Meanwhile | What's Going On Over There?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Meanwhile | What's Going On Over There?
Date: April 12, 2026
Host: Stephen Colbert

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Episode Overview

This episode is a classic installment of Stephen Colbert’s recurring “Meanwhile” and “What’s Going On Over There?” segments, combining sharp satire, playful absurdity, and world news oddities. Stephen guides listeners through a series of bizarre, hilarious stories—ranging from scientific advancements and public health news to international curiosities—with his trademark wit and irreverence.

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Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

1. Meanwhile: The Latest in Bizarre News (01:09–06:59)

Stephen kicks off with a series of inane and delightful stories, riffing on each topic with signature sarcasm and surreal humor.

Population Control for DC Rats

• Washington D.C. is putting rats on birth control to address overpopulation.
• Quote:
  • “Perfect for anyone thinking I wish all these rats also had mood swings.” (C, 01:36)

Artificial Intelligence Shortcomings

• Sam Altman says ChatGPT can't set a timer for another year—Colbert offers a tongue-in-cheek solution:
• Quote:
  • “Luckily, I have an advanced intelligent gadget that can set a timer without need for Wifi or electricity. And as a bonus, it is shaped like a cute little chicken.” (C, 01:47)

Sword Yoga: The New Fitness Craze

• A new workout trend fuses Tai Chi, kung fu, intuitive movement, and Vinyasa yoga—using swords.
• Colbert’s Comparison:
  • “It's basically the espresso martini of exercise. A confusing combination of things that make you both want to fight and sleep.” (C, 02:20)

Public Health Campaigns and Masturbation

• Men are encouraged to masturbate more to lower prostate cancer risk.
• Quote:
  • “My apple watch says it's time to masturbate. Go ahead and finish the meeting without me. I gotta close my rings.” (C, 02:58)

Burger King Whopper Upgrades

• Burger King updates the Whopper for the first time in a decade, with a new bun, box, and “better-tasting” mayonnaise.
• Colbert’s Take:
  • “You'll notice they didn't say delicious or amazing new mayonnaise. Just better. …Burger King, it could be worse.” (C, 03:31)

The Great Fart Debate

• Washington Post asks: Do men or women have worse farts? Science answers: Spoiler, women.
• Colbert’s Dig:
  • “You’re studying that because you’ve already cured cancer with the whole yanking it thing, right? Science. You have cured cancer. Right?” (C, 03:57)

Biotech and Headless Bodies

• Biotech startup replaces animal testing with “headless human bodies”—aka “living organ sacs.”
• Quote:
  • “It’s living, but only in the sense that we’re keeping it alive against its will. And no, we don’t know why it keeps pointing at you. I don’t like it.” (C, 04:38)

Can Sugar Cure Hemorrhoids?

• Doctors consider if sugar can treat hemorrhoids—based on real “life hacks.”
• Memorable Line:
  • “Somebody's going to have to fish out all those Skittles. Boof the rainbow. This is a true story based on a so called life hack.” (C, 05:55)

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2. What’s Going On Over There? (International Segment) (07:10–10:58)

Colbert takes listeners on a mock world news tour, spotlighting quirky international headlines.

Bahamas: BB the Submarine Parrot

• A parrot named BB goes viral for exploring the Bahamas in a custom submarine.
• Colbert’s Take:
  • “That headline could also read, confused bird trapped in Nalgene pad. Would like this to be over.” (C, 07:36)

India: World’s Worst Air Quality

• Loni, India noted for having the world’s worst air.
• Colbert’s Punchline:
  • “Coming in at a close second is that one car on the F train that isn't crowded for some reason.” (C, 07:58)

Sweden: IKEA x Pokémon

• IKEA launches a Pokémon crossover (jokingly claims “meatballs made out of ground Pikachu”).
• Comedic Exaggeration:
  • “Oh, yeah. No. 100% no. It's happening.” (C, 08:24)

