0017. Maddy Smith and Robbie Bernstein

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Luis and Zac Show – Episode 0017: Maddy Smith and Robbie Bernstein

Introduction In Episode 0017 of The Luis and Zac Show, hosted by Louis J. Gomez and guest-hosted by Shannon due to Zac Amico's absence, the hosts welcome comedians Maddy Smith and Robbie Bernstein. The episode kicks off with lively introductions, setting the tone for an uncensored and energetic discussion filled with humor and candid conversations.

Sexual Health and Anecdotes One of the primary topics revolves around sexual health, particularly the importance of urinating after sex to prevent urinary tract infections (UTIs). Louis shares a personal anecdote about his experiences and misconceptions regarding birth control methods.

• Louis J. Gomez [04:39]: "So the Vatican said in 1930, they were like, look, you don't have to come and you don't have to cream pie your girl. You're allowed to shoot it on her tits."

The discussion delves into various sexual practices, the effectiveness of the pull-out method, and personal experiences with aggressive sexual activities like mutual choking.

• Maddy Smith [07:00]: "And then I'm wondering about when they announced that you can. What was the official rhythmic birth control?"

OnlyFans and Online Content Creation The conversation shifts to the topic of OnlyFans, exploring its impact on personal relationships and the broader implications of online content creation. Louis and Maddy discuss the financial aspects, marketing strategies, and the sometimes deceptive nature of online platforms.

• Louis J. Gomez [44:10]: "She's one of them pogs. But she. So here's the thing. Her whole. The whole thing. The marketing on it is she's a Christian virgin. She's 20 years old. That's that."

Robbie shares his skepticism about OnlyFans, labeling it a potential "big old scam" where only a few accounts generate significant revenue.

• Robbie Bernstein [45:05]: "I can't prove this in any, but I think OnlyFans is a big old scam where every once in a while they pump a lot of money into single accounts."

Sobriety and Self-Improvement Louis opens up about his journey toward sobriety, discussing his decision to abstain from smoking weed and drinking as part of his quest for self-improvement and preparing for an upcoming comedy special.

• Louis J. Gomez [27:48]: "I am Day three of not smoking weed. Day three of actual sobriety. No drinking, no smoking weed. No nothing."

The hosts and guests share their experiences with sobriety, the challenges of maintaining it, and the impact it has on their personal and professional lives.

• Louis J. Gomez [28:37]: "I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying. Well, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life and there's a lot. There's so many things going on."

Humorous Stories and Anecdotes The episode is peppered with humorous stories and exaggerated anecdotes, including a tale about a disfigured individual being asked to leave a restaurant. The hosts humorously critique societal reactions to physical appearances and share light-hearted banter about handling such situations.

• Louis J. Gomez [36:12]: "He was disfigured, and I guess he had a really up face. But you can't ask to leave a restaurant."

Listener Interactions and Live Chat Throughout the episode, the hosts interact with their racist live chat, addressing comments and incorporating listener feedback into the conversation. This segment adds an interactive layer to the show, allowing listeners to feel engaged and part of the discussion.

• Louis J. Gomez [05:52]: "Shout out to dope smoker 314 says green screen sucks. Okay. J dog 92 says you Lewis."

Comedy and Personal Growth Louis and Robbie discuss their comedy careers, upcoming shows, and personal growth as performers. Louis shares details about his nationwide tour, the "Bring 5 Friends Tour", and his plans for an upcoming solo comedy special aimed at being his best work yet.

• Louis J. Gomez [56:11]: "So yeah, come see me on the road. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com while you're there."

Robbie talks about his own comedy projects, including a special titled "Live from the Denver Comedy Garage", and encourages listeners to support each other's endeavors.

• Robbie Bernstein [56:11]: "I've just put out a comedy special live from the Denver Comedy Garage. Not an actual place. It's up for free on my YouTube. Please go check that out."

Social Issues and Sensitivity In a more serious segment, the hosts address a listener's Dear Abby question about marital issues stemming from past sexual trauma. The discussion highlights the complexities of relationships, trust, and the challenges of addressing sensitive personal histories.

• Shannon [62:44]: "My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14, but said it wasn't violent. She also said she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16."

Louis responds with a mix of humor and harsh honesty, emphasizing the importance of honesty in relationships while navigating the topic delicately.

• Louis J. Gomez [64:35]: "You don't know unless you know. Shannon, what is up? Let's bring up this story."

Conclusion and Future Plans As the episode wraps up, the hosts recap the main discussions, promote upcoming shows, and encourage listeners to subscribe to their mailing lists for exclusive content. Louis reiterates his commitment to sobriety and personal growth, aiming to deliver his most impactful comedy special.

• Louis J. Gomez [74:36]: "This is a new, energetic, sober Lewis. I feel like I am a little bit sharper."

Notable Quotes

1. Louis J. Gomez [04:39]: "So the Vatican said in 1930, they were like, look, you don't have to come and you don't have to cream pie your girl."
2. Robbie Bernstein [45:05]: "I think OnlyFans is a big old scam where every once in a while they pump a lot of money into single accounts."
3. Louis J. Gomez [27:48]: "I am Day three of not smoking weed. Day three of actual sobriety. No drinking, no smoking weed. No nothing."
4. Louis J. Gomez [36:12]: "He was disfigured, and I guess he had a really up face. But you can't ask to leave a restaurant."
5. Shannon [62:44]: "My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14, but said it wasn't violent."

Key Takeaways

• Unfiltered Conversations: The episode exemplifies the show's commitment to open, candid discussions on taboo and sensitive topics, blending humor with real-life experiences.
• Personal Growth: Louis's journey toward sobriety underscores the hosts' focus on self-improvement and the impact of personal choices on professional life.
• Humor with Sensitivity: While the show thrives on humor, it also tackles serious issues, balancing comedy with moments of genuine reflection and empathy.
• Interactive Engagement: Listener interactions through the live chat add a dynamic and engaging element, fostering a sense of community among the audience.

Conclusion Episode 0017 of The Luis and Zac Show delivers a robust mix of humor, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions on topics ranging from sexual health to online content creation. With engaging guests like Maddy Smith and Robbie Bernstein, the hosts maintain their signature unapologetic and fearless approach, offering listeners both laughs and relatable conversations. Whether discussing the intricacies of OnlyFans or sharing personal growth stories, the episode remains a testament to the show's role as a comedy revolution.

Transcript

[Maddie Smith]

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[Zach Amico]

Fill her up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Block, block, block, block. You know what time it is? They say life a bit tight at night. Boy, we diving in. We got Zach Am red dot headshot. Eat a sniper. The Puerto Rican point guard striking like a. Yo, what's up, baby? Boys, it's your boy, Louis J. Gomez. Puerto Rican rattlesnake, king of things, point guard of podcasting. The original real ass dude coming at you like Cleopatra in your mama's butt cheek. Zach Amiko out right now. Went out to JCW wrestling to do some announcing. Very excited and happy for Zach. We will miss him. My co host for the day is actually running late. Shannon. We picked a great co host. Who? Jamie Josta.

[Maddie Smith]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of Hate Breed fame in the band Josta. He was. I was so excited to have him come in. And this sucker is at Penn Station currently. Currently.

[Shannon]

He actually sent me a thing from Amtrak. Like he's really like defending himself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He said he wants to prove that he's not lying.

[Shannon]

Yeah, we believe him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know he's not lying.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Being late is very rock star. Being at Penn Station is not agreed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, Shannon, Remember I said that Gas Digital thing is going through my arm now please fix it. I don't even want to fucking. Don't even get me going, Shannon. I don't want to deal with this again. Don't make me ask twice. Anyway, welcome to the Lewis act show. Jamie Johnson running late. Two incredible guests in studio right now. Love both of these people for different reasons. One of them I love sexually. One of them I love is an old Jewish friend. And I'm not gonna say who's who. You guys can figure it out.

[Maddie Smith]

Okay?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Actually, from the madhouse right here on the guest digital network, the great Maddie Smith back on the show.

[Maddie Smith]

What's up? What's up, Louis J. What's up, Robbie?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's up, girly girl?

[Maddie Smith]

How you guys doing? Morning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also from the running your mouth podcast and the co host of the part of the problem podcast. Formerly of the GAS Digital network, but now it's on platform. Now it's on platform, guys. The part of the problem platform. One of the fucking co hosts on that whole thing. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest, Robbie the Fire Bernstein back on the show.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Thank you, sir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's up, kid?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Dude, the lighting in here, I look good. I used to look terrible in this. I'm saying I look excellent now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you guys are both fucking two drawers of mayonnaise. You are the whitest.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Maybe that's what it is. I look like I got a little bit of color sitting next to me compared to Maddie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think.

[Maddie Smith]

So, yeah, you look really tan. Yeah, we look. I look like assholes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys are. You might be the whitest people that I know. Not just like physically in tone, but like your aura, like everything about you guys just screams white. And I know you're on Wild n Out and you think you have some sort of like, street clad or.

[Maddie Smith]

I don't. Yeah, I know that I'm on there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because, you know, because you are a cracker. And they love. They think they're like. Like, yo, she's so white. Let this be funny.

[Maddie Smith]

It's not like I'm like, oh, yeah, street cred. I'm black. I'm like, I know where I stand.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They know exactly what it is. It's the juxtaposition.

[Maddie Smith]

Juxtaposition.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great word, Louis.

[Maddie Smith]

Use a word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a great word.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I have some black aura from the black men I've let come inside me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on, Robbie. That's just Robbie. Don't say gay. We're turning over a new leaf here on the list. We don't do gay jokes on the show. We have an incredible show planned. Shannon, what are we up against today? So in 1930, Columbus sailed fast and dirty.

[Maddie Smith]

Hey.

[Shannon]

No, the Vatican approved rhythm method for birth control.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Rhythm method for birth control. What does that mean?

[Shannon]

Kind of like a pull out. Pull out? Yes.

