0007. Allie Mae and Michael Turner

Summary

Zac Amico's Morning Zoo - Episode 0007: Allie Mae and Michael Turner

Release Date: May 9, 2025

Host: GaS Digital Network
Guests: Allie Mae and Michael Turner

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I. Opening Remarks and Introductions

The episode kicks off with host Zac Amico welcoming listeners to another lively edition of Zac Amico's Morning Zoo. Zac introduces his co-hosts, Allie Mae and Michael Turner, setting the stage for a day filled with humor, wild stories, and chaotic discussions.

[01:19] Zach Amico: "Happy Monday. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zac Amico coming to you live from Gas Digital Studios."

II. Skank Fest Houston: A Blast from the Past

Zac reminisces about a past event at Skank Fest Houston, sharing a humorous and slightly wild story involving Michael. The tale revolves around a woman who, after partying on mushrooms, leaves the venue unexpectedly.

[02:06] Michael Turner: "Last time I saw you, you were stapling a $100 bill to your testicles."

[03:03] Zach Amico: "She was camouflaged in the bushes... I like to think she just became part of Houston."

III. Cinco de Mayo Celebrations and Restaurant Rankings

The conversation shifts to Cinco de Mayo, with Zac and Michael discussing their favorite restaurants and their rankings. They humorously categorize establishments like Outback Steakhouse, Chili's, and Red Lobster based on personal experiences and nostalgia.

[04:14] Shannon: "It's Mexican morning."

[24:50] Michael Turner: "Red Lobster's had a pretty significant fallback. I'm with you, though. I remember the good times with Red Lobster."

IV. Viral Incident: Public Defecation in Philadelphia

A standout moment of the episode is the discussion of a viral video featuring a woman defecating publicly in Philadelphia. The trio analyzes the incident, debating whether it constitutes public defecation or indecent exposure, all while maintaining their characteristic humor.

[14:07] Zach Amico: "This lady gets out of her car, bends over, lifts up her skirt and fully fires diarrhea."

[15:08] Michael Turner: "She's been arrested for what? Public defecation."

V. Introducing "How's Your Duty?" – A New Bowel Movement Segment

In an innovative twist, Zac and co-hosts launch a new segment titled "How's Your Duty?" where they humorously discuss their recent bowel movements, rating them on a scale and sharing personal anecdotes.

[28:53] Michael Turner: "How's your duty?"

[29:15] Zach Amico: "I call it a 5 5. But not so much that it looks like I'm collecting it."

VI. Historical Perspectives: Early Wiping Tools

The conversation takes an educational yet comedic turn as the hosts delve into the history of wiping tools used by early humans. From leaves and stones to ancient Greek and Roman methods, they explore how hygiene practices have evolved.

[35:05] Zach Amico: "Early humans used leaves, grass, sticks, or stones. The Greeks used polished pebbles, sometimes inscribed with names as insults."

[36:05] Michael Turner: "Always a step above."

VII. Doggy Tales and the World’s Tallest and Shortest Dogs

Adding a lighter note, Zac shares a delightful video featuring the world's tallest dog meeting the world's shortest dog. The hosts engage in a playful discussion about dog behaviors, movies centered around canines, and the quirks of pet ownership.

[42:41] Michael Turner: "Oh, that's adorable."

[47:12] Michael Turner: "Homeward Bound type home."

VIII. Controversial Segment: Brian Peppers and Impractical Jokers

A more serious topic arises as the podcast addresses allegations against Joe Gatto from Impractical Jokers, citing accusations of grooming a minor. The hosts navigate the sensitive subject with a mix of seriousness and their signature irreverent humor, questioning the appropriateness and impact of coming forward years after the incidents.

[59:02] Shannon: "When I was 15 years old, Joe Gatto from the Impractical Jokers groomed me."

[62:34] Zach Amico: "I always thought that was the funniest thing about the MeToo movement is nothing describes the women who participated in it better than going, 'me too.'"

IX. Social Media and Personal Encounters

Zac and his co-hosts share personal stories about their experiences with social media, including unsolicited explicit content and the challenges of navigating platforms like Snapchat and Instagram. This segment offers a relatable glimpse into the digital age's pitfalls.

[65:35] Michael Turner: "There's a lot of photos of my penis out there, but they disappeared."

[66:27] Shannon: "It's so weird."

X. Promotions and Upcoming Events

As the show nears its end, the hosts promote their personal projects and upcoming events. Allie Mae advertises her comedy shows, Michael Turner shares his tour dates, and Zac encourages listeners to support the network through exclusive offers.

[73:15] Allie Mae: "I'm on Instagram as @defaultprogrammer. I have a show at the Stand this Wednesday called 'Drip.' Use my code to save $5."

[73:48] Zach Amico: "If you love the show, use the promo code zoo at [e-mail] to save and get exclusive access."

XI. Closing Remarks

The episode wraps up with final humorous exchanges and reminders for listeners to stay tuned for more chaotic and entertaining content in future episodes.

[74:45] Michael Turner: "Don't go pooping on any coke. It's Acme go morning too."

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Notable Quotes:

• Zach Amico [03:03]: "She was camouflaged in the bushes... I like to think she just became part of Houston."

• Allie Mae [27:25]: "It was a clean poop. I didn't even have to wipe."

• Shannon [38:44]: "In 2025, if you don't have a bidet, you have to have baby wipes. And if you don't have baby wipes, you're a monster."

• Ali Mae [54:26]: "This man's name was Brian Peppers. For years, this photograph circulated on the Internet attached to his story of sexual abuse."

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Episode Highlights:

• Humorous Anecdotes: From wild festival memories to personal mishaps involving public defecation and social media blunders, the hosts maintain a humorous tone throughout.

• Serious Topics with a Twist: While addressing sensitive issues like grooming allegations, the podcast balances seriousness with their unique comedic style.

• Engaging Segments: Innovative segments like "How's Your Duty?" add a fresh and entertaining dimension to the show.

• Listener Relatability: Discussions on social media experiences and historical hygiene practices resonate with a broad audience, making the content both entertaining and insightful.

Conclusion:

Episode 0007 of Zac Amico's Morning Zoo delivers a blend of humor, controversy, and relatable content. With engaging storytelling, notable quotes, and a dynamic interaction among hosts Allie Mae and Michael Turner, listeners are treated to a memorable and chaotic morning show experience. Whether reflecting on past events, diving into viral incidents, or sharing personal stories, the episode encapsulates the unhinged and fun essence that defines Zac Amico's unique radio presence.

Transcript

[Zach Amico]

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[Ali Mae]

Minimum of 4 lines for $25 per line per month with autopay discount using debit or bank account. $5 more per line without autopay. Up to $830 off each phone via 24 monthly bill credits plus taxes, fees and $10 device connection charge. 4 well qualified customers contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreement due bill credits end if you pay off devices early. CT mobile.com Fill her up.

[Michael Turner]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go Zach Amico's got a show Animals are here to play Jokes and guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laugh is waiting don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee enj the crew.

[Shannon]

It'S.

[Michael Turner]

AO morning suit.

[Zach Amico]

Happy Monday. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zach Amico coming to you live from Gas Digital Studios. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. I'm looking at the live chat. We were only a couple minutes late today, and I will say that one was my fault because I was dilly dallying in the other room. I am joined by two wonderful people for what I think should be a very funny day of talking about poop. Across the table from me is our good friend Ali Mae. How you doing?

[Shannon]

Good, good, good, good, good.

[Zach Amico]

Thank you for being here. I appreciate it. I want to ask a question to you in one second, but first, let me introduce our other guests. We have our friend who I don't think I've seen since Skank Fest Houston, our buddy, Michael Turner. How you doing?

[Michael Turner]

I'm doing well. I was thinking about it. Yeah. Last time I saw you, you were stapling $100 bill to your testicles.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that sounds about right.

[Michael Turner]

And it was a very.

[Zach Amico]

That narrows it down.

[Michael Turner]

I remember that vividly. So it's good to see you again. Seems like you're doing well.

[Zach Amico]

Thank you. I'm. I'm doing all right. I'm having fun. That was my favorite Skank Fest.

[Michael Turner]

It was. That was a blast.

[Zach Amico]

Houston was my favorite, even though it ended on a sour note.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, was it? Why? Because you had $100, bill, stable.

[Zach Amico]

No. I lost one of my naked roasters into the night. And then her boyfriend was very mad at me.

[Michael Turner]

That'll happen.

[Zach Amico]

So a girl went up top, and she. She didn't do great. She didn't do bad.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

She just. She was fine.

[Michael Turner]

Right?

[Zach Amico]

She kind of came out aggressive. She had a big bush. Kind of had like, I like a real dyke thing about her. But she was just like. And she was kind of weird before. She was like, hey, can my boyfriend hang out in the green room? I'm not comfortable. I was like, yeah, of course. I don't care. So then the show happened. She. She, I think was first, second battle. And then she left. And then after the show was over for like two hours, the boyfriend came up to me and was like, have you seen her? And I'm like, no. Show ended hours ago. He's like, two, dude, she was on mushrooms.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, no.

[Zach Amico]

And after she lost her battle, she ran out the door naked into the street and nobody can find her. And he goes, you have to help me look for her.

[Michael Turner]

She was camouflaged in the bushes.

[Zach Amico]

And I went, that sounds like a real you problem, man. I was like, my contract here is complete. I did a show and I said, thank you. And she left. I'm done, buddy.

[Michael Turner]

These are boyfriend problems.

[Zach Amico]

And I never saw her again. So I like to think she just became part of Houston.

[Shannon]

She became Pharaoh.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. She went faro.

[Michael Turner]

She went faro.

[Zach Amico]

Ally Mae, question.

[Shannon]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

You rang the bell, then said, nevermind.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, wait, was that her?

[Zach Amico]

And then came back. Were you smoking or were you going for a beverage?

[Shannon]

I was having second thoughts. No, I forgot my jewel, so we need that. Yeah, I had to run to my car and grab it.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, well, happy Cinco de Mayo to our friends in the chat. Thank you guys for tuning in.

[Michael Turner]

Do Mexican people watch this?

[Shannon]

Yeah, a lot of them.

[Michael Turner]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. It's Mexican morning.

