Stephen Presents: First Drafts With Evie (Extended)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Stephen Presents: First Drafts With Evie (Extended)"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
• Host/Author: CBS
• Episode: Stephen Presents: First Drafts With Evie (Extended)
• Release Date: November 29, 2024
• Description: The #1 late-night show delivered straight to your ears, featuring sharp writing, hilarious monologues, and insightful conversations with celebrity guests.

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1. Thanksgiving Traditions and Family Gatherings

The episode kicks off with Becca, a producer on the show, welcoming listeners and introducing Evie Colbert, Stephen’s wife, who is also a producer and writer for the show.

• Evie Colbert (01:10): “We usually have another family over. Our next door neighbors come over and we usually have like, you know, 25 people.”

Evie shares insights into her family's Thanksgiving traditions, emphasizing large gatherings, touch football games, and cozy moments around a fire pit. She reminisces about past traditions, such as touch football and enjoying hot cocoa, highlighting the warmth and camaraderie of family festivities.

• Evie Colbert (02:19): “But the real thing that we do is we do predictions every year...”

Evie explains a unique family tradition of making personal, political, and random news predictions each year. This game fosters engagement and friendly competition among family members, with a notable instance from 2015 where a Russian exchange student accurately predicted Donald Trump's election—a prediction that surprised and impressed everyone present.

2. Introduction to "First Drafts" Segment

Becca transitions the conversation to the main feature of the episode, introducing the "First Drafts" segment which focuses on humorous takes on Thanksgiving greeting cards.

• Becca (05:34): “Today on the podcast, we have Thanksgiving first drafts with Evie.”

Evie and Becca discuss the common stress of creating Thanksgiving greeting cards, setting the stage for the segment where Stephen Colbert showcases first draft versions of Thanksgiving cards that didn’t make the final cut.

3. Stephen Colbert's "First Drafts" Segment

Stephen Colbert takes the spotlight to present the "First Drafts" of Thanksgiving cards. He humorously contrasts polished, market-ready cards with the often awkward or inappropriate first attempts.

• Stephen Colbert (15:02): “What we have here is a series of Thanksgiving cards...”

Stephen introduces the premise: pairing standard Thanksgiving cards with their less-than-perfect first drafts.

Notable Highlights:

• Card 1: "Happy Thanksgiving. Eat, drink, and be thankful."

  • First Draft (15:53): “Happy Thanksgiving. Eat, drink, then come to the garage. Cousin Dale brought weed. What kind of message is that sending?”
  • Stephen Colbert (15:49): “...what are you talking about?”

• Card 2: "Taking this Thanksgiving to say I'm thankful for you."

  • First Draft (17:43): “Taking this Thanksgiving to say why did you kill me? I had a family. My name was Alan.”
  • Stephen Colbert (17:56): “Because on this one, you might notice on the front, it's the turkey that's saying it.”

• Card 3: "You’re my sweetie pie. I love you, pumpkin."

  • First Draft (20:18): “You’re my sweetie pie. Can we open things up to a third piece? That's terrible. That is awful.”

Throughout the segment, Stephen engages with an audience member who provides the first draft cards. Their playful banter underscores the humor in the flawed messages, highlighting the contrast between heartfelt sentiments and comedic missteps.

• Stephen Colbert (19:18): “Happy Thanksgiving, mom and dad. I'm so thankful for you.”
  • First Draft (19:25): “Happy Thanksgiving, mom and dad. I'm so thankful for your washer dryer. Don't forget to separate by color. I'm going to go sleep for 12 straight hours. Thanks.”

Stephen also introduces future interactive elements, such as answering fan mail, encouraging listeners to engage by submitting their own Thanksgiving-related questions and comments.

4. Personal Anecdotes and Future Plans

Evie and Becca discuss potential future segments and activities, reflecting on past experiences and brainstorming new ideas to enhance the show's interactive and familial atmosphere.

• Evie Colbert (08:05): “We’re thinking of maybe switching it up... viewer mail or something like that.”

They explore ideas like hosting themed food bars (e.g., sausage bar, waffle bar) and engaging the audience in more interactive ways, ensuring the show remains fresh and engaging for both participants and listeners.