[Maddie Smith]

Rhythm method.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So the Vatican said in 1930, they were like, look, you don't have to come and you don't have to cream pie your girl. You're allowed to shoot it on her tits.

[Maddie Smith]

And so before that, they were like, you have to nut in her. You have to nut in her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By Catholic law, you had to cream pie your.

[Maddie Smith]

Because if you don't, then it's not fulfilling the expect what the sperm could be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I imagine that Jesus is pushing on my hips when I. I swear to God, every single time.

[Maddie Smith]

I don't want to do this.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Could he cream pie her mouth in Christian law?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know, Shannon. What about cream pieing in a mouth.

[Robbie Bernstein]

In Christian Jewish law, it's just got to end up inside the lady. But there's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that really true? The Jewish law?

[Robbie Bernstein]

You can fill that. You can fill that mouth. It just has to end up inside the lady.

[Maddie Smith]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Jews, they waste none, want none. Wow.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Seriously.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that a. Is that a real thing in Jewish law?

[Robbie Bernstein]

As long as it's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not allowed to in the ass Jewish. That's true.

[Maddie Smith]

About the com.

[Robbie Bernstein]

P. Sh. Sex in the improper way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shaloka Darko.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, I think that was the word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Donnie Darko's Jewish cousin.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, hilarious.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on, folks. I'm here all day.

[Maddie Smith]

Shaloka, you're bothering me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shout out to everyone in the racist live chat. Watching right now, all the subscribers@gas digital.com. you guys are the best. If you guys are not subscribed and you're watching this on YouTube or elsewhere, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad free version of this show. We don't block out any of the videos we watch. We have a great racist live chat which we chime in with throughout the entire show. And we do a bonus episode every Friday. So go subscribe to Gaston. Use that promo code, Laz. You save a little bit of cash all. It's the number one way that you can support this show. Shout out to dope smoker 314 says green screen sucks. Okay. J dog 92 says you Lewis. Can you spell Lewis wrong? Okay.

[Robbie Bernstein]

It's just a mean live chat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

George Smith said this is a good one. Lewis is smooth. Oh, like his brain. Never mind. It wasn't. It was a misdirection. I really thought he had me there. That's okay. That's okay. They haters. They. They drink the haterate, but they love me. It's a love hate relationship with the racist live chat. I'm repping the racist live chat right now.

[Maddie Smith]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So anyway, incredible show. Lots of fun stuff to talk about besides that. But I think it's very fun that the. The Vatican was like making people cream pie.

[Maddie Smith]

I think that's fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

And then I'm wondering about when they announced that you can. What was the official rhythmic birth control? Did they have to demonstrate how to pull out?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I never. I never knew the pull out method was called rhythmic birth Control, Right.

[Maddie Smith]

I don't think.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Because if you have bad rhythm, it's just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's over.

[Maddie Smith]

Right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Right. Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My son's mother got pregnant not off of Precome, but my move. And I've learned. I've since learned the pull out, reinsert the pull out. But not only just pull out, reinsert the pull out, shoot a load, paint the canvas, and then the reinsert that. Oh, yeah, your dick just pushes that jizz. Right.

[Maddie Smith]

Right in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I assume that jizz, as soon as it touches the air, it like, like, dies, right? It's not.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You're killing off the weak. You want to really make sure that the strongest one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Doggy, I'm telling you right now, my. My son was shot outside of his mother's body. And then with my dick pushed back into her body and.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, and you pushed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was loud.

[Maddie Smith]

You pushed it in there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I pushed it in there.

[Maddie Smith]

You stuffed. I've never heard of that happen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double stuffed.

[Maddie Smith]

I've never heard of that happen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like an Oreo. Yeah, but I don't like double stuffed Oreos. I like the little. I like the less cream Oreos. The little thin ones. Don't be condescending, Maddie.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, no, there's. It's just better for my figure. It's better for my figure. I love a double stuffed Oreo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shannon, what is. How do they announce it to the public?

[Shannon]

Please, I don't even know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't know?

[Maddie Smith]

I can't even see her. The rhythmic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maddie, how do you feel about a cream pie? Shannon, turn on the sexy music. Maddie, how do you feel about. Do we ask you at cream pies? No.

[Maddie Smith]

Same exact music and question. We're just in the other room. You put on that music. You gotta.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I asked you about a cream pie.

[Maddie Smith]

Last time, and we were sitting on that couch.

[Robbie Bernstein]

He knew.

[Maddie Smith]

And the clip went. Was big.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it was big. That was the biggest. It was like the first big clip we had on the show.

[Maddie Smith]

I know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm trying to. I'm trying to recreate big clips.

[Maddie Smith]

You gotta make those moments again.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You gotta ask twice if you're gonna get an honest answer and make me hard.

[Maddie Smith]

True. Like I said, say one. Say it again. It leaks out three days later. So that's how I feel about a cream pie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah. So you don't like it?

[Maddie Smith]

I've noticed, actually more men lately are like, they don't want to come in because they're so scared.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I haven't been. I haven't been cream playing. And now I'm also paranoid that women lie about being on birth control. I've hooked up with a few chicks where I'm like, you on birth control? Yeah. I'm like, yeah, of course. And then I'm going like. So unless I feel like a little metal prong poking into my dick, I don't believe that she's on birth control.

[Maddie Smith]

I think even it's like, I almost.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Always wear condoms, But I've learned my lesson not to cream pie and a lady, because then I end up liking them too much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You like them too much?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Then I start walking away like, my loads. They're in there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They are.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I got to protect my loads. I can't just release this in the wild.

[Maddie Smith]

You got to go back for it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very often I will be having sex and the fantasy in my mind is, let me impregnate this woman and start a family with her. That's what's going on in my head with a stranger. I'm like, oh, I want to just fucking have a baby with you. And that gets me going. And then I'm like. And then as soon as I come, I'm like, who are you? Why are you here? I need to leave. I think I just committed a crime.

[Maddie Smith]

Right? You're a slut.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep. Yeah, I. You know what I did? I had sex with a girl recently.

[Robbie Bernstein]

High five.

[Maddie Smith]

Let's go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This bitch. This is some wild shit. This is. I haven't had this in a while because I guess girls are fucking. Girls are a little sluts now, right? Gals are out there. They're pig. And they know exactly what the fuck's up.

[Maddie Smith]

They're choking them in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They are. They really are. What?

[Robbie Bernstein]

I. I haven't had that two hands, by the way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Same girl. Same girl choked me. The girl that I'm talking about right now loved it.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Did you like that?

[Maddie Smith]

You like?

[Louis J. Gomez]

She also wanted me to choke her. It was very strange. We're choking each other while we were having sex. It was. It was a bit aggressive.

[Maddie Smith]

Aggressive?

[Robbie Bernstein]

That's like auto erotic asphyxiation with the spotter. I think I could get into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, no, it's. It's really not bad, dude. Especially if they get the carotid arteries, like a blood choke. Like within four seconds, you're like, I'm going out, right? Yeah, Right.

[Maddie Smith]

So she's choking you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm choking her. We're choking each other. We're.

[Maddie Smith]

You both look like Bart Simpson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So then we both, you know, we both finish. We do our thing. I don't know if she finished. I don't care if she finished. That's not the point I'm trying to make.

[Robbie Bernstein]

It's better for the story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The. She finished three times 10 million. She started squirting everywhere. This was. She really wanted it and loved it, and it was. It was pure heaven for her. I barely came right. But once I. Once I busted a nut. This was crazy. You're. You're lying in bed naked with a man, Maddie. You just had sex. He pulled out. He didn't cream pine you because you made. You made it very clear in that viral clip. He saw that that's how you met the guy.

[Maddie Smith]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a Lewis and Zach fan.

[Maddie Smith]

He's a rap guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a go might.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, he's a go might. He's a goite.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep. Oh, yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

He's lying there. He's got his skank statue on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's five foot three. He smells. He's fat.

[Maddie Smith]

Winter tickets dropping for next year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Worst gang fest location going to be. Is he pumping into you? Yeah, as soon as you guys finish having cus.

[Maddie Smith]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is your first move, Maddie? First move.

[Maddie Smith]

Piss.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You piss.

[Maddie Smith]

You piss as a. You piss.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This didn't piss.

[Maddie Smith]

She just laid there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just laid there.

[Maddie Smith]

I do have a joke in my standup that's like, we don't pee sometimes because we have to hold on to what he's. What he's provided. That's why we get UTIs, because we have to be like, call me a good girl again.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Wait. I got wild intel. I always get up to pee. I've never had a lady get up to pee.

[Maddie Smith]

That's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy. Women. So women have learned that if it's like a fucking natural biome down there, right? And my dick. There's a certain way. My son's mother, like, my dick was like poison to her body. She would get a UTI if my dick pointed in the direction of her pussy. It was. But she's old school. She didn't pee after we had sex.

[Maddie Smith]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ever.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Then years later, I'm single, I've all these sluts, and then the first time, like, you're hanging out with some chick and she's like, I gotta go pee. I was like, why? She's like, I'll go to uti. I'm like, oh, wow. That's some real slut knowledge.

[Maddie Smith]

Yes, it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. But girls need to do that. So this girl I hooked up with the other night, we finished lying in bed, and she's just lying there, bruh. And I'M literally, why is she not paying? When is she gonna be? And then I knew. I was like, she's gonna get a uti and then she's gonna complain about how I have a dirty dick.

[Maddie Smith]

Right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I don't have a dirty dick. You don't know how to take care of your.

[Maddie Smith]

I'm watching you lay right here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep, I'm watching. You not pee after sex, you retard.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I take a full shower. I burn my pubic hair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, stop it. You feel Jewish guilt every time you get laid?

[Robbie Bernstein]

No, I just. I'm a germaphobe.

[Maddie Smith]

And when you're done with a hole in it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that why you wear a condom? Because you're a germaphobe?

[Robbie Bernstein]

In part.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, you're like, you. You think you're going to catch an STD? STDs are not real. I've never had an STD. I'm letting you know I am a dirty dick whore.