[Shannon]

It's Mexican morning.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah. I do a black morning show at 3. I wake up with every race.

[Michael Turner]

I love it. I love it.

[Zach Amico]

That's always how I knew chicken places were gonna be good if their hours were 3pm to 4 in the morning.

[Michael Turner]

That's why.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, you know, when your clientele. Oh, yeah, he's hungry.

[Michael Turner]

The Black Morning at 3pm is beautiful.

[Zach Amico]

That was what you recall. That was the Kennedy Fried Chicken in Patterson, New Jersey, where my band used to practice and had bulletproof glass with bullet holes. And it always had a cop.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And the. It sounds racist and it is, but it sounds.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

The sodas. I Swear to God. Top shelf was orange, pineapple, grape.

[Michael Turner]

Pineapple before grape.

[Zach Amico]

And the cokes were at the bottom and they had rolling papers at the counter.

[Michael Turner]

I just was put on a pineapple soda. That shit hits.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Shout out to the Filipinos. That's actually big in the Philippines.

[Zach Amico]

Can I make suggestion?

[Michael Turner]

Huh.

[Zach Amico]

Pineapple soda, a little bit of rum.

[Michael Turner]

Oh yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Bootleg pina colada.

[Michael Turner]

That. That tracks.

[Zach Amico]

That's a nice. That's a nice one.

[Michael Turner]

I got a nice little drinking problem, so I'll do that soon.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah. Well, last night I had plastic bottle tequila with a Mountain Dew. Voodoo.

[Michael Turner]

Jesus Christ.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that was. That was a dedication. That was running out of in the house.

[Shannon]

Yeah, that's bottom of the barrel.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, it's at the house. That's tough.

[Zach Amico]

I did have it with orange juice before that because I wasn't feeling good.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

I like to think was this alone too?

[Zach Amico]

My wife was there.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, that's big.

[Zach Amico]

She was not participating.

[Michael Turner]

It'd be nicer if it was alone. That'd be the saddest thing I've ever heard of.

[Zach Amico]

No, she was not participating. She was. She was growling and watching whatever I was watching on the tv. I know what I was watching. Food Network. Tournament of Champions.

[Michael Turner]

Sure. With Mountain Dew. Voodoo.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, whatever.

[Michael Turner]

The blue one, the new blue plastic bottle.

[Shannon]

It is a fun time getting shit faced and watching like something like the Food Network.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's like.

[Shannon]

Or something like that.

[Zach Amico]

Oh boy, that's. Oh, Pawn Stars.

[Shannon]

Yeah, Pawn Stars.

[Zach Amico]

Storage Wars.

[Shannon]

Storage Wars.

[Michael Turner]

Getting lit up like a Christmas tree.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, did Storage wars is such hotel drunk. Storage wars is a fucking party. So we have a bunch of fun stuff. I have to say. Shannon, I had another incident.

[Unknown]

Zach, what's happening to you?

[Zach Amico]

I yelled at a man in his face. And I want you guys opinion on this. So my. My previous. My co host, my best friend, my lover, Louis J. Gomez, heard of him. He. He would have a series of incidents and he's. He would always say. I'm like. You know how like a factories accident free for like 50 days lose. You see how long we go without an incident. They installed a new buzzer system in my building and I'm not thrilled with it. And I want your guys immediate opinion before I get into the story. They took out the doorbells that would ring your apartment. Because we used to have a doorbell and each apartment had a tiny phone and you could pick it up and go hello. And buzz people in. Yeah, they took that out. Now it is a machine with arrows where you scroll to the apartment. And instead of calling the apartment, it calls the cell phone of the person on the lease.

[Shannon]

Oh, that's not good.

[Michael Turner]

I'm out.

[Shannon]

That's not good at all.

[Zach Amico]

So if I'm on the road and Mrs. Amigo needs to order anything, I'm out on that. I now need to keep my phone in my hand with the ringer on.

[Shannon]

That's bullshit.

[Zach Amico]

So I can buzz them in.

[Shannon]

Yeah, it's bad for everything.

[Zach Amico]

And you're.

[Michael Turner]

And you're in Tulsa, hammered, drunk, watching Storage wars in a fucking hotel.

[Zach Amico]

It is not the time.

[Michael Turner]

What the is this?

[Shannon]

What if your wife's trying to throw you a surprise party that.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I mean, that's. That's not happening.

[Shannon]

What if your wife's trying to cheat.

[Zach Amico]

On you much more? I would say just going to let him in.

[Michael Turner]

You're going to. Okay that way.

[Shannon]

She deserves it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Michael Turner]

She at. Somebody's gotta make FaceTime, though.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, somebody's gotta make her come. And so here's my issue now. Everyone's very afraid of China taking over. I will let you know if we need to keep China out of here. A very simple buzzer system does the job. Yeah. Because my Chinese brothers in the delivery service are fucking. Oh, and 20 on this. On this buzzer says it is whatever is beyond their fucking. Did not. I mean, I literally put in the description. Use arrows. Scroll to 6A. Yeah, I will buzz you in, Right? Come up to my apartment, right?

[Michael Turner]

Mm.

[Zach Amico]

Every time, like, fucking call my phone delivery, I go, yeah. Scroll. And they go, huh? I Scroll to 6A. Calm down. Every fucking time, dude. So I was pissed every time.

[Michael Turner]

It's the back.

[Zach Amico]

The guy called me twice, and I said, dude, just come. I. You gotta scroll and buzz me in.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So then he has ubereats call me.

[Michael Turner]

The company.

[Zach Amico]

The company says your driver has been trying to contact you. We may need to cancel this order if you don't pick it up in the next three minutes. So now, listen, I'm me. I got to put on. I got to put on a shirt, right? I got on basketball. I got the uniform of process. The uniform of lazy. We've already had this conversation. People don't approve that. I don't. I'm not wearing socks and shoes to go downstairs, okay? I'm going barefoot. I'm going barefoot. T shirt, basketball shorts.

[Shannon]

I'm also.

[Zach Amico]

I'm a piece of garbage. Yeah, go downstairs, motherfucker. Standing in the fucking vestibule or whatever and starts texting me in Chinese.

[Shannon]

I was gonna say, have you considered putting your default message. Have you considered putting in Google Translate and getting all the symbols?

[Zach Amico]

I've thought about it, but I think they're just. They don't want to come in.

[Shannon]

They don't.

[Michael Turner]

Because they created the technology.

[Zach Amico]

I come down, I go, hey, man. I was like, you see that? The buzzer right there? And he goes. And laughed in my face. A deep Asian chuckle. I don't like that directly in my face. Yeah, dude, I had an incident. I went, do you think maybe that's not an effective way to fucking communicate? I went. And I pointed at my phone, I went, do I look like I speak this? Then why do you fucking text it to me? And he goes, hand me that food. And walked away. And I have been fucking livid. So I know Indian guys don't come in cause they're afraid they're gonna get their. They're gonna get beat up.

[Shannon]

Right?

[Michael Turner]

Is that real nice?

[Zach Amico]

You gotta have hood friends. So Indian guys have generational trauma.

[Michael Turner]

I like that.

[Zach Amico]

From when their parents or grandparents got here and were delivering shit. Sure. Because ghetto people would order to the built, like, the next two doors over and jump the guy, rob him and take the food.

[Michael Turner]

That was savvy.

[Zach Amico]

That was pretty sweet. Yeah.

[Shannon]

Your pen just did a kickflip.

[Zach Amico]

So that's why I found out, like, if you get like the stereotypical Indian guy, like a Papa John's Indian guy's not coming in. You meeting him downstairs. All we say is, cars double parked.

[Michael Turner]

Generational trauma.

[Shannon]

Do you think it's general generational trauma, or do you think that they have so many Uber Eats orders that they're like, I'll just shave off like a minute at each place by making them come down and get it?

[Zach Amico]

I feel like the argument time has to negate that.

[Shannon]

Okay. Oh, fair.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like the amount of time it takes. I can't remember. There was a funny comic who did a great scout. He was some type of fucking Middle Eastern kid. Do you remember this sketch? It was really funny. It was deliver. He played different delivery guys. And it was like when you live in a sixth floor, walk up and order Mexican food. And it was just him in a backwards baseball cap and a backpack running upstairs. And it says, when you order Indian food and live on the first floor, no, my friend, you need to come down to me. My car is double parked. So that was my incident. I yelled at a man.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

In front of children and people.

[Michael Turner]

Because you don't. Barefoot, you don't speak Chinese. Deep belly laugh.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. It really made Me mad.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

The other thing.

[Shannon]

You knew what he was doing.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, yeah. He also forgot the duck sauce.

[Zach Amico]

No, Now, I put it in my notes. I put it in the notes. Extra hot mustard. Extra hot.

[Michael Turner]

What's your order? What's your Chinese food order? Do you switch it up or you go.

[Zach Amico]

I'm Pretty loyal to Mrs. Amiko is chicken and broccoli. And usually I get in on that.

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And then I like shrimp fried rice.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Shrimp fried rice or shrimp lo mein.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And then usually split in order of dumps.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And then I go, hot mustard on the dumps.

[Michael Turner]

I've never done that. Interesting.

[Zach Amico]

Very, very good.

[Michael Turner]

Good insight.

[Zach Amico]

Speaking of dumps, you guys see this lady in Philly?

[Michael Turner]

No. What happened?

[Zach Amico]

The Philadelphia car. All right, Shannon, do you want to fill us in?

[Unknown]

I'm gonna. I'm just gonna play you the video first. You gotta, like, watch real close from the beginning.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. This lady gets out of her car, bends over.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, no.

[Zach Amico]

Lifts up her skirt and fully fires diarrhea.

[Shannon]

Yeah. This is good. I support her.

[Zach Amico]

And then goes back.

[Shannon]

Oh, incredible.

[Zach Amico]

For a second shot.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, that wasn't an edit. That was. She went back.

[Unknown]

I. I brought it back to the.

[Zach Amico]

I would play twice. I was like, my mistake. Don't.

[Michael Turner]

I don't feel like I have to watch that. That's tough to watch.

[Shannon]

Incredible.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. Oh, my Lord.

[Shannon]

We've all been there.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. By the way, you know, it wasn't a black guy filming because he would have said shitted.

