Pete Holmes

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Guest: Pete Holmes
Date: April 11, 2026
Episode Theme:
A lively and humorous conversation with comedian Pete Holmes, covering the joys and perils of aging, playful parenting stories, comedic reflections on childhood playgrounds, Pete’s new children’s book, and the quirks of fantasy accents in pop culture.

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Main Discussion Themes

1. Aging and Embracing Your 40s

• Stephen greets Pete, marveling at his youthful energy despite turning 47 soon.
  • Quote:
    “If anybody is and they're worried about being 47, it's not that bad. It’s the little things, right?”
    — Pete Holmes [01:32]
• Pete’s anecdote about how aging shows in unexpected ways:
  • Jokes about the texture of his feet and his wife mistaking his barefoot for a shoe:
    “She goes, Pete, are you wearing shoes? That is the texture of my bare foot. She thought it was a gag. She's like, there's no way that's a foot. He's wearing Timberlands.”
    — Pete Holmes [02:07]
  • Lighthearted guidance from Stephen: “You gotta moisturize... use that pumice stone down there to get off the edges.” [02:23]
  • Pete riffs about borrowing a pumice stone from his elderly mother. [02:29]

2. Parenting and Playground Antics

• Pete reflects on lessons learned from fatherhood.
  • His daughter called her first limousine a “tuxedo”:
    “She saw her first limousine and she called it a tuxedo.”
    — Pete Holmes [02:54]
• Discussion of playground culture, nostalgia, and hazards that persist across generations.
  • Pete describes playground accidents:
    “If you're pushing a kid on a swing...some other random kid gets all turned around....will walk the one place it is not safe...directly in front of the swings. The pendulum of death.”
    — Pete Holmes [03:36]
• An epic story of push-swing multitasking, chaos, and “Ira the Menace.”
  • Pete juggles five kids on swings, “like a plate spinner on the Ed Sullivan Show.” [04:44]
  • Out of nowhere, Ira, a five-year-old with “a vacant look in his eyes,” punches Pete in the groin.
    • Quote:
      “I see this little boy, he's also five. We know this kid...He plants his feet in the dirt next to me. Doesn't say a word, just cocks back, punches me square in the balls. I didn't see it coming....He was in a stance. He kept his elbow up. Like, who taught Ira how to fight unprovoked?”
      — Pete Holmes [04:58]
  • Pete’s revenge (or lack thereof):
    • He stops pushing the other kids and only pushes his daughter: “No, Ira ruined it. That was my protest.” [05:49]
    • Later, Ira is unwittingly struck by Pete’s daughter on a swing—but Pete denies intent, likening the moment to Batman:
      “I was like, let's see what God wants to have happen…I was like, Batman, I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you....That's right, you friggin turd. That's what you get.”
      — Pete Holmes [06:22-07:07]

3. New Projects: Children’s Book & Comedy Special

• Stephen transitions into Pete’s latest creative pursuit: his first children’s book, Spells to Cast on Your Parents.
  • Pete wanted a book that encouraged silliness between parents and kids:
    “I love reading my daughter... books that encourage parents and kids to be silly together. So I wrote this book for my daughter.”
    — Pete Holmes [07:36]
• Brief discussion of fantasy influences, noting Pete’s love of The Lord of the Rings and playful elements in his book (a dragon named Jesse).
  • Pete satirizes how British accents are used for legitimacy in fantasy stories:
    “Whenever you watch Lord of the Rings...they always have a British accent. Like that’s how they let you know that there are dragons afoot....But it works, right?”
    — Pete Holmes [07:54]
  • Comedic impression of what fantasy would sound like with a Boston accent:
    “There's a wizard over there. There's a wizard stealing unicorns. He took two unicorns and a goblin. He's a unicorn smuggler. It wouldn't work.”
    — Pete Holmes [08:25]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Spousal Humor & Getting Older
  “I put my barefoot on her barefoot...in your 40s. That's some kinky stuff right there.”
  — Pete Holmes [01:37]

• Children Teach Us Humility
  “Oh, I'm dumb for sure. Yeah.”
  — Stephen Colbert [02:49]

• On Playground Justice
  “I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you.”
  — Pete Holmes (Batman voice) [06:46]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Aging & Foot Humor: 01:15 – 02:29
• Parenting, Daughters, ‘Tuxedo’ Limousine: 02:34 – 03:08
• Playground Antics & Ball-Punching Ira: 03:15 – 07:18
• Children’s Book & Fantasy Satire: 07:21 – 08:48
• Show Plugs: 08:54

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Tone and Style

Banter is quick, playful, and self-deprecating, with Pete’s storytelling at the center. Stephen plays the straight-man, setting up jokes and transitioning smoothly into new topics. Pete’s delivery is animated, often imitating voices, and turning real-life discomforts into laughter.