[Maddie Smith]

Bag doesn't test.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't. I mean, no, I test. I test at least once a year. Sometimes twice a year. Because I feel like. Because my doctor's like, do you want me to do an STD test, too? And to say no would be the most irresponsible thing in the world to actually verbalize. No, that's okay. I'm just going to wing it for the year. That's fucking psychotic behavior. But no, Like, I've never gotten literally anything. No clap, no chlamydia, no gonorrhea. Probably hpv.

[Maddie Smith]

Definitely no claps.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No applause breaks, really.

[Maddie Smith]

Right, Right. No gigs, no one asking me back, no one's booking. Yeah. Okay. So she didn't go. And did she end up getting a uti? Yes, she did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course she did. She's like, uti. I was like, well, next time, do. And I talked to her about it. I was like. I was like, why don't. I was like, you don't pee after sex. She was like, I just don't have to. I was like, that's just. Force yourself.

[Maddie Smith]

You have to clean out the system.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clean out the pipes. So did you not know that, Robbie?

[Robbie Bernstein]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That women have to pee after sex in order to not catch UTIs.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I did not. Look at what I learned coming on the Real Ass podcast. I'm surprised you didn't know the fact that myself and that college student that you had sex with can learn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was a young girl. That's the problem. She was a young girl.

[Maddie Smith]

She didn't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't really learn these things. Till high school, to be honest with you. So I'm not gonna judge her for her being.

[Maddie Smith]

Exactly. She's still growing.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You think the other cheerleaders would pass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On the knowledge, but yeah, dude, if a girl doesn't pay after sex, you're like, yo, you're hardcore, bitch.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, you're holding it in there.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I've had where women almost get, like, annoyed when you get up to take a full shower and burn your pubes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you. Because you don't have to get up and shower. You're. You're fucking scrubbing your dick. Like she's a dirty bitch. Yeah, like, she's like, she's offended. She's like, can we cuddle right now?

[Robbie Bernstein]

If I don't shower, then yeah, I'm using all the towels to quickly soap and the whole work.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really? You do all that?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Oh, absolutely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But apparently you're supposed to pee. Even guys are supposed to pee after sex.

[Maddie Smith]

I think it's good to flush things.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think your chances of catching, like, the clap or things like that if you pee directly after sex go down. But Shannon, look that up. I think they go down by a tremendous amount across the board.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Have you ever had where you don't really have to pee, so you got to force yourself to piece. You got to flush the toilet a whole bunch so you don't. They don't hear you farting while you're trying to force piss out of yourself?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy. All right, let's take a quick moment and thanks Small Batch Cigar for being a longtime supporter of this show. We love Small Batch Cigar here at the Lewis and Zach show because they are simple, they're fast, and exactly what they sound like. They deliver you amazing cigars in small batches. There's free shipping on literally every order, and almost every order arrives within two to three days. In the continental United States, not only do they have the best line of products in the world, I mean, we're talking about the best online tobacconists on the planet. Every brand you're looking for, they got, but they have a bunch of brands that you don't even know of. They have an amazing new section that you can click on when you first get to the website and check out all their new lines of products. And really, the biggest deal about small batch cigars, because they sell your cigars in small batches. They have really fresh cigars, amazingly fresh cigars with the most thorough packaging in the industry. They give you a Boveda pack with every single order so your cigars stay fresh even if they get lost in the mail, your cigar is staying fresh. Small batch cigar.com is the website. When you go there, use the promo code GAS10. You're going to save 10% off your order and you're going to get 5% rewards points. Once again, that is promo code GAS10. GAS10 for 10% off plus 5% rewards points. Okay, where were we? That is crazy.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Did I just overshare?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. Urinating after sex.

[Maddie Smith]

Too much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's see. No. Urinating after sex does not prevent STIs. SCI's are contracted when bacteria enters the body through the mucous membrane during sex. And urinating after sex doesn't prevent this. This. I don't even believe that.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't believe Google on that either.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I really don't. I think that they're giving you the responsible answer. They're giving you what like a doctor is supposed to tell you, because if they give you wrong information, they're going to be held liable for some crazy. I think if you piss after sex and the girl has the clap, you're less likely to get the clap.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I go with Lewis Facts over Google.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Goddamn right.

[Maddie Smith]

Any day this, this guy's out here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On the street, I know a lot of. I'm out there living the living and experience life. Let's see. Look. We have a bunch of fun things to talk about on today's show. I'm very, very excited. Tonight is the annual Christmas tree lighting at Rockefeller Center. God bless you.

[Maddie Smith]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God bless you. One more time. You get one more. One more.

[Maddie Smith]

Before I get married, I only have two. Luckily, I do not have three.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Racism.

[Maddie Smith]

I sneezed and I turned Indian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Racism.

[Maddie Smith]

What? I don't know what happened. I need to sneeze again before I can turn white again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think you shouldn't break character and just do this the rest of the show.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Okay. Sound good? Oh, they are lighting the tree.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're lighting the tree.

[Maddie Smith]

Fun. I love Christmas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you love Christmas? Do India. Do Indians celebrate Christmas?

[Maddie Smith]

For sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do they celebrate Christmas in India? They have Christians in India, right?

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, in India. I thought you meant like Indians here. Yeah, there's Christians.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but are they like. Are they like real Christians, like they're celebrating Christmas or they're Indian Christians where it's like they're involved in some religious war? I think I. I feel like in those countries they don't have time for fun.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I bet Pakistan's into Christmas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think so?

[Robbie Bernstein]

I think that's why they don't get along.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, maybe.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, because they hate each other.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can we see an Indian Christmas tree, Shannon, please? See if there's. If we.

[Robbie Bernstein]

There's curry on it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We can see if there's. Yes, I want to see Indian Christmas decorations. I want to see one of those onion domes, but it's wrapped with Christmas lights.

[Robbie Bernstein]

They're so good with Christmas lights, though, the Indian restaurants.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

So maybe they don't need the Christmas tree because they're just Christmas lights year round.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When I first moved here. When I first moved here. I think when I first visited here. No, it's when I first moved here. Yes. Didn't matter. Down in the East Village. Oh, right here. Maybe even this block down there. Is it like a block. It's like a block away. Right. There's like an Indian row where it's all cheap Indian restaurants. And when I moved here, this is 2001, it was, I want to say, like seven or eight dollars for like a fucking four or five course meal. It was like. It was really cheap. And then the Indian guys would stand in front of the restaurants and they would bark you in and they would give you better rates. So even if their sign said $8, they'd be like, Nobody. $7, don't worry. And then they'd. They'd call you. They. And then they would argue with each other. And it was. It was so cheap to eat really, really good Indian food.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I like Indian food.

[Maddie Smith]

I like Indian food.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You like.

[Maddie Smith]

I like that little area over there, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Even with the chili lights.

[Maddie Smith]

Yep, I remember that one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How do you feel about Indian food, Rob?

[Robbie Bernstein]

I have not eaten Indian food in probably a decade. I do enjoy it, but it's just. It's too dicey. I got a. I got a weak Jewish stomach.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When I met Rob, Rob was straight up kosher.

[Robbie Bernstein]

It was crazy. That was crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was such a delightfully bad influence on Rob. I mean, the amount of things that Rob started getting into because he was hanging out with me before Robbie the Fire was hanging out with Dave Smith. He didn't even know who Dave Smith the fucking was. Me and Robbie Bernstein were out in fucking Foxwoods banging drunk bitches.

[Maddie Smith]

Foxwoods. Dude turn up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Remember those days, Robbie?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Such an event never took place. I don't even know what you're talking about.

[Maddie Smith]

You were open in St. Louis.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I've never. I've never been inside the Foxwood Casino. I've never had sex with a drunk person. I don't know what Lewis is talking about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Robbie. Robbie was like this nice little Jewish boy eating kosher and then next thing you know, he's eating bacon cheeseburgers and banging black chicks. It ru.

[Robbie Bernstein]

That's all you need is three months with Lewis to undo 20 years of yeshiva. Yeah, seriously, that's the exact ratio.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was a great. I was a great influence on you, Robbie.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I opened up your eyes to a lot of things in the world. Give me the top three things that you've learned from L. SH Gomez.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Ooh, Top three.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And there's a lot of things.

[Robbie Bernstein]

When I. When I used to hang out with Mr. Lewis more, I had much. I had much better game. And it's because I would copy your tricks. It was like working on a sales floor.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to know. I want to know from your perspective, what are my tricks? And it is like, you. You're right. You did sort of shadow me.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You had great moves. When I used to hang out with you in lol, I used to. I used to have some game. One of the best ones was the taking the phone and then just looking through pictures.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Easy. Rob, can we edit that, please? I got in trouble one time. I did that to a girl.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I mean, I haven't thought. I don't have that aggression anymore because I'm not around you just watching it work because it instantly turns things sexual. Well, so instantly that changes the whole vibe of hanging out with the person.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So right now, like, your. Our phone has become a much different thing. Our phone has become a portal to everything, right? So you have my whole. My banking on it. I have my social media. I have. I have everything. Like, literally, you can get my fucking credit cards off of my phone. You can get my Social Security number, my. You can get everything. If you have my phone, you can get everything.

[Maddie Smith]

Literally everything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Back in the day, it really was just text messages and pictures, right? That's. It was. There was a little bit of social aspect and that was fine. But, like, for the most part, it wasn't like, you didn't. Like, you couldn't steal somebody's life if you got their phone. So people would very. People leave their phones unlocked. Like, you would find a phone in the back of a taxi back in the day, and you go through the pictures and there's naked pictures. You're like, yeah, yeah. And that doesn't happen at all anymore. But what I would.

[Maddie Smith]

They didn't have all that face ID and passcode.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They didn't have any of that shit. So what I would do is, I'd be like. I'd say to her, I'm like, oh, my phone. Died. I gotta make a phone call. Can I use your phone? And she's like, share. And she gave me her phone. And then I'd be like, oh, how do you. How do you use this phone? And I'm just, like, looking for nudes and, like. And then here's the thing. You're not doing it. Don't be an asshole, Maddie.

