0047. Derek Drescher

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo – Episode 47

Guest: Derek Drescher
Date: September 26, 2025
Network: GaS Digital Network

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Overview

This wild edition of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo takes listeners through a mash-up of unfiltered comedy, bizarre news, and candid personal convos. Zac and fellow comedian (and ex-junkie) Derek Drescher bring their signature twisted charm to topics ranging from ice cream politics and viral violence, to psychiatric confessions, drugs, and chaotic fast-food fights.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Birthday Recap & Introductions

• Zac kicks off, acknowledging his recent birthday mayhem and the “piggish” after-hours scene at GaS.
• Derek jokes, “I would have relapsed if I came out for your birthday” (01:42).

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2. Ben & Jerry's Breakup: Political Ice Cream Meltdown (04:20-12:24)

• The “greatest couple of all time” splitting up – turns out to be Ben & Jerry’s.
• [05:00] Producer Shannon reveals: Jerry quit over corporate censorship of his political activism (Trump, Israel, Gaza), while Ben stayed to keep fighting from within.
• Zac reminisces on touring the B&J Factory as a kid, and favorite flavors (“I’m a half baked guy” – 06:47).
• Comedy riff on Ben & Jerry’s political flavors: “Pecan Resist,” “Empower-Mint,” “I Dough, I Dough”…
• Speculates whether they’re a gay couple, and classic “old man” ice cream flavors (Rum Raisin, Butter Pecan).
• Zac: “Imagine working with someone for 47 years…” (08:52)
• Derek: “If they're gay, I'm not mad at it anymore. That’s where I'm at right now.” (09:20)
• Consumer fail: Zac’s Amazon-knockoff B&J gift container was too small for the actual pint (09:45).

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3. King Charles’s Bodyguard Has…Fake Arms? (12:24-15:10)

• Viral video sparks conspiracy theories: Is the King’s bodyguard hiding real arms (and weapons) under a raincoat with fake hands out as a decoy?
• Zac and Derek riff on British cops not normally carrying guns, so perhaps the arms are “just a distraction.”
• “Those are not his real hands!” – Derek (13:53)
• Plays off British gun control laws and jokes about what the guard’s real hands might be up to instead.

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4. Charlie Kirk’s Assassination and the Weirdness of Viral Death (16:32-24:39)

• Both were disturbed by seeing the viral shooting footage (“Wish I didn’t see it”; “I didn’t get to take my nap after that” – Derek, 16:34 & 17:01).
• Zac reflects: “Did not occur to me till hours in — oh fuck, what if that was Dave?” (16:48)
• Recaps the over-the-top Kirk memorial—a full arena with pyro, Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be an American,” and Trump eulogizing like a WWE event (19:01).
• Chat about how immediate death from catastrophic injury is often “painless,” with Derek sharing his own near-death/OD memory: “I didn't see a light. It was just a tunnel with light around it, but the tunnel was still dark…then I was just back in my body” (23:29).

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5. Drugs, Addiction & Mental Health Straight Talk (23:53-38:08)

Addiction Narratives

• Derek shares using narcan as an EMT and at a homeless shelter, bookended with “ruining people’s highs” and being attacked by resuscitated addicts (24:03).
• “It rips the opiates right off the receptor” – Derek describing Narcan (24:31).

CBT & The Comedy of Sleep Problems

• Matthew McConaughey’s “marriage secret” of a queen-sized bed gets roasted as nonsense: “As a big fat person married to another person of size, that is a lie” – Zac (26:27).

• Stories of active sleeping: Zac’s wife’s “preposterous” sleeping style, Zac repeatedly falling out of bed, and screaming or physically thrashing in sleep (29:28, 33:10).

• Derek describes CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for sleep: “You’re only gonna sleep five hours a night…gonna keep me there until I come to terms with not getting 7-8 hours” (31:30).

• Both discuss psychiatric meds, therapy routines, and the often taboo world of intrusive thoughts.

  Notable Quote:
  Zac: “Mine was also…intrusive thoughts. If I had a knife…my thought would be, ‘I’m gonna stab myself or stab the cat.’ It’s not that I wanted to—it would just bounce in your head.” (36:39)
  Derek: “You saying that makes me more comfortable talking about mine.” (37:39)

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6. Celebrity Chaos (25:01–56:35)

Charlie Sheen’s Drug Tales

• Fresh headline: Sheen allegedly got cut off by the Mexican cartel…for buying too much blow.
• Shannon provides the real story: his dealer “watered down the product” as harm reduction; Derek calls BS—“He was just ripping Charlie Sheen off!” (39:14-39:24).

Priscilla Presley Exposé

• Priscilla on abortion, Elvis “forcing himself” (in “karate master” fashion!), and never trusting Michael Jackson.

• Panel mocks Elvis’s infamous “karate moves” and his odd request to become a federal narcotics agent (Drug badge from Nixon), plus weird tales from Elvis and MJ’s family trees.

  Notable Quotes:
  Shannon (on Elvis): “He like, forced himself on her in the way that a karate guy would do it.” (44:33)
  Zac: “Karate rape was not on the docket in my head.” (44:55)

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7. Psychiatric Vulnerability: “The Stuff I Don’t Tell Anyone” (36:01–38:08)

• Zac: “I got diagnosed OCD…but the Zoloft has helped. If you don’t love cumming, love Zoloft.” (36:08)
• Derek: “If I told my psych what I say to my cat, I’d be so embarrassed.” (36:14)
• Both reflect on the liberating power of talking out loud: “Even the happiest person should have an hour with a doc once a month” (38:06).

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8. Booze on the Road & “Road Sappy Gay Energy” (49:25–53:08)

• Candid stories about struggles moderating alcohol:
  • Zac swaps booze for Liquid Death to reduce temptation.
  • Derek describes the deceiving comfort of keeping beer “just in case”—leading straight back to relapsing.

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9. Viral Fast Food Brawl (61:44–66:13)

• Segment closes with analysis of a mob incident at Chicago’s Fatburger (“That is certainly a mob of teens…” – Zac, 62:20).

• Panel jokes about preferred counter-defense weapons for fast food workers: baton, extendable baton, kendo stick, “or a baseball bat with a sock on it for home defense.” (65:47)

  Notable Final Quote:
  Zac: “If you cross the counter, anything that happens to you is on you.” (64:02)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Ben & Jerry’s Split:
  “I would have relapsed if I came out for your birthday.” — Derek (01:42)
  “It's essentially mint chocolate chip, but you distribute the chocolate yourself.” — Zac (07:16)

• On the King Charles Bodyguard:
  “Those are not his real hands!” — Derek (13:53)

• On Viral Violence:
  “Wish I didn’t see it, and I didn’t get to take my nap.” — Derek (16:34 & 17:01)

• On Mental Health:
  “If I told my psych what I say to my cat…” — Derek (36:14)
  “You saying that makes me more comfortable with it now.” — Derek (37:42)

• On Priscilla Presley/Elvis:
  “He forced himself on her in the way he imagined a karate master doing it.” — Shannon (44:33)
  “Karate rape was not on the docket in my head.” — Zac (44:55)

• On Booze & Addiction:
  “Will you drink a couple days in a row?” — Derek
  “Yeah, oh yeah, no I like booze. And I actually—because I’m nervous about how much I’ve been drinking again….” — Zac (49:44-50:07)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [04:20] – Ben & Jerry’s political breakup, ice cream nostalgia
• [12:24] – King Charles bodyguard/fake arms conspiracy
• [16:32] – Charlie Kirk assassination, funeral spectacle
• [23:53] – Narcan, addiction stories, sleep therapy, intrusive thoughts
• [39:14] – Charlie Sheen’s cartel cocaine saga
• [44:33] – Priscilla Presley’s tell-all: abortion, Elvis “karate rape,” MJ suspicions
• [49:25] – Boozing on the road, addiction coping tricks
• [61:44] – Fatburger mob brawl/wild fast food defense riff

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Conclusion

Episode 47 serves up a full helping of chaos: celebrity scandals, oddball viral news, and serious but hilarious takes on mental health and addiction. Zac and Derek’s raw candor and unflinching humor keep the Zoo uncomfortably honest—and outrageously entertaining—from the first “piggy” birthday recap to the final “bat behind the counter” strategy talk.

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Next up: “See you this Wednesday here on the Morning Zoo. Goodbye.”

