The Worst Of The Late Show

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: The Worst Of The Late Show
Air Date: May 19, 2026
Host: Stephen Colbert
Theme: A Hilariously Honest Look Back at the “Worst” Never-Aired and Most Regrettable Moments from 11 Years of The Late Show

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Episode Overview

On this special episode, Stephen Colbert and his entire staff gather to bid a playful farewell in the show's final week by sharing a medley of unseen sketches, abandoned field pieces, and regrettable bits — essentially “the best of the worst” from nearly 1,800 episodes over 11 years. With only staff in the audience, Colbert leans into behind-the-scenes camaraderie and hardcore self-deprecation to celebrate the creative misfires, embarrassing ideas, and hilarious inside jokes that never made it on air (with a few exceptions). The episode deftly mixes heartfelt goodbyes, sharp wit, and absurdist sketches, making for a comedic tribute to failure, experimentation, and the people who made it all happen.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

Introduction: The Staff-Only Farewell Party

[01:12–02:43]

• Colbert notes this is the final week of the show and hints at a more relaxed, self-reflective tone.
• Instead of a traditional "best of," the team opts for "the worst of The Late Show,” featuring bits never aired because “they weren’t great—just the best of the worst.”
• The live audience consists exclusively of the show’s staff: “Everyone in this theater works on my staff. Say hi, everybody.”—Stephen Colbert [02:41]
• Running inside joke about Colbert rewarding staffers with steamed chicken, including union-mandated one-slice for Lewis—“That one slice of chicken is union mandated.”

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Behind the Bit: When Good Ideas Go Wrong

2016 Election Night & the “Scrub the Butts” Incident [03:38–04:53]

• Colbert recounts a live election night special where they prepped for a Clinton win with nearly-naked male models sporting “I’m With Her” painted on their butts, only to hurriedly repaint to “We’re [ ]” as results changed.
• “Our co-executive producer was backstage screaming into his headset, ‘scrub the butts, scrub the butts!’” (Colbert, [04:49])
• Michael Cruz Kane delivers the epitaph: “That night, even the butts cried.” [04:49]

The “Erotic Body Gravy” Sketch & Burst Appendix [05:04–06:15]

• Colbert confesses to letting a Thanksgiving sketch about “post-Thanksgiving dinner sex gravy” go too far, with “actors way too attractive for comedy,” calling it “softcore gravy porn.” [05:04]
• Plays his pain-wracked rehearsal reaction, later discovered his appendix had burst: “At that point, I was producing my own body gravy.” [06:00]

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Never-Aired Field Pieces & Uninformed Correspondents

The Six Flags Roller-Coaster Interviews [06:15–07:43]

• Colbert describes early interviews done on a rollercoaster, including a previously unaired bit with Zephyr Teachout explaining Citizens United:
  • Zephyr Teachout: “Our entire democracy [is undermined] by refusing to allow Congress and state governments to fight against corruption.” [07:27]

Bootsy Plunkett: The Uninformed Correspondent (Jake Plunkett’s Mom) [09:22–11:00]

• Bootsy made uninformative field pieces—never-aired bits included interviewing Paul Krugman about inflation and interviewing Tom Perez in a haunted house (in night vision):
  • “I gotta ask him about healthcare. My daughter has pre existing conditions.”—Bootsy [10:39]

Writers’ Fool’s Errands & Abandoned Field Segments [11:00–12:43]

• Emmy Blotnick asked demonstrators at a pugs-for-Trump protest, “What do you think Trump sounds like when he has sex?” (cue staff groans) [11:27]
• Eliana Courtler's '90s convention field piece was fully edited but never aired: “at the last minute we realized it was not good.”
• Chicago 2024 DNC visit: travels, hanging out with Paul Dinello, and eating on the cheap—interrupted by a rough, unpolished cut with the producer's scratch voiceover.

