0032. Ari Shaffir and Jeff Dye

Summary

The Luis and Zac Show – Episode 0032 Summary: Featuring Ari Shaffir and Jeff Dye

Release Date: January 30, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 0032 of The Luis and Zac Show, hosts Luis J. Gomez and Zac Amico engage in a lively and unfiltered conversation featuring guest comedians Ari Shaffir and Jeff Dye. The episode delves into a variety of topics ranging from gym etiquette and pranks to food experiences, social commentary on racism, and personal anecdotes about relationships and sexual health. True to the show's reputation, no subject is off-limits, delivering razor-sharp banter and unabashed humor throughout.

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Gym Etiquette and Experiences

The conversation kicks off with the hosts and guests discussing their experiences and frustrations with gym etiquette. Zac shares a personal story about being banned from Equinox after an altercation in the steam room.

• Zac Amico [08:16]: "I was yelling at men in the steam room for being too loud... I'm banned from Equinox now."

Jeff adds humor by poking fun at the situation, highlighting the absurdity of gym rules and member behaviors.

• Jeff Dye [03:00]: "I'm not good at basketball, so I'm very generous. Just pass it around."

Notable Quote:

• Zac Amico [08:26]: "Now, I'm not allowed at Equinox until the manager gets a different job."

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Prank STD Messages

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing prank messages related to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Zac introduces the concept of sending anonymous STD alerts as a prank, specifically mentioning mycoplasma genitalium.

• Zac Amico [12:00]: "Tell your partner.org through an anonymous notification service. It's a great prank to play on your friends."

The group debates the ethics and potential consequences of such pranks, with Jeff expressing skepticism about their effectiveness.

Notable Quote:

• Jeff Dye [14:05]: "This is wild. This is a message from... mycoplasma genitalium."

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Food and Dining Stories

The hosts and guests share their culinary adventures, discussing favorite burger joints and sushi spots. Zac praises 8020 Burger in New Jersey and Sushi by Scratch in New York City, while Jeff humorously recounts his first experience with Chick-fil-A.

• Zac Amico [27:23]: "Yesterday I went to a new burger spot in Jersey. Shout out to 8020 Burger. So good."

Notable Quote:

• Zac Amico [30:55]: "They scraped the inside of a bone out. It looks disgusting but it's phenomenal."

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Racism and Social Commentary

The episode touches on the resurgence of racism, with hosts expressing their frustrations and observations about societal changes. The discussion highlights how racism has become more overt in certain circles, leading to uncomfortable and offensive remarks.

• Zac Amico [48:07]: "I do think racism is back pretty powerfully right now."

Notable Quote:

• Luis J. Gomez [48:31]: "And it's not even going to be funny. These streets need paving."

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Personal Relationship Anecdotes

Luis, Zac, and Jeff delve into their personal lives, discussing relationships, love, and the complexities that come with them. They candidly talk about moments of vulnerability, such as confessing love prematurely or dealing with breakups.

• Zac Amico [71:00]: "I've told 12 different girls that I've loved them in my life."

Notable Quote:

• Jeff Dye [72:05]: "It's too long."

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Sexual Health and Hypochondria

The hosts humorously explore topics related to sexual health, including discussing symptoms of STDs and the anxieties surrounding them. Zac shares his experience with online STD questionnaires and the resulting stress.

• Zac Amico [17:03]: "I have no symptoms."

Notable Quote:

• Zac Amico [19:02]: "But I did the honest thing. I literally both girls I texted right away, and I was like, just so you know I got the sex."

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Contests and Audience Engagement

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts introduce a contest segment where listeners can submit their dates for Troll's Wedding. The segment is filled with humorous interactions and playful teasing among the hosts and guests.

• Zac Amico [63:56]: "We have a contest for it. And the girls are submitting."

Notable Quote:

• Zac Amico [65:01]: "She’s a comedy die-hard and I love you guys."

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Concluding Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Luis and Zac promote their upcoming tours and specials, encouraging listeners to subscribe to the Gas Digital Network for exclusive content. They also tease future episodes featuring other notable comedians.

Notable Quote:

• Luis J. Gomez [81:14]: "Make sure you guys subscribe to Gas Digital. It really is the number one way to support the show."

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Final Thoughts

Episode 0032 of The Luis and Zac Show exemplifies the show's commitment to edgy and unapologetic comedy. With a blend of personal stories, social commentary, and relentless humor, hosts Luis and Zac, along with guests Ari Shaffir and Jeff Dye, deliver an engaging and entertaining episode that stays true to their "comedy revolution" ethos.

Transcript

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Zach Amico]

You know what time it is? They say life a bit tight at night. Boy, we diving in. We got Zakamiko, red dot, head shot. Eat a snipe for the Puerto Rican point guard striking like a viper.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And it came to attack.

[Zach Amico]

Spilling crack on the track. Yeah, it's your boy, Louis J. Gomez. Puerto Rican rattles say king of things. We're back. Lewis and Zach show, huh? What? Yeah, great show planned today. International superstar Zach Amico here, as always, dresses. Garfield is fun.

[Ari Shafir]

Feeling good. It's a Monday, baby.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it is a Monday. Mondays are the best days. Garfield does hate Mondays. I feel like this is a knock. He's taking little subtle jabs at me right now. Never.

[Ari Shafir]

I would never make a career off that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why does Garfield hate Monday? He doesn't.

[Zach Amico]

He's a lazy, fat. He doesn't work right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. John should hate Mondays.

[Jeff Dye]

He's pandering to the work.

[Ari Shafir]

John doesn't go to work. John's a cartoonist.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

He's pandering to the people who read comics going, I also hate Mondays.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it is. You're right. It is a little pander job. Don't like it.

[Jeff Dye]

It's grifting.

[Zach Amico]

Fuck Garfield.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How about Garfield?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, fuck Garfield.

[Ari Shafir]

He's not a pander. He's a kitty cat.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, great show planned today. The Ascension era continues early. Early recording time today. So shout out to the 1/7 of the amount of people that are usually in the racist live chat. But you guys all paid attention. Shout out to Crystal, shout out to Pasquale, Ghosts of Kumia, Ricky Ritardo, Michael Rutledge, Carly Dre, Jenkum, you guys are all here. We're very excited about today's show. Ari's dog is running around the studio. We hate it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Poop somewhere.

[Zach Amico]

He's a cute dog, but, you know, it's sort of unnecessary to have him in my life.

[Jeff Dye]

He's a service dog.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Poop wherever you want.

[Jeff Dye]

He's got to come in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he does better poop wherever you want in the studio. Totally cool with me.

[Zach Amico]

Two incredible guests on the show, both, I guess, making their Lewis and Zach debuts.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is my first time on Lewis and Zach.

[Zach Amico]

Yes, you know him and love him from his brand new special, America's Sweetheart part on Netflix. Hilarious. Very, very funny special.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Thanks, brother.

[Zach Amico]

The great Ari Shafir on the show for the first time.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do you have a sound effect? That'll do.

[Zach Amico]

And another hilarious comedian. Love this guy. Every time I work with Him. I have a great time working with him. One of the funniest guys there is. You got a special out there they could watch?

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah. Last Cowboy in la.

[Zach Amico]

Last Cowboy in la. Go check out the great Jeff Die.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, wow.

[Jeff Dye]

Thanks for having me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Gun violence. Jeff D. And I were teammates on a comedian's basketball league.

[Zach Amico]

Were you guys?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They were on Sean Kemp's Kids.

[Zach Amico]

I bet. I bet you Jeff is good at passing.

[Jeff Dye]

No, I'm not.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, he's not.

[Jeff Dye]

But I distribute and I'm very. I'm selfless on the basketball court.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's gifted athletically. He's like that. What's the movie where the guy goes to Africa and finds some dude air up there? Airbud maybe. Because the air of the last athlete. Maybe the air up there. Yeah, yeah. And the guy can like run and kick and. And like throw, but only like rocks and spears.

[Jeff Dye]

He's a savage.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's Jeff Die. He could duck, but he was like. He would just camp on the three point lane. It was. You can't be there.

[Jeff Dye]

Well, I know what I'm good at, right? And basketball isn't something I'm good at, so I'm very generous. Just pass it. Get the stupid rebound, and then just pass it to someone who knows what the stupid.

[Zach Amico]

You. I had a debate on Legion of Skanks on Friday.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You had a fight?

[Zach Amico]

No, it was a debate.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Jay. Jay thinks that he's more athletic than me. Big J. And I was like, jay, there's no measurement of the word athleticism that would say you're better.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I have one for Jay, please. The hot dog eating contest?

[Zach Amico]

I don't even think so, to be honest with you. I think I could smash more hot dogs than J.

[Ari Shafir]

Throwing a football.

[Zach Amico]

That's not athletic.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It is.

[Zach Amico]

I don't. I think throwing a football isn't a sign of athleticism. It's a skill that you learn. I can juggle. Like it's. It's as athletic as juggling.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What's the profession of people who throw footballs professionally?

[Zach Amico]

Yes, if. But I can play football better than Jay. I can run faster, hit harder. I'm just like all of the other things. Besides the spiral of the football. Yes. Jay would be a better quarter quarterback than me. Technically, I guess.

[Ari Shafir]

What about catching the football?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, catching.

[Zach Amico]

I think we'd probably be comparable at catching a football.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Neither one of you had a father to throw to you?

[Zach Amico]

Nope.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So you wouldn't have known what catching us.

[Zach Amico]

But look, I'm very excited about today's show. Huge show plan. Today, the ascension era of the Lewis and Zach show continues. To incredible guests. Two white guests, which I count.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'll count it.

[Zach Amico]

I count it as white. Some people won't.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, I know why. What do they count as though people.

[Jeff Dye]

Don'T count it if they hate Jews.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but if it's like, white and blacks. Right? So then you got to go where Asians go.

[Zach Amico]

Blacks, White.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Where do Latinos go?

[Zach Amico]

Black. Obviously black.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Where do Jews go?

[Zach Amico]

White. Yeah. If there's a line drawn in the sand, I get an Asian. Could be either one. So a Filipino Asian would be.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Cambodian goes black.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah, I guess Chinese goes to white. But Chinese are dirty. People should edit this out of the YouTube section. Chinese people, they're a dirty culture.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You ever see them, they shit publicly.

[Jeff Dye]

They're loudly. They make a lot of noise.

[Ari Shafir]

I had a Korean friend who told me when he was a kid, when Chinese people would fly to South Korea, they would give them a pamphlet on manners.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

That was like, we don't spit it. Ready to go. If you want to go to the bathroom, please go to a bathroom. If you want somebody to move, don't push them. Say, excuse me.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they're very rude, too. I remember I would order Chinese food, like, when I was younger. I was, like, kind of a chubby kid, and I would go in and I'd order a bunch of stuff, and the lady behind the counter, she's like, you too fat. You fat. I was like, I'm spending money in your establishment. How dare you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow. Whenever you see the doors open on the subway, people go up and people push in first. Yeah, that's a. That's.

[Jeff Dye]

You don't kind of like that.

[Zach Amico]

Called fat by Chinese.

[Jeff Dye]

Well, I mean, just the. The purity of fat.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She must have been kind of.

[Jeff Dye]

I mean, it's funny.

[Zach Amico]

Not when you're, like, your formative years where you're starting to go through puberty. You like girls. You're.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you're too fat.

[Zach Amico]

I know I'm fat, you dumb chink.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It never got better.

[Zach Amico]

God damn it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I read recently Honky was for Jews originally.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Interesting. Because of the nose? No. Oh, no.

[Ari Shafir]

Because they used to drive through the projects honking on the first that the rent was due.

[Jeff Dye]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

And honky was for the Jewish landlords in the slum lords.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's a honky.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, because they would.

[Jeff Dye]

They would take everybody out of it.

[Ari Shafir]

They would wake everybody up, because it's not like they were at work on the first and be like, rents do is cracker.

[Zach Amico]

Because Crack the whip. Ah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So it's really not even eat crackers.

[Zach Amico]

But it's not because it was white like a saltine. That's what I thought.

[Jeff Dye]

That's what I thought it was. Which also seems not that insulting.

[Zach Amico]

The cracking the whip is not insulting. You're saying they're. They're.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's reminding you.

[Ari Shafir]

Indiana of Jones.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I am reminding you of a dominant.

[Jeff Dye]

Even more cool.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You think they had trick shots on slaves? Stand around the tree. I want to see if I can get some.

