Meanwhile | Runaway Tortoise, Good Luck Penis

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert Episode: Meanwhile | Runaway Tortoise, Good Luck Penis
Release Date: May 11, 2025
Host: CBS's Stephen Colbert

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Introduction: Celebrating Teachers

In this episode, Stephen Colbert kicks off by honoring Teacher Appreciation Week. He encourages listeners to support educators through DonorsChoose.org, highlighting the platform's ability to fund specific classroom needs. Colbert passionately states, “We love the teachers” (01:38), emphasizing the importance of contributing to the resources that enhance students' learning experiences.

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Main Monologue: "Meanwhile" Segment Highlights

Colbert transitions into his signature "Meanwhile" segment, delivering a rapid-fire series of humorous and satirical news bites. Below are the key highlights:

1. Luigi the Musical

   • Synopsis: A musical based on Luigi Mangione, an accused killer, debuts in San Francisco.
   • Humorous Comparison: Colbert likens it to “the most surprising onstage mashup of high art and homicide since Charles Manson's Swan Lake” (03:15).
   • Quote: “A story of love, murder and hash browns” (03:30).

2. Mummy News

   • Discovery: Scientists examine a 19th-century Austrian vicar’s mummified remains.
   • Notable Detail: The priest was embalmed via his rectum using wood chips and twigs.
   • Commentary: “Every word of that sentence was a twist I could not handle” (04:00).

3. Oldest Living Person

   • Update: Ethel Caterham, at 115, becomes the world’s oldest living person following the passing of Ina Canabaro Lucas.
   • Humorous Contrast: Friends describe Lucas as “soccer-loving and a teacher,” whereas Ethel is described as “a quitter” (04:45).

4. Teenage Feat Across Cook Strait

   • Achievement: Maya Marriage, an American teenager, endures thousands of jellyfish stings during a 14-hour swim across New Zealand’s Cook Strait.
   • Colbert's Remark: “She is going to be so mad when she learns about boats” (05:10).

5. Video Game Delays

   • News: The highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is delayed until May 2026.
   • Satirical Insight: Colbert jokes about the delay being “the saddest headline for gamers since Sonic Breaks Leg must be euthanized” (05:45).

6. T-Rex Lab-Grown Leather

   • Innovation: A UK company markets biodegradable, sustainable bags made from lab-grown T-Rex leather.
   • Humorous Take: “Always a good idea to try to control nature by meddling with dinosaurs” (06:20).

7. Runaway Tortoise Found

   • Heartwarming News: A tortoise missing for over nine months is found just one mile from home.
   • Colbert’s Quip: “Owners absolutely did not look for runaway tortoise” (06:50).

8. Ancient Roman Pendant Discovery

   • Archaeological Find: A lucky penis pendant is unearthed at a Roman fort in England.
   • Scientific Humor: “The point is, he touched it a lot, and it's perfectly normal” (07:32).

9. Rihanna’s Met Gala Debut

   • Fashion Statement: Rihanna unveils a "baby bone" accessory at the Met Gala.
   • Colbert's Joke: “Cracking open her pants like a can of Pillsbury Crescent rolls” (08:10).

10. Mr. Beast and James Patterson Collaboration

    • Literary News: YouTube sensation Mr. Beast teams up with 78-year-old author James Patterson to write a novel.
    • Colbert’s Inquiry: “Keep asking my interns, am I supposed to like or hate Mr. Beast?” (08:45).

11. Delta Flight Incident

    • Safety Concern: A Delta flight experiences a ceiling collapse, requiring passengers to prop it up.
    • Colbert’s Sarcasm: “It was Boeing. Your ceiling collapsed. Try propping it up with the door that blew off” (09:15).

12. Raccoon with Meth Pipe

    • Unusual Event: In Ohio, a raccoon is found with a meth pipe in its mouth during a drug bust.
    • Humorous Observation: “If this van's a rockin', it's probably on account of the crack cocaine, meth and the tweaked out raccoon” (09:45).

