20. When Things Go ”Bad” Pt1 of 2

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy Episode 20: When Things Go "Bad" Pt1 of 2 Release Date: November 14, 2021

In Episode 20 of The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), hosts Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Raina delve into the inevitable setbacks that occur during the therapeutic process. This episode focuses on understanding and managing moments when therapy sessions do not unfold as intended, introducing the concept of "ditch enactments" as a strategic response within EFT.

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1. Embracing Setbacks in the Therapeutic Process

Dr. Ryan Raina opens the discussion by highlighting that setbacks are a natural component of meaningful change and growth in therapy. He states, “In any meaningful change process or growth process, there are inevitable setbacks. It's a part of the process. If you're not having setbacks, you're probably not doing something worthwhile.” [00:01]

Dr. James Hawkins echoes this sentiment, emphasizing EFT as a dynamic and humbling model that continuously pushes therapists to advance their understanding and application of EFT principles. The hosts set the stage for the episode by acknowledging that not all therapy sessions progress smoothly, and addressing these challenges is crucial for effective therapeutic outcomes.

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2. Introducing Ditch Enactments

The core of the episode revolves around the concept of "ditch enactments," a term coined by the hosts to describe situations where a therapy session hits unexpected turbulence. Dr. Ryan Raina elaborates on this metaphor:

“It's like a plane that you're flying smoothly, you're going along, and then boom, it's just turbulence and it's just shaking. And it just feels like this person put this big thing out there and you... just feels like it's not going to happen.” [01:20]

A ditch enactment occurs when a client's attempt to engage vulnerably in therapy is met with an unexpected block or withdrawal from the partner, akin to a pilot facing an emergency landing. This scenario presents a significant challenge: how can therapists navigate these moments without inadvertently discouraging clients from taking future emotional risks?

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3. The Aviation Metaphor: Navigating Therapeutic Turbulence

To elucidate the concept, Dr. Ryan Raina employs an aviation metaphor, comparing therapy sessions to flight operations. He explains:

“Most important part about being a pilot, James, is to not die. If you want to write that down. Extra note there.” [02:50]

He continues to describe how pilots are trained for emergencies, not for smooth flights:

“They train for things to go wrong. And so if they're in a plane and they run out of fuel or lose an engine... they start checking down. It's like, okay, well let's do what we can here.” [03:30]

Similarly, therapists must be prepared for sessions where clients cannot engage as expected. The ditch enactment metaphor serves as a guide for therapists to manage these challenging moments skillfully, ensuring that even when things go awry, the therapeutic process remains respectful and constructive.

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4. Strategies for Managing Ditch Enactments

Dr. Ryan Raina and Dr. James Hawkins discuss practical strategies for handling ditch enactments within EFT:

• Expect Blocks: Therapists should anticipate that not all attempts to engage will be successful. Raina mentions, “Don't be surprised when it doesn't work. Don't be surprised when you get a block.” [06:32]

• Utilize EFT Techniques: Employing methods like CPR (Catch, Permission, Reset), parts work, and slicing moves can help navigate blocks. For instance, Raina describes parting out a client’s conflicting emotions to facilitate a response:

  “Hey, a part of you would love to believe you matter that much... This is really hard to hear right here.” [07:00]

• Implementing the Ditch Enactment: When traditional EFT techniques are exhausted, the ditch enactment offers an alternative approach. Raina explains:

  “Instead of no response when I can't get a good response, let's get an okay response and let's give a little bit of explanation for why I can't respond.” [07:45]

This involves acknowledging the difficulty of the moment and providing a compassionate explanation for the lack of response, thereby maintaining therapeutic integrity and keeping the door open for future emotional engagement.

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5. Personal Insights and Reflections

The hosts share their personal experiences and reflections on managing difficult therapy sessions. Dr. Ryan Raina recounts his own challenges as a less experienced therapist, illustrating the emotional toll and the learning curve associated with handling setbacks:

“I've been knocked off the horse and just feel terrible about ourselves. It's still a pretty good session.” [07:10]

Dr. James Hawkins adds depth to the discussion by highlighting the importance of remaining present and compassionate, even when clients struggle to respond. He emphasizes that ditch enactments, while not ideal, provide a crucial opportunity for clients to feel heard and understood, preventing retraumatization through neglect.