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Reminiscing: The Chicago Years with Paul Dinello

[13:24–16:40]

• Steph reminisces about his first Chicago apartment and late-night haunts, recalling youthful poverty and hot dog dinners:
  • “We had less than no money … One night it was you and me and his girlfriend Amy … all the money we had out of our pockets, three dollars, Amy snatched … and made avgo lemono soup. That’s how little money we had.” [15:33]
• A running joke about paying bar tabs with pennies ("That still legal?" / "Yep!") [16:13]

Note: Colbert admits they accidentally aired the wrong edit of this segment, declaring, “But you know what? That’s in the spirit of Worst Of … just let it roll worse.” [18:50]

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The Lowest of the Lows: The Shriek and Joe Saga

[18:50–23:45]

• Colbert spotlights the character "Shriek and Joe," a failed hard-rock parody—“a tribute to both Kid Rock and Ted Nugent"—that consistently tanked ratings.
  • (“Here is an actual graph of the minute by minute ratings when Joe appeared on screen … Shriek and Joe plus TV bad.”) [20:18]
• Notable exchange:
  • Shriek and Joe: “That thing dropped faster than my pants at Barnes and Noble. Ladies Night. Beat the charges.” [21:47]
  • Colbert (reading from the CBS executive): "I have never before seen [ratings] take such an absolute and utter nose dive within moments of a character coming out." [22:08]
• The segment climaxes with Shriek and Joe introducing his daughter, "Shrieking Jane," and a barrage of crude jokes.

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Rejected Songs & the “It’s Raining Fish” Debacle

[24:05–29:04]

• Writer Michael Cruz Kane pitches for the fifth time his rejected song parody, “It’s Raining Fish,” referencing a 2021 event where fish fell from the sky in Texarkana.
  • Colbert: “You wanted me to sing a three and half minute parody song about fish?” [26:24]
  • The team performs the song full-out (with Paul Shaefer, Letterman’s bandleader):
    • “Tonight for the first time, God’s gonna grant your wish / For the first time in history it’s gonna start raining fish!” [26:57–28:50]
• Colbert deadpans: “We cannot put that on the show.” [29:04]

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Farewell & Gratitude: A Touching Tribute to the Team

[29:04–32:40]

• Colbert gives a heartfelt speech honoring executive producer and showrunner Tom Purcell, sharing the “Nightly Toms” (a collection of Purcell’s nightly news summaries and jokes sent from 2009 to present).
  • Colbert: “This man right here, my brother… he is the heart behind my heart and the mind behind my mind. And I love you and thank you for all these years.” [32:36]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “We definitely have enough material for a best of clip show. But y'all got YouTube. You do it.”
  —Stephen Colbert [02:06]

• “That night, even the butts cried.”—Michael Cruz Kane [04:49]

• “Our staff, they are not clapping for me because I pay them. Because, Sue, I will not.”—Colbert [02:43]

• “I let them watch me eat steamed chicken … Lewis always comes over and takes one piece. Never the largest piece, because that's the kind of guy he is.”
  —Stephen Colbert [02:43]

• “I spent a lot of time in this room worrying. I'm surprised they were able to hose out the anxiety I had in this apartment. Just staring out this window going, how will I make rent? What have I done? Why didn't I go to law school?”
  —Stephen Colbert [15:06]

• “If you knew Matt, you knew how important it is to him to get in one more ass. And that’s the cleanest it’s ever been.”
  —Stephen Colbert [04:53]

• Colbert on Bootsy Plunkett: “Sadly, now that the show's ending, Jake's gonna have to torture his mom for free.” [11:00]

• Regarding the Shriek and Joe debacle:
  Colbert: “If you thought that was good TV, you are alone...” [20:18]

• Colbert’s tribute to Tom Purcell:
  “We met in 1988 in Chicago, and he is the heart behind my heart and the mind behind my mind. And I love you and thank you for all these years.” [32:36]

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Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Staff-Only Audience Banter & Steamed Chicken Ritual [02:41–03:10]
• Live-Production Fails: “Scrub the Butts” [04:20–04:49]
• Appendix Burst During Absurd “Erotic Body Gravy” Sketch [05:40–06:15]
• Unseen Zephyr Teachout Rollercoaster Interview [06:15–07:43]
• Bootsy Plunkett’s Haunted House Interview [10:39–11:00]
• Failed Shriek and Joe Sketch Brings Ratings Freefall [20:11–22:42]
• The “It’s Raining Fish” Parody Song with Paul Shaefer [26:57–29:04]
• Heartfelt Farewell to Tom Purcell and Staff Acknowledgments [29:04–32:40]

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Conclusion

The “Worst Of” episode delivers genuine laughs, affectionate roasts, and behind-the-scenes intimacy. Colbert and his team embrace the beauty of failed ambition, inside jokes, and collaborative effort that defined The Late Show’s historic run. The result is both a raucous hour of meta-comedy and a loving sendoff to the people and creative chaos that made it all possible.