13. Amazing Sports Moment: Dad's Catch at Yankees Game

    • Highlight: A father makes an unbelievable catch at a Yankees game, capturing hearts on social media.
    • Quote: “Dads really can do anything” (10:35).

14. England’s Oldest Cheese Guide

    • Culinary Advice: A 1960s cheese guide warns against consuming "dog cheese," made from dog’s milk.
    • Colbert’s Humor: “Consider the nature of the body and the temperament of the cheese” (10:44).

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Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Stephen Colbert weaves satire with sharp wit, turning everyday news into engaging and humorous commentary. From bizarre archaeological finds to extraordinary human (and animal) feats, Colbert’s "Meanwhile" segment offers listeners a blend of laughter and reflection on the quirky facets of current events.

Notable Quotes:

• “We love the teachers.” (01:38)
• “Every word of that sentence was a twist I could not handle.” (04:00)
• “She is going to be so mad when she learns about boats.” (05:10)
• “Dads really can do anything.” (10:35)

For more clips and exclusives, visit The Late Show YouTube channel.

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Note: This summary omits advertisements and non-content sections to focus solely on the main discussions and humorous insights presented by Stephen Colbert.

Transcript

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[Stephen Colbert]

It's the late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.

[Advertiser or Announcer]

Folks.

[Stephen Colbert]

Before we get started with the next bit of the show here, I just want to take a second to say Happy Teacher Appreciation Week. Now. We love the teachers. If you want to support America's hardworking teachers, and I know you do, head over to donorschoose.org using this little QR code right there. It's an amazing organization that allows you to pick specific cool classroom needs or programs that you want to support, be it school supplies or musical instruments or whatever, and you will know that every dime goes right to that class. And maybe you got a nice letter back from the kids. Okay? So head over to donorschoose.org and show America's teachers the love they deserve. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, folks. Come on, folks. If you watch this show, you'll know I spend a lot of my time right over there sourcing and placing the most topical seasonal news dahlias, roses and ranunculus in mirrored vases with story accent collars to create the spectacular Rachel Cho luxury floral arrangement that is my nightly monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, after huffing nine cans of compressed air dusters, I rip dandelion weeds out of the sidewalk and slap em in an empty can of pineapple coconut Malibu and offer you the burnout bouquet of news that is my segment. Meanwhile, One breath, baby. That's breath control. That's training. That's classical training. Meanwhile, in topical theater news, Luigi the Musical about accused killer Luigi Mangione will debut in San Francisco. It's the most surprising onstage mashup of high art and homicide since Charles Manson's Swan Lake. By the way, the musical is being billed as a story of love, murder and hash browns, which could cause them some legal trouble since that's still the official slogan for the Waffle House. Meanwhile, in mummy news, scientists studying the mummified remains of a 19th century Austrian vicar say the air dried priest embalmed via his rectum by being packed with wood chips and fragmented twigs. Every word of that sentence was a twist I could not handle. And I'm saying based upon his face, I don't think they waited till he was dead to do it. Come on, I get twigs, but why? Fragmented. Meanwhile, a woman named ethel Caterham, at 115 years old, has become the world's oldest living person after the previous record holder, Ina Canabaro Lucas, a Brazilian nun, died on April 30. Lucas was described by her friends as soccer loving and a teacher, and by Ethel as a quitter. Meanwhile, down in New Zealand, American teenager Maya Marriage withstood thousands of jellyfish stings during a 14 hour swim across the Cook Strait. Wow, she is going to be so mad when she learns about boats. Meanwhile, video games the only way to live your wildest dreams. Like being a deadly assassin or, or an outlaw or a plumber. Tough news for video game fans because the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI has been delayed until May 2026. That is the saddest headline for gamers since Sonic Breaks Leg must be euthanized. Yeah, it's the most humane thing you can do, really. The studio behind the game told fans it needs extra time to, quote, deliver at the level of quality you expect and deserve adding, plus, we want to make sure you have enough prostitutes to run over. Meanwhile, in the uk, a company is marketing bags made from T Rex leather Lab grown leather using the collagen of the long extinct T. Rex to create biodegradable, sustainable and ethically sound dino leather that looks like cowhide. Always a good idea to try to control nature by meddling with dinosaurs genetic material. The classic Spielberg movie Everything's Fine Park. Meanwhile, a runaway tortoise who was missing for over nine months was found just one mile from home. That headline again. Owners absolutely did not look for runaway tortoise. More mean ones after this, folks. If you watch this show, you know I spend most of my time cutting the most topical mulberry silk into a sleek story silhouette right over there with calfskin details, horn button closures, and an under collar in tonal scritto embossed suede to create for you the Berluti men's silk trench coat that is my nightly monologue. But sometimes, after losing a fight to a carny over the best spot near the barrel fire, I p in a discarded tent and cinch her to the waist with a seatbelt or ripped out of an abandoned Subaru and then slouch into the night wearing the yeti poncho of news. That is my segment. Meanwhile.

