0048. Jeremiah Watkins and JP McDade

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo – Episode 0048

Guests: Jeremiah Watkins & JP McDade
Date: September 28, 2025
Main Theme:
A riotous, unfiltered round table of comedians riffing on strange news, wild road stories, stand-up inside baseball, and the absurdities of daily life. The trio gleefully poke fun at generational differences, comedy traditions, and the ongoing chaos of America, all while maintaining that signature “Morning Zoo” flavor—irreverent, vernacular-heavy, and chaotically upbeat.

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Episode Overview

This wild ride with Zac Amico, joined by stand-up heavyweights Jeremiah Watkins and JP McDade, dives deep into bizarre news stories, tales from the road, the weirdest gigs, and the evolving cultures of crowd comedy, all seasoned with their trademarked irreverent humor.

The discussion swings from elderly ushers in peril and wild bar stories, to the etiquette of Metro-North, crowd babysitting, and the physiological realities of being on the road (and the can). Highlights include:

• Viral news stories processed through a comic lens
• Deep-dive stories from New York's least glamorous club days
• Confessional-level road and bar tales
• Cultural commentary on public space, crowd behavior, and body functions

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy and Club Culture: Inside Baseball

• [02:07–03:19] The group does a plug round and reminisces about the power of having a “signature piece of furniture” on stage. Amico mentions the awkwardness of performing with an armchair—has Cosby connotations (“It looks like Cosby’s about to go” – Amico, [06:09]), while McDade and Watkins discuss how each comic’s got their “thing” (Maron's stool, Voss’s stool, etc.).
• [12:15–17:29] Amico dives into a rambling, darkly hilarious story about his days at New York’s infamous LOL Comedy Club. He describes being conscripted into illegal bartending gigs, not knowing prices, dealing with endless underage drinkers, and eventually leaving amid a scene that likens to “a hundred dying Puerto Ricans all holding their stomachs and just girls crying.”

  “It was like Gone With the Wind, but this is the lobby and it’s all Puerto Ricans…” – Amico ([18:40])

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2. Wild and Weird News Stories

• Elderly Usher Attack (“NBA Youngboy” Concert)
  • [04:55–11:33] The trio watches the viral video and lampoons both the overmatched usher and the breakdown of social norms.
  • JP: “This is why you never go above and beyond at work.” ([08:29])
  • Jeremiah points out industry shifts: “If he keeps working there, for sure is going to grab security anytime he needs to ask someone to move now.”
  • Group lampoons hiring practices: “Maybe old Phil should work Barnum & Bailey’s next week.” ([09:50])
• Kids at White Concerts Using the N-word
  • [10:00–11:23] Amico regretfully relives watching "12-year-old white girls screaming the N word" at Hot Topic-era Mindless Self Indulgence shows, highlighting generational and racial tensions from the lens of club security.

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3. Road & Bar Stories: Customer Service Hell

• Bartending at Dance Nights
  • [13:10–19:50] Amico details the chaos of being a first-time bartender—no register, no menu, makes up prices, gets overrun by teenagers, and flees the scene as the police arrive to a lobby of “dying Puerto Ricans.” He confesses to essentially robbing the club blind alongside other comics, resulting in them never being hired again but leaving with pockets full of cash.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Jeremiah: “You’re an adult with a lemonade stand at that point.” ([16:51])
    • Amico: “They gave me a Tupperware to put the money in—no register, no inventory…” ([16:53])

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4. Crowd Management & Wildest Gigs

• Drunkest Audiences Ever
  • [21:38–24:05] Early show Florida, teachers crawling out drunk from Bobby Slayton’s clean show. Teachers “got up at 5 am, started drinking at lunch, crawling on hands and knees.”
  • “Bailey’s bottle in the teacher’s lounge was empty…” – McDade ([22:40])
• Outdoor, BYOB, and Pandemic Shows
  • [26:32–29:46] New York’s post-pandemic “bring your own everything” crowd model results in “Gremlins rule” – when the audience gets wild after 10 PM. “Once it hits 10 pm, that’s when they go from good to evil…” – JP ([27:10])
  • SOULJOEL: “He sold VIP front row tickets to an outdoor seat-yourself show!” ([28:42])
  • “She took her pussy out…” – Amico, recalling an old lady’s shock move at an outdoor gig, sparking gleeful, raucous speculation on the physicality required for such a feat. ([29:26])

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5. Train Etiquette, Race, and Old Lady Drama

• Metro-North Incident
  • [31:32–36:09] After a black man is removed from the train for having his feet up, Zac and JP debate “losers all around” scenarios and the unique decorum of Metro-North vs. the subway.
    • JP: “If people are breaching etiquette, you kind of want to see their day get ruined.” ([32:48])
    • Zac: “The Metro North has still got some decorum; the subway is made of filth…” ([33:10])
    • The segment blends social commentary with comic exasperation about public space control (“Nowhere to sit in Grand Central!” – [37:30])

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6. Odd Crime: Man Robs Bank To Escape Wife… Gets House Arrest

• [38:34–40:30]
  • Elderly man tries to get sent to jail to escape his marriage; instead, receives house arrest, leaving him “stuck with his wife forever.”
    • JP: “So cruel and unusual punishment.” ([38:34])
    • The group riffs on “homelessness vs. jail” as a choose-your-own-adventure book.
      • “How much do you love structure?” – JP ([40:56])
    • Comedic tangent about witnessing public sex among the homeless (with a vivid anecdote from Zac involving a homeless couple’s priorities).

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7. Hooker Interviews & “Human Interest” Content

• [44:00–47:26]
  • Zac introduces YouTube’s genre of “man on the street” hooker interviews, leading to a brief, bleak viewing (“Practice, practice, practice,” offers a Detroit street worker as summary of her craft—[45:14]).
  • “Really hard to ballpark a hooker’s age…” – Zac, musing on the accelerated aging of street workers ([43:09]).

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8. Physical Endurance & Beer Steins

• Queens Stein-Holding Contest
  • [50:46–54:13]
    • Segment on who can hold a five-pound beer stein outstretched the longest—winner got $4,000.
      • “If you do this long enough, is there pressure on your arm so when you don’t have a stein, your arm just stays in a Nazi salute?” – Zac ([51:46])
    • Tangents about Oktoberfest-related drunkenness, and the purity laws of German beer.

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9. Public Toilets Requiring Ads to Dispense Toilet Paper (China)

• [55:02–58:14]
  • China rolling out a system: you must watch an ad or pay to get a strip of toilet paper in public restrooms.
    • “I would need to watch 85 ads to take a shit.” – Zac ([56:23])
    • Group riffs on what that would do to Americans with digestive regularity (“If I’m included in the stats, there’s eight people that don’t shit in weeks!” – Zac [57:19])
  • The group polls each other on their own frequency, leading to a disgustingly detailed but hilarious breakdown of Zac’s daily schedule.

