0036. Sheri Ciprane and Alex Tomaselli

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo – Episode 0036 Guests: Sheri Ciprane & Alex Tomaselli
Date: August 17, 2025

---

Episode Overview

On this episode of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo, Zac is joined by comedians Sheri Ciprane and Alex Tomaselli for a hilarious and unfiltered morning radio ride full of weird news, wild personal stories, and off-the-wall comedy. With Zac on the road at the Gathering of the Juggalos, the episode is pre-taped but is packed with trademark chaos—featuring everything from mutant rats and NYC street stories to strip club tales, Florida mugshots guessing games, and a deep dive into alcohol and voyeurism.

---

Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Introductions & Plugs (00:32–03:00)

• Zac introduces his guests: Sheri Ciprane of Pimp Daddy Podcast and Alex Tomaselli of Super Sally Joe’s.
• Quick promo for their live dates and Zac’s upcoming tour.

---

2. Monster Rats & Urban Pest Stories (04:13–09:18)

• Discussion about a 22-inch-long rat found by pest control in England.
• Jokes about the rat being a “young master splinter” and rodent evolution during the pandemic.
• Zac details local New York rat experiences and riffing on horror movie references.
  • “My street at night, they're just crossing... like black guys do in the afternoon. They don’t care if cars are coming.” — Zac [06:36]
• Tangents into horror flicks (Creepshow, Trilogy of Terror), and Zac’s eccentric uncle’s love of cult classics.

Timestamped Moment:

[06:16] Zac: “People think that the pandemic really fucked up… made rats really aggressive because a lot of the restaurants… closed… So became like a Lord of the Flies.”

---

3. Uncles, White Treasures & Wild Road Stories (09:15–12:16)

• Zac reminisces about “Uncle Angelo” and his wild antics (e.g., fighting a goose, picking up Playboy Playmates).
  • “He had stars tattooed on his knuckles so when he punched you, you saw stars before and after.” — Zac [09:15]
• Both guests contribute tales of old New York, uncles, and family misfits.

---

4. Strip Clubs: Then and Now (10:48–13:37)

• Sheri goes solo to “Pumps” in Brooklyn; awkwardness and strip club culture.
• Discussion about tipping etiquette, club “wokeness”, and classic NYC strip joints.
• Differentiating between “Pumps” and “Lucky’s”—the flashier, grittier venues.

[12:00] Zac: “You could be just taking your jacket off and a girl will be like, where’s my tip? And be like, I just sat down!”

---

5. Sex Positivity, Toys, and ‘Womanizer’ Talk (12:58–16:44)

• Zac compliments Sheri’s “thirst trap” after Ozempic weight loss; playful banter about body confidence.
• Introduction to sex toys—specifically, the “Womanizer” and how technology has changed bedroom expectations.
  • “Your mouth cannot do that. It just… you just can’t.” — Sheri [14:13]
• Gender comparisons on sex tech, the “chasing the dragon” of orgasm, and anecdotes about sex injuries.

---

6. Piercings, Group Hookups, and Live Sex Tales (17:08–22:27)

• Zac recounts letting girls pierce his nipple in exchange for watching them hook up.
• Group sex on a Brooklyn rooftop, a protestor-turned-spectator, and getting woken up by police after public sex.
  • “She went, ‘I’m gonna go to bed.’ Did I out-alpha her while having sex with her friends?” — Zac [22:12]

---

7. Aging, Erections, and Tales from the Road (22:47–24:35)

• Zac and Alex on the “hard-on” transformation through aging.
• Road diets, stopping at racist hole-in-the-wall restaurants, and nostalgia for their degenerate youth.

---

8. Murder Dogs: Police K9 Misbehavior (24:41–31:06)

• Recap of a video showing an NYPD funeral where a police dog attacks a bystander.
• Satirical takes on “Murder Dogs” segment.
• Riffs about dogs needing body cams for accountability, airport dog presence, and shoe removal at TSA.
  • “I think it was to get people controlled. And now that we’re standing there in our socks like assholes.” — Zac [28:22]

---

9. Florida Roulette: Mugshot Guessing Game (32:05–42:18)

• Fun and dark “Florida Roulette”: guessing why random, wild-looking people from Orlando mugshots were arrested.
• Hilarious misjudgments and surprises: neglect of a child, dealing in stolen property, practicing medicine without a license, and domestic battery.
  • “She was booked for 20 charges of practicing medicine without a license.” — Shannon [41:34]

---

10. Sex Worker Hypotheticals & Porn Preferences (44:38–47:44)

• Panel fantasizes about their “ideal” sex worker (body types, races, etc.)
• Honest admission of “wanting what we can’t have” in relationships and porn preferences.
  • “I always want the... yeah, it’s human nature.” — Alex [45:27]

---

11. Aging & The Harshness of Time (47:51–50:43)

• Reflecting on running into former lovers who have aged drastically.
• Stories about demanding exes, early morning food requests, and microwave “rules”.

---

12. Drinking Madness: Malort, Johnny Brings a Bar & Liquor Stories (51:12–58:03)

• Zac’s horror at drinking “Malort”, a notorious bitter Chicago liqueur.
  • “It tastes like wood. You’re eating a tree, and imagine the burn of high volume liquor.” — Zac [51:50]
• “Johnny Brings a Bar”: a friend with a portable bar in his trunk and his “Johnny Five” shot challenge.
• Panel argues over the worst liquor combinations for the ultimate bar bet.
  • “Shannon, what would be your strategy?”—Zac [55:20]

---

13. Creepy Showers, Voyeurism, and Apartment Peeping (58:22–64:35)

• Airbnb renters find a mysterious window/opening in their shower, likely designed for spying.
• Zac and guests debate the ethics and commonality of city voyeurism.
  • “There’s an allure to it though, where they know they’ve been… they like it.” — Alex [60:33]
• Office reminiscences—telemarketing paper magazines in 2013 and across-the-street window peeping.

---

Memorable Quotes

• Zac (on rats):
  “They got more aggressive because there were no more restaurants. They got access to like unlimited food… So I think now we’re getting like these big aggressive rats.” [06:17]
• Alex (on bringing weird things to pawn shops):
  “I pawned it again… It was bad.” [36:36]
• Sheri (on strip clubs):
  “I want to be able to pick a girl up and throw her around a little bit.” [45:10]
• Zac (on alcohol):
  “I like shitty bourbon. Like, give me an Old Crow… If someone else is paying, Maker's Mark.” [56:58]
• Alex (on voyeurism):
  “If it’s open and there’s no one on the street with me, I’ll be looking. Like, what’s going on in there?” [61:02]
• Zac (on peeping):
  “For me, it's hotels. When you're across from another hotel and you could just… I'll stand there like a pig…” [61:18]

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Guest intros & plugs: 00:32–03:00
• Monster rat story: 04:13–09:18
• Uncle Angelo tales: 09:15–12:16
• NYC strip club culture: 10:48–13:37
• Sex toys talk: 13:37–16:44
• Group sex/piercings: 17:08–22:27
• Aging/erection chat: 22:47–24:35
• Murder Dogs segment: 24:41–31:06
• Florida mugshot game: 32:05–42:18
• Sex worker discussions: 44:38–47:44
• Exes & nostalgia: 47:51–50:43
• Liquor & Johnny Brings a Bar: 51:12–58:03
• Creepy showers & voyeurism: 58:22–64:35

---

Tone and Style

The episode is classic Morning Zoo—crude, mischievous, and loaded with zany asides. Zac is self-deprecating but cocky, his guests are playful and unfiltered, and everyone riffs hard. There’s constant laughter, irreverent sexual banter, and a celebratory air of “weirdos riffing in a studio” that makes the episode feel like a raucous, warm hang among old friends.

---

For listeners who skipped the episode, this summary captures its anarchic spirit and most memorable moments—minus the ads and intros.

Transcript

[A]

Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear and T shirts.

[B]

Bombas are so absurdly comfortable, you may throw out all your other clothes.

[A]

Sorry, do we legally have to say that?

[C]

No, this is just how I talk. And I really love my Bombas.

[A]

They do feel that good. And they do good, too. One item purchased equals one item donated.

[D]

To feel good and do good, go to bombas.com and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O m b a s.com and use code audio at checkout.

[B]

Fill her up.

[C]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go, Zach. Amico's got a show Animals are here to play Choke some guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some bee Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join the crew It's Akamiko. Morning soon. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Well, hello, hello, hello. Zoo Files. It's your old pal Cousin Zach. You're up, boy. The international superstar. And today, if I'm correct, Shannon is August 13th, and I am out on the road with one insane clown posse. So this is a pre tape and I want to thank you guys for tuning in. I will be at the gathering of Juggalos this whole week, but Shannon and Jorge were nice enough to make sure we had all the time we had this week to make sure that we miss any episodes. And I am very glad and appreciative of them for giving up their time across the table from me to extremely funny, wonderful, talented, and beautiful people from the Super Sally Joe's podcast. It is my good friend and yours, Alex. Tom Selly. Hey, man. How you doing, brother?

