0041. Tristan Bowling and Dave Sirus

Summary

Podcast Summary: Zac Amico's Morning Zoo

Episode 0041: With Guests Tristan Bowling & Dave Sirus
Date: September 5, 2025
Network: GaS Digital

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Overview

This episode of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo is a raucous, unpredictable ride through reality TV obsessions, wild road stories from the stand-up circuit, morbid curiosities, and signature irreverent banter. Zac is joined by comedians Tristan Bowling and Dave Sirus—along with occasional input from producer Shannon Lee—for a show that veers between TV show deep-dives, bizarre tour mishaps, dark comedy about medical oddities, and discussions of recent weird news.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comics and Mornings: The Struggle is Real

• [02:00] Zac, Tristan, and Dave open with banter about how difficult it is for comedians to wake up early enough for a “morning zoo” show.
  • Zac shares, “It is very hard to book comics before this. You tried to do 9am and 10am and it is fucking tough.”
  • Tristan confesses he had to cut back on video games just to show up.

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2. Reality TV Obsessions: Naked & Afraid, Love Shows, and British Oddities

• [03:09-11:58] The crew dives into reality TV:
  • Naked and Afraid: Dave describes his love for the show, likening it to pro wrestling for its participant drama.
    • Dave: “It’s realizing how dark the lives of the people who need to do this are... my life has sucked so much that not eating for three weeks in this desert is fine.” [04:00]
  • Other Reality Shows: There’s a tangent about Alone, 90 Day Fiancé, and a British dating show where contestants are eliminated based on full-frontal nudity alone.
    • Zac details the hilariously brutal elimination process: “No talk, no questions. No interaction. Then it goes up to, like, their armpits, and you eliminate another person. Then it shows their face, then you eliminate another person, and that’s when you start to talk to them.” [09:00]
  • The trio keeps riffing creative observations about the human condition revealed by these shows, with plenty of crude humor.

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3. Wild Road Story: One-Armed Comic, Jail & Gas Station Sleuthing

• [12:15-24:21] Zac recounts a recent road adventure:
  • He was on a run through Tennessee, Kentucky, and Ohio, driven by his feature J. Wall, a comic born without one arm—whom Zac hilariously describes.
  • Crisis hits: J. Wall gets arrested after dozing off in a gas station parking lot, suspected of being passed out from drugs by attendants, and then charged with public intoxication (not a DUI—“so much better than a DUI though” [20:18], jokes Tristan).
  • Zac and the MC’s convoluted search to pick J. Wall up from jail is classic road gig mayhem, featuring a fat opener’s deep knowledge of which gas stations have which fast food:
    • “Young Luke... went ‘Pilots don’t have McDonald’s, Pilots have Wendy’s. Loves have McDonald’s.’ What a Rhodes scholar, dude.” [21:00]
  • The segment is a highlight of degenerate camaraderie and mid-level stand-up gig glory.
  • Quip from Zac: “Not only did he have the name of the wrong gas station, he told us we were looking for a Pilot. It was a Loves... the Bloods and Crips of truck stop gas stations.” [20:57]

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4. Conjoined Twins: In Love, Teachers, Country Stars, and Brain Science

• [30:03-46:44] The group discusses the viral news about conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel, exploring the mechanics of their bodies, their marriage, and their unusual lives.
  • Dave ponders, half-seriously: “Isn’t anyone else just, like, shocked at how well things have gone for them? ... You’re so used to these being, like, really sad... but they have a kid and a family!” [32:27]
  • The conversation detours into infamous conjoined twins from talk show history—one of whom transitioned gender, another who hated her sister’s taste in country music, and the ethics of separation surgeries.
  • Zac: “If I was the straight one, I might go, you know what? This guy’s gonna... for the good...” [34:45]
  • Dave, with characteristic dark humor: “If only one likes something, it’s still rape.” [36:39]

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5. The Mutter Museum, Medical Oddities, and Morbid Fascination

• [45:08-47:41] Zac and Dave bond over their visits to Philadelphia’s Mutter Museum, home to medical oddities. Skulls, iron lungs, and outdated terms for disabilities in the skull collection are discussed.
  • Dave: “Some just say idiot. Idiot, Jew, cretin...” [46:06]
  • The museum contains a fascinoma of oddities—"drawers and drawers of shit you can go through." [47:11]
  • The tone is one of fascinated morbidity, reveling in the grotesque.

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6. Pentagon Pizza Index: When Deep State Jokes Become Real

• [53:11-56:22] Zac shares the bizarre but real “Pentagon Pizza Index” story—a Cold War-era espionage technique tracking when and how much the Pentagon orders pizza as a measure of looming crises.
  • Dave quips: “Are they also able to determine how dire the situation is by what pizza they’re ordering? ... if you’re ordering Papa John’s, you know, death is near.” [54:19]
  • The group riffs on Comet Ping Pong, Pizzagate lore, and the absurd potential for misinterpretation.
  • “Dude, that is very specific. Like that is a question you ask in the Verizon store... ‘Can I talk to my dad [from jail]?’” [16:17]

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7. Stingray Sold to a Chinese Restaurant (Or Not)

• [58:07-60:56] They react to a viral video showing NYC men selling a “found” stingray to a Chinese restaurant.
  • Sirus: “The word ‘found’ here is the problem with this headline. Those men did not find a stingray. Acquire is more correct.” [58:12]

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8. Plus-Size Model’s Dating Struggles

• [67:03-73:23] The crew reviews a viral story about a 6’0, 385-pound plus-size model saying men are “ashamed” to be seen with large women.
  • Extended, explicit appreciation for her looks (“That’s my speed,” says Zac [69:42]), and sympathy for the social double standard.
  • Dave: “I would say the blonde is the hot one... But yeah, that’s bigger than I’ve ever dated, but very pretty face.... If that’s what you’re into, I totally get it.” [70:44/71:07]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On reality TV’s appeal:
  Dave: “It’s actually a lot like wrestling... It’s realizing how dark the lives of the people who need to do this are.” [03:56]
• On survival shows:
  Tristan: “There’s always some bitch every season here just being like, ‘These are the good berries!’... then just diarrhea sounds and a helicopter coming to take them out.” [04:26]
• On the uniqueness of British dating shows:
  Zac: “It starts at the bottom and it reveals them up to like, the waist, completely naked... No talk, no questions, no interaction.” [08:46]
• Road gig madness:
  Zac: “Now I get to knock off my road list picking up a one-armed white guy with cornrows from jail in the middle of a tour.” [17:39]
• Gas station detective work:
  Zac: “Young Luke, our navigator, was a fat little shit because he went ‘Pilots don’t have McDonald’s... Loves have McDonald’s. What a Rhodes scholar, dude!’” [21:00]
• On conjoined twins and sex:
  Dave: “It would be so mean if they didn’t let her participate in the lovemaking. Like this guy...” [35:31]
  Tristan: “Just cuddle buddies forever. That’s crazy.” [34:17]
• On the Pentagon Pizza Index:
  Zac: “Apparently they’ve been tracking this since the Cold War because they realized the Soviets were using it... To track how many late night meetings, how many people were staying overtime at the Pentagon.” [53:54]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [02:00-05:00] Mornings vs. Comics
• [03:09-11:58] Reality TV Deep Dive (Naked & Afraid, Alone, 90 Day Fiancé, British nude dating)
• [12:15-24:21] Zac’s Road Story: J. Wall, Jail, Gas Station Detective
• [30:03-46:44] Conjoined Twins: Abby & Brittany, Country Stars, Gender and Brain Science
• [45:08-47:41] Mutter Museum & Morbid Medical Oddities
• [53:11-56:22] Pentagon Pizza Index – Pizza and Espionage
• [58:07-60:56] Viral News: Stingray Sold to Restaurant
• [67:03-73:23] Plus-Size Model, Dating and Beauty Standards

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Tone & Style

• Uncensored, dark, and irreverent: The show’s signature humor is brash, uncensored, and heavy on gallows humor, making even medical oddities and jail time fodder for laughs.
• Conversational and riff-driven: Much of the humor is in the spontaneous riffing and interplay between Zac, Tristan, and Dave, who are quick to jump from topic to bizarre tangent.
• Self-aware degenerate perspective: The hosts are fully aware—and proud—of their status as “lovable degenerates,” leaning into grotesque and taboo-comedy territory.

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For Listeners: Why This Episode?

Whether you love reality TV, want to hear truly wild “life on the road” stories, or have a penchant for the morbid and taboo, this episode is a quintessential slice of unhinged, drive-time comedy radio for weirdos. There’s an endless stream of jokes, strange knowledge, and “I-can’t-believe-they-said-that” moments—with just enough heart and human insight to balance the chaos.

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Next Episodes: Zac and crew release three episodes per week, with the Friday show for subscribers only on gasdigital.com.

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If you enjoy raw, high-energy, boundary-pushing comedy and can stomach a little darkness (and a lot of chaos), Morning Zoo is your new breakfast club.

Transcript

[Shannon]

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[Zach Amico]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go Zach Amico's got a show Animals are here to play jokes against you Start your day till the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laugh is waiting, don't be shy Stretch.

[Dave Cyrus]

Your legs and touch the sky Grab.

[Zach Amico]

A coffee and join the crew It's Akamiko.

[Dave Cyrus]

Whoop whoop.

[Zach Amico]

Morning too. Woo hoo. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Rabbit, rabbit. It' day of the week, the first day of the month. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zach Amico. And I just got here from Kentucky. I was asleep on the couch five minutes ago and here I am. And across the table from me, two very wonderful, talented gentlemen from the Modern Apes podcast, it's our good friend, Tristan Bowling.

[Tristan Bowling]

What's up, gang?

[Zach Amico]

How you doing, dude?

[Tristan Bowling]

Doing good. Thanks for having me.