[Zach Amico]

There was a lot of. There was. There was a lot of good slave owners. So I. Slave owning is.

[Ari Shafir]

There had to be one that put an apple on a slave's head and.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Was like, watch this.

[Ari Shafir]

He thinks I'm aiming for the apple every time. He does it every time.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Right out his eye. Ah, I get it.

[Ari Shafir]

Sorry, Toby.

[Zach Amico]

So we. We have a lot of things to talk about. I'm very excited about the show. I. I was on Instagram yesterday talking with people. I. I posted a thing asking if it's appropriate for people to wear sneakers in the sauna at the gym.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No.

[Zach Amico]

Right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

0% no.

[Zach Amico]

I know. I know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Not even your own flip flops? To be honest.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I would say your flip flops are fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Your own flip flops. No, I have gym flip flops.

[Zach Amico]

I specifically.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did you wear them here?

[Zach Amico]

No.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did you wear the flip flops to the gym?

[Zach Amico]

I have flip flops specifically for my bag for the sauna and Steel. That's. Yeah, that's allowed.

[Jeff Dye]

Barefoot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It shouldn't go outside.

[Zach Amico]

Barefoot's a little crazy. Because there's savages. I got a fungal infection on my toe.

[Jeff Dye]

I believe that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah. But I just. That's a risk I'm willing to take.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, but, dude, it was so hard to get rid of it. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

I also don't want to lug wet sandals around in my gym bag.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You borrowed from them. Don't they have sandals?

[Jeff Dye]

Mine doesn't. I'm at Equinox, too, but I'm banned from Equinox.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You're banned from me.

[Jeff Dye]

They don't have sandals there.

[Zach Amico]

They don't have sandals.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was at a. I'm banned from life.

[Zach Amico]

I'm not banned from Lifetime.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He brought me into show.

[Jeff Dye]

How did you get banned? This is the second time I've heard this.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, no, I was yelling at men in the steam room for being too loud.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You got into a fight in the steam room and you took me there? The guy was yelling at us for being too loud.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And you go, shut the Up.

[Zach Amico]

We're talking, my friend, bro.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a reasonable volume.

[Zach Amico]

We were being.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The other way.

[Zach Amico]

Can I say we were being reasonable, Ari?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We were being.

[Zach Amico]

We were speaking at a very low volume.

[Jeff Dye]

And he told you to shut the up?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Through the.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The smoke, steam.

[Zach Amico]

We just heard a guy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

White or black?

[Zach Amico]

I couldn't tell, but I took the chance for it. Yeah, I was like, fuck you. You. I'll fuck you. That is blind confidence of a Puerto Rican. I have no idea if I could fuck this person up. I have no idea if he's tough, if he's trained.

[Jeff Dye]

Is this competitive nature come from.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't know, his athleticism, obviously.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not that you were willing to fight, it's that you were willing to fight nude.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, well, that's the way they used to fight in the. The Olympics when you were old pancreatian.

[Jeff Dye]

Back in the day.

[Zach Amico]

That'd be so fucking. Dude, I couldn't fight naked. I would hope that I'm tough enough that I can still beat him up and keep my towel wrapped with one hand. Dude, it. Dude, my. My little. My little dick and balls in a steam room. That's when my dick and balls are probably. I wouldn't say the littlest, but they're not great.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're not great.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they're not good.

[Jeff Dye]

Not ready for fighting.

[Zach Amico]

Not ready for fighting. But yeah. So no, these guys were being loud as dude. And the guy kept on hitting the thing going. So the steam kept on going on. And then they were just being bros about their boats. And it was in jerseys.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, they were talking too.

[Zach Amico]

They were talking too loud.

[Ari Shafir]

He's talking about how he got banned.

[Zach Amico]

This is how it was banned. And I was like. And I wasn't. I didn't freak out. I was like, hey, guys, I'm trying to relax over your keys. Keep it down a little bit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, hold on. Louis, I swear, five seconds.

[Zach Amico]

May my son die right now. If I was not polite in that moment.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So say it again legitimately, how you said it.

[Zach Amico]

I said, hey, guys, I'm trying to relax over here. Can you just keep it down a little bit?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

For real?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. And then he goes. He's like. I don't know. There was a rule against steaming or against speaking in the steam room. I was like, it's not a rule, it's just etiquette. You guys are being particularly loud. And then when I came out, they started talking shit to me in the locker room. They were all shaving their heads. Everyone was bald. We're all shaving our heads. And he's like, yeah, what's your name? I was like, louis, why? He's like, I wonder who told me to shut the fuck up in the steam room. And then, you know me. Yeah, I turned.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Now you're being aggressive now. I.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. And I know I've learned from this because now I'm not allowed at Equinox until the fucking bitch manager gets a different job. I check. I check the website every week to see if she's not the manager anymore because I'm gonna go in under a pseudonym.

[Jeff Dye]

Grow your hair long.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I'm gonna wear disguise, have the glasses, the nose.

[Ari Shafir]

Ari Shafir.

[Zach Amico]

So now. But now I can't. I can't complain too loud at Lifetime because it's the only other high end gym that exists, right? So now I have to just take it on the gym. Like the guy playing fetch with his dog. I gotta just take. And take a little video. The guy's wearing dude in the steam room. This was in the sauna. Rather it was three different guys. One guy was wearing his dirty muddy sneakers. Like he just came from outside. So I'm just watching the. From his shoes. Another guy had a bag of vegetables. He took out a full cucumber and started eating it like a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

In where?

[Zach Amico]

In the sauna?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No.

[Zach Amico]

And the smell was just hitting, I don't know, cuke hot cucumber stinks.

[Jeff Dye]

Just Bugs Bunny.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, no, you cannot eat in the sauna.

[Zach Amico]

Then the third guy was having a conversation with his friend, goes to leave, keeps the door open to continue to talk to his fucking friend as he's leaving. A full seven seconds. Dude.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Literally just letting this dude.

[Zach Amico]

I was sitting there like. And I can't say anything. I can't start yelling at people because I cannot lose this gym membership.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Anyone will go, hey, close the door.

[Zach Amico]

I did actually, I did say something. I said, what the fuck is wrong?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a. That's solid.

[Zach Amico]

And then the other guys were like, yeah, dude, I know, right? Dude, it's just justice. I need.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I need someone to back you up.

[Zach Amico]

I needs a little bit of backup.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And I. I'm gonna call her.

[Zach Amico]

No, no, I'm not gonna tell you which one.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let's get her on the horn.

[Zach Amico]

I'm not gonna call her. She was friends with my ex girlfriend too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Shannon. Shannon. Yes, can you call every Equinox until we find out who this is? Blake Shannon.

[Shannon]

I'm on it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Midtown. Start in Midtown.

[Jeff Dye]

It's gotta be aging right. That like. Because I thought it was my sobriety that was making me so irritable about things like this. But just in general, like when a rule is like at the airport, when it's like boarding group one and people just start filing it from the sides instead of going to the back of that line. Yeah, that shouldn't bother me. I'll.

[Zach Amico]

If that bothers me, I'm premiere 1k. So they let me board before babies, which is pretty sick.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know why it bothers both of you guys?

[Jeff Dye]

What's that?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know why it bothers both of you? Got a little Karen in you for sure.

[Jeff Dye]

We are, yeah. But I think some Karening is reasonable.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Some Karen is.

[Zach Amico]

I had a little me need rules. I had a little of me and Karen. A couple Karens. I got a couple Karens under my belt, literally.

[Ari Shafir]

You have sexually transmitted Karen, Dude.

[Zach Amico]

Let me say this. This is a crazy thing. I bet you Jeff has gotten this text message before. I got a text message from.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I've gotten it before. I thought of doing it to you.

[Zach Amico]

Did you do it to me?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I did not.

[Zach Amico]

Because I'm getting tested.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I did not. Like three years ago. And I was like, what? I was so worried. No, it was like. It was a while ago and I was so worried. I was like. When I found out, I was. Well, go ahead, set it up.

[Zach Amico]

Hold on, let me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hey, buddy.

[Zach Amico]

Let me see what it is. Okay, ready? So I get a text message from. Tell your partner.org this is a great prank to play on your friends.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, this is wild.

[Zach Amico]

This is wild. This is a message from. Tell your partner.org through an anonymous notification service. One of your sexual partners wants to let you know that you. That you may have been exposed to mycoplasma genitalium.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think I might have had that.

[Zach Amico]

Since you're. You may not have any symptoms, we recommend getting tested for information. Go. So you can go to a service and send an anonymous text saying that you have an std.

[Jeff Dye]

Wild.

[Zach Amico]

No, I honestly, I've only had unprotected sex with two women in the past, like few months. And I texted them right away.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know. This could be eight months ago.

[Jeff Dye]

I don't get tested for anything that doesn't have symptoms. I'll tell you that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I have no symptoms.

[Jeff Dye]

Symptomless. I'll die. I'll just. Because, like, I'm not going and just willy nilly.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jeff Dye died of unexplained causes.

[Zach Amico]

That's where he got his name.

[Jeff Dye]

Symptoms is why I go to the dog.

[Zach Amico]

Jeff died. Yeah. No I mean symptoms. Yeah. I've never had an STD in my life.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

Which is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do you think you're immune to. Do you ever think you're immune to herpes? Yes, I do too.

[Zach Amico]

I think I'm just immune to herpes cuz it's incredible.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Have you ever someone without a condom with herpes?

[Zach Amico]

I've only had one girl ever in the history of my sexual debauchery. Say hey just so you know I have herpes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What you do?

[Zach Amico]

I didn't her we were supposed to go out and she was like before we. Before you go out I just want you to know 10 years ago I was diagnosed then she had a whole speech better she doesn't get outbreaks.

[Jeff Dye]

But I lose all this time I.

[Zach Amico]

Didn'T go out with her and it wasn't even because she. I was actually appreciative of the fact that she admitted that she had herpes because I know for a fact I with herpes because just the pure numbers of it. It's like one out of three chicks or one out of four chicks. But she was honest and I was like okay, maybe I'll go out with her still. But it just. She wasn't hot enough.

[Jeff Dye]

Some other factors made you not have sex.

[Zach Amico]

Some other factors terse I had a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Chick tell me she had herpes but it was like while I was had a hard on right before I was.

[Jeff Dye]

Gonna her why'd she wait till then?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because there was no way I could stop at that point. Yeah. And I her slowly but this is.

[Zach Amico]

A wild thing that you can do to your friends.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It worked. Didn't get on it. No friction.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, can we do this to somebody on the show could listen to Ralph.

[Ari Shafir]

Did you try and her without touching the sides.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like the guy reaching into that operation Oper. Yeah like operation that's better like Steve.

[Ari Shafir]

Irwin putting his head in a crocodile's mouth.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, can we prank how's that going.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

With finding out this manager still working on it.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank small batch cigar for being a supporter of the show. We love small batch cigar because they are simple, they're fast and they give you cigars in small batches. Truly the best website to order cigars from. If you're a cigar aficionado or if you're new to smoking cigars. They got you covered. They have actually a great section on the website which is their new selection section. So you guys can check out all their brand new selections. All of the brands that you know and love and genuinely, just great customer service as well, which is amazing.

[Ari Shafir]

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[Zach Amico]

Very, very great company. We love them, they support us. We're going to be a discount. All you got to do is go to smallbatch cigar.com use the promo code GAS10. You're going to get 10 off your order plus 5% rewards points, free shipping on every order. Once Again, small batch cigar.com is the website. All right, where were we? So who should we tell?

[Jeff Dye]

One time.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

One time.

[Jeff Dye]

Super easy. Yeah. One time I just took some pills. Look at this. I didn't like how casual. My doctor.

[Zach Amico]

So I'm. I'm like crazy. So I think regularly that I have aids. Every disease.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So what I did one time, I was just crazy. I was cheating on a girl and I was. I just. I felt my dick. I was like, dude, there's something wrong with my dick. I just. Good. Right before I go for my annual checkup, I always start thinking that I have everything.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And the tip of my dick was numb. For some reason inside of my head, I know this is just in my head.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Someone's talking about it.

[Zach Amico]

And I. My dick was ringing. So I. I went to like an online, like, doctor, almost like BetterHelp for STDs. And they prescribed me whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

My balls are hot, my son's mad.

