0045. Mike Figs, Tristan Bowling and Boris Khaykin

Summary

The Luis and Zac Show – Episode 0045: Mike Figgs, Tristan Bowling, and Boris Khaykin

Hosted by GaS Digital Network

Release Date: March 16, 2025

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1. Welcome and Introduction

The episode kicks off with Luis Gomez and Zac Amico welcoming their audience, introducing Mike Figgs as their overtime guest for the week. The hosts set a lively and unapologetic tone, characteristic of The Luis and Zac Show.

Notable Quote:

• Zach Amico [01:20]: "Boys, it's a Wednesday. It's a Lewis and Zach show. Mike Fig's going in. Shout out to Mike Figs for doing overtime duty this week. Thank you. Figgy Snake."

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2. Guest Introductions and Banter

Tristan Bowling returns to the show, bringing his comedic flair and unique personality. The hosts engage in playful teasing about Tristan's appearance and personal anecdotes, establishing a camaraderie that resonates with long-time listeners.

Notable Quote:

• Zach Amico [02:19]: "You look like a little baby boy."
• Tristan Bowling [02:18]: "Oh, guys."

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3. Robbery Incident in Jamaica

Tristan Bowling shares a riveting and chaotic story about being robbed while staying at a rental villa in Jamaica during a wedding. The narrative unfolds with vivid descriptions of the intruders and the ensuing panic, highlighting the lack of security and the fear experienced by the guests.

Notable Quote:

• Boris Khaykin [07:00]: "And at night, a bunch of people woke up to people, like, running out the windows basically with their Phones and some hats and some other shit."
• Zach Amico [08:45]: "We're coming back from Jamaica today. It's Wednesday, so everyone's coming back."

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4. Fire Festival vs. Skankfest

The conversation shifts to the notorious Fyre Festival fiasco, with the hosts parodying its potential sequel, Fire Festival 2. They critique the lack of organization and credibility, drawing parallels to their own event, Skankfest. The discussion is laced with humor and skepticism about the feasibility of such festivals.

Notable Quote:

• Zach Amico [21:06]: "Fire two is real."
• Boris Khaykin [26:35]: "It's going to be Mexico."

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5. IVF Clinic Mix-Up – A Comedic Satire

A significant portion of the episode delves into a fictional and exaggerated account of an IVF clinic's catastrophic error, resulting in a white woman inadvertently carrying a black baby intended for another couple. The hosts use this narrative to explore themes of identity, parental rights, and the absurdity of bureaucratic mistakes, all while maintaining their signature comedic style.

Notable Quotes:

• Narrator [37:30]: "Fire two is real."
• Zach Amico [44:14]: "It's clear that Coastal Fertility Specialist done up royally."

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6. Discussion on Self-Defense Weapons

In a controversial and darkly humorous segment, the hosts discuss various self-defense mechanisms against sexual assault. They invent and ridicule hypothetical devices, blending satire with edgy humor to address serious topics in an unconventional manner.

Notable Quote:

• Zach Amico [10:24]: "What if I gave you two of those."
• Shannon [14:20]: "Here's one thing."

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7. Promotions and Sponsor Mentions

Throughout the episode, the hosts seamlessly integrate promotions for sponsors such as Greenlight, Keto Brains, Mando, and SmallBatchCigar. These segments are interspersed with the main content, maintaining the show's energetic and spontaneous vibe.

Notable Quote:

• Zach Amico [19:59]: "Shopmando.com is the website. Use the promo code code LAZ. Get the uncensored ad free version of the show..."
• Zach Amico [31:12]: "Tristan, I have a new podcast, no longer the Final Stop. It's called Modern Apes."

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8. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

As the episode winds down, the hosts announce upcoming events and tours, including live performances, podcast appearances, and special tapings. They engage in humorous exchanges about their personal lives and future plans, leaving listeners with a sense of anticipation for what's to come.

Notable Quote:

• Zach Amico [58:43]: "This was my last show before Jamaica. Very excited. I worked, I came, I saw. I'm going bowling tonight..."
• Zach Amico [74:30]: "You guys are the best. Thank you guys for watching Lewis and Zach. Zach will be back on Friday."

---

Conclusion

Episode 0045 of The Luis and Zac Show delivers a robust mix of chaotic storytelling, edgy humor, and lively banter among hosts and guests. From Tristan Bowling's harrowing robbery experience to their satirical take on an IVF clinic mix-up, the episode encapsulates the fearless and unapologetic spirit of the podcast. Despite the controversial and potentially offensive material, the hosts maintain an engaging and dynamic atmosphere, ensuring that listeners are both entertained and provoked to think differently about the topics presented.

Overall Highlights:

• Robbery Story in Jamaica: A vivid account of a security breach during a wedding event.
• Festival Parody: Critical and comedic insights into the feasibility of large-scale festivals.
• Fictional IVF Mix-Up: An exaggerated narrative exploring personal and systemic failures.
• Self-Defense Satire: Dark humor addressing serious issues through fictional device discussions.
• Sponsor Integrations: Seamless promotion segments that align with the show's energetic tone.
• Future Announcements: Exciting plans and tours shared with the audience, fostering community engagement.

This episode stands out as a testament to Luis and Zac's commitment to pushing boundaries in comedy, ensuring that The Luis and Zac Show remains a revolutionary force in the podcasting landscape.

Transcript

[Lewis Gomez]

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[Zach Amico]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. You know what time it is?

[Tristan Bowling]

They say life a bit tight at night. Boy, we diving in. We got zomo, red dot, head shot.

[Mike Figgs]

Eat a sniper.

[Tristan Bowling]

The Puerto Rican point guard striking like a viper.

[Mike Figgs]

Lewis.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, baby. Boys, it's a Wednesday. It's a Lewis and Zach show. Mike Fig's going in. Shout out to Mike Figs for doing overtime duty this week. Thank you. Figgy Snake.

[Mike Figgs]

Just crack some nootropics. Feeling good?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, dude. Shout out to Keith. Shout out to Keto Brains, who's keeping us sharp and focused. And it's a great company overall. We love Keto Brains here.

[Mike Figgs]

Thank you.

[Zach Amico]

Loosen Zach show. How good is the taste?

[Mike Figgs]

Delicious. I could taste a coconut, man.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. This isn't even an ad read. This is real.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, it's not an ad read. No. Sucks. It's horrible.

[Zach Amico]

But I just.

[Mike Figgs]

I cracked it down because I need the testosterone boost, baby.

[Zach Amico]

So look, we have a great show planned today. Very exciting show. You know him and love him. From the Final Stop podcast. Tristan Bowling back on the show. Hell yeah. People love you, dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

How we doing? Thanks for having me again. Mustache list. Mustache list.

[Zach Amico]

You look young.

[Mike Figgs]

You look good.

[Zach Amico]

You look good.

[Tristan Bowling]

Do I look like a little baby?

[Zach Amico]

You look like a little baby boy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, guys.

[Zach Amico]

But you're a handsome guy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Thank you. Thank you. I feel like I should. My girlfriend never seen my facial hair. It would be like me without facial hair. I FaceTime her and she's like, you're actually handsome. Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

You got nice lips.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I do.

[Mike Figgs]

Your eyes are nice and blue.

[Zach Amico]

Oprah shirt.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oprah shirt. Retro Oprah shirt. 20 bucks on eBay.

[Zach Amico]

I like that. Very cool. And also back on the show.

[Boris Kaikin]

No podcast, no podcast. Just out here.

[Zach Amico]

That's a. That's a wild way to be these days.

[Boris Kaikin]

I know.

[Mike Figgs]

Dude, you got light eyes too, man.

[Boris Kaikin]

Light eyes.

[Mike Figgs]

Your eyes are light. You got pretty eyes.

[Boris Kaikin]

They're gonna get keyed out on the green screen.

[Zach Amico]

Now we're talking. Yeah, dude. Green eyes are just Fucking black Boris. Kaikin back on the show.

[Boris Kaikin]

Did I ever tell you that? Yeah, exactly. Did I ever tell you that K is silent in my last name.

[Zach Amico]

Hiking.

[Boris Kaikin]

Hiking.

[Zach Amico]

Really?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Guys in Williamsburg, you could. You could do the hiking.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Boris Kaikin]

I like Kaikin, Arizona.

[Tristan Bowling]

A lot of hiking up there.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, a lot of hiking.

[Zach Amico]

That's what I call it when I go to the bank. I'm kiking. Come on, folks. You heard that bleep just now. Guess what? That's because you're watching on YouTube or another platform. You don't have to do that. You guys can subscribe to gas digital. Gas digital.com use that promo code. Laz. Get the uncensored ad free version of the show pre release on all shows, plus a bonus show every Friday just for subscribers and over 1,000 episodes on demand in the on demand library. All uncensored and ad free. Go to gas digital.com use that promo code. It's the number one way to support the show. It's the only network on the planet that does this. There's no other networks. Like, there's no comedy podcast, uncensored network that you can fucking watch podcasts on anymore. We're the only ones.

[Boris Kaikin]

Rumble. Can you do it on Rumble?

[Zach Amico]

The Rumble. You can do it on Rumble, but nobody's fucking watching shit on Rumble. It's a goddamn nightmare.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's a lot of. You put a lot of things before that.

[Boris Kaikin]

But I do all my vaccine research on Rumble.

[Tristan Bowling]

I mean, that's a bad place to do it, dude.

[Zach Amico]

Rumble's like we're fucking. It's like me and Andrew Tate. Yeah, it's like Jeffrey Epstein's ghost.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Like, okay, Andrew, you can watch, like, you got to go through and like, watch Ants with, like, the Dubai subtitles underneath. And underneath it just be like, dude, we all hate Juice.

[Zach Amico]

So.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, they don't believe Kike is the point.

[Tristan Bowling]

Y.

[Boris Kaikin]

They actually insert it into other places.

[Zach Amico]

We have an incredible show planned today. I'm very excited about today's show. There's a lot of fun stuff to talk about. You know, this is the second show that we're doing today. Figs.

[Mike Figgs]

We're rocking and rolling rock and rolling.

[Zach Amico]

The whole cruise in Jamaica. We're coming back from Jamaica today. It's Wednesday, so everyone's coming back.

[Mike Figgs]

So right now you guys are in Jamaica while this is happening?

[Zach Amico]

Well, we're coming back. We're on our way back at this.

[Tristan Bowling]

Point, but I'm looking at you. How are you? What?

[Mike Figgs]

So we got.

[Tristan Bowling]

If you just disappeared, I would Shit my pants, I freak out.

[Mike Figgs]

So what's the over under on you banging Shannon hard?

[Zach Amico]

It's not up to me. I would actually have sex with Shannon unprotected.

[Mike Figgs]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

No condom, Shannon.

[Boris Kaikin]

Raw dug.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. What is. What's the over under here, Shannon? What is I'm gonna be over you. You're gonna be under me. Come on now. Come on now.

[Shannon]

I don't know how overunder works.

[Zach Amico]

Neither do I. Where do you think chance are, Shan? Give me a percentage. Percentage of a chance of us banging on this or not banging, but having a deep makeout session.

[Tristan Bowling]

She's thinking that's not zero.

