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Jack in the Box
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I think you're on mute Workday starting to sound the same.
Nicole Kidman
I think you're on MU.
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Stephen Colbert
Welcome, welcome one and all to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
Audience Member
It is the.
Stephen Colbert
It's the second week of the second Trump presidency and America is having some second thoughts. I'm still working on some of my first thoughts because I gotta be honest with you, I don't think I've been honest with you. I'm not trying to be dishonest. I'm trying to preserve what's left of my mind. Because this is not my first trump rodeo. And I say rodeo cause of all the bull. We all know, we've been here. We all know what it's like to drink from this man's fire hose of hate and lies every day. But Daddy's all full. Thanks, but you gotta pay attention anyway. It's part of the gig. If only to hold onto the knowledge that none of this is normal. Cause his MAGA goons and the spineless apologists want you to believe that this is all normal and that you're crazy. It was easier to resist that idea the first time around. Even though he had won the election, he lost the majority vote. And the majority is always sane. But this time he won both. So you might start to suspect that maybe you're crazy. Nope, it's still him. So you gotta pay attention. You gotta. So you gotta pay attention, specifically, you gotta pay attention to what he's doing now, not what he did four years ago. Because it might be different. Hopes aren't high. But maybe after four years in the wilderness, the humiliation of a failed coup and the criminal convictions, maybe this time we'll see another side of him. Turns out there is no other side. He's two dimensional, he's fascist, flat Stanley, and he's got nothing new. It turns out there's nothing more in that bag. He's got nothing new to offer, even in a crisis. Take, for example, last night, there was a tragic plane crash over the Potomac. And I personally want to offer my deepest sympathy and condolences to everyone who lost a loved one in this terrible accident. Well, this morning, as 67 families were waiting in unapproachable grief, desperate to find out what happened to their loved ones, the President of the United States took that moment of their tragedy. The tragedy for these people, who I am confident are not concerned with politics right now, to, without any evidence whatsoever, blame DEI and Democrats for the deadly plane crash. One reporter at the press conference asked this obvious question, trying to figure out how you can come to the conclusion right now that diversity had something to do with this crash.
Trump
Because I have common sense. Okay?
Stephen Colbert
No, not okay. No common sense and no common decency. He blames everything on dei. It's his only game. The horrific fire sweeping through Los Angeles. DEI in the fire department, violence in America, DEI in the police departments, grocery prices, dei, chickens.
Audience Member
Folks, I don't understand why all of a sudden we have these brown eggs. When did that start? You need the smartest eggs you can get in there. I've never seen a brown omelette. Right. These aren't the eggs that mom used to lay. That's all I'm saying.
Stephen Colbert
So it's day 10, but already things in America are far from normal. Case in point, yesterday, Trump ordered the preparation of Guantanamo Bay to house migrants. Okay, okay. To all of his supporters who kept saying, he's not going to build camps, you're right, he's not. He's refurbishing camps. This is a bad and stupid idea for a lot of reasons. One is because Trump explained it this way.
Trump
Most people don't even know about it. We have 30,000 beds in Guantanamo.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, it's true. Most people don't know that we have 30,000 beds in Guantanamo. And you know why? Because we don't. That might be why instead of 30,000 people in GTMO, as of last year, the facility was holding only four migrants. That's a considerable difference. Honey, I know you already set the table for four, but can you add a couple more plates? I invited Poughkeepsie. It seems obvious that the folks in charge of this are not serious people. Case in point, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, seen here taking bids on this vintage manhead. Yesterday, Noem was asked about the new plan for Gitmo, and this was her attempt at talking.
Kristi Noem
We're going to utilize Guantanamo Bay to a more expansive purpose and that we will be going and putting resources there to make sure we have the space to getting people out of this country right away. That will. That will make sure our face our country much more safe Our face will.
Stephen Colbert
Be so country safe through which utilization will America resources. In conclusion. Guantanam Moana 2 in theaters now. Thank you. Next question. More evidence that they're not taking this stuff seriously. The White House has told federal agents to be, quote, camera ready in tactical gear for a made for TV look. Unfortunately, they didn't say what kind of tv. And one agent arrived at a raid dressed as the masked singer Pineapple On Tuesday turned out to be Tommy Chong. On Tuesday, Noem herself joined an ICE raid here in New York City. And from the looks of it, she thought they were raiding a glamour shots. Noem's not just going for glam, for deportations. She's also spicing things up at the office. This week, Noem addressed staff at DHS for the first time, and she used some unusual entrance music. One hot mama, you turn me on let's turn it up and turn this into a sauna. One hot mama, oh, what do you say, baby, you, Honor?