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Episode Wrap-Up

• Pete’s new stand-up special: Silly Silly Fun Boy (available now on 800 Pound Gorilla, coming to YouTube March 24th).
• Children’s book: Spells to Cast on Your Parents, inspired by making silly memories with his daughter and inviting families to do the same.
• Colbert encourages listeners to check out more content on The Late Show's YouTube channel.

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This episode delivers Pete Holmes at his spontaneous, relatable best, with plenty of parental mayhem, intergenerational comedy, and spirited takes on British fantasy conventions—warmly guided by Stephen Colbert’s signature wit.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Folks. My next guest is a comedian, you know, from Crashing How We Roll and his stand up specials. His new special is Silly Silly Fun Boy. Please welcome back to the Late Show, Pete Holmes. Hi.

[Pete Holmes]

Just taking ownership of the space.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, how old are you?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to be 47 this very month.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're going to be 47 this very month. I heard that you might be approaching your late 40s and I said, he's so young and youthful and sprightly. I was quite surprised.

[Pete Holmes]

Look who's talking.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, well, well, me.

[Pete Holmes]

You.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, if anybody is and they're worried about being 47, it's not that bad.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not that bad. Yes. It's the little things, right? Yeah, the little things that let you know you're getting older. I'll give you an example. I got in bed the other night with my wife, brag, I was barefoot and she was barefoot. So I put my barefoot on her. Barefoot, you know, keeping that passion alive. You laugh, but in your 40s. That's some kinky stuff right there. A foot, just contact.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just contact of any kind.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll put a foot on a foot.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not making this up. This is a quote. She goes, pete, are you wearing shoes? That's 47. That is the texture of my bare foot. She thought it was a gag. She's like, there's no way that's a foot. He's wearing Timberlands.

[Stephen Colbert]

You gotta moisturize.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta moisturize. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You gotta use that pumice stone down there to get off the edges. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll borrow one from my elderly mother.

[Stephen Colbert]

Last time you were here, we talked about your daughter.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

How old is she now?

[Pete Holmes]

She's seven.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Leela. Leila, get off Dada's YouTube.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm a parent. I love being a parent. You learn a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

You do.

[Stephen Colbert]

I learn some things instantly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I'm dumb for sure. Yeah. What have you learned from being a parent?

[Pete Holmes]

My daughter's brilliant. She saw her first limousine and she called it a tuxedo.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

Nailed it, right?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's fantastic, Leela.

[Pete Holmes]

Stephen Colbert thought that was fantastic. That's amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And I learned so much about playground culture now that I have a kid. Cause I can go

[Stephen Colbert]

again.

[Pete Holmes]

Again?

[Stephen Colbert]

You can now again go. There were years when you were not welcome.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I'm just saying, guys, you gotta have a plus one. Don't just

[Stephen Colbert]

show up.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't just post up at the playground. They'll put a tarp on you.

[Stephen Colbert]

So what have you learned about playground culture? Well, anybody that's different than our childhood playground?

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's exactly the same.

[Stephen Colbert]

In fact, you've forgotten it.

[Pete Holmes]

