Transcript
Stephen Colbert (0:00)
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Selena Gomez (0:51)
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Stephen Colbert (0:55)
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Selena Gomez (1:03)
Welcome.
Stephen Colbert (1:04)
Thank you very much. Please have a seat, everybody. Down here, up there, out there. Welcome one and all to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, I know a lot of folks are feeling down right now. Things aren't working out the way some people wanted. But you buck up, Blitzen, because Santa Claus is coming to town. Christmas is here, and there's no reason not to enjoy the season. The White House is already all in. Yesterday we got our first peek at the Biden's holiday decorations. It's beautiful. So festive. The official theme is the season of peace and light, which is much more hopeful than all the other Democrats. Christmas drink three old fashions and openly weep in front of Charlie Brown. As is the tradition, each room in the White House has a unique design. The China Room features an ode to carbohydrates with artisanal loaves and wreaths made out of braided bread. Sending the time honored message, screw the gluten free Joe's. I'm sure Joe. Joe's not there now. Actually, Joe is in Africa, hiding from the fallout over his decision to give a blanket pardon to his son Hunter. I'm guessing his family's not thrilled with it either. It's gonna be hard for Jill to match that Christmas gift. Oh. Oh, what's this? Oh, memory foam slippers. Thank you. Thanks, Mom. By any chance, do these give me a decade of immunity from federal prosecution. No. Okay. Is there a gift receipt? Now, some of Joe's fellow Democrats are also a little upset. Colorado Senator Michael Bennett tweeted President Biden's decision to put personal interests ahead of duty and further erodes Americans faith that the justice system is fair and equal for all. Okay, not sure how much interest Americans have in the idea of justice right now. After all, we had an election and we did just reelect a guy whose slogan was like my crime, Then hit me, baby, one more time now. Coming close, coming close. I can't do it yet. I can't bring myself to do it. Democratic Gov. Jared Polis said that President Biden has a bigger family to think about. Because when you become president, your role is pater familias of the nation. Yes, the president is the nation's dad. We all remember FDR's immortal words. December 7, 1941, a date which you promised to shovel the walk. Do it quick, and I won't tell your mother, who's also my cousin. Weird time to tell you, but there you go. It was a weird time for him to bring that up. Just in time. Just in time for Christmas. There is happy news from Paris, the San Francisco of France. It has been five years, five years since a fire devastated the Cathedral of Notre Dame. Well, this weekend, after extensive repairs, the cathedral is finally reopening to the public. The French are so happy. They celebrated the only way they know a three way. The opening ceremonies. Some French people are here this evening. The opening ceremonies are this Sunday. And the restored cathedral will be honored with massive pyrotechnics, a fire eater, and an exhibit of Europe's most oily rags. The restoration. Restoration cost almost 1 billion euros. And it really, it is incredible. Here's Notre Dame before. And here it is now. Ooh la la. She has really been gussied up. And it's not just the building. The restoration team also gave the hunchback a glow up. That was. That was the one. That was the one, by the way. In other. In other international news, Trump may not be president yet, but he's already threatening our biggest trading partners, which has a lot of people asking, what are tariffs? Well, that's easy. Tariffs are those cards that tell you the future. And your one friend is always like, let me do your tariff reading. And you say, yeah, because Mallory needs this. She just got dumped. But honestly, kind of weird how she didn't see it coming in the tariff cards. And I'm being told, no, Steven, that is, that is not what happens. Tariffs are actually a tax on imported goods, which significantly increases consumer prices on nearly everything that isn't US Made. And we make tons of stuff in the usa. Did you know that we are the world's largest producer of real housewives? Show me some made in the usa Housewives. Jimmy, Don, here. Go ahead. Go ahead, Heather, take it. Nice. God bless America. Trump trade threats are starting kind of close to home. Last week, he threatened 25% tariffs on products from Canada and Mexico. Just one small problem. Mexico supplies around half of America's imported fruit and two thirds of imported vegetables like berries, bell peppers, and cucumbers. And without any of those, how will Americans get their recommended daily amount of things that go bad in the fridge? What's without cucumbers? What's going to turn into liquids in the crisper drawer? Plus, 90% of all avocados eaten in the US come from Mexico. Do not worry. I have a solution. Okay? I bought 10,000 avocados today and I am storing them in my banana bunker, which is a bunker made of bananas. But it's also important things. For instance, most of the imported beer that Americans drink is brewed in Mexico. And Mexico manufactures 88% of the pickup trucks sold in America. No beer or pickup trucks. Trump better not put a tariff on a pair of blue jeans that fit just right or we're going to run out of country songs. We also, we also import nearly $2.7 billion worth of goods and services from Canada every day, including about 60% of U.S. crude oil, cars, turbines, plastics, pharmaceuticals, wood, paper, and 90% of our hot Ryans. As bad. We cannot allow there to be a hot Ryan gap. As bad as these tariffs would be for American consumers, they'd be worse for Canada. That's why over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau flew to Mar a Lago unannounced. He was there to kiss the ring. Or as they say in Canada, took the poutine. Trump. Trump told Trudeau that he's going to impose tariffs unless Canada does something something border. But Trudeau told Trump he can't levy the tariff because it would kill the Canadian economy completely. So Trump responded, maybe Canada should become the 51st state. Oof. Maybe next time, Puerto Rico. So close. So close. What else? One thing that Donald Trump has in common with his cabinet picks is peddling products out on the Internet. Take health and human services nominee and man jerky hybrid, RFK Jr. This week. This week, RFK made a guest appearance in a video where his wife, the talented actress Cheryl Hines was hawking products from her personal lifestyle brand. See if you can spot him.