Stephen Colbert (1:47)

Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered. Right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session. It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut. Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike. And Then it's important that you do. Because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause. Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.

Tiffany Haddish (2:41)

That was a wonderful.

Stephen Colbert (2:42)

I wonder what more there is to learn. We just told them so much. We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently there's a whole other world. There's an unexplored vista.

Tiffany Haddish (2:54)

They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors.

Stephen Colbert (3:00)

Wow. And I would not disparage any of them.

Tiffany Haddish (3:02)

No, no, no.

Stephen Colbert (3:03)

Bring it on.

Tiffany Haddish (3:04)

Nothing bad to say.

Stephen Colbert (3:05)

Nut me, nut, nut me with nut meat.

Tiffany Haddish (3:08)

We're nut.

Stephen Colbert (3:09)

No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty. Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty.

Tiffany Haddish (3:19)

Good.

Stephen Colbert (3:21)

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I don't know if you've heard, but Mint's Premium Wireless is $15 a month. But I'd like to offer one other perk. We have no stores. That means no small talk. Crazy weather we're having.

Tiffany Haddish (3:37)

No, it's not.

Stephen Colbert (3:38)

It's just weather. It is an introvert's dream. Give it a try@mintmobile.com switch.

Tiffany Haddish (3:44)

Upfront payment at $45 for three month plan. $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. 6 mintmobile.com.

Stephen Colbert (3:56)

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, all around the world, to the late show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks. Lovely group, lovely group. I mean, the vibe in here. I don't know about you guys, but tonight my heart is full of something I have not felt in almost a year. And that is good because there it is. Cause last night, Democrats swept the first major elections of Trump's second term. Uh huh. That's right. There it is. Yes. Today, today, today, Democrats are walking around with a spring in their step like a divorced mom in her 40s whose new haircut just got her carded at two different bars. Lookout World. It's a whole new Melissa here in New York. Zoran Mamdani won the mayoral election. Lovely people. The people people are happy. Congratulations. Congratulations to Mayor elect Mamdani. In New York mayoral tradition, you will now get unlimited flights on Turkish Air and the right to murder one groundhog. You get to. You get to make it something fun. Mamdani didn't just defeat Andrew Cuomo and Curtis Lewa, he nut punched New York's fattest cats. Because if you've been following the election because the billionaires had the knives out for zoron, pumping massive amounts of cash into anti momdani groups, I'm talking big role high rollers like cosmetics aar Ron Louder, who donated $2.6 million to stop him, hedge fund investor Bill ackman, who donated 1.75 million dol against him, and co founder of Airbnb Joe Jebbia, who donated $2 million to defeat Mom Donny. So it's a bad day for billionaires or.

Tiffany Haddish (6:04)

Or.

Stephen Colbert (6:09)

Or as it's also known, still a pretty good day. They're still billionaires. Things don't really go bad for them. Mom. Donnie Mamnani didn't just beat him, he murderized him. Winning over 50% of the vote in an election with the most votes cast since 1969. Yeah. Nice, nice. Well, of course, that was the same year President Nixon was inaugurated. And excited voters across the country were all rushing to the polls with what historians call dick fever. Exit polls show that voters under 45 favored Mamdani over Cuomo by 43 points. And voters over 45 backed Cuomo by a 10 point margin. And not to be outdone, Curtis Sliwa won the coveted demographic of voters over 74 who once leg wrestled Ed Koch on the roof of the Staten island ferry. The night was truly historic. Mom Donny will be New York's first Muslim mayor, New York's first. New York's first South Asian mayor, and one of the youngest mayors and one of the youngest mayors in New York history. The only mayor who was younger was inaugurated in 1889, when he was believed to have been 31 years old. That's right. To find a younger mayor, you have to go back to a time when they just had to believe your age. You're two and a half feet tall. You have a pacifier. I believe you are 19. Here's a cigarette and a pickaxe. Now go dig the Erie Canal, you filthy Irishman. By the way, and this is true, this part's true, that young mayor's name? Hugh Grant. Of course, that was Hugh Grant in 1889. I believe we have a photo. There you go. You may remember. Historians may remember his campaign slogan. Actually, that's just extraordinary. Mamdani's even. He's even three months younger than former mayor John Perroy Mitchell, who was known as the boy mayor when he won office in 1913. It sounds condescending. Remember, this is over 100 years ago when all boys looked like old men. Mamdani was elected by a diverse coalition of working class New Yorkers. And in his victory speech last night, he gave them a shout out. And I mean every single one of them. Thank you to those so often forgotten by the politics of our city, who made this movement their own. I speak of Yemeni bodega owners and Mexican abuelas, Senegalese taxi drivers and Uzbek nurses, Trinidadian line cooks and Ethiopian aunties. I'm talking Latvian truck drivers and Nepalese librarians, Polish fishermen and pizza chefs from Eswatini, which used to be called Swaziland. I'm sorry. My wife got me an atlas for my birthday. And now we all have to pay the price, Trump and I. Is this on? Why am I yelling if this is a mic? Trump tried his damnedest to beat our new mayor, so Mamdani had a special message for him. So, Donald Trump, since I know you're watching, I have four words for you. Your ballroom's gonna suck. He continued, there's more. There's more. He continued with a message of hope. In this moment of political darkness, New York will be the light, and as always, the Port Authority will be the smell. That's not fair. That's not nice. That's not nice at all. Mom. Downey had some especially defiant words about the people targeted by Trump and ice. New York will remain a city of immigrants, a city built by immigrants, powered by immigrants, and as of today, led by an immigrant.