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10. GWAR & Stage Antics

• [60:31–63:09]
  • Closing: Zac reminisces about seeing GWAR behead every sitting president, abort Taylor Swift, etc. Now people are shocked—they’ve just started decapitating “Elon Musk” on stage…
    • “You mean the doll they’ve been decapitating for 30 years?!” – Zac ([61:48])
  • Show closes out with a request for GWAR’s cover of “Carry On My Wayward Son.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Zac Amico: “It makes a mockery of the concept of time.” ([02:07]), on the show’s afternoon “morning” slot.
• JP McDade: “There’s two types of stank face. There’s good stank face and bad stank face.” ([10:23]), dissecting security’s reactions at concerts.
• Jeremiah Watkins: “Working in customer service will make you a Buddhist. You become Zen, or you will die.” ([12:10])
• Amico, recalling a club con: “They’d sell ‘ball drop at midnight’ NYE tickets, then wheel in a TV on a cart to watch the ball drop.” ([20:14])
• On New York club survival: “They would just change their name slightly every six months and start a new Yelp.” ([20:45])
• On “structural flaws” at the worst clubs: “There were two kinds of black people, Chris…” ([14:20–14:25]), a mocking reference to the club’s own twisted marketing.
• Watkins: “That’s your mom lifting a car because a baby is stuck under it moment!” ([16:11]), on Zac’s bartending power boost.
• On pandemic shows: “SoulJoel booked VIPs for outdoor seat-yourself shows. Entrepreneur.” ([28:45])
• On feet up on the Metro North: “If people are breaching etiquette, you kind of want to see their day get ruined.” ([32:48])
• On house arrest for attempted jail escape: “So cruel and unusual punishment.” ([38:34])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:56 – Introduction and branding jokes
• 02:07 – “Mockery of time” / what makes a morning show/branding
• 04:55 – Elderly usher news story & stand-up seating bits
• 12:10 – Customer service, Zen, and nightclub con stories
• 18:40 – Gone With the Wind reference / bar disaster story
• 21:38 – Drunkest audiences & road gigs
• 26:32 – Crowd control: BYOB shows; “Gremlins rule”
• 29:26 – The infamous “pussy out” story at an outdoor gig
• 31:32 – Metro-North etiquette, race, and train policing story
• 38:34 – Bank robber sentenced to “house arrest” with wife
• 44:00 – Hooker interview YouTube genre
• 50:46 – Stein-holding contest & Oktoberfest war stories
• 55:02 – Ads for toilet paper in China & debate on bowel movement averages
• 60:46 – GWAR’s stage decapitations & how the media covers it
• 63:09 – Outro, GWAR song, and goodbyes

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Tone & Language

The episode sticks close to the bones of blue-collar, “degenerate comedy” radio: rapid riffs, no awkward silences, plenty of crosstalk and callbacks, all heavily seasoned with first-person war stories, inside jokes, and streetwise vernacular. Throughout, the hosts maintain irreverence, self-deprecation, and comic exaggeration—never taking a story at face value if there’s a bit to be wrung.

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Summary

Zac Amico’s “Morning Zoo” showcases the anarchic spirit of drive-time comedy—swerving between viral news, stand-up scars, and the lowest of low-brow humor, all through the chemistry of seasoned comics who’ve seen the best (and worst!) of the road. Whether you’re an industry insider or a wannabe-degenerate, this is the episode for learning how the sausage gets made—and watching it slide across the floor.

Transcript

[A]

Not great with finances. That's okay.

[B]

Experian is your big financial friend.

[A]

Explore credit card offers, some labeled no Ding decline, which means if you're not approved, they won't hurt your credit scores. See experian.com for details. Applying for no Ding. Declined cards won't hurt your credit scores if you aren't initially approved. 2025 Experian. Experian. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[C]

Wake up, it's time to go. Zach Amico's got a show.

[A]

Animals are here to play joke. So guests to start your day, Tell the sandman no more sleep. Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your.

[C]

Legs and touch the sky.

[A]

Grab a coffee and join the crew. It's Akamiko.

[D]

Morning soon.

[A]

Wake up, wake up, wake up. Hey, would you look at that? It's a Wednesday. Hey, how you doing? It's your other boy, the international superstar, Zach Amico. Welcome all you zoo files to another edition of Zak Amico's Morning Zoo here on the GAS Digital Network. I am joined by two funny, handsome, wonderful, kind gentlemen across the table from me from Trailer Tales. And stand up on the spot. It's our friend, first time joining the new version of the show, Jeremiah Watkins. How you doing, buddy?

[D]

Hey, good to be here, pal. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate, appreciate your time. And next to him, from your dreams, your hopes, and from being a great guy out on the road, killing it.

[C]

It'S JP McDade, blessed to be here.

[A]

How you doing, brother?

[C]

It's the only Morning Zoo show that takes place in the afternoon.

[A]

That's the move.

[C]

Like this.

[A]

That's definitely the move. I think. I think between the people that watch it live on the west coast and people that download it three days later and start their day with it, I call it a morning show.

[C]

It counts for sure.

[A]

Nobody else is doing that kind of branding. Nope, not since Corolla.

[C]

It makes a mockery of the concept of time.

[A]

That's exactly what I'm going for. Plus, it was more the branding with midnight spook show Morning Zoo.

[C]

Yes, you got the whole freaking dial covered.

[A]

Exactly. Let's have some, you know, let's knock plugs out of the way. Jorge, hit that plug music. Jeremiah, what do you want people to check out?

[D]

Like you mentioned, stand up on the spot. Check it out on YouTube as well as my podcast, Trailer Tales. I'm sure a lot of your favorite comics have maybe been on stand up on the Spot. Zach crushed it when he did a skank fest. And check out me on tour. Jeremiah Watkins.com I'm shooting my next hour special in Batavia, Illinois, October 23rd through 25th. Very excited about that and I'm all over the road. Indianapolis, Portland, Richmond, Virginia, Los Angeles, every second Tuesday of the month for Stand up on the Spot. A lot of good stuff, Jeremiah. Stand up on all socials.

[A]

Fantastic. Mr. McDade.

[C]

McDade Baby on Instagram. JP McDade Comedy on YouTube. Check me out on the Internet. I got some stuff that's going to be posted soon. Keep it locked, subscribe and you know, send me $5.

[A]

Fantastic. You guys can check me out on Instagram at Zach is not funny or go to my punchup livestream. Zach, don't bring it up. Why I'm not on the road this weekend. My shows have been indefinitely postponed. Sorry. I will not be on the road with Zach Holmes like I was supposed to be. But we still are planning to do some shows together. It will be me and Zach from Jackass 4. It'll be stunts, it'll be comedy, and hopefully we're gonna have some new dates for you very soon. But due to some circumstances beyond either of our control, neither of us will be on the road this weekend. And I'm very sorry. For those of you that got tickets, I made sure you're getting a refund. So if you didn't message me and if you love the show and we know you do, go to gas digital.com today. Use the promo code ZOO. You get your episodes early ad free, uncensored. You get the archives thousands episodes of your favorite Gas Digital shows. You get the live chat and most importantly, you get the Friday episode. We do three of these a week. The Friday episode is for subscribers only. So if you want all three shows promo code zoo. Save yourself a little money off your subscription and get the full experience. All right, baby, let's start nice and easy. All right, here we go. Elderly Kansas City worker 66. Don't worry, we're going to be okay. Ruthlessly attacked by teen who was asked to change seats. Shannon fellas in.

[B]

So I mean that's. I'll show you the video in a second. That's basically the story, but a little bit more is the kid was sitting in the wrong seat. And so this is the usher just asking him to move.

[A]

And this is what this is a movie theater.

[B]

I think it's like an event center. There was a young NBA young boy concert.

[A]

JP was just talking about how kids are not socialized quite to talk to authority. And it might be this. Well, first generation of post pandemic kids.

[C]

It's a little bit of sour grapes for me because I submitted a number of tapes to NBA YoungBoy to see if I could open for him on the road. Of course, I think his crowd would appreciate my dry observational comedy.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So I haven't heard back.

[A]

I think, can you start doing. You know, I don't understand what. Those stand up shows where it's like eight black guys on stage and they do one roast joke and then the other seven, like, just yell the punchline again. What is that?

[C]

What, like the 85 south guys or something?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep getting a clip.

[C]

They got a pretty sweet setup. They usually have, like, a couch on stage.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's. Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I've been thinking about going full Dave Blunt's with it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because now people have been bringing me, like, an armchair. But the problem with that is they bring an armchair with, like, a little side table. But before I go on stage, it looks like Cosby's about to go.

[C]

Yes, yes, yes.

[A]

You got to put a sheet on it or something because people are gonna. It does look very Cosby. Ish.

[C]

Listen, we can't discount all of his contributions to stand up. Right.

[A]

Yeah, I. I agree. And Jim Jeffries, during his specials would have a recliner, too, which is where I think. I like. I like to pretend I got it from.