[B]

I'm well, dude. It's always good to see you.

[C]

Thank you for being here, my friend. And next to him from the Pimp Daddy pod, it is our good friend, Sherry Supreme. How are you?

[A]

Oh, good, good. Thank you for having me, Zach. I love coming here.

[C]

Very, very, very good. Thank you guys so much. Let's get plugs out of the way. Sherry, what do you want people to check out?

[A]

Pimp Daddy podcast. I have my first don't tell appearance in Pittsburgh the 16th. If anyone's in Pittsburgh, come on down.

[C]

Very, very cool, Mr. Thomas Alley.

[B]

Yeah, check out Super Celly Joe's. I do a podcast with Joe Gorman. It's a lot of fun. YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, and September 5th concentric brewing company in Portland, Connecticut. It's my show. I run It. It's gonna be a good time. Greg and Rob headlining. Come through.

[C]

Excellent. If you guys want to see me live, go to Instagram at Zach is not funny. Or punch up that live Zach. Miko, I got a run of the south coming up where I will be in Nashville, Tennessee. Pulaski, Tennessee. Did I get there? Yep. Nashville, Pulaski, Miamisburg, Ohio, and Lexington, Kentucky. That is the 28th, 29th, 30th and third. 31st. Please come hang out. I'll be out on the road with my good buddy J. Wall. And hey, if you love the show, go to cast digital.com use that promo code ZOO Z O O. You get a little bit of money off of your monthly subscription. You get access to the archives thousands episodes of your favorite Cast Digital podcast. You get episodes early ad free and uncensored. Get access to the live chat, and most importantly, get that Friday episode. That's right. We do three episodes a week here, but one is behind the pay wall at Gas Digital. So if you want to watch all three episodes a week, the only way to do that is to subscribe at Gas Digital. And if you use that promo code, zoo, I'd appreciate it. Thank you. All right, friends, so we have some fun to look at today, but this one just caught my eye, and I wanted. You're dazzling urbanites yourselves.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[C]

And this really freaked me out. This was in Cincinnati, I believe. Pest control workers discover rat inside home. Over 22 inches from nose to tail. Are afraid.

[B]

It'S bigger than a.

[C]

Yes, I'm trying to think of, like.

[A]

I'm trying to think the biggest dildo.

[C]

I have and are afraid it is not the only one in the neighborhood.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I've seen cat rats as big as cats out here. That's. That's. Yeah, that's regular out here.

[C]

I've stepped on 21 inch. No, dude, that's way massive.

[B]

No, it's.

[A]

That's a mutant right there.

[C]

That's mutated 21 inch, Shannon. How big would that would be?

[B]

It's a young master splinter.

[C]

That would be almost two feet long.

[D]

Yeah, that's like the rodents of unusual sizes in Princess Bride.

[B]

Oh, yeah, dude. That's a good pull, Shannon.

[D]

I'm 100 years old.

[B]

No, no, that movie rules. That's a great movie.

[C]

That. Yeah, that's. Is there a video timeless movie?

[D]

No, it just. It was in England.

[C]

Oh, it was in England. I'm sorry. The website was.

[B]

There's big rat in the wall.

[C]

That's why you need guns.

[B]

It's got teeth like us.

[C]

Oh, give me your cheese. Gna. And a knife.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No guns. Over.

[C]

Freeze, bruv.

[B]

Give me the food, fam. Give me the food.

[C]

That's how they.

[B]

That's how they talk.

[C]

You want to get wet, old man? I'll stick you. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Dude, that's insane. That's a fucking God damn, bro. That's like a fucking like muskrat in the wild. That's like a rat that shouldn't even be in the city. That things should be in the.

[C]

Yeah, so I've heard this discussed right now I know other people have talked about on other podcasts. Basically, people think that the pandemic really fucked up. They made rats really aggressive because a lot of the restaurants that they were used to going in closed with the supplies in there. So became like a Lord of the Flies.

[A]

They evolved.

[C]

They got more aggressive because there were no more restaurants. They got access to like unlimited food. So they got huge. And the ones that were falling behind, I think we're getting eaten by the other ones.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

So I think now we're getting like these big aggressive rats.

[A]

Super rats, just gigantic.

[C]

They. I've said before, they knocked down the building right next to mine and now my street at night, they're just crossing and they're like the rats in my neighborhood cross the street like. Like black guys do in the afternoon.

[A]

Yeah. They don't care if the cars are coming. They're juking. Yeah, they got it.

[C]

They got a towel over their head and a portable speaker.

[B]

Roll a blunt while moving some.

[C]

For some reason, they could. Could not give a. About these cars.

[A]

No.

[C]

And they're so scary. Dude.

[B]

That's a lot. That's. That's like. There's like 10 horror books just based on this. Like a giant rat infestation. They eat you and they.

[C]

Is there every orifice a creep shower? I know, there's the creep show. No, it's Trilogy of Terror's rats. Right?

[B]

Yeah. There's also the Cabinet of Curiosities, the Guillermo del Toro show on Netflix. They did one like that too.

[C]

Yeah, cuz Roaches is the first creep show, right? Right.

[B]

Yes. When the. The guy.

[C]

The guy's obsessed with being clean, right?

[B]

Yeah. Howard Hughes type.

[C]

But yes, the rats are, I believe, the first or second story in the first trilogy, Terror.

[B]

I do not recall. Damn. I. I haven't seen the original trilogy.

[C]

Are you familiar?

[A]

Trilogy?

[B]

I know the doll, but I have no clue.

[C]

Trilogy of Terror was a. I want to say straight to usa.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But it was With Karen Black. And it was like three. It was a three story horror movie. And one of them, I believe was a lady getting buried alive with rats. But they're mostly. They both end with. It's called the Zuni doll.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's basically racist. Chucky. Yeah, it's basically. It's Africa. Chucky. Spear Chucky.

[B]

Damn, dude. Oh, fuck, dude, that's great. Someone knows. That reference is cracking up. That was fun.

[C]

Yeah, he's like a little tribal guy with a necklace. And if the necklace comes off, he's got, like, sharp teeth. My. My uncle Angelo had a Zuni doll replica in his house. Michelangelo had that. And a. His entire living room was a Phantasm 2 subway poster.

[B]

God damn.

[C]

So I grew up around this shit.

[A]

Sounds like a fun guy.

[B]

Phantasm fantasy, dude.

[C]

Uncle Angelo, sounds like you want to talk about my white treasures. Uncle Angelo was my dad's best friend. He was an electrician.

[B]

Oh, he's not your real uncle.

[C]

That was my dad's best friend.

[B]

Yeah, I have those two.

[C]

And I think he had to be like, five, four. Yes.

[B]

Redhead, short king.

[C]

And he had stars tattooed on his knuckles so that when he punched you, you saw stars before and after.

[A]

So funny. I love that about him.

[B]

Before and after.

[A]

Let's go to see stars today.

[C]

And he. Dude, he was so fucking fun. Funny. He fought a goose.

[A]

A goose?

[B]

What?

[C]

He was. They were driving and he looked at Goose. He's like, do you think I could beat that thing up? And everyone's like, no. He's like, pull over.

[A]

Yeah. Watch this. Duck. Goose right here.

[C]

Goose one hard.

[B]

I was about to say an unprovoked goose is just waiting, dude.

[C]

Goose lit him up big.

[A]

Says, keep going.

[C]

And what else? I watched him pick up a Playboy Playmate once, which was awesome.

[B]

Buckhead.

[A]

She was probably, like, so much taller than him.

[C]

She was huge, babe.

[A]

He came up to the.

[C]

She's hot. She was in good shape. She was from, like the 80s and we were at a horror convention. And he walked right up to her and started talking. And then he dropped me off at home and went back and fucked me.

[A]

Yeah, he did. Yes. Dude. Yeah.

[B]

Get out, Zachy. I gotta go take care of some business.

[C]

He didn't have the voice. He was Irish.

[B]

Hey, second, we have to go see a lady. Lady of the night.

[C]

I'm trying. There's somebody fucking. Uncle Angelo. He. I think I have a really mean. What I don't want to say.

[A]

Oh, no. Now I'm intrigued.

[B]

You can't say that. All right, whatever.

[C]

No, I don't want to.

[A]

Is he still alive?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, then all right. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I want to be.

[B]

You wait till he dies and then we'll.

[C]

Yeah, then I'll talk about abusing strippers.

[B]

Yes. Hey, I mean, well, yeah, just get Chris from Brooklyn on. We could talk about that.

