0099. Wolfgang Hunter and Tim McLaughlin

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo - Episode 99

Guests: Wolfgang Hunter, Tim McLaughlin
Date: March 27, 2026
Podcast Theme: Chaotic Morning Radio Show featuring comedians, strange news, wild stories, and offbeat commentary.

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Episode Overview

Episode 99 of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo brings together comedians Wolfgang Hunter and Tim McLaughlin for an energetic, irreverent, and often surreal romp through bizarre news stories, personal anecdotes, internet oddities, and off-the-cuff comedy. The episode veers from darkly humorous takes on tragedy to school pranks, etiquette satire, food experiments, and even sperm racing. With rapid banter and little filter, the trio create a comedic space for gallows humor, personal stories, and playful mockery.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Tragic Senior Prank Gone Wrong

[04:28–14:23]

• Story Recap: The group breaks down a news story in which a teacher, Jason Hughes, died after teenagers TP'