← The Little Shaman: On Narcissists & Toxic Personalities
The Little Shaman: On Narcissists & Toxic Personalities
Episode 289: The Hand That Rocks The Cradle: Narcissistic Mothers
00:16:40
In this episode, The Little Shaman discusses pathologically narcissistic mothers. App...
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Hey, everybody, it's Shaman Sister Sin, and you're listening to the Meditations and More podcast brought to you by trans relational healing, shamanspiritcenter.com and littleshaman.org that's me, little Shaman. Today, I wanted to talk to you about something that too many people unfortunately deal with, and that is the narcissistic mother. When we think of mothers, most people think of a nurturing fitness figure. The idea of a mother is someone who is loving, caring, compassionate, supportive, protective of her children. She is sacrificing and noble. She puts her children's needs before her own because she knows that children need that for the first part of their lives. She nurtures their independence while still providing a safe haven and a safe place for them to fall. She helps, she teaches, she supports, she validates. Her intentions are always aligned with her children's best interests, and they are always good. The archetype of mother in most societies is revered and even put on a pedestal. The idea that this role entails some type of elevation of character or intention is often very prominent. We often hear things like, well, no mother would ever do something like that. And this idea is so entrenched that that it's often used as a defense in criminal cases involving women who have harmed their children. This defense plays directly into that archetype, banking on the hope that it is ingrained so deeply into the public consciousness that people are simply not going to be able to get past it. They just won't believe that a mother would do that. And sometimes it works. There are people, many of them, to be honest, who simply do not believe a mother would harm her own children. As if the biological process of conceiving and giving, giving birth somehow also conveys character or benevolence that's not already there, but it doesn't. The capability of someone's body to do something does not automatically imbue them with the necessary disposition or nature required to be a good parent. A cat can have kittens. That doesn't make her a good mother, although arguably many cats are much better mothers than some people. This entrenched idea, unfortunately, can conspire to allow many mothers to get away with some very nasty things. It is, in a sense, protective coloring bestowed upon them and their actions simply based on a biological role or position they inhabit, nothing more. The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world, they say, and this is very true. A narcissistic parent is in the ultimate position of power over their children and their family. This is a position Narcissists will exploit if given any opportunity at all. And sadly, in a family they're given many opportunities even it's the ultimate opportunity really. They are in control of the entire dynamic and often the entire situation in general. And all the people with their children especially. This is an opportunity to create the perfect support, the perfect victim, whatever reflection that they're looking for from the children. Young children are the narcissistic parents, perfect audience, soaking up everything that they're given like sponges and believing all of it completely without question, at least at first. Many narcissistic mothers appear to be good mothers when their children are infants and toddlers. Not all of them, but many of them do. They seem to genuinely enjoy the children doting on them and making them the center of their universe. There are still usually tells in this situation where you can see like all is not as it appears to be. But it can be very easy to miss these because of how genuine the affection appears to be and likely is. It's completely self serving. Of course, a child reflects back perfect love and adoration to the parent. So a narcissist can easily become intoxicated by this. And it makes it easy for them to pour a lot of energy into the relationship and treat the child decently and adoringly and all these things. The fact that others are viewed as extensions of the narcissist is even more obvious. When children are involved, the child is seen as a representative of the narcissist. So the way the child is perceived is a direct reflection of the narcissistic parent in that situation. If the child is seen as good and successful, the parent feels that they're seen that way too. If not not. This dynamic can result in situations where narcissistic mothers will defend their children vociferously to external forces like schools, teachers, the police, whoever, even refusing to accept that their child could ever do anything wrong. This happens because any indictment of the child is an indictment of the narcissistic mother's parenting and therefore of the mother herself. It can also result in situations where the child is continuously forced into situations or activities that they don't want to do because the mother wants the praise or the accolades or whatever they're getting out of it, regardless of the impact on the child. This is not to say, of course, that all of these situations involve a narcissistic parent. Of course they don't, but. But we do commonly