Transcript

[A]

Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go Zach Amico's got a show Animals are here to play Choke some guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join the cre It's a Miko morning too well, hello, hello, hello. It's a Monday. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zack Amico. Welcome you to Zak Amico's morning zoo here on the prestigious gas digital network. 38 and feeling okay at best. It was quite the weekend. Thank you to my good friends here at the Gas Digital Network and comedy that had quite the evening with me Saturday on my birthday. You know who you are, and I won't name you because that would be incriminating. Across the table from me, someone who's been incriminated a few times, but a sweet boy, a very funny comic and a great friend. It's Derek Drescher. How you doing today, buddy?

[B]

Thanks for having me, brother.

[A]

How's you?

[B]

Me? I mean, we'll get into it.

[A]

Yeah, well, yeah, it's okay.

[B]

It was your birthday.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Happy birthday, bro.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I was so focused on my own.

[A]

No worries.

[B]

I wish I would have. I would have relapsed. Would you?

[A]

Oh, buddy, you would have. I would shout out. Thank you, Ralph, for letting us hang out here. It was piggish.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I had an early night Saturday too. I wish I should have came.

[A]

It was gross. Thank you so much for being here, dog. Great to have you. Let's get plugs right out the way.

[B]

We.

[A]

Jorge, hit that beautiful plug music. What do you want people to check out, Bob?

[B]

I want people to check out on the gay podcast. Check out on the Gate podcast. Use code otg. I think you get like a week or free or two or something like that. That's me and Gio Perez, two reformed junkies who are now jokesters. All right, check out the on the Gate podcast and then, you know, if you want to see me live, you could just look at the link in my Instagram at Derek Drescher.

[A]

Fantastic. If you guys want to see me, check out my Instagram at Zach is not funny. And also punch up that live Zach. Miko, I'm gonna be on the road all weekend. And that is September 25th in Ocean Springs, then Mobile, Alabama on the 26th, the 27th, Hattiesburg, and the 28th, Pensacola, Florida. And those are all co headlining dates. That's right. It is me and Zach Holmes, AKA Zach Ass. And it will be Too Fat, Too Furious, Two Zachs. It's gonna be comedy, maybe some stunts, maybe some kissing. We don't know. But we are ready to find out what this show is going to be. And if those do okay, hopefully we're going to be torn. So we'll find out how that goes. And just confirmed yesterday, haven't told anybody yet. I'm back in Juggalo Championship Wrestling after a little bit of a hiatus. And I will be on the road with them the end of October, including Devil's Night and Halloween. Whoops. Whoop. And if you love the show, and I know you do, head on over to gas digital.com today. The new Gas Digital. We're still working on it. It's still getting better and better. Use that promo code. Zoo. What do you get? You get a little bit of money off your subscription every month. Get episodes early ad free and uncensored. You get access to the archives, thousands of episodes of all your favorite guest digital shows over the years. You get access to the live chat, and most importantly, we do three of these suckers a week only to go out for free. So if you want that third episode, that illustrious Friday bonus show, you're gonna need to sign up. And thank you so much if you do. And no matter how you consume the program, I really appreciate you. Thank you very much. All right, let's get back. There's trouble afoot in the world. And if there's one person that's gonna be able to talk about it, it's me.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

The greatest couple of all time has broken up. I'm very upset. I'm heartbroken.

[B]

What? Ben, this can't be your first. The first. Not the notch on the. On the belt here today. That's the first bullet point.

[A]

Ben and Jerry.

[B]

Oh, God. Fuck. Ben and Jerry, Dude.

[A]

Jerry has left. Ben and Jerry, they're still alive? I guess so.

[B]

So it's just Ben's.

[A]

It's. I don't know what it's going to be. Shannon, fill us in, baby.

[B]

Yeah, Shannon. You fucking did this on purpose.

[A]

No, I put that there.

[B]

You did. You motherfucker.

[A]

I didn't know. I swear to God. It was the ice cream there. It's the ice cream.

[C]

So basically, you know, Ben and Jerry's has been pretty open about their political views over the past 47 years that they've had this company. And Jerry, it was kind of pissed off that like their overarching company, Unil, Unilever, Unilever, they were kind of trying to silence Jerry. In particular, he wanted to be more vocal about talking about Trump, Israel, Gaza, and it pissed off Unilever. And that's why he stepped away. And Ben decided to stay because he still wants to fight to, like, see if he can get himself heard.

[B]

Wait, so Jerry is a liberal or a conservative?

[A]

Oh, they're very, very. They're Vermont liberals. Oh, hardcore Vermont liberals. Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I toured the Ben and Jerry's factory when I was a kid.

[B]

They wanted.

[A]

I really did. I really did. That was a vacation I took with my family. We went to Vermont, my whole family. And one of the things we did was the Ben and Jerry's factory.

[B]

Do they give you, like, free samples?

[A]

I think they give you a little. They give you, like, the little ones.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But it was cool.

[B]

So they're bleeding heart Vermont liberals.

[A]

Yeah. And they said that their parent company, Unilever, I believe it's called, is asking them to please stop with the constant political stuff.

[B]

Is that. That's like their distribution company, I would.

[A]

Imagine, whoever acquired them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because they're still. I think it's one of those things where they're the figureheads but not necessarily making.

[B]

They sit on the board and all that.

[A]

Yeah, that kind of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I will say, hard to argue. Maybe the best ice cream.

[B]

Ben and Jerry's is very good. Expensive as, but good. I mean, when I. When I was someone, I used to do. Damn. I used Cherry Garcia when I was. When I was getting high. It was. It was like perfect. It was. Right amount of sugar. The taste was good.

[A]

You got your fruit in.

[B]

Got your fruit in. You know? Yeah, I love that one.

[A]

I'm a half baked guy.

[B]

Which one's that?

[A]

Heck, Shan, bring up half baked. It's like a cookie dough plus other shit.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

They also make peanut butter half baked.

[B]

I've seen it.

[A]

And then my current favorite. This is very divisive. I don't know if you like mint ice cream.

[B]

I do.

[A]

Big fan. They make something called thick mint.

[B]

Big chunks of chocolate in it.

[A]

No, the whole top is chocolate ganache.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And you have to break through it.

[B]

To get to the ice cream.

[A]

Get to the ice cream. So you get. It's essentially mint chocolate chip, but you distribute the chocolate yourself.

[B]

That's pretty dope.

[A]

And it is a good piece of business.

[B]

So now it's just Ben. No, Jerry. But Ben is not as vocal as Jerry.

[A]

I think Ben's trying to work with them and say, hey, it's for the. For the better cause. I will not be as loud, but we can continue to do it.

[B]

I mean, what do they want to do? Like Free Palestine pistachio or something like that? I.

[A]

This is a Tim Della. I can't. Tim Dell had a joke once. He wanted. They wanted to do s', mores, Floyd. But yeah, no, they've been pretty vocal. Can you look up some of the more political themed flavors they've done?

[C]

They have a Kamala's. Kamala's Coconut Jubilee Jew, though.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

Churn out the vote. Pecan resist.

[B]

Wait, they have those flavors?

[C]

Yeah. Empowerment. I dough. I dough.

[B]

Oh, I do. I do like gay marriage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are Ben and Jerry gay?

[B]

Are they gay together?

[A]

I. Part of me always assumed they were a gay couple.

[B]

So the thing with me now, where I'm at in my life, like, I. I know I usually would be like, push. Like, I push back on, like, gay marriage and stuff like that.

[A]

That's what they told you to do in prison. Push back.

[B]

It'll be over before you know it.

[C]

They not gay.

[B]

They're not gay. I don't believe that. I think they are. And they should just accept. They should just accept who they are with each other.

[A]

I mean, also, I get. Imagine having to fucking work with somebody for 47 years.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it seems like they don't have any issues with each other. I mean, Jerry probably feels a little upset.

[A]

Oh, I'm sure they're.

[B]

You're not leaving too.

[A]

I'm sure they're. I'm sure they've had some fucking blowout.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

I'm sure there's been some fucking things thrown. I'm sure there's been some fuck you phone calls.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. But like, I. If they're gay, I think they should just, you know, I'm not mad at it anymore. That where I'm at right now. That's what I'm saying. I'm not.

[A]

No.

[B]

When I get. When I feel like this, I become more accepted.

[A]

By the way, Shannon, I'm so pissed. Remember I told you I got Mrs. Amico the Highland cow? That's supposed to be a Ben and Jerry's container.

[B]

It wasn't.

