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Zach Amico
Fill her up.
Mike Lawrence
You're listening to the GAS Digital Network.
Zach Amico
Wake up, it's time to go Zach Amico's got a show Animals are here to play Choke some guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join the CRE It's a miko morning too. Well, holy moly, it's a Monday. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zach Amico. And I am thrilled. Why? Because across the table from me are two wonderful, talented, funny gentlemen who I'm very excited to broadcast with from the Boyz cast. It is our good buddy, Ryan Long. How you doing, man?
Ryan Long
Happy to be here in the studio. First time.
Zach Amico
Thank you very much for being here. I appreciate your time greatly. Long time caller and one of my favorite people. I'm so excited he's in town and I really appreciate him taking time out. Mouth, it's Mike Lawrence.
Mike Lawrence
Hey, man, thanks for having me.
Zach Amico
How you doing, dude?
Mike Lawrence
I'm good, how you?
Zach Amico
How's New York been since you've been visiting?
Mike Lawrence
It's nice. My family was here for two weeks, then they left and now I'm in the worst hotel and I love it. I just have like the AC pumped to like 60. I'm making Mr. Freeze puns. There's a human traffic number on the wall.
Zach Amico
I saw that.
Mike Lawrence
Everything I want in a hotel by myself.
Zach Amico
I recently stayed at a La Quinta. It had a microwave on top of the microwave.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
Because one broke and they didn't want to move it.
Ryan Long
Do you guys stay on the tour bus? On the tour?
Zach Amico
On this tour, yes. I've been on the bus. This was a gig. This was a stand up gig at the La Quinta. But I will say the hotel rooms are kind of dicey. The bus is a big upgrade. The only thing is I now I got to plan out my dumps. Yeah. Because every once in a while you wake up and you're on a long stretch of highway and there ain't. Oh, there ain't much. There ain't much. There ain't many options.
Mike Lawrence
And there's no such thing as an amigo anonymous dump.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
You know, it also has tattoos on it and piercings.
Zach Amico
So they were very nice that we have the back of the tour bus, but the bathroom at the absolute back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the couch in the back, but the bathroom I still have to back into like on parallel parking.
Mike Lawrence
Zach does look like Most women I met on a Greyhound.
Ryan Long
Are you the biggest guy on the tour?
Zach Amico
No. Shannon, could you look up Sam Stackhouse? He's not on the bus. He's in the van. But Sam is a. Got a little bit on me. Yeah. Nice. Sam's. But he can move. He does moonsaults and shit and it's impressive. But he is a sizable sizeable boy. Get a full body shot of him.
Ryan Long
There you go. That's a big.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
That's a. That's a. Yeah, it's a big boy.
Ryan Long
Dueling dumps.
Mike Lawrence
That's the worst thing for you because you have no incentive to be healthy.
Zach Amico
Nope, not.
Mike Lawrence
Well, Sam Steich. I mean, if I get fatter, I can do moonsaults. I just need to gain £100.
Zach Amico
I am feeling a little better. So something. I'm working on it. You're cooking? Yeah, it's. Little changes.
Ryan Long
You ever go to the gym with the guys?
Zach Amico
No, not yet. That would be humiliating.
Ryan Long
Three personal trainers.
Zach Amico
That would be humiliating.
Mike Lawrence
Did you know if you died the day after Skaggs fist? They're not. They're waiting till the next one to have your funeral. You realize this, right?
Zach Amico
Yeah. Yeah. They gotta keep me on ice.
Mike Lawrence
It's a lot of ice.
Zach Amico
All right, let's get plugs out of the way. Mr. Long. What do you want people to check.
Ryan Long
Out the boys cast, but I actually just announced a New York show, so. Ryanlongcomedy.com I'm going to do a New York comedy festival. Then I'm doing Tulsa, Appleton, Columbus, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Baltimore, Eugene, New York, Fort Worth, Dallas. On the books.
Zach Amico
RyanLongComedy.com Fantastic. Mr. Lawrence.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. Nerd of Mouth is my podcast on the last podcast network and it's really fun. And my autism is going crazy now because I'm trying to figure out what game this is from.
Zach Amico
It might be Jorge. Is this just generic 8bit music or is this from something? No, it's from Kirby.
Mike Lawrence
All right.
Zach Amico
Hey guys, if you want to see me live, go to Punch up that Live Zach. And you want to bring those dates up for me because I can never remember them in the right order. Bum bum, bum, bum bum. There we go. August 28th, Nashville, Tennessee. August 29th, Pulaski, Tennessee. August 30th, Miami's Burg, Ohio. August 31st, Lexington, Kentucky. All those with my good buddy and one handed comedian J. Wall. Very, very fun guy. Very, very funny. And hey, if you like the show, go to gas digital.com use the promo code ZOO Z O O. Get yourself a Little bit of money off your subscription. Get episodes early at early A.D. free and uncensored. Get access to the live chat and you get access to the archives. Thousands episodes of all your favorite gas digital programs. All right, let's keep the fun going. All right.
Ryan Long
They actually set up right across from my house. There's an arcade now. And I've been randomly, like, on my way home, just stopping in for like, half hour, play pinball and Pac man by myself.
Zach Amico
Yeah, that's a pretty fun way to live.
Ryan Long
It's not bad.
Zach Amico
It's pretty fucking fun.
Ryan Long
I was getting pretty good at Pac Man.
Zach Amico
There's a few. Jim Jeffries collects pinball machines.
Ryan Long
Oh, really?
Zach Amico
And he's got some bangers.
Ryan Long
Sure.
Zach Amico
Yeah. There's an Evil Dead machine that just came out that I really, really like. He's got that wizard of Oz machine. That's incredible. I don't know if you ever seen that.
Mike Lawrence
The creek used to have that.
Zach Amico
Yes.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. The. I mean, to me, Adam's family and is the one that I saw the most as a kid. That one I would want to have.
Zach Amico
Did you ever play the Uncle Fester thing where it electrocutes you? No, it was a thing where it was like Uncle Fester with the light bulb in his mouth.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
And it would be two metal rods that vibrated and you had to hold on to it and they would hurt your hands. Shannon, can you look that up? It was. Fuck. And they had it, like, down the shore everywhere. And that was like my most. That. That. Yeah, there it is. And you had to hold onto those two rods and it would. They would. They would pulse it. Yeah. They zap.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. That's what got you into comedy.
Zach Amico
Yep. That'll do it.
Mike Lawrence
I want to be that. But on stage.
Zach Amico
I have a friend who's a dunk tank clown and he asked me about it.
Ryan Long
Really?
Zach Amico
He asked me because he's. He's great. Like, he can talk shit all day.
Ryan Long
I didn't know that there was, like, a guy that. That's his job. I would just think, like, he's a car.
Zach Amico
He's a carny in general. But, like, that's his specialty.
Ryan Long
I know I have a body that. He was like a roadie for bands. And he was also a carny. And it was like, this guy was a. I've never seen anyone drunk or, like 12 beers in by noon. And he was in charge of, like, the safety of the roller coaster. He's like, stay away from anything.
Zach Amico
Have you guys ever read the. The how to Become a Geek thing?
Ryan Long
What's that? Bites the heads off the chicken.
Zach Amico
Guy that bites the head off a chicken.
Mike Lawrence
Oh, I was going to say, make sure that your mom smokes while she's pregnant and don't get an autism diagnosis, but sure. That's how it happened for me.
Zach Amico
It's the guy that would bite the head off a chicken, right?
Ryan Long
Yeah.
Zach Amico
They said if you needed a new geek, what you did was you found a severe alcoholic and you said to him, hey, listen, we're gonna give you a place to stay. We'll feed you three times a day, and you get a bottle of booze every day. You don't gotta really eat the fucking head off the chicken. What you're gonna do is we're gonna toss you dead chicken. Just pretend. Don't even get it in your mouth. Just pretend and let him get comfortable. Give him two weeks bottle of booze every day and then go, hey, listen, the people are complaining you got to start biting the chicken. And he's so worried he's gonna lose his alcohol at his place to sleep, he's gonna start biting the chicken. And after about another two weeks, you go, hey, listen, you gotta start eating the head on that chicken. And by God, you got yourself another geek. All right, let's do a story. All right. This scares the living shit out of me. Long Island MAN killed in freak MRI accident. Did you catch this?
