0065. Chloe LaBranche and Tim McLaughlin

Summary

Podcast Summary: Zac Amico's Morning Zoo Ep. 65

Guests: Chloe LaBranche & Tim McLaughlin
Date: November 28, 2025
Network: GaS Digital

---

Main Theme & Overview

This episode of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo delivers exactly what the "zoo" promises: an unfiltered, raucous, and darkly comedic roundup of wild stories, news oddities, and chaotic banter with comedian guests Chloe LaBranche and Tim McLaughlin. The show veers through tales of bizarre crime, personal bathroom embarrassments, internet urban legends, gross-out stories, and sharp social commentary—all sprinkled with wrestling nostalgia and recovery tales.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Show Intro & Plugs (01:00 – 04:36)

• Zac apologizes for starting late due to being blocked by a garbage truck, setting a playful, self-deprecating tone.
• Chloe LaBranche and Tim McLaughlin plug their projects: Chloe’s News for Women (w/ Kurt Metzger), Tim’s Great Hang podcast, plus upcoming shows and social media.
• Zac runs through GaS Digital membership perks.

2. Weird Caffeine Habits & Over-the-Top Consumption (04:39 – 05:12)

• Zac jokes about buying 225mg caffeine pouches:

  “It literally says on the label, 'Do not exceed 400 milligrams of caffeine in a day.'” (04:41, Zac)

• Chloe admits to drinking NyQuil “like wine” in her past, pouring it in glasses to mimic sobriety drinking habits.

3. Bathroom & Hook-Up Disasters (05:13 – 07:26)

• Chloe shares a cringe tale of pooping on her boyfriend's foot in the shower during a hook-up gone wrong.

  “He was like, 'You just shit on my foot.' I said, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'” (06:54, Chloe)

• Comedians riff on accidental anal, “surprise sex,” and debate what constitutes “a light rape” with problematic humor.

4. Consent Anxiety & Old School “Alibis” (07:27 – 10:07)

• Zac relays an old stand-up legend’s advice for establishing a hotel alibi, noting:

  “You bring her into the front desk…so that they see you two together, like holding hands, smiling. That way, if she ever presses charges…” (09:16, Zac)

• Tense, tongue-in-cheek debate ensues about problematic hookup culture and how people in comedy process it.

5. Wrestling with Wrestling & Down Syndrome Friendships (10:08 – 15:15)

• Zac recounts helping a Down syndrome wrestling fan at an event and how wrestling figures treat such fans.
• Tim shares stories about his buddy PJ (with Down syndrome) navigating wrestling suites—showcasing both sensitivity and brutal comic honesty.

  “He had to be the Highlander of Down syndrome people in the suite…He couldn't be with another one.” (14:11, Tim)

6. Wrestling, MMA, and Violence Erotics (15:16 – 19:12)

• Wrestling vs. MMA: athleticism, violence, and evolving attitudes toward LGBTQ+ representation in wrestling vs fighting sports.
• Zac educates Chloe on wrestling’s performative nature and the reality of staged violence.

7. Creepypasta, Slender Man, & Moral Panics (21:04 – 29:02)

• Morgan Geyser, one of the infamous “Slender Man Stabbing” girls, escapes her group home—but was recaptured (25:04).
• The hosts explain Slender Man and related internet urban legends, like Siren Head, and recount how “creepypasta” stories spawned real-world horror.

  “Slender Man was like…the first creepypasta. Urban legend meme type thing—a very tall guy with no face.” (22:04, Zac)

• Discussion of how internet folklore (and sometimes YouTube) can shape kids’ fears and behaviors.

8. Rehab Talent Shows, ISIS, and Comedy as Therapy (33:02 – 37:54)

• Chloe tells a wild story about a patient in rehab who became obsessed with ISIS after watching traumatic videos for work.
• She and Tim trade stories of bizarre, sometimes inspiring talent shows in rehab centers—highlighting gallows humor as a coping mechanism.
• Zac references classic film "Sullivan’s Travels" to reflect on comedy’s role in relieving people's suffering.

9. News of the Weird: Crime, Death, and Viral Phenomena

• Crime & Sex:
  • Story of a burglar couple caught on camera having sex after a theft.

    “Like, hey honey, let’s leave some DNA all over this crime.” (42:43, Zac)

  • Chloe and Tim trade rehab hookup war stories, introducing characters like “Baby Dog” the drug dealer and “Lil Bacon”.
• Outrageous Deaths:
  • A 22-year-old dies trying to swallow a whole hamburger as a joke (53:22).

    “Guy’s just trying to clown around with his family…” (54:49, Tim)

  • Senior is decapitated by a garbage truck in front of kids, triggering both disgust and gleeful riffing about “soft decapitation.” (56:45 – 58:18)
• Serial Spitter:
  • A Brooklyn man targets four white women in a serial “spit spree” and gets released next day. Discussion expands to notorious NYC “butt sniffer” and the Mariko Aoki phenomenon (bookstores making people poop).

    “Getting spit in your face—stink smells. Oh, it’s so gross.” (65:20, Zac)

10. Final Wild Stories & Gags

• Grandma Mauled by Deer:
  • A woman who rescued and housed deer is eventually killed by one—guests debate the wisdom of taking in wild animals.

    “Live by the sword, die by the sword.” (73:31, Zac)

• Chloe’s quick-witted faux-dirty jokes cap off the show, keeping the “zoo” spirit alive.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On “light rape” stories:

  “She said ‘I don’t want to have sex’ … then all of a sudden, he shoved it in... she just kind of laid there… didn't even get to tell him before he just shoved it in.” (07:32, Chloe)

• On emotional impact of wrestling for fans with disabilities:

  “Mr. Kennedy had his bag, was trying to leave—gave this kid all the time in the world. Super sweet.” (11:42, Zac)

• On creepypasta's ripple effects:

  “People would make up stories about Slender Man abducting children—and that's why I’ve been saying we need to get rid of user-generated story contests.” (27:49, Tim)

• Rehab Talent Show Antics:

  “One guy went up and he just wrote his gang tag on a whiteboard, then he was done.” (35:41, Chloe)

• Philosophy of comedy's purpose:

  “He realizes that's his real job…not to exploit people’s sadness…it's to solve it with very, like…silly comedy.” (39:02, Zac referencing Sullivan’s Travels)

• On serial spitting attacks:

  “Her day is up…Getting spit in your face. Stink smells. Oh, it’s so gross.” (65:18, Zac)

• On fatal grandma–deer encounter:

  “So she took care of the baby—ever since…she started to take in other, like, injured deer…And [one] just antlered her.” (72:21–73:28, Shannon & Zac)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Guest Intros & Plugs: 02:36 – 04:36
• Caffeine & NyQuil Stories: 04:36 – 05:12
• Shower/Bathroom Hook-Up Disasters: 06:06 – 07:26
• Consent Anxiety & Old Advice: 07:27 – 10:07
• Wrestling & Down Syndrome Tales: 11:11 – 15:15
• Slender Man Recap & Escape: 21:15 – 25:04
• Creepypasta & Urban Legend Fears: 27:06 – 29:44
• Rehab Talent Shows, “ISIS Girl” Tale: 33:02 – 37:54
• Burglar Sex, Rehab Hookups & Drug Dealer Nicknames: 41:04 – 46:09
• Fatal Hamburger Attempt: 53:22 – 55:16
• Grandma Decapitation by Garbage Truck: 56:45 – 58:18
• NYC Serial “Spit Spree”: 62:42 – 67:02
• Nature Gone Wild—Grandma Mauled by Deer: 71:42 – 74:36
• Closing Jokes & Show Outro: 74:36 – end

---

Tone & Style

The show is ruthlessly irreverent, blending gallows humor, confessional honesty, outrageous personal stories, and news-of-the-weird segues. The comedians drop in and out of characters, riff on each other, and constantly escalate stories for comedic effect, employing dark jokes and frontline references.

---

For New Listeners

This episode is a textbook entry in the category of “comedy podcasts that are not for the faint of heart.” It is raw, fast-paced, and consistently veers toward the off-color, but balances out with sharp wit and sincerity in moments reflecting on recovery, disability, and the power of laughter. Expect tangents, realness, and relentless punchlines.

---

Recommended Highlights:

• “Shit in the Shower” story (06:10)
• The Down syndrome wrestling fan saga (11:23 & 14:11)
• Slender Man stabbing and creepypasta recap (21:15 – 29:44)
• Serial Spitter discussion and book store “poop” phenomenon (62:42 & 63:52)
• Grandma vs. Deer conclusion (71:42)

---

Most Memorable Quote:

“Live by the sword, die by the sword.” (73:31, Zac on being mauled by a rescue deer)

---

Note:
All ads, intros, outros, and non-content sections have been excluded from this summary.

Transcript

[A]

Oh, hey, welcome to gift wrapping.

[B]

Whoa. So is Saldana.

[C]

Hey, can you wrap these, please?

[A]

Wow, iPhone 17s.

[C]

You splurged at T Mobile. You can get four iPhone 17s on them. The new center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[A]

I'm the worst.

[B]

I only got my mom a robe.

[C]

Well, it's better than socks.

[A]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[C]

No, AT T mobile. There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[B]

Incredible.

[C]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my aunt Rosa. Forget that. Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[B]

Sounds like my family drama.

[C]

Oh, I got it. I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with.

[A]

Hey, where are you going?

[B]

To T mobile.

[A]

The holidays are better.

[B]

AT T Mobile get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in needed when you switch plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line. And now T mobile is available in US cellular stores with 24 monthly bill credits and 4 eligible board ins on essentials for well qualified customers.