[A]

So it literally says four Ben and Jerry's pints. It's a cup of, uh huh. That's supposed to keep it cold. And then it's got two spoons and a handle so you don't have to get your hands cold. Yeah, the fucking pint doesn't fit in it.

[B]

It's too small.

[A]

It's too small. They fucked me. See in that. Brilliant.

[B]

And it's not like that.

[A]

Whatever I got on Amazon. Fucking. It does. The pint doesn't go in.

[B]

You think you got a knockoff one by.

[A]

I think I got a knockoff one by accident. Fucking dummy.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Absolutely. Furious. I was proud of that gift.

[B]

They'll get you sometimes.

[A]

So proud of that gift. Shannon. Was there any more political flavors? Can we. Can we go to the full flavor? Because they also have one of the things they had at the factory. They have like a graveyard of all the old flavors. Can we look at that?

[B]

That's pretty cool.

[A]

I would love to see that. Yeah. Because I do. I do that. I do the half baked Mrs. Amigos. Big on chubby. Hubby. Obviously.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the. Is that the banana one? Chubby.

[B]

Where I'm at, dude, I. I haven't. I've been trying to eat healthy, but like, this is making me want to down a couple pints.

[A]

Aloha. Macadamia. Sounds like a nightmare.

[B]

Cool Britannia.

[A]

Yeah. A lot of. A lot of these. I get creme brulee. Get out of here.

[B]

Yeah. Ethan Almond.

[A]

Holy cannoli. I could get behind. Oh.

[B]

Oh. Pair. No way.

[A]

Get out of my pear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Suck my dick.

[B]

Georgia peach, too. Fuck that.

[A]

I can see it for a certain. That sounds like old people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I feel like there's certain ice creams that I always thought were for old people. Like rum raisin. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Butter pecan. I found. I like now though, I also have. So my dad always ate the rum raisin when I was a kid and I always thought it was gross. But now as I'm an adult, I realized I think he just wanted something that was his.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. That nobody else wanted.

[A]

Because now as a grown up, there's certain snacks I really like. And it's because I know I can leave them in the house and come home to them. That's like salt and vinegar. Chips is mine.

[B]

Yeah. Bugles for me. No one ever fucking touches the Bugle.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I think maybe he just wanted something.

[B]

I got that from my dad also because I couldn't have him when I was kidding. All these are mine? Yeah. You have your other stuff. And then once I was older, old enough, start buying my. I'd buy Bugles.

[A]

So I thought regular Bugles or the salt. The salt and vinegar.

[B]

No, regular Bugles. Regular Bugles.

[A]

You put them on your fingers.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

To be a witch. Yeah.

[B]

Put on my fingers. I put the pointy side of my ears, all that.

[A]

All right, well, I guess it was just Jerry's. Is just Jerry's.

[B]

Is it Ben who left Ben or Jerry? Jerry. Right.

[A]

Jerry's leaving. So I guess it would just be Ben.

[B]

Ben's ice cream.

[A]

Yeah. But still, it's the bang for your buck. I know it's a little more expensive, but it is the best.

[B]

Ben and Jerry's. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[A]

All right. We're going to keep it moving. I don't know if you saw this, and I would love your opinion. Does King Charles's bodyguard wear fake arms? Take a look at this. The people listening. This is King Charles meeting people. He's got a bodyguard behind him who. What would appear.

[B]

I feel like his arms.

[A]

Fake arms.

[B]

I feel like his arms are. His hands are on actual guns.

[A]

That. So that's what people are saying, that he's got a gun out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ready to roll, Ready to pop. And those arms are just a distraction.

[B]

Yeah. It might be two guns ready to roll.

[A]

I wouldn't be surprised. What did the comments say, Shannon?

[C]

They all do. Real arm, hand is on a forearm, ready to go. It's hard to argue.

[A]

Firearm.

[C]

Forearm. It says warm.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

They don't have the right to bear arms over there.

[A]

Oh, maybe that's why he can't have the gun. Maybe you can't have a gun like a.

[B]

On the hip. Yeah. The cops don't even have him.

[A]

So you think that's because he can't have a gun on his hip. He has to have a hidden.

[B]

I mean, I would. I would assume maybe. Yeah. But he definitely. Those. I don't think those are his real hands.

[A]

No, not at all. Shannon. Jorge, your thoughts?

[C]

I thought this was really dumb until that part. Until realizing that most cops don't even carry them, so I guess that would make sense.

[A]

I gotta let you know, I did not think about them not having guns.

[B]

Over there, but if I was his bodyguard, like, I don't think I had my hand on the gun the whole time. I think I'd be like, you know, playing with my balls or something.

[A]

Yeah. Something playing with my nipples. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't even think of the. Because the. With his. I'm sure at a certain level of clearance, you can have a gun.

[C]

Says only specialized officers are highly trained, authorized firearm officers. AFOs are the only ones that are allowed to carry.

[B]

He's definitely one of those.

[A]

Yeah. And I would assume he's got the gun on him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I would. I would even Assume it's out. Finger ready to go.

[B]

I mean, he had on like a raincoat, right?

[A]

Yeah. Bring it back up.

[B]

Like a London fog on. Right.

[A]

It looks like a. Yeah, not a blazer. Yeah. Like a raincoat.

[B]

Yeah, like a London foggy type.

[A]

Yeah. There's no way that his hands are that still.

[B]

Yeah, his hands are on two pistols right now as we speak.

[A]

That's a.

[B]

He definitely has arms. They're just not there.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying he has. It would be a pretty bad security guard.

[B]

No arms.

[A]

Have an armed. A. No armed guy. Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our good friends at Small Back Cigar. Simple, fast, small batch. Hey, if you're a person of class and elegance, it's nice to have nice things when people come and visit you. Like a fine cheese selection, fine wine or great cigars. And there's a great site for you to get great cigars and that's small batch of cigar. They have free shipping on every order with almost every order arriving within two to three days. In the continental United States, it's the most thorough packaging in the industry, includes the Boveda pack. So it comes super fresh. They have an amazing selection of rare, limited and hard to find cigars. And you earn 5% rewards points instantly with your purchase. So visit smallbatch cigar.com today and most people click on the new button to shop the latest arrivals. So if you use our discount code GAS10, that's G A S or 1 0, you get 10% off plus those 5% rewards points@smallbatch cigar.com simple, fast, small batch. Let's get back into the show. Wild shit. Did you see. And once again, I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way. No, I know shape or form of Charlie Kirk dying.

[B]

Yeah, I saw it. I wish I didn't see it.

[A]

I wish I didn't see it. And I've. I said this the other day when we were at Lewis that I'm really glad I was not broadcasting within a few hours of it because I probably would have said something I really regretted.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because it did not occur to me until a few hours in. I was like, oh, fuck, what if that was Dave?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And how much that would affect me.

[B]

Yep. Also the guy's wife and kids were right there.

[A]

So I think that would have been. I would have said something ignorant and I'm really glad I didn't.

[B]

What really fucked me up about it is there I just saw. I was about to take A nap and I'm in a group.

[A]

So is he.

[B]

He took, he took the, he's taking the best nap right now. Nothing to worry about anymore. But I was, I'm in a group chat with Lev and a couple other guys and you know, they, he sends a link. You know, when your friends send the link, you click on it and sometimes it's something educational. Sometimes it's a Cocking balls or.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The guy sucking another guy off. And it just so happened I click on it and it was the side angle. It was a really good angle for what it was. But I was like, I just. And every. And seeing everybody who's like, who was like, yeah, like that. Did you. Who gives a. Like, I, I, I can tell. They're like people who've never seen violence before or. And like, who don't like, they're numb to it because they see it so much on Instagram and tick tock. Like sometimes I'll be scrolling and stuff. I see like. Turns my stomach.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Like I've seen like people's insides on the sidewalk before. You know what I mean? So like I, I wish I didn't see it and I didn't get to take my nap.

[A]

It's funny that you, you say that. It's. It's. When I was a kid, I always thought I talked about my dad again. He, when we watched Misery, he threw up.

[B]

When she was breaking his ankles.

[A]

Yeah. When she broke the ankle with the.

[B]

With the, with the block.

[A]

And my dad puked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because. And then I was as an adult, I'm like, oh yeah. My dad's been on job sites where he's seen injuries like that.

[B]

Guys legs snap and like that.

[A]

So it's much more visceral. Anyways, what I was gonna say is not to be despicable at all. Man. That memorial is weird as.