[A]

I went to a strip club alone.

[C]

When? Recently?

[A]

Yeah, like a month ago. My wife was away on like a writing convention and I was just a little drunk, little high. And I said, you know what? Well, first I went to go get a sex worker and I was like, don't do that.

[B]

Don't take it down a level.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So I went to pumps in Brooklyn.

[B]

Yeah. I ride by it all the time.

[A]

Yeah. And I went alone. And it's so weird. Now I'm just. I'm just standing there and no one's coming up to me. And finally the stripper comes up to me. She's like, are you waiting for anyone?

[B]

Oh, God damn.

[A]

No. I want a lap dance. No. But I felt awkward, but, you know.

[B]

Is that place good? It. It looks so small from the.

[A]

It's. It's small.

[C]

It's small.

[A]

It's like, kind of woke a little bit too. A little. I don't know. It didn't ever used to be. They used to pop ping pong balls out of their man.

[B]

Oh, man.

[C]

It's what happens. And this is. I am not the. I don't think you should have to tip at the strip club guy. I think you're at the bar.

[A]

You got to put money down.

[C]

You always got to put money down for every girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They are aggressive at pumps.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Like, they will stare you down and you could have just sat down.

[A]

That's how it was. I didn't know. I didn't know you could like, just.

[C]

Sit down and be putting. You taking your jacket off. And a girl will be like, where's my tape? And be like, oh, I just sat down. And she'd be like this. And she'll just start yelling. That's I've had. Yeah. The pumps is a little. And some of the same girls that work Lucky's work pumps, and I've always been kind of like, well, Lucky's is free, right.

[A]

So I'll just go to Lucky.

[C]

I'll just go to luggies, see a flash of your butthole exactly. As you crawl across the bar, and I'll give you a much better tip.

[A]

100%.

[C]

Because it's regular prices.

[A]

Yeah. And it's worth it. And some of them girls, they got armpit hair and stuff.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I have no problem with that. No, that does it for me.

[A]

I gotta. I gotta get over that.

[B]

You would not have a problem with it. I don't have a problem if. I don't know. Until it's too late.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

That's happened to me when a girl's just, like, taking her top off and I'm like, well, we're already here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not gonna be like, get out.

[A]

Might as well.

[C]

What am I. Just don't look now. Sherry, please forgive my bluntness here.

[A]

Yeah, do it.

[C]

You posted a thirst trap photo not too long ago, and I was so impressed with how together you are.

[A]

You.

[B]

You fit.

[C]

Don't let the loose clothes. It's over a tight little bod.

[A]

Oh, man. I have a really sexy body. It's crazy, dude.

[C]

I was it. And I knew it wasn't for me.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

That's.

[A]

It was for everybody. I needed attention at the time. I lost a lot of weight from Ozempic and I was like, I'm doing.

[C]

I had no idea.

[A]

I wanted everyone to see it.

[C]

It's very, very impressive.

[A]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[C]

And then we had a brief conversation about the sucker toy.

[A]

Yeah. That steals my head game, man.

[B]

Like, I haven't heard of this.

[C]

Oh, dude, you gotta. What? What would be what? The official. I always called it a sucker. I don't know.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

Shannon, do you know the thing I'm talking?

[A]

Womanizer. It's called the Womanizer. The actual toy that I have.

[C]

Like the Britney Spears song.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who you trying to.

[A]

And it, like, sucks it.

[B]

And there's three because it makes them make that awesome.

[C]

I've seen it as a rubber duck, too.

[A]

Yeah, I believe it. I could see that.

[C]

But you gotta do. You gotta see the way this thing.

[A]

You can't compete. Like, your mouth cannot do that. It just. You just can't.

[C]

Yeah. Now you know how we feel with the.

[B]

I have a bit about this where. Yeah. You guys have, like, machines to help you. And you guys complain. Not you. But, you know, I mean, the girls will. Some. Not all of them either, but some girls will be like, yeah, guys need help. They asked for directions. And it's like, you guys have things. Hell, you have like, the Terminator helping you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Why are you getting mad at me?

[A]

Like, it's true.

[B]

Oh, human, man.

[C]

I had a girl blow her puss out with the. The Hitachi.

[B]

Oh, the Owen Gray machine.

[A]

Yeah, that is. That looks like a Appliance. Like a kitchen appliance.

[C]

Dude, that thing, you know, it looks.

[A]

Like a mixer took skin off her.

[C]

It her up like her looked like home. Like, remember when Homer Simpson tried to box? It was just huge and it was all lit up. And I just remember the, the head of it is white.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It turned red over time from just eating up cunt meat. Oh, God. Just grinding it down. Yeah.

[A]

It was like the butcher shop scorched her. Dude, it.

[C]

This thing went to work. Oh, my God, Chad, do you know what did you find the woman?

[B]

Told her to turn it down. That's insane.

[C]

No, because then they're chasing the dragon.

[A]

Dude, it is that.

[B]

You'll never get close to the sun.

[C]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I've seen these.

[C]

Yeah. The, the, the. The one fourth from the second from the left. Third from the left is the one I'm familiar with.

[A]

Yeah, that's basically the one I have like, that.

[B]

I've seen the second one.

[C]

It kind of looks like a upside down mouse or a pipe.

[A]

Yeah, it does. It's like a bowl.

[B]

I've seen the one that loops around before, too, in, like, movies, but not in real life. I've seen these.

[C]

Dude, this thing. Yeah. You almost want to be like, so should I leave?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, it is because I give it to my wife and, like, she'll come in like two seconds, but then it's like to kind of come for women. It's like. It's a hardcore comes and then, like, you're, you're like. And then you're tired.

[B]

Yeah, she's like, rolling around like, don't.

[A]

Wait till the very end for that. Because I'm not doing in the beginning. Because then I don't. You know, we don't get to have fun, you know?

[C]

Dude, this thing, this. It'll really. You're almost like, should I go, like, go make a sandwich or something?

[A]

Just come back.

[B]

Keep this in mind.

[A]

Yeah. Just play with her nipples while she does that, because that's what I.

[C]

That's all I ask for. Listen, sweetheart, I, I, I got this one. You just. You're on nips.

[B]

No one touched my nipples, dude. I don't wanna really be sensitive. A beautiful woman, even. I'm like, yeah, stop. It hurts.

[C]

Oh, man. We're going on the road this week. You just planned your whole week.

[B]

I'm sleeping and you're gonna touch my nips?

[C]

No. Y' all gonna make you come.

[B]

You're gonna change my mind.

[C]

You're never gonna. You're gonna be a nipple guy.

[A]

A Titty twister?

[B]

No.

[A]

Have you ever given a titty twist?

[B]

Of course I've. I've given.

[A]

But you can't take.

[B]

I can't take any abuse. I can't dish it out sexually. The abuse that I've like, girls like choke me. I'm like, of course. If a woman goes, please stop. No. Oh, God.

[C]

One time I traded two girls that they would eat each other's in front of me if they could pierce my nipples with. Jesus Christ. Safety pins.

[A]

Oh. So depends on how thick the safety.

[C]

It was a big boy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I got one of those on my back. Not this one.

[A]

Pretty big. Yeah.

[B]

God damn, bro.

[C]

And I thought you've got a seat. I thought you had a seat with three year back. Oh, no. So it was. It was like a goth trick and a punk trick.

[A]

Yep. Of course.

[B]

Yeah. Big difference.

[C]

And very one. Yeah. One was like a Victorian.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[C]

85 pairs of underwear.

[A]

He's a vampire.

[C]

Yeah. Yes. And then the other was like, kind of like just like a pop punk. Yeah.

[B]

Shaved side of her head or whatever.

[C]

And we're going through something and. And because they were piercing my ear and they're like, we really would do your nipples. And I'm like, I don't like that because I've had my nipple pierced before and it rejected. So I now have a big nipple, little nipple situation.

[A]

Yeah, that can do that.

[C]

And I also got a caught on the shower door once. Me.

[B]

Sorry. Got a big visual on that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Had to just touch mine.

[B]

Quick seg. I had a girl one time, we were at a diner and she got up real quick and her belly button got snagged on the table and it was. Oh, bro, it was a nightmare.

[C]

Yeah, it's blood everywhere.

[B]

She ripped it. Yeah. It was brutal. It was. She was a little hammer. It was like a group of people.

[C]

Good thing she never clipped on.

[A]

I've had that. I've had that. No, I didn't rip it. No, I got it taken out.

[C]

But so they're like little piercer, you know, so they. They put ice on my one nipple. They get. They. We dip the safety pit and boot in, like vodka or whatever because, you know, sanitize it. We're professionals.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

We're not a bunch of people who are hammered out of their minds. And dude, this girl holds the needle of the right apple and she was. All right, we're doing the count of three. I go, all right. And she goes, one, two. And I look away, she goes, three. And she goes, oh. I go, what oh, she goes. It didn't come back out the other side.

