0071. Alex Tomaselli and Damien Speranza

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo Episode 71: Alex Tomaselli & Damien Speranza

Date: December 19, 2025
Host: Zac Amico
Guests: Alex Tomaselli (“Super Sally Joes” podcast), Damien Speranza

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Episode Overview

This raucous Monday episode of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo delivers the show’s signature blend of wild news, degenerate stories, irreverent comedy, and off-the-wall banter. With comedian Alex Tomaselli filling in last minute, joined by the equally unfiltered Damien Speranza, the trio dive into a blizzard of topics: celebrity deaths (John Cena’s wrestling retirement, Rob Reiner’s tragic murder, plastic surgery influencer Mary Magdalene’s fatal fall), tales of extreme pranks and “special fluids,” insane news items (the Baltimore “jizz-cident” at a firehouse, a double-drunk scooter tragedy, a handcuffed firefighter “training scam”), and personal stories that teeter somewhere between jaw-dropping and criminal.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Wrestling Icons: John Cena’s Retirement & the Toll on Wrestlers

Main Segment: 01:31–04:29

• Zac pays respect to John Cena’s retirement, calling him “an international superstar” and saluting his Make-A-Wish work. Says, “God bless you, John Cena. Man, people are pissed.” (01:31)
• The crew analyzes WWE retirements—why legends like Cena, Rock, Stone Cold, and Undertaker never totally leave the ring, noting the economic impact of injuries on major movies:
  “Now if they get injured, that’s $40 million easy they’re missing…” – Zac (03:15)
• Damien highlights the surreal nature of wrestler injuries:
  “Have you ever met someone who tore their quad in real life? No. Has every member of the McMahon family torn their quad on TV? Yes.” (03:55)
• The “broken bodies” reality:
  “Their bodies are too big for their skeletons.” – Zac (04:22)

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2. Tragedy & Twitter: Rob Reiner’s Death, Trump’s Reaction, and “TDS”

Main Segment: 04:33–09:45

• The panel reacts in real time to news about Rob Reiner’s murder, including the grisly details (“slit their throats...officially been charged with murder…$4 million bail”) and the media tendency to politicize celebrity deaths.
• They read and analyze a wild Trump comment—“The anger he caused others through his massive, unyielding and incurable affliction with a mind crippling disease known as Trump Derangement Syndrome.” (06:41)
  • “It's like, ‘You died, it’s your fault they murdered you.’ That’s really what he’s saying.” – Damien (07:12)
  • "'If he wasn’t so deranged...'" – Alex (07:18)

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3. Rob Reiner’s Directorial Legacy

Main Segment: 07:39–10:15

• An impromptu appreciation for Rob Reiner’s legendary run:
  • Stand By Me, Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, Misery, A Few Good Men – “What a fucking run.” – Zac (09:34)
• Standouts include the “best coming of age movie (Stand By Me), best fantasy comedy (Princess Bride),” and one of cinema’s most quoted movies (“You can’t handle the truth!”).

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4. Andre the Giant: Urban Legends and Party Stories

Main Segment: 10:35–13:48

• Hilarious tales of Andre’s legendary size and party tricks:
  • The “minute-long fart” on Princess Bride set.
  • “In Japan, he used to have to put newspapers down in the tub…and throw it out the window into a dumpster. Clocked a guy taking the garbage, knocked him out. The guy woke up in giant poop.” – Zac (11:39)
  • “His records, like, 140 beers.” – Zac (13:00)
• The crew compares Andre’s feats to those of their own friends (“Big Pete Angelo”) and delve into pranks among comics.

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5. RIP Mary Magdalene: Extreme Plastic Surgery, “Alien” Appearances, and Unnatural Deaths

Main Segment: 15:17–17:40

• News breaks of “model and plastic surgery enthusiast” Mary Magdalene’s fatal fall:
  • “She fell from a ninth floor hotel in Thailand.” (16:55)
• The group visually roasts her looks (“she thinks she’s a demon...it’s just too much of a not-real thing" – Alex), “inhumanness” – Zac (15:43), and speculate on her cause of death (“Was it suicide?”).
• They riff on how celebrity “fall deaths” are often mysterious or “nefarious.”

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6. Masturbation Mayhem at Baltimore Firehouse

Main Segment: 20:08–23:39

• Shannon delivers the day’s wildest news: A Baltimore paramedic allegedly masturbated onto food and surfaces throughout the firehouse, leaving the department to bring in hazmat for “all high-touch surfaces, doorknobs, ice machines.”
• “I have a feeling this guy was a serial jacker…seeing how many things he could blow loads on.” – Zac (21:53)
• They riff on his possible motives (“He’s like The Jizzler…riddle me this, Batman, where didn’t I cum?” – Alex, 22:35), talk about pranks and crossing lines, and share stories of accidental (and not-so-accidental) bodily fluid chaos.

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7. Epic Pranks & Bodily Fluid Warfare: College Stories

Main Segment: 23:44–29:39

• Zac confesses a revenge scheme where he and a roommate got a disliked girl to unknowingly use his semen in her expensive face lotion.
  • “In my head, if it’s just me, it’s a crime. If there’s two people, it’s a prank.” (26:37)
• Damien, Zac, and Alex swap escalation stories (cum on eyelashes, thighs, stories of getting girls mad, etc.) and trade tips on dealing with chafing, bodily mishaps, and prank “escalation.” (28:15/29:19)
• Memorable moment: “Jerk off in a tissue? I look acidic.” – Zac (28:41)

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8. A Family Tradition of Revenge (Butt Play & Pranks)

Main Segment: 30:05–32:04

• Zac’s dad turns out to be an even darker prankster, having wiped his ass with cold cuts to spite a coworker and putting coffee straws up his ass.
• Damien admits he keyed a teammate's car as payback in high school, then pretended to be shocked at the scene.
  • “Like when they say serial killers revisit their site...I looked at my work.” (32:04)

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9. School Prank Wars: Teachers, Handicapped Ramps, and “Clam Juice” Coffee

Main Segment: 33:03–36:40

• Zac reminisces on school prank wars—covering a handicap ramp, using maxi pads and melting ice cream on a jerk’s car and, most creatively, fermenting clam juice on a radiator to pour into a teacher’s coffee.
  • “He had just this look on his face. ‘I chug about half my coffee every morning…and it tasted like fish.’” (36:20)

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10. News: Drunken Scooter Manslaughter in Australia

Main Segment: 38:15–41:41

• Footage: two extremely drunk British backpackers try to operate a scooter together in Perth; one runs over and kills a 51-year-old man.
• “They definitely have threesomes in their spare time.” – Damien
• Discussion of the impact and fairness of the sentencing (“she only got four years”) and the weird physics of scooter accidents.

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11. Stand Your Ground—On Wheels

Main Segment: 47:36–54:18

• Indiana: A wheelchair-bound man fatally shoots another patron in a bar after an argument over a vape pen—involving a female companion who caused the whole dispute because “she had her vape in her hand the whole time.”
• “It’s insane what women can lose when they’ve had a drink…It’s bananas.” – Zac (48:38)
• The guests trade stories about female-driven bar drama, bouncer experiences, and what women can hide in bras.
• “If I had a vagina, I’d be flagrant about bringing drugs to the airport.” – Zac (53:01)

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12. The Science of Saggy Balls—and Ball Lifts

Main Segment: 56:41–60:15

• Zac tells of a friend’s hookup with a man of staggeringly large testicles (“It looked like grapefruits. Good lord, man!”), which leads to a discussion of aging, “sack skin,” and scrotoplasty (ball-lift) surgery.
• Shannon supplies ball-lift before & after images; Damien shares his experience with testicular cancer (“I just happened to reach down and one felt much larger and hard…within three weeks I was…”).
• Casual medical advice: “Three to ten thousand dollars” for a ball lift, “just tighten them up.” – Shannon, Zac

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13. Drug Abuse & Recovery

Main Segment: 62:30–65:36

• Zac shares how he quit prescription pills and OTC sleeping aids cold turkey when producing his first film: “That was it. I think I’ve had maybe [some for pain], but I cannot handle [painkillers]. They’re just not for me.” (64:29)
• Honest reflection on addiction, with a message about knowing your own limits: “If you can handle... good for you, but be careful. But I can’t. No for me.” (65:32)

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14. Fake Firefighter “Training”: Handcuffs & Groping Scandal

Main Segment: 66:13–70:09

• Ex-NJ cop faces allegations for handcuffing and groping male firefighters during “fake trainings,” putting them in “weird sexual positions.”
• “He looked like a thumb…definitely a predator.” – Damien (67:33)
• The hosts debate how dumb the victims must be (for not realizing “firefighters don’t need handcuffs”), and muse over why someone would fall for this ruse.

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15. Final Goofy Kinks—Dominatrixes, Sensation Play, and Gender Roles

Main Segment: 69:36–71:11

• Zac describes the “sensation play” aspect of S&M, alternating between pain and comfort, and the crew agree they’re personally not into being dominated.
• “If a woman tries to choke me: ‘What are you doing? Get off, vagabond, harlot!’” – Alex (71:00)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “God bless you, John Cena. Man, people are pissed.” – Zac (01:31)
• “Now if they get injured, that’s $40 million easy…” – Zac (03:15)
• “Their bodies are too big for their skeletons.” – Zac (04:22)
• “I have a feeling this guy was a serial jacker… seeing how many things he could blow loads on without people noticing.” – Zac (21:53)
• “He’s like The Jizzler… riddle me this, Batman, where didn’t I cum?” – Alex (22:35)
• “In my head, if it’s just me, it’s a crime. If there’s two people, it’s a prank.” – Zac (26:37)
• “I look acidic.” – Zac (28:41)
• “I keyed the shit out of his car one night… then had to go over there with everybody and act shocked.” – Damien (31:45)
• “It’s insane what women can lose when they’ve had a drink… It’s bananas.” – Zac (48:38)
• “If I had a vagina, I’d be pretty flagrant about bringing drugs to the airport.” – Zac (53:01)
• “It looked like grapefruits. Good lord, man!” – Zac (57:42)
• “If a woman tries to choke me: ‘What are you doing? Get off, vagabond, harlot!’” – Alex (71:00)
• “If you can handle [painkillers], good for you but be careful. But I can’t. That’s a no for me.” – Zac (65:32)

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Episode Structure (Timestamps of Key Segments)

• 01:31 – John Cena’s Wrestling Retirement
• 04:33 – Rob Reiner’s Murder, Trump’s Response
• 07:39 – Rob Reiner’s Directorial Run
• 10:35 – Andre the Giant Stories
• 15:17 – Mary Magdalene’s Death/Plastic Surgery
• 20:08 – Baltimore Firehouse “Masturbation Contamination”
• 23:44 – College Pranks w/ Bodily Fluids
• 30:05 – Zac’s Dad’s Revenge Pranks
• 33:03 – School Prank Wars: Clam Juice Coffee
• 38:15 – Australian Drunk Scooter Death
• 47:36 – Wheelchair Bar Shooting Over Vape
• 56:41 – Ball Lifts, Testicular Cancer, and Ball Care
• 62:30 – Zac’s Recovery from Pills
• 66:13 – Handcuff “Firefighter Training” Scandal
• 69:36 – Final S&M/Kink Banter
• 71:11 – Outro

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Tone & Style

True to form, the episode is vulgar, raw, delightfully low-brow, and packed with no-holds-barred confessions and gallows humor. Zac’s easy rapport with his guests leads to unfiltered story sharing—often grotesque, always funny. The show oscillates wildly between sincere admiration for pop-culture icons and outlandishly inappropriate, sometimes criminal anecdotes, delivering both laughs and the ultimate “I can’t believe they said that” podcast energy.