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Recommended Segments to Skip To:

• “Scrub the Butts” Story — [03:38–04:53]
• “Erotic Body Gravy” Sketch / Burst Appendix — [05:04–06:15]
• The “It’s Raining Fish” Song — [26:57–29:04]
• Farewell to Tom Purcell — [29:04–32:40]

Transcript

[Announcer]

Parle tu francais habla sepanol.

[Stephen Colbert]

Parle italiano.

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[Stephen Colbert]

Sit down. We gotta go.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Sit down.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Please.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Thank you, Paul.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Sit down.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sit down. The down. Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. And this is. This is the final week of our show. There's so many important things going on in the world, but a lot of that stuff's a drag. So I'm just gonna. Go over here. Cause here's the deal. This one. We thought we might just take it a little easy tonight. Cause we've been doing this show for almost 11 years. Yeah. Almost 1800 shows at this point. More than 18. More than 18.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

And we definitely have enough material for a best of clip show. But y' all got YouTube. You do it. We thought this is just us thinking this is how we think. We thought it would be more fun to show you stuff we've made but never aired and call it the worst of of the Late Show. Though technically what you're about to see is still the best worst stuff we ever made. Still not great. And we have the perfect live audience for it. The people who made it. That's right. Everyone in this theater works on my staff say Hi, everybody.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

There you go.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I want to assure you they are not clapping for me because I pay them. Because, Sue, I will not. For all the viewers at home, this is how we rehearse the show every day. I get on stage in the suit and the makeup, and my staff watches me do jokes. Sometimes they laugh. They give me their feedback. And as a special treat, I let them watch me eat steamed chicken. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. What do we got? What do we got today? Oh. Oh, it's steamed chicken. Hey, there we go. Lewis, come on, man. You in? I can't say no to you. You in? It's a tradition. Lewis always comes over and takes one piece of the steamed chicken. Never the largest piece, because that's the kind of guy he is. I mean, you know me. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yep, that one slice of chicken is union mandated. So why do we have all this stuff that never made it to air? Lot of reasons. For one, sometimes the world just doesn't cooperate. Like during the 2016 presidential election, we were doing a live special on Showtime and no commercial breaks. And as the results started to come in, it became clear that we had planned for a different outcome. We were so sure that the New York Times prediction needle was right. We hired a bunch of naked male models with the words I'm with her painted on their full, plump butts. Sadly, all of those models had to be put down. But first we tried to save the bit. And as the outcome became clear, we repainted their butts to say we're and between those two butt bits. And this is totally true, our co executive producer, Matt Lapman was backstage screaming into his headset, scrub the butts. Right, Matt? Is that right? That's right. It was more like scrub the butts. Scrub the butts.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That night, even the butts cried.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, if you knew Matt, you knew how important it's him to get in one more ass. And that's the cleanest it's ever been. Hard to believe, but some stuff we made is the worst without having anything to do with politics. In 2023, we produced a Thanksgiving sketch that I was pitched and agreed to, although I have no memory of doing that for a product called Erotic Body Gravy. It to be used for post Thanksgiving dinner sex. But when I watched it, I said, those actors are way too attractive for comedy. You guys ended up just making soft core gravy porn. That's as much as if you're ever gonna wanna see. I Promise you. To make matters worse, the day they played this commercial for me was just a couple days before Thanksgiving, and they played it in rehearsal. And. And unbeknownst to me at the time or anyone else, my appendix had already burst before rehearsal and was leaking poisonous bile into my abdominal cavity. Here's my actual reaction that day to screening the erotic body gravy sketch in

[Announcer]

rehearsal from the makers of small gourds with Flared Basses.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know what to do. Wow. Wow. It's hard to tell, but my pants, my fly is open because I'm in so much pain. We found out later at that point I was producing my own body gravy. Oh. Oh. In the summer of 2015, I had this idea to interview, like, really wonky guests before the show came out. I thought, let's just do wonky stuff, but let's keep it interesting. And I would interview them on the nitro roller coaster at Six Flags Great America. We showed some of these interviews, like my interview with Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman. Some of the others made it to air, but we never showed you the one where I spoke with constitutional scholar Zephyr Teachout. Until now, I thought the Constitution was a perfect document. I mean, it's written for us, it's written for. Say the first three words with me.

