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Tommy Morrissey
I've been counted out, dismissed, passed over, told I'd never be a golfer with just one arm. But the only thing that feels better than proving people wrong is out driving them. I'm 14 year old golfer Tommy Morrissey and I want to be remembered for my ability as a champion. Partner of the Masters. Bank of America supports everyone determined to find out what's possible in golf and in life. What would you like the power to do? Bank of America bank of America NA Member FDIC Copyright 2025 bank of America Corporation. All rights reserved.
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Stephen Colbert
Please have a seat everybody. Welcome one and all to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
Donald Trump
It is lovely to be back.
Stephen Colbert
Lovely to be back after a little break here. We're back just in time because Tomorrow is President Trump's 100th day in office. But who's counting in seconds? So far it's been 8,596,800 seconds. 801 802. Move faster. I'm not the only one who feels that way because his polling numbers are historically bad. In the New York Times poll. In the New York Times poll of his first 100 days, his approval rating is at 42%. In CNN, it's 41%. And in the ABC Washington Post Ipsos Flamin hot Cheetos poll, he's at 39%. That is the worst polling number since polling began. I gotta believe that's hard to hear, babe. When I said that that was the worst sex ever, I only meant since sex began. We don't know. But before. Nothing Trump has done. Nothing Trump has done so far is particularly popular in any of these polls. But the thing really dragging him down is his handling of the economy. In the ABC poll, more than 70% of Americans say the economy today is either not so good or poor. The other 30% are either in a coma or in his cabinet.
Tommy Morrissey
Or.
Stephen Colbert
Both. Trump was none too pleased to hear that people are none too pleased with him posting.
Donald Trump
Great pollster John McLachlan, one of the most highly respected in the industry, has just stated that the failing New York Times poll and the ABC Washington Post poll about a person named Donald J. Trump, me are fake polls from fake news organizations.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, that stuff that, that, that might fool some people, okay, if it was just one or two polls, but it's all the polls. That's like having a mug that says world's best Mom. No matter what my kids say.
Donald Trump
Fake kids.
Stephen Colbert
The polls. Fake kids. Happy Mother's Day in advance, everybody. Happy Mother's Day. The polls are one thing, but there are even more dark omens of the end times, ladies and gentlemen, because over the weekend, we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow has started eating carbs and cheese again. Oh, my goop. This is just like Nostranomus predicted as he stared into the stuffed crust. In fact, not many people know this, but the last notch on the doomsday clock is Gwyneth eats a Cinnabon. This chilling news. That's it. Where are we, by the way? Where are we on the clock? Are we close? All right. This chilling news reminds me of Paltrow's terrifying scene from the movie Seven.
Tommy Morrissey
What's in the box?
Wanda Sykes
Pizza is obviously the greatest food of all time.
Stephen Colbert
No, There you go. There you go. I think the cold, too. You know what I mean? His polls may be terrible, but Trump is still talking a big game. To celebrate his 100th day, Trump sat down with Time magazine. Their reporter pointed out that so far there have been no tariff deals with any other countries but Trump.
Donald Trump
No, there's many deals.
Stephen Colbert
When are they going to be announced?
Donald Trump
We're meeting with China. We're doing fine with everybody, but ultimately I've made all the deals.
Stephen Colbert
When are you going to announce them?
Donald Trump
I've made 200 deals.
Stephen Colbert
You've made 200 deals?
Donald Trump
100%.
Stephen Colbert
No one's buying that.
Donald Trump
I definitely had a girlfriend at summer camp. We. No, she was a model. We did the whole sex deal. I, I felt the boobies.
Stephen Colbert
All.
Donald Trump
All 200 boobies.
Stephen Colbert
We did. We did it all. Thank you. For the record, 200 deals would mean that Trump had made trade deals with all 195 countries in the world, plus five bonus trade deals.