Ryan Long
No. Long island man.
Zach Amico
This is fucking bothersome to me. It's as final destination as possible. A guy.
Mike Lawrence
I barely fit in the machine. So how do you. Be honest? How do you fit in the mri?
Zach Amico
I don't. I had to go get it. I had to go get an open one.
Mike Lawrence
Okay.
Zach Amico
Yeah, No, I didn't. I was praying I didn't have to go to the zoo.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. And all the animals like are like, oh, man, I haven't seen one of these. They crowd around.
Zach Amico
Yeah. It's like when they took Damian to the zoo. Oh, man, we got competition. So is a guy actually was not supposed to be in the MRI room. And bro. And just walked in and had Shannon might get. Tell me if I got this right. Was wearing a metal necklace.
Shannon
Yeah. So he was wearing. It says like a 20 pound. It's not like a necklace. He said he was wearing a 20 pound metal chain. And I think it was something that he used to work out. And it also had a padlock on it. And so it said that he was in the room because his wife was in there. And he would normally. Whenever she got this done, he would help to walk her Out. But he went in and the machine turned on and. And it sucked him towards it with the. The chain. And he. What he died from though, which isn't as gruesome is he had multiple heart attacks and then died.
Zach Amico
Oh great.
Ryan Long
In the MRI machine.
Shannon
Well attached to it because it like pulled him.
Zach Amico
So they're super magnetic to the point where like if there's a wheelchair. I was just reading this. If there's a wheelchair in the room.
Mike Lawrence
You know, this is how Magneto would defeat Colossus.
Zach Amico
They cut it and have an ad mantium skeleton. Yeah, like if there's a wheelchair in the room, it can suck. It's so powerful that the wheelchair will fly across the room. So this poor. By the way, I don't think you need to wear your 20 pound weightlifting chain into the hospital with your wife. I think you're kind of chain goes everywhere. Yeah, she goes everywhere he does. Well, I guess they're going to bury.
Ryan Long
It inside the suit of the funeral.
Zach Amico
I assume that broke his neck, but yeah.
Ryan Long
That's a picture of this guy. Do we have one?
Zach Amico
I think we could all imagine a guy from Long island who wears a 20 pound weightlifting chain into the MRI room.
Ryan Long
They do open casket with the chain on.
Zach Amico
No, they're going to wrap it around the casket to make sure he doesn't come back. All right. Keeping it moving. I have Coldplay things fucking played out already. I gave that to Shannon Day. It happened. I love that stadium.
Mike Lawrence
Now I, it's, it's, it's a victimless crime. Like, because even like the Luigi thing, people took it too far and made it less fun. Sure. Like even like the first day, we're like, yeah, it's gotta keep happening. And I'm like, can I just celebrate the death of a CEO? Like not feel bad. But then this, this one is great. Like I, and I know you just said we're not gonna.
Zach Amico
No, no, I'm pleased.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. I love it, man. Because it's just like. It's as close to a victimless crime as you can get. It's the worst fucking band. So it's fun on that level. The fact that it's age appropriate is something that nobody's bringing up. Which is kind of amazing. Which we would have to be. Cause you're not bringing a 22 year old to a Coldplay concert. But it's like a woman that's close to that guy's age, like there's just. The world needs stories like this every once in a while. Like this is doing for me What Princess Diane's Death did in 1997. That was my first week of high school. I was very uncomfortable and picked on. And I'm like, man, I just need something to connect me to other people. And she died. And I had a bunch of friends. Cause we all laughed about it.
Zach Amico
Mike and I actually met outside the cake shop at a open mic. And we met because we met.
Mike Lawrence
There's a venue called the Cake Shop.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Not a genuine cake shop, which does.
Mike Lawrence
Sound like how we would meet.
Zach Amico
We both reached for the same cake and then look up at each other.
Mike Lawrence
I mean, even your music was Kirby, you cream puff.
Zach Amico
And we were making Chris Benoit joke. It was the day Kurt Angle got arrested for stalking Rocket Khan.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
And that was that. That was my first ever open mic. And that was how I met Mr. Lawrence here.
Mike Lawrence
Making Chris Benoit jokes.
Zach Amico
Benoit jokes.
Mike Lawrence
You could talk about all the families he tore apart, but think of the two people he brought together with zero exercise equipment.
Zach Amico
My favorite thing about the CEO with the Coldplay thing is they could have just not freaked out.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
No one would have said a boo.
Ryan Long
Sure.
Zach Amico
No one would know who that is.
Mike Lawrence
And have you seen the. The. The. The. The woman who filmed them?
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Hawk to a junior. Like, it's amazing because, like, you know, that. That. That woman's just wanted to be famous in any way possible. And these two people gave it to.
Zach Amico
Her in the most hilarious. Like watching his.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, I mean, that's.
Zach Amico
Watching his life crumble in hours. In real time. Like the wife taking his name off her LinkedIn. Beautiful. And now it's just fire. Everyone agrees how funny it is. The. Have you seen this? They do the Coldplay cam at stadiums right now, right?
Ryan Long
Yeah, yeah, I've seen.
Zach Amico
It's so fucking. Dude. The fucking Philadelphia fanatics freaking out when he gets caught. I fucking love every part of it.
Mike Lawrence
Well, it's. It's crazy because, like, the kiss cam is uncomfortable to begin with.
Zach Amico
Yes.
Mike Lawrence
They're always. Especially, like, at a baseball game where the woman already doesn't want to be there.
Ryan Long
Sure.
Mike Lawrence
And the guy's like, but we gotta do it. And she's like, fucking. I guess.
Zach Amico
Yeah. There's a reason they don't do the kiss cam at wrestling.
Mike Lawrence
No.
Ryan Long
It's always nice when you see a guy that's friend zoned where he's there with the girl, goes for the kiss, and then she goes for the kiss beside. Person beside.
Zach Amico
Yep.
Ryan Long
The compilations of those are incredible.
Zach Amico
Yeah, here's. Here's the. For that. This really fucking. Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Either they're having an affair or they're just very shy.
Zach Amico
I mean, technically that's incest, though that's worse than an affair.
Mike Lawrence
And let's just, you know, that, that, that, that guy's wife took herself off, you know, LinkedIn and changed her last name and everything. Let us take a moment to give so much credit to Camille Cosby. A real one.
Zach Amico
Someone who's by her still together.
Mike Lawrence
I'm the 61st victim.
Zach Amico
Is she a victim? Is it like a Bill and Hillary thing where it's like we have an understanding?
Ryan Long
She's in on it. Yeah, yeah.
Zach Amico
Like, listen, we. I got a lot coming to me. I ain't getting off this fucking money train.
Mike Lawrence
Yes.
Zach Amico
No matter where it's going.
Mike Lawrence
She has put a bow on top of several women's heads and said, I got a present for you, Bill.
Zach Amico
Book of lullabies.
Mike Lawrence
And now because of that, we're never Getting Leonard Part 7.
Zach Amico
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Ryan Long
No, it is.
Zach Amico
So the Annabelle doll, the movie. The conjuring movies have the Annabelle doll that is based off a real doll. It's a raggedy Ann doll and it was in the possession of the Warrens, who were grifters, ghost hunt, fake ghost hunters, and they had a museum of all the shit from the haunted houses they supposedly exercised. And this Annabelle doll has been behind glass in this museum for decades. The Warrens have died. The kids gave up the museum. So now this ghost hunter guy takes the Annabelle doll out on tour and immediately dies. Stop in his hotel room. Shannon, give us some updates.
Shannon
Okay, so we're still waiting on the autopsy results, but they have said that the Annabelle doll. There is a rumor that she is currently missing. That when paramedics arrived in the room that the doll was not there. And he's the one that's supposed to be taking care of it and like monitoring its whereabouts. And it. They don't know where it is right now, but I will say that they are continuing on with the tour. So this could just be like a cheap way.