[Zach Amico]

My pleasure. Thank you so much for being here. And next to him, one of my absolute favorites. And I'm so glad whenever he takes his time out to fucking hang out here, it's Dave Cyrus.

[Dave Cyrus]

Hey, how we doing?

[Zach Amico]

How you doing, brother?

[Dave Cyrus]

Pretty good. Glad to be here. I love that this is what time Morning Zoo counts as now.

[Zach Amico]

This is what I. Okay, first of all, LA drive time.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, that's true.

[Tristan Bowling]

That is true. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And yes, this is as morning as I'm. It is very hard to book comics before this.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, I.

[Zach Amico]

You tried to do 9am and 10am and it is fucking tough.

[Dave Cyrus]

This is on the fence for me.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like being here by noon is a lot for my schedule, for my lifestyle.

[Zach Amico]

Yes, 100%.

[Tristan Bowling]

I did have to like, not do certain things last night. Like I was sitting there, I'm like, well, I could play more video games. I'm like, I can't. I have to wake up before noon tomorrow.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I got in from my gig last night, I think at 1:30 and I was up at 4:45 to go to the airport.

[Dave Cyrus]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

So I'm feeling it, baby.

[Dave Cyrus]

Had I not been asked to do this, I would have stayed up to watch when Naked and Afraid apocalypse comes out at 3:00am you know what?

[Zach Amico]

I don't blame you on that one.

[Dave Cyrus]

It's. It's. It's a Naked and Afraid special where they just put them in this area of Africa that was like destroyed by fires. So there's no supplies except for like some desiccated old, like houses. Just.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

And they have to like, figure out how to.

[Zach Amico]

Skeletons with tires on them. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Shannon]

I watched it this morning, Dave. On my. On getting ready to come in today. I watched it this morning. The new episode.

[Dave Cyrus]

Nice.

[Shannon]

A pretty good one.

[Zach Amico]

Was it everything you wanted? No.

[Dave Cyrus]

Was there lots of good suffering?

[Shannon]

Not enough.

[Dave Cyrus]

Okay.

[Tristan Bowling]

Did it look like Post Blast California from Terminator 2?

[Zach Amico]

That's what it looked like. No more.

[Dave Cyrus]

That is actually exactly what it looks like. It looks like that thing where it's like, this used to be a playground. Used to be a car. Let's turn it upside down and use it to smoke meat in sort of thing.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, that's fun.

[Dave Cyrus]

I just love Naked and Afraid because it's actually a lot like wrestling where it's like. It's not the act of the survivalism I love so much. It's realizing how dark the lives of the people who need to do this are. Because, like, naked and afraid, it's always. It's not like people who are. Have had good lives. It's people who are like, my life has sucked so much that not eating for three weeks in this desert is fine.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. And everyone can watch.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that's. I'm more of an alone guy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

That show, it's so funny because there's like, There'll be. There's always some bitch every season here. Just being like. Like, these are the good berries. I'm gonna eat them. And then just hard cuts to being like, I don't think those are the good berries. And then just diarrhea sounds and then a helicopter coming to take them out of the thing.

[Dave Cyrus]

Now I like alone too, but I like Naked and Afraid more because it's actually. It's more educational. It's more like actually showing you, like, if you were stuck here, here's what you would have to do alone. They get a sleeping bag. They get a. You know, they get. They get fishing lines. I'm like, you're just watching someone camp and be lonely.

[Zach Amico]

I don't.

[Dave Cyrus]

I don't care about the loneliness or the drama of two people. I just want to see what you have to do to not die in the woods.

[Zach Amico]

I like it.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's fun a lot, because I feel like it's going to happen at. Someday.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

I'm going to be a guy being like, all right, we have to figure out how to make a bow drill or we're all going to die tonight.

[Tristan Bowling]

And also, like, how deep are you into, like, naked and afraid before you, like, stop, you're like, all right, her pussy's out. You know, you stop looking at it, because that would be over it. The first day, I would say first four hours, I'd be like, okay, cool. And then after, like, day three and a half, I'm like, that thing is developing a film on it. We need to.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's got to have a bit of a tang to start with.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And then really develop, like, an ecosystem.

[Tristan Bowling]

An IPA in there.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

He's got real kombucha.

[Dave Cyrus]

See, I wish there were more guys on there who were, like, really disgusting, who would never stop trying to fuck the whole 21 years. The longer it goes, the more into it, they seem to be, like, the more miserable and starving the other person is, the more they're just like, why don't we just chill out the tent today?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Do a movie day. Just hang out, just two people naked.

[Zach Amico]

I think if I was in any situation like that, my literally, my only concern would be how do I kill my. Like, what is the suicide? What is the quickest suicide? I have no. I have no survival.

[Dave Cyrus]

And honestly, even there, that might be really hard.

[Zach Amico]

It's like you can beat yourself to death with a rock.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. No, no. I mean, if you can't get. If you don't have a knife, if you have something to slit your throat with, like, trying to slit your own throat with, like, a napped seashell. Sounds terrible.

[Zach Amico]

Yes, it does.

[Tristan Bowling]

Just sawing at your neck on a.

[Dave Cyrus]

Shoreline, taking all day trying to break rocks so that one is sharp enough to get through your skin.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. It would be. That would be my goal. That would be my only task.

[Dave Cyrus]

I've been trying to carve away at my throat for three hours.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Slowly whittling at your trachea. That's awful, dude.

[Dave Cyrus]

Just looking at the camera, like, see what you Gotta do is you gotta get the basalt rocks here to make sure you get a nice edge.

[Zach Amico]

And then for me, I mean, it would just be so much cutting to even get to neck.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

We found him alive and nearly decapitated.

[Zach Amico]

I am. Fuck. Oh, Shannon. What's the 90 Day Fiance like? Their love island?

[Shannon]

Hunt for love.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, that one fucking chick has rocking fucking cans.

[Shannon]

Oh, but she's the one who has a terrible personality. Jennifer?

[Tristan Bowling]

Most likely, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Is she like black and Spanish or something?

[Shannon]

She's Colombian, the one I'm thinking of.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, she made out with a chick on the last episode I watched.

[Shannon]

Wait, are you talking about the really, really big boobs? Hold on, let me show you this one.

[Zach Amico]

Everyone stood in a circle and watched her and another girl make it.

[Shannon]

Okay, so this is one of the girls.

[Dave Cyrus]

By the way, I like how you corrected when he said black and Spanish, you said Colombian. As if that's not what Zach means when he says black and Spanish.

[Shannon]

No, because there's another girl I think he might be talking about.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

Is this her?

[Zach Amico]

No.

[Dave Cyrus]

Okay.

[Shannon]

All right, hold on.

[Dave Cyrus]

I know I've never seen any of this stuff. I did see one episode of Naked and Afraid of Love.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Dave Cyrus]

Which was insulting.

[Tristan Bowling]

Naked and afraid of death.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, there's no danger of death. So I was like, I'm not into this at all. These people. I don't want to watch a dating show. I thought this would be, like, people who are filthy and naked and starving, and they're also being told to have sex.

[Zach Amico]

My biggest disappointment was Shannon. What's the fucking British one where they show people naked from the bottom up?

[Shannon]

It's a dating naked.

[Zach Amico]

That's probably a great naked truth.

[Shannon]

Yes. Yes.

[Tristan Bowling]

I have no idea.

[Zach Amico]

So it's a British dating show. It'll be a contestant, and then I think maybe five competitors.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And they're all in pods. And it starts at the bottom and it reveals them up to like, the waist, completely naked.

[Tristan Bowling]

So just dick and pussy.

[Zach Amico]

And then they do a full 360.

[Tristan Bowling]

So you see the.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's good.

[Zach Amico]

And then you eliminate someone.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's awesome.

[Zach Amico]

No talk, no. No questions. No interaction. Then it goes up to, like, their armpits, and you eliminate another person. Then it shows their face, then you eliminate another person, and that's when you start to talk to them.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's so true.

[Dave Cyrus]

Is the first stage just eliminating the smallest dick? Is it always?

[Zach Amico]

Almost every time.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because that. It's impossible to tell.

[Tristan Bowling]

Do you know who I also found, speaking of small dicks? Terrence Howard. Little Pecker.

[Zach Amico]

I believe it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. He did, like, a shower scene where he was naked. And boy, oh, boy. Is that thing just a little. Well, tomato.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, something drove him insane.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

But I also think that, like, that's really, like. That's not true. I don't think you can really tell what someone's dick size is from that kind of scenario, because some people grow and some don't. I do think it's, like, completely inaccurate.

[Zach Amico]

Well, and it's also. I mean, they just eliminate the fact I do. Whoever's fat just goes, immediately.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's good.

[Zach Amico]

But then sometimes they fuck up hard because those. Because they come out completely naked after you eliminate them. And sometimes he'll be like, yeah, she's a little thick for my taste. And then she'll come out and be a dime. Oh, yeah. And then he sees the rest of the girls and just watch them go fuck.

[Dave Cyrus]

Right. Because you're below the waist, so you're like. You don't know that, like, the next stage, she's got, like, a really slim waist.

[Tristan Bowling]

You're just seeing the cone.

[Dave Cyrus]

You're just guessing by how thick her bottom half is.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, you're wrong.

[Dave Cyrus]

You just fucked up so bad.

[Zach Amico]

And the best part is they try really hard to be, like, basically progressive. So every once in a while, it's a wheelchair or, like, prosthetic legs or, like, there's something else fucked up with them. And you can tell the producers are like, don't eliminate that person. First we have to pretend like you're good. And they make it to, like, the last one. And they'll be like, I'm gonna choose the person who could walk.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, I could see in the end.

[Tristan Bowling]

That sucks. Like, they're revealing, like, halfway up the body, but it hasn't adjusted for him. So it's just a full guy naked in a wheelchair while everyone's dick around. And so cool.

