Stephen Presents: Jon Stewart's Colbert Questionert

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Stephen Presents: Jon Stewart's Colbert Questionert
Date: April 29, 2026
Host: Stephen Colbert
Guest: Jon Stewart

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Episode Overview

This episode features Stephen Colbert and Becca revisiting four “retired” questions from the Colbert Questionnaire before welcoming Jon Stewart for the full Colbert Questionnaire. The show blends humor, personal revelation, and their signature banter as Stephen and Jon reflect on everything from favorite sandwiches to life's big questions—all while keeping the tone irreverent and playful.

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Part I: Stephen Answers the "Retired" Colbert Questionnaire Questions

1. Most Used App on Your Phone

• Stephen first thinks of the Podcast app, but then admits, “it’s probably Marine Traffic.”
• Marine Traffic Explained:
  • Tracks ships’ real-time locations, including name, vessel type, gross tonnage, speed, destination, and country flag.
  • Amusingly nerdy enthusiasm as Stephen describes, “Right now… I could pop it up and say, hey, who’s going through the Strait of Hormuz right now?... It’s fascinating, you can see all those ships bunched up... in the Gulf…and then nothing around the strait.” (03:34)
• Anecdote:
  • Once while sailing, Stephen encountered the luxury yacht "Vertigo," later discovered (via Marine Traffic once in port) to belong to Rupert Murdoch, possibly glimpsing Jerry Hall on board.
  • “Who did not stop to help someone who was signaling them—not in mortal distress, but like, hey, we could use some help here…Rupert Murdoch.” (06:14)

2. Is Exercise Worth It?

• Stephen: “Is exercise worth it? Yes, it is. I think it is.” (06:39)
• He jokes the hardest moment is usually before the exercise.
• “I would recommend going into all exercise highly reluctantly. Cause then however much you dislike it is not as much as you had placed on your disgust of it.” (07:09)
• On cycling: “I might get…my shoulders might creep wider than my hips. Not a V, but at least like an L or an I. Jim is job now.” (08:08)

3. Flat or Sparkling?

• Stephen: “Sparkling. I mean...every moment can be a party.” (08:25)
• Notes sparkling water is his “specialty beverage”—with or without bitters or lemon.
• “If I have the sparkling water, I might not drink as much alcohol…getting my spicy tongue.” (08:40)

4. One Thing You Own That You Should Really Throw Out

• Stephen tells the story of his decades-old can of Bell Sausage, a sentimental relic from his mother’s pantry:
  • “It kind of is my mom, if you know what I mean. My mom’s well-intentioned but poorly informed attempt to feed me.” (10:44)
  • The can is now bulging and has leaked but he cannot bring himself to throw it out.
  • Considers auctioning it for charity or encasing it in epoxy as a keepsake, joking, “It’s literally gonna be like an 80-year-old can of sausage by the time I die.” (13:10)
• Reflects on memorabilia from The Colbert Report, like custom-made Roman armor, suggesting perhaps he should give them away or open a Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop.

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Part II: Jon Stewart Takes the Colbert Questionnaire

Stephen: “To truly know someone, you have to interview them on a talk show. That’s when they’re most revelatory.” (16:39)

1. Best Sandwich

• Jon Stewart: “The best sandwich is one that understands the bread to ingredient ratio...your range is 65 to 75% ingredient.” (19:02)
• On pickles:
  • “A pickle is a tremendous…flavor addition, but also a textural jolt…your mouth comes through the bread…But then you hit that mother pickle…it bursts.” (18:12)

2. One Thing You Own That You Should Really Throw Out

• Jon: “Everything I wear.” (19:18)

3. Scariest Animal

• Jon: “Cat…not a tiger, a cat. Because the tiger is not in your house. The cat is a killing machine.” (20:45)
• Explains cats are relentless hunters and “will bring it to you and put it on your bed as if to say, you better keep feeding me, or I will rip you to shreds.” (21:08)
• Refuses to count fish as animals: “No, they’re not. They’re fish.” (19:47)