[A]

Bought a paypal with taxes, fees and.

[B]

$35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off early or cancel contact us finance agreement Twitter fee 56 gigabytes. $830 required.

[A]

Visit t mobile.com Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go Zach Amico's got a show Animals are here to play Jokes are guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy stretch your legs and touc the sky Grab a coffee and join the crew It's Zach Amico morning too. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. Well, good morning, good morning, good morning and happy Monday, all you sick sons of bitches. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zak Amico. And I am apologizing up top that we are late today. That one's on me because a garbage truck decided to park in the middle of my block for a half an hour this morning and completely stop all traffic. So we're late. It is 100% my fault and I apologize. This is the morning zoo here on the Gas Digital Network. And across the table from me are two very wonderful, funny and patient people from News for women. It is our one of our absolute favorite people in the world, Ms. Chloe LaBranche.

[C]

Oh, thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you so much. For being here, my love. And from the Great Hang Podcast, one of my other loves in life, somebody I absolutely adore. So funny, so Wonderful. It's Tim McLaughlin.

[D]

How you doing, bud?

[B]

Zachary, I'm doing great. Thank you very much for having me on the show.

[A]

Thank you for being here, guys. What a fun day it's gonna be. Let's get plugs right out of the way. Chloe, what do you want people to check out?

[C]

Baby girl, you can check out News for Women. It's at chloe lebranche on YouTube. And then on my Instagram, I do it with Kurt Metzger. And then also I'm headlining the dojo with Corinne Fisher on December 13th.

[A]

Very, very good, Mr. McLaughlin.

[B]

I have no dates or anything like that, so book me or something or don't. Whatever. I don't give a fuck. Check me out at Instagram at Hot Underscore Comic six. And then, of course, listen to the Great Hang podcast with myself and friend of the show, Micah Fox. I've been extra annoying on the show lately, and she's been getting very pissed.

[A]

Excellent. Hey, guys, if you want to check me out live, go to my Instagram at zackisnotfunny. Go to Punchup Live. Zachamico, I know we got New Year's with me and Lewis doing a rap reunion. I got more wrestling dates coming up in December that I am locking in right now. And hey, if you love the show, and we know you do, Please go to gas digital.com today, try it out, see if you like it. Use my promo code, Zoo. You save a little bit of money off your subscription. You also get the live chat. You get the archives, thousands of hours of all your favorite Gas shows. You get your episodes early ad free and uncensored. And most importantly, you get the Friday episode. That's right. We do three of these suckers a week, only to go out to YouTube and stitcher and shit like that. So if you want the full experience, try it out. Out. Promo code zoo. And let me know what you think. And thank you so much. However you consume the show, you guys want to try one of these caffeine pouches? Because I am flying.

[B]

I'm all right.

[C]

I feel like I'm a seizure.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like I'm in a barf if I do.

[A]

Dude, I can't. Dude, I saw 225s on Amazon and I'm like, that does not sound healthy. I need them. And then I got them. And it literally says on the label, do not exceed 400 milligrams of caffeine in a day.

[B]

Good Lord.

[A]

So I can have one and then cut another one in half.

[C]

I drink literally full bottles of Nyquil.

[A]

That's not good.

[C]

I was that.

[A]

Doesn't that make you. Your ass?

[B]

I don't even know you ever shit your ass.

[C]

Because I. When I. One time I. When I was sober, I got really into NyQuil. And.

[A]

Yeah. Because it has. It's 10% alcohol.

[C]

And I got. It got to the point where I was pouring. I had. I bought the red light nyquil because it looked more like wine. I was pouring it in wine glasses and. And drinking it. And I remember my friend was like, I really want you to meet this guy I want to set you up with. We're going to stop by your apartment. I was like, great. And he came over and I was like, would you like a glass of nyquil? And he was like. And he left.

[A]

Oh, no, that's sad. That's like Jay Moore level alcoholism. That's sad.

[B]

Yeah, that's really bad.

[C]

Well, I'm sober now.

[A]

No, that's great. I've only had a whole bottle of NyQuil once.

[C]

Was it good?

[A]

I just remember that I felt awful. I had terrible diarrhea at my friend's girlfriend's house and then stayed in the bathroom like, another 40 minutes because I was convinced. I left poop, like, on the underside of the toilet and I kept scrubbing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Afraid that I was going to leave and that I destroyed their toilet.

[C]

I pooped on my boyfriend's foot once in what's.

[B]

How so.

[C]

In the shower. What happened was.

[A]

I mean, that's the best place to do it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought you were both, like, sitting on top of him on the toilet.

[C]

That would be good.

[A]

That would have been actually, like, A.C. slater. And his legs are open.

[B]

Yeah, his legs are open. You're right in the middle. Trying to shit in between his legs while he's shitting.

[A]

What was it?

[B]

You're in the shower?

[A]

Anal in the shower.

[C]

It was a Tuesday. No, it was. Well, we were hooking up, and then he accidentally. They always say it's an accident when you put it. Try to put in the butt. And then I was like, ah. And then all of a sudden, a tiny drop of poop came out and it hit, like, a cute poop, and then it hit the floor, and then it hit his foot. And then he went to look down, and I tried to cover it and throw. Push it down the drain.

[A]

Real stomp. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He was like, you just shit on my foot. I said, I don't know you're talking about.

[B]

Did I shit on your foot? Did you stick your dick in my asshole? You fucking.

[A]

In all fairness, that is where the poop comes out. Yeah, yeah. And I'll tell you.

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

I don't believe this whole act. Whenever girl, it accidentally went in.

[C]

That's what I saying. It's an act. It's not accident.

[A]

It's not an act. But also like a lady in the ass takes work.

[C]

That's called surprise sex.

[A]

That's rape.

[C]

Actually, my friend had a light rape recently.

[A]

Oh, like diet rape?

[C]

It was like a soft rape.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The guy couldn't get hard.

[C]

No, it's like she went to his house and then she said, I don't want to hook up with you. I don't want to hook up with you. And then. And they're making out. She says, I don't want to have sex. I don't want sex. And then all of a sudden, he shoved it in. She just kind of laid there and. But she didn't. And then. And then she didn't want to have sex with him because she has herpes. And she didn't even get a chance to tell him before he just shoved it in. Oh, so that's kind of karma.

[B]

That's what you get.

[C]

And then he texts her the next day and he goes, I had such a great time last night that. But I heard go off. Kirk told me that. When?

[A]

Now please remember, there's three sides to every story.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Her side, his side. In the truth.

[C]

Because there's. Women have three holes.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

So this. This is what Kurt told me. That if Amanda. Something like up like that to cover their tracks, they'll say something the next day. Being like that was so much fun. Like it was so good to see you or something. To like cover what they did. Yeah, it's like a. So that it holds up in court or something.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz they know they did something. But this way, if the girl's not. If the girl doesn't respond. Like, what the.

[B]

Well, also, I would have sent a message being like, I loved how much you told me. Yes. Last night. To all of the things I wanted to do.

[C]

That's suspicious, Tim.

[B]

But now we've got it on record.

[A]

Back in the day, Voss used to say when you bring a girl on. On a. That when you bring a girl to a hotel, you always. This is such an old man thing to do. But technically it was before cell phones, so it makes sense. You bring her into the front Desk of the reception of the hotel. And you ask what time it is.

[B]

At the front desk.

[A]

At the front desk. So that they see you two together, like holding hands, smiling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That way, if she ever presses charges, they're going to ask the hotel and they're going to have an exact time you guys left together happily.

[B]

What a neurotic Jew way to think.

[A]

What a neurotic Jew way to get out of rape. I believe his exact verbiage was, you know, you don't want to get Mike Tyson. What if, you know, charged with rape that you did, and then you have.

[B]

To go to Terre Haute for fucking.

[A]

A year and a half.

[C]

What if it was like they were Weekend at Bernie's? The girl, they were just like holding her up and she's just like on roofies and she has sunglasses on.

[A]

Yeah, they get him. And him and Florentine have to pick who's going to be the girl voice. I had such a good time with you.

[B]

This is a great.

[A]

That's where Florentine got his crank anchors retard voice from.

[B]

Oh, yeah. The girl is. Man, that's good. My brain is dead. I'm sorry.

[A]

I met a fascinating character over the weekend and I need to process it in real time, which was. And I. I've been trying not to use the term wigger.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But hip hop white guy, right? Fall down syndrome.

[B]

Okay, So a gentleman.

[A]

Bucket hat. Hell, yeah. Matching shirt to bucket hat.

[B]

What color?

[A]

Purple tie dye.

[B]

Oh, let's go.

[A]

Big chain wrestling belt.

[C]

What is it? Tony Hinchcliffe.

[A]

Full, full downs. Sweet boy. Oh, yeah. Backstage trying to get some autographs. I had to stop him from getting hit by a semi truck because there was a truck backing up, trying to load the ring and stuff. And he just kept walking toward the light. And finally me and a wrestler had to grab him on each side of his arm and take him to another set because he just kept almost getting killed by a truck.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I will say I watched one of the sweetest things. Wrestler when he was in WWE. His name was Mr. Kennedy. He did a magic. This very special young man walked up to him and did his entire entrance to him.

[B]

Whoa. That's awesome.

[A]

And Mr. Kennedy had his bag, was trying to leave. Gave this kid all the time in the world. Super sweet. Very impressed with his gentlemanness. But then this kid hangs out backstage, tries to get a lot of rest. When we met him, he had a guy with him.

[C]

Sexual.