Kristi Noem
Good afternoon.
Stephen Colbert
Seems like a weird choice, but there is precedent. We all remember when President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden was dead.
Nicole Kidman
My mixture brings all our boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right.
Stephen Colbert
Good evening. Trump and his lackeys justify everything they're doing by saying they're only deporting the.
Audience Member
Dangerous ones, the Los Haniba Lectores.
Stephen Colbert
Like that planeload of Colombians their government refused to let land, in part because they were all handcuffed.
Trump
We were being scolded because we had them in shackles in an airplane. And he said, this is no way to treat people. Now, you gotta understand, these are murderers, drug lords, gang members. Just toughest people you've ever met or seen.
Stephen Colbert
Uh huh. What we gotta understand is that everything you say is a lie. Because according to the Colombian government, of those 200 Colombians, none of them were criminals. Now, I don't know if we can trust what the Colombian government says, but what we can verify is that among the more than 200 deportees were two pregnant women and more than 20 children.
Audience Member
Yeah, but children can be so vicious, folks. Just a few months ago, they were all going door to door demanding candy.
Stephen Colbert
Some.
Audience Member
Some were vampires, some were cowboys with little guns. I saw one wicked witch, and her little brother was a dinosaur. What if. What if she turned him into that dinosaur with a spell. We can't take any chances. She could turn the stewardess into. And then with a little arm, she wouldn't be able to point out the exit door. She wouldn't. Or open a Diet Coke.
Stephen Colbert
So that's not great, really. Do you want the whole can? Great. But people's, you know, in Trump's orbit say, okay, maybe these children aren't criminals, but they're not American citizens. Except when they are. Because on Friday, a toddler, his mother, and his grandmother, all American citizens, were taken to an immigration detention center by U.S. officials in Milwaukee after they were overheard speaking Spanish. Hey, hey, ICE dummies. Some Americans can speak other languages. For instance, I took Spanish, seven years of Latin. Are you going to deport me to ancient Rome? Please, because I want to meet Denzel Washington now.
Audience Member
Rome. Oh, no. Rome. We love Rome. Oh, yes.
Stephen Colbert
Rage. Turns out the family had been born in Puerto Rico. And after the mother showed them their birth certificates, officials became apologetic, with one of them saying, I'm so sorry. He would have said, lo siento. But then he would have had to detain himself. We got a great show for you tonight. Nicole Kidman takes the Colbert questionnaire.
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Paramount Plus
Transformers 1 is now streaming on Paramount Plus. It's the blast from beginning to end.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, stop.
Paramount Plus
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Nicole Kidman
What do you know about the Lioness program? Are you a lioness? I run it.
Paramount Plus
From Taylor Sheridan comes the Paramount plus original series starring Zoe Saldana.
Stephen Colbert
I choose the asset.
Nicole Kidman
I choose the COVID I build the plan and I run it.
Audience Member
Me.
Paramount Plus
With Academy award winner Morgan Freeman and Academy award winner Nicole Kidman.
Nicole Kidman
Everyone's watching on this one, and I do mean everyone.
Paramount Plus
Lioness New season now streaming exclusively on Paramount plus.
Stephen Colbert
Welcome back to the Late Show. I don't need to tell you right there, that's Nicole Kidman. Nicole, it's always lovely to talk to you. And here's the thing. As revelatory as you are as an actress, as how giving you are emotionally in an interview. Sometimes it's hard to get to know someone in the 12 to 15 minutes we have here on the Late show on any given night. And you're someone so worth getting to know better that I was hoping that I could take a moment right now and give you something called the Colbert Questionnaire, which is a series of questions that have been ergonomically designed to penetrate straight to the soul of one of my guests and reveal their true being to the world. Are you prepared? Do you have the courage to take the Kohlberg questionnaire? Nicole Kidman.
Nicole Kidman
It sounds awful, but I will.
Stephen Colbert
Nicole Kidman. What is the best sandwich?
Nicole Kidman
Is that honestly the question? You said it.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, we start low. It gets much tougher.
Nicole Kidman
Oh, good. The best sandwich.
Stephen Colbert
What is the best sandwich?
