Podcast Summary: "The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy"

Episode 127: Stage 2 Series: Caregiving Response – Step 6 Orientation to Green Lights
Date: October 7, 2025
Hosts: Dr. James Hawkins & Dr. Ryan Raina

Overview

In this episode, Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Raina take a deep dive into Stage 2, Step 6 of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): the caregiving response, focusing particularly on "green lights"—moments when a partner is ready and able to offer comfort in response to their partner's vulnerable sharing. The conversation orients therapists-in-training to the qualities, cues, and therapist interventions that enable rich, healing connections at this pivotal stage. The hosts also share clinical tips, reflections, and personal insights, helping therapists develop both technical skill and the capacity for heart-centered presence in the therapy room.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Context: What is Step 6 in EFT? (00:00–04:30)

• Step 6 involves moving from helping clients uncover their core, vulnerable beliefs about themselves (Step 5) to inviting them to share these beliefs with their partner.
• The focus shifts onto the partner—can they "be with" their loved one in this raw place?
• James: “If I can reveal that, that's tearing down another huge barrier from me being able to reach for comfort, because the reach for comfort means I have to take the risk of also being seen.” (03:25)

2. The Power & Responsibility of the Caregiver Response (04:30–06:40)

• Deep exploration of reluctance to reach increases the odds of receiving comfort from the partner.
• Vulnerability is contagious—inviting one partner to risk evokes the other's caregiving instincts.
• Ryan: “The more we explored someone's reluctance to reach, the more you increase the likelihood of the partner's acceptance.” (05:13)

3. Misconceptions about “Acceptance” (07:01–09:30)

• Acceptance isn’t condoning negative self-beliefs; it’s the willingness to sit with a partner’s reality without minimizing or “fixing.”
• Reminders against the Western tendency to offer solutions rather than presence.
• Ryan: “That word acceptance is trying to say don’t do what a lot of Western culture does, which is try to talk them out of it.” (07:55)
• James: “Even when we try and coach or reassure, we are inadvertently sending the message…that part of you cannot be on the stage with me.” (08:08)
• Use Brene Brown’s language of “joining in the hole” not rescuing from above.

4. Green, Yellow, Red Lights—Reading Caregiving Cues (12:03–12:47)

• Green Light: The caregiving partner is emotionally present and ready to offer comfort.
• Yellow Light: Mixed signals—some willingness, some resistance.
• Red Light: Partner’s body or mind resists; "cannot go there" emotionally.
• Importance of therapist being ready for any “light color,” not projecting or hoping for any specific response.
• Ryan: “Our job is to be ready for anything… The sooner that you can embrace that and keep both your feet on the ground...that’s when you’re providing the safety.” (11:07)

5. Qualities of a Genuine Green Light (12:47–14:32)

• A green light is not communication technique, but embodied, instinctual comfort.
• Slowed-down pacing, mostly nonverbal responses (touch, tone, presence).
• Ryan: “I would prefer a mostly nonverbal, caregiving response. That’s how strongly I feel that I don’t want this to be communication. So…open caregiving, like, it's very natural, very instinctual.” (13:48)

6. Techniques for Inviting Caregiving (15:32–23:59)

• Precision in therapist prompt matters: General or meta questions (“What was that like for you?”) can lead to impersonal answers.
• Use somatic cues and vivid, present-moment prompts: “Right now, right here, when you heard her voice break, when you saw her tear—what happens for your body as you heard that?”
• Use your own “risk voice” and deep presence to draw out authentic responses, mirroring the vulnerability you’re inviting.
• Ryan: “My ability to take a deep breath, be present, and I’m fine with whatever happens, I think might be the biggest key in this moment. In touch with my own vulnerability and making that vulnerable choice.” (12:18)
• James: “Don’t go over there with a general question. You will ruin your efficiencies...But what Ryan just did is what a good shooter would do. Like, hey, line it up like this…” (22:34)
• Clinical example: noticing even a pinky finger of comfort and making it explicit in session as an embodied caregiving cue.

7. The Centrality of the Caregiving System in EFT (15:32–19:25)

• The caregiving system—not just individual vulnerability—is the heartbeat of EFT.
• Responsiveness to each other creates transformative change.
• Ryan (on Sue Johnson): “But don’t forget, this is Sue’s version of don’t get it twisted. This is all about responsiveness and the caregiver.” (15:55)

8. Equal Emphasis on Deepening Both Sides (21:10–23:59)

• EFT therapists excel at dropping clients into deep emotion but must equally hone the art of inviting caregiving at depth.
• The therapist’s “risk voice” should be carried from one partner to the other to sustain the vulnerability.
• James: “We spend so much time on...learning to drop people into emotion...then we don’t spend the time on using ourselves the same way to get that caregiving response. That should be the title of this whole episode.” (22:26)
• Ryan: “Are you staying in that risk voice? Are you inviting the caregiving system at the same pacing, the same depth, with the same amount of focus that you did in your deepening?” (26:58)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It takes vulnerability to kind of invite vulnerability. Because...we are inviting the caregiver into something that's vulnerable for them too.” — James (06:10)
• “It's a whole different thing...it is a vulnerable choice because I have to touch my vulnerability to touch yours.” — Ryan (09:36)
• “When people can be responsive to each other's inner world, it changes the culture of us. We hit the synchronicity, we start dancing to the same song. People can solve their own problems.” — Ryan (15:58)
• “In stage two, I think the caregiver needs to have success at giving care at that deep limbic space. So that way they know they have it in them as well...” — James (26:35)
• “Watch yourself. This will change your career.” — Ryan (26:58)

Important Timestamps

• 00:00–04:30: Framing Step 6 in EFT and setting up the emotional context.
• 05:13: Exploring reluctance to reach and its effect on partner responsiveness.
• 07:55–08:08: The meaning of “acceptance” and common pitfalls in Western approaches.
• 12:03–12:47: Introducing the “traffic light” metaphor for caregiver readiness.
• 13:48: Description of nonverbal/embodied caregiving responses.
• 15:32–15:55: Emphasizing the core of EFT: responsiveness and caregiving.
• 21:10–22:26: Necessity of deepening the caregiving side with equal care.
• 22:34: Clinical metaphor about precision in inviting caregiving.
• 26:35–26:58: Final takeaway on risk voice and career-shifting practice.

Key Takeaways for EFT Therapists

• Step 6: Is pivotal—caregiving must be embodied, not “fixed” or intellectually addressed.
• Caregivers need support—therapists must cue, pace, and attune to draw forward authentic, limbic caregiving.
• Your risk voice matters—carry the same presence and depth to both partners.
• Precision in invitation transforms outcomes—meta questions dilute energy.
• Watch for green lights—and celebrate, anchor, and expand moments of genuine care.

This episode is an essential listen for any EFT therapist striving to get “clean” caregiving responses and to nurture the full power of the model in their room.