[A]

Just in the cartilage. Just swimming in there.

[C]

She just stabbed me in the chest.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[C]

She went in. She didn't go through.

[B]

She had the mob.

[C]

Thank God I have fucking fat tits.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

She just. No. Oh, I felt it.

[A]

You felt it. Okay.

[C]

And she just fully stabbed me in the chest. And then she's like, what do I do? She's like. I was like. I got. I was like, you got to take it out. She's like, I can't take it out. It's too gross. So I had to take it out.

[A]

And just manned up and just took it out. Did you need stitches afterwards?

[C]

No, I was busy watching two girls eat there.

[A]

That's what I was gonna say. If they're just gonna get stabbed, you gotta let them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like now you're definitely eating pussy right now.

[C]

Sorry, lady.

[A]

Stab me. Exactly.

[B]

Yeah, all, you know, all's well that ends well. Hey, it's one way to look at.

[A]

I've done that before. I've eaten out girls in front of my friends. My God.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[B]

This one is bleeding in the background.

[A]

20S, you know. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

It's a thing that's fun, you know? And then they want to. And they promise they didn't want to. And then they want to. Them, obviously, because you're turned on. You want to now. And I'm like, no, no, no.

[B]

I haven't lived yet, guys. I guess not. Not yet. One day I'm on field.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

There you go. Out here.

[C]

No. Yeah. My group. My group stuff is. Well, in the. In the rear view.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's been a while, but, you know, back in the day.

[A]

Yeah. And it's funny.

[C]

Party. You walk into the right room. You never know what was gonna happen.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

One time I. I had sex in front of a group of people on the roof of a building in Brooklyn.

[A]

That's hot. And other people definitely were watching.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, no. It was like a party. And there was this crazy. This crazy dyke feminist and I mean.

[A]

Protester type energy, shave sides of the head, lesbian bat signal.

[C]

Yeah, that just the worst. Her name. I'll say. Her name was Haywire.

[A]

Okay, sure it was. Her real name's Jessica.

[C]

Haywire is my stud name.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Which is my favorite genre video, by the way. The. Yo, girl. What's your stud name?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, Lucius, exactly.

[C]

What's your born name?

[A]

Victoria.

[C]

You just watch the facade fade away immediately.

[A]

Yeah. Because then.

[C]

And she was. I was. I Was making sweet love to a woman while other people egged us on. And. And the girl, Haywire, she's like, I can't believe you're sex on my roof. This is disgusting. You're taking advantage of women. And I went, hey, sweetheart, start warming up because you're next. Yeah, dude, I watched all the feminism, Lee. I fucking watched. And she went, I'm gonna go to bed.

[A]

Shut her down.

[C]

Did I out alpha there while having sex with her friends?

[A]

She sure didn't act Haywire when you said that.

[C]

But then she called the police because we fell asleep on the roof naked. And I got woken up by the building manager and the police.

[A]

She's a big rat. Just like those other ones we saw earlier.

[C]

Good times, though, huh?

[A]

Yeah, good times.

[C]

Good times. Grab. My other friend was taking pictures, got them developed. They were. They were like, on a real camera.

[A]

Actual.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Back in the day, man, I used to be able to. Man, I used to be able to keep a heart on.

[A]

That's nuts. Well, that's not you. And they have.

[C]

I don't have any. I mean, I don't take anything, but.

[A]

Have you ever tried.

[C]

It's not.

[B]

You know, I've never done it.

[A]

It's not.

[C]

It doesn't. I. It works, right? But it's not the same. Kind of hard for me.

[A]

That's what I hear from.

[C]

It's hard, yeah. But it's not me hard.

[A]

Right, Exactly.

[C]

You mean like. Like a. Like a science experiment?

[A]

It's a Bunsen burner in my hands.

[C]

But, you know, I'm. I'm. I'm almost 40. I used to be hard every time I rode a bus.

[A]

Yeah. Just going over the bumps.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was always fucking. I was out. Yeah. I never got, like. I remember being a teenager and my uncle being like, man, what's around? Like, don't just walk around with hard on still. And I'd be like, what do you mean? It's embarrassing. And now I'm like, man, I wish I could just walk around with a hard odd. I can't walk from the bed to the lamp, right. And come back still hard.

[B]

I'm hanging in there, dude. I'm still doing okay. I think it's a diet thing, but I don't know.

[C]

No. Yeah, well, you're a young, healthy man trying.

[B]

Dude, I'm trying to.

[C]

As much as weekends on the road with me have taken that away from you.

[B]

Yes. I. I mean, yeah. Those are my hedonistic times.

[C]

Whenever Alex and I are on the road I like to make him stop and eat at places that just say the word eat.

[A]

Oh, hell, yeah. That's fine.

[B]

Yeah, Famous sauce is what we look for.

[C]

Yeah, that was a big fan. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Some. Something where the staff is going to be racist, which they were.

[C]

Oh, so we never get over that. So racist.

[A]

That was going to be greasy and good.

[C]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

How you know.

[A]

Yeah, they were just dirty spoon food.

[C]

They were mad at the black guy walking around sagging his pants.

[A]

Goddamn black man. Sagin.

[C]

Oh, yeah, Great hot dog.

[B]

Sherry. Were you in the background?

[C]

I think Sherry was the waitress.

[A]

We can't say the N word anymore. But, you know, I'm thinking it, Jerry.

[C]

You could have worked here.

[B]

Yeah, you would have been.

[C]

You would. You would have fit right in, babe.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Oh, that was a good time. What a good time.

[C]

All right, we got a bunch of other silly to look at. Okay, here's one. Let's do a little Murder Dogs, guys. What? Police dog attacks bystander at funeral for slain NYPD detective. They can't even behave at a funeral.

[B]

They have a video of it.

[C]

So people hate this segment. As they should. But this is Murder Dogs, where we watch what dogs have been up to this week. And this is a. I have seen this NYPD funeral.

[B]

This is great. Yeah, it just sees the one. Yep. Sees hate you. Oh, you and you. I'm gonna get the gayest one.

[A]

Give me that zesty black boy right there. Oh, he's Indian. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I saw this.

[C]

Look at that dog.

[B]

Yeah, he's like, yo, did I do good? Did I do good? You guys always send me after.

[C]

Yeah, show me your id.

[A]

He wanted some curry, bro.

[C]

Pause up.

[A]

Curry chicken.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Dude, he didn't hurt him.

[C]

He's nipped his shirt.

[A]

Yeah, it's not like he put his.

[C]

You know, if he was bleeding or something? I mean. Yes, that dog probably.

[A]

He could have went right into his neck.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sure Will. That dog probably should retire with benefits. Yes.

[A]

100%. Yes.

[C]

I do not think that dog should be punished physically. I think it was being a dog.

[B]

No, no bone today.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. He thought he was doing his job.

[B]

Bad boy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Get in the car, buddy.

[B]

No window down.

[C]

Wear body cams.

[A]

They should.

[C]

Yeah, because that would just be fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just watch them go down.

[C]

I'd watch it as a TV show on the.

[B]

Do it on the collar on here. So you see the top of the head?

[A]

That'd be like a GoPro, right on the.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And the harness.

[B]

I would love that. Because then you'd see the attack and the whole thing.

[C]

Can I ask you stupid question? Yes. How come sometimes the airport has the dog and sometimes it doesn't? Is that they got a call that day, you know, watch out.

[A]

Like a shift thing. I think it's just like periodically, probably it's like random.

[B]

A lot, A lot of influx of Muhammad's traveling.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, I just don't get it. Like, if it's safe to do this today, then what. Like, is there an intense. Like a warrant? Like, do they have like the color system still?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

By the way, this whole fucking you can take your shoes off thing. Well, you know, you don't have any more. No, I fucking got sent back through.

[A]

Because you didn't have your shoes on.

[C]

No, I took my. I kept my shoes on. I go through the fucking scanner at Newark, okay. And the guy goes, oh, your shoes set it off. You gotta go back. And I go. I go, okay, man. So I go back and the lady's there and she's, you know, being very, very helpful and kind of course, take your. Keep your shoes on, sir. No, sir, on your feet.

[A]

Freaking out.

[C]

And I went, that man just told me, I take my shoes off, follow my direction. I'm on my break. And then she goes, I don't know.

[A]

And I don't care.

[B]

Boy, I got 30 minutes till break. Yeah, let's go.

[C]

So then I put my shoes. And they just put me through. But it was like, dude, like, tell me like. And I watch it happen to three different people where they're like, no, something's in your shoes. And I'm like. Because I think that whole shoe thing.

[A]

It doesn't happen one time.