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Summary by request. Listen with caution and a strong stomach.

Transcript

[Alex Thomas]

Fill her up.

[Zach Amico]

You're listening to the gas digital network.

[Intro/Outro Announcer]

Wake up, it's time to go. Zach Amico's got a show. Animals are here to play jokes against you Start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join the.

[Damien Speranza]

CRE you.

[Intro/Outro Announcer]

It's a miko morning too.

[Damien Speranza]

Wake up.

[Zach Amico]

Wake up, wake up. Well, hello, hello, hello. It's a fine Monday morning in a freezing Manhattan. It's your other boy, the international superstar Zak Amico. And thank you so much for joining us today on the Morning Zoo. Across the table from me, two very funny gentlemen who I enjoy broadcasting with immensely. From Super Sally Joe's, it's my good buddy Alex. Tom Selly. How are you? I'm well, man.

[Alex Thomas]

Good to see you. As always.

[Zach Amico]

Good to see you. Thank you for coming through. We did have a cancellation this morning because of the inclement weather, and Alex hooked us up and showed up within an hour's notice. So thank you, buddy. And next to him, our good friend. He was with us at Skank Fest. It's Damien Speranza. How you doing, man?

[Damien Speranza]

Good, man. Happy to be back. Thanks for having me.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, of course. Thank you guys very much for being here. I would be remiss if I did not start today's program with a salute to John Cena. Thank you so much for your years of service. You can finally give up. You can finally go home to your beautiful wife. Thank you for a beautiful retirement, a beautiful career, and all the make a wish shit too, in genuine. God bless you, John Cena. Man, people are pissed.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

People are comparing it to, I saw like, it was Obi Wan Kenobi.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

We're saying, like, he gave a wink and a nod.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Other people could do, you know, good or something.

[Zach Amico]

That's what I got. I just thought. So people were bad because he smiled as he tapped out. Yeah. And in my head, it was him realizing he doesn't have to fight anymore.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I thought it was a cool story where he was like, oh, I don't have to suffer like this anymore and just move on.

[Damien Speranza]

A better, bigger and better thing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Now I can just keep making fast and the Furious.

[Alex Thomas]

He's been moved on, though. I mean.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. It's.

[Alex Thomas]

What are they wants?

[Damien Speranza]

None of them ever really move on. They always, like, pop back in for a little bit. I don't know if it's because the place Needs ratings or they need money or something. But they always pop.

[Zach Amico]

I think usually they're. They get a. They're usually on Legends contracts.

[Alex Thomas]

Don't forget where you came from.

[Zach Amico]

And they can get brought in. But the wear and tear, like the Rock was definitely supposed to wrestle this.

[Damien Speranza]

Year, I just couldn't do it.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I heard through people that he trained.

[Damien Speranza]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

And called and was like, absolutely not.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. But you hear all of them, like, you know, Stone Cold and the Undertaker, these guys are all doing the podcast rounds. And the question every host asked was like, so what injuries did you have? And they all just laugh and they're like, well, I'll give you like the top 15.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Just to save time. And it's always plus with rock and.

[Zach Amico]

Scene in those guys. It's like, now if they get injured, that's $40 million easy. Of work they're missing of jobs other people would have had on movies.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Now you're right.

[Zach Amico]

It can fuck up all. It could fuck up a company.

[Alex Thomas]

It's a little economy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. It's like people depend on them, you know?

[Damien Speranza]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

So I totally get it. And it was just the fucking injuries, dude. Like the Rock himself, when he came back to wrestle Cody, he fogged himself up.

[Damien Speranza]

I mean, again, you're doing. I know they're in the movies doing stunts and they're in shape in one way, but it's totally different to actually have to hit the mat for real and not have a stunt double take the big hits for you. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And it's never what you think it's going to be. It's just a little thing. But, like, it's those injuries that you never hear of in real life now. Sure. May. May some doctors be helping them out. Have you ever met someone who tore their quad in real life? Right. No. Has everyone, every member of the McMahon family torn their quad on TV?

[Damien Speranza]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

Because their bodies are too big for their skeletons. Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Crap they put in there to blow up is insane.

[Zach Amico]

But, hey, God bless you, John Cena.

[Damien Speranza]

He made it also.

[Zach Amico]

Jesus Christ. Rob Reiner.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, yeah. I woke up to that, too.

[Damien Speranza]

I was just reading that.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Damn. I'm mad at my mom before, but that's.

[Alex Thomas]

I heard it was the sun. Yeah, it was.

[Zach Amico]

They were asking the sun this morning.

[Alex Thomas]

Jesus Christ, man.

[Zach Amico]

I think they said he killed. He stabbed both of them.

[Alex Thomas]

He's a white kid.

[Shannon]

I. I believe he slit their throats.

[Alex Thomas]

Jesus.

[Shannon]

And he has officially been charged with murder. He has a four million dollar bail.

[Alex Thomas]

That's white kid, dude. They kill. We kill our parents. Yeah, yeah. Usually it's a gun, a shotgun to.

[Damien Speranza]

The back of my people. That's. Usually my people use a knife.

[Zach Amico]

Wild man. And I'm sure people are going to everyone. I hate this fucking. I saw today, Jim Norton tweeted something. It's like, you know, you can't just be sad the guy's dead without tweeting that you didn't agree with him politically. Yes.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, that was one of the things. Very left lean. Who cares?

[Zach Amico]

He was sleeping. Yeah, he was sleeping when this shit happened.

[Damien Speranza]

They weren't having a political argument where the guy slit his throat in the middle of the argument.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. Trump's tweet was wild.

[Zach Amico]

Trump.

[Damien Speranza]

I didn't see it.

[Zach Amico]

Listen, I tried not to pull it up. Shan, you can bring it up.

[Alex Thomas]

It is fucking.

[Zach Amico]

I try really hard not to politicize the show because I want it to be for everybody, just fine. And I really, I'm fine with hanging out with people I disagree with. Oh, yeah, that's completely okay. Because I'm a fucking grown man.

[Damien Speranza]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

And I can disagree with somebody politically and respect them as a human right. Hundred percent. T Bird, Really? This was a tough tweet.

[Damien Speranza]

I just want to. I want to know what it said.

[Zach Amico]

It's. I want you to read it out loud to us. Yeah, I have to read it because I want to hear you get through it. Okay.

[Damien Speranza]

I thought there was racial slurs in it and you wanted me to be.

[Zach Amico]

The one that said no, then I would read it.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That would be crazy. If you. If Trump. Just like that. Ron Ryan dead. Damn Trump. She doesn't give a anymore.

[Alex Thomas]

It was, it was like. I thought it was a bit.

[Zach Amico]

I read it.

[Alex Thomas]

It was like someone AI'd this. They just read.

[Zach Amico]

I thought it was Photoshop.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, exactly.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, do you have it?

[Shannon]

So I don't see it on Twitter, but I found an article.

[Zach Amico]

Did it get. Maybe it was fake. No, no.

[Shannon]

I see in this, in the article it says Trump said without evidence that Rob Reiner's death was due to his opposition of Trump and his policies. And Trump's words, the quote, his. The anger he caused others through his massive, unyielding and incurable affliction with a mind crippling disease known as Trump Derangement Syndrome.

[Alex Thomas]

He brought up that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

First of all, I'm glad that you had to read that because there were some words in there. I was.

[Zach Amico]

If it was. And again, I could be being fooled, but I was pretty sure. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. I Was like, whoa, that.

[Damien Speranza]

I mean, it's like you died. It's your fault they murdered you. That's really what he's saying.

[Zach Amico]

It was really that level?

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Wild.

[Alex Thomas]

It was like, oh, sorry he died. But if he wasn't so deranged.

[Damien Speranza]

But also, I didn't know that. That. The slitting the throat thing, I thought they just.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, I thought it was stabby. Me too.

[Zach Amico]

I read Slip the Throat.

[Damien Speranza]

To me, that's even more like, you know, like I can picture somebody at a rage. Yeah, somebody. But to sit there and just.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, sorry.

[Damien Speranza]

I really got it.

[Zach Amico]

No, it's really. Yeah, it's a fucking rough, brutal. But Robert. I mean, just Princess Bride, the run he went on. Shannon, could you bring up his directing credits? There's a run he went on. It's like four back to back or maybe five back to back. And I mean. And then definitely teetered off, like, definitely habits. The best. It got old and that's fine. But I mean, five back to back. World famous. Big, like.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And the kind of like. Oh, that's classic. Like when you talk about like. Oh, that's what movies used to be cinema. Five back to. Yeah. Okay, so it starts with.

[Alex Thomas]

God damn.

[Zach Amico]

So the Spinal Tap starts with Stand By Me, Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good, Misery and A Few Good Men all back to back.

[Alex Thomas]

I don't know. He did Misery. Fuck.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, wow. So I'm quoting. I'm misquoting. Dan Perlman. Very funny comic. Shannon, you go back there real quick to. Yeah, so we start with.

[Damien Speranza]

Standby.

[Zach Amico]

Stand By Me.

[Alex Thomas]

Yes.

[Zach Amico]

So he made arguably what some. At least some would consider best coming of age movie. Stand By Me And Stephen King movie. And Stephen King movie.

[Damien Speranza]

Sorry.

[Zach Amico]

I believe Stephen King has said it's his favorite. He says that Shawshanker is two favorite adaptations. Then the best comedy fantasy.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. 100%.

[Zach Amico]

When Harry met Sally. I was. Is usually considered one of the best rom coms ever.

[Damien Speranza]

Fair point.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Misery, which is.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Iconic. Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Also regarded as a great Stephen King adaptation. Even if he.