[Maddie Smith]

I'm not. I'm gonna be funny with my reaction.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you were being a fucking girl.

[Maddie Smith]

No, Louis, I've been on the show five million times. I literally went. I had to be comedic. It was a comedic. And then Robbie didn't look at me, so I got.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be so dramatic, Maddie. Okay? Calm it down a little bit. Okay.

[Maddie Smith]

I bet they're ugly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They were hot. They were hot. And here's the thing you don't do. It's not rapey. It seems rapey. It definitely seems rapey.

[Maddie Smith]

But did they have nudes? Were they always.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, they always had nudes.

[Maddie Smith]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't do it in a way. You're not doing it behind their back. What you're doing is. You're doing in a way where they do catch you. You want them to catch you.

[Maddie Smith]

What are you doing?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Then they're like, oh, my God, give me that back. And then you're like, oh, let me just see it. And then if you get her to show you the naked photo, then you are ready to rock. Right? It's all. It's all manipulation. It's all evil. But it's not exactly as rapey as it sounds.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Wait, I got a great Alan Pidge.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In the racist live chat just says, lewis sucks. Lewis sucks. Alan, if you don't apologize right now, you're banned for six days straight, you know? Yeah, I'm not gonna be told that I suck when I'm giving great fucking ideas. If I was sucking, I would take it. But now when we're giving brilliant advice to fucking would be.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Creeps out there, creeps out there, creeps and train. Wait, I got a great Lewis story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Please.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I did not know Louis very well, if at all. And this was back at the original lol, when we barely had that green room off the side of whatever this was early. Early lol. I was just hanging out, trying to get on for check spots, and Lewis pulled the move on me where he goes, I left my phone at home. I gotta look something up. Do you mind if I look something up? And he takes my phone and then I see this little twinkle in his eye and I take my phone Back. And he had taken a dick pic that was on my phone and was tweeting it out going, check this. And I literally got my phone from him at the last second. And I was like, I don't even know this guy. And that's also. I wasn't even mad. I was just like, that's so funny. And luckily, I grabbed my phone at the last second.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's hilarious. Once again, you're naming awesome things. Alan does that suck. Once again, I'm the Alan, you piece of Alan. Did he say. Did he apologize? Let me see. Everyone else is now saying Lewis socks. Lewis sucks. Lewis sucks. Lewis sucks. That's okay. You guys are all okay. But it's Alan. Alan has to apologize.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't currently have that kind of swagger. This was a decade ago. But that move works so well because it just pivoted the conversation to getting them excited. And, like, it just pivoted to sexual immediately.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they're like. They're. They're showing you their naked bodies. I did it one time with a girl being flirty with her, right? She's like, oh, my God. And then I was like. I was like, let me see. So she showed me. Then she, like, gave me the phone. Then I sent the picture to myself.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Oh, yeah, you took it too far.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I will admit.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You're a gambler. You gotta push it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I will admit that I took it too far in this instance. Instance. Okay.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And then you deleted that. You had sent it or you didn't get.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I didn't. I. I didn't care that she. So once again, this wasn't trying to be shady. I was trying to be aggressively flirty with her. Right? Trying to cross a line. Girls like the line to be crossed a little bit. It's like choking each other, right? They want the line to be crossed a little bit.

[Maddie Smith]

Every so often, a little roofy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Turns out this. And by the way, she was being shady. She was being flirty. She was showing me naked pictures of herself. I send it to myself. She goes off into the world. I'm like, all right, maybe we'll talk to this girl one day. I get a text message from her being like, I can't believe you sent that picture to yourself. You. My boyfriend went through my phone and saw that, and he thinks you sent. I sent you that picture. I was like, oh, first of all, I didn't know you had a boyfriend. That's kind of on you, you fucking.

[Maddie Smith]

Little p. And y'all were talking about her nudes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she was showing Me, her nudes. It was crazy. And I did feel really guilty about that for a long time until right now as I'm replaying it in my head, I'm like, I did nothing wrong.

[Robbie Bernstein]

She wasn't mad about the picture. She was mad about the boyfriend.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was mad she got caugh.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Because if I have a boyfriend and I'm with you.

[Shannon]

Oh, look at my.

[Maddie Smith]

That's disrespectful to your man.

[Robbie Bernstein]

That is preach, Maddie.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Let the women out there listening to the real ass podcast.

[Maddie Smith]

All the girl listening.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's see. Dead Rev says Maddie is definitely sucking off Lewis.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Right now in studio. Don't believe the green screen. Listen to those very true noises.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because Maddie has never sucked me off. I'll make it very clear.

[Maddie Smith]

Yep. We have a very professional working relationship.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When she came on Gas Digital, that was it. That was I. And she would. All the time she'd be in my DMs trying to like, get weird. I put up a wall there. I said, as soon as you're a Gas Digital person. I was like, that's that.

[Maddie Smith]

And I. I had to think about it for months before.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Before signing. Because you knew that that was going to be the end of that.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Wow. It's the new HR department era of Gas Digital.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know it. I am feeling pretty good, by the way. I am Day three of not smoking weed.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Interesting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Day three of actual sobriety. No drinking, no smoking weed. No nothing.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And testosterone, leg squats.

[Maddie Smith]

And for what? For what do you do this for?

[Robbie Bernstein]

He's bettering himself. Look at the shine and glow he has. Are. You know, I'm picking up on this high energy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm just trying to better myself. I'm trying. Well, I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life and there's a lot. There's so many things going on. People don't. You guys. By the way, you guys out there, you see 6% of what's going on. There's 94% of what's going on in my life. You have no clue how much is going on. I've quantified this. I've actually broken it down. Specifically 94 there. 6% of my life is public. Okay. There's so many things, so many moving pieces. It's all coming together right now in such crazy ways. And I feel like I'm getting high and I'm trying to get rid of probably very important anxiety.

[Maddie Smith]

Understood.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Anxiety that needs to be there. That's my body saying doggy, turn left. You don't turn right, doggy. Stop talking to this person. Doggy. Make sure you continue to do that. Make sure you. And I'm constantly just. I noticed it yesterday. I was really bored yesterday. And what would do is I get bored and I'd be like, I just want to get high right now. That's it.

[Maddie Smith]

Me too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just want to get high. I want to get bored. And that's. And then you're not even doing anything. I go and I get high, and then I feel real high for like a half an hour and I feel like something is happening, but absolutely nothing's happening at all.

[Robbie Bernstein]

If we crunch the math, I feel like you spend more than 6% of your life just on podcasts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, that's not true.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Maddie, how many. How many hours a day? How many hours a day do you spend podcasting?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do. One, two, three Lewis and Zach's a week, Two Legion of Skanks a week. One Story Wars a week, and one regs every other week.

[Robbie Bernstein]

So how many hours is that?

[Maddie Smith]

7 hours a week or so?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's more than that. I'd say it's probably like, we don't.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Have to get math in juice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

9, 10 hours.

[Maddie Smith]

9, 10 hours.

[Louis J. Gomez]

10 hours.

[Maddie Smith]

So no weed, no drink. No weed, no drink. Let's rock.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going to do it when I'm on vacation. That's when I'm going to take a vacation, get really high, get really drunk. I'm just going to see if I could deal with it. But I'm. I'm actually. So everyone keeps on talking about the. The really vivid dreams that are supposed to come back. That's like a thing that happens when you quit smoking weed, if you smoke a lot of weed. Hasn't happened yet, I think, because when.

[Maddie Smith]

I've obviously not taken a break, but when I have, it was like a weekend. That's when you start.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it's a full weekend.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. And then you start crazy dreams. Yeah, you gotta get all the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are they scary though, or are they.

[Maddie Smith]

No, you wake up, like, what the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like a movie.

[Maddie Smith]

Vivid. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I remember this. This did happen in the past, but it hasn't happened yet.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, you got to clean out a little bit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Are you on any meds or anything? No, like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, nothing. Yeah, no, I'm really just trying to just. Just raw dog life.

[Maddie Smith]

It's fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a lot.

[Maddie Smith]

Are you also three days off alcohol or longer off drinking?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I drank at Skank Fest, but I was off of alcohol. For months before that.

[Maddie Smith]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So. Well, yeah, I'm not gay. I'm not being like, oh, you got us. Like, I'm not. I. You will never hear me to tell anybody else to stop smoking and drinking.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you could handle your. And by the way, I can. I can handle my. I'm. I want to see what sobriety is like at this stage in my life, and I want to see if I can level up in certain areas of my life. And I think, you know, it's just an experiment, so we'll see what happens.

[Maddie Smith]

It's. Do you smoke weed?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Occasionally?

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

I'm not a. I. I also like, when I get bored, I'm like, I'll smoke weed.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I. I try and reserve that stuff for when I know I'm traveling the next day because it's kind of a burn day anyways, and I try and avoid it when I'm at home. That's about it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I was just. I smoke all day, every day. I was drinking. I was on a drink earlier and earlier in the day. So. Yeah. Yeah, being sober is good. I try not to. I try. You know, sober Lewis, Socks Lewis, you're gay. Louis Faggot Lewis looks stressed. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. First of all, fuck faces, I. How many times have I talked about stopping drinking, Shannon? How many times have I even talked about not drinking anymore? Maybe three times on the show since I stopped.

[Shannon]

A handful. Oh, a small handful. How big the words are.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I find when I'm drinking and smoking, I can't tap into the things I. That I find important. Such as just if I was smoking the night before, I don't want to read the news and prepare for part of the problem.