Donald Trump
It's true, folks. No, it's true. That's the art of the deal. That's what I, you know, me, I made deals with Wakanda, Narnia, McDonald's, Playland, East Korea, and I drove a very hard bargain with the Princess of Genovia. Tough gal, Tough lady. Used to be a homely teenager in San Francisco, but Queen Mary Poppins got her all gussied up.
Stephen Colbert
Treasury Secretary Scott Besant went on the Sunday shows to try to explain Trump's lie. He said that he has made 200 deals on tariffs. 200 deals. Who has he made deals with? I believe that he is referring to sub deals within the negotiations we're doing, Martha. I believe he is referring to. He has so many sub deals. He's getting. This man is getting $5 footlongs at Subway, Martha. He's getting chips and drinks at Jersey Mike's. And he is just, he's just taking a very high level call with blimpies. Trump also spoke to the Atlantic, which was kind of surprising because last month the magazine was supposed to talk to him, but then Trump got mad at something they reported and he canceled their interview. Then, according to the Atlantic, they got his cell phone number like you do, and they cold called him on a Saturday morning. The number that flashed on his screen was an unfamiliar one, but he answered anyway.
Donald Trump
Who's calling? He asked. I'm not decent.
Stephen Colbert
That's right. The President of the United States answered an unknown number. I know he's 78, but this might be the most elderly.
Donald Trump
I just had an amazing call with the President of China. Turns out he's my grandson and he got arrested in Mexico, so I wired him $10,000. I didn't even know. I didn't even know he called me P. Pop.
Stephen Colbert
Good kid. A recent poll shows only 35% of Americans approve of Elon Musk and perhaps. Are you booing him or that? Only 35%, perhaps. As a result, during the first quarter of 2025, Tesla's net income fell 71%.
Tommy Morrissey
Wow.
Stephen Colbert
You cannot buy that kind of marketing. So last week Elon announced, starting next month, I will be allocating more of my time to Tesla. Yes, he wants to be there personally at Tesla, to offer all his most valued employees his sperm. But if he's leaving Doge, that must mean that Doge's job is done. Remember, Elon Musk promised to cut government spending by $2 trillion, which he then changed to $1 trillion, of which the actual verifiable cut sit at just $63 billion. But they're hoping to shave off a couple more billion by making the Air Force switch to Kirkland's signature fighter jets. Catholics of the world are still mourning the death of Pope Francis, who passed away on easter Monday. At 88 years old, Pope Francis was an historic figure. He was the first Latin American pope, and he was known for his incredible humility and kindness. He was called the People's Pope because he dedicated his papacy to helping the world's poorest pope. Francis always set a personal example of modesty. Instead of lavish Vatican apartments, he stayed in a modest boarding house, where, to demonstrate the value of service, he instituted the first ever Vatican chore wheel last year. Pray, pray, pray. Swiffer the gold now. Last year, I was honored to meet Pope Francis with other comedians from around the world. It was really a lovely day. Incredible. Once in a lifetime. It was part of an international cultural exchange that the Vatican called comedians and confessionals. Getting penance. When it was time for my audience with His Holiness, I reminded him that I read the English audiobook version of his memoir, which was another unexpected honor, just to be asked by the Vatican to do that. Though I have to say, I do have a killer Pope Francis impression.
Donald Trump
Meh. See, I'm infallible. See, that means I'm always right. So get in line.
Stephen Colbert
I run this Vatican. Meh. So sorry, that might be my De Niro. I'm not so. It was a sad time for Catholics. And here in America, Trump immediately announced that, out of respect for all, flags in the country would fly at half staff. Except he did it while standing next to the Easter bunny. Reminds me of when Walter Cronkite reported the death of JFK flanked by the Kool Aid man in the week after his death. There you go. In the week after his death, the Pope lay in State in St. Peter's Basilica, which gave the public a chance to pay their respects. But at one point, the Vatican actually had to ask visitors not to take selfies with the body of the late Pope. And I can understand that that might seem disrespectful, but to be fair to those selfie takers, as a Catholic, sometimes it's hard to gauge how the Church feels about dead bodies. Don't you dare take that selfie. Now you go stand in the corner next to the skull of Mary Magdalene and the shinbone of St. Zachary. All right?