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6. The Impact of Therapist Confidence

A significant takeaway from the episode is the vital role of therapist confidence in fostering a safe therapeutic environment. Dr. Ryan Raina notes:

“The more relaxed or confident the therapist is, the more safe your clients feel. The more safe your clients feel, the more risk they're likely to take.” [26:14]

By preparing for ditch enactments and having a plan to manage them, therapists can maintain their composure, which in turn enhances clients' sense of safety and willingness to engage deeply in therapy.

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7. Moving Forward

As the episode concludes, the hosts hint at further exploration of the ditch enactment concept in the next installment (Episode 21), where they will discuss how to summarize sessions that did not go as planned and outline strategies for moving forward constructively.

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. Ryan Raina: “In any meaningful change process or growth process, there are inevitable setbacks. It's a part of the process. If you're not having setbacks, you're probably not doing something worthwhile.” [00:01]

• Dr. James Hawkins: “EFT is a dynamic model that humbles even the most seasoned therapists.” [00:26]

• Dr. Ryan Raina: “They train for things to go wrong. And so... we got to stay there. In a way, what we're kind of calling it here is a ditch enactment.” [03:30]

• Dr. Ryan Raina: “We don't mean like necessarily something bad. It's actually a skillful maneuver on the part of the pilot to put the plane down in a way with as less damage as possible and less loss of life as possible.” [08:02]

• Dr. Ryan Raina: “The more relaxed or confident the therapist is, the more safe your clients feel. The more safe your clients feel, the more risk they're likely to take.” [26:14]

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Conclusion

Episode 20 of The Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy provides invaluable insights into handling the challenging moments that inevitably arise in therapy sessions. By introducing the concept of ditch enactments and equating them with emergency landings in aviation, Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Raina offer therapists practical strategies to navigate setbacks effectively. This approach not only preserves the therapeutic alliance but also fosters an environment where clients feel safe to take emotional risks, even when initial responses are not as expected.

For therapists seeking to enhance their skills in managing difficult therapeutic moments, this episode serves as a crucial resource, laying the groundwork for deeper exploration in the subsequent episode.

Transcript

[Dr. Ryan Raina]

In any meaningful change process or growth process, there are inevitable setbacks. It's a part of the process. If you're not having setbacks, you're probably not doing something worthwhile. So how do we handle these setbacks in session? When the case. When the session doesn't go like we want to, we're going to spend episode 20 and 21 talking about when bad things happen.

[Dr. James Hawkins]

Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy with your hosts, Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Raina. EFT is a dynamic model that humbles even the most seasoned therapists. Together, we want to come alongside you as you continually push the leading edge of your understanding and application of this wonderful model developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

[Dr. Ryan Raina]

Yeah. So talking about when these sessions go bad. And so first we're going to talk about these ditch enactments, Ryan. And when we're talking about ditch enactments just to help people out, you know, sometimes I'll be in the middle of a session. We've done some great work moving through one and through two. We've distilled the motion down and the person might be in a really vulnerable place. We're on mission that tears come forward, that vulnerability has come forward. We get it really clear, concise. We get those body markers in. What would it be like to share this? I feel a little nervousness in my body. All right, I'm right here with you. And this is that place where sometimes it's hard to send out that clear signal about what's going on here for you. But I want to stay here with you and help you send this message over to your partner. And maybe they do it. They do a great job. But then just something happens. You look into that partner's eyes and all of a sudden you look something on their body, or maybe you'd even notice. And then all of a sudden it's just like, nah, I can't do it today. Not today, buddy. Not today. And then it's just like, it feels like the enactment, like it's like a plane that you're flying smoothly, you're going along, and then boom, it's just turbulence and it's just shaking. And you just feel like this person put this big thing out there and you check and you try and parts work and. And what would it be like in helping get them open? But it just feels like it's not going to happen. But we can't just let it fall. We don't want to inadvertently teach this person not to reach anymore. And so we. And we also don't Want to just run away from it and then teach the other person to not respond. Like somehow they're inept or they don't have the words or something's just. They can't do it. So we got to stay there. In. In a way, what we're kind of calling it here is a ditch enactment.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

I got a question, a metaphor.