[C]

He's laundering it for everybody else.

[A]

Yeah. He's taking care of.

[C]

Cosby's got that nice time this past.

[D]

Where you could, you know, you could put your own stamp on.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I think your Marin still got.

[D]

He's got the stool.

[A]

Well, he's got. Perched on the stool. He's got stool, but, like, heels.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

On the stool. And I think stool. I mean, everyone says J for stool. I actually think Voss owns stool, too, though.

[C]

Or just everyone's got to have their signature. Signature piece of furniture.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And stand up.

[A]

And I would like to bring back the. The. The. The relaxed armchair. Maybe. Maybe a tiger skin rub.

[D]

Can you do a beanbag chair?

[A]

No. Half the show would be me getting out of it. Yeah. Half the show would be me getting momentum to get out of it.

[C]

Just making a lot of noise with the chair. Yeah.

[A]

It was just like two beanbags chair. Two beanbag chairs. Meeting in the wild. All right, so show us this video, Shannon. Oh, man, that guy's so old.

[C]

Yeah, that's the dude from the don't tell videos. I think Big Dick, who's got. The guy who's got one liners.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I know exactly you're talking. He's from. I did a bunch of shows with him in Houston.

[D]

I mean.

[A]

That'S bad security too, though.

[D]

What in the world should I hold?

[A]

Pause it. Schlange was working the rap Concert T Mobile center when he asked Tina to move because he wasn't in his assigned seat. Great. Wonderful.

[D]

Oh, man.

[A]

You know what? I'm putting it out. That's. You can't keep being a security guard after that, Right. Do you lose your security guard, though?

[C]

You probably lose your credentials after that. Yeah.

[D]

Well, if you're a security guard and you get it handed to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

By that young of a kid.

[A]

A child.

[B]

He was an usher.

[C]

Different rank.

[A]

Yeah, different rank.

[C]

Different. He was going above and beyond. This is why you never go above and beyond at work.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do the bare minimum.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Isn't that their job, though, as an usher to be like, hey, you're actually in the wrong seat. You're up here. Can I see your ticket?

[C]

And I, I expect zero enforcement from the usher. I expect them just be like, yeah, you're over there. Like, I'll walk you vaguely to your seat.

[D]

Oh, well, I mean, that guy, if he keeps working there for sure is going to grab security anytime he needs to ask somebody to move now. So. Because he's going to have flashbacks of getting hit by this kid.

[A]

I'd imagine he's got a lot. He could probably get a good lawsuit in, right? Oh, yeah.

[D]

Hey, man, sometimes you don't mess with Kansas City people.

[A]

That. Yeah, that's a. I guess usher is very different. But then again, buddy, you got a flashlight?

[D]

Also, he's not even like, questionably old. He's so old.

[A]

Like, how do you.

[D]

Why do you get off on like, like, like being a man, like beating up like that? And he's. He has glasses.

[C]

He's like, oh, I was surprised at first when they said elderly. I was like elderly 66. Oh, yeah. No, he's an elderly 66, but. Oh, yeah, God bless him.

[A]

I feel like. And this might be biased. Maybe look at the performer when hiring ushers.

[C]

When, when circling spots on the.

[A]

Yeah. When you're making the schedule out for the month.

[C]

Yeah, I'll do this NBA game.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe. Maybe old Phil should work, like, maybe a different shift. Yeah. Barnum and Bailey's next week.

[C]

Oh, it's the NBA, but for young boys.

[A]

Yes. It does seem. Because I have definitely As a person who's been to quite a few white people be crazy concerts, sure. I've watched a lot of black security guards be very upset with the content provided. Probably the worst.

[C]

Wrong kind of stank face. There's good stank face, bad stank face.

[A]

Well, I used to go see. Do you guys remember a band called Mindless Self Indulgence?

[C]

No. That I do.

[A]

They were Hot Topic era nice.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Loved them. And they were like a break core weird electronic band. But they did bring the pain. Not the Chris Rock special.

[C]

Full lyrics.

[A]

Full lyrics. And they were all white. And then the crowd knew all the lyrics. And I got to watch every day, every time I saw them, I would just watch for security and just watch them. 12 year old white girl screaming the N word. And then watch them all go, oh God. And then check and like start doing numbers.

[C]

And even an even more disappointing part of that is like all those 12 year old white girls don't know that that's a Method man song.

[A]

Oh, no clue whatsoever.

[C]

It's by that band.

[A]

No clue whatsoever. Yeah. So, yeah, I feel like that. I think that's egg on everybody's face. That kid, of course a monster.

[D]

Yeah. And I mean, he could have been like, you know what, I'm going to go on break. Latrell, do you want to take this for a second?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, like maybe fill in for me.

[A]

I don't want to. Like, I have never had a job I cared about that much.

[D]

I know, I know. When I used to work at Starbucks and wait tables and stuff back in the day, anytime somebody tried to cause confrontation with me at Starbucks, I'd be like, you want a free gift card? And they'd be like, oh, yes, thank you. And it would extinguish any kind of argument. I'd be like, hey, a free drink.

[C]

Working in customer service will make you a Buddhist. Yeah, that's how it happened. You become Zen or you will die.

[A]

Yeah. I couldn't handle when I floor managed briefly at LOL when it reopened, when it first reopened, and the amount of just not paying the bill, not wanting to buy, I just couldn't do it. It broke my heart.

[C]

We're not paying the bill because you promised us Eddie Murphy was going to be here and he wasn't.

[A]

You would think that would be the extent of the stupidity. I had a person argue with me once after they bought tickets, that they bought two drinks at another bar.

[C]

That counts.

[A]

And that should count towards it. They thought it meant you just needed to have two drinks in your Body. What? Yeah. And these were like human adults. These were like people in their 40s.

[C]

That rocks. You got a bartender's note.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

To come to the show.

[A]

And then I. You know what? I will say my instincts only kicked in once. I was working the bar at a party in that same building. And it was so Jeremiah, I have to fill you in. Lol. New York was the worst place on earth.

[D]

Was the location.

[A]

It was at the time across the street from Port Authority above Show World. And underneath it was a haunted house. And it was on the fourth floor of a building that during the day was dance recitals and like dance classes.

[C]

In LA terms, it's like right between downtown LA and skid row. Somewhere in there.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. And it was accessible only via freight elevator. So if you wanted to perform there, you could not escape without being with the crowd. And you would just. And it was straight up. Street team was the, you know, Eddie Murphy, Tina Fey, Family guy. That's who's there tonight.

[C]

Peter Griffin is going to be there performing live.

[A]

And I mean, it was the bomb of all. Like there were cops there. I think the cops just stopped coming.

[C]

There's two kinds of black people, Chris.

[A]

What kind of black people are there, dad?

[C]

Well, son.

[A]

And it would just be fights. And at some point they also started hosting dance nights on the floor above it. And they suckered me and other comics into bartending it. And I had never bartended before. I made a lot of mistakes. I was not a good bartender, but. And I'm not in any way try. I think I embrace the spirit of the guy that used to bartend at the first club I ever worked at. Because he was like a tough guy and he had just passed at the time and he was in my head. And a kid, they played some song and it was all young people, like probably like 17, 18 year olds. And they played some song that must have been a hit at the time. And they went a little wild. And a kid tried to crawl under the bar. Cause it was just like a folding table. And he did some weird caterpillar dance and then ran under my bar. And I just saw a kid at my feet. Kid. I mean, like 19 year old. And I don't know why, but my instinct was to grab him by the belt loop and the collar and pick him up like Donkey Kong. And all his friends made a triangle like they knew I was gonna go human bowling. And I just went and I threw him and I knocked them all down. And I've never been that strong or tough before. That or after that, I think it was just pure rage that a man crawled under the bar. My first night of bartending.

[D]

That's your mom lifting a car because of a baby moment.

[A]

I was so mad. And then I looked. I was like, I didn't know I could do that. And I don't think I can do that. It's not in my. Did they look at you like, oh, yeah.