[Maddie Smith]

Exactly.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And so, like, I'll sit there and I'll force myself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you're making me want to smoke. I'm like, that actually sounds like a reason.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I'm just saying, like, I'll sit there and I'll force myself to do it, but I don't have, like, my better ideas or if I'm writing jokes, I kind of want to quit a lot sooner.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That side of it as well, I'm kind of excited about. So I haven't. Last time I was sober. Sober has been years and I've. I've leveled up a lot as a comedian since that time. And I'm working on a brand new hour and my new. It's already the best I've ever done. I want to see if I spend six months being, like, really sober before I film the special. Like maybe my writing will just take the off. Maybe it'll just. It'll turn into a whole other perspective and a whole other thing. So Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Discover the year's top audiobooks, podcasts and originals in all your favorite genres, from memoirs and sci fi to mysteries and thrillers. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment, like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984 heartfelt memoirs like Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson's lovely one. The year's best fiction, like the Women by Kristin Hannah and Percival Everett's brilliantly subversive James Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen. Go to audible.com imagine and discover all the years best waiting for you.

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[Robbie Bernstein]

This is a douchey way to state it, please, but I find that my receiver for ideas that I'll get excited about or want to explore comedically is just very dulled. If I'm been smoking weed and drinking.

[Maddie Smith]

And then like yeah, and then when you're not, you're like yeah, like I'll.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Just start reading the news and like getting excited for jokes and stuff. And if I've just been smoking a bunch of weed the last three days, I'm just standing there and I don't want to be there and I have no good ideas and I think that the news is just not interesting. But it's really just me that I've kind of myself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know how Dave like his whole thing online, his whole like how does he not like that? It gives me anxiety when I read this page. It's like he's constantly in. It's not like I get into dumb arguments. I'll be on a plane, just some guy like, yeah, Louis, you fucking talk. And then I'll retweet him like, you suck. Yeah, that's as deep as it really goes.

[Maddie Smith]

Then you put on your neck pillow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's nothing else really. Like, it's just kind of surface area, like, yeah, you. You suck. You. You're a egghead. Well, like, nobody really. It's not Dave, like, really cares about what he's arguing, and the people that he's arguing with really fucking care. And they go at each other, like, on a whole other level where I'm like, how do you not want to just, like, take a break from that?

[Maddie Smith]

Right?

[Robbie Bernstein]

And then it escalates into him actually doing the debates with these people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's wild.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I can't engage with people online.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, I couldn't imagine. It would just give me anxiety all day long. I don't want to Fucking.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have to stop.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I can start. I get so mad. I just get so mad the second I start having to respond to you and formulating an argument, and then I just stop because I'm like, I don't know. This person is. I don't need to have a conversation with them. This is done.

[Maddie Smith]

You only know 94% of what they're. 6% of what they're.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is true. Shannon, what is up? Let's bring up this story. There was a guy who was asked to leave a restaurant for scaring customers.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Oh, it's about you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But he was. He was disfigured. No, he wasn't just being a real ass dude. He was.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Stay home. You know that about yourself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was being. He was disfigured, and I guess he had a really up face. But you can't ask to leave a restaurant. Is he suing the restaurant, Shannon?

[Shannon]

No.

[Robbie Bernstein]

So this boils on his face. If it looks like you're going to give other people what you have.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did you see. You saw the story?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Dude, it looks like hemorrho. It's like Danny Paek with a car accident that turned into hemorrhoids.

[Maddie Smith]

Ew.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Robbie Bernstein]

No, that's actually not the picture I saw. I saw. I saw it. That's the one I saw.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's pretty bad. But, I mean, you can't. You still. He's not. He's not so disfigured. You ask him to leave.

[Maddie Smith]

I would not ask him.

[Robbie Bernstein]

How do I know that that's not contagious?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not, dude.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I mean, I look at that guy's face, I'm like, I'm. I'm going to turn into an alligator also, Robbie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, the amount of pain that the Jewish people have caused to the world. You have nerve. You have a lot of nerve, Rob.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You see that one at least. If I can see the eye, I'm like, maybe this guy had, like, a car accident, but if I just see the boils, I'm like, holy, There's a leper eating in the restaurant.

[Maddie Smith]

I wouldn't look at that guy and say, get him out. Especially in New York City. You're like, oh, just another person.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I saw a guy on an airplane recently, and he had, like. It was like. He had like, whatever was, like, growths, but they were all drooping, like, so his whole head was like fucking droopy dogs coming out of everywhere. And it was like. I just felt so bad for this guy. And I had to stop myself from asking him to be removed from the plane, but I stopped myself, Robbie.

[Robbie Bernstein]

That's the difference, you see, he looks like a poor person's bath mat. And so if I ran the restaurant, just to be kind, I would say, sir, we would like to comp your meal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes. It was this guy.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This guy has a bunch of ball sacks on his face. That's an appropriate. Appropriate for children to see.

[Maddie Smith]

What is that called?

[Robbie Bernstein]

And a vagina in the middle.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, I want to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It got a bunch of heavy ball sacks hanging from his face.

[Shannon]

It's the same disorder as that other guy, neurofibromatosis.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So this guy just has it way worse.

[Shannon]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he has ball sacks. The other guy just has one flap.

[Maddie Smith]

He looks like. Do you guys.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I'm starting to feel guilty. Like, this is gonna. I'm gonna end up with this disease for making fun of them. So. Yeah, I. I apologize, sir. You should be able to eat wherever you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Robbie, Magic's not real. You're not going to get the disease for making fun of.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Thank you. See, that's why we have to hang out more.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Seriously, Magic isn't real. None of that. Non. To actually exist. You don't have to wish when it's 11:11.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you step on a crack, it's not going to break your mama's back, Robbie. Okay.

[Maddie Smith]

Jewish women don't have to wear wigs.

[Robbie Bernstein]

11:11. I've never.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't have to. Through a whole machine. Robbie. Magic's not real. Just.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't know. I feel like this. 11, 11, thing, I never gave that any real thought.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was an old, old, old great. Big J used to have the silliest, funniest jokes. When Big J first started comedy, he was like a silly act. He was very dirty, but it was just. It was all like silly visuals. And like, when I fell in love with his comedy. But one of his silly jokes that I remember, he was like five or six years in, he was like, he's like, I'm Jewish, so I have to have sex through a hole in the sheet. He was like, I don't even have sex. I just got a blowjob. Seems like I'm being blown by a ghost.

[Maddie Smith]

Hilarious. That's so funny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fucking Big J. Classic Big J. He used to have another one where he would talked about how he. He had to learn karate, but he was poor, so he had to learn karate through a series of household chores around the house. But his only chore was vacuuming the carpet. So we'd vacuum the carpet all day long to practice. He was like, now, when I went to school the next day, I did not kick or punch, but I jerked off eight guys in a row right there.

[Maddie Smith]

That's funny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Silly J. Silly J. Silly J. Love it. Yes. Jay used to write jokes. Benny and the jets in the racist live chat. Jay used to be quite the joke writer. Then he became a storyteller for a while, and then it became a crowd work aficionado. And yeah, that is the progression of Jay. He became lazier and lazier.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

As he progressed, instead of getting a better work ethic and just becoming, you know, the best ever, he just was like, you know what? I'm really good. I don't need to work. You know what?

[Maddie Smith]

I'm gonna sit on the stool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

I'm tired.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm tired. I've been standing for a while.

[Maddie Smith]

All day. All day. 10 minutes set. I'll be sitting on that stool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I mean, genuinely one of the funniest people on the planet. Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Yo Delta for supporting today's show. Love, yodelta.com if you guys like to get high, they have amazing vapes and gummies that get you super duper. I'll tell you right now, guys, I'm taking a little bit of a weed break right now. But this was. If you ever saw me smoking a vape pen. Every single time. It was, yo Delta, because Delta 8, it gets you just as high as regular weed. It's legal everywhere. It can be shipped right to your door. It really is an incredible, incredible product. It comes from the same hemp plant. It's just a little bit of a different molecular structure. That's why it can be sold in most places legally. So if you're over the age of 21 years old and you live in the majority of states where it is legal, just go to yodelta.com, get your order delivered right to your door this holiday season, and use the promo code GAS. When you check out, you're going to save 25 off your order today. All right, where were we? Let's see. So, Shannon, this guy was asked to leave. Tell me the story. What happened here?

[Shannon]

So he's. This happened in the uk and he was in this neighborhood because he was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Before you say that. Can I also say that I do feel when I'm sober, I feel like I'm on about 150 milligrams of Adderall. So I'm on fire right now.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just so you guys know, I'm energy through the walls.

[Maddie Smith]

You're lit. We're kind of watching it.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I like it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You goddamn right.

[Maddie Smith]

This guy lived in the uk. I didn't know that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. That's terrible.

[Maddie Smith]

Everyone's ugly there and they're telling him he. He's ugly.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, it's more offensive in the uk.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Big ass teeth. Oh, you got sitting here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at your face. Your face is grotesque. You got to leave this cafe, mate.

[Maddie Smith]

Been. You got in a fight with a hyena. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, nobody wants to eat at a British restaurant anyway, so he should have been like, okay, okay. Or I guess I'll leave. I don't want to eat these bangers and mash, mate.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, sorry. My face already looks like beef Wellington. Oh, Yorkshire pudding face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shannon, tell me what happened. Give me.

[Shannon]

So he was getting treatment at a local hospital and he was tired of the lunch at the hospital. So he's like, oh, let me walk around and go and grab a bite to eat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, he wasn't tired. His face is a tire. Shannon, you read that wrong. So, thanks, folks.

[Maddie Smith]

Hey, good.

[Shannon]

So he looked at the menu of this local restaurant. He's like, oh, this looks good. So he went up to the front.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, oh, this looks pretty appetizing. Oh, it's a mirror. Never mind. I'm looking at my face.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, I thought that was shepherd's piece.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought I was looking at.

[Maddie Smith]

I thought that was beans on toast. My chin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A pile of blood pudding. But it's my eye. Oh, me.

[Maddie Smith]

It's my eyes. Blood sausage or is in my lips.

[Robbie Bernstein]

This isn't the carving station.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, his head's on this. On the cutting board.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead.

[Shannon]

So he went up to the front to order food and he said that before he was even able to order the food, the staff asked him to leave because they were getting complaints for customers saying that he was scaring them.

[Maddie Smith]

I get it all the time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who would complain?

