0055. Jacob Williams and Tim McLaughlin

Summary

Podcast Summary: Zac Amico's Morning Zoo – Episode 0055

Guests: Jacob Williams, Tim McLaughlin
Date: October 24, 2025
Host: Zac Amico
Network: GaS Digital

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Episode Overview

This episode of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo is a riotous, explicit, and offbeat take on the week’s weirdest news and bizarre stories, delivered with the high-energy camaraderie of comedians Zac Amico (host), Jacob Williams, and Tim McLaughlin. The episode weaves through dark humor, personal anecdotes, and crude observations, delivering unpredictable laughs centered on topics like unfortunate marketing blunders, genetic confusion, naked comedy shows, and the perils of cruise-ship living. Perfect for listeners who enjoy unfiltered, quick-witted banter from New York comedy’s fringes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introductions and Plugs

• Plugs (02:57–04:12):
  • Jacob Williams promotes his YouTube special "Unemotional Rollercoaster" and new OnlyFans page (no nudity but bonus comedy: “No full nudity, no polar, no hole. But I've…” – Jacob Williams [03:10]).
  • Tim McLaughlin highlights the Great Hang podcast and teases a rage-bait Instagram series.

2. The JCPenney Hitler Teapot Meme

• Discussion (05:41–11:01):
  • The group examines a notorious JCPenney billboard where a teapot’s shape resembled Adolf Hitler, sparking viral controversy.
  • Zac Amico jokes: “T kettle just plays Hitler speeches when the tea’s ending.” [07:46]
  • They riff on optical illusions and the misinterpretations of design (“Am I crazy, or does this teapot look like Hitler?” – Shannon Harrington [11:20]).
  • Sidebar on Michael Graves (designer vs. singer with controversial reputation).

3. Accidental Hitler Mustaches & Cultural Taboos

• Discussion (11:32–11:58):
  • Zac recounts a Cinco de Mayo story in which an attempt at a costume mustache unintentionally transformed his appearance into Hitler (“Halfway through the show… it’s just me as Hitler for no reason.” – Shannon Harrington [09:46]).
  • The pod examines the social impossibility of redeeming the Hitler mustache, even referencing Michael Jordan’s infamous Fruit of the Loom ad (10:08).

4. Darkly Comic News: Incest, Child Abuse, and Genetic Paternity Fears

• Story (11:47–14:05):
  • Discusses a news item about a man who believes he may be the biological father of his own younger brother due to sexual abuse by his mother and the complications in genetic testing.
  • “Might be father to his own brother.” – Shannon Harrington [12:05]
  • Deeply irreverent and uncomfortable humor ensues about genetics and early puberty.

5. Puberty, Catholic Guilt & Sexual Exploration

• Discussion (14:05–16:19):
  • The crew discusses personal experiences with puberty and masturbation, often through the lens of Catholic guilt and confessional awkwardness.
  • Jacob Williams tells of confessing “I had lust” at Catholic school [14:16].
  • Zac Amico falsely claims, for the joke, he self-sucked before he masturbated: “I only sucked myself off for the first 12 years.” [15:15]

6. Naked Comedy and Body Acceptance

• Stories (16:35–20:31):
  • Multiple stories about performing in Naked Comedy Show and the festival’s infamous Naked Roast Battle.
  • Reminiscence on comedians’ anatomy, crowd etiquette (“only one random naked guy in the crowd is way weirder than a bunch of naked people” – Shannon Harrington [18:30]).
  • Transition stories and “donating” a penis: “If someone wants to cut their hog off, they could give it to donate it.” – Zac Amico [24:21]

7. Transgender Surgery, Body Questions, and Crude Curiosity

• Fun Facts and Questions (24:32–27:50):
  • Playful but graphic musing on sex reassignment surgery: “So if you have a giant dick, do you get a giant pussy?” [24:43]
  • Micah Fox explains different surgical methods (some can self-lubricate using intestinal tissue): “New technology… using mucus-producing tissue from the intestine… the neo vagina.” [27:17]
  • Jokes about Matrix references and “inverse dicks.”

8. Pregnancy Myths and Placenta Confusion

• Story (28:25–30:09):
  • A riff on RFK Jr.’s gaffe about babies “growing in the placenta,” leading to a mini-lesson on pregnancy anatomy and a running joke about family misbeliefs.
  • Zac Amico: “Every time he speaks, it sounds like he's misspeaking.” [28:44]

9. Physical Mishaps & Relationship Anecdotes

• Stories (30:09–32:11):
  • The comics swap stories of injuring eyeballs (Zac’s blanketed eye scrape; Tim’s lanyard injury).
  • Jokes about religious traditions and X-ray vision: “Now, Jews have X-ray vision. Everyone knows that. It helps them control their space lasers.” – Zac Amico [32:01]

10. Shoplifting and Security Theater (Burlington's “Minority Report”)

• Discussion (34:09–37:01):
  • Review of alleged facial recognition tech at Burlington to curb shoplifting.
  • Stories of personal shoplifting and retail jobs:
    • Shannon: “I was stealing eyeliner from a Duane Reade… The security guard just goes, ‘Man, 19, you old enough to know there’s right and wrong.’” [37:10]
    • Discussing the passive role employees must take: “You can yell at them, but you gotta just let them steal.” – Zac Amico [36:26]

11. Family Miscommunications & Generational Comedy

• Stories (39:07–44:14):
  • Humorous tales about family phone calls causing unnecessary panic (cryptic texts about “Granny”).
  • Jacob and Zac discuss elderly relatives sticking it out to 100 years, leading to a $10-a-year “grandmother’s mortality” bet:
    • “Let’s actually… do $10 per year.” – Zac Amico [42:42]
    • “A hilarious segment on the show is gambling on your grandmother’s mortality.” – Zac Amico [43:08]

12. Culture Shock: Elderly Encounters with Gay Pride

• Anecdotes (44:43–46:56):
  • Stories about elderly aunts stuck in NYC’s Pride Parade and family attitudes about the city’s diversity versus small-town assumptions.

13. Dads’ Penises, Generational Masculinity & Nut Stories

• Discussion (50:23–52:08):
  • Banter about whether they’ve seen their dads' genitals and generational pride/shame.
  • Jacob: “He had massive bush and definitely a way bigger dick than me.” [51:16]
  • Zac: “My dad was a ball-shower… big ball-shower but never… sounds like a real nut.” [51:43]

14. Disney Superfan Suicide and ‘Vacation Tragedies’

• Story (53:09–55:20):
  • News piece about a woman who died by suicide at a Disney World Hotel (a known spot for such incidents).
  • Jokes about Disney branding (“There’s no Tomorrowland.” – Jacob Williams [54:16]) and the dark humor in tragedy.
  • Speculation about cruise ship deaths and the “ice cream party means the morgue is full” urban legend.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Hitler Teapot:
  Zac: “T kettle just plays Hitler speeches when the tea’s ending.” [07:46]
  Shannon: “Am I crazy, or does this teapot look like Hitler?” [11:20]

• On Shoplifting Rules:
  Zac: “You can yell at them, but you gotta just let them steal.” [36:26]

• On Parental Phone Panic:
  Shannon: “Call me back right away, it’s about Granny.” [39:37]
  Jacob: “I had that yesterday… someone’s definitely dead for sure.” [41:27]

• On Body Acceptance:
  Zac: “If someone wants to cut their hog off, they could give it to donate it.” [24:21]

• On Generational Anatomy:
  Jacob: “He had massive bush and definitely a way bigger dick than me.” [51:16]
  Zac: “My dad was a ball-shower.” [51:23]

• On Gambling on Grandmothers:
  Zac: “A hilarious segment on the show is gambling on your grandmother’s mortality.” [43:08]

• On Disney Suicide:
  Jacob: “They should call it There’s No Tomorrowland.” [54:16]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Episode Intros & Plugs: 02:26–04:12
• Hitler Teapot Segment: 05:41–11:01
• Dark News (Incest/Paternity): 11:47–14:05
• Naked Comedy Stories: 16:35–20:31
• Transgender Surgery Curiosity: 24:32–27:50
• Pregnancy/Placenta Confusion: 28:25–30:09
• Shoplifting & Retail Security: 34:09–37:01
• Gambling on Grannies: 41:56–43:08
• Disney Hotel Suicide Discussion: 53:09–55:20

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Tone & Style

The show remains resolutely unfiltered, with a blend of dark humor, irreverence, and camaraderie. All topics—no matter how taboo—are treated as fodder for comedy, with an undercurrent of insider references and community-building via shared embarrassment.