[D]

Oh, yeah, I bet.

[A]

Yeah. I was pissed.

[D]

Did you feel it the next day in your body? Like, were you sore or anything like that?

[A]

No, I was hungover. Okay. That was a bad night. That was. Fuck. This is a very incriminating story, but basically, I wasn't a bartender. I didn't know how to make anything. And all these people came up to me and they're like, what do you got? I was like, I don't know. And I was. They didn't give me a cash register.

[D]

You're an adult with a lemonade stand at that point.

[A]

They gave me a Tupperware to put the money in. Yeah. No register, no inventory. So I said, hey, I don't know what anything is or how much it costs. If you promise to tip me $10, I will fill up a cup with whatever you put, tell me to put in it.

[C]

So you just invented the Long Island Iced Tea by accident?

[A]

Yes. And then five minutes later, another girl came up, and she was like, hey, you gave my cousin this deal? And I was like, yes, I did. And apparently everyone was. There was cousins, because another 40 cousins came up to me, and then I could incriminate the person I was with. It was Chris Tinkle. If you guys. Did you ever meet Chris Tinkle?

[C]

I think so, yeah.

[A]

He's a San Francisco comic. And so the owner of LOL comes up, and he was this gay Spanish guy. He's like, the police are here. They say, we have been serving underage people. And I need to confirm with you that you have been checking wristbands all night as you have been serving alcohol. And I went, yeah, Roy, of course. And then he walked away. And I went to Chris, I was like, did you know that there's wristbands? And he went, no. And I went, we gotta go. And I walked out into a giant lobby. And Shannon, can you bring up the scene in Gone with the Wind where it's just all the soldiers dying on the battlefield? I walked into what I can only describe as a hundred dying Puerto Ricans all holding their stomachs and just girls crying.

[D]

How much were you filling these cups up?

[A]

This is. Imagine this is all Puerto Ricans. And this is the lobby.

[D]

And you're the woman in the dress.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. This is what I'm. I'm stepping over people to get out as the cops are coming. Well, this is exactly what it looked like.

[D]

Dude, what a great poll to bring up. Enlightening speed.

[A]

Yeah. Shannon, Very, very good job. Wow. But also really makes my point. Didn't think it Gone with the Wind reference was coming at the end of that story.

[D]

Were you filling up the cups like.

[A]

Like literally like ice and. Yeah, ice and liquor.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't fucking know. I was fucking 20, right.

[D]

Did you walk out with some fat cash?

[A]

I robbed the living shit. We. I mean, I think all three. There was another comic too. I don't think any of us put any money in the till. I mean we would put maybe five out of every twenty dollars in. And the. I mean we walked out with a. We robbed the blind. Yeah. And then we never got hired again.

[C]

Sure. And the place went out of business, you say?

[A]

Believe it or not. Well, they moved five times.

[D]

The business model was a little shaky suspect.

[A]

Yeah, they moved like five times.

[C]

There were structural flaws.

[A]

Yeah. If you ever heard any of the stories years ago, this was the club that was selling tickets to see the ball drop on New Year's Eve. And they didn't have windows, so they would just bring in a tv.

[D]

Wow. And they would get people. They'd bark on the street.

[A]

Like $100 a seat. And it would be all open like young comics. And they said ball drop at midnight. And they wheeled in on an AV station like you would like substitute teachers.

[C]

Strapped out in high school.

[A]

A tube television. Not a tube television.

[C]

It's crackling, turns on.

[A]

And they would wheel it in at midnight and you would watch the ball drop on TV. And I think it was 100 or 150.

[D]

Upset was every person.

[A]

They would just change their name slightly every six months and start a new Yelp.

[C]

That's awesome. Like. Like the Amazing Spider man type deal.

[A]

Yeah, it was. It was hell on earth. That was where. Oh man, a ton of us came up there.

[C]

So I guess they ripped off Caroline's because Caroline's used to do that New Year's Eve show where the entire audience would get like a fenced in area of Times Square to go in and actually watch the ball drop live.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And then you go back. I've never seen suburban middle aged adults get so hammered at one place as I have there. Because there you get in there at like 7:30 and you're just drinking, watching comedy until the ball drops. And these people weren't built for that. And, like, at the end of the night, after the ball dropped, they turn into a dance floor. And there were, like, suburban moms and dads grinding on the dance floor, like, damn near fingering each other.

[A]

That is beautiful.

[C]

Yes. It really was.

[A]

I will tell you, the drunkest audience I've ever seen. Early show Florida. And I can't remember the guy's name. It was. His whole act was about how he was a teacher and he did comedy for teachers. And it was Bobby Slayton. It was at Side Splitters in Tampa. And they made me a deal that this guy had the Sevens, and I would do the 10. And they advertised it as clean at 7, dirty at 10. And I would show up around 9 as his show got out. And these teachers were so fucking. They were crawling on their hands and knees to get out of the showroom, they were so drunk. And then I was like, oh, yeah, they all got up at 5 today.

[C]

They started drinking then.

[A]

Yeah, started probably drinking round, round lunch.

[C]

Depends on when recesses.

[A]

And now they're wrapping. Yeah, this is the. And it's a Friday, so they're wrapping up the week.

[C]

Oh, yeah. The Bailey's bottle in the teacher's lounge was empty.

[A]

Yeah. What's the drunkest crowd you've ever had to deal with?

[D]

Probably somewhere in Texas.

[A]

That'll do it.

[D]

Friday, late in Texas.

[A]

Anybody open for it? You feel like is big, big drinking crowd. Hmm. Trying to think. I feel like a tell. Back in the day would have been tough.

[D]

I mean, some of the. Like, back in the day when we would tour with Kill Tony, some of those crowds would get pretty into it. It'd get pretty. Pretty excited about the show. They drink quite a bit, but nothing. I don't know. Like, it's. It's usually, like, typically just pretty standard. I haven't had, like, too many. Every once in a while, I'll have to do a show where I'm babysitting the crowd.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm headlining. And it's just.

[A]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's given.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know how they say, like, certain kind of, like, bird or tell, they'd be like, we sell so much booze. Jp, when you go out and stop, are they like, our mozzarella. Our mozzarella stick numbers?

[C]

Snacks go quickly.

[A]

They're out there out the window. You know what?

[D]

There was a recent Dr. Phil live that we did in Atlantic City that was up there as far as, like, drunk Crowd. There was a guy. I was playing this gay fireman character from Ladder 69 in Los Angeles, and as you do.

[C]

And we lost a lot of good men from lattice69 on 9 11.

[D]

So it was Giannis Papas, and Chris and Stefano were the guests. So they do their ladder 14 characters. So mine was like a LA branch character of theirs. And there was a guy on stage that clearly just wanted attention. And Adam as Doc. Adam Ray brought him up as Dr. Phil. And. And he is like. He's dancing, he's doing the worm, because he's supposed to do, like, this little scene with us where we're gonna add that he's trapped in a burning building. Right. And he starts hamming it up and dancing before we get to the scene. So I was like, well, this guy's wasted. I'm just gonna go for it with this guy. And so Adam goes, okay, now you're on fire. What do you do? And I grab water, and I start just spitting it all over the guy, just spraying him in it, and he just doesn't care. And he just starts, like. Like. And I just, like, start spitting on him over and over. And the crowd's going insane because they're like, what is happening right now? And this guy's in a full suit.

[A]

Oh, good.

[D]

And he's with his wife. And, like, after the show, he shook my head. It's like, man, that was so fun.

[C]

I'm like, I've always loved theater. Thank you for letting me. He's completely sober. He's like, this is exactly what I envisioned when I was a boy in high school. Yeah. Doing. Doing drama. Thank you for this.

[D]

But it was a very fun moment because, you know, everybody was on board. Even him. He was just like, yeah, spit on me.