[Maddie Smith]

All good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy to complain about it. Just an unattractive person.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not fair.

[Maddie Smith]

So la.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not fair.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't know. Do those boils smell? They look like they might smell.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't look. You can't. Doesn't matter if they smell. You can't do anything about it.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I think you can pay in, like, that's what you look.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If he was getting in my public pool, I would. We'd have a conversation. I would maybe contact a lifeguard.

[Maddie Smith]

Right? Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not sharing a body of water with his fucking.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The holes in his body. That's crazy. But this is a restaurant. Just don't look.

[Maddie Smith]

Agreed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So what are you gonna do, Shannon? Let's see. There's an only fan stars going viral right now. I see a lot of people talking about this girl. She made $43 million in a year. Oh, this on only fans.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And she's a virgin. And she's a Christian virgin with quite the body.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Quite the body. Can we see her first?

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Here we go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's cute. Okay. Hello.

[Maddie Smith]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not very Christian ever.

[Maddie Smith]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, yeah, I like it. I like it. I. I don't love it.

[Maddie Smith]

I don't.

[Robbie Bernstein]

$43 million a year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not $43 million a year. Sophie Rain. I mean, she's hot, obviously. She's very hot. Nice, nice. Big fat ass, thick thighs. Love it.

[Maddie Smith]

She's one of them pogs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But she. So here's the thing. Her whole. The whole thing. The marketing on it is she's a Christian virgin. She's 20 years old. That's that. It is just marketing. We don't really know what's going on there. Only knows, I think maybe 6% of what's going on in this girl's life.

[Maddie Smith]

Exactly.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I can't prove this in any, but I think Onlyfans is a big old scam where every once in a while they pump a lot of money into single accounts. They get headlines like that and people are convinced that they should go, oh, 100%.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Honestly, it might not even. I have no idea, like what the Deal is. But like every time I see a.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Fat mom in the New York Post and it goes, this lady's making $300,000 a month on OnlyFans. That means OnlyFans is just depositing that into that count and calling up the New York Post.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, also, I, some, I see this happen a lot. There's sometimes like just whore publicists and that's what they're doing. Right.

[Robbie Bernstein]

So just claiming it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it'll, it'll be like, or maybe it's real or maybe it's not, but it'll just be like, you know, you know, mom quits her her job as a second grade school teacher because her only fans blows up and that'll make it in like the newspaper. But every time that's a paid advertisement in one way or another, whether it's the girls publicist, the girl doing it. If it's only, maybe it's only fans. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And is there anything sadder than like publishing your nudes online and finding out no one cares?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, like that's the problem is there's like an open mic, like stage of being an online whore.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And you're like, well, you don't know that you're making money until you've spread your butthole for no money. You know, I say this all the time about comedy.

[Maddie Smith]

It's like same thing as comedy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't know until you're 10 years in. You don't know if this is going to be your career. Right. Sometimes it happens. People get fast tracked. But most of the time, 99% of the time, it's about a decade before you know if this is going to be an actual career where you could really make money and you have to invest that 10 years leading up to it blindly and just hope that it's going to maybe turn into something. With comedy, it's your whole social life, it's your friends. It's, you know, it's also like a scene and it's kind of fun and romantic and having three roommates in Brooklyn and being poor and not being able to afford anything and going out for drink tickets. That's all part of like kind of a. When I think back, I think of it fondly.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, I'm saying, no, no girl that was spreading her asshole for no money is going. That was a great time.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, the grind. Oh, God, I love that come up. You know what I mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, I, but that's the truth. And I think you don't know until you know.

[Maddie Smith]

Right, True. I mean, I would.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, I guess.

[Maddie Smith]

I can't imagine being in OnlyFans and you're like, not making a lot of money.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You might as well post the butthole. See if you got the golden butthole.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You know, it could be $43. 43. It's the butthole lottery.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, Shannon, is there any more to this story about this girl? She's 20, she's a Christian virgin.

[Shannon]

I have. She said because she was posting the amount of money that she made. So here she posted this showing that it's a 43.

[Louis J. Gomez]

$43 million.

[Maddie Smith]

Insane.

[Shannon]

And then also she posted that there's what? That there's one. Damn it. That there's one particular guy who is like her biggest spender. And she spent. Hold on, I gotta find it. But he.

[Robbie Bernstein]

This one guy called the Saudi Arabian account that owns Only fans.

[Shannon]

It was over $4 million from this one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One guy.

[Shannon]

$4 million?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, that's. That's the only fans bonus account.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Seriously, Just pumping it in.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, there's. Who's spending 4 million. Like, why don't just pay the subscription fee as everyone. Like, what benefits come with the $4 million spend?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, private. Private. So you don't. You're never on Only Fans. Obviously you're showing your ass right now because the way you're talking about it, you're like, like, we'll just get the account. Well, no, no, I never been on them. You tip them and then they send you like personalized shit. Custom shit. You can get private video chats with them. The. The. The. The $9 a month of 10 bucks a month is just a sort of. Or sometimes a lot of these girls do it for free. It's a free only fan subscription. And they don't have their nudes. It'll just be like sexy photos. It'll be like ones that are sort of edited or whatever. And then if you. You can buy their videos, buy their photos, you can. Honestly, a lot of them are just hookers. And you could buy their services too.

[Maddie Smith]

I've heard Stupid question, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people.

[Maddie Smith]

Stupid person. Jk. Stupid question. When they. When you're like, oh, I got access to her videos now. Can you download those or no? Oh, really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So here's the other thing. So people will share in the racist live chat all the time. Karen Fen's like her butthole and vagina and titties and whatnot. Which is. And Karen, in the beginning, she got mad. She Was like, you know, can you tell your people to stop sharing that? And I was like, first of all, if I tell them to stop, they're going to just do it more. The one guy, I said, he called me stupid, literally the whole fucking. I said there's no telling him to stop. But what I told Karen, I was like, karen, you understand the way men work, okay? We see an image, we jerk off to it one time, we're done with it, we will never go back. Once in a maybe you don't really go back to that image, right? If it's, if it's porn, maybe if some shit in your phone, your chick or whatever. But if it's like a porn type thing, I'm not going back to like an image. I now that I'm introduced to her naked body, I'm like, oh, I want to see now. I want to see more. I want variety. I want videos.

[Maddie Smith]

I want.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So it's actually the best thing in the world for the racist live chat to be sharing these photos. That's how. I guess that's how I gaslit Karen to not take out a lawsuit against my company.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, it's exposure. The more people that see your little.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Photos, they're gonna come join 100%, and that's that. And there's way more. The out of the few hundred people that are watching this right now in the racist live chat, what, Maybe, maybe a couple of them you might have had the potential to subscribe for your only fans, but now that they're seeing you naked, I guarantee you she got like a hundred people subscribing because they were like, oh, Karen's hot naked. Let me go subscribe now.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, yeah, carry on, boys.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Do you, do you subscribe to a number of only fans?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe? I, I, I, it's like anything else? Well, no, I, I had it only fans for a while. Got rid of it because my, my ex was like, yeah, you can't be looking at girls and only fans. I'm like, sure, I have no problems. I think got rid of it all together and no. What happened? Can I tell that story? Try to think what I'm allowed to tell. Yeah, I'm allowed to tell. This is. No, it was like early in the relationship, there was, I was subscribed to people's only fans.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, she found out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She found out because there was one girl like I was. This is when me and my chick were like a month or two in our relationship, me and my ex. There was one girl that was subscribed to OnlyFans that I had hooked up with in the past. Like, this is just a girl that I knew that I also happened. She gave me a free subscription. It was a paid thing, but she gave me a free subscription. I happen to have it still. I hadn't looked at it in a while, but I was chatting with that girl just like in DMS one day and I was like, oh, you haven't posted your only fans in a while to your only fans in a while. And she's like, what do you want to see? And I said my. In your mouth. Now I understand why when your girlfriend finds these things now, they will freak out. But it was. It was also like, I wasn't actually like, I wasn't trying to. This chick. Right? I genuinely. I was. It was just like, you're just an. It's an innocuous thing. You're just like, you're poor, taking a.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You're high.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's literally what what it was. It was not. I wasn't like trying to like jerk off to her. It was just a dumb thing for four seconds.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You were excited. So this is what life is about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is what happened? No, no, but so I posted a picture with like my girl. It was like our year anniversary or whatever. And then this girl hit me up and she's like. She's like, oh, it's been a year. She's like, does your girl know that like nine months ago you were. You texted me this and I was like, no. I was like. But like, I didn't even go into the nuance there. I was like, we were long distance. It wasn't even a thing at the time. Wasn't a thing.

[Maddie Smith]

It was fresh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So then that girl reached out to my existence with a screenshot, being like, look what you're fucking. And it became a whole fucking thing. And my girls like, you gotta delete your only fans. And I was like, this is like such a fucking dumb. Like such a stupid fucking thing. I could have bang that anytime I wanted to. It was such a fucking retarded thing. So that's why I deleted my OnlyFans altogether. The entire account.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And why do you think that the onlyfans lady bothered to step into a relationship?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Women are cunts. I'm sorry, Maddie.

[Maddie Smith]

Be looking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's no. No guy would do. Do something like that in a million years. No guy in a million years would ever do something like that. They would never try to ruin a relationship. It wasn't. If I. I could see if I was trying to like hook up with this girl. And I was, like, continuously messaged. It was literally one innocuous comment. Some stupid thing. It was wrong. Obviously. You can't say like that, but it, like, legitimately, like, was like a whole. It was also from. I was like. I told my girl. I was like. I was like. I was like. You were like. Like, we were new. I was like. I didn't even know if we were ever gonna, like, be. We were long distance. We were just, like, seeing each other in different cities. So.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That.

[Maddie Smith]

And you dropped bank on that anniversary dinner.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I really did drop bank on that anniversary dinner. It was a nice dinner.

[Maddie Smith]

Smoking, drinks and stuff like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, guys just don't. Yeah, guys don't. Do.