Tiffany Haddish (11:05)

Is this true?

Stephen Colbert (11:06)

Is this true? And I'm being told just now that they've already changed the poem on the Statue of Liberty. I'm not crying. You're crying. Then Mamdani doubled down. So hear me, President Trump, when I say this. To get to any of us, you will have to get through all of us. And you'll have to get through all of us. And there's a lot of us. I'm talking Albanian postmen, Congolese jugglers, Peruvian harpists, and baristas from Narnia. Somebody stop me. Over in New Jersey, across the Hudson. Over in New Jersey, there was a big governor's election, and the winner was yet another Democrat. In this case, the Democrat was Congressman Mikey Sherrill. In her victory speech, she celebrated the state's rich background.

Tiffany Haddish (12:06)

I love our history.

Stephen Colbert (12:08)

And our state motto has always stuck with me. In 1777, New Jersey was one of.

Tiffany Haddish (12:15)

The first states to choose a motto.

Stephen Colbert (12:19)

Anybody? Ooh, I know it's $20 of unleaded, please.

Tiffany Haddish (12:26)

No.

Stephen Colbert (12:26)

Wow. Because you can't pump your own gas. You're not legally allowed to pump your own gas over there. No. Okay. I'm sorry. Governor elect. Liberty and prosperity. Okay.

Tiffany Haddish (12:41)

Yeah.

Stephen Colbert (12:41)

One applause. That's about it.

Tiffany Haddish (12:43)

Yeah.

Stephen Colbert (12:43)

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's not great. It's a solid. It's a solid motto. It's not fancy. It was one of the first, so they kept it extremely basic. It reminds me of Nike's original slogan, shoes for running and walking. Governor elect Sherrill ended her speech to New Jerseyans by quoting a higher authority, Bruce Springsteen.

Tiffany Haddish (13:05)

So New Jersey, to quote the Boss.

Stephen Colbert (13:09)

The future is now.

Tiffany Haddish (13:11)

Roll up your sleeves.

Stephen Colbert (13:12)

Let your passion flow. The country we carry in our hearts is waiting. Beautiful words. Although if you don't recognize that quote, I'll point out the quote is not from a Bruce song. It's from a speech he gave at a campaign event for John Kerry in 2004. Knowing. Knowing what Bruce said in a random speech 21 years ago. She really does represent New Jersey in Virginia. Not sure if I earned that down in Virginia. The governor's race was won by Democrat Abigail Spanberger. Spanberger will be Virginia's first female governor. And in her victory speech, she shouted out her family.

Tiffany Haddish (14:00)

To my daughters, Claire, Charlotte and Kathryn, you inspire me and motivate me every single day. I am lucky to be your mother. And Catherine, you did not clean your room today as you promised me.

Stephen Colbert (14:16)

I'm working on it. I don't have a joke. I just love that so much. At the same time, Spamberger's opponent, Winsome Earl Sears, was giving her concessions to speech across town, she also had a powerful message.

Tiffany Haddish (14:34)

Don't give up. We must never give up. To give up is to give up.

Stephen Colbert (14:55)

Sounds like she gave up in the middle of that sentence. Reminds me of that famous sports quote. It's not the size of the dog in the fight. Wait, yes it is. My little dog is going to get crushed in this dog fight. The size of the dog is actually so important that quote, Bruce Springsteen. We got a great show for you tonight.

Tiffany Haddish (15:21)

Coming up. Tiffany Haddish, you open the fridge? There's nothing there. So what's it gonna be? Greasy pizza. Sad Drive Thru Burgers.