[Shannon]

You know, it was a white person filming because they got nervous and put the phone. Didn't want her to see it. She come over and do it.

[Zach Amico]

So she's been arrested for what?

[Michael Turner]

She's been caught defecating in public. What is that? What is the law? Definitely public defecation.

[Zach Amico]

I would argue that might be indecent. Indecent exposure as well.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah. Your asshole.

[Zach Amico]

Because as a man of the Juggalo nation, a frequent chant in Juggalo world is show your butthole.

[Michael Turner]

Sure.

[Zach Amico]

However, when cops started showing up to events, people that would show their butthole would get arrested.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And get put on the registry. Because that's technically a sex.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

So don't show your butthole.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, so this woman's in trouble.

[Shannon]

Don't do it.

[Michael Turner]

What part of Philly was that? Was that Kensington?

[Zach Amico]

I will find. I think we have more detail. I know Rainey.

[Michael Turner]

Can we get cross streets there?

[Unknown]

It says Delaware County.

[Zach Amico]

I think Rainey went and took a picture.

[Michael Turner]

That feels like doco.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I think it's Delco. Randy took a picture like the Kennedy. Somebody drew a pink X.

[Michael Turner]

That's the zapruder.

[Zach Amico]

Somebody put a pink X like where Kennedy got shot.

[Michael Turner]

The zapooper. Yeah. That's great.

[Shannon]

Have you.

[Zach Amico]

They think that it was a second shitter.

[Michael Turner]

It was coming in the grassy knoll, actually. You saw the law in there.

[Zach Amico]

It was the gassy knoll. The second shitter in the gassy knoll.

[Michael Turner]

The pia.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, guys, a quick word from one of our favorite sponsors here on the show. When you guys look at me, you might think, hey, I bet he knows milkshakes. Well, if you want the taste of a milkshake without the extra pounds of a milkshake, you need Huel. It's a complete meal in a bottle that tastes just like a milkshake, but it's good for you. It has 35 grams of protein and 27 vitamins and minerals to keep you going all day long. You can choose between chocolate and vanilla. Both are incredible. Join the community today of hooligans with this exclusive offer for new customers. 15% off plus a free gift using my exclusive code [e-mail] that's 15% off plus a free gift for our new customers with code zoo. Z o o@h u e l dot com. See our show notes for terms and conditions unlock a healthier, easier way to eat with Huel. Nutritionally complete meals in minutes so you can focus on what really matters. Let's get back into the program. That's fun also because, like, I got arrested at WrestleMania weekend because they had. They had a bust of Logan Paul that you could hit with a chair. Like one of those. Like, that's cool. Like one of those machines that says how hard you punched. And he took his pants down and rubbed his butt on it. And he got arrested first. Indecent exposure, as they said. People saw his butt.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah. And that's a slippery slope. Then you're going to get a trend going. I like that move, though.

[Zach Amico]

I like that guy. Oh, yeah. Very funny.

[Michael Turner]

Very funny move.

[Zach Amico]

Very funny. Put your butt on a statue.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, I love that.

[Zach Amico]

Very. The only way to be funnier is if you put a prime bottle up your ass first.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, that is good. That's on brand.

[Zach Amico]

So, Shannon, tell us more about our pooper because she has been arrested and she had a statement. Oh.

[Michael Turner]

So we got eyes on her.

[Unknown]

Yeah. So she's 44, from Ridley Park.

[Zach Amico]

Tough.

[Unknown]

Her name is Christina Salamento.

[Zach Amico]

And that clocks.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I have. Let me see. I have some pictures of her Here, there's, here's just some, like, some face shots of her. This is her.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yep.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Unknown]

Apparently she has an OnlyFans account.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, good.

[Michael Turner]

You know what's crazy is she's probably going to pop off from this.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. But now she's got a shit.

[Michael Turner]

Well, I mean, she looked like she was locked and loaded. She's been, this is what she's. Her whole life's been building towards.

[Shannon]

You've never been angry enough to, to do something like that?

[Zach Amico]

I peed in somebody's hat once.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I peed in a man's hat when I was, I was a young guy.

[Michael Turner]

We pooped in a box and put it in somebody's mailbox growing up.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. That's a good one.

[Michael Turner]

15, 16 years old.

[Shannon]

That's like a, that's like, I feel like a prank, but I mean, like a prime of passion. Yeah. To be passionate, angry.

[Zach Amico]

I, I feel like I could get there.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But it would have to be very specific.

[Shannon]

I tried to do what she did.

[Zach Amico]

What did you tried to get in someone's car.

[Michael Turner]

What happened? You just, you came to, came to poop, but only farted.

[Shannon]

I, I, I was driving in the car with my friends and we were leaving in N A meeting and this, this person, we're driving on the highway and this person ran the light this way and to get on the highway and almost crashed into our car. And I was like, follow him. And we pulled up to he, we followed him to a, like some kind of hotel. And you know, they have like, the port where. What? Don't, don't look at what the chat is saying.

[Zach Amico]

No, I'm not, I'm just trying, I'm just trying to juggle. I'm still learning on how to talk and monitor the chat. I apologize.

[Shannon]

The chat's probably, they're blowing up right now.

[Michael Turner]

There's some grown men beating off to the idea of you potentially pooping on a car.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, there's guys dressing up like cars right now.

[Michael Turner]

Be the Nissan Sentra.

[Zach Amico]

The audience at home is just the transfer. The.

[Michael Turner]

So you got cut off. I thought it was going to be way worse than a cutoff.

[Shannon]

No, it's not that they cut us off. They almost crashed into us, like, so it got my adrenaline going, so I defecepticon. I made my friend follow the car and we pulled up to a hotel and the car pulled under one of those, like, little port things right outside the hotel. And my friend got out and was like, hey, man, what the fuck? And they Started having an alter. Not an altercation, but, you know, a confrontation. And he's like, why don't you get back in the car before you know what it feels like to be dead? And I was like, what? Yeah. And he had a wife and a kid in the car, too. And they ended up going into the hotel. And I got out of the car and I climbed up on his car and I tried to take a shit on top of his car, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't get one. So I just, like, peed all over it. But, you know, that's amazing.

[Michael Turner]

And it was after an NA meeting. So you were sober. That's great.

[Zach Amico]

Maybe you should have been.

[Michael Turner]

I was ready for this to be like a boozy thing. Just stone cold sober after a meeting that says, forgive me.

[Zach Amico]

Maybe you should have been going to Anger Anonymous instead.

[Shannon]

I did do an anger a. I did an anger management thing.

[Zach Amico]

So wait, did you feel this now? Question. Was your thought process him? I need to. On his car, try and cook up a shit? Or were you like, I have to have it loaded?

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And then you got performance anxiety.

[Shannon]

I didn't have to. I just. And honestly, I would think. I would say there is no thought process. Really. This is just. This is just what I did. Do you know what I mean?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah. That's where your journey took you.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I've never. I don't think I've ever intentionally.

[Michael Turner]

I did that. Did the prank thing. And I know a dude that peed through the moonroof of a Pontiac Sunfire.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

That was cool, I think. But I think his buddy, or no, one of our homies fucked his girl. So, like, made sense in that moment. I never. I've never done that.

[Shannon]

It was. It was like.

[Michael Turner]

I never thought about doing it either.

[Shannon]

I didn't think about it really. It was just rage.

[Zach Amico]

My friend Mike on the window of an outback steakhouse. And it was the funniest thing.

[Michael Turner]

So what did.

[Zach Amico]

I'm 37 years old.

[Michael Turner]

Nothing's been funnier.

[Zach Amico]

And nothing will ever beat watching my friend Mike walk up with a family eating outback. And it was glass walls, so it was in Seacaucus. And he put his asshole on the window.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And dropped the most solid.

[Michael Turner]

Hold a glass.

[Zach Amico]

Hold a glass. But then it, like, fell down like a wacky wall crawler. Yeah.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I just watched this whole family watch poop come out of my friend's room. And then he just ran away. It was the. Nothing will be even close. Both my funniest things I've ever seen were poop related.

[Shannon]

How old were the kids? That does that.

[Zach Amico]

They were children.

[Shannon]

That's kind of a sexy.

[Michael Turner]

At the Outback.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Do you go back. You can't go back to Outback after that if you're that child.

[Zach Amico]

No.

[Michael Turner]

Which sucks because that's so great.

[Zach Amico]

That's a great restaurant if you. Oh, yes.

[Michael Turner]

Like that. It is a fantastic chain restaurant.

[Zach Amico]

If you're the dad, you can't go back because you've lost all your power.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

To ever reprimand your kids.

[Shannon]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

Because somebody just shit on your family's dinner and you let them get away.

[Shannon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You've been.

[Michael Turner]

What do you think they call that? The Blooming Onion incident. As a family, they have to discuss this moment as it has come out.

[Zach Amico]

It has to come up. Unless they all swore they will never.

[Shannon]

Talk about, you know, what it is.

[Zach Amico]

In all fairness. They probably got a free meal.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, I would. Oh, yeah. They probably got offered, like, free. Like, a lot of meals.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. And.

[Michael Turner]

But they could never go back. They're probably at an NA meeting now.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Dealing with this.

[Zach Amico]

Unrelated but Outback related.

[Shannon]

One of the children has found a way to make the incident last forever. They're in therapy. They're like. And my dad used to take us to these shitty restaurants.

[Zach Amico]

You know, I won't have you besmirch Outback like that. Outback is so, so good. It's. It's. It. What would you. It's a chain restaurant, but I think it's definitely escalated.

[Michael Turner]

I think it's so what I rank. The tier is like, the conversation used to be Applebee's, Chili's Fridays. And I think Chili's has done such a phenomenal job recently to be the.

[Zach Amico]

Number one in that.

[Michael Turner]

And then there's the tier above is Outback, because Outback was in that. I think, growing up. I'm 38, too, so, like, I think Outback used to be in that conversation. It's outplayed. I think it's in another tier. Outback is above that.

[Zach Amico]

I think. I think Outback goes with, like, bonefish grill.

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I would say when it was. When it was killing it.

[Michael Turner]

Red Lobster, dude. Red Lobster's had a pretty significant fallback. I'm with you, though. I remember the good times with Red Lobster.