Zach Amico
Yeah, sounds like. Yeah, that just does sound like more ghost hunter horseshit.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, it feels like ghost hunters like they've had like thousands of episodes of these shows. There should be just one episode with a ghost and you found a single ghost.
Zach Amico
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I agree. It's mostly they. They string you along and then you. But I fall for it every time.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
I'm a sucker.
Ryan Long
This might be the episode where we find the sucker.
Zach Amico
I'm a fucking moron. I fucking love every single part of it.
Mike Lawrence
Zach's also the guy who's fucking pissed at the end of every Scooby Doo.
Zach Amico
The Annabelle doll in particular, I think is pretty freaky because just the amount of lore around it and then. Yeah. And it's just creepy looking. It's so much scarier than the purposefully scary doll they use in the movies.
Mike Lawrence
Well, it's also I think because Raggedy and is copyrighted. Right. So they probably had to make this animal thing.
Zach Amico
Yeah, but. And then honestly, 54 year old ghost hunter, I bet he didn't have the best exercise and diet routine. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say I know what those late night meals were like.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Ryan Long
Is he the most famous ghost hunter?
Zach Amico
He was. I think he was up there.
Mike Lawrence
And now he's not even the most famous ghost.
Zach Amico
He wasn't. Doesn't look like he was in terrible shape. Just like a dude.
Ryan Long
Yeah, I know. That guy doesn't look like he should be dying.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. But he does look like he's holding in a fart because he thinks a fart is a ghost escaping your asshole.
Ryan Long
Is it not?
Zach Amico
I did a paranormal convention once.
Ryan Long
How's that?
Mike Lawrence
It was fucking awful. Part of that sentence was once.
Zach Amico
Yeah, it Was years and years ago and it was some actress was supposed to be one of the guests and she dropped out last minute. And I just got like a call like, hey, can you come to this shitty town next week? And I showed up and I didn't know I was supposed to have anything prepared. Yeah. So I just got there and they're like, you're speaking at three. And I'm like, about what? They're like crowd work ghosts. And I was like, I'm like, how long am I doing? They go 45.
Ryan Long
45 on ghosts.
Zach Amico
So I just vamped. What's that? I just made up shit. I just went up and I talked for 45 minutes.
Mike Lawrence
And he was the only person to make up stuff at the paranormal convention and admit.
Zach Amico
Was mostly different teams and they would have like their recording equipment and they like you would go to their booth and they would like play you sounds and be like, this is what we recorded at this haunted spot.
Ryan Long
So it's mostly people like playing spooky sounds that they've recorded that and a.
Zach Amico
Lot of ladies selling like stones and crystals and a lot of.
Ryan Long
Yeah, just here's my creaky sounds.
Zach Amico
Yeah, dude.
Mike Lawrence
I did the, the 311 cruise.
Zach Amico
Nice.
Mike Lawrence
I was the last minute replacement for Tony Hinchcliffe because it was the week of Brody Stevens funeral and it was. Talk about a place where you hope they're all ghosts now. It, it was the. One of the weirdest things because they were my least favorite band in high school. I found out after the, the cruise that the bassist Peanut booked me and the reason he booked me is because he wants to be able to make fun of his fans, but he can't. But he knew that I would and of course I did that. He was like, I don't, I didn't want to tell you because you know, you might have like reined it in or whatever. He's like, I wanted you to just unload on them and. Yeah, I would. It was. Yeah, I did.
Zach Amico
That's awesome.
Ryan Long
Dude, that man got like huger after. They haven't had a hit in 10 years.
Mike Lawrence
Oh, dude. There was a person that had a sign that said, this is my 311th 3 11.
Zach Amico
That's too many.
Ryan Long
Yeah, a lot of down.
Zach Amico
Yeah, that's a lot.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, it was, it was crazy like because the, the most fun part of that cruise was talking to the people that they do all those like celebrity cruises and they were telling me about one of the deaths that happened. There was an EDM cruise and someone jumped off the boat. And they never found them because they were so fucking drugged up and hearing, like this rave music.
Zach Amico
I feel like, because we talked about this recently on the show, there's a lot, like, cruises have morgues.
Ryan Long
A lot of people die on them.
Zach Amico
I mean, think about the amount of old people that go on cruises.
Ryan Long
You got to put them somewhere.
Zach Amico
Yeah. I mean, we just talked about. So I apologize. But there's a rumor that if your cruise has an ice cream party, it's because the morgue was full and they had to put a body in the free regular freezer and they had to clear out the freezer. So if there's a. If there's an unscheduled ice cream. Ice cream social, it's because they had to stuff a body in the regular freezer.
Mike Lawrence
And the thing they never tell you about those cruises, which is the best part, is that they still have half the people that are on there. Not for the party cruise. They're just ready. Some people are just there and like, Norwegian cruise customers. Yeah, yeah. And then the 311 fans. It's like, if I wanted to see my kids, I'd say still be talking to them.
Zach Amico
There's horror cons like that too, where, like, it'll. Or I have friends that do, like, fat people parties. What the fuck? Like, fat fuck adventures.
Ryan Long
What is that?
Zach Amico
Like, fat? Like, so it's just like a party.
Ryan Long
And then you have to be fat to come.
Zach Amico
There's gay ones. There's like bear conventions, and then there's like, ones for guys who like big fat chicks. But then there'll just be other people.
Mike Lawrence
The only thing being more stretched than the pants in that scenario is the word adventure.
Zach Amico
And I was telling. My buddy just went on one in Vegas convention. No, he went to a fat. A gay bear convention convention. And the elevator had a sign that said, this elevator has a 1200 pound weight limit. Please plan accordingly. And one accessibility vehicle at a time, please.
Ryan Long
There was like. I think it was two different places. There was one in Australia. It might have been Houston, but they have, like, a big legal battle right now because they have a big bear convention. And then the team that's also named the Houston Bears, and. And they're like, the local football team is in, like, a trademark battle with this, like, gay bears. And then people are going to the gay bear convention accidentally.
Mike Lawrence
You should see what their Oilers look like.
Ryan Long
Just imagine a guy going and like, show up to the bear. Yeah, I'll check the bears play and show up like, what the fuck?
Mike Lawrence
Yes, I'm only here because that convention was closed this week.
Zach Amico
Oh, man, I'm dying. We could have used more Astros last night.
Mike Lawrence
Ask the Astro.
Zach Amico
When I did that ghost convention, I went out drinking with some of the ghost guys, and all their stories sucked. Every story. But they would play it up like, this is my big. And then it would always just have an ending of like. And then it wasn't a ghost.
Ryan Long
Yeah, but we were this close.
Zach Amico
And my favorite was about the hotel we were in because they. They kept saying, oh, this is like a spooky hotel. You know, there's a lot. We get called here a lot. And this one guy, he had like three teeth, and he had his ghost a lot, actually. And he's like, man, I got called here once, man, these fucking. Fucking couples staying here, right? And guys out on business. Wife's home. Wife calls him. The fucking walls is bleeding. And I say, oh, shit. Some Amityville horror, right? And I get. I get all my equipment, you know, we go up, I go in. There's like, God damn blood coming out the walls. And I go, fuck, we got one. We got one. Turns out, big old Coon, man. He got up in the ceiling. I don't know if y' all know. If y' all know this. When a raccoon dies, the stomach expands and they can't explode. And what happened? Gycoon got up there, man, and that fucking thing rotted and exploded. And that motherfucker was bleeding out the walls.
Mike Lawrence
I did not think he was talking about raccoon when he said that word. That was the twist in the story. It was an actual raccoon.
Ryan Long
Is it all white trash dudes? No. Gangster ghost hunters?
Mike Lawrence
No. When I kill them, they stay dead.
Ryan Long
It's a measure. White activity.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Oh, boy, was it. Yeah, it is.
Zach Amico
Oh, boy, was it.
Mike Lawrence
I sold 18 by black people at Orion Long Show.
Zach Amico
I sold 18 by 10 the whole weekend. And it was to a deaf woman who did not know who I was, but just wanted to buy something. And then as she turned around, my wife went, did you tell her about your podcast? And that summed up, I made $10 that weekend.
