← The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Hey, everybody. Stephen Colbert here about to read the copy for our sponsor. This is from our friends at Wonderful Pistachios. And I was the wonderful pistachio spokesman for years. Yeah, I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back. And that's exactly the approach with Wonderful Pistachios. The don't hold back snack. These little wonders are so tasty, it feels like getting away with something. But surprise. Each serving has 6 grams of protein and 0 grams of regret. That's right. No guilt. Just glory, glory in our nuts. Whether it's a satisfying crack of in shell pistachios, and that's capitalized in shell, or the smooth, instant gratification of no shells. No judgment. That's just it. Just eat. No judgment. I take issue with one thing. It's instant gratification. It's super tasty smooth. It's a hard nut smooth. Exactly. I mean, even out of the shell, it's still a nut. We can't disparage the nuts. You. I'm not disparaging the nut. I'm describing the nut. Don't disparage any flavors. I'm not. I am celebrating the pistachio right now. I'm on board. I love pistachios. I love. I love crushed pistachio. Like a pistachio crusted trout. Oh, unbelievable. Instead of a trout amandine, a trout pistachio. Fantastic. Enough butter? Who cares? Very good. And I love pistachio ice cream. Have you had the sea salt and vinegar? Wonderful pistachio. It's delicious. I get them. I didn't even know I get them before the softball games. But that's. You see, it's been a while since I've been the spokesman for wonderful pistachios. I didn't realize we'd achieved new pistachio technology. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered. Right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session. It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut. Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike. And then it's important that you do. Because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause. Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. That was a wonderful. I wonder what more there is to learn. We just told them so much. We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently there's a whole other world. There's an unexplored vista. They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors. Wow. And I would not disparage any of them. No, no, no. Bring it on. Nothing bad to say. Nut me, nut, nut me with nut meat. We're nut. No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty. Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty. Good Summer break is here, and while kids are excited to hit pause on school, as a parent, you might be wondering how to keep their minds active without killing the summer vibe. Whether your child is trying to catch up, stay sharp or get a head start for the fall, IXL can make learning a seamless part of summer. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they're brushing up on math or diving into social studies. It covers math, language arts, science and social studies from Pre K through 12th grade. With content that's engaging, personalized, and yes, actually fun. It's the perfect tool to keep learning going without making it feel like school. Studies show kids who use IXL score higher on tests. This has been proven in almost every state. IXL uses smart technology to tailor support to each child's level, personality and learning pace. So make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixllearning.com audio visit ixllearning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Thank you. My friends, neighbors, countrymen, welcome to the Late show, everybody. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Look, I don't know. Oh yeah. Hey friends. Hey friends. I don't know what you all are talking about, but everybody I talk to is talking about what Donald Trump doesn't want to talk about. So let's talk about being the conspiracy surrounding his old dancing buddy, Jeffrey Epstein. There you go. For years, for years before he was reelected and recently, since they all got into office, a bunch of high ranking people in Trump's administration have kept promising to release the files surrounding Jeffrey Epstein, his mysterious clients and his suspicious death. But now, suddenly, for reasons that I legally cannot think of, Donald Trump seems desperate to stop us from knowing who Jeffrey Epstein's clients were. In fact, yesterday, he said he was surprised anyone even cares about the guy, why they would be so interested. He's dead for a long time. He was never a big factor in terms of life. That sentence was never a big factor in terms of word. He went on. I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff. Yes. No, he's right. The Epstein saga is a total snooze fest. I mean, the most powerful man in the world is blocking information about a cabal of the rich, the famous and the royal, befriending a con man who regularly flies off in his private plane to his private island or do super illegal sex stuff. Then the con man is arrested. People are afraid he's going to name names, but before he can, he mysteriously dies right after being taken off a suicide watch in a federal prison during