[Ali Mae]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

I've never been.

[Michael Turner]

It used to. I don't. I don't know if I would suggest it anymore, but there used to be some special stuff going on.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I would put with.

[Michael Turner]

I mean, it was it was great.

[Zach Amico]

Underneath Applebee's, I would put like a red Robin.

[Michael Turner]

Yes. Yeah, I don't. I don't like red Robin, but I know what you mean.

[Zach Amico]

And bottom tier for me, Olive Garden.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

I still go for lunch, though. Soup and salad is like.

[Zach Amico]

That's different. That's different. That's a value meal.

[Michael Turner]

I do lunch.

[Shannon]

I don't do this going though to these places because I think they vary, like, depending on where you go.

[Michael Turner]

Like, the shittier the city, the better the Olive Garden, though.

[Shannon]

That's what you think?

[Zach Amico]

I think I go to the Outback in Brooklyn. Oh, my God, I love Outback. I. I specifically like Outback.

[Shannon]

I really like Chili's. Chili.

[Michael Turner]

Chili's is phenomenal. It's in a lot of airports, which is nice.

[Shannon]

If you go with someone who has the little pass or whatever, you could have unlimited chips.

[Michael Turner]

Oh. Oh, yeah, No, I have. I had that.

[Shannon]

I had a.

[Zach Amico]

Have you seen Outback's new appetizer?

[Michael Turner]

What is it? No.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, bring up the Bloomerangs. Really?

[Michael Turner]

What are they doing?

[Zach Amico]

This is brand new. This is brand new. No, it's brand new. I have Bloomerang. This is going on. I. I will be reporting on the Bloomerangs because I need to go now. So they are boomerang shaped mozzarella sticks.

[Michael Turner]

I'm in on that.

[Zach Amico]

And I'll tell you what, they look like a good piece of business.

[Michael Turner]

That's so. Did you see what Chili's did with their mozzarella steaks?

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Michael Turner]

Are you in or out? I'm out.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. It's a little much what they do.

[Michael Turner]

It's too much. They're too. They're bigger. They're like, they're like girthy boys now where, like, I don't.

[Zach Amico]

It's essentially a block of cheese.

[Shannon]

You're like, yes.

[Michael Turner]

I mean, it is kind of like that. It's that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

So it doesn't make sense anymore where it used to just be. I don't, I don't ever think I thought about their mozzarella sticks. Maybe they were trying to change the game a little bit. The thing is, I'm out.

[Shannon]

As a society, we're so simple minded and we're not impressed by that, but somebody is. And that's.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, there's a chain on Reddit right now talking about how much they've like changed the game on mozzarella sticks. I'm sure that they're positive feedback.

[Zach Amico]

So we, we used to do a segment on the show. We'll probably still do it's. Called whatcha snacking on. However, I want to do our own spin on it, and I do think we're in the perfect part for it. Actually, before we get into it, Shannon, do we have the quote from the pooper lady saying it was a clean poop?

[Unknown]

Yes, it was a clean poop.

[Zach Amico]

Hold on. She defended herself publicly.

[Unknown]

It was a clean poop. I didn't even have to wipe.

[Michael Turner]

That is disgusting.

[Unknown]

I also have her charges.

[Michael Turner]

That was liquid. Here's my thought is, did she get so mad that she was like, I'm gonna go see if I can shit? Or did she. Was she so mad that she was that angry because she needed to.

[Zach Amico]

She was trying to get home and shit?

[Michael Turner]

I think that that is probably what happened.

[Shannon]

She. Yeah, she had to shit and she was pissed off.

[Michael Turner]

And you're not thinking clearly if you have that stewing. I mean, that's a lot of evil going on. What's that meal? I don't think that's a home cooked meal. That's a. That's a chain restaurant meal.

[Shannon]

That's. Yeah, that might be like, wake up in the morning, two Red Bulls, couple cigarettes.

[Michael Turner]

You think that's a breakfast meal that turned into that? Or that's like a night before.

[Shannon]

That might be a night of drinking followed by.

[Michael Turner]

You gotta wonder what. Because I. When I take shits like that in the privacy of my own bathroom, I do consider the meals that led up to that action. I wonder what went wrong with her. That looks like. Honestly, there could be. Speaking of Cinco de Mayo, that could be a Mexican dish or some sort of Latino dish that had some sour cream that went south. Yes, that's some sour. That's some bad sour cream. Which is one of the worst shit you can get. If you have runny, sour cream turns into a monster.

[Zach Amico]

Well, so you see what you're stacking on. So I wanted to. And we're right on. We're right on schedule for this one. This is our new segment. How's your duty?

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Where we're gonna go over. We have the Bristol chart. And we can just talk about how we've been doing lately. Oh, I'll tell you right now, currently I'm at a 5 5. I call it a 5 5. But not so much that it looks like I'm collecting it.

[Michael Turner]

This is. And I'm talking about. I mean, the most recent bowel movement you've had.

[Zach Amico]

I would say all weekend. I've been at a solid 5 5. But, like, because I had a lot of roughage I had a big anti past salad and that. It really came out shredded.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, I've been dying.

[Zach Amico]

What are we at? What are we at right now? Kids, how's your duty?

[Michael Turner]

My weekend was, was. I was hovering around 3 to 4 and then this morning I'm 5 and it up.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Which was.

[Shannon]

Oh, you gotta get some fiber.

[Michael Turner]

I know Sunday was on.

[Zach Amico]

I went straight up seven. That lady seven'd on that car 100%. That was some butterscotch severe.

[Michael Turner]

That wasn't mild.

[Zach Amico]

That was butterscotch action.

[Michael Turner]

That wasn't even severe. That was concerning diarrhea. Yeah, that was. You need to talk to somebody. Hopefully the next stop is urgent care.

[Zach Amico]

So I would say the big difference between 6 and 7 to me, 6 does not change the temperature of the room. 7, a bad 7. The room gets hotter and the air gets.

[Michael Turner]

Well, you're shook as a person the rest of your day. You're moving differently because you don't know what farts are. Is it a fart? Yeah, that because yes, six. You can like I've got some, I got some concerning poop going on, but you could probably still sneak a fart past six.

[Zach Amico]

So I got into the poop stuff. I read some articles. What are we at? What are we at? If girls pooped.

[Shannon]

If they pooped, they might alternate between. Hey, the chart. Well, I don't need the chart.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

I can just tell you it's the normal one where it's the four smooth.

[Zach Amico]

The toothpaste. Yeah.

[Shannon]

But sometimes it looks like a deer came by and figured out how to use my toilet. Tiny little pellets. Yeah. Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

I think that's too bad.

[Zach Amico]

It does say severe constipation.

[Michael Turner]

It does say really bad. I also, I think it went. Mine went from. To 5ish. Because I was at the Yankees game. There was, there was some beer consumed throughout the day. You get in the food. I did, I did. Do you know what is it? A miniature helmet of soft serve ice cream.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

So there's a lot of stuff going on that led to me going to five.

[Shannon]

See, the thing is, is I don't really agree that food, like, I guess it does do it obviously. But I don't like when people are like, oh, well, you know, I had Taco Bell. So you know what that does like. I'm not, I'm never having Taco Bell and having a problem.

[Michael Turner]

I agree.

[Shannon]

It's just not happening.

[Michael Turner]

I think the combination of. I went like beer. It was a boozy day, Yankee game, food. And then I also did during The. It was a game seven last night. I did eat some mozzarella sticks with some wings. Had a pretty unhealthy Sunday.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

But, you know, I thought I felt closer to God after it. Those meals were good.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

But, you know, the devil showed up this morning.

[Zach Amico]

It happens to the best men.

[Shannon]

Struggle a lot with it's anything.

[Michael Turner]

First of all, that that sentence could go so many.

[Shannon]

They do struggle. My ex would always say, ridiculous. Well, you know, I had lettuce. You know what that does to me? And I'm like, no, not really. Lettuce. It percent water, you know, and I.

[Zach Amico]

Would say sometimes I'm 90% water, too.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, that's what turns into number seven on the board. Yeah, that's liquid diarrhea.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our good friends at you kratom, home of the $60 kilo. Stop going to bodega's smoke shops and gas stations and getting a little bit of Kratom at a time, you silly geese. When you go to Yokratum.com they have the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at the network. We absolutely love them. And there's no promo code needed because it's already the best deal in the world to kratom. 60 bucks for a whole kilo delivered right to your gosh darn door. So once again, guys, support our good friends at you kratom, home of the 60 kilo. Let's get back into the show. So I got into. I read, I did a little research, I watched from some reels, and somebody asked on Reddit, are your poops poop shaped inside you or does your butt shape it? Shape it. Like the Play doh factory.

[Shannon]

Great question.

[Michael Turner]

Or like a sausage factory? I do, I think.

[Shannon]

Great question.

[Michael Turner]

That is a great question.

[Zach Amico]

So what I read, and Shannon, you can back me up here, is that. Yes, your lower bowels and your colon stuff kind of is that shape. However, the tapering on either end would be from the actual sphincter muscle.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But if you want to see, because what the last part of your lower intestine does is it takes the moisture out, supposedly. So the longer you hold, unless you're in Delaware county, the longer you hold it, the more your lower intestine takes moisture out of it. So if you want to see exactly what it's shaped like, they say to hold it for a while, and then that's what it looks like in your body.

[Shannon]

In your body. Now, Shannon, can you back this up? Because I don't believe it.

[Zach Amico]

Back it up for us.

[Unknown]

I did. I did ask Chat GPT before we started. And it does say that poop gets its shape inside your colon and that the anal sphincters can slightly shape the poop at the very end. But think of it like trimming the edge or tapering it, not actually shaping it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, Yeah, I gotcha. Interesting, because then I watched the art.

[Michael Turner]

The sphincter is the creative muscle.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. Then I watch a real. That explained. Did cavemen wipe? And one of the things I saw said at one point when all. When men were. When man was scavenging.

[Michael Turner]

When men were men.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. When men were men and sheep were nervous.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

When we were scavengers and it was mostly like nuts and leaves and. No, didn't need to.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

But as we expanded our diet, that's what gave it the more peanut buttery consistency requiring wiping. However, now I'm seeing that we've had a wipe ever since we've been bipedal.