England: Soccer Homicides & Pizza Innovations

• One man kills another over soccer—'they said it was okay.'
• Sticky Toffee Pudding Pizza exists (London’s Circus Pizza).
• Colbert’s Invite:
  • “Yes. Boom. I am crushing this news quiz.” (C, 08:40)

England: Vegetarian Menu Psychology

• East Anglia university study: Pictures of animals next to menu meat options increase vegetarian orders.
• Memorable Satire:
  • “You can do that with vegetables, too… This garbanzo bean is named Katie. She has three little boys and is working two jobs to buy them bikes for Christmas…” (C, 09:29)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On rats and mood swings:
  “Perfect for anyone thinking I wish all these rats also had mood swings.” (01:36)
• On AI timers:
  “Chicken. Create celebrity porn. Broken. Is this an implicit Broken.” (01:55)
• On health studies:
  “Does science have to turn everything fun into a chore?” (02:53)
• On Pokémon meatballs:
  “For a limited time, their famous meatballs will be made out of ground Pikachu. Oh, yeah. No. 100% no. It's happening.” (08:24)
• On emotional manipulation with veggies:
  “This garbanzo bean is named Katie. She has three little boys and is working two jobs to buy them bikes for Christmas…Please don’t work so hard, Mommy. Let us kiss away your tears. Anyway, shall we grind Katie up to make your hummus now? You monster?” (09:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• (01:09) – Start of “Meanwhile” Segment
• (02:20) – Sword Yoga Trend
• (02:58) – Masturbation & Prostate Cancer Study
• (03:31) – Burger King Whopper Update
• (04:38) – Headless Human Testing
• (05:55) – Sugar & Hemorrhoids
• (07:10) – “What’s Going On Over There?” International News
• (07:36) – BB the Submarine Parrot
• (08:24) – IKEA x Pokémon
• (09:29) – Vegetarian Menu Study Satire

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Tone & Style

Colbert’s delivery is fast-paced, loaded with puns, comedic analogies, and satirical exaggeration—often transforming the mundane or bizarre into laugh-out-loud moments. He interacts directly with the audience (and imaginary objects, like the chicken timer), mixing genuine curiosity about the absurdity of the world with a cheeky, self-aware sense of humor. His international segment lampoons the randomness of world news through playful stereotyping and wild improvisation.