see them in those dynamics. Some narcissistic mothers will even admit to having children to serve their Own needs, Such as in the case of Diane Downs, the woman who shot her three children because they were in the way of her relationship with a married man. She admitted multiple times that being pregnant was a way to feel that she always had, quote, unquote, someone who loved her. Once the children were actually born, they were much less enchanting. They required work and sacrifice that she quickly became tired of. They didn't love her nearly as much as they should have. They were not anywhere near as grateful and beautific and perfect and appreciative as they should have been. And she resented that they were often neglected, Left with no food, with no shoes and no coats in the wintertime, they were often left alone, even though they were all under 10 years old. While Diane was under investigation and on trial, she intentionally got pregnant again. That child was taken away by the state, of course, it was born while she was in prison. And when she escaped from prison, getting pregnant was the first thing she tried to do. Luckily, she did not succeed at that. The children raised by narcissistic mothers tend to face extreme emotional and physical abuse and neglect. They are also very often taught nothing, given no real guidance left to figure most things out for themselves and not emotionally nurtured in any real way. It's no surprise at all that many of these people turn out to be narcissists themselves. They could hardly do otherwise. And while, of course, it's not always the case, we often see pathological narcissism running through families the way we see certain kinds of cancer or other health problems. Son is a narcissist, and so was mom, and so was grandma, you know, going on and on back. Some people argue that this is genetic, and it probably has some genetic components. But don't forget, the other thing that runs in families is parenting styles. Mom, parent, son. The way that she was parented by grandma, and therefore everybody turns out the same. Narcissistic parents do not allow children to form a separate identity from them. The child's individuality is essentially stomped out and replaced with a version of the narcissistic parent's identity in some form. Many become little more than reflections of the narcissistic parent. This is often how the golden child scapegoat dynamics are created. One child is the bad version, and one child is the good version. The bad child is the negative reflection of the narcissist. The good child is the positive one. Neither of these children are being seen for who they really are. And it's important to remember here, too, the golden child is being just as damaged by this as the scapegoat. They're both living in the same toxic problem. It's also a myth, by the way, that scapegoated children never grow up to be narcissists. That is false. Those in this situation who do not turn out to be narcissists. Will often still struggle with codependency, substance abuse, addiction issues, self esteem issues, self image issues, identity disturbances, and many, many other things. It is perhaps one of the single most damaging things that can happen to a child. To be raised by somebody who essentially cannot validate or even really acknowledge their existence as a separate human being and emotionally nurtures them. Not at all. Research has shown that abuse and neglect actually damage the brain. They change the way it develops. And emotional neglect and abandonment caus greater, more widespread damage to the brains of children than all other types of abuse combined. It is extremely damaging. It is extremely damaging and can impact a person's functioning forever. Many narcissists could be considered an example of this. This is, of course, not even taking into consideration. The very real intentional harm. That is often inflicted on children by narcissistic mothers. Not just things like quote, unquote, regular abuse and neglect either. For example, the factitious disorder Munchausen syndrome and its counterpart, Munchausen by proxy. Munchausen syndrome is a disorder in which people cause injury or illness to themselves. For attention, to get attention, to get resources and special treatment and things like that. Munchausen by proxy describes a situation where the person with the disorder Causes illness or injury to another person instead of themselves. Children make up the overwhelming majority of proxies in Munchausen by proxy cases. Because they are very often too young to tell anybody what's happening. Older children are often just unaware. Those who are aware are sworn to secrecy. And either guilted or punished into remaining quiet. The case of Gypsy Rose Blanchard is an example of that. Besides the horrific trauma and damage caused by blatantly actually poisoning or injuring a child, the emotional impact of making a child believe that they are sick when they're not Adds a layer of cruelty that is just extremely disturbing. Here some children are even given counseling to help them deal with their own impending death. The emotional and psychological damage this would do to an adult is almost unimaginable. It is simply unfathomable that it happens to children. And also, the narcissistic parent can get attention. As with any other relationship, narcissists use their children as tools to get their own needs met. Many people in relationships with Narcissists