[Shannon]

Hmm, interesting.

[Zach Amico]

And I had Shannon look up some of the early wiping tools in caveman history. Shannon.

[Unknown]

Okay, so for. For cavemen in general, it says that early humans. Pre. Modern. Modern humans use leaves. Most likely use leaves, grass, sticks or stones, moss or snow. But since then, the Greeks used dicks, polished poop, pebbles, Plato's penis pedals, pebbles, pebbles. So sometimes they inscribe them with the names of their enemies, making it a literal insult to injury. Wasn't like, not soft, though. It was just a hard pebble. The Romans, they shared a poop sponge. It was in communal public toilets.

[Michael Turner]

Always a step above.

[Unknown]

It says, think bathroom loofah, but for a whole town.

[Shannon]

I really like to think that men have always just been men. And I really love to imagine a caveman, like, inscribing his important message for the future, being like, by the way, I wiped. By the way, I wiped with a leaf, you know, so someone like us could come and find it and come here and talk about it, you know, and it's nice to know we've been.

[Michael Turner]

Playing with our assholes since we went bipedal, though. Once we got the hands loose, we're.

[Zach Amico]

Like, the pebbles confuses.

[Shannon]

They're like a small rock, like a rounded, smooth rock.

[Zach Amico]

So you're not like. Because I always think, did everyone up until, like, the 1700s just have a raw, itchy asshole all the time?

[Michael Turner]

I think about that often.

[Shannon]

They're probably doing, like, you know, when your cat has an itchy asshole? Yeah, they scooting yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Is this what it's like to be Indian now? Are you just in pain all day?

[Unknown]

Yeah, there are some worse ones.

[Zach Amico]

That's why they won't come upstairs. Their hurt.

[Michael Turner]

It is funny. Shakespeare had an itchy asshole. All those guys are just the itchiest.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

The Vikings used snowballs.

[Zach Amico]

That makes sense.

[Michael Turner]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

The coconut ones or the Halloween ones?

[Unknown]

Some nomadic groups and indigenous people used soft fur or feathers.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, okay.

[Unknown]

The American frontier favorite was corn cobs. Dried corn cobs.

[Zach Amico]

I've heard corn husks as well.

[Michael Turner]

That would be nice. And that would get the itching going in there too. Sometimes you need to just get in there with some weird texture.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice.

[Unknown]

And then before toilet paper was Widespread in the 19th and 20th centuries, people used newspapers, catalogs, or even pages from books.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, like me when I'm out of toilet paper. Yeah, just a Bible newspaper.

[Michael Turner]

I use Corinthians. That's amazing.

[Shannon]

In 2025, if you don't have a bidet, you have to have baby wipes. And if you don't have baby wipes, you're a monster.

[Zach Amico]

You can't flush them, though.

[Shannon]

You.

[Michael Turner]

Well, I think I'm a monster.

[Zach Amico]

I will tell you. Not. Not Mrs. Amico, my wife. Farther back a generation. Mrs. Amico. My mother had to get the sidewalk done dug up in front of our home due to a baby wipe clog.

[Shannon]

They say that. However, I lived in a trailer for a long time. A flush, baby wipes, everything.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, because you guys just drove 20ft up the road and parked again when.

[Shannon]

It was full every single day. Baby wip. Nothing ever happened. Nothing ever happened. And now I.

[Michael Turner]

To be in a trailer park and say. What you said about Outback is.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Now I'm more offended by what the Outback comment was pretty crazy. This is generational trauma.

[Shannon]

Well, I have specific memories at Outback that are just.

[Zach Amico]

I'm just saying you can't not like Outback when in your childhood, in order to go poop, you had to go Outback.

[Michael Turner]

And also acting as if you're ignorant to what was going on at Red Lobster, but also being. This is crazy.

[Shannon]

I was never. I never went to a Red Lobster. Lobster. I never went to a Red Lobster. And Outback I did go to.

[Zach Amico]

I. I only somebody never graduated community college.

[Shannon]

I did fail out twice before I got it right. But.

[Michael Turner]

But baby wipes, though.

[Shannon]

Baby wipes. You got to be on baby wipes.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

How the are you gonna be walking around with your. I have baby wipes in my Backpack right now. Yeah, you never know. I use them to remove my makeup if I, you know, have a sandwich and I get a little something on my hands. Baby wipe, you know, do you have.

[Zach Amico]

A Puerto Rican shower?

[Shannon]

I mean, I just take a shower. Shower. But if.

[Zach Amico]

I'm saying if you're out, like, say you're. You're on a long road trip.

[Shannon]

Of course I would get the baby wipes.

[Zach Amico]

The dude wipes.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

In my bag.

[Shannon]

Yeah, of course.

[Zach Amico]

I'll do pits and balls. Yeah, I'll do pits, balls. I mean, under the tummy.

[Michael Turner]

It's musty. It gets.

[Shannon]

But not your.

[Zach Amico]

No, you do that in the bathroom with.

[Shannon]

Oh, yeah, yeah. With baby wipes.

[Zach Amico]

Now, did you ever have friends growing up that had the Muslim people thing, the watering pot?

[Shannon]

I had many Muslim friends growing up, but I don't know about the water pot.

[Zach Amico]

So I had a friend named Bassem from Pakistan, and we never discussed it. I only found this out as an adult. The first time he went to a white person's house, he went to go to the bathroom. And I guess they have it, you know, like a watering can. When you water flowers.

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

They keep one of those above the toilet as like a primitive bidet.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I don't mean primitive isn't like stupid. I mean, it's like not. Not hooked up to your water bidet. And the first time he went, he didn't know what to do in the bathroom without anyone asked where it was. So. Yeah, so you're. You're.

[Michael Turner]

He's pouring that teapot into his asshole, I believe.

[Zach Amico]

Well, no, that's what he had at his house.

[Michael Turner]

How you get. What. You sitting on the ground and like.

[Zach Amico]

I think you're tilting up.

[Michael Turner]

That's interesting.

[Zach Amico]

I think you're. You're. I think you're. Yeah, you're popping it back.

[Michael Turner]

Are you remove. You. So you're not removing yourself from the toilet.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I. I never got white people stand up to wipe. That fucking boggles my mind.

[Michael Turner]

I've done it.

[Zach Amico]

I am a leg lifter upper.

[Michael Turner]

It's the move.

[Zach Amico]

Leg lifter upper.

[Michael Turner]

You get most. Yeah, yeah. I can get the most exposure and.

[Zach Amico]

I. I don't think I could touch my asshole standing up.

[Michael Turner]

That could be a physical thing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I think I'm.

[Shannon]

Yeah, I think a lot. I think people could. I could. Yeah. That's you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I just have short arms.

[Michael Turner]

That's a you thing.

[Zach Amico]

That's a me thing. I get it.

[Shannon]

I have very long arms.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I do not.

[Shannon]

I have an advantage.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. That's there. But, yeah. So he didn't know what to do. And I only as an adult, found out that a lot of, like, Muslim households never heard of that.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, I'm from Cincinnati, so we didn't have. We didn't have to deal with Muslims quite often.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, well, hey, the blacks, though, that was a good straight 40 minutes of shit talk, guys. So let's move on. Hey, you know what? Let's do something cute for the kids, huh?

[Michael Turner]

Sure.

[Zach Amico]

And I met. I meant. I meant that. What do we got here? It's the zoo. I saw a video that made me very happy yesterday. World's tallest dog meets world's shortest dog.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, that's adorable.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, we gotta have video. Let's check out these dogs. And by the way, their owners could not look more like the people that would own those dogs.

[Unknown]

By the way, Zach, I was. I never really know the links that you're sending me sometimes. And there was no title over this one. And I was like, I never really know what I'm clicking on. And it brought me so much joy to click on.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, nice.

[Zach Amico]

I'm glad.

[Unknown]

All right, here's the big dog.

[F]

First, Reginald, or Reggie Johnson, is just over 1 meter or 3 foot, 3 inches, and he is the world's tallest living dog.

[Zach Amico]

Pause.

[Michael Turner]

That dog has her.

[Zach Amico]

I don't think that's the. The issue is that's the lady who sleeps in a bed with that 100%. And are we about to see the size of the bed? Yes, we are. Let's keep it going.

[F]

Personality is deceived by his name. It makes him seem a little bit more regal or, like, proper. But he's just a big baby. I'd say he acts more like he's like three. Like a human toddler. He's super playful, very vocal.

[Zach Amico]

Just teaching it how to eat babies.

[F]

When he wants it. And he loves food, as you can tell. And he was actually the runt of his litter from the time I got him until he was about, I'd say, a year.

[Zach Amico]

It looks like you both kept growing, by the way. I think the chair the same diet. There are bulls next to his.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, geez.

[Zach Amico]

Has a big. Yeah, it's a big, big old paw. Keep it going.

[F]

So we've heard all of the things. How big are his poops? We hear a lot. Where's his saddle? Do you ride him? The third one is always. Does he sleep in your bed with you? And our answer is always, yes. But apparently some people are shocked.

[Michael Turner]

Is that even a queen? That's Like a fool.

[Shannon]

Give me a kiss.

[Zach Amico]

That has to be another chick in the bed, right?

[Shannon]

Cuddling.

[F]

Cuddle and give lots of love. And that's his favorite thing.

[Zach Amico]

I think so now this.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, wow. Well, first she got the eyes of a very large.

[Zach Amico]

I think bigger than mine. She loves clothing, I think because she's always cold and. And she can choose actually what she like to wear in the day. So for me it's like really funny because I can see horses. So you keep it going. You keep the volume down. Choose different colors. These things evolved from wool? Yeah, both of these.

[Michael Turner]

Shameful.

[Zach Amico]

How much more can we fuck up? Something I know that we started with a wolf.

[Michael Turner]

I hate.

[Zach Amico]

And now both of these are options. It's the size of a bill.

[Shannon]

That's crazy.

[Michael Turner]

I hate little dogs like that.

[Zach Amico]

I would just be afraid of killing it all the time.

[Michael Turner]

100%. Do they sleep in the same bed? Because you're gonna roll over on that thing.