I forgot. I'll tell you. If you're pushing a kid on a swing, there's a phenomenon about once every 40 minutes or so. Some other kid, you'll all know this, some other random kid gets all turned around. They get lost in the lights. They burn out their retina like a chicken. They're turned around and they will wander and inevitably will walk the one place it is not safe to walk. At the playground, directly in front of the swings. The pendulum of death. And they get clobbered. Yes. They're always fine. It happened to us, I'm happy to say. It's still happening to them. They learned something about fulcrums. I don't know what they learned.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, they learned that life is unfair.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. And they're. And they're never hurt. They're made out of rubber. It's like America, ninja warrior. They're fine. Okay, so this comes into play in the story. I took my daughter to a playground for a birthday party. She was five at the time. Yes, there were five swings. My daughter sat in the middle swing. She was too young to pump, so I started pushing her. Before too long, two of her little friends came and sat to her. Right. I didn't have anything going on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Got all three of these kids multitasking. It was amazing. Before too long, two more kids. No, Stephen, like I said I was free.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I decided to go for my personal best. I got five. Five kids soaring high in the sky. It was the highlight of my life. It was like a plate spinner on the Ed Sullivan Show. It was amazing. You know the tune?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So, true story. In the distance, this is the kid's real name. I see this little boy, he's also five. We know this kid. He's a good kid, but he's kind of got a vacant look in his eyes. His name is Ira. Ira does a lazy banana around the swings. He plants his feet in the dirt next to me. Doesn't say a word, just cocks back, punches me square in the balls. I didn't see it coming. Why would I. Why would I be like, oh, here comes Ira. He's gonna punch me square in the balls? He did. He was good, too. He was in a stance. He kept his elbow up. Like, who taught Ira how to fight unprovoked? Because some people just want to watch the world burn.

[Stephen Colbert]

I listen. I thought Tuxedo was funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Until I heard one of them punched you in the balls.

[Pete Holmes]

One of them punched me. Well, it really, really hurt. And I can't get mad at Ira because he's a child.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not gonna get mad at him. So my only recourse was I stopped pushing the other kids. I only pushed my daughter. They start moving. They stopped moving. They said, push us, push us. I'm like, no, Ira ruined it. That was my protest. Sure. The other kids leave. Ira walks away satisfied, having done his evil deed for the day. I'm just pushing my daughter. I'm pushing her like 40 minutes. She loves the swings. This is completely real. I didn't come all this way to lie to you. Tonight. I'm pushing Lela in the corner of my eye. As luck would have it, Steven friggin Ira. I see him. He's all turned around. He doesn't know where he is. He's like Walter White in a fugue state. He doesn't know. He starts walking his way towards. I'm like, is this. Is this about to happen? Listen to me. I stayed in rhythm. Do you understand? I didn't slow down. I just. Anybody that saw me would be like that. Dad is clean. Stayed at the exact same pace. I was like, let's see what God wants to have happen. I was like, Batman, I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you. It was like that, Stephen. It timed out perfectly. My daughter collided with Ira. He Fell to the ground. Best acting I've ever done in my life. I was like, ira. No, anybody but Ira. But in my mind I was like, that's right, you friggin turd. That's what you get. I wanted to crouch over him like Halo, you friggin noob.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, you clearly have a way with children.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Which is why you have written your first children's book. It's called Spells to cast on your parents.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why did you want to write for the youth, Peter?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Why did you want to write for the youth?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I love reading my daughter. And I love books that encourage parents and kids to be silly together. So I wrote this book for my daughter. Made us laugh. I was like, let's give it a shot. But I think you'll like it. You're a Lord of the Rings guy. There's a dragon in it.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, there's a dragon on the COVID Yeah, yeah. Are there dragons in the story?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a small dragon named Jesse who guards the book.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you enjoy the fantasy?

[Pete Holmes]

I do. Oh, yeah. You know what I love about it? What? Whenever you watch Lord of the Rings, the movies, or like the Witcher, any of these things, have you noticed they always have a British accent? Yeah. Like that's how they let you know that there are dragons afoot. Yeah, but why? That's a real. That's a today accent. There are millions of people that use that accent today. That's not a magical. There's nothing wizardly about that. But it works, right? They're like, gandalf, we have to go to the apothecary. And we're like, oh, I'm sorry, what

[Stephen Colbert]

did you say to Gandalf?

[Pete Holmes]

We need to go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Gandalf, we have to go to the apothecary.

[Pete Holmes]

To the apothecary. Okay. And we're like, are these real hobbits? Like, we buy it. Yeah, but like, I'm from Boston. It wouldn't work. Wouldn't work with you. Couldn't have a guy get off a horse. Like, there's a wizard over there. There's a wizard stealing unicorns. He took two unicorns and a goblin. He's a unicorn smuggler. It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work.

[Stephen Colbert]

But it works in here.

[Pete Holmes]

Great to see you. Thank you for having me.

[Stephen Colbert]

Silly, Silly Fun Boy is available now on the streaming service 800 pound gorilla and will be on YouTube March 24th. Plus the book. Pete Holmes, everybody. Thank you for listening to the late show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

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[Pete Holmes]

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