Let's go.

Have you ever had a really bad day, James? Yeah, like really bad. All right, me too. I had one about a month ago. I can't remember what it is now why I had such a bad day. I got up, I tried my best, said my prayers, tried to help people. One thing after another just hits keep on coming. I think I was sick, too. That doesn't help. And I was tired. I think I'd been on a trip, which was pretty common for me in the past six months. Just exhausted, sick, lots of problems, lots of challenges. Two, three people mad at me. And then I try to fix it, they get more mad at me. I went home, went to bed at 7:00, and my family's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm trying to get this day over. And what I'm trying to say is, I just can't do it today. I didn't give up on life. I wasn't suicidal. But today, can't do it. I think we've all had those days. What's that say about me? I don't know. Nothing, maybe. But I promise you one thing. Your clients are going to have those days. And we're trying to do this deep experiential work, and sometimes the timing is just not good for them. Maybe work's been hard that day, or maybe they're sick. And so I think it's helpful to have a plan. So the term ditch enactment is a metaphor. It's not a great metaphor, apparently. Let me tell you where it comes from. It comes from aviation. I have a family member who's was an army aviator, so I went and interviewed him about this to make sure I was somewhat accurate on this podcast. And he said, yeah, that's just a slang term for what's called a forced landing. So here's what I mean. I'm in an airplane. Most important part about being a pilot, James, is to not die. If you want to write that down. Extra note there. So, yeah, you got it. I mean, landings are the hardest part of being a pilot. And, you know, if you're up there and you start having problems, that's that's really what pilots train for, which I think is a nice metaphor for us too. They don't train for the smooth, easy days where everything's easy and there's no wind and it's, you know, perfectly sunny. They train for things to go wrong. And so if they're in a plane and they run out of fuel for some reason or they lose an engine and they start to realize we don't have the ability to make the preferred Runway, like, we can't make it to Laguardia or Hartsville or Heathrow in London. Like that nice 7,000 foot Runway that's wide and long. We don't have the juice. We can't get there. So they start doing, they start checking down. It's like, okay, well let me go to a smaller Runway. They're like, you can't make it there either. Like, okay, let's see if we can find an interstate and clear the traffic. Let's see if we can't find that. Let's find a little small highway or let's find a field that's open and we're going to ditch land or force landing or just sort of ditch the plane. And by ditch meaning, like, let's get it down, not ideal, let's do something with it. Because you can't just be in the air and make it just stop. We got to go somewhere with this thing. That's the way we think about our clients when we're on mission. Once someone has taken a vulnerable risk in our office, the therapist will always catch first. Always. But we really want to create every scenario we possibly can for the partner to also respond. In doing so, we have created a corrective experience of secure attachment. The question is, what if they can't that day? So what we're meaning specifically with a ditch enactment is the person who's the responder that day when it's their time to respond, to complete the mission or finish the mission, like we've talked about on previous podcasts. And they can't do it. What do we do? That making sense?

Yeah.

You want to comment on that? Or you can keep going.

I like what you're saying. Just to clarify, I liked how you're making the clarifying this metaphor for people. We're not say, ditch it. Like hit the eject button and get out. We're saying we got to stick with the plane, their souls on board, and we got to get them down on the ground to a place of safety. Yeah, I like that.

Yeah. Maybe it's not ideal, but some Landing is better than no landing.

Exactly. Because. Exactly. If you think about the metaphor, the wrong way is as therapists, we cannot just hit the eject. But right as we can't even get the partner that can't respond to just hit the eject button or the person who took a vulnerable risk. Like, I put my vulnerability out there and it's not going to get, I'm out of here.

But I have before. You know, as a, as a less experienced therapist, I'm like, ugh, I'm trying this and nothing's working. It's just so chaotic. And one person got halfway vulnerable, the other person blew them up and I just like changed the focus. And that's okay if you have as well. In fact, I think you're probably lying if you hadn't. But the fact is that's not a great session. It's not our best work, it's not what we're hoping to have happen. And you do inadvertently teach the person to not risk next time. The good news is people are resilient. They'll usually try again a time or two. But we really want to try to avoid this if at all possible. So by ditch, we don't mean like necessarily something bad. It's actually a skillful maneuver on the part of the pilot to put the plane down in a way with as less damage as possible and less loss of life as possible. That's the metaphor.