[B]

There's a Charlie Kirk Memorial.

[A]

There's a memorial. His. Dude. It's. Where is it? It was a big like arena.

[B]

Oh, they did it not. They didn't build a statue yet. They did like, yeah.

[A]

And his wife can't. Somebody's like, why is wife coming out like she's fucking Cody Rhodes.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Pyro.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And then Trump comes out with the actual Lee Greenwood. I believe I could be wrong. Singing Proud to be an American full entrance.

[B]

I saw a video of that. I didn't know what it was from though.

[A]

And it was like, what timeline are we in? Yeah, that somebody's funeral has pyro.

[B]

It's crazy. That's Nuts, dude, I gotta watch it.

[A]

It's so. Shannon, could you. Yeah. And again, this is not just.

[B]

Did she cry?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

All right. Okay. So at least she was emotional and everything. This wasn't like all pop and shine for her.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. She wasn't hitting poses or anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But still, it's a very weird.

[B]

Like, that's Trump for you. Very great. Oh, it is very grandiose send off, you know.

[A]

Yeah, it is very. And then also he announces that he's going to have a press conference. I think today or tomorrow. Shannon, it's going to be me, Bobby, Oz, all the great ones. We have found the cause of autism.

[B]

Today there's a press conference for that.

[A]

He says that he is going to announce.

[B]

That's good because that's Half the comics in New York are done. Hopefully it's like X Men where they could shoot you with that cartridge.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Normal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. The roast battle scene takes a big hit today. But yeah, just. I mean, what a ballsy announcement. We're going to the thing no one's figured out.

[B]

I mean, you can't. Maybe for people who are like on the lower end of the spectrum, there might. There's probably some like CBT or.

[A]

No, I don't mean. I don't think he's announcing a cure. I think he's announcing what they think is causing it.

[C]

I read something about one of the things that he's supposed to say is that women taking Tylenol during pregnancy is really causing. Yeah. Autism. I don't know if that's the main thing he's going to say, but I.

[B]

Read that today, if he comes down.

[C]

Just as that, I have her coming out to the pyrotechnics.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Let's see this poor woman, man.

[A]

Yeah. Obviously it's a very horrible thing, but it is just wild. But yeah, you're right. You know, I didn't even put it together. You said it is very T dog. T Bird, as we've called them in the past.

[B]

Yeah. And they can't even see her.

[A]

Oh, man, the glass, the. The bulletproof glass Hurts my soul.

[B]

Yeah. We'll be performing like that one day.

[A]

Well, we did during co. There was a few clubs that had you in the Hannibal Lecter box. That's. Yeah, that's.

[B]

She was right there when he got shot too, right?

[A]

Was she?

[B]

I think she was.

[A]

I have no idea.

[B]

Shannon, can you confirm that or. No? I feel like she was right there.

[A]

I feel like I read an article that was like, how she found out oh, okay. So I, I, I, I honestly don't know. I don't know in either direction.

[B]

Have you read an article like that?

[C]

She was not there.

[B]

She was not there.

[C]

It says she detailed jumping on a plane immediately to rush to rush there.

[B]

I knew as soon as I saw that he was gone.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Everybody was like, I'll pray. I was, no, there's no praying, man. This is.

[A]

No, yeah, that was.

[B]

Pray that he gets to heaven. If you believe in it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But they. He's gone.

[A]

Yeah, they. I read one thing that was like, he must.

[B]

He had to be gone in less than a minute.

[A]

Oh, no. I read a do A doctor that said the way that injury is that he didn't even know me and Gio.

[B]

Got an argue about that. He's like, yeah, probably five, six minutes. I was like, no, bro, that's.

[A]

I.

[B]

He didn't feel a thing.

[A]

Yeah, I heard that. It was like almost like a instant. Yeah, it was gone. I think that that's a pretty.

[B]

I mean, I was.

[A]

And I think also, I'm sure your body goes into shock. Immediate. Yeah, shock. And you probably have so many crazy. Like, I think when people sometimes say that they saw a light or like this. Oh, it was in your ear. Engulfed by happiness and memories. I think sometimes that might be the chemicals in your body all coming out at once, releasing endorphins to kind of fight or, like, distract you from the pain from what's happening.

[B]

Yeah. When I OD'd, the only time I remember. One time. Well, one time when iod, but the, the real bad time, like, I. I didn't see a light, but like, when they. I guess when they brought me back to life, I felt like I went through, like, this tunnel with, like, light around it, but it was. The tunnel was still dark.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I was just back in my body.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I wasn't like, going up towards any light or anything like that.

[A]

You just saw a bunch of red guys with pitchfor.

[B]

Winged demons.

[A]

Yeah. You just saw.

[B]

I don't know, like, I don't know if it was the drugs or not, but I. I had OD'd before. Not as bad as that one. It took them two shots in Narcan to bring me back on that one. But o. Yeah, that was before the nasal spray.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever talk to an EMT about how much fun they have narcanic people? Because they'll be furious.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ivy, I've. When I. When I worked at the. The shelter on Marcus Garvey. Boulevard. That was basically what my job was. People would OD every night and then I would narcanum. Guys try to fight me and.

[A]

Well, most people puke. Right.

[B]

Talk about my mother. They puke and then they get upset. They get, they get.

[A]

Did you ruin their high?

[B]

Ruin their high because last thing they remember they were high or about to get high. And now they're not now because you just threw them into withdrawal. You know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, yeah. It is immediate. That sucks.

[B]

Yeah, it rips. It rips opiates right off the receptor.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, look, look. Look at us learning today.

[B]

That's what it do, baby.

[A]

Look at us learning.

[B]

I should do a podcast on just opiates.

[A]

Oh, dude, you get a co host named Anthony. Opiates and Anthony.

[B]

That's great idea. Maybe me and Gio should do a segment. Jorge take no opiates and Anthony.

[A]

Yeah, I think that'd be great.

[B]

We gotta start doing something like that Juice to show up a little bit.

[A]

All right, we got a lot of celebrity news today in classic morning zoo fashion. So we're going to go over some. A bunch of different celebrity things. Matthew McConaughey reveals the bedroom secret that helped his 13 year marriage. I mean, I don't know, maybe being the hottest guy in the world that was probably having washboard abs your entire time at 60. Yeah.

[B]

That accent.

[A]

Yeah. Being incredibly rich.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I am gonna take a wild guess and say it's going to be.

[B]

It's like it's lights out at 9:30.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's got to be something corny like that.

[A]

You know, Shannon Fellowson.

[C]

This is so stupid.

[A]

So.

[C]

And this is like rich people problems times a million. So he said that he was. So they got used to for a short period of time sleeping on a bed that was so big. Like a double king sized bed. And then like, you know, so the kids could get in and out, whatever. And then when the kids were old enough to get out, he was like, oh wow, my wife's all the way on the other side. This is crazy. And then so he moved over to a queen size bed so that they could be shoulder to shoulder. And that solved any marital issues.

[B]

That's so stupid. That's me and my girl had the queen size and it's done and we're broke up.

[A]

Yep. What a problem.

[B]

The $700 billion he has definitely helped.

[A]

I was gonna say, listen, as a big fat person married to another person of size, that is a lie.

[B]

No. That will ruin your relationship.

[A]

I would turn any Double king bed into a queen real quick. My wife has a giant, like, however big you're thinking, crank it up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My wife's ass is preposterous huge. And she sleeps sideways. And there are times where her head is on her pillow and her ass is touching the edge of my side of the bed. Really. And I have to get under it and slowly crank her over.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

And there's, and it's not intentional. She just sleeps like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it is. Yeah. I what I would get. And we have a king. I what I would give for one of the. Oh, baby. Oh, I would, I would be my favorite time. And I love my wife very much when she gets up at around 6:30 and I don't have to get up till 9:30. And those three hours where I get bliss where I, whereas I, I call it. I, you know the song. In the middle of the night, I go in the middle of the bed and I do the Homer Simpson cinnamon roll.

[B]

Do the cats come fucking join you?

[A]

I just got the one, boy.

[B]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[A]

And yeah, yeah, he, yeah, he joins.

[B]

He joins.

[A]

Yeah. So usually because she sleeps sideways like that, usually he's under her ass just keeping warm. Yeah. And like, well, it's where her legs would be if she slept straight.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then next to me. But then, yeah, usually when she's gone, he comes and takes one of the pillows next to me.

[B]

So you guys, if you guys shrank down to a queen divorce.