Mike Lawrence
And now she listens to the podcast. Like that woman in Howard Sturge.
Zach Amico
Oh, yeah.
Mike Lawrence
She sits on the street.
Zach Amico
She sits on a giant speaker. He said, coon again. All right.
Ryan Long
Keep Zachary part of so many wacky communities.
Mike Lawrence
I know this is like the most normal group of people you're a part of.
Zach Amico
Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are. These are my. This is my safe space.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
All right.
Mike Lawrence
We Grift people, and we know it.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Okay, I like this one. Let's take a look at this man who was arrested on a lewdness charge. I sent this one to Shannon the other day because it tickled me.
Shannon
There you go. This is a picture.
Zach Amico
And can we guess his crime?
Shannon
Yeah. And then if you want to take a stab at his name, too, his name is a fun part of it.
Ryan Long
I think. He pulled the pants down, put his head between his legs, yelled peekaboo at a school.
Zach Amico
Okay, Mr. Lawrence, a guess.
Mike Lawrence
I mean, I just love that we've never seen, like, a non rich person with Trump's hair. I'm gonna guess that sort of the.
Ryan Long
90S undercut as well, right?
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, I'm. I'm gonna guess it has something to do with raccoons.
Zach Amico
I literally just sent it to Shannon without reading it because I wanted to do it on the show. The hair has me believing in something with children.
Ryan Long
Seems like it.
Zach Amico
It's got a grease, but also the face.
Ryan Long
Right. Like, he's like, oops, sorry, that.
Zach Amico
Yeah, it is. He's like, I've been a bad little boy. Exactly. It's either that or he's been eating too many Skittles, Peaches and cream.
Mike Lawrence
It's weird to see someone not see Buscemi have Steve Buscemi eyes and handing out pacifiers.
Zach Amico
Yeah, he looks like he wishes he was the voice of a cartoon parakeet. I'm gonna go something with kids. Maybe exposing himself in a school zone.
Mike Lawrence
I'm gonna say something with animals.
Ryan Long
Animals. Interesting. No, I think it's kids as well.
Mike Lawrence
I think you say kid animals.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Shannon.
Shannon
Okay, so first of all, his name is Princess King.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Oh, good.
Shannon
Also goes by the names Gar Kerbal and Dai Ling.
Zach Amico
Dialing.
Shannon
Maybe it's Daisy.
Mike Lawrence
How long are you going to pretend that you don't know this guy?
Zach Amico
No, I know his friend Diarrhea.
Shannon
So he reportedly exposed himself to beachgoers, including masturbating in front of women on public and private beaches.
Zach Amico
Okay.
Ryan Long
Any children there?
Zach Amico
Princess King.
Shannon
It doesn't mention kids specifically.
Mike Lawrence
I like public and private. He's a man of both people.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Yeah. He's not fancy.
Mike Lawrence
Everyone should see my dick, not just the richies.
Zach Amico
The funny thing is, the cops had to ask his name.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
Sir name? Princess.
Mike Lawrence
Princess King.
Zach Amico
Is that his legal name or just the name he's given? Shannon.
Shannon
I know it. It lists him as Princess King, 50 years old, and then it just says what his aliases are.
Zach Amico
And what were they again?
Shannon
Gar Kerbel and Dai Ling.
Zach Amico
That's his Asian Persona.
Shannon
I don't think any of those are his real names.
Zach Amico
Okay. All right.
Ryan Long
Spank God.
Zach Amico
Teen finds out Anonymous Internet bully and I actually, we put this on because it reminded me so much of a.
Mike Lawrence
By the way, the end of that story was as disappointing as seeing that guy on the beach.
Zach Amico
We had this story because it reminds me of a story Mike has told. Teen finds out Anonymous Internet bully is actually her mother.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah.
Ryan Long
There's been a couple of these, by the way.
Mike Lawrence
I used to do this. It was a true bit where AOL Instant Messenger. I was talking to this girl and she was all flirty with me and everything. And then she's like, asking for my dad's credit card numbers and all this shit. And it was my brother the whole time. Yeah.
Ryan Long
Why'd your brother. Did you have the access to the credit card numbers?
Mike Lawrence
No, but he's like, go get them, you know, I'm sure your father isn't looking. Yeah, but it was. It was this thing of like, we weren't close, but everything he said is what I wanted to hear somebody say.
Zach Amico
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Ryan Long
We used to catfish our boys back in the day. We had a bunch of fake profiles that we messaged our boys. Julie Schuller, remember? That was one of the names. We had one of our buddies going.
Zach Amico
For a While it was either my junior or senior high school.
Mike Lawrence
This was Dia Ling.
Zach Amico
It was either junior or senior year of high school. There was a girl who, like, wasn't gross, but just wasn't, like, didn't have a big personality, like, real background character. And.
Mike Lawrence
You know, somehow that's the ruthless, meanest thing I've ever heard you say about anybody. And you decisively beat me in a roast battle.
Zach Amico
Just a dot. Just.
Ryan Long
Is it real bad?
Zach Amico
Nothing wrong with her. Yeah, nothing wrong with her.
Ryan Long
Person number nine.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Just quiet.
Mike Lawrence
Let's just say she's in the movie, but she ain't on the call sheet.
Ryan Long
Yeah, Silent. A bit of a silent on camera.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. She's not getting the SAG speaking bonus.
Zach Amico
Just quiet. And it came out that she had a second MySpace where she was pretending to be one of the rich, popular girls. And she had a whole, like, webpage for it and all this entire, like, Persona. And she would, like, post pictures of, like, all the hot girls and be like, I'm in there somewhere. Lol. And I remember she named her fake name was Sexy Lexi.
Ryan Long
Sure.
Zach Amico
And I recently got invited to my 20 year high school reunion and one of my first thoughts was, I don't think Sexy Lexi is going to be there. Yeah. Because I'm trying to figure out if I want to go. I don't think I do.
Ryan Long
Where is it again?
Zach Amico
Jersey.
Ryan Long
I don't think I want to donate 20 years. Yeah, it's friends with any of the guys still.
Zach Amico
I went to Weird out with my best friend Allie and her fiance, New York.
Ryan Long
He just did that msg.
Zach Amico
Yeah, it was a good fudgeing. Awesome.
Mike Lawrence
You have no reason. I mean, like, you are a genuine success story. And I'm sure whatever weird, awkward kid you were in high school, you have become the coolest version of that as an adult. And you're not gonna get the victory that you want.
Zach Amico
I don't think I'm gonna get anything I want out of it. All that's gonna happen is I'm going to emotionally regress. Sure.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
And feel weird and awkward. Like, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna get anything I want out of it. And I'm gonna just, like, be mad at.
Mike Lawrence
Shit, dude. I remember mine. We had like a Facebook page for it. And I was like, I won't be there, but if you'd like to see me, I'll be on Comedy Central this weekend. Because I was bullied and I was ostracized and everyone was like, that's great. We always believed in you. I'm like, no, this is a spite post. I'm mad at you. They were all supportive and happy. I'm like, no, fuck you.
Zach Amico
Yeah. And it's just like, it's gonna be one of those things where, like, there's shit I haven't let go of that no one's gonna have any idea of.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
And I'm gonna be the asshole.
Ryan Long
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just rude. You're just rude for no reason. It comes across venomous.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Ryan Long
I think you're the bitter guy.
Zach Amico
I'm gonna really Liz Lemon it up. Like, I'm gonna fucking talk about that. Yeah, it's gonna be shit that I can't let go of that. No one even remembers cornering a guy in the bathroom.
Ryan Long
Well, well, well, Clark Michaels.
Zach Amico
Well, if I corner a guy in a bathroom, it's a little different. It's gonna be a thank you.
Mike Lawrence
And now. And now we have Zakamiko, who was voted most likely to be at a paranormal convention. Most likely to be a Juggalo championship wrestling commentator.
Zach Amico
Yep, Lived up to it. All right, Shannon, tell us about this girl whose Internet bully was her mom.