5. Closing Remarks and Promotional Content

As the episode wraps up, Stephen and Evie share heartfelt thanks to the audience, emphasizing gratitude—a central theme of Thanksgiving. They also promote upcoming segments and encourage listeners to engage with the show through various platforms.

• Stephen Colbert (23:37): “Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert.”

The episode concludes with advertisements and promotions for Paramount+, United Airlines, and other sponsors, seamlessly integrating promotional content without detracting from the main content.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Evie Colbert (03:06): “We have a fire pit. We still do this. We get together earlier in the day...”

• Stephen Colbert (05:34): “Today on the podcast, we have Thanksgiving first drafts with Evie.”

• Evie Colbert (10:31): “I'm on a bread pudding kick right now too.”

• Stephen Colbert (15:02): “What we have here is a series of Thanksgiving cards...”

• Evie Colbert (08:05): “We’re thinking of maybe switching it up...”

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Conclusion

This extended episode of "The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert" offers a delightful blend of personal anecdotes, family traditions, and comedic relief centered around Thanksgiving. The "First Drafts" segment provides humorous insights into the pitfalls of creating the perfect holiday greeting, while the interactions between Stephen, Evie, and the audience member add warmth and relatability. Listeners are left with a sense of gratitude and anticipation for future episodes, enriched by the genuine connections and laughter shared throughout the show.

Transcript

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[Becca]

Hey, everybody. You're listening to the Late Show Pod Show. I'm Becca. I'm a producer here at the Pod show and I'm here with the host of the late show, Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stephen Colbert.

[Evie Colbert]

Hello. Hello, Becca. Happy to be here.

[Becca]

Happy Thanksgiving.

[Evie Colbert]

Also a producer. I'm also a producer on the show.

[Becca]

Yes, yes.

[Evie Colbert]

And a writer.

[Becca]

And a writer. Yes, yes. Lots of jobs here.

[Evie Colbert]

I'm not bragging. I'm just saying if you're going to say what your title is, I want to be able to.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Put everything out there.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Put everything out there.

[Becca]

Jack of all trades over here.

[Evie Colbert]

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

[Becca]

Happy Thanksgiving. What are the plans this year?

[Evie Colbert]

We usually have another family over. Our next door neighbors come over and we usually have like, you know, 25 people.

[Becca]

Whoa.

[Evie Colbert]

Something like that. We were getting a little long in the tooth to have the touch football game in the morning, but we used to, it used to be, you know, when our kids were younger, it would be touch football in the morning with big old, like those Dunkin boxes of like hot, cool coffee and hot cocoa.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

We have a fire pit. We still do this. We get together earlier in the day. The families, like a bunch of, like, families around town get together out in the suburbs. We have a big old fire pit going. We have coffee and cocoa.

[Becca]

Nice.

[Evie Colbert]

We stand around, we talk about our day. We just hug. We take Thanksgiving photos. And then all the families go their own separate ways to have their own Thanksgiving. But our next door neighbors stay with us and they usually bring in now they're bringing in, like, the son in laws and the grandchildren, and we're not jealous at all.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Son in laws and the grandchildren, and both families make two of everything. So it ends up being like a turkey competition and a stuffing competition. And I'm not gonna say who wins because there are no winners or we're all winners, rather that way everybody wins because we're there to be with each other and love each other. But. But the real thing that we do is we do predictions every year. Oh, is that every year. And we've been doing it for 15 years now, but every year we write out a personal prediction, like something personally within the group of people that are gathered. A political prediction, and then a random news prediction of any kind.

[Becca]

Oh, fun.

[Evie Colbert]

Just anything that you think is gonna happen or not happen over the next year.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

And then I read those to everybody. And then we have a name on it, but you don't read out who said what.

[Becca]

Okay, cool.

[Evie Colbert]

And then we put them in a plastic bag, we put them in the drawer that's in the dining room, and then we take it out of the dining room door before dessert. And I read them out and who won. And there's a winner every year of who got the most. And if it's. If two people got three or whatever. Whoever gets the most predictions. Right. And if two people got three, then we have a judgment of, like, which ones were truly accurate or the boldest predictions.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Possible. Funny thing. In Thanksgiving of 2015, we had a huge group of people. John Batiste used to always come out too.