Donald Trump
I'm telling you, don't make me. Don't you follow me.
Stephen Colbert
With the funeral over, the Church has to elect a fresh Pope. And sadly, for some reason, the candidate leading the polls is Andrew Cuomo. Wow. He'll do a good job. The Vatican has announced the conclave to elect a new pope will start on May 7th. And during the conclave, all the cardinals from around the world gather in the Sistine Chapel to vote. And after each vote, the ballots are burned. Black smoke indicates an inconclusive ballot. White smoke announces to the world that a new pope has been elected. And gray smoke indicates the cardinals have a really nice pork shoulder. Going low and slow on the Vatican green egg. So kiss me, I'm celibate.
Tommy Morrissey
There you go.
Stephen Colbert
So who's going to be the next Pope? The betting favorite so far is the Vatican's Secretary of State, Pietro Parolin, seen here on Casual Bejeweled Staff Friday. But one of the other contenders is the Vatican's top official for Middle east affairs, Pierbattista Pizza Balla. You know his slogan, no one out pizzas the bala. We got a great show for you tonight coming up.
Tommy Morrissey
Wanda Sykes.
Wanda Sykes
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Stephen Colbert
Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an Emmy Award winning comedian, you know from Curb youb Enthusiasm, Black Ish and the Upshaws she's back on tour with her stand up comedy show. Please and thank you. Please welcome back to the late show, Wanda Sykes.
Tommy Morrissey
Oh, wow.
Stephen Colbert
Hey.
Tommy Morrissey
Wow. Look at these people.
Stephen Colbert
Nice. It's lovely. Nice to see you again. It's been a couple years.
Tommy Morrissey
It's been a minute.
Stephen Colbert
It has. How's the family?
Tommy Morrissey
Oh, family's great. Family's great. Yeah. We just got back from Egypt.
Wanda Sykes
Ooh.
Stephen Colbert
I've never been.
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
You'd recommend?
Tommy Morrissey
I recommend it, yeah. I mean, you know, they have stuff.
Stephen Colbert
Over there, I hear. Old stuff.
Tommy Morrissey
Old stuff, old stuff.
Stephen Colbert
How old are the kids now?
Tommy Morrissey
The kids just turned 16 yesterday.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, that's nice. Happy birthday to them.
Tommy Morrissey
Yes.
Stephen Colbert
Out there. Happy birthday. Yeah. What do they want for their birthday?
Tommy Morrissey
They text us today. They want Instagram.
Stephen Colbert
Isn't that a free app?
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah, they don't have social media.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, oh, so you say you can't have it.
Donald Trump
You don't have social media.
Stephen Colbert
Well done. So well done.
Tommy Morrissey
So now they want Instagram.
Stephen Colbert
So why don't, why don't. I mean, I understand the applause notwithstanding. Why don't you think that your 16 year old should have Instagram?
Tommy Morrissey
You know, what the hell is on Instagram? I don't want them.
Stephen Colbert
You know, it's just all it does is suck all the life out of them.
Tommy Morrissey
All the life out of them? Yes, yes, yes. All the life out of them. And, you know, they're really good kids right now. They're smart, they're, you know, social. They're polite. They're good kids.
Stephen Colbert
Yes.
Tommy Morrissey
I don't. I mean, I'm nervous. They get on Instagram, next thing you know, my son, he turns into a little proud boy and I gotta throw him out.
Stephen Colbert
You know, that wouldn't be good.
Donald Trump
That would not be good.
Stephen Colbert
Do you have a social media presence as they say?
Tommy Morrissey
I do, but it's, you know, it's for work. We gotta, you know. Yeah, it's how we promote. It's not like, you know, I'm not one of those, ooh, I gotta post. Ooh, let me show you what I ate. Ooh, you know, I'm not.