Shannon
Okay, so this girl, she's 14 years old from Michigan. And so her and her boyfriend were the target of this. And both of them. And they don't really. They're not specific about what the content of the messages were, but say that she was harassed for over a year, sometimes dozens per day. That there were over 300 messages that she was getting. So she confided in her mother, the mother contacted the school, and since they. This didn't happen on school grounds, they had to involve the sheriff's office. And so they eventually looked into it and found out it was the 42 year old mother. And this is her, by the way, just so you can see what she looks like at 42 years old. And so they found out that it was her.
Zach Amico
She's her.
Mike Lawrence
She looks like one of the people that gets murdered in Clue.
Zach Amico
She looks so disappointed in her daughter.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, she looks like she just found her husband at a Coldplay concert.
Zach Amico
She really. That looks like a miserable, miserable cunt of a woman.
Mike Lawrence
That is so that, you know, that photographer is like, we will retake the picture. And she's like, fine as is.
Shannon
So we don't know the motive behind it. Because I was.
Ryan Long
Jealousy.
Shannon
Yeah. I was looking for maybe for her to be like, oh, I was trying to like, teach him, teach her a lesson or something.
Mike Lawrence
But I was trying to do something meaner. Than giving that girl my face.
Shannon
So they charged her or she pled guilty to two. Two counts of stalking a minor and was sentenced to 19 months to five years in prison. And it says to this date, no motive for the abuse has been.
Zach Amico
Do they take the daughter away, though it doesn't know.
Ryan Long
She goes to prison with her.
Mike Lawrence
Did you see that? It was a great movie with Patton Oswald. I think it's called I love you, dad or I love my dad. No, I don't think it's phenomenal. Where it's. It's this, this. This guy has a son and the son has been, like, rejected a lot. And Pat Oswalt create. He's the dad and he create. Oh, he. Oh, yeah, the kid takes him off. Takes him off all of his Facebook pages and stuff. Okay, now, yes. He creates a profile of a girl and the guy falls in love with that profile. The son falls in love with it, and it's the dad writing everything.
Zach Amico
Yeah, I have. I.
Mike Lawrence
And it was based on a true story that the guy who starred and directed it, like, went through.
Zach Amico
Again. I think I would feel very betrayed and I would be like, I jerked off to my dad. It wasn't him, but it was his words.
Mike Lawrence
Well, let me just say, as someone who lost their dad two years ago, the first thing I thought when he passed was, I wish I would have jerked off with him. So if you still can, you might as well.
Zach Amico
I would get a double happy end. I would go to a massage parlor with my dad, holding hands and going, oh, have to.
Mike Lawrence
This is.
Zach Amico
This.
Mike Lawrence
This is the most used story that you would love, which is that. I don't know if you remember this, but Dan St. Germain's mom passed away the day before my dad died. And it's. Which is so funny because I was the. You know, I was the second one. So of course he's like, you stole my fucking bit. But this was amazing. Was. So that weekend, he sent me ice cream through doordash. And the next day was his mom's funeral and he ordered himself Taco Bell, but he forgot to change the address. So I got his post funeral Taco Bell order. And it's like when you know someone too well, like, we'll never be the same again. Cause I've seen him naked in a way that you can't unsee.
Zach Amico
Oh, yeah, you've seen his grief Taco Bell order. Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
I was like, they have shit that I didn't know existed. They'll make ramen for you if you're sad enough. There were eight items. And I remember my wife was with me, too, and we just. It was like the bag wouldn't stop. It was like that. That. That. That Coolio music video where everyone keeps getting out of the backseat of the car. It's like, when does this end?
Zach Amico
Dude? That is so emotionally devastating. By the way. I wouldn't want someone getting my happy Taco Bell.
Mike Lawrence
I know.
Zach Amico
Like, my everything's going good, much less my mom's death Taco Bell order. Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Everything about this order said, I'll see you soon, Mom. I'm coming to Georgia.
Zach Amico
Do you think they try to find, like, inspiring sauce packets to. It'll be okay. Hey. Hey. We really thank God we printed 100. Sorry, Dan's. Yeah, Sorry. Sorry, Dan. Mild.
Mike Lawrence
You may have a dead mile, but you could still live moss.
Zach Amico
Dead mom, live ma. That is fucking horrendous. That is so fucking. And it's.
Mike Lawrence
By the way, I'll show you the picture after I.
Zach Amico
It is. It is also double funny because it happened because he was being nice to you.
Mike Lawrence
I know.
Zach Amico
Is because he was kind of a.
Mike Lawrence
Terrible person for telling us.
Zach Amico
Oh, no, no. I would want everyone to know that. Yeah. Yeah, I would. It's so funny. He was being so kind.
Mike Lawrence
It was very sweet. Yeah.
Zach Amico
And then it. That it resulted in such embarrassment. Mean Taco Bell. What. What would you say is the best grief food order? I would say, like, soul food. Maybe Boston Market, because that's like, almost like a family meal.
Ryan Long
I think that you want to get the.
Mike Lawrence
I don't have a family anymore.
Ryan Long
Wendy's. You want to get some Frosties in there?
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Ryan Long
Ice cream. You want to get in the mix? Fast food ice cream and that whole.
Mike Lawrence
Business is based around a dead parent.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Ryan Long
There you go.
Zach Amico
Remember, Remember.
Mike Lawrence
Remember when they started using the real Wendy?
Ryan Long
Yeah. Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
It was the gross one.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
It's like, my father wasn't looking great. Yeah.
Ryan Long
I think they did that for, like, a couple weeks. And they were just like. All right, we're back to the cartoon.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. People don't. People don't want to look at someone who eats Wendy's.
Zach Amico
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mike Lawrence
That's the Annabelle doll.
Zach Amico
And the fucked up thing with. Well, for Wendy's. With. That is because Wendy's subliminally makes you think of the word mom with their logo. Do you know. You know I'm talking about. Bring up the Wendy's logo. Wendy's has the word mom subliminally in the logo.
Mike Lawrence
Like how Matt Groening signs his name.
Zach Amico
In Homer's their hair. Yeah, exactly like that.
Shannon
I'm not sure which one to show. Is it this one?
Zach Amico
No, it's the. The bigger. It's just Wendy. Yep. There you go. See? Oh, yeah, yeah. See the. The mom. Yeah.
Ryan Long
It's never worked on.
Mike Lawrence
So people with Oedipal issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Zach Amico
That and Colonel Sanders tie is a stick figure body.
Ryan Long
Pull the Colonel Sanders up.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. Did you know if you want to fuck your mom, you prefer square hamburgers?
Zach Amico
I'm pretty sure I got this one right. With the Colonel. There's a bunch. Yep. See, it's a little arm and legs.
Mike Lawrence
Oh, and then the.
Ryan Long
Yeah, I've seen that one before.
Mike Lawrence
Oh, it's a black person burning on a cross.
Zach Amico
Oh, good. Oh, good.
Mike Lawrence
Well, we know what side he was a colonel on. Fucking surprised. Here.
Zach Amico
It'S just him with a little notebook that writes extra crispy. What are the other shank. Can you look up the other subliminal things in fast? There's a. There's a few.
Mike Lawrence
Makes sense.
Zach Amico
I know that some people have suggested that the McDonald's arch is supposed to be tits.
Ryan Long
Is that true or that there's an.
Zach Amico
Idea behind it that, like, you're driving towards it?
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, but the difference is tits have organic meat.
Zach Amico
Yes. No. I drive to McDonald's to get tits. Yeah, there's a few. And then of course, the one that everyone says is the monster logo 666.
Ryan Long
Oh, I don't even know that one.
Zach Amico
So the monster logo is Monster Energy. Yeah, Monster Energy. It's the Hebrew six three times. Really? Yeah. And the whole. It's like all like this, like, it is a satanic drink, this beast imagery. And it's literally. It's a 666 in Hebrew.
Mike Lawrence
But the amount of people that already think Hebrew is the devil's language.
Ryan Long
Yeah, Double down.
Zach Amico
Red Bull gives you wings, Monster gives you doubles down.
Mike Lawrence
Is kfc.
Zach Amico
Am I. Did I get that right, Shannon?
Shannon
Yeah. I'm looking at the other ones there. It's like nothing fun.
