Podcast Summary: The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy
Episode 103: Get Your Mind Right: Linking Sessions
Hosts: Dr. James Hawkins & Dr. Ryan Raina
Release Date: December 3, 2024
Episode Overview
This episode delves into the crucial but often tricky skill of "linking sessions" within Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Raina candidly share their personal growth areas and practical strategies for effectively connecting the work of previous sessions to the present, especially with challenging couples. The discussion aims to help therapists (new and seasoned) create more continuity, coherence, and impact in their therapeutic process, honoring both client work and the cumulative journey of healing.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
The Challenge—and Necessity—of Linking Sessions
- Both hosts admit linking sessions can be a weakness, particularly with tough cases or when session flow is disrupted.
- Effective linking ensures therapy is a cumulative process, preventing each session from feeling like an isolated encounter.
“Sometimes it’s linking together so that way it doesn’t feel like every session … is an island.”
— Dr. Ryan Raina [00:44]
The Tango Model and “Flagging the Minefield”
- Linking relates to “Tango Move Five,” where therapists summarize, affirm risks taken, and anticipate challenges (“flagging the minefield”) to prepare clients for recurring pitfalls.
- The approach isn’t just about critique; it balances affirming growth with spotlighting harmful “protection moves” that derail progress.
“My job is to start the session holding up a loving mirror, but a clear mirror … It can land confrontationally. So I’m trying to find language to think through: How can I hold up the mirror about this toxic protection move in a way that’s honoring, humanistic, loving—but also clear?”
— Dr. James Hawkins [02:32]
Practical Techniques for Session Linking
- Make a clear, concise note at the end of each session about where the couple left off and where to pick up next time. Review these before the next session.
- Balance pre-session preparation with openness to new, unexpected events or changes the clients bring into the room.
“If I’m being a healthy version of James in a way, before my clients come in, I try and … read some of those statements. What I’m doing is loading my nervous system in my mind already—so if this is where they were, how are you going to pick that up?”
— Dr. Ryan Raina [03:47]
The Ultimate Compliment: Remembering and Building
- Linking is framed as a way to honor the client’s efforts, showing the therapist is attuned, attentive, and invested in their unique journey.
- Over-linking (clinging too tightly to previous content and not being present) is cautioned against.
“How would you feel if you went into a surgeon’s office and they forgot who you were? … I’m not coming back to you.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [06:09]
“Can you over-link? … She goes, ‘You’re working with what’s in front of you.’ So it is here and now.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [07:02]
Metaphors: Flagging the Minefield and The Pothole
- “Flagging the minefield” means openly discussing known cycle triggers to prepare clients for similar moments.
- “The pothole” metaphor speaks to recurring patterns—if you keep hitting the same pothole, it needs to be addressed, not ignored.
“The cycle’s not done with you. When the cycle comes at you … it’s going to tell you to go away. … I want you to have your head up for that this week.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [07:57]
“If every time you make a right turn, you hit the same pothole and it blows your tire out … why would we not talk about that?”
— Dr. James Hawkins [11:47]
Therapist Language and Client Understanding
- Therapists must translate EFT concepts into both client and therapist language, making patterns and process explicit without shaming or diagnosing clients in their worst moments.
“Finding your EFT language is very important … if we assume that they see what we see, we’re just setting ourselves up for frustration because they don’t.”
— Dr. Ryan Raina [16:03]
- Authenticity and humanism matter—clients notice genuine attention, which boosts trust and engagement.
“He stopped me and goes, ‘How do you remember that? Your memory is incredible,’ which it isn’t. But … it’s a big deal that I brought his protection move back in front of him and his partner.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [15:14]
Linking in Practice: Synthesis and Flexibility
- Focus on each partner’s core “protection move,” its function (attachment survival mechanism), and its impact on the relationship.
- Validate these moves while highlighting their costs, then ask, “Is your relationship in one of those places today, or is it different?”
“Write down what is each person’s primary protection move that hurts their relationship and hurts the therapeutic process? … How does that make sense from an attachment lens? … How can I show its impact? … And then tie them together … Is your relationship in one of those places … or somewhere different?”
— Dr. James Hawkins [19:26–20:35]
Therapist Self-Reflection and Growth
- Evaluate your linking after each session or series: Did you make sense of what happened? Did you give a vision or pathway forward? Practice and refine your language regularly.
“Practice finding your language and think about … would you feel like the way you just described it to that couple … my therapist did a great job making sense out of what we did today?”
— Dr. James Hawkins [18:55]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On Session Beginnings:
“How are you going to start your session … get your mind right? We want to talk about linking … to last session.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [00:01] -
On Finding Hope and Flagging Triggers:
“You all have everything it takes to have a great relationship. Let’s be clear—the cycle’s not done with you.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [07:57] -
On Client Experience:
“If every time I come in here, I’ve got to start from square one all over, are we making any progress?”
— Dr. Ryan Raina [06:18] -
On Therapist Growth:
“Doing good EFT is like speaking a foreign language—you have to continue to engage with people who speak it, or you’re going to go back into our linear sort of shame performance world.”
— Dr. James Hawkins, quoting Jennifer Walrod [16:56] -
On Self-Evaluation:
“Can you practice going back … say, how did I do in that five? Did I make it clear? Did I link to where we were?”
— Dr. James Hawkins [18:55]
Practical Takeaways for Therapists
- End sessions by summarizing key points and flagging likely cycle triggers; make a note of where to pick up next.
- Before each session, review your linking notes and get “your mind and nervous system ready.”
- Focus your linking on each partner’s main “protection move,” validate it, but make the attachment cost and impact clear.
- Be willing to abandon your planned linking if clients arrive in a different emotional space.
- Regularly self-reflect and even role-play your linking language—“What would it feel like to be on the receiving end of myself as a therapist?”
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:01 — Opening: The importance of linking sessions
- 02:10 — Tango Move Five and “flagging the minefield”
- 03:47 — Dr. Raina’s session preparation tactics
- 06:09 — Linking as client honor and over-linking caution
- 07:51 — Using metaphors and tangible examples
- 11:47 — The pothole metaphor
- 14:36 — Concrete language for starting tough sessions
- 16:03–16:56 — The importance of EFT language; shout-outs to mentors
- 19:26–20:35 — Synthesizing protection moves and linking practically
Final Reflections
Both hosts reinforce that effective session linking isn’t about rigid adherence to prior content, but about holding the cumulative process with presence, clarity, and care. This episode equips listeners with metaphors, scripts, and mindset shifts to “get your mind right” and better support both therapist and client growth at the leading edge.
“We are our very best therapists when we’re just focused on what we can control. If I start trying to think too much outside I actually lose my focus.”
— Dr. James Hawkins [21:58]