[A]

That. I think it's the. Because I've been hammered very rarely at a performance like that, though, I feel like you really got to time it. Mm. And I've never had the intuition to be blackout at, like, a thing you got to pay attention to. I think it's because how we look at comedy versus how other people like, to them, it's like, oh, this is my night off. Sure. I'm going to go nuts. As opposed to us. Right. I'm fucking at work again. That being said, hammered crowd can be fun. Can be. If it's touch, if it's babysitting, it sucks.

[D]

Yeah. But if it's, like, the manageable, like. Like they're having a good time, they're just getting a little bit too loose. Like, I can handle that. But as long as they're not just like, just like unintelligible and like, you can't do anything with that energy. You're like, oh, dude. Or just yelling stuff. Like, it's just like. It has nothing to do with the show. They're like, oh, they're just in another.

[C]

Well, there's some shows in New York, like the. At like BYOB places, like pop up.

[A]

Comedy clubs, which I was even thinking about. The. The Pandemic BYOB show.

[C]

Yeah, that. That business model, like, took off after the pandemic and like awesome shows most of the time. And the crowds are all like, really young, like Wall street people. They're all exactly 23 years old. And I call it like the Gremlins rule. Like, once it hits 10pm that's when they go from good to evil. Like, because they're bringing their packs of white claws to the show. And as. As they get into that third or fourth one, there's a shift you really want your spot to be before.

[A]

Yeah. PM Some of those Soul Joel pandemic shows where they were. Bring your own chair.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

You ever get with the Freight Train? Well, you ever get hit with the Freight Train?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

That happened to Steve Rogers. I did a show with like Jolis, Steve Rogers, Sarah. And the only person who got fucked on their set was Steve. And the train went by for a solid nine minutes.

[A]

Yes, we would. You would show up to the Souljol shows and like, all right, shows at eight, you get there like seven, and there'd be people sitting already with two thirds done, a 30 rack. And you'd be like, what time did you get here? And they'd be like four. And there's nothing to do. They're just looking at nothing. Right. Oh, that was the lady that took her pussy out in the park one time. We go to the Soldier. Oh, yeah. No, she could call her. I can only describe as took her pussy out. She didn't show us her pussy.

[C]

She had a swinger.

[A]

She took her pussy out and flopped loose.

[C]

Roast beef.

[A]

Soldier goes, I have this outdoor space for you guys. He goes, it's a natural amphitheater. You know what a natural amphitheater is? A hill. And it was a hill by a lake with just families doing lake stuff. And then all these people show up with chairs. We're in front of a tree with a PA system and I'm sitting on a rock next to the stage, quote, unquote. Ed Lewis is on Ed Soldier. God bless him. Sold vip front row Tickets to an outdoor seat yourself show. God bless him. I mean, entrepreneur.

[D]

That's good marketing.

[A]

And he sits these fucking four wine drunk old ladies that immediately everyone starts calling the golden girls that Easy Easy.

[C]

Reference bronze at best.

[A]

And one had Spanx on and was sitting in a dress with her legs open. And Louis and told me, like, would you show us your pussy? And she literally not. It was a. It was a move I've never seen perfected like this. She just took two fingers, hooked the inside of her Spanx and yanked over to her other knee.

[D]

She pulled her pussy to the side.

[A]

No, the Spanx, the shorts. I know. And then her pussy, like, just. That's why I said pulled her pussy out.

[C]

You know what kind of strength that takes to move Spanx like that? You could rip a phone booth in half.

[A]

That's crazy. She. She literally just went. Yep. And that when I say she took.

[C]

Her pussy out, she stuck a walnut in there and spat out a shell.

[A]

Dude, it was fucking wild in the.

[D]

Face with a ping pong.

[A]

If I was going to feed her pussy, I would flat palm it.

[C]

Good girl.

[A]

Good girl.

[C]

No sudden movements.

[A]

Oh, man. Okay. Hey, guys. You ever wake up in the morning and just feel soft? Like your coffee is warming your hands but not doing a damn thing for your balls or your brain? Well, that's why they created body Brain Coffee. It's not just coffee. It's coffee with purpose. Specifically testosterone. Packed with clinically backed ingredients. This isn't your girlfriend's oat milk latte. This is for men who want to get their edge back in the gym, in the boardroom, and yeah, the bedroom too. And it's not just about testosterone. Body Brain is also built to dial in your focus, clarity, and mood, thanks to lion's mane, Ashwagandha and L Theanine. So while your basic brew is giving you the jitters in a crash, Body Brain coffee is helping you stay sharp, calm, and locked in, all while supporting your natural T levels. If you're serious about your energy, your mindset, and your masculinity, it starts with what you put in your cup. And you can save 15% today with the promo code ZOO15.Z O [e-mail] that's bodybraincoffee.com promo code ZOO15. Power your day. Fuel your drive. Let's get back into the program. Slither. Next thing the bear writer says old white lady got him kicked off NYC train. Shannon.

[B]

Okay, so it seems like what happened was before I show you the video Is this. This guy comes on, and he was sitting, like, with his feet up on the chair next to him. So this older lady was like, put your feet down. And then she told, I think, the train conductor. And then the train conductor calls the cops. The cops come and they're like, you have to, like, take your feet down. And then he starts recording and freaking out about it.

[A]

White woman said she didn't like the way I was sitting on the train. So you call the police. You call the police to arrest the one black dude on the train. I am. I haven't done anything illegal. I haven't done anything illegal. I haven't done anything illegal. I am sitting on a train and.

[D]

One white woman didn't like my presence.

[A]

Resisting what? Resisting what? What are you. What are you trying to arrest me for? I was sitting on a train. I was sitting on a train, and you're trying to arrest me for what? I don't even know what. Guess the bear's not paying that good, huh?

[C]

Hey, Metro. Metro north tickets aren't cheap.

[A]

No, they're not, but you just got another one.

[C]

Here's the thing. Total, total miscarriage of justice and abuse of state power should not have been done. But if you've ever ridden Metro north, and I am a frequent flyer, if people are breaching etiquette, you kind of want to see their day get ruined. That would be a part of me.

[A]

As the feet on the seat across from you on Metro North. It's way more egregious than the subway.

[C]

Absolutely. The subway is made of filth. We all understand.

[A]

The Metro north is still got some decorum.

[C]

This is fake leather, baby. We're going through. We're going through Greenwich.

[A]

You know, I. I 100 agree.

[C]

Yeah. It's a classic no winners scenario.

[A]

Yeah. And I feel like it. There's no reason to say that I'm the only black dude on this train.

[C]

I mean, it's going to Connecticut. It was implied.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

If they already stopped at Bridgeport, all.

[A]

The black people have gotten off, sir. Unless you're performing at a.

[C]

What's the stress factory?

[A]

Yeah, unless you're performing at other stress factory. The stress factory. No one wants to perform at that dude. I. The last time I did that, it was me and Aaron Berg, and the entire first three rows were a family reunion on airbrush T shirts. And I went on, watched Aaron go on, and I stood outside And I went, 20, 19, 18. And then I just hear, man, that was some. And the whole family comes out. Can we see the rest of that channel stress factory.

[C]

Beautiful little theater. But it's right next to the smokestacks.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You're trying to arrest me for because a white woman resisting. What am I being arrested? Train put handcuffs on. I guess they're used to it. They don't know. They just pointed. They just saw the black guy and they arrested him. 11220.

[C]

Sir, we're taking you into custody for pretending that the bear is a comedy.

[A]

Sir, we're taking you to custody for not putting as much effort into the later seasons.

[C]

You're under arrest for Emmy's category fraud.

[A]

You've peaked with a Christmas episode. I think he was quick to jump with the racism.

[C]

Yeah, I guess we didn't see what led up to that. I mean, is it beyond my imagination that a Fairfield county old lady got overly skittish around a young African American man? No, it is not.

[A]

Absolutely. Without a shadow of a doubt, a very astute observation.

[C]

There's gonna be. They're gonna be quick to the phones, but, like, what do they arrest him for?