Zach Amico
Can you show the monster ones?
Shannon
Yeah, one second.
Ryan Long
You get a couple monsters in me. I'm up to some satanic.
Zach Amico
When I used to play music, Monster sponsored my band.
Ryan Long
Really? And I didn't know they were sponsoring bands like that.
Zach Amico
Yeah. And dude, they sent us K. We had like. It was like a van load. And that's all we drank for like a year. And recently I tried a monster and I haven't had one in forever. Like, the regular green one. And I was like, oh, this tastes like. And then I realized because it didn't have vodka in it. I was like, what the fuck? Yes.
Mike Lawrence
Okay.
Zach Amico
Yeah, that's. It's the Hebrew six. And unleash the beast.
Ryan Long
The Hebrew six.
Zach Amico
I think it's pretty fucking. Am I an idiot? Yes.
Mike Lawrence
Did you know that you go to Gaza, you'll see empty monster cans all over the strip.
Zach Amico
Okay, let's keep it moving. Young worker killed after falling into meat grinder at factory of frozen burrito company Shannon.
Shannon
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
And that's the burrito. Dan. Got it. Taco bell.
Shannon
So this 19 year old man was trying to clean the vat, I guess that goes into the grinder and he got stuck in it and it turned on by accident somehow. This is Final Destination stuff. So it turned on and then he was screaming. People got in there, attempted to help him, but by the time they were able to stop it and try to get him out, he was already dead. I just don't know like how mushed he was because they're not giving details, but he was dead and.
Zach Amico
Can we see the article?
Shannon
Yeah. Oh, hold on, let me show you the Instagram. One second.
Zach Amico
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Ryan Long
Could chat GPT render a picture of what they think he might look like now Slither.
Zach Amico
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Shannon
He was cleaning. Well, he was cleaning it. I think he was just cleaning it and then it turned on.
Zach Amico
Okay. Because I remember. Wasn't there a guy that got boiled to death at a chocolate fact? I know it sounds like really wonderful.
Shannon
Yes.
Zach Amico
Didn't we do a story of a guy who fell into chocolate?
Shannon
Yes.
Zach Amico
Years ago. And there's another one. Fuck. What am I thinking of, Shannon?
Shannon
Oh, there was a woman that got stuck in the refrigerator.
Zach Amico
Yes.
Shannon
In a fast food place.
Zach Amico
Yes. Thank you. It sounds like these factories, they're not keeping up. Yeah. That's got to be the worst though. 19. How do you die selling the meat grinder? Because you gotta tell like, you can't be like work accident. Of course you gotta tell people. If that's your kid or that's your.
Mike Lawrence
Brother, then you find out who catered the funeral. He's in all of us.
Zach Amico
You could say we killed Uter, ground him up and ate him for lunch.
Shannon
So, yeah, he didn't fall in. Yeah, he was cleaning it when it unexpectedly activated.
Zach Amico
Fuck. What's the story now? I remember what we did. It was a guy cleaning a conveyor belt at a food factory. And the conveyor belt went on, but it was so. It cooked him. But it was one of those things where they couldn't. It didn't have a fail safe, so they had to hear it. And it was like a 20 minute him getting to the hot part.
Ryan Long
Oh, no.
Mike Lawrence
And people want to get rid of illegal immigrants. Like this is who should be dying in these accidents. But because of ice.
Zach Amico
Yeah. Now good goddamn Americans are going to be turned into burritos. Is that what you want? For your children to be turned into a goddamn burrito?
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
And by the way, they won for the last minute.
Mike Lawrence
We were the podcast. You think we've been the whole. Live from Austin, Texas.
Zach Amico
And people wonder why men make more money than women. Because women don't get turned into goddamn burritos. Speaking of it, we could do the WNBA thing. WNBA players wear shirts that say, what is it, Sharon? Pay us what we deserve.
Shannon
Yeah, I'll show it to you. Here.
Zach Amico
Pay what you owe us at the All Star game. So they operated at a $40 million loss this year. So technically they owe. They owe money for playing on those teams, right?
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. And none of them could jump high enough to even touch the glass ceiling.
Zach Amico
And it's true, they use a smaller ball with the same size rim.
Mike Lawrence
Right.
Ryan Long
Same size hoop, smaller ball, 40 mil a year loss. Is it delusion, Caitlin Clark?
Zach Amico
Oh, yeah. Is it delusion or is it like ego driven? What do you think it is that like. Because to me, the. The best example Somebody gave to me would be like, that's like a bar band being like, we deserve as much as Metallica. We play music too.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Ryan Long
I mean, you see it sometimes in movies where the number two will be like, well, I should get the same as them. And you're like, yeah, well, they're famous or than you.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Well, that was a big. That's the, the Terrence Howard story. Was that in the first Iron Man. Yeah, he makes 8 million. Downey makes 1 million. And then the second one happens and that, that's not happening again. Downey gets like 30 or something and Terrence left. But it's like, what did you think? And the funny thing is, if he stayed like, I'm sure Don Cheadle has made a shit ton of money.
Ryan Long
Well, Terrence Arrow has been doing great lately, right?
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. What was the movie he said he wanted to do because he'd have to kiss a guy.
Zach Amico
Iron Man 3, they had a very different script.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. He, he thought it said Horror Machine.
Ryan Long
I think they just look at it like they're not looking. They're like, well, yeah, companies lose money. I don't know. You know, think about like how many companies you go, yeah, Amazon was losing money and they were still getting paid. We should get paid more. This is how much we're behind.
Mike Lawrence
Every great woman is a mediocre woman saying, hey, you should make more.
Ryan Long
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you deserve way.
Shannon
By the way, it was the, the Marvin Gay biopic.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Shannon
He wouldn't do.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, there you go.
Zach Amico
It's just because his name was Gay. I ain't playing no Gay.
Ryan Long
No geisha.
Zach Amico
No gaytrin. Was it. It's in his contract. No gay shit. Yeah, he just, he drew it. He wrote me.
Mike Lawrence
He's like, but in my version, I beat up my dad. He doesn't get to shoot me.
Zach Amico
Yeah. So like. And I try not to be the fucking pig headed man I really am in real life.
Mike Lawrence
But then you remember what. Then you remember what network you're on.
Zach Amico
Yeah. And what I do and what I.
Mike Lawrence
Look like and who buys your stuff.
Zach Amico
Yeah, yeah. It just, it does seem like how could you possibly. Like, how did they have a meeting and nobody like us. We're going to kind of look like cunts for this.
Ryan Long
The thing is, it works though. That's. That, that's the part that you're missing. Like if.
Zach Amico
Did it work for the soccer. For the, the women's soccer team?
Ryan Long
This has been working for. I don't know if it worked.
Zach Amico
No.
Ryan Long
But I don't know I don't know if it worked for them, but for wnba, like, them complaining is how you get more money. It's a squeaky wheel situation.
Mike Lawrence
Well, it turns out this gorilla is a woman. And so we have a female perspective on.
Zach Amico
I was gonna say, be careful where you're going with this one, Mike. Yeah, I just almost had to dive across the table yelling a slur to save Mike's career. It's like a Christmas story.
Mike Lawrence
I get called racist for having a black son sometimes, so go fucking figure.
Zach Amico
Yeah. No, I believe it, dude. Mike puts up with some shit I can't imagine, dude.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, I wrote on the Golden Globes. And when we posted the photo the next day, of all the writers, this woman was like, well, you know, you could at least adopt a black kid and feel better about yourself because of how little diversity there is in that room. Of course, it was a white woman that said.
Zach Amico
And it's not like you and your wife were like, give us a black. No, you just got one.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah.
Zach Amico
I mean, and not that there's anything wrong with the request, but it would be a little weird. Yeah, I think if you had a preference, it's a little weird.
Mike Lawrence
That's what. When you do adopt, there is a long preference sheet, and you can. It was when we got them, we were in the hospital, and the woman, the nurse, just so you know, that boy is black. Cause his balls are purple. And I'm like, we also knew that he was. It's okay. She's like, all right. Just so you know. Cause some people. She said that some people will come in and they'll find out what color are his balls, and they'll leave. They'll be like, what? They lied to me. And it's like, you don't know what adoption is.