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For Listeners

This summary captures the most engaging and funny moments, notable quotes, and uniquely chaotic spirit of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo. If you enjoy wild, boundary-pushing banter with an open-mic vibe and an emphasis on fringe comedy community, this recaps everything you need to know before diving into the (sometimes NSFW) full episode.

Transcript

[Zach Amico]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts. Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage? Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T mobile commercial like you teach me. So Dana.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them.

[Micah Fox]

It's designed to be the most powerful.

[Shannon Harrington]

Iphone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Zach Amico]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best.

[Micah Fox]

Nice.

[Shannon Harrington]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Zach Amico]

T mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition. So what are we having for lunch?

[Micah Fox]

Dude, my work here is done.

[Shannon Harrington]

The 24 month bill credit is on.

[Zach Amico]

Experience beyond for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credits ended balance due if you pay off.

[Shannon Harrington]

Earlier Cancel Finance Agreement.

[Zach Amico]

IPhone 17 Pro 256 gigs 1099.99 A new line minimum 100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required.

[Shannon Harrington]

Best mobile network in the US based on analysis by Oaklove Speed Test Intelligence Data 1H 2025 Visit t mobile.com Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go. Zach Amico's got a show. Animals are here to play jokes against you. Start your day till the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter waiting Don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and Jo the crew. It's a morning. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, it's a Monday and ain't it a fine happy morning Here on the Gas Digital Network, it's your other boy, the international superstar Zach Amico. And my guest is making sure it is not Monday and in fact is not. This is a pre tape because I had to go to a wedding and I didn't want to miss an episode. So Shannon and Jorge were very, very nice to come in on a Friday and tape this with me. Across the table from me, two very beautiful young boys who are very funny from the great Hang podcast with the lovely effervescent Micah Fox.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, absolutely.

[Shannon Harrington]

Tim McLaughlin. How you doing buddy?

[Zach Amico]

I'm doing very well, Zachary. What a nice Monday it is.

[Shannon Harrington]

It's quite the. And thank you for being here. And next to him from Wild N Out, as well as his special unemotional roller coaster, it's our friend, Jacob Williams. How you doing, Doug?

[Jacob Williams]

Doing good. Better than the gorilla with the green screen. It looks like he Got decapitated.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, no.

[Jacob Williams]

But, yeah, excited to be here.

[Shannon Harrington]

Well, thank you guys very much for being here. I appreciate your time greatly. Let's get plugs out of the way. Mr. Williams, what do you want people to check out?

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, yeah, I do have a special on YouTube called Unemotional Rollercoaster. And then I'm on social media, like instagram and stuff. MarJacobWilliams. I'm. I just taped a set for OnlyFans TV and I have an OnlyFans page now.

[Shannon Harrington]

Hell, yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

No full nudity, no polar, no hole. But I've.

[Shannon Harrington]

What about just one nut? Put a little bit of it out there.

[Jacob Williams]

I do have a picture of me in a ball pit, like just at the color Factory. I don't know if that's anything, but I have a lot of bonus comedy on there. Check that out. Or I might sell pictures of my feed at some point if things get.

[Shannon Harrington]

Really bad, you should take a picture in the ball pit with one of your nuts out.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Jacob Williams]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. Go to jail. Yeah. Where's Walnut?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

What do you want people to check out?

[Zach Amico]

Of course, I would love everyone to listen to the great Hang podcast with myself and the very funny Micah Fox. And if you want, you can check me out @hot_comics69 on Instagram. I'm starting a new mildly funny rage bait series where I just. I'm going to try to get people to interact with me and it's not particularly going to be good in any way, but I'm going to try to get those numbers up, baby. So Hot underscore Comics 69 on Instagram. If you could follow that, that would be absolutely fantastic.

[Shannon Harrington]

Fantastic. Hey, you can follow me on Instagram at. Zach is not funny. You can see my dates at Punchup Live, Zach Amico. And I'll be on tour doing commentary for Juggalo Championship wrestling. I leave on the 21st, and I'm out on the road with the clowns through Halloween, ending up in Detroit. So if you're in the Detroit area, come party with your boy on devil's night. If you're watching right now and you're not subscribed to Gas Digital Network, well, boy, howdy, have I got something for you to do. Go to gas digital.com today, constantly update in the website and use my promo code, zoo. And you get a little money off your subscription. You get episodes early ad free and uncensored. You get the live chat, you get the archives. That's right. Thousands and thousands of hours of all your Favorite gas digital shows over the years. Plus, you get our Friday episode. That's right. We do three of these a week. And that bonus Friday episode you can only get if you subscribe. So try it out and see if you like it and get the full morning Zoo experience. But regardless, however you consume the show, thank you so much for watching. I wanted to start with this. This just made me laugh. And Shannon told me it's from 2013, but I don't care. It really made me love Shannon. Is there a way you can just pull up a still of the billboard while. So this is a billboard that was taken down because people misconstrued what it was.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, so this is a teapot from JCPenney.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, it looks like.

[Shannon Harrington]

And people complained that it looked like Hitler.

[Zach Amico]

It does.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That's what I did not see.

[Shannon Harrington]

A teapot.

[Jacob Williams]

That was what I saw first. Yeah, it's like those illusions with the vases where it's like two faces.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

And then it'll be Bill Cosby or whatever. Oh, there's one that's. It's. It'll be like a cheeseburger. And it'll be like, squint your eyes. And it's John Cena.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, right.

[Shannon Harrington]

Or Steve Harvey.

[Jacob Williams]

There's all those AI things.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I like the Steve Harvey cheeseburger. I like that one a lot.

[Shannon Harrington]

South park version of that really looks like Hitler. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Wow. That's crazy.

[Jacob Williams]

Damn.

[Shannon Harrington]

That has to be somebody new, right? Oh, can you bring up the video? What makes me think somebody new might be a little inside baseball. Okay, well, let's see the video real quick.

[Jacob Williams]

Supplemental Disney messages.

[Zach Amico]

And who do you think these pennies they're advertising to? Her for?

[Shannon Harrington]

JC Pennies. Advertise a tea kettle juice. Crave pennies.

[Zach Amico]

Sorry, Zach, you're too good on a Monday.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, if. If those don't sell, they're going to go to a secondary store like 6 million below.

[Jacob Williams]

Some funny comments on that, too.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, man.

[Jacob Williams]

Nine out of ten.

[Shannon Harrington]

Nine out of ten. This is mine handle. This is mine spout.

[Zach Amico]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Shannon Harrington]

And.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, what an Internet buzz it created, because in the eyes of some people, the tea kettle bore a strong resemblance to Adolf Hitler. Will you be the judge?

[Shannon Harrington]

This is what the tea kettle looks like on the JCPenney website.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Here's what the billboard looked like. And here's a picture of Hitler. Okay. In case you need to know what Hitler looks like. Thanks. That advertises a tea kettle now being sold by. I mean, so if you go to the the can you. Where it says it's from JCPenney. It's the Michael Graves collection.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

Michael Graves, Michael Mass graves. Michael Unmarked graves.

[Jacob Williams]

I mean, Hitler was always fueling to, like, a pedal, so.

[Shannon Harrington]

Dude, that would be great, though. T Kennel just plays Hitler speeches when the teaser ending. Michael Graves was one of the singers of the Misfits, who's a white national guy who's been accused of being a white nationalist. Oh. So I wonder if somebody uploaded that as a joke with his name on it or it just could be another Mike Shannon. Is there a brand name Michael Graves?

[Micah Fox]

So I looked it up, and it is coming up. There's like, videos, but I don't know if they're like conspiracy bureaus videos where it says, michael Graves, iconic postmodern toaster.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay. Because my Graves is also just happens to be. That's. He's a singer from the Misfits who can't book gigs now.

[Zach Amico]

Oh.

[Shannon Harrington]

Because he's. He's done a lot of interviews about his conservativeness.