[Shannon]

Because nothing, like there's nothing is a zero chance.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, there is. My mother coming back from the dead. Zero chance.

[Shannon]

I don't know. Maybe not.

[Tristan Bowling]

I've been working on some stuff specifically for your mom.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay.

[Shannon]

Because I still have some gaps to fill.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, you do. I'll fill those gaps.

[Shannon]

With my talent. I'll say a 10% chance.

[Zach Amico]

There's a 10. 1 out of 10. There's a 10% chance. 10 chance is wild.

[Mike Figgs]

I need you to banger. I need. I need a higher, higher spirits. Happier for the thing.

[Zach Amico]

She would be happy if I gave it to her.

[Shannon]

Paid attention to me more. I'd be much happier on the thing.

[Zach Amico]

Is podcasting if you've paid attention to her more. What was that about? You guys having problems? Is there trouble in paradise?

[Mike Figgs]

She comes on to me sometimes and she knows I'm not about that life.

[Zach Amico]

I'm loyal, you know, I my first of all, me suggesting that figs come on. Your podcast was the best. The best thing for that podcast. No offense to Maddie Justice. Cause I love Matty. He's a good friend. But I mean, what a difference in just energy and fun.

[Shannon]

That's true.

[Mike Figgs]

I love Shannon.

[Zach Amico]

She's Shannon. What, did you like Maddie better as a host? Is that what you're saying?

[Shannon]

No, of course not.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon]

No, of course not. Even though I wish. I wish Maddie the best. His birthday just passed.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, nice. He has a baby now too.

[Shannon]

Yeah, a little baby. Baby girl.

[Zach Amico]

Pretty wild. She's already. She's already bigger than him. She carries him. It's pretty cute.

[Tristan Bowling]

On the podcast.

[Zach Amico]

We have a fun show. I'm excited about it. You said you got robbed in Jamaica.

[Boris Kaikin]

Our house got robbed, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You rented a villa.

[Boris Kaikin]

We rented. We were at a wedding and we rented a big, nice house, like almost next to the wedding.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

And at night, a bunch of people woke up to people, like, running out the windows basically with their Phones and some hats and some other shit.

[Zach Amico]

Really?

[Boris Kaikin]

Yep. In the grill. So not.

[Zach Amico]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Boris Kaikin]

I thought you. I thought you're not on YouTube.

[Zach Amico]

What's going on here? Get to dig it down or not?

[Boris Kaikin]

A couple of us kikes were in the grill.

[Mike Figgs]

I think they stealing our hats. Oh, my God. Jamaicans are like, take the frisbees.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, no.

[Boris Kaikin]

Small window.

[Zach Amico]

They got the Frisbees.

[Boris Kaikin]

Look.

[Mike Figgs]

Why they got the. The frisbees made out of wool. Take that one, take that one. Boy got mad Frisbee in the. Oh, no. They taking our keepers.

[Tristan Bowling]

Wait, get back here. African American man. I know I treated you horribly when you first came in here.

[Zach Amico]

I knew we shouldn't have come to Negril.

[Boris Kaikin]

I. A Jamaican is still an African American.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, yeah. Don't. Don't we own this place yet? Israel too. Vacation homes.

[Zach Amico]

You're supposed to work for me, young man.

[Boris Kaikin]

Riviera of the Caribbean.

[Zach Amico]

So that's crazy. You were in the night and Jamaicans entered your home?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That's scary in general.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, Just while you're sleeping.

[Zach Amico]

But there was no security at the house?

[Boris Kaikin]

No, I don't believe so.

[Zach Amico]

When we run villas, there's a security guard that literally just patrols the whole time.

[Boris Kaikin]

Tonight I honestly, this was like four years ago, five years ago, so I'm not sure. There might have been someone around, like during the day. I don't think anybody was there at night.

[Zach Amico]

You need them at night.

[Tristan Bowling]

Have you ever had security? Like, have they ever found anything? Just be like, Mr. Gomez, don't be afraid.

[Zach Amico]

Mr. Gomez. Stop raping your employees.

[Tristan Bowling]

I think I should stop this. But it's. I mean, it is a talent show. He is good at it.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, that's a great idea for the talent show. What if it's me trying to sexually assault you, you have to fight me off. And then if you don't, I get to take it. Nice.

[Shannon]

That's my talent.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, your talent is getting raped, fighting off sexual assault.

[Zach Amico]

Hopefully fighting off sexual assault.

[Tristan Bowling]

Does she have her old accoutrement? Like, is this a subway situation or is this gizone accoutrement?

[Zach Amico]

Kidokuchimon.

[Tristan Bowling]

They don't pay me enough to stop the guy for rap.

[Zach Amico]

What do you mean her accoutrement? What would you have? Like, I mean, like one of those spike things?

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, yeah. Has that ever done anything to anyone.

[Zach Amico]

With the spike thing?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Is any. Is that a self defense thing?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's like you put it in your thing. Is it? And it's like A nail sticking out of your.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, I mean, that'll pop your eye, right?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So. Right. My understanding. What is that called? Shannon, look this up. It's like you. You grab it. It's got like a handle and then it's like a spike that sticks out.

[Boris Kaikin]

That was just how you carry your keys after you get mugged for a.

[Mike Figgs]

Month after the Jamaican security guard.

[Shannon]

But wait, what a coincidence that it's Brutus. A Brutus one. And it's a dog. And Justin was just on the last episode.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, he really went for a stretch.

[Mike Figgs]

It's Wednesday, Shannon.

[Shannon]

Yeah, I said last episode. It's one of these things.

[Zach Amico]

Let me see. It's got a spike sticking up out of the middle of it.

[Shannon]

This.

[Zach Amico]

No, I thought you're talking about.

[Mike Figgs]

It's a ring. And you press a button and a little needle comes out.

[Tristan Bowling]

What are you, James Bond?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. No.

[Tristan Bowling]

Who the hell is that?

[Mike Figgs]

It's a ring, baby. It's like imagine my rape wing.

[Zach Amico]

Imagine a. It's like a bar, like a metal bar. It's like the size like, you know, it's that thick. And then in the center of. It's like a nail sticking out of it.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's like an ice pick.

[Zach Amico]

Kind of like an ice pick with a handle. And you gang.

[Boris Kaikin]

Isn't that a nice pick? Does an ice pick. I think you're just describing it.

[Zach Amico]

It's not an ice pick.

[Mike Figgs]

A meat cleaver. Meat hook.

[Zach Amico]

What's not a meat.

[Tristan Bowling]

All right, that is.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, there it is.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. It's like that. Exactly. Self defense Spike. But there's usually one. I see. But that's. That's solid right there. Shannon, what if I gave you two of those.

[Shannon]

Oh my God, it's terrible.

[Zach Amico]

I give you two of those. Shannon.

[Tristan Bowling]

Wolverine stuff.

[Mike Figgs]

Who gonna appear for the villa? I have to steal everything like we did the Jews last month. Stealing, right.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, what if I gave you a taser? I'd be able to take that taser from Shannon. That was get my dick harder.

[Tristan Bowling]

Hell yeah.

[Zach Amico]

If you tase me, I'm like.

[Shannon]

I feel like I would end up getting tased somehow in the process.

[Zach Amico]

I think that's a great plan, Shannon. You try to fight off, but we won't say it's me. I'll pour like a ski mask. I'll come out and I'll.

[Tristan Bowling]

It won't be the talent show. It'd just be a random night.

[Zach Amico]

This a week after we get back.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. It's three years from now and I've been doing it Shannon.

[Zach Amico]

I get very aggressive, though. I will. Because if I'm gonna try to rape a. I'm actually. I'm not gonna just be like, oh, let me try to hold her hands down.

[Mike Figgs]

Like most rapists, you're not a nice raper.

[Zach Amico]

You gotta hit her a few times.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh.

[Zach Amico]

To really let her know, like, I could really hurt you. So just ease up.

[Shannon]

Oh, look at this thing I found.

[Zach Amico]

Let's see.

[Shannon]

This is a jogger stun gun.

[Zach Amico]

A jogger's sun gun.

[Shannon]

Can you put it right on your knuckles?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, look at that.

[Shannon]

And it has spikes.

[Zach Amico]

And it's shaped.

[Tristan Bowling]

True.

[Zach Amico]

Spikes. It has spikes and a stun gun. So you can. God, yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

I feel like there's no way that's got enough current to do much.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I mean, I think they probably. I think they're not.

[Boris Kaikin]

Probably. Tastes like licking a 9 volt, you know?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I don't think it's gonna. Yeah, I don't think it's gonna stop me if I. If I'm that motivated.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. You know, Shannon, you gotta be pretty motivated. You got to be pretty motivated to.

[Zach Amico]

She could try.

[Boris Kaikin]

Imagine the rapist that just gives up at the first.

[Tristan Bowling]

You know, that's when one thing you have to have about being a rapist is confidence.

[Zach Amico]

You do. You really have to go for it. If you hold back at all, it's gonna not end well for you.

[Boris Kaikin]

If you're.

[Tristan Bowling]

If you're saying I'm sorry while you're doing it, I'm sorry.

[Boris Kaikin]

You should do a master class.

[Zach Amico]

I really should.

[Tristan Bowling]

A TED Talk.

[Zach Amico]

The.

[Mike Figgs]

You're not gonna be able to rape Shannon because she's gonna have to take out all the rapes of this episode. She's gonna be in Jamaica.

[Boris Kaikin]

Shannon's like the final boss of rape victims after you rape all the others.

[Tristan Bowling]

You fought your way through my entire army just to meet me here. Gomez channel.

[Zach Amico]

Look up the top weapons to thwart rape. I guess that's not going to be an actual.

[Boris Kaikin]

I've been expecting you.

[Tristan Bowling]

A gun.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I mean, no, because we're saying, like, ones that women will carry. Pepper spray.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, if you got. Let's say. All right, I. You choose one weapon to fight me off, what would it be?

[Shannon]

Well, I. Pepper spray.

[Zach Amico]

You're not raping.

[Tristan Bowling]

You're not. That's bad.

[Boris Kaikin]

A gun. Shannon, choose a gun. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

No. Now you're gonna murder somebody. That's crazy. I'm raping. Rap is way worse than murder. Don't be an. Now. Rape is not as bad as murder.

[Boris Kaikin]

She could shoot you in the leg, you know, a little slap on the wrist.

[Zach Amico]

No, dude, you don't. You shoot center mass. You shoot the kill. Okay.

[Tristan Bowling]

She could blow your dick off.

[Boris Kaikin]

She's not a cop. She's a rape victim.

[Zach Amico]

She's blowing my dick off. That's my plan this week.

[Mike Figgs]

Now we're talking.

[Zach Amico]

Blow it right off me.

[Mike Figgs]

Shannon, he's got a tongue ring. We found out on the excuse.

[Boris Kaikin]

What about the no country for Old men prod? There you go.

[Mike Figgs]

That is gangster.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, the little air.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah. That's how you fight off a rapist cylinder.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

How much you ever lost on a coin toss?

[Zach Amico]

I mean, maybe a nail gun would be kind of badass.

[Mike Figgs]

Shannon turns into Benicio Del Toro.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, what are the. What are the weapons that you. What are like women's self defense weapons? Happens.

