Stephen Presents: Band Ads

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Stephen Presents: Band Ads
Date: August 21, 2025

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Overview

This episode of The Late Show Pod Show takes a playful detour as Stephen Colbert showcases the comedic talents of the Late Show Band with a sketch segment called "Band Ads." The band members present their own over-the-top parody commercials, riffing on the lucrative trend of musicians appearing in advertisements. Between the bits, Stephen and team banter about summer favorites and reflect on backstage camaraderie, serving up the irreverent humor fans expect.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Pistachio Banter & Snack Talk (00:00–03:10)

• Stephen Colbert reminisces about his previous stint as the Wonderful Pistachios spokesperson, launching into a mock ad filled with nutty wordplay.
  • "I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back." (00:09, Colbert)
• Co-host Becca joins in, debating the merits of "in shell" versus "no shell" pistachios and discussing inventive flavors like "sea salt and vinegar" and "jalapeno lime."
  • "It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut." (01:46, Colbert)
  • "Buying a car in Carvana was so easy..." [Segment shifts into an unrelated ad read, then back to the show]

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Summer Bickering, Ice Cream & Gelato (04:03–07:02)

• Conversation shifts to summer activities and treats.
  • Stephen humorously laments his attempt to tan:
    "Cause I'm Irish and I think I can tan. But I really can't." (04:10, Colbert)
  • They exchange opinions on best ice cream and gelato flavors. Pistachio is hailed as king by both—alongside hazelnut and salted caramel.
    • "There's pistachio, which is the original... just absolutely the best." (05:02, Colbert)
  • Becca describes an adventurous homemade cornbread ice cream with plum sherbet (06:00) and Stephen recalls making strawberry ice cream with authentic farm strawberries.
    • "Strawberries that taste like strawberries." (06:41, Colbert)
    • "Most of the time strawberries don't taste like anything. They're just like a color experience..." (06:51, Colbert)

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Behind the Scenes: Band & Staff Typecasting (07:02–09:24)

• Becca teases the upcoming “Band Ads” segment, while Stephen and Becca banter about the Late Show staff's recurring roles and quirks.
  • They spotlight Corey Bernhard and his “dark lord Moloch” monologue cameo, joke about “typecasting” staff for in-show comedy bits, and reminisce about past staffers like “Gabe the Brooklyn hipster” (08:34) and “Jay the intern” (09:02).
    • "At some point we discovered this guy is a freak, and we love it. And we need more." (07:48, Becca)
    • "He still looks like he's working on the show for college credit." (09:07, Colbert)

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Main Segment: Band Ads

Introduction to Band Ads (09:24–09:41)

• Stephen sets up the comedic premise: Band members have created their own spoof commercials, emulating the growing trend of musicians in mainstream advertisements.
  • "One of the biggest trends in music is A-list artists appearing in commercials... we have a group of talented musicians right over there. Louis Cato and the Late Show Band. Have you guys ever got approached to do commercials?" (09:41, Colbert)

Louis Cato: The Concert Phone (09:41–11:30)

• Louis Cato debuts a fake ad for “Louis Cato’s Concert Phone”—a phone designed solely for filming concerts (instead of enjoying them), with intentionally silly features.
  • "Just take it to the show, hit record, and watch the whole thing on the tiny screen." (10:28, Cato)
  • "Concert phone also takes perfect photos because it’s equipped with an ultra bright LED flash. And if the band isn’t playing your favorite song, just play it yourself on the loudest phone speaker ever." (10:38, Cato)
  • “When the concert’s over, just dump it in the trash. Let’s face it, you’re never gonna watch it anyway.” (11:18, Cato)
  • Colbert, dry: "Great song, Great phone." (11:05, Colbert)

John Lampley: Imitation Imitation Crab Meat (11:36–12:55)

• John Lampley follows with a mock ad for his “imitation imitation crab meat”—parodying processed food ads with surreal logic:
  • “Nothing beats the flaky texture and jumbo l of imitation crab. Not even real crab. Unfortunately, demand for imitation crab has been way up high, while supply has been down low. Too slow. That’s why I created my very own imitation imitation crab meat. It’s the only imitation crab made from 100% real crab meat that’s been sprayed with chemicals to taste more fake.” (11:57, Lampley)
  • “So when you want that genuine imitation crab meat flavor made from real crab that tastes fake, reach for John Lampley’s imitation imitation crab meat. Surprise. You’ve got crabs." (12:34, Lampley)
  • Colbert: "I see why we're losing $40 million a year now." (12:55, Colbert)

Cory Bernhard: Student Council President (13:01–14:04)