[A]

I thought a special friend or handler. Yeah, you know, a responsibility buddy.

[B]

Turns out it was his Producer dude, they left him. They just left him there.

[A]

And he just walked into the night. It was freezing out. I just saw him walk into a dark parking lot to God knows where. And I can't stop thinking, did this motherfucker get in a car? I don't have my license.

[C]

Why did you get. Why did you help the hip hop white guy and not this guy?

[A]

That's what I'm talking about.

[B]

The down syndrome, man, is I thought.

[C]

That these were two different people. And I was like, what did you mean?

[A]

No, no, it was the down syndrome guy. Watched his. Walked right into the night. Well, and now I want to know the rest of his adventure so bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he was just walking around Detroit with a wrestling belt.

[B]

How did he sound? Did he. Did he do the accent?

[A]

Yeah, he had it.

[B]

Oh, it's awesome. Yeah, I love that shit.

[A]

Yeah. His exact words to me with, he's a really nice guy.

[B]

I love. Dude, I love when down syndrome people have a nice time. Nothing brings.

[A]

Oh, he had a blast, dude.

[B]

Nothing brings joy.

[C]

Have you ever met someone with down syndrome who was mean? I feel like they're all nice.

[B]

Well, PJ was nice and mean, but pj. PJ was my down syndrome buddy that we used to take to wrestling in Indianapolis. And we would have. I think I've told this on the. On the show before, but we had. One time we had a sweet tickets and we had regular nice tickets. PJ very connected man. So we had like nice tickets and we had sweet tickets. We go up to the street, parents were related. We go up to the suite and there's about who. You know, there's another down syndrome chick in the suite. And PJ sees her and he goes. And I go, what? He goes, no, not her. And we were like, what? He goes, I can't be around her. And we go, ok. So we just had to sit in the regular seats because he could. He had to be the old. The highlander of down syndrome people in the suite. I get that he couldn't be with another one. And he was like. Andrew was like, we have to take. He's going to be mean to her if we.

[A]

You know what? I can see that. Because then if somebody. When other people come in, the perception is now that this is the retarded suite.

[B]

Sure. And I'm sure that's what he processed.

[A]

And I think in his head he was like, I rather be in a big group of just dudes. Yeah. Than be in the special suite.

[B]

He also, John Cena came out and he hated John Cena hated John Cena. Even though John Cena's done more for his people than anyone in the history of the world.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

John Cena is the Jane Goodall of Down syndrome.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

He might be missing a chromosome himself.

[A]

No, he's got the whatchamacallit. That's the big ears and that shit. The big head. That's Neanderthal. That's a. Supposedly when your body makes too much testosterone, your ears should keep growing. When you. You know, when your body naturally makes too much testosterone and it's not bought.

[B]

From a man and not bought from a doctor.

[C]

Why is it that when men go on steroids, their voice gets high pitched?

[B]

I don't know. Is that true?

[C]

Yeah. I did not know Shannon. Isn't that a thing?

[D]

I'm going to look it up. That's not a thing that I have experienced in the past.

[A]

And Shannon's a real juice monkey over there.

[C]

She likes the GTL boys.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Shannon. Shannon likes a big, juiced up gorilla.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

But we picked up pj and I go, pj, you excited to see Joseph?

[C]

You won't say wigger, but you'll say gorilla.

[B]

Well, you can say that. I'm not Italian.

[C]

That was too racist. Cut that.

[B]

I tried to save you.

[D]

Just a note, they do not make your voice higher. They actually make your voice deeper.

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

And I'm on a lot of testosterone. But we pick them up.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

We go, are you excited to see John Cena? He goes, no. Guy's a coward. Hope he doesn't even show his face. And we were like, okay. Then John Cena comes out and this little kid's like, yeah. PJ leans over me and just boos the child.

[A]

Hell yeah, dude.

[B]

I go, hey, man, stop doing that.

[A]

Being Albert's heart at the street, he's.

[B]

Like 50 years old. I was like, you can't boo kids. BJ goes, I've done that.

[A]

I was at a house show at the Garden with my wife, and the whole time we were surrounded with little kids singing John Cena.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we were going, john Cena sucks. And then there was a guy. If you ever. Word to the wise, if you're ever at an event and you see an adult man dressed as John Cena with a title belt over his shoulder, don't yell at him to sit down.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Because he will be retarded. You can't. Don't go, hey, idiot, sit down.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Because he will turn around and be as retarded as you want to as you want to think, he'll be like.

[C]

Why don't you sit down? And you're like, I'm sitting down?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't throw the word idiot around in a wrestling match very much because you never know who you're going to hit.

[A]

Yeah, you really. It's. You got to be careful on that one.

[C]

I love the scene, is it in Borat, when he makes out with his assistant at the end at the cage wrestling match and then like in the Titanic.

[A]

Well, that's us. That's us. That's. That's mma.

[C]

The fans are, like, crying and throwing shit.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's fine. That's real fun. That's mma.

[C]

Is that a real thing, though, that they'd be, like, really homophobic and stuff like that at a.

[A]

Cage fighting event in the South? Yeah, I bet they'd be pissed.

[B]

Wrestling seems a little more progressive.

[A]

Yeah. We're talking. That was like, UFC shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But wrestling is much more performative.

[A]

Wrestling is definitely overcorrected for how homophobic it was in the 80s and 90s.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What I mean is, like, don't. Isn't a lot of it fake?

[A]

Yes. Predetermined.

[C]

That's what I mean. Like, performative.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. I mean, a lot of those guys, you know, if they get hit by it, they're getting hit by, like, real chairs and sticks and stuff. And in a way that hurts less, but it still, like, hurts, you know?

[A]

Yeah, it's predetermined. However, I would say the cage fighting world is still a little.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

More Andrew Tatey gloves in cage fighting. Yes. What's the most violent cage fighting and.

[B]

Probably bare knuckle boxing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Does anyone ever die?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. More people have died in actual boxing matches than in UFC MMA fights.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Which is the most. You have to be. What's the most athletic one that you have to be?

[A]

The.

[C]

Like, the.

[B]

Probably mma, I would assume, because it has so many different disciplines of fighting, but I think all those.

[A]

There's an acrobatics to wrestling, pro wrestling, that's a little different. But as far as elite athletes. Yeah. If you're going to be the top of the game, it's probably mma.

[B]

But also I think anyone who's at the top of any athletic.

[A]

Yeah. Is incredibly gifted.

[B]

Is like the. Is as athletic as you could possibly be. Like, you know.

[A]

Yeah. There's guys. I mean, they had their choice, basically.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our great friends at Small Batch Cigar. Simple, Fast. Small Batch having cigars. In the house is the same as having a nice bottle of wine, some fine cheeses. It shows that you are a person of class and elegance. And I am not someone who has either of those things, so I'm lucky to have friends like Small batch Cigar. They have free shipping on every order with almost every order arriving within two to three days. Within the continental United States, it's the most thorough packaging in the industry. They come with that Boveda pack included with every purchase. So your orders are super fresh. And they have an amazing selection of rare, limited, and hard to find cigars. And you earn 5% rewards points instantly with your purchase. If you go to smallbatch cigar.com today, most people click the new button first to shop their newest arrivals. And if you use my discount code, GAS10. GAS10, you get 10% off plus those 5% rewards points. So check them out, let us know what you think. Small Batch Cigar. Simple, fast, Small batch. Let's get back into the show.

[C]

I would someday love to go to a wrestling match.

[A]

They're really fun.

[C]

If you ever can take me.

[B]

Yes, of course you should go to the.

[C]

So fun.

[B]

You should go to the independent ones in Brooklyn if you can.

[C]

I'm just gonna go with Zach one.

[A]

Yeah, they're really. Yeah, I'll take it. Of course.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

Fun. They're super, super fun. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, it's a great.

[C]

I'll relapse and then I'll get her in the ring. I'll be the standing up sh.

[A]

We have so much silly shit to talk about today. First things first, a story near and dear to my heart. Now I have to say the theme of the show is more and more murder based. I'm fine with that.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Well, white women love murder.

[A]

Well, speaking of white women who love.

[C]

Murder, I'm gonna need a mop to clean up my seat after.

[B]

Oh, shit. This is going on ebay.

[A]

A young lady by the name of Morgan Geyser has cut off her ankle monitor and escaped her group home 11 years after her crime, which you guys may remember as the Slender man stabbings.

[B]

Yo, the Slender man got back to her and is controlling her once again.

[A]

So Chloe to fill you in and Shannon, please fact check me as always, because sometimes I start talking and I don't know what I'm speaking on.

[B]

If I remember correctly, this has been 11 years, so I don't know.

[C]

Nowadays I thought they would call it the Ozempic murders.

[A]

Do you know who Slenderman is?

[D]

No.

[A]

Okay, Slenderman was like the first, like creepypasta Right. It was like an Internet meme.

[B]

Meme horror guy. It's just like a big.

[A]

He was like an urban legend meme type thing that would say a very tall guy with no face.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Yeah, there he is.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So that's the Slenderman.

[C]

That's me.

[B]

That's you and the Slenderman.

[A]

Yes, that's you and Kirk getting ready to go do these for women.

[C]

That was the night I lost my virginity.

[A]

So what most guys do, they text the next day and they're like, I had a good time.

[B]

Slenderman texted me. Oh, this was a great time last night. We didn't kill nobody.

[C]

You should bring Kurt to a wrestling match. I'm sure he'd yell at that guy.

[A]

So Slender man was like a big, mean. And I guess certain kids were afraid of Slender man coming to get. And it would be like a thing. Like, if you don't send this to however many people Slender Man's gonna appear, et cetera, there would be fake short stories about them.

