The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert Episode: Meanwhile | Runaway Tortoise, Good Luck Penis
Release Date: May 11, 2025
Host: CBS's Stephen Colbert

Introduction: Celebrating Teachers

In this episode, Stephen Colbert kicks off by honoring Teacher Appreciation Week. He encourages listeners to support educators through DonorsChoose.org, highlighting the platform's ability to fund specific classroom needs. Colbert passionately states, “We love the teachers” (01:38), emphasizing the importance of contributing to the resources that enhance students' learning experiences.

Main Monologue: "Meanwhile" Segment Highlights

Colbert transitions into his signature "Meanwhile" segment, delivering a rapid-fire series of humorous and satirical news bites. Below are the key highlights:

1. Luigi the Musical

   • Synopsis: A musical based on Luigi Mangione, an accused killer, debuts in San Francisco.
   • Humorous Comparison: Colbert likens it to “the most surprising onstage mashup of high art and homicide since Charles Manson's Swan Lake” (03:15).
   • Quote: “A story of love, murder and hash browns” (03:30).

2. Mummy News

   • Discovery: Scientists examine a 19th-century Austrian vicar’s mummified remains.
   • Notable Detail: The priest was embalmed via his rectum using wood chips and twigs.
   • Commentary: “Every word of that sentence was a twist I could not handle” (04:00).

3. Oldest Living Person

   • Update: Ethel Caterham, at 115, becomes the world’s oldest living person following the passing of Ina Canabaro Lucas.
   • Humorous Contrast: Friends describe Lucas as “soccer-loving and a teacher,” whereas Ethel is described as “a quitter” (04:45).

4. Teenage Feat Across Cook Strait

   • Achievement: Maya Marriage, an American teenager, endures thousands of jellyfish stings during a 14-hour swim across New Zealand’s Cook Strait.
   • Colbert's Remark: “She is going to be so mad when she learns about boats” (05:10).

5. Video Game Delays

   • News: The highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is delayed until May 2026.
   • Satirical Insight: Colbert jokes about the delay being “the saddest headline for gamers since Sonic Breaks Leg must be euthanized” (05:45).

6. T-Rex Lab-Grown Leather

   • Innovation: A UK company markets biodegradable, sustainable bags made from lab-grown T-Rex leather.
   • Humorous Take: “Always a good idea to try to control nature by meddling with dinosaurs” (06:20).

7. Runaway Tortoise Found

   • Heartwarming News: A tortoise missing for over nine months is found just one mile from home.
   • Colbert’s Quip: “Owners absolutely did not look for runaway tortoise” (06:50).

8. Ancient Roman Pendant Discovery

   • Archaeological Find: A lucky penis pendant is unearthed at a Roman fort in England.
   • Scientific Humor: “The point is, he touched it a lot, and it's perfectly normal” (07:32).

9. Rihanna’s Met Gala Debut

   • Fashion Statement: Rihanna unveils a "baby bone" accessory at the Met Gala.
   • Colbert's Joke: “Cracking open her pants like a can of Pillsbury Crescent rolls” (08:10).

10. Mr. Beast and James Patterson Collaboration

    • Literary News: YouTube sensation Mr. Beast teams up with 78-year-old author James Patterson to write a novel.
    • Colbert’s Inquiry: “Keep asking my interns, am I supposed to like or hate Mr. Beast?” (08:45).

11. Delta Flight Incident

    • Safety Concern: A Delta flight experiences a ceiling collapse, requiring passengers to prop it up.
    • Colbert’s Sarcasm: “It was Boeing. Your ceiling collapsed. Try propping it up with the door that blew off” (09:15).

12. Raccoon with Meth Pipe

    • Unusual Event: In Ohio, a raccoon is found with a meth pipe in its mouth during a drug bust.
    • Humorous Observation: “If this van's a rockin', it's probably on account of the crack cocaine, meth and the tweaked out raccoon” (09:45).

13. Amazing Sports Moment: Dad's Catch at Yankees Game

    • Highlight: A father makes an unbelievable catch at a Yankees game, capturing hearts on social media.
    • Quote: “Dads really can do anything” (10:35).

14. England’s Oldest Cheese Guide

    • Culinary Advice: A 1960s cheese guide warns against consuming "dog cheese," made from dog’s milk.
    • Colbert’s Humor: “Consider the nature of the body and the temperament of the cheese” (10:44).

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Stephen Colbert weaves satire with sharp wit, turning everyday news into engaging and humorous commentary. From bizarre archaeological finds to extraordinary human (and animal) feats, Colbert’s "Meanwhile" segment offers listeners a blend of laughter and reflection on the quirky facets of current events.

Notable Quotes:

• “We love the teachers.” (01:38)
• “Every word of that sentence was a twist I could not handle.” (04:00)
• “She is going to be so mad when she learns about boats.” (05:10)
• “Dads really can do anything.” (10:35)

For more clips and exclusives, visit The Late Show YouTube channel.

Note: This summary omits advertisements and non-content sections to focus solely on the main discussions and humorous insights presented by Stephen Colbert.