[Becca]

Oh, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

And a huge group of people. And one of the kids, one of our neighbor's kids was still at university, and they brought a friend in who was a foreign exchange student. It was a Russian girl who came and we were all, you know, we all do our political predictions. And she said, trump will be elected. And we all went, what are you talking about? Because this is in 2015.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Like, what are you talking about? And she said, you don't understand. I've seen this before. She goes, I understand what he's doing. I understand what the message is. I understand what the appeal is. There's a playbook for this. He's doing it very well. I think you're ignoring his appeal because I'm from an authoritarian regime and I know how this works. And he will win. And the next year, she was not there.

[Becca]

Whoa.

[Evie Colbert]

But she won.

[Becca]

She won. I bet she won. Yeah, she won. Wow. Okay. Do you read the winner before you do the next. The following year.

[Evie Colbert]

You read the winner before dessert, and then during dessert, people write their predictions for the next year. And then at the end of dessert, I read the predictions for the next year, and they go in the bag and they go back in the drawer.

[Becca]

Oh, what a great game.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

I didn't hear any of them last year or make one last year because I had a burst appendix last year. So I'm very excited.

[Becca]

Okay, great. I gotta play that with. I'm gonna play with my.

[Evie Colbert]

It's fun game. It's a fun game.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

And it's also a way to kind of guarantee, like, well, you gotta come back for Thanksgiving next year. You gotta hear the predictions.

[Becca]

You're invested. Yeah, that's great. Well, today on the podcast, we have Thanksgiving first drafts with Evie. Oh, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Have we done that yet?

[Becca]

We're doing it tomorrow. But you know what? Who doesn't love getting a greeting card for Thanksgiving? You know, it's so common.

[Evie Colbert]

Everybody. We all remember the stress every year to come up with your Thanksgiving greeting card.

[Becca]

I postmarked all mine today, sent them to the post office. Everyone's getting theirs.

[Evie Colbert]

Some people do do Thanksgiving. And I didn't realize. I just said do do.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

But some people do Thanksgiving cards.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Cause it's basically just like a holiday card. Some people do New Year's Eve cards. But I think. Let's keep in mind, when Evie's on the show, what's fun is that we're on the show together.

[Becca]

Absolutely.

[Evie Colbert]

The jokes are kind of just tent posts to allow us to talk to each other between. Which is kind of the most joyful thing I ever do on the show, is to have her on and have. It's so important to me that she have a good time.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

You know, so we're thinking of maybe switching it up. Like, maybe we won't do many of these anymore. Oh, that. Maybe we'll just. We'll cut it down to, like. Maybe we'll do Christmas and, like, Mother's Day. Like, we'll do maybe. Maybe that's it. Or Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. Yeah, you know, the two. And leave the rest. And then maybe we'll do, like, viewer mail or something like that.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Have her come on and. Would that be fun? Have her come on and, like.

[Becca]

Cause this is. This started over Covid when you guys. When she was the only audience member around. But for first drafts, you used to just have a random person in the audience come up to the desk.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah, originally. Yeah.

[Becca]

And then so much more fun.

[Evie Colbert]

I didn't have a rando after that. And she came on for Mother's Day because it was in May, and we had such a good time, and I was so damn nervous, and with such a good time. And now it's. It's now, like, listen, you know, the minute by minutes on the old Nielsen ratings. Nobody leaves.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

I'm like, wow, I wish the audience liked me as much as they like Evie.

[Becca]

No, no, it's good.

[Evie Colbert]

I'm fine with it. She's a much nicer person than I am.

[Becca]

She brings out such a fun side of you, though. You know, it's fun to see you guys together. You guys have a side of me.

[Evie Colbert]

Who'S being cut down to size by his wife.

[Becca]

I know, but it's really fun. That's, like, what my parents are like together. Like, my dad, I will tell, like, big stories about music stuff, and then my mom will be like, norm, it didn't happen like that. And it's so fun. It's so fun to watch.

[Evie Colbert]

Or everyone's like, oh, this story again. And I'm like, but they haven't heard it yet.