[Zach Amico]

Incredible adapting. Great movie. And then A Few Good Men, which is like one of the, what, ten most famous quotes.

[Alex Thomas]

You can't handle the truth.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Is a top 10 movie like that. What a fucking run. Right? Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

And then.

[Zach Amico]

And then. Yeah. Then Goes to Mississippi is probably the last big one.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. It's really bad. The bucket list is the one I know about in the later years.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. It's all pretty bad. Oh, well. But did throw in one great last performance. Which is Mad Max and Wolf of Wall Street.

[Alex Thomas]

What the fuck?

[Zach Amico]

ENJ Entertainment.

[Damien Speranza]

Shorty.

[Zach Amico]

They're hookers.

[Alex Thomas]

The equalizers on $40,000 worth of signs.

[Zach Amico]

These signs cure cancer. That's the thing. These signs, they did cure cancer.

[Alex Thomas]

I saw. I Made My Friend I made it. But we watched the Princess Bride recently. He'd never seen it. And every scene where the kid would be like, what's going on? Why is this not moving longer? He did it right before the kid did it. So, like, when he mentions the pirates, my friend's like, I wish they showed the pirates. And then the kid goes, pirates are really cool. It was great. It was a great experience.

[Damien Speranza]

I watched that movie probably once a year.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, it's great.

[Damien Speranza]

I watch that movie.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, dude, the. My thing. It's. There's a story of Andre on that movie dropping, like a minute long fart. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard. Just. It went very whole, like, hey, everybody, hold on.

[Damien Speranza]

A long way to travel out of that big ass body of his, man.

[Zach Amico]

That's a big boy.

[Damien Speranza]

Even the wrestling stories about that guy with the drinking he used to do back in the day.

[Zach Amico]

My favorite is the two I've always. I repeat that I've heard is what. He passed out in a hotel lobby. They were like, what do we do? The rest of us were like, fucking leave him good. They said the hotel was, like, trying to open up.

[Damien Speranza]

Yep.

[Zach Amico]

So they just put the. The COVID for the piano over.

[Damien Speranza]

That's funny.

[Zach Amico]

And the other one, he was in Japan. And in Japan, he didn't fit in the. To the bathroom.

[Damien Speranza]

I heard that one.

[Zach Amico]

So he used to have to put newspapers down and in the tub.

[Damien Speranza]

Isn't that wild? Christ.

[Zach Amico]

But he was. He was in Japan, and he's thinking, I guess there was a window by the bathroom that led right to a dumpster. So he was like, well, I'm not gonna go downstairs with my newspaper duty. I'm gonna just throw it in the dumpster for my room. And there was a guy taking out the garbage, and he clocked him and knocked him out. And the guy woke up in poop. In giant poop the size of that shit. Oh, my God.

[Alex Thomas]

Did he like. Also in Japan, Wasn't he known for this? Could be just. But he, like, fingered women with his fingers.

[Zach Amico]

Like the. The story was that he had four girls, right?

[Damien Speranza]

Four fingers, just at the same time.

[Zach Amico]

They were one on top of the other, like, belly. Belly on back.

[Damien Speranza]

Jesus.

[Zach Amico]

And they said he had all four of them.

[Damien Speranza]

That's insane.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, man. He's a big guy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Try to.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he had four. And then there's another. I think there's a story that there was maybe video or Polaroids at one point of him with, like a regular sized woman. I think they said it was like watching a Saint Bernard fuck a poodle. It didn't make sense, right.

[Damien Speranza]

Though.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, the drinking is, I think. Yeah. His records, like 140 beers.

[Damien Speranza]

How much you'd have to drink?

[Zach Amico]

Or that Jake the Snake even said a couple things that, like, when he was a young boy, he'd have to drive Andre around. Audrey would drink a cake, a 30 rack on the way to the show and knock it out and piss.

[Alex Thomas]

That's wild. I watched had room Pete angelo drink like 20 beers once and didn't act drunk.

[Zach Amico]

Yep.

[Alex Thomas]

Shout out to Pete Angelo for that too.

[Zach Amico]

Big boy. Pete Angelo is a big boy.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, dude. He puts him away.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I destroyed Pete with an edible one.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, he can't handle weed, but he could drink.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, Pete can't handle either. I fucking destroyed Pete with an edible in a hotel in Pennsylvania. He passed out with all his clothes on, his hat, his boots. He was furious with me.

[Alex Thomas]

Hell yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Sometimes you slip your friend a little 50. I told him it was strong. I was like. They just put me to sleep. And he was a big boy.

[Damien Speranza]

That should have been enough of a warning for him.

[Zach Amico]

All right, let's knock plugs out of the way. Mr. Speranza, what do you want people to check out?

[Damien Speranza]

Gonna be on the road starting the new year. Be in Spokane, Alaska, Idaho. Just go to my website, Damien Speranza.com and check out the dates.

[Zach Amico]

Alex.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, man. Follow me at silly Selly on Instagram and check out my podcast I do with Joe Gorman called Super Celly joes. It's on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, all that stuff. So check it out. Subscribe.

[Shannon]

Thanks.

[Zach Amico]

Fantastic. Hey, guys, if you want to see me on the road, go to Punchup Live, Zachmico. I got two shows coming up in Toronto this weekend. I'm on the road with Insane Clown Posse's Juggalo Championship Wrestling and New Year's Eve. I'm with Lewis in Columbus, Ohio, and then Bricky's Comedy Club. If you like the show, go to gasdigital.com, use my promo code, Zoo. You save a little money off your subscription, you get your episodes early ad free, uncensored. You have the archives of the live chat and the Friday episode. We do three of these a week. If you want that Friday show, subscribe at Gas Digital. And thank you for watching the show. We do have one more celebrity death. An unfortunate one. Model and plastic surgery enthusiast Mary Magdalene has passed. She fell off the picture of health.

[Alex Thomas]

She fell off the. The tower right in Thailand.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Pull her up. Oh yeah. Oh, God.

[Damien Speranza]

You gotta warn somebody before you do that.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, she's one of these where like she thinks she's a demon and she has to show everyone.

[Damien Speranza]

Mary Mag. Oh my God. I can't. Like. I know, listen, I know there's different strokes for different folks, but like nothing about that is.

[Alex Thomas]

Zach loves this. Zach.

[Zach Amico]

The face. The face is tough.

[Alex Thomas]

I agree.

[Zach Amico]

And it's not even so like the cartoonish figure. Figure. I could wrap my head around the lips and eyes, but it's the inhumanness.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Of the face.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, God damn, dude.

[Alex Thomas]

Insane, bro. I. I don't know, Zach. You love that.

[Zach Amico]

I, I just, I do. Like, just crazy.

[Alex Thomas]

It's not even that. It's too much. It's not. It's too much of a not real thing.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

You can't that from behind.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

There's no way. I can't.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, man.

[Damien Speranza]

Come on.

[Alex Thomas]

I, you know, I get in there, but there's a lot to get in.

[Damien Speranza]

You know, Andre the Giant. Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I would even say here her face is pretty good.

[Damien Speranza]

It looks more normal than it did in the previous.

[Zach Amico]

But I will say, look at how fat that monkey is.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, she had that. Look at that.

[Zach Amico]

Jesus Christ. Holy shady. Can you zoom in on that? On this dead girl's.

[Alex Thomas]

We're watching the latest Jurassic World before and that looks like the D. Rex right there. That looks like the mutant T. Rex from the latest Jurassic World.

[Zach Amico]

That is a fat little. Oh man. That's a two hander.

[Damien Speranza]

How did she die?

[Alex Thomas]

She fell off a roof.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, can you tell us about it?

[Shannon]

Yeah. So all that there is so far on it is that she fell from a ninth floor of a hotel.

[Alex Thomas]

What noise did it make?

[Damien Speranza]

She should have landed.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, just like a. Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Should have landed ass first. She would have bounced. Yeah. For real.

[Zach Amico]

Then they say she was partying. Was it suicide?

[Shannon]

It's not like that's all that there is so far is that she fell from there. It doesn't seem like there's a. There's anything conclusive as to why or.

[Alex Thomas]

How, yet someone was like an alien when they found her and just I.

[Zach Amico]

Feel like half of fall deaths are usually nefarious.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Like you'll find out about, like, you'll learn about like celebrities from back in the day where somebody like fell out of a hotel and then like their reputation was never the same.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

People are always like, kill them.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Didn't that happen to Paul Lynd, the gay guy from Hollywood Squares? I don't remember.

[Alex Thomas]

No, I don't.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he was the dad and Bye Bye Birdie.

[Damien Speranza]

Okay, yeah, I know, I know who it is.

[Zach Amico]

I don't remember the story. He had some like, shag. Can you look it up? I want to say it might have been a boyfriend because he was one of those you like confirmed bachelor types.

[Damien Speranza]

Oh.

[Zach Amico]

Like it was never said that he was gay, but he was just the gayest man possible or knew it but.

[Damien Speranza]

Was never confirmed kind of thing. We all talk about it, but.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. Never. You never found the right lady.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I want to say it might have been a, a, a younger man and they were drunk and fell out of a hotel window. And people have always said that they might have been fighting.

[Alex Thomas]

I'm going to tell everyone you're actually really gay. Bad.

[Shannon]

So it says his death involved in an incident with, with a friend. Another acts. Another actor accidentally fell to his death from a window in the hotel room. Okay, yeah, but then I, maybe this is a different person because there's another article that says he died alone in his bed of a heart attack.

[Zach Amico]

No, no, he didn't die falling out.

[Shannon]

Oh, gotcha.

[Zach Amico]

His friend died falling out the window.

[Shannon]

Got it.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

No, he just died sad. He, he died sad, gay and alone. All right, well, RIP Mary Mag on. Hey guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our good friends. It's small batch cigar. Simple, fast, small batch. Having a cigar in the house is a sign of class, elegance, good taste. Things I don't have. Luckily we have our friends at small batch Cigar to help us out. They have free shipping on every order with almost every order arriving within two to three days. In the continental United States they have the most feral packaging in the industry. Comes with that Boveda pack. So your cigars come super fresh. They have an amazing selection of rare, limited and hard to find cigars. And you get 5% rewards points instantly. Head on over to smallbatch cigar.com today. And most people click the new button first to shop the newest arrivals. And if you use our discount code GAS10, you get 10 off plus 5% reward points. So try that out guys. That's code [e-mail] Small batch cigar. Simple, fast, small batch. Let's get back into the show. Let's look at this first story. Alleged Masturbation contamination leaves Baltimore Fire employees feeling unsafe.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, yeah. Damien. Sally.

