Stephen Presents: John Oliver's Colbert Questionert

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert Episode: Stephen Presents: John Oliver's Colbert Questionnaire
Release Date: March 18, 2025

---

Introduction to the Episode

In this engaging episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, host Stephen Colbert teams up with fellow late-night star John Oliver for a playful and revealing session known as the "Colbert Questionnaire." Produced by Becca, a producer from the Late Show, the episode delves into the unique dynamics between the two comedic giants, offering listeners a behind-the-scenes look at their camaraderie and shared humor.

Behind the Podcast: Stephen and Becca's Conversation (01:04 - 03:09)

The episode begins with Becca introducing herself and highlighting the podcast's role in providing extended interviews, exclusive jokes, and rare throwbacks that fans won't find on the television show. Stephen Colbert enthusiastically agrees, emphasizing the podcast’s value in deepening the connection with listeners.

Notable Quote:

• Stephen Colbert [01:10]: "Love our podcast intros. Look forward to it every week right before the week we're off."

Becca teases a special segment—a throwback featuring an early questionnaire during COVID times, setting the stage for the main event.

Introducing John Oliver and the Colbert Questionnaire (03:09 - 05:49)

Stephen introduces John Oliver in his signature comedic style, playfully critiquing the questionnaire's depth and Oliver's enigmatic persona. He humorously mentions their limited personal interactions, attributing it to the challenges posed by the COVID-19 pandemic.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [03:09]: "I always want to know more about John Oliver. He's a mystery wrapped in an enigma smothered in a. I don't know, sauce."
• John Oliver [05:34]: "Good luck. I'm British, so I've built a pretty sizable wall around any sense of thought or feelings, but have at it."

This introductory banter sets a lighthearted tone, highlighting the friendly rivalry and mutual respect between the two hosts.

The Colbert Questionnaire: A Deep Dive (05:49 - 14:29)

The heart of the episode is the Colbert Questionnaire—a series of 15 scientifically designed questions intended to uncover the true inner selves of guests. John Oliver participates wholeheartedly, responding with wit and honesty.

1. Best Sandwich (05:51 - 07:00)

Stephen kicks off the questionnaire by asking Oliver about his favorite sandwich.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [05:51]: "What is the best sandwich?"
• John Oliver [06:01]: "I would say my go to sandwich is a BLT. Crispy as possible, the bacon okay, sweet as possible, the tomato."
• Stephen Colbert [06:14]: "Is it John Oliver?"
• John Oliver [06:18]: "It is."

The conversation reveals a charming anecdote about Oliver's first Valentine's Day with his wife, highlighting his dedication and romantic gesture involving a Wawa BLT sandwich.

2. Scariest Animal (07:00 - 09:00)

Next, Stephen probes into Oliver's fears regarding animals.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [08:26]: "What's the scariest animal?"
• John Oliver [08:50]: "Pangolins are terrifying. They are incredible vessels for disease."

Oliver humorously discusses pangolins, attaching a playful fear of their role in potential pandemics.

3. Apples or Oranges? (08:54 - 09:17)

A seemingly simple choice becomes a humorous debate.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [08:54]: "Apples or oranges?"
• John Oliver [09:00]: "Apples. Because you can put peanut butter on an apple."
• Stephen Colbert [09:15]: "Should you?"
• John Oliver [09:19]: "You're using an apple as a spoon, then?"

Their banter highlights the quirky and unconventional preferences that add depth to Oliver's persona.

4. Favorite Action Movie (09:27 - 12:23)

The questionnaire takes a turn towards cinematic tastes.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [11:16]: "What do you think happens when we die?"
• John Oliver [11:21]: "I'm hoping for just some sense of peace."

Note: This section appears to overlap with the next question about death, suggesting a transcription overlap. Assuming the correct sequence:

5. Thoughts on Death (11:16 - 11:48)

Oliver shares his contemplative views on mortality with Stephen.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [11:16]: "What do you think happens when we die?"
• John Oliver [11:21]: "I'm hoping for just some sense of peace."