[Becca]

I know, but everyone has fun with everyone's laugh.

[Evie Colbert]

Exactly. The audience is like. It's like. Audience is like, you know, having a new girlfriend who hasn't heard all your stories yet. You know, this is the best of all things. Cause I get to keep my old girlfriend, who I love, and a new girlfriend who hasn't heard grandpa's, you know, war stories.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you guys tell stories about, like, what you guys are doing for all these holidays in the cards. It's good. Yeah, it's a good time. Good time for the personal side of Stephen. Speaking of which, I have this idea that I think I want to ask you about before we wrap up here.

[Evie Colbert]

Let's hit it.

[Becca]

Me and my friend have this idea to throw, not Thanksgiving related, but sometime in winter, a stuffing party with a stuffing themed menu of what food. What dishes are categorized as stuffing? And what I'm thinking is an appetizer that's like something like a chilaquiles.

[Evie Colbert]

What is that, please?

[Becca]

Chilaquiles. It's like, it's fried tortillas that are cooked in, like, an eggy sauce. So it's almost like nachos, but like breakfast nachos.

[Evie Colbert]

I'm gonna counter. And saying that doesn't strike me as stuffed.

[Becca]

Okay, well, here.

[Evie Colbert]

Tamales are stuffed.

[Becca]

Well, here's the thing. Is it stuffing? Like, it has to literally be stuffed into something or if it's not stuffing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Then that's just dressing.

[Becca]

Okay, so maybe it's a dressing party. But like bread pudding. Is that a stuffing of a cheese?

[Evie Colbert]

Okay, that is. That is a bit. That's very interesting, because the first thing that occurred to me is that your appetizer might be like, a baby acorn squash that is, you know, roasted, and then the ingredients are scooped out, chopped up, added with other vegetables, and sometimes, like, little, like, sausage or something like that and then put back in.

[Becca]

Ooh.

[Evie Colbert]

Or like, is a twice baked potato? Is that stuffed? Cause often you take it out. Like, you mash it and then put it back in with cheese and everything. Is that stuffed?

[Becca]

Well, that's also, like, sort of a. We were also talking about, like, a soup. Soup. Bread soup in a bread bowl. You know, like, bowl as, like, the. What am I saying? We're talking about also bread as bowl, bread as bowl, food as vessel.

[Evie Colbert]

Is that stuffing?

[Becca]

That.

[Evie Colbert]

No, that's not stuffing.

[Becca]

I don't know if it's stuffing, but it's something very. Yeah. Food as vessel. But that's what you're.

[Evie Colbert]

Like, ice cream cone.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Is food as vessel?

[Becca]

Deviled egg could be. Right.

[Evie Colbert]

But that.

[Becca]

I don't know. It's not the same as, like, a bread bowl where you're using it right. Functionally, and then you do eat it.

[Evie Colbert]

In the old days, you would have called that a trencher. Like, you get like a trencher of stew, meaning you take a bread, you'd cut out the middle of the bread, and you'd, like, give someone, like, in the medieval times, wooden spoon stew of, like, lamb meat. It goes into the bread, and then.

[Stephen Colbert]

You eat all that.

[Evie Colbert]

Then you eat the bread, and you're done. That's how you would have done it.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Basically, all you had was spoons.

[Becca]

So you think a stuffing party. It has to literally be stuff. You don't think a bread pudding would count?

[Evie Colbert]

See, but the thing is, I didn't realize that you were gonna throw a bread pudding in my face. Cause bread pudding is stuff. It is dressing.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

I would allow it. And I'm on a bread pudding kick right now too.

[Becca]

I heard.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah, I'm doing almonds bread pudding. Okay. With, like, a crispy almond top on it.

[Becca]

What's the. What's you're making the almond bread or what's.

[Evie Colbert]

No, no, I'm just using, like, a brioche. Because that's great for a bread pudding. Brioche. And. And then using. Making a custard with almond extract.

[Becca]

Ooh.