the administration of the guy who, who is blocking the release of the information. Boring. Sex cults and murder are famously dull. That's why they call that movie Eyes Wide Shut, because everyone was asleep. But if for some reason you're still interested in finding out who's on Epstein's list, I would say that, you know, these files were made up by Comey, they were made up by Obama, they were made up by the Biden. You know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What did he say again? He's lying, folks. This morning. By this morning, Trump had had enough of this nonsense. He drew a line in the sand for his supporters posting in part, the radical left Democrats have hit pay dirt again. Their new scam is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein hoax. And my past supporters have bought into this bull hook line and sinker. I don't want their support anymore. Thank you for your attention to this matter and no, folks, listen, if you insist on asking me about Jeffrey Epstein, please turn in your MAGA hat, your golden shoes, your golden watch, your Trump golden guitar, and also immediately delete any NFTs you have of me as laser eyes, top gun, moon man or outer space lion tamer. Thank you for your attention to this matter. That's my favorite. Outer space. I can do that. I really can do that. You can't build. You can. Thank you. You can't build a brand on conspiracy theories and then get mad when people are interested in your conspiracy theories. The same reason. Same reason Hooters had to drop their short lived ad campaign. If you're not here for the food, please go home. So. So. Woo. They have buffalo wings. So Trump is trying to make this go away, but that's not going to be easy because in a new poll, just 3% of U.S. adults say they're satisfied with the information released about Jeffrey Epstein. 3%. Which means Trump's handling of the Epstein files has the exact same rating as Battlefield Earth does on Rotten Tomatoes, which, coincidentally, Jeffrey Epstein was watching right before he killed himself. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Obviously he didn't kill himself. And keep in mind, keep in mind, Trump has been talking about his ties to Epstein for decades. In 2002, he told New York magazine, I've known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are are on the younger side. But once the world found out exactly what those women were on the younger side of, Trump changed his tune. I wasn't a big fan of Jeffrey Epstein. I didn't want anything to do with him. I was not a fan of Jeffrey Epstein. Hey, I'm not a fan. He's the kind of terrific guy that I am not a fan of. He's a lot of fun to be with and I don't like that at all. It is even said, it is even said that he is a fan of the kind of beautiful women that I am not a fan of. That's why I spent so much time with him and his sexy friends on the no thank you express. Last week, to quell the onslaught of demands for more of this information, the FBI released a video of the outside of Epstein's prison cell. But instead of quashing the conspiracy theories, it just created more because the FBI admitted the video has a missing minute, which is concerning. Okay, but to kill a guy, you'd need like three times that. By the way, last night, an analysis by Wired revealed that the video actually had nearly three minutes cut out. Three minutes. Three missing minutes. That's not the kind of thing that calms conspiracy theorists down. Guys, guys, don't worry, okay? The FBI says there wasn't a shooter on the grassy knoll, okay? But we have discovered three new knolls. Grassy, sticky and Bushy Plus. Despite the administration claiming it was raw footage, Wired found that the video had been stitched together in Adobe Premiere Pro from two video files. Yeah. See if you can spot the edit. Go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Further analysis showed that one of the source clips was approximately 2 minutes and 53 seconds longer than the segment included in the final video. So follow me down the rabbit hole. What's 2 minutes and 53 seconds long? The song God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Where do you find beaches on islands? Who had a private island when he was alive? Marlon Brando, whose name is an anagram of Almond Baron. What are almonds? What's also nuts? The Jeffrey Epstein scandal. What really. What really happened to Jeffrey Epstein? God only knows. Is this a dream? Am I dreaming? Am I awake? Yesterday, Trump took a break from telling us how we shouldn't care about his mysterious dead pedophile buddy and paid a visit to Pennsylvania instead. He was there to celebrate new investments in AI energy projects. But things went off the rails pretty darn quick. When I first heard about AI, you know, it's not my thing. Although my uncle was at MIT. One of the great professors, 51 years, whatever. He was the longest serving professor in the history of MIT. 3 degrees in nuclear, chemical and math. That's a smart man. That's a smart man. He also had six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It was like only man to ever have four. That's four right there. Brace yourself. None of that was true. Trump's uncle