[A]

No, but it would be less good. It would be less, even less. So I am a very active sleeper.

[B]

Snoring.

[A]

Oh, no move. I, I, I thrash around, you throw punches.

[B]

And yeah, a lot of that.

[A]

I get up.

[B]

You remind me of my buddy Rick. My buddy Rick from Buffalo used to say, like, if he fell asleep on the couch, he would, he would stomp.

[A]

He would go, oh, I do all that.

[B]

And then once in a while he'd go, yep.

[A]

I yell, I wake up my wife and say, crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the school's on fire. Don't go in there.

[B]

I say, bad in my sleep too.

[A]

Recently when I shared a room with a bunch of wrestlers, they kept joking that I throw super kicks because I slap my leg and kick.

[B]

Get the fuck.

[A]

And they're like, you just throw super kicks all night. It was crazy. Yeah. For our relationship. My new thing that I've been doing and I think it's stress related, I sit up and I put my feet on the floor and then I'm half awake when I do that. However, the issue Is I fall back dead asleep.

[B]

Right. But straight back, forward. Oh, no.

[A]

And you know how a baby. You know how, like a baby falls?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where they don't know to protect their head. I fall like. It's like a dolphin trying to get back in the water. I hit the top of my head on the floor.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

And I wake up upside down like that.

[B]

Have you hurt yourself bad?

[A]

A bunch. It's part of. One of the things I'm in therapy for is because it used to be that I punched myself in the knee.

[B]

Do you go to CBT sleep therapy? No, I. I've been doing that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I've been doing that. I don't.

[A]

Wait, CBT or cbd?

[B]

Cbt. So cognitive behavioral therapy.

[A]

Okay. We live in very different worlds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because to me, CBT stands for and ball torture. And it's an S M. It is.

[B]

Kind of that, but for the mind.

[A]

Okay, tell me about it.

[B]

So it is kind of torture. So basically, like any cognitive behavior behavioral therapy is like, I. I did just straight, regular CBT back in the day, and it makes you change your thoughts on how you perceive your actions or your shortcomings.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like. Like, oh, I had a. I had an angry outburst today. The day is shot. Everything is ruined. I up. They. They try to teach you to, you know, take that. You know, you're a person, you make mistakes, and you still have the rest of the day to. So CBT sleep therapy. Because I've been having problem. I've been battled with sleep issues my whole life. And they just, like probably about three, four months ago, they came back bad. Sometimes I'm only getting an hour. Sometimes only getting 2 hours. Sucks. It's hard to operate on that. So basically what they try to help you change your thinking is to, all right, so you didn't get seven, eight hours. It doesn't mean the day is shot. And now what we're going to do is this is you're only going to sleep five hours a night, and you're going to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. So right now, my window to sleep and wake up is from 11pm to 4:45am and even if I go to bed at 1am I have to get up at 4:45am okay. And so that is. They're going to keep me there for a while until I can come to the, you know, come to terms with like, my. I'm not ruined if I didn't get a seven, eight hours.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But basically, that structure will help me get to seven, eight hours a night.

[A]

What the do you do at 4:45 in the morning you have to do.

[B]

Yeah, no, I do, I do. But I mean I still work. I'm not a full time comic or I don't get paid.

[A]

Yeah, I forget.

[B]

I don't make enough money.

[A]

What are you retired? Just waking up?

[B]

No, see at 4:45am I get up, I have coffee and then there's some places I have to be at 5:30, some places I have to be at six, three, three times a week. But Tuesday and Thursday, she wants me to do that too.

[A]

Okay. So she's like, so you just get on a regular thing.

[B]

And I've been struggling with it.

[A]

So I think that's one of my issues is sometimes I'm in bed at 10 with my wife and sometimes I'm in bed at 4.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And I just can't find a groove.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But yeah, those, those are the nights that I'm real bad. I wake up on the floor like fucked up.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

Or like I'll bet I. My real issues now is I have to avoid beds that are high, high up.

[B]

That's a long, that's a bigger fall.

[A]

And when I sleep at my sister in law's, their bed's super high up and it's a hardwood floor underneath it. And I fell asleep and then I woke up to halfway through the fall, which is a terrifying. You know when you have those nightmares and you wake up and you feel like you're falling?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now imagine you are and I fucking cracked my kneecap on a hardwood floor. Fought like I felt. I flopped out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I wrecked my knee, bro.

[B]

Three, four feet. You could like snap something. Maybe even less two feet.

[A]

It was brutal.

[B]

I scream in my sleep too. Like I. I actually just started having to take my nightmare medication again.

[A]

Oh yeah?

[B]

Yeah. Because I'll scream in the middle of the night. I'll be threatening people in the middle of the night.

[A]

I try to fight people all the time.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

By the way, fun thing, if you are someone that has night terrors, that has a partner, you get one punch. You get one real good one.

[B]

I've only grabbed somebody once. Once.

[A]

And I'm just saying that was make it count.

[B]

That was wild.

[A]

I'm just saying you get one and I'm saying don't do it the night they pissed you off. But say bank it. And because you can, you can wind up. Yeah, you can fuck it, you can angle yourself, but you only get that one. So really make it count.

[B]

I was on some undertaker ship. Mine.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rattled.

[B]

I felt horrible, man.

[A]

Mine was always been like that, like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I. My big thing for about two years.

[B]

It would be funny if you like fucking. If you did like a chest chop.

[A]

Yeah. Whoa.

[B]

Or like a fucking.

[A]

Yeah, for about two years. My thing was I punched myself in the knee. Knees. I don't know what I think it was because I knew it hurt.

[B]

Do you think you needed to feel pain or something subconsciously while you were sleeping?

[A]

I think for a while it was me really trying to distract myself from something and I would compulsively do. I used to do it when I was. A couple years ago before I started therapy. I was doing it a week.

[B]

So you go to talk therapy?

[A]

I go to zoom therapy every week.

[B]

Yeah. I go to psych too.

[A]

And I do psychiatry too.

[B]

Oh, sweet. Me too.

[A]

Because I'm on. I'm on Zoloft now.

[B]

So. Yeah, I just got prescribed. I had to go to the walking clinic on Friday because, you know, I'm like, I ain't sleeping. I'm going through something I can't handling. I could see like my heart pounding through my chest. But the other thing is, I'm an addict, so they can't give me anything narcotic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they had to give me hydroxyzine for the anxiety and Remeron for the sleep. But yeah, I. I'll be seeing the psych regularly now. Probably once a month. And then I do talk therapy, too.

[A]

Yeah, I do therapy. And that's really how. Because my old thing was. It was compulsive. I guess it was ocd. I would. If I was like on the couch even, I would slap myself or punch myself in the legs.

[B]

While you were awake?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Just sitting on the couch. I would, like, I would just get the urge that I had to do it and then it went to just sleep.

[B]

Would you do that only when you were alone?

[A]

No.

[B]

You do when people are around to.

[A]

Not straight. Not. Not shrimp. Not like, I wouldn't do it here.

[B]

Right home.

[A]

Yeah, I would do.

[B]

I do. I do weird shit at home, too. I. I don't hit myself or touch myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I. I say things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Mine would be there and I think it was. I mean, I got diagnosed. It was diagnosed ocd.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But the. The Zoloft has helped. I mean, hey, if you don't love coming, love Zoloft.

[B]

Dude. If I. I couldn't even tell the psych what I say. I'd be so embarrassed.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It has to do with my cat.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I say weird. Nasty to my cat.

[A]

Good to know.

[B]

I could never say it out loud to another person for a while.

[A]

Mine was also. Oh, what's it? I'm trying to. Oh, intrusive thoughts. And then I would dwell in them and couldn't get away from them. So I would have the thought, like, if I had, like, a knife in my hand, like, doing something, my thought would be like, I'm gonna stab myself or, I'm gonna stab the cat.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And then I wouldn't. It's not that I wanted to do it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, but it would be bouncing around, like, your head.

[B]

And then, you know, bad about yourself.

[A]

You know, like the. The logo when the DVD player is on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They would just be, kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill the cat. Kill the cat.

[B]

No, I. I'm with you, buddy. I get them too. You know, I'm just gonna fucking be honest with the psych next time I go back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is all the weird shit I do that I don't like doing.

[A]

It can't fix me. It's weird to say how much it helps to say it out loud. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You take. You take some of the power.

[A]

Power out of it, especially just to a doctor.