Nicole Kidman
Well, I love a salad sandwich. Do you know what a salad sandwich is?
Stephen Colbert
Watercress on white bread. What do you mean?
Nicole Kidman
It's salad. Yes, some salad. But you have beetroot, onions, tomato, lettuce, and it's on white bread, and it's very crunchy, so I love that. But that's not my favorite sandwich. I love a cheese and tomato toast.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, that's nice.
Nicole Kidman
But I love a salad sandwich.
Stephen Colbert
Salad sandwich.
Audience Member
Okay.
Stephen Colbert
You can only have one.
Nicole Kidman
Okay, okay. You didn't say one.
Stephen Colbert
What is the best sandwich? There can't be two best sandwiches. I don't want to fight.
Nicole Kidman
I don't want to fight.
Stephen Colbert
It was going so well.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. Yes.
Stephen Colbert
Sorry. What was the first concert?
Nicole Kidman
You're the best.
Stephen Colbert
What was the first concert you attended?
Nicole Kidman
Are you allowed to ask questions to.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, you may, yes. Oh, let me check with the judges.
Nicole Kidman
Does it have to be.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, you are allowed to.
Nicole Kidman
You mean music? Sure.
Stephen Colbert
I think so.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. AC dc.
Stephen Colbert
What?
Nicole Kidman
Fucking black.
Stephen Colbert
That is fantastic. Wow. You're pretty hip.
Nicole Kidman
Thank you. And then second was Bowie.
Stephen Colbert
Wow. That's been called the salad sandwich of concerts.
Nicole Kidman
And then third.
Stephen Colbert
Third.
Nicole Kidman
Third in excess, if anyone's a story.
Stephen Colbert
Sure. Damn, girl. What is the scariest animal?
Nicole Kidman
Oh, well, no, the first thing that came to mind is not an animal, but anyway. A tick.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, that's an animal.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. Cause I'm really. Is it an animal? An insect?
Stephen Colbert
Yes, it's in the animal kingdom.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Animalia.
Nicole Kidman
It's alive.
Stephen Colbert
I don't know if it is, but.
Nicole Kidman
It carries the Lyme disease, so I'm really scared of that.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, sure, yeah.
Nicole Kidman
Anyway, is anyone else scared of ticks?
Stephen Colbert
You don't have good do you have ticks in Australia? Yeah, but a lot. Lot of ticks down in Tennessee.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. I mean, not a lot, but they're everywhere. Oh, gosh, you're perfect. Anyway, I don't like them.
Stephen Colbert
Okay.
Nicole Kidman
But I love spiders.
Stephen Colbert
You love spiders?
Nicole Kidman
Absolutely.
Stephen Colbert
What do you love about spiders?
Nicole Kidman
And I love snakes. You like spiders and snakes, But I don't like teak.
Stephen Colbert
Apples or oranges?
Nicole Kidman
Is that the question? Apples are oranges. Okay, sorry. I won't keep questioning questions.
Stephen Colbert
I'm just. Apples or oranges?
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. Apples or oranges? Apples. With cinnamon.
Stephen Colbert
You sprinkle the cinnamon on the apple?
Nicole Kidman
Yes.
Stephen Colbert
Just plain cinnamon.
Nicole Kidman
So delicious.
Stephen Colbert
All right. Okay.
Nicole Kidman
No, you put it in a bag, shake it up. You put the apple cut up, then you put the cinnamon sprinkled in the bag, shake it up. And then you have a good snack.
Stephen Colbert
Wow. Okay.
Nicole Kidman
Everyone's like, whoa.
Stephen Colbert
Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Nicole Kidman
Well, I've asked people to sign a copy of a book or. Yeah. Philip Roth.
Stephen Colbert
Philip Roth, yeah. Wow.
Nicole Kidman
And Elton John. Oh, yeah.
Stephen Colbert
That's nice. Was that for an album or a book?
Nicole Kidman
That was because we bought lyrics.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, what? Lyrics?
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. Your song.
Stephen Colbert
That's maybe his best song.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Like the handwritten lyrics of, like, when.
Nicole Kidman
He first wrote Bernie's. Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Bernie's lyrics.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah.
Paramount Plus
Wow.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Where do you keep those?
Paramount Plus
Shh.
Stephen Colbert
What do you think happens when we die? Oh, see, it's a steep climb from best sandwich. Yeah.