[Mike Figgs]

Crying nunchucks.

[Shannon]

I'm looking it up. Most of the.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, what about a stinky puss? You think that the rapist will get more turned on?

[Tristan Bowling]

Shannon, you can wear, like, the bottom half of his suit of armor. It's a deterrent.

[Zach Amico]

What do you got on the list?

[Shannon]

Here's. Here's one thing. Most of the stuff on this list that I found are things to, like, call 911 quickly. But here's one thing.

[Mike Figgs]

That's the one I was talking about.

[Boris Kaikin]

Is that something you insert in yourself?

[Mike Figgs]

No.

[Boris Kaikin]

Is that like the teeth?

[Mike Figgs]

Look, that's pretty sick.

[Tristan Bowling]

A dick surprise.

[Boris Kaikin]

Now you're stuck in here with me.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

You think I'm stuck in here with you?

[Zach Amico]

Now you just can't leave.

[Tristan Bowling]

You gotta walk up to a cop with, like, get him.

[Zach Amico]

Actually, that really exists. Remember a few years ago, I think that was the thing that went viral. Like, it was essentially like teeth that you put in the. That go the opposite way.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So when she puts his dick in, if he. Once he pulls it out, it just shreds his.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's like the opposite of how you get a squirrel out of your attic.

[Zach Amico]

It's a one.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's a one way door, and they can't come out. Except for your dick.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, look that up. That was a real thing. Maybe it was just some sort of, like, prototype on some dumb feminist website. It's like, we just need to make these. Yeah, but it was pretty hardcore parkour.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, it is. That would be funny. Oh, I got crapped again. She forgot to take it out.

[Zach Amico]

Well, because. Yeah, I think it was a piece that they put in their. And then when he slides his dick.

[Tristan Bowling]

In, it's like reverse teeth. So it just grabs it. Yeah, like when you push into. It's all. It's ah.

[Boris Kaikin]

I'm telling you, it's a squirrel.

[Zach Amico]

You go in, you like. All right, well, now I live here.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You are mine. I am yours.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Also, if that's got to feel bad if your dick is too small to not activate the anti rape thing.

[Mike Figgs]

Feels good.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. You have a very spiky wall.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Dude, this was it right here. Is it?

[Mike Figgs]

Does it rape X female condom with teeth. Fights rape.

[Tristan Bowling]

What like fights crime?

[Zach Amico]

Let me see this thing. Is this a real thing? This exists. You could buy this.

[Boris Kaikin]

It looks like. What's that thing for your period that you get that catches the blood?

[Zach Amico]

Oh.

[Boris Kaikin]

I've never seen.

[Zach Amico]

I was with a girl with two different girls that I diva.

[Boris Kaikin]

But I've done shots, you know.

[Zach Amico]

I was with two girls that had diva cups.

[Tristan Bowling]

Mozzarella.

[Zach Amico]

The one, the one. The one girl, I pulled it out of her. She let me take the diva cup out of her. Or maybe she took it out of herself and she gave it to me. Dude, it was. Dude, it was full of blood. It for. It was. I feel like a vampire was like romantic. I was like, do you have to.

[Tristan Bowling]

Do the thing where you get a really full beer? You gotta like.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, it spilled on the floor. Dude, it spilled. It was so much blood.

[Boris Kaikin]

California, 2017.

[Mike Figgs]

Shannon Tannins.

[Zach Amico]

Is that a real thing? Can you buy the anti rape female condom? Is that a real thing that you could buy?

[Shannon]

It looks like what they're showing is a prototype and that they're trying to raise.

[Zach Amico]

If I had that and I was a woman, I mean, I would be trying to get raped, I'd want to test it out so bad.

[Tristan Bowling]

Take a shot. Walking through a bad neighborhood.

[Boris Kaikin]

Now we know why she was asking for it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I almost feel like it's the type of thing that some crazy would put inside of her and then.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Ah, but you forgot to put one in your ass.

[Mike Figgs]

You see, you think I was gonna. In the ass?

[Zach Amico]

You have to buy. You have to buy three of them.

[Boris Kaikin]

She's just raping herself with the anti rape devices.

[Tristan Bowling]

Stephanie hates getting raped and she really goes out of her way to stop it.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, she caught three rapists. It would. It would. It would shred your dick. It would slice it down in four different areas and you'd have like a.

[Boris Kaikin]

Now you can rate four chicks is.

[Tristan Bowling]

What you're telling me.

[Zach Amico]

I have four dicks. Thank you.

[Tristan Bowling]

Like an echidna.

[Shannon]

I found a video on their website.

[Zach Amico]

Please.

[Shannon]

Of it working.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay.

[Tristan Bowling]

This is hot.

[Mike Figgs]

It's just like my hog demonstration. The rape device has already been.

[Zach Amico]

No guys with this big a dicks have rape.

[Tristan Bowling]

Rape.

[Zach Amico]

No, you don't need to rape if you have such a nice hug. Oh, yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Automatically attach itself.

[Tristan Bowling]

I wasn't wearing a condom.

[Zach Amico]

But it attaches itself.

[Mike Figgs]

You can see the device is firmly attached.

[Tristan Bowling]

Ow.

[Boris Kaikin]

Even if you go soft, though.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, but hold on.

[Zach Amico]

Wait a minute. Falls off if he just slides out. Can't you just her with that as like a big thick. This is worse.

[Mike Figgs]

It's so broad, it backfired.

[Boris Kaikin]

It just made his dick bigger.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I mean, if it doesn't. I thought like, literally the teeth shred your dick as you pull it out and you have a. I would hate.

[Tristan Bowling]

The rapist equivalent of I didn't hear the bell moment.

[Shannon]

This is some images of.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it pokes holes in it.

[Mike Figgs]

I mean, Owen Gray has a wang like that.

[Zach Amico]

How do you. How do you. Or it would put holes in it.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Wow. Does your dick started shooting jizz about.

[Tristan Bowling]

Say when you pee, Is it like when Tom gets shot and you take a drink of water? Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That is wild. I. There'd be some evil that would just do that and leave it in. When she goes to a guy, just see what it's like. I mean, I'd be so curious to see if it works.

[Tristan Bowling]

Or some real impractical jokers slipping on one of their buddies while they're sleeping.

[Zach Amico]

That'd be fun. All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show. Mando is total body deodorant. No longer is deodorant just for your armpits. Figs.

[Mike Figgs]

Dude, you gave me some Mando. I put it right up my crotch. I'm so fresh. My lady loves it.

[Zach Amico]

Well, that's why you have a low sperm count. You're not supposed to put it right up your crotch.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, boy. You told me a little too late.

[Zach Amico]

They really have it everywhere. Do you can use it for your balls, your grundle, your butt, your crack. If you have folds on your body, you can put it on your feet. They have a bunch of different amazing products that will make you smell good way, way longer than your regular deodorant. It is clinically proven to control odor for all day and for up to 72 hours. It's baking soda free, paraben free, and comes in a wide variety sense that's going to make you feel like you're stepping into a newer, fresher version of yourself. Here's what you got to do. You got to try out their starter pack, right? It includes a solid stick deodorant, a cream tube deodorant, and two products of your choice, like the mini body wash or the deodorant wipes, which are a lifesaver.

[Mike Figgs]

I got them in my bag right now.

[Zach Amico]

I always carry. I always carry them on me. Every time I travel, I have my deodorant wipes. You get off a plane if you don't have time. I travel all the time. I go out to do comedy shows. I land a couple hours for the show. Sometimes I don't have time to shower. Little Puerto Rican shower downstairs. Boom, bing, bang, boom. Shopmando.com is the website. Use the promo code code LAZ. At checkout, you're gonna get $5 off your starter pack. That's over 40. It's already pretty affordable. Try out the starter pack. Save five bucks. Use that promo code laz. That will let them know that we sent you there. Shopmando.com. all right, let's get back into it. That's pretty good. So, Shannon, what about that? If you get that. So if I get inside.

[Shannon]

No, that's crazy. That's your talent inside.

[Zach Amico]

That's your. Yeah, I'm already inside. Exactly. Now I have that memory.

[Mike Figgs]

All right, now, Lewis, pull it out.

[Zach Amico]

Out.

[Mike Figgs]

And you pull out that dick.

[Zach Amico]

Fire Festival 2 is coming, guys.

[Tristan Bowling]

For real.

[Zach Amico]

This is what Billy McFarland says.

[Tristan Bowling]

They should sell those anti rape things, whoever Billy McFarland is Seth McFarlane's brother.

[Zach Amico]

What?

[Boris Kaikin]

So is Ja Rule still in the game?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. What do we know about Fire Festival 2? Shannon, we should go. We should try to get a performer.

[Mike Figgs]

Festival without Ja Rule. Ja Rule's got to redeem himself.

[Shannon]

So he's responding here because people are saying that it's a lie that Fyre Fest 2 is going to happen. Apparently some reporters reached out to some hotels, some villas. Hotels and yachts that were supposed to be a part of this. And they said no, that they're not a part of it. And so he came out and he has this video here. And if you want to watch some.

[Zach Amico]

Of it because it's. The name is valuable enough. Like it's. It was such a meme.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I know it's just all like. But no publicity is bad. It really isn't. Yeah, right. This is.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's like that guy bringing Enron back as like a big joke.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that's the name of the guy who robbed your villa.

[Boris Kaikin]

And Ron.

[Zach Amico]

And Ron. Ron you called him.

[Mike Figgs]

And Ron was so nice when we checked in.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's where the last thing he heard was like, all right. And run.

[Boris Kaikin]

Why'd he say his name before he ran on?

[Zach Amico]

Go ahead. Let's see.

[Christina Murray]

Everybody, I have a really important fire update. Last week, I did an interview in the Today show. And since then, the story has been shared, retold, twisted, and covered by journalists from all over the world. I figured it would be best to hear directly from me what's actually happening first. Fire two is real.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's hot.

[Christina Murray]

We have incredible brain.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's a caveman brain.

[Zach Amico]

Just so you know, I have the burn to prove it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. This caveman brain just be like, I have a fire update. Fire. Hot.

[Zach Amico]

Fire.

[Tristan Bowling]

Good.

[Boris Kaikin]

You may have heard the conspiracy that fire is fake.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Here. I make fire cook. Yeah.

[Christina Murray]

They're in charge of all the logistics, productions and operations.

[Shannon]

It's 2:00. You have to put money on your thing.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, let me put money on my thing. Are we gonna. Are you gonna make an edit or are we just doing the Shannon?

[Shannon]

Let's just do it. I'll keep playing.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Christina Murray]

This includes an incredible production team in Mexico who does not f around. There is no way.

[Boris Kaikin]

It'S the cartel.

[Christina Murray]

Accommodations. Naturally, this was a huge point of emphasis given the issues surrounding Fire one. Our accommodations include contracts, the number of villas, yachts, and hotels.

[Mike Figgs]

It kind of looks like it also.

[Christina Murray]

Includes two hotels who were contacted by the.

[Boris Kaikin]

I could see it a little bit.

[Christina Murray]

Gave misleading statements saying they never heard of fire and they aren't working with us. After hearing this, I asked my team to terminate those contracts and to focus on the hotels and other partners who are eager to work with and support Fire4. We have talent. Artists, athletes, and other performers are as.