Their philosophical exchange offers a rare glimpse into Oliver's personal reflections.

6. Autograph Story (09:45 - 11:00)

Oliver recounts a childhood memory involving a footballer's autograph, blending humor with nostalgia.

Notable Quotes:

• John Oliver [10:00]: "I am become death, destroyer of Dibbles."
• Stephen Colbert [11:00]: "What? By the way, that whole story, you could have made up all of it. None of it."

This amusing interaction underscores the playful tension and rapport between the two hosts.

7. Favorite Smell and Least Favorite Smell (12:28 - 13:34)

Sensory preferences lead to a humorous debate on pleasant and unpleasant odors.

Notable Quotes:

• John Oliver [13:03]: "Tarmac. Like, I like tarmac before it's spread down."
• Stephen Colbert [13:16]: "Or like right before you fall asleep in a nap."

Their contrasting opinions add another layer to the engaging dialogue.

8. One Song for Life (13:34 - 14:04)

Oliver chooses a song he'd listen to indefinitely, revealing his musical tastes.

Notable Quotes:

• John Oliver [13:51]: "Ashes to Ashes. David Bowie."
• Stephen Colbert [13:58]: "I'll buy it."

The choice reflects Oliver's appreciation for classic and enduring music.

9. Describe Your Life in Five Words (14:04 - 14:27)

In a creative twist, Oliver attempts to encapsulate his life succinctly.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [14:03]: "No."
• John Oliver [14:15]: "From this point, I have no idea."
• Stephen Colbert [14:27]: "John Oliver could. Congratulations. You are known."

This final question emphasizes the lighthearted and improvisational nature of the questionnaire.

Conclusion and Final Remarks (14:29 - End)

Stephen wraps up the episode by thanking John Oliver for his participation and teasing future content available on The Late Show YouTube channel. The episode concludes on a high note, celebrating the shared humor and friendship between Colbert and Oliver.

Final Quote:

• Stephen Colbert [14:29]: "John Oliver, everybody. Thank you, John. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert."

---

Key Takeaways and Insights

• Camaraderie Between Hosts: The episode highlights the friendly rivalry and mutual respect between Stephen Colbert and John Oliver, showcasing their ability to engage in witty and meaningful conversations.

• Humanizing Celebrities: Through the Colbert Questionnaire, listeners gain a deeper understanding of John Oliver's personal preferences, fears, and humorous anecdotes, making him more relatable beyond his public persona.

• Humor and Depth: The blend of humor with earnest responses provides an entertaining yet insightful experience, reflecting the podcast's commitment to delivering both laughs and genuine conversations.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Stephen Colbert [01:10]: "Love our podcast intros. Look forward to it every week right before the week we're off."

• John Oliver [06:01]: "I would say my go to sandwich is a BLT. Crispy as possible, the bacon okay, sweet as possible, the tomato."

• Stephen Colbert [08:54]: "Apples or oranges?"

• John Oliver [13:51]: "Ashes to Ashes. David Bowie."

• Stephen Colbert [14:29]: "John Oliver, everybody. Thank you, John. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert."

---

Final Thoughts

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert continues to deliver engaging and entertaining content, offering fans a unique blend of humor and intimate conversations with their favorite personalities. This episode starring John Oliver exemplifies the podcast's ability to provide depth and laughter, making it a must-listen for enthusiasts of late-night comedy and insightful dialogues.

Transcript

[Mochi Health]

If you've been struggling with your weight, Mochi Health is here to help. Mochi Health is a long term weight loss solution personalized to fit your unique needs and goals. Meet one on one with board certified obesity doctors and registered dietitians who are on a mission to listen. Eligible patients can Access custom formulated GLP1 medications at an affordable set price and get them delivered to their home each month. Take our free [e-mail] and use code AUDIO40 at checkout for $40 off your first month of membership.

[Unknown]

Where'd you get those shoes?

Easy.

They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you and at your DSW store or dsw dot com.