[Zach Amico]

And then they go on a date. If you win, you go on a date. And then they come back, like, two weeks later, and it's almost consistently, we hate each other.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, really?

[Zach Amico]

They go and fuck and immediately hate each other.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, there are all people who chose to be on this show.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

So they're probably mostly insufferable people.

[Zach Amico]

They're awful people. And they're British.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, they do.

[Zach Amico]

They're British and Irish, so a big thing. They go off of his accent. They all judge each other based on the accent.

[Dave Cyrus]

That is silly.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's great. It's good tv. But after, like, three or four, you really. Your Brain starts to melt out of your ears.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Do you have the. The girl I was talking about with the fucking yabos?

[Shannon]

It's Chantel.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Those are very big.

[Tristan Bowling]

That is big breasts.

[Zach Amico]

That's my girl.

[Shannon]

And she. Yes. They had a whole spot spin off show of her and the one that she married, who she's not married to anymore.

[Tristan Bowling]

She does look like a problem. I will say that.

[Zach Amico]

And now she's into chicks, right?

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah, dude. That's my. That's my. That's. That was the highlight of. I was like, man, my wife's finally watching something I can tolerate. Is this fat titted animal a hum of love?

[Tristan Bowling]

Is that what it is?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, man. Good for her. All right, so I've been excited to. To. I mentioned what happened in the lobby. I want to. I want to get your guys real time reaction to my weekend. Shannon, you don't know anything about my weekend. Right?

[Shannon]

Do not.

[Zach Amico]

So I was out on the road doing Nashville. I was supposed to do Tennessee, then Ohio, then Kentucky again, then Lexington, Tennessee. Didn't work out. Club forgot they had me booked.

[Dave Cyrus]

Wow.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn.

[Zach Amico]

Didn't promote it. Didn't have anything for it. So I wind up doing a pop in show in Lexington. Really great time. Bar called Shamrocks. Shout out. Thank you for having me. Really fun. I have a feature drive me around all weekend. My buddy J. Wall, who I will note now is missing an arm.

[Tristan Bowling]

Before the weekend he was missing the arm or after the week it was.

[Zach Amico]

Before he was born that way.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, God, I was so hoping this involved. I was like, that's a story.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, he's missing an arm. His official story that his mother gave him is that her umbilical cord had accidentally wrapped around it and it never developed.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, so she like sold his arm for drugs or.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, or she was definitely doing drugs while he was in the womb.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'll show you baby arm for an eight ball baby.

[Zach Amico]

Come on.

[Dave Cyrus]

So.

[Zach Amico]

And the last year, the first time I got booked on one of these runs, I was unaware of the arm thing. Fine with it. But Also I'm on 6 hour drives with this guy and he is smoking, drinking a Mountain Dew and on the phone driving with the nub.

[Dave Cyrus]

Okay. So there is like a protuberance.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. It's up to like here.

[Dave Cyrus]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

He's got like a flapper because he's.

[Tristan Bowling]

Got to lean in for that because.

[Dave Cyrus]

My dad would drive with his knees for hours at a time.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. Really sweet guy and actually very funny comic. So we're doing the run we do like, then we go out to outside of Dayton, Ohio, and he drops me off at the illustrious Red Roof Inn, where I had moms smoking on either side of our room while the kids ran around and screamed. And the kid, that was our guest spot, very sweet kid named Luke was going to stay. Jwall's going to go back to his house because he was pretty close and Luke was going to drive me to the next spot. I go to bed around 2:58. At 3:01, I am awoken by a phone call. J. Wall. I was like, hey, what's up? He goes, you sleeping? I was like, yep. He goes, I'm in jail. And I was like, what? What happened? And he goes, I fell asleep. And I was like, cool. And then he tells me the county of the jail and goes, all right, I'll see you tomorrow. You guys got to come get me now. I have immediately forgotten the county he's in. I wake up the guest spot, he's going to drive me and go, J. Wall's in jail. He goes, where I went, I don't remember.

[Tristan Bowling]

Pretty convenient.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it could be anywhere between Ohio and Kentucky. So it was about a two hour drive that he was on.

[Dave Cyrus]

Just start naming Kentucky towns and see is he in Mudlik.

[Zach Amico]

The next morning I am woken up at 8 by a collect call from jail. Oh good, okay. And it says, press one if you accept the charges. Except press one. It goes, your cell phone account is not. Does not enable collect calls and hangs up on them, Luke. Same thing.

[Tristan Bowling]

What, what fucking seller cell service do you have?

[Zach Amico]

Cricket? Verizon.

[Tristan Bowling]

Fucking.

[Dave Cyrus]

So now we pay extra to allow collect calls.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that is true. Like, that is a very specific question you ask in the Verizon store. And you're like, can I talk to my dad?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So now we are trying to whittle down what county jail he's in. And we also, by the way, do not know what happened. All I got is I fell asleep. The promoter of the show calls the other kid and not. He goes, hey, you know J. Wall's in jail. And we go, yeah. He goes, can somebody drive Zach to the show tonight? Still not giving a fuck about the fucking. He goes, is somebody does that ever ride? And the kid goes, yeah, I'll drive him. He goes, great, he's in. And he tells us the county. We all thank God. I find the number for the jail. I call and I'm like, hey, I keep getting a call, I'm trying to find my friend. I give his real name and couldn't have been nicer. They go, yeah, he's at an 11. We go find him. So now I get to knock off my road list. Picking up a one armed white guy with cornrows from jail in the middle of a tour.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's fun.

[Zach Amico]

Hey guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our good friends at small batch cigar. Simple, fast, small batch guys having a cigar in the house, Same as having a nice bottle of wine, some fancy cheese. It lets people know you are a person of class and elegance. Well, small batch cigar has you covered. If you're an idiot like me who doesn't know much about cigars. They have free shipping on every order and almost every order arrives within two to three days. In the continental United States, they have the most thorough packaging in the industry. It comes with the Boveda pack. So it comes with every purchase. So everything you get super, super fresh. They have an amazing selection of rare, limited and hard to find cigars. And you earn 5% reward points instantly. So you're going to want to go to smallbatch cigar.com and most people click the new button first to shop the newest arrivals. And we have a discount code for you, and that's gas 10. Gas 10 gets you 10% off plus those 5% rewards points. One more time guys. That's discount code. Gas 10 for 10% off@smallback cigar.com. let's get back into the program now. Here's the second fun part. He remembers his truck is at a gas station parking lot off the highway. Mm. Connected to a McDonald's. Okay. And that's what we got.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So what had happened? I guess he was driving home, was a little tie tie. Pulled over, took a little nap in a gas station parking lot. Didn't realize two hours had passed and the gas station attendants had called the police thinking he overdosed. They wake him up and give him a sobriety test, which he passes. And I go, hey, buddy, what was that sobriety test? Was it touching your nose?

[Dave Cyrus]

He passed it by default.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he. He just had a flap towards his nose.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Then I guess they went in the back of the car and maybe found an open container.

[Dave Cyrus]

Even though the car wasn't moving, that's still arrestable.

[Zach Amico]

So he wound up getting charged. I don't think the keys are in the ignition. He got alcohol inebriation. He got a drunken public base. Sounds like Christ.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, that's so much better than a DUI though.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, well, yeah, he's a feature.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. For real.

[Zach Amico]

So we find him. Dude, two hours up and down the highway asking different other gas. I'm calling gas stations describing his truck. Wow. We found his truck in Indiana. What?

[Dave Cyrus]

So why do you end up in a different state jail?

[Zach Amico]

Fucking beats me. But we found it.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

Not only did he had the name of the wrong gas station, he told us we were looking for a pilot. It was a loves.

[Tristan Bowling]

That is very different. It's a Bloods and Crips of truck stop gas stations.

[Zach Amico]

And thank God young Luke, our navigator was a fat little shit because he went pilots don't have McDonald's. Pilots have Wendy's. Loves have McDonald's. What a Rhodes scholar, dude. God bless this fat kid.

[Tristan Bowling]

God damn. Dude, that is. He is like it couldn't be a Cinnabon.

[Dave Cyrus]

That is the most. His obesity probably paid off his whole life.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, it was brilliant. And God damn it if we did not just start looking at love. And we f. And we literally found the exact exit he said the highway was. And God damn his truck was still sitting there.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, that is such fat murder detective shit. Or just ripping a buddy. Wendy's.

[Zach Amico]

Wendy's.

[Tristan Bowling]

They only have McDonald's.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean that's exactly the kind of situation an opener wants for a headliner to have that much value.

[Zach Amico]

And the ironic part was the night before I thought to myself, this is the most white trash my trip could possibly be. Because it was me and a one armed white guy with cornrows getting Waffle House at 4 in the morning.

[Dave Cyrus]

You know the most impressive thing about his cornrows? That he definitely had someone else do them for him.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's had to be done.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I also got to listen in on his very not happy black wife who apparently when she said you have a collect call from Kelly and she just hung up.

[Tristan Bowling]

She thought it was her ex.

[Zach Amico]

No, she knew who it was.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know, I just.

[Zach Amico]

That's funny. I'm sorry, I didn't pick up on that. Yeah, I'm a little tired. You tie, tie.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's okay.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, she hung up when the Kelly jail called.

[Dave Cyrus]

The idea that, you know, it's funny being a white guy with cornrows having a black wife. That's really one of the only two scenarios of a white guy having cornrows is either like the closest person to him is black or he's never, never.

[Zach Amico]

Met a black person. Yeah, yeah, no, he's got some southern flavor to him.

[Dave Cyrus]

I actually know a white guy who had cornrows and then lost them from the cancer.

[Zach Amico]

Oh good.

[Dave Cyrus]

That God must have given him because he had cornrows.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I would say so.

[Tristan Bowling]

We're giving you hair cancer.

[Dave Cyrus]

And he's good now and he has regular hair.

