The Little Shaman: On Narcissists & Toxic Personalities

Episode 254: Why Narcissists Lie
Host: The Little Shaman (Shaman Sister Sin)
Release Date: November 19, 2024

Episode Overview

In this episode, The Little Shaman delves deep into the perplexing question: Why do narcissists lie? She explores the overwhelming frequency and variety of lies that emerge in relationships with narcissistic personalities, explaining not only the mechanics of their deception but also the deeper psychological and existential reasons behind it. The episode aims to help listeners understand the instability and confusion these interactions create, and how lies—big and small—become the very foundation of a narcissist's identity and social existence.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Ubiquity and Nature of Lies in Narcissism

• Narcissists lie “about anything, lies about everything. Lies about nothing. Lies that make no sense, lies that make too much sense.”
  (00:22)
• Lies range from trivial details (“what TV show they were watching”) to entire fabricated life stories and achievements.
• Such a volume and diversity of lies creates a climate of “disorientation and confusion”—a “house built on quicksand or a castle made of air.”
  (02:41)

2. Intentional Deception vs. Self-Deception

• Many lies are intentional, designed to “hide things they’re doing...or their emotions.”
  (03:13)
• Narcissists feel “powerful and clever when they're able to trick or deceive other people.”
  (03:39)
• Information control is central: “Information is power to narcissists for many reasons.”
  (03:45)
• “Narcissists don’t just lie to other people, they lie to themselves. Arguably, they lie to themselves more than anybody else.”
  (12:23)

3. Control, Shame, Vulnerability, and Fear

• The root of deception often centers on fear of exposure, vulnerability, or being “seen for who they really are.”
  (04:20)
• They are threatened by not knowing something, attaching “disproportionate shame...to being wrong,” often arguing “things that are very easy to prove incorrect,” or refusing to admit ignorance.
  (05:35)
• There's an “almost phobic reaction to not knowing,” driving impulsive assumptions or jumping to conclusions.
  (06:17)

4. Power Dynamics and Projected Realities

• Many lies are about power: maintaining the upper hand in any relationship or situation, or punishing perceived threats, even when unfounded.
  (07:36)
• Narcissists never fully know others and see anyone as capable of anything. “You are essentially a stranger to them forever.”
  (07:49)

5. The Fantasy Identity and Its Fragility

• Most deception is woven into an illusion, a constructed self-image, because “they can’t tolerate it being any other way.... if they don’t matter, they don’t exist.”
  (12:49)
• The narcissist’s only concrete existence is “in the minds of other people”—which is why controlling others' perception is vital.
  (13:29)

6. The Cycle of Validation and Instability

• They depend on others’ reactions to validate their fantasy self—like actors responding to “special effects” in movies. “People’s reactions concretize narcissist projected identities.”
  (15:08)
• Truth and facts are “negligible. They are whatever the narcissist says they are. Essentially, whatever they can believe and get other people to believe.”
  (15:53)
• This leads to an ever-shifting reality, where yesterday’s truths are denied today, creating chronic confusion and instability in relationships.
  (17:22)

7. Superficial Social Bonds & Constant Image Management

• They are often more “invested in people they barely know” because the fantasy image has not yet been eroded by prolonged contact and reality.
  (21:31)
• With those who know them well, the illusion falters, and reactions become less satisfying or even damaging to their self-image, fueling cycles of conflict or smear campaigns.
  (23:06)

8. Fundamental Illusion—The Core of Narcissistic Nature

• Drawing from culture and philosophy (Wizard of Oz and Marcus Aurelius), The Little Shaman illustrates how narcissists are “an illusion,” whose “nature is to deceive” themselves and others.
  (26:02)
• The provision for healing: “The way to combat this is to stay grounded in reality and stick with the facts.”
  (29:32)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The sheer number of lies involved when dealing with a narcissist can be staggering, as can be the things that are lied about.”
  (00:21, The Little Shaman)

• “If you believe it, if you act on it, if you react to it, if you live it, then they can too....The entire life of the pathologically narcissistic personality is a lie.”
  (13:11, The Little Shaman)

• “People never sure of where they stand or what exactly is true. It's like a house built on quicksand or a castle made of air. Deception and falsehood permeate the entire climate of the situation...”
  (02:41, The Little Shaman)

• “No one is a bigger target for the narcissist deceptions than they themselves are. And no one is ever hurt by their lies more, which is really saying a lot.”
  (12:25, The Little Shaman)

• “With pathologically narcissistic personalities....at their core, narcissists are an illusion. Therefore their nature is to deceive.”
  (26:02, The Little Shaman)

• “When you engage with a person who is pathologically narcissistic, you are engaging with an illusion. You are engaging with deception.”
  (27:40, The Little Shaman)

• [Wizard of Oz analogy] “He was not. It was an illusion created by perception...Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
  (25:29, The Little Shaman)

Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:22 — Introduction to the scope and scale of narcissists’ lying
• 03:13 — Intentional deception, information control, and feeling “powerful and clever”
• 05:35 — Shame and discomfort with being wrong or uncertain
• 07:36 — Paranoid assumptions, “if you could do that, then you basically did do that”
• 12:23 — Narcissists’ self-deception: lying to themselves more than to others
• 13:29 — Why controlling others’ perception is existential
• 15:08 — The role of others’ reactions in supporting narcissist identity
• 17:22 — The confusion created by ever-changing narratives
• 21:31 — Investment in new relationships over old ones
• 23:06 — Why image management fails with those who know them well
• 25:29 — The Wizard of Oz metaphor and the man behind the curtain
• 26:02 — The fundamental nature of narcissists as illusions
• 29:32 — Staying anchored in reality as means of self-protection

Summary Takeaway

The Little Shaman makes clear that with narcissists, deception is not just a tool—it’s the very fabric of their reality, identity, and relationships. Understanding this, and recognizing the instability it introduces, is critical for anyone seeking to heal or maintain boundaries. As Shaman Sister Sin notes:
“To boil it down, that’s the gist of the situation. When you engage with a person who is pathologically narcissistic, you are engaging with an illusion. You are engaging with deception... it's not going to ever be any other way.” (27:40)

For more information, resources, or support, visit littleshaman.org