All right, Ryan, so what we're going to do then, let's go ahead and take a quick break and come back and talk about how to do that. Do you want more help getting focused in your work with relationships and distress? But you need it to fit into your already busy schedule and you want it to be affordable. Check out successandvulnerability.com Success and vulnerability is an excellent online video based curriculum developed by a team of EFT trainers, supervisors and therapists who share their unique insights and therapeutic styles to help you succeed at working with relational distress. The SV program is for therapists at all stages of development who want to grow in their ability to work with emotional and relational distress. Success and Vulnerability is also a great tool to help supervisors increase their effectiveness and supervision. To help give focused expert feedback to help people get better in their work with couples and families and even individuals. Success and Vulnerability uses multiple forms of learning from didactic to experiential exercises and actual clinical cases with commentary to help you learn the micro moves of emotionally focused therapy. We look forward to be a part of helping you and your clients have success where it matters most, invulnerability. All right, Ryan, so how do we skillfully land this plane?

Yeah. So just a review here. You get someone to open up and to share something new, different, and deeper. And you do what we want to do in eft, as long as it's new, different, and deeper. We want to set up an enactment, doing it while it's hot. Why it's live is what we're looking for. And you come over and first of all, reviewing by way of review here, don't be surprised when it doesn't work. Don't be surprised when you get a block. In fact, I would say 65% of responders in my office give me some kind of a block. Most of the time, they're not huge blocks. Most of the time they're kind of what we sometimes call yellow lights or just wobbles. And the majority of the time, you can, especially if you expect it, you can move towards that block. You can dissect it, or. I like your phrase, you can part it out and they will bring forth a decent to good response. Other times, you part it out. So in other words, parting it out for me would sound like, hey, a part of you would love to believe you matter that much. This bigger part of you, though, goes, if my partner really cared, they would be choosing me more often, or I wouldn't always be the bad guy. Right. So this is really hard to hear right here. Is that making sense? So can you come back over here to this part? And most of the time they're like, okay, yeah. And they go to a green light. They say, yeah, I really. I really hurt with you. I want to be here with you. They reach over, they grab a hand, and then we finish the mission. And life goes on with a good EFT session. Sometimes they double block you, and at that point, we want to slice it thinner. So instead of saying, can you share how this touched your heart? You know, can you, you know, let them know you care? You know? And so we slice it thinner, we slice it thinner, we slice it thinner, you know, and we're trying to not change the focus just because we're getting blocked. So we do cpr. We catch it, we give it permission, we reset this, and sometimes it's just not working. So now I've done cpr, I've done parts, I've sliced it thinner. All the. All the traditional EFT ways of thinking about this, and we're just now running out of time. And this person over on the other end of the couch, it's kind of been a long time with their, you know, I've already caught them. Okay. So I've already like, you know, responded and affirmed their risk, but the partner is showing me I can't do it right. So in collaboration with George Fowler, other people here, we've kind of developed this concept which we call the ditch enactment, which is, okay, we're not going to be able to bring this in for a pre landing. Our engine's out, we got one tire and it's half deflated and it's like, okay, well let's do what we can here. So it's pretty simple. Pause. You know, my dissertation topic years ago was on survivors of child abuse. And if you study child abuse, by far the worst form of child abuse isn't sexual, physical, what have you. It's actually neglect. So for a child to not be responded to at all is the most damaging of any kind of child abuse. All right? So you know, adults, it's different and yet it's not that different. In some ways we're grown up children. So to make a risk that gets no response is a worst case scenario. So I would, instead of no response when I can't get a good response, let's get an okay response and let's give a little bit of explanation for why I can't respond. So some pretty cool things happen with the ditch enactment. So it's like James, today it's been tough, huh? This is, you've been here many times before. James just became my responding partner just instantly. Nicola, his partner's next to him and I'm like, James, this has been a hard road, man. And today this has been a really hard session. Right? And maybe a part of you, you know, doesn't want her to feel that way. But today you just can't do it. Like it's just been too much today and maybe later we can try this again, but for today it's just been too much and I can't do it. He says, yes. I say, can you turn right now and can you tell your partner that? Can you tell your partner, yeah, I do care for you, but today I'm hurting so much I just can't respond. That would be a ditch enactment, the ditch being the nickname for that kind of enactment. Okay, not ideal, but it is still a response and it's a response with explanation. So if James turns and he says, yeah, I do care today I'm hurting, I just can't do it today, that still gives his partner's body some response. It's Way better than no response, particularly after I have affirmed your partner's reach. Okay. So there's, There's. That's what a ditch enactment is.