[C]

Anyway, wait, Kurt didn't say, you should. He said.

[A]

No, I know, I know, I know. I'm aware. I'm aware. I'm aware. And in. What was this, Shannon, Michigan or Wisconsin?

[B]

It was north. It was up north. I know that. It was in the wood. Like, they were at a playground.

[D]

Wisconsin.

[A]

It was Wisconsin. And I know that because I got a full tour.

[B]

Oh. Of the scene.

[A]

Of the scene from a local. So they. It was girls. They were convinced they had to kill their friend as a sacrifice to Slender man, so they took her to a bathroom and stabbed the living fuck out of her. And she managed to crawl like a mile to get found. And it's like a brutal. They were like a let. There's 11 years, but they were kid kids.

[C]

How old? Oh, my God.

[B]

They're like little girls and a little nerd boy from young Sheldon.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I got a tour of. I saw the bathroom. I saw her root everything. Well, Morgan, who was the stabber is out and she's free and they can't find her.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And where is this? Is this in Wisconsin?

[A]

Shannon, can you fill us in?

[D]

Yes. So actually, since I sent you the story this morning, there is an update, and they did find her.

[A]

Fucking. Oh, God damn it.

[D]

We were rooting for her, but I'll show you what she looks like now. I'm sure it's not surprising at all.

[C]

Oh, God. She looks like what, a Shiloh Pitt.

[D]

So a few years ago. There's something confusing about this article that I. I Maybe I'm missing something, but it said that after she served 11 or so years, that they released her to the care of her father, but she had to wear an ankle bracelet. But it's saying in the article that she escaped from a group home. And either way, she cut her ankle bracelet off and disappeared. And they did just find her this morning.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Where did they find her?

[B]

Hanging with Slender Man.

[A]

Yeah. Get right. Getting ready.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like Slender man cut it off.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

I feel like she woke up in the middle of the night, and Slenderman was standing over the bed with a knife, and she's like, oh, no. He's like, don't worry. And he cut it off.

[C]

Were they in contact with Slender Man? Like, what. What prompted them to think they had to do a sacrifice?

[A]

He's not real.

[C]

Well, with the person who was making the page.

[B]

No, no, no. No one. They just convinced themselves that they had to sacrifice their friend to Slender man, that no one, like, on the Internet.

[A]

There wasn't somebody being like, hey, I'm Slender Man. Can you venmo me $40?

[C]

Oh, I thought that Slender man was, like, a handle on Instagram or something.

[B]

No, Slenderman's just an idea.

[A]

No, it was like an urban legend.

[C]

Oh, okay. Which friend did they kill? Was there any reasoning?

[B]

Well, I thought it was a. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm thinking of something else. Wasn't there a Slender man one where they killed a little girl?

[A]

Like, no, this was a girl that was their age.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

But so supposedly, maybe. Because I've now met people that went to high school. Excuse me. Went to the school with them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who came to my shows in Wisconsin.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

They wanted to get. These two goth bitches were there. They wanted to dish.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And they said that the girl that got stabbed was supposed to be the third person, and there was a fourth girl that they were all gonna stab, and she backed out and said, I don't think we should do this. So they decided to turn on her.

[B]

Oh, so she grew a conscience. Slenderman cannot be having that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they had to take the bitch out. I get that.

[A]

But I guess the fourth person just got lucky as a duck.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So what's the urban legend about Slenderman?

[B]

I don't know. I actually don't. I have no fucking idea.

[A]

That he's a big, tall guy that, like, takes you and.

[B]

Yeah. He takes children. I think into the.

[A]

Just Google Slender man and explain it to Chloe real quick. I feel like we're not doing justice to. I feel like she's not understanding the concept.

[B]

She seems, she seems pissed at the whole scenario, to be quite honest.

[C]

I'm here right now.

[A]

Do you understand, like the idea that it's an urban legend?

[C]

I do, but I'm saying urban legends usually have a story.

[A]

Yeah, he's a big tall man with no face.

[C]

That's a pretty shitty urban legend if there's nothing else to it. Like, what is he known for?

[D]

So it's a fictional character created online in 2009 that has since become an urban legend. He's depicted as a tall, faceless man in a suit who stalks and abducts people, particularly children. The mythos grew from a user generated story contest, evolving through online forums, video games and web series is into a cultural phenomenon that is linked to real world events. So people would make up stories about the Slender man, like abducting children.

[B]

And that's why I've been saying we need to get rid of user generated story contests.

[A]

That's why it's got to go.

[B]

Nothing good's ever come of them.

[A]

I've said I will go on a deep dive every now and then and do some creepypastas and scare the living shit out of myself at like 2 in the morning.

[C]

Yeah, I never even heard the term creepypastas.

[A]

That's what that was like the website that people. It was, they would send stories.

[C]

Got it, got it.

[B]

And then you read these stories like, you know, it'll scare me and I know they're creepypastas and I know they're not real, but I'll. I have like my TikTok feed sometimes will pull up like scary Reddit events, like people telling like a scary story that happened to them. Watching it in bed. And I'm like, oh, that could happen to me.

[A]

The one that got. I remember getting really scared. It was so dumb. But it was like there's an episode of spongebob that got taken down because it told kids to murder their parents. Or there was another siren head. Is another, like Mythos one Siren.

[C]

Do you remember there were like the shows on YouTube then when kids on iPads, they would like watch these random videos that were regular.

[A]

Yeah. And then it would eventually get weird.

[C]

Like a black screen, like, ah. And then it would like come back.

[A]

Yes, yes, very much so.

[C]

And it was supposed to like, I guess like train them in a weird way.

[A]

Right. Can you look up Siren? I don't know why. I remember Bob Kelly Sung being afraid of siren head.

[B]

My bitch gave me that siren head.

[A]

And I just remember I think they've even made, like, videos, like, fake videos of siren head sightings. But he's like a giant guy with.

[B]

Literally a siren for a head.

[A]

A siren for a head.

[D]

Yes. There's some different depictions.

[C]

Oh, God, this is scary.

[D]

And then. Let me just see what the story is.

[B]

I could see Bob Kelly's son being scared of that. I could see myself being scared of that. At some point in time.

[C]

I'm scared of it.

[D]

So it stalks isolated areas, using its sirens to emit disturbing sounds, like distorted radio broadcast static mimics human screams. Blah, blah, blah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you see if there's a video? Because I've seen a couple that. And they. They do them pretty good.

[B]

Things that scare me are the things with big eyes. I don't like big eye stuff, you know, like aliens. Oh. It always scared the hell out of me.

[A]

Like, grays.

[B]

The grays. And, yeah, it always got me. I think it was probably because I was abducted and raped by an alien.

[A]

But, yeah, that'll do it.

[C]

Did you poop?

[A]

After I pooped on his foot, he went, oops. That was an accident.

[D]

Oops.

[C]

Wait, what is. There's a whole phobia of clowns.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's like a big, big thing, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Why?

[A]

Because.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

They're creepy, they're exaggerated, I think.

[C]

What's it called?

[A]

I can't. Coulrophobia. That's not it. That's something else.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I have the opposite. I have whatever the opposite is.

[D]

Shannon, that sounds about what the spelling is. It's chlorophobia. C, O, U, L. Wow.

[B]

Good job, Zach.

[A]

I mean, of all the things I'm gonna know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, you shouldn't.

[A]

Come on, let's. Let's be honest.

[B]

Yeah, I. Some of the clowns are scary, like the new.

[A]

Oh, yeah. This is the exact siren head I've seen. Hey, guys, remember when weekends were fun? Reclaim your Saturdays with In the Cloud. In the Cloud is your online cannabis dispensary for all things ounces. For just 70 bucks. Gummies that really taste like candy, plus flour, pre rolls, and more. Guys, I am a gummy boy. I enjoy them. They have these great soda gummies. They taste awesome, and. And to me, they are the perfect, perfect amount of milligrams. They make me feel good. Light, a little light, a little silly, but they don't put me right to sleep. I don't feel panicky. I really love them. They also have pre rolls that are fantastic, all in the cloud. THC products are federally legal, DEA certified, lab tested, and shipped discreetly. So if you're 21 or older, head to InTheCloud Co and use code ZOO for 40% off your first order, plus free shipping. It's in the Cloud's biggest sale of the year, and it's live all month long. That's I n D A C L o u d dot. Code Zoo for 40% off and free shipping. As always, please enjoy responsibly. And thanks to in the Cloud for sponsoring today's episode. Let's get back into the show.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Right. It's a pretty cool little piece of business.

[B]

Siren head kind of looks kind of built like Victor Wembanyama.

[C]

Why would a kid be able to watch this?

[B]

I mean, you go on the Internet, you Type it into YouTube.

[A]

All right, that's good. Thank you. Yeah, that shit always gets me. Yeah. I'm also a simpleton. But, like, I think the Russian sleep experiment was one of the first creepypastas where they said that they kept people up for, like, months, and they all went crazy.

[B]

Oh, I thought that was real.

[A]

I don't think that the picture's definitely not real.

[B]

Oh, damn. Cool.

[A]

The one you were thinking of where the person looks like a vampire.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I didn't think the picture was real.

[A]

I just thought that the idea that.

[B]

They kept people up for Shannon, but.

[C]

I. Oh, my God. So I met this girl one time when I ran away from rehab, and I took a bunch of pills. I had to go to a psych ward, and there was this girl in there that seemed really normal. And I was like, oh, a normal girl? And I asked her, I was like, why are you here? And she said she was trying to join isis. And she said the reason why is because she worked for some crisis news network and her.