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Summary prepared for listeners seeking the full flavor of Stephen Colbert’s quick-witted, irreverent take on current oddities both domestic and international.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Folks, if you watch this show, and I certainly hope you do, you know that I spend most of my time right over there at the news work site building a topical story enclosure using mahogany cladding, black and steel, and Shosugiman charred wood accents with an interior of rift white oak flooring, all on a stepped massing integrated with the topography to build for you the custom Mojo Stumer luxury home that is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, after getting caught selling fake amphetamines for racing dogs, I crawl into a busted wheelie bin that I cover with a discarded plastic panel ad for weight loss gummies and huddle inside the vagrant chalet of news that is my segment. Meanwhile, it's like a rest stop for the brain. You know, Safe harbor. It's important in any storm to. Meanwhile, in order to control the exploding population, Washington D.C. is putting rats on birth control. Perfect for anyone thinking I wish all these rats also had mood swings. Meanwhile, artificial intelligence guru Sam Altman says it'll take another year before ChatGPT can start a timer. Luckily, I have an advanced intelligent gadget that can set a timer without need for WI Fi or electricity. And as a bonus, it is shaped like a cute little chicken. There it is. Works great. Chicken Set timer for five minutes. Chicken. Chicken. Write my thesis paper. Chicken. Create celebrity porn. Broken. Is this an implicit Broken. Meanwhile, there's a hot new fitness trend among women. Sword yoga. The workout is a fusion of Tai chi, kung fu, a touch of intuitive movement and slow breathing paired with Vinyasa yoga. It's basically the espresso martini of exercise. A confusing combination of things that make you both want to fight and sleep. Meanwhile, a new health campaign tells men they should masturbate more to lower their risk of cancer. And there's a 19 to 22% lower risk of prostate cancer for those who ejaculate 21 or more times per month. Does science have to turn everything fun into a chore? Sorry, my apple watch says it's time to masturbate. Go ahead and finish the meeting without me. I gotta close my rings. Meanwhile, there's news from Burger island. Because Burger King is making its first significant update to the Whopper in nearly a decade. And now it features a premium bun and is served in a box and comes with better tasting mayonnaise. You'll notice they didn't say delicious or amazing new mayonnaise. Just better. They should bring that kind of attitude to the advertising. But Burger King, it could be worse. Meanwhile, love Burger King. Love it. Double Whopper with cheese onion rings. A death row meal. Meanwhile, the Washington Post asks, do men or women have worse farts? Science has the answer. And you're studying that because you've already cured cancer with the whole yanking it thing, right? Science. You have cured cancer. Right, Because I've Never run a 5k to raise awareness of farts. Spoiler. Women meanwhile. Right? That's right. Meanwhile. And this one's kind of fun and upsetting. A new biotech startup says headless human bodies could replace lab animals for scientific testing. Neat. Hey, everybody. I know you've all found it a little upsetting to do our testing on rabbits. So good news. We've brought in these headless human bodies. Don't worry, we didn't chop off any heads. These bodies are grown without heads into what the biotech firm refers to as living organ sacs. So it's living, but only in the sense that we're keeping it alive against its will. And no, we don't know why it keeps pointing at you. I don't like it. I told you it was upsetting. Meanwhile, in sweet relief news, doctors are asking, can you really treat hemorrhoids with sugar? God, I hope so, or somebody's going to have to fish out all those Skittles. Boof the rainbow. This is A true story based on a so called life hack. Some hemorrhoid sufferers are actually wondering, is a DIY sugary paste really a secret booty bomb? By the way, secret booty bomb still my favorite pritz song.

[B]

More Late show pot show after this,

[C]

Folks. There's a fun fact from the Artemis II mission. The United States is part of something called the world. And there it is right there. And stuff happens there too. And I like to tell you all about it in my international segment. What's going on over there? First up, the Bahamas. Okay, okay, you take your time, you take your time. First up, the Bahamas. Come on, pretty mamas. According to reports, BB the parrot has gone viral for exploring the Bahamas in a custom built submarine. Yeah, it's adorable, but I think we're using the words exploring and submarine very generously here. That headline could also read, confused bird trapped in Nalgene pad. Would like this to be over. Exploring. Next up, what's going on in India? According to experts, Loni India, a small city outside of Delhi, has the world's worst air. Coming in at a close second is that one car on the F train that isn't crowded for some reason. Moving on, moving on. Moving on to yet another country, Sweden, the one that isn't Norway. Big promotional news from Sweden's furniture mavens because there's a new Ikea Pokemon crossover coming. Yes, very exciting. It's very exciting. For a limited time, their famous meatballs will be made out of ground Pikachu. Oh, yeah. No. 100% no. It's happening. Next up, we're heading to England where a man just killed another man but was over soccer, so they said it was okay. In a completely different story, one English restaurant is asking, would you eat sticky toffee pudding on pizza? Yes. Boom. I am crushing this news quiz. The new glop comes from London's Circus Pizza, so named because of their value meal, where you receive a slice of pizza, a soda, and get to mistreat an elephant. But you all laughed at ground up Pokemon. Who's the monster now? Also in England, at the University of East Anglia, researchers found the odds of ordering a vegetarian dish increased by 22% when they printed pictures of animals next to the meat options on a menu. For example, a pig next to pork gyros and a cow next to beef Bolognese. Well, yeah, but that's just emotional manipulation. You can do that with vegetables, too. This garbanzo bean is named Katie. She has three little boys and is working two jobs to buy them bikes for Christmas. Even though they said we'd be happy with just a big hug. Please don't work so hard, Mommy. Let us kiss away your tears. Anyway, shall we grind Katie up to make your hummus now? You monster? That joke made me cry. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

[B]

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