[Boris Kaikin]

He just terminate contracts.

[Zach Amico]

Wait, what Athletes? Athletes are performing?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. You get to throw a ball.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

With J.J. watt. You get one cut.

[Mike Figgs]

Guys, we got Mark Crabette. Sorry.

[Christina Murray]

Restitution is being paid. Since being released 30 months ago, I've made 40 payments to restitution. I've also made it my mission.

[Zach Amico]

He went to jail over this? Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Where does he get money?

[Zach Amico]

How long did he go to jail for? Shannon?

[Shannon]

I have to double check.

[Zach Amico]

He has the female condom in his mout. I had her get one of these condoms for jail.

[Tristan Bowling]

Joe really took a number on me. Also, he has this weird, like, cadence of speech where he sounds like he's speaking in front of, like, a press conference. Yeah. And, like, getting applause. He's like, fire two is coming back.

[Zach Amico]

Well, somebody Who? Somebody who also lists things with the numbers when they're just walking and talking. Is a crazy person. He has no, like, charisma and just doesn't know how to actually talk. You don't need to say number five. Yeah, just talk, fuckface.

[Shannon]

He spent four years in jail.

[Zach Amico]

Four years in jail.

[Adam Wolf]

Nobody died.

[Zach Amico]

You can go to jail.

[Boris Kaikin]

That's what.

[Zach Amico]

Abort mission this weekend. Abort.

[Boris Kaikin]

But also, he literally didn't learn his lesson. Like, send it back to jail. Why is he doing this?

[Zach Amico]

Go ahead.

[Christina Murray]

More than legally required, part of this has been giving a large percentage of fire to his budget and profits directly to restitution 6. My partners and I have remained in communication with local and state government to ensure full compliance. And a successful event that benefits the local economy, shares the beauty of the Mexican Caribbean with the world and helps make right for all of the wrongs.

[Zach Amico]

It's going to be Mexico.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Christina Murray]

Fire two is moving forward and we are moving forward with full integrity. From now on. Updates will come directly from me. I look forward to continuing to work with my great partners to bring the 30 fire to life and to help make right for all the wrongs.

[Zach Amico]

What, Shannon? What? What do you actually go to jail for? What was the charge? Fraud? I'd love to know. I. Look the name I was.

[Shannon]

Wire fraud. Fraud.

[Zach Amico]

Wire fraud.

[Tristan Bowling]

Worse than regular fraud.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Because of the wire.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

It's like that Chase thing. So it must have been a lot of money for four years.

[Zach Amico]

Four years is crazy.

[Mike Figgs]

Must have been a couple hundred.

[Shannon]

26 million.

[Zach Amico]

26 million?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. A couple hundred thousand? Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Holy.

[Boris Kaikin]

That video makes no sense. How is he terminating contracts? Because someone said they weren't involved. Like.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Does he have something in his contract that. That says he can terminate the contract?

[Tristan Bowling]

You have to say, you know me, right?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. This guy, he's.

[Boris Kaikin]

Don't deny we're friends.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

This guy. Complete fraud. I really want to go to Fyre Festival though.

[Mike Figgs]

I was just about to say who the says I can't wait to go to Fyre Fest?

[Boris Kaikin]

And like, what. But what. But what artist is like. I want my name involved with this.

[Mike Figgs]

This guy.

[Zach Amico]

I would perform at Fyre Festival. Shannon, can we get me in touch with what's his name?

[Boris Kaikin]

It's actually just Skank Fest. Under a new name.

[Tristan Bowling]

You kind of run a fire festival, but it's a successful.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh my God. Douchrey's headlining on Friday.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I would.

[Tristan Bowling]

Rich Voss at Fire Festival. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I mean I would love. Dude, I would love to perform a Fire Festival. That would be the greatest achievement.

[Boris Kaikin]

Stupid.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, sorry. Headline is coming through.

[Zach Amico]

Is there a website? There is a website, right, Shannon, One second.

[Boris Kaikin]

Fire dot com.

[Shannon]

It's not Fire Festival.

[Mike Figgs]

It ain't gonna happen. This whole thing, it ain't gonna happen.

[Boris Kaikin]

Also, he didn't pay restitution. He's using this to like, it's. It's a pyramid scheme name.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Pay people back first.

[Tristan Bowling]

I don't.

[Boris Kaikin]

I don't trust or just get a job. Like, dude, yeah. Go get an electrician's license.

[Mike Figgs]

You're free.

[Zach Amico]

All right. You got Boris on the case. Boris is really kiking this right now. Oh, yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

I'll manage his finances and career.

[Zach Amico]

He's like, this is not right. This is not how money works. This is not good.

[Shannon]

There is a website.

[Zach Amico]

What is the website?

[Shannon]

Let me see. I'm trying to see if you can buy. Oh, here's. Here's the ticket prices is 1400.

[Zach Amico]

It's a general pass. And people complain that Skank fest tickets are $500. It's insane.

[Mike Figgs]

Phoenix. Artist access. Create the fire.

[Zach Amico]

You create the. It's artist access. Oh, so if you pay $25,000, you get artist access. Yeah, there's no. You can't buy artist access into Skank Fest unless you're a sponsor.

[Mike Figgs]

How it works. And no, nobody is. Like, there's no lineup yet. No one knows who's going to be there.

[Zach Amico]

Are they on sale already?

[Tristan Bowling]

It seems like it.

[Shannon]

Yeah. I think so.

[Zach Amico]

You can click that and buy it right now.

[Mike Figgs]

Does it say anything about the. Here we go.

[Zach Amico]

Buy tickets. Wow.

[Tristan Bowling]

It would be so funny.

[Zach Amico]

Sold out.

[Mike Figgs]

No soldier boy is going to be there for sure.

[Zach Amico]

Let's see. $1,400 each, general admission. Whoa, whoa. Shannon, will you come to Fire Festival with me? Shannon, please. How fun would that be?

[Shannon]

You want to be stuck in like a tent or something? Like what happened the first time?

[Zach Amico]

It's May 30th. It's happening. They're saying it's happening. No, May, they don't have. They're saying it's happening in two months.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Stop it.

[Mike Figgs]

He's doing it again.

[Boris Kaikin]

Crazy.

[Mike Figgs]

Wait a second.

[Zach Amico]

This is the biggest scam ever.

[Mike Figgs]

He's just doing it again.

[Zach Amico]

We have Skankfus happening in November and I'm freaking out that we don't have enough time to prepare a small comedy festival. He's got. He's two months. He doesn't have an artist listed.

[Tristan Bowling]

He's got a lot of pots in the fryer, man. He's got to Walk around. He's got to make videos. Got to talk to Mexico.

[Boris Kaikin]

People in Mexico are talking back to jail.

[Zach Amico]

Those are during my. My European dates. Fuck. Let's do our plugs real quick. And then we gotta. We gotta find out who's gonna be at Fyre Festival this year. This is absolutely crazy. I wonder how many tickets have been purchased just by influencers. People that are like, I gotta just fucking see this.

[Tristan Bowling]

I mean, it's got. I mean, it's just gonna be a bunch of people being like, all right, this sucks. It's what we expected.

[Zach Amico]

It was. It was crazy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

If you. I mean, do you watch the documentary about it? It was nuts.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Like, I remember seeing the videos of the tents in the wind, just flying, getting, like, onion and cheese sandwich.

[Zach Amico]

But it was like. It was the type of thing where you watch it and it's like. It's like a joy to watch because it's all. It's people that would go to this festival getting over people in the world.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's like people that feel no sympathy.

[Zach Amico]

Like, people that go to Coachella are just hand jobs.

[Tristan Bowling]

You know what I'm saying? Every. All the chicks are in just, like, fish nets and like that. Just being like, I didn't bring shoes for weather.

[Zach Amico]

I. Dude, I love this. This is the fact that he's going for it again. You know what? Ladies and gentlemen, Real estate of the week.

[Mike Figgs]

He's a real ass dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

He's got bad attitude.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, let's do some plugs real quick. Try. Somebody plug it, my friend.

[Tristan Bowling]

I have a new podcast, no longer the Final Stop. It's called Modern Apes.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, shit.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Record it from the Stand Studios down in Union Square.

[Zach Amico]

A lot of fun.

[Tristan Bowling]

It's me and my buddy Daniel Bridge. Gad. And also at the Stand a bunch if you want to come see through. See me host there pretty much every weekend. Also with Piggy Figgies.

[Zach Amico]

Hell Ya Baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. And Tristan is a comedian on Instagram. Follow me there. I'll post more content soon. Yay.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Boris Heborisk. I'll be at Don't Tell Easton the Friday when this comes out. And at Poconos Underground Comedy this Saturday.

[Zach Amico]

Very cool. Figs.

[Mike Figgs]

Fuck you at Comic Mike Figs. Check out the Thing Is podcast with me and Shannon. Check out Something Went wrong with me and Vinnie. Fucking go to Twitter omicmikefigs. Check out FikTok free episode. Then join the Patreon at Comic Mikey.

[Zach Amico]

Come see me live on the Bring 5 Friends tour. Coming to a city near you Lots of dates coming up. This is out on Wednesday. So, yeah, tomorrow night we will be at. We're doing live Story wars at the Dojo of Comedy in Morse Plains, New Jersey. Friday night, I'll be in Stamford, Connecticut. Stanford, Connecticut. New York Comedy Club Stanford. Next weekend, I'm in South Bend, Indiana. I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina. The weekend after that, St. Catharines, Ontario. London, Ontario. Windsor, Ontario. Burlington, Ontario, doing a little Canada tour. Then I'm in Philly for my birthday weekend. Nashville Zanies. We're doing story Awards and Legion of Skanks live. A lot of stuff coming up. And I have a European tour. Me and Scott Chaplin are going to Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester and London at the end of May, which could be a goddamn blast. Get all Those [e-mail] Get tickets for my special taping on July 12th in Tampa, Florida at Tampa side Splitters. And get your Skank fest tickets on May 2nd. May 2nd, Skank Fest officially go on sale. If you guys want to win VIP all access passes, that's including the Thursday night kickoff party. The only way to do that is subscribe to my email list, which also gives you a newsletter. In a bonus Lewis Journal podcast. Just my solo show where I talk about life, all things that are going on in my life. The behind the scenes of the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. That's it. That's it, folks.

[Mike Figgs]

Fire Festival.

[Zach Amico]

I love it.

[Mike Figgs]

I would go, no Ja rule. It ain't fire without ja.

[Zach Amico]

That is true, Shannon. So there's. This is happening. I don't know where this is at, but there's a woman who gave birth to a black baby because she didn't ask for a black baby. No. What. Her.

[Tristan Bowling]

What?

[Zach Amico]

She ordered. And.

[Boris Kaikin]

And she wasn't black.

[Zach Amico]

She know she is.

[Boris Kaikin]

What you're saying she.

[Zach Amico]

She gave birth to a black baby. She went to an IVF clinic, which you and your chick have to do.

[Tristan Bowling]

Burnt it.

[Zach Amico]

They left the baby in too long.

[Mike Figgs]

Baby got a little.