[Becca]

Hey, everybody, it's Becca. I'm a producer here at the Late Show. I'm joined, of course. I hope you know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bye, Stephen Colbert. Becca, Happy to be here. Love our podcast intros. Look forward to it every week right before the week we're off.

[Becca]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

That we get to be together. And you know what? My head's in the game. Let's win this one.

[Becca]

Let's do it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's dominate.

[Becca]

Yeah. Longtime fans, longtime listeners will know the Late Show's on a break. But guess what? You come to the podcast, you hear Stephen talking about some shows, you get.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stuff you're not gonna get on the show. You get extended interviews, you get jokes that didn't make it into the monologue.

[Becca]

Yeah. And we got throwbacks. We got a throwback today.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, what's the throwback?

[Becca]

It's an early questionnaire. And I have a. This is what we do. We play a little bit.

[Stephen Colbert]

Was it Covid time questionnaire?

[Becca]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it Meryl Streep?

[Becca]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it Tom Hanks?

[Becca]

No. I'm gonna.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it George Clooney?

[Becca]

Can I give you one of the sandwich?

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure.

[Becca]

If I give you the sandwich, you can guess based on the sandwich who it was.

[Stephen Colbert]

First question. For those who don't know, the first question of the Colbert questionnaire is always what is the best sandwich?

[Becca]

Okay. They said a Wawa BLT talking gas station sandwich.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it John Oliver?

[Becca]

It is. It is.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. There you go.

[Becca]

This is one of my.

[Stephen Colbert]

He married a Wawa girl.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, that's the story. It's a beautiful, romantic gas station sandwich story.

[Stephen Colbert]

Was that where they went on their honeymoon or their first anniversary?

[Becca]

Yes, the first Valentine's Day.

[Stephen Colbert]

First Valentine's Day. She wanted a sandwich from Wawa. That's a. Hold on to that girl.

[Becca]

Yeah, no, but early questionnaire. So you're not going to be here in the studio audience, you guys, because it was on Zoom, but.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, it really was Covid time.

[Becca]

It was Covid time in the box. But you know what? This is an early questionnaire that gets the heart of the Colbert questionnaire, where you seem to genuinely be wanting to find out more about John Oliver.

[Stephen Colbert]

I always want to know more about John Oliver. He's a mystery wrapped in an enigma smothered in a. I don't know, sauce.

[Becca]

And I think people assume that you guys are super close best friends because you've been on similar shows.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Becca]

You're running the same circles.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yep.

[Becca]

But this was a nice moment where you guys were really just hanging out, getting to know each other well.

[Stephen Colbert]

What was this, five years ago now? Yeah, we didn't actually know each other that well five years ago. We got to know each other much better over the last five years.

[Becca]

Oh, well, Shrek verse five, of course.

[Unknown]

Shoosh.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyways, this is John Oliver. Anything else you want to say about John Oliver?

[Stephen Colbert]

I appreciate that he seems to be aging as rapidly as I am. That gives me great comfort.

[Becca]

Nice. Great. All right, here he is. This is John Oliver doing the Colbert questionnaire.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know, one of the best things about doing the show is getting to talk to all sorts of fascinating people. Gives me a chance to get to know celebrities without the mess of having to dig through their garbage. In fact, we here at OH have even created a method that goes beyond the traditional interview to reveal my guests true inner selves. It's called the Colbert Questionnaire, and it's a series of 15 scientifically designed Psyche probing questions that Psychology Today once called please stop contacting us. I recently had the pleasure of administering the questionnaire to some of the biggest names in entertainment, like John Oliver. Did you know beneath that vapid dreamboat exterior and washboard abs, he's got a brain too? It's true. It takes a look. I'm here with Mr. John Oliver right there.

[Unknown]

I'm here too.

[Stephen Colbert]

And his beautiful endspace. I don't know. Purgatory.

[Unknown]

That is nothing. Yeah. It's just a beautiful nothing. An absence of a thing.