4. Apples or Oranges?

• Jon: “Apples.”
• Stephen: “Yes. Correct answer. Can’t put peanut butter on an orange.” (22:30)

5. What Do You Think Happens When We Die?

• Jon: “Very little. I mean…If, here’s what I would say: if something was happening, wouldn’t you move? But you don’t. So clearly, there’s nothing going on.” (22:37)

6. Favorite Action Movie

• Jon: Initially says, “Finding Nemo,” to Stephen’s amusement. (23:06)
• Waffles on definition: “Action movie, generally speaking, something explodes…or someone falls from a great height or…there doesn’t have to be gunplay because sword.”(23:20)

7. Favorite Smell

• Jon: “The beach.” (23:41)
• Least Favorite Smell: “Some of the things you find on the beach.” (23:46)

8. Exercise: Worth It?

• Jon: “Please.” (24:04) [Implying, ‘no.’]

9. Flat or Sparkling?

• Jon: “Oh, flat.” (24:08)
• Explains:
  • “What sort of unholy—Why would you ever aerate a beverage?...What else do you do that you consume that you aerate? Do you put bubbles in anything else?” (24:10)
  • Stephen counters with “marshmallows” and “meringue,” leading to playful back-and-forth.

10. One Song to Listen to for the Rest of Your Life

• Jon: Groans at the question, calls it “torturous,” but ultimately picks Springsteen, cycling through: “Lost in the Flood...Land of Hope and Dreams...Born to Run...Jungleland...Thunder Road...Rosalita.” (26:30-27:00)
• Amused riff: “Whip those eggies, baby,” mocking their meringue discussion.

11. What Number Is Stephen Thinking Of?

• Jon: “Whatever number it is...in the time that you are gonna have to stay late to Edison.”
• Stephen: “Infinity.” (27:09)

12. Describe the Rest of Your Life in Five Words

• Jon: “Hopefully quite, quite, quite long.” (27:31)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Stephen’s can of sausage: “Chemically, but emotionally, no. Emotionally, I can’t get rid of it.” – Stephen (13:10)
• On exercise: “I would recommend going into all exercise highly reluctantly…” – Stephen (07:09)
• On cats as the scariest animal: “The cat is a killing machine. And it will murder all over the neighborhood. And it will bring it to you and put it on your bed…” – Jon Stewart (21:08)
• On sandwich perfection: “It has everything to do with…the ratio of ingredient to bread and the addition of your liquidity…” – Jon Stewart (17:53)
• On life after death: “If something was happening, wouldn’t you move? But you don’t.” – Jon Stewart (22:37)
• On favorite song: “The song that I want to listen to is the meringue song, and I just wrote it, and it goes like this: Whip those eggies, baby.” – Jon Stewart (26:23)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Retired Questionnaire Segment: 01:52 – 16:17
  • Marine Traffic app and boat stories: 02:32 – 06:29
  • Exercise discussion: 06:39 – 08:18
  • Flat or sparkling: 08:25 – 09:11
  • Can of sausage and memorabilia: 09:38 – 16:02
• Jon Stewart Colbert Questionnaire: 16:28 – 27:31
  • Sandwich & ratio debate: 17:13 – 19:11
  • Scariest animal—cat: 19:25 – 21:47
  • Life after death: 22:37 – 22:56
  • Exercise & beverage debate: 23:50 – 24:42
  • Song for life—Springsteen medley: 25:39 – 27:00
  • Five words for life: 27:23 – 27:31

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Tone & Style

The episode is quintessential Colbert and Stewart: dry, ironic, conversational, and self-aware. Both hosts balance quick wit with sincerity, swapping personal anecdotes and existential musings with easy rapport.

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Summary Takeaways

• Stephen is a nerd for boats, sparkling water, and odd sentimental treasures.
• Jon is a connoisseur of sandwiches, suspicious of cats, and a diehard Springsteen fan.
• Both display sharp humor and heart—whether kidding about meringue or reflecting on old cans of sausage and the passage of time.
• The episode offers both laughter and a genuine window into what makes these iconic comics tick—even (especially) when the questions are designed to be a little silly.