[Evie Colbert]

And then you can, even if you want to, you could put a little layer, like, you can do an internal layer between the two layers of, like, bread pudding that you put in there. You do a little layer of like a fresh ground almond, like in, like an almond butter. But the important thing is that you take the almond, you sprinkle almond extract over your slivered almonds, and then you toss that with like a caster sugar. Like not a super fine, but a fine sugar. And then you sprinkle that. First you bake the bread pudding in a bain marie, which is like, you know, a steam tray, you know, and then domed with a little tinfoil, so it's basically steams bread pudding. Then you whip that dome off and you crank that heat up and you get a nice crust and you sprinkle. You sprinkle those sugar almonds over the top and you get this beautiful toasty crusty top.

[Becca]

Ooh. Wow. Oh, man, that sounds really good.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah. And then a caramel sauce.

[Becca]

Is that in the cookbook or is this a new project?

[Evie Colbert]

I'm always. I'm always, always B, cooking A, B, C. Yeah, Yum.

[Becca]

That sounds really good.

[Evie Colbert]

That sounds really good. I brought it in. I brought it in. Did you get any of it when.

[Stephen Colbert]

I brought it in that morning?

[Becca]

No, it was already gone. It was already gone by the time I came in. Man.

[Evie Colbert]

You bake?

[Becca]

I bake. I bake. I try that.

[Evie Colbert]

Kara bakes.

[Becca]

Kara bakes. Kara bakes really well.

[Evie Colbert]

Occasionally when you come up to the floor where these young ladies work, it hits you in the face like you've just walked into a bake shop on a cold winter day. It's fantastic.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah. No, we gotta get back. It's back. In the baking season, did you partake.

[Evie Colbert]

In the baked potato bar?

[Becca]

Yes, I did.

[Evie Colbert]

Remember, I subsidized a baked potato bar.

[Becca]

Yeah. And it was incredible. It was incredible.

[Evie Colbert]

We gotta do another. I'd like to do it for the winter. I think we should have, like, occasionally, like have a quote unquote bar, like a sausage bar or baked potato bar or a waffle bar or something like that.

[Becca]

Yeah, I got a waffle iron.

[Evie Colbert]

A crepe stand.

[Becca]

Yeah, crepe stand. Omelet chef. I can do the waffle bar. I got a waffle iron. I've done it before. It's very fun.

[Stephen Colbert]

Get a couple.

[Evie Colbert]

Bring them in too. Yeah, we'll get a cranking.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get all iron scum.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah, exactly.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Evie Colbert]

Tom will love that. It won't slow down production at All.

[Becca]

Yeah, Exactly.

[Evie Colbert]

There's no way that waffles will slow.

[Becca]

Down and everybody's laptop's gonna be all sticky. Bill's gonna love that.

[Evie Colbert]

Everyone's gonna be a little logie.

[Becca]

Yeah. It's gonna be great. All right, well, Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. This is the Late Show. Pod Show. Enjoy. Have a good one.

[Evie Colbert]

Go pilgrims.

[Becca]

Woo.

[Stephen Colbert]

Folks, I don't need to tell you next week is Thanksgiving, the day we feel gratitude for food, football and that one family member who's suddenly vegan. We get it. Jimmy. We get it. You went to Wesleyan. And you know how at Thanksgiving everyone sends each other Thanksgiving cards? And that's totally a thing that people do. Of course. You know that. And we're going to take a look at some of those in my segment. First drafts. No.

[Becca]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stupid. Of course. I can never do this alone. Please welcome the person I am most thankful for. My wife, Evie. Come on out, darling. Hello.

[Becca]

Hi.

[Evie Colbert]

Hello. Hello.

[Stephen Colbert]

You look beautiful.

[Becca]

H.

[Evie Colbert]

There you go.

[Becca]

Hello.

[Evie Colbert]

Won't you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Please. Please. My darling. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Audience Member]

Same to you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Coming up next week. I got. Here you go. There's a little pumpkin pie.

[Audience Member]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

If you feel like it. A fork. If you actually want to go so far as to take a bite. And of course, won't be Thanksgiving without drinking.

[Becca]

Cheers.

[Audience Member]

What's this? What's this?

[Stephen Colbert]

What's that? Let's find out.

[Evie Colbert]

Oh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ooh. Strong.