[Shannon]

People have too much time for both of this now all of this.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, I bet that dude hates this dog.

[Zach Amico]

I know. Do you even walk it? It can't go far.

[Michael Turner]

No, it's a lap around the kitchen island.

[Zach Amico]

And so here you can fast. So they met and I gotta tell you, pretty awesome.

[Michael Turner]

I'm into this.

[Zach Amico]

So bring it. So I was just reading my certificate. Hello, hello.

[Shannon]

Hi, son.

[Zach Amico]

Nice to meet you. Thanks for dressing up ladies.

[Shannon]

For the new record.

[F]

Thank you. Oh, my goodness.

[Shannon]

Hello.

[Zach Amico]

We are so excited to meet your dog, Rushy.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[Shannon]

Thank you.

[Zach Amico]

Here he comes. Oh, my goodness. By the way, I did think he was just gonna eat it. Like the horse eating the chick, you.

[Michael Turner]

Know, that would have been amazing.

[Zach Amico]

Say one.

[Michael Turner]

One shot, one swallow. That dog is terrified. Oh, no. It looks kind of excited, but I wouldn't let it on the ground.

[Zach Amico]

What if he just. It.

[Shannon]

You want to give your kisses to her? Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You see? Poor. Okay, so here's my. You can bring the volume down. Here's my picture. Guys, I'm talking hundred million dollar kids movie.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

These two dogs on an adventure.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

Homeward bound type home.

[Zach Amico]

Sure. Whatever you want.

[Michael Turner]

Right?

[Zach Amico]

We'll fill in that part later.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But here's. Here's. Here's where you're making your money voiced by Kevin Hart and the Rock. But not the ones you think they'd be.

[Michael Turner]

Flip it.

[Zach Amico]

The Rock is the little dog. Kevin Hart's the big dog.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, man.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Can you just imagine Dwayne Johnson?

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Three and a half inches tall. Damn it.

[Michael Turner]

That'd be amazing.

[Zach Amico]

Where's my little sundress. Are you telling me that movies not you already know.

[Michael Turner]

Kevin Hart wouldn't say. No, no, he's in already. Just from the pitch. He said work.

[Shannon]

You should make that movie. Zach.

[Zach Amico]

I. I gotta get these guys on the horn.

[Shannon]

If you were making it, I would picture it more like Troma esque.

[Zach Amico]

There is. There is a trauma dog movie, okay. Called Doggy Tails. And it was. So to fill in our friend Mike here, I work for a bad movie company.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, okay. I like that. I love a good bad movie.

[Zach Amico]

I still appear.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I do. I'm a day player.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I. We make ultra low budget movies.

[Michael Turner]

I love that.

[Zach Amico]

And at one point in our illustrious timeline, they've been open for 50 years. So they have another company called the Rhone Group. The Rhone Group puts out public domain movies.

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

So old movies that, you know, like gangster movies shit, that have hit the public domain.

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And they put out a bunch of Lassie movies and they did very well. And Walmart bought like, by the way, this is not public knowledge. And I realized halfway through this story that I am telling inside business story. But fuck it, I already started. And my friend that told me this story is dead now.

[Michael Turner]

So beautiful.

[Zach Amico]

Blame Doug.

[Michael Turner]

Come on.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

RIP to a real one.

[Zach Amico]

Thanks, Doug. So apparently Walmart bought like an obnoxious amount of these Lassie movies. So our two bosses at Trauma 1 is Lloyd, who's like the figurehead, and one is Michael, who's like the business side. And Michael couldn't sound more Jewish.

[Michael Turner]

Sure.

[Zach Amico]

And Michael's. That's what we do now. We're gonna do dog movies. Fuck it. No more horror. None of this bullshit fucking dogs. We're gonna cash out on dog movies. So instead of writing a movie and casting it and fucking getting professional dogs, you know, the way you make a movie. They just got dogs and film them at dog parks fucking around. And then decided to write the movie.

[Shannon]

Retroactively around what they were doing at the park around.

[Zach Amico]

And then they had foot that they. They basically got like a story after the fact where like the dog was getting dropped off for the weekend to stay at a kennel. And it was all the new friends that made and it was. It was a part one. It was called Doggy Tales.

[Michael Turner]

T A Ils this is gonna be a trilogy.

[Zach Amico]

And Doggy Tales A. Because trauma takes forever do everything Took way too long to make.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

By the way, when you listen to it, the voices on it are hilarious. All horror people.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Including fucking James Gunn who made Guardians and Superman coming out.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And Jenna Fisher from the Office, who was his wife at the time, before the Office was on tv.

[Michael Turner]

Are the voices of the dogs amazing.

[Zach Amico]

The movie takes forever. It is unbearable. It's just footage of fucking dogs with the worst. With the worst little kid. Like, I mean they really shadow. Could you look up doggy Tail? I love that. And so by the time it's done, Walmart realizes nobody bought the Lassie movies. And it was in the contract that if they didn't sell so many copies, the company had to buy the DVDs back. So somewhere there is a warehouse of fucking Lassie movies.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And then they're like, we're never doing dogs again. Dogs are bullshit.

[Shannon]

Incredible.

[Zach Amico]

But that wasn't you find any doggy tales.

[Michael Turner]

So I hard vouch for Homeward Bound.

[Unknown]

You can share this. I don't have a trailer, but it is showing up on IMDb as this. This is.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that's it for a sleepover. There should be a song, I think do the Doggy Paddle, one of the many songs that was a musical. Oh, it's a musical.

[Michael Turner]

Of course.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's a musical. And by it's a musical, I mean they got a minute of dog footage and stretch it out over the length of a five minute song.

[Michael Turner]

Because I was, I was watching. Oh, here we go.

[Zach Amico]

Some like the whole tree, some are colorful balls. But we all like to shake, shake, shake. This is the doggy paddle. That's the main dog, Patrick. Hi, my name's Patrick.

[Michael Turner]

So there is a hierarchy. There's a lead character.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, so the people just joining us, we're doing exactly what you think I was doing. Just I love a good dog movie. So this is if I'm tripping and I starts to go bad, this is the comfort zone.

[Shannon]

Had to bring you back.

[Zach Amico]

This is my this or the Simpsons are my Stacy safe.

[Michael Turner]

And do you have this Blu Ray?

[Zach Amico]

I think we only went up the DVD on this one, by the way. This one's gonna be seven minutes long. We cannot.

[Shannon]

Wow.

[Michael Turner]

So bad.

[Shannon]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

But yes, we've all that. When you work there, there's a couple movies that someone will sit you down and be like, hey, just so you know, we're gonna get really up tonight and watch this. And my two favorites of that, there's a movie they have called Fatty Drives a Bus. That doesn't make any sense.

[Shannon]

If you put that on while I was like tripping, I would probably have a fucking full blown meltdown.

[Michael Turner]

I don't think I would like it.

[Shannon]

I would Have a full blown mother.

[Michael Turner]

But it's your comfort zone.

[Shannon]

I would feel like I was in jail. Like a torture chamber of sorts.

[Michael Turner]

Do the doggy paddle.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he's got to do the doggy paddle, baby.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, that's fun.

[Zach Amico]

All right, let's keep it moving. I don't have an entirely lot of information about this, so Sharon might have to fill us in. Mike, you're my age. You remember Brian Peppers?

[Michael Turner]

Refresh my memory. I don't know.

[Zach Amico]

He was.

[Michael Turner]

I know. Barry Pepper.

[Zach Amico]

He was a meme before memes. He was a little person with giant bugged out eyes and a bowl cut.

[Michael Turner]

I don't remember. I don't know. I might remember the video.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon.

[Unknown]

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Zach Amico]

Don't worry, Shannon. Hey, you're safe here.

[Michael Turner]

I wasn't a big early.

[Shannon]

Wow, this is a different vibe.

[Michael Turner]

I wasn't a big early Internet guy. I was getting back then.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I was. I was on Rotten Dot com. Oh, do you remember? This is Brian Peppers.

[Michael Turner]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And this is him being interviewed, I believe, for sex crimes.

[Shannon]

He was committing sex crimes.

[Zach Amico]

And I think we. Apparently he's popped back up on World Star. I didn't watch it. I was like, shannon, what's going on with Brian Peppers? Fill us in. Let's watch it.

[Michael Turner]

If he ever had sex, it was a crime. There's no way anybody's given him consent.

[Ali Mae]

In this photo is one of the worst sexual offenders in the history of Ohio.

[Michael Turner]

Nice.

[Ali Mae]

This man's name was Brian Peppers. For years, this photograph circulated on the Internet attached to his story of sexual abuse. And nobody believed that it was real. But some fact checking was eventually done. And yes, Brian Peppers was a real man with a real peppered past.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, I love that.

[Zach Amico]

Huge charge of sexual assault.

[Michael Turner]

This dude is not. I get it.

[Ali Mae]

And when Brian was younger, he was bullied incessantly by people in his school.

[Zach Amico]

He was a seasoned predator.

[Michael Turner]

He did he dry rubbing his penis on children. The pap.

[Zach Amico]

He said, you're out of time.

[Michael Turner]

There it is.

[Zach Amico]

His mother, Rosemary, molested him.

[Michael Turner]

Good Lord.

[Zach Amico]

Go ahead.

[Ali Mae]

His body quickly began to grow weaker and eventually his mental health deteriorated to such a point that he had to be checked into a nursing home. But it was in the year 1998 when Brian was arrested and convicted of. Of molesting somebody. According to the report, he actually sexually abused the nurse that was taking care of him. Nursing home.

[Shannon]

Give me a break.

[Michael Turner]

I'm not mad.

[Ali Mae]

From the nursing home. He spent 30 days in jail and he was on probation for five years.

[Michael Turner]

Probably got a Little after this incident.

[Ali Mae]

Brian was on the sex offenders registry in Ohio up until his death.

[Michael Turner]

He's taking these when he died.

[Ali Mae]

Brian peppers was only 4 foot 1.

[Zach Amico]

Inches tall, so he wasn't that bad of a sexual offender.

[Michael Turner]

Sounds like he just showed hands at the nursing home.

[Zach Amico]

Sexual offenders, like somebody's going after. Yeah, you gotta have a, you gotta have a laundry list.

