Meanwhile | Tolkien’s Desk

Summary

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The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode Title: Meanwhile | Tolkien’s Desk
Date: December 7, 2025
Host: Stephen Colbert
Notable Guests: Jon Stewart, Late Show Writers & Producers

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Late Show Pod Show features another signature "Meanwhile" segment, where Stephen Colbert and his writers riff humorously on bizarre news items and cultural curiosities. In addition, Stephen and Jon Stewart share witty banter about pistachios, odd modern innovations, fashion, romance, and a quirky bit of literary memorabilia—J.R.R. Tolkien's desk. The tone is light, playful, and full of clever wordplay, embracing their trademark irreverence and sharp comedic writing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pistachio Banter with Jon Stewart (00:00–03:16)

• Stephen Colbert launches into a humorous ad read for Wonderful Pistachios, riffing on the pleasures and absurdities of snacking.
• Jon Stewart joins the banter, poking fun at the variety and marketing of pistachios.
• Key Flavors Discussed: Jalapeño lime, sea salt & vinegar, dill pickle, smoky barbecue.
• Humor Highlights: Wordplay about “nut meat”; joking about “earning your nut” by cracking open in-shell pistachios.
• Memorable Quote:

  Stephen Colbert (02:06): “If you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it’s snacking like a champ.”

• Playful camaraderie as they “celebrate” each pistachio flavor with mock seriousness.

2. Meanwhile Segment Intro – Written by High School English Students (04:32–05:54)

• The “Meanwhile” introduction is unusually poetic and creative—because it’s written by students from Tenafly High School.
• The intro is a parody of flowery, overwrought writing, packed with metaphors about news as pies, bakeries, and “artisanal commentary.”
• The segment skewers the process of digging for news gems versus sorting through “the coffee stain that is my segment.”
• Memorable Quote:

  Monologue Poet 1 (05:38): “Slightly undercooked casserole, that is my segment. Diabetes-inducing Baja Blast concentrated syrup, that is my segment.”

• Stephen and his team thank the students and joke about CBS’s lawyers (“You will all receive A’s and a subpoena”).

3. Weird Headlines & Comedy Commentary (“Meanwhile” Segment) (06:08–09:41)

a) J.R.R. Tolkien’s Desk Up for Auction (06:08–06:23)

• The desk used by the Lord of the Rings author will be auctioned for $67,000–$100,000.
• Reaction:

  “I don’t care. Just sell the boat. Oh, the kids like the boat. Sell the kids.”
  —Late Show Writer/Producer (06:23)

• Colbert’s Tone: Dismissive mockery of celebrity memorabilia culture.

b) Senior Water Aerobics Wedding (06:32–06:58)

• A widow and widower meet, fall in love during water aerobics, and get married in the pool.
• Writer’s Take:
  • Celebrates late-in-life romance while poking fun at the non-traditional venue.
  • “I just hope they didn’t consummate it in the Jacuzzi.”
• Memorable Quote:

  “Besides, I believe weddings should be fun and pools are fun. I just hope they didn’t consummate it in the Jacuzzi.”
  —Late Show Writer/Producer (06:46)

c) Songwriting on the Fly & Teamwork Behind the Scenes (07:14–07:46)

• Writers discuss how the pool wedding segment almost got cut.
• The music producer, Louis, rapidly creates a song for the segment after a quick suggestion.
• Quote:

  “That’s how you do it, folks. It’s called teamwork. Yeah, make the dream work.”
  —Late Show Writer/Producer (07:46)

d) Japan’s Human Washing Machine (07:55–08:25)

• Japan unveils a machine that washes people “like laundry.”
• Comedy Angle: The team jokes about society’s laziness and confesses they’d love to have one.
• Memorable Quote:

  “This is a new level of lazy…Yes, I would like one, please.”
  —Late Show Writer/Producer (08:10)

e) Chanel Fashion Show in NYC Subway (08:47–09:20)

• Chanel holds a fashion event in a subway car.
• Punchlines:
  • Colbert quips about subway “masturbators” being elevated by Chanel.
  • Jokes about outlandish runway fashion:

    “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and put a crab trap on your head.”
    —Late Show Writer/Producer (09:18)

f) Do Lions Have Accents? (09:22–09:41)