[Zach Amico]

He got sickle cell, actually. Turns out it's the cornrows.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, it's in the rose.

[Zach Amico]

No, it's he who walks behind the rose.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, it's the children of the cornrows.

[Zach Amico]

So that's been my weekend. And by the way, you don't sleep good in the hotel when the only ride you have for the rest of the tour has been arrested for dui. You think?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But hey, got through it. Got to all the good and God was jwall. Made all the gigs.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hell yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So look it up.

[Dave Cyrus]

Look.

[Zach Amico]

Go, team, go.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, for real. Full steam ahead.

[Dave Cyrus]

What a happy ending.

[Zach Amico]

So shout out if you guys are in the south, check out Jaywal in the Louisville Lexington area. He's going to be on tour with a couple of comics, you know, coming up and give him some shit for me because, man, I'm a nice. This is after two nights before. The host had forgotten his cell phone in the truck, and we had to drive around for two hours to find him.

[Tristan Bowling]

What?

[Zach Amico]

So we were all in the truck. His phone fell out of his pocket. We didn't know it. We're driving all the way back. We hear a phone ring. I pick it up. We realize it's the MC's phone. Different McDamit. And he's calling over and over again. Now, none of us know him that well. I don't know.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So we're trying to add him on Facebook. All he has is his computer on Find my phone.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, my God, dude, who are these?

[Zach Amico]

For like an hour and a half, he's calling his phone and I can't pick up because it's got a password.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's the problem with the phone is that, like, we're. We need it too much now.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like, it's just like how, like, on the subway you need a phone now to get on the subway.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

Which I honestly, I was just like, doesn't this kind of fuck, like, the really poor people.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

100% that we're used to being able to just buy a single ticket. Like.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. But now I don't think they even enforce the fucking door thing.

[Tristan Bowling]

You can use your debit card. That's what I.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's what I'm saying. I know you can, but I was like when they said you have to use either like, your phone or I guess, like, get like, the dedicated card. It's like, I just like, this kind of fucking. The homeless people that kind of rely on this system.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I've definitely had jobs where no one had a bank account.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. And it's like. But it's also the thing about, like. It's like, you lose your phone, you lose fucking everything.

[Zach Amico]

Now, this kid was freaking out, and then I was finally like, let's go back to the last bar we were at and hope he thinks the circle back.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And we waited a half an hour, and he pulled up and he was like, you are the. He goes, I can't. I was like, dude, I was about to throw your phone out the fucking window.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn, dude.

[Zach Amico]

Nice guy. Ian. Ian something. Very funny, kid. We went and did karaoke. Is my new favorite thing to do when I'm in the south is show up really late to karaoke night at a dive bar and do sweet transvestite and really split the room.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Is that a famous song?

[Zach Amico]

I'm not familiar from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah, I know. Exactly.

[Zach Amico]

And yeah, that's what I show up to. Like, real shit kicker, Redneck karaoke night.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, I get what you're saying. Because I feel like even in that scenario, a lot of people are still going to be Rocky Horror fans. The older people would know the song.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah. It kills.

[Dave Cyrus]

It's not like the song was like that pro trans when it came out. No, it wasn't.

[Zach Amico]

Neither is Richard o' Brien now. Yeah, yeah, He's. He's straight up. Is like, I don't believe in that shit. But, yeah, it goes. It goes pretty fun. It's. It's a. It's a. It's a fun way to cap off people's evenings.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Just have you rubbing yourself on stage.

[Zach Amico]

That's exactly what I do.

[Tristan Bowling]

Getting sensual with it.

[Zach Amico]

Wow, wow, wow. All right, let's get plugs out of the way. Hit that plug, music Whore. Hey, Mr. Bowling. What do you want people to check out?

[Tristan Bowling]

Doggy, you can check out my Instagram, tristanisacmedian, and also the Minor Names podcast with me in the one and only Daniel Bridgecat. A lot of fun. Come see us talk about stuff. And if you like us a lot, join the Patreon.

[Zach Amico]

Fantastic. Mr. Cyrus.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, God. I guess I'm doing the. I'm gonna judge the Grove on Wednesday, the roast battle there. And, you know, you can check out anything online. Dave Cyrus, Sir U. S. Brickstone, and anything Triumph the dog does I have a hand in. So go check that stuff out.

[Zach Amico]

Fantastic. Follow me. On Instagram @zackisnotfunny. Go to my Punchup Live, Zachamico. You can see all my dates. And I think I have the new dates up. That's right. September 25th, Ocean Springs, Missouri. The 26th, Mobile, Alabama. 27th, Hattiesburg, and 28th, Pensacola, Florida. And I guess I can officially announce it. Those are co headlining gigs with me and Zach Holmes from Jackass. Oh, no way. We got sick of people mistaking each other and asking if we were the other one. So we have decided to join fat forces. And it's gonna be comedy and stunts. We're gonna do some Jackass shit. We're each gonna do stand up. And I think we're gonna do a show together at the end. That's awesome. We're still putting it together now, but I think we're gonna call it Zach and Zack Too Fat 2 Furious. Very excited about happened because I literally got mistaken for him for the millionth time, messaged him and I was like, do you want to tour together? And we hit it off. So boom.

[Dave Cyrus]

That is great. The two of you appearing on reinforced stages around the country.

[Zach Amico]

You're gonna give it a lot of work.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Also, if you love the show, go to gasdigital.com, use promo code ZOO Z O O. You get your episodes early ad, free, uncensored, the archives, the live chat, and most importantly, the Friday episode. That's right. We do three episodes of this a week. But the Friday episode is just for subscribers. So if you love the show, you're missing out on a third of it if you don't subscribe. But regardless, thank you for listening to the show. So, yeah, we have had this issue. I believe he got booked on something when they thought he was me. And then he was telling me recently he was late for a gig. He's at the airport, and the security line was super long. Somebody in TSA recognizes him and like, are you. He goes, yeah. And he goes, hey, listen, I'm. I'm really late. Can you help me? They walk him past the line, right through security, help him to his gate, and he goes, thank you guys so much. You know, just let me know if I'm ever in town. I'd love to hook you up with tickets. And they go, nah, it's just really cool to meet you, Stavros.

[Dave Cyrus]

That one makes all the sense too. Because of the teeth.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. The teeth thing is big.

[Dave Cyrus]

It's not. They look that much alike. It's more like in your head. You're like, how many obese toothless comics are there.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Well. All right. We got some fun stories today. All right, let's. Let's start in a positive, fun way. Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany Hensel. Yes, my bitches. I saw stop for McDonald's with a newborn that people think is theirs. So the one got married.

[Dave Cyrus]

We know that. The one who's. How do I put this? The one who looks like she owns the body.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that is true. The one calling the shot.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. The one who clearly is. The one who's.

[Zach Amico]

The one who's headed it. The one whose body it is.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Not the head. Yeah, yeah. The motorcycle. Not the sidecar.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

She.

[Dave Cyrus]

I. I feel like the odds of her having given birth must be pretty low. Right, like.

[Zach Amico]

Well, so here's a fun thing, Shannon. If you see the tweet I sent you right under it, the first tweet.

[Tristan Bowling]

That second photo is just appalling.

[Zach Amico]

Do you think they've ever been comedy and tragedy for Halloween?

[Dave Cyrus]

I think Halloween is a unique set of opportunities. Every year be Kit Kat bar. Although if I was them for Halloween, I would make one of them wear, like, just a very basic mask to look like that's their costume and then they take it off.

[Tristan Bowling]

Just wear like a mascot helmet.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, we're like, oh, no, just like a helmet that's just a mask that's supposed to just look like a less realistic version of what her face already looks like.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Michael Scott, you know, second head thing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. Just a paper mache her.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. I mean, that's. I mean, maybe she could give birth. I don't. I don't know the science of it.

[Zach Amico]

So, Shannon, if you look right underneath that tweet, there's actually a diagram of how their bodies work from some documentary. Is that correct? It should be the first pin tweet right underneath it.

[Shannon]

I. I mean, I'll show it to you. I don't see that here, but I can find it. I could try to look for it.

[Zach Amico]

Just. Yeah, it was. It was the first tweet under it when I click when I had it, when I sent it to you. But it basically shows that they have almost from, like, the. The chest down. It's one person. Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, it just feels like. I don't. I guess my assumption would just be that it's a risk.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, of course.

[Dave Cyrus]

Even, you know, whereas, like, you know, you can just adopt a kid. I sort of assumed, because there was no information about her ever being pregnant, that they adopted a kid and it's like, it's honestly, like, isn't anyone else just, like, shocked at how well things have gone for them? Like, is. You're so used to these being, like, really sad.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like, we're, like, with health problems and stuff.

[Zach Amico]

Like. No, they're usually Indian.

[Dave Cyrus]

Fucking have.

[Tristan Bowling]

That is true.

[Dave Cyrus]

Fucking.

[Zach Amico]

And a lot of them.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, they got, like, fudgeing octopus legs and shit like that.

[Zach Amico]

There we go.

[Dave Cyrus]

The fact that, like, they're, like, having a. That they have a kid and a family and, like, they're just living their lives, it's, like, kind of amazing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So we got two hearts, two lungs, three gallbladders, three stomachs. Like a. Four lungs. Yeah, three. But then once we get to the intestines, one large intestine, one small intestine, one pelvis, and one set of reproductive organs. One bladder.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn, she's for two.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's crazy.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, it must. I feel like there must be some kind of argument over who gets to do the eating, because, like, you're both eating for one body.

[Zach Amico]

The lady in the trampet every meal. Spaghetti. Spaghetti's gotta be weird.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. They just eat a hot dog in the middle.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like, if you're eating junk food. Like, if one one of you is getting to enjoy it, but you're both gonna suffer, it's like, oh, we should. I feel like there'd be a lot of arguments. What if one wants to be in shape?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Well, there was one, isn't there? There was two conjoined twin men, and one was gay and one wasn't.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's brutal.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's brutal.