was an MIT professor, but he was not the longest serving ever. And his PhD was actually in electrical engineering. But I'll tell you what is true. We found this real picture of his uncle John Trump strapped into one of his marvelous machines. Now, I don't know what it does, but that photo is from 1950, so I believe it injects you with cigarettes. Then, you know, for funsies, I guess. He told everybody that his uncle taught the Unabomber. Kaczynski was one of his students. Do you know who Kaczynski was? There's very little difference between a madman and a genius. But Kaczynski, I said, what kind of a student was he? Uncle John, Dr. John Trump. He said, what kind of a student? And then he said, seriously good. He said he'd correct. He'd go around correcting everybody. Now, I'm no Ted Kaczynski, but let me correct you right there. None of that is true either. Kaczynski. Kaczynski did not go to mit. He Went to Harvard. Yes, but sometimes old Ted would take the crosstown bus over to mit. Then he would go around correcting people. He'd say, I actually. I actually didn't go to school here. You know, you don't actually know me. I'm a figment of the imagination of your dumbest nephew. Even more insane. Let's all go the lobby let's all go the lobby let's all go de dee ha. Even more insane. Kaczynski wasn't ID'd as the Unabomber until 1996, but Trump's uncle died in 1985. So why on earth would Trump have asked his uncle about him? Hey, Uncle John. Uncle. Professor Dr. John Trump. Professor, Sir. Uncle. You know, that random guy who isn't famous at all and lives in the woods and machines his own screws? What was it like when you didn't teach him? We got a great show for you tonight coming up. Owen Wilson. You buy a pair of socks. That's two socks. You buy a pair of Bombas socks, that's four socks. Because one purchased is one donated. Socks are the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So when you buy a pair of super comfortable Bombas socks, you're also donating a pair. Bombus customers have powered over 150 million donations. So Bombas would like to thank you 150 million times, but we only have like, 30 seconds. Go to bombus.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O-M B-S.com and use code audio at checkout. Get smoother, brighter skin instantly. In one easy step, Dermalogica's daily microfoliant gives you the smooth, glowy skin you want without damaging your skin barrier. This gentle exfoliating powder activates with water to smooth out rough texture and brighten skin. It's powerful enough to deliver results, yet gentle enough to use every single day, even on sensitive skin. See the results for yourself. Visit dermalogica.com and use code smooth at cart for an exclusive free gift with $65 purchase. Ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from Midnight in Paris, the Royal Tenenbaums and Zoolander. He now stars in the Apple TV show Stick. Please welcome Owen Wilson. Really nice. Yeah. So nice to have you. Thank you for having me. You know, I wanted to talk to you for a long time. I've been a fan since, you know, I guess since Bottle Rocket, you know, since back in the day. That was the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I just Thought that after, you know, after so many years of wanting to talk to you, I could. We could just go into some old, normal interview right now, Right? You know, talk about stick, you know, but, you know, I think that because it's been so long since I've had a chance to talk to you, I've wanted to for so long that I thought maybe we just try to go straight to the heart of Owen Wilson. Yeah. We have this on the show. It's called the Colbert Questionnaire. Okay. And I was wondering, are you familiar? Have you heard of it? Yeah. Have you heard of it? Your friends out in Hollywood have told you about the questionnaire. Yep. Okay. The news has made it west. Okay, good. Good. It takes a fair amount of courage because these are all ergonomically designed to penetrate straight to your soul and reveal you to an audience. And do you have the courage to be known. It's about time. Let's. Let's figure out what makes this guy click. Okay. Fantastic. Well, brave man. So what's going to happen right now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Colbert Questionnaire with Owen Wilson. Here we go. All right. Want to hydrate or something? You want to. That's. You want water? Yeah. Okay. It is important. Owen Wilson, first question of the questionnaire. Go easy. Easy, sir. We'll ease you in. Okay. What is the best sandwich? Well, of course, the little kid in you wants to find a loophole and say, an ice cream sandwich. But we'll accept any answer. I think what I would say is, when we would visit my grandmother and go the beach, she would make PB and Js with the crust cut off on Pepperidge Farm bread. Like the thin bread? Yeah, the thin. The sandwich bread. And then having that, nothing works up an appetite like swimming in the ocean. So that was very satisfying. You get the salty and you get the sweet at the same time. And then I had a great grandmother, too. Yeah. What jelly are we talking about here? I think it was Smucker's. Yeah. Strawberry. Strawberry. Strawberry. And