Stephen Colbert
I would love to see what you eat. Is there any food you'd like to take a photo of if you didn't get sucked into the culture of Instagram? Cause I made some killer ice cream.
Tommy Morrissey
You know what? Okay.
Stephen Colbert
I made some killer ice cream over the weekend that I would take a photo of that in a minute.
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah, it's things like that. If I make something, I'll go, ooh, y'all. Check this out. I know what I'm doing over here.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah, that's where they get you.
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah, that's. I know.
Stephen Colbert
First one's free. Okay, so I want to go back to Egypt for a second. And there's a great photo. Here you are. Here you are in the desert by the pyramids. Right there. There's a problem with social media. There is. That kids can end up, like, with their faces in their phones rather than looking at the ancient wonders. Did they appreciate the ancient wonders you took them to?
Tommy Morrissey
They did. They were really into it. I mean, honestly, they were kind of into it more than then I was into it.
Stephen Colbert
Not impressed by the pyramids.
Tommy Morrissey
You know, here's the thing. You know, I have allergies, and it was a lot of dust.
Donald Trump
Wanda.
Stephen Colbert
It's the desert.
Tommy Morrissey
I'm a woman of a certain age, so I'm hot. It was so hot where I think I got a hot flash and it actually cooled me off a little bit.
Stephen Colbert
Is the sweat just helped a little bit?
Tommy Morrissey
It felt okay?
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah, but it was. Yeah, but, you know, at one point, I kind of felt like Chevy Chase in the vacation movie, you know, looking at the Grand Canyon. It was like. But once you see a temple and then there's the hole and there's some ruins and, you know, after a while, you like this. Okay, all right, I got it, I.
Stephen Colbert
Got it, I got it.
Tommy Morrissey
There's some old stuff here. I got it. You know, do you think some people.
Stephen Colbert
Said, no way, no way, that the pyramids were. Were built by, you know, by humans? It had to be an alien civilization. Does it seem buildable to you?
Tommy Morrissey
Well, you know what? When they show you the tools that they use, and it's like three or four sticks and some.
Stephen Colbert
Three or four sticks, like, some sticks outline.
Tommy Morrissey
They like logs. They like three or four sticks, like logs, and they would put. And roll it over there. And I was like, there had to be some Mexicans over here. There had to be. They had to be.
Stephen Colbert
Those guys can build.
Tommy Morrissey
Those guys can build. For sure.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah. I think the Incas, they got their own pyramids. Yeah.
Tommy Morrissey
I was like, I bet you they shipped them over here.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Tommy Morrissey
And did this.
Stephen Colbert
That's cultural appropriations, probably. Yeah. Did you go to any of the bazaars or anything, like the marketplaces? Because a lot of fun, you know, especially in the Middle East, a lot of haggling involved. People can get ripped and try to rip you off sometimes in those open air markets. Did you bargain?
Tommy Morrissey
Well, luckily we had a really good guide with us. So she was really good at keeping people, you know, at bay. But for the most part it was good. But I went the wrong time. Cause we went to the Sook and that's the big shopping. That's the shopping area. That's where it's like a little, you know, it's like little stalls. Yeah, little stalls. It's real cramped and it's like a maze. Whatever. You know, you feel like you gon walk into like a drug den or get caught up in something. It's just. Yeah. So anyway, and okay, remember it was hot. We had been looking at, you know, pyramids all day. And we did stop and have some lunch. So some wine was involved. And again, it was hot. It was all day. We had a few minutes to go into the souk. So I'm in there and I wanted to get some T shirts for friends and. And the guy was like, you know, he was trying something T shirts. But he was like. I said, you know, I think I need a medium. And he's like, well, who's it for? I said, it's my friend Keith. He said, oh no, Keith is a xl. He's a xl. And I was like, oh, okay. And then. And I was like, yeah. And I need something for Harry. Oh yeah, Harry is a double xl. And then. And I'm just taking stuff. And I thought I was like, wait a minute. You don't know these people. Why the hell am I listening to you? And then I just got mad, just left everything and just, you know, I know. Ugly American. Then I felt bad and I went back and anyway, we have to take.