[Maddie Smith]

They stay out of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We just. I'm not.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I think we're just quicker to take.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The L. It wasn't even like she was taking an L. This girl. This girl wasn't taking it out. It was. It was so bizarre. I was just like, why? Like, what's. What is it? She was like, yeah, girls gotta look out for girls sometimes. That's what she said. I was like, but you're. That's some crazy girls. You're not looking out for girls. You're just.

[Maddie Smith]

She's not a girl because you're paying for her services. Well, I wasn't paying for her service, but she's not. It's, like, different than. In my opinion.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was.

[Maddie Smith]

It was all random girl, then someone. You're.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That situation right there. I mean, that is. That happens. I mean, every girl that. That's not even considered a crazy. That is just a chicken. And they. They hide it under the guise of, like, you know, girls gotta help each other out. We gotta look. But it's not that you're actually just catty fucking bitches and you, like, dropping little bombs in people's lives and walking away from it and having nothing to do with it and be like, bye. You move on.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I guess it's kind of like a prank. Yes, a little prank.

[Maddie Smith]

It's her version of looking through a girl's photos.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

[Maddie Smith]

Sending it to herself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's do some plugs real quick. We are. We're rolling here. I'm assuming Jamie Joss is not making it to the show.

[Shannon]

Shannon still stuck sending me pictures of the crowds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can't hear you over heavy rock music. Generic rock music is actually the exact tone of your voice, so it just blended in. Shannon went, I think you gotta come in here 20 more minutes.

[Maddie Smith]

He's in a cab.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Stop.

[Maddie Smith]

Shannon could Confess to murder at a rock show.

[Shannon]

He's. Can you hear me now?

[Maddie Smith]

Yes.

[Shannon]

He's still stuck.

[Maddie Smith]

Suck.

[Shannon]

He has made no progress.

[Maddie Smith]

How?

[Shannon]

And he sent me a picture.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lazy. Legome says Nah. Lewis is wrong. Paying for girls only fans and messenger while having a girlfriend is simp gay. Shut up. Actual homosexual. Like real deal. Actual guy who sucks penises. You. You little. Ugh. She had a time amount for 15 minutes. He gets 15 minutes for being an actual homosexual. Yeah, that's crazy.

[Maddie Smith]

Pace gay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry. Let's go.

[Maddie Smith]

All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Leaves a lagom. You laughed. You gave me an lol. Fine. You can keep him in. He's got one more chance. Shannon, Maddie, what are you plugging on?

[Maddie Smith]

Hey, what's up, you guys? Matty Smith comedy tickets are now live for a bunch of Wilkins shows. We're coming to Boston, Atlanta, San Diego, dc, Baltimore. Bunch of shows coming up. Everything is live on my website, maddysmithcomedy.com and also gas digital family. Check out Madhouse podcast moving to these studios soon. So we about to have a fucking party hosted with Ali Mae. Check it out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Love it. Robbie the fire.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Beautiful. I just put out a comedy special live from the Denver Comedy Garage. Not an actual place. It's up for free on my YouTube. Please go check that out. And then I got my podcast, run your mouth and some live dates coming soon.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very, very cool. Guys. Come see me on the road. Go to my website, lewis of skanks.com while you're there. By the way, you guys can sign up for my new mailing list. Brand new mailing list on the front page. You guys are going to get. I'm talking about first dibs on all information. Everything, Gas, digital, everything. Skank Fest, I'm giving it to my email list. You guys get the location of Skank Fest, the dates of Skank Fest before anybody else. And I'm also doing a bonus solo podcast, the Lewis Journal Podcast, just for subscribers to this email list. It is just me talking about life, a little bit more of a serious tone. Just talking about everything from fitness to being a good dad and trying to grow and be a better person. So if you guys want to have any of that, go to my website, subscribe to my email list. And it's up over there right now. The email list is on the front page right now. So if you go there, you can just click a button and. But yeah, come see me on the road.

[Maddie Smith]

Road.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This month I'm at the Gramercy Theater December 11th with the regs. That's next week. Then December 12th, I'm at the Dojo of Comedy. Zach Miko's coming with me to those shows, which is pretty sweet. And then I'm in EMS, Pennsylvania, EMS Theater on December 13th with Naim Ali, which is gonna be a blast. Love Naim. He's the man. Creek and Cave, Austin, Texas, December 20th through the 22nd. Doing a depraved on the 22nd with a bunch of my friends down there. And then, yeah, New Year's Eve is sold out. But ne next month I'm starting. I'm sorry. Yeah, next month, next year, 2025, the brand new tour, the Bring 5 Friends tour coming to a city near you. I already have a bunch of tickets up for January. Zany's Rosemont, North Charleston, South Carolina, Naples, Florida. I believe today Ottawa and Montreal are going up for January as well. But I. I'll give you guys some idea. All these, all these are confirmed. Columbus, Winnipeg, Philadelphia, San Diego, Houston, Fort Collins, Long Island, Boston, Kansas City, Portland, Maine, Key West, Arizona, Appleton, Tacoma. I mean these are all coming up next year for this tour. All before I film my next special which is going to be July 12th. Tickets officially up July 12th. Tampa side splitters. My next hour long special. It's gonna be the best one I've ever done. I'm spending the next six months being sober just to work on this special and just to bring you guys the best version of myself. So come out and support that. Get those tickets. It's already selling out, so get them early. Don't wait until, you know, a couple months before because that will sell out very quickly. And yeah, make sure you check out all my other podcasts, the Regs, Story Wars, America's number one game show, and obviously the legendary Le Legion of Skanks. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I will say Benny and the jets in the racist live chat. He does whatever. He has the same tastes as me and women. Every time he posted Naked Chick in the Race live chat, I'm like, that's a great. I was like, who is that? Every time, Shannon P. The latest one, Benny. She's a hot chick with big tits. Is that AI? It might be.

[Maddie Smith]

That's not real.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's AI.

[Maddie Smith]

That is not a real photo. Damn it, Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's great though.

[Maddie Smith]

Send me her at Smarter Child.

[Zach Amico]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

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[Zach Amico]

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[Robbie Bernstein]

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[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Them tits are too, too, too good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They were nice titties. So this is, I think this is crazy. This story said Dear Abby. My wife didn't tell me she was a victim of child rape. Now I want a divorce.

[Maddie Smith]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. I kind of get it.

[Maddie Smith]

He's like, you slut.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I kind of get it. I mean, look, I'm not sure you.

[Maddie Smith]

Got dicked down by your uncle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If your wife gets raped, I mean, how do you like when she's a kid, I'm like, yo, just kill her. I can't deal with this. What am I going to do when.

[Maddie Smith]

She'S a kid that has nothing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right?

[Maddie Smith]

It's a separate okay? If you are with your wife, I'm.

[Louis J. Gomez]

With my wife now. Some guys pull her into a van, she's gone, Right? I'm a killer, bruh. I'm not dealing with, you know, how am I, how am I breaching the sex conversation after this? How long do you wait? How long do you wait to try to approach your wife for consensual sex after she's been brutally gang raped by a bunch of Mexican bikers, might be a year.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I love this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a lot.

[Maddie Smith]

Till you're special. No weed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Maddie Smith]

No.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Your wife, it makes perfect set. Lady you're with, you got your wife, she comes to you, she's like, hey, I got cancer. You're like, well, that's the end of this relationship.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It really is.

[Robbie Bernstein]

What am I supposed to stick around and bring in the hospital?

[Louis J. Gomez]

And that would be. That's what. If my wife got raped today, I would. July 12th, right after my special was like, we could celebrate, right?

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We can celebrate after the special.

[Maddie Smith]

Maybe until then, like get over it, I guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, if she got raped when she was a kid.

[Shannon]

Can I read you the letter?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What'd you say? Oh, please, read the letter.

[Shannon]

Okay. Dear Abby, I have been married 27 years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I have more coffee?

[Shannon]

With two kids. Dom, can you get him a coffee, please? My wife recently.

[Maddie Smith]

Can you make it too?

[Shannon]

And Maddie too, please. My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14, but said it wasn't violent. She also said she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16. We had discussed our prior past. Prior to marriage, and these things weren't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mentioned, so she didn't talk. So he's probably more mad about the other partners that she lied about instead of the.

[Maddie Smith]

She was 15.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What? I mean, what does that mean?

[Maddie Smith]

That means that it's like she said he had adult. She had adult. So it's not really partners. It's like an adult fucking a high schooler.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What do you talking about?

[Maddie Smith]

I'm. I'm saying he. It's not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like she had adult partners when.

[Maddie Smith]

She was in high school.

[Shannon]

Yeah, it says when she was 15.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So the.

[Shannon]

The rape, the official rape was when she was 14, but then she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16. Oh, several adult partners, which is technically rape.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, I understand that.

[Maddie Smith]

That's what I'm saying. So would you get mad?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm just not. I'm not. You want things to be disclosed upfront, right? You don't. I understand if she. It's more like she. If she lied to him. I understand feeling betrayed and I understand being like, well, what else are you lying about? Like, there's like, you have this, like. And I know it's. It's. Maybe it's fucked up, whatever else it is. Well, how did he find out?

[Shannon]

It just said. It just said she recently revealed it to him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She revealed. I mean, she. My takeaway would be that she couldn't live without Being honest to me. Right. I, I've, you know, like that. That's the thing. Like, my takeaway wouldn't be like, I, I. It is years later. They have kids. So there's some nuance here.

[Maddie Smith]

True.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But maybe you're with a guy. You're with a guy, right?

[Maddie Smith]

And then hypothetically.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hypothetically, you're. You're with a guy and he tells you that when he was a teenager, he was sexually assaulted.

[Maddie Smith]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But this is years later, and he. He never mentioned it before, maybe lied about.

[Robbie Bernstein]

He's like, oh, so you're not a real man, Man, Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

I'd be like, men can't get raped. I'd be like, oh, okay, that sucks.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You're saying you couldn't protect yourself against a priest? Get the out of here.