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For Colbert/Stewart fans and curious podcast listeners alike, this episode is a delightful, revealing listen, full of quirky revelations and the kind of banter only old friends can share.

Transcript

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[Becca]

Hey, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hi, Becca. I'm very excited to do our Tuesday show. Right.

[Becca]

This is our Tuesday show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Becca]

Okay. We're doing the. We're doing a questionnaire today.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, great.

[Becca]

And you have to give me permission to do this, but I'm gonna pull your arm and make you do it. So we all know that you keep saying that at the end of the run, you're gonna do the Colbert questionnaire. And I respect that and I enjoy that. I'm looking forward to hearing what your answers are. But there are four questions that have long since been retired from the questionnaire.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, well, this is fair.

[Becca]

Can we do it on the podcast?

[Stephen Colbert]

We can do it on the podcast. I don't remember what they are Oh, I know what one of them is. I know what one of them is.

[Becca]

Okay, go ahead, Go do it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, what is the most used app on my phone?

[Becca]

Yes. And I think I know what it is.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, the most frequently used app on my phone, I don't actually even consider really an app, which is the podcast app.

[Becca]

Oh, wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because you can get that, you can get that in various places, but it's probably marine traffic.

[Becca]

That's what I was gonna say. I love marine traffic and your love for it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Marine Traffic, for people who don't know, is an app that tracks the location, name, vessel type, gross tonnage, present speed, or at Anchorage, last port of call, destination, if that's been filed, and country that the vessel is flagged in. You know, Liberia, probably. And it also, this is if the boat has a AIs transponder. That's the type of transponder it has to have. And it's so fun. Like right now, if I wanted to, I've got my phone turned off right now because we're recording this, but I could pop it up and say, hey, who's going through the Strait of Hormuz right now? Because nobody, by the way.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, it's, it's fascinating. You can see all those ships bunched up.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You in the, in the Gulf, in the Raven Gulf, and, and then nothing around the strait.

[Becca]

You've really turned me onto this app in a huge way. And I've become a missionary for it. I'm at the beach, I'm on a ferry, I'm pulling out marine traffic. And you're like, oh, that boat. I can find out and kind of find out who owns it if you Google it. If it's a fancy looking boat.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure.

[Becca]

It's awesome. Great app.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Becca]

Okay. Great app. Okay, next.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's how I found out. I was once at sea, out of range of the Internet. So I wasn't able to use marine traffic out there. We were in what we'll call the Windward Passage, which is between Cuba and Hispaniola, between Cuba and Haiti.

[Becca]

Oh, wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

And we were becalmed. Even though it's the Windward Passage, we were becalmed. We were in this race from Lauderdale down to Montego Bay. And you would think so. It was a disaster. It was storms, storm storms. Except for like one afternoon, it was storms. Tabletop flat sea, no wind. And we're sitting there in the storms like our refrigerator given out, our food was rotting. We're a little worried about the water situation on the boat. We still got a couple days of sailing to do. And we see this boat sailing from the distance. Like, how are they sailing? That's a sailboat. How do they have wind and we don't have wind? And then we realized, oh, no, those masts were just so big that they looked like sails. They were so thick. And as it came close, it came really close to us. And then we're trying to hail it, and it's not responding to us trying to hail it over the. And then, I don't know, a couple hundred yards off our stern, it makes a hard tack to port. And we see the side of. It's this beautiful. Looks like it just came out of its, you know, manufacturing slip, the boatyard. The side is so clean. It's like the foam on the side looks like a pattern painted on the side. And there's no one on deck. It looks like it's 300ft long.

[Becca]

Oh, wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Gorgeous, Gorgeous mask. Sails are all furled. And there's a lady on the back in that sort of like, I'm in a one piece peach bathing suit with a little silky kind of wrap around the waist tied. And a big. And a big hat. And a big hat. And she's leaning on the rail and we're like, waving. We're just like. We were like, could you sell us ice? We'll buy ice. Or like that. No, nothing. Just keep on going. But I saw the name of the vessel as it left, and the name of the vessel was Vertigo. And as soon as I got to port, I popped open marine traffic. And I'm like, who owns that boat? Who did not stop to help someone who was signaling them not in mortal distress, but like, hey, we could use some help here.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Rupert Murdoch. Whoa. And I think that was Jerry hall on the back.

