Summary5 min read

Podcast Summary: The Little Shaman – Ep. 291: STOP Saying Narcissists Fooled You (THIS Is What Really Happened)

Host: The Little Shaman (Shaman Sister Sin)
Date: April 13, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode challenges the common belief that narcissists “fool” or “trick” their victims, exploring why people feel shame after toxic relationships, and offering a perspective aimed at diffusing that shame. The Little Shaman explains that narcissistic abuse is not about being outsmarted or manipulated by a genius, but rather about a violation of trust and human decency. Through a combination of compassionate insight and practical examples, she reframes the narrative: victims were not “fooled”; they simply trusted, as all humans must, and the true loss lies with the narcissist.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Myth That Narcissists "Fool" People

Opening discussion on the shame and embarrassment many survivors of narcissistic abuse feel, rooted in the idea that being fooled equals being stupid.
Quote:

“They feel stupid. They feel foolish. They feel like they were bamboozled and had the wool pulled over their eyes...But the thing is, it’s not exactly true. Not really.” (02:20)
Emphasis: Most narcissists are not masterminds, but simply willing to deceive without the decency or empathy that restrains others.

“As far as this type of thing goes, a narcissist is really just a liar who is willing to say and do things that other people are too decent or empathetic to do or say. That requires no intelligence or skill at all. All it requires is a willingness to do it.” (06:28)

2. Intuition and Knowing Something Was Wrong

Survivors rarely accept every lie “whole hog”; most sensed something was off—even in childhood with narcissistic parents.
Quote:

“Something inside you just knows in so many of these situations. That’s why we always say listen to your intuition…” (04:00)

3. It's Not About Intelligence or Skill

Narcissists are not smarter—just more willing to cross lines.

“This is not a contest of intelligence or skill. This is about abuse of trust.” (07:00)
Their self-sabotaging behavior ends up leaving them alone—a clear sign they aren’t playing genius-level games.

4. Repeated Chances are Not “Falling for It”

Survivors give second, third, sometimes many more chances, not out of foolishness but hope.

“You knew, you saw, you wanted to try, you wanted to give them a chance. There’s not something wrong with that. You’re a caring person who believes in other human beings and in trust and love and bonding. That doesn’t make you a fool, it makes them one.” (10:10)

5. People’s Rejection is Not a Reflection of Your Value

Uses concrete metaphors (the $100 bill, the rain, and height) to show: others’ inability to value you doesn’t change your worth.
- Blind man & $100 bill:
  
  “If a blind man has a hundred dollar bill but he believes it’s only $1, does that change the value of the bill? ... No, of course not.” (13:36)
- Rain metaphor:
  
  “If it’s raining outside but somebody thinks it isn’t and they go on a picnic...someone rejecting what you offer is not proof that what you’re offering is bad or not good enough.” (14:11)

6. “Why Didn’t I See It?” – The Reality of Human Trust

Most people did notice signs, but didn't know what they meant—a logical result of healthy trust.
Uses animal metaphors to illustrate the innocence in trusting:
- Chameleon & alligator:
  
  “A chameleon is not smart for blending in with its surroundings. An alligator is not skilled for looking like a floating log. And nobody is stupid for not seeing them.” (18:53)
- Zebra at the waterhole:
  
  “A zebra is not a fool for trusting the environment. They have to go by what they see, and they have to trust that because they have to drink…” (20:00)

7. Reframing Shame and the Win/Loss Narrative

The narrative that being abused means you “lost” and the narcissist “won” is an ego story—and the true “loser” is the narcissist.

“If it were [a win/loss situation], the narcissist is the clear loser here. This dingbat destroyed their own best case scenario and they will do that over and over and over until they die, never figuring out that they are the problem.” (22:39)
The victim comes out with growth, decency, and capacity for love—which narcissists lose through their own choices.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On why narcissists “fool themselves”:

“This person did not fool you. They fooled themselves. They convinced themselves that a momentary feeling of power, control and winning...was worth the long-term benefits of family and partners and friends.” (23:53)
Closing encouragement:

“You on the other hand, will come out of this smarter, stronger, wiser...still a decent human being, still capable of love, of trust, of honesty, of joy. Those are things this person will never have, no matter what they think. That’s not winning.” (24:40)

Segment Timestamps

00:01–02:20 Introduction & societal shame around being “fooled.”
02:21–06:27 The myth of the narcissist as master manipulator.
06:28–10:09 Abuse of trust vs. intelligence; self-sabotage of narcissists.
10:10–13:35 Repeated chances, hope, and the survivor’s mindset.
13:36–16:00 The $100 bill, rain, and rejection metaphors; defining your own value.
16:01–20:00 “Why didn’t I see it?”; animal metaphors for trust and safety.
20:01–24:40 Deconstructing shame, reframing the win/loss narrative, survivor empowerment.