• New research shows African lions roar in regional dialects.
• Joke: Unconvincing “crikey!” impersonation as a “lion accent,” blending animal facts with Colbert-style silliness.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 02:06 | Stephen Colbert | “If you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it’s snacking like a champ.” | | 05:38 | Monologue Poet 1 | “Slightly undercooked casserole, that is my segment. Diabetes-inducing Baja Blast concentrated syrup, that is my segment.” | | 06:23 | Late Show Writer/Producer | “I don’t care. Just sell the boat. Oh, the kids like the boat. Sell the kids.” | | 06:46 | Late Show Writer/Producer | “Besides, I believe weddings should be fun and pools are fun. I just hope they didn’t consummate it in the Jacuzzi.” | | 07:46 | Late Show Writer/Producer | “That’s how you do it, folks. It’s called teamwork. Yeah, make the dream work.” | | 08:10 | Late Show Writer/Producer | “This is a new level of lazy…Yes, I would like one, please.” | | 09:18 | Late Show Writer/Producer | “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and put a crab trap on your head.” |

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Segment Timestamps Quick Reference

• Pistachio Banter: 00:00–03:16
• Meanwhile Intro (Tenafly High): 04:32–05:54
• Tolkien’s Desk Auction: 06:08–06:23
• Senior Water Aerobics Romance: 06:32–06:58
• Behind-the-Scenes Songwriting: 07:14–07:46
• Human Washing Machine: 07:55–08:25
• Chanel Subway Fashion: 08:47–09:20
• Lion Accents: 09:22–09:41

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Conclusion

This “Meanwhile” episode of The Late Show Pod Show is a rapid-fire carousel of absurd, witty observations on everything from pistachio trends to literary relics, aquatic love stories, robotic hygiene, haute couture, and roaring lions. The segment’s playful tone and inventive writing—especially the ridiculous poetic intro by New Jersey high schoolers—underscore exactly why Colbert and his team remain late-night comedy gold.

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Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, everybody. Stephen Colbert here about to read the copy for our sponsor. This is from our friends at Wonderful Pistachios. And I was the wonderful pistachio spokesman for years. Yeah, I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back. And that's exactly the approach with Wonderful Pistachios. The don't hold back snack. These little wonders are so tasty, it feels like getting away with something. But surprise. Each serving has 6 grams of protein and 0 grams of regret. That's right. No guilt. Just glory, glory in our nuts. Whether it's a satisfying crack of in shell pistachios, and that's capitalized in shell, or the smooth, instant gratification of no shells. No judgment. That's just it. Just eat. No judgment. I take issue with one thing. It's instant gratification. It's super tasty smooth.

[Jon Stewart]

It's a hard nut smooth.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. I mean, even out of the shell, it's still a nut.

[Jon Stewart]

We can't disparage the nuts.

[Rosetta Stone Announcer]

You.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

I'm not disparaging the nut.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm describing the nut.

[Jon Stewart]

Don't disparage any flavors.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not. I am celebrating the pistachio right now.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

I'm on board.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love pistachios. I love a crushed pistachio. Like a pistachio crusted trout. Oh, unbelievable. Instead of a trout amandine, a trout pistachio. Fantastic. Enough butter? Who cares?

[Jon Stewart]

Very good.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I love pistachio ice cream.

[Jon Stewart]

Have you had the sea salt and vinegar? Wonderful pistachio. It's delicious.

[Stephen Colbert]

I didn't even know I get them.

[Jon Stewart]

Before the softball games.

[Omaha Steaks Announcer]

But that's.

[Stephen Colbert]

You see, it's been a while since I've been the spokesman for wonderful Pistachios. I didn't realize we'd achieved new pistachio technology.

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Rosetta Stone Announcer]

Wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session.

It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut.

Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying, if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike, and then it's important that you do, because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.

That was a wonderful I wonder what more there is to learn.

We just told them so much.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently there's a whole other world.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's an unexplored vista.

[Jon Stewart]

They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. And I would not disparage any of them.

[Jon Stewart]

No, no, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bring it on.

[Jon Stewart]

Nothing bad to say.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nut me, nut. Nut me with nut meat.

[Jon Stewart]

We're nut.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty.