[Zach Amico]

I. I ended up going to like, just do, you know, doing a questionnaire. And then they were like. I was like, yeah, my ips. When I burn my addict, my discharge is yellow. I named all the things. I lied. And then they gave me the, you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Know, we gotta say, you know, antibiotic.

[Zach Amico]

Antibiotics.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a. My partner has been diagnosed with whatever that disease is.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Say I'd like to get tested, but I'm also going out of town for the next two months.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So I need the pills now before the test comes back.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I'm going to my doctor tomorrow just because. To be. Why not?

[Jeff Dye]

I don't want to infect all of Spain. Can you give me the antibiotic now? No, but I did. My doctor literally was like. He's like, that's nothing, man. Take these pills and don't have sex for a few Weeks. And also, if you. If you want, you could just ignore it. It'll go away.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What?

[Zach Amico]

And I was like, chlamydia won't go away. Chlamydia will go away. No, this is. This one. Mycoplasma genitalium, which I never even heard of.

[Ari Shafir]

I've never heard of that.

[Zach Amico]

Look that up. They say it goes away on its own, too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So I make your microplasma, but not.

[Jeff Dye]

He literally made it sound like if I just neglected it and didn't have sex with anyone, that it would be fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I want comedy.

[Zach Amico]

Usually you had the funniest doctor on the planet.

[Jeff Dye]

I know. He was like, two. Casual, like a bro.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he was. Your doctor was a prank monster.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He came in, he goes, first of all, dabs.

[Jeff Dye]

But also, it was like. I was like, you have the antibiotics. Just give me those. Like, what do you mean?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You don't want to do that for, like, a week.

[Ari Shafir]

Slaps you on the back. We're gonna call you dick Snot.

[Jeff Dye]

You were way too casual with me.

[Zach Amico]

Your Ashton Kutcher was dressed up as your doctor. You were unpunged. He was like, watch. He's gonna give it to everybody.

[Jeff Dye]

Rob Low from Dr. Vegas.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Here's what I say.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

If you're pissing two directions more than once in a row, you have something.

[Zach Amico]

Well, that happened to me recently, too. I did the. The. This spray. You think that's a thing?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Is that. Is that a thing?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you do it once. It's like you left a little semen in your tube, but you do it twice. This. That should be.

[Zach Amico]

But as I'm talking about it. And now. Now I'm feeling my dick, like, feeling weird. Just as I thought.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm crazy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You really. I. I'm up with it. But I did the honest thing. I literally both girls. I texted right away, and I was like, hey, just so you know, I got the sex. I was like, I think it's. It's probably one of my friends pranking me. But just so you know. And they both laughed about it. I was like, all right, good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They both laughed about you whores. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I've never heard of microplasm.

[Zach Amico]

Look up, Michael. Mycoplasma pain or burning when you're in any discharge from the urethra. Itching of the penis. My balls are always itchy. Pain in the testicles. Redness around the opening of the urethra. Anal pain. Whoa.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Anal pain or discharge? Well, I have discharged from my anus every day. Every day.

[Zach Amico]

And Abdominal pain. Many people with M. Gen don't have symptoms.

[Jeff Dye]

Mj that pisses me off. Know.

[Zach Amico]

But Shannon, does it say it can go away on its own? Cuz do I need to even waste my time going to the doctor tomorrow?

[Jeff Dye]

Well, if you want to have sex, you should.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I'm going. I'm going.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Get your cholesterol tested while you're there.

[Zach Amico]

I'm getting my testosterone tested again when I'm there.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think you're fine on that.

[Zach Amico]

No, it was. It was the lower end of the spectrum.

[Jeff Dye]

No, he needs to check. It's too high.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You're on the spectrum.

[Zach Amico]

You will need antibiotics. Yes, if you. But no. Shannon, does it go away on its own? Say, does it go away, it says.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Can only be cured with a course of prescribed antibiotics.

[Zach Amico]

No, but she said, do you need antibiotics? It's a very pointed question. Yes, you do. But if you say, will it go away on its own?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I love. I love entering a different Google search.

[Zach Amico]

To find the right answer.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It can only go out of this.

[Zach Amico]

That's what I do. With ChatGPT. I was. I was trying to get Chat GPT to admit that people from Africa have a lower IQ. It took me 24 minutes to admit to get them to. I had to literally go with a specific country. I had to go with another country in Europe. And I was like, by all facts and figures, do people from Zimbabwe have.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Higher ideas than whites in America?

[Jeff Dye]

He is pretty woke.

[Zach Amico]

They're super woke.

[Ari Shafir]

They're like, if I was a disgraced radio host who had to move to South Carolina, dude, I'm telling you.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. Can sometimes clear up on its own, but usually.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, there you go. It keeps saying sometimes, which also is fishy. Fishy.

[Zach Amico]

That's what it smells like.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, sometimes. Oh, usually like, we're trying to get hard facts here.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So we'll see what happens. But what a great prank that is. We should do it to Big J.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Somebody did it to me once and it really was like so worrisome for a while. I've tested Dr. Like, no.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And she's like, let me see that thing. And I showed her. She's like, I don't even know what this is. And I'm like, it's just too easy.

[Zach Amico]

To prank somebody with it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I meant to do it to you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is so long ago and I just never got around to it.

[Jeff Dye]

It seems like you were the first.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Guy I thought of. I know you're probably dating someone now and probably have taken other.

[Zach Amico]

Ruin my week. Ruin my Week completely. It's like, this one. Being single is great because it didn't ruin my week. Literally was like, all right, let's be honest with these girls. And I'll like. But if I had a girlfriend that I was cheating on, it would. I'd have to come up with excuses why I didn't want to her three times a night.

[Jeff Dye]

It is one of those pranks that once you get the results back that you're fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

You'll be so elated with joy that you're like, oh, good prank.

[Zach Amico]

Solid prank. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Because you're happy about it because it doesn't hurt you.

[Zach Amico]

I didn't tell Jay. Shannon, put Jay's number in, please, and make it chlamydia.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, let's do that.

[Zach Amico]

Put Jay's number and make it chlamydia. I want to see. I want to see how sad he is tonight when I see him.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Zach Amico]

How much he's freaking out tonight.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let me do it. Let's see if he brings it up.

[Zach Amico]

He'll never bring it up. No way.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He won't bring it up. No way.

[Zach Amico]

I. Dude, I almost didn't text these girls, but I was like, no, I have to. I'm 42 years old. I have to be an adult.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You told me once. I was like, I got chlamydia. And I was like, I gotta text all these different. I was, like, slinging it at the time. I was really. Jeff. Dying it out there. And I was like, yeah. And you're like, like, why? Why do you have to text them? Like, because that's the right thing to do. People have. He goes. Lewis goes, how many times you had sex without a condom? Like, I don't know. A thousand? And he goes, how many times you've gotten any call or text from a woman saying. Or any disease? I was like, not once.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do you think none of them has ever, within a year of you, gotten any disease like these?

[Zach Amico]

They're sluts. They're pigs.

[Shannon]

Do you want to look at the list before you choose what you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. Let's see.

[Zach Amico]

Let's see. Where's mine?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Crab.

[Zach Amico]

The only reason, Michael. Genitalium. The only reason I think it could be real is because that's such a random thing that I've never even heard of. That's why.

[Ari Shafir]

That might be why they picked it, though.

[Zach Amico]

But it also, like, I was going into the sauna at the gym when I got the text.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a good way to treat it.

[Zach Amico]

And just create warm moisture yeah, dude.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I can't go HIV or herpes.

[Zach Amico]

No, that's too much. That's. That's too obvious.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I say chlamydia.

[Jeff Dye]

Chlamydia's got to be it.

[Zach Amico]

Chlamydia is the one.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

So common.

[Zach Amico]

Next. Oh, God. Shannon. What the. Are you kidding me?

[Shannon]

It's going to be off right after.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Jeff Dye]

She's got twice second prank.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon.

[Jeff Dye]

Two pranks in a row.

[Shannon]

You have to put.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, Shannon, Shannon, Shannon.

[Shannon]

You have to put in your phone number after.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

Do I just put, like, a 555 number? It says they added this step to prevent people from misusing the site.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You can put in. You can put in my. Oh, I don't. I know what I'm going to put in. Put in my number that got docs in Los Angeles after the Kobe thing. My old number.

[Zach Amico]

There's no rewinding, right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Three, two, three.

[Shannon]

Hold on.

[Zach Amico]

No, Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Three two, three, two one, 78044. This guy. They doxed me after the Kobe thing, but they doxed my old number. So this guy, who's probably a Laker fan, got a thousand death threats.

[Jeff Dye]

It's gonna.

[Shannon]

It has to send a code. Ah, so maybe this is real, Louis.

[Zach Amico]

It has. Well, no. They would take the code.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Why wouldn't they take the code? Thank God they can't rewind. Shannon, you are. Well now. This is. This isn't going to be on demand for another two hours, and now everyone's gonna be pissed off that this great show is not on demand. Shannon, how would you know that it's.

[Shannon]

Gonna show the number?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How is she gonna know?

[Zach Amico]

What'd you say?

[Shannon]

How would I know it was gonna show the number?

[Zach Amico]

You could have just assumed.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I agree with her insanity.

[Zach Amico]

Ready?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Gotta pay these people.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, you gotta pay them less.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's why. That's why we don't get good presidents. They only make 200 grand a year.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, you doxed Jay. Now I'm docking your pay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You've been doxed.

[Zach Amico]

You've been doxed. Mantis in the race for life, just says, hi, I'm Shannon. I doxed Jay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

One time. I. I told Louis I was texting with Lewis, and I was like, if you. You. If you say, I don't know, he's talking. It's like, if you say that again, I'm deleting you from my phone. And then you. You did it again, and I deleted you for phone. And then I took a screenshot of the whole thing and saying, like, so it no longer says Louis J. Gomez. It just has a phone number.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And then I posted it and. And lo. Like, that's my phone number, you moron. Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Whenever he's doing something sincerely nice to, he has to explain to me that it's not a prank. He asked for my address the other day. He's like, dude, don't worry, it's not for. I was like, what would you do with my dress? You'd give it out to the masses.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, that's great.

[Jeff Dye]

I did on our podcast, there's somebody. He had funny driver's license photos and I just kept showing his driver's license on the thing. He's like, what are you doing? I was like, I don't know. I was just trying to show the picture.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

My Social Security number's on there. My address. No, good point. Good point though. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

I forgot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Jeff Dye]

I was bragging about his picture, you know?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So anyway, so I feel like the sauna. I can't do it anymore. I think I have to just get an at home sauna. You could buy them for a couple thousand dollars.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Five grand. You have a backyard.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

To it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Five grand for a nice one.

[Jeff Dye]

But a steam room. Do you steam or.

[Zach Amico]

I like to steam more than sauna.

[Jeff Dye]

Me too.

[Zach Amico]

But you can build one in your shower. You can build in your shower pretty easily, actually.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Build the steam room in your shower.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. You have to have your shower enclosed. And then they put like a little pipe, then run the hot. No, no.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah. I don't know if you want to do that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I do that in every. Every hotel I'm in. I do a makeshift steam sit on the toilet. It.

[Zach Amico]

That's a steam room.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Smoke cigarettes.

[Zach Amico]

It's terrible.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What do you mean smoke cigarettes?

[Zach Amico]

110 degrees.

[Jeff Dye]

Smoking cigarettes and steam. I Yesterday should be opposed.

[Zach Amico]

Yesterday I went to a new burger spot in Jersey. Shout out to 8020 burger. So good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, I've been there. I got food poisoning for them. Them. I hope they die.

[Zach Amico]

Their brand. They opened up last week.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Week. I know. I got it on Tuesday.

[Zach Amico]

They were phenomenal. Where's your favorite burger in the city?

[Jeff Dye]

I'm the worst at these kind of things.

[Zach Amico]

You're not. You're not a burger guy.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm just not a foodie guy.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

At all. And coffee.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And I like Royale the worst Royale. Well, I've been to C. Pretty great.

[Zach Amico]

I never been there.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're really great.

[Zach Amico]

Blue 9 burger. Used to be the best in New York City.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Black Mark. Black. Black. What is It. Black something burger. Black market burger. Black.

[Jeff Dye]

Popular.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's delicious.

[Jeff Dye]

I had Chick Fil A for the first time. Like, last, like, month when I was in New York. I never even had Chick Fil A.

[Zach Amico]

It's solid.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did it help you find Jesus?