Zach Amico
We're not giving away the good white ones. Yeah, the balls being purple is a very. That's very detail oriented. Yeah, I think.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah, I think that, like, this boy ain't white.
Zach Amico
The good part, though, is if you have a question about life, you can shake his balls up and they give you an answer.
Mike Lawrence
Magic eight balls. Am I a good father? My sources say no.
Zach Amico
If his parents hadn't done so many Magic 8 balls, they wouldn't have had to give him up. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disrespect your wonderful family.
Mike Lawrence
It was very funny.
Zach Amico
I'm sorry. And you know, I absolutely adore you.
Mike Lawrence
No, it was very funny.
Zach Amico
Okay.
Mike Lawrence
It was very. Anytime anyone asks, like, what's the best joke, that's Ever been said about me? I always say, it's Zach. And it was. And this is funny, this was five years before my autism diagnosis. You diagnosed me in front of a room full of people, which was the only thing. What was it the only thing I would like to do. There's nothing I'd like to do more at the end of this battle than.
Zach Amico
Look like, look at that and shake your head if you were able to do either of those things.
Mike Lawrence
And then the other one was. Mike Lawrence rocks back and forth as he angrily reviews a comic book movie. It's like, ah, man, that's a good.
Zach Amico
Oh, good times and good days. All right, we're doing one or two more things and get out of here. The sex act. Gwyneth Paltrow loved performing with Ben Affleck revealed 69.
Shannon
I thought you guys were gonna having.
Mike Lawrence
Dunkin Donuts spilled on her.
Zach Amico
You know what? You're closer than you think, Shannon.
Shannon
Yeah, so it is. She enjoyed getting teabagged by Ben Affleck. That's her favorite thing.
Zach Amico
That seems about right. That clocks.
Mike Lawrence
So she did like them apples.
Zach Amico
That got me good. Yeah. Okay. All right, I'll take it.
Mike Lawrence
And then he'd goop on her.
Zach Amico
I heard he likes to fuck girls in a very uncomfortable place. Like the back of a Volkswagen. No.
Mike Lawrence
Or in the theater of one of his movies.
Zach Amico
All right, I believe it.
Mike Lawrence
I like. Yeah. He likes to fuck girls at a very uncomfortable place. Boston.
Zach Amico
That does sound like douchebag from Boston. Move. Let me teabag you.
Mike Lawrence
You know, Casey watches every once in a while.
Zach Amico
It's the one. It's. He calls it a Boston Tea Party. Yeah, I can see. See, I think everything you need to know about Ben Affleck, once you see that back tattoo, you're like, oh, that's who that guy is.
Ryan Long
Ben Affleck's got a huge back piece.
Zach Amico
Shannon, can you bring up. Dude, you got it. When you see.
Ryan Long
I just seen him always dropping his coffee everywhere.
Zach Amico
When you see his back tattoo, you go, this is a douchebag from Boston. No way.
Mike Lawrence
If you wanted to be my Batman, go fuck yourself.
Zach Amico
Isn't that fucking crazy?
Ryan Long
I've never seen that.
Mike Lawrence
That's what Bruce Wayne would do if he killed his own par.
Zach Amico
That is bananas.
Ryan Long
How old is he when he got that?
Zach Amico
I have no idea.
Ryan Long
Was that like, post famous or.
Zach Amico
I don't know. I hope that is to his credit.
Mike Lawrence
His career has died and then risen again multiple times.
Ryan Long
He got that after the accountant.
Zach Amico
It is wild. What a. And listen, I am covered in Bad.
Mike Lawrence
What are the chances Jason did that on the set of Mall Run?
Zach Amico
Dude is fucking. That is just. That really shows you the.
Ryan Long
I look at him differently now, the Boston douchebag.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
It's so funny because I was on the Tom Brady roast and remember, he was on it towards the end, and I just. I got to be, like, 10ft from him. Watching him read the teleprompter and making sure everything was right before he went out and bombed so hard. And there was that part of me of, like, I could save him right now. I could help him. And I'm like, but his Batman wouldn't help anybody. And I was just like, his Batman.
Zach Amico
Would have shot him. Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Did you see that set?
Zach Amico
Oh, yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Oh, man. Yeah, it was. It was so funny because people were like, why didn't anyone say anything? I'm like, they tried. And he was like this. His whole thing was that he was. He did this, like, character thing where he was. He's Tom Brady's social media manager, and he's like, I've been trying to help you for years, but, like, no, but you're Ben Affleck. You can't be anything but Ben Affleck.
Zach Amico
Yeah. It doesn't work when comedians do that, usually. Yeah. Much less a guy trying it out that everybody knows. Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
He just wants to hear about his Puerto Rican ex, Zach.
Shannon
He has another tattoo, which is a dolphin on his hip.
Zach Amico
Oh, boy. Oh, God.
Mike Lawrence
Argo fuck yourself.
Shannon
It says it's covering up the name of his high school sweetheart.
Zach Amico
Oh, no. Oh. Is that what the OV initials are? Or is that somewhere else?
Shannon
Somewhere else, yeah.
Mike Lawrence
So now we know two people who didn't go to their reunions.
Shannon
There's more. So there's that, of course. And then Rose, a sword and playing cards on his arm.
Zach Amico
By the way, is that a shot from Gigli?
Shannon
I don't know.
Zach Amico
I think that's. Gigli is a perfect storm of bad.
Mike Lawrence
I've seen it. Oh, dude.
Zach Amico
When. Dude, Walken. It has one scene in Gigli, and you literally watch him look around and realize the movie sucks and leave the movie.
Mike Lawrence
There's a mentally challenged guy in it, and his whole thing is that he wants to go to Baywatch and he thinks he. Baywatch is a real place.
Zach Amico
It's the guy who they lose in Hangover Justin Bar.
Mike Lawrence
And it's. And the guy who made it never made a movie again. He's the guy who did Scent of a Woman. He did. I think he did the first Beverly Hills Cop Martin breast.
Zach Amico
It's dude, it's crazy. So. Because it was only advertised as Ben Affleck and JLo's movie, but it's Walken, Pacino, and Chris Penn. And they all, I think, were like, don't put our name on this shit. And for Pacino to be embarrassed about a project. And the mom from Big Fat Greek Wedding, who's just an ethnic mom in every movie. Yeah. And just arbitrarily changes ethnicities in every single film.
Mike Lawrence
Well, that's like. Was that guy Cliff Curtis? He's the Maori guy from, like, New Zealand. And he's been every ethnicity. He's like a cholo in Training Day.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
He's been an Arab terrorist.
Zach Amico
Yeah. He's just genuine bad foreign threat. Does he have any more tattoos, Shannon?
Shannon
Yes. So here, there's a cross on the other shoulder, and then he has initials.
Zach Amico
J.
Shannon
Lo. It's a JLo. And him JMB.
Zach Amico
Well, I guess they couldn't do BJ.
Shannon
I think that's it. Yeah, that's it.
Zach Amico
Oh, that.
Ryan Long
That back piece is wild.
Zach Amico
That. And it's like. That's sessions. That's like. That's an idea that you had to commit to and make multiple appointments.
Mike Lawrence
One of the weirdest.
Ryan Long
He got to know that tattoo artist.
Mike Lawrence
One of the weirdest gigs I ever had. I wrote on the first season of Love island, usa and, you know, like, wrote the VO and everything. And there was this dude who had a tattoo. He was the big Texas guy, and his name was Wes. And the tattoo was a Native American face. And then the headdress instead of feathers was assault rifles. Yeah. And it was so funny because the show lasted, like, five weeks at the time. And of course, what happens? Two giant mass shootings. And then they're like, we gotta film around it. But it's Love island, so they're shirtless the whole time.
Zach Amico
Yeah. That's gotta be like trying to film.
Mike Lawrence
Around Hogan's bald spot or Cena's bald spot.
Zach Amico
Yeah.
Mike Lawrence
Rocks balls.
Zach Amico
Holy shit. That's a bad tattoo.