[Dave Cyrus]

That also really opens up the question of, like, this is how you study, how you become gay.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because what could possibly have separated the two of them?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

The gay one doesn't feel. The asshole has to be like, bro, this is great.

[Zach Amico]

I don't feel the thing.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Like another day in paradise.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Those guys.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn. Just cuddle buddies forever. That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

The bully insane part is if the other one's gay, you got to watch.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, the really fucked up thing is how in all of these cases, these are people who made the decision where they were. Like, look, we can make you much more normal and functional. And the other one dies.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

And it's like, how do you. It's. It's a very hard thing to be like, okay, you're gonna die.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, I mean, it's. It's better that they.

[Zach Amico]

Like, if I was the straight one, I might go, you know what?

[Tristan Bowling]

This guy's gonna Give me a For the good.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, but, like, I believe they told that to the. The girls. Yeah, Well, I mean, like, they were like, if, you know, we can remove. And they were like, I remember. I saw the news. They were like, the other one's probably gonna die. Like, oh, really? She's probably gonna die when she's just ahead. Yeah, like, I think we got that. Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, we're gonna Futurama her, but it's.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like, could you really walk around the rest of your life being like, I'm a little more comfortable and I killed my twin sister? Like, that's.

[Zach Amico]

And you also just have a stump.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, I don't know what. It probably wouldn't look 100% normal.

[Tristan Bowling]

They'd probably sand it down. I don't think it would just be, like, a neck.

[Zach Amico]

Can you bring her up again? So if one's married. One's not. But there's no way. Well, what does she read while they fuck?

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, it would be so mean if they didn't let her participate in the lovemaking. Like this guy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, but what if she doesn't? Well, yeah. Well, this guy's really having a blast.

[Dave Cyrus]

No, I mean, this guy, you have to assume there's a little.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, for his birthday, one sucking his dick and one's licking his balls. Right.

[Dave Cyrus]

I'm just saying. God.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hope so.

[Dave Cyrus]

This woman doesn't have any other option for intimacy. I hope that she does get, like. It'd be so sad, like, her whole life. She's technically a virgin.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because she's feeling the sex. So it's only polite that they are nice to her about it.

[Tristan Bowling]

It does look. This kind of does just look like an AI photo with three people in it, but they fucked it up. But no, this is actually just one.

[Dave Cyrus]

He looks so proud of himself.

[Zach Amico]

He does. He. That is a confident man.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. He's like, ask me all the questions in the world. I've heard every single one.

[Zach Amico]

My question is, do they have different preferences? Like, you got to remember which one likes her hair pulled.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that's tough.

[Dave Cyrus]

That is. Yeah, that is. If one of them likes something the other doesn't in bed, that would be super difficult to navigate.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm sorry. I'm just a size queen.

[Dave Cyrus]

Shut up.

[Tristan Bowling]

Left head.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because Lamont, technically, for being honest, if it's. If only one likes something, it's still rape. Yeah, I mean, it would be. It would be like if he has to get consent from both of them for anything they do, but he's only.

[Zach Amico]

Married to one of them.

[Dave Cyrus]

Right? So, like, I would love to hear a priest's angle on this, like, explaining, like, why this is okay or not.

[Tristan Bowling]

He just, like, chalk it up. Like, listen, man, I'm just trying to fuck kids.

[Zach Amico]

Kids. Yeah. This is above my pay grade. Talk to the Pope.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And they're a teacher. Well, they're. Oh, sorry. They're teachers with one salary, right, Shannon?

[Shannon]

Yes, that's correct.

[Zach Amico]

Didn't they try to be country singers? Or is that a different.

[Shannon]

It's a different couple.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, those are the ones that got you by the head.

[Dave Cyrus]

They and they. That one there. Are they no longer with us?

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, can you look up those ones? Those ones are connected by.

[Dave Cyrus]

I saw them on, like, Sally Jesse Raphael when I was a kid or something. One of them was a country singer and the other one hates country, which is so fucking funny.

[Zach Amico]

Is it one tiny.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yes. Yes, because they were connected at the head. So one had, like a full size body.

[Zach Amico]

What? They. These two and one person, they straight up look like South Park. Like, they could not look more like Trey Parker and Matt Stone made them.

[Dave Cyrus]

The nurse. There was. There was a nurse, right? Who had a vestigial twin.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's fucking crazy.

[Dave Cyrus]

No, but knowing that the other one hated country made it so fucking funny because that's how you know that that's the one that had no brain damage.

[Zach Amico]

Yep.

[Shannon]

They actually died last year, so they.

[Dave Cyrus]

Had pretty long lives.

[Tristan Bowling]

How? Suicide by cop.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, I don't know it. Uncomfortably. Oh.

[Zach Amico]

So she had to carry her private life as adults.

[Dave Cyrus]

Lori worked at a hospital while George, who was transgender.

[Tristan Bowling]

Is it Auto and George music with the stage name Reba.

[Zach Amico]

The Chappelles, thought to be among the.

[Dave Cyrus]

World'S oldest conjoined twins, were 62 years old. Jesus. They really lived a lot.

[Zach Amico]

Hold on. There's a lot to unpack.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, they transitioned.

[Zach Amico]

They transit one. Dude, if this is not proof. We just saw that. We just talked about the one being gay and the other one. That one transition and one didn't. I mean, there is some deep down brain studies to happen here, but.

[Dave Cyrus]

And also for people who. Because, you know, country fans aren't usually that open to the community. So this was like the one trans person they were okay calling a they.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they. Them. Yep. The perfect they. Them.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

I don't even. You'd just be like, he. She. It's a monster.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, right? They really. They look like they ran at each other like. Like goats and just got stuck.

[Tristan Bowling]

Their horns are connected.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they just. They look like they Ran as hard as they. Dude. Okay, you can't have one on the chair. You just. It looks like eventually it looks like Otto and George.

[Tristan Bowling]

It does look like a ventriloquist.

[Zach Amico]

And I hate the one in the chair is George.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, the. I mean, did he not know about Otto and George?

[Zach Amico]

I don't know, man.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, it makes you. Doesn't it make you more just sad that Otto died before that happened?

[Zach Amico]

Yes, 100%. Also, like, bring it back up that. Yeah. Not. Because that's not only just the thing. Like, they're also, like, crazy shaped.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, it's. It just. It really. In all honesty, like, it just makes me like, every second with so much work that they lived till 62. Like, every day must have been, like, so much labor.

[Zach Amico]

I have so many points in my day where I'm like, ah, maybe I'll just die.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

If I had to look at somebody all day and they were like, hold on, I got an idea for a slide guitar solo.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. Like, I'm. It's already what I picture when people are like, have you thought about transitioning back to the influencer model of doing comedy of just a single? I'm like, no, No. I would much rather die than go back to doing YouTube as my main. As my main way of doing comedy.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, is absolutely, like, that's gotta suck. You just. That's your view all day. If somebody's trying to talk to you and somebody's trying to talk to the both of you, you have to keep turning around, just spinning. Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

They should have hosted a game show where people have to complain about something in their lives with a straight face. To these people, it's like, well, I.

[Tristan Bowling]

Do have breast cancer for the second time now. It's like, oh, really? Well, let's spin all the grounds.

[Zach Amico]

You grew something on you you don't like. You have an inconvenience growing on you.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, you mean you have to get fake boobs now and. Wow, that's really uncomfortable.

[Zach Amico]

Well, talk to my sister brother. He's written a song about it.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's the one with the I'm with stupid shirt on. That's fitting both of us at the same time.

[Shannon]

I found a little clip from when they were on Jerry Springer.

[Zach Amico]

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[Tristan Bowling]

Break it up.

[Zach Amico]

Break it up.

[Dave Cyrus]

I was gonna say they started fighting, right?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. When you're walking around, is it difficult not to trip and fall? You're wheeling the cart around. I imagine it would be difficult. No, it's fine. You know where it is. It's just fine. You know, I can do it.

[Dave Cyrus]

No, it's not.

[Zach Amico]

You're not.

[Dave Cyrus]

You. It's. It's okay. If you want to say it's sorry.

[Tristan Bowling]

I can drink.

[Zach Amico]

I don't like the ones of slut. I don't like that the little ones dress slutty.

[Dave Cyrus]

Boy, boomers do not like to complain.

[Zach Amico]

Nope.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because I, I.

[Zach Amico]

It dawned on me, nowadays, if babies are born conjoined, in most cases, the technology is there that they can separate at birth.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. Not if they share a brain.

[Zach Amico]

Back when you were born 40 years ago, that didn't exist. I guess the question would be, would it be possible?

[Tristan Bowling]

We could kill you right here.

[Zach Amico]

Now.

[Dave Cyrus]

Dr. Oz is here with a chainsaw.

[Zach Amico]

Or we could just end this now. We could probably do it with one bullet. To be honest. If somebody's a really good shot or.

[Tristan Bowling]

Really close, we're gonna tie a noose in the middle and see what happens.

[Zach Amico]

We're gonna lift you up, Shannon. There's. We would not.

[Dave Cyrus]

Want it. We would not give permission for it.

[Zach Amico]

Very interesting.

[Dave Cyrus]

So.

[Zach Amico]

So even if the doctors came now and said, we now have. They have to have a hundred percent guarantee that we would come out of surgery the same way we are right now. Monstrously inconvenient People do things. And nobody in life is guaranteed a hundred percent of anything. So it's too risky.

[Tristan Bowling]

They just. They separate her and put her on the other side.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, also, she's the one saying that, because they probably told her, you'll live.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Your sister won't and it's like, so she has to right there be like. I'm not gonna even entertain the idea that I'm considering killing my twin sister so I can stand up straight.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. If I were her, I would go, hey, hey, sis. Earmuffs. Do it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Can you plug one ear? Because the other one's attached to my skull.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Can we just. Come on.