[A]

And she forgot to see in the R that day.

[C]

Well, no, and so good. That was genius.

[A]

Wow, that's really good.

[C]

I can't even comprehend how smart. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, it got me. Holy shit.

[C]

So basically, she. Her job on, like, her desk, she had to watch the, like, ISIS, like, beheading videos over and over again. And it started to, like, train.

[A]

That's a job? Yeah, I've been working for free.

[B]

I know, motherfucker. I've watched so many people die online.

[A]

So she. She basically got like.

[C]

She. It was like. I don't know. It was like brainwashing her. And she started saying, like, freaking out to her boyfriend. I'm gonna jump in front of a trainer. I'm Gonna join isis. I'm gonna jump in front of a train. And started, like, saying this, like, on repeat, and then was, like, packing and was like, I'm going to join isis. And so they checked her into a psych ward.

[A]

That'll do.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

But also realize that where you were mentally when you were like, this girl seems normal. You probably. The two of you were both, like, hitting each other on the head with mallets, yelling cuckoo, and fucking climbing up the walls.

[C]

Yeah. It was so heavily sedated in those places that.

[B]

Is that. Doing the Detox center, they give, like. When you do the comedy at the Detox center, they give them their sedation pills right before the show. So you always want to be the first comic up?

[C]

No, I did. I was in a rehab once, and they had a comedy show, and it was the first. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. So they didn't. They wanted to, like, fill the room and all the, like, the patients and stuff. We got to do, like, acts and stuff. And everyone was, like, singing. And one guy went up and he just wrote his gang tag on a whiteboard, and then he was, like, done. And this one guy took a pack of menthols, and I guess if you push it, you can make a cigarette holder. And he did that, and then he lit it. And everyone was like, you can't do that. And so it wasn't full in the room. So they took everyone from Detox who had just gotten there, who still fucked up, and put them in the audience, too. And these people, I'm telling you, were losing their fucking minds. Like, this one drunk, like, kind of wine woman was in there, and she's, like, dancing and screaming like she was at, like, a fucking hall and Oates concert. It was maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[A]

And was there a comic, or it was just a talent show?

[C]

No, no, no. It was by the U.S. no, it was the rehab people in the rehab guys, we.

[A]

You know what we need to do? Put on a show.

[C]

No. Yeah, we performed. It was. That's why someone was, like, doing a gang tag.

[B]

And, like, they got this from that episode of House when House had to go to rehab and Lin Manuel Miranda was there. What did you do? What was your thing?

[C]

Well, they wouldn't let me do standup because they said it was too triggering. And we had to go to the music teacher before and practice our acts for approval. And I sang a song. I. I sang that song, you Don't Own Me. You know, like, you don't own me. I'm not just one of your little toys. The one from First Wives Club?

[B]

Yes. Oh, yes, Now I know it.

[C]

Shannon, you know that song, right?

[D]

Yes, I do. Why don't you do a little bit of it for us?

[A]

Yeah, go ahead. Pretend it's rehab all over again.

[C]

Really bad at singing. You don't own me. I'm not just one of your little toys. I don't know the words anymore. But anyways, I was like. I was like, this song goes out to my alcoholism. And then I started screaming like, you don't own me.

[B]

Were people going crazy?

[C]

Yeah, they're having a good time.

[B]

That's great. Who was the best one?

[C]

It was this. This guy. And I can't remember his name. I think his name was like Hercules or something. And he was like this big black guy who would wear steel. He wore the same Steelers jersey every day.

[A]

And.

[C]

And he had. He had sleep. He would like fall. He had sleep apnea problems. And he'd fall asleep all the time in groups and then wake himself up screaming. But anyways, he went up and he sat on a stool and he sang a song. He ended up just singing a Creed song, like six Feet from the Edge. And I'm thinking. And it was like. No. He sang with our arms wide open and he was like, really good. And then the track started cutting and he was like. When the track was cutting, he was an incredible.

[B]

He was just. This man was a talented cell.

[C]

Nobody saw it coming.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

He was like. And he was like 55.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

It was incredible. He left the rehab so many times in ambulances and he just kept coming.

[A]

Back from like seizures and.

[C]

No. Just because he couldn't breathe.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

Oh, he belted it all out with his songs.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Everyone was blown away. With savings over $390 this shopping season, VRVO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time with those you love most. From snow on the roof to sand between your toes. We have all the vacation rental options covered. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay. Save over $390 this holiday season and book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396. Select homes only.

[B]

I love it. That's crazy. That's awesome.

[C]

It was a fun. I've never seen anything funnier in my life.

[A]

It reminds me of. This is a very. I apologize for how nerdy this reference is because you're both not gonna get it and I'm already regretting the Sentence.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The end of. I believe the movie's called Sullivan's Travels.

[C]

I've heard of that movie.

[B]

I think I've seen it.

[A]

It's like an old timey director and he makes comedy movies and he wants to make a serious movie that's going to be like his opus, that he's a real filmmaker. Yeah. And he decides to become, like, poor and, like, really find out about, like, struggles and shit. And he winds up at the end of the movie in, like, this very destitute, like, almost like a homeless shelter. He's lost everything. His life is horrible. And they show one of his old movies and everyone goes bananas at laughs and he realizes that's his real job. Yeah. It's not to exploit people's sadness and document it. It's to solve it with, like, this, like, very, like, fluff, kind of silly comedy that helps them escape.

[B]

Yeah, I like that. Why? Was that dirty?

[A]

No, it's not dirty. It was just a fucking nerdy.

[B]

Oh, nerdy. I was. I was like.

[A]

Did I get. Is that Sullivan's Travel Shannon or Sullivan something?

[C]

Sullivan's Crossing.

[D]

It's. I think it's Sullivan Travels. I found the ending scene.

[A]

Yeah. Is that. It is.

[D]

It's black and white.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Black and white. Here, I could show you the ending scene.

[B]

I was getting ready for him to, like, on a foot or something.

[C]

I was gonna go a little forward.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will make old brother positive.

[C]

Disappoint you.

[A]

Sorry to disappoint you. Yes. And I say keep going. Embarrassment.

[C]

But I don't want to make oh, brother.

[A]

Oh, this is. Never mind. Never. This is after that. This is. He's. He's meeting with the. He's meeting with the executives after that. Don't worry about it.

[B]

So he turns down, oh, Brother, where art Thou? The Cohen brothers get it. And then the rest.

[A]

Oh, brother, where art Thou? I believe is supposed to be the movie that he wanted to make. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I believe. Yes, it is. That is the reference that Coen brothers took over. All right, we got a bunch of other silly shit today. Suspected burglars busted after getting caught on video Fucking.

[B]

Whoa. Let's go.

[A]

Chloe woke up.

[C]

I was looking at a stain on my shirt.

[B]

I spilled coffee on my shirt before I got here, too. I was wearing my Jesus loves you shirt to stick it in God's eye today.

[A]

Shannon.

[D]

I don't have a video of them fucking to preface it. I'm sorry.

[B]

Was it two dudes? Shannon?

[D]

No, here's that. Here. Here's their mug Shots.

[A]

Could be worse.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So they snuck into a restaurant and took $450 of cash out of the register. And then before they left completely, they went onto the patio of the restaurant and banged.

[A]

Can we see them again?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Is her name Suck a dick?

[B]

Yeah. How would you pronounce her last name?

[D]

Shannon Sukanik.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Saic.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying it's definitely not suck.

[B]

No, I was just saying it's a weird that her boyfriend's white with that last name.

[C]

What a good disguise.

[A]

They. She. She looks methy.

[C]

She's wearing a burka kind of.

[A]

She looks a little. A little. Little ratty.

[B]

Yes. Like, though she's got, like.

[A]

I think it's the black light too, because that's the. That's the kind of footage you see of rats, like, taking over a building. So I feel like that's why she kind of looks extra mousy.

[B]

Do you think that the sex was meth fueled?

[C]

Were they on meth?

[B]

They just look kind of messy to me.

[A]

They look a little messy. I think it could be just the excitement of the crime.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Like, hey, honey, let's leave some DNA all over this crime. We can. This $450 we just stole. License to go. Turn around now.

[C]

Yeah. What are they gonna do with it?

[D]

It was also a very Instagrammy looking restaurant. Here's a picture of it. And it's on the patio that they had sex.

[C]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[D]

Very pretty.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I'm sure it was very romantic in the moment.

[B]

Yeah, The.

[A]

The.

[B]

The restaurant went from an A to a B after that. Cleanliness. That's. Man, I wish we had the video of them plowing.

[A]

Yeah. Chloe, here's your opportunity to tell a weird story about rehab people. Go ahead.

[C]

Everybody has sex in rehab.

[B]

They do?

[C]

Yeah. The first thing you do when you get to rehab is you find a boyfriend.

[B]

That's the same thing I did in jail.

[C]

Really?

[B]

No, I'm kidding.

[C]

I don't even know a weird story. I guess I have one. When I was at. In Malibu, there is this guy I was obsessed with, and he was so cool because he was like, LA guy. And he got addicted to heroin. And the heroin acts are like the Hawkeyes in rehab.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Like the really hot ones. Or if you, like, want a crazy guy, you go for the bipolar guy. That one's fun, but not for me. And he had this drug dealer named Baby Dog, and we were allowed to have our phones at this rehab. And Baby Dog kept texting him, saying, like, hey, like, I can't even send my kid to summer camp because you're not my client anymore.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

And Baby Dog was a rapper. And then so he said he felt really bad, so he called Baby Dog, and Baby Dog threw a bag of Xanax and coke over one of the hedges and he took it. And everybody. Like, at least there's probably 20 people there. I'd say at least 10 of us. So started getting up at the rehab and.