[Announcer]

We

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

the people.

[Stephen Colbert]

How is the Constitution being misapplied?

[Announcer]

Well, right now, the modern court has in a series of decisions, Buckley vs. Valeo and Citizens United, basically undermining our entire democracy by refusing to allow Congress and state governments to fight against corruption.

[Stephen Colbert]

We thank you, Zephyr. We eventually stopped doing that segment because shortly after, the news itself was enough to make me puke. We've got a lot more never before seen stuff for you tonight, so stick around for more of the best of the worst of the Late Show. And if you see anything you don't like, it's their fault.

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[Co-Host or Guest]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome back. Hi again. Hey, what's up, man? Hey, guys. We've done so many amazing fields on the show over the years. I've gone to Russia to find the truth behind the Steele dossier. To New Zealand to hang out with Jacinda Ardern, and Greenland to visit the brave men and women of the space force. And most harrowing of all, a New York souvenir shop with Robert De Niro. But we've also done field pieces that didn't get on for a variety of reasons ranging from I wasn't sure if America would like them to I was sure America wouldn't like them. For instance, one of our favorite friends of the show is Bootsy Plunkett. Yeah, Bootsy here. Yeah, she's the mother of my producer, Jake Plunkett. Bootsy went into the world as what we called our uninformed correspondent. And she made some really uninformative field pieces. But what you haven't seen are the times that you haven't seen her. We've never aired a piece, for instance, where Bootsy sat down with Paul Krugman to talk about inflation. Also never showed. One where she went to a movie premiere to rub elbows with celebrities. And one where she interviewed former DNC chair Tom Perez about health care inside a completely dark haunted house, which you'll be able to see because we filmed it with night vision cameras.

[Announcer]

I gotta ask him about healthcare. My daughter has pre existing conditions. Oh, my God.

[Stephen Colbert]

Touching my head.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Where are we?

[Stephen Colbert]

God bless her. Sadly, now that the show's ending, Jake's gonna have to torture his mom for free. So we also sent our writers on a variety of fool's errands that we never broadcast. Like in 2018 when our then writer, Emmy Blotnick, attended a protest against Donald Trump led by Pugs. And she asked the tough questions.

[Announcer]

What do you think Trump sounds like when he has sex?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, wow. Wow, that beat worked. But we thought we probably need more than one beat for a field piece. We also sent our writer and the late show Certified young person, Eliana courtler to a 90s, a 90s themed convention in Hartford, Connecticut. She got to dress up and then she got slimed. The piece was shot and fully edited and was slated to air. Hi, Eliana. It was slated to air, but we never did because at the last minute we realized it was not good. Lastly, in 2024, we went to Chicago for the DNC. Had an amazing visit. Wonderful town. Love those people. But we ran out of time to show everything we shot there. For instance, a piece where I spent a long, grueling day hanging out and drinking with my best friend and worst coworker, Paul Danello. Is he here? Is he here? Of course he is. Not. Damn it. Damn it. Love you, best man. I know. Wonderful person. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know people were going to be in today. Wow. I'm going to show you a rough cut of the piece now because I don't feel like talking no more. You should know it still has the scratch track of my producer Gabe Gromley's voiceover because I never recorded mine. And I'm going to go get some Welch's fruit snacks. Roll

[Co-Host or Guest]

was great to be back in Chicago. The Windy City, the city of big shoulders. The city that acts like it's normal to spend a decade studying improv. I had a free afternoon, so I headed to Old Town and stopped by one of my first apartments.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here it is. You know who else lived in this building? My old buddy Paul Danello from Strangers with candy and eggs. 57. And we rode together for many years. And he was actually the best man in my wedding. I wonder where he is these days. I'm right here. We work together every day at the Late Show. Asked and answered.