Conclusion

The episode compassionately dismantles the idea that victims of narcissistic abuse were “fooled” due to lacking intelligence or awareness. Through metaphor, reassurance, and sharp insight, the Little Shaman asserts this is a matter of broken trust—not broken judgment—and that the shame belongs not to survivors, but to those who live by hurting others. Survivors are encouraged to see their ongoing trust, love, and humanity as marks of strength, not weakness.

For more resources, support, or to contact the Little Shaman, visit: littleshaman.org

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Transcript1 lines

[00:01]
A
Hey, everybody, it's Shaman Sister Sin, and you are listening to the Meditations and More podcast today. I wanted to talk to you about something that many, many people encounter when dealing with narcissistic personalities, and that is the belief that the narcissist fooled them or tricked them. Mark Twain famously said that it is easier to fool people than it is to convince them that they've been fooled. That makes sense. Who wants to believe that they've been fooled? Who wants to admit that to other people or even to themselves? To call someone a fool is not a compliment. It means that they're an idiot, or someone who was easily misled, who has been taken advantage of or otherwise manipulated or duped somehow. Not surprisingly, then, the idea that the narcissist fooled them is often tied to a lot of shame for people. They feel stupid. They feel foolish. They feel like they were bamboozled and had the wool pulled over their eyes. They're embarrassed, hurt, and angry. They feel silly and even ashamed. This is all understandable. It's perfectly understandable. But the thing is, it's not exactly true. Not really. Certainly the narcissist you dealt with lied and hid things. Certainly they were not forthcoming at all about how things really were or how they really felt or what they're really doing. Maybe even what their name was or how old they actually are. There are any number of things they could and likely did lie about, but the truth is, they did not fool you. They don't fool anybody. The idea that narcissists are these highly intelligent manipulators and super villains is bogus in the overwhelming majority of situations. Sure, some of them are much better at the BS than others are, and they're a lot harder to see through. But even then, did they really fool you? Did they really? Now, that's not to say they don't try. Man, do they try. And they're often successful in some situations or to some degree. But the reality is that after talking to tens of thousands of people over the last eight or 10 years, in the overwhelming majority of these situations, whatever kind they might be, family, friends, partners, people generally do not buy into things the way that this might imply. They just don't. They can see that something's wrong. They don't know what it is. They don't know why. But only very rarely have I heard people say they 1,000% believed in the narcissist whole hog, with no reservations at all. That's just not usually how it is. Even when the narcissist is a parent or a guardian to people very often report knowing that something was not right with the situation or the relationship from a pretty young age. Something inside you just knows in so many of these situations. That's why we always say listen to your intuition in that same vein. This is not to say that you didn't want to believe in them in spite of that knowing. Of course you did. You're a caring, decent human being. But just to be very clear what we're talking about in this context, this is typically not some highly skilled genius playing chess while you're playing checkers. This is not someone who's so much smarter than you that played you for a fool most of the time. As far as this type of thing goes, a narcissist is really just a liar who is willing to say and do things that other people are too decent or empathetic to do or say. That requires no intelligence or skill at all. All it requires is a willingness to do it. That's it. This is not a contest of intelligence or skill. This is about abuse of trust. Narcissists often try to make it about intelligence or skill because A that makes them feel smart and powerful and in control and also B they don't really understand the dynamics here at all or what trust even is. If they were truly as intelligent and skilled as they want to pretend to be, as they try to think they are, they would realize that it's stupid to screw up relationships with people who are willing to carry you and go to bat for you. You don't foul your own nest. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. You don't where you eat. Not if you're smart. Right? This behavior is self defeating and it's self damaging. It's cutting off your own nose to spite your face. And in the end it makes life very difficult for most narcissists. Many, many, many of them end up alone or in situations that they resent enormously. Can't spend your whole life treating other people like garbage and expect people to just stay around in perpetuity. Most of the time they do not. Another reason people feel shame or embarrassment in this situation is because they they've gone against their own instincts to give this person multiple chances. Often not just once or twice, but many, many times. That's understandable also, but it needs to be understood that this is the proof that the narcissist did not fool you. You knew you didn't believe this person's bs. Maybe at first you did, but how many times does somebody have to lie to you before you know that they're a liar. You knew, you saw, you wanted to try, you wanted to give them a chance. There's not something wrong with that. You're a caring person who believes in other human beings and in trust and love and bonding. That doesn't make you a fool, it makes them one. And that's not just something being said here to make you feel better. It's the objective truth. Who does that? What kind of a fool requires other people to survive the way that these personalities do finds a situation where someone loves and accepts them for who they are, is willing to help and care for them, is willing to carry them and do all the things and then just ruins it so they can feel smart. How stupid is