[Stephen Colbert]

It is a tofu environment of which he is the Only salt. And I love talking to you, you know, want to have you on. It's a joy. We always go too long. It's always, as you say, it's hell for our editors. But the one thing. The problem is that I see you mostly this way, because people did not know we didn't actually cross over at the Daily Show. We were friends, certainly. I knew your work, you knew I work. And we would. You know, we would. We would see each other in the crossover episodes, but I don't really know you as well as I'd like. And we've been trying to have dinner with each other and our wives.

[Unknown]

We were nearly there. We were so near.

[Stephen Colbert]

And then Covid hit and we had to cancel. So I don't really know you as well as I'd like, but I've got a way to fix that. And when I ask you these questions, they will penetrate to your soul and reveal you not only to the world, but to yourself. Are you prepared to. To be known as you are known?

[Unknown]

Good luck. I'm British, so I've built a pretty sizable wall around any sense of thought or feelings, but have at it. Let's see what your wrecking ball of questions can produce.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right. John Oliver.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the best sandwich?

[Unknown]

The best sandwich? Well, that is a good question.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's why it made it to the Colbert questionnaire.

[Unknown]

I would say my go to sandwich is a blt. Crispy as possible, the bacon okay, sweet as possible, the tomato. And I think I would take.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know what?

[Unknown]

I would probably take a Wawa blt.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, well, a roadside blt. So not only. Not only a gas station blt. So not only are you a lover of sandwich, you're a gambler.

[Unknown]

My wife loves Wawa. It's her absolute favorite thing. And one of the first Valentine's Days I ever had with her. I thought, there's no Wawa in New York. So I hired a car to drive us to the nearest Wawa, which was somewhere deep in New Jersey. I remember talking to the driver saying, this is where we're going to go on Valentine's Day. And he honestly said, I'll do this. Are you absolutely sure that this is gonna be a surprise that she likes? Cause what you're describing to me sounds terrible.

[Stephen Colbert]

And was she happy?

[Unknown]

She was absolutely overjoyed. We even bought him a sandwich. Said, see? This is what she's excited about. And he said, and I quote, it's fine.

[Stephen Colbert]

But, you know, in a happy marriage, it's great. If most days are fine.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

On the night we were married, Evie and I, my sister Mary said to us, look. She took us aside and she said, look, you two, she's very short. Look, you two. She said, there's this and there's this. What you want is that okay? What's the one thing you own that you really should throw out?

[Unknown]

I'm not. I'm not gonna do it. I have a. The last concert before COVID hit that I ended up going to was I was doing Stand up in San Francisco, and Brooks Whelan and I, who was opening for me, we got to San Francisco the night before our show. We went to see the Grateful Dead because they were playing there, and we bought a Grateful Dead bomber jacket, and we competed for it at mini golf the next day. I will never wear this jacket. I live in an apartment in New York, so we don't have space for it. My wife has tried to throw it out three times, and I'm never, ever. I will be buried in that jacket.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, next time you're on, if you could wear that jacket, I'd really appreciate it.

[Unknown]

Done.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's the scariest animal?

[Unknown]

I mean, honestly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure.

[Unknown]

You'd probably go with, you know, there's the obvious answer, which is something like a shark, which you think is dangerous. Pangolins are terrifying.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why? But they're scaly. They burrow in the ground. Understand? What.

[Unknown]

They're gigantic. The next pandemic that we're inflicted by may well come from a pangolin. They are incredible vessels for disease.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, all right. Apples are oranges.

[Unknown]

It's always the cute ones. Yeah, the cute ones get you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yep. Apples or oranges?

[Unknown]

Apples.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is correct. Because you can put peanut butter on an apple. Because you can put peanut butter on an apple.

[Unknown]

That is. That might be the most American thing I've heard you ever say. Yeah. You can put peanut butter on an apple. Should you?

[Stephen Colbert]

Of course. Okay.

[Unknown]

Really?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. Yes.

[Unknown]

You're using an apple as a spoon, then?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Oh, okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

A slice of apple.

[Unknown]

As long as you.

[Stephen Colbert]

A slice of apple. I'm not saying dip the whole apple in. I'm not an animal.