[Zach Amico]

I was. I was listening to another podcast. I'm sorry, Zach. I was listening to Last podcast on the Left on my way here, because they're doing a Heinrich Himmler thing for, like, World's Evilest Guys, and they were talking about Hitler does the thing like this because it's like he's accepting the heil towards him. But also it turns out it hurt his shoulder too much to actually do it back. That's why he does the little gay hand.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's. Oh, wow. That's why he gets the curtsy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah. It'd be pretty easy. I'm not going to demonstrate, but it seems pretty easy.

[Zach Amico]

Jacob, do it for the people.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. Come on.

[Jacob Williams]

I don't need that little context.

[Shannon Harrington]

A couple years ago, Chad, when did we do Cinco de Mayo? And I, they said, I think it.

[Zach Amico]

Was on May 5, but it was.

[Shannon Harrington]

A year, a couple years ago. Right. Maybe not that long ago. So we did it, and they went out and bought mustaches and sombreros, but I cut my mustache on either side, so that was just the middle.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

And then halfway through the show, I took my sombrero off and I swooped my hair over. I was like, it's hot in here. And as I did it, Derek and Dave from no need for Apologies walked in. They just walk in. I went, hey, guys, how you doing?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, no, Zachary.

[Shannon Harrington]

But it was all Cinco de Mayo decorations. It's just me as Hitler for no reason.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah. Jim Jeffries had a funny Hitler mustache joke.

[Shannon Harrington]

I Think there's nothing wrong.

[Zach Amico]

I think there's nothing wrong with Hitler either, Zach.

[Shannon Harrington]

I don't think it'll ever be okay because Michael Jordan tried it.

[Zach Amico]

He tried it. And he tried it very publicly.

[Jacob Williams]

That's wild.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, he tried in the Fruit of Loom commercials. Right. And because people will be like, oh, it's a Charlie Chaplin Lesser. No, it's not. No, it's done. Yeah. Yeah. Has anybody else ever pulled it off? Gigi Allen's brother has it, but he has it for evil reasons.

[Zach Amico]

Right. He has it to be a dickhead.

[Shannon Harrington]

To be evil. Yes, of course.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. Because it's the toothbrush mustache.

[Shannon Harrington]

Of course. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And you notice the people who have it the most are the least that use toothbrushes. So it's a.

[Shannon Harrington]

You know, the. The toothbrush was invented in Alabama.

[Zach Amico]

Is that true?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. Anywhere else, it would have been a toothbrush. That's an old Paul Amico. I like it. Paul Amico standard right there. So Hitler tea kettle. There we go. Got it. We got some mileage out of that.

[Zach Amico]

I like that. That's. I mean, it's just insane. No one saw it. That's the one thing where they put out these campaigns and no one saw it. Or it's the thing where they're like, they were too scared to just be like, I'm sorry. Maybe this because you don't want to be like, hey, I'd see Hitler in that.

[Jacob Williams]

No one else. Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Hey, is. Am I crazy, or does this teapot look like Hitler?

[Zach Amico]

Zach sees Hitler and everything. I can't look at anything without seeing Hitler.

[Shannon Harrington]

What an interesting Beauty and the Beast spin off, by the way. Taylor's all this Time. Do I like the Juice 9.

[Zach Amico]

I love it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay, let's. Let's. I don't want to be too negative. And this is a morning zoo, so let's keep it super happy and positive. Man raped as a child by his mother.

[Jacob Williams]

Wow. I know they were gonna put my business out there.

[Shannon Harrington]

Might be father to his own brother. Shannon.

[Jacob Williams]

Whoa. Chinatown.

[Micah Fox]

So get it, Jake.

[Shannon Harrington]

It's incest town.

[Micah Fox]

So the guy is 26 now, and he alleges his mother sexually abused him for years, starting when he was a child. She was convicted of attempted sexual assault and incest in 2015, and now he fears that his 15 year old younger brother, born when he was 11, may actually be his biological son. The issue is that they did paternity tests, but.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh. And it turned out he was 100% that bitch.

[Micah Fox]

It showed that Logan and His biological father matched the teen at 99.9%. So like the dad and this guy both match the same amount. So it's because, you know, they're all actually are related. And so he's trying to do like a more advanced genetic testing to confirm.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. 23. And me and mom. Yeah.

[Micah Fox]

He is. He is fighting for custody, though, because he does feel an obligation to the kid. Regardless, he's the dad or not.

[Zach Amico]

Wow.

[Micah Fox]

This is. This is them, by the way.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah, I see it. I see why the mom went after this guy. He's a freaking looker.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

Wow.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, a dumb question. Sure.

[Jacob Williams]

Go ahead.

[Shannon Harrington]

Everyone makes. Comes ease by 11.

[Zach Amico]

Jacob, go ahead, speak on that.

[Jacob Williams]

Probably around that.

[Shannon Harrington]

I don't remember. Right.

[Jacob Williams]

I don't remember exactly.

[Shannon Harrington]

Shannon, when. Google, when did. When do men start making. Comes ease with. With. With. You know, like the. The.

[Zach Amico]

With their moms.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yes, but like, you know, the loaded. The kind that. The kind with stuff in it. Not just. Not just a clear fluid times.

[Micah Fox]

It's got swimmers between 19, 9 and 14.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

I could have saved a lot of socks.

[Jacob Williams]

Still waiting.

[Shannon Harrington]

9 and 14. I feel like I might have been a late bloomer. I feel like I wasn't until like 8th, 9th grade.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, you got it under a microscope. You see your swimmers in there?

[Shannon Harrington]

No, I wasn't. I didn't jerk off. It. I. I was afraid to jerk off.

[Zach Amico]

Because of the sin of it all.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. I thought it would make me a bad person.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah. I went to a confession of her jerking off. I'm like, I had lust like I had. I went to Catholic middle school, so I'm like, I don't know. Sorry about that, dude.

[Shannon Harrington]

What a hot job for a pedophile.

[Jacob Williams]

Just sit.

[Shannon Harrington]

To sit in the other side of there and just tell me every. How do you do it? Which hand?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Slow, fast.

[Zach Amico]

And how many times. We need to recount all of them. So I know what your penance must be around.

[Shannon Harrington]

What time at night do you do this?

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, I remember. It was like a. I was. I didn't know what jerking off. I think I like read like a. A graphic novelization of that Batman and Robin movie with poison Ivy. And when poison Ivy showed up, I was like, oh, wow. I don't know what's going on, but this is like. I didn't know. All right. Something's happening.

[Shannon Harrington]

I didn't.

[Zach Amico]

I didn't jerk off probably till I was like 24, but I self sucked at 12, so I was only doing self sucks for the first 12 we seen your act.

[Shannon Harrington]

Wait, hold on.

[Zach Amico]

No, I'm just kidding.

[Jacob Williams]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, I just thought it'd be funny if I said I only sucked myself off for the first 12 years.

[Shannon Harrington]

Dude. I was about.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

I believe Josie Marcelino came in here and talked about her mother getting drunk and shitting on the floor on Christmas. And I thought I. And I couldn't. I couldn't. I haven't stopped thinking about it.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

And you almost pushed that out of my brain to think about you sucking your own Dick for 12 years.

[Zach Amico]

I got the head of my penis in my mouth one time.

[Shannon Harrington]

I feel like. Everyone I've talked to says it feels more like sucking a dick.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Than getting your dick sucked.

[Zach Amico]

Well, it just takes so much concentration.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I gotta think of myself as a hot.

[Shannon Harrington]

They said the same thing about that tea kettle.

[Jacob Williams]

I mean, there's a couple of comedians we know that, like, went through puberty at, like, 20 or 24, so I don't know. That's kind of wild, I guess.

[Shannon Harrington]

But I'm trying. I'm still thinking about something.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, I know. That's.

[Shannon Harrington]

I've never, you know, had the option. It's always been a big belly in the way.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And not.

[Shannon Harrington]

Not a lot of dick. Mmm.

[Zach Amico]

That's the problem, is it?

[Shannon Harrington]

What is? I feel like it's a ratio issue.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. You know, you'd get more dick if you lost weight, Zach.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, I'm aware. I've seen nude videos of myself from years ago, and I had much more dick.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I did, too.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

I did the naked comedy show yesterday, actually, and I feel like.