Stephen Colbert (15:35)

Dish by Blue Apron is for nights like that.

Tiffany Haddish (15:38)

These are the pre made meals of your dreams. At least 20 grams of protein. No artificial flavors or colors.

Stephen Colbert (15:45)

No chopping, no cleanup. No guilt.

Tiffany Haddish (15:48)

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Stephen Colbert (16:32)

Ladies and gentlemen. My first guest tonight is an Emmy and Grammy award winning comedian. You know from her breakout role in Girls Trip and her stand up comedy specials, she now stars in the new docu series, Tiffany Haddish goes off. Please welcome back to the late show, Tiffany Haddish. Wow. Thank you for being here. And thank you for bringing your own petting zoo.

Tiffany Haddish (16:58)

Yes. Just in case you wanted to touch me, I brought my own labubu.

Stephen Colbert (17:04)

Nice to see you again.

Tiffany Haddish (17:05)

Good to see you again too.

Stephen Colbert (17:06)

You're looking good. You are looking good too.

Tiffany Haddish (17:08)

I'm so proud of you.

Stephen Colbert (17:09)

Thank you for getting canceled.

Tiffany Haddish (17:14)

No.

Stephen Colbert (17:14)

Oh, no. What? Did I do anything?

Tiffany Haddish (17:16)

No, but you like. Okay. Regardless of what's been thrown at you, you still stay a bright light. And that. I know that life. I know that life. And I'm really proud of you. That's all I'm saying. Like you still funny. That's quite a compliment. Still strong. And you probably gonna be looking for work after all of this.

Stephen Colbert (17:42)

Yeah. You got any hiring?

Tiffany Haddish (17:44)

I got an idea.

Stephen Colbert (17:46)

Do you need a coat wrangler?

Tiffany Haddish (17:48)

I didn't wear this pimp coat for nothing.

Stephen Colbert (17:52)

Oh. Oh. I'll get you a lot of cash. I'll get you a lot of cash. All right. Now listen. Halloween just passes by. I know you're a fan. How spooky did it get?

Tiffany Haddish (18:04)

It got pretty spooky. All right.

Stephen Colbert (18:07)

I don't know what these are. I've been handed some photos of you in wardrobe. I don't know. What are you doing? Who are you?

Tiffany Haddish (18:13)

Okay, so that is me doing a scene from the TV show Severance. But we went to a severance party. That's me and Toby Sandyman. And he never seen the show Severance and the theme of the party. So I told him that there's only four black characters on the show and that he should like, be the lead character, but that's a white man. And I told him to put a band aid on and he put all that blood on him. Cause I had sent him some reference photos of somebody bleeding. And that's what he did. And I was. And I played the leading lady, but he don't know that.

Stephen Colbert (18:48)

And who.

Tiffany Haddish (18:48)

But I'm not the leading leading lady. But I'm the love interest to the number one on the call. She.

Stephen Colbert (18:55)

I don't.

Tiffany Haddish (18:56)

I was trying to be a love interest that night. I was the doula.

Stephen Colbert (19:01)

You were the love doula.

Tiffany Haddish (19:03)

Love doula. There's only two black women on the show. One is a doula. I figured that one's having sex.

Stephen Colbert (19:09)

Is this from this year, too?

Tiffany Haddish (19:10)

Yes, that's from this year. That's me and La La Anthony here in New York at Tao. And she was from the Nightmare Before Christmas. The bride. That's, you know. And then I was the Corpse Bride. Yeah, the corpse br. Right. I don't like saying that word, corpse. Okay.

Stephen Colbert (19:29)

Anyways, I mean, it's Halloween. Halloween.

Tiffany Haddish (19:33)

I know, but I just feel like saying dead people. But I was a fairy princess.

Stephen Colbert (19:39)

You look like it. I love.

Tiffany Haddish (19:40)

Yes, I was from the other side of the feral in the hood. Fairy princess.

Stephen Colbert (19:47)

Do you always dress up?

Tiffany Haddish (19:49)

Nah, usually I just wear, like, regular clothes and be like, I'm a soccer mom.

Stephen Colbert (19:54)

Did you dress up last year?

Tiffany Haddish (19:55)

I'm a woman that's tired of cleaning her house. That's what.

Stephen Colbert (20:00)

So you don't.

Tiffany Haddish (20:00)

But this year, I dressed up, though. Cause I'm hunting.

Stephen Colbert (20:06)

The most dangerous game.

Tiffany Haddish (20:09)

Well, you know. You know, when you're in your 20s, you're a puma. When you in your 30s, you a cougar. When you in your 40s, you a thundercat. And then 50s and up, you a cyber tooth tiger. When you get your 60s, you a cyber snagitooth. Saber tooth tiger. So right now I'm a thundercat.