with a name like Smucker's. Yeah. It's gotta be good. It's gotta be good. Thank you. Are they a sponsor? Cut that out right now, then. All right. Oh, Owen Wilson. What was the first concert you attended? It was The Rolling Stones, 1980. So I was 12. And it was the Tattoo you tour, and that's where Mick Jagger was wearing kind of like football pants with no pads and a very tight. Like, very tight yellow. These were yellow kind of canaries Yellow. Yeah. And, you know, and the day before, it had been just a downpour. And so the day that I went, they were really happy. There was no rain and it was a beautiful. I mean, it was just kind of overwhelming, you know, for a 12 year old. But. Do you have a favorite Stone song? It's not on the question. What's your favorite stone? My favorite stone song or anything you remember from that concert? Well, I mean, Start Me up, that was the big. That was the big hit. But my favorite. I think I would have to say Tumbling Dice or maybe the Keith Richards one. Happy that he says. Oh, yeah, yeah. Mike Heath is. Before they Make Me Run, I was just about to say that I took it. It's too late. Really? Yeah. What is the scariest animal? Scariest animal? I don't love rats. I would have to say go with rats. Yeah, I would say. I would have to say rats. Apples or oranges? Well, you can't really compare them, can you? You just have to choose. Yes, I would choose. For me, I would say apple. Like a good. What are we talking about? Crunchy apple. Well, you know, for an apple pie, you kind of need the green ones. Granny Smith. But for just an apple, I would go for just the classic red fall apple. Like a Macintosh. Yeah, yeah. Or like a Red Delicious. Yeah, keep going, keep going. Gala. Yes. Honey Crisp. Fuji. Honey Crisp. Honey gosh. Yeah. Cosmic Flake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, A couple of those. The Honey Crisp, too. Yeah. I'm a Fuji man. I'm a Fuji man. Okay. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? I have. What was that? Lots. But the one I remember as a kid when I was maybe. Maybe in college in Dallas was Oliver Stone was in Dallas filming. And I saw him and I went up and I said, I'd like to get an autograph from my brother Luke. And he called his wife over and he said, this is for Luke. He goes, that's a real Texas name, isn't it? And so I felt like I had a real sort of moment with them. So it was more than just an autograph. I had that thing where he brought his wife over to compliment or I took it as a compliment. So did Luke. That. That's a real text. Exactly, yeah. Did he say anything about Owen? No, because I didn't. That didn't come up. I didn't ever say my name. What do you think happens when we die? Oh, yeah, we don't pull our punches here. I think that you hear a voice, and I think that voice sounds a lot like Jim Nance. And I think that voice says and now, welcome to the first tee from Dallas, Texas, Owen Wilson and the angels go bananas. Wow. And the first hole in heaven. Par four, Par five. Par dog leg. Par five, dog leg. Yes. Right, left. There you go. Okay, we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, Owen Wilson will complete the Colbert questionnaire. I've never felt like this before. It's like you just get me. I feel like my true self with you. Does that. So crazy. And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous. Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me. I mean, you can't find shoes this good just anywhere. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love, like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas, and more at your DSW store or dsw dot com. Hi, I'm Kristen Bell, and if you know my husband Dax, then you also know he loves shopping for a car. Selling a car, not so much. We're really doing this, huh? Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your VIN or license, and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning, and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon. Bye. Bye, Truckee. Of course, we kept the favorite. Hello, other Truckee. Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply. We're back. Yeah. With Owen Wilson for the dramatic conclusion of the Colbert questionnaire. Favorite action movie. For me, it would be between First Blood and Road Warrior. And I would have to go with Road Warrior. I mean, that has a real. I mean, that villain in that. The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, that was the real huge guy. But then the guy with the mohawk is really a scary character. Great villain. Window or isle. Did you ever see the Road Warrior? Oh, yeah. Okay. I didn't feel like you were responding. No, no, no, no, no. I'm full responding. Road Warrior. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And Mad Max, obviously. The first one was the Road Warrior. Yeah, Road Warrior. That was the second one. Mad Max was Big George. Millisecond. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, but thank. Yeah, I feel mildly attacked. But that's okay. So I'll get you back. Master Blaster. There you go. Okay, I'm on board. The little kid who has the. You know, the little music thing that they throw to. Yeah, yeah. And obviously Thunderdome. Thunderdome. Yes, exactly. Greatest song. Greatest song. Yes. We don't need another hero we don't need to know the way home yes, we do. All we want is life beyond Thunderdome. Yeah. See, there we go. It's a song. What I love about that song, it's on the road. My friend, one of my. My old friend, one of my producers, Paul Danello, and I love to share the idea that how eternal that song is, it's always gonna mean the same thing to everyone. Yeah. Because no one will ever forget what the Thunderdome was. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Two minutes. What can we add to this song to make sure that 100 years from now, it'll mean exactly the same thing? What about Thunderdome? Window or isle? I would say for sure. Window. I bet no one ever says isle. I sometimes say aisle because I don't want to have to ask the person, I gotta go to the bathroom. I don't want to. I don't mind doing that. I want to be able to sleep, to kind of put my head against the side. Favorite smell? The ocean. Yeah. Jasmine or jasmine. Jasmine's good. Jasmine growing by the ocean. Provence would be good for you. Yeah. There you go. Least favorite smell I don't love, like, a real strong, like, cologne or perfume. I'm not crazy about. It's just sometimes it just can be really too much. Earliest memory. Yeah. You know, memory is such a tricky thing, but meaning, well, just what is it? And then what have your parents told you? Kind of. Oh. In other words, the thing you think is your oldest memory might be a story you were told. What I feel like was, I was still, you know, my mother giving me a haircut, like, kind of on the counter. And the family across the street, the Buckleys, had moved, like, a few weeks earlier. And we were friends with the kids, so that was kind of a sad thing. And then all of a sudden, while I'm getting the haircut, I see trucks coming in, and I'm like, the Buckleys are back. The Buckleys are back. But it was another family moving in. Yeah. And then. Did they have kids? Well, yeah, that's the thing. Then I became friends with those kids, so, you know. Do you keep up with the Buckleys? No. I lost track of. Maybe they're watching right now. Yeah, maybe that would be nice. Is there anyone in the Buckley family you'd like to say hello to right now? Yeah, to all of them. Great. Yeah. Cats or dogs? I would say for sure dogs. But it's not like an instant thing. Whereas I grew up with dogs. But in college, there was a cat that started hanging around my apartment, and I started feeding the cat. Just a random. Yeah. And I'd never really been around cats, and then I really got attached to this cat, and it's going to sound funny but, yeah, I named it Buckley. I really did. That was the name perfect. I know. That is perfect. Yeah. And then that's the name also we used in the Royal Tenenbaums for the name of the dog. Yeah. Like that name, Buckley. God, I didn't realize it sort of like. Well, that's the kind of thing. That's the kind of trowel work you get with the questionnaire. Yeah. It pulls all that stuff out. It's quite magical. Yeah. Okay. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is this song? You don't have to listen to it continually, but when you go to listen to it, this is what you get. Yeah. Okay, so I had that. Okay, I'm gonna go with, you know, the Summer Wind by Frank Sinatra, but then with Brian Wilson, you know, thinking about him. Brian Wilson, just for the. We're recording this the night that Brian Wilson passed. Yeah. And so he's a Wilson brother. I'm a Wilson brother. And so I would say Good Vibrations. What number am I thinking of? Is it between, like, can you, you know, narrow it down? Like, between 0 and 10? What number am I thinking of? I'm glad to get it. It's a whole number. It's a whole number. It's a whole number. It's an. Okay. I would say 37. No. Does anybody ever get it? Describe. Describe the rest of your life in five words. Cabo. Vegas. Istanbul. Berlin. Did I say Cabo? Yes. Tijuana. Congratulations, Owen Wilson. You are known. The finale of Stick airs July 23rd on Apple TV. Owen Wilson, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the Late show, you, YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. The grill isn't the only thing sizzling this summer. Pluto TV is bringing the heat with thousands of free movies. It's summer of cinema and it's all for free on Pluto tv. Stream all your favorite blockbuster hits. Gladiator. I am not entertained. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The Matrix trilogy. Here we go. Boys in the Hood. Good Burger and Jerry Maguire. Show me the money. All for free. Pluto tv Stream now pay. Never. To understand the power of hip hop today, you gotta go back to where it all started. New York City, a new docu series hosted by LL Cool J is coming to Paramount. You saying hip hop went worldwide from right here? Yeah. Featuring untold stories from artists like Rev Run, Method Man, Dougie Fresh and more. I want to impact not only my generation, but the generation before me, the generation after me, who would ever think that we could be world famous? I would have never imagined that hip hop was born here. New docu series streaming July 22nd on Paramount.