[Zach Amico]

They try to scrape it like toast.

[Tristan Bowling]

Y.

[Mike Figgs]

Baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I ate too many hot Cheetos. Burnt my baby up.

[Zach Amico]

Yes. Like, am I having a stroke? What do I smell?

[Mike Figgs]

That's the baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

Jonathan, go. A year in the room. I could smell you.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, pull up the story. This is. This is pretty wild.

[Shannon]

Okay, so this. This woman finally got pregnant after using the IVS process. After she gave birth to the baby. Baby was black. She kept the baby for a few months, and then the other family who, like, donated that sperm, the other family that was trying to have the baby. They found out that she had this baby. The DNA test confirmed that the baby was theirs, and so they sued her and they got the baby.

[Zach Amico]

How did they get the baby?

[Boris Kaikin]

Wait, so was the egg not theirs either, then?

[Shannon]

Well, it was biologically their baby.

[Boris Kaikin]

On both sides, I think.

[Shannon]

On both sides, it was theirs.

[Boris Kaikin]

She just literally got someone else's egg implanted.

[Mike Figgs]

This is wild.

[Zach Amico]

Hold on. First of all, you're just an oven.

[Tristan Bowling]

They just pop you in the oven.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, yeah. She was like a. What's that?

[Zach Amico]

Surrogate.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Well, she wasn't a surrogate. Right. She was.

[Boris Kaikin]

She was unknowingly a surrogate.

[Zach Amico]

She purchased an egg and a sperm, and they had it growing inside of her. And once she gave birth to the baby, the family wanted the baby back.

[Boris Kaikin]

It sounds like she only purchased a sperm and thought it was her own egg being put back.

[Mike Figgs]

Sounds like the doctor.

[Boris Kaikin]

They switched their eggs up.

[Shannon]

So she had. She.

[Zach Amico]

They were brown eggs. Yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

Okay.

[Shannon]

She had a sperm donor.

[Boris Kaikin]

That bird flu. Everybody up.

[Shannon]

But then ivf. I believe the process is that they, like, the embryo is, like, built outside of the body and then put into the person. So this was just somebody else's embryo that was put into her.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's a little oopsy.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, so they. They up and gave her the wrong embryo.

[Mike Figgs]

They went to the wrong. They went to the black shell.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, okay, okay. So it's a little different. I thought that they. They were Indian giving this baby. They never wanted her to have the baby. They were having their own little testu. Baby. And then they were like, they didn't get pregnant or they lost their baby, and then she gave birth to it. That sucks.

[Boris Kaikin]

What happened at her egg? Is the question the one that should.

[Mike Figgs]

Have been giving a baby? Something funny about that.

[Zach Amico]

There's something funny about it.

[Mike Figgs]

Something funny.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm want it back.

[Mike Figgs]

Baby comes out.

[Tristan Bowling]

You know what?

[Mike Figgs]

Baby comes out. He's. What are we doing?

[Zach Amico]

So, okay, let's take a moment and thank Small batch cigar for supporting today's show. Simple, fast, small batches. Great. If you like to smoke cigars. Small. Best cigar has you covered, dude.

[Mike Figgs]

I was at your house. And when you pulled those out, game changer, man. The party came to life, dude. Everyone was smoking bats in your kitchen, man. And all the maggots on your fridge. Wild.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I said, hey, guys, please take it outside. Please don't smoke cigars in my kitchen. I have a child. But everyone was just doing it because I had so many delicious, amazing cigars.

[Mike Figgs]

Batch cigar.

[Zach Amico]

There's Free shipping on every order. And every order arrives in almost two to three days in the continental United States. States. And they truly have the most thorough packaging in the industry. You order your cigars from Smarter scar. They come in with great. They really tight packaging with Boveda packs with every single order. So your cigar is nice and humid. Nice and fresh. You don't get any dry cigars. Check out SmallBatchCigar.com when you go there. Use the promo code GAS10. You're gonna get 10 off and 5% rewards points. Once again, that SmallBatch cigar.com. use that promo code GAS10 for 10 off and 5 percent rewards points. All right, where were we? So now she's suing the. The IVF clinic because they up.

[Shannon]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

And she fell in love with this little black baby. Or was she like, ew?

[Shannon]

No, she fell in love with it.

[Mike Figgs]

Sound like she tried for four months and it gave it back.

[Shannon]

Yeah. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but she fell in love with the baby.

[Boris Kaikin]

Them.

[Mike Figgs]

It's a they. Them baby.

[Boris Kaikin]

Black and trans.

[Mike Figgs]

It's not my baby.

[Shannon]

I don't. This is. It's a long video. I don't know if you want to look through a little bit of it, but it's the woman speaking out about the lawsuit.

[Zach Amico]

Cute. Let's see.

[Narrator]

And thank you.

[Tristan Bowling]

How do they make a black baby?

[Narrator]

My name is Adam Wolf, and I'm a partner with the law firm Piper Wolf.

[Mike Figgs]

Is this Severance?

[Narrator]

Are these the Audis talk or Piper Wolf for short?

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, sorry, but we're not retiring the baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

What is Severance?

[Zach Amico]

He ever saw Severance?

[Tristan Bowling]

No.

[Mike Figgs]

Apple plus.

[Zach Amico]

Great show.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, it's good.

[Zach Amico]

Pretty solid.

[Narrator]

On behalf of Christina Mercury against Coastal Fertility specialists for mixing up her embryo during.

[Mike Figgs]

I was in Jamaica in April.

[Zach Amico]

So you could say that they. They scrambled her embryo.

[Narrator]

Resulting in her carrying and giving birth to another couple's biological.

[Shannon]

Oh, sorry. I don't know what this is. That just came up.

[Tristan Bowling]

This baby's over me.

[Narrator]

In a moment, you'll be Christina. But first, I'd like to provide some background information about the lawsuit. Excuse me. Christina went to Coastal.

[Zach Amico]

I would rather Billy McFadden give this speech. He's like, One, it was a black baby.

[Mike Figgs]

One, they don't f around.

[Tristan Bowling]

Two, we're talking to people in Mexico now.

[Zach Amico]

I learned my lesson. I've terminated the contract with this IVF clinic.

[Mike Figgs]

Four, we got Luis J. Gomez and Rich Voss on the festival.

[Tristan Bowling]

Five, I want the baby. Give me my baby. Baby, Baby. Baby, baby, baby.

[Zach Amico]

Hell yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

What if that was the attorney?

[Boris Kaikin]

That's just what the defense says.

[Tristan Bowling]

We're going with the Chili's defense.

[Mike Figgs]

I want my baby back, judge.

[Tristan Bowling]

I would like my baby back. Baby back. Baby back. Sustained with barbecue sauce.

[Zach Amico]

With barbecue sauce.

[Narrator]

Shannon for IVF services to start her family. She actually chose the Clean Clinic in part because of its reassuring messages on its website, including, we will not give.

[Zach Amico]

You the wrong baby.

[Mike Figgs]

Babies only.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, We've only given correct babies to correct families.

[Boris Kaikin]

Not like those other clinics, you know?

[Tristan Bowling]

Do you know how much of an you would have seemed like if you went in there? Like, you're not gonna mix it up, right? They're like, what the are you talking about? Yeah, no, this is our medical. Yeah, I'm not giving you the wrong fries. This is a child.

[Zach Amico]

It's crazy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Give her the blank baby.

[Zach Amico]

She leaves the room.

[Tristan Bowling]

We scrambling that.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, if you get the black.

[Boris Kaikin]

Baby spit in it, wouldn't you want.

[Zach Amico]

To give the baby not because it's black, but because it's just not your baby? At that point you'd be like, this is.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

[Tristan Bowling]

No, I would say I found them also.

[Zach Amico]

They couldn't see in the. The ultrasound.

[Tristan Bowling]

I don't think you could tell. Racing.

[Zach Amico]

Well, it's really loud, the baby.

[Boris Kaikin]

But the skull says phone on in a movie.

[Mike Figgs]

The baby's on FaceTime with no headphones.

[Tristan Bowling]

Well, I don't know if we got in this.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's not a phrenology ultrasound.

[Tristan Bowling]

All right, so there's the baby.

[Mike Figgs]

Is the baby watching power?

[Tristan Bowling]

A JBL speaker.

[Mike Figgs]

Is that Fetty Wap playing from the jbl?

[Boris Kaikin]

We listen to the heartbeat.

[Mike Figgs]

The baby has ketchup in his fingernails.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm like, hey, what's up?

[Mike Figgs]

Hello. I love those memes.

[Tristan Bowling]

And just like two white people.

[Zach Amico]

All right, go ahead, Shannon.

[Narrator]

No safer place for your embryos. Unquote. Christina selected a sperm donor who resembled her. He was white with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. The next several months for Christina were grueling. They were filled with medical tests, drugs.

[Zach Amico]

She had a donor with dirty brown skin.

[Narrator]

Injections, follow up exams, and blood tests. Christina sometimes had to give herself multiple injections per day.

[Tristan Bowling]

She's addicted to heroin.

[Narrator]

The egg retrieval surgery was painful, but it was for an important end goal.

[Zach Amico]

End goal.

[Narrator]

The physically and emotionally demanding process was to allow Christina's retrieved eggs to be used with the donor's sperm to create her embryos. In May 2023, coastal fertility specialist transferred an embryo to Christina. But as Christina later Learned Coastal fertility specialists did not actually transfer to Christina one of her embryos.

[Zach Amico]

Whoa.

[Narrator]

Instead, the embryo that coastal fertility specialists transferred was poisoned to complete strangers who are also customers of coastal fertility.

[Mike Figgs]

The sperm donor being the host of wild n out, it was overwhelmed with.

[Narrator]

Joy and hope when she learned she was pregnant. In December 2023, she delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. But she vi vividly remembers the shock when she. She saw her baby for the first time.

[Mike Figgs]

The doctor. The doctor called them cornrows. The baby was bearing corn rolls.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

There was a bag of. Of takis in the baby's right hand. Virginia thought that was the umbilical cord. It was the baby's long schlong.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. When the baby came out, wood tip, cigarette in mouth, we knew something was wrong.

[Mike Figgs]

The baby was holding a $5 foot long chicken teriyaki.

[Tristan Bowling]

When the baby came out in his first. First words were, you got a buck fifty for the bus. I gave it to him. He went into a bodega and got a cold.45.

[Mike Figgs]

The baby was wearing a jersey from space jam.

[Tristan Bowling]

He was the most intimidating man I've ever seen. But also wearing a looney tunes puffer jacket.

[Mike Figgs]

The doctor immediately recognized the baby from the central park five.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, dude, I'm.

[Boris Kaikin]

Sir, do you live in this womb? I haven't seen you here.

[Tristan Bowling]

Sorry, sir. You're gonna have to buy something or get out of this hospital.

[Boris Kaikin]

On the bright side, the baby give us all an n word. Pass.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

When Christina evicted this baby from her.

[Mike Figgs]

Vagina, Kim Kardashian immediately broke into the room.

[Tristan Bowling]

When clad in Jordans, this baby was something different. He said, you ever get wavy young son and took off his durag.