[Zach Amico]

Jesus Christ, doc. Anything. All I want. All I want is to sleep on my back.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. My neck's been killing me for 40 years.

[Zach Amico]

Holy.

[Dave Cyrus]

I was just at the Philadelphia Museum of Medical Oddities.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, the mooter.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yes, I was.

[Zach Amico]

Great, great time just there.

[Dave Cyrus]

Really fascinating. They have the. The very famous ones where the term Siamese came from twins from Siam. And it was the crazy thing where, like, the only thing they shared was a liver. And they could have just cut it and they would have. It probably would have healed and just have half a liver.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

And they would have been fine. It's like they live to like, 70 years old. Connected.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn.

[Dave Cyrus]

The whole time. Could have just cut it in half.

[Zach Amico]

They could have used a paper cutter.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. They would have been literally fine.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That museum, my favorite part of the mooter is the skulls.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

There's a whole wall of skies. I mean, it is, man. It's a huge. But it's a collection from some phrenologist. Yes. But it's there. There's a sign that says the terms used to describe the people are outdated.

[Dave Cyrus]

Some just say idiot.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Idiot, Jew, cretin. So it has what they were and how they died.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And it's just. And it's a lot. It's like a hallway of skulls. Fuck.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's so interesting.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. But, yeah, idiots used a lot. It's like pre. Pre. All the terms. Yeah. We go, baby, screw some.

[Dave Cyrus]

Just Some. Yeah, Some just said Muslim.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

And like, you're actually looking at it. You're just like. You're kind of trying to picture, like, who was the handsome one.

[Zach Amico]

Yep.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because sometimes you can get little hints of acromegaly from, like, the chin being too big because they also have an acromegaly skeleton, like an eight foot tall.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. They have a giant skeleton. Vers. Next to a little skeleton.

[Dave Cyrus]

They have a. They have a tumor that was taken out of someone's like, large intestine. That's like about the size of me.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Holy shit.

[Zach Amico]

What? Yeah, you gotta. It's such a fun death. It's. It's not huge. It's smaller than you think it's gonna be, but it is. But they all, like. If you really want to fucking fart around, they have, like, just drawers and drawers of shit that you can go through.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn.

[Zach Amico]

Like, it's. It's pretty much like if you were loose there all day, you could find shit to look at. It's a fun fucking day.

[Dave Cyrus]

And then they have a lot of galas in the garden. Yeah, a lot of charity events.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. They have a beautiful garden.

[Dave Cyrus]

The wall of deteriorated skulls.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Fucking idiot.

[Zach Amico]

And it's walking distance from the. The big food market.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, shit.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, so you can get a pretzel with a sausage in it and then go look at skulls. It's great. Probably one of my best days.

[Tristan Bowling]

Sounds like a very fun day, you know?

[Zach Amico]

Actually freaked me out. The iron lung.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, they have the iron lung there, which you can still get your hands on if you want. There's that. They're out there. You can. There's a collector's for how many horsepower.

[Zach Amico]

On an iron lung?

[Dave Cyrus]

Good question.

[Zach Amico]

It's a big honking thing, dude.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, it literally breathes for you. It's for. It like, opens and closes your lungs. So, like, there were people who would use them their whole lives, but then be able to have, like, an hour outside of, like, laborious breathing to, like, do something they had to do important. And then, you know. But. And, of course, you know, the funny thing about it is it's in a museum when, in all honesty, there's probably gonna be a lot more iron lungs coming out soon because. Because of.

[Zach Amico]

Thanks, rfk.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, thanks, rfk. We're definitely gonna have more polio.

[Zach Amico]

Yep. I'm pretty sure the guy. The last guy who was in an iron lung for life just passed, but he wrote a book in there.

[Shannon]

Was that the lawyer last year?

[Zach Amico]

Last year he was. He didn't look.

[Tristan Bowling]

Well, no, he looked like a goddamn cherry tomato by the end of it, dude. He was just like. His head. He looked like a pimple.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

You see, you think he looks bad, but that man's 104.

[Zach Amico]

Trouble.

[Dave Cyrus]

See, that's. This is another one of those examples where it's like, how many of us would choose to just live this whole time?

[Zach Amico]

There's no way, dude. There's no way I would. I mean, this. The. The. Celebrate the joy this guy must have for living.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, reminds me that movie Monkey Shines, where you're like. It's about a quadriplegic who tries to kill himself, and they give him a Monkey. And you're just like, how did he do it? How did he. How does a quadriplegic even try to do that?

[Zach Amico]

Maybe go down the stairs?

[Dave Cyrus]

The ingenuity necessary to figure out how to even attempt suicide is like the saddest thing.

[Zach Amico]

See, that's what so. All right, I say two, two, two pro. Two birds, one stone. We don't need helper monkeys. We need suicide monkeys.

[Tristan Bowling]

You said monkey with a suicide vest on.

[Zach Amico]

No, just a monkey that helps people commit suicide.

[Dave Cyrus]

They're called every chimpanzee.

[Zach Amico]

Yep. That is true.

[Dave Cyrus]

They're called having a chimpanzee in your home.

[Zach Amico]

It's called having a chimp get old. Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Allowing it to go past puberty and keeping it in your home.

[Tristan Bowling]

Feeding it Benadryl and red wine.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Jerk. Blowing it for fucking 20 years.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Because you couldn't find a husband that didn't hit you, so you're just hanging with a monkey now and it tears off your friend's face.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, I would be afraid to have like a raccoon in my house. Can you.

[Dave Cyrus]

Raccoons are terrifying.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah. Who fucking don't we know a comic that somebody had a monkey. They had an aunt who had a monkey and he used to just throw shit at people all the time.

[Dave Cyrus]

If it was a monkey. That makes a lot of sense. Because like a monkey, it's a lot of different sized monkeys, but there's a lot of small ones that won't kill you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Not pleasant to have in the house.

[Zach Amico]

No, definitely not.

[Dave Cyrus]

But they're not like a. Any non bonobo chimp is eventually going to eat your face.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. Dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

I just word associate. I'm like, you can't have a monkey in your house. And I'm like, house monkey. I'm like, nope, nope. That's bad.

[Zach Amico]

Nope, don't do it.

[Tristan Bowling]

That is bad. And we're moving on. No, I can't imagine. I just like, my cat is an Sometimes. But I'm like, if it was like on top of the fridge.

[Zach Amico]

Now imagine it had thumbs.

[Tristan Bowling]

I know. I can't.

[Zach Amico]

Now imagine had thumbs and balance.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. And it like, kind of knows what's up.

[Dave Cyrus]

The ability to learn how to pull a trigger.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, dude. Yeah. You could get shot by a monkey for sure.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, if it hadn't. Yeah, they're very.

[Zach Amico]

Someone said it's a leading cause of death in some neighborhoods.

[Tristan Bowling]

Now, now, now, Zach.

[Zach Amico]

Now, Zachary, if you look at the statistics of mass shootings.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, did you see the. The trans shooter had. She wrote on, like, all of her magazines and shit like that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

And one of them just said fart and then the soft A right underneath it. I'm like, that is very fun.

[Dave Cyrus]

Now for. I don't know everything about this story, but I understand that it was someone who was trans and then re. Transitioned back to male and became super like Nazi. Ish. Like, so the idea that like they. They had like a trans phase. Not that I want to use that term. And then had a. The Most.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like 180 possible where they were just like super like anti gay, anti black, anti everything. Anti everything. Right.

[Zach Amico]

I know very little about that.

[Dave Cyrus]

Was. I was My understand that it was like. It just sounded like someone who went. Who transitioned to being trans and then.

[Zach Amico]

Didn'T get the attention they wanted.

[Dave Cyrus]

Went way too far the other direction.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. And overcorrected.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. It just sounds like someone. I mean, look, obviously, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It's a. Mentally ill.

[Dave Cyrus]

Very few people who translate. Very few people who commit mass shootings.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

Are mentally sound to begin with. You know, whatever their, you know, gender expression is. But it is funny how like how many people are just like. You see, it's always a trans person committing a mass murder, not the. What is it, 97% that were straight white men.

[Zach Amico]

Yep.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Dylann Roof. And they're just transient.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, they're just. There is absolutely a MAGA influencer out there photoshopping a dress on every single mass shooter that ever existed.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. In their head, the Batman shooter was wearing the nurse outfit.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's so funny.

[Dave Cyrus]

There's just. There's literally someone putting pink bows on pictures of Adam Lanza right now. Like, that's dedication.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we. So I don't know if this is me being a little too tuned into crazy people online, but you've seen the rumors online that Trump's either having strokes or there's something going on with him. Yeah. It's all silly to me. It's very silly.

[Dave Cyrus]

It seemed like more like people having.

[Zach Amico]

Fun than actually one thing that I read about and apparently has been a thing for a long time that is leading people to believe that maybe not that, but something is coming down the pike. Have you guys heard of the Pentagon Pizza Index?

[Dave Cyrus]

No.

[Tristan Bowling]

This sounds like the fucking.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, the thing about where you can see, like, what departments are having a lot of meetings by who's getting pizza where.

[Zach Amico]

So it's. It's. They keep track of all the Washington D.C. pizza places that are delivering to the Pentagon and where they're delivering. And apparently they've been tracking this since the Cold War because they realized the Soviets were using it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh my God.

[Zach Amico]

To track how many late night meetings, how many people were staying overtime at the Pentagon.

[Dave Cyrus]

And now do they also. Are they also able to determine how dire the situation is by what pizza they're ordering? Yeah, because I feel like if you're ordering Papa John's, you know, death is near.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Sir, it's Little Caesars and they got three crazy breads. Oh my God.

[Zach Amico]

Sorry. They doubled the garlic butter saw.