[Jeff Dye]

That's fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did it have no effect whatsoever on your. On your Jesus or homosexuality?

[Jeff Dye]

No. Although I also hate gays, so it worked perfect.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was fine. So many gays in line in LA with like. With, like, costumes on because they really wanted a Chick fil A. I love.

[Jeff Dye]

That they think that Chick Fil a doesn't like gay people just. Just because it's Christian.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Which is the most. What a leap.

[Ari Shafir]

I think it's because they donate specifically to conversion therapy or something.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, but they stopped doing it. They stopped doing it the leap because they were Christian.

[Ari Shafir]

No, it was. They donated specifically to something, but they stopped donating.

[Zach Amico]

There was another burger spot in Jersey, or maybe it's a sandwich. But look this up. They have a Proud Boy Burger. They're apologizing right now.

[Ari Shafir]

They didn't know what it meant.

[Zach Amico]

It's. But literally every single cried, pull up the Proud Boy Burger. It was. It was literally with like. Like, let's see what's on it. White American cheese, onion ring, layers of truth, Brazilian pickles.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, they knew what they were.

[Zach Amico]

Freedom fries, Coleslaw and liberty sauce. It sounds phenomenal. It sounds like a delicious burger. And they got. Now they're issuing apologies, being like, we had no idea.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, shut up. Right there. You had it.

[Jeff Dye]

A rainbow bun. Pride, boys.

[Ari Shafir]

You smash burgers with George Floyd.

[Zach Amico]

They put their.

[Ari Shafir]

They put their knee on the burger.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We put the knee in burger.

[Jeff Dye]

That'd be good. Fentanyl burger.

[Zach Amico]

Yesterday I. I had a. I. The whole weekend. I was kind of like, I wasn't going crazy. I brought myself to a steakhouse on Friday night. I had a little piece of bread, felt very guilty. Then I went to the best sushi spot in New York City.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What?

[Zach Amico]

On Saturday night with my son and his mother.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What's the sushi spot?

[Zach Amico]

It's called Sushi by scratch. There's one in Austin as well. Did you use one in New York?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Phenomenal.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. It was good.

[Zach Amico]

How good is that place?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And I couldn't have the bone marrow because I had just been bitten by a bunch of tick Mites. Baby tick. So you can't. You get an alpha gal, say I was on antibiotics for a week, and.

[Zach Amico]

You can't have the bone marrow when you're on antibiotics.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You can have any beef, or you'll be allergic to meat forever.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, no.

[Jeff Dye]

So you send a text for that. Hey, you got ticks. That would scare me more than anything. I got ticks.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So they're serving, and they're like, all right, everybody. When they got to that one, they're like, and this is the bone marrow, one of our specialties.

[Zach Amico]

It's the one. It's the one that, like, everyone's like, this is what you come for.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

For those of you who were hiking for no reason in Montauk, here's a piece of raw fish.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Oh, they. They said you rubbed it in.

[Jeff Dye]

What is the bone marrow if you never had it? I've never had it. What is so good?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they. They scrape the inside of a bone out. It looks like it's gonna be disgusting. It's phenomenal. And they made a piece of sushi with that. They sear it really, really good. Shout out to sushi by scratch. Philip is the man. They didn't charge me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They didn't charge you?

[Jeff Dye]

Sounds like something from Bone Toma.

[Zach Amico]

It would have been.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So they charged me, but I assumed it was a mistake and walked out.

[Zach Amico]

Did he set up the reservation for you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but they put a bill down, and I was like, I'm going to the bathroom.

[Jeff Dye]

You're kidding.

[Zach Amico]

And I walked right out.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You walked out and didn't pay that dude? I'm ar. Shafir. You know goddamn well I don't pay for shit.

[Jeff Dye]

It's ridiculous.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know goddamn well I don't pay for shit.

[Jeff Dye]

You're rich, dude.

[Zach Amico]

It was. I went with Tim Dillon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's how I got rich.

[Zach Amico]

Jeff walking out on Bill Shannon. Give you another coffee? I. With the flavored creamer, please. I went to the one. I went to the one in Austin with Tim Dillon, and it was phenomenal. And then Phil was like, yo, there's the one. We have one in New York. We just opened up. It's so good. And I. I was trying to be keto until Jamaica, but I was like, I got a reservation there. Let me go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He was Jamaican. You're hungry.

[Zach Amico]

And then yesterday, I was just like, it. I'm making it a whole weekend. And I was like, I'm the mood for a burger. And I found this 80:20 burger, and it was just. Just juicy and just. Just greasy. Oh, I love a burger. I'm so hungry right now.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm gonna eat a real. I'm gonna commit to eating a real thing.

[Zach Amico]

What are you gonna. Where Are you gonna go?

[Jeff Dye]

I don't know. Give me a. I'll text you where to go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I have no.

[Zach Amico]

I. I have some good recommendations. Are you taking. Are you taking a checkout?

[Jeff Dye]

No, just gonna.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What neighborhood do you live in? Are you staying?

[Jeff Dye]

I'm staying in. Just Manhattan. Times Square.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay. That area. Damn.

[Zach Amico]

Times Square.

[Jeff Dye]

No, I literally just order from, like, the place.

[Zach Amico]

I'm gonna text you. And Ralph Sutton, my business partner, he's like a major foodie. He's gonna set you up with something.

[Jeff Dye]

Food.

[Zach Amico]

Got to start enjoying your food. It's the one thing in the world that I think is worth to spend money on. It's like a memory.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Can you eat a chlamydia infected cow?

[Jeff Dye]

Do. Can cows get chlamydia?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Can.

[Zach Amico]

I think I'm the one to answer this, Ari. They don't know that you're pointing at the screen. Just wants to use his ju powers to make the screen go to what he wants it to be. You have to say something. Can clouds get chlamydia?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Shame.

[Zach Amico]

Morning.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's getting me coffee.

[Zach Amico]

I know. Like, koala bears can, right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, they say that?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's how chlamydia started. A koala bear.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Koala bears must hate the Internet because that's what everyone talks about.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

When we're known for more than that.

[Zach Amico]

We also are cute. Yes. Cows can get chlamydia. A common infection. Can range from subclinical to acute disease. Wow. It's just the gen. If you're eating a cow, you could probably catch it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's better.

[Zach Amico]

Thank you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's too much oat milk. Send it back.

[Jeff Dye]

You know your old joke, Ari, when you say, if you don't know what a Jew looks like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Because of that joke, whenever I'm like, describing, I don't know why I'd be describing a Jew, but, like, I think of your image like, I didn't know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What a Jew looks like. I have a friend, Ari.

[Jeff Dye]

I got some really white friends. What's a Jew look like?

[Zach Amico]

All right, let's thank Yo Kratom for supporting today's show. We love Yo Kratom, the marquee sponsors for Skank Fest for the fifth year in a row. Marquee sponsor, really? For everything here at Gas Digital. Great dudes, great company, and great prices. $60 for a kilo of kratom. I'm not telling you to get into Kratom. We're saying if you're already using Kratom and you know the benefits of it. Get it from yocratum.com.

[Ari Shafir]

That'S right. Stop going to smoke shops, gas stations, or bodegas and get a little bit of kratom at a time. And then you don't even really know what it is when you go to yocratum.com where they have the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at the network.

[Zach Amico]

YoCrom.com home of the $60 cue, though. All right, where were we? Yeah. Well, anyway, I ate. I ate two burgers, fries, onion rings. They have homemade cookies in this place? God damn it. It was good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And then Zach's like, that's a good start.

[Ari Shafir]

Nope, I had 7th Street Burger.

[Zach Amico]

7Th Street Burger.

[Jeff Dye]

You're a foodie guy now.

[Ari Shafir]

I like cheap. I'm.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, I'm a garbage.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm a bum.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he's not a foodie guy. He's a food guy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He likes good food.

[Jeff Dye]

Just food meditate is great.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, garbage tastes.

[Jeff Dye]

McDonald's is phenomenal.

[Zach Amico]

You think so?

[Jeff Dye]

I love it.

[Zach Amico]

I would never waste my time at McDonald's.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was a soda at an LCD sound system concert, and he had. Take a delivery McDonald's that day and had to leave before the. Before the encore. Diarrhea. Why are you eating that? Sort of.

[Zach Amico]

What's going on, Philly? They're in the super bowl, so now they're acting like lunatics.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do you see that one? That guy yelling at an opposite fan? He goes. She's like, you're being very disrespectful.

[Jeff Dye]

This guy rules.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hold on. Oh, I left my photo.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, and I'm sure she could find it, but they're like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're.

[Zach Amico]

They're destroying the city, right? They're jumping on top of cop cars and breaking shit. You're like, guys, you won.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's what they do. That's not even the super bowl yet.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, no, they're just in the Super Bowl. Yeah, but what a trash city. Because I.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Trash, bro. Philly is trash. I love it. It's trash.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like they should only be able to stay in Philly. Like, they shouldn't be able to leave.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Pan down. Pan down.

[Jeff Dye]

Also, who was she? What was she wearing?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Opposite team. She's trying to have a real conversation with a drunk. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah. That guy's gone.

[Zach Amico]

It's like. It's like when white guys argue with the. The black Israelites on Union Square, A.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Modicum of respect would go up a long way towards solving. Go. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

That's amazing.

[Ari Shafir]

The fact that they had to grease the polls is so funny regardless, win or lose, because people are going to climb up.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. There was one guy who climbed up on top of the thing and he's shaking the signs and you're like, this guy. You're praying that he falls to his death. That's all I want to see has happened. What a city.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Well, at least they're getting the reputation for being that fan base.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Their best food is fake cheese.

[Zach Amico]

What, the cheese whiz?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I mean, that's a solid. A solid cheese. I don't really get the fake cheese on the cheesesteak, though. I'll get it with, like, the white American real. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Proud boy.

[Zach Amico]

Proud boy.

[Jeff Dye]

What's the worst fan base? Yankees fans.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, no.

[Jeff Dye]

Worse fans.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We're decent.

[Zach Amico]

Chris Delia fans.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, no. The Raiders fans are pretty Bronx fans.

[Jeff Dye]

A bunch of.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, they don't start fights. Dodgers fans stab people.

[Jeff Dye]

Right. I'm not saying. I'm not defending them. They suck, too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Dodgers fans are worse.

[Jeff Dye]

Mets fans. Mets fans are not great.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Not great, but.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but they're not starting.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Raiders fans are the worst.

[Zach Amico]

Mets fans are just losers.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like, just like. Just like bandwagon people.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Philly fans. Rough. Probably the rough.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Good fans.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. They're just.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, they're the quickest to turn Philly right.

[Jeff Dye]

Just trying. They're the ones that threw batteries at Santa base.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Through batteries.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I don't really. I don't really watch sports, so I don't really. I can't tell you what other fan bases are terrible.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think it's. I've thought about it. It's Raiders fans.

[Jeff Dye]

You think Raiders. They don't even have a city anymore.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, they don't. So maybe the Vegas will clean up.

[Zach Amico]

Aren't they in Vegas?

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, but I'm saying, like, that core fan base where the guy dressed like a monkey and the guy has spikes and they want to fight each other.

[Zach Amico]

It's a morning show.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Every time I see a Raiders jersey, I'm like, monkey.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Shannon, can you Google guy dressed like a monkey and. But only put it up when you find the one that you should put up.

[Zach Amico]

Don't. Yeah. And don't put up Big J's number in the meantime either. Psycho. I'm lucky that all of our fans are just on Kratom in the morning and they were like, oh, is this numbers open? We also. I want to know what you guys think of this. Have you seen the Bill Burr, Billy Corgan thing? You think it's fake.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, I think it's real.

[Zach Amico]

I think it's real because I am.

[Jeff Dye]

The wrestling fan that goes, is this real? This has got to be real. I fall for every work.

[Zach Amico]

Pull up their faces. I think each other and then pull up the actual video.

[Jeff Dye]

I don't think Bill Burr is that good of an actor. He's sitting there.

[Zach Amico]

I agree.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, you're an uncomfortable.

[Zach Amico]

He rubs his hands on the thing. There's like his body language. It just. Whatever it is. And then when you see their faces, you're like, oh, yeah, I can see that. Look at their faces, dude.

[Jeff Dye]

This has been a big come up for Billy Corgan.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Pan up until you get to.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, if they both weren't bald.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Pan up a little until you get to.