• Cory Bernhard throws in his "advertisement," which is actually a campaign ad for middle school student council president—despite being a grown man.
  • "Hi, I’m Corey Bernhard, and I’m proud to announce that I’m running for student council president at Orchard Hill Middle School. And yes, it’s been over two decades since I was in middle school, but that’s why I had to run." (13:17, Bernhard)
  • "As a grown man, I have a record of fiscal responsibility. I just signed a four year lease on a Kia Sorento and I only buy a normal amount of lottery tickets." (13:29, Bernhard)
  • Jabs at rivals: "As for the incumbent, Helena Stanford, more like smelling a stank fart. So this year, grow up and choose a grown up." (13:49, Bernhard)
  • Final punch: “I'm a real big boy and I know how to do stuff.” (14:04, Bernhard)
  • Colbert: "Vote Cory Bernhard for student council president." (14:01, Colbert)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios." (01:53, Colbert)
• "There's pistachio, which is the original... absolutely the best." (05:02, Colbert)
• "At some point we discovered this guy is a freak, and we love it. And we need more." (07:48, Becca about Corey)
• "I see why we're losing $40 million a year now." (12:55, Colbert after John's commercial)
• “As for the incumbent, Helena Stanford, more like smelling a stank fart.” (13:49, Bernhard)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Wonderful Pistachios Banter: 00:00–03:10
• Summer & Ice Cream Chat: 04:03–07:02
• Backstage Typecasting Staff: 07:02–09:24
• Band Ads Segment: 09:41–14:04
  • Louis Cato's Concert Phone: 09:41–11:30
  • John Lampley's Imitation Imitation Crab Meat: 11:36–12:55
  • Cory Bernhard's Student Council Ad: 13:01–14:04

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Conclusion

With witty asides, nutty wordplay, and hilarious off-kilter commercials, this episode delivers the offbeat energy and ensemble chemistry that defines The Late Show Pod Show. Whether riffing on pistachio flavors or launching fake political campaigns, Colbert and company make sure the listener is always in on the joke.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, everybody. Stephen Colbert here about to read the copy for our sponsor. This is from our friends at Wonderful Pistachios. And I was the wonderful pistachio spokesman for years. Yeah, I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back. And that's exactly the approach with Wonderful Pistachios. The don't hold back snack. These little wonders are so tasty, it feels like getting away with something. But surprise. Each serving has 6 grams of protein and 0 grams of regret. That's right. No guilt. Just glory, glory in our nuts. Whether it's a satisfying crack of in shell pistachios, and that's capitalized in shell, or the smooth, instant gratification of no shells. No judgment. That's just it. Just eat. No judgment. I take issue with one thing. It's instant gratification. It's super tasty smooth.

[B]

It's a hard nut smooth.

[A]

Exactly. I mean, even out of the shell, it's still a nut.

[B]

We can't disparage the nuts. You.

[A]

I'm not disparaging the nut. I'm describing the nut.

[B]

Don't disparage any flavors.

[A]

I'm not. I am celebrating the pistachio right now. I'm on board. I love pistachios.

[B]

I love.

[A]

I love crushed pistachio. Like a pistachio crusted trout. Oh, unbelievable. Instead of a trout amandine, a trout pistachio. Fantastic. Enough butter? Who cares?

[B]

Very good.

[A]

And I love pistachio ice cream.

[B]

Have you had the sea salt and vinegar? Wonderful pistachio. It's delicious. I get them.

[A]

I didn't even know I get them.

[B]

Before the softball games.

[A]

But that's. You see, it's been a while since I've been the spokesman for wonderful pistachios. I didn't realize we'd achieved new pistachio technology.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered. Right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session. It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut. Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike. And Then it's important that you do. Because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause. Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.

[B]

That was a wonderful.

[A]

I wonder what more there is to learn. We just told them so much. We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently, there's a whole other world. There's an unexplored vista.

[B]

They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors.

[A]

Wow. And I would not disparage any of them.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Bring it on.

[B]

Nothing bad to say.

[A]

Nut me.

[B]

Nut.

[A]

Nut me with nut meat.

[B]

We're nut.

[A]

No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty. Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty. Good.

[B]

Buying a car in Carvana was so easy, I was able to finance it through them. I just. Whoa, wait. You mean finance? Yeah, finance. Got pre qualified for a Carvana auto loan, entered my terms and shot from thousands of great car options, all within my budget. That's cool. But financing through Carvana was so easy. Financed. Done. And I get to pick up my car from their Carvana vending machine tomorrow. Financed. Right. That's what they said. You can spend time trying to pronounce financing, or you can actually finance and buy your car. Today on Carvana financing, subject to credit approval. Additional terms and conditions may apply. All right, folks, you're listening to Late Show. Pod Show. You already know what's happening. It's Stephen Colbert. He's here. Hi, Stephen.

[A]

I'm doing well. Hi, Becca. Good to see you.

[B]

How's your summer going so far, Steven?

[A]

It's going really well, I imagine. Like, while people are listening to this, I'm probably recovering from a sunburn. Cause I'm Irish and I think I can tan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I really can't.