Yeah.

So go ahead.

And so what I would like to even say to that is not even I appreciate the one part about response. And what a powerful statement. You know, there's so much in abuse, and we know that, that our listeners might have some. But I love what you're saying is because even for with abuse and trauma, some of it is even they did try and report it. No one heard and no one listened. No one responded.

Right.

And so we're not trying to do something that is traumatic to the human heart, which is no response. But what I also love that you're doing this. I say you. What we are doing and what we hope we help you do is you're helping the person with what happens for them at home. What I mean is there are some days they don't even get to put words to. It's too much. So you helped organize something for them.

Right.

And instead of them either just walking away or attacking and moving away, you gave them a better option to at least look in their partner's eyes and say, I can see that you're hurting or I care, I just can't. Yeah, that's a vulnerable move.

It's still vulnerable. Yeah.

So to me it is. So I appreciate then, rather than just, like you said, hitting the eject button and getting out and just leaving the moment.

Yeah. And those are the two things I'd love for people to load. Yeah, I do care, but today I'm hurting and I can't. So those are. You've actually said, I care, and you've actually shown some vulnerable emotion. Right. Even though you can't catch them when they jumped, you are giving some explanation. So I think it's really, really important to do that. I think it helps us as therapists not feel like we just got knocked off the horse and just feel terrible about ourselves. It's still a pretty good session. Don't forget this, though. A percentage of the time. James, once I capture and I've worked with his parts and so forth, when he turns to Nikola, sometimes the magic of Eft happens and he has a new experience, which we'll talk about right after this break.

We just want to take a minute and thank you for being a part of the Leading Edge podcast. We are really inspired and grateful when we hear from you in trainings or through social media about how this content is truly helping you push the Leading Edge of your learning and being able to apply emotionally focused couples therapy with your clients and some of you also in your own personal lives. And so at this moment, we just want to ask you to consider helping us out.

Yeah. James, I appreciate you saying that. When we first started this, we had no idea it would take off like it has. We get contacts from all over the world, so it's really cool to think that we're coming through your speakers, in your devices, or however you listen to us. And we appreciate that. It's really an honor. And like James is saying, we want to ask you to consider helping us make this sustainable. We've gone back and forth on how we want to handle money or if we want to involve that. But the reality is, to make this sustainable, we do need to do some things and make some investments. So we have a Venmo account, which we would love to ask you to consider partnering with us and joining us to make this sustainable, to take this to other people who are trying to help others around the world and even the next generation of therapists. So you want to talk about how they can do that?

Yeah. If you want to be a part and you can to support us, you can go to on Venmo Cauclpc or on CashApp Cauclpc with a dollar sign in the front and in the subject line, just to help us know that you're a Leading Edge listener and you want to support us, please, please put Leading Edge, or here's a fun one we're doing. We're playing with Ryan. Put left in the comment line. Because you are part of the Leading Edge and Emotionally Focused therapy.

There you go. So at Doc Hawk lpc.

That's correct.

Okay. All right. And I want to say one thing really, really quickly. You know, depending on where you are in life, if you're living, check to check if money is tight for you and. Or if you're somewhere and you're really serving an underserved population, please do not give us money. We do not want your money. We won't take it. We'll send it back somehow, because that's not what this is about. But if you're at a place where you're doing okay or maybe even doing really well, and ideas from this podcast, if you use them professionally, for which you receive fees for your services, consider partnering with us. We had people who've donated $300 or $50, whatever it is, for you. We trust that our listeners are going to make the best decision for them. We just want to make this available for you. You're welcome to continue joining us if you don't give.