[Damien Speranza]

Dude, that's great that I have to comment on this now.

[Zach Amico]

Let's find out.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. Wait. All right, I got a little confused there. A masturbation contamination?

[Zach Amico]

I have no idea. Shannon, fill us in.

[Shannon]

Okay, so there's. There's like a grosser version of this that I saw on Instagram and then a more calm version of it that I saw in a regular article.

[Zach Amico]

Gross 1.

[Alex Thomas]

Say it for us, Shannon.

[Damien Speranza]

Why would you even give an option?

[Shannon]

I don't know what's real. So this. According to the Baltimore sun, allegations swirl that a paramedic masturbated with his colleagues food and property.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, okay.

[Shannon]

And that members of the Baltimore County Fire Department are being kept out of the loop and left to assess their own risk of illness. Potentially every. Every single member was exposed and we had no idea, so. But then I looked it up further and one of the things come with the illness. Herps. I don't know. It doesn't say exactly. It says that they'll need to be tested. It doesn't say for what. But then they said that they're having a hazmat clean team come in and clear the station and of the following surfaces. All high touch surfaces. Door handles, push plates, light switches, bathrooms and all fixtures, water fountains, kitchens, bunk beds are bunk rooms, lockers, floors and several vehicles. And then it says they also had to replace the station ice machines. Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, this guy was busy.

[Alex Thomas]

What the hazmat for come.

[Damien Speranza]

Dude, that's insane. Like is Matt, every porn scene there's just come everywhere. They don't go through this entire.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they don't gotta call the people from Monsters Inc.

[Damien Speranza]

I just want to know, did the.

[Alex Thomas]

Men in black show up here?

[Damien Speranza]

I wonder where food Booty used to like.

[Zach Amico]

I have a feeling this guy was a serial jacker. Yeah, he was collected seeing how many things he could blow loads on without people noticing.

[Damien Speranza]

The whole like getting them tested and I mean.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, I guess you just. There's come everywhere out here.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, he might have had something. Maybe he had chlamydia. Maybe he had, I guess the herbs. Yeah, I don't know.

[Alex Thomas]

Something worse.

[Damien Speranza]

Dude, the whole department has clemity of the mouth now because ate and drank everything in the department. Oh, it also.

[Shannon]

It also says that he made videos of him doing this.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So this is a fetish?

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, this is.

[Alex Thomas]

He's a Batman villain.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, he snapped and he was just coming on everything. He was just marking his territory. Coming on doorknobs he's like the Jizzler.

[Alex Thomas]

He's like, riddle me this, Batman. Where didn't I come?

[Zach Amico]

Yes. It's like scary movie, too. My germs. My come.

[Damien Speranza]

So much come.

[Zach Amico]

Who here hasn't just done something to be funny? Yeah, listen.

[Alex Thomas]

100%.

[Zach Amico]

He was without jizz. Cast the first stone is all I'm saying.

[Damien Speranza]

It's just a prank. It just got out of hand. That's all it is.

[Zach Amico]

I can't say I. I'm innocent on this one.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, I've had. I've had. Yeah, man, I've had it rough. I've had. Come everywhere.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

When I was younger, I used to be like, if my come touches me, dude, I've had. I. I have a bit about this, but I've had a girl, right when I was about to come, she just aimed my dick at my face and just got me. She covered me.

[Zach Amico]

It was.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, I couldn't do it. Like, it's not like I could move in that split second. It was a mess.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. But your story, I get, right? Zach sounds like he came in his hand and just threw it at somebody.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

No, I personally don't throw over him.

[Damien Speranza]

See, it's got a softball pitch, that stuff.

[Zach Amico]

Spider Man.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You whip it.

[Alex Thomas]

Well, if you whip it, it spreads out.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Spider Man. I've told this story before. I try to figure out a. It's been years, I think, since I told this. I don't mind. Many moons ago, I had. I was in college, and one of my roommates started dating a girl we all did not care for. To the point, like, she would like. So we called her the cunt.

[Damien Speranza]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

She didn't like that.

[Damien Speranza]

Fair. I mean, none of them do.

[Zach Amico]

They rarely do.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But we called her the cunt because we were playing Marvel versus Capcom 2.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, no.

[Zach Amico]

And I called my roommate Ahmed a cunt. And she was not playing with us. She was not hanging out with us. She was in another room, and she walked in and she said, hey, guys, listen, while I'm here in your apartment, you guys can't use that word because that word really offends me. All right? And I was like, what? Cunt? And she's like, yeah, you can't say that word while I'm here.

[Damien Speranza]

It's poor choice on her part to do that, but go ahead.

[Zach Amico]

This was a much angrier me. I probably wouldn't do this now, but immediately we were like, oh, yeah, we're saying cunt every sentence. There's this girl's in eyeline. Pass me the cunt and chips. Yeah, just making up new versions of it.

[Damien Speranza]

Doesn't have to make sense.

[Alex Thomas]

Being real British about it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, just really sticking it, too.

[Damien Speranza]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

So she didn't like. So basically, he was our friend for years. She kiboshed all of us. She didn't want us hanging out anymore, so we lost our friend. So it's a pussy. It happens. A year or two later, I'm still at nyu and I am hanging out with a young lady, and she asked me back to her suite in the dorm. And we're not doing anything. I'm striking out, and in comes the cunt. Oh, she's her sweet mate.

[Damien Speranza]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

And she's like, zach, what are you doing here? And I talked to her for, like, a minute, and she walks out. And I was like, you live with the cunt. Nice. And she's like, I hate her. She's the worst. She's. She's so mean. She's. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, you should blow me and spit my cum into something that belongs to her.

[Damien Speranza]

Well played, Zach. Well played.

[Zach Amico]

And she's like, no way. And I'm like, well, let's go in the bathroom and see what would be funny. And she's like, just jerk off. And I'm like, that's creepy.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in this together. We're going to do this together.

[Zach Amico]

I was like, if it's one of us, if it's just me, it's a crime. If there's two people, it's a prank in my head. That's how that works.

[Damien Speranza]

I get the rationale.

[Zach Amico]

And by the way, I'm 100% just trying to get. I could not care less about revenge.

[Damien Speranza]

We all knew that.

[Alex Thomas]

That's, like, a plus.

[Zach Amico]

The second the cum leaves my balls, I have stopped caring about this prank.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, yeah. Of course. I stopped caring about the person the minute to come.

[Zach Amico]

And we found she had a very nice face lotion. Face lotion on the counter. There you go. And I talked to girl and I said, come on, it's so funny, right? And, yeah, she took a shot in the chops and then right in there. And then we mixed it up and put it back.

[Alex Thomas]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

And I don't know how long face lotion lasts.

[Alex Thomas]

It lasts a while, a few months.

[Zach Amico]

But I'm pretty sure this girl used it all. Took a load, took a little, had a little, little, little. A little. Few little zacks on her cheeks every day.

[Damien Speranza]

Now I will say this pranks on you because that shit's supposed to be good for your skin anyway, so. Really, you just helped her out?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Pranks on my old roommate who was still dating her. Giving her some smooches.

[Damien Speranza]

I've never done anything like that. I tried to one time give the money shot on the. On the tits because I thought that'd be cool. And I missed and I got it in the eyelashes. She's one of those that gets the eyelashes done.

[Zach Amico]

So I was, like, in trouble for a while.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I was in trouble for that one. I had a girl get mad at me. She was pretty heavy. We had been walking around all day, and she had, like, chub rub, like.

[Damien Speranza]

Yep.

[Zach Amico]

She had chafing on her thighs, and I pulled out, came on it. By accident?

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, by accident.

[Alex Thomas]

Burned.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So mad at me.

[Alex Thomas]

God damn, bro.

[Damien Speranza]

They get so mad, you know? They tell you to pull out and they get so mad.

[Alex Thomas]

It's got to go somewhere. Do it on my property to clean after. You can wipe this off.

[Zach Amico]

Jerk off in a tissue. And I look acidic. Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Ever get it in your hair and you get pissed off because it got in your hair? That's another one I heard ladies get.

[Alex Thomas]

Mad at mad about that.

[Zach Amico]

That's. Yes.

[Shannon]

If it's clearly accidental. It's whatever. Eyelashes would have bothered me, though, because I used to get mine done and that would be a whole thing.

[Damien Speranza]

But what if you knew I was aiming for the boobs and it was just a misfire? Then I'm okay, if anything.

[Zach Amico]

That's impressive.

[Shannon]

Yeah, it's. It's. That's like a frustrating thing. Zach's thing, though. I don't see a reason for her to get mad at that one.

[Damien Speranza]

You don't see a reason for her to get mad? No.

[Shannon]

Because it's still like. Right. It's like it 2 inches or maybe several inches over from where it started.

[Zach Amico]

The plus. Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

I thought you were just.

[Alex Thomas]

Cause it burned, I think. Right. She's probably like, ow.

[Damien Speranza]

The.

[Shannon]

Her fault.

[Zach Amico]

It's her fault for becoming fat slob.

[Damien Speranza]

Score one for Shannon.

[Zach Amico]

You gotta use Dr. Bromlers on that.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Or whatever it is. The diaper. The diaper. That's. That's how you know. That's. That's. That's. I've actually found just. I use just deodorant now.

[Damien Speranza]

What, down there?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Just between my thigh, I'll throw like a little gel deodorant.

[Damien Speranza]

I get that.

[Zach Amico]

Give it a little. Give it just a little bit up a little, you know, Keep it Keep it moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Less friction. I get it.

[Zach Amico]

I just had this conversation because I told that story years ago, and I did it on a podcast, and Seth Simons talked about it.

[Alex Thomas]

I was about to bring it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that's. And it's never good to read one of your jokes verbatim in an article.

[Damien Speranza]

Right, right, right.

[Zach Amico]

And. But he had written about that, because then my dad called. I talked to my dad about this. This weekend, by the way, I might.

[Damien Speranza]

Do a podcast with my dad.

[Zach Amico]

My dad wants to do a podcast when he retires.

[Alex Thomas]

Awesome.

[Zach Amico]

Not like a weekly, but I think we're gonna do, like, a couple.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Hell, yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Limited run.

[Zach Amico]

A limited run of just me and my dad telling stories. And I was talking about how I was afraid to tell that story publicly. And then my dad told me when he added. When he was at his old shop, he hated his boss's son. And his boss's son came in and was talking about how he had this. It was like some cold cut. I want to say ham, but it was, like, super expensive. And nobody touch it. Like, this is my lunch for the week. And I spent all this money and. No, nobody could try it. He was just a real kind about. He could have just written his name on it.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So my dad said he wiped his ass with it with the. The loose pieces of deli meat and put them back. And this is the same boss, when he had an iced coffee, my dad put the straw up his ass.