[Shannon Harrington]

How was it?

[Jacob Williams]

It was fun. I've done it a few times, but this is the first time I've done it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Where was it?

[Jacob Williams]

It was at this place, Hacienda. They do a lot of sex parties and stuff. There's. That's fun and. But this is the first time since I've had an only fan, so that was kind of interesting to have. I think there were people there that actually came to see me, so to speak.

[Shannon Harrington]

To see you naked.

[Zach Amico]

See the hog drooling. Was it hard to hear their laughs?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yes, they were.

[Jacob Williams]

But. Yeah, I feel like some people on that lineup looks pretty flexible. They might be able to pull it off, but. Yeah, I'm not sure.

[Shannon Harrington]

I feel like there wasn't. When I did the naked show, it was still at the creek.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's when I think. I think Allison Klemp was running it.

[Jacob Williams]

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And there's nothing better than smelling everyone's and piss while everyone else is naked.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. And there's cats. The person with the big hog on that show no longer has it.

[Zach Amico]

No.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, they transition.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. And it was a slap in God's face to get rid of that gift.

[Jacob Williams]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Rest in piss. Giant hog.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, dude, it was a.

[Zach Amico]

Just a hammer on him.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, yeah. And beautiful lady now.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Tall. Yeah. Tall lady. Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

Not.

[Shannon Harrington]

Not that tall. No, no. Nice big fakers, though.

[Zach Amico]

Nice. I like that.

[Shannon Harrington]

Nice big fakers. But I just remember everybody's dick was horrible. Except this at the time. Little gay guy.

[Jacob Williams]

Wow.

[Shannon Harrington]

And now. Now full on lady. The naked show was weird because when. I don't know if it was the same at this place, but they said to the crowd, you're allowed to also be naked.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, they did that. There were, like, three rows of naked people.

[Shannon Harrington]

See, when I did it, just one guy got naked.

[Zach Amico]

That's not good.

[Shannon Harrington]

Which is so much worse.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Than a room full of naked people. It's just one guy. Definitely autistic.

[Zach Amico]

Was he in the middle of the.

[Shannon Harrington]

Crowd, dead center, like he had never seen comedy before, and this was his shot, and they're like, oh, yeah. He comes to every one of these and just sits there naked and he was chubbed up. Oh, no, he was. He was enjoying the show.

[Zach Amico]

Were there people next to him or did they leave a space?

[Shannon Harrington]

No, there was this. There was. It was packed.

[Micah Fox]

Wow.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. So it was from that show that I stole the idea for Naked Roast because. Oh, that's when we were planning out the first skank fest. We were sitting in Ralph's apartment, and Lou's like, zach needs a show to host. And I go, what are the two stupidest shows in New York that I'm good at Both of? Yeah. And it was Naked show and Roast Battle. And then I think it was. I always take credit for it, but the real person came for Shannon. What was the name of Dave's old co host?

[Micah Fox]

I could see his face.

[Shannon Harrington]

Mike.

[Zach Amico]

I can see his hog now.

[Micah Fox]

Yes, it is. Mike. Something with a B. Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Like, I want to.

[Micah Fox]

Let me text Ralph.

[Shannon Harrington]

Whatever. He. He said, you should do Naked Roast Battle. And the second I heard it, I was like, I've got my show.

[Zach Amico]

Damn. Are you doing. You're doing one. This skank fest.

[Shannon Harrington]

I think we're doing two.

[Zach Amico]

Dear Lord.

[Shannon Harrington]

We got. We've been doing two because it packs out.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah. Have you been. Are you. Do you just take anyone who wants to be on Used to be.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

Or now? Now.

[Shannon Harrington]

It used to be Slim pickings.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

However Pickens have gotten, those are both.

[Jacob Williams]

Tough shows to get people to do, let alone the combination.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. It's still not easy, but we get a lot of volunteers.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

Because now, I mean, back then it was like begging people.

[Zach Amico]

Right.

[Shannon Harrington]

But now you also get a pass for the weekend.

[Zach Amico]

A ton of people come out and.

[Shannon Harrington]

Get a ton of attention.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

So, like, people kind of. It's a good. I always say it's like entry level position because I've met people that have then gotten the festival doing regular shows. Right. But they got there in like through that. But it is a lot. Sure, I try. So Harrington books it and he starts booking it pretty early because I get a lot of yahoos that want to do it.

[Zach Amico]

They're just pictures of their penis. Be like, zach, come on.

[Shannon Harrington]

Well, it'll be a lot of people that'll be like, I'm a comedian for 20 years. This, this, and this. And then they show up and I realize they've done stand up like eight times in 20 years.

[Zach Amico]

Right.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, yeah, I've met.

[Shannon Harrington]

Some of those are like the years. That's years ago. And they would just bomb and it was so uncomfortable. And then they would be like, mad and.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah. Bombing naked and stuff.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

You watch it go in, you watch it that. You watch the turtle go back of the shell.

[Zach Amico]

See, this is why I can't do it. Because I kill so hard. And then I think.

[Shannon Harrington]

You think again.

[Zach Amico]

And then all these ladies absolutely suck me. And then I gotta go home to Micah, who doesn't want any of it at all.

[Shannon Harrington]

Hey, guys, real quick. You ever wake up in the morning and just feel soft? Like your coffee is warming your hands, but not doing a damn thing for your balls or your brain? Well, that's why they created Body Brain Coffee. It's not just coffee. It's coffee with purpose. Specifically, testosterone, packed with clinically backed ingredients. This isn't your girlfriend's oat milk latte. This is for men who want to get their edge back. In the gym, in the boardroom, and, yeah, in the bedroom, too. And it's not just about tea. Body Brain is also built to dial in your focus, clarity, and mood. Thanks to lion's mane, ashwagandha and L Theanine. So while your basic brew is giving you the jitters and a crash, Body Brain coffee is helping you stay sharp, calm, and locked in, all while supporting your natural testosterone levels. If you're serious about your energy, your mindset, and your masculinity, it starts with what you put in your cup. You can save 15% today with the promo code [e-mail] that's Z [e-mail] powerbraincoffee.com power your day, fuel your drive. Let's get back into the show. So, ironically, the person with the largest hog on that naked show did naked roast years later.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

And still had their pecker and the tits. So they came out tucked and then spread their legs and unfurled. And this thing, it had a snap to it. And I found out later she had taken two Viagra.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, smart.

[Shannon Harrington]

Dude. This thing, I mean, was like the wacky inflatable tube, man. In front of a car dealership. It had a full, like.

[Zach Amico]

That's awesome.

[Jacob Williams]

That's cool.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. You know, like the dance the black people do in the end.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

It did a full pop lock.

[Jacob Williams]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Damn. That's incredible.

[Shannon Harrington]

Beautiful hug.

[Zach Amico]

That's awesome.

[Shannon Harrington]

On a very pretty lady.

[Zach Amico]

Cut or uncut?

[Shannon Harrington]

I don't remember. I want to say cut.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. You always want it to be, you know, deep down.

[Shannon Harrington]

I think so. Uncut. I'll never get the used to the side of it. Maybe it's because I love my own so much. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

I guess I'm uncut. But I heard it's, like, better for sex. Like, you feel.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, I'm sure it is.

[Jacob Williams]

It's, like, covered up most times, so then it's extra.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

[Jacob Williams]

And my mom told me that was part of the reason. Which is kind of weird that my mom's thinking about my sex life.

[Shannon Harrington]

She's like, well, in a few years, I want to make sure I enjoy this.

[Jacob Williams]

At least she wasn't the mom from. But yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Damn, that's awesome. That's sad that the hog, I wish that they could cut. Like, if someone wants to cut their hog off, they could give it to donate it. Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Donate a few inches.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Now, here's a question. So when they do the surgery, they inverse your dick, Right?

[Zach Amico]

Right.

[Shannon Harrington]

So if you have a giant dick, do you get a giant pussy?

[Zach Amico]

That's a good question. I asked this question.

[Shannon Harrington]

These are the important questions we're hitting hard on the show today.

[Zach Amico]

I was asking this on Being Ian the other week when we were on.