Nicole Kidman
This is getting painful. What do you think that our loved ones are waiting for? For us? Going. It's wonderful. Here, come.
Stephen Colbert
That's nice. That's lovely.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
What's your favorite action movie?
Nicole Kidman
Many, but the first. Mad Max or La Femme Nikita. The original.
Stephen Colbert
Sure, sure, enfants.
Nicole Kidman
That's a deep cut.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah. Not from the 80s.
Nicole Kidman
Fem Nikita.
Stephen Colbert
Fem Nikita from the 80s. Unbelievable.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Fab window or aisle?
Nicole Kidman
Well, I have such long legs, I need the aisle to put them out there. Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Favorite smell.
Nicole Kidman
Keith.
Stephen Colbert
Least favorite smell.
Nicole Kidman
Bad breath. Like, really? That really is.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah. From a distance.
Nicole Kidman
So if I ever go take a mint floss.
Stephen Colbert
That means take a hint is what you're saying.
Nicole Kidman
Take a hint, but I'll take it too.
Stephen Colbert
What is your.
Nicole Kidman
If you're ever with me and I have bad breath, you can tell me. I'm not sensitive about it. Oh, no. Is it bad?
Stephen Colbert
I'm just making sure.
Nicole Kidman
I did eat some corn chips.
Stephen Colbert
I'm trying to just do a solid for you there. Yes, lovely, lovely. You smell like corn chips. It's a beautiful smell. It's My favorite smell.
Nicole Kidman
Salsa and corn chips.
Stephen Colbert
Earliest memory.
Nicole Kidman
Earliest memory. Eating snow? Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Wow.
Nicole Kidman
Yeah. In Washington, dc.
Stephen Colbert
How old do you think you were?
Nicole Kidman
Two. Yeah. And I have the. And my parents were throwing snowballs at each other, and I remember bending over it and I was in a little kind of coat thing, and I took my mitten off and I put the snow in my mouth and I literally remember it. And I'm not making it up. It's not. Wow.
Stephen Colbert
Were you, like, in downtown D.C. like, around the mall or something like that?
Nicole Kidman
I don't know where I was. I don't know, but I was sort of. Yeah, it's an ama. I have the memory.
Stephen Colbert
Cats or dogs?
Nicole Kidman
Oh, I can't choose. Both. We can live in harmony.
Stephen Colbert
All right. All right.
Nicole Kidman
Right. We can all live together.
Stephen Colbert
You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it? You don't have to listen to it continually, but when you go to listen to music, this is what plays.
Nicole Kidman
And it's the only song you can.
Stephen Colbert
Listen to for the rest of your life. You have to pick the song.
Nicole Kidman
Then it will never be your. You'll hate it by the end of your life.
Stephen Colbert
Well, you have to pick a really good one.
Nicole Kidman
Okay. No. I'm gonna give you this. 433, John Cage.
Stephen Colbert
Do you want to explain to everybody why that's your answer?
Nicole Kidman
Just listen to it. Ok. You'll see why.
Stephen Colbert
Just wait for the beat to drop. What do you think? Wait for the beat to drop on 433. Yeah. Wait. Don't hold your breath.
Nicole Kidman
For you.
Audience Member
Thank you.
Nicole Kidman
Thank you.
Stephen Colbert
What number am I thinking of?
Nicole Kidman
Oh. Ok. Well, this is a game.
Stephen Colbert
It's all a game if you think about it.
Nicole Kidman
Send me the number. Like, really send it to me, though it's not coming across. It's lower than 10.
Stephen Colbert
Just what number am I thinking of?
Nicole Kidman
Four.
Stephen Colbert
No.
Nicole Kidman
Oh.
Stephen Colbert
Describe the.
Nicole Kidman
What was it, though?
Stephen Colbert
What? I can't tell you because then the next person will know.
Nicole Kidman
But you'll change the number.
Stephen Colbert
No, I won't.
Nicole Kidman
Okay. Not four.
Stephen Colbert
What?
Nicole Kidman
Two.
Stephen Colbert
What?
Nicole Kidman
Two.
Stephen Colbert
Two. I'm afraid we have to move on. Describe the rest of your life in five words.
Nicole Kidman
Okay. This is where I get earnest and sincere.
Stephen Colbert
Good.
Nicole Kidman
Healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Stephen Colbert
Congratulations. You are known.
Nicole Kidman
Thank you.