[D]

Yeah, Is there anything else in the article?

[B]

He actually. He wasn't like actually arrested. They put him in cuff so that they were able to remove him from the train because he wouldn't get off the train. And then they cited him for disorderly conduct and he got right on the next train.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

He's fine.

[A]

Yeah, I could see. I can see both sides.

[D]

But what was the disorderly?

[B]

Because he. He wasn't getting off the train when they. When they told him to get off the train, I guess he had his.

[A]

Feet up, she complained, and then. That's where I'm missing context.

[B]

Say that again. Sorry.

[A]

So he had his feet up supposedly.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

She told him to take his feet down.

[B]

Yeah. And she told the. The conductor. I believe it was the conductor that actually called the cops.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And. Yeah, and then he like caused a scene. Wouldn't get off the train. So that's the disorderly conduct part.

[A]

Okay. I don't know. Seems. Seems like a slow news day. And he was one of the. I say no winners, lose, lose.

[C]

Yeah, Classic no winners scenario.

[A]

Lose, lose. Sich on that one. Okay, moving on.

[C]

Get your feet off the goddamn.

[A]

Yeah, I agree with that one.

[C]

And stop calling the cops for every little fucking thing.

[A]

Yeah. My only problem with the north is such a fat person problem. It's whenever it's the holidays. Because, listen, sometimes you get there early, your train's not there for like a half an hour.

[C]

Yeah. You're standing on that hot platform or.

[A]

If you're upstairs in Grand Central during the holidays, you're not allowed to sit down. Truly now there's no chairs, and I'm a giant man, and my knees are going to explode. I'm holding bags. I'm going on a trip.

[C]

And there's national guardsmen with AR15s, like, pointing them at you. If you try to sit on.

[A]

If you try and Apple Store. Not even the stairs. If you, like, go to your gate and, like, sit down with your back on the wall, an Indian guy will come over from security. There's no sitting. No, no, no, no, no, no. And I think it's because they're afraid of tourists seeing homeless people.

[C]

That could definitely be it. You got to get your shoes shined. That's the work.

[A]

That's the move.

[C]

Go sit down.

[D]

That's a great idea.

[C]

And then flee when it's time.

[A]

Yeah, but, yeah, it's crazy that there's. Dude, when I say there's nowhere to sit in Central, even they took the chairs out in the restaurant, the eateries downstairs, now they're all standing tables.

[C]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

And I think it's because they just. They want to discourage anybody from, like, parking or making camp. Even though it's like. I'm sure you can tell, like, if I was there for three hours and, like, had set up a meal and put out a cardboard sign, I'd say, yeah, tell me to get up. But when I'm obviously waiting for a trade, I know I have a homeless thing about me. Back when I used to sell tickets, the amount of people that just walk up and hand me a dollar and go, I'm sorry. Good luck. Which, by the way, if I'm this fat and homeless, that's bad priorities.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You're a king on the streets.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Man robs bank to get away from wife. And what is he sentenced with Shannon to house arrest.

[C]

So cruel and unusual punishment.

[B]

Yeah, so they said that, like, he was, like, an elderly guy, and he didn't. He just did the whole thing where he, like, handed the note over to the teller.

[C]

I'm lonely.

[B]

And so because he was older, he had health issues, so they just. Yeah, they sentenced him to house arrest, and now he's just stuck with his wife forever.

[A]

Now, what's house arrest? You can't leave your block. You can't leave the house. What is the.

[B]

It doesn't. It doesn't say, like, what is it? Like, how far his vicinity.

[A]

Is that an anklet type sitch?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I want to be on the yard with my boys. I want to join the woods.

[B]

He also like. He. He like sat at.

[A]

Now what am I supposed to do with this swastika tattoo?

[C]

I already sharpened this toothbrush.

[B]

He sat at the bank just like quietly waiting for the cops to come. Like the whole thing was just a cry for help. He just wanted to get away from her. He wanted to go to jail.

[A]

Fuck. I was just reading something. It was. God damn it. It was some city where the homeless people basically had memorized what was the exact crimes to commit to get arrested just for the winter. And they said there would be this huge rise where it would be like not assaulting an officer, just battery but.

[C]

No assault with it.

[A]

They literally had like the tricks.

[C]

If you use a pool noodle to hit an off duty cop in the knees.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You'll only get six weeks.

[A]

Yeah. I think they were like. It was. I think it was some type of theft where they had figured out they.

[C]

Won'T let you out dollar amount.

[A]

Yeah. It was like the exact things to steal or whatever to do so that you would go in when it starts getting cold and get out as it warms up.

[C]

You steal one like stand mixer from Williamson and you're set for the winter.

[A]

I think that would be a vi. What do you think is worse? Jail or homeless? Depends on the set.

[D]

I think homeless would be. But I mean, I don't know. You at least have.

[A]

Oh, man. Because could homeless be like the bottom of the Titanic where, like there's homeless.

[C]

Parties, there's fun hangouts.

[D]

I guess. I guess you are complete. You are. It's the opposite.

[A]

You're.

[D]

You have complete freedom.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

If you're homeless, it's a more. Choose your own adventure. So I guess.

[A]

How much do you love structure?

[C]

If you're homeless.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you don't know where your next meal is coming from. But you could be in prison and like people are fucking with you taking your food. You could, you know, it could be just as bad or worse.

[A]

Now here the. The thing is there is homeless pussy, but it's homeless pussy. Is that better than prison pussy? Which would be. But probably because I said me and Faga were driving to a gig last year and there was like a roundabout we had to go over. And when I saw. I saw the king of New York, it was a homeless guy getting his dick sucked by a fully nude homeless woman while he spread her butt for cars to see as they did the roundabout.

[C]

So he was living Dave Chappelle's bit.

[A]

It was.

[C]

If a man could Fuck a woman in a cardboard box. He wouldn't buy a house.

[A]

It was hilarious. And she was going. I mean, she was putting in work, and I don't know what this transaction was, but they were making a real show of it.

[D]

Were they getting honks?

[A]

People were stopping. Dude. It was. It was, to be honest, not bad. She was. She must have been new. She must. She must have been really, really new to the game.

[D]

Is that your new category that you searched for online?

[A]

Oh, yeah. I'm the only one who ever watches interviews with new prostitutes. How long you've been in Phoenix.

[C]

You didn't see the guy with the 4K camera on the other side of the overpass who was just, like, recording it for.

[A]

Wait, do you know the category of video I'm talking about? Where they do. There? It's an entire, like, video series where they'll go to, like, bad neighborhoods and interview hookers. Where do you stay? How do you make your money? How'd you wind up here? And every once in a while, you see one, and you're like, I got it. And most of them pretty scary.

[D]

Most of the hookers are pretty scary.

[A]

Most of the hookers are pretty tough.

[D]

If you're out on the street, you got to be pretty tough.

[A]

Yeah. But every once in a while, you go. The hard part is because they ask them how old they are. Real hard to ballpark a hooker age.

[D]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. That's a fun game because the ones that look young might be old, and the ones that look old might be young. You can't really, because homeless years and regular years you age, it's like dog. It's like living on Mars.

[D]

Well, yeah. Your skin becomes more leathery.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You're outside more, and. Yeah, it's rough.

[A]

I'll do the. Shannon, can you. Do you know what I'm talking about, Shannon?

[B]

I don't.

[A]

Can you just. Can you go on YouTube and literally just write hooker man on the street interview and see if we find one.

[C]

It's Jay Leno. How'd you get in there?

[A]

What are we doing here?

[D]

How much? The menu tonight.

[A]

How much for me and my friend?

[D]

Any combo meals?

[A]

What do you want? There's a black guy laughing in the next seat.

[D]

All right, Kevin, take it away.

[A]

This is. This is Hookers and Cars with Jay Leno. That would be great. He just picks up a hooker and then talks to her about the car the whole time. He explains the history of the car they're in and then kicks him out.