[Shannon]

Yeah, but how can you sexually assault someone at four foot one? You just kick.

[Zach Amico]

You look up their skirt, I guess. Put mirrors on your tiny shoes.

[Michael Turner]

Also, he's at the nursing home. X amount of days he's not, he's not releasing. Yeah, somebody needs to give him a little H.J. or something.

[Zach Amico]

Well, they say old people like animals at nursing homes sitting in there.

[Michael Turner]

He's back.

[Zach Amico]

He's. He looks like that.

[Michael Turner]

Stuffed up. He's got. Poor little fellow nurse. Southwest Ohio. I don't, I don't blame it.

[Zach Amico]

See this, he was just born too early because I feel like now that guy could find some weird goth bitch.

[Shannon]

Now he could have only fans.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, he would. That is true.

[Shannon]

He could collaborate with other only fans. Models and make a lot of money.

[Michael Turner]

On the bang bus by Thursday.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Well, speaking of little people, I do have another world star hip hop video because you tell what Zach does in the morning.

[Michael Turner]

Are white people taking over World star hip hop? That guy was a. Yeah, that was, that was a yoga instructor.

[Zach Amico]

Man getting frisky with a female dwarf. Let's see it. Shannon, I don't think this is news. I just wanted to say it.

[Michael Turner]

Man. Getting frisky.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that's how you do that.

[Michael Turner]

What's wrong with. Oh, he got to bring. Go down to their level.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, I do.

[Michael Turner]

I thought that was gonna be longer on the. Yeah, in the, like, let's say you're dating a dwarf or do they come up to your chest? Do you go down to them in the bed?

[Zach Amico]

I made out with a, a dwarf once and I, I, I, I got down.

[Michael Turner]

You go down to their level.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shannon]

That's got to be hard on your neck and.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't want to pick them up.

[Shannon]

Maybe your knees.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like picking them up is derogatory.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Yes. You gotta, like, hold them kind of a turn off.

[Zach Amico]

You got to support the butt.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You know, like, I, I'm sure at home. Yes, you can pick them up, but not in front of people.

[Michael Turner]

It's in your domain.

[Shannon]

No, I don't think so.

[Michael Turner]

That's tough. That's fun. I thought that would be cooler, but that Guy seemed like he was having a good time.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, good friend.

[Michael Turner]

His homies are laughing at him. They're jealous.

[Zach Amico]

So we were also talking crazy bitches. So I do want to note this. We have been following. We have been doing a deep dive on our Impractical Jokers. Hey, listen, I stay in a lot of hotels and Practical Jokers is always on, all right? It's the. It's the same as having Sirius XM in a rental car, all right? If you're in a hotel and Practical.

[Michael Turner]

Jokers is Practical Jokers, friends, there's a couple of very mediocre television shows.

[Zach Amico]

Joe Gato, new Accuser. Have you seen her?

[Michael Turner]

No, buddy. There's a new one, buddy.

[Zach Amico]

I'll tell you what, if it's true, my man's got taste. Oh, yeah, My bad. I mean, I might be going. Sal's always been my favorite. I might be going full gateau after this one. Let's check him out.

[Shannon]

When I was 15 years old, Joe Gatto from the Impractical Jokers groomed me.

[Zach Amico]

Pause. This week's winner, Joe.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Okay, so damn, she does look like she could be manipulated. At 15, who knew? Some pretty bad ideas.

[Zach Amico]

Who knew that The Hot Juggalo material, right? That's beyond. Dude, that's. That's high end.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right?

[Zach Amico]

High end. Like, see, old school scene. Yeah, but let's see.

[Shannon]

Well, he was. Get a picture of him. This is. Get a picture of him from. Is this him from back in the day?

[Zach Amico]

So this is him now. Wait, that's the exact same story as the other ones, which is. This all happened the first season of the show.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, really?

[Zach Amico]

Which was, I think 1974.

[Shannon]

Okay. Show him from back then because I bet he was hotter.

[Zach Amico]

I'm sure he was. But let's just. Let's go over a story and let's judge.

[Ali Mae]

A woman, Otto, has been accused by another girl of misconduct. But this time the accuser is accusing Joe of grooming her when she was 15 years old. So this girl shared her story here on Tick Tock. And basically she states that she was a huge Impractical Jokers fan. And in 2015, when she was 14 years old, about to turn 15, she went through the Impractical Jokers cast Twitter accounts, found their Snapchats, and just decided to message them.

[Zach Amico]

Pause.

[Ali Mae]

Didn't expect.

[Michael Turner]

Sound like she initiated this.

[Shannon]

She did.

[Zach Amico]

And now I'm not saying it's appropriate to talk to a teenager.

[Michael Turner]

No.

[Zach Amico]

As a famous man or as a non famous man, but God damn, lady, get out of those dms, she.

[Michael Turner]

She shot four shots. Five of them.

[Zach Amico]

That means. By the way, that means she messaged all four.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, right.

[Zach Amico]

That's a numbers game. Yeah, that's a numbers game, son.

[Michael Turner]

He responded.

[Zach Amico]

She.

[Michael Turner]

She looks like she can only come watching B roll from Underworld. This is crazy.

[Ali Mae]

Anything back? But shockingly, according to her. Who responded but? Joe Gatto saying at first, happy Birthday. She then claims that they began to Snapchat almost every single day. Back and forth, casually. They were streaking one day when she came from home school, and he asked her to video chat. According to the girl, he asked her how tall she was, how much she weighed in her bra size, and then said, you're a bombshell. That's a quote from her. She then states that he allegedly tried to get her to send him some more risque photos of her butt and chest. Keep in mind, this was all going on over Snapchat, where messages disappear. She felt uncomfortable, though, and she wouldn't send him anything new. Keep in mind, she was a young teenager at the time, so this would have been very illegal. According to her, Joe then allegedly blocked her. Now she says that she knows she doesn't have evidence, and she realized back then if she talked about this, she could have gotten the show canceled. It would have been a huge thing, but she didn't want to face fans that would have been angry about the show getting canceled, people telling her she's a liar and the hate that would have come from it.

[Shannon]

When I was 15 years old, Joe Gatto from the Impractical Jokers Groomed.

[Michael Turner]

You mean the guy that shot Columba?

[Zach Amico]

All right, so once again, not saying any of this is okay, but.

[Michael Turner]

No, lady, I'm out.

[Zach Amico]

Lady.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

A. There's. We got to put a time on. Like, Yeah, I think 10 years. We got to put a 10 year mark on it. You can't get in trouble for messages you sent 10 years ago unless they're like, I'm going to kill you if you don't suck my dick.

[Shannon]

Right, Right.

[Michael Turner]

And you can't come out a month after somebody else accused him, conveniently 10, 13 years after.

[Zach Amico]

You know, I always thought that was the funniest thing about the MeToo movement is nothing describes the women who participated in it better than going, me too.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Wait, you're getting attention.

[Michael Turner]

Me too.

[Zach Amico]

Me too.

[Michael Turner]

This is very true. Wow, man.

[Shannon]

What's the point of, like, I don't really understand what the point is of coming out and saying that now. Like, like, do you.

[Zach Amico]

Did it make anything Better.

[Michael Turner]

Just like, is she feel better about it?

[Zach Amico]

I've had this conversation on a couple shows, so I apologize. To express his opinion.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Verbat. Over. Over and over. But like, I'm pretty sure he's just getting charged with being Italian. But yeah, he's a shithead from fucking Staten island girls who was in improv classes throughout high school. So I don't think he was crushing box. No. He's hanging out with three other dickheads.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Pretending they're fucking doing jobs.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And filming sketches. So he had time. He.

[Michael Turner]

I never saw the film, but I think this is the same storyline as Andy Garcia and Godfather 3.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Michael Turner]

I mean, pretty much.

[Zach Amico]

And I'm just saying he. He's making up for lost time. He didn't get a chance to have hot. I think young bitches.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And then he got famous. It went a little nuts for the first couple of years.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But if he's not still doing it, can't we say the guy grew as a human?

[Michael Turner]

I just like that his. His thing could just be that it was a prank. That they were there in the courts.

[Zach Amico]

I look listening.

[Michael Turner]

Practical joke.

[Zach Amico]

My three friends were in the next room. They had Mer. Had my phone.

[Michael Turner]

And last I checked, we live in a capitalistic society. We were just trying to make money.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Come on.

[Zach Amico]

By the way, that is a great excuse for all. And be like, yeah, they had my phone that day.

[Michael Turner]

It was just a goof.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. This is what we did. I was tied to the Statue of Liberty while they had my phone.

[Shannon]

Dude.

[Zach Amico]

That would be. So today your punishment is you have.

[Michael Turner]

To text a 15 year old Goth.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. You have to. We're gonna get. We're gonna Snapchat. We're gonna Snapchat this emo.

[Michael Turner]

Oh my God. That's funny.

[Zach Amico]

Allie, it might be into too rough here.

[Shannon]

Oh, no, no. Not at all. I'm a girl. I just said I don't understand the point of coming out and saying anything.

[Zach Amico]

Especially when if he had found her.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And been like, hey, talk to me.

[Shannon]

That'd be one thing. But she. She initiated the whole thing. She wanted it.

[Zach Amico]

You're down to clown lady.

[Shannon]

She got it. And now she messaged you.

[Zach Amico]

Messaged all of them.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That means you would have fucked any of them.

[Shannon]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

And that's the one that answered you.

[Shannon]

You were being a little fame whore.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I hate to be that guy.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I think I'm that guy.

[Michael Turner]

Also, the other three couldn't figure out Snapchat, otherwise they'd all been DMing her.

[Shannon]

I do not understand the mental process of doing something like that to begin with.

[Zach Amico]

Like, plus, you could Screenshot on Snapchat 100%. And I only know that because it told me. Because it told the girl that I had screenshot, and she's like, did you just fucking screenshot that?

[Michael Turner]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

And I was like, no. And then she showed me the notification, and I was like, yeah, it is.

[Shannon]

That is kind of a funny feature because. Okay. So it lets the other person know that you screenshot it. Now what you have, you can't do anything. It's not like you can press charges on someone for screenshotting.

[Michael Turner]

He could block her.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

What she did.