[Becca]

Oh, my God.

[Stephen Colbert]

Isn't that fun? That's beautiful vessel. Man's got great taste. Anyway, Marine Traffic highly recommend it. Spring for the premium.

[Becca]

Okay. Oh, okay, we'll do. We'll do. That's. And we'll get that sponsored. Okay. Exercise. Is it worth it? We're back to question retired questions from the questionnaire.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is exercise worth it? Yes, it is. I think it is.

[Becca]

Yeah. It feels good when you.

[Stephen Colbert]

It feels good when you're doing it. I mean, it feels good when it's over. Sometimes when you're doing it. Never right before you do it.

[Becca]

No, no, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Unless you've just, like, made a deal with yourself, like, this is my life now. And then you go to do it, and then that's When. Usually when it sucks the most. When you thought you were going to like it. Yeah, exactly. But if you know you're not gonna like it, then the amount you dislike it is not as much as you had feared.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I would recommend going into all exercise highly reluctantly.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cause then however much you dislike it is not as much as you had placed on your disgust of it. And then when it's over, you feel great and you go, I do this all the time. This is what I do now.

[Becca]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I just do this now. Every time I get, like, on a peloton, I'm like, I'm gonna get like, shorts. You know what I mean? I'm getting the bottle. I'm gonna get like the tight jacket and everything. I might actually road ride. I might actually get to like, you know, I might actually like. This might be my life now. That's how I feel every time I do it. Because I like walking around those clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack shoes.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Like, they're super unbalanced tap shoes. And. And then. And then I don't. But it's. It's so worth it. You feel so much better. Obviously, if there was a pill that gave you what exercise did, every doctor would prescribe it to every patient, no matter what their present condition was. And so, of course it's worth. Of course it's worth doing. Many things are worth doing.

[Becca]

And you know what else? Even you deserve those shorts. You know, you should buy those shorts.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Yeah, Maybe I have. Maybe. Maybe now that I'm not doing a

[Becca]

show every day, I'm gonna get swole. I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

I might get. I might actually. My shoulders might creep wider than my hips. Not a V, but at least like an L or an I. Jim is job now.

[Becca]

Jim his job.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim his job.

[Becca]

Okay, next question. I think I know the answer based on how you phrase the question. Flat or sparkling?

[Stephen Colbert]

Sparkling.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean.

[Becca]

Cause you wouldn't flat. You'd say still or sparkling if you. You know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right, right, right. Flat or sparkling. Yeah, yeah. But even still or sparkling makes it sound better. But I'd still go sparkling because, hey, man, every moment can be a party.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know what I mean? And if I have the sparkling water, I might not drink as much alcohol. Cause I'm like, I'm getting kind of my fun there. I'm getting my spicy tongue.

[Becca]

Specialty beverage from the.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, it is specialty beverage. Exactly. You squeeze a little lemon in there, something like that. A couple shots of bitters yeah. Come on. You're halfway to a cocktail right there.

[Becca]

That's the secret to success in my mind, is to treat yourself to one specialty beverage every day, even if it's just a seltzer in a.

[Stephen Colbert]

One specialty beverage a day?

[Becca]

Yeah, one specialty beverage. But again, a specialty beverage could just be a seltzer or, like, you put a cover in your water.

[Stephen Colbert]

Diet Coke. So it's water. Is coffee a specialty beverage?

[Becca]

Yeah, if it's, like, sort of a different kind of coffee.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, just, like, coffee, like, normal. Like coffee with milk. Is that a special beverage, or is that medicine? I feel like that's a defib.

[Becca]

That's kind of normal.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, that's normal. That drip is normal. So. But if it's an espresso beverage, that's different.

[Becca]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. And then the rest of it is water.

[Becca]

Okay. I'm sorry. This is your questionnaire.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, no, no. This is a teamwork.