[A]

Yeah, that's just my baby doll.

[C]

Yeah. And then we had sex in a. We had sex in a shower.

[A]

Nice. And they tried to. Then you shit on his foot.

[C]

He couldn't get it up. So it wasn't really sex.

[B]

Oh, no. That was. That's what we call a soft rape. The did. So how did he pay Baby Dog? Would he cash app him or something?

[C]

He had a check.

[B]

Oh, he brought his checks to rehab. Okay, good.

[A]

This is not a good rehab.

[C]

No.

[A]

If you're within throwing distance. That's crazy of Baby Dog.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Also that's so shitty of Baby Dog to put his future on his clients.

[C]

Because drug dealers are always so moral.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. But I'm just saying it's kind of. Kind of shitty, you know?

[A]

I think it's crazy to be named Baby Dog when there's the word puppy. I've never.

[B]

You just could be puppy. Yeah, well, puppy's not that hard. Baby Dog is a little hard, you know?

[A]

Yeah. But if somebody saw Baby Dog in my phone, they go, is that your drug dealer? If they saw puppy.

[B]

My brother used to have a drug dealer named Lil Bacon.

[C]

I had one in college. His name was Fortune.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

That. See, that's manifesting. That's how you manifest to be my drug dealer.

[A]

When I first moved to Bay Ridge, just weed was dude. And I only knew him as dude because when I first got to Bay Ridge, I didn't have anybody. I was dating somebody that smoked a lot of weed and we didn't have a dealer. And she was being a real fucking tough cookie about it.

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[A]

Because she didn't want to go get it. She wanted me to do the work. And then so I met a dude outside of my building that had face tattoos. And I was like, hey, are you a tattoo artist? And he goes, no. I went, cool. What do you charge for weed? And he lived in my building, so he would just. I would just knock on his door and he would. No bag or anything. I would just hand him cash and he would just fill my hand with weed.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

That's nice.

[A]

And he was just the dude. Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our great friends at Eurocratom, home of the $60 kilo. Stop going to bodega smoke shops and gas stations and getting a little bit of Kratom at a time when you can go to Yo Kratom. If you don't use Kratom, don't start on my account. But if you use Kratom for one of its many benefits, yocratum.com has the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at the network. Okay. There's no promo code needed. Why? It's already the best deal in the world to kratom. That's right. 60 bucks for a whole kilo delivered right to your door. Yokoratum.com Home of the $60 kilo. Let's get back into the program. Wow. Yeah, it was a pretty good deal.

[B]

And the weed was fine.

[A]

Yeah, it was pretty good. We had him and we had a guy that was always selling iPhones on our steps.

[C]

That's cool.

[A]

Yeah, he was pretty gnarly. He was a nice guy. Yeah, yeah, he. Oh, he must have had, like. Because he was always selling iPhones and Jordans. He always just had bags full of them.

[B]

Wonder where he was getting them.

[A]

And then we had Denise McMahon. Denise McMahon. There were flyers all over the building to not let Denise in.

[B]

Why?

[A]

So Denise was some local fucking homeless drunk lady.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Still pretty together. And she must have went home with somebody that lived in the building and then started squatting there. Girls move in fast, and she would, like, throw shit out the, like, furniture out the window. She would sit in our lobby smoking, asking people for money.

[B]

Yeah, we had one of those the other day. Smoke lobby smoker.

[A]

Yeah. Asking everybody that came in for a dollar. She would always have a big tall boy of crazy stallion. Yeah, the. The old 99 cent tall boys that I used to drink.

[C]

Was she hot?

[A]

No, she was pretty tough.

[B]

That sucks. You want them to be.

[A]

And then I guess she followed people back to their apartment sometimes when they wouldn't give her money. And then she had diarrhea in our elevator.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I remember my roommate at the time got the elevator and they're like, somebody made a big mess in there yesterday. And then there were posters everywhere, like, do not let Denise McMahon in the building. She is who's shooting in the elevator.

[B]

We had. When I lived in Crown Heights, we had a little problem like that where the Homeless people would just come in. They had to build. They had to build out our. You know, when it, like, goes under the stoop, that little area that goes into the basement. They had to, like, build it out because people would go under there and smoke crack.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I would sit on the stoop and smoke cigarettes. And this woman popped up one day. She goes, hey, you got five bucks? I go, you were just smoking crack underneath my stoop? She goes, how do you know I was smoking crack? It smells like crack everywhere. Are you insane?

[A]

Ma'? Am?

[B]

It's.

[A]

It reeks of crack, ma'. Am.

[B]

Yeah. And we did. I guess whatever person lived in my old apartment was the one that would, like, was nice to the homeless people because they would ring our doorbell and ask for Marie. And they're. They're like, Marie said that she give me some soups. She got soups for me. She gave me soups every Thursday. I was like, marie doesn't live here. She's not here anymore. I don't have soup for me. Bitch, go away.

[A]

My favorite was Eric, who used to work here years ago. He lives a few blocks from here. And it was a little rough and tumble at the time. And they had a guy who was selling crack on their door, on their stairs, in the front of their building. So he told the super. So the super built a cage around it.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That you needed a key for. And someone, of course, gave him the key. So now he just had a cage to deal crack out of.

[B]

Right. Smart.

[A]

So Eric calls the police, like, hey, there's a guy selling crack in the cage in front of my house. And they're like, yeah, we're not going to be able to call come right now. He goes, oh, okay. I'd like to report a violent crime. Somebody just beat the shit out of a guy outside with a bat. They're like, what happened? He goes, in about five minutes from now, if you guys don't beat me out there, I'm going to kill him. Wow. So they came and got the guy.

[B]

That's great. We have a. We have. They sell heroin on our street now. And a big fat guy fucking passed out with all his heroin. His heroin fell out of its pocke.

[A]

That's where that went.

[B]

His big bag. It was like. It was like this big of a bag. It was like. It had to be like 60 or 70 vials in the bag.

[A]

That's why he was asleep.

[B]

Yeah. So he passed out. He's on our stoop. Micah comes home, she picks up his Big bag of heroin and brings it inside, and she goes, hey, look what I found. I go, put that back.

[A]

He's going to be very upset.

[B]

Well, she's like, well, I mean, you snooze, you lose. I was like, who are we going to sell it to, Micah? We're Both in our 40s. No one's going to. We're. We're not getting into the heroin game now. If you guys became dope dealers.

[A]

They both just start wearing fur coats. I know.

[B]

Well, no, Micah would be in charge of the money. It would be like that scene in Goodfellas where Robert De Niro is getting.

[A]

Mad at everyone for spending cash. Oh, yeah, you buy a pink Cadillac, she makes you return it.

[B]

Yeah. I end up dead. Cause I've been spending all our heroin.

[A]

Yeah, you're hanging in a meat truck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, the Rolling Stones are playing.

[B]

I couldn't believe she brought it inside. I was like, micah, we don't need an insane felony's worth of heroin.

[A]

Well, that. If it's already packaged like that. I think you get intent to distribute.

[B]

It was crazy, right? Yeah.

[C]

What do you do with it?

[B]

She put it back next to the guy who was passed out. No, no, no, she didn't. She threw it away in the trash in your house? Outside. In the outside trash.

[C]

So her fingerprints are on it.

[B]

Oh, sure. But it's just a bag. It could. I mean, a bunch of fingerprints got on it from the people that go through the trash, probably.

[A]

Yeah. Whoever stole whatever garbage man took it and sold it.

[C]

Maybe that was the guy who got parked in front of your house because he fell asleep.

[A]

That'll do.

[B]

He nodded out that we had that happen. The. The trash. The trash truck. We needed to go to the airport, and we called our Uber and it was behind the trash truck. And then we had to absolutely hustle to get to our plane. It fucking sucked.

[A]

Absolute fucking nightmare. All right, new story. You ready? 22 year old dies after declaring. Look at this. And trying to eat entire hamburger in one bite.

[C]

Oh, my God, they died.

[B]

How big? Okay. Was it like you could do that with a McDonald's hamburger?

[A]

I feel like I want to find out more, Shannon.

[D]

Okay. So at first, they were blaming this on some sort of TikTok challenge or something.

[A]

Hold on. Pause. I feel like a Wendy's Jr. Cheeseburger I could do in a bite. Yeah, I feel like I could take, like, a pill.

[B]

You gotta go baconless, though. The bacon.

[A]

I. Yeah, the bacon's too chewy. I feel like everything else you could Muscle down.

[B]

Yeah. And they put so much mayo on there that it's like it's lubed up. Yeah. How's that not sliding down?

[A]

Go ahead, Chad. Sorry, I had to talk about hamburgers first.

[D]

So he was with a bunch of friends and family members, and then all of a sudden, after they were served their food, said, look at this. He sh. Attempted to swallow the whole burger in one bite. And everyone was laughing, joking about it. And then he stood up and, like, immediately walked away from the table and ran outside. They thought this was part of him joking about it, but he had stopped breathing because it was lodged in his throat. There were people around that were trying to help, but apparently the Heimlich maneuver before the EMTs got there. When they got there, he had already been without oxygen for over three minutes. So he went on to live for five more days, but there was irreparable organ damage because he didn't have oxygen and he died.

[B]

Damn sad. The guy's just trying to clown around with his family.

[A]

Did it say where it was, Shannon? The establishment.

[D]

Oh, is. It was in Greece.