[Jeff Dye]

I think they look similar.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Up, Up. Yeah, up right there.

[Ari Shafir]

One of them just has big Js.

[Zach Amico]

I think they look alike.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Different. Completely different noses, the way.

[Jeff Dye]

Different ears to each other. Well, these two images are different angles, different eyes. No, Bill's looking up a little, barely.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is. They look different. That's crazy. Different nose.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't think it's real because they said that their dad was a traveling salesman. And I feel like that's the outward music. Wouldn't we know that about Bill Burr's dad?

[Jeff Dye]

Not if he wasn't famous.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He was adopted or something. Maybe somebody else raised.

[Ari Shafir]

I feel like we've heard a million stories about Bilber having a regular blue collar upbringing. So we would know if his dad was a traveling musician.

[Jeff Dye]

His dad wasn't a good traveling musician. And Bill's talked about it multiple times that his dad was like such an. That he doesn't want to talk about him much. Like it's all therapy for him really.

[Zach Amico]

So what happened was, I guess Billy Corgan went on Howie Mandel's podcast and told a story about how him and Bill Barr are essentially estranged. Half brothers.

[Jeff Dye]

According to Billy Corgan's mom.

[Zach Amico]

According to Billy Corgan's mom. And then Howie Mandel brings Bill Burr on his podcast. And then Billy Corgan comes out and surprises him. Pull up the video, Shannon. Billy Corrigan.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hold on, hold on. Pause this for a second. This is a work and they're trying to get us to talk about it.

[Zach Amico]

Sure.

[Jeff Dye]

I don't think so.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Lame. Move on.

[Ari Shafir]

He's wearing the shirt.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a clear work and it fucking sucks.

[Zach Amico]

I don't watch the way he reacts.

[Jeff Dye]

Tacky.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And it's lame. Cut it off, Shannon. I don't want to do it. Cut the off. Cut it off for all these.

[Zach Amico]

You are my. You are my employer.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is dumb and lame and I don't want to talk about it. Cut it off. No, this sucks. It's a sucky thing that every podcast has talked about already.

[Zach Amico]

Have they talked about it already? Nobody's talked about this.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is how they promote now.

[Jeff Dye]

Did all things comedy get to you too? What's happening over here?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Throw me out.

[Zach Amico]

What if Ari is their father as well?

[Jeff Dye]

You got you under contract. Suspension. Gunfire.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Cut it off. Move on.

[Zach Amico]

Just watch Billy Corey.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't want Billboard's body language so sucky. Move it on. This sucks. This is lame.

[Ari Shafir]

This is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Sorry.

[Zach Amico]

He didn't tell you. He told me you were, quote, totally.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Cool with me coming.

[Jeff Dye]

That's what he does.

[Zach Amico]

Look at their faces, dude.

[Jeff Dye]

So then, like, look at their faces or.

[Zach Amico]

No, I can. They look so much alike right there.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You told me Bill was just the balls.

[Zach Amico]

No, I'll do it.

[Jeff Dye]

Like, did you ever think the fact that I never told that story?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Literally every single podcast has done this already. It's so dumb. I've already been on four podcasts where they've talked about this.

[Zach Amico]

All right, fine. Forget it then. Fine. We don't want to do it for Ori, we'll do it on tomorrow show.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, get hacky tomorrow.

[Zach Amico]

I'll get hacky tomorrow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Their dumb hack move they're doing over there.

[Ari Shafir]

You should say it's your dad, too.

[Zach Amico]

Why not?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he's wearing the shirt of the wrestling company he owns in the video.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Who?

[Zach Amico]

Billy Corgan.

[Ari Shafir]

Billy Corgan?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. He fought the NWA Player work. Yeah, maybe it is, Maybe it is, but it's a fun story. It's still fun.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Me and you are related, too. I set the hitman to your dad.

[Zach Amico]

Ari hates this story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I hate it. It's so dumb.

[Zach Amico]

Hates this story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's so. Been overshot already.

[Jeff Dye]

Protect Bill Burr at all Years ago.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Thing to do.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And now everyone's like, oh, yeah, but it's.

[Zach Amico]

Bill Burr's not that guy. He's a bit guy. I don't know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's not doing it well.

[Zach Amico]

Ari will not give the time it takes. He's so pissed. Even his dog looks depressed now. Oh, all right, let's. Let's do plugs real quick. We got a lot of time here. We're killing it. We're doing a great job here. Ari's bummed. All right. What are you plugging? Obviously the new special America, sweetheart on Netflix. Very funny.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's buddy. It's on Netflix right now. Just watch it all the way to the end. The Closers, which you should watch, especially the darkest one. And I'm on tour right now. The Farewell tour. Brea, Nashville, Tampa, San Jose, Denver, Atlanta, Seattle.

[Zach Amico]

You're gone for a while after that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Gone for six straight weeks after this. And then I leave. I'm not touring again until 27. So these are the last dates to see me. Whatever's on my website. Some Canada, some Florida. Let's go.

[Zach Amico]

Canada's great. Canada rules for touring.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh my God.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're so cool. And the chicks are sluts.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Well, that's probably where I got this sex message from.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, they don't have disease up there.

[Jeff Dye]

Jeff Dye, last cowboy in LA on YouTube. Jeff die.com youm can see where I'm touring. I'm also coming to Denver next week. Going all over. I have the most tour dates out of anybody. I literally never stop.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah. Hilarious.

[Ari Shafir]

Zach Amico February 14th and 15th, Worcester, Massachusetts for Juggalo weekend. I'm going to be doing commentary for Juggalo championship wrestling. Come hang out.

[Zach Amico]

Come see me on tour. The Bring five Friends tour. Don't come alone. Bring five friends coming to a city near you. Next weekend I'll be at rumors, Winnipeg, February 6th through 8th. February 21st and 22nd, I'll be at Wise Guys, Salt Lake City. And then my march has a bunch of dates that are just not on my website yet. But keep on checking back for those. I forget where it's gonna be, but Philadelphia's coming up, San Diego's coming up up. Houston, Texas, Fort Collins, Colorado and many more. Make sure you guys subscribe to the gas digital network, gasdigital.com you get thousands of hours of on demand content ad free and uncensored. This is the number one reason to subscribe. If you guys want to go through the history of the Legion of Skanks, history of Lewis and Zach. Real last podcast. All of my podcasts are uncensored and ad free there. If you guys hate watching censored podcasts on YouTube, this is the way to get them. Pre release live streams. Access to the racist live chat as well. Omega, don't be a dick. Oh, Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's gone.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, I'm here. Is Omega posting the number?

[Shannon]

He's. It looks like he blurred it.

[Zach Amico]

Omega, don't be a dick, bro.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's an easy move. Omega, it's hacky. Anyone could do it. There's no second level to it. What you're doing is not interesting.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's fake. Oh, thank God it's fake. Jesus Christ.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There's a second level. I take it back.

[Zach Amico]

I was about to rule. I was about to. I was about to, like, suspend him. Now give it Omega.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Take it back. You rule.

[Zach Amico]

That was great.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You got him hard.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, mega. Oh, my God. H. I mean, it would be Shannon. It's all on Shannon, but I think Jay would take it out on me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, because like. What? Shannon didn't bring me up?

[Zach Amico]

No. No, she didn't. Yeah. Make sure you guys subscribe to Gas Digital. It really is the number one way to support the show. Thousands of hours, plus a bonus Lewis and Zachary Friday. Bonus Legion of Skanks every Friday that you can't get anywhere else. Plus, yeah, also, if you guys love me, you want to hear more? Me, I do a solo podcast every Friday. It comes out every Friday morning. It's called the Lewis Journal Podcast. It's just me talking about life. Go to my website, LewisofSkanks.com you get my tickets for my tour there. But you could also subscribe to my mailing list. That is the only way to get that podcast. It's just for people that are subscribing to my newsletter. And yeah, check out the regs, story wars, and obviously the legendary Legion of Skanks. Anywhere you guys find podcasts sick. Let's see. Iraq approves child marriages for girls as young as nine years old.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's about right.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah. Nine years old marriages.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Nice. US Government. Way to fucking.

[Zach Amico]

Way to drop the ball.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Way to help. Help in the world. Us, we light it to the nations. We have to go help people at all times.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. What is this? There's nothing else about this, Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How hot are they?

[Zach Amico]

How hot are these kids?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How hot are these nine year olds? I don't know everything about Iraq.

[Shannon]

So basically, it's a new rock hard that allows religious authorities to have.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I.

[Zach Amico]

Rock hard. I didn't mind.

[Shannon]

Allows religious authorities to have more power over what happens in family affairs. And so depending on, like, which religious sect they fall into is the age that this is going to apply. So like, for. For a certain group it's 15. For another group, it's nine years old.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I could see if she has her period. That should be the age of consent. Should be when they start bleeding down there. Is that crazy?

[Jeff Dye]

She's a woman now.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

She can get married.

[Zach Amico]

She's got. In God's eyes, she's ready to fucking also.

[Jeff Dye]

Couldn't you just say it for her? No, no, no, she's the religion.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I saw her underwear. Yeah, yeah, she's a Catholic.

[Jeff Dye]

Don't ask her. I'll tell you. She's that religion that we can marry now.

[Zach Amico]

My son said this to me last night. He was like, dad. He was like, you know, people talk about like America, like we treat women badly. He was like, but you should see what they're doing in the Middle East. I was like, where are you learning this?

[Jeff Dye]

Your son's smart.

[Zach Amico]

He's 12.

[Jeff Dye]

Listen to my comments.

[Zach Amico]

Maybe Jeff Dicey rules. I follow Jeff Dye on Twitter and this is what he talks about.

[Jeff Dye]

We're the only country that's working on all this.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, dude.

[Jeff Dye]

With the most ethical.

[Zach Amico]

18.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's crazy late.

[Ari Shafir]

Somebody this week because somebody else's ID is going to have the wrong letter next to gender. And meanwhile we're marrying off nine year.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Olds in other countries.

[Jeff Dye]

Do you know we're the only country that like works on racism? Every. Every other country's just racist. Yeah, we're just don't care.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We're just playing as it was.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, but it was. It kind of feels like it's one step forward, two steps back with the racism lately, you know what I'm saying? We. It felt great.

[Ari Shafir]

That's what I do when I see a black guy across the street.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, when I was growing up, racism before the Internet, racism just so it. I guess the nation was more racist, but it was like you still had to like deal with repercussions for being racist. So nobody was really outwardly racist. You kind of was like, ah, in your own home, you have the conversations. But now, because people could just have like profile. They could have a fake profile. You can say whatever the fuck you want.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't even think it's racist. People, they're like, what's going to make most people mad?

[Jeff Dye]

Right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And it's not going to be funny. Yeah, it's not gonna be. These streets need paving.

[Zach Amico]

I think that there is a lot of funny out there. But I will say, guys, I do think racism is back pretty powerfully right now.

[Jeff Dye]

I think in my circles it's like we're all just doing it to be naughty comedians, funny to be comedians.

[Zach Amico]

Or it's different.

[Jeff Dye]

What he just said. It's just funny.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Then people go. But then it bleeds through to their real life. Yeah, I don't think so.

[Zach Amico]

I don't think so either. But I do think that there are a certain sect of people that are very comfortable being dirty and smelly. And those are black people, orthodox oh, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Acidic juice.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. See, there we go. Poor baby James. He's being raised.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

James?

[Zach Amico]

Yes, Baby James. When he's an actual baby.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

9 years old. I do know in some, like, Amazonian type type countries, they'll marry kids at like, three or four, but they don't them until they start.

[Zach Amico]

Until they bleed?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So it's like they help raise their wives.

[Zach Amico]

Well, that was like in Game of Thrones. She was like. She's waiting for her first bleeding, right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And then she's trying to hide it for a while. Yeah, I don't want to. Joffrey. It's like, listen.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Your job, marriage really isn't just about sex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know, they don't act like you didn't want this the whole time. Oh, he's a bad guy.

[Zach Amico]

That's what they like. That's what women like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So, yeah, that's pretty wild. Shannon, does anybody.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Shannon, when did you first have sex?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, when'd you lose your virginity?

[Jeff Dye]

When'd you first start bleeding?

[Zach Amico]

You know, turn the sexy music on. Talk about your first bleeding.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, when's the first time you bled?

[Shannon]

So I was pretty young. I was, I think, 10.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

10?

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

During sex?

[Zach Amico]

No, she's from Staten Island. It's. They're garbage people there.