[Maddie Smith]

Seriously.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I need more out of my husband.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All you need is some garlic cloves and a cross. Yeah, those are vampires. Never mind.

[Maddie Smith]

I don't know. I don't know. I'd be like, oh, that sucks. Sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I guess I don't think I.

[Maddie Smith]

Would jump to divorce if I got a kid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not divorcing if you had a kid. But it is a little bit like, yo, why would you tell me this? Now you're. Now I have to deal with it.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Sounds like the guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So instead of her, just. No, no. I know that sounds harsh, but now I feel kind of raped.

[Maddie Smith]

I think she's a thing. I think she's embarrassed. She's probably embarrassed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She should be.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What was she wearing?

[Maddie Smith]

Probably like school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

School girl uniform. She's like a Dora the Explorer T shirt.

[Maddie Smith]

No, no, no. Repo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's the other thing's happened now that I stopped smoking. I have, like, every time I cough, it feels like all of the years of smoke is coming out of it. And I wasn't having that a few days ago while I was smoking.

[Maddie Smith]

Interesting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is interesting. Very interesting.

[Maddie Smith]

Are you up in your workout game too now? If you're not smoking? Is it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. Last night I took a unisom sleep gel because I had trouble sleeping the night before. So last night I took a unisom. And then I woke up this morning and I felt like I was boxing underwater water. Oh, it wasn't good. Okay, so I think it's. You have to choose sleep or exercise. Well, you'll be able to sleep eventually. Yeah, I hope so.

[Maddie Smith]

Without the weed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hope so.

[Maddie Smith]

I think not smoking weed elevates your workout game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, of course it will. It's testosterone as well. That was the other Side of it as well. I. I'm trying to raise my testosterone. I can't wait to go see if my testosterone is not raised after all the I've been doing. When I go back to the doctor. Oh, I'm gonna do nothing about it. I mean, what am I. What am I gonna do? I'm just gonna go. A little beta low tea.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, what is that? What? Why do you want more tea? What's the. What's going on?

[Louis J. Gomez]

To have more energy in the gym. To have.

[Maddie Smith]

Okay, okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

More energy in the bedroom. To overall, you know, build more muscle. To be the best version of myself.

[Maddie Smith]

Stupid question.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I was gonna. And my doctor was like, stop drinking. Stop smoking weed. I'm not gonna put you on testosterone. I'm not prescribing you. And doctor sucks. No, he was good, actually. I appreciated him. I really did. Because I would have. If he would have prescribed it to me, I would be putting needles into my body right now. Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, fair enough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

What about.

[Maddie Smith]

How's your tea?

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't know. I never got it tested.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I think you get your T tested. If you just get a. If you get blood work every year. I think they have that in your. They have it in your chart.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I have health insurance and haven't seen a doctor in about six years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's insane. Robbie, you're getting to an age where you do have to sort. Go to the doctor.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah. Probably would be a good idea.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I'm the same. Are you like. You're a hypochondriac, right?

[Robbie Bernstein]

You said that before. No, I more just don't like bills.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't like bills? You're a Jew.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't like going to a doctor. And then they run some tests. They never have solutions, and they just always send me bills. I don't like them.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Two weeks later.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you have insurance?

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, but whatever. It's just never seems covered. It seems like there's always some other bill.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Stop.

[Maddie Smith]

I'm letting you know there's always. Open the mail.

[Robbie Bernstein]

That's not a bad move.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. Oops, I moved.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I probably should get some basic blood work done. But I say that every year. Maybe this year.

[Maddie Smith]

I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I used to be really paranoid about going to the doctor, and now this. I was. I shouldn't say that because I. What will happen is I'm like, I love the doctor. And then six months will pass. Then I start getting paranoid. Then I convince myself that I have cancer and aids and then the week that I have to go get blood work, I'm freaking the out.

[Robbie Bernstein]

My insurance isn't cheap too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

No, I never go. I've even had like injuries this year. I don't go. I just. You just work it out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel like I gotta use it. If I don't, If I don't. If I don't use my insurance throughout the year, I start to cut myself, I'll throw myself downstairs. Yeah, I'm going to use my.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I don't like doctors.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do your. If you go to the hospital a lot, do your premiums go up like when you get into car accidents?

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, I have no idea.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Not really. Because of. They got rid of the pre existing conditions.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

So for the most part, the insurance companies. Everyone's premiums have gone up because they just changed the system.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's all up.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

These people are terrible. Yeah. I mean, look, that guy, you know, what are you gonna do? He wants a divorce. He's gonna divorce this poor woman. Is she hot? Shannon maybe. She could be in the contest.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah, she probably got fat. That's probably the real story.

[Shannon]

It's Missouri, if that helps too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Oh, we didn't. With Shannon. We didn't plug the. The contest.

[Shannon]

Oh yeah. And the lookalike contest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The lookalike contest isn't really a contest. Look, like contest is if you wanna. If you look like me or Zach or any of the people from the show, send us your image and if we think it's funny, we'll show it on the show. It's not really a contest.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I mean, the contest just sounded more interesting. Yeah, it looks like something. I want to hear what the contest is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I was invited to column Trolls wedding.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I need a date. So we're having a contest for the.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Biggest cunt, the loudest, nastiest lady.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's got to be cool. Should be a great wedding date. We're just calling all women cunts. We're sort of using that as.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I didn't pick up on that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we're using that as sort of like an umbrella. Women, Women.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Like this could be a gorgeous. This could be the love of your life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But this is my grandma. My grandma's a cunt. They're all cunts, right? Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Like sir, she's serving cunt. Who's serving cunt the most? So that Lewis can go to Colin's wedding.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, I'm gonna go to column's wedding. If you want to join the contest, Lewis and Zach gmail.com, a one to two minute video describing why you'd be the perfect date to Colin Turles wedding. Lots of famous comedians gonna be at. The sweating column is a real climber. Yeah. So it's gonna.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, yeah, he's a climber.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

You'll see everyone there. You said Rich Wall.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You'll see.

[Maddie Smith]

You'll see Estee. You'll see Patrick from the stand.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true. So. All right, let's see. We'll do one more story before we get out of here. I gotta go to the regs here in a minute, Shannon, but let me see this little girl throwing a tantrum and trashing the Walmart. That seems fun.

[Robbie Bernstein]

It's your strange child, Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe.

[Shannon]

Good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's see.

[Shannon]

I hit play.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Sure.

[Shannon]

You let me refresh it. Give me one second.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Shannon]

Oh, damn. It was just starting. God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's all right.

[Shannon]

It's freaking out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's all right. Don't worry about it. You're good. You're doing really good here.

[Shannon]

By the way. Jamie has not. Josta has not moved at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

He's stuck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. That was gonna be quite the show today. What a weird, like, mix of people.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like everybody's very different. Everyone's. But it's still fun. We're having a great show, but hopefully Jamie's okay. Got Shannon show me this.

[Robbie Bernstein]

You can find this without her face blurred out.

[Maddie Smith]

Oh, I saw this. It's just throwing everywhere.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And she's doing it like the. Like the lady from. You can find a longer version.

[Shannon]

No, no, it's. It stopped on its own.

[Robbie Bernstein]

She's trashing it like Willy Wonka. Like the. The rich girl.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Violet, was that.

[Maddie Smith]

I. I want a pony. I want to know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, she's a child, so I wouldn't want to show her face anyway, but that's okay.

[Robbie Bernstein]

And then you got to. And you got to get to the. When the white lady starts yelling at everyone to. Oh my God, let her do what.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is this a. Is this a. A black child?

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it's a black. So now white people are. Let her do what she's doing.

[Robbie Bernstein]

Yeah. And then some black guy just picks her up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And nobody knows who. Whose child this is.

[Shannon]

No.

[Maddie Smith]

She be looting the place.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, her hands look white. Anthony Kumia is jerking off to this video right now. He loves this.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, say, look, even as children, you can't teach him.

[Maddie Smith]

Exactly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They said, don't touch her.

[Shannon]

They're saying they don't you don't know what she's going through. Like, give her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who's having a conversation? Security. Oh, whoa.

[Maddie Smith]

Not the sparkling grape juice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa.

[Maddie Smith]

She threw the sparkling.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So. So was there. What is the debate here?

[Maddie Smith]

Where's the parents?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is there a debate that you shouldn't stop her? You don't know what she's going through. You out of your mind?

[Maddie Smith]

I'll be putting her in handcuffs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I would f. I would have speared her into the watermelons. She would have been headed. She's like, yeah.

[Maddie Smith]

Yay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy. I am. I will say I'm blessed. My son happens to be perfect. He really is God.

[Maddie Smith]

Have a good. Gotta have good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's justified. I can count on one hand. I can't even. I can't even remember a single time where he's had a meltdown in public. We're at home.

[Maddie Smith]

Good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Had a tantrum, talked back to me. I mean, he's getting a little, like, snarky now, but it's not even like he talks back. He's being a smart ass.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, he's just. He's trying to be funny. He's, like, being ball busy almost. You know what I'm saying? So. So once in a while he'll say something like, james, I'm your father. What are you doing? He's like, no, I'm just messing around. Like, it's like sort of like that is sort of the energy. But, yeah. He's never once, ever, never publicly cried, never wanted a toy or a candy bar. And I said no. And he was like, I've never told him no.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah, exactly. Hey, Dan, can I have the king size Snickers?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your boy's never been told no. Yeah, that's him. That's him when he was a baby.

[Maddie Smith]

Yeah. And no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, all right. We're gonna wrap it. This is fun. You guys are the man. Thank you guys for being here.

[Maddie Smith]

It's been lit as so fun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I listen. This is a new, energetic, sober Lewis. I feel like I am a little bit sharper.

[Robbie Bernstein]

I like it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel like I'm like a knife coming right through the night. So you guys are the. Please go support Maddie and Robbie the fire and everything that they do. And yeah, we'll be back on Friday with another amazing exclusive episode. We already taped it, so Zach will be here on Friday. And until then, good night.

[Zach Amico]

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