[B]

Does it eventually turn into a tan?

[A]

The freckles join up?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Connect the dots there.

[A]

They join up at a certain point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you tan?

[B]

I used to tan really well. And then the older I get, the more sunburns are happening.

[A]

Are you like 27?

[B]

Yeah, I'm 29, but it's.

[A]

Oh, my God, 29.

[B]

Okay. Here's a question about your summer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What is the best ice cream flavor you've had so far this summer?

[A]

Oh, wow. Memorial Day weekend. And that. I was In. I was in Italy.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And so I was hitting the gelato hard.

[B]

Gelato is the best.

[A]

You can't. I mean, to me, there's. There's three kings of gelato flavors.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's pistachio, which is the original.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And just absolutely the best.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'm going like hazelnut.

[B]

Mm. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Hazelnut.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not a Nutella. A hazelnut.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the last one would be like a salted caramel. Those are my three.

[B]

And I was just about to say there's a really great gelato situation at Le Industrie. It's a pizza place.

[A]

Le Industrie.

[B]

Le Industrie. Delicious. Wood fired pizza is really good. But they have soft serve pistachio gelato.

[A]

Get out that.

[B]

They put a little bit of olive oil and, like flaky sea salt on top of.

[A]

Girl.

[B]

Done. Delicious. So that's really good.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Okay, now I'm gonna brag. My best friend is in an ice cream moment. She's making ice cream at home. And this is what she made. This was the best ice cream I've ever had. That happened to me this summer. It was a combination of cornbread ice cream, which is. You make like a gelato. You soak some sweet corn in the cream.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then little bits of cornbread in there for some texture. 100% with a plum sherbet, which was so good.

[A]

Damn, girl.

[B]

So good.

[A]

What is this professional or is this just for friends and family?

[B]

This is like a Cuisinart little hobby she's doing. She's an architect. She doesn't. She's not like a cook, but.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Does she do that? Does she do the stand mixer? A frozen bucket? Like the kitchenaid?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's amazing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have. I think it's probably. They were all eaten by some damn member of my family. Probably ate it. But I made. We got really good strawberries this spring. We got, like real farm strawberries. Strawberries that taste like strawberries.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I macerated those to get super intense strawberry flavor and then made strawberry ice cream with that. Because most of the time. Most of the time strawberries don't taste like anything.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

They're just like a color experience, like.

[B]

A grocery store strawberry.

[A]

Your brain is doing a lot of the work. Go. Like, I know what this should taste like when you have a real strawberry.

[B]

Farmer's market strawberry. Game changer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So good. Yeah. Well, we have some fun stuff on the podcast tonight. This is gonna be band ads with our Very own Late Show Band.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

We got Louis Cato. You know him, you love him. We got John Lampley.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Horn, you know, hornmaster.

[A]

And we have Cory Bernhardt, menacing piano player.

[B]

And I want to talk about Corey for a second. Sure. He was on the monologue last night. He was in the monologue last night.

[A]

Exactly. He was asking because there's been a new executive order saying that it's okay to proselytize or to discuss your religion at work as the best and the right religion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so he approached me in the middle of my monologue to see whether I wanted to hear the good news about his dark lord, Moloch.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I said I didn't necessarily want to learn about that.

[B]

One of my favorite things about the show and the show staff and is there are few people who get casted, you know, who get typecast. But at some point we discovered this guy is a freak, and we love it. And we need more.

[A]

100%. 100% Corey's Cornhouse Dolls. And they're not for sale. They're just for him.

[B]

And a star was born.

[A]

Yeah. And you can subscribe to his website so you can look at them. Yeah, that's it.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. And we had people who, like, graphics department would only reach out to them for, like, hey, we need, like, a stoner. We need a stoner for a mockup. And it'd be like, the same two guys, and they'd have, like, a file of them. You know what I mean?

[A]

Stoney McDankington.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Stoney McDankington. Yeah,.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But we love the typecast staff, you know?

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

But Corey's great.

[A]

The first typecast person we ever had on the staff is Gabe Gronley.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Because back on the old show. Because Gabe's original to that old show. Gabe was Brooklyn hipster.

[B]

Yep. And that checks out.

[A]

It was Brooklyn hipster. He's very good. He's very thin. You know, his pants were a little short.

[B]

That's really funny.

[A]

You know, he wore a crew neck tee.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And was able to stand with his body sort of in a question mark shape.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like slump to the degree. Definitely.

[B]

Yeah. And we have Jay the intern.

[A]

Oh, Jay the intern. Jay Katzir is one of my head writers now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who still looks like Jay the intern.

[B]

He still does. Yeah.

[A]

He still looks like he's working on the show for college credit.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But he's got teenage boys now or something like that.