[Alex Thomas]

Jesus Christ.

[Damien Speranza]

Your dad's an ass, though, huh? Yeah, right? His pranks have to come from the ass.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, well, the worst one came from his drink, so.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, I've never done that. Kind of.

[Alex Thomas]

Like, I never stuck anything up my ass.

[Damien Speranza]

No, but anything.

[Zach Amico]

Like, I'm not a ass guy.

[Damien Speranza]

No. Like, if I do something, somebody, I'm angry. It's not like a silly. Like one guy in high school, I was, like, in love with this girl for, like, three years. And then, like, he was a friend of mine, we played a team together, and I hope God he doesn't watch this, even though statute limitations up. But anyway, he. He ended up, like, going out with her when I thought I. Because she had a boyfriend for two years and they broke up. Like, oh, this is my moment.

[Zach Amico]

We had gone out once.

[Damien Speranza]

We kissed him, like, this is it. And then he swooped right in and took her. I keyed the shit out of his car one night. And then the best part is I went home, I went to sleep, and one of my other boys from the team called Me, he's like, yo, somebody.

[Zach Amico]

Key this guy's car. Come.

[Damien Speranza]

Whatever. You got to come see this. So I had to go over there with everybody.

[Zach Amico]

Look at the car.

[Damien Speranza]

My God, this is awful. Who would do such a thing?

[Zach Amico]

That's like when they say serial killers revisit their site. See my work, they see. They stand on the lawn while the parent who would do such.

[Alex Thomas]

They do interviews.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Just looking at it, like, oof, this is rough.

[Zach Amico]

I did that too. We were on stage crew in high school, and the kid that ran stage crew was just a cunt.

[Damien Speranza]

It's such a great.

[Zach Amico]

His name was Greg, and we hated Greg. Greg was just a jerk off. And we were fucking her out of the school. We were just there all day, and there was no school. It was like a Sunday. And we're doing stage crew, but we could just kind of run around and do dumb shit. So we found all the maxi pads in the nurse's office, and then we found, like, all these gallons of ice cream in the cafeteria. So we covered his car in maxi pads and ice cream. And then there was a girl that was his friend that saw us do it. And she started screaming at us, and she's like, you have to clean that up. He's gonna be so mad. And she starts cleaning his car.

[Damien Speranza]

And I was like, fingerprints? No.

[Zach Amico]

I went and got him, and I was like, samantha's wrecking your car. And he walked out and he saw her with the pans and the ice cream, and he started screaming at it.

[Damien Speranza]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I was a devious little monkey. Somebody got me when I was little.

[Damien Speranza]

I remember we were at my friend's house. I was like, maybe like, fourth grade or something. And he had an older sibling that was, like, drinking beer and, like, convinced us, you want to try a beer? It was just piss in a beer bottle.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, good.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So that was.

[Damien Speranza]

That was nice.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

I had friends like, TP my house and my.

[Zach Amico]

They.

[Alex Thomas]

They. One time, Saran wrapped my dad's car just, like, pretty intricately. Like, they took a long time to do it. That's gonna be annoying as it was, that has a picture of it somewhere.

[Zach Amico]

But yeah, that's pretty harmless, though. You're gonna be late.

[Alex Thomas]

So, like, it was on a weekend.

[Zach Amico]

I had a teacher in high school who was, like, born again Christian, so his kids didn't get to do, like, Halloween and shit. But he would tell us, hey, if you're gonna go out on Mischief night, these are the things you're allowed to do to my house. Because he would then make the holiday for his daughters for everything they cleaned up, they got a dollar. So basically, he turned Halloween into, like, clean up prank day.

[Damien Speranza]

Right, right, right.

[Zach Amico]

And he was in a wheelchair, so we would just wreck the ramp.

[Damien Speranza]

Spike strips across the ramp.

[Zach Amico]

We would, like, tie shit across, tape it. We would Saran Wrap so that he couldn't get out of the door.

[Damien Speranza]

I'm, like, picking out a handicapped person.

[Zach Amico]

No, he was the. Cause he got. He got it, though. He was cool as fuck. He and I were in a prank war because he put a rotten egg in my backpack.

[Alex Thomas]

The wheelchair guy?

[Zach Amico]

Yes, Mr. Gall. He put a rock. Well, first, I think they put a thing of confetti above the other history teacher's door. So, like, the door was cracked with a bucket of confetti on top. So when he opened it up, it all fell on him.

[Damien Speranza]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

The game put a rotten egg in my backpack. So that when I went to my next class, I opened it up, it stunk. Everybody made fun of me. So then I went and bought a bottle of clam juice, and I put it on my grandma's radiator for three weeks. And then I knew that the library made Mr. Gems coffee. And he had, like, a big, like, big hoddle of coffee in the morning. So I. I found it, and I feel. I filled it with clam juice instead of milk.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

And I just had this bottle of viscous white liquid. And the. The librarian saw me, and she thought I was pouring Come. Yeah. A bottle of calm.

[Alex Thomas]

Seeing you. She's like, that's come. I know it.

[Zach Amico]

I know. Not necessarily from one person either. And she freaked out. No, no, it's clam juice. And I had to show the label. And I just remember him rolling into class that morning, and I belated, and he had just this look on his face. He goes, I need you all. He was from Georgia. He was from the South. Because I need you all to know I need my coffee in the morning. And I don't take a sip. I chug about half my first cup.

[Damien Speranza]

And it took me until I was.

[Zach Amico]

Done chugging to realize my coffee tasted like fish this morning.

[Damien Speranza]

Really about. That's gross.

[Zach Amico]

But he still messages me about that. He said it was the most creative because it looked like cream in the coffee, of course. Damn, that was a good one.

[Damien Speranza]

Well played.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our friends at Yo Kratom, home of the $60 kilo. That's right. If you use Kratom. If you don't don't start on my account. But if you do Kratom, there's only one place in the world to get it from, and that's Yokratum.com. so stop going to bodegas, smoke shops, and gas stations where you even know what's in there. They don't know what the product is. Yocratum.com has the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at the network. And there's no promo code needed. Why? It's already the best deal in the world. To kratom. That's right. 60 bucks a whole kilo. Yo, kratom.com. home of the $60 kilo. All right, let's get back to the show. Shannon, where do you like to take home?

[Alex Thomas]

Show us. Don't you don't point.

[Zach Amico]

What?

[Shannon]

I. I don't know. I don't remember.

[Zach Amico]

I don't remember. Did you have like a least resistance?

[Shannon]

I mean, I don't. I was never like a face person.

[Alex Thomas]

None of them really are.

[Zach Amico]

It's just basically whatever. The path of least resistance.

[Shannon]

Yeah. Just not my face.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, that's fair. I didn't mean to ask you at an embarrassment.

[Shannon]

No, no, that's okay.

[Zach Amico]

More just, you know, to complete my fantasy, get an accurate portrayal. Good for you.

[Damien Speranza]

I don't remember because they never pull out.

[Shannon]

Oh.

[Damien Speranza]

Oh.

[Zach Amico]

Leaving in higher. That's the preferred method. Spray pray, Shannon.

[Shannon]

All right.

[Zach Amico]

All right, here's one. An English backpacker who was drunk when she hit and killed a man riding on a scooter in Perth has been sentenced to jail. You have got to see how drunk these whores are getting on this fucking scooter. I can't believe they can kill all of them, but.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, wait, someone I missed. Someone died.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Scooter ran over somebody and killed him.

[Shannon]

She hit a. She had a person, like, from behind, so she was driving the scooter on the sidewalk. You'll see it. We don't see. We don't see that happen, but we.

[Zach Amico]

Don'T see the hit, but we see her. You just gotta see how drunk they are trying to get on the goddamn thing.

[Alex Thomas]

I'm on a scooter. Let's take a scooter. No, Debbie, we kind of wanna take a scooter.

[Zach Amico]

Look at these fucking. Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Jesus.

[Alex Thomas]

Didgeridoo. Ah, get on the screen.

[Zach Amico]

What is Perth cbd?

[Damien Speranza]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

Pitch.

[Alex Thomas]

God damn. It's just what they call, like the.

[Damien Speranza]

The downtown areas in Australia.

[Shannon]

How.

[Alex Thomas]

Bro, I would never get this drunk in public. These chicks are alone in public. Like, what the. God damn, this is danger. Yeah, they left one.

[Damien Speranza]

Oh, they're trying to tag team that.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh my God, bro, this is a nightmare.

[Damien Speranza]

They definitely have threesomes in their spare time. Oh, they're holding.

[Alex Thomas]

Hey, officer, look out. The buggery cops are behind us.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, it does look fun. Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Honestly, it looks like they have the best night of their lives. It really sucks they killed someone. Is it that? Look at them. They're like, get out of the way, we got a room. Can we go hang out?

[Damien Speranza]

Take a minute to acknowledge how far they actually made it together on that screen, as drunk as they were.

[Zach Amico]

Now, do I commend this? No. They weren't even fat if I was drunk and on the. On a scooter. That sounds so fun. Yeah, yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

I take scooters for fun.

[Zach Amico]

Anyway, cruising down a boardwalk, just fucking flying, going fast is so fun.

[Damien Speranza]

Well, that's a shitty obituary though, to have to like say you got hit by a scooter or two. White drunk, that's your way out.

[Zach Amico]

Now. They kill him on impact or. It doesn't say.

[Damien Speranza]

It said he fell and hit his head.

[Shannon]

Yeah, it was a 51 year old and he died in the chance.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that they were going fast, dude.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, they were.

[Alex Thomas]

I mean, like, you hit your head though. It's just like the fuck.

[Zach Amico]

I bet that they could have fucked somebody up though, just hitting them. Yeah, probably chicks on a.

[Alex Thomas]

They look like they're going at least 15 miles per hour.

[Zach Amico]

They were flying. Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Like so.

[Damien Speranza]

I just can't believe they were able to stay straight for that long.

[Zach Amico]

They were cruising wild. That. Yeah, that is. That's impressive.

[Damien Speranza]

She gets some time off just for being so good.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, man.

[Alex Thomas]

I spoke to joint riding my bike through Amsterdam on the canals and it was so much fun. So I get it.

[Zach Amico]

But you just didn't murder.

[Alex Thomas]

I didn't murder anyone.

[Shannon]

She only got four years.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, she got four years.

[Damien Speranza]

Wait, wait. The driver got four years, but the one in the back didn't get.

[Shannon]

I don't see anything about the other one. But the. The one who was driving, she blew an alcohol level of 0.185. Yeah, and so. But I. Which is. It says three times the limit. So they have a different, I guess like alcohol level range. In Australia it's only 0.05 there. Where? Here it's 0.08. So there it was three times over the limit.