that? This is perceived as a rejection by people. A lot of the time it feels as if what they offered is not, quote, good enough. When objectively it's that a narcissist is not capable of seeing the value in what they're losing. They're the idiot, not you. We've stated this many times on the channel and it bears repeating. If a blind man has a hundred dollar bill but he believes it's only $1, does that change the value of the bill? Does it change the $100 bill into a $1 bill? No, of course not. It's still a hundred dollar bill whether he can see that or not. Belief does not change objective reality. It just changes how he's going to treat the bill. And that is his own loss. It's the same with everything. If it's raining outside but somebody thinks it isn't, they believe that it is not raining and they go on a picnic, right? So you see where this is going. Someone rejecting what you offer is not proof that what you're offering is bad or not good enough. It's proof that they don't see the value of it. That's a reflection of what they think and nothing else. The beliefs and opinions of other people do not define reality and they don't define you. If someone believes that you're nine feet tall when you're not, you don't suddenly grow however many more feet. Like that's just silly. Another part of why there is shame attached to this fooling narrative is that people will think, how did I not see it? That's really a misnomer because in the overwhelming majority of these situations, people did see it. They didn't realize what it actually meant. They didn't realize how pervasive this was. Which again, it's understandable to phrase it as how did I not see it? But it's really not objectively true. You saw, but you didn't know what you were seeing, so you couldn't act on it because you didn't know what it was. And without knowing what something is, you can't know what to do. It's one thing for someone to be a liar or a cheater or a thief or an abuser or a whatever. It's another to be nothing more than a walking reflecting pool with no depth or identity. That is really what we're talking about here. And the fact that you didn't see that is not only understandable, it's basically impossible that anybody ever can until they do. You didn't see it because how could you? It's kind of like on the Truman show where that poor guy's entire life is a fake performance going on around him all the time. How is anybody supposed to be able to see through that? And even though people often can see through it when they really look as Truman did, why would anybody think they should be trying to do that just in general going along through life? That they should be constantly looking for reasons that things and people are not what they appear to be? This is an abuse of basic trust, Not a failure of your skill or intelligence or a success of theirs. A chameleon is not smart for blending in with its surroundings. An alligator is not skilled for for looking like a floating log. And nobody is stupid for not seeing them. It has nothing to do with that. These things work because the environment is being manipulated to appear as if there's no danger. To feel that you should have somehow been able to see that there was danger anyway is not fair. If a chameleon never moves, the prey will never see him. If the alligator never attacks, zebra can't know it's there. You can't until you do. It's that simple. A zebra is not a fool for trusting the environment. They have to go by what they see, and they have to trust that because they have to drink. They have to go to the water and get a drink. They can only be as careful as they can be. It's not always going to be enough. No matter how smart or experienced or skilled that they might be. They have to employ a certain level of basic trust in their environment in order to live. They have to. Everybody does. Every single thing on the planet has to do that. It is what it is. Humans are no different, no matter how much we try to be. And accepting that can go a long way to diffusing the shame that is often attached to these narratives. The narrative that you were tricked by this person and this therefore means that you're a fool who should feel shame is an ego story that frames the situation in a win loss perception. First of all, it's not one, and second of all, if it were, the narcissist is the clear loser here. This dingbat destroyed their own best case scenario and they will do that over and over and over until they die, never figuring out that they are the problem. And all they have to do to stop it is to stop doing that. That is not smart. It's not skilled. It's foolish. This person did not fool you. They fooled themselves. They convinced themselves that a momentary feeling of power, control and winning or whatever they were trying to do was worth the long term benefits of family and partners and friends. They're idiots and they will live the life that results from that kind of egomaniacal self sabotage. You on the other hand, will come out of this smarter, stronger, wiser still a decent human being, still capable of love, of trust, of honesty, of joy. Those are things this person will never have, no matter what they think. That's not winning. I hope this clears a few things up for you. As always, I look forward to your comments, questions and suggestions, so please keep those coming. I take appointments online, over the phone, via text, via email, through messenger and Zoom and Skype. So if you are interested in Speaking with me one on one, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that. I have several books in publication, so if you are interested in picking up a copy of any or all of those, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that or find them on Amazon.com I teach workshops, seminars and clinics, so if you are interested in seeing what is being offered, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that. And if you are interested in joining our support group with access to exclusive content, weekly support meetings and more, you can visit littleshaman.org to do that as well. You have been listening to the Meditations and more podcasts brought to you by Trans Relational healing and little shaman.org that's me, the Little Shaman. May the Great Spirit bless you. Have a beautiful day.