[Becca]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

I always. I jump in. Yeah, I jump in sometimes. Usually just on apples or oranges, but let's not get into that.

[Becca]

Yeah. Okay. This is the last one. What's one thing you own that you should really throw out? A great question, by the way.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, my God. Wish Evie were here. She can answer that question. I should really throw out. I have a can of sausage. Have you seen my can of sausage?

[Becca]

Oh, I know about the. Yes, tell the story.

[Stephen Colbert]

I have a can of sausage that I remember from my childhood. This can of sausage. It's called Bell sausage, and I think Bell still exists as a company. Bell sausage. And I've got this can from. I'm gonna say mid-70s, if not early-70s. I remember it in my childhood as a can that was always in my mom's pantry. And it's not that big. It's, like, not the size of, like, a cranberry sauce can, but get in there. And on the front of it has a picture that 70s kind of yellowing photography. It has a picture of bell sausage, which is basically just clearly just like a tube of sausage that you cut into patties and then fry up. And it's shown with, like, one fried egg in the center and, like, six slices of Bell sausage around it, fried on a bed of lettuce also, somehow. And then it says, serve as indicated. It does not say serving suggestions. There's no options here. No one wants your opinion about how to serve this sausage. It just says, serve as indicated. And anyway, I remember the sausage as a child, and then I went off to college, and after I graduated from college, I stayed In Chicago and had no money, like, nothing. I worked. I was a bad. I had a bad job waiting tables. I wasn't a bad waiter, but I had a bad waiting job because I only work lunches because I wanted my nights free to be able to go improvise. And you can't make any. You can't live doing lunches. And so I had no money. My mom would send me, like, she'd go to Costco and she'd buy like a raft of ramen and send it to me. And in one of these boxes of ramen that she sent, and there weren't a million of them, but she decided to clear out her pantry. And she sent me all kinds of stuff. And she sent me this can of bell sausage. And I was surprised at the time that it had survived. And you understand that is 40 years ago now that she sent it to me. And I have kept it. And I have kept it. I kept it. I put it in my pantry. And it kind of is my mom, if you know what I mean. It's my mom's. Well intentioned but poorly informed attempt to feed me. And so I've kept it all these years. And at a certain point, Evie says it has to leave the house. And so I brought her to my office at the Colbert Report. And it's been sitting. It was on my desk for years at a certain point, and I don't know what changed, it started to swell. And so the end started to budge so it wouldn't sit true anymore. It kind of rocked back and forth. I think we got a couple of pieces of tape on the bottom. Oh, no. What happened is the top started to leak. It started to like, fizz and leak a little bit. And then the bottom. The bottom of the can went and went back up. So it sits true again.

[Becca]

It's a science experiment.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. And so anyway, I still have it, and it's still on my bookshelf in my office. And I don't know, maybe I should auction it for charity.

[Becca]

No, you gotta keep that.

[Stephen Colbert]

But that's really. It really should go. You know what I mean?

[Becca]

It should go chemically.

[Stephen Colbert]

Chemically, but emotionally, no, emotionally, I can't get rid of it. But what are my children. You can't burden your children with? It's literally gonna be like an 80 year old can of sausage by the time I die.

[Becca]

Coat it in some kind of embalming.

[Stephen Colbert]

I could put in like an epoxy, like one of those plexiglass blocks, you know what I mean? Those clear epoxy blocks. I'll say one thing is that I was actually going to talk to the cold team today, the people who do the cold opening of the show. And as I was walking in right outside their office. Have you seen that Roman armor that's on that Roman armor? So this leather Roman armor. And I grabbed the horsehair crested helmet and I put it on my head, and I walked in to take the pitches from of the cold team dressed as a Roman general or something, and I thought, what am I gonna do with this? Like, this was made for me during the cold. A lot of things were made for me during the Colbert Report. And this has got like a medallion on the leather chest piece that is my head struck on a coin in the medallion. Everything. It's all part of that cult of personality associated with the Colbert pour. I think I should give that away. Or maybe we auction that off because there's so many things like, what do you. None of this stuff. I mean, I'm very grateful for the people who wanted to play games with us, but really, that's the great thing about anybody sends you anything, it's not so much as a gift for you as that they played the game of your show. That's it. It was like, it was the interactive before there was interactive. Like they played the game of the show, and a lot of people played the game of that character. And I've got so much of that stuff that I still love, but I've got no reason to keep any of it unless I'm gonna open the Stephen Colbert Museum and gift shop. I mean, which we did in Colbert County, Alabama, during the old show, which is also the home of Helen Keller.