[Shannon Harrington]

What'S wrong with you?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. And then I. Then I.

[Shannon Harrington]

Why are you like this?

[Zach Amico]

Then I had to talk to Ian. No, but I. I said, does it feel better if you're fucking an inverse dick? Because it's basically, you're Putting your dick into another dick. Which gotta be pretty good, I would.

[Shannon Harrington]

Think like a Russian nesting dog. Yes.

[Zach Amico]

Right.

[Shannon Harrington]

I don't know.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like Shannon gets someone on the horn.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. I feel like there's probably lubrication issues. I feel like you gotta have.

[Zach Amico]

Sure.

[Shannon Harrington]

You gotta have extra. You gotta have tools.

[Zach Amico]

Right.

[Shannon Harrington]

Because it's not self lubricating. Right.

[Zach Amico]

I have to have tools even when I fuck regular ladies though. So it's not.

[Shannon Harrington]

I get it.

[Zach Amico]

Even the most beautiful trans women among us, I'd gotta have a million tools to get them to have a nice time.

[Shannon Harrington]

Because I feel like you can't like make it. You can't make it like a self cleaning oven. Like it's gonna still be a dick. Yeah, just inside out.

[Zach Amico]

God, I wish we knew more.

[Shannon Harrington]

Shannon, can you help us?

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, can you call Dr. Phil?

[Micah Fox]

I was trying to think of what words to type in the search.

[Shannon Harrington]

Do post op vaginas self lubricate?

[Micah Fox]

No, they. They don't. I mean, I think I know that answer, but I'll look it up.

[Zach Amico]

All right. And then also write reverse dick. Regular dick. Good question mark.

[Shannon Harrington]

Jorge, help us out here. What is your experience? Bread loving son of a. I love my bread.

[Jacob Williams]

No, I don't. I've never had experience with the trans post op vagina.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Or else I would. I would love to actually. That'd be.

[Jacob Williams]

I think I might try that this weekend.

[Zach Amico]

That's what Ian said too. He's never had the post op, only the pre op.

[Shannon Harrington]

I only know one person who's had sex with a post op vagina. Yeah. And I mean he's busy interviewing Nick Fuentes this week, so he's probably not going to take my call. Especially because he hates when people bring that up. He really wants that to go away. Yeah. What are you gonna do?

[Micah Fox]

Okay, so the. If it's made through the penile inversion method, there really isn't lubrication. But there's another way they can do it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Get out of town. Where they use new technology, they found a way to make it better, faster, stronger.

[Micah Fox]

It's a. In intestinal vaginal plasty. Vaginoplasty. And it says that. And it's using mucus producing tissue from the intestine.

[Shannon Harrington]

Hot.

[Micah Fox]

And it allows the neo vagina to be self lubricated.

[Shannon Harrington]

We're in the matrix.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

The neo vagina.

[Zach Amico]

Damn it. I got a fucking Morpheus vagina over here.

[Shannon Harrington]

Take the red pill or the blue pill. Well, because when you wake up, the, the, the.

[Zach Amico]

In the lips and yeah. Is the same skin that your balls are made out of.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

So we recently discussed this on the show.

[Jacob Williams]

Sure.

[Zach Amico]

I should have known that.

[Shannon Harrington]

I thought, and I guess I was wrong, that we all start as women in the. In when we're being formed, and then your ovaries drop, become testicles. But I guess before that, you're sexless and your body chooses what your body makes you, whatever you're going to be. I also recently found out I got in a little conversation, let's call it, about Man I respect greatly, RFK Jr. Sure.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

With Mrs. Amico, who's not a fan. And I guess he said, jack, you looked this up. Did he said. He said babies grow in the placenta.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, maybe.

[Shannon Harrington]

Now. I think he's a smart guy who misspoke.

[Zach Amico]

Sure. I mean, every time he speaks, it sounds like he's misspeaking.

[Shannon Harrington]

But Cheryl, she did a good job, started the balls.

[Zach Amico]

She did a good job on the.

[Shannon Harrington]

View the other day.

[Zach Amico]

I thought she. Because, you know, you're going in there and it's just gonna be a firing squad.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. And I thought she handled herself very well on it. She didn't get, like, mad or anything. She was just, here's what my husband thinks. Here's what I think, you know?

[Micah Fox]

Okay. So, yes, he did say it. It says, during a cabinet meeting in October 2025, he claimed that a pregnant woman he saw in a Tik Tok video was, quote, gobbling Tylenol with her baby in her placenta.

[Shannon Harrington]

All right, so my wife was. Brought that up. And then she. I guess she brought it up around her family, to which her brother and dad both also thought that the baby lives in the placenta. And then she looked at me like I'm a fucking retard, which is a frequent look I get. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I would assume it's.

[Shannon Harrington]

And she goes, what do you think that, too. She goes, what is the placenta? I went, it's what the baby eats.

[Zach Amico]

That's what I thought it was.

[Shannon Harrington]

She. They're thinking of the amniotic sac that the baby's in. And that's why, when you have the baby, the doctors tell the mom to either eat the placenta or they make it into pills to take because it has all the good nutrients. And she got so mad that I knew what I was talking about.

[Zach Amico]

I would assume at your house, Mrs. Amico has. Arresting. You are a face.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. Oh, boy, Buddy, we come home to the same face. I. I promise.

[Zach Amico]

Do you.

[Shannon Harrington]

Are you serious? Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I hit myself in the eye with the blanket the other day. And it, like the corner of the blanket scraped across, crossed my eye. And I'm telling you, Micah couldn't stop laughing.

[Jacob Williams]

Sounds painful.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's a hilarious thing.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I was at a comedy festival that they were filming for Comcast on Demand. Because I'm kind of like, really a big deal.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And in between sets, I was switching shirts. I took the lanyard. The corner of it cut my eyeball. It cut my eyeball. I have a set of me and my eye is swollen shut because I had to do a set immediately after. I tried to drink myself to sleep. It hurt so bad. I drove drunker than I've ever been to the optometrist. In the morning. I had to smell horrible. And they put like that little patch on there that numbs it. They put the numbing in there and then a patch on it. And I'm telling you, I couldn't have drank more in my life. It still hurt through all of the drinking. It was that bad of a pain.

[Shannon Harrington]

Wow. So now do you have a weak eye because of that? That's why a blanket could hurt it.

[Zach Amico]

No, I just have. My eyes are very susceptible to things just going in them. I'm just like, accident prone in general. I'm just an accident prone guy.

[Shannon Harrington]

Now, when you cut yourself in the eye with the blanket, did you.

[Zach Amico]

The blanket just scraped across.

[Shannon Harrington]

How long did it take Micah to notice since you were fucking her through a hole in that blanket.

[Zach Amico]

Which she could tell automatically.

[Shannon Harrington]

It's not. It's not a religious thing. He just doesn't want to look at her anymore.

[Zach Amico]

Now, Jews have X ray vision. Everyone knows that.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's true. Yeah, that's true.

[Zach Amico]

It helps them control their space lasers.

[Shannon Harrington]

And so they can see inside their wallet at all times.

[Zach Amico]

That's why Micah doesn't like the way I look. She can see in my wallet, constantly knows there's nothing in there that'll do it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, they're like Superman. Yeah. Okay, let's keep it moving. Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our good friends at Small Batch Cigar. Simple, fast, small batch guys having a nice cigar or two in the house, to me, it's the same as having a fancy bottle of wine, some nice cheese. It makes you look like a classy individual. And if you're like me and don't know that much, it could really help to have a great site like Small Batch Cigar on your side. Small Batch Cigar has free shipping on every order with almost Every order arriving within two to three days within the Continental United. It's the most thorough packaging in the industry with the Boveda pack included with every purchase. So they come super fresh. They have an amazing selection of rare, limited and hard to find cigars. And you earn 5% reward points instantly with your purchase. So go to smallbatchcigar.com today and most people click the new button first to shop the newest arrivals. And you could use our discount code GAS10GAS10 to get another 10% off plus those 5% rewards points. I'm going to be using this for the upcoming holidays. My brother in law, my uncle Jesus, they all love cigars and I don't know much about them. So hopefully we find something that they absolutely love. I'll let you guys know. But for now, smallbatch cigar.com promo code gas10. Small batch cigar. Simple, fast, small batch. Let's get back into the show. Retail chain Burlington. Ooh. Trying a new method of keeping people from shoplifting. And if they do, being able to catch them. Is this a scary new reality that we might have to deal with because of the shoplifting epidemic that seems to be hitting everywhere? Shannon.