[C]

You know, they stopped making them in this color in 1968.

[A]

This is very rare.

[C]

Dude, can I have some food?

[A]

Shannon, any good hooker interviews?

[B]

So, like, obviously soft white underbelly comes up a lot, but this is a different one. This is Detroit Street Walkers.

[C]

Oh, my God. How many views on this?

[B]

56,000.

[C]

6.

[A]

We don't have to give them the Terminator music.

[C]

They're headlining C rooms.

[A]

Do you have any kids? I got 10. You got 10 children? What do you think? About what? What you think they think about you out here doing this in your family? What they think they don't know. Where you from? I'm from Florida. Are you from Florida? So how did you start prostituting me? Practice, practice, practice. Give me the short version. I just wanted to.

[C]

The short version.

[A]

She eating an ice cube?

[B]

Yeah. Do you think he gave that to her as the payment for this interview?

[A]

Oh, here. No, no. Oh, yeah, One time. Yep. Where? Where you was at? East or west? You ain't got to say the location so they won't wind up in a situation like you. Head up.

[D]

And do not fall in this trap.

[A]

Okay. Oh, dang. Last but not least. How much? So we ain't gonna see you out here after today. Okay, but look, we back. We doing another. Oh, good.

[C]

This is brutal. But, like, come on now. There is some, I guess, value in content like this where it does make you want to get your life together.

[A]

It does, but it also makes me want to steal reserve orange. That's what she told me in previous interviews. Can we get you some help today, please? No. Okay. Can you think about it? I don't know. I mean, today, by the way, Jeremiah, this is. I'm just trying to help you get new characters. Next time. Next time. Dr. Phil needs a lighthearted character. Oh, perfect. I think. I think woman searching for a crack rock on the floor while cradling a steel reserve might be one of your hits. Okay. Okay. I recently unlocked a voice that I've been trying to find, and it was a guy I knew when I was like, 5 years old. And I finally found it again and I called my dad to confirm I was doing it right. So it was a guy who was a tugboat captain when my dad was working on boats. And his name was Charlie Smith, and he had 42 kids. He was a big black man that wore overalls. And this I know. He had 42 kids because he called them. He had 42 head of kid, and he was pretty good.

[C]

You gotta sensory.

[A]

Kid. His big. His catchphrase was all right, baby. And he had 42 head of kid. And he would go, all right, baby. Yeah, I got 42 head of kid. Yeah, some of them minty todded, but that's all right. They work. Some of them were mentally retarded, but it was all right because they work.

[D]

They work.

[A]

Alright. They work. And then one time I'm a little kid and they were cinching up a boat to his tugboat and I guess he didn't like the knots they had. And he went, man, I wouldn't pull my dick that.

[D]

Wouldn't pull his dick.

[A]

And I called my dad. It just all came back to me in one flush. And one thought he goes, oh, yeah. Charlie Murphy, 42, had a kid that wouldn't pull his dick.

[C]

He worked on a tugboat.

[A]

He was a tugboat captain. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And they had 42 kids banjo playing, palm tree.

[A]

Yes, of course. No. And he had 42 kids because he would go up and down the east coast on a tugboat and live in a new town every few months and get a lady pregnant.

[C]

We used to be a proper country.

[A]

Sound freeing?

[D]

It's. I mean, it sounds like a. Like a Huck Finn character.

[A]

He was the best.

[D]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[A]

All right, baby.

[D]

Sounds like a fun guy to hang.

[C]

Out with for sure.

[A]

All right, moving on. What do we got here, baby? Sure. Scuba diver Rob's Disney Springs restaurant jumps into pond to escape Shannon.

[B]

Okay, so I'm going to show you. This is the restaurant the paddlefish Rob.

[C]

The lobster tank blind.

[B]

So the, the people that were working there, they were closing out, I believe, and they were just counting out the register and all of a sudden this guy just shows up in scuba gear. I believe he changed out of it. So here he's like covering the camera, but he changed out of it at some point and then back into the scuba gear with the money that he stole and just went back into the water and they have not found him.

[A]

Oh, an actual successful crime.

[B]

Yeah, they just said he is a 5.5foot tall. He had a blue beanie that he was wearing when he.

[A]

Hold on, we've eliminated a number of races. Five feet.

[C]

All right, so Norwegians are out.

[A]

Yeah. So what did this Mexican dishonor?

[B]

It says just five foot tall. Five foot ten inches tall.

[A]

Oh, five foot ten.

[B]

Yeah, five foot ten with a slim physique. And he did. He switched out of the wetsuit into tight clothing with a blue beanie.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I don't know why he.

[A]

Switched out and a tuxedo under that.

[C]

If they list him at six feet in the article, this guy will turn himself in.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

If they're looking for a five. Well, I guess you got me.

[A]

You got big, tall me. And how much did he get?

[B]

I think it was like two. It just says thousands of dollars.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It doesn't say exactly how much.

[A]

Can we see it one more time?

[B]

This? This?

[A]

No, no, the. Yeah, I guess that's a good move. All right. Good for him. I take it, baby. All right. Keeping it moving. Sorry. This is. We do morning Zoo news. Beer lovers show their strength at NYC Stein holding contest.

[B]

I thought you might like this one. So this happened in Queens. Apparently they do it every year and they just have to see who holds the stein for the longest contest that.

[C]

Involved drinking and physical strength. Happened in Queens. You don't say.

[B]

Well, they can't drink it until they lose. They have to just hold it up. But I have a. I found the video of the whole thing. We can kind of click through.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

So this is the beginning. This is towards the beginning. They said it weighs about five pounds. Just gonna click through it. So I believe the girl that lasted the longest was about five minutes. And the guy that lasted the longest is about 25 minutes.

[C]

I mean, five minutes is legit.

[A]

The five minutes sounds horrible.

[C]

I've been to Oktoberfest. I've had those beers. They're fucking heavy.

[A]

Now, this might be rude to ask, but if you do this long enough, is there now pressure on your arm so that when you don't have a stein in your hand, your arm just goes.

[C]

They go up into the old Roman.

[B]

I believe this is the guy that wins.

[A]

He's struggling, but you know what? He's using his belly.

[D]

We're at a time of 22 minutes and 7.

[A]

23 minutes and 20 seconds.

[C]

Everyone else already quit. He's just going against himself. He's just battling the history books.

[D]

That's so long.

[B]

The prize was $4,000.

[A]

Okay, that's a good prize.

[C]

That's pretty good price.

[A]

That's a really good prize. Usually you just have to go to another contest. Yeah, when they do those hot pepper contests, that's like a grand tops. And that you up for days. Have you seen the. The metal stein that they do?

[C]

No, it's.

[A]

It's. I think it's like £20. And the bit is if you can drink from it without spilling, it's like a strength contest. That thing looks fucking wild.

[C]

I went to. Went to Oktoberfest when I was in college. And like, we were pulling in on the train on, like, Friday or whatever. And we saw these people in Lederhosen literally crawling on their hands and knees on the train platform. And I was like, we're all laughing at them. Like, how do these people get that fucked up off of beer? These idiots. Literally 24 hours later. That was. Usually we all got separated. We were vomiting all over Munich. Crawling. People got. People lost their possessions. It was a disaster.

[A]

I never get how people get that hammered either.

[C]

But it's outdoor drinking, and it's 5.2% alcohol. All of it. All beer in Germany has to, like, meet certain standards. So they, like, haven't changed.

[A]

They're a little strict over there. Just numbers.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Percentages. Pureness.

[C]

Purity.

[A]

Yeah. The Stickler family. Yeah, I've heard about them. I could get. We used to go. Go to a German festival for my grandma. It was in Schutzen Park. It was a retirement home in New Jersey. And they would get all the old German ladies out of their retirement home for the weekend to make potato pancakes and.

[C]

And they would slaughter a boar.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It was real, real weird because they would play the German national anthem first.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I gotta tell you, in no context does the German national anthem sound appropriate. Especially when everyone's like, pretty sure we fought a war. 80, 90. It's a little.