Stephen Colbert (20:27)

And I'm thirsty now this.

Tiffany Haddish (20:32)

All right, all right, all right.

Stephen Colbert (20:34)

Let's keep it down. Stay down, stay down. There you go. Now, this summer. No, don't. I got security. I'm ovulating. All right. Okay. This summer, you took a stab at what I do for a living.

Tiffany Haddish (20:47)

For now, just in case there's an opening, you.

Stephen Colbert (20:51)

You guest hosted for my friend, Mr. Jimmy Kimmel. How was that? Did you like asking the questions for a change?

Tiffany Haddish (20:58)

I enjoyed it so much.

Stephen Colbert (20:59)

Yeah, it's a good gig, isn't it?

Tiffany Haddish (21:01)

I really liked it. My favorite part was, like, all the different outfits, right? And I was like, can I wear, like, two outfits in an episode? And they said no, that I couldn't And I was like, why not? Cause I'm so cute. I could change it to so many cute outfits. I'm so cute.

Stephen Colbert (21:15)

Here's another outfit you had.

Tiffany Haddish (21:17)

Yes. I was so epic. That one was sex. I could get married in that one.

Stephen Colbert (21:24)

Yes. Did you also use Jimmy's show as like a private tender? Did you?

Tiffany Haddish (21:29)

Oh, yeah, you know I did. You know I did. I went. I used that as, you know, like, hey, in case you single, I'm ovulating. Like, who want to be? I'm just going through puberty.

Stephen Colbert (21:41)

You know, like family show. This is a family show, Tiffany.

Tiffany Haddish (21:45)

Hello. That's how you make family. You know, as a woman, you only get to, like, as a human period, you only get to choose your spouse, your mother, father. You don't get to choose that. Your sisters and brothers. You don't get to choose that. All you get to choose is your spouse and then your friends. Right. And so I'm just trying to choose. Wow.

Stephen Colbert (22:10)

How's it. How's it going?

Tiffany Haddish (22:23)

It's cold. It's winter and it's cold. I'd much rather have a hairy man than this coat.

Stephen Colbert (22:29)

We have to take a quick break, but we're right back with more Tiffany Haddish. Everybody stick around.

Tiffany Haddish (22:41)

Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Kids learn to earn, save, and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Try greenlight risk free today@greenlight.com odysee avoiding.

Stephen Colbert (23:11)

Your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start. Thumbtack knows homes so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is with thumbtack, you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top rated pros, see price estimates and read reviews all on the app download today. Welcome back, everybody. We're here with Tiffany haddish. You've been touring this past year on your funny and fearless tour.

Tiffany Haddish (23:44)

Yes.

Stephen Colbert (23:44)

Do you like the road? Do you enjoy being out there?

Tiffany Haddish (23:46)

I do enjoy. You know what? I wish I had superpowers where I could just like wiggle my nose and appear like bewitched. But you have to get on the airplanes and stuff and get there, and I love when I get there. And I've been going to places where you would never think somebody like me would be okay.

Stephen Colbert (24:02)

Where have you been going?

Tiffany Haddish (24:03)

North Dakota. South Dakota.

Stephen Colbert (24:06)

Right. You don't really think of anybody being in North Dakota. Yeah.

Tiffany Haddish (24:11)

They like you. Marietta, Kansas. Population 4,000. I perform for the whole town. Wow. Yeah.

Stephen Colbert (24:18)

And how's it going? How are you being received?

Tiffany Haddish (24:21)

I've been being received very well. I've been teaching lessons on how to survive without food stamps and snap. So, like, how to make food stretch, you know, I'm from the African American community as well, and we know how to make things go a long time. Mm.

Stephen Colbert (24:39)

What's the number one? What's the number one ingredient people should have right now to make?

Tiffany Haddish (24:43)

They need noodles. And you can make noodles with just flour and water. Okay. And you can add egg if you want to, but if you ain't got no egg, cause it's expensive. You just get flour and water, maybe a little salt. Boom. You make noodles and spaghettis, and all you need is tomatoes and meat. Wow.

Stephen Colbert (25:00)

Are you a good cook?

Tiffany Haddish (25:01)

I'm the best cook. And you gonna need Lawry's seasoning salt and black pepper and garlic and bell peppers and onions. And you're gonna need a little bit of thyme and some oregano. You know what I'm saying? But you can grow all of these things, except you can grow the meat, too, if you want to, but I prefer to just buy that part. I'm also a farmer.