Stephen Colbert
A quick break, but we'll be right back with more Wanda Sykes everybody.
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Wanda Sykes
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Stephen Colbert
We're back with Wanda Sykes. Here's the thing that people may not know that I only learned from you the last time I spoke to you is that when you were younger, you worked at the nsa, the National Security Association. What did you do at nsa?
Tommy Morrissey
I was basically a procurement specialist. I bought stuff, okay? That's all I can.
Stephen Colbert
Microphones and listening devices.
Tommy Morrissey
I bought stuff, Steven.
Stephen Colbert
All right?
Tommy Morrissey
I bought stuff.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, well, the way to bring it up is that last month, US national security leaders texted military plans against Yemen to the editor in chief of the Atlantic magazine, Jeffrey Goldberg. What did you think? As somebody who worked at the nsa, what did you think when you heard that?
Tommy Morrissey
Holy crap. Like, that's what I can say on tv. But, yeah, I was. And I really thought we would all be up in arms and, like, Hecseth would be fired and everybody would be. I mean, my bad. I thought they would actually do something about it because he did text war plans. And first of all, you ain't got no business being on signal. People at that level, they're supposed to be a record of all their meetings. You don't go on signal where stuff disappears. Signal is for booty calls. That's it. That's it.
Stephen Colbert
You know what?
Donald Trump
You know what, Pete?
Stephen Colbert
Hegseth should not be on Instagram.
Tommy Morrissey
True.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But so it's just embarrassing, Actually, the whole administration is just embarrassing. Incompetent, corrupt. I mean. I mean, I have said white people, y'all really should be embarrassed by this. You really should be. Y'all really need to do something. Seriously. Cause this is embarrassing. See? And I know you said, well, Wanda, why is it a white. Cause we tried to tell y'all. We tried to tell you. We tried to tell you, and y'all didn't want to listen. So now this is your problem. Black people busy learning, doing line dances. And we got our fans out. We busy. We doing other stuff right now. So y'all gotta do it. And I'm so proud of you. I see you out there protesting, so keep up the good work. But now you gotta amp it up, okay? So I need you to. I need y'all. He said the same thing, right? Yeah. I said, I need y'all to go back and look at some of our old protests and, you know, and get some tips. But I need you to prepare yourselves, though. So, like, start eating a lot of hot sauce so you can get ready. And when you're brushing your teeth, just take that water pick and just shoot yourself in the face a couple times so, you know, so you can get rid of. Just walk through a car wash, you know, just because you gotta amp it up. Cause, because, you know, y'all the ones gotta be out there. And black folks, we gonna be there right there behind you. But okay, not. Not really. We not even gonna be behind you. You know what? We'll like your post. That's what we'll do. We'll like your post.
Stephen Colbert
You're back on the road with a comedy tour, a please and thank you tour. Who are you saying please and thank you to?
Tommy Morrissey
Well, to my audience. And also. Yes, and also. Just. Let's just start there. Just basic civility. Let's just start with, you know. Cause I think we've gotten so far away from it now. Everybody's like, you know, cursing each other out online and everything.
Stephen Colbert
Those people.
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah, exactly. So I'm just like, can we just start with just being polite? Just some please and thank you, and.
Stephen Colbert
You know, you taught your children please and thank you, right?
Tommy Morrissey
Yeah, yeah. Let's. Let's. We need a lot more love, so.
Stephen Colbert
All right, Wanda, lovely to see you. Thank you so much for being here. Tickets for her please and thank you comedy tour are available now. Wanda Sykes, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late show pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.
Nicole Byer
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Stephen Colbert
Wayfair.
Tommy Morrissey
Every style, every home.