[Becca]

Oh, wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

And up till then, the most famous thing was the Helen Keller Museum with gift shop or the house, whatever, like that.

[Becca]

Oh, my God, you can't.

[Stephen Colbert]

We opened it in competition. We got the Helen Keller girl to come over to my museum. And Paul Danello, who's one of our producers here and writer, used to play a guy named Tad, the building manager on the old show. And he went there to open a new thing, and he had her spell out Colbert in his hand like water, like, you know, from the Miracle worker. It was very strange, and the audience enjoyed it and the crowd applauded down in Colbert County, Alabama.

[Becca]

Amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

I remember that we used. When we presented it, we used Sweet Home Alabama as the theme song to the whole piece. And after it was over, I said, that's great. How do we get the rights to Sweet Home Alabama? And the producer goes, I'm sorry, the what? We flirted with the devil on that show. So. Because we didn't know we had never produced one of these before. We didn't know you had to go get rights, you know, to sexy back. I just wanted to dance. So anyway, that's something. I mean, there's so many other stuff I should give away.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're doing it with the Home Shopping Network. You know, get on the ebay. Get on the ebay and try to buy something for your loved ones.

[Stephen Colbert]

I just think we need to get a little more aggressive about it.

[Becca]

Yeah, yeah. Well, spring cleaning. Yep, we're gonna do it. Okay, so those are Stephen's answers.

[Stephen Colbert]

Those are four.

[Becca]

Those are the four answers to the retired questions. We're gonna play a questionnaire now. This is Jon Stewart on the Late show. Pod show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jon Stewart's here, everybody. I love my friend and you are my friend. You know, I love talking to it. We've known each other for many years.

[Jon Stewart]

Many.

[Stephen Colbert]

But here's the thing is that, yes, human interaction in the real world is nice, but to truly know someone, you have to interview them on a talk show. That's when they're most revelatory.

[Jon Stewart]

You and I have spent many hours talking on the phone person over meals. But do we really know anything about each other? I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

So what we've done here is that I'm going to give you the Colbert questionnaire, at the end of which you will be fully known. Are you prepared to be revealed?

[Jon Stewart]

Open book, Stephen. Open book.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's see. Here we go. John. All right, first question of the Colbert questionnaire. Brace yourself, John Stewart.

[Jon Stewart]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the best sandwich?

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, jeez. I mean, that's, you know, we're not playing.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're not playing here, John.

[Jon Stewart]

So. So you can't answer that question in terms of a particular sandwich. It has everything to do with. The best sandwich is one that understands the bread to ingredient ratio and. And does not. So I can't.

[Stephen Colbert]

You can't do a hoagie?

[Jon Stewart]

Can't do a hoagie. Are you in America? Of course you can do a hoagie.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know. There's a lot of. That's a big bun, man.

[Jon Stewart]

It's not a big. Stephen. Have you had a sandwich? What kind of.

[Stephen Colbert]

I've had a few.

[Jon Stewart]

Okay.

[Becca]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

Whether it be a po boy or a hoagie or a Kaiser or something on Muffalata, it doesn't matter. What matters is the ratio of ingredient to bread and the addition of your liquidity, whether it be a condiment or

[Stephen Colbert]

a pickle, let's say.

[Jon Stewart]

Well, a pickle is a tremendous. I mean, that's a bold addition. It's. What's nice about the pickle.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Jon Stewart]

Is you're getting a flavor addition, but also a textural jolt, if you will, that breaks in. So. So what happens is your mouth comes through the bread, generally fresh, somewhat soft. So in your mind, you're like, oh, I've got this. Sure. But then you hit that mother pickle and you. And it's, hello, I want in. And you got to really work. And when you get through, it bursts, and you just. So what was the question?