[Advertiser or Announcer]

Stop.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's a warm hug. It's a warm hug is what it is. Meanwhile, in England, archaeologists at a Roman fort unearthed a lucky penis pendant. Okay, look, archaeologists. It's an ancient Roman artifact. It's been ravaged by time and the elements. Are we sure this pendant actually depicts a man's. Okay, yeah, okay, yeah. The science is in. That's a penis. Archaeologists say that the smooth surface suggests the wearer touched it often for good luck. Also, when he was bored, stressed, sleepy, not sleepy enough, angry or happy. The point is, he touched it a lot, and it's perfectly normal. Okay, move on. Meanwhile, at Monday's Met gala, superstar Rihanna debuted a baby bone. Congratulations, Riri. I hope you're feeling good and that when you got home, you were able to do the thing my pregnant writer says she loves most in the world, which is, and I quote, cracking open her pants like a can of Pillsbury Crescent rolls. Meanwhile, news about a man on the Internet who I keep asking my interns if I'm supposed to like or hate Mr. Beast because it's been announced that the YouTube sensation with 400 million subscribers will now be writing a novel with James Patterson, who is 78 years old. When asked if he wanted to write a novel with Mr. Beast, Patterson is reported to have said, fine. Meanwhile, last month, a Delta flight ceiling collapsed, forcing horrified passengers to hold it in place. I'LL give you three guesses who built the plane. It was Boeing. You know their slogan, Boeing. Your ceiling collapsed. Try propping it up with the door that blew off. Meanwhile. Oh, that's toasty. Meanwhile, over in Ohio, a raccoon with a meth pipe in its mouth was found in a car during a drug bus traffic stop. I can't believe that didn't happen in Florida. Now everything's fine, the raccoon is in rehab, and when officers searched the vehicle further, they found crack cocaine, meth, and three used glass meth pipes. The cops couldn't really be surprised. The car's bumper sticker clearly said, if this van's a rockin' it's probably on account of the crack cocaine, meth and the tweaked out raccoon. Meanwhile, can you imagine being that cop? Meanwhile, in the world of sport, a dad made an unbelievable eyes covered catch at a Yankees game. Let's go to the tape.

[Advertiser or Announcer]

What?

[Stephen Colbert]

He's gonna catch the ball and she covers his eyes. How about that?

[Advertiser or Announcer]

And he still caught it.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's dead power like him.

[Advertiser or Announcer]

That's impressive.

[Stephen Colbert]

Amazing. Wow. The MLB posted the moment on X with the caption, dads really can do anything. So true, said the man's wife. I mean, after that kid was born and they sewed me up downtown with a football needle. But he caught a ball, so yay dads. Meanwhile. Meanwhile. According to a new transcription, England's oldest known cheese guide warns, don't eat dog cheese, which is cheese from dog's milk. Yes. Now it says it's very important. The guide is from the 60s and it cautions, he that will judge whether cheese be a convenient food for him must consider the nature of the body and the temperamenta of the cheese. And both considered he shall be hable to judge whether he is like to take harma be cheese or not coincidentally, also the liability waiver you have to sign before eating Papa John's Shackaroni. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.