[Babbel Advertiser]

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[Co-Host or Guest]

We did not reach out ahead of time. We just rang the bell and a stranger let us up. Something we never would have done when we lived there.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's a long way up. I was a younger man then. I gotta say, I think I blew out a knee.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Hello.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hello. Hi.

[Announcer]

I'm Lainey.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nice to meet you. Is it okay I used to live here? Yeah. Can I come in? Oh, my gosh.

[Announcer]

No problem.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Thanks.

[Stephen Colbert]

There was a club called Jazz Bulls that used to be down. It was the oldest liquor license in Chicago. And you could drink till what, 4 o' clock in the morning? 4 or 5. We heard a lot of. I'm slashing your tires, Jimmy. You Jimmy.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Why don't you go off with Brenda?

[Stephen Colbert]

It was a lot of that in the Middle of the night, this wall wasn't here, right? And there's a lot less peeling paint. Back then it was an all you can eat lead buffet peeling off into our mouths while we slept.

[Co-Host or Guest]

It was exciting to see the old apartment and remember the wild, freewheeling times I had here in my 20s.

[Stephen Colbert]

I spent a lot of time in this room worrying. I'm surprised they were able to hose out the anxiety I had in this apartment. Just staring out this window going, how will I make rent? What have I done? Why didn't I go to law school?

[Co-Host or Guest]

To continue the feeling of being in our 20s, it was time to start drinking. In the afternoon, we headed to our old local, the Old Town Ale House.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

So you were here for how long before you moved out?

[Stephen Colbert]

11 years.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

We had no money when we lived

[Stephen Colbert]

here, so we didn't. We had less than no money. All I knew was hot dogs. One night it was you and me and his girlfriend Amy. And we were standing on the corner right over there. And we realized that we had no money to eat anything. So we took all the money that we had out of our pockets, the three of us. And I had these three stuff and pulled it together and Amy snatched the $3 out of my hand. She held her head, she goes, I can buy a lemon and chicken thighs. I have a bag of rice. I'll make this Avigail lemono soup. Like, we went to dinner that night and I spent the night so the morning I can have leftovers. That's how little money we had when I lived here. One of the things I love is they know this is the land of Lincoln. So you could pay for anything with pennies. Like the law was people had to accept pennies as payment. Does that still do? Yeah, still. Really? Yeah, still works. What do we owe you for this?

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

18, please.

[Stephen Colbert]

$18? Yes, sir. Okay. People want to just start counting them out?

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Oh yeah, I can do no problems.

[Stephen Colbert]

And he. Here's your tip. Thank you so much.

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome back. If you're joining us, I'd be surprised considering what we're showing tonight. We just found out if you stuck around if you watched the field piece thing we just did where I was in Chicago, that piece that we showed right before the commercial break. My old days in Chicago just found out we showed the wrong one. That is not the edit we intended to show. But you know what? I believe that's in the spirit of Worst of. Yeah. And so we're just going to let it roll worse and let it roll. I love it. The universe is conspiring for this thing to get worse and worse now. Uh huh. Not everything in tonight's show is something we never aired. Some of it is stuff we did air and deeply regret. Specifically one of our briefly reoccurring characters, Shriek and Joe. Joe hey hey Joe Is a hard living Hard rockin' Hard Rock Cafe bathroom love making Michigan who debuted on the Late show in 2017 as a tribute to both Kid Rock and Ted Nugent. At the time these fellows were both rumored to be running for U.S. senate in Michigan. America first met Joe and learned his immortal catchphrase, Bongo Dongo, when he too announced a bid for Senate in Michigan. So, Shriek and Joe, what's your message to the people of your state?

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

The UMA platform is simple. I want you to get wet. Jump on it. I love sex. Let me hear you, Michigan.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. If you thought that was good tv, you are alone, because here is an actual graph of the minute by minute ratings when Joe appeared on screen. Lot of technical info in there, but basically it breaks down to Shriek and Joe plus TV bad. We thought, okay, maybe it was a fluke. So we had Shriek and Joe on again to promote his American dumbass ice cream machine. And would you look at that? Nobody wanted seconds. Well, in the spirit of being the worst of, please welcome back to the late show one last time. Shriekin Joe brother.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

All right, Steve, how's it hanging? Who you bangin?