will assume that their narcissistic partner will care about the children, or surely they're not going to treat their children the same way they treat other people. But the majority of them do. Even if they do not overtly mistreat the child, they will very likely never be a real parent. This personality is a disaster as a caretaker. They simply do not possess the maturity, empathy, compassion, or other tools necessary to successfully care for other living things. In order to be a good caretaker of any kind, you have to be able to put the needs of others first, at least sometimes. Like, if you're a nurse, you can't be like, oh, well, your heart attack's gonna have to wait because I need to smoke a cigarette. Or, I mean, you know, These personalities cannot do that. Not only can they not do it, they very often feel taken advantage of or slighted by the suggestion that someone else should be more important than they are, even for two seconds. They tend to be resentful of the intrusion on their time and their energy and to feel controlled by the expectation to provide anything for other people. On the opposite end of this specific behavioral spectrum are those narcissistic mothers who do everything for their children to the point that they essentially cripple the child psychologically, keeping them dependent and enmeshed as a way to maintain control. They never want the child to leave or to separate from them, and they will use guilt and many other things to try to ensure that this does not happen. That is not love. It is control. These are also often the narcissistic parents that engage in spoiling. And it's important to remember that spoiling causes the same issue for children as neglect. It is abuse. We're not talking about, like, giving children too much love or anything like that. We're talking about spoiling, doing everything for the child, never letting them fail or face consequences, never letting them learn how to deal with disappointment, never letting them learn how to master their environment, irregulate their own emotions. These things are not helpful. They are, in fact, extremely detrimental. The world is not kind to adults who have not learned how to do these things. And once people are adults, it can be really hard to learn some of them. This can make life extremely difficult. It causes problems and suffering that are just unnecessary. The dynamics with narcissistic mothers and children often change as they get older. Many narcissistic mothers will view their daughters as female competition whom they jealously try to sabotage. And many treat their sons like pseudo partners or husbands. The reality is, once the children start to assert any type of identity and individuality. This is viewed as rejection and abandonment by the mother. The child is no longer fulfilling that perfect role anymore. They're not that perfect reflection, perfect adoring loving trophy anymore. And the mother's reaction can range from complete indifference to the child to rage and horrific abuse. If there is competition or jealousy involved, it can be much worse. For people who have grown up with narcissistic mothers, recovery is often a long painful journey of unlearning many things, not the least of which is who you were told that you are. You did not get the mother that you deserved, that every child deserves. That's unfair. It really is. You have every right to be angry and and sad and disappointed and whatever else. Just remember, you define yourself now. Someone else's projections onto you have no power unless you give them power. And you don't have to give them anything. She's not God. She's not a queen. She's nothing except a sad small woman who cannot face reality. That's all any narcissist is in the grand scheme of things when you really looking at it in its proper place. And part of recovery from narcissistic abuse is seeing these persons personalities in their proper perspective. They are not who they say they are. A lot of times they're not even who we think they are. They're nobody in the big picture. They have no power over what you think or who you are or anything. In reality they're just another person with another opinion and that's it. You don't have to care what they think. They might still be able to cause problems in your life, but you don't have to let them define you. You define yourself. I hope that clears a few things up for you. As always, I look forward to your comments, questions and suggestions. So please keep those coming. I take appointments online, over the phone, via text, via messenger, via email, and through Zoom and Skype for clients worldwide. So if you're interested in Speaking with me one on one, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that. I have several books and publications, so if you are interested in picking up any or all of those, you can find them on littleshaman.org or on Amazon.com I teach workshops, seminars and clinics, so if you're interested in seeing what's running, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that. And if you're interested in joining our support group with access to exclusive content, weekly support meetings and more, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that as well. You have been listening to the Meditations and More podcast brought to you by transrelational healing, shamanspiritcenter.com and littleshaman.org. that's me, little Shaman. May the Great Spirit bless you. Have a beautiful day.