[Micah Fox]

Okay, so there's the company itself. Burlington isn't admitting to doing this. They're saying that they're not using, they're not using the cameras for this reason. They're not using fake facial recognition. So I, I don't know. But in this, I'm gonna show you this video and you're going to see that he's walking into the store and there is clearly a recording device there.

[Zach Amico]

And Burlington is calling this Minority Report.

[Shannon Harrington]

Which I found up before you can enter into Burlington.

[Jacob Williams]

Look at this.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, wow. Y' all won't get nothing out of here. You know, that can't be real.

[Zach Amico]

Is that real?

[Micah Fox]

I, I don't know. And I looked it, I found it on another article also. And it says they said they're not doing it unless this is like maybe a pro promotional thing that they had up and they're lying about it. I don't know.

[Shannon Harrington]

I think it's because they go, listen, we can't touch shoplifters, right? And we've seen how many hundreds of videos now of people snatch and grab and all this shit. I think they go, fuck it, we'll just have a picture of them and we'll deal with it later, right?

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, I see grocery stores with pictures. I actually saw a pretty crazy shoplifting thing the other day. I was like sitting at like the Highline park near that Mall. And this guy, like, came running out. He, like, grabbed a bunch of those, like, bags or purses, and there was a security guy chasing them. And then, like, random people got involved. Like there was a guy trying to block him and this other guy, like, grabbed one of the bags. So he just, like, sprinted down the high line. And then the security guy came back. I guess he said the guy had, like, jumped off the high line to get away. So I'm like, I don't know if he's still alive or whatever. But yeah, that was wild. I've seen that a couple times. Another time I was at, like a. Walking by a TJ Maxx in a store, and this guy, like, ran out with a bunch of clothes and someone chased him. And I, like, saw him a few minutes later on the same train as me, which I was like, all right, I'm not getting involved in that. But yeah, that's.

[Shannon Harrington]

I've seen a lot. When I used to sell tickets, sometimes we would go over to, like, 34th, over by, like, Macy's and shit. And you would see some women trying to, like, steal, like, high end perfume stores and shit. And it was always the security guard, can't touch him. So they're holding on to the product, right? And then the ladies fighting them and trying to hold on to shit. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

We were told when I worked at Sharper Image in the mall, yeah, you can't touch them. You can't touch them. They're like, you gotta just. You can yell at them. They're like, you can yell at them, but you gotta just let them steal. But most of the time, if we would see someone stealing and they'd be near the door, we go, hey, you can't steal. And they would normally drop the stuff and then run out anyway. But here's just a lesson. Hold on to the stuff. You can still run out with it, too. Yeah. If they yell at you, just run with this.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah. That's why I was, like, shocked. The security guy literally, like, ran all the way down the high line. I was like, I didn't know that. Yeah, you could do that.

[Zach Amico]

We were told we weren't allowed to touch anyone.

[Shannon Harrington]

I got caught shoplifting when I was 19. Yeah. A. I am the biggest pussy in the world.

[Zach Amico]

Sure.

[Shannon Harrington]

Maybe it's ever existed. Also the dumbest. And it was the top to bottom. Most humiliated. I think the most humiliating thing. Now top five, though, Humiliate it. Like, I was stealing and already. This is bad. I was stealing eyeliner.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, cool.

[Shannon Harrington]

From a Dwayne Reed Yeah. Because I was going to a concert that night and was out of eyeliner, and I did not want to pay Duane Read prices, not knowing I should. Went to the Dollar store. But I'm an idiot. So I go, I take it out of the package, I put it in my pocket. I walk out, security guard just grabs me.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, we got a fat F slur on aisle six.

[Shannon Harrington]

Hand on the shoulder, walks me to the back. And, dude, he just kept going, man. 19. He's got my ID, man. 19 years. You old enough to know there's right and wrong. You know right and wrong. You know that ain't right. He goes, all right, man, where's the girl? I go. He goes, girl, you stealing this makeup for? And he was like a 6 foot 5 guy in a Scarface T shirt that went to his knees.

[Jacob Williams]

Cool.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's awesome. And he gave me a long speech about the difference between right and wrong. Told me never to come back to that. Duane Reed, Sure. I go, all right. I got out. I'm fine. That's my one. I'm never shoplifting again. A week later was my birthday. And on my birthday, because they copied my fucking address off my id, they sent my mom a letter that they needed a $50 restocking fee for the $10 eyeliner I stole. Wow. And my mom called me on my birthday to ask about when I got in trouble for stealing from Twain Reed.

[Jacob Williams]

That's.

[Shannon Harrington]

I was gonna wait till tomorrow because it's your birthday, but, I mean, this seems serious. Zachary, I was just sending the money.

[Zach Amico]

Don't give them the money. What are they gonna do?

[Shannon Harrington]

Or just don't call me. Yeah, it seems real serious. My. My family can make anything a life or death. My grandma's old. My guy. We just went to my grandma's 90th birthday. Sure. I got a text a couple years ago for my mom. Call me back right away. It's about granny.

[Zach Amico]

Think she's dead.

[Shannon Harrington]

If you get that. If you get that text.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, my grandma's 94. If I got that text, I would think my grandma has finally croaked.

[Shannon Harrington]

Your heart drops, right? You're fucking. You're immediately. Read it. Your heart drops. You want to throw up. You want to cry because you don't.

[Zach Amico]

Have enough money to fly back to Indianapolis for your grandma's view.

[Shannon Harrington]

I call back, I go, what's up? What's going on? She goes, your grandmother. I go, what? Is she okay? And she goes, she got a call from a telemarketer looking for you. And I went that's it. She goes, zachary, God damn it. She's on the fucking do not call list. Who's. Who did you give your grandmother's number? Two. She's screaming, well, that was. Call me right away. It's about Granny. Damn. Was damn. A telemarketer.

[Zach Amico]

You're a real fucked up piece of shit, Zach. Your grandma's on the. Do not call.

[Shannon Harrington]

Thank you. I understand. Shannon. Am I crazy? That's a crazy way to address it, right?

[Micah Fox]

Yes. I would have panicked immediately.

[Zach Amico]

Of course, I. I got my mom now, because she used to text me. She would call and then she would text, please call me. Which is. Yeah, but now she takes you call anytime. It's not important. So now I'm like, okay, good. Because the first time I was like, what, what, what? What? What do you need?

[Shannon Harrington]

There's nothing more jarring than when a family member. You don't usually get calls from calls.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Like, it's like my aunt calls me, who we've spoken on the phone maybe three times ever. And they're all been, like, important conversations. If she just calls me like, hey, we're in New York. What are you doing? I look at the phone like. Like somebody's dead. Somebody's dead. Somebody's dead.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah. Yeah, I had that yesterday. My dad called me. I guess it was like something about taxes or something, but I was, like, freaking out. I was like, oh, no, I might. You know, someone's definitely dead for sure.

[Shannon Harrington]

But I feel like that is the natural response to a phone call from someone you don't usually hear from.

[Zach Amico]

Well, my grandma. Like, your Grandma. My grandma's 94, so any call, I'm.

[Shannon Harrington]

Like, oh, well, she might have died dialing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, she could have. I'm just wondering when it's. When it win the time. I think she's going to make it to 100 myself.

[Shannon Harrington]

I mean, she's over under.

[Zach Amico]

She's sturdy as fuck.

[Shannon Harrington]

How much you want to bet?

[Zach Amico]

I'll bet you 10. I have. I only really have $10.

[Shannon Harrington]

All right, I will put 10 against it.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, I'll take the over. I bet she makes it to 100.

[Shannon Harrington]

You take 100?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

All right, I will.

[Zach Amico]

Six years, Zach. We have his $10 bet for six years.

[Shannon Harrington]

All right, but here's the deal, okay? If you make it to 100, you get my 10.

[Zach Amico]

Okay?