[Dave Cyrus]

We're all gonna die.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I, the, the list I read was apparently before a. Of bunch. Bunch of major invasions or political events, you see a giant spike in late night pizza orders to the Pentagon.

[Dave Cyrus]

Now, I know that there is a lot of legitimate information about Trump having what might be symptoms of congestive heart failure.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

Because the ankles thing, the hand thing, he's an old man. He's obviously not in good shape. So there is a lot of, you know, health issues with him that we.

[Zach Amico]

The makeup on the hand is weird.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yes, it is weird. It's a consistent problem. Even when I met him, I remember him having a bruised hand. And that was in 2015. Not. It wasn't. It wasn't like that. That was on his finger. But I. But like when you shake someone's hand, you're like, oh, that's weird. You have a. But like it. I mean, look, the guy is obviously not the healthiest person in the world. But what are they, are they, do they have any idea like what they're saying the departments are that ordering all these pieces?

[Zach Amico]

Was there any information like that?

[Shannon]

So here it's just basically it's saying the. That which pizza place it is and then it rates it on a level based on past history. But it does say between the 70s and the 80s during Soviet stuff is when they noticed a difference that 83 to 89 and then 90 to 91 during the Gulf War stuff. So they do have like a bunch of times that this happened to coincide with events.

[Zach Amico]

And then in specific events they like the week of they're able to say like, oh shit, they're staying really late at the Pentagon. They're working on something.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn.

[Zach Amico]

I've also heard the thing with the hand might be an IV.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

[Zach Amico]

That's, that's a treat. A few things.

[Dave Cyrus]

That is a. That is very possible. Yeah. Now all these pizza. Was it all from Comet Ping pong from the.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's immediately when I thought, when you said pizza index, I'm like, are they up to it again.

[Dave Cyrus]

Does Comet ping pong have information on the Epstein files that we're trying to.

[Zach Amico]

Get a lot of hot dog orders.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

A lot of. Lot of kids meals.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. 16 small succulent cheese pizzas.

[Zach Amico]

Yep.

[Tristan Bowling]

Delivered to the Pentagon.

[Zach Amico]

Ah, the Hillary special.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Oh, Hill, you're back in town.

[Dave Cyrus]

We need these pizzas to be. How do I put this? Documented. We need these. We need. We need seven pizzas. We need them all to be able to keep a secret.

[Zach Amico]

Mm.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, dude.

[Zach Amico]

And no barbecue chicken.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, yeah. No. No pineapples.

[Zach Amico]

No pineapple.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's not even a kid fucking thing.

[Zach Amico]

I just don't like that.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, yeah. Someone out there is like, what does no anchovies mean sexually? No. No. Oh, they just mean literally.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. They mean they just want pizza in crazy bread.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's the problem with common ping pong is if you actually want a pizza, it takes forever to explain that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. That's gotta be a real pain in the ass.

[Tristan Bowling]

The amount of times you send a child back to the kitchen, you're like, no, just a cheese pizza. I got you like, no, dude.

[Zach Amico]

That's one of my favorite old Tim Dillon episodes. He talk when they used to order coke from a pizza place, the code was a white pie. But then he would. They go, but also we would like a white pie. Like, also. That is what we want.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's so confusing. And also, what a terrible code.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Cause somebody. That is something I order a lot.

[Dave Cyrus]

It's not an uncommon pizza to get.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we're going to do one or two more things to get out of here. NYC men. And I don't know if this is real. This might be Zach getting fooled by the answer again, which happens a lot on the show because I'm dumb. NYC men find a stingray and immediately sell to Chinese restaurant. Damn, Shannon.

[Dave Cyrus]

Okay, the word found here is the problem with this headline. Those men did not find a stingray acquired. They. Yeah, they weren't walking down the street. And a sting and a live stingray.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, they're about to be walking.

[Dave Cyrus]

The stingray was in the Bronx on the sidewalk. They. This had to have been from some sort of aquarium.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that's a giant stingray.

[Dave Cyrus]

Do we eat a lot of stingray?

[Zach Amico]

No, but I would assume we eat orange chicken.

[Tristan Bowling]

And it just might be stingray.

[Zach Amico]

Or I would. I would assume maybe scallops, certain seafood.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

In. I'm sure you could judge it up.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, I also. Look, I know you can eat stingray because of naked and afraid but it's. I don't believe the story at all.

[Zach Amico]

I believe they have a stingray. Yes, Yes, I see a stingray. I also, to be honest, would not be shocked with a restaurant bottle.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, I just. I feel like that. But the only reason I think the restaurant didn't buy it is I don't think. I think the restaurant owners are too racist to buy anything from these men off the street who are just dragging an aquatic mammal through the fucking ground.

[Zach Amico]

Aquarium. That's my cousin.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, it's Aquarius aquarium. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

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[Dave Cyrus]

Woohoo.

[Tristan Bowling]

Nah, dude. Imagine just picking the gravel off a stingray. Just being like, this is good cooking, dude.

[Zach Amico]

You close it down. Yeah, I mean, I think you should eat stingray once just for Steve Irwin. Yeah, just one shout out to the bro. Yeah, just try it. I bet. But I mean, what's the difference? Fucking. It's just another thing.

[Dave Cyrus]

What if it's the best food you've ever had?

[Zach Amico]

It might be great out that.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's your favorite food. I kind of want to know.

[Zach Amico]

It might be great. Shannon. We didn't get any information on that. Right? It was just a silly video.

[Shannon]

Silly video? Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

All right.

[Dave Cyrus]

The fact that it's on camera makes me not believe it. Anyway.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, that looked like a stingray to me.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh no, I'm.

[Zach Amico]

Oh no.

[Dave Cyrus]

I am sure someone stole a stingray.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, well, I remember years ago they had like, people were finding like sharks on the subway.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, I guess. Oh yeah, you're right. Yeah. There was a weird thing when that was happening and I just assume some drug dealer got busted and they had, like, an aquarium full of exotic fish that they had to get rid of.

[Zach Amico]

You know what? That makes sense. I was. I was just doing people pranking.

[Tristan Bowling]

It could be RFK being up to no good again.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah, the baby bear. Yeah, yeah, there we go.

[Tristan Bowling]

He could just be thrown. He may have been the middleman for this guy getting a stingray.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, there you go.

[Tristan Bowling]

Who knows? That guy's doing everything.

[Zach Amico]

Now, we both know Kennedys never pull things out of the ocean. They leave them there. They leave them there and pretend like they weren't driving. Yeah, do. By the. Dave, do you know that story about what RFK was here when it was here. RFK was here a couple of years ago. And for people that know this one already, I apologize. And we had an office manager who was very beautiful and out of her fucking mind when I say I have never met someone with more diarrhea of the mouth. This lady Shannon.

[Shannon]

I could. I couldn't. I couldn't be in the same room with her. Very sweet, though.

[Zach Amico]

Very kind, but just a yammering ninny. The. The most. You would watch people leave, and she would follow them and keep talking.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, boy.

[Zach Amico]

Once again, though, very, very gorgeous. Very cute dog. So rfk, so they had a case. He came to do Dave show. They case out the studio the first day. Then he shows up, and they've got secret. I mean, he's got guards. Like, there's a guy outside. There's people on the street. He's got a couple. Very charming, I felt. I mean, the second I shook his hand, I was like, oh, this is a Kennedy. Like, this is a fucking. This is a charming motherfucker. When you meet him, right?

[Tristan Bowling]

You have the voice or.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Slowly progress.

[Dave Cyrus]

No, no, that's only on air.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he only says that.

[Dave Cyrus]

His voice is completely normal off air.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, how you doing? Rfk. Nice to meet you. O. With my wife Cheryl. Yeah, you know her from the curb. The curb? Yeah, baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yo, man, I just sold a Stingray to these brothers down the street, man.

[Zach Amico]

I wish my uncle would have ducked.

[Dave Cyrus]

I do love how us white people still do the voice of what black people sounded like when our parents were alive. Yeah, it's always like, 75 black guy that doesn't exist anymore.

[Zach Amico]

Excuse me, Can I dance with your date? Come now.

[Tristan Bowling]

Don't act jive on me.

[Zach Amico]

Hold the phone, player.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, it's definitely a guy in, like, a Kangol hat with a matching cane.

[Zach Amico]

So you guys, very charming. First things first. So this is. We have our very Great employee here. Blind Mike. Yeah. He's like, can I get you a water or soda? And he's like, I Love a tube, honey.

[Dave Cyrus]

11, do you have a shot glass of colloidal silver?

[Zach Amico]

Blind Mike goes, I don't know how to do that.

[Dave Cyrus]

He told Kennedy he was too stupid to make tea. We have a hot water machine.

[Zach Amico]

So then this fucking broad was, I'll make it. And she took so long that Secret Service kicked her out of the room to make his tea because she kept talking in between the steps of making tape. So now everyone realizes they got to get rid of her for the day. So Ralph tries to give her fake errands to get her away from rfk, and she literally goes, oh, I'll do those later. It's too exciting here right now. He's like, no, I think you should go, and I need you to pick up these things for the studio. She's like, no, but everybody's here right now. So RFK is talking to Dave, and Ralph and I are sitting outside, and we're watching her. So Secret Security can't leave their post. And what would happen every time she would, like, corner somebody? They would leave. They would go to another room or they would walk outside, but they had to keep their post. So we're watching her just yap at them. And, dude, I swear they were gonna go for their cyanide tablets. And we walk in to this sentence. So what do you guys think happened to Chappaquiddick?

[Dave Cyrus]

There's no controversy. Is there even, like, a conspiracy about that?

[Zach Amico]

No, everyone, just a murder.

[Dave Cyrus]

He just. He crashed his car and he saved himself and not her.

[Zach Amico]

Like, just. So what do you guys think happened? She didn't last. That was her last day, believe it or not.