[Stephen Colbert]

Talk about.

Talk about, talk about, talk about nutty. Good.

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[Pandora Jewelry Announcer]

It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

Folks. Most of the time we write a meanwhile introduction, but sometimes the journalism and English students at Tenafly High School in New Jersey are asked to write their own meanwhile intros for a class assignment. So we just steal theirs in the easy meanwhile intro that is this meanwhile intro.

[Monologue Poet 1]

You know, I spend my time right over there. All of my poor nugatory time right over there. Right over there. Selecting only the sweetest pies from the.

[Monologue Poet 2]

Bakery of news basking in the new.

[Monologue Poet 1]

Sun, Nominating only the most distinguished seat.

[Monologue Poet 2]

At the gilded atelier of truth, Selecting.

[Monologue Poet 1]

Only the most pristine news items and baking them into a delicious dessert of truth.

[Monologue Poet 2]

My tan reaches its peak in the soft glow of the evening.

[Monologue Poet 1]

Six million tons of platform bench of erroneous information and false witnesses.

[Monologue Poet 2]

Sparkling artisanal commentary.

[Monologue Poet 1]

The full bodied, faintly nutty and somewhat.

[Monologue Poet 2]

Chocolatey mug of news that is my nightly monologue.

[Monologue Poet 1]

But sometimes, just sometimes, sometimes I end up rummaging through the back alley behind the news bakery.

[Monologue Poet 2]

I face plan.

[Monologue Poet 1]

I find myself picking up a grubby plastic soda cup.

[Monologue Poet 2]

The unwashed bucket of information gruel.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

The septic sludge that is my segment.

[Monologue Poet 1]

Slightly undercooked casserole, that is my segment. Diabetes inducing Baja Blast concentrated syrup, that is my segment.

[Monologue Poet 2]

The hospital call worthy sludge, that is my segment.

[Monologue Poet 1]

The economy section. Mix of news, that is my segment.

[Monologue Poet 2]

The coffee stain that is my segment.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

Meanwhile.

Thank you 10 applied Joni Lisman English students. You all get as you will all receive A's and a subpoena from CBS's lawyers.

Meanwhile, a desk used by Lord of the Rings author J.R.R. tolkien is set to be auctioned in London with a guide price of $67,000 to $100,000. I don't care.

I don't care. Just sell the boat. Oh, the kids like the boat. Sell the kids.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love you, baby doll.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

Meanwhile, a widow and widower fell in love during water aerobics. They wed in the pool where they met. That is fantastic because it proves it's never too late to find love and then completely forget to book a wedding venue. Besides, I believe weddings should be fun and pools are fun. I just hope they didn't consummate it in the Jacuzzi.

Don't go in a hot.

We were gonna cut that whole story.

It was like, it doesn't really have an out. I don't really know what the out is, you know, like that. And I just said, I don't is really the joke. Old folk in a hot tub. And then my exec over here, Tom Purcell, said to Louis, you got a song for that? And Lewis said, I'll work on it. And I think less than nine minutes later, that audio file showed up on your phone. And I went, I'm in.

That's how you do it, folks. It's called teamwork. Yeah, make the dream work.

Meanwhile, Japan has unveiled a human washing machine. So now you can get washed like laundry. I'm sorry. This is a new level of lazy. Soaping and rinsing ourselves is just too much for us now. So we need to lie immobile while a machine hoses us down, which is frankly pathetic. And yes, I would like one, please.

Anyway, let's be honest. We know what's going to happen in that thing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Washing machine.

[Late Show Writer/Producer]

Was I even close? Was my lip match even close? I can't hear a damn thing.

Six more months now. Meanwhile.

There you go. Meanwhile, in couture news this week Chanel held a fashion show in the New York City subway. Gotta be a weird day on the C train. Don't worry, honey, that's not a subway masturbator. That's a subway masturbator in Chanel.

And we have a photo of one of the actual models from the Chanel show. Absolutely stunning. Reminds me of that famous saying by Coco Chanel before you leave the house, look in the mirror and put a crab trap on your head.

Meanwhile.

In Safari News do lions have accents? A study shows big cats from different African regions roar in distinct dialects. It's true. You can actually tell where some lions come from by how they roar. Listen carefully. Crikey.

Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

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