[Audience Member]

That is strong.

[Stephen Colbert]

That is mother's milk is what that is. Hey, that's an old Fashioned.

[Audience Member]

What's with the whole drinking the milk out of the carton thing? I saw that. That is not proper behavior.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's my carton. I'm not sharing that with the crew.

[Becca]

Get a glass and be civilized.

[Audience Member]

Come on.

[Evie Colbert]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thanks for stopping by. That's all we had time for. So, darling, you of course know how this works.

[Audience Member]

I do.

[Stephen Colbert]

Would you like to explain to the people how this works?

[Audience Member]

Yes. Because we all know how many Thanksgiving Day cards people.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. Everyone does it. Okay. All right, that's enough of that. Okay. Do you want to explain how this works? How we do this or shall I do it?

[Audience Member]

I think you'd like to do it.

[Stephen Colbert]

I. Okay. What we have here is a series of Thanksgiving cards. The type you might buy down at your local Thanksgiving card store. And then we show you that first. The one you can buy. And then we show you the not so great first draft that was never good enough to be sold. Do you understand?

[Audience Member]

I got it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Does everyone here understand the premise of the bid?

[Audience Member]

Very complicated.

[Stephen Colbert]

See you going to hand those to me. One at a time, my love.

[Becca]

Yep.

[Audience Member]

Let's have another sip of this restaurant.

[Evie Colbert]

There you go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Mmm. Nothing goes better with milk than bourbon. Can I have the first one, please?

[Audience Member]

You may have the first one.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much. Okay, here's one that says, happy Thanksgiving. Eat, drink, and be thankful.

[Evie Colbert]

There you go.

[Becca]

All right.

[Audience Member]

Oops.

[Stephen Colbert]

The first draft said.

[Audience Member]

Yep.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy Thanksgiving. Eat, drink, then come to the garage. Cousin Dale brought weed. What kind of message is that sending?

[Evie Colbert]

I mean, what mess is that sending?

[Stephen Colbert]

And then after. Really, after you eat and drink, you're going to go.

[Audience Member]

Cousin Dale probably drinks out of the milk carton, too.

[Evie Colbert]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cousin Dale's got a. Cousin Dale's got a real problem. We're really worried about cousin Dale. Darling, how many people do we have for Thanksgiving this year?

[Audience Member]

20, I think.

[Stephen Colbert]

So what do we. What do we. What are we making?

[Audience Member]

Well, it's a lot of. It's in our cookbook.

[Stephen Colbert]

You mean this cookbook?

[Audience Member]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, does this taste funny? It makes. It makes an incredible Thanksgiving present to go with your Thanksgiving card. Just go right there. Click on that. You can buy one of these books.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. We're doing the sweet potatoes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, we always do the sweet potato liquor.

[Audience Member]

Yep. And then I always. And we say this in the cookbook. I always wonder if I should make the wild rice.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I always say, because I'm always.

[Audience Member]

Insecure that no one likes it and everyone loves it, and I make it again. And then I wonder the next year, should I make it? Should I make the wild rice? I don't know. Thank you. Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Can I have another card, please?

[Audience Member]

You may have another card.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you.

[Audience Member]

What are you going to make?

[Stephen Colbert]

What am I going to make?

[Audience Member]

You're going to do the turkey.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'd probably do the turkey. Yeah, I'll do. I've already got it in. As I said, 95 degrees.

[Audience Member]

I think that idea that I'm a garden has is kind of great. Where you make it before and you. And you go ahead and pre. Slice it the day before. So then.

[Stephen Colbert]

And then. On a bed of gravy.

[Audience Member]

On a bed of gravy. So it's not dry.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I'm not selling Ina Garten's books here. I mean, I love her. She's wonderful.

[Evie Colbert]

But love.

[Stephen Colbert]

She's wonderful.

[Audience Member]

I think it's such a practical idea.

[Stephen Colbert]

It is a wonderful idea. She's got her own show. Okay. Love you. Okay. Here's a card that says, taking this Thanksgiving to say I'm thankful for you.

[Audience Member]

That's the Card.