[B]

He stays forever young. But he seems like he's about to go to Summer camp. And it's wonderful. Yeah, great. Maybe as a counselor, you know, but. Yeah, that's mentor. Yeah. Well, this is band ads featuring the Late Show Band. Please enjoy.

[A]

Engage. Welcome back, everybody. Give it up for Louis Cad on the Late Show. Man, it's the greatest man on TV right there.

[C]

Folks.

[A]

I love music. And right now, one of the biggest trends in music is a list artists appearing in commercials. I'm talking ads for Levi starring Beyonce. Gatorade with Kendrick Lamar, and nerds. Gummy Clusters featuring Shaboozi. A sentence that is either an ad, a song title, or a sign that I'm having a stroke. And it got me thinking. We have, you know, a group of talented musicians right over there. Louis Cato and the Late Show Band. And Louis, here's the thing. You guys gotta be in demand. I'm just wondering, have you guys. Do you guys ever get approached to do commercials?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

In fact, I just shot one.

[A]

What's it for?

[D]

Well, Stephen, I could tell you, or I could just show you.

[A]

Well, I've said it many times. We cannot play your commercials in the middle of the show because.

[D]

Roll it, Jim. Whether I'm on stage or in the crowd, I love being at a concert. And we all know the best part of experiencing live music. Filming the whole thing on your phone. Well, now there's a phone designed specifically for use at concerts and nowhere else. Introducing Louis Kato's concert phone. Just take it to the show, hit record, and watch the whole thing on the tiny screen. Concert phone also takes perfect photos because it's equipped with an ultra bright LED flash. And if the band isn't playing your favorite song, just play it yourself on the loudest phone speaker ever.

[A]

Great song, Great phone.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

And when the concert's over, just dump it in the trash. Let's face it, you're never gonna watch it anyway. Louis Cato's concert phone. Don't let live music interrupt your phone time.

[A]

Pretty great, right? I'm happy you feel that way. Anyway, as I was saying.

[E]

Hey, Stephen.

[D]

Yeah?

[A]

John Lampley. What is it?

[E]

I mean, I made a commercial, too. Can we play mine now?

[A]

I'm sorry, but our sponsors pay money for ad time, so we can't just show commercials for free.

[E]

Okay, but the show's canceled, right?

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Roll it, Jim. Hi, I'm John Lampley, and if you're like me, then you play trumpet in the Late Show Band. But if you're really like me, then you can't get enough of the delicious taste of imitation crab meat. Let's Face it, nothing beats the flaky texture and jumbo l of imitation crab. Not even real crab. Unfortunately, demand for imitation crab has been way up high, while supply has been down low. Too slow. That's why I created my very own imitation imitation crab meat. It's the only imitation crab made from 100% real crab meat that's been sprayed with chemicals to taste more fake. Now it's so delicious, you'll never know it's real.

[A]

Mmm. What is that?

[E]

So when you want that genuine imitation crab meat flavor made from real crab that tastes fake, reach for John Lampley's imitation imitation crab meat. Surprise. You've got crabs. So, what'd you think?

[A]

I see why we're losing $40 million a year now.

[E]

Thanks, man.

[A]

Huh? Hey, by the way, thanks.

[C]

Hey, Stephen.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, Cory, what is it?

[C]

I have a commercial too, but it's not.

[A]

No, no, no. You cannot. You cannot have a commercial out here. You cannot try to show another commercial for another product.

[C]

Well, my commercial's not really for a product. It's for me.

[B]

Roll it.

[C]

Hi, I'm Corey Bernhard, and I'm proud to announce that I'm running for student council president at Orchard Hill Middle School. And yes, it's been over two decades since I was in middle school, but that's why I had to run. Compared to me, these other candidates are children. As a grown man, I have a record of fiscal responsibility. I just signed a four year lease on a Kia Sorento and I only buy a normal amount of lottery tickets. Meanwhile, Connor Osbrook Hayes gets all his food bought by his parents and up till a few years ago, still pulled his pants all the way down to go pee. And as for the incumbent, Helena Stanford, more like smelling a stank fart. So this year, grow up and choose a grown up.

[A]

Vote Cory Bernhard for student council president.

[C]

I'm a real big boy and I know how to do stuff. So, Stephen, can I count on your vote?

[A]

We'll be right back with Liam Neeson, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. This episode is brought to you by FX's alien Earth, the official podcast. Each week, host Adam Rogers is joined by guests, including the show's creator, cast and crew. In this exclusive companion podcast, they will explore story elements, deep dive into character motivations, and offer an episode by episode behind the scenes breakdown of each terrifying chapter in this new series. Search FX's Alien Earth wherever you listen to podcasts. September 4th on Paramount plus someone is trying to frame us until our names are cleared.

[B]

More fugitives from Interval like Bonnie and.

[A]

Clyde with better snacks. NCIS Tony and Zivas streaming September 4th on Paramount Plus.