Stephen Colbert
Her film Baby Girl is in theaters now. Nicole Kidman, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. I don't want to get promoted. I want to stay charmingly insubordinate. I'm okay.
Paramount Plus
Now streaming.
Stephen Colbert
Let's do this. Am I catching it?
Paramount Plus
Prepare for an adventure.
Stephen Colbert
I know these guys. They're super nice. Hey, what's up, my man?
Paramount Plus
Five seasons in the making.
Nicole Kidman
God damn it.
Stephen Colbert
This is terrible. This keeps getting cooler by the second.
Paramount Plus
Star Trek lower decks Final season now streaming.
CBS
Now streaming on Paramount plus, what's your.
Paramount Plus
Job when people go missing? I get hired to help find them.
CBS
Catch up now on tracker. I'm here to help the CBS original series that critics are calling a breakout hit.
Paramount Plus
Nothing good comes without risks.
Nicole Kidman
I would drink to that.
CBS
Justin Hartley stars.
Stephen Colbert
Hold on.
Nicole Kidman
Did you say Arrow Run?
Stephen Colbert
That's a new one.
CBS
Coulter in the CBS original Tracker. Catch up on the latest episodes now on Paramount Plus.
Episode Information:
Timestamp: [00:59] – [10:21]
Stephen Colbert opens the episode with a fiery monologue focusing on the tumultuous political climate under the renewed Trump presidency. He highlights the stark differences and similarities between Trump's first and second terms, emphasizing the potential dangers of his continued influence.
Key Points:
Trump's Unprecedented Victory: Colbert underscores that, unlike the previous election where Trump lost the majority vote, this time he secured both, questioning the sanity of such a result.
Blame Shifting on DEI: Colbert criticizes Trump for his tendency to blame Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives for various national issues, from plane crashes to violent incidents.
Guantanamo Bay Repurposing: The discussion shifts to Trump's controversial decision to refurbish Guantanamo Bay to house migrants, juxtaposing his statements with the actual capacity of the facility.
Homeland Security's Ineptitude: He mocks the Department of Homeland Security, particularly Secretary Kristi Noem, for their misguided efforts and lack of seriousness in addressing immigration issues.
Public Relations Fiascoes: Colbert further ridicules the administration’s public relations strategies, including ill-fated ICE raids and awkward attempts at engaging the public.
Deportation Narratives: He critiques Trump's narrative surrounding deportations, exposing the lies and misleading information perpetuated by the administration.
Notable Quotes:
Timestamp: [12:08] – [20:36]
In a refreshing departure from political satire, Stephen Colbert welcomes acclaimed actress Nicole Kidman to the show for the "Colbert Questionnaire." This segment aims to delve deeper into Kidman's personal preferences and experiences through a series of light-hearted and revealing questions.
Key Topics and Insights:
Favorite Sandwich:
First Concert Attended:
Scariest Animal:
Apples or Oranges:
Autograph Requests:
Philosophical Question - Afterlife:
Notable Quotes:
Timestamp: [20:36] – [22:08]
Stephen Colbert wraps up the episode by promoting Nicole Kidman's latest film, "Baby Girl," and directing listeners to additional content on The Late Show’s YouTube channel. The segment also includes humorous interactions with Paramount Plus advertisements, maintaining the show's signature blend of entertainment and wit.
Highlights:
Promotion of "Baby Girl": Encourages listeners to watch Kidman's new film in theaters.
YouTube Channel Plug: Colbert invites the audience to visit The Late Show’s YouTube channel for more exclusive content.
Humorous Interaction with Advertisements: The seamless integration of ads showcases Colbert’s ability to maintain comedic momentum.
This episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert masterfully balances sharp political commentary with engaging celebrity interviews. Colbert's incisive monologue on the current Trump administration provides listeners with a critical perspective on contemporary politics, while his personable interaction with Nicole Kidman offers a delightful glimpse into the actress's personal tastes and experiences. The inclusion of notable quotes and humorous exchanges ensures the episode remains both informative and entertaining for a diverse audience.
Stephen Colbert on Trump's Second Term:
Nicole Kidman on Her Favorite Sandwich:
Nicole Kidman on Her First Concert:
Colbert on DEI Blame-Shifting:
Nicole Kidman on Scary Animals:
Nicole Kidman on Life After Death:
These quotes encapsulate the episode's blend of political critique and personal revelation, offering listeners both depth and levity.