[Shannon]

From Brooklyn. And I lost my virginity. I think I was 17.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

16. You waited seven years.

[Zach Amico]

Talk to us about your first period. How'd you find out? How'd you. How'd you know it happened? You're just bleeding.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The classmates throw stuff at you and you'll plug it up.

[Shannon]

No, there was just. I saw up blood, and I was like, mom, I think it's happening.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, because you. Your mom. Your mom had a conversation with you first.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I think it's happening.

[Zach Amico]

I think it's happening.

[Jeff Dye]

Guys, you're ruining this for me. I'm all turned on.

[Zach Amico]

I think it's happening. What do you. What else could it have been, Shannon?

[Shannon]

Oh, I don't know. Something terrible. My inside's falling out.

[Zach Amico]

Do women bleed for no reason? Sometimes. If I sort of bleeding out of my dick for no reason, I would. Because people do. Guys will pee. Blood. Blood. And then there's a whole thing, like a P chart, where if you pee certain colors, like, it could mean something, and peaking at wild colors. I've never had blood in my pee, ever. I would convince myself that I'm dying.

[Jeff Dye]

Once I was in San Francisco fooling around with a girl, and blood came out of, like, the head of my dick, and I fainted because it Was just as much of a surprise for me as it was for her.

[Zach Amico]

That's.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean? Out of the head?

[Jeff Dye]

Like, so she was, like, jerking me off, and then I'm. You know, everything's going great. We're heading down the right path.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, you weren't even peeing. She just jerked you off?

[Jeff Dye]

She's just jerking me off. And then, like, a little drip of blood came out. And then she saw it, like, the Virgin Mary. Well, we both were like, what was that? And then I just, like, fainted. But I went to the doctor, and.

[Zach Amico]

He said, no more monkeys jumping on the bed.

[Jeff Dye]

Well, sometimes if you get hit in the nuts or something. Yeah, something like. And then that's just got to get out, like, a little bit of blood, a little rupture.

[Zach Amico]

I'm such a hypochondriac that I would spell it. I would convince myself that H. All the H, Y, P, O, C, H, O, N, D, R, I, C, a, C.

[Shannon]

That's correct.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Nice. Gomez. I take back my thoughts.

[Zach Amico]

Don't use words I can't spell.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, I only use words I can't. I can't spell any of these.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, sorry. Clear. A sign that the person is drinking too much water. There's no such thing as too much.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, you got to pay piss clear once a day or you're not drinking enough water.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, you gotta. My. Your. Your first pee for the day should be clear. Yesterday's pee. After this, after my burger and cookie day, I mean, it was, like, basically neon green.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let's do a test. Come in and tilt your head back, and let's all test each other's pace color.

[Zach Amico]

I had. I've had two different girls in the past year tell me or hint they wanted me to pee on them. They didn't say they wanted to be, but they brought up being peed on.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Being like, oh, do you like to pee on girls? They're like, no.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What an odd question.

[Zach Amico]

And then they were like. They're like, oh, cool. Yeah, I wouldn't like that either. It was crazy.

[Jeff Dye]

We very different girls.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, do you pee on girls or no?

[Jeff Dye]

No, I don't. Yeah, it's all, like, very vanilla.

[Zach Amico]

Well, that's the thing. You vanilla on them. That's crazy. Your shits are white. That means you're a dog.

[Jeff Dye]

No, I'm hydrated. My shit's.

[Zach Amico]

What are you, a goose? Why are you white? Dude. No, my problem. It's not even like I'm against peeing on a girl. Am I gonna pee on My mattress? Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

What's gonna happen?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No shower.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that. We've all done that to be funny. I've, like, peed on a girl's leg.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No no. Get on your knees.

[Zach Amico]

You get on her knees and you piss on her mouth.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm there with it.

[Zach Amico]

Really? You do this?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What? No. I want to though.

[Zach Amico]

Have you ever done that?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No.

[Zach Amico]

Ari, I would like to do nothing for me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You don't think I would brag about doing it? I think I have not. I have had a girl offer and just. I just never met her. Yeah, I was gonna meet her and then I just never met up with.

[Zach Amico]

So you get in the shower, she gets underneath and you just piss all over her face.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Piss all over.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, but if that turns you on. I don't know. Never mind.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What?

[Jeff Dye]

I was just thinking, if it turned me on, I'd probably be hard. And how I'm gonna pee if I'm hard.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How you gonna pee if you're hard?

[Jeff Dye]

So, like, how does. I don't get who's.

[Zach Amico]

You can pee hard.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You could be hard.

[Zach Amico]

I know they say, like the thing closes. It is tough. You just have to bend your dick down a little bit and.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta open the valve.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Kind of hurt.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta kink the hose.

[Jeff Dye]

I've done it before. It hurts.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It's not. Not perfect.

[Ari Shafir]

I had a girl tell me I could pee on her and I was like, no thanks, but I'll take a blow drop job. And then she wouldn't let me come on her tits. And I was furious.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

I was. I can't you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But not come on your.

[Ari Shafir]

I was gonna. And I said to her, I was like. I was gonna pee so much more than I'm about to come right now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is why you stop. Chicks.

[Jeff Dye]

What a negotiation too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Jeff Dye]

You want to pee on me? I'll take a blowjob.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm very matter of fact.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like, I'll wash it off with pee. How about that?

[Zach Amico]

I shot a load on my own face two days ago again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What?

[Zach Amico]

I. Sometimes I. Because I put a towel.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He came into a water gun and then.

[Zach Amico]

No, but I. I shoot onto the towel onto my own stomach and then.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hotel room.

[Zach Amico]

No, home.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Home.

[Zach Amico]

Home.

[Jeff Dye]

Home. Towels.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have. I steal them from the gym. And those are my jizz towels.

[Jeff Dye]

My gym tails. Equinox or the new one.

[Zach Amico]

That was the new one. So I lay it on my stomach, I come on it and then I. I. This is literally imagine this, right? So I have it like this, right yeah. This is my dick. Right? I go, yeah, right there on there. And then I wrap my dick with the towel like this.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Done that.

[Zach Amico]

Fold it over.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah. This guy thinks he's the Jackie Robinson of wa. Listen, we know.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You make.

[Ari Shafir]

Or coming.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, dude, we all.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We all. We've done that move, bro.

[Zach Amico]

But you wrap your drink like a burrito, and then you let it sit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

More like a schwarma. Like a sh.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, you take it out and you ask the person their favorite color.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm going to. In a shack.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

A. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

No, but it didn't hit me in the mouth. I have accidentally. Because I've been. I've been ooing while I've been jerking off. And then it shot in my mouth before, but this time my mouth was completely closed, but it literally. It went right across my face like that.

[Jeff Dye]

Apes do this on the Internet. They shoot in their own mouth. They go, what the hell? They surprise themselves.

[Zach Amico]

But it was. Sometimes if they don't jerk off for a few days, the. It'll. It'll just rip a thick, thick rope. Thick rope, yes. And I'll just hit me in my face and it hasn't happened probably in a couple years, but that was a big one. A big one.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's nice.

[Zach Amico]

And I felt. I felt good afterwards.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Oh, nice shooters.

[Zach Amico]

Wiping your face with a towel is just. I. You feel bad for women when you do it. You're like, this is degrading.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It doesn't really get it up. I see why the wetness now. Yeah. Really. It's just smearing it. If this is dry style, I'm just.

[Jeff Dye]

With fake eyelashes. Oh, God. Oh, jeez.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Zach Amico]

Oh. I didn't announce as well. Skankfest pre sale is Wednesday. If you guys are watching live Pre sale, the 29th, November 14th or 16th is gonna be New Orleans. New Orleans for the first time ever. It's gonna be a wild time. Crazy stuff happening.

[Jeff Dye]

That was so fun in Vegas. That was my first gang fest.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah. You had a good time. You got to come back out this year, dude. New Orleans is going to be. The venue we have this year is incredible.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was time to move. I'm glad it's moving, but not that anything was wrong with Vegas. It ruled, but let's take over some other cities. Just.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, let's try it somewhere else. We'll pro go back to Vegas. We love Vegas. We love that venue. We're talking about doing it on a boat. Not on a boat. I'm sorry. On a resort. I got one Dr. Mexico.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, that's not bad. I was gonna say Thailand, but doctor can work too.

[Zach Amico]

Thailand would be crazy.

[Jeff Dye]

You know what, what's that show?

[Zach Amico]

Ozarks now we're thinking about doing it in Iraq next year.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh yeah. With these babies?

[Jeff Dye]

Oh yeah, that'd be great.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Dude, I.

[Jeff Dye]

No, the Ozarks like on like.

[Ari Shafir]

And it would be skank fest n.

[Jeff Dye]

All this like people perform.

[Ari Shafir]

What a better way to celebrate.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, the Ozarks got in a pontoon boat.

[Jeff Dye]

There's no law to do a bunch of like that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's. We're. It's gonna be, it's gonna be a great time. But yeah, get those Tickets. Pre sale 1pm on Wednesday. We'll be on the air when it goes on sale. So I have a feeling that the pre sale tickets are gonna go faster than we've ever had them go before. So. Yeah, we'll see. Shannon, what is this? Experts are predicting that the penis of the future. What it could look and feel like.

[Jeff Dye]

What's the penis?

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. Our penis.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just a vagina.

[Shannon]

So they are changing. And it says over the past past 30 years, the average erect penis length has jumped 25%.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's bigger.

[Shannon]

It's bigger. So between 1992 and 22.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hold on, pause, pause, pause. 25. So if you were six before, you are over seven inches.

[Zach Amico]

No, your dick isn't. You have your dick.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know, but the average, the average went from six to seven and a half.

[Zach Amico]

Why do we have bigger dicks?

[Jeff Dye]

What's going on? Is there less Asians in the world?

[Zach Amico]

Micro. Microplastics, ironically.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay, go ahead. Back to you.

[Shannon]

Okay, so it said the average one went from. The average erect penis went from 4.8.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The average erect penis was 4.8.

[Zach Amico]

I heard that when I was a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Kid and I was like, yes, that's crazy. To what?

[Shannon]

To six inches. And it said that if this momentum continues that by the year 2100, the average length will be 8.5 inches.

[Zach Amico]

What?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Chicks are gonna get blown out?

[Shannon]

Well, it says that that may also be an issue because they're not seeing the same changes happen in women. So that this may have. This may cause issues with pregnancies.

[Zach Amico]

Their are getting smaller.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but maybe your mouth will get bigger.

[Zach Amico]

Good.

[Jeff Dye]

Is it?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The best cut is great.

[Jeff Dye]

Are getting smaller. Our are getting bigger.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Once we got that Asian poor where they're screaming, all white men were like, I want that.

[Jeff Dye]

Do you guys not believe what is.

[Zach Amico]

There what's the scientific reason behind this?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Christian heel.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I know.

[Ari Shafir]

Like that's the best part of women, man. I get older, they stay nine years old.

[Zach Amico]

I know that people have gotten like taller on average like thousands of years ago. People, the average height was like five foot four for a man. And it's just gotten bigger and bigger every year. What's happening? Why is the door open?

[Shannon]

She was crying, so I don't know if she want to see her dad.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Come here, buddy.

[Zach Amico]

Oh.

[Ari Shafir]

Usually when Shannon opens the door to say that it's an SDR episode.

[Shannon]

So a couple other things. They're saying that bioengineers are looking to enhance sperm movement or shape to make it more efficient to penetrate an egg cell membrane. And then on the opposite side of that, they're also working on nanotechnology to create a built in contraceptive system that you could turn off and on at will.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, nice. A reversible one. Hey, did I tell you about my pill that I want to invent? Please. Okay. It is a pill that makes you autistic briefly until you take another pill and that helps you do your homework and stuff.

[Zach Amico]

Stuff. Why, why would this all.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You could be autistic for a short time.

[Zach Amico]

Why would. Why would you want to be autistic for a short.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Done. Yeah, just get done.

[Zach Amico]

Do autistic people get you? Some of them are just full fled superpower.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, some of them are.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

You got to catch the ones that don't have adhd.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You got to get the right ones.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I feel like if you watch Love on the Spectrum, they're like borderline mud brain.

[Jeff Dye]

Those are mentally. He's talking about like a neurological disorder.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Good people accounting.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You can't go on a date with it. But no, maybe you could actually. Here's my other pill.