[Shannon Harrington]

I want to add a dollar for every year less or every year more.

[Zach Amico]

All right? So here's the thing. I should be able to afford that.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay? So I will give you six years to bring that pot up to 16.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, that works for. Let's actually. Let's put $10 per year.

[Shannon Harrington]

$10 per year? Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That's like a real bet, Shannon.

[Shannon Harrington]

Mark it.

[Micah Fox]

I wrote it down.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I wrote it down. I like it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Because I want my grandma to live.

[Shannon Harrington]

As long as I want her to, too. She's a donation. Okay. That. I want it. I want it bad.

[Zach Amico]

All right.

[Shannon Harrington]

I want you to win this. But a hilarious segment on the show is gambling on your grandmother's mortality.

[Zach Amico]

I'll do it.

[Jacob Williams]

I feel like Zachary is going to show up to the nursing home. Like, there's some pretty cigarettes and slippery pillow.

[Zach Amico]

Good luck getting in. My grandma's in a nice ass place. They're not letting trash like you in there.

[Shannon Harrington]

I'll. Nana.

[Zach Amico]

They barely let me in there.

[Jacob Williams]

I just stayed with my great aunt, and it was such a nice place. I went to the gym and it was all. But it was all set up for, like, elderly people, so I felt so strong. I was like the maximum dumbbells for, like 10. I was like, wow. I'm like, I guess I am in shape for like an 86y old.

[Shannon Harrington]

He's doing the treadmill. Goes up to like, half mile an hour.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Jacob's on the naked show at his aunt's home. Everyone's off.

[Shannon Harrington]

Just like, it's. What is this, a corn concert.

[Zach Amico]

Dude? Yeah, I. My grandma is funny as, so I'm hoping she lives for a long time. My uncle sends her to plays that he knows she's not gonna like. Like he sent her to because she's super Catholic. She's very Catholic. And he sent her to go see Kinky Boots.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, no.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. And we pick her up afterwards, and we were like. We call her Honey. And we're like, honey, how is. How is kinky? But she goes, goes, timothy, I have to go to confession right now. She goes, drive to the church. And we were. And I was like, well, we have to go to dinner first. We can take you to confession tomorrow.

[Shannon Harrington]

And then she goes. She's like, I masturbated for the first time. And my friend Jacob told me that it's the same.

[Zach Amico]

My grandma's friends with Jacob.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

All right. We'll get you out of here in a few minutes, bubba.

[Zach Amico]

No, no, we're good.

[Shannon Harrington]

No, no, I'm just keeping. I'm keeping an eye on the clock for you.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah, we're fine.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay. Fantastic. One time, my. My uncle. Dad was driving. It was my. I had two great aunts, I think they were both like in their 80s and 90s, and it was their first time ever seeing New York City. And they didn't want to get out. They just wanted to drive through the city, just look at everything and see New York.

[Jacob Williams]

So worse.

[Shannon Harrington]

And he. He didn't know it was a gay pride parade. And they got stuck in it. Yes, they got stuck in the traffic and had my. My old Catholic Italian aunts who had never left their hometown saw a straight up 90s gay pride parade. A pre cell phone camera. No fucking. Nobody's telling on nobody. Gay pride parade.

[Zach Amico]

I love it.

[Jacob Williams]

That's fun.

[Shannon Harrington]

They don't go to New York no more.

[Jacob Williams]

They assumed it was like that every day.

[Shannon Harrington]

I think they did. I think they thought that's what it was.

[Zach Amico]

It sounds like they didn't have respect for the hogs like we do.

[Shannon Harrington]

No, I don't think so. I always hear stories about, like, what my family thought of New York City.

[Zach Amico]

You're from Jersey, right?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, I'm from right across the river.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Fucking 10 minutes out of city.

[Zach Amico]

Right.

[Shannon Harrington]

But nobody goes in. They call it going to the city. Right? Like it's like a trip. Like we're like, we should pack.

[Zach Amico]

I call it going to the city, but I live in Brooklyn. Yeah. And I still am. Like, I got to go to the city. And I like. Because I think I'm just like a small town, podunk, fudgeing nobody, you know?

[Shannon Harrington]

And I remember my dad having a job in the city and he took my uncle, and my uncle coming back because he saw Christopher Street. They drove by Christopher street and my uncle came home and I was a little kid. I just remember my uncle going, there was two guys holding hands and they kissed. I showed you dad. I was like, you got Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. There's two of them. And he's like, yeah, you were on.

[Zach Amico]

Christ.

[Shannon Harrington]

Even I as a kid was like, yeah, you were on Christopher Street.

[Zach Amico]

Where was your dad's job? The Stonewall Inn.

[Shannon Harrington]

My dad's a welder. He was fixing something.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I bet he was.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, he was. Everyone knows all welders are gay.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, absolutely.

[Shannon Harrington]

They work hard, but they play hard. Hot stuff coming through.

[Zach Amico]

What do they weld?

[Shannon Harrington]

Spark in my hair. Get it, get it. What are they welding?

[Zach Amico]

Pipes?

[Shannon Harrington]

Actually, my dad did ornate railings.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I bet he did.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

It took a lot of railings.

[Shannon Harrington]

There we go. There's one. Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by you Kratom, home of the $60 kilo. That's right. Ladies and gentlemen, if you do Kratom, if you don't do Kratom, don't start on my account. But if you use Kratom for one of its many benefits, only get it from one place, and that's Yokratum.com. stop going to bodegas, smoke shops, and gas stations. They don't know what they're selling you, they don't know what's in it, and they don't know anything about kratom. Yokratum.com has the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at the network. There's no promo code needed. It's already the best deal in the world. To kratom. That's right. 60 smackers for a whole kilo delivered right to your gosh darn door. Yocratum.com Home of the $60 kilo. Shut out. Let's get back to the show. You know, I, I. When my dad left my mom for a while, I did think he might have been gay. I couldn't have been more wrong.

[Zach Amico]

Really.

[Shannon Harrington]

But yeah, because he grew a mustache. Sure. And to me, that was, that was really going for it. And my dad, growing up, my dad didn't like bands. My dad listened to show tunes. And I always thought that was a pretty good sign. Yeah, I mean, it turns out he loves pussy more than anyone I know.

[Zach Amico]

Let's go. That's sick.

[Shannon Harrington]

I've described my. Me and my dad are like Hank and Bobby Hill. Instead of propane and football and steak, Hank just liked pussy. I had no other discernible taste or opinions. My dad recently referred to food as sustenance.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, wow. Damn.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He's one of those guys, huh?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Jacob Williams]

He only eats.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, dude, he is just, he's just going, dude, he's just going through all dying. Yeah, he's on a diet. If he sees it, he eats it.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, man.

[Shannon Harrington]

Paul, love you. He's. I think we're doing a podcast.

[Zach Amico]

Really?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. My dad asked because he's retiring and.

[Zach Amico]

Food in the brew.

[Jacob Williams]

I've tried doing that with my dad in a couple.

[Shannon Harrington]

In a. Not too long. He's like, I was thinking about Zach. How about me and you do one of those podcasts? I was like, well, yeah, just, you know, get all our stories recorded. And I think it'd be fun. Just a couple episodes. Something, Something to save, something to have. And I'm like, that's the best idea I've ever heard. I want that more than anything.

[Zach Amico]

That's great.

[Shannon Harrington]

Because he heard that I did the show with KP's dad.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

And he was like, that's a good idea. I gotta try one of those podcasts. Well, dude, if he's better at it than me, I'm gonna be so pissed. Oh, it's gonna hurt my feelings if he's funnier than me. He's always been, he's always been the funny guy on the job site. And if that confidence carries over, it's really gonna bug me because I know he's got a way bigger dick than me.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, no.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. I did not get the. I got, I got, I got my mom's dick. I got my dick from my mom's side. I did not get the Italian hog.

[Zach Amico]

The zakamika, it sounds like.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, yeah. I, I, yeah, my dad's dick looked like alf.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, wow.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, a real olive colored Italian one. Cool. What's your dad's dick look like?

[Jacob Williams]

It's been a while. I don't, I don't know if I can picture. I'm sure I must have seen it in some context.

[Shannon Harrington]

I close my eyes, I can taste it now.

