Transcript
Stephen Colbert (0:00)
Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift, well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch limited time,
Commercial Announcer (0:20)
50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required $45 for three months, $90 for six month or $180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy see terms why have I asked my H Vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? I was so amazed at how he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube.
Stephen Colbert (0:39)
I think we should call a Dr. Angie. The one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home projects@angie.com. Welcome one and all in here out there, Mr. And Mrs. America and all the ships at sea to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Right off the bat, right off the
Teyana Taylor (1:00)
bean,
Stephen Colbert (1:02)
right off the top, I have some shocking news. It is Wednesday, which can't possibly be true because I definitely watched the President speak for at least three days last night. We're still all recovering from the President's bramble ramble brain jamble. But the reviews are in and they are the bad. The New York Times said it was a tedious and tiresome performance. The Atlantic said the State of the Union revealed a sad reality. And Jeffrey Epstein said I almost died from boredom.
Teyana Taylor (1:34)
Oops.
Stephen Colbert (1:34)
I mean, I'm already dead. Don't look into it. I found the. I found the speech both boring and disturbing or dissorbing. And the people agreed with a poll showing it was the least popular State of the Union speech this century. And that includes 2006 when George W. Bush used his time to explain the rules of settlers of Catan but never actually let you play it. So now if we roll a 12, we all get wood. The only people who liked the speech were the thirstiest Trump butt kissers. Congressman Chip Roy said the President delivered a home run State of the Union. Conservative pundit Charles Gasparino said trump is a colossus. And Jeffrey Epstein said, nope, uh, not falling for it twice. I'm dead. Speaking of which, you can, you can tell he must be dead because he's snoring now. Speaking of which, one thing Trump did not mention in his two hour hockey humping, immigrant grumbling jamboree was anything about the Epstein files. Now, it is well known that big, incriminating stuff has been redacted from what Pam Bondi released, and yesterday we got confirmation the DOJ has withheld or taken down more than 50 pages of material from the Epstein files related to Donald Trump. And it's totally. Yes, yes. And it's totally on brand for the doj, this doj, especially, to be protecting Trump. It's the least surprising headline since youngest child becomes Theater Major. Now, any youngest child. Any youngest children out there? No. Okay. Now, we don't know exactly what's in there or if it's true. And whatever it is, Trump denies any wrongdoing. But it's weird that these files specifically are missing because the law prohibits redacting anything on the basis of embarrassment or reputational harm. And according to the New York Times, the missing files are FBI memos summarizing interviews they did in connection to claims made in 2019 by a woman who alleged she had been sexually assaulted by both Trump and Epstein when she was 13 to 15. 15 years old. Holy unholy. This would be the worst scandal in presidential history. That the files are missing should be the biggest story in the world. But we're all so exhausted and worn down by this turd and a tie that when a bombshell like this comes along, we go, oh, that's terrible. I wonder if that baby monkey made friends yet. So. Baby monkey friends yet? He is. He is fine. Okay. He's fine. He's good. Now, there might be way more that we don't even know about, because the UK newspaper, the Telegraph, is now reporting that Epstein hit secret files in storage units across the US and we actually. Is this true? We actually have footage of the moment someone opened one of Epstein's secret storage units. Oh, boy. Okay, here's what they're reporting. Starting in 2003, Epstein rented six lockers in different states and then paid private detectives to remove equipment from his home in an apparent attempt to thwart investigators. That's gonna be a wild gig for those PIs. So this fellow walks into my office, he's got a mug that would peel the nonstick coating off a frying pan. Irish fella. Said his name was Pete. Pete o'. File. Now even crazier. Thank you. Thank you. Really? An actor. Primarily an actor Prime. A thespian, trotting the boards. Even crazier. For some reason, the same people who lost those 50 pages of Trump accusations never executed any warrant to search the storage lockers, even though, according to the Telegraph, the units contain things like three Brookstone massagers. Congratulations, Brookstone. There's no such thing as bad publicity. You know their slogan. Jeffrey Epstein had three of these. The list goes on and on. In one unit in, Epstein had an annual guide to New York city erotica and 11 boxes containing sex toys. Okay, one box is fine. Two boxes, sure. One for travel, one for home. But 11 boxes. Some of that's gotta go to Goodwill. Okay, Just Marie Conduit. You can't tell me all of them. Spark joy. There's also some strange news coming out of the Department of Homeland Security, because according to multiple law enforcement sources, Kristi Noem repeatedly claimed ICE deported a cannibal. It was completely made up. So now she's writing Immigrant Cannibal fanfic. We all know how the story ends. The cannibal has sex with Hermione and Captain Kirk. Noem's lies started last June. So approximately three faces ago. Noem was trying to defend. Noam. Was trying to defend ICE Detention Center. The one in Florida. Alligator, Alcatraz. When she told this story on the Fox News.