[Damien Speranza]

But that's crazy that the one in the back didn't get charged because that was the bigger of the two bitches. So, like, the momentum from her is probably what killed the guy.

[Alex Thomas]

Scientifically, it's her fault.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. She was steering. The other one was the power behind it.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I think that that's a great ad for Uber. Yeah. Yeah. Just. Hey, you gotta get home. If you can't.

[Alex Thomas]

If you both have to take one scooter, just take an Uber.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. It's probably. Can't be that much. No.

[Damien Speranza]

Also, the one that was driving that had the high alcohol. Blood alcohol, because she was standing up. All right. It was. The other one that was.

[Zach Amico]

The other one was like.

[Damien Speranza]

Imagine what her level was. That's insane.

[Alex Thomas]

How about we go left in one of those and just kill someone?

[Zach Amico]

I missed the breath.

[Damien Speranza]

We.

[Zach Amico]

Chad, we got to bring in the breathalyzer out more often when we do drinking shows.

[Shannon]

Yeah, we can. We have it. We do have it from the power hour.

[Zach Amico]

Those were fun days. We did a power hour on Shannon show, and I was legally under the limit at the end of a power hour.

[Damien Speranza]

Holy.

[Zach Amico]

While also doing shots of whiskey. I'll do it.

[Alex Thomas]

Just make sure I don't have work that day.

[Zach Amico]

A power hour sucks. Is not fun. It's a shot of beer every minute for an hour, and it doesn't sound like it's gonna get you ripped.

[Alex Thomas]

It's thick. It's bread.

[Zach Amico]

It's a lot. It's a lot of. Because what is it?

[Alex Thomas]

It's like five beers, probably, right?

[Zach Amico]

Or like, it's having one and a half 40s in an hour. Yeah. Which I've definitely had more and not been hammered.

[Damien Speranza]

But you're also mixing shots in when.

[Zach Amico]

You were doing it. I. Yes, I was. And also, I think it's just the. The spirit speed. Like, there's something about doing the shots with it. Like, you feel like you're never caught up.

[Damien Speranza]

I wouldn't see. I don't drink, so I have no. I've never drank. I don't know what that would do to me if I did that.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it would. You up, dude.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, yeah, man.

[Damien Speranza]

Never.

[Alex Thomas]

You never drink?

[Zach Amico]

No.

[Shannon]

Wow.

[Damien Speranza]

Dude.

[Zach Amico]

I don't think you would stay awake through it for the hour if. If you've never had booze. Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

It would hit you quick, too.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Even beer.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

All right, so we actually. This is a revisit. I. This is a video I saw. I want to say, months ago, Shannon. And we couldn't find it, and we finally did. It's an AI Video. And now that I know it exists, and I'm not a crazy person, I just want to watch it so that people see what I had been talking about. So for the people that have been watching the show, I'd seen a video that was an AI 911 the ride. And we tried to find it for a whole episode and couldn't find it. Well, it came back across my algorithm, sent it to Shannon immediately. She said, are you sure you want to show this on the show? And I said, yes, I am. Shannon.

[Damien Speranza]

Is this part of the drill schedule?

[Zach Amico]

Is it real world or exercise?

[Alex Thomas]

Look ahead to the sculpted sphere and the twin Twin towers rising above you.

[Damien Speranza]

Enter the North Tower lobby.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, my God.

[Damien Speranza]

That's.

[Alex Thomas]

This is brutal. Is Pete Davidson's dad in here somewhere?

[Zach Amico]

This is so scary.

[Alex Thomas]

Yo. What?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I forgot about the abs on the Man Brothers. I forgot about the Pakistanis on the van in Jersey City.

[Damien Speranza]

You are with us or you are with the terrorists?

[Zach Amico]

I remember that. The poppy fields in Afghanistan.

[Alex Thomas]

Yo. What? This rules?

[Zach Amico]

Fucking funny.

[Alex Thomas]

That fucking rules. The guys in New Jersey was fucking hilarious.

[Zach Amico]

I always forget about that. Something. They always thought that was, like, what I, like, the biggest, like, I don't know what, say, urban legends or, like, things that everybody talked about, like that they were dancing on cars right in Jersey City, watching. And, like, there's no footage of that. That's just one of those, like. Because they said it was white vans, right? You remember around then, there was just like, all these fucking, like, word of mouth, you know, there was more things coming.

[Damien Speranza]

Everyone had a story, something they heard.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, everybody knew somebody's cousin said they saw this or they saw this. I just remember coming home because I was in school. We were watching her through the window. Everybody's parents came and got him. And then my mom made us go to my grandma's house because my dad's welding shop was under the house. And she's like, zachary, what if they do something here? And I'm like, I don't think they're gonna go. World Trade Center, Pentagon, and then a random house in New Jersey, but. And then we went to my grandma's house, who we had to take off the lawn because she was yelling about Jews.

[Damien Speranza]

Nice.

[Alex Thomas]

Hell, yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

It's a good timing for that.

[Zach Amico]

She went from. She. It was with her lady across the street. And my grandma just started yelling about Jews in Israel and how that was behind it. And we had to politely walk her in the house and be like, yeah, we know, but don't yell.

[Damien Speranza]

Don't tell everybody.

[Alex Thomas]

Wait 20 years.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, that was crazy. I actually had that summer before, I worked at a summer camp and I lost my virginity to a girl from England at summer camp. Yeah, she ended up coming back to my house in Jersey to like spend some time, whatever. I went back to college. She was supposed to fly back. And then that happened, so the airport shut down. She couldn't fly off like two weeks. So she was just staying with my mom at my house.

[Zach Amico]

I was a weird college, like two weeks just hanging out with. I never called the mom of some guy. You bank.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, my mom called. She's like, hey, do you want to talk to her? I was like, I mean, now you put me on the phone. I guess, like I will. But yeah, it was. That was wild.

[Alex Thomas]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Zach Amico]

Just hanging out with some. Some broad boy with an accent.

[Damien Speranza]

Just hanging out. All right.

[Zach Amico]

Indian. Indian. Indian. Indiana bar shooter with no legs uses stand your ground defense in trial.

[Alex Thomas]

So it's ironic, isn't it?

[Shannon]

So this is a 30. 30 year old guy, Justin Burton, was shot and killed after police say a dispute started over a vape penny. So there was a woman who was. Let me see. So they. She thought that this guy, the guy who was murdered, took her vape. So the wheelchair guy goes over to the guy and just like reaches into his pocket, like taking out what he thought was going to be her vape. And then that guy pushes him and he had tipped his wheelchair back. And so he just shot fired one shot, major offense. Shot him in the head. And by the way, end of the story is she had her vape in her hand the whole time.

[Damien Speranza]

Again.

[Zach Amico]

Fucking broad.

[Damien Speranza]

They're always a goddamn problem.

[Alex Thomas]

Sorry, Shannon. Not you, Shannon.

[Shannon]

Thank you.

[Damien Speranza]

Always the problem.

[Zach Amico]

It's insane what women can lose when they've had a drink.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, fair point.

[Zach Amico]

It's bananas. And how vehemently they will fight you that it was stolen. Yeah. As someone who's ever watched. If you've ever watched a drunk girl accuse a bartender of stealing her credit card.

[Damien Speranza]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Numerous times I saw that a drunk.

[Alex Thomas]

Girl just act up. Is I. I leave. I can't deal with it.

[Damien Speranza]

Women are the worst, dude. Between. So I used to be. Listen, I used to be a bouncer at Toad's place in New Haven.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

All the college kids from Yale, Quinnipiac. The women were always the worst. And then when I was a bounty hunter, full time, arresting women was the worst. They were always the worst.

[Alex Thomas]

Claw.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. It's fighting and scratching and spinning.

[Damien Speranza]

They don't stop like with the guys, when guys square up and they fight, usually when you knock one down, it's over. Like, it's done. Like, I'm not gonna hit a woman. So she just. They just keep going and, like, refuse to give up no matter what kind of, like, position. You have them pinned down. It's crazy. They're so bad. And then at the bars, forget, like you said, they'll be digging in their purse. Like, you know, they stole it.

[Zach Amico]

I can't find.

[Damien Speranza]

It's in the purse. They just can't find it. I feel like I'm shitting on women too much. Sorry.

[Alex Thomas]

No, no. This is the place.

[Zach Amico]

You're around the right guy, so. Well, here's the thing. Shannon. Woman's woman. But Shannon also has worked in the bar industry, so I feel like she has both sides of this, right?

[Shannon]

I have, yes. And then I also, for a brief period of time, did, like, certain. Did searches of the females that were going into the club. So I was like the chick bouncer, but not during fights. I would hide behind the guys during fights, but I would, like, search the chicks down. And, yes, women are a problem.

[Alex Thomas]

Do you have to do full cavity?

[Shannon]

No, I never had to. But I got to keep all the fun stuff they had to remove. Like, the pink. I had a pink Mace that I took from a girl once. It was in her bag. I was like, I'll hold it here. You can get it later. Then I just got to keep it.

[Zach Amico]

Did you ever take drugs off somebody?

[Shannon]

I don't think so. I don't think we're, like, really searching for that. Just weapons.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Alex Thomas]

You did that at Toad's Place?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I've taken.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

I. From Connecticut as well. I used to go to Toad's Place all the time. And notorious. The staff at Toad's Place was taking blunts out of people's hands.

[Zach Amico]

Blunts, Dude. I would take coke. Yeah, of course.

[Damien Speranza]

I mean, I told this. I told the story on Shannon's podcast. But when I was doing bounty hunting full time, I'd arrest people and. Excuse me. And we'd find, like, heroin, crack, whatever on them, and I'd keep it, and then I would just use it for information later and, like, Waterbury and stuff like that, just to get people to open up. Nice. But, yeah, I mean, the clubs are wild, you know, just. And the women, like I said. Or the woman will start the fight. She's the reason the fight starts. Like, you could tell the guy doesn't want to fight. Like, he's like, yeah, she's just being obnoxious. But, like, as her date or boyfriend, I have to do something now.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's the worst.

[Damien Speranza]

And this guy killed somebody now because he was trying to get her stupid vape that was in her hand.

[Zach Amico]

All so. Poor guy. Already his life sucked.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He's in a wheelchair and he's dealing with this c. But also, imagine having the.

[Damien Speranza]

Like, he must have been jacked up top. To think you're going to bully some dude from a wheelchair. Like, just to roll over and put your hand.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, you up there. Where's the vape? Get down here.

[Damien Speranza]

Let me get in this pocket and take your shit.