[Mike Figgs]

We tried putting the diaper properly, but the baby insisted it sag below its size.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

Whereas Christina is a Caucasian woman who chose a sperm donor with a similar appearance. The baby she delivered was African American.

[Tristan Bowling]

Damn right you was.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

It was clear to Christina that coastal fertility specialist done up.

[Mike Figgs]

Done up royally.

[Tristan Bowling]

Someone's getting fired.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

They did not come correct.

[Tristan Bowling]

She had to stand 10 toes down in this situation. Like a real one.

[Narrator]

Imaginable error.

[Tristan Bowling]

Now, can you imagine later on just being like, have you ever a black guy? It's like, no, I had one inside.

[Mike Figgs]

Me for eight months.

[Narrator]

Clear. Christina had no issues or concerns with the baby's race other than the fact that it indicated that she was not biologically related it to her child. Instead of excitement or joy, Other than.

[Zach Amico]

The fact it was violent, racist reactions.

[Mike Figgs]

She had no problem with the baby other than the Fact, it's a disturbance in every movie theater in New York City.

[Tristan Bowling]

Not because it's black, because it's a baby.

[Zach Amico]

Besides the fact that her family would no longer speak to her. Yeah, no problem with this.

[Tristan Bowling]

Can you imagine the phone call with her grandfather? Just like I'm telling you, it was a mix up. It's like I told you, never. I told you, never. You ruin this family.

[Narrator]

Stay in the hospital was dominated by confusion and fear.

[Tristan Bowling]

Was dominated by his good deed.

[Mike Figgs]

She was confused. The baby wasn't in the infantry ward. It was at the cookout.

[Narrator]

Yeah, but like any other mother, Christina fell in love with her baby.

[Boris Kaikin]

Bought him headphones to use on the subway.

[Narrator]

She bonded with him. She breastfed him.

[Zach Amico]

She gave him hot sauce.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yo, Ma, this breast milk. You got some seasoning, maybe some sugar we can put in this thing? You ain't got no Danos Like a pony mama flavor?

[Mike Figgs]

Goddamn Danos over here.

[Tristan Bowling]

This ain't got no baby.

[Mike Figgs]

You get a lemon pepper, please. Bitch, come on. I got it.

[Narrator]

There's appointments.

[Mike Figgs]

Put on power. Mommy, I don't want to watch Ms.

[Tristan Bowling]

Rachel put on Big Mama House.

[Mike Figgs]

I don't want to watch no goddamn Ms. Rachel put on power. Chapter two.

[Adam Wolf]

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[Lewis Gomez]

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[Narrator]

Wondery at checkout him throughout the day. He quickly became her best friend, her daily companion, and her source of strength. But life with her baby was full of anxiety.

[Boris Kaikin]

He became her homie.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Her ghostwriter for her rap album.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

Every time the doorbell rang, Christina worried it would be someone there. There to take away the child.

[Tristan Bowling]

We know you have a black baby in there. Come out with your hands up.

[Zach Amico]

CPS will take a black baby away from anybody.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Your baby. My daughter.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

Felt that she needed answers. Whose embryo was transferred to her? And where was her embryo that was supposed to be transferred to her? Christina purchased an at home DNA, a gun.

[Zach Amico]

Christina purchase rope and some wire.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

She did not receive the results until late January of 2024. At the same time, Christina wanted Coastal Fertility specialists to know about her situation for at least a couple of reasons. First, she figured if this had happened to her at Coastal Fertility specialists, then it could happen to somebody else. Unless Coastal fertility changed its procedure.

[Mike Figgs]

I mean, where is the black woman with the white baby? Did a black woman have a white baby by mistake?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, he likes skin.

[Boris Kaikin]

And they were like, we're not telling anybody. Hold on to this.

[Zach Amico]

Our credit score just went up 100 points.

[Mike Figgs]

You gonna play for the Miami Heat?

[Tristan Bowling]

We told the Coastal Fertility service to come correct next time.

[Mike Figgs]

Dude, how much money is she gonna get? This is great.

[Zach Amico]

This is the wildest story I've ever heard.

[Mike Figgs]

This is crazy. Crazy.

[Tristan Bowling]

All the money she's going to save. Not buying him Jordans.

[Narrator]

Important for the other couple to know what had occurred. In late March 2024, Coastal Fertility told Christina that it likely had transferred another couple's embryo to her. It also informed the other couple that their embryo may have been transferred to Christina, who became pregnant and delivered the baby. A DNA test then confirmed that this is in fact what had occurred. Coastal Fertility had transferred to Christina an embryo that belonged to another couple.

[Zach Amico]

A black couple.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's wild of people.

[Mike Figgs]

That is crazy.

[Narrator]

The other couple ultimately took legal action against Christina to obtain custody of Christina's baby.

[Zach Amico]

Baby. Wow.

[Boris Kaikin]

Brutal.

[Narrator]

Christina was then advised that she ultimately would lose custody of her baby in family court if she and if she went to trial. So Christina gave up custody of her child to avoid a drawn out legal battle. That would just make the situation harder.

[Tristan Bowling]

She should have went on the run.

[Mike Figgs]

That's wild.

[Narrator]

After spending every month Excuse me. After spending every moment learn how to talk face.

[Tristan Bowling]

I see the baby every month, five.

[Narrator]

Months, every second of his life. Christina has not seen her child ever since.

[Tristan Bowling]

Not her child, but does she care?

[Mike Figgs]

Like, she don't.

[Tristan Bowling]

I mean, is that her?

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, that's her.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, I thought that was just a retarded assistant.

[Mike Figgs]

That's her.

[Boris Kaikin]

Look, she's the beatboxer.

[Zach Amico]

She's autistic.

[Boris Kaikin]

She's gonna drop the beat like it's.

[Tristan Bowling]

Bring your daughter to work day.

[Mike Figgs]

That was my her.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. She's non verbal. Non verbal. Deaf. Don't touch her. She will bite you. Very accurate.

[Mike Figgs]

Crazy. I thought she was upset because she had. I mean, she asked. She's upset for many reasons.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, honestly, it's crazy. It's gonna be worth the amount of money she gets in the lawsuit.

[Boris Kaikin]

They're gonna shut down that pretended like clinic is not.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, the amount of money that she's gonna make in this lawsuit. It's just bananas.

[Tristan Bowling]

Fun to fire festival.

[Zach Amico]

They're going to give her bananas. That's what they.

[Mike Figgs]

We want a banana.

[Zach Amico]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bananas. You bananas. I'll take bananas.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'll eat a banana. Get a potassium.

[Mike Figgs]

That poor baby.

[Shannon]

Do you want to see more of this?

[Boris Kaikin]

I mean, that baby will probably have no memory.

[Zach Amico]

Go to the last, like, two minutes of it. Let's see how he ends it, how he wraps.

[Mike Figgs]

She's gonna. She's gonna show up one day at this kid's high school like, I'm your real mother, dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

What if it just the dramatic Stuart to the end, he's like. And then he said, I ain't taking no baby. And I said, I will come over.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, she's talking. Oh, I think she's talking.

[Tristan Bowling]

Be talking.

[Mike Figgs]

I love my little baby. Enron.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

I love him so much.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

He works at a Sandals.

[Tristan Bowling]

I felt it was appropriate to name him demiroquist.

[Mike Figgs]

I was gonna name him daddy. And then, you know, and then I saw those lips.

[Zach Amico]

I put two apostrophes in his name.

[Tristan Bowling]

Originally, I was gonna go with Albert.

[Boris Kaikin]

But kind of looks like Mr. Bean in this shot.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, he does.

[Zach Amico]

Look, Mr. Bean me.

[J]

If he wasn't. Could someone comment?

[Zach Amico]

Rewind. I got to see her talking. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Mike Figgs]

This is incredible.

[Zach Amico]

When did she start talking?

[Tristan Bowling]

When she cipher.

[Zach Amico]

Go, go forward. I think she starts talking. Oh, she's thirsty. Christina Murray, former patient of Coastal Fertility Specialists.

[Mike Figgs]

Go ahead, Christina.

[J]

My name is Christina Murray and I live in Savannah, Georgia, and I am a former patient of Coastal Fertility Specialist. The actions of the fertility clinic have come very close to destroying me.

[Boris Kaikin]

Where's her husband?

[J]

Left irreparable damage to my soul. And she's not lovable. Whether I should be a mom or not.

[Boris Kaikin]

Wait, so she was going to raise a black baby without a father?

[Zach Amico]

Wow.

[Boris Kaikin]

Is that what you're telling me?

[Shannon]

She was. She had a sperm donor here. So it's not clear that she has a partner.

[Zach Amico]

Right? I mean, maybe the guy had issues with his sperm. Like figs. So your chick go take some other dude sperm you got.

[Mike Figgs]

No, my chick's eggs are fine. It's my sperm. I got to get my. So I'm fertile.

[Boris Kaikin]

You got, like, a brother who could give you sperm?

[Mike Figgs]

My brother wants to my girl. That's a whole other story.

[Zach Amico]

But I. Oh, dude, I'll get your girl.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's okay, dude. I can it. We can all.

[Zach Amico]

Sperm, dude. We can all.

[Mike Figgs]

Your girl has to find the right.

[Tristan Bowling]

She wants us bad.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, dude, what if we all.

[Boris Kaikin]

We all come in a cup, mix it up.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, dude. She drinks it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Just throw it on her face.

[Zach Amico]

And then we wait.

[Boris Kaikin]

And then we wait.

[Zach Amico]

Put it in the microwave and throw it at us.

[Mike Figgs]

This is a really fun episode. Until Boris wants to my wife too. Come on.

[Tristan Bowling]

Boiling hot cup on your dumb girlfriend.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's a Saudi Arabian IVF clinic.

[Tristan Bowling]

Biggie Piggy shooting duds.

[Mike Figgs]

Shannon, let me know what you're done.

[Boris Kaikin]

Well, it's been four years of this. She's still not pregnant.

[Zach Amico]

Cup of microwave juice right in her face. Why aren't you pregnant?

[Mike Figgs]

Take another coffee.

[Tristan Bowling]

Some say it's worse than the London acid attacks.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Coffee.

[Boris Kaikin]

Here you go.

[Tristan Bowling]

Call it prison napalm where I come from.

[Mike Figgs]

We'll.

[Zach Amico]

We'll. Your girl. All right.

[Mike Figgs]

There you go. Problem solved. Next story. Hold on.

[Zach Amico]

What are you doing?

[Mike Figgs]

They just need. They need to take one of my good sperm. So I'll. Within my sperm, there'll be one guy.

[Zach Amico]

There's a guy that's in. Then they gotta find him.

[Mike Figgs]

They gotta find him, pluck him out and pluck them out and raise him a bit, and then throw it in my wife's box.

[Zach Amico]

And you think that one sperm. Or they're gonna do it all outside of the. Or they're gonna do it inside of her.

[Mike Figgs]

I gotta hope that that one sperm does the trick. If not, I have to pay and do it again. So it's like 10 grand.

[Boris Kaikin]

They can't just take out more than one couple of guys.

[Mike Figgs]

Well, they're gonna look at all the sperm and Go. That's the guy right there.

[Zach Amico]

Annoying. Annoying. Annoying.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, kind of likable.

