Episode Overview

Podcast: The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy
Episode: 129. Stage 2 Series – Hesitation and Mixed Signals in Step 6 – Yellow Lights
Date: November 11, 2025
Hosts: Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Raina

This episode delves into the nuanced work of Stage 2, Step 6 in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), with a focus on identifying and responding to "yellow lights" — moments of hesitation or mixed signals from the caregiving partner during pivotal therapeutic exchanges. The hosts explore why these moments arise, how to recognize them, and practical strategies for therapists to transform these “almost there” responses into meaningful, attuned connection. The tone is warm, supportive, and practical, speaking both to the technical and emotional demands on EFT therapists.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. What Are "Yellow Lights"?

• Definition: Yellow lights are partially open, hesitant, or mixed responses from the caregiver partner, not fully closed (red) but not deeply attuned (green) either (09:36).
• Common Example: After a partner vulnerably reveals feelings of shame or failure, the caregiving partner might respond positively but miss the mark emotionally (e.g., “I don’t want you to feel that way,” instead of, “I’m here with you in this feeling”).

2. The Impact of Yellow Lights

• Missing the Moment: Even well-intentioned reassurances can reinforce isolation if the vulnerability is not directly met.
• Attachment Implications: If a partner deals with their shame alone—even successfully—they’re still “having to get rid of some of their needs” in the relationship (05:01-06:54).
• EFT Aim: The goal is to move couples towards “green light” moments of co-regulation, which create lasting connection and validate deep needs.

3. Recognizing and Responding to Yellow Lights

• Recognize: Understand that “I don’t want you to feel that way” or efforts to reframe without deep attunement reflect partial but not full responsiveness (08:34-09:36).
• Respond: Instead of being thrown off, use curiosity and validation to gently redirect to deeper emotional presence:
  • Dr. Hawkins: "Even though you don’t see them that way, would you be willing to be with them when these feelings come up, so they don’t have to be alone with it?" (08:50-09:36)
  • Dr. Raina: "Of course you don’t [want them to feel that way]. Why do you not want them to feel that way?” which draws out care and love (11:01).

4. Techniques and Clinical Strategies

• Reframing the Yellow Light:
  • Avoid over-explaining; use efficient validation and gentle, targeted questions.
  • Instead of “why?” (“Why do you feel that way?”), frame questions to elicit emotion and presence, not storytelling (09:36-11:50).
• Facilitate Co-Regulation:
  • Pass the comforting, accepting message across: “It’s ok for you to feel that way in my presence. You don’t have to hide it from me, and when those thoughts come for you, I’ll stand right next to you” (12:52-13:03).
• Navigate Confusion or Disorientation:
  • Disorientation is common, especially in withdrawals when confronted with a pursuer’s hidden vulnerability—normalize, validate, and gently help the caregiving partner articulate and grow their caring response (13:18-15:29).
• Practical Tip: “My job’s to see if we can get it green today.” Use validation, presence, and a back-and-forth exploration of protective and longing parts to foster growth.

5. Therapist Self-care

• Emotional Labor: Both hosts stress how demanding this work can be (“the emotional rubber coming off the tires”) (02:12).
• Well-being: “Please, I want to encourage you…do things that…help you be connected with yourself and with nature…and please have a community of people that you love that love you” (02:12-02:49).
• Memorable Advice: “Never try to save money on tires, shoes, or mattresses…you’re going to spend most of your time on those three” – a light moment connecting therapist self-care with basic life wisdom (02:49-02:59).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Therapist Readiness:

  “When you can ground yourself in that to say whatever comes up, I’ve got an attuned sort of counter move, that’s when you start to do eft…Until that day, you’re not really present.”
  — Dr. Ryan Raina, (01:45)

• On Reassurance vs. Presence:

  “When you start trying to reassure them of the positive without recognizing it, you are almost reinforcing the very message…Because then once again, even if you don’t see them that way, they are then left alone to wrestle with those negative.”
  — Dr. James Hawkins, (03:42-04:53)

• On Recognizing Yellow Lights:

  “If a therapist doesn’t recognize, oh, that’s a yellow light, not a green light…green light is completely open and responsive. Yellow light is partially open mix. Red light is, I’m closed.”
  — Dr. Ryan Raina, (09:36-11:50)

• On Co-Regulation:

  “If I can co-regulate with you now, your autocoregulation is effective because you’re not having to do a cutoff…That’s the beauty of what Sue really gave to the world, is that truth.”
  — Dr. Ryan Raina, (05:01-06:54)

• The Ultimate Green Light:

  “It’s okay for you to feel that way in my presence. You don’t have to hide it from me. And when those thoughts come for you, I’ll stand right next to you. I’ll be right with you.”
  — Dr. James Hawkins, (12:52-13:03)

Important Timestamps

• 03:11 – Introduction to the “yellow light” phenomenon with caregiving partners
• 04:53 – How reassurances can inadvertently leave the partner alone
• 05:01 – 06:54 – In-depth reflection on co-regulation and its significance in EFT
• 08:34 – Most common “yellow light” (“I don’t want you to feel that way”)
• 09:36 – Practical approaches for redirecting yellow lights to green
• 11:01 – Example language for deepening the emotional exchange
• 12:52 – 13:03 – The ideal caregiver message (“It’s okay for you to feel that way in my presence…”)
• 13:18 – 15:29 – Managing confusion and disorientation in caregiving responses

Style and Tone

• Supportive and Honest: The hosts openly reflect on therapist vulnerabilities, the emotional toll of the work, and their ongoing learning.
• Pragmatic and Encouraging: Offers practical, digestible advice for handling common, tricky moments in EFT.
• Relatable: Sprinkled with metaphors, humor, and personal stories to humanize the process.

Takeaway Message

"Yellow lights" are an expected and essential part of the EFT process—moments when the caregiving partner isn’t quite attuned but is still engaged. Effective therapists don’t panic or label these as failures; instead, they use targeted, validating interventions to gently move toward deeper connection. Therapist self-care and community are vital for maintaining this work on the “leading edge,” both personally and professionally.

“Your work matters. You’re changing lives. Don’t give up.”
— Dr. Ryan Raina, (16:11)