Mike Lawrence
Yeah. And I think it was like. And it's like a lot of the producers were, like, British and Australian, and, like, this is what we think.
Zach Amico
America is the funniest. My favorite tattoo I've ever seen. I. I got a open container ticket when I was, like, 19, and I had to go to court to pay it. And in front of me in line to pay our tickets was a big, tall black guy wearing a basketball jersey, and he had his whole arm was a tiger, and it said horse. And I'll never figure that out. I wanted to ask, but it didn't seem like the right place because we were getting arraigned. But I will never know what a tiger that says horse means.
Mike Lawrence
Zach goes to these paranormal conventions and tries to do a seance. Is like, can I get the black guy? Yeah, he's got to be there at some point.
Zach Amico
Yes. If you have a tiger that says horse, and he was, he's definitely paying a drug charge.
Mike Lawrence
And he had a wife that said mule.
Zach Amico
All right, I think we are about done, but before we get out of here, let's watch a fun video. Local Tens, Jeff Weinser attacked by restaurant employees amid inspection questions. Shannon will end the show on this segment.
Mike Lawrence
Florida Buffet, with a disturbing history of health violations, is back in the spotlight. But this time, it's not just about roaches, rodents, and threats to your health and safety. When Local 10 investigator Jeff Weins here showed up with questions, he and his photographer were attacked. Here's tonight's explosive dirty dining report.
E
Ma', Am, can we talk to somebody about the inspection?
Zach Amico
Ma', Am, please.
E
Seconds after she sees the wide open back kitchen door, an employee storms out, and we are under attack. I want to talk to somebody about the inspection.
Zach Amico
You can't touch the camera. Pick up.
Mike Lawrence
That's assault.
Zach Amico
That's assault. Hey, hey.
E
So let's slow it down. He first shoves the camera, then takes aim at me, grabbing the microphone in my hand, defending myself, trying to get his hands off. He goes back into the kitchen, grabs a pan. But just as he's fan come back.
Zach Amico
You'Re gonna look like me.
E
I grab parts of the microphone he ripped apart in the struggle. And we leave. This place is China buffet. The address, 18690 Northwest 67th Avenue. That's in the country club plaza in northwest Miami Dade near the Hialeah Miami lakes border. Last week, an inspector showed up here during a routine inspection. Found 21 violations order the place shut down. And among the violations, live roaches crawling on a wall above a sink on a beverage station counter. At the hibachi station, fish and chicken were being held at unsafe temperatures. There was no sanitizer in the dishwasher. The inspector had to return twice before China Buffet was cleared to reopen. And if this face looks familiar.
Zach Amico
If this face looks familiar, you're racist.
Mike Lawrence
They find out it's not the same guy. Wait, this is so funny. How do they not call the story big trouble in little China Buffet?
Zach Amico
Oh, no, it's the. It's this guy's response to Cameron.
Mike Lawrence
So funny.
Zach Amico
Usually they love them.
Mike Lawrence
It's the shitty reporters.
Zach Amico
Holy. Instead, he sees a camera and goes, oh, no, my buffet. Just back it up a little. That really got me.
E
And if this face looks familiar, hey, how are you? It's the same man who confronted us back in 2017. This is the seventh time since 2014.
Zach Amico
What point did you go, man, we gotta keep that dog closed.
Mike Lawrence
You know, I gotta say, we are. We are one hour and 16 minutes. And for that to be the first time someone's done an Asian accident, that's gotta be an amico, right?
Zach Amico
Okay, there's no way. That's not what that guy sounds like.
Mike Lawrence
I know. We heard it.
Zach Amico
I listen. Had he come out of that fucking kitchen and went, ladies, gentlemen, please. And decorum, guys, please. All due process, please. Why y' all filming me? Yeah, this is private property. But he literally goes, hi.
Mike Lawrence
Ya know, you could do, like a racist voice. As long it's a different ethnicity. Like, hey, it's a me. I'm a Chinese. Yo, I'm Japanese.
Zach Amico
Go ahead, Chad. Let's finish it out.
E
China Buffet has been ordered shut for rodent, roach, and flying insect issues. Second time China Buffet has been inspected 46 times, racked up 546 violations since April 20, 2017. That's double the average. The state has issued thousands in fines, but the problems seem to be crawling back. The Department of Business and Professional Regulation has said before they work with businesses to try to bring them into compliance, and their goal is not to yank licenses permanently, even for repeat offenders. So China Buffet was allowed to reopen again following an ordered cleanup and reinspection. I want to talk to somebody about the inspection.
Zach Amico
Can't touch the camera.
Mike Lawrence
That's assault.
E
That's a st. And we're attacked for simply trying to hold them accountable. Instead of answers, we got aggression from a restaurant that should be answering to you, the public.
Zach Amico
And after inspecting their soda machines, it would appear someone put pee pee in the coke.
Mike Lawrence
Failure to comprise there. You got it out of me.
Zach Amico
All right?
Mike Lawrence
I'm from South. I probably went to that place as a kid.
Zach Amico
This is the only Asians that don't get good grades. All right, calling it there. Thank you guys so much for tuning in to the morning. Say thank you to my guest, Ryan Long and Mike Lawrence. Please listen to boys cast and nerd of mouth and thank you guys so much. We love you very much and we'll see you this Wednesday here on the Morning Zoo. Goodbye. Noon is morning time. To him Papa Mako chugging down just like the favorite obese clown. Grab a coffee and join the crew. It's a Miko morning too. It's Akamiko Work, work morning.
Zac Amico's Morning Zoo - Episode 0029: Ryan Long and Mike Lawrence
Release Date: July 25, 2025
Host: GaS Digital Network
Zac Amico kicks off the episode with his signature high-energy introduction, warmly welcoming longtime caller and comedian Ryan Long alongside fellow comedian Mike Lawrence. The hosts engage in light-hearted banter about their current hotel experiences and the challenges of staying on tour buses.
The conversation shifts to the logistics of life on tour. Zac shares his humorous experiences with hotel mishaps, such as dealing with malfunctioning microwaves at La Quinta. The group discusses the perks and pitfalls of staying on a tour bus, including the humorous predicament of planning restroom breaks on long highway stretches.
Diving into eerie topics, the hosts discuss the infamous Annabelle doll and recent incidents surrounding it. They critique the credibility of ghost hunters, sharing a chilling story about a man who died in an MRI accident presumably linked to the doll. The conversation highlights the blend of skepticism and fascination with paranormal activities.
The duo shares personal anecdotes from their comedy careers, including Zac’s experience at a paranormal convention and Mike’s stint on a cruise performing with 311 fans. They reminisce about meeting at an open mic night and the evolution of their comedic styles, highlighting moments of improvisation and audience interaction.
Transitioning to pop culture, the hosts analyze fast-food logos for hidden meanings and subliminal messages. They humorously interpret elements like Wendy’s logo and Monster Energy’s branding, drawing parallels to popular conspiracy theories.
A somber tone is introduced as the hosts discuss a tragic accident at a frozen burrito factory where a 19-year-old worker was killed by a malfunctioning meat grinder. They express frustration over workplace safety standards and the gruesome nature of industrial accidents.
The conversation shifts to sports, specifically the WNBA, addressing issues of gender pay disparity and the financial struggles of women's leagues. The hosts debate the merits of equal pay in sports, comparing it to other industries and discussing societal perceptions.
Zac and Mike delve into celebrity antics, focusing on Ben Affleck's controversial behavior and public image. They humorously critique his tattoos and infamous reputation, weaving in personal anecdotes about interactions with celebrities.
Shifting back to current events, Shannon presents a video segment about a Florida buffet where a Local 10 investigator was assaulted by restaurant employees during a health inspection. The hosts react with their characteristic humor and criticism of the establishment’s poor hygiene practices.
Zac wraps up the episode by thanking guests Ryan Long and Mike Lawrence, promoting their respective projects, and encouraging listeners to support the show. The hosts sign off with their usual playful banter, maintaining the episode's lively and chaotic energy.
This episode of Zac Amico's Morning Zoo offers a blend of humor, personal stories, and insightful commentary, making it a compelling listen for both regular fans and newcomers alike.