All right, Ryan, so what is this? Kind of like you said, the. The sauce or the magic in it?

Yes. Yeah. Well, just what you. As we talked about in a previous episode with enactments, enactments are the magic of eft. And I can't tell you how many times, and I know this is true for you and our listeners. You know, you're working with somebody, you're getting their inner world more clear, and it's feeling really, really clean and smooth. And it's like, okay, this is about to go good. And then you're like, can you turn right now and can you tell them about X, Y or Z? And they're like, yeah. And then they turn, and when their eyes meet their partner, a whole new energy enters your office. I can tell you some crazy stories about that someday, but not today. And that energy changes things. It can definitely change things for the worst. Sometimes sad goes to angry or whatever. It may be a more protected version of the share or someone exits. So we've definitely experienced hundreds of times where doing an enactment actually reactivates protection and therefore a cycle. But don't forget, it can work the other way a percentage of time with ditch enactments. I say, james, it's been really, really hard. Maybe you do care, but today you just can't do what you're hurting too much. Can you tell her that? And you do, and you say, okay. And you turn and you see her eyes, you see your partner's eyes. And that same energy, which can sometimes create blocks, can sometimes take down blocks. So halfway through, you say, I do care about you. And all of a sudden you veer off topic. And next thing you know, you send a very, very attuned response. I do care for you. I have been hurting, and yet I'm not going to leave you alone in pain. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm not going to be here for you. You know, when you put your arm around your partner and next thing you know, what seemed like it was going to be a ditch enactment became a really good enactment, became a very attuned, responsive, secure, bonding response. And that's part of why I like this idea of ditch enactment. Like, stay with it, stay with it, stay with it. Finish the mission, even if it doesn't seem like it's going to work. Go ahead and have them pass an attachment reason for why they can't respond today and go for the experience. Because sometimes that Enactment does activate the longings, too. Enactments are always going to activate protection and. Or longings. Usually some of both. But sometimes with the ditch enactment, I've spent so much time with your body, and I think this is the explanation. I've spent so much time with your body, you get the experience that I have heard your protest, I have heard your side of the story, and therefore now you're ready to set it aside a little bit and let your partner see that you still care. But if I'd. If I change the focus, I don't give you a chance to do that.

Yeah. And so what I like about this, because there's a way you saying stay with it. And what you're saying is stay with it is not stay with your original intended purpose. Even though you see this plane is going down, you need to pick a spot because that could be the mistake. And so what I mean by that, and I've done it myself and, you know, I've helped people through it in supervision. But it's that one where you kind of have your mind, like, I'm going to get this warm bonding response back. And that's where you keep trying to talk softly to the person. Yes. But can't you see right now in her eyes, and she's this and she's that. I get that. Especially if, like, you know, Ryan and I talked about in episodes 18 and 19, these two different paths, especially if they are able to be in like, path two, where there's some more openness. But when they keep showing, like, I can't. I just can't being able to switch there and now. But the stay with it is part you're talking about is stay with attachment. Stay with attachment. Still working with your partner shared something. And what attachment and what this frame shows me is it did something to your body. I have to trust that and give it voice to speak. But partly because they are in our office at least, and hopefully we've cleared this up in, you know, stage one, step one, we did assessment that there's something about them here where they have some goals that are in a way kind of close or proximate to each other, that they're wanting to work on the bond. So I can pull from that assessment now and like, but there's a part of you that you're Ryan, you're going to the other part and letting it speak. So I'm staying with attachment. Even though I had to make a pivot in what I was doing in some ways with that enactment, you.

You really like this, James.

Yes, I do.

You were. You've been saying let's do a pot an episode on ditch enactments for some time. How come?