[A]

Oh, they're not.

[C]

They're not very good at making hamburgers. They're probably very dry.

[A]

Yeah, I bet it was a dry ass burger. Yeah, these has, like, feta on.

[B]

Was probably goat. Goddamn goat meat burger.

[A]

That'll do it.

[B]

Nobody wants any of that shit.

[A]

I love Greek food.

[C]

His body was even rejected. Dang it.

[A]

I love Greek food. I love olives. I love feta. That's all my.

[B]

Are you a Greek food person, or do you not like the Greek people?

[A]

No, we know Chloe doesn't like Greek. Remember that guy? That's why she on that guy's show. Chloe doesn't speak Greek.

[C]

No. Beware of bearing. Beware of people. Greeks bearing gifts. I've got a Trojan horse in my ass.

[A]

Do you speak.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Do people still use that term?

[C]

Trojan horse?

[A]

Speak Greek?

[B]

Yeah, they use it in the newest season of Peacemaker.

[A]

Oh, yeah. They do.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Well, you're familiar with the term, right? Speak Greek means the dual anal.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, okay. I'm a quarter Greek.

[B]

There you go. When you hire a prostitute.

[A]

Wait, I'm trying to figure out what that. What that translates to as far as analysis. Like a thumb. Yeah, yeah, that'll do it.

[B]

Yeah. I'll eat a guy's ass, but I'm not letting him eat my ass if.

[A]

That makes Shannon clip it. We're going to play that every time Tim. Every time Tim's on the show. That's going to be a Button.

[B]

That's all right. I'll take it.

[A]

All right, what else we got here today? Okay, let's, let's keep the good times rolling. Uh, cancer surviving grandma.

[B]

Hey, I like that. Robbed a, robbed a bank and then fucked a guy right afterwards.

[A]

Not that bad.

[B]

Damn it.

[C]

Ate Tim's ass.

[B]

Ate my ass. And I didn't reciprocate.

[A]

Decapitated by carbage truck. Near horrified kids and parents. What the fuck, Shannon?

[C]

Decapitated. That's aggressive as fuck.

[D]

Also don't have this video. Sorry.

[C]

Does blood spurt out when you actually get decapitated?

[A]

I would assume something, maybe not like a fire hose effect.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if it's like a Japanese movie, but I would assume it gushes out of your neck hole.

[A]

Yeah. Because your femoral arteries right there. Yeah, your arteries right there. So. Yeah, of course. Good.

[D]

So apparently this, the area where she was crossing is a roundabout. I have the image here if you want to see it.

[A]

Of course.

[D]

And so the garbage truck was making this quick turn around here. It clipped her as she was crossing the street.

[C]

I don't understand how it clipped her like that. It decapitated her.

[B]

Yeah. Was there garbage? Was there. Were they picking up knives that day?

[C]

Like, what part of it.

[A]

Well, I would assume, depending on how fast they're going, would the side mirror be able to knock your head off?

[B]

That was my thought, that the side mirror whacked.

[A]

It also could have, like, pinned her down.

[D]

That's what I, I, I think that maybe like their term of decapitation, it's not saying that, like her head flew off, but it said that it left her crushed under the tires and her head completely destroyed. It mushed her head off.

[C]

A soft decapitation.

[A]

Yeah, soft decapitation. Yeah. In front of a bunch of people too, right?

[C]

Yeah, it was a decaffetation.

[A]

Decaffetation.

[D]

It was 8am on a Wednesday, so they're near an elementary school.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

So a bunch of kids saw it and now they're offering mental health services to the children that observed it.

[B]

God, that's crazy. What was it her fault? Was she like, trying to cross the thing?

[A]

Like, I mean, I blame her regardless.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. Me too.

[D]

This is her if you want to see her.

[A]

This is her with a head.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Remember, she looks pretty bright. I'm surprised they could. They hit her.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. Traffic guard or whatever.

[A]

And do you think when the, do you think when the truck was coming, she said.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I know. Those were her last words.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Her last words were, I ate Tim's ass.

[B]

Poor abuelita.

[A]

A number of years ago in the town I grew up in. So there's like a main drag, Patterson Plank Road. That's where everybody kind of drives in a circle. And there was. There's a. I guess. I don't know what you call. I guess not. Not a mini mall, but like a strip of stores with a big parking lot.

[B]

Yeah, strip mall.

[A]

Yeah. So there's like a CVS that used to be an Acme. Grocery store, flower store, pizza shop, a bunch of shit. And there's a bus stop at the end of it. And there was an old, old lady who I guess was living in her car and had dementia. And she was parked with her. The ass of the car was facing the glass bus stop.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And she went to take off and was in reverse, I think, and went through the bus stop and decapitated a guy in the middle of the road. The main road in town.

[C]

Oh, fuck.

[A]

So they had a, you know, rope it off or whatever, keep people from seeing. But I was. I was working as a janitor at the time because my life is awesome.

[B]

They sent you to clean it up.

[C]

Because my life is a movie?

[B]

No.

[A]

But one of the other janitors was a volunteer emp. Tea.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And when we went to work the next day, he went, you guys want to see?

[B]

Oh, he took pictures on his flip phone. Jesus.

[A]

Decapitation pictures. And I was like, yeah, I want to see.

[B]

Of course. I always want to see.

[A]

So then, like six months later, or maybe within the year, was the first time I did stand up in Sea Caucus. And it was up the road at a bar, the same. Patterson Plank Road. It's the Plank Road Inn. And I saw that they had rebuilt the bus stop, but the store that she had driven past was now a kfc, and the guy she killed was an African American man.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So my open air was like, one got one black guy murdered in the history of Sea Caucus. And you guys built a KFC where it happened. Do you know how mad his ghost is?

[B]

Did that get a good laugh? Huge. Let's go.

[A]

Topical, local humor.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

At a bar show opening for Otto and George. Yes.

[B]

Oh, you were opening. Damn, that's a long time ago.

[A]

That was my first ever paid gig. Wow. Opening for Otto and George at the Plank Road inn. I made $60.

[C]

Did KFC stand for killed for Chicken?

[A]

Very good. Very good, Khloe. She's in it now. Chloe's on the board.

[C]

I learned from the best thank you. The ISIS thing. Oh, my God. That was fucking genius.

[B]

Yeah, it doesn't get much better than that.

[C]

I'm gonna be thinking about that while I'm Masterpinucket.

[A]

Yeah, you are. All right, let's do one or two more, and then we're gonna get out of here. NYC man who targeted four White women in Serial Spit Spree is immediately released the next day.

[B]

Oh, the spitter's back. Oh, man, I heard about this guy spitting on fucking women.

[A]

I have not heard about this. Shannon, fill us in.

[C]

There's a guy. Sorry. Who's getting arrested for sniffing butts.

[A]

We've been covering him.

[C]

Okay, yeah, all right.

[B]

We're on the case here.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we're on the case of the bus.

[C]

It's crazy. He got. He got arrested, then he got caught again the next week. He's going to, like, Nordstrom Rack.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'll like. Tim, were you there for any of these? It's. He'll go to, like, clothing. I think the one we saw was a bookstore, which made a lot of sense.

[C]

Bending over to look at it for.

[A]

No. Well, you can be like, oh, I. I'm. I want a book on the bottom shelf. And then you could be next to a lady and then just. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

There's a lot of different reasons why me and the bud sniffer have never been in the same room at the same time.

[A]

Plus, I bet you get a real good whiff at a bookstore because bookstores make you have to shit.

[C]

Oh, I thought you meant because when they closed the books.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Because bookstores make you have to shit.

[B]

Is that true?

[A]

We've. We've. Shannon, explain it to Tim. There's something about the smell of books, and a lot of them have coffee shops.

[B]

Oh, that's true. Yeah.

[A]

But there is something about bookstores that make you have to shit. Shannon.

[C]

I think the fact that he went to Nordstrom Rack, he didn't get the memo that he should have been a Boo Boo guy, not a NAS guy.

[D]

It's called the Mariko Aoki phenomenon. Several theories attempt to explain it, including the relaxation triggered by the calm environment, the smell of paper and ink, the psychological association with reading on the toilet, or even the physical act of squatting or reaching lower shelves.

[B]

Oh, that's interesting. And the Steve Aoki phenomenon is that if your dad owns Benihana, you can become a dj. So there you go.

[A]

If you are an Asian with a silly mustache, you can throw a cake.

[C]

At a woman that definitely wouldn't have been Rocky's choice.

[A]

Shen, tell us about the spitter.

[D]

Okay, so he's a 45 year old black guy. And I specify that because they believe this to be a racially motivated crime. All four women that they have evidence that he spit on were white women. I have video of him doing it to one lady. And this all happened in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

[B]

Oh, I go there sometimes. Good thing I'm a dude.

[C]

Everybody goes to Williamsburg.

[A]

There's our spitter.

[C]

Oh, damn.

[B]

Her day is up.

[A]

Oh, it stinks too. Getting spit in your face. Stink smells. Oh, it's so gross.

[C]

How many women has he done this to?

[A]

4.

[C]

Dude, that's crazy. Remember that? Actually, my friend was walking on the Lower east side and the guy spit in her face.

[B]

You think it was it? Was it. Was it an African American gentleman about 45 years old?

[C]

I don't know. I'll double check.

[A]

She couldn't see he was either a middle aged black man or a dilophosaur. They're not sure yet. She did have on a yellow raincoat with a Hawaiian shirt. Chloe's. And was sneaking dinosaur embryos out in a fake can of Barbasol.

[B]

What is your friend Newman.