[Zach Amico]

Too loud.

[Boris Kaikin]

Mildly less annoying.

[Mike Figgs]

This one's it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Get them in a lineup.

[Zach Amico]

So. And then.

[Mike Figgs]

But her eggs are fine.

[Zach Amico]

Are they doing it outside of her body?

[Boris Kaikin]

We heard you.

[Mike Figgs]

We heard you.

[Boris Kaikin]

Her eggs are fine.

[Tristan Bowling]

She's not the problem.

[Mike Figgs]

Great eggs.

[Tristan Bowling]

Besides, all the hot come on her.

[Mike Figgs]

Face hurt my feelings. Yeah. No, they just. It's just me. So they got to get a good.

[Zach Amico]

Sperm, and then they inject it into.

[Mike Figgs]

Her, and then they put it in her.

[Zach Amico]

How do they put it in? Or actually trying to put the sexy music on.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

How are they injecting in it, Doctor?

[Tristan Bowling]

Feels good. Comes in.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I actually have no idea what the process is.

[Zach Amico]

You don't know?

[Mike Figgs]

I have no idea. I just know that hurricane.

[Zach Amico]

How expensive is this?

[Mike Figgs]

It's like. It's like. It can be 10 to $17,000.

[Zach Amico]

$10 to $177,000 shot every. If you got to go back again.

[Mike Figgs]

I have a friend of mine did it seven times. On the seventh time, he had the baby.

[Zach Amico]

Seventh.

[Boris Kaikin]

He got a punch card, though. To the seventh.

[Mike Figgs]

It's like a smoothie.

[Tristan Bowling]

Got a free sandwich.

[Mike Figgs]

Get a papaya drink. Yeah, it's rough. Which is why I keep asking him for four.

[Zach Amico]

But why? Why? And you've been trying. You've been jizzing in her for years.

[Mike Figgs]

Trying me. Doing. Here's the thing. I also got to get my together, man. If I'm, If I started boxing and eating.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, why don't you. Why don't you work on yourself?

[Boris Kaikin]

You'd rather pay $17,000?

[Mike Figgs]

I keep reading.

[Zach Amico]

Look how furious Boris is. He's like $17,000.

[Mike Figgs]

You got to work out. Yeah, I want the treadmill.

[Tristan Bowling]

I, I got live swimmers over here. Come on.

[Zach Amico]

Time.

[Mike Figgs]

Every time I've lost weight, I just relapse and gain double.

[Boris Kaikin]

Dude, I'll sell you a sperm.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I'll. Dude, I'll. Come work out with me.

[Mike Figgs]

You train me, bro. That would be the most fun.

[Zach Amico]

I stopped drinking. Stop smoking weed. We'll train. Lift some heavy weights. It all boosts your testosterone.

[Mike Figgs]

Imagine I'll look like you if I lost a bunch of weight.

[Zach Amico]

Let's go. Let's do it. Why don't you train?

[Mike Figgs]

I would love to eat.

[Zach Amico]

Eat right. Also feels good to eat right.

[Mike Figgs]

I, I, I love eating right.

[Tristan Bowling]

Right?

[Zach Amico]

Right, Right.

[Mike Figgs]

Wrong.

[Adam Wolf]

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[Mike Figgs]

So I got a lot of to do, man. But thankfully I'm only 27 years old, so everything's.

[Boris Kaikin]

You're 27.

[Mike Figgs]

I'm 35. Everything. Everything should work out. Baby boy way just got, I got to just put a little, you know.

[Boris Kaikin]

Put a little stank on it.

[Mike Figgs]

A little stank on it.

[Tristan Bowling]

Got to find that good come left in you.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, it's. It's there. I mean, the works fine, but your.

[Tristan Bowling]

Balls are a stagnant pond.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I got to do that. Seven day. Well, last episode the guy was saying that to go seven days without jerking and supposedly your tea shoots up. So let's try that. I never made it past four.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's what Seven Day Adventists are. Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

You're smart guy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. All right. Finish what she's saying, Shannon.

[Mike Figgs]

I gotta see the black mom. That's.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, I took that baby.

[Mike Figgs]

I like the baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[J]

As a child. What I wanted to be when I grew up. They were referring to my career. I said a mom. I spent almost two years.

[Zach Amico]

There's no proof. There's no proof.

[Mike Figgs]

She said that she's a backster. Did Karen get me a call? This is unbelievable. Karen, do you have like a little speaker that just says thank you so much.

[Zach Amico]

Can I also have a doll?

[Mike Figgs]

You're a doll.

[Zach Amico]

A little bit of cream in it. A little. Little bit of keto brands in it.

[Mike Figgs]

I love her.

[Zach Amico]

Love it.

[J]

To get pregnant with the help of physicians. Upon learning I was pregnant, I of course, was elated and all of my dreams were coming true. The moment you give birth and welcome your baby into the world is supposed to be this profound, beautiful and life altering experience.

[Boris Kaikin]

Question.

[Zach Amico]

This was a nightmare.

[Tristan Bowling]

Her also.

[Mike Figgs]

What's she talking about? Talk about the baby. And there's Guy.

[Tristan Bowling]

I mean, she is borderline the palest woman I've ever seen. She looks like porcelain. Like there's no.

[Boris Kaikin]

You put my baby in a Karen.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Literally yeah. He eating hummus. You don't like keywalk the hummus that look like dirt.

[Mike Figgs]

Give him dino nuggets. That's what he with.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. That's what he does.

[Mike Figgs]

That's what he be.

[J]

All of emotional and physical pain and sacrifice associated with pregnancy and preparing your entire life to welcome a child are worth it when the baby is placed in your arms where they should stay forever. My birth story is nothing like what anyone could ever anticipate. It is riddled with shock, confusion, fear.

[Boris Kaikin]

He doesn't know where to look.

[Tristan Bowling]

This guy.

[J]

The birth of my child was supposed to be.

[Boris Kaikin]

He's doing a Mr. Bean comedy act.

[J]

Moment of my life. And honestly, it was. But it was also.

[Tristan Bowling]

This won't shut up.

[Zach Amico]

The opening scene of Wicked. It was green. Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Unlimited.

[J]

The scariest moment of my life was.

[Tristan Bowling]

See the scariest moment.

[Zach Amico]

Take everything here.

[Tristan Bowling]

How do thugs get in the hospital?

[Boris Kaikin]

She cut the umbilical cord with that anti rape.

[Tristan Bowling]

Anti rape spell legs.

[J]

While my child was born healthy and he remains the most beautiful human I will ever lay eyes on a It was immediately apparent that something did not go to plan at the fertility well.

[Zach Amico]

He was spinning a basketball on his during the Harlem.

[Mike Figgs]

I was just about to say.

[Zach Amico]

It was immediately apparent.

[Tristan Bowling]

Why does the other team keep going up against them? They know they're going to lose every time.

[Mike Figgs]

His first words were in living color. What the hell's going on?

[J]

All of the love and joy I felt seeing him for the first time was immediately replaced by fear.

[Mike Figgs]

Yo.

[Zach Amico]

I am afraid of black people.

[Tristan Bowling]

And having one inside me for so long creeped me out.

[Zach Amico]

He didn't pay rent, obviously.

[J]

Yeah, this have happened. What happened? Was he genetically related to me at all? If he wasn't, could someone come and take him from me? Thoughts no mother should ever have to endure. My child was ultimately taken from me as the clinic had implanted into my womb. The embryo from a stranger. I've never felt so violated. And this situation has left me emotionally and physically broken. It has affected every aspect of my life in some way me and words could not, cannot describe the continued destruction that it has on my life. I spent my entire life wanting to be a mom. I loved, nurtured.

[Zach Amico]

I never wanted to be a moms.

[Boris Kaikin]

A mama. Dukes.

[Tristan Bowling]

Your moms.

[Zach Amico]

Moms. Moms. Give me that bottle.

[Tristan Bowling]

I knew he was black when he started crying. In rhythm with heart modest there.

[J]

And I would have done literally anything in my power to keep him.

[Zach Amico]

He sold his baby monitor.

[Tristan Bowling]

Just pawning it. Facebook marketplace guy showing up. Yeah, we Said this one just be.

[Zach Amico]

Like, yeah, you're good. You're good.

[J]

He doesn't have my blood. He doesn't have my eyes, but he is and will always be my son. To carry a baby, to fall in love with him, to deliver him. Him. To build that uniquely special bond between a mother and a child, all to have them taken away. I'll never be the same woman. I will never fully heal or completely move on.

[Zach Amico]

My family will never talk to me again.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[J]

Part of me will always long for my son.

[Mike Figgs]

Destroyed.

[Tristan Bowling]

I don't give a good blow job. I look like. I don't give a good nine. No one's.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. This is why nobody would get her pregnant, because she gives bad head.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[J]

Of person he's becoming. Coastal Fertility Clinic has hurt me in ways that I have yet to discover. And there are literally no words or unit of measure that can describe the damage.

[Boris Kaikin]

But we're going to say $50 million.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

This is all for. This is all to. To increase that money.

[Zach Amico]

More power to her. They up so badly.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's.

[Zach Amico]

That's crazy.

[Boris Kaikin]

And they should probably shut. Like, the whole point is probably to bankrupt them into sh.

[Zach Amico]

They're going to. That's it.

[Tristan Bowling]

What are the other families in on it?

[Zach Amico]

Sh. Do we know how much she's suing for? Does it say.

[Shannon]

It doesn't say in that article. I'm scanning through some of.

[Mike Figgs]

Like, she's got a. I would reach out to those people. Listen, let me see the baby. I'll give you $2 million. I just got 10 million.

[Zach Amico]

Like, by the way, you can buy that baby back from that black.

[Mike Figgs]

Wait, hold.

[Zach Amico]

What? How much now?

[Tristan Bowling]

I got $48 million and my black baby.

[Boris Kaikin]

They're probably suing, too.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, but they sued her. Oh, they sued her.

[Boris Kaikin]

Custody.

[Mike Figgs]

Custody.

[Zach Amico]

Well, they didn't sue her. They just. They said, you're gonna lose this in court. You're not gonna be able to keep this baby. Which I kind of get.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, no, they should probably.

[Mike Figgs]

How would you feel if you know that she's gonna get $10 million and you just got the baby?

[Zach Amico]

I just got a black baby. Oh, I got the end of this thing.

[Boris Kaikin]

We split the money, and we cut the baby in half, dude.

[Tristan Bowling]

I mean, like, rough Price is Right episode.

[Zach Amico]

I'm gonna give you the baby Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Take the baby Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday.

[Boris Kaikin]

Solomon.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, 17 years from now, when that kid's getting in trouble, dad walking to the guard being like, $48 million.

[Shannon]

$48 million. $75,000?

[Zach Amico]

Wait, what?

[Tristan Bowling]

What?

[Shannon]

75,000.

[Zach Amico]

She's suing for $75,000?

[Boris Kaikin]

No, that's crazy.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's insane.

[Zach Amico]

That's.

[Boris Kaikin]

That's just. That just pays for the treatments, basically.

[Mike Figgs]

That literally pays.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's your. That's your Buddy's come treatments.

[Mike Figgs]

100%.