[C]

I think it was. It was to get people controlled. And now that we're standing there in our socks like assholes.

[A]

Right, right.

[C]

We're kind of.

[A]

Under their thumb 100%.

[C]

And I think it was a control thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And that. Get used to that. That way you're going to get used to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everything.

[C]

Laptop out, all that other shit. Because now we're conditioned already to listen like little kids.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah.

[C]

But it also just takes fucking forever.

[A]

And they're so serious about it sometimes too.

[C]

Dude. I got maybe the weirdest, the reason they took my bag the other day. And where the fuck was I? Detroit. And the lady opens my bag and she goes, oh, sorry, you had a book in here.

[A]

Ooh.

[C]

I go, yeah. And she goes, yeah. Sometimes books look weird in the machine. How few people read.

[B]

Yeah, dude, that's insane.

[A]

A square object yeah, the machine's like, what is this artifact? It was vintage item.

[B]

Well, TSA if you've ever talked to them. None of them read.

[A]

No, exactly.

[C]

Yeah. They're not readers.

[A]

They're not readers. They definitely shan.

[C]

Do we have any story on this dog? Did it get suspended without pay or what?

[D]

I don't have that part. But what they are saying happened is that the dog was in the backseat of one of the cops cars and then kind of escaped when they opened the door. And then they think that the dog went after this person because the loose clothing resembles the loose clothing of the trainers when the dog is going through training. Also they. Sorry. But it does say that they are starting to put body cams on dogs.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

Sweet.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Well, the cops reactions are. Are terrible too because they're like, guy, chill out. It's like, bro, your dog just attacked. Like you could have better decorum besides standing there like, hey, move along. It's like, bro, you guys caused this. Why the are you acting against us?

[C]

I am not of the litigious variety. I. I've never sued anybody. I've never threatened to sue somebody.

[A]

Me either.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Police dog bit me.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like on camera.

[C]

I'm like on camera.

[B]

On camera.

[C]

On camera.

[B]

There's some. You go real high and you'll get something. You know what I mean? You go like, Hey, 100. I need a million dollars.

[A]

I would have fell to the ground immediately.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh my God, I can't feel my back anymore.

[B]

Yeah, Give me that video. Called somebody, any lawyer. Be like, let's go high. I just want whatever.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I don't want to pay settlement.

[A]

Whatever.

[C]

Open the yellow pages and go to.

[A]

Steinbergs, Salino and Bones. Right?

[B]

To anything that ends in ski.

[C]

Yeah. No.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Give me a Steinerberg.

[B]

Yeah, that could be Polish.

[C]

Yeah, give me a Steiner Burke.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And let's start going, baby. But it was an Indian, by the way. I think definitely just didn't wanted to buy an Indian purse some. No, come on. He was. What do you smell? What is this?

[A]

Definitely stinks like. He's like, oh, it smells like the park.

[C]

He learned his lesson.

[A]

Smells like dog park.

[C]

Smells like. Wow.

[A]

You know, dog park smells like other dogs. Let's go.

[C]

Okay, so we have a fun little game we're going to play today. Listen, let's, let's, let's. Let's be honest. We're three pieces of garbage right here.

[A]

Proud garbage.

[C]

Yeah. Kind of trash.

[A]

Yeah, I'm proud of it.

[C]

I have a little game. We put Together today I found an Instagram that I love, which is, was, Is it Orlando? Shannon?

[D]

Yes. Orlando.

[C]

It's. Or Orlando mug shots. So I thought we would play a little Florida roulette.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And we're going to look at a mug shot.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And around the table.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[C]

Try and figure out what we think they did that person was arrested for.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[C]

This time. This time.

[A]

Just this time.

[C]

So it doesn't have to be what we think they're up to all the time.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

What we think led to this particular mug shot. And let's try it out.

[B]

We both went, oof.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

All right, well, first, obviously driving infraction. Or as my dad used to call it, a dwo.

[A]

Oh, looks like she stole cigarettes off the reservation.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. I, I, I'm getting now I'm getting she drank too much fire water.

[C]

Do they have those in Florida?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Maybe not. You're right. Okay. All right.

[C]

I feel like Orlando. She's gonna be Spanish and Asian.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

And that just made a Native American.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. I know she's got a little bald spot up there.

[C]

You think that could be from a fight?

[A]

Yeah. She got burned. Maybe.

[B]

Yes. This a salon.

[C]

So here's the thing. I don't think she's drunk. Cuz she'd be red.

[A]

Yeah. She'd have that Asian glow.

[C]

She'd have that Asian glow.

[A]

She had that Asian glow.

[C]

I'm gonna go. This was smuggling body.

[B]

Packing up the sniz.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Drugs, possession with intent to distribute. You guys want to try one?

[A]

Okay. I want to say just a simple dui.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

A little sauce. But you said she's not drunk because of the red. But maybe dwi. Driving under the earth while intoxicating.

[B]

This is more la. But she was like, hurry up and buy. And they didn't. And she pulled a gun. I just.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Being different.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, Shannon, if you can just.

[D]

Click away one second, I'm going to show you right here. So her name is Angelica Sanchez Batista. And you can click on it here. And she was booked with a neglect of a child.

[A]

Damn, that's sad.

[B]

As she doesn't look like she looks like a child.

[C]

She's 19.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's the word?

[C]

She's 19.

[B]

She has no remorse. She's like, yeah, that kid. Kid, I never liked it.

[A]

Never wanted pregnant.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a tough teenage mom.

[B]

Yeah. Julio knocked me up and never came back.

[C]

Poor Sanchez Batista.

[A]

That kid.

[C]

All right, moving on. Next one.

[D]

Okay, here is the next one.

[B]

Oh, had sex with a student.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that was my first thought.

[C]

Bartending at the Creek and Caves. Oh, God. Oh.

[B]

Yeah. Being really annoying at a protest.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I could see that, too. Yeah.

[B]

I don't see their names. Lady, you're in front of the Dunkin Donuts.

[A]

She stole some. Maybe from Sephora. Maybe.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Oh, she got what you call it, Maybelline for her forehead.

[A]

Yeah. She needs some dry pads.

[B]

That is reflective.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like roast ants. If she put a magnifying glass.

[A]

Pretty shiny up top there, glossy girl.

[B]

Is she a good. That is a girl.

[A]

Scholastic book fair.

[B]

She's robbed the Scholastic book.

[A]

Yeah, she robbed the Scholastic Book Fair, bro.

[B]

All these are plausible.

[C]

I am gonna go.

[A]

She's got psycho eyes, though. I don't know.

[C]

Domestic violence.

[A]

Yeah, she got crazy.

[C]

Oh, that is. That is the. The.

[B]

The stairs.

[C]

That is. That's a lesbian. And that. That was a domestic violence.

[B]

Those glasses are very lesbian.

[C]

Shannon.

[B]

Shannon, give it to us.

[D]

Everyone has their guesses in, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. So you could share this. She was charged with dealing in stolen property.

[C]

Okay. Wow. We're. We're. Oh, for. Oh. On this.

[B]

Really?

[A]

What?

[D]

I think if you click away for one second, I think I may have actually found some more information on her. Give me one second.

[A]

What is that even. She was so.

[B]

Stole toasters.

[D]

When I looked up bootleg. When I looked up her thing, because it says in parentheses, trafficking. So I looked up the codes that I found on the website, and it said, receiving money from a pawn broker by knowingly giving false information. So she basically tried to pawn something somebody stole.

[A]

She stole something and pawned it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

This. Yeah. That's like.

[C]

Have you guys ever pawned anything?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[C]

It's so humiliating.

[A]

It is. And then I would put it on loan, so then I would be like, I'm going to come back and get it. And then sometimes I would buy it back and then pawn it again. And then buy it back and then pawn it again. It was bad.

[C]

I had a roommate who would do that every. Every month when rent was due. He would pawn his own laptop.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And be like, I'm trying to find another job, but they have my laptop.

[A]

Yeah, pawn it again.

[C]

And then I had another roommate who do. This was so dirty. He. He loves to be with a chicken. And he goes, hey, listen, we gotta leave. But she left her violin, and it's worth a lot of money, so if you Want to take it down to the pawn shop? I'll say I didn't pack it. So I'm like, all right. So I take this violin to the pawn shop, thinking, like, today's my day.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because obviously I'm a smart guy.

[A]

It's a violin.

[C]

It's a violin.

[A]

Violin.

[C]

What am I, an asshole?

[A]

Exactly. Am I not gonna do that?

[C]

What kind of a shithead would I be? I walk in, and the guy looks at the violin. I mean, doesn't even look me in the eye, and then just goes on ebay and writes the name and make of the violin and goes. It says here, 25. Yeah, I don't want it.

[A]

Yeah. I'm rejecting this violin.