[Zach Amico]

Please.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a pill, it doesn't do anything on its own, does nothing. But when taken with any other drug, it makes that drug hit at 100 of its strength immediately.

[Jeff Dye]

I like that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, come up for booze or, or mushrooms. It's immediately going to hit you as hard as it's ever going to hit you. So it's not like, oh, should I take more acid, Adderall, anything. It's there.

[Zach Amico]

That's a lot.

[Ari Shafir]

But here's the thing. You need a second pill for the.

[Zach Amico]

Comedown and you're immediately, you're normal. You're immediately normal.

[Ari Shafir]

If you go, I don't like this.

[Zach Amico]

If you're gonna invite one, invent one pill, it is to you Take mushrooms. You pop the pill. It's like you're back to normal. Like it's gone too much. Don't want to talk to God. Don't want to cry if you start having a bad trip.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, but isn't the part of drugs being response like, you know, like you're gonna have to deal with it part of it? Yeah, I think that's part.

[Zach Amico]

That's why I can't do hallucinogens anymore. It's because. And I probably will in Jamaica. The mushroom chocolates in Jamaica are phenomenal. They make me giggle and laugh usually when, if I take regular mushrooms here I'm. At one point, I'm talking to God. At one point I'm thinking about my mom. I'll find a mirror and look at my face real close and do this a lot. It's really scary. I'm not a fun person to be on mushrooms around. Yeah, I, I'll, I'll run off on my own. Same thing with acid. But if I could just take a pill and knowing that safety is there, I don't think it would, I would ever have a bad trip because that's almost where the bad trip comes from.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You want to know? You can't.

[Zach Amico]

You start to go, like, when is it going to be over?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, any advice I would give anyway. It's like, you know, there's a time acid. It might be nine hours and mushrooms about five.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So you're part of it in five hours. I'll be back. Yep. Just.

[Jeff Dye]

I coach myself during mushrooms all the time. Like, just relax. This will pass.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This will pass.

[Jeff Dye]

I'll freak out about something for. Because I don't know. Time on mushrooms.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Think about an hour.

[Jeff Dye]

It could be 10 minutes and a. I'm like, this will.

[Zach Amico]

Acid is like, it's terrifying. I don't, I'll never take acid again. I just remember every time I've ever taken acid, it ends with me lying in bed at night hearing little whispers. And it just, it just. You're like, dude, I want to sleep. And he's like, death, you're gay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Your mother.

[Zach Amico]

It's. Let us out really scary, dude. I, I, Dude, I hate it, dude.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Just James, he knows your essay goes up every. And I do.

[Zach Amico]

You're not a good father.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hiding under the bed.

[Zach Amico]

Eddie is more of a father to.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Me than you are.

[Jeff Dye]

Where's your wallet?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Eddie's dad too.

[Zach Amico]

Eddie's. Eddie is his stepfather.

[Jeff Dye]

Where's your wallet?

[Zach Amico]

It's me, Eddie Shannon. We have some. We have another contest submission. So I'M I'm bringing a date to call him Troll's wedding.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And we're having decide who.

[Zach Amico]

We're having a contest for it. And the girls are submitting. The first two girls that submitted are pretty smoking. We got a hot black chick, hot blonde chick. We have another one. Pull up the two chicks that have already submitted just for a second, just to show Jeff and Ari, because I want to give them perspective on this new submission today before we watch her. This bitch, she wants to go to.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Comms holding a snake.

[Zach Amico]

Holding a snake, by the way, that's.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How great her tits are. I was like, wow. I'm like, oh, snake.

[Zach Amico]

She's great. No, she's hot.

[Jeff Dye]

She wins.

[Ari Shafir]

You know what you mean to blow your mind. The cardboard cut out of the rock in there too.

[Zach Amico]

That's not the real rock.

[Jeff Dye]

So why'd you pick that cardboard cut out of the rock? Rock? Not the. Not like wrestling rock. He's wearing, like, a tan Jumanji. Yeah, that's terrible.

[Zach Amico]

So we have her, and then who do we have?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's in the lead so far.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, she wins.

[Zach Amico]

You don't got to show them the black chick. It's fine.

[Shannon]

I know that she's very pretty. The other one's charming.

[Zach Amico]

The black chick's hot as.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No tits. She's not showing up for tits.

[Zach Amico]

She probably has. She press the African tits.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But I will tell you, she doesn't.

[Jeff Dye]

Even have a snake, dude.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I will tell you.

[Ari Shafir]

You don't know that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Knowing Colin, him, he'd be most upset about you bringing the first black to his wedding.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that'd be.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he'd be like, you know, the. I don't. I can't do the accent.

[Zach Amico]

She's stealing the silverware. I'm like, calm down. What are you doing? All right, so, Shannon, who's this new chick?

[Shannon]

Okay, the new one is Christina.

[Zach Amico]

Christina, Hot name.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What if it's Pazinsky?

[Zach Amico]

I've dated a couple Christinas in my life.

[Shannon]

Here she is.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Christina]

Hey, Lewis.

[Shannon]

Hey, Zach.

[Christina]

My name is Christina. I'm terrible at selfie sermons, but here it goes.

[Zach Amico]

She's a little bit older.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Boo.

[Jeff Dye]

She's leading with her chest, too.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, she got big tits.

[Jeff Dye]

She definitely knew where to highlight the.

[Zach Amico]

Jorge's on. Jorge's hiding under the table. Ice is here, boo. Jorge's trying to.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't like her.

[Zach Amico]

You don't like her already?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, decent tits. Also taking a picture in front of a camera, in front of a light. She doesn't know. Yeah, she's not good about also Lady Christine. Kill yourself.

[Christina]

Let's watch it for your wedding date contest. First of all, because I'm a comedy die hard and I love you guys.

[Zach Amico]

She's gonna die hard in about 10 years.

[Christina]

Big Town girl. I love Nick and Adam more than.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Anything with the podcast, just so you know. Do I give the podcast?

[Zach Amico]

Do I give a about them? Why. Why are you saying I love them more than anything? Yeah, she loved me more than anything.

[Jeff Dye]

She's talked herself out.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, keep on going.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Nick is officially off the podcast.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I know.

[Christina]

Chris O'Connor, Sam Talent and all those guys. And President Gillis. Of course. I'm even such a die hard that I bought solo ticket to Skank fest this year. I had the time of my life. But on that note, I walked into Ari set at the same time you did, so maybe time. Technically you kind of owe me in this date.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why?

[Zach Amico]

Pooped everywhere I pooped. They.

[Shannon]

Thank you.

[Christina]

I like many people, I think maybe struggle with loneliness and struggle with editing. See that?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Get to it. Jesus.

[Ari Shafir]

Jesus Christ, lady.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We're going to be your age by.

[Ari Shafir]

The end of this video.

[Zach Amico]

She is wearing like the old lady old lady baseball cap. Like she's going to the gym and then she has to go to Whole Foods afterwards.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's about to yell at a black.

[Christina]

Eyed bird watching silly at this as this sounds. But the comedy scene and the podcast scene has really helped alleviate that and made me feel like a sense of community.

[Zach Amico]

Talking about her osteoporosis.

[Christina]

Thank you for that. And I'm a blast. This would be so much fun. It would be kind of a dream come true for me. And I'm witty, I'm fun, I'm.

[Jeff Dye]

Snake girl wins.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. You didn't even hear Snake.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Where's your snake?

[Jeff Dye]

Blonde hot has.

[Zach Amico]

I would rather bring the snake than this.

[Christina]

It's gonna kill her ass. So can't wait to see you.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, look, she's. She's pretty hot for a woman who's probably a few years older than me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's a good. She is a hot 70 year old.

[Zach Amico]

She's. She is pretty hot for her age.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's probably younger than you. You.

[Zach Amico]

I think she's younger than me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, I think she's like 42.

[Zach Amico]

You think I'm 42.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Are you really?

[Zach Amico]

I am.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You look terrible. You think I look terrible?

[Zach Amico]

No, no, I think I look pretty good for my age.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

42. I've known you for.

[Zach Amico]

I watched. I watched Louis CK special where he was 40 and he looks like just a big Lump of.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He looks terr. He does not take care of him.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm 42.

[Zach Amico]

You're 40. Oh, Jesus. You, Jeff.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Jeff Dye]

What we both look good for.

[Zach Amico]

No, not as good as you, Jeff. Your facial hair. Look at his facial hair. It's infuriating.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, Jeff's gorgeous.

[Jeff Dye]

You got a young face.

[Zach Amico]

I do have a young face. Now that I'm in shape again and my cheekbones are coming in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jeff is so hard. We were all going out to dinner one time after a. After a basketball game and we were talking about how long we've each. How long it's been since we've gotten laid. And, and, and Jeff. Jeff goes. I'm actually in the longest shake I've ever had right now. I'm like, really? How long has it been? He takes his calendar out on his phone. He's like eight days.

[Jeff Dye]

Pretty long.

[Zach Amico]

Eight days is a long time to not get laid. That unquestionably.

[Jeff Dye]

It's too long.

[Zach Amico]

When's the last time you got laid, Jeff?

[Jeff Dye]

It's been weeks now.

[Zach Amico]

Now it's been weeks.

[Jeff Dye]

Wow. But that's been choice, you know, I'm.

[Zach Amico]

It's a choice.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm happy.

[Zach Amico]

Why. Why are you choosing to not get laid?

[Jeff Dye]

Just kind of isolating right now.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Getting to know you. Well, just like reintroducing yourself to you.

[Jeff Dye]

Such a racket having everybody, you know, you start having sex, then they're still there. Have like a piece of you, you know.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. There's. Having sex with multiple women is anxiety inducing. This is the first time in my life where like I'm. I was like, I don't feel like juggling multiple women.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It's too much, you know. And I've been, I've been single for nearly a year. In March it'll be a year which is very long for me to be very long.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Not to professional.

[Jeff Dye]

If you guys had this. I don't know if it's worth complaining about publicly, but just the idea that like girls that would have never, ever, ever cared about me or whatever that I had sex with. With. Well now just cuz I'm having some success. Be like, he's my ex. I'm like, I wasn't your ex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We once. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

But though like like now out of nowhere.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I. I have one comic. I have one comic. I won't say who it is, but she straight up just tells people she was. She. I'm her ex. I was like, we. You were literally a girl that I. A handful of times.

[Jeff Dye]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

Insanity.

[Jeff Dye]

It drives me Crazy. I'm like, dude, you now all of a sudden I'm your ex and it's like, why?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I just want to feel like a whore. Like, well, then you shouldn't have been one.

[Zach Amico]

You shouldn't have been a paragraph.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Should have been a spreadsheet.

[Jeff Dye]

Don't talk about it at all then. Just don't bring me talk about it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Just deny the whole thing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, but I used to juggle women regularly. Just two in one hand doing all the tricks with them.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So you got the hand. She's lying.

[Zach Amico]

Sometimes me and Jay would do the thing where we throw the pins to each other.

[Ari Shafir]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Iraqi triplets.

[Zach Amico]

Oh. But yeah, I used to. Yeah. What? And it did was a huge source of anxiety. And I wasn't even cheating on, on like girls. I was just juggle. And you just don't tell them. You're like, you don't need to know about that girl. What's the point?

[Jeff Dye]

And then they do that to us too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I love that moment.

[Jeff Dye]

Women have like 12 guys on their phone, they're leading on at all times.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You go to the bathroom on a tenor date and they're looking at other 10.

[Jeff Dye]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

But I. I can't do the thing anymore where I DM a girl to like send me nudes. Like, whatever.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They'll post it.

[Zach Amico]

No, no, not even that. I just, I feel like a creep. I mean, I was in a two year relationship. We just got out of that relationship less than a year ago. And whatever happened before that relationship, because that was that. I was like, yeah, send me a nude. I want to jerk off to you right now. And then after the relationship, it became like the first time I tried to do it, I was like, oh, this is creepy, dude. I'm 42 years old now. I just felt like a piece of this is me dog whistling for girls just to send them to me unsolicited.

[Jeff Dye]

So gas, I want to jerk off on to me. To you.

[Zach Amico]

I want to wrap my dick up like a burrito after, afterwards. But yeah, I can't. I don't know, I don't have it in me. And then the other thing is, I'm not jumping into a relationship now. Like I have in the past. Usually the first pretty girl that I liked a little bit.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I'd be like, all right, cool. I love you. Now we're boyfriend, girlfriend. I've told 12 different girls that I've loved them in my life.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh my God.