Yeah. Thank you. That just hit me. I should tell that story. You can feel the emotion coming out my voice. Good at two minute. I like that. But here's why and what I hope that you as EFT therapists can take in. It sucks to be in these moments and not have any idea of what you can do. I have been in supervision with some awesome EFT therapists. I wish I could say their names, but I didn't ask them before we got on here. And they've been moved to tears, Ryan, where they could feel how horrible this moment feels. And they just wish that they had something to do in that moment because it sucks not just for the person they had take the risk, but they feel the pain and the stuckness of the person that can't quite reach back. And so why this matters for me, it makes me. One, it helps me. I have something to do there. Two, it also helps adjust my body. As we're doing eft, it's not just about what we're doing to our clients, but when we get stuck to already have some preloaded kind of ideas of what I can do, it helps give my body an ability to not feel like this is when we're going to. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, everybody's gonna die. It's. I might not be able to land at the airport, get to the gate and go have a nice meal in the airport, we might have to put it down in this field. But we. But we. I can make a skillful landing out of this. Another part, I think why this matters to me, Ryan, it helps me not be afraid of enactments some. Because if the only way you can feel your body to feel sure about enactments is I've got to be able to make the beautiful plan landing at JFK or LaGuardia. Well, it's going to be a hard day because you're never going to Quite know if LaGuardian JFK is clear or not. The radio control tower might not be able to give you a signal that it's clear for landing.

You may not have the juice to get there.

But knowing I have the skills to be Holly on the Hudson or Sully. Sully. I could be Holly on the. I could be Captain Sully on the Hudson.

Yeah.

I could find a whole lot more confident that day.

Exactly. That's kind of what I was saying too, is to Have a plan for when bad things happen. Really just helps you relax. I want to tell you a funny thing about that. The more relaxed or confident the therapist is, the more safe your clients feel. The more safe your clients feel, the more risk they're likely to take. Our attachment systems are a part of this, too. And so if I set up an enactment and I desperately need the responder to get it right, I actually decrease the likelihood that they can. So expect blocks. Have your CPR ready. Have your parts work ready, your phrases for that. Have your slice at thinner moves ready. Sounds like you're sorry that they feel that way. Can you tell them that? No. Because today I'm angry. Okay. All right. Thanks for. I appreciate you speaking your truth. Keep going, keep going, keep going. To a ditch enactment. Maybe I do care, but today I'm just hurt. Or today I'm just angry. All that is still better than nothing. Can you turn and you tell your partner that right now? Give that eye contact the chance to work. If they do it just like you said it, then you can put this back in the cycle for a summary. Can try it on for the partner. They might show their pain. Or sometimes the partners are like, you know, I get it, I get it. I can see all the years where I hurt them, and I understand. It's okay, honey. It's okay. And next thing you know, that person's in tears. So another good thing that can possibly happen. Or worst case scenario, they crossed their arms too, and it was just an altogether bad day. We need to call it a. Call it a day, summarize it up. Hey, guys, like we'll talk about in the next episode, the cycle kind of won today. Here's how it happened, here's what went down. Here's the good reasons. If you want to, we'll pick it up next week, you know, and you move forward with life. And that's a part of. That's a part of this thing. And so we'll talk about that more in episode 21. Thanks for being with us today. Hey, I want to put a quick plug in for iSeft. You may or may not be familiar with that organization, but Iseft is the International center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. It's kind of our parent organization, or the mothership, as we might say. This is Sue Johnson and her wonderful team of trainers, administrators who have been working since the mid-80s to bring about, sustain and advanced everything EFT around the world. As we say at our trainings, if you're just on a first date with eft or just sort of somewhat involved? Maybe not. But if you really love EFT or EFT is your home, you should consider joining ISEF as an organization. That's the organization that organizes our trainings. It's a great website. ISEF.com their research page alone is worth a visit. You can keep up with what's going on all around the world. If there's a core skills in New Zealand, it'll be on that website. So a great opportunity to hear about our specialty trainings. Addiction, infidelity, efit, working with individuals. So consider checking out ISEF.com and maybe joining the International center for Excellence and Emotionally Focused Therapy.

[Dr. James Hawkins]

Thank you for listening. We hope this experience helps you push the leading edge in your work to help people connect with themselves and with each other. Please subscribe to our podcast and leave us a five star review. You can contact us at pushtheleadingedgemail.com and you can follow us on our Facebook page at pushtheleadingedge. You can follow Ryan on Facebook at Ryan Rayner Professional Training and on his website ryanraynatraining.com youm can follow James on Facebook and Instagram at Doc hawklpc. You can also check out his website dochawklpc.com.