[C]

He rejected my violin. And I just had to walk back out with my violin in my head. It's me standing there with him being like. Like, can you do 825?

[A]

Exactly. We're gonna negotiate on this.

[C]

Oh, I'm ready to go full pawn star. Like, I've been watching. I'm ready.

[A]

Ready to negotiate.

[C]

Because he's gonna be like, well, I gotta sell it. I'll be like, yeah, but it doesn't take up that much space. You know, it's nice to have in the window, attract the higher clientele. I. I got my whole argument ahead of me.

[A]

He's just like, no, I don't want it.

[C]

And he goes, just. Nah. No interest. Oh, is humiliated. All right, Shannon, let's do another one.

[B]

Oh, she's the cutest. Maybe the second one was cuter. I don't know. I know that's not what we're doing. I'm doing it.

[A]

She's all right.

[C]

Possession of ecstasy.

[B]

This looks. This.

[C]

Can we get closer in on her pupils?

[B]

She also. Yeah. Oh, that might. Okay. Interesting. She also has a. Like. Yeah. She also has a look of like, I caught my man, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Domestic.

[B]

Texting some other. And I went. And I.

[C]

You realize that just. You just meant she's Hispanic.

[B]

Yes, I did. Yes. Thank you.

[A]

Latina. Yes.

[B]

Yes. Every Latino looks like they just committed a violent.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I'm gonna say she did something like.

[C]

Yeah. Like she covered a guy in Gasolina.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm going with theft.

[B]

Theft, assault.

[A]

Theft.

[C]

I'm a Possession of ecstasy.

[A]

There you go. Drugs.

[B]

So specific. One of us is going to be right.

[D]

Domestic violence.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah.

[C]

What the.

[D]

Her name Jaishka.

[C]

That can't be a Rodriguez or. It's supposed to be, right? Yeah, yeah, No, I think that's just.

[B]

That's. Yeah. They. They have funny.

[C]

All right. I love this. I'm having fun.

[B]

Hell, yeah. I'm so hyped. Any Latina. Dude, they're spicy. Somebody drank all the Mountain Dew out of the place.

[A]

A lot of these girls bald. Up top, bro. What's going on with these in Florida, man?

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

It needs some neutral.

[B]

I just hear her voice is like.

[A]

My one eye is definitely not bigger than the other one.

[C]

Can you retake the picture, please? She definitely has really pretty friends that she drives around.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's one of them.

[C]

This is. This is on 10 and 2 while hot girls are texting.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

He is the designated driver.

[C]

She lets them pick the music in her car.

[A]

The ox cord is for them?

[C]

Yeah, the cord is. Yeah, she. She prepares it for them.

[B]

How do my eyebrows look?

[C]

Oh, man.

[B]

Yeah, she also. She has.

[C]

She looks miserable. Yeah.

[A]

Albanian.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just kidding. I don't know. Maybe she's bad.

[C]

No, there's some.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's the. It's the. The lips.

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna say.

[B]

Dude, this is tough, cuz. Yeah. I don't know. The la. The one that really. That librarian really threw me.

[A]

I'm neglect of a child on this one.

[B]

Okay, another neglect.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna go with that.

[B]

Arson. Let's just.

[A]

Yeah, that's awesome.

[C]

All right. I am gonna go. Shoplifting.

[B]

Yeah, it is shoplifting.

[C]

I know it.

[A]

That would make sense.

[D]

Okay, so this one's a weird one.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

She was booked for 20 charges of. Of practicing medicine without a license.

[A]

That is crazy. And then if you click away for a minute, Motel 6.

[D]

I found an article about it.

[C]

Oh, was she putting concrete and shooting them up?

[B]

That'd be nice.

[A]

Concrete.

[D]

So in this particular. You can share this if you want. So in this particular one, it said that she was treating a customer's double chin area. And then this. This is the girl. Oh, and she said she treated her once and then she severely burned her and then continued to treat her for eight more times to try to treat the damage.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

And then they found out that she was doing this without a license.

[C]

Did she have her own place or. She.

[D]

I think she was working at a place.

[C]

Okay, she's just a liar.

[D]

Yeah. And this girl, she wasn't taking money from her. She was. She did it in exchange for using her photos online.

[A]

What the. That is clout chasing. So weird.

[C]

Yeah. I bet you gave her a ride to and from, though.

[A]

Yeah, I'm staying.

[C]

I'm still with the. That's the girl. To drive people around. Let's do at least one more.

[D]

Yeah, I have just one more. Here's the last one.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's a meth head right there.

[B]

Yeah, I was. Yeah. Dude. Public.

[A]

Look at them eyebrows, baby.

[B]

Not public. And toxic. What is it?

[C]

The. The.

[B]

You know, smoking meth on the park, Drug possession, Screaming at an alligator. That is like a rock or something.

[A]

Oh, no, they got tails.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it a crocodile or alligator? I can't tell.

[C]

Look at the snout.

[B]

Like, lady, that's a failure to appear. O. I'm s. Yeah, I'm saying public drugs.

[A]

I say public.

[B]

Yes. Free basing or something.

[C]

Shannon.

[B]

Or prostitution. Sorry.

[D]

So while I pull it up, extra points if you can guess her age.

[C]

Oh, 24.

[B]

Yeah. Damn it.

[D]

Any other guesses?

[A]

36.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

27.

[D]

Okay. You could share this now. So she's 33.

[A]

Close.

[D]

And it was a battery. Domestic battery.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Yeah, that'll do it.

[D]

Also, if anybody watches Love island, this is just pretty funny because she does look just like her.

[B]

There is prettiness there. It's just. Yeah, she's got a rough go of it. She has really great eyes. Honestly. Beautiful eyes.

[A]

Pretty eyes.

[C]

Did you. Do you ever watch those channels where they interview hookers?

[A]

I used to.

[C]

YouTube. Well, they'll be like. They'll be like, how long you. How long you been in town for where you stay like that? I feel like one out of every 10. I'm like, she's not bad.

[A]

No, no, not at all.

[C]

Some are tough.

[A]

No, some are rough.

[C]

Yeah. I think you got to catch them on the beginning of the trajectory.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, well, it's like porn stars.

[C]

They're.

[B]

They're not like hooker hookers, but they're hooker.

[C]

They're. Yeah, but they're also not in the sun all day.

[B]

I was about sitting out in the sun all day. But they're what? They're the best case scenario behind the.

[A]

7 11, just hanging out, walking around.

[C]

Yeah. They're not trying to find shade behind a la quinta that I'm staying in, by the way. Now, Jerry, when you said you would get a sex worker while you triggered, what would you have. What would you have gone for? What would be, like, the request?

[A]

I would. Yeah. I mean, I would like, because my wife is thicker. She's a bigger girl, so I would want a smaller one so I could throw her around a little bit.

[C]

I know that feeling.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

She's hard to throw my wife around. Not that I don't love it. You know, I put her on the edge of the bed, you know, it's easy. But I want to be able to pick a girl up and throw her around a little bit.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, so. Hey, can I beat the out of you?

[A]

Yeah. No, I know you, daddy.

[C]

My wife's got a massive ass.

[A]

Yeah. And I love my wife.

[C]

All I want when I watch porn is fat tips, tits.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I used to have a girl with giant tits and all I watched was big butt porn.

[A]

Right. Because we want what we can't.

[C]

Yeah, you always want the.

[A]

Yeah, it's human nature.

[C]

Yeah. So I think that's why I feel like every time I go to a strip club, I'm always like, I want a black one.

[A]

Yeah. A black skinny one, which are like the unicorns, because you can't really find them a lot.

[C]

Yeah, that or an Asian with big naturals.

[B]

Dude, it's the best.

[A]

That's even hard.

[C]

Yeah. Asian with big tits.

[A]

Yeah, that's natural. I love a natural natural. I did.

[B]

I miss him.

[A]

What about you? What kind of hooker would you go for?

[B]

Black. I've never had sex with a black chick, so I got.

[A]

Never yet.

[B]

No. And it's. It's not for lack of trying. It's just.

[A]

It hasn't happened yet.

[B]

Yeah. And I also. It's not like I'm hang. I don't hang out with the black chicks. Like, I don't know where they hang out.

[C]

So it's probably because you call them the black.

[B]

Just.

[C]

It's probably bad. It's probably because you go to places and go, hey, where all the black. Where do the black chicks hang out?

[B]

Yeah, it's got a kfc.

[C]

Yeah, that's where they hang.

[B]

Crown fried. Yeah.

[C]

No. Yeah. If it's a K. That doesn't stand for Kennedy.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

A Crunchy Kennedy. Excuse me. Kennedy. There's a few.

[A]

Yeah, there's Kennedy. There's crown fried on the road.

[C]

There's crispy. Crunchy.

[A]

Chicken is really good.