The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert: Episode Featuring Wanda Sykes | "(100) Days Of Bummer"
Release Date: April 29, 2025
The episode kicks off with Stephen Colbert welcoming listeners back to The Late Show Pod Show, setting a humorous and satirical tone for the evening. He immediately dives into the political landscape, focusing on President Donald Trump's performance during his first 100 days in office.
Colbert playfully critiques Trump's administration, highlighting historically low approval ratings across various polls:
Colbert jokes, "That's the worst polling number since polling began" (02:00), emphasizing the administration's struggles, particularly with economic management. He humorously suggests that Trump's low approval is affecting even his personal life, making light of serious political discourse.
In a comedic skit, Colbert engages in a mock conversation with Donald Trump, who defends his poll numbers by dismissing them as "fake polls from fake news organizations" (03:50). Trump boasts about having made "200 deals" during his tenure, a claim Colbert finds implausible and mocks accordingly:
The exchange continues with Trump making outlandish claims about deals with fictional entities like Wakanda and Narnia, further highlighting the satirical nature of the segment.
Colbert shifts gears to comment on celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow's dietary choices, humorously linking her return to eating carbs and cheese to dark omens and doomsday predictions. He references Nostradamus and makes playful remarks about Paltrow's impact on the "doomsday clock," blending pop culture with absurd humor.
The show takes a satirical turn by announcing the passing of Pope Francis, portrayed humorously by Colbert. He mocks the Vatican's response, blending real events with fictional elements:
He continues with jokes about the conclave to elect a new pope, introducing fictional candidates like Andrew Cuomo and Pieter Pololin, adding layers of humor through unexpected connections and wordplay.
The highlight of the episode is the appearance of Emmy Award-winning comedian Wanda Sykes. Colbert introduces her enthusiastically, noting her return to stand-up comedy:
Wanda Sykes shares anecdotes about her family and recent trip to Egypt, providing a relatable and humorous perspective:
She discusses her children's desire for Instagram, expressing parental concerns in a comedic light:
Colbert and Sykes engage in a lively discussion about the impact of social media on youth, blending humor with genuine concerns about technology and parenting.
Wanda recounts her family's trip to Egypt, highlighting both the wonders and the challenges they faced:
She humorously describes navigating the bustling souks (markets) and dealing with the heat, providing listeners with vivid and entertaining stories from her travels.
The conversation takes a fictional twist as Wanda discusses her past experience with the NSA, blending real-world issues with comedic exaggeration:
She humorously critiques the administration's handling of classified information, adding layers of satire to the political commentary.
Wanda emphasizes the importance of civility and kindness, urging audiences to embrace basic manners:
Colbert praises her message, and they wrap up the segment by promoting Wanda's "Please and Thank You Comedy Tour," leaving listeners with a positive and uplifting note.
As the episode concludes, Colbert thanks Wanda Sykes for her insightful and entertaining presence. He reminds listeners about exclusive content available on The Late Show YouTube channel, encouraging continued engagement beyond the podcast.
Satirical Political Commentary: The episode effectively uses humor to critique political figures and current events, making complex issues more accessible and entertaining.
Celebrity and Pop Culture Integration: By incorporating discussions about Gwyneth Paltrow and the passing of Pope Francis, the show blends political satire with pop culture references.
Family and Technology: Wanda Sykes brings a personal touch, discussing relatable topics like parenting in the age of social media, balancing humor with genuine concerns.
Cultural Observations: Sykes' anecdotes from her Egypt trip provide listeners with entertaining cultural insights, highlighting the blend of humor and real-world experiences.
Promoting Positivity and Civility: The episode concludes with a positive message about kindness and civility, emphasizing the show's commitment to uplifting content amidst satire.
This episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert masterfully intertwines sharp political satire with heartfelt and humorous conversations, particularly through Wanda Sykes' engaging presence. Listeners are treated to a blend of laughter, insightful commentary, and relatable stories, making it a standout episode worth tuning into.