Stephen Colbert (25:20)

Did you know that?

Tiffany Haddish (25:21)

I'm a farmer.

Stephen Colbert (25:21)

I did not know you were a farmer. I did not know that. You must have. They're great out in Kansas.

Tiffany Haddish (25:24)

Yeah. I'm on farmersonly.com as well.

Stephen Colbert (25:30)

I would love to see you on farmersonly.com.

Tiffany Haddish (25:33)

You can see me on there, but your wife wouldn't approve. I got your back, girl. I got your back.

Stephen Colbert (25:44)

You've been traveling around outside the United States as well. Not just in the United States. You got a new docu series, as I mentioned before, called Tiffany Haddish Goes off, which follows you and three of your best friends.

Tiffany Haddish (25:55)

Three of my besties are in Africa. In Africa. We travel to Africa.

Stephen Colbert (25:59)

Had you been to Africa before the series?

Tiffany Haddish (26:01)

No, no. I'm a queen over there. I mean, I'm a princess. I'm so young. I'm going through puberty. But, yeah, I've been to the east side of Africa many times. In Eritrea, sure. But I took my friends to Cape Town Zimbabwe, Zanzibar. And we really explored and had a great time. It was fantastic. It was real rich people.

Stephen Colbert (26:24)

That was fantastic.

Tiffany Haddish (26:26)

And we didn't pay for none of it. And that is the real reason.

Stephen Colbert (26:34)

Rich people.

Tiffany Haddish (26:34)

Okay, Right.

Stephen Colbert (26:36)

If you get really rich, you don't pay for anything.

Tiffany Haddish (26:38)

You never pay for nothing or pay taxes. Um, well, I'm working on that part.

Stephen Colbert (26:42)

Yes.

Tiffany Haddish (26:44)

How do we do that? I'll call Trump. I'll find out exactly.

Stephen Colbert (26:58)

Are you fun to travel with? Cause, like, do you think we would travel well together?

Tiffany Haddish (27:01)

I know we would travel well together. I'm the best.

Stephen Colbert (27:03)

I sleep late.

Tiffany Haddish (27:04)

I sleep whenever we're not talking.

Stephen Colbert (27:10)

I like to knock off.

Tiffany Haddish (27:10)

So when you stop talking to me, I'm like, that's.

Stephen Colbert (27:13)

I also like to knock off the touring pretty early and get a cocktail.

Tiffany Haddish (27:16)

Cocktail? Cocktail. What kind of cocktail? Cause I don't drink alcohol, but I got something for that.

Stephen Colbert (27:23)

What you got?

Tiffany Haddish (27:23)

I got some tail for that. Welcome back. Oh, wait, that's too much.

Stephen Colbert (28:02)

Speaking of trips, I hear you're going on another trip soon. There's gonna be a girls trip two.

Tiffany Haddish (28:09)

Yes. Girls trip two is happening.

Stephen Colbert (28:11)

Here's girls trip. Is the whole gang getting back together?

Tiffany Haddish (28:14)

The whole gang is getting back together, and, you know, they just perfecting the scripting. What I hear is we supposed to start shooting next summer.

Stephen Colbert (28:22)

Oh, really?

Tiffany Haddish (28:23)

Mm. Might have something for you.

Stephen Colbert (28:26)

Oh, I'll be free.

Tiffany Haddish (28:27)

Yeah, I know.

Stephen Colbert (28:32)

We should. We should get a cocktail together. Nice to see you. Her docu series Tiffany haddish goes off will be available November 13th on Peacock. It's Tiffany Haddish, everybody. Thank you for listening to the late show pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the late show, you YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

Tiffany Haddish (28:59)

Tulsa is my home now.

Stephen Colbert (29:01)

Academy award nominee Sylvester Stallone stars in the Paramount plus original series, Tulsa King. His distillery is a very interesting business, and we got to know the enemy from Taylor Sheridan, co creator of Landman.

Tiffany Haddish (29:15)

What are you saying? I'm all right.

Stephen Colbert (29:18)

If you think you're gonna take me out, it's gonna be really difficult. Tulsa King new season, now streaming exclusively on Paramount plus. Now streaming on Paramount plus.

Tiffany Haddish (29:31)

Brandon was the full package. I felt like I met my guy. Just stop, stop, stop talking. God. But he's not even close to the person that I thought he was. When you do break up with Brandon, that is when the stalking begins. I just knew something horrific was about to happen. I saw the devil in his eyes. We're gonna tell everyone what he did.

Stephen Colbert (29:55)

Don't date Brandon. Now streaming on Paramount Plus.