[Boris Kaikin]

You know what it is? I. I read it.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Boris Kaikin]

It's very difficult to sue for. Like, I mean, in this case, it feels like she should, but it's more difficult than people realize to sue. Like, unless you have a price tag on all these things. You have to have.

[Zach Amico]

Like, this feels like this is. This is a ten million dollar lawsuit, minimum. Yeah, she needs a better lawyer than Mr. Bean. They need to get Boris Kaikin on the case.

[Boris Kaikin]

I'm on it. Unlicensed, but Jewish.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, that's crazy. $75,000. Just give it to her. Yeah, you're gonna sue. Like, all right, you know what? Take a hundred.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, that's wild. I'm surprised that lawyers.

[Zach Amico]

I paid that much for my album. Rowdy. That's insane.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, that's how much the secretary makes a year at the Coastal Clinic.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, also like 75.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, like, that's only three times what I pay Shannon.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Sounds like a brick falls off at Disneyland. You're good for life, dude.

[Mike Figgs]

You're good for life.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Good for life.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Sebastian airsoft for what?

[Mike Figgs]

Only $10,000, you're saying 75? Maybe. Blake, you're telling me this whole.

[Zach Amico]

If Sebastian was her lawyer, this whole.

[Tristan Bowling]

Thing is over black.

[Mike Figgs]

The music, the bass that was coming out of her vagina for nine months. Bass all day. She needs $10 million.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Do you know what a pregnancy craving.

[Mike Figgs]

I keep? My father had to go to Arby's at 2 o'clock in the morning.

[Tristan Bowling]

Would not.

[Mike Figgs]

What flavor is blue?

[Tristan Bowling]

She said blue.

[Zach Amico]

My.

[Mike Figgs]

My cabinets were filled with country time lemonade. You know how much I like fresh sque. You know how much in bulk that cost at BJ's?

[Tristan Bowling]

You know, wait, you know, I was a Costco member.

[Mike Figgs]

I had to go to Sam's club.

[Zach Amico]

$75,000 is crazy. They. She needs to sue for.

[Boris Kaikin]

I mean, that's crazy. That doesn't pay for legal fees.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, $1 million minimum.

[Tristan Bowling]

Jetta. That gets you one Jetta.

[Zach Amico]

This is after $10 million lawsuit. Yeah, minimum.

[Boris Kaikin]

No, the goal should be to bankrupt the fertility clinic.

[Zach Amico]

It's. I mean, she was. It's not even like. No, she was in like extreme. Like, she was raped. They say that the. The second most painful thing A human being can experience. Experience is raising a black. No, childbirth. It's childbirth.

[Mike Figgs]

That's the episode, guys.

[Zach Amico]

It's. The first thing is. Is being burned alive. The second is childbirth without an epidural.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, I get burned alive with an epidural. That's how.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, a big deal.

[Zach Amico]

There is, there's a. There's a moment where being burned alive, you do feel like you're a badass. You're like, I'm on fire.

[Boris Kaikin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Flame on back, Free Palestine.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, I. I've always wondered this. If you're freezing to death at like the top of a mountain and stuff like that, if you light yourself on fire, is there a moment where it's just like, nice and then like, too hot. Too hot. Too hot.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, there. There is two seconds of complete relief. You're like, oh, thank God.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But they also take off your jacket at one point. You stop feeling the pain. Right. Like your body goes into shock.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. It burns off all your nerve cells.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So you're just feeling like a badass.

[Mike Figgs]

What if you sue the company, but they don't have $10 million? So what if they would? Like, for example, they're like, they give.

[Tristan Bowling]

You someone else's black baby.

[Zach Amico]

I believe they would. They would go.

[Boris Kaikin]

They have insurance. If they're, if they're a company, they would have insurance.

[Zach Amico]

They have insurance, but the insurance only covers them to a certain amount. They would go bankrupt and you would just probably never get the rest of it. It's a company, it's a corporation, so it counts as its own thing.

[Mike Figgs]

It's crazy, cuz the kid is. The black family's, everybody's. They could all sue this.

[Boris Kaikin]

Well, you know, they got their. The black family has their baby back. The mom didn't have to go through childbirth and had somebody else do all that.

[Zach Amico]

The baby was raised by people for the most formative months of his life. This baby's gonna do wonderful things.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Like first five months with a baby, that's tough.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, right?

[Boris Kaikin]

Got that white titty milk.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, white. Good. White titty milk.

[Tristan Bowling]

This grows up. Loves white women.

[Boris Kaikin]

Doesn't know why.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, that's pretty.

[Mike Figgs]

Travis Scott is good, but Sabrina Carpenter. Come on now.

[Tristan Bowling]

Come on, man.

[Mike Figgs]

Come on now.

[Tristan Bowling]

Come on, man. I love Jack White.

[Mike Figgs]

I just want to read a book.

[Boris Kaikin]

I gotta suck on that white titty.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Boris Kaikin]

Hip Hypnotized.

[Mike Figgs]

I want to watch Severance.

[Zach Amico]

Let's see. Let's do one more of these stories before we get out of here. Fun show. Fun show. So far, guys, Very funny. Very silly.

[Boris Kaikin]

A brutal story.

[Tristan Bowling]

Brutal. Brutal.

[Zach Amico]

Crazy. Brutus.

[Tristan Bowling]

Dude, your wrestling name would be so sick.

[Zach Amico]

Brutal. Boris.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah, Boris.

[Zach Amico]

Brutal. The Boris Beefcake.

[Mike Figgs]

That's pretty good.

[Zach Amico]

Let's see. Stepdad claims he couldn't have sexually abused a teen because his genitals are too small. I love.

[Mike Figgs]

Come on. I mean, we could just send the show right there.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. What is that? How is that a defense?

[Shannon]

So this guy tried to throw a bunch of stuff at the wall, kind of. But this, this 19 year old girl came forward. She said that her stepdad, who's 44, was abusing her for the past four years.

[Zach Amico]

Toy, not toy.

[Shannon]

Also her mother.

[Zach Amico]

Two years is toy.

[Shannon]

Her mother also took part in it.

[Boris Kaikin]

Depends on the state.

[Zach Amico]

Toy again. Hold on. We're back to toy.

[Tristan Bowling]

Bringing it back.

[Mike Figgs]

Are you just reading my Reddit? Feed it to me.

[Shannon]

So he claimed that he's too.

[Boris Kaikin]

Wow.

[Mike Figgs]

Great job, Shannon.

[Zach Amico]

Slow the story down a little bit. Make it a little sexier.

[Mike Figgs]

Doing a sexy voice. Emphasize genitals for me.

[Shannon]

So he said it was impossible for him to sexually abuse his teenage stepdaughter because he's quote, too fat and his genitals are too tiny. Also claimed he was secretly gay, meaning he'd be disinterested in his stepdaughter.

[Mike Figgs]

Is this guy co hosting less right?

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. I was about to say I love his defense. I'm a fat gay retard. I'm sorry.

[Boris Kaikin]

I mean, I kind of believe it.

[Zach Amico]

Look at him.

[Tristan Bowling]

I can't bless nobody. My ding dong don't work.

[Mike Figgs]

I couldn't even line up my goatee properly.

[Zach Amico]

And you know what? I'm gay. And I'm gay, by the way.

[Tristan Bowling]

Imagine that small.

[Zach Amico]

And I'm gay. Case closed. Let me out.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, let me out.

[Tristan Bowling]

I'm a small dick gay guy.

[Zach Amico]

Come on.

[Mike Figgs]

I just want to walk Yellowstone in peace. Come on.

[Zach Amico]

So that's his whole defense, but he's in jail right now.

[Shannon]

Yeah. Yeah. So he got convicted. Also his wife got convicted. Who was the. The girl's biological mother. And this is the woman.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, but what she.

[Mike Figgs]

What did she convicted.

[Zach Amico]

What did she do?

[Shannon]

Aggravated incest.

[Zach Amico]

Aggravated incest.

[Tristan Bowling]

She would also not a casual creeps.

[Mike Figgs]

They both look like creeps.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah. Aggravated incest is nuts.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's aggravating.

[Tristan Bowling]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's really. I hate you molest me.

[Mike Figgs]

I don't want to you but 2am.

[Zach Amico]

I just. I just fell asleep.

[Tristan Bowling]

Oh, fine. You're my sister and I'll you all right.

[Boris Kaikin]

I'm gonna have a real attitude about.

[Shannon]

It though, he was sentenced to 80 years to life. And she was sentenced to four years to life.

[Zach Amico]

First of all, and this can't. Can only get $75,000. This guy got 80 years in fucking.

[Tristan Bowling]

Jail for having a small dick.

[Mike Figgs]

A little bit fat with a little dick. Every time.

[Zach Amico]

I'll say, look, it's obviously wrong to molest your daughter. 80 years, a little bit overkill. I mean, what are we doing here?

[Tristan Bowling]

Your honor, he showed me his cock and it's a.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I mean, you know, obviously, like, it's terrible. Do not molest your stepdaughter. But it's a great porn category. Yeah, that's. I. I have gotten into stepdaughter so bad. I have lately. Stepdaughter porn. Yeah, it's pretty sick. Well, you know, I don't have a stepdaughter, so.

[Boris Kaikin]

You really follow the narrative.

[Tristan Bowling]

You could.

[Zach Amico]

I could, yeah.

[Tristan Bowling]

You potentially.

[Zach Amico]

I gotta find some with a hot. A daughter.

[Tristan Bowling]

That's pretty cool. Dude. Do the. Do the old Woody Harelson or. Who was that Woody Allen thing. Yeah, yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

But she was Asian though, so that makes sense. It's kind of hot.

[Boris Kaikin]

And she wasn't a stepdaughter. Right. She was an adopted daughter. Well, he did step on, I guess step and adopted.

[Tristan Bowling]

And like you said, there's a stepdon daughter.

[Mike Figgs]

Dude, who called the cops in this situation? The kid.

[Shannon]

The girl. The girl came forward at 19 years old.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon]

And it said that the. The wife or the mother, that she played an instrumental role in preserving evidence.

[Tristan Bowling]

Play the banjo.

[Shannon]

That she was.

[Boris Kaikin]

Swallowed the evidence.

[Tristan Bowling]

Watching my biological daughter get. You gotta lift up his stomach to get a small pee pee.

[Zach Amico]

Baby.

[Tristan Bowling]

We know that doing this for a long time.

[Mike Figgs]

All right.

[Tristan Bowling]

Give her a good time and a long time. All right. I just imagine her sitting on a barrel.

[Mike Figgs]

Overall, TV dinners are almost ready, baby. Come on now.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we're done. This is fun. This is my last show before Jamaica. Very excited. I worked, I came, I saw. I'm going bowling tonight. I'm having some Cuban food, but I'm leaving at 6 in the morning. I'm very excited, guys.

[Boris Kaikin]

Lock your windows.

[Zach Amico]

You guys are the best. Thank you guys for watching Lewis and Zach. Zach will be back on Friday. Thank you, Figs, for filling in this whole week. You're the man. We love my like Figs.

[Mike Figgs]

Thank you, baby.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, you guys are the support. Boris and Tristan and everything that they do. And we will be back on Friday with another Lewis and Zach. Good night.