[Stephen Colbert]

Basic to the point. But the first draft said, taking this Thanksgiving to say, why did you kill me? I had a family. My name was Alan.

[Audience Member]

Who did he kill?

[Stephen Colbert]

It's a dead turkey.

[Audience Member]

A dead turkey. Oh, Derkey.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because on this one, you might notice on the front, it's the turkey that's saying it.

[Audience Member]

Ah, I didn't get that part. Yeah, these are very subtle cards.

[Evie Colbert]

Give me the next one.

[Becca]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Stephen Colbert]

Give me the next one. Okay. How about dessert? That's always a question. We leave it till last minute and we forget.

[Audience Member]

We don't forget. I don't think.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, we kind of hustled last minute. Like, oh, my God. We didn't plan dessert.

[Audience Member]

Well, last year we were hustling because you didn't feel well.

[Stephen Colbert]

Last year I had just burst my appendix. Yes, last year.

[Audience Member]

And shout out to our three children who saved Thanksgiving because I was in the hospital with you and I texted them and said, thanksgiving's on you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. They did it last year. They did it. Last year I had my favorite side dish ever though, which was morphine.

[Audience Member]

We're not serving that this year.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're not serving that. Not even Dilaudid.

[Evie Colbert]

Okay.

[Audience Member]

And your favorite nurse, what's her name? Won't be there yet.

[Stephen Colbert]

I can't remember. Don't get into the business.

[Audience Member]

Oh, my God. Elo.

[Stephen Colbert]

I just. When you're on morphine, you're just interested in people's stories. Here's a sweet one. It says, happy Thanksgiving, mom and dad, from your kids who are so grateful for you. Isn't that.

[Audience Member]

Oh, I want one of those.

[Stephen Colbert]

That is true. You'll get one. I'll make sure they give you one. Yeah, but the first. But the first draft said happy Thanksgiving, mom and dad. At least that's what we think this card says. No one under 30 can read cursive.

[Audience Member]

True.

[Stephen Colbert]

That is true.

[Audience Member]

That's true.

[Becca]

True.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have well educated children. Our children are massively educated.

[Audience Member]

You know, this is a thing that I think is true that we found out during the election is whatever they are, Gen Z, what are they?

[Becca]

Our kids.

[Evie Colbert]

Who?

[Stephen Colbert]

Our kids are Z.

[Audience Member]

Their signature isn't always the same because they don't write cursive very well.

[Becca]

Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

One of our kids ballot had to.

[Audience Member]

Have his ballot cured because his signature.

[Stephen Colbert]

Didn'T match his own signature.

[Audience Member]

Because he did a mail in ballot.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because they never have to sign anything. It's all just click this box to agree. These kids.

[Audience Member]

What is happening?

[Stephen Colbert]

You and I sound 1000 years old right now. As well as well, as well we should.

[Becca]

As well we should.

[Audience Member]

No, we shouldn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, we should. We were very young.

[Audience Member]

I don't want to be a thousand years old.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Favorite Thanksgiving carol.

[Audience Member]

There is no Thanksgiving carol.

[Stephen Colbert]

Over the river and through the woods or grandmother's house we go. That's the only one.

[Audience Member]

We did do that. We did.

[Stephen Colbert]

Trick question.

[Audience Member]

But we do sing every Thanksgiving.

[Stephen Colbert]

We do.

[Evie Colbert]

We do.

[Audience Member]

That's very fun.

[Stephen Colbert]

We also do charades every Thanksgiving.

[Audience Member]

Yep, we do. What?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's not so fun. Is just informative for the audience. There's nothing that's not that interesting. It's just informative. We do Than charades every Thanksgiving. Please consider it yourself. The show is partially sponsored by the National Charades Council. We make a little money on every time you play charades. Just a couple of pennies, but it adds up.

[Audience Member]

It does.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here's one for your partner. You're my sweetie pie. I love you, pumpkin. That's a really good one. That's very sweet, but the first draft said you're my sweetie pie. Can we open things up to a third piece? That's terrible. That is awful. I'm in. That's no wrong. Bad card.

[Audience Member]

They drink out of the milk.

[Stephen Colbert]

They do drink out of the milk carton.