[A]

I love that Chloe just thinks I'm being silly and not just explaining the plot of Jurassic Park.

[C]

Ah, bingo. Dino DNA.

[A]

Chloe's just like, what a silly tangent. Zack's on. There he is. Okay.

[C]

Oh, now I remember that scene.

[B]

Oh, he's a patriot.

[A]

Yeah, he's an American. I don't know. And so he just get that there's no bit. He just got out. No. Scot free the next day.

[D]

Yeah, they just flipped him. And apparently he had. Was already out on bail for domestic violence. A couple of other crimes. So.

[C]

Yeah, Mondomini will solve this one.

[B]

Well, that guy.

[A]

Yeah, we'll give him a key to this city.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'll be riding the bus for free, spitting on all the white women he wants. I. I like that guy. I think he's cool. It's really a bummer to me he's got a domestic, you know, otherwise, I think he's an all right guy.

[C]

The guy who spits in the face. Yeah, I think about Madame.

[B]

No, mom. Donnie. I mean, my mom. Donnie's got Trump switching his style up. I love.

[A]

Yeah, he's got Trump dressing.

[C]

I think Trump's. And then they said, I saw like an interview where they're saying that they both have the same views on the housing.

[B]

Yeah, well, Trump, Trump after Trump saw how people voted for affordability. He's now switched up to affordability. He's like an affordability guy because he's.

[C]

Gonna go for a third term.

[B]

Yeah, he's gonna go for a third term. And he's working on his affordability.

[A]

I have a. By the way, everything is so expensive because they said he switched up his style. Yeah, he's got the. The scarf. He's looking pretty stylish.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Seen this yet, Shannon?

[A]

We usually don't talk about T Bird too much on the show. Yeah, I try not to.

[C]

Mm.

[A]

I try not to be. I try not to be overtly political because I feel like it divides people and makes the show less funny.

[B]

I'm an ultra liberal Satanist, so come at me, motherfuckers.

[A]

But I will say I think whoever finally put him in this outfit. Shannon, if you could bring up Trump in the bomb Donnie outfit.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like Queer Eye came for him.

[B]

He kind of looks like my grandma, to be quite honest.

[A]

A little grandma, but excellent job of covering up the pussy neck situation. Yes.

[C]

I think he looks way, way older in the outfit. Or maybe he just doesn't look orange and blonde anymore.

[B]

You think the burgundy takes away from the orange?

[C]

Yeah, I think it's a clash.

[A]

He kind of looks like a Batman villain. Like, casual, but I'm fine with it. But does fix the pussy neck. He does look like he's got an issue. Chloe, I don't know if you know this, where sometimes if his buttons a little too tight, his jowls, his neck will flap into a pussy. And can you search Trump? Pussy neck.

[C]

It's like Fat Bastard when he's like. But now my neck looks like a vagina.

[A]

Yes. Trump kind of has that.

[B]

They got. That's. He. Yeah, he does look like he works with Raj Al Ghul.

[A]

Yeah, he was a handsome. That's what they call. That's what they called Epstein.

[B]

Yeah, Epstein. He was Raj Al Ghul.

[C]

Trump was handsome when he was younger.

[B]

Oh, sure. Money makes a lot of people handsome.

[C]

You didn't think he was a good looking guy?

[B]

I thought he was fine looking. I just don't. I just never really liked his hairstyle, you know, the whole quaffed over. I just think there's a better way to do it. But, hey, it's just coming from a guy who's wearing a hat because he doesn't have much hair.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Well, it's not as much as I'd like it to be. You know, it's. It's not bad.

[C]

You got to get this guy to.

[A]

Turkey it's more than I think it's going to be every time. Yeah. Well.

[B]

And then if you look, like, on top, it's really thinning out.

[A]

That's not that bad.

[B]

It's not that bad, but it's. It's not as good as you want it to be when you look at it every once in a while.

[C]

How old were you when you started balding?

[B]

Oh, probably like 20 something.

[C]

Early 20s.

[B]

No. Yeah, probably mid 25 maybe.

[C]

What about you, Zach?

[A]

I don't know. Probably same.

[C]

That's crazy, because I know a guy who started Balding when he's 21.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I was like, is this a normal thing?

[B]

I went to school with a guy that started balding at, like, 16.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, same.

[B]

Yeah, it was up.

[C]

Yeah. I noticed there's some girls who are, like, 26 and have full gray hair.

[B]

Yeah, I've.

[A]

I've.

[B]

Mine started getting gray hair at 14, but I was hoping it would be fully, like, white by now.

[A]

Chrome.

[B]

That's what I want. That's all I want. I guess I could just die. Yeah. I could bleach it.

[C]

The same color as your head, as your skin.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. I read all the comments to these shows, and everyone's like, he brings up his fucking wife too much. So. But I have to bring her up.

[C]

You're married?

[B]

No, but I am because we've been together for so long. Micah goes. One day, she was looking at my head and she goes, there's a tan line from where your hair used to be. And then she laughed for 40 minutes, and it was the most hurtful shit. And she kept taking pictures of it. I was like, what the fuck?

[A]

You are in an abusive relationship. I need you to know that.

[B]

She fucking took my shoe off and hit me with it today. Like we're a Middle Eastern. It was crazy.

[A]

She took your shoe off your own foot?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because I was being a dickhead to her.

[A]

Okay, well, that'll do it.

[B]

But she fucking. She beat me with my own shoe like I was a damn Middle Eastern wife. I couldn't believe it.

[A]

You are a Middle Eastern wife now.

[B]

Damn. She's gonna have me wearing a burqa.

[A]

All right, let's do one more story, and then we're gonna get out of here. Here we go. We have another grandma story.

[B]

Oh, good. Hopefully she's alive this time.

[A]

Well, don't worry, she's dead. She's not decapitated by a garbage truck.

[C]

She has no legs.

[A]

Grandma mauled to death by deer. She Rescued by what? Rescue deer.

[B]

I almost said ate by dogs, but.

[A]

Controversy explodes over killer buck Shannon.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[D]

Okay, so this woman lives in Ohio. About 12 years ago.

[C]

More like Ohio, sorry.

[D]

12 years ago, she saw that a deer got hit on the highway and it left its little baby, like, circling its dead body. And so she felt so bad that she took in the baby and took care of it.

[A]

Mother.

[B]

Mother.

[D]

So she took. She took care of the baby. And then ever since she started that she started to take in other, like, injured deer.

[A]

Okay, so crazy lady.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

So that's what the. The controversy is over whether it was that initial deer. Weezer is his name. Whether it was.

[A]

Say it ain't.

[B]

So was it Weezer or Pinkerton or.

[C]

That was good.

[D]

So people are saying, like, it was it Weezer that did it to her. And her daughter is saying, absolutely, it was not Weezer. It was one of the newer ones because Weezer, she has like. She allowed it inside her house. I'll show you some pictures. She has, like, lots of pictures with it on her couch and stuff. Here's one picture.

[B]

If my mom started doing this, I'd be like, you're going to the home.

[A]

This lady ain't bad.

[C]

That's a big ass deer.

[D]

Oh, yeah. It's fully grown now. Yeah. Oh, that's 12 years ago.

[C]

And how did it kill her?

[A]

It maulder.

[C]

She was just hanging.

[D]

So she got stuck in the enclosure with another one of the deer and it just.

[B]

And it.

[A]

And it just antlered her.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. Damn, Gordon.

[A]

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

[B]

I guess I mean that. I like when you. When you hear a chimpanzee ripped a motherfucker's face off, you're like, yeah, man, you shouldn't be having chimpanzees at your. Damn.

[A]

They're wild animals or what? Listen, like, nobody wants to play with big cats more than me, right? Every day, if I see a video of a fat tiger, oh, yeah, I want to roll around with him. I want to give him a million kisses.

[C]

You know, leopards are pretty cheap. You can get a leopard for like 600 bucks in Abu Dhabi.

[A]

I shouldn't have it.

[C]

People in Abu Dhabi train leopards as house cats.

[A]

I shouldn't have that in my house. My regular tiny cat beats the shit out of me. I do not have the capability to have anything larger. I am dominated constantly by a tiny cat who just walks in the room, bops me, and runs away.

[C]

My boyfriend's dominated by a tiny cat. Yeah, it's in my pants.

[B]

Got him.

[A]

All right, we're gonna call it there. We're gonna call it there on Chloe's tight little post.

[C]

Yeah. Tap.

[A]

All right, thank you, guys. Thank you so much, guys, for tuning in. Please support Chloe Lebron and Tim McLaughlin and we will see you this Wednesday here on the Morning Zoo. Also, knives and spoons, the Real Ass podcast reunion book reading from Skank Fest will be on at four o' clock today. Right, Shannon?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

Four o'.

[A]

Clock. Four o'. Clock. So if you're not busy, I would tune into that. I think it's one of the funniest podcasts I've ever had the privilege of getting to be on and I really can't wait for you guys to see it. So thank you so much for tuning in.

[D]

Bye.

[B]

Fun's begun.

[A]

No sleeping in. Noon is morning time to him. Papa Baco. Chug it down. Just like the favorite Obi's clown. Grab a call back and join the crew. It's Acamiko.

[C]

Shopify's point of sale system helps you sell at every stage of your business. Need a fast and secure way to take payments in person? We've got you covered. How about card readers you can rely on anywhere you sell. Thanks. Have a good one. Yep, that too.

[D]

What?

[C]

Really one place to manage all your online and in person sales? That's kind of our thing. Wherever you sell. Businesses that grow grow with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 a month [e-mail]. listen. Shopify.com Listen.