[Jacob Williams]

I can't really. I guess I'm not seeing my dad's dick a lot now that I'm thinking about it, which I guess I'm okay with, but it's a good question.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, let me think. What did my dad's dick look like? Well, what's those guys with penises?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Kind of look like that. I don't know. I've never really seen my dad's dick. I don't think.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, same Jorge. Yeah, my. I remember seeing my dad's dick when I was like, middle school era.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's a little old.

[Jacob Williams]

It was when we're on vacation.

[Shannon Harrington]

Was he teaching you to shower?

[Jacob Williams]

No, we were on vacation and it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Was like I walked into the hotel.

[Jacob Williams]

Room and he was getting changed, but he had like, massive bush and definitely a way bigger dick than me.

[Zach Amico]

Damn.

[Shannon Harrington]

That was.

[Zach Amico]

My dad was a ball shower.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

He was always showing his balls.

[Shannon Harrington]

In what context?

[Zach Amico]

Well, that, like he would go to the Indy 500 and he'd let his balls hang out of his shorts while people were like walking around and stuff on purpose. There's a lot of photos of him with his balls out.

[Jacob Williams]

He's a baller.

[Zach Amico]

But no, but no dicks.

[Shannon Harrington]

Sounds like a real nut. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Got his nuts out.

[Shannon Harrington]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

But yeah, he's a, he was a big ball shower. But never.

[Shannon Harrington]

Isn't it crazy? You came out of those?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

I think about his Greatest joke.

[Zach Amico]

Look at my son, the failure.

[Jacob Williams]

I love the Tom cigarette joke when he's, like, showering with his son and his kids, like, why is your dick bigger than mine? And he's like, because I'm hard right now.

[Shannon Harrington]

There's a kid showering with his mom, and he. He points at her chest and goes, what are those? Because those are. Those are my breasts. And then he points at her vagina and he goes, what's that? She goes, that's where the Indian hit me with his ax. He goes, wow, right in the cunt. A little girl showering with her dad. And she's looking up and down his body, and she goes, what's that? He goes, that's called a penis. And she goes, when am I going to get one of those? He goes, as soon as Mommy goes to the mall. All right. Keeping it positive. Disney superfan. We looked at this the other day. Took her own life. Oh, no. At notorious Suicide Spot, the Disney World Hotel. Thank you, Jacob. Shannon.

[Micah Fox]

Okay, so they're saying, super fan. But the only other time that they're mentioning that she had been to Disney was for her honeymoon in October and October last year, and then announced she was pregnant two months later. They don't know if the baby was had or not. And they said that this particular location, this hotel, that it's kind of known for suicides happening there. And they said that what they think is happening is, like, once people are kind of over life, they're like, let me just have this one last fun time with the family. And then jump off. Because it's such a tall building.

[Shannon Harrington]

That's gotta be a long ride home.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah. It sounds a little goofy. Am I right? We're having fun. Damn. So they just jump off the top of the building?

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. Is that what it is, Shannon?

[Jacob Williams]

Damn.

[Micah Fox]

Yeah. Or. Or, I mean, from. I think, like, 14 stories up, I think they said was where she jumped from. But here, I'll show you the. This is the building.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, yeah. And she hit the monorail, right?

[Micah Fox]

I. It doesn't. It doesn't.

[Shannon Harrington]

They said they had to close the monorail.

[Micah Fox]

Yeah, I said they had to close it. It doesn't say, though, that she hit it.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's. That's got to be a bad trip home.

[Jacob Williams]

They should call it. There's no Tomorrowland.

[Shannon Harrington]

I mean, it must be nice to have the seat next to you empty on the plane. Sure. Stretch out a little.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, at least the lines are a little shorter.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Unless they give her fucking seat away to one of those standby.

[Shannon Harrington]

Oh, yeah. I always think, because they say a lot of people die on cruises. Do you just stay for the rest of the cruise or you try and fly back?

[Zach Amico]

You have to stay till they take you to port, and then you can fly home.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

From there. But you have to. If someone dies, you have to stay on the boat until your next stop.

[Shannon Harrington]

Yeah. I mean, it's not like they're gonna heliport you out or whatever.

[Zach Amico]

I was asking Sheen about that recently because he's a boat hack now, and he was telling me that if someone dies, they have to wait till you get to the stop and then they can fly home if they want to.

[Shannon Harrington]

Or they could just stay. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Then they could just.

[Shannon Harrington]

Well, they say a lot of old people die. Old people retire to cruise ship.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Live on them.

[Shannon Harrington]

What are they, Are they called, like, permanent passengers or permanent vacation? Something term for them? Yeah, they just. Because they realize, like, whatever package they get is cheaper than what their rent would be.

[Jacob Williams]

That makes sense.

[Shannon Harrington]

So they just live on the boat.

[Zach Amico]

Which I don't think it's, it's not a bad life. I mean, except you're full of oil because they have to put a bunch of oil in the food so that your shits slime out.

[Shannon Harrington]

I didn't know that.

[Zach Amico]

And go through this is what I get all my boat info from. Sheen, sure.

[Shannon Harrington]

He's your boat guy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he's my, he's my, my, my window into the world of the, your porthole.

[Shannon Harrington]

Into the world of boats.

[Zach Amico]

But he says all the food is full of oil so that it, like, slimes out through the system.

[Shannon Harrington]

Ah. So there's not any hard ones. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, yeah. I did it once for like a month, and it was kind of brutal because I was like, opening up 13 shows a week. And like, the same people would come back every time. I'm not the best, like, warm up person. Like, the cruise stuff was fun, but I'm like, oh, wow. I don't have, like, hours and hours of material for, like, every time, every conversation.

[Shannon Harrington]

I did not come back. I, I did, I just did it for a week. And I only had to stand up twice in three podcasts.

[Jacob Williams]

Oh, that's nice.

[Shannon Harrington]

But it was all the same people. And I was like, I cannot repeat a goddamn thing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, I, I couldn't imagine bombing and then being by the pool and everything.

[Shannon Harrington]

You, every time you eat, you're gonna see.

[Jacob Williams]

Yeah, yeah. I definitely had that first.

[Shannon Harrington]

Everyone you bobbed in Front of. And it's the worst because I was with Jay, and Jay was like the Rodney Dangerfield of the boat. Yeah. But people just remember, hey, funny guy. And then. And his friend. Yeah, those were. I did not know that. About the oil.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Shannon Harrington]

Did he tell you about the ice cream party thing? No. I've heard this. I've said it before. I could be spreading misinformation because I'm stupid. Supposedly, if you're on a boat and they have a surprise ice cream party, it is because the morgue is full.

[Jacob Williams]

Whoa.

[Zach Amico]

Do you want me. I could get on the need to.

[Shannon Harrington]

Get rid of the ice cream to put an additional body in that freezer.

[Zach Amico]

I could get them on the horn.

[Shannon Harrington]

Because all cruise ships have a morgue. No, it's. All right. Well, you know what?

[Jacob Williams]

Wow.

[Shannon Harrington]

Next time you're here, we'll find out.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon Harrington]

Shannon, make a note of it. Also, we're betting on your grandmother's life.

[Zach Amico]

Betting on my grandmother's life. $10 a year doing a lightning bet for $10 a year.

[Shannon Harrington]

See, I'm learning about gambling through the power of the show. Thank you.

[Zach Amico]

A normal over under. If you do a lightning bet on an over under for every point. If, like, if you bet the over for every point, it's whatever you bet plus that extra point. So if you bet $1,000 on the over and it goes over 10 points, you get an extra 10,000.

[Shannon Harrington]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

But if you bet a thousand dollars and it's 10 points under, you owe them an extra 10,000.

[Shannon Harrington]

So I am betting that Tim's grandmother gets hit by lightning. Yeah. Thank you so much for tuning in. This was Zach. Me was morning. So I apologize for a little bit of a brief episode, but we're on a bit of a time crunch here. And thank you so much for tuning in. And we will catch you this Wednesday here on the Zoo. And I'll be live with that one. The bun's begun. No sleeping in. Noon is morning time to him. Papa Mako. Chug it down just like your favorite obese clown. Grab a call bear and join the crew. It's Akamiko morning too. It's Acamiko morning.