[B]

Right, right. Because they've heard way worse shit.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And even when you're, like, going over memories or like, shit that upsets you, but especially with something you're embarrassed about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Getting it out there really fucking like, I almost feel like.

[B]

Well, you saying that you wanted. You. You were thinking about the thought would come. Stab the cat now. Makes me be like, all right, fucking. I get. I could. I'm more comfortable with it now.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. 100. And it's weird. I almost feel. And this is going to sound cheesy and fucking hippie dippy. I feel like everybody at least once a month should have to, like, have an hour with a doc and. Yeah. The happiest person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. This is what I got going on.

[B]

Right, Right. All right, look at us.

[A]

Look at us being progressive young men.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

All right, we got more dumb celebrity. Here's a fun one. Let's. Let's. Let's make it fun. Charlie Sheen cut off by the Mexican cartel over his cocaine consumption. Shannon, how much blow was this fucking psychopath doing still?

[B]

I thought he died.

[A]

No, no, no. Charlie Sheen. Yeah. I think he just came out with a book.

[B]

I thought he was on Joe Rogan. I thought he died, man.

[A]

He just came out with a book, I think. I'm sure this is another chapter from his book, right? If I know how these stories work, Shannon.

[C]

So he said that at one point he was smoking seven gram rocks of cocaine and that he was buying so much from his dealer that they cut him off. I actually watched the documentary this weekend, and he said that his drug dealer, who is, like, became his friend, that because of the suggestion of, like, a family friend, went to him and he started actually, like, watering down his crack. And then after the. Over the course of a year, he was like, well, this sucks. Like, I'm not getting high from it anymore. Because he kept, like, watering it down more and more, and then he quit a year later.

[B]

First of all, that drug dealer is a lying piece of shit. He was just ripping Charlie Sheen off. That's what it comes down to. Get the out of here. We became friends, man. So I watered it down. Yes.

[A]

I mean, I charge you the same price.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Come on, bro.

[A]

I was gonna assume the way it was worded, that he just was so into however, like, he. He owed them. But then you forget he was making crazy money, so he was just blowing it.

[B]

He's still rich now, right?

[A]

Yeah, I'm sure he's more than fine.

[B]

1. One of the guys I used to get heroin from, one time he asked me if I wanted to go fishing with him. I was like, no, that's horrible. I was like, dude, I. Yeah, you guys, like, you got the brown powder, I got the green paper.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's the extent of this relationship as.

[B]

Far as it goes. I don't want to go fishing with you, bro. That's crazy.

[A]

By the way, what heroin addict wants to get up and fish?

[B]

Yeah, it's. Or drive to a lake somewhere. You know what I mean?

[A]

And that's a. That's a. That's a beer activity.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe a weed activity. That is not.

[B]

It made me kind of be like, how lonely is this guy? You know what I mean?

[A]

I bet when you're. I mean, I wouldn't know. Maybe I'm speaking out of turn. It might be hard to know who your real friends are when you're selling drugs for a living.

[B]

True, true.

[A]

You know, everybody probably wants to hit you up.

[B]

Now that I think about it. Makes me kind of sad for him a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That he was like, ah, this guy. See this guy every day. He seems all right. You want to go fishing?

[A]

Either that or those were the hap. Those are the laziest fish. He fishes with heroin Would be so fun.

[B]

I go crazy if you put heroin.

[A]

Did you ever see the King of the Hill where he fishes with crack? No. Dude, it is so fucking fun. Go home and watch it. So basically, he goes to the bait store, and the guys had a business because of MegaloMart, like, their Walmart. And he's like, I know a guy that sells bait out of his truck a few blocks over, and it's just like some hillbilly with a pickup truck that says bait spelled wrong. But he may. He sees the wrong thing and he buys vials of crack and he starts fishing with crack.

[B]

Well, I never knew bait and crack were priced similarly.

[A]

Yeah, there's. It's. There's a. There's a discrepancy there, but he's just literally, like, tying crack rocks to his.

[B]

Did he catch a lot of fish?

[A]

Well, the fish all started jumping on the boat after they taste it because he's like, I need. He goes, I need. I need bait. And the guy's like, oh, that's what you call it? He's like, yes.

[B]

Bobby, hurry up.

[A]

Get over here. But it's great. It's a really good one.

[B]

I'm gonna check that out.

[A]

I've been on a big King of the Hell kick ever since it came back out. All right. Keeping it moving. Oh, this is the other one I wanted. Priscilla Presley tells all on abortion. Elvis forcing himself on her and why she never trusted Michael Jackson. Shannon, that's such a. The shit I've been getting online for that fucking clip of me on SDR of me and Gene Simmons doing Michael Jackson jokes, which apparently do not fly on black social media anymore.

[B]

Really?

[A]

They are not.

[B]

They're Team Michael all the way now.

[A]

Oh, boy, have I never seen so many anti Semitic comments to you? Well, mostly to Ralph and Gene. I have been called some horrible. I've been called you myself on it a number of times.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yuck. A lot of juice box emojis, a lot of nose emojis, a lot of money emojis. Basically, what they're saying is that Michael spoke out against the Jews, and so they. They. They put together a conspiracy to say he was a child molester, a pedophile. You know, were they the ones putting kids in the house? No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even when you bring up points that make sense, like he had an alarm system for when parents were coming down the hallway, they'll be like, yeah, he was rich. He needed alarms.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

And they'll say that. Yeah, that, like, the Jewish cabal put together, like, all these people to lie and say it about him to ruin his life. He has a lyric that something likes Jumi sue me, Jimmy sue me. I can't remember what. What song it is. Anyway, I think Shannon, fill us in on Priscilla's tell all.

[C]

Okay, so in regards to the abortion, she said that she found out shortly after they got married. So as you know, they met when. When she was 14, he was 24. They got married when she was 21. And shortly after they got married is when she found out she was pregnant. But she was excited when they got married because she's like, okay, you know, like, we can finally like, be more out and about with relationship. And she felt free about it and then found out she was pregnant. So she was kind of freaking out. And then so Elvis was like, look, like, if you want to. Like, if you want to have an abortion, we can totally do that. And then when she heard those words out loud, she was like, oh, my God, no way. This is our baby. So that's. That's the abortion part. Okay, the forcing himself on her part. Obviously, Elvis cheated on her forever. And then at one point, she cheated on Elvis with some karate guy when he. Michael Stone, I think. And when he found out about it, he like, lost his mind. He considered hiring a hitman to kill him. And then he like forced himself on her in the way that a karate guy would do it.

[B]

How would he.

[C]

It doesn't specify more than that.

[A]

It just says he karate raped her.

[B]

Mitchell match.

[A]

No, but it was like that fun Elvis crowd. Oh, I'm going to rape you. Hey, hey.

[B]

Look at this thing.

[A]

Karate. Sorry, I. Shannon, of all the things we were going to talk about today, Karate.

[B]

Karate rape is crazy.

[A]

Karate rape was not on the docket in my head. It also just really bad because I can only picture Jack White as Elvis in Walk Hard. Oh, don't worry. You can go now. Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by Yo Kratom. Home of the 60 kilo. That is right. No promo code needed. Why? Because it's the best deal in the world to Kratom. If you don't use Kratom, don't start on my account. But if you do use it, holy moly. There's only one place to get it from. And they have the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at Gas. So stop with the bodegas, the smoke shops, the gas stations. Just go to yocratum.com and get a whole Kilo delivered right to your door for just 60 smackers. Let's go, baby. Yom.com home of the 60 kilo. Let's get back into the show.

[B]

Shannon, how do you feel about karate rape?

[C]

I think it's probably terrible.

[B]

See, she. Canon. Shannon's accepting of it.

[A]

The ancient art of karate.

[C]

Her quote is, she said he forced himself on her quote, the way he imagined a karate master doing it.

[B]

How much coke you got to be on to do that?

[A]

Quite a bit.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

That's a. That's a good. Well, I think it was more than. That's. That's pills. That's a number of.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Quaaludes. Coke, booze.

[A]

Because you. Before we even get to the. The Michael Jackson stuff, Elvis, weird fella, had balls of steel. He brought a loaded gun to the White House.

[B]

Why did he do that?

[A]

To give it as a gift to Nixon. Wow. But he walked through Secret Service with a pistol with a pistol with bullets in it and went, oh, I got you something.

[B]

Did they freak out when he pulled it out?

[A]

I think it was all right. That was when. I Think Nixon made him like a.

[B]

Knight or something, right?