[Dave Cyrus]

See, why didn't RFK at least understand that if he just tolerated a little bit of her, it would protect him from the rest of her, from her being too much?

[Zach Amico]

Well, he was in here. He was. She. She got it with the security guards or the Secret Service, whatever you want to call them.

[Dave Cyrus]

I'm just saying a little. Just a little exposure to her would have inoculated.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't pick up on your very funny thing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm running a few. But, dude, it was the sentence. And then they both couldn't believe she asked. And then I just. It got back to Dave that that was the question she asked RFK Security. And he's like, jesus Christ. This guy came all the way here to talk to me.

[Dave Cyrus]

At the same time, though, I don't really blame her because I feel like there's a good chance RFK would immediately be like, there never was a car or a bridge. They were both frozen and then dropped in the water.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, fuck. That was so fucking funny. All right, let's do a Twitter night and get out of here. Shannon plus size model lays bare her struggle to find love. Says men are too ashamed to be seen with large women.

[Dave Cyrus]

Now, before we even see this woman, we're going to show this woman. Of course, the. The definition of plus size model should be legally, like, legislated because it is so ridiculous. What. What some women count as being plus size.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like, it just looks like a regular supermodel when she has a week off.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. 100% like the girl. When they do, like the plus size models on America's Next Top Model, they're like, oh, they're just hot ladies.

[Dave Cyrus]

They're just. Yeah, these are just models. These are. These. Aren't it just. Yeah, you're not a fashion model. You look more like a video girl.

[Zach Amico]

And you're like, there's a difference between plus size model and just not emaciated. Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Right. And there doesn't seem to be, like, in the definition.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. There's people walking down, like the Gucci Runway where it's like you look like an alien.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

And then you'd see like the hottest chick walking down the street and you're like, yeah, you're a plus size model. Now it's like, that's. That's crazy. But the, the, the end of it is just like.

[Zach Amico]

I also feel like we're coming in. We might be the first or second generation that thick. Well, you talked about a thick 10.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

When we were talking about where the. Cause like, I've. When I talk about, like my dad generation and above the definite. The fucking. The bar on what a hot chick was. Was very dead. Like.

[Dave Cyrus]

Well, it's funny, it went back and forth.

[Zach Amico]

A big ass.

[Dave Cyrus]

A big ass in the 80s, 70s. 60s was disgusting. Then you go a little bit further back and it was cool again.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

In the, like, 30s, 40s, they wanted a big, thick, sloppy woman who could give birth to some kids for them.

[Zach Amico]

Yes, 100%.

[Dave Cyrus]

And then, like, we had the weird fashion industry, the 60s, they looked like fucking coat hangers.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Dave Cyrus]

The quote unquote hottest women. But then, like, in the 50s was Marilyn Monroe, who was back to being thick. So thank God we're back. All I can Say is like, I go, you know, when I see an Instagram and I see like a plus size model, whenever I see a girl who's like, you know, like an ass model, it's always funny because it's like, it's a super hot girl. There's two things you always know. They act like they have a cross to bear by being thick. And Zach Amico follows them.

[Zach Amico]

Yep, 100%. Anytime I follow a girl with a giant ass on Instagram, I go, which other black comics follow her? All right, so Shannon, let's take a look at this lady.

[Tristan Bowling]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I. I mean, that's my speed.

[Shannon]

She's. She's 6 foot and 385.

[Zach Amico]

That's a. Yeah, that's a big gal.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's a big bitch.

[Dave Cyrus]

385. Are you 385?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, wow. Really?

[Zach Amico]

Consider. Yeah, please.

[Dave Cyrus]

She's. Look, she's very.

[Zach Amico]

Let's see her in motion.

[Dave Cyrus]

She has a beautiful face.

[Zach Amico]

She really does.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

I'm gonna meet that.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. I mean, she's very pretty. I can see if you're not accustomed and. Or prefer certain things where you could be. All right. Yeah, let's see that.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, the dude. Oh, she's got like a five foot four boyfriend.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, he is a pig and shit, isn't he?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, he's happy. Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

I mean, he could not be happier.

[Zach Amico]

He fucking. Dude, he fucking rolls around on her like fucking Scrooge McDuck. And that's a happy fucking Mexican. But see, look how much prettier she is than that fucking slob next to her.

[Dave Cyrus]

I. I would say the blonde is the hot one.

[Zach Amico]

The third one, the blonde is very cute.

[Dave Cyrus]

Blonde is.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I mean, look how much better she is than the girl.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, no, I mean, no, that's.

[Zach Amico]

It's two very different kinds of facts.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. I mean, look, there's nothing wrong with it, but. Yeah, it's not really my type. That's. That's bigger than I've.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, no, that's fine.

[Dave Cyrus]

Ever dated, but very pretty face. I mean. Yeah, no question. If. If that's what you're into, I totally get it.

[Zach Amico]

That's okay. That's a great way to say it. If that's what you're into, that's an exceptional version of it.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah, 100% like. Yeah, that's.

[Zach Amico]

I am.

[Dave Cyrus]

And yes, if you want a big statuesque. If that's the word. Like, if you.

[Zach Amico]

Ruben esque, you just.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yes, thank you. You just like. If you just like a lot of woman. I totally get that six foot is. That's. That's big.

[Zach Amico]

That's a big. Yeah. And she got heels on.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn.

[Dave Cyrus]

See, I don't know if I'd want to even. Even if she of any. I don't think I could date a 6 foot tall woman of any stripe really. Because she's gonna want to wear heels at premieres and stuff. I don't want to look like Andy Dick with a. With a supermodel.

[Zach Amico]

Dude. That's wild. Her in the fucking German outfit.

[Dave Cyrus]

See that right now what they're doing looks like someone could get hurt.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

They're just.

[Zach Amico]

And it might be the stairs.

[Tristan Bowling]

There's structural support damage going on.

[Zach Amico]

Bring that back up again. Doesn't that look like they're gonna get set on fire and a guy's gonna oll. Buh buh. Getting older all the time. I'm Bam Margera and this is hopping. Two fat ladies on far.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yo, I'm gonna hop these fat. While they sit on top of my Lambo. Let's hope they don't pop the tires.

[Dave Cyrus]

See the unfortunate thing also is like you never. She doesn't throw a lot of ass. I feel like she might be one of those women that. It doesn't really.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Mine. It might be.

[Dave Cyrus]

So that.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, can you go back up? There's one of her bent over.

[Dave Cyrus]

When it's more proportional. That also.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, go back up. There's one of her in black. There we go. Let's. Yeah, that's.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. She doesn't have like. I guess what you might expect like she actually has Especially for.

[Zach Amico]

She's Spanish.

[Dave Cyrus]

Yeah. It's kind of a smaller ass than you'd expect me.

[Zach Amico]

But still. I would say. I would say toit.

[Dave Cyrus]

But she's.

[Zach Amico]

But also you know what up to. Up to. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder on that one. And I would behold her quite. I mean I would behold her as long as. Yeah. I mean this guy's struggling.

[Tristan Bowling]

Fucking ribeye of the beholder, dude.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. This guy's. Fuck. This is. Yeah, you gotta fucking. You gotta work for that.

[Dave Cyrus]

That guy's knees are not okay.

[Tristan Bowling]

He's just keeping his ACLs up.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Dave Cyrus]

Like he knows he's on camera. He has to go along with it. But that guy had to ice himself later.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Fuck. Did you. Was it on World's Art? Shannon, I don't think I remember to send this to you. I apologize. There's the funniest. I think it was World stars funniest video of a guy catching his Brother trying to sneak an enormous woman out of their apartment.

[Tristan Bowling]

I did see this video.

[Zach Amico]

It made me laugh so fucking hard because you just see the guy walking, like, quite like. Like almost like the cartoon. Like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And then he goes, hey, man, how you doing? He's like. And then you just see this, not, not that. Yeah. And then the guy goes, man, what the fuck? And just starts filming her leaving.

[Dave Cyrus]

That's just me. This is why I must be the only person in the world who really wants for, like, all the Internet to be way more legislated, like broadcast tv, so that people can't post videos of anyone they don't have a release for anymore. Because that's what would bring TV back. Because that's why YouTube and TikTok has such an advantage over broadcast. Because they could just put fucking anything. They could take clips of shit. They can, like, put people that didn't want to be, like, filmed on the subway. And I do feel like I was like, we should go back to, like, where you have to get someone's release. I am offended by the idea of how many fucking poor strangers are being made fun of on the Internet against their will.

[Zach Amico]

I remember a couple years ago, this is more than a couple, when I was still selling tickets outside comedy club, a guy came up to me on a bike. He's like, hey, man, I know you from the Internet. And I thought he maybe saw me do comedy. He goes. He goes, no, no, you're a meme. And I was like, what? He's like, yeah, you're all over my 4chan. And I was like, as what? And he was like, nevermind. And just kept riding away. And it must have been something horrendous.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, so you still don't know?

[Zach Amico]

I've never seen it.

[Dave Cyrus]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

It must have been some, like, specific.

[Dave Cyrus]

Someone recording you at a drive through or something.

[Zach Amico]

I have no idea what it was, but I'm sure it was fucking humiliating.

[Dave Cyrus]

Someone just caught you eating an ice cream. Cohen on Coney Island.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah. Like George Costanza. All right, I think we could wrap this one up. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you so, so much to my guests, Tristan Bowling and Dave Cyrus. Please support them. Listen to modern apes. Check out Triumph the Unsolved Comic Dog. And I really appreciate you guys. Thank you to Shannon and Jorge in the booth. And we'll see you Wednesday here on the old Morning Zoon.

[Dave Cyrus]

Is morning time to him. Papa Baco, Chug it down.

[Zach Amico]

Just like the favorite Obi Smile. Grab a coffee and join the crew. It's Akamiko morning, too. It's Akamiko morning, too.