[Stephen Colbert]

Shriek and Joe, welcome back to the show. Though I understand from your location that you've actually been living backstage here at the Ed Sullivan Theater the whole time.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Yup. Emphasis on the eater. Am I right? Very subtle.

[Stephen Colbert]

See, stuff like that might be why so many people turned off their TVs as soon as you came on screen. Did you see the ratings chart?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yup.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

That thing dropped faster than my pants at Barnes and Noble. Ladies Night beat the charges. By the way, turns out the H Vac shaft is a bit of a legal no man's land.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, congrats, Sirika. Joe, just wanted to read you this quote from Lauren Marcelo, CBS Senior VP of Late Night current programs. She said, and I quote, I have been studying ratings on the show for the last decade, and I have never before seen them take such an absolute and utter nose dive within moments of a character coming out.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Yeah, sorry, Lauren. You know, I feel bad about that. Steve, from the bottom of my heart to the top of my ding dong.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm really gonna miss you, Joe.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

And I'm gonna miss your desk. Gotta find a new place to sleep. And other stuff. Like stuffing others. Wait, are you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Are you saying you've been having sex on my show desk?

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Uh, no. You've been having show on my sex death. Get this. That sex led to a lot of wonderful things, including my daughter.

[Stephen Colbert]

You have a daughter?

[Announcer]

Hey, you bet you're touching this.

[Stephen Colbert]

Dongle, Dongle.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Steve, meet my pride and joy, my baby girl, Shrieking Jeans

[Stephen Colbert]

Jane. Well, well, Miss. It's a pleasure to meet you.

[Announcer]

Dad, you were right. This guy sucks.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Oh, Steve's not so bad. He's got one hell of a sex desk.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah. Shrinking Joe and his daughter Shrinking Jane, everybody.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Bongo Dongo.

[Stephen Colbert]

If there's anyone still watching, we'll be right back.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Welcome back.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Lewis. Yes. What are you doing after the show ends? Probably music. Yeah. Speaking of which, there are also some songs we wrote that never made it to air.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Did someone say Michael Cruz?

[Stephen Colbert]

Kane? No, no. No one said that.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Well, I just said it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Everybody, it's my writer, Michael Cruz. Cain. Michael, you wanna come up here? Wanna come up here? There you go. Do you wanna do this? Do you wanna come up here? Do you wanna come up here?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, sure, I guess. Yeah, why not?

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

What's up?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Well, Steve, I had heard that we were doing a worst of show. Okay, keep going. Okay. And I got very excited because I have a song pitch that you've never heard that has been rejected four times.

[Stephen Colbert]

So you pitched it four times? This process goes to the head writers first. You've pitched it four times and it got rejected every time?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's correct.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Why did you think our head writers and our producers never brought it to me?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

I don't like to speculate, but I think. I think they're jealous.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, let's hear it.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Okay, so in Texarkana there was a tornado and it sucked up all this water and it sucked up all the fish.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's an actual story that happened?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah, real story in Texarkana, you know, sucked up all the water and the fish in the water. And then eventually the fish came raining back down.

[Stephen Colbert]

A tornado pulled fish out of a pond and rained it down on somebody.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

You got it. Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

And when was this?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Why do you ask?

[Stephen Colbert]

We try to engage in the national conversation on a daily basis. It has to be kind of current.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yeah. Okay. Well, at one point it absolutely was current.

[Stephen Colbert]

Then when was that?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That would be the year 2021.

[Stephen Colbert]

So five years ago this happened.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Just five.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Wow.

[Babbel Advertiser]

Okay, perfect.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

That's great.

[Stephen Colbert]

So it rained fish.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yes. And you know how there's a song called It's Raining?

[Stephen Colbert]

I do. Fun fact, it was actually written by Paul Schaefer, who was Letterman's bandleader.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Yes. Okay, awesome. So I wrote a 30 second parody of its Raining men called. It's called It's Raining Fish.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, that's not so bad.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Even better, every time I pitched, it got a little longer. So now it's three and a half minutes.

[Stephen Colbert]

You wanted me to sing a three and a half minute parody song about fish?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Oh, you.

[Stephen Colbert]

You wanted to sing it?

[Michael Cruz Kane]

What, you want me, Michael Cruz Kane to sing it with you?