[B]

Yeah, it's just lack of the environment.

[C]

I.

[A]

You know, I could introduce you to something.

[B]

Let's do it. Dude, I'm. I'm for it, so. Yeah. Yeah, that's just. It's honest. It's like, not to be, you know, too gross. It's just like the only one. The only, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Middle Eastern.

[B]

Yeah. Yo, that's great. In Philly, a girl after a show. It was the tomato show. I don't know if they throw tomatoes.

[A]

Yes, I've heard it was wild.

[B]

She took me back to her place and I Couldn't figure out what she was. And then when we were hooking up, I'm looking around and she had pictures of her family and her, and they're all in burkas. And I was like, oh, hell, yeah. Her family would kill her right now.

[A]

Haram. Right now.

[B]

They knew. Yeah. But it was. It was.

[C]

She's probably gonna figure it out. The way she said tomato.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She wasn't all, but she. Yeah, yeah, I should have known. But, yeah, she wasn't all, you know, burk it up.

[C]

Yeah, she was. It was the.

[B]

She's modern.

[C]

Yeah. American. She's Americanized.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah, there's that. A few Asians. Yeah. Hispanic chicks. A lot of white chicks, you know, because of me.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, just. Just haven't been able to. The stars have not aligned, so I have faith it'll happen. I'm still.

[C]

You know, I. I recently saw a black chick that I used to hook up with, like, maybe 12, 14 years ago, and, man, time was not coming. I know. I listen, I look like. Yeah, no, I look. No, trust me. I wasn't good to start with. I have aged poorly. I've terrible.

[A]

I think she's cute.

[C]

I mean, really, really, really gross. This girl aged like the. Ain't nobody got time for that, lady.

[A]

Ain't nobody got time for that.

[C]

This girl, when I met her 10 years ago, was tiny and tight and fucking. Not a wrinkle on her. And I don't know what happened, but she was an old black lady. I have no idea. Like, this young girl that I used to hook up with that would wait. I actually. I ghosted her. And then she lied and she told all her friends that we broke up because my penis was too salt small to physically have sex with me.

[B]

Thanks, Shannon.

[A]

Call your mom. Call your dad. Hide him.

[C]

Hide them all.

[A]

Hide your mom. Hide your dad.

[C]

I saw her on the street and she was so. All I remember is just. They mean, like, she's so old. And I'm sure she was like, he got so fat.

[B]

I've had that. A few. A few chicks who were like smoke shows when I was a kid. I run into them and I. I leave being like. Because they're like, we should hang out. I'm like, nah, if this was 10 years ago, you wouldn't even want to hang. And now shit's gone sideways.

[A]

They peaked back then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shoulda. Yeah. Do Pilates.

[C]

Do this. But it was. This is. There was the girl that used to wake up. It was when I was working night selling Tickets. And this lovely woman.

[A]

Lovely woman. I love that.

[C]

7:15 in the morning, every day would wake me up to say she needed breakfast. And I'm like, I went to bed at 5, and she's like, you love to sleep in.

[A]

You're like, I work till five in the morning, bitch.

[C]

And then she would literally, like, be going through menus and she'd be like, I want something savory, but I also want something. Something crunchy. And she's just, like, going through menus, like, giving me instructions.

[B]

Take something.

[A]

What do you want? No, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Oh, and then you gotta tell them what they want.

[C]

Oh. And she told me she never. She would never eat anything that came out of the microwave.

[A]

What?

[C]

I know, right?

[A]

No, I'm the microwave queen.

[C]

And she had no money. Like, I understand being bougie and rich and being like, hey, I can't eat that. I'll get my own thing. It was that she would come over with no money.

[A]

Yeah. And expect it.

[C]

Yeah. I remember one time she was like, let's make Bellinis. And I'm like, what? And she's like, just get like. Like a 70 bottle of champagne. And I'm like. And we're gonna put juice in it. Yeah, fuck you. We're getting a $8 bottle of champagne and fucking Snapple Mango. Are you nuts? I'm not spending money on Bellinis.

[A]

Just tell her you got the $70 champagne. Bitch wouldn't know anything. Yeah, it's fucked.

[C]

That's the least. If you could. I can't imagine. And I, like, like champagne now.

[A]

Me too.

[C]

I really like it. And I still like.

[A]

It's a fun buzz, too.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's like a bubbly.

[B]

Tastes good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I'm a bit. I don't drink, like, shitty. Not. I can't. I drink like a girl. Like, I drink anything. Tastes fruity. If you give me, like, hard alcohol, like, by itself. Like, if a guy's like, have a glass of whiskey, I'm like, oh, dude.

[C]

I had a shot.

[A]

No, thanks.

[C]

I had a shot of Malort over the weekend.

[A]

I've never had. To Chicago.

[B]

Lor Culvert. I've been there, dude.

[A]

I never had it.

[B]

Way better. Whatever. You. Is that good whiskey? Yeah.

[C]

No, no. So Malort is like. It's a Chicago thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That Midwest, I guess.

[A]

Midwest, yeah.

[B]

I've never heard of this.

[C]

So it's. It's like the shot you dare people to do at the bar.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, it tastes like you're doing a shot of the bar.

[A]

Oh, just rank a dank.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

You can smell a bar from outside.

[B]

It's like the low is this low level alcohol. Like, like.

[C]

Shannon, bring up whatever. Malort.

[A]

Malort.

[D]

It's a liqueur.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

It tastes like wood. It physically tastes like the bar. You're eating a tree and imagine but like the burn of like high volume liquor.

[D]

It says that it's a wormwood based liqueur known for its strong, pungent flavor, often described as medicinal, citrusly and intensely bitter.

[C]

It was awful.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I love Jaeger, so I thought I could do this.

[A]

Yeah. Jaeger's like licoricey though.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, it's a little licorice. I could.

[C]

I could love Jaeger, love Zambuca, do that, love that flavor. And I was like, oh, this probably is the same family, right? I've had absinthe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was about to say yeah, yeah.

[A]

It'S not that bad.

[B]

What about the.

[D]

Just real quick, just a couple other descriptions. People have used pencil shavings. Yeah, I got that old battery rust. Oh, me grapefruit pith and menthol.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Black people like it.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a Newport. Newport right there.

[B]

Give me some of that murder wall, whatever y' all call it.

[C]

Show me pencil shavings.

[A]

Send me the short on. Now.

[C]

Let me get a Lucy. You said it's called the shot.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Let me get a Lucy and Marlo. Sure. It's a shot of.

[A]

Marlo.

[B]

Stupid.

[C]

I'm sorry. Yeah, man, it was. Yeah, it was. It was. So have I told you guys about Johnny brings a Bar?

[A]

No. What's up with that?

[B]

Is that the guy who chugs everything?

[C]

No, that's my friend, Badlands. Okay, so Johnny brings a bar is my friend from Buffalo and his name was Johnny brings a Bar because he had in his trunk a collapsible bar.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

That's awesome.

[C]

So it would. You could put ice in the bottom and then the liquor bottles, all you could stack in two shelves and it would fold down. Wow. So he would go to people's house parties. You would open the garage door and he would back his car and open up the back and you would dump ice in the back of the car. And it would be a portable bar. Johnny brings a bar.

[A]

Johnny Brings a bar.

[C]

And Johnny had a trick of bars that I've seen him do a bunch of times. And for people that listen to the show Dirty. Say this before I apologize. It was Called the Johnny Five. And if I ever. If he ever does this again, I will be trying to get Malort involved. The Johnny Five was his trick where he would bet anyone at the. This is real old school bar scumbag shit where you're like making bets and shit.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

About what you can do at the bar.

[A]

And you better do it or not.

[C]

Yeah, it's like some Cheers kind of.

[B]

Yeah. I can drink this beer with a cigarette.

[C]

Yeah. So he got the Johnny 5 was he would bet anyone in the bar that if they bought them, he could do any five shots of whatever you picked in the order you picked up. Them. Them. And he would get down on one knee and people would be like, all right, vodka, Jager, whiskey, rum, you know, peppermint schnaur. And he would bang all five. And now I. My. I've always wanted to figure out what I could get to the get him. And I feel like I would put Malord in.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then put my Lord in again.

[A]

Yeah. Third and then last. Or second and then last.

[C]

I would do make him switch from light to dark.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

Then a Malort. Then go back to like a 151 and another Mallard turkey.

[B]

He's never vomited?

[C]

No, I've never seen him not do it.

[B]

This is. Yeah, this is. Yeah, this. He's. He's a tank.

[C]

Shannon, what would be.

[B]

How big is this guy?

[C]

Regular size. Regular dude.

[B]

Interesting.

[C]

Shannon, what would be your strategy?

[D]

I think after the first Malort, you use the. What's the. The guinea clear after dinner.