[Unknown]

The first time my wife went to England, she said, I can't believe how little peanut butter you have in things here. Yeah, Flip that around. That's how I feel.

[Stephen Colbert]

But you know what would improve your meat pies? Little peanut butter. Huh? Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah. As a kid, who'd you get? Footballers. Ian Rush. I used to go to Liverpool. You know what? I remember I loved my Ian Rush autograph so much. I carry with me in my wallet to this day. But I remember being at Kenilworth Road, which is Luton's ground, watching Liverpool play Luton when I was a kid and there were players coming around and Lewton's goalkeeper, Andy Dibble was. Which is. That is a cartoonishly English name. But Andy Dibble was walking down this line of kids and he was saying, do you want an autograph? Do you want an autograph? And he said to me, do you want an autograph? And I said, no, I don't. I want a different person's autograph. And he looked hurt. And. And I actually remember the look in Andy Dibbles. There's so. There are so many footballers names I've forgotten, but I remember Andy Dibbles names because as a kid, I think in that moment I realized I have the capacity to inflict pain on an adult. On an adult. I hurt you. You're hurt. And I did that. I am become death, destroyer of Dibbles.

[Stephen Colbert]

What? By the way, that whole story, you could have made up all of it. None of it. I was going down, you know the pitch with the. It was Ludens and Dibbles and I'm like, uh huh, uh huh, yeah, that's right.

[Unknown]

Kenilworth Road.

[Stephen Colbert]

100%. Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Off of a wardrobe to get there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

What do you think happens when we die?

[Unknown]

I mean, I would hope. I'm hoping for just some sense of peace. I don't have religion in the way that you have it, so I'm just hoping for the end of life to be kind of the feeling you get when you sink into a chair after a long day.

[Stephen Colbert]

That would be nice too. Or like right before you fall asleep in a nap. That sort of swallowing. Feel the sheets just coming to get you.

[Unknown]

You describe. That's panic inducing what you just described to me. I'll take the chair.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Favorite action movie.

[Unknown]

I don't know if I have a.

[Stephen Colbert]

Favorite action movie that is telling. No.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Action. What cray tell does it tell you lack a certain.

[Unknown]

Say it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hyper masculine aggressiveness that I. That I exude.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Great Escape. Come on. The Great Escape. Nothing. That's an action movie. That's an.

[Unknown]

Of course an action movie. In that case, I got one. Saving Private Ryan.

[Stephen Colbert]

I guess that's an action movie, but it's sad. Action movies aren't supposed to be sad. The hero's supposed to win.

[Unknown]

Please. Oh, please. Unless there's an internal sadness or at least A sense of ennui. I'm not interested. Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

So your favorite action movie is My Dinner with Andre.

[Unknown]

You can't say there aren't some linguistic pyrotechnics involved in that.

[Stephen Colbert]

There sure are. Exactly. Brumbo Rovopolevka. Is it potato soup? Very delicious. Okay, favorite smell?

[Unknown]

Tarmac. Like, I like tarmac before it's spread down. Or creosote when you walk past a freshly creosoted fence.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, wow, that's a. That's cheap. That's a cheap high. Okay. Least favorite smell?

[Unknown]

A not great egg.

[Stephen Colbert]

Flat or sparkling?

[Unknown]

Oh, sparkling. Come on, treat yourself.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's have a party.

[Unknown]

Treat yourself.

[Stephen Colbert]

You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?

[Unknown]

Wow. For the rest of my life?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

So it's got. Oh, okay. All right. So something you can't be sick of then.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know. But you've got to choose it now.

[Unknown]

Ashes to Ashes. David Bowie. All right. There's so much going on in there. If you get tired of that song, it's your fault.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll buy it. I'll buy it. What number am I thinking of?

[Unknown]

42.

[Stephen Colbert]

No. Okay. Describe the rest of your life in five words.

[Unknown]

Describe the rest of my life? From this point, I have no idea.

[Stephen Colbert]

John Oliver could. Congratulations. You are known.

[Unknown]

Hey, I feel seen.

[Stephen Colbert]

John Oliver, everybody. Thank you, John. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.