[C]

That's right in the sweet spot.

[A]

It's got some connotations to it. Fun time, though. All right, let's get one more thing out of here. Shannon, what do you want to finish us out on?

[C]

But if you've never been to the Japanese air show, you are missing out. Grand finale in that one.

[A]

In China, you need to watch ads to get toilet paper at public toilets.

[C]

Oh, it's literally that show.

[A]

Oh, is that a show?

[C]

There was a show where, like, you could pay for stuff. Black Mirror. Yeah. Or is it Black Mirror? Or there was another similar one where, like, there was an episode to you and. And, like, read ads to you so you could pay for stuff.

[D]

There was an episode on Black Mirror. I mean, yeah, I'm sure that there's a couple things out now, but there was. There's a great episode of Black Mirror where basically this guy's wife needs health care, and they basically roll out her healthcare plan, kind of like a cell phone plan. And, like, if she goes out of coverage area, like, she literally, like, passes out and he. She has to go back, and then he has to keep upgrading the plan to keep his wife alive and not sleeping in sleep mode all day. And it's.

[C]

It's crazy.

[A]

That is wild.

[D]

It's insane. It's a great episode that shows.

[A]

Stresses me out.

[C]

The guy who doesn't know the difference between Black Mirror and then Living Color. What's the wrong one on.

[A]

Shannon?

[B]

Tell us about this so I can show you this. It's. I don't think it's in English, but I'll show you this little clip here.

[A]

Oh no. This is a nightmare for me because I. I go through a lot of paper. I'm wasteful.

[D]

Insane.

[A]

That's. I would need to watch.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I would need to watch 85 ads to take a shit. It would be insane.

[C]

Someone waiting outside the bathroom just here.

[A]

I would know 15 minutes could save.

[C]

You 15% or more on car.

[A]

I would know so much about stamps.com. it would be. I would know every guy go, yeah, try better help.

[D]

It's like I'm trying audible.

[A]

Yeah, dude, that would be brutal for me. I can't imagine that'd be bad. And is that all public toilets or is that certain places? Shannon?

[B]

I think they're saying. I think that they're rolling it out to all of them and that there is an option. If you don't want to watch the ad, then you could pay what the equivalent of US dollars would be US$0.07 per strip of toilet paper that you need.

[A]

Probably worth it in the long run.

[D]

I mean. Yeah. Take a dollar dump.

[A]

I'm fine with that. Right? I could. I could waste $7 a day.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Dude. I read a thing the other day that said the average person shits once a day. If I'm included in those numbers, there's eight people that don't shit in weeks. Yeah. There's people that I don't think have ever shit. If you include my numbers in that.

[D]

What are you. What are your numbers? What kind of numbers?

[A]

You post to a morning to a morning to a morning to. Absolutely.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I have. So Mrs. Amico gets up at 6. So she has a 5:45 alarm. The Zacho poop alarm. Because if she locks the door, it's a problem. I immediately have to ship. So I get up and then when my alarm goes off around 9:15, that's number two. And then I would say I've got a good one in me. Afternoon. Like a 5:15. That's a.

[D]

That's a lot.

[A]

Really?

[D]

I think so.

[A]

JP. How much?

[C]

There's a guy in your neighborhood who blows a horn. It's like the Islamic call to prayer. Exactly. You know what she.

[A]

Everyone just faces the other way. How. What are we doing today?

[C]

I'm keeping it pretty normal. Probably one a day.

[A]

One a day?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

My. My morning shit is. It's like. It's like Kill Bill. It's an event film. I know I got a second one in me. I don't know. Maybe I'm cutting it off too early. I'm afraid of sitting there forever and Kevin Smith and. And ripping my asshole.

[D]

I don't know that story.

[A]

Years ago. Kevin Smith. This is like when he was real heavy because he used to play Game Boy on the toilet and his doctor told him to stop.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he got an anal fissure.

[C]

It's like, well, Kevin, you're getting too good at Game Boy.

[A]

Yeah, well, my issue is a life. Once if I'm on my phone while I'm. I dig both my elbows into my thighs and then both my legs fall asleep. So I gotta. I gotta really.

[C]

You choke yourself out, essentially.

[A]

And then I'm just. I'm paralyzed.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I have to like, wall walk myself through the house until my legs come back. Shannon, I know you don't shit. Jorge, how many times we shit in a day, dog?

[D]

I would say on a normal day, like three.

[C]

Three or four. Definitely a morning shit every day.

[A]

All right.

[C]

And then typically, like one when I get home and then probably one before bed.

[A]

Well, here. Zoo files out there. Tweet me za spook show. Let me know how many times you should. A day. We're going to take a poll actually. Shaggy, can we put out a poll?

[B]

Yes, I can actually put it up on the. On the YouTube.

[A]

Fantastic.

[C]

You start to lose ad revenue because sponsors realize that your fan base is too unhealthy to be alive. It's like, no, these it's not worth.

[A]

Because I feel like. I feel like three is not crazy. I really do. Five. I'm trying to think now. I feel like three is not crazy. Am I not? Jeremiah? Jeremy, you probably. You shit once a day, it's shaped like a banana, and it's all perfect health.

[D]

No, no. I mean, I have a lot of diarrhea.

[A]

Come on.

[D]

I do.

[A]

Come on. Diarrhea. Don't even. Don't even start with me. Diarrhea. After I shit. It looks like guar just played, by the way. Did you. I love this new generation of people that are reacting to guar right now.

[C]

I've never seen gwar before. No.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Wasn't he on. They went on Ian's podcast, Right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the new singer. Yeah, that's the new singer. Oh, yeah. Oder has passed away a few years ago. But it's so funny watching, like the Post pick it up and shit. Like, Guard decapitates Elon Musk on stage. I'm like, you mean the doll they've been decapitating for 30 years? That's whoever's in the news. Like, I've seen them. I think I've seen them decapitate every president since. At least since Bush Jr. Oh, I've seen him do Obama, Bush Jr. I've definitely seen Trump. Yeah, I think I've seen everybody. The. I was. They. They gave Taylor Swift an abortion at. At the gathering. That was pretty sweet. And yeah, then they killed sure. They. They ripped Trump's got open. Shannon, do you have what I'm talking about?

[B]

I. I just found the. Where they're beheading Elon. Let me just start here. I think it goes on to that.

[A]

Also.

[B]

This might be a reaction video.

[C]

We're looking very strongly into Guarantee.

[B]

And then I think they do go into Trump here.

[A]

Yeah, they. The Trump's got a big stomach and they rip it. They rip the. The tummy off and play with his organs. That can't be news to people, right? That. That's what Guard does. Jp, you're. You're not somebody I would expect to see at a Guar show. Is that fair?

[C]

I'm tangentially familiar with Guarantee to the.

[A]

Would you be like, shocked to know that.

[C]

I would not be shocked. I'd be shocked if they came out there and they played like Ride like the Wind or something. The. You know, if they're decapitating people and spraying latex all over the crowd and that's.

[A]

I know exactly how we're going to end today's show. Shannon, please look up Guar's cover of Carry On My Wayward Son. Oh. And we're going to close out on that. I want to thank my wonderful guests. Jeremiah Watkins, please support Stand up on the Spot and trailer tales. JP McDade, please support him out on the road. He's got stuff he's going to post very soon. Both very funny, very wonderful dudes. I appreciate your time greatly. We're going to play that GWAR song on the way out. Shannon, did you find it?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Let's do that. And thank you guys so much. And we will see you on the Friday exclusive episode here on the Morning Zoo. Goodbye, the fun's begun.

[C]

No sleeping in Noon is morning Time.

[A]

To hit Papa Mako Chug it down just like a favorite old beast clown Grab a call bear and join the crew. It's Akamiko Morning suit.

[D]

It's Zach.

[A]

Amico morning too.