← The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
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- [00:00]
User
I can say to my new Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra, hey, find a keto friendly restaurant nearby and text it to Beth and Steve. And it does without me lifting a finger so I can get in more squats anywhere I can. 1, 2, 3.
- [00:15]
Stephen Colbert
Will that be cash or credit? Credit.
- [00:17]
Samsung Ad Voice
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- [00:31]
McDonald's Ad Voice
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- [00:54]
Samsung Ad Voice
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- [01:01]
Stephen Colbert
It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert, folks. If you watch this show, you know I spend most of my time right over there combining the most succulent cuts from Damascus News beef with sumac and za'atar, which I simmer in a topical tomato base augmented with pomegranate molasses and joke potatoes to create the hearty Dawoud Basha meatball stew that is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, I'm kicked off a ghost train behind a contrapand zinc refinery where I scrunch what's left of an old packet of duck sauce and powdered ramen seasoning onto a half eaten burger patty from a discarded takeout clamshell and heat it against the liquid bulk tanker's engine block to chow down on the intruder's diesel jerky of news. That is my segment. Meanwhile, that's like an oxygen tank. That's like an oxygen tank. Meanwhile, at an upcoming auction, a so called Holy Grail Stradivarius may become the world's most expensive musical instrument. Of course, the true Holy Grail of musical instruments will always be the actual Holy Grail. After Jesus did that thing where you wet your finger and rub the rim. He could do that. He could do that. Meanwhile, new research shows that bonobos can tell when they know something you don't. The worst part is they're such dicks about it. Fine, I give up. What's the difference between affect and effect? Professor, say hi to Bobo for me. Meanwhile, in Treat news, the Nestle company has announced that they will stop selling vegan Kit Kats. Luckily. So luckily this won't affect my favorite flavor of Kit Kat Beef. Break me off a piece of that piece of beef. Fans of the niche candy are upset, with one even posting on Facebook, worst day of my life. Oh, come on. I find it hard to believe that this is worse than the day you decided to be vegan. No letters. No letters. Meanwhile, in sexy gift news, according to a press release, the toy company Build a Bear is expanding its popular after Dark Valentine's Day collection. Finally, the gift that'll make your husband say those words every woman wants to hear. Honey, I'm humping a fake bear. This year's Valentine bears are actually a collection of cuddly cougars like this one that appears to be wearing a jacket. A jacket made of another cat's hide. It's the gift that says, after our date, I'm going to wear your skin like a coat. Be mine. Meanwhile, Rio de Janeiro may soon have some serious huge religious statue competition, because over in Poland, a billionaire wants to build a statue of the Virgin Mary taller than Christ the Redeemer. Continuing the rich tradition of billionaires totally getting the core message of Jesus. For as he speaketh, do unto others and keep doing unto them until you have done the most. And there is no more left for anyone else to do unto than build up of my mom and say hi to Bobo for me. Meanwhile, science has now officially determined the happiest time of day. Ladies and gentlemen, the science is in. Let's reveal the mornings are the happiest time of day. People are happier on weekend mornings than weekdays, and summer months make people feel happier than the winter ones. These breaking results were published in the New England Journal of. No Duh. A journal published in New England. Meanwhile, in fashion news, the hottest new trend is tiramisu inside of a translucent purse. Way ahead of you, said every mom at a wedding buffet. Look, the groom's dad is a banker. Just keep filling your pockets with shrimp until I say stop. The tiramisu purse went viral after an Instagrammer posted her experience taking her dessert purse through an airport security checkpoint and then onto her flight, where she enjoyed it right there in her seat. Good for her. Good for her. Also. What the hell? I have to throw away my nice sunscreen, but she gets to take on a bucket of coffee flavored goo. She should have to chug it all before going through the metal detector like I do with my sunscreen. Meanwhile, Coors Light is releasing a New face roller. Hopefully soon they'll release a beer. Meanwhile. Or in this case, main. While a tiny frog could be Maine's next official state amphibian, the name of the frog is the Spring Peeper, which had a much better name than their second choice, the Autumn Pervert. More Meanwhile after this, folks, if you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there in the news workshop, sourcing and cutting the finest, most topical Italian story leather, which I shaped into a finely silhouetted. This is Meanwhile. Meanwhile. Right to it. Let's stampede it, buddy. Meanwhile, Totino's, your only happy memory from middle school, Totino's has unveiled a bold new snack. Totino's Cheese Pizza Ramen. Yes, it's the perfect snack for everyone saying, I love pizza, but I wish it was wet. Meanwhile, in New York City rat news, which is most New York City news, young lady. The rodents have apparently gnawed through the Big Apple's rat proof new trash bins. So that solution didn't last long. According to one expert, it's no biggie. Saying evidence of rodents chewing through garbage cans is not necessarily a bad sign. It means the animal is stressed. Well, in that case, fantastic. I've often walked around New York City thinking all these rats don't seem anxious enough. I wouldn't mind all these rats if they knew they were desperate and had nothing to lose. Meanwhile, in Wales, a woman is in court for aggressively farting at her boyfriend's ex. She would pass gas by placing the camera on her bottom and passing the gas. And admitted to sending videos of her breaking wind to her boyfriend's ex over Christmas. Aw. Inspired, no doubt, by the beloved Christmas carol, Silent But Deadly Night. Didn't get that one out. Almost. To get that one out, the woman's defense attorney. Do not applaud that one, I beg you. The woman's defense attorney insisted she sent the videos without malicious intent. What other intent is there when you rip one into your phone and text it to someone? Hey, I heard you got that promotion. Hang on, I'm gonna send you something with congratulatory intent. Meanwhile, reptile experts are researching the secret lives of Florida's crocodiles. And apparently, when in search of food and shelter, many have long distance commutes. Except, of course, for those lucky crocodiles who can still work from home. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, the Louvre. After a remodel, the Mona Lisa will get its own room. Aw, that's nice. How do you feel about that, Mona? Happy? Sad? Give us anything. Meanwhile, in Germany, a metal detectorist unearthed a miniature 1,600 year old Roman lock. Oh, no. This is just going to encourage every dad with a metal detector. You see, Cheryl, it's not stupid. Just think how much Roman stuff could be here on the beach in Tampa. The lock is very small and intricate, quite beautiful, and historians suspect it may have been originally used to secure Emperor Tiberius. Diary. Dear diary, today I conquered Transalpine Gaul. No, Crassus is still being a total bitch. Ugh. Still crushing super hard on Agrippina, but so far it's just over the toga stuff. Meanwhile. Yeah, I swallowed the key. We got you. Meanwhile, Starbucks is cutting 30% of its menu. 30%? You mean. Now when I order my half caf, quad long shot, grande salted caramel frappa mocha, half breve, light ice, double sweet, non fat, double whip, I might not be able to get the caramel ribbon crunch topping. Then how are they still calling that coffee? Starbucks will also attempt to reboot the coffee house vibe that's diminished in recent years by bringing back the condiment bars. Ooh, that's kind of cozy. Now, instead of saying, there's a pantsless man washing his feet in the toilet, you can say, there's a pantsless man washing his feet in the toilet with a dash of cinnamon. Meanwhile, a lay's Classic Potato Chips recall has been elevated to the highest FDA level over a deadly ingredient. That ingredient. Lay's Classic Potato Chips. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.