[Stephen Colbert]

Question two.

[Jon Stewart]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the percentage? Can you give a percentage of bread to ingredient?

[Jon Stewart]

Yes. So it's gotta be. I think your range is 65 to 75%. Ingredient.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is correct. This is correct. What's the one thing you own that you really should throw out?

[Jon Stewart]

Everything I wear.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the scariest animal?

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, okay, this is interesting. Scariest animal.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

So it's got to be an animal. It's got to be land animal. Can't be something from the sea.

[Stephen Colbert]

What? Animals in the sea are still animals, John?

[Jon Stewart]

No, they're not.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're not robots.

[Jon Stewart]

They're fish.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, they're not. Fish are animals. No, I don't think fish are animals. Are fish animals? The people have spoken.

[Jon Stewart]

I disagree.

[Stephen Colbert]

So a shark is not scary.

[Jon Stewart]

No, it is, because. So here's the problem with the shark and here's the problem with fish in general. It's the medium in which they travel, because everything is scary when you have no visibility. You know what I just realized? I'm just a crazy old man off the street.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, so let's. I'll buy.

[Jon Stewart]

I got a. I got a. I got a glimpse of me on the camera, and all of a sudden I was like, didn't I give that guy money the other day, Alex, Right outside of the West 3rd street subway station.

[Stephen Colbert]

So, land animal, what is the scariest animal? I ask you, sir, at long last, will you not answer my question? What is the scariest animal? Jon Stewart, all the time. I've given you a lot of time,

[Jon Stewart]

I'm gonna say cat.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just a cat. A cat. Not a tiger. A cat. And why is it terrifying?

[Jon Stewart]

Because the tiger is not in your house. The cat is a killing machine.

[Stephen Colbert]

I forgot. The premise of this question is that you never leave your house. So nothing can be terrifying to you unless it's actually inside.

[Jon Stewart]

That's correct.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Jon Stewart]

And I would never let a. A tiger or a panther in the house. It's what I've said to my wife. My wife, animal rescue loves the animals. Animals. But I have drawn the line at predators. She'll, oh, we need to rescue a sheep or a goat or a pig. That's fine. I'm waiting to come home one day and be like, there's a puma in the garage. So that's disallowed.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, so.

[Jon Stewart]

But cat killing machine. And it will murder all over the neighborhood. And it will bring it to you and put it on your bed as if to say, you better keep feeding me or I will rip you to shreds.

[Stephen Colbert]

Got it.

[Jon Stewart]

Cats, let me say this. And these people know. These people aren't fools. They know the cat isn't scared. I said it. And it was a Laughter of wreckage.

[Stephen Colbert]

When we come back, Jon Stewart tells us what song he'd listen to for the rest of his life. Welcome back, everybody. And now the dramatic conclusion of the Colbert questionnaire with my friend, Mr. Jon Stewart. Apples or oranges?

[Jon Stewart]

Apples.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. Correct answer. Can't put peanut butter on an orange. What do you think happens when we die?

[Jon Stewart]

Uh, very little. I mean, I mean, if here's what I would say and I would say this was happening, wouldn't you move? But you don't. So clearly there's nothing going on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Favorite action movie.

[Jon Stewart]

I'm not a favorite movie guy.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's a lot of responsibility. Taking the questionnaire.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, God. Finding Nemo.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's an action movie. I know action movie.

[Jon Stewart]

It is an action movie.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

I don't. I'm gonna.

[Stephen Colbert]

You can go with Finding Nemo.

[Jon Stewart]

Define action movie.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because action movie, generally speaking, something explodes in an action movie.

[Jon Stewart]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or someone falls from a great height or there doesn't have to be gunplay because sword.

[Jon Stewart]

Can I tell you something?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Jon Stewart]

The movie you're talking about right now sounds very good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you have a favorite smell?

[Jon Stewart]

The beach. Beach.