[Zach Amico]

I used that. There was a gay Indian guy that used to send me videos.

[Michael Turner]

He used to pour water down his butthole.

[Zach Amico]

Used to send me videos of him jiggling his butt cheeks and then jerking off, but he didn't speak English. And I was always just like, oh, this guy really likes me. And I would never respond. But it's. Every once in a while, I'd be like, hey, sexy. And I would get that. And then my friend is another fat guy, added him, and he started getting the same videos. And it really hurt my feelings.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Because I thought they were for me.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

Oh, you thought you were special.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I really did.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

And he would go all the way. He would come and everything.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

No English. Just, hey, sexy.

[Michael Turner]

Well, that's the international language.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Just, I was not. Snapchat was not my forte.

[Michael Turner]

Snapchat is weird. I never got.

[Zach Amico]

You were probably the right age for that.

[Shannon]

I was on Snapchat. I mean, I don't use it anymore. I. I don't really like social media, to be honest. I like, if I've spent five minutes on Instagram, I feel like my brain is dying or just dead. So I don't use really any. I hardly use anything anymore.

[Michael Turner]

But Snapchat was just first. That was a very sexual app. Or still is.

[Shannon]

I'm sure it is a very sexual app, but. And then, like, the retarded, like, little filters and whatnot. I don't know. It's so weird.

[Michael Turner]

I know what the kids are doing with Snapchat these days. Yeah. Because I remember being single for a little bit early 30s, trying to figure out Snapchat and holler at chicks and. Yeah. It was just. There's a lot of photos of my penis out there, but they disappeared.

[Shannon]

I get a lot of dick pics to my Instagram.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah. Now that has actually turned because they took a Lot of features from Snapchat on Instagram.

[Zach Amico]

Are they vanishing or are they just dick pics?

[Shannon]

No, they're in there. They're just in there.

[Michael Turner]

Remain in chat.

[Shannon]

I feel like I could start in only fans with just the pictures of penises that I've gotten. Do you know what I mean?

[Zach Amico]

I think you should, shouldn't I?

[Shannon]

It's America and I Tumblr. I need to make some.

[Zach Amico]

I wish Tumblr was still around.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, 4chan.

[Shannon]

I can make a lot of money, you know, just pictures of dicks. There's one guy who, I mean, he'll like send me money and every once in a while he'll send his penis. And it is the biggest, most disgusting. Sorry, if you're watching, but it's the biggest, most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. It's. It'll be like.

[Zach Amico]

Go on.

[Shannon]

He'll. He'll put it next to a giant sneaker. Like an eleven and a half.

[Zach Amico]

Thank you.

[Shannon]

And an eleven and a half size sneaker. And his penis.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I'm listening.

[Michael Turner]

Eleven and a half size sneaker.

[Shannon]

And it's just so big.

[Michael Turner]

Is it shapes? Is it bulbous?

[Shannon]

Oh, God, it's bigger. It's like a horse stick. It's bigger than a penis should ever be.

[Michael Turner]

Really?

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Is it proportional or is the head bigger than the shaft type of deal? Is it kind of weird like that?

[Shannon]

No, it's. It's like, it's pretty proportional.

[Zach Amico]

Sometimes with dudes with real big dicks, it'll be thick in the middle like a snake that ate something.

[Shannon]

Yes, right, right, right.

[Michael Turner]

No, that was Harvey Weinstein's dick was kind of like that.

[Zach Amico]

They said his dick looked like a vagina.

[Michael Turner]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

That's fun.

[Zach Amico]

They said he had a non existent.

[Michael Turner]

A micro.

[Zach Amico]

A micro.

[Michael Turner]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

And I've got opinions on horstog.

[Michael Turner]

How have we never gotten a picture of his dick?

[Zach Amico]

But hold on. Let's, let's.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, let's.

[Zach Amico]

Question about your. Your, your, your. Your admirer.

[Michael Turner]

Horse dick.

[Zach Amico]

Ethnicity?

[Shannon]

White.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, good for him.

[Shannon]

Yeah, it's a crazy penis. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

[Michael Turner]

Is it sometimes the color changes here. Is it good coloration?

[Shannon]

It's just the same color. It's just.

[Zach Amico]

It's not Neapolitan or anything.

[Shannon]

You know what I mean?

[Michael Turner]

Yeah, there's some. Sometimes some stuff.

[Shannon]

I mean, I could pull it up, right? I'm not gonna.

[Zach Amico]

100%. You need to.

[Shannon]

Okay. But we can't show it.

[Zach Amico]

No, we will not show it on the camera.

[Shannon]

We can't show it on the camera.

[Zach Amico]

You can pass it over to me with the phone down.

[Michael Turner]

Okay, I know. Yeah, I think you take this. I don't think I need this early in the day. Might ruin my afternoon.

[Shannon]

Oh, no, no, no. That's what it's all about here at Gas Digital.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

You're gonna ruin it. Wake up, buddy. Wake up, buddy. Because who needs you get a four dying.

[Michael Turner]

Is it erect or does he give it to you soft?

[Shannon]

It's erect.

[Michael Turner]

Nice. I mean, a big enough dick, you can go soft.

[Zach Amico]

I've never sent a soft dick. Pick him, but. Oh, I take it back. I have. It's amazing to be funny. Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah. It's hilarious if you want to do that. Soft dick is a tough look. That's what Brett Favre got got with.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

Okay, So I did take.

[Zach Amico]

I took a nude picture sitting on my old boss's desk.

[Michael Turner]

That's funny.

[Zach Amico]

With my dick and balls on her chair.

[Michael Turner]

That's funny.

[Zach Amico]

That was pretty.

[Michael Turner]

If somebody rubbed a soft dick on Logan Paul's bust, that would have been funny stuff.

[Zach Amico]

Everything's funny about that.

[Michael Turner]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Hard dick would have been weird.

[Michael Turner]

Hard dick would have been weird. Soft dick with prime up asshole.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, very funny.

[Michael Turner]

But if prime's up your asshole, you're probably hard.

[Shannon]

I think. I can't quickly find.

[Zach Amico]

That's okay.

[Shannon]

This is so I can imagine. I can't quickly find the one next to the sneaker.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Michael Turner]

That would have been.

[Shannon]

But I can. I know.

[Zach Amico]

I love that you're passing it like it's an offer in a business meeting.

[Shannon]

Yeah, it is.

[Michael Turner]

On this first.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Pass it to him.

[Michael Turner]

Then I'll go this way.

[Shannon]

Oh, you want to see?

[Michael Turner]

I. I mean, if.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, we're all family here. It's like Olive Garden.

[Michael Turner]

Oh, Jesus. That doesn't even look like it should be attached to that body.

[Shannon]

No.

[Zach Amico]

All right, now slide it over to me.

[Michael Turner]

Crazy.

[Zach Amico]

Slide it.

[Michael Turner]

That is crazy. Actually, that doesn't make that much sense.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, okay.

[Michael Turner]

Doesn't that look like it should be attached to something? Another human being?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah.

[Shannon]

And. And. And just. Just so that my. Just because, you know, there's. I have a lot of payment situations with. With men. And I just want to say this could be anybody, really. And.

[Michael Turner]

But whoever it is knows exactly we're talking about.

[Shannon]

No. Well, okay. I don't know if know that it's them, but this person. I mean, they. They paid me to watch that, as they should have. Yeah.

[Michael Turner]

I'd like some compensation.

[Shannon]

And. And that's what you know. Yeah, yeah, there's.

[Michael Turner]

I like to speak to your Jewish movie making friend.

[Shannon]

Yeah, there's a lot of guys that pay me to.

[Michael Turner]

To get eyes on their dicks.

[Shannon]

To get eyes on their stuff.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, you know what?

[Michael Turner]

Capitalism.

[Zach Amico]

Good for you. That's. I love making money.

[Michael Turner]

I love that for you.

[Zach Amico]

Good for you. I'm very happy for you.

[Michael Turner]

That is nice.

[Shannon]

That is. This guy is a food delivery driver and I.

[Zach Amico]

And he won't come upstairs.

[Michael Turner]

And he's Chinese.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

And I.

[Zach Amico]

If he's Chinese. If he's Chinese. I need to reconsider a lot.

[Michael Turner]

If we turn the audio on and all you can hear is.

[Zach Amico]

All right, let's wrap it up there. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. Please support my good friends Michael Turner and Allie Mae. Let's get plugs out of the way before we head out. Allie, what do you want people to check out? Doggy.

[Shannon]

I'm on Instagram as default programmer. I have a show at the stand this Wednesday called Drip. You can use my code and save $5. A monstrous little lineup. Adrian Appalucci, Dan Soder, Ari Shafir, me, Naim Ali and I forget who else. It's a very, very, very good lineup and it's a great show and it's a sold out. So come check that out Wednesday, 7pm.

[Zach Amico]

At the stand and I will vouch I've done that show. It's excellent. Ally runs a great room and if you want to see great comics, always support Ally. And she's a great comic too. Thank you, Mr. Turner.

[Michael Turner]

Turner comedy on everything I have this weekend. I'll be in Denver at the Comedy Underground on May 9th and 10th and then I got Columbus coming up and Detroit. So come see me live. And then I'll also. I just recorded a don't tell special that'll be coming out within the next month or two, so keep eyes on that. But yeah, just follow me on IG, TikTok, whatever. Appreciate you guys.

[Zach Amico]

Fantastic. Good for you, buddy. Hey, just follow me on Instagram at. Zach is not funny. I have all my dates are going to be posted on Punch up Live, Zach Amico. And I'll be on tour with Juggalo championship wrestling the 20th through the 25th, I believe we are doing South Carolina, we're doing, I think West Virginia, going all the way up to Liverpool, New York and Reading, Pennsylvania and we will still have shows that entire time because I don't around, baby. And thank you so much for tuning in. If you love the show, use the pro. Use the promo code zoo at checkout@gas digital.com you save a dollar fifty a month, get access to the live chat. You get access to episodes early, uncensored and ad free. And the archives of all the great shows available here on the network. Thank you so much guys for tuning in and we'll see you again on Wednesday here on Zacabico's Morning Zoo.

[Michael Turner]

Don't go pooping on any coke. It's Acme go morning too. It's Acme go morning too.