[Zach Amico]

I counted it up. A girl recently asked me, she was like, how Many girlfriends have you had? I was like, what do you consider a girlfriend? Like, what's a real relationship? She's like, somebody that you have sex with that you tell that you love them. Them. And then I started counting them. Oh, and there's been 12 girls that I've told that I'm in love with them. That's crazy.

[Jeff Dye]

That's the real body count. Body count should be like, how many times you've been in love?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, well, I don't think I was in love with. I think I just. You just say it. You. You. Who has a bit about that? Oh, Patrice has a bit. Whereas, like, when you come inside of a girl, it's like you're like, I love you. He's like, you pull. When you pull out, it's like a different thing. But when you actually come inside of them, it's like you. You feel love. And I think that's what it is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. How many women have you told that you love them?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Six, seven, maybe.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let me think about it. College.

[Zach Amico]

No, that's a building.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Two, three, maybe five.

[Zach Amico]

What about you, Jeff?

[Jeff Dye]

Four.

[Zach Amico]

Four girls. You knew the answer right away.

[Jeff Dye]

But also two of them I really loved. We all said it four times. But only two of them I really loved.

[Zach Amico]

Really did. You really did. But said you said it four times.

[Jeff Dye]

It was set it four.

[Zach Amico]

Like a one. A one time thing. You're like, I shouldn't have said that.

[Jeff Dye]

No, it's like, I just didn't really know if that makes sense.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I've had a few times.

[Jeff Dye]

I was like, oh, we got to this point here. I got supposed to say it back. Yeah, I think we're supposed to.

[Zach Amico]

I had a few times where we would be having sex and then in the night I'd sleep, tell them I love them, and then the girl the next day. This happened at least two or three times. I don't count them in the 12th. But the next day she was like. She was like, you know, you told me you loved me last night. I was like, what?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was doing at someone else also.

[Jeff Dye]

What if she's lying?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, no, no. I was having a dream about this.

[Zach Amico]

No, no. I remember it's like a moment of like, you said it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You were sleeping together.

[Zach Amico]

But you're so, like, involved in the moment. You're like just grabbing and being passionate. And you're like. It's the word you want to just say because she's so hot. That's really what it's a girl be so hot. I'm like, I Love you. I'm here now.

[Jeff Dye]

Now we're my first kiss in high school. The girl kissed me and I just instinctively said, I love you right after it ruined everything.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, no.

[Jeff Dye]

But, like, I was just, like, used to kissing my sisters or my mom good night. Like, before. I was just like, wait, so I robbed you? I love you.

[Zach Amico]

Wow, Zach, how many women have you told that you love them in your life? Three women. You got married to the third one?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yep.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I'm a. I'm a real boy. I'm a real.

[Jeff Dye]

I like that you said. I just say it like it's just like a.

[Zach Amico]

It's a weird elation. Yeah. If I'm. If it's not in the middle of the day and if I have to write. If I write it to you, then I mean it. If I just say it. I talk a lot of. I. I say so many words every week. The amount of podcasts.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So many words.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I'm not gonna fight. You can't take every time I say I love you for face value. That's crazy.

[Jeff Dye]

I love her just because I told.

[Zach Amico]

Her I love her. Oh, look at Bandit. Is Ben. Did a boy or a girl?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think boy genders. Gender is a construction.

[Zach Amico]

All right, let's do one more.

[Jeff Dye]

You'd be a terrible doctor, my friend.

[Zach Amico]

She. All right, let's do the final murder dog segment. This is a Zach story. Guys. Time for another murder dogs.

[Jeff Dye]

All right, Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Shannon, play that.

[Zach Amico]

That. That was one of the best videos ever. Is the guy choking? He literally rear naked chokes the dog until it passes out. This dog that was attacking with second. Another dog. Maybe he's sleeper. Delightful. Delightful. So, Shannon, what is the story?

[Shannon]

Talk to us, Zach. Do you want to set it up or do you want me to?

[Ari Shafir]

You can.

[Shannon]

Okay, so it's 34 year old woman, had not hurt. They didn't hear from her in five days. So police went to her house and they found her body with her two pugs sitting next to her. And she was half eaten.

[Jeff Dye]

The pugs by her pugs?

[Shannon]

Yeah, I have some pictures of her and her pugs.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I thought dogs wouldn't do that.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, especially not pugs.

[Zach Amico]

She's pretty toy. Pretty toy for an old lady. Wait a minute.

[Jeff Dye]

Is that Christina from Take it back on that picture.

[Zach Amico]

She looks like Shannon. Never mind Shannon. This is what you're gonna look like in a couple years.

[Shannon]

My lips aren't.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's Romanian too. Wait, wait, wait. What'd she die of?

[Shannon]

I don't know that she's 34 years old.

[Zach Amico]

She looks like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She does look bad.

[Zach Amico]

She looks bad.

[Jeff Dye]

What is with all these needles?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's from.

[Jeff Dye]

No one looks better when they do all this.

[Zach Amico]

I do understand. So I think they're preemptively doing it because I think if you dramatically do surgery when you're older. So they start getting facelifts in their.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

20S, which is tox fillers.

[Zach Amico]

Bonkers.

[Jeff Dye]

Just no one looks better.

[Zach Amico]

Better. I've never seen a chick who looks better with lip fillers.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They look better briefly. And then it all that. The fillers don't go away. So if you get pregnant later, it just exudes fluid into your. And that's when you look like that.

[Jeff Dye]

Such a waste of time and money. And then you look worse or not worse, but just like kind of at.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

60 look like an alien.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's not good. It's not good. These young girls that do it. But I mean, then I. I don't really know. But apparently they're preemptively doing it because if you just suddenly do it when you're 40, it doesn't take. Yeah, you have. So these are all like obsessed with. But that's the problem.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's me and you go to church.

[Jeff Dye]

I think it's become part of the culture or whatever. Like their friends doing this. And then they do it. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

They're like parties.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Becomes like normal to just go, I need it here.

[Zach Amico]

Fake tits too. Suck.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. They're better than no tits.

[Jeff Dye]

Fake tits I'm fine with because I date a lot of moms and, you know, these babies just.

[Zach Amico]

They do up their tits. Well, if it's that if it's a problem that they have ugly, disgusting tits. Tits, then I'm fine with fake tits. But just small titties are fun. Small, small titties. Little handfuls. Little tiny nipples. Love them. Love them. Shannon, you said you were flat as a board, right?

[Shannon]

Yep, just tiny. Little.

[Zach Amico]

Just. Just nipples hanging off.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Show us your tits now.

[Zach Amico]

We gotta. All right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna get her one.

[Zach Amico]

I should. You not. All right. If you will go in with me, we'll get one more person. Jeff.

[Jeff Dye]

Brett.

[Zach Amico]

No, she needs new tits and she said she'd let us feel her tits if we got her new tits.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Who gets to feel.

[Jeff Dye]

Wait, so we buy our tits and we just get to feel them?

[Zach Amico]

What if we all. We triple team you, Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. What if we.

[Zach Amico]

That's a fucking hot.

[Jeff Dye]

Seems unfair to just feel them.

[Shannon]

It seems unfair that triple team is the other option.

[Jeff Dye]

I didn't come up with Shannon, do.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We pay you to talk? Do I pay you less than minimum wage?

[Zach Amico]

I feel like we can get a few people to chip in a couple grand. Grand each and just get Shannon. Her tits are 22 years old. They're literally. They're calcifying in her body.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, we got to get her some new tits.

[Zach Amico]

It's crazy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Stand up. Let me see it from the outside.

[Shannon]

At least I'm wearing a hoodie. You're not gonna be able to see anything.

[Zach Amico]

See, Shannon, this is. You're not fun. That's why nobody's paying for your tits, because you're literally not even fun with the tits that you have.

[Shannon]

I was. At some point.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm wearing a hoodie. Unzip the hoodie.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Just be.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay. I'll allow it. That.

[Zach Amico]

All she gotta do is just tap it in and we. You should probably get some people to buy your tits. Even the fans would be like, you know, we'll chip.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We should. We should. We should do a. We should do gofundme for.

[Zach Amico]

Go Go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Gofundme.

[Zach Amico]

Go fund me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, let's do it. Let's make it happen right here on Millionaires.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, this is we. Well, I'll chip in a grand.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'll chip in $2. Let's get the fans involved.

[Jeff Dye]

Someone forgets who's rich. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

But why don't you guys pay for the.

[Zach Amico]

I'm not rich at all. First of all, shut your mouth, Jeff. I'm. I'm an everyman.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You own a home.

[Zach Amico]

I'm one of these people now. I rent.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I rent a home.

[Ari Shafir]

The only person here who has done drugs off of Shannon's tits, I will say they have a good feel to him still.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, she lets you step coke off her Skank fest. At skank fest.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's the right place to do it.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon. I feel like we can. And also, there's different areas you can get. And technology has gotten easy. It's like phones. Dude. Dude.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Shannon, do you want new tits?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Good. With what you got.

[Shannon]

I. I feel like they need to be redone because I got them done when I was 20.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How much is it? How much is it for fake tits?

[Jeff Dye]

Let me give you a second opinion.

[Shannon]

It's about, like, between 8 and 10,000.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We could raise this.

[Zach Amico]

We could easily raise it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let's start.

[Zach Amico]

If we started to go. Fund me right now. I'll donate a thousand dollars right now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There you go, Shannon. Make it for 15 grand.

[Ari Shafir]

Could you get three?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, total recall. Recall. Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Dude, how has nobody ever done that yet?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I, I. How about this?

[Ari Shafir]

If you hit that every time you did the ding on thing is. And you hit your middle tit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, you just have to be more fun with them. Would you promise to wear nothing but, like, tops that show off your new tits if we figured out your tits? Because this is crazy at this point.

[Shannon]

I wear. I'll constantly show cleavage and you said.

[Zach Amico]

You would sleep with me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Bikini tops.

[Zach Amico]

You said you would sleep with me just one time. Time.

[Shannon]

No.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay. No sleeping.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay. Get out.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon. Let me just. Let me just bend you over and eat you out from behind. Come on.

[Jeff Dye]

This is like his thing. Okay, okay. I'll take a blow job.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Is that the Puerto Rican rattlesnake?

[Zach Amico]

I mean, how is, how is she not just getting oral Somebody. I don't care what they look like. If somebody said, let me just eat your ass and suck your dick from behind, I would be like, fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's what Red Fox used to do with the waitress from the Comedy Store.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He'd have his assistant go in there to the ones he liked and say, hey, Red wants to eat you out for 500. You don't have to do anything. He just wants to eat your box of 500. And then once they were there doing it, like, wow.

[Jeff Dye]

And now those kind of questions, like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Here'S a thousand, here's a thousand. Let's. And they'd be like, I'm already turned on. Let's go.

[Zach Amico]

Let's go. Yeah. See, comic club waitresses rule. Yeah, that was my type for a long time. My son's mother was a comic club waitress.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

She worked at Eastville.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I didn't know that.

[Zach Amico]

Well, she worked there.

[Ari Shafir]

Ever play there?

[Zach Amico]

I, I. The Stand. The Stand used to this. They're bad. They're back. No, they're back.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're. No, Some good ones now, Waitress two.

[Zach Amico]

And Dominican waitress are.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, but they used to have some great ones. Trapeze artists, hot ones.

[Zach Amico]

Some crazy ones, too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The, the, the. The sunken eyes. Crazy look. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She tried a bunch on me. I'm like, you are trouble.

[Zach Amico]

She tried and she got me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know, I know.

[Zach Amico]

She threatened to ruin my life.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know. I was, like, so glad I turned that one down. It was so hard.

[Zach Amico]

She was so hot.

[Jeff Dye]

So hot.

[Zach Amico]

God damn it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She in the manager's office?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

God, she ruled. She ruled.

[Zach Amico]

All right, look, we're going to wrap this one up.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Y.

[Zach Amico]

This is a lot of fun. Jeff D. And Ari Shafir, two of the best. Two of the best in the biz. Another great Lewis and Zach in the Books show.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So much better than the old show.

[Zach Amico]

I appreciate that. It really is a great show. We'll be back on Wednesday with another incredible episode. We got Chad arena and Joe List coming in on Wednesday, which should be a great show. You guys are the best. Thank you. Good night.

[Jeff Dye]

Sings.