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- [00:02]
eBay Representative
If fashion is your thing, ebay is it. Ebay is where I find all my favorites from handbags to iconic streetwear. All authenticated for real this time. A little supreme, some Gucci. I even have that vintage Prada on my watch list. That's why ebay's my go to for all my go tos. Yeah, ebay the place for new pre loved vintage and rare fashion. Ebay Things people love.
- [00:32]
Amazon Prime Representative
This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail biting novel from time to time, with services like Prime Video, Amazon Music and fast free delivery, prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more. It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.
- [01:08]
Stephen Colbert
Folks. If you watch the show, you know that I spend most of my time right over there in the Southern Portuguese news forest harvesting the finest, most topical story eucalyptus, the chestnut lumber which I frame into a series of plat banded terraces and whitewashed walls with a scissor roof and intricate dove coat chimney with Moorish influences to build for you the stately yet charming Algarvian Casa Vivenda that is my monologue. But sometimes, while trying to lose the DEA's tracker dogs in the Pine Barrens, I strap some rusty bike frames together with the tent lines from an abandoned circus and slather on a layer of sun baked raccoon poop to hide inside the Outlaws turd yard of news. That is my seg. Meanwhile, there you go. That's the real champion. That's the real champion right there. Meanwhile, Velveeta has made nacho cheese you can stick in your pocket saying now it's easier than ever for fans to elevate any food item. Cause nothing says elevate like squirtable cheese you heat up with your ass cheek. Oh my. Fresh from the crack. Meanwhile, in flower news, scientists have discovered that an orchid uses a finger like appendage to pollinate itself. Hey, as long as it locks the door and clears its browser history, I don't want to know. Up until recently it was unclear what that part of the flower was for, and to investigate the appendage's purpose, researchers observed the flower out in the wild. Apparently being a botanist can get kind of lonely. Hey, welcome to the team. Now grab a pair of binoculars and watch this flower rub one out on a Sunday. These jokes on a Sunday. Tom doesn't seem Right. Of course. These people are professionals. For you, the layman, to see a video of a plant self pollinating, you'll have to subscribe to its only ferns. Meanwhile. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, a plant named after Martha Stewart is now available for purchase. And garden enthusiasts are delighted that you can now have Martha Stewart in your garden. By the way, Martha Stewart in youn Garden, also a channel on only ferns. Meanwhile, in somewhat good news for our clogged sewers, scientists are turning fatbergs made of used condoms and grease into perfume. The scent is called Chanel Number. Meanwhile, Post Malone has unveiled a collaboration with Oreo. Mr. Malone raves, this new collaboration is going to up your life in the best way. Now, that's a man who understands what people want. In a cookie chaos, this snickerdoodle is gonna break all your furniture and sleep with your wife. The cookie is a complex construction described as a twisted cream in which salted caramel and shortbread flavor are twisted between one chocolate Oreo cookie and one golden Oreo cookie. All right, I'll bite. Let's have a go right here. There it is. Get that coffee right there. Here we go. Going in, folks. Mm, mm, mm. Much like Post Malone's face, it's sweet, but there's a lot competing for my attention. Oh, I might. You know what? I might save the rest of that. I might save the rest of that for Post Michaud. Meanwhile, in airline news, JetBlue is now accepting Venmo, while Spirit Airlines will continue to accept their preferred method of payment, human teeth. Meanwhile, in stoned rodent news down in Texas, drug eating rats invaded a Houston police evidence room, potentially disrupting hundreds of cases. And I'm told we have surveillance footage of the rats in the evidence room. I smell weed. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, police have charged a woman with trafficking meth in a bag labeled definitely not a bag full of drugs. This is the most obvious drug smuggling paraphernalia since those sweatpants that read, I for sure don't have a balloon full of cocaine up my juicy butt. Meanwhile, a cat mistakenly left on a plane made three trips between New Zealand and Australia in 24 hours, after which the owner said, how can this happen? How can this happen? Oh, my God. Which, coincidentally, is also the official new slogan for Post Malone Oreos. We'll be right back. More Meanwhile after this. Welcome to the oil business. Billy Bob Thornton, Demi Moore, and Jon Hamm star in a new Paramount plus original series. The world has already convinced itself that you are evil, and I am evil for providing them the one thing they interact with every day. You're all right. Here we go. From Taylor Sheridan, executive producer of Yellowstone. Get everybody back.
- [07:14]
Amazon Prime Representative
You just put a giant bullseye on this place.
- [07:16]
Stephen Colbert
We rolled the dice one last time. Landman New series now stream exclusively on Paramount. Plus, folks, if you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there on the news Smithy, stacking layers of the finest, most topical story steel, which I heat to 2,350 degrees Fahrenheit, adding nickel and vanadium to create the Damascus pattern. Then adding a snake wood handle with a polished brass bolster to make the spectacular 200 millimeter Bodkramer Firestorm chef's knife. That is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks, after my cellmate Spider catches me cheating him out of his smokes at Double Deck Pinochle, I steal a discarded chicken bone from Cheffy, which I sharpen in the yard and wrap in my remaining shoelace to make the brittle D block shank of news that is my segment. Meanwhile, you're Meanwhile news from Florida, America's houseboat. Reportedly, a man who ate only cheese, beef and sticks of butter for eight months suffered a shocking side effect. Was it being happy? Apparently, he ate so much butter, cheese and beef that cholesterol oozed from his body. Doctors released him from the hospital with a medical alert bracelet that said, I can't believe I'm not butter. Sip on that one there. Slow down. Slow. Meanwhile, in Alabama, a woman gave birth to a baby in a Krispy Kreme parking lot. The delivery was a complete success, and both mother and baby have been glazed. Officials say the baby's birth certificate will be the first to name Krispy Kreme as place of birth, though it is often listed as cause of death. Meanwhile, did I just break the news that donuts Meanwhile, it's just been revealed that US Law enforcement scored a big win over the holidays when a drug kingpin was arrested in the UK after his wife posted lavish vacation photos online, giving away his location on her now deleted Instagram. Not the first time this has happened. Pablo Escobar was found because of his wife's Yelp review. Mrs. Pablo Escobar says the best epanadas ever at 6.2476 degrees north, 75.5658 degrees west. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines has announced a new dress code for passengers, banning revealing clothing or offensive tattoos. But don't worry, you can still slaughter a goat in the bathroom. While other airline policies are often vague and confusing, Spirit now lays out clear dos and don'ts spirit says you can be denied entry or removed from a flight for having breasts, buttocks or other private parts exposed. Now, in the passenger's defense, once they whip him out, not so private. Meanwhile. Meanwhile. Whip him out. It doesn't help that the stewardess are throwing beads. Meanwhile, thanks to an upcoming partnership between DraftKings and Delta Air Lines in flight, sports betting could soon be a thing. Yet more convenience for the gambler on the go from DraftKings. DraftKings why wait till you're home to lose your house? Beads Beads. Meanwhile, in some small culinary news, scientists just created a pasta so tiny you can't see it with the naked eye that is 200 times thinner than the width of a human hair. But what's annoying is that it just won't admit it's on Ozempic. How did it get 200 times thinner? Oh, just drinking a lot of water and discipline. The scientists are calling their creation Nano Pasta. Just like your nano used to make. Meanwhile. Nano. Meanwhile, the FDA has approved a ketamine derived nasal spray to treat depression. It is destined to be the most popular party drug pharma mash up since Vicks Vapometh. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.