[C]

Zambuca.

[D]

Yeah, I would put a Zambuca in there. Like I would do after the first Malort. A Zambuca start a tequila. Malort. Zambuca Malort. And then. Oh, I would say 151. Oh, I do like the 151. So switches tequila for 151. And I just hate gin, personally.

[B]

No one said gin or scotch.

[A]

Does anyone take shots?

[C]

I don't think people do shots.

[B]

Orange, Scotch. And you're not supposed to because I learned that the hard way. Because I grew up, everyone I drank with, they just drank. It wasn't even like shots. They were like, fill your mouth with alcohol. So we just drink bottles of whatever. And that's how I learned you don't do that with Jenner.

[A]

That's why you Cosmos.

[B]

Yeah, that's what. I've gone completely the other way. I won't. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You're traumatized. You're like, I only want girly drinks.

[B]

Yeah, dude, I don't do that.

[C]

I get embarrassed because I vomited a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Love bourbon. I like shitty bourbon. Like, give me an Old Crow.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Give me an Evan Williams. Jim Beam is my preferred. If we're. If we're going out and somebody else is paying Maker's Mark.

[B]

I was about to say I have it in my.

[A]

Yeah, I have Maker's Mark in my trunk.

[C]

A Maker's Mark I'm great with. Once Scotch comes into play, I just do not have the palette for it.

[A]

Scotch is a different.

[C]

I have. I have a friend that goes to Ireland every year and brings back, like, night. Like, you know, this town makes this once a year. It's 350a bottle. They only make a hundred of them. You have to, like, go sign up on a list to get it, and all these diesel sit with, like, snifters of it. Yeah. And I'll be like, this tastes like.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like it.

[A]

In Europe. They don't.

[C]

And then you don't want to tell them, like, this is awful. Oh, I know. The whole time we were in Europe, the whole time we were in Europe, they got so mad at me.

[A]

Like, Johnny Walker or something is, like, the closest.

[C]

When I would try and order a Jack and Coke at the bar, they would look at me like a crazy person.

[A]

Same. And I'm just. So I just get Johnny Walker Red because that was, like, the closest I could get to bourbon, but I would just go gmo. Jameson. Yeah, that's. Yeah, it's another one.

[C]

That was the easiest way to do that.

[A]

Yeah. Because they don't. They don't have any bourbon over there.

[C]

The comedy club menu sucked over every comedy club we did. The menu would be like, a tasting menu. Like. Oh. I mean, one night I just drank whiskey and had olives because that was the closest thing I could find to something that sounded like food.

[A]

Yeah. Little snack.

[C]

All right, what do we got? We got one more thing before we get out of here. Okay. Creepy shower. And Airbnb has travelers shocked.

[D]

So let me see. Which I'll start here. So. So these people that rented this, Airbnb went into the shower and saw this window. Let me try to make it bigger. So this is what it looked like inside their shower. So there's a window, and then there's, like, windows and, like, another apartment upstairs.

[A]

Like a skylight.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

In their shower.

[C]

But they're not on the top floor. Well, they're in the top floor of this part.

[D]

Well, there's. There's another floor. So what they think is that the owner of the Airbnb, like, also has this next apartment upstairs and did this on purpose that they could spy on them, maybe.

[B]

Is this in the city?

[D]

Let me. Let me double check where it is.

[B]

Because, yes, I feel like voyeurism out here is a thing, too. Like, people build that so they can.

[A]

Be watched, but that's very innovative.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very architectural. Innovative to do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I will say it was a frequent. And I think it's public knowledge, the guy who used to manage a bunch of us lives in the top floor of a building, but it's the shortest building in that neighborhood. So his roof was like the sixth floor and everything else was like 10 or 20 floors. And we all would hang out there at night and smoke cigarettes on his roof. Because you just saw naked people every night.

[A]

Yeah, you could just look in all the windows, look all around and.

[C]

Yeah, you saw people fuck. Like, once there were ladies that definitely knew it. Like, there were ladies.

[A]

Blinds open. I'm looking.

[C]

There would be ladies that would shower with the thing open.

[B]

Enjoy it. It's. They know they're being watched. It's a part of.

[C]

I like to hope they did.

[B]

No, they did.

[C]

I don't think they knew it was the funniest people in the world. Plus me just watching. Yeah.

[A]

Lurking.

[B]

There's a. There's an allure to it, though, where they know they've been. They've seen other people see them before. And they like it. Yeah, they're like.

[A]

They like it.

[C]

Sometimes I feel that way when people are having a really loud. Like, you ever hear your neighbors?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah, People have heard me. The police have been called a few times.

[C]

Times.

[A]

I thought I was, like, abusing my wife, but, yeah, I was just beating up.

[C]

Beating that.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I know she's Asian.

[A]

No. But I'm watching even when I'm walking past, like, same apartments I try. Or your brownstone or whatever. I'm watching you eat dinner, bro.

[B]

I try. If it's open and it. There's. Yeah. If there's no one on the street with me, I'll be looking. Like, what's going on in there? Especially if. Yeah. They don't see me. I'm like, I'll try to see what they're watching on tv, but if there's nothing going on, I leave. But if there's, like, I. I always want to see someone. I just.

[C]

For me, it's hotels. When you're across from another hotel and you could look in and you could just. And I'll. Dude, I'll stand There. Like a pig. Yeah, I'll just stand there, right?

[A]

And.

[C]

And I'm just scanning the rear window situation. Oh, it's so fun. And even if you see nothing, I.

[A]

Still like to look.

[C]

Dude, when I used to be a telemarketer, I had this little chubby Jewish lady boss who was so mean. She was just. It was a die. Like, we do.

[B]

We were.

[C]

You would talk about a sad state of affairs. We were renewing magazine subscriptions, and we're well into the Internet. Like, this is, like.

[A]

Nothing's on post 20 anymore.

[C]

This is like 2013.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

That's 2014, and we're telemarketing magazines.

[A]

That's sad.

[C]

And just. You could tell the business is dying and this lady's just hemorrhaging money. We kept having to move to smaller offices.

[A]

She's, like, doing in my living room.

[C]

Now hammering movie hen. Excuse me, Hammering money. And there was all office buildings across from us. And there was a guy that used to clean his apartment naked.

[A]

Yeah. Big old dick just vacuuming with his dick swinging.

[C]

And she kept calling the police.

[A]

No.

[C]

And the police would go, ma', am, where is he? She goes, like, he's in his apartment. And then the cops would go, ma', am, stop looking.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And she would go, no, there's women that work here. It's indecent exposure. He knows. And he goes, ma', am, you're looking in his window. You're the one committing a crime.

[A]

That's true. That is true.

[C]

Cause there was, like, a photography studio on the same floor as our telemarketing office. And she came in to tell us that the police were there because. Because two people were caught having sex in the bathroom. And she's just. So you know, there were people having sex in our bathroom. I called the police. They have been arrested. Does anybody have any questions? And I went, are they hiring?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Can I work for them instead?

[C]

Bro, that lady was the worst. Every day, she would order from the same deli that would fuck her food.

[A]

Up just to complain. Probably just the same.

[C]

It was this. It was. I want an iced coffee. No hazelnut. I'm not. I'm allergic to hazelnut. Hazelnut coffee. Three out of five times. Well, because they speak English, so they just heard hazelnut.

[A]

Hazelnut, isn't it? Yeah.

[C]

And then it was her order. It'll never. It always shook me a blt. No luck.

[A]

No lettuce.

[B]

No lettuce.

[C]

So you think you would go, let me just get a bacon and tomato sandwich.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

They're gonna fuck it up 100%. Because now you're yelling on the phone to Mexicans, Noel. And they're like. They think you're talking to a guy in the back who's gonna make the sandwich.

[A]

Noel. Back there.

[C]

And every day was, I need a. I need a blt, Noel. They gave me L yesterday. And then they would fuck it up every day. And then she would call and scream.

[B]

You could throw it off too.

[C]

Scream. And then every, like, once a month, she'd be like, let me order everybody lunch. It would be like, can it not be from the place?

[A]

Right about that.

[C]

You scream at on the phone every.

[A]

Day, spitting our food. Yeah, no, thanks.

[C]

All right. I think we are about done. Ski. We got plugs and everything out of the way, right? Yeah.

[A]

That was fun.

[C]

Okay. Thank you. That's great, Shannon.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. Thank you so much. Please. Check out the pimp daddy pod. Check out Super Selly Joe's. Yes. And, hey, if I'm gonna see you this weekend, the gathering in the Juggalos give me a big old whoop whoop. I'll be driving around on a golf cart with various substances. And if you have some, you can give them to me. All right, thank you. See you there. Bye. Bye. Just like the favorite OB Join the crew. It's Acamiko morning, too. It's Acamiko morning, too.