[A]

No, you made him like a drug officer.

[B]

He put him in the. Not the atf. He was like a narc. Like the drug dea.

[A]

Yeah. I think he made him a DEA agent. Shannon. Am I wrong about that?

[B]

Well, let me tell you something here. We're gonna have to confiscate all this.

[C]

Here it says the meeting's purpose was. Presley initiated the meeting by writing a letter to Nixon requesting to. To be made a federal agent at large in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs.

[A]

Yeah. You know what? I bet that's.

[B]

That's a precursor to the. The dei.

[C]

The outcome of it was Nixon gave Presley an honorary narcotics agent badge.

[A]

He could probably take that out, be like, hey, I'm undercover. I need everything.

[B]

Jail.

[A]

Yeah. And that's all.

[B]

You guys either give me the drugs or heal. Jailhouse Rock.

[A]

One more. Let's go. I think so. I almost like, that's got to be the good. That's got to be a great era for drugs. Because it was. We'll never get close to. No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Barbiturates. Quaaludes. Fun stuff.

[B]

What they call them? Black diamonds.

[A]

Black Beauties.

[B]

Black beauties. Yeah.

[A]

I think yellow jackets was one of them.

[B]

All kinds of. I've heard so many different names, and I wish I could have partake. I'm partaking in that. I really do. I'm so mad that I can't do drugs anymore. It, like, it makes me so upset. Like, what if I could just do, like, a couple lines of really good cocaine? You know, I was even telling the guys the other day, I'm like, I feel like if I. I wish I could do heroin once a week. This one's just on Sundays.

[A]

Just on Sundays.

[B]

On Sundays, man.

[A]

Lord's day. Yeah. On the seventh day, he rested.

[B]

Wake up, have. Have. Have breakfast, brush my cat, go play softball, shoot. Shoot three or four bags and just.

[A]

Just. Yeah.

[B]

Just let it all go, decompress.

[A]

It'll probably make for a bad Monday.

[B]

If I could keep it to Sunday, Monday would be okay.

[A]

Yeah, but you can't, I don't think. I mean, you would have to have will of steel to keep it the Sunday.

[B]

Yeah. Which I don't have. I still have that attic.

[A]

I doubt very many could.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It takes a special kind of cat to be able to do that.

[B]

I have met people in my life who can. Do you just get up on the weekends? Obviously, the older they get, it carries over into the week, and their life is shitty. But they were able to do that for a long time. You're not an addict. You don't do drugs every day.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. So you can party.

[A]

No.

[B]

Friday and Saturday and be like, Sunday. I'm taking it easy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. No, but my problem's always been booze.

[B]

Oh. So out more. You're more. You would. You used to drink every day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always been my issue. So that's still something that'll creep up on me where I'm like, I'm just gonna go a little while, and then I'm like, ah, fuck, it's Tuesday.

[B]

And just.

[A]

I really. Yeah. I really got to be careful with booze. I actually got to cut back again now. That's. That's.

[B]

Will you drink a couple. You drink a couple of days in a row?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I like booze. And I actually. Just because I'm nervous about how much I've been drinking again. I just ordered. I just filled my fridge with liquid deaths so that every. So that I literally don't have room for booze to put booze in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that now every time I open the fridge and I want to drink, I'm like, let me have a liquid death instead.

[B]

So you know what I used to do? Whenever I'd get, like, a month or two of clean time, what I would do is I would. You know, and this is off of dope. Right. I would. I'd buy a 12 pack of beer and I'd put it in my fridge. And then like a week would go by when I have one, a couple maybe I have one or two, and I go, look, I don't have a problem. I haven't drank that whole. The whole. And that's how I would trick myself back into. Then one day I'd slam the whole. All eight, nine, whatever was left. And then I'd get high again.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you. Yeah, I'm definitely. Isn't it crazy time to start cleaning up? Yeah, no, I actually had a. The other day, I was like, I really. I'm getting there again.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's what. That's why. That's why old seltzer boys gonna have to make a return for a while. Kind of get my shit together.

[B]

So if you don't say it's like Tuesday, you don't have nothing to do till Friday, will you just fucking drink? Those days?

[A]

I very rarely have that kind of time. And it's never like. I would almost say I haven't drank, like, yet. I had a rough day yesterday. I will admit, drinking Saturday night got a little wild and woolly. Yesterday was a. Yesterday was a tough recovery day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I very. I would say I am never hungover. Almost almost exclusively. Like, I. Completely fine. But still. Yeah. I'll put a few away and. And get a little banged up, but I'm always fine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But then I think that's not good either, that I know exactly where to stop. So it's just enough that it's not a problem. Right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Is that close to having a problem. So I've been. I gotta. Yeah, this is a. This is me. Hey, good that I'm saying it on the air. I gotta stick to it. Yeah. It's also like.

[B]

Like I'm bringing this. The road, sappy, gay energy with me.

[A]

No, the road is tough on me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I love boozing in hotel rooms. I love bad food. And booze in a hotel room is so much fun.

[B]

That's what the road is for me. Because my. My weight and literally can fluctuate in a matter of months from like 180 to 250. It just. It just can. So I'm on the road to the same thing. I'm eating all the free meals at the club. I'm taking. Taking one back to the hotel room with me and just going bananas is like, I'll just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Makes me feel better.

[A]

Yeah. And then it's like because on the road, there's so many hours to kill.

[B]

Yeah, Ton.

[A]

And it's not like I want to see.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

People always like, oh, did you do this and this? And I was like, no. Why?

[B]

And there's nothing to see in Arizona.

[A]

Exactly. Those are the. I'm in these towns where I'm like, I got nothing here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, that's what you've just fucking. You're an animal.

[B]

And you go to Chicago. How many times can you see the fucking bean? You know what I mean? Or.

[A]

Yeah, it's. I have to. I'm gonna be in Detroit for like the eighth time this year.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I'm out of. To do. Yeah.

[B]

Now you're. Did you go to the Motown already?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm out of.

[B]

You only need to go to that once.

[A]

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[C]

It seems like when Priscilla got with him, it was after the allegations had already become public about him fucking with kids. And so I think that she kind of held onto that and she thought that Michael Jackson was never loved. Lisa Marie. And it was only with her because he wanted to improve his image with all the allegations. And then he felt like once they were not together anymore that she felt like Elvis breathed a sigh of relief.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

In. In heaven.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know, man.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, that always did feel like.

[B]

If Elvis did karate rape, he was not in heaven.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Yeah, That's. That's crazy. She thinks that that is true.

[A]

That that one time, Derek ode. He did see Hitler and Elvis. Yeah. It always seemed, like, too perfect. The idea of Michael Jackson marrying Elvis is that like the King of Pop.

[B]

Marries the daughter of the King of Rock and Roll. Yeah.

[A]

It seemed like a little too much. But then also, I think Priscilla might have. Priscilla, excuse me. Lisa Marie might have had a little bit of a penchant for crazy because then she married Nicolas Cage.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's also.

[A]

And. And listen, that's an upgrade crazy wise. But it's still. You're toeing a line.

[B]

This is what it comes down to. Michael Jackson, he tried to buy the Elephant Man's bones, all right? He wanted to look like Diana Ross, and then he married the fucking King of Rock and Roll's daughter. Like, this guy is a. He's a strange fellow.

[A]

Yeah. There's also, some would argue, kind of a badass. Michael supposedly tuned up Tupac.

[B]

Oh, that's what I heard. Yeah. Yeah. Because he was being mean to Rashida or something like that.

[A]

Quincy Jones's niece or something. Right.

[B]

Yeah. I think Michael knew the big. The older sister or something like that.

[A]

And supposedly Tupac was tuning up his check.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Michael gave him the business.

[B]

Well, Michael's from Gary, Indiana.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Rough. Rough city, man. Real rough city.

[A]

What is that? I just. Somebody just posted a clip on Instagram of Michael talking in his real voice. Like, not putting on the.

[B]

It was real.

[A]

No, it was a clip of him actually speaking.

[B]

I need to see that.

[A]

And it's weird. It's like. Have you ever heard Gilbert speak?

[B]

Gilbert Godfrey?

[A]

Yeah. Gilbert not speaking the voice.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, fuck. Shannon, can you look up the Howard Stern where they had Gilbert call in or they played a voice message from Gilbert where he's not doing the bit.

[B]

Can we listen to the Michael Jackson one, too?