[Zach Amico]

Or he's right there.

[Damien Speranza]

Fair point.

[Alex Thomas]

I'm telling you, the upfront to the chair is what did this. Like, he shoved him and moved his chair. That was all he had to do.

[Damien Speranza]

He should have put his brakes on.

[Alex Thomas]

I know. That's true.

[Damien Speranza]

That is true.

[Alex Thomas]

Get a better chair, bro.

[Zach Amico]

By the way, whenever a girl is searching for her credit card drunk, first thing, you always go, go. Is it in your bra? The amount of times I've had drunk girls. Ow.

[Damien Speranza]

It's amazing.

[Zach Amico]

What?

[Damien Speranza]

What? Yeah, comics. What women will keep in their bra. And then I was gonna say, I know a female comic who has a. We'll call it a bit on stage where, like, she pulls, like, a fake gun out of her bra.

[Zach Amico]

No, it's cool.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, it's just. But like, it's. I. It is weird how many women keep so much stuff in their bra.

[Zach Amico]

I get it. I mean, it's a good spot, I guess. I mean, we always brought girls to buy weed when we were kids because they would put it in their bra and they would have to call a girl cop to search them. So they wouldn't. They usually didn't have time.

[Damien Speranza]

That makes sense. I don't know. I. Yeah, I've never found anything. In all the times I've arrested people or whatever, I've never found anything. Wasn't supposed to in a bra, I guess.

[Zach Amico]

And plus, they have a front pocket. That's great, dude. I would smuggle every. Dude, if I had a. Oh, yeah. I would smuggle so much drugs in the airport.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Dude, just something about the way you said that, like, you almost had real hope behind it. If I had a.

[Zach Amico]

If I had a. I'd be. Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

This isn't the first time I thought about it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Because I feel like I look like I might have drugs on me.

[Damien Speranza]

You think?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

But I think if I had a vagina, I'd be pretty flagrant about bringing drugs to the airport. I mean, I do get. I even have nothing on me. I get scared of walking by the.

[Damien Speranza]

Dogs in case there's some residue left somewhere.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

I forget something.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Every time, dude, I get.

[Damien Speranza]

Well, don't. Like the mules from, like, the, you know, South American countries. Like, doesn't it sometimes rupture inside of them?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, die.

[Alex Thomas]

That's. Yeah, that's in every drug show I've ever watched. That happens to somebody.

[Zach Amico]

I want to say there's a recent story about a guy who swallowed a bunch of bags of coke and literally told the cops, like, hey, I'm about to die. And they just let him die in the seat. Oh, they thought he was fake. And he's like, no, I just swallowed eight bags of heroin or whatever he had.

[Damien Speranza]

It's gonna be the worst to know death is coming.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

I mean, like, that's gotta.

[Zach Amico]

And your handcuffs in the back of.

[Alex Thomas]

A cop through it too, sometimes. It's just the bags aren't stomach acid conducive or whatever.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, Well, I think you're supposed. That's what you're supposed to do. Balloons, Right, Right, right.

[Alex Thomas]

Body packing. Not for me.

[Zach Amico]

All right, do we have any photos or video the. This wheelchair thing or.

[Alex Thomas]

No, I have a handsome wheelchair guy.

[Shannon]

No, I'll show you. This is him.

[Damien Speranza]

Wow. You have to say it like that.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, man.

[Shannon]

It's not great.

[Zach Amico]

No, it's not.

[Alex Thomas]

He looks like a fan.

[Damien Speranza]

I've seen him at Skank fest. Definitely.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, man.

[Damien Speranza]

Shannon, would you ever bang somebody in a wheelchair? Oh. Oh.

[Alex Thomas]

What if he. Yeah, Shannon, what if he. When he, like, laid down, he was over six feet?

[Shannon]

I could. I can't. I can't say, like. No. Like, he's like. Maybe there's. What if he's like, super hot guy and I don't know.

[Zach Amico]

What if the wheelchair had huge wheels, like those old timey bicycles?

[Shannon]

Yeah. He just needs his head has to be up above mine somehow.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So what if. What if he sat on a really high wheelchair so he was still taller than you?

[Shannon]

He had, like, monster truck wheels.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. That would be fun. I'd go anywhere.

[Shannon]

That's true. I'd consider it.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, hell yeah, dude. All right, handicapped guys out there, start working on a really tall wheelchair. What if he was handicapped, but tall. But they just brought him everywhere on, like, the Hannibal Lecter, like a dolly. They just strapped him to that. So you still knew he was tall.

[Alex Thomas]

Hello, Shannon.

[Shannon]

But then he had handlers to do that. Like, I don't have to do that.

[Zach Amico]

You don't have to do that. Oh, yeah, no, no.

[Shannon]

Maybe.

[Zach Amico]

Dude. I was with my friend Stuart over the weekend, and Stuart's a bear. Stewart only is with other guys who are enormous. And he has taken a lover by the name of Zach. Spelled like me. Yeah. And he said, it's been weird. And then I saw some photos of Zach. He is a big boy.

[Alex Thomas]

Does he like you?

[Zach Amico]

Glasses, blonde hair.

[Alex Thomas]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

But he's got a real beard. He's got a man's beard.

[Alex Thomas]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

All right.

[Alex Thomas]

There you go.

[Zach Amico]

Not this shit. But he's like six, two, huge. And I'm not even just fat. Just fucking a big, big boy. And gone through the photos. And then I get to. Well, first of all, because the story that sparked this was they were at a gay bathhouse together, and all the private rooms had been taken. So they found a little spot that they thought they were. They had privacy.

[Damien Speranza]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And my friend gets a text, heard you're the main event at the bathhouse. Because apparently everyone just stops what they were doing and watch these two giant guys fuck. So then I swipe and I accidentally get to the more lurid pictures. This guy's balls. I can't stop thinking about him. It's a picture of him from behind. He's on all fours, sitting on his ankles, kind of. So his feet are, like, right under his butt. Yep. Okay. Huge ass.

[Damien Speranza]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

With a fucking set of ball. I mean, have you ever seen, like, when a pig has really big balls?

[Damien Speranza]

Yes. At a fair.

[Zach Amico]

At a fair, right?

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

That's exact. I mean, to it. I couldn't believe there wasn't a little curly tail. And I was with my friend Seeger, too. And he goes, that picture belongs in a farmer's almanac. It's. Dude.

[Damien Speranza]

Oh, God damn it.

[Zach Amico]

Bigger. The balls on this guy, it looked like grapefruits. Good Lord, man. Yes.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, God.

[Zach Amico]

The balls on this. The middle one.

[Alex Thomas]

Damn, dude.

[Zach Amico]

The balls on this curse, bro. They're not. I don't even know how you wear pants with those.

[Damien Speranza]

I don't know. You walk, you sit, or you do anything.

[Alex Thomas]

As you get older, it gets worse, too. So it's like.

[Damien Speranza]

I don't know, man. That's terrible.

[Alex Thomas]

I have a grim future ahead of me. I'm not saying I've, like.

[Damien Speranza]

I'll just say your balls sagging already.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

I don't know what's going on.

[Zach Amico]

Do they ever go in the water?

[Alex Thomas]

No, not. But it's like they're getting it. You know, I got.

[Zach Amico]

I've had it a few times.

[Alex Thomas]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

Ever in the summer when I'm really. When I'm really hanging. I've had a few times where I sat on the toilet and I'm just.

[Alex Thomas]

I've just heard it gets worse. So I'm just.

[Zach Amico]

I'm human. Grandpa Emilio said 63 can be.

[Alex Thomas]

I can't imagine it's going to be easy.

[Zach Amico]

My Cuban grandpa said that he had real long balls at the end and then he kept sitting on him.

[Alex Thomas]

There's probably a surgery where they can do something, right?

[Zach Amico]

Probably tighten them up.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Face a ball lift.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Just this extra little bit.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I bet you could. So it might have, like a testicle plastic or whatever. I'm sure it's just. You don't need the testicles done. You need the sack skin. Yeah.

[Shannon]

Yes. It's a skin scrotal lift or scrotoplasty.

[Zach Amico]

What's the.

[Alex Thomas]

What's the price?

[Shannon]

Do I know prices?

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Damien Speranza]

That's amazing.

[Alex Thomas]

Poor Shannon. We put it into the regular every episode. We're like, shannon, look it up.

[Shannon]

Three. Three to ten thousand dollars.

[Alex Thomas]

Okay.

[Damien Speranza]

In the U.S. jesus. I could say for like a pair of tits, right?

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

It's like 10 grand.

[Zach Amico]

In all fairness. You just get tits.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. Or fat removal. I dated a girl who did that.

[Damien Speranza]

She needed it, and now she's got it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

She gave.

[Alex Thomas]

She got it back.

[Zach Amico]

Got it again.

[Alex Thomas]

Whatever, dude. They do that.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

The. Yo, yo.

[Shannon]

I have a before and after.

[Damien Speranza]

Yes. I'm a sack.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Alex Thomas]

Oh, God.

[Damien Speranza]

So excited.

[Alex Thomas]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

All right.

[Damien Speranza]

It does make his piece look bigger, though.

[Alex Thomas]

It does.

[Zach Amico]

His piece does look way bigger.

[Damien Speranza]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

That doesn't seem like too much balls for me. That's like a regular amount of balls.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah. Nat it.

[Zach Amico]

But the skin, look how old it looks.

[Damien Speranza]

On the left, it looks like a younger. Sack on the right looks like a younger. I don't even want my.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, but he grew in a little pubes. Like, he's taking better care of it.

[Damien Speranza]

I don't know what they do. They just cut some off and, like, pull it straight. Like, where do you stretch it?

[Zach Amico]

I'd imagine they probably cut it off and sew it back together.

[Damien Speranza]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Maybe so they had a. I had a cancer.

[Damien Speranza]

They had to take one of my balls and they do it just so you know, in case you're curious. Of course they don't cut the sack and take it out from the sack. See on the. The right there, that line looks like a scar. Yeah, that's where they cut you and then they pull it out the top.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, like a marionette? Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Isn't that crazy? So I had like a little scar there now.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Damien Speranza]

But yeah, that's what they take. They don't cut it from the middle. Like you think it would just open the sack and. Nope, gotta pull it out the top.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Shannon]

Actually, I found that they can do implants if you just have one. Here's a before and after of that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, the Tom Green. Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

I never got the implant. I felt like having a fake ball in there would have been. So I just kind of left it lopsided.

[Zach Amico]

How did you find out?

[Damien Speranza]

I was just on the toilet and I just happened to reach down and one felt much larger than the other and very hard. And I was like, oh, shit.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, buddy.