[Stephen Colbert]

Uh huh.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Steven, if there are two microphones.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's two microphones right there.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

You're crazy.

[Stephen Colbert]

I am crazy. I had nothing to do with. This is not my idea. Hit it. Okay, you got dancers.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Where are all my fish lovers? Let me see you smile. Better get outside girl if you're an ichthyophile. Tonight, for the first time, God's gonna grant your wish. For the first time in history it's gonna start raining fish.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

It's gonna.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

It's raining fish. Buccalapia.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's raining fish.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Squish, squish. I got my coat on Cause when I go out I get absolutely drenched in trout. It's raining fish. Bluefin, tuna, it's raining fish. My favorite dish, Sol lauda mackerel. Hey, we know the names of lots of fish. God bless mother Nature.

[Stephen Colbert]

She's a pescatarian.

[Backup Singer / Performer]

Tell em she gave us body

[Stephen Colbert]

and

[Backup Singer / Performer]

she gave us Atlantic salmon. Sea bass makes me happy. Grouper makes me laugh. We love the Little Mermaid but just her bottom half. Please welcome Paul Schaefer. All the fishes, they are falling Falling on my face.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

So get some bread and tomatoes we'll

[Backup Singer / Performer]

make a pool your base.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cause tonight for the first time God's

[Backup Singer / Performer]

gonna grant your wills and for the first time in history it's gonna start raining fast.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's raining fast. It's raining. Yeah.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

We.

[Stephen Colbert]

We cannot put that on the show. Paul Schaefer, everybody. Michael Cruz. Kane. We'll be right back with more questionable entertainment. Welcome back, everybody. Bye, Lewis. Bye, band. Well, it's been a great night of showing you the worst of the late show. We never could have made all that terrible stuff as well as some of the good stuff we showed you throughout the last 11 years without the amazing people in this room. This staff is so brilliant, so collaborative, so creative and so kind. And before we go, we want to show you all of their names put over the beautiful never before seen opening credits for the late show that we made back in 2015. Filmed in tilt shift photography by Argentinian director Fernando Livchitz. But before we do any of that, I just. Tom, I wrote something here. I'm wondering whether you could help me punch it up real quick. Okay.

[Michael Cruz Kane]

Come here.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just something nice. Just something nice to say about the people, if you don't mind punching this up. Okay, folks, this is Tom Purcell. Tom is my executive producer and my showrunner. We've known each other since 1988. Probably. Probably 1988. And if you like this show, I have something to do with that. And the people in this room have a lot to do with that. But this guy has an enormous amount to do with that. And I don't just mean. I don't just mean the jokes. There's a lot of talented and funny people and the producers and the staff and the writers here. But this fella has been a constant and consistent hand at the helm Since October of 2009, when you became my executive producer over at the Colbert Rapport. And I just want to give you. I want to give you a little something. This. These are called the nightly Toms. Oh, wow. Okay. Every night before the show, since 2009, these are the nightly Toms from the Late Show. Every night on a show night, if there's a show the next day, Tom sends out what he thinks are gonna be the big stories for tomorrow. And some silly stories, too, but what are the big stories for tomorrow? And every single story he sends out has at least one joke associated with it. And I want. And I just want to let you guys know the level of work this is because that's only one volume of these. There's over 1800 of them in here. And I don't necessarily want to point that out for the bulk of it, but I want to give you guys some idea of the kind of work this fellow's put in for the last 18 years here. What time did these get sent out? This one was sent out at 11:32 at night. That's when your work day ended. This one got sent out at 11:28. This one got sent out at 11:55. This one got sent out at 12:29 Eastern Time. And I just. I didn't feel like I could do a best of show or a worst of show. And I know I couldn't have done any show without you for the last 18 years. And I just wanted everyone to know that. This man right here, my brother, we met in 1988 in Chicago, and he is the heart behind my heart and the mind behind my mind. And I love you and thank you for all these years.

[Audience Member / Supporting Cast]

Thank you so much.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's it for the worst of the Late Show. These are for you. Stay tuned the rest of the week of our final three episodes. They'll be better than this. Good night. Thank you for listening to the Late show pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips, exclusives.

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[Stephen Colbert]

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