[Evie Colbert]

You bet they do.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Can you imagine making love on an air hockey table?

[Audience Member]

No, that whole thing. That whole thing.

[Stephen Colbert]

No. It would be very cool and refreshing, you know.

[Audience Member]

Oh, God.

[Stephen Colbert]

Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.

[Audience Member]

I just can't. I can't.

[Stephen Colbert]

G. You're so nice. You are so nice.

[Audience Member]

Why is it nice that I don't want to make love on an air hockey table?

[Stephen Colbert]

No, it's nice that you don't even want to hear about love on our hockey table.

[Audience Member]

I really don't want to hear about the person who watched.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Evie Colbert]

There you go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, maybe it was like a referee.

[Audience Member]

I'm having more of your Grace show.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's the last show before Thanksgiving.

[Audience Member]

Oh, it is such a getaway day.

[Stephen Colbert]

Such a getaway.

[Audience Member]

Everybody who works here is like, uh huh. What time are we going to take?

[Stephen Colbert]

I gotta go. People have their bags packed. They got one foot out the door. They're hailing cabs while we do this bit right now.

[Audience Member]

I love your staff, by the way. They are such lovely people.

[Stephen Colbert]

They are. They're the loveliest people.

[Audience Member]

They are. They are so lovely.

[Evie Colbert]

They're so nice.

[Stephen Colbert]

To me, that is something to be thankful for. This year, my staff.

[Audience Member]

You have the best.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here's one you might get from your visiting college kid. Happy Thanksgiving, mom and dad. I'm so thankful for you.

[Audience Member]

We have a visiting college kid.

[Stephen Colbert]

We do, exactly. But the first draft said, happy Thanksgiving, mom and dad. I'm so thankful for your washer dryer. Don't forget to separate by color. I'm going to go sleep for 12 straight hours. Thanks. That's true.

[Audience Member]

That will be happening.

[Evie Colbert]

Me, too. 12 straight hours.

[Audience Member]

That will definitely be happening.

[Stephen Colbert]

Darling, may I have. Thank you very much. This card says, a day to gather, eat, laugh, share. But most of all, a day to give thanks for family like you. The first draft said, a day to gather, eat, laugh, share. But most of all, a day to pretend to be really invested in football in order to avoid talking about the election. Well, my love, it is always Happy Thanksgiving.

[Audience Member]

Happy Thanksgiving.

[Stephen Colbert]

It is always so fun to have you on. It's one of the highlights of the month every time you do.

[Audience Member]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

And we recently thought of a new way for us to do something together on the show. And something we've never done before on the show in any way is that we're going to answer fan mail. So if there's anything you'd like to ask, just hand write a letter, take a photo of it, and then upload it to this site. Linked right there. And then we will print them out and Evie and I will read your questions and answer them on air. And some of your questions we will not read on air. And you know which ones we won't.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

No, like boxers or briefs, stuff like that.

[Stephen Colbert]

No air hockey questions. Thank you for listening to the Late.

[Evie Colbert]

Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

[Paramount Promo Voice]

Paramount, Paramount, Paramount. Plus streaming movies, live sports, and lots of new stuff, from strange new worlds to under the sea. Or watch the new series the Agency.

[Evie Colbert]

Let's go.

[Paramount Promo Voice]

Paramount, Paramount, Paramount. Plus a mountain of entertainment for us from Frasier to Dexter to the NFL. Set your stream and know you're not dreaming you're streaming holiday.

[Evie Colbert]

Get the Paramount with Showtime. Plan to start streaming now.

[Audience Member]

Be prepared.

[Stephen Colbert]

Boom.

[United Airlines]

Ghosts is now streaming on Paramount.

[Audience Member]

Right on.

[United Airlines]

Seeing is believing.

[Audience Member]

Isaac was kidnapped by a puritan ghost.

[Becca]

We shall spend eternity here.

[Stephen Colbert]

Who wouldn't enjoy staring at that gorgeous porcelain skin?

[Becca]

Tis from the bloodletting that killed me. Just like that.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're back.

[United Airlines]

Ghosts. New season now streaming on Paramount. New episodes CBS Thursday, 8:30 7:30 Central.