[Damien Speranza]

And at the time I was married, so I had like. I don't. I'm not a panic person. So I felt it. I'm like, ah, this might be something. The next night, my ex wife was like grooming me. She was doing the thing and she noticed it. She goes, hey, you might get this job.

[Zach Amico]

What do you mean grooming?

[Damien Speranza]

Like doing the pubes and stuff? She was just.

[Alex Thomas]

She does that for you?

[Damien Speranza]

She's a hairstylist, so it worked.

[Zach Amico]

I thought she. I thought you meant she was like eating bugs.

[Damien Speranza]

No, she was just doing the trimming and. But she.

[Zach Amico]

When you're done with the bugs on my scalp, can you check my nuts real quick?

[Damien Speranza]

But yeah, she noticed that. She was like, hey, this. I don't remember it being this big. I was like, well, now I definitely gotta go get it checked because if she's noticing. And then. Yeah, like within like three weeks I was.

[Alex Thomas]

How long till after the surgery could you like perform again regularly?

[Damien Speranza]

So about, I think it was about two months.

[Zach Amico]

Did you see his act?

[Damien Speranza]

Never.

[Zach Amico]

Two weeks until you can blow load again.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

No, no, it was about no blowing.

[Damien Speranza]

The load, was it? Probably about two weeks, but it was about two months before I could actually come around and nice and like that normal because, you know, they cut into the muscle down there. So like.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, it's gotta be.

[Damien Speranza]

Then they gave me perks and I tried one of those.

[Zach Amico]

I didn't like that.

[Alex Thomas]

Dude, perks. I did per. I had to. They gave me perks for my appendix and it made me constipated, so I couldn't when I was supposed perks suck. If you do perks, you're a loser.

[Damien Speranza]

Don't say that.

[Zach Amico]

I still have some left if you want some.

[Damien Speranza]

Just Hit up the show and I'll make sure you get them.

[Zach Amico]

I say hard disagree.

[Alex Thomas]

I know, I just. That's why I'm being a dick.

[Zach Amico]

I do agree on the pooping.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Hard disagree. They suck on whether they're fun or not. On whether they're five. If you've.

[Alex Thomas]

I snort them.

[Zach Amico]

So. Yeah. If you ever blown a perk and had a couple shots of Jack and then fell asleep in a clothes pile.

[Alex Thomas]

If anyone convince me, Zach, it's you.

[Damien Speranza]

So what you're saying is the next time I come back here, I should.

[Zach Amico]

Bring it and we should be. No, I'm off.

[Damien Speranza]

No, I quit.

[Zach Amico]

I quit. I quit all painkillers in 2012 for the last time. I relapsed twice.

[Damien Speranza]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

But I was hooked. Senior high school through, on and off. In college and then the year after college. Bad.

[Damien Speranza]

That was a bad one.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that. That was. It was pain pills. It was a lot of sleeping pills. But like over the counter, like, you.

[Damien Speranza]

Know, like the ones you had the gas station.

[Zach Amico]

And we're like. Like Dwayne Reed brand. But I mean, like, I think supposed to take two. I was taking like 24 a night.

[Damien Speranza]

Jesus.

[Zach Amico]

I remember because I used to come in hundreds and I would buy one a week.

[Damien Speranza]

I feel like every time I sit across the table from you, I'm always impressed. But like, it's always a wild impressed. I'm always like, I learned something about you. I'm like, holy shit.

[Zach Amico]

And there was a few because what was happening to me was they weren't knocking me out anymore, but my body was like half asleep. So I wound up getting restless leg syndrome. So I would feel the need to. And I kick still to this day when I sleep, but I would be awake and asleep, so I never felt like I got any sleep. And I would constantly be like needing to move my legs. So it was just. It would just be stuck in bed, miserable. It wasn't high as much as I was like just trying to sedate myself, right? And then, yeah, it would be like this. Almost like a burning sensation. This need to like kick and move my legs and shit. I hated it.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, it's an unintended side effect.

[Zach Amico]

So then I went to make a movie and I realized I can't have this because I'm gonna be working like 18 hour days. I was like, I can't be not sleeping right. And hooked on this shit. So I went cold turkey. And that was it. I think I've had maybe. Cause I needed it for tooth stuff. And I followed those To a T. And other than that, I've never done them again.

[Damien Speranza]

That's impressive. Cold turkey, anything. I always find that impressive when people can just decide, well, this is it.

[Zach Amico]

And then it was just a bad look. I wasn't fun to be around. I was miserable. I was fucking definitely, like, itchy. I was. I was a mess, man. And it's just not a fun way to live. And then I would wake up, like, because I was drinking on them too.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, that's. I heard that amplifies it.

[Zach Amico]

So I would be like, you know, a couple beers deep and then 20 sleeping pills. And then you wake up just fucking 12 hours later.

[Damien Speranza]

Good Lord, man.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, hey, I'm alive.

[Damien Speranza]

Look at that. It worked.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah. No, I had to go.

[Damien Speranza]

God damn.

[Zach Amico]

So, yeah, don't do. If you can handle. That's what I'm gonna say. Responsibly, if you can. I can't. If you can, good for you, but be careful. But I can't. That's not. No for me. All right, get one or two more things. All right. We'll finish it out on this. Ex New Jersey cop allegedly handcuffed and groped firefighters during fake trainings.

[Damien Speranza]

Shannon, did you do this on purpose?

[Shannon]

This isn't my selection.

[Alex Thomas]

It's Firefighter edition Morning.

[Damien Speranza]

Jesus.

[Shannon]

So. And it's, by the way, the victims of his groping during these fake trainings. All dudes?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah, that's how it happens.

[Shannon]

Oh, I assumed it was going to be chicks. This is the guy.

[Zach Amico]

Chick. Firefighters aren't.

[Shannon]

There's lady fighters.

[Zach Amico]

That's a.

[Alex Thomas]

That's a groper.

[Damien Speranza]

They barely exist.

[Shannon]

Right. So, yeah, so he. He was the chief of a volunteer fire company in Toms River, New Jersey, and he would randomly do these trainings where he would, like, put people in handcuffs and then touch them, put them in weird sexual positions, forced acts of sexual contact upon them. Some people said that he took photographs of them while they were cuffed.

[Zach Amico]

Was these one on one trainings or in front of a group?

[Shannon]

It's not clear. It just that there were several people making these allegations. But I don't know if they happened together or not.

[Damien Speranza]

Either way, how dumb are those people? Firefighters don't need handcuffs, first of all. So I don't know where the training thing is coming from, where they're like, oh, this is gonna happen in a real life situation.

[Alex Thomas]

After you've put out the fire, you've handcuff them, make sure they can't get away.

[Damien Speranza]

I mean, that guy looked like he was definitely a predator. 100.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. He looked like a thumb.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Predator face. 100. But I just want to know what the trait. I wish it was more about, like, what they were training for maybe.

[Zach Amico]

He said it was like, in case you get kidnapped.

[Damien Speranza]

The fire. And the fire chief knows all the training for that. That just doesn't.

[Zach Amico]

I have no. I have no idea.

[Damien Speranza]

Insane.

[Zach Amico]

I just watched a thing that was. If you're handcuffed to a pole, how to try and get out. And it was like, using, like, shoelaces and shit.

[Damien Speranza]

Get it in there.

[Zach Amico]

And they said that. I want to say they might have been a firefighter training thing, but why would a firefighter ever be handcuffed?

[Damien Speranza]

So we would. The only thing I could say they could think of is that because they call us for when people are stuck, trapped, things like that. So if somebody were to, like, lose.

[Zach Amico]

The keys or something or whatever and.

[Damien Speranza]

Need help getting out of something, they would call us. We would figure out how to do a whole man versus machine thing and get somebody out.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Damien Speranza]

But even that. I mean, if we're going, we're gonna use the cutters and just cut the damn handcuffs. There's no point to use a shoestring and. And all that kind of. That just seems excessive.

[Zach Amico]

Years ago at this club, we all used to work CBs, there was a dominatrix that I would say. And she came to the show and she had a bunch of her dominatrix on her, and Big J was going through her bag and playing with it, and she had handcuffs and he put one on, and she goes out of the key first. Nice. So they had to go to. Because we were in the village, they had to go to all the sex shops until they found a pair of handcuffs that looked like them and buy them so they could get the key. And I remember Jay having to turn when we got up by the cellar. A, because he didn't want to walk by the cellar handcuffed.

[Damien Speranza]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

And B, because he saw Godfrey coming and he didn't want to have to explain to Godfrey what we were doing.

[Damien Speranza]

Well, it's also. It's hilarious if you see a guy walking around with one handcuff hanging. Like, where did he escape from?

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah.

[Damien Speranza]

That's the first thought you had.

[Alex Thomas]

Suitcase or something.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's. He's the most irresponsible. Jim.

[Damien Speranza]

Yeah. Can't go back to home now because we failed the mission.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, that was our diamond money today.

[Alex Thomas]

I gotta find these diamonds. Saul's gonna be pissed.

[Damien Speranza]

That's always something to the, like whenever I'm seeing that, like, you know, bachelor weekends, whatever, when the domination comes out, like beats the out of a guy. Like teach his own. I just can't. Like when I got married and they started to whack me a little bit. Like I was wearing jeans and they were doing. I was like, I don't like this at all.

[Alex Thomas]

I would not want that.

[Damien Speranza]

I just can't. I get mad.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's not.

[Damien Speranza]

It doesn't do it for me.

[Alex Thomas]

Yeah, they got hit. They got hit by their moms and liked it.

[Zach Amico]

That's more, I think for the show because in my experience, a lot of dominatrix stuff has been sensation play. So it'll be something that hurts, then like a soft blanket. So it'll be like a whip or, you know, the cat of nine tails, something. But then like soft stuff or like a massage or like running her fingernails up and down. So it'll be like good and bad, good and bad. And it's like the dichotomy is like part of the game.

[Damien Speranza]

I get that, like that part I get a little bit more, I guess, like, I don't know, I'm just more of a dominant personality in those situations. Yeah, well, you know, but I don't, I don't know. Just something you mentioned, the dominatrix. I'm just picturing that now.

[Zach Amico]

Well, I think also just I'm the same way.

[Alex Thomas]

Like, if a woman wants to be choked, that's fine. But if a woman like tries to choke me, I'm like, yeah. What are you doing? Get off me, vagabond. Harlot.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we're gonna call it there, guys. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you to my guest Damien Spironz and Alex Thomas. Sally, thank you to Shannon and Jorge in the booth. And we will be back on Wednesday with the morning zoo. Goodbye.

[Intro/Outro Announcer]

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