[A]

Yeah. Can you please see if you find Michael Jackson's real voice? Both of them are, like, jarring. Because the Gilbert one, I thought that's how he talked.

[B]

I thought he was, like, kind of autistic or something. He was like.

[A]

Yeah, well, no, I've heard a lot. Yeah. Here. Here we go. Jackson's real voice sounds totally different. Here's when he spoke normally and then switched instantly.

[B]

I feel like he was just a.

[A]

Little out of Breath. I know. He called in Howard. My friend met him years ago. He was at a Rocky Horror on Broadway because he was about to become the narrator. They did a thing where the narrator was different every week after 911 to kind of like, yeah, bump up tickets.

[B]

Spruce it up a little bit.

[A]

And he. But he was very quiet about it. Here did. Yeah, yeah. What voice is this from?

[B]

Aladdin.

[A]

Aladdin, yeah. And in fact, they wanted Gilbert for this. They even drew the parrot to look like him even before they gave him the part because they only had Gilbert to money. And here's a little bit of Gilbert. I have a point to make here. There's two. This is my point about how there's two different Gilberts. The on air Persona and the off air Persona. And they're both scary. Here's Gilbert as the parrot.

[B]

I can't believe it. I just don't believe it.

[A]

We're never going fast forward until it's him calling in.

[B]

Everything else.

[A]

Here we go. Now listen to. In contrast, the is off the air Gilbert. This is him leaving a voicemail from years ago on the answering machine. And this is Gilbert's real voice. All right. Just a scary.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All right. But it's like a whole different guy. All right, here it is.

[B]

Yeah, Gary, it's Gilbert. I'll probably be there tomorrow, but if you could call up. Call me up. Are you kidding me? And just tell me what exactly is going on tomorrow. You know what's. That's his real voice. Like that.

[A]

That's the scariest Gilbert. Yeah, I had I1.

[B]

I think maybe other people confirmed that.

[A]

So I've. I talked to that Gilbert once years ago. It wasn't. It was almost a mix because he was still doing it a little. And it was at Skank Festival. What was the one where Louis came three.

[C]

I just. I just remember it was Brooklyn.

[A]

Yeah, it was the one at the Polish place that we got banned from. So I think that was three. And we were in the green room and it was me, Dave and Lauren. And Lauren had maybe just had the baby or something like that. And Gilbert and his wife.

[B]

I just had a baby too.

[A]

I mean, they have kids and they were talking. We were all just kind of hanging out and Dave was talking about being nervous about like forgetting shit. And Gilbert told us a story about when they had first had the baby. He went to the bank to do something and the wife call and goes, how's the baby? And he realized he left the baby. He left the baby in the crib to go to the Bank. And as he's telling the story, they're like, did you run home? And I went, oh. As soon as he was done at the bank, Gilbert fucking rushed home. And it was just a subtle Jew joke.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And Gilbert. Then the laugh was the Gilbert laugh.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But before that, he talked to us in the Voice. Really? Now, the. Not the. He talked to us normal. Yeah, because him and his wife were so sweet together, and even then, he was like a little old man. That was so very jarring. What a little old man he was then.

[B]

He's a little guy. He just died, what, a couple years ago now?

[A]

Yeah, but he was, like, old right when we saw him. But, yeah, I remember. That was the Voice.

[B]

And.

[A]

Yeah, that's a fucking jarring one.

[B]

Yeah, that's crazy. Isn't it weird I never knew? No, yeah, that's. That would freak me the fuck out.

[A]

Oh, dude. Old Gilbert on Howard is so funny. When he would do the news, he would call it his Dracula do. The news is. Dracula is my favorite. All right, let's get one more thing out of here before we're done. And you know what? In the spirit of the show, Wild brawl as mob and veins. Burger Kitchen. Shannon, I know it's all the way at the end of the list. I apologize. Uh, but, yeah, let's end the show with one of my favorite things. Fast food fights.

[C]

Sorry, give me one second.

[A]

No worries, Shannon. It's a safe place. You got nothing to apologize for. You did great today, and we're all very proud of you.

[B]

One sec, one sec.

[C]

Oh, look, he's making him suck his own dick.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

All right. Here you go.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Oh, damn. Damn, they all left him. How many people they got working there? Jesus Christ. Where the is this place?

[A]

This is a fat burger in Chicago. Well, this is certainly a mob of teens. Look at these teens and a mob. Jesus Christ.

[B]

What the.

[A]

Holy God. There was so many people. Shaq, we do that one more time.

[B]

I mean, it felt like There was like 15 people ran in and 15 people working there.

[A]

Yes. It was a fat burger. And Buffalo's express. Oh, maybe a B Dubs. Maybe it's a ghost kitchen. Holy shit. Yes. Hey. I can't believe how many fucking people work there. I guess maybe they had beef with somebody that worked there. By the way, this is like a Shirts versus Skins basketball game. But it's shirts versus aprons. We got to start arming these fast food people.

[B]

Dad. Bro, that's crazy.

[A]

We got to start bringing back ball bats behind the counter.

[B]

I mean, that makes me feel, like.

[A]

Scared for those folks we got to bring, because we. It's a rule we used to have on Lewis and Zach that if you cross the counter, anything that happens is on you.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, if you get fucking. Your brains blown out.

[A]

Because I feel like once you step behind the counter and almost anything, once it's employees only, what that to me is, I am risking my safety. My safety. And I'm putting you in danger because you don't know me, and I'm now in your protected space.

[B]

Yeah. Even yesterday when I was playing softball, one of our guys rolled up. He was on. We had a double header.

[A]

He. And he.

[B]

He messaged me. He goes, listen, I'm on mushrooms in Coney Island. I'm not going to make the first game. And I was like, you're probably not going to make the second game either. He's like, no, I'll be there. So he bikes all the way from Coney island to Prospect park, rides across the field on the bike, and he's not in uniform, and he just goes into the dugout, you know, to get his stuff. And the umpire grabbed the bat and ran over to the dugout. Because I was like, no, no, no.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

This is like. He's like, oh, I didn't. I just saw him bike across the field. But, like, yeah. Like, you don't. You just don't know what people are capable of, bro, or what they're going to start doing and all that. Yeah.

[A]

I've never loved Indian dudes more than when I watched them take out the sticks.

[B]

Oh. Start beating people I love.

[A]

Wreck somebody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Putting that. Putting. I mean, it is them in the store, baby, you. Oh, I love it.

[B]

And hearing the dudes beg.

[A]

Oh, yeah, please stop. Well, because they come in so hot, and, like, there's no way these poon jobs are gonna think they're gonna be.

[B]

Like, pushovers and like that. But the Pujabi guys have been dealing with worse over there.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. They're gonna die for that.

[B]

Absolutely. That's their lifeline to a better life.

[A]

I'll do that. What is the best thing? What do you think before this will end? On this. What is the best thing to have behind? Gun excluded.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Because not everybody can have a gun. What is the best weapon to have behind the counter? Bat.

[B]

I would say. I would say, like, one of those, like, kendo sticks, those wooden. Kendall. Anything long like that.

[A]

Really? I feel like they can grab that.

[B]

Yeah. But if you get them. Get them on the ankle Real quick, and they go down. You just.

[A]

I feel like. What about, like, out of them? Extendable baton.

[B]

That would be good, too. I've never actually used one of those before. One of my buddies carries one.

[A]

You can get some good torque on that.

[B]

I just think it's like hitting you in the wrist or the ankle and you just dropping and then just getting the taser. Taser would be good, too. Sometimes tasers don't work on people, though, especially if they're on drugs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You might even give them a little extra energy.

[A]

Okay. So, yeah, I think baton stick. And don't they say to put a sock on a baseball bat?

[B]

What's the sock for?

[A]

So they say if you're gonna have a baseball bat for home defense, you put a sock on it so that if they try and grab it, it'll slip off.

[B]

That's actually very good.

[A]

That you can take it and you get another shot before they are holding.

[B]

While they're holding the.

[A]

And, yeah, they're standing there like a cartoon holding the sock.

[B]

And then you could be like. And there's. Come on that.

[A]

Yep. All right. Calling it there. Thank you guys so much. Thank you to my guest, Derek Drescher from On the Gate podcast. Check him out. And we will see you this Wednesday here on the Morning Zoo. Goodbye. Noon is morning time to him. Papa Baco. Chug it down just like your favorite obi's clown. Grab a coffee and join the crew. It's Akamiko morning, too. It's Akamiko work, work morning, too.