[Stephen Colbert]

Beach. Okay. Least favorite smell.

[Jon Stewart]

Some of the things you find on the beach.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exercise.

[Jon Stewart]

That's, by the way, New Jersey based question.

[Stephen Colbert]

Got it. That's resonating with you. That's resonating with this crowd. The laughter of recognition exercise. Is it worth it?

[Jon Stewart]

Please.

[Stephen Colbert]

Flat or sparkling?

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, flat.

[Stephen Colbert]

What?

[Jon Stewart]

Flat. What? Sort of unholy. Why would you ever aerate a beverage? Why would you ever condense bubbles? Oh, this is delicious and very refreshing. You know what? Let's just, I don't know, aerate it. What else do you do that you consume that you aerate do you put bubbles in anything else?

[Stephen Colbert]

Marshmallows.

[Jon Stewart]

You aerate marshmallows.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're just air. They're mostly like foam. Yeah, they're.

[Jon Stewart]

But they're made that way.

[Stephen Colbert]

You don't put air in there.

[Becca]

They're whipping.

[Stephen Colbert]

A meringue is mostly air. You aerate it. You have to put air. Have you ever. Listen to me. Listen to me. Have you ever whipped egg whites, my friend?

[Jon Stewart]

Ooh, sorry, Ms. Julia Child. I have not. Hey, I didn't know this was gonna be on your test. Have you ever made meringue? I bet you didn't ask Tom Hannah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Next time, I promise you. Next time I'll ask Hanks if you've ever made meringue. Okay. What's the most.

[Jon Stewart]

Flat water is.

[Stephen Colbert]

Correct. Flat water is. Well, it is your choice. What is the most used flat water or. Hey, who's all. Who's for flat? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Becca]

Ready?

[Stephen Colbert]

Flat sparkling.

[Jon Stewart]

Can I tell you something? Yeah. It's not that it was more people. It's all that excess air, and they ingest it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Could be. Could be.

[Jon Stewart]

And then when they yell it, it comes out.

[Stephen Colbert]

Next question. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, dear God. Why would you even. That's just an impossible.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know. It's not me. It's the lab. I wouldn't ask you this, but they say I have to.

[Jon Stewart]

This is a torturous. That's question. Doesn't. Shouldn't be a question. It's a. It's. It's a question that can bring only sadness.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ringo. I asked Ringo. Ringo said come together.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, interesting. One of his own songs. Oh, you know what? Yeah. The. The song that I want to listen to is the meringue song, and I just wrote it, and it goes like this. Whip those eggies, baby.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. You got to give. You got to at least give me an artist.

[Jon Stewart]

I. I mean, I'd go Springsteen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Surprising. I didn't expect that. That was out of left field. What? Any particular Springsteen song?

[Jon Stewart]

I'm gonna go Lost in the Flood. Yeah. Deep cut.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right.

[Jon Stewart]

I'm gonna go Lost in the Flood.

[Stephen Colbert]

Done.

[Jon Stewart]

Land of hope and Dreams. Lost in the Flood.

[Stephen Colbert]

What number am I thinking of?

[Jon Stewart]

Born to run. Jungle Land. I'm gonna go with Jungle Land.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jungle Land.

[Jon Stewart]

Okay. Thunder Road.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thunder Road.

[Jon Stewart]

Rosalita.

[Stephen Colbert]

Rosalita. I'm gonna go with Losalita is. What number am I thinking of?

[Jon Stewart]

Whatever number it is. In the time that you are gonna have to stay late to Edison.

[Stephen Colbert]

Infinity. Infinity. Then infinity is the number you're thinking of. Describe the rest of your life in

[Jon Stewart]

five words, hopefully quite, quite, quite long.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jon Stewart, you are known. Congratulations. We'll be right back. Jon Stewart, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

[Ross]

Spring just slid into your DMs.

[Stephen Colbert]

Grab that boho.

[Becca]

Look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you.

[Ross]

And hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling, Ross. Work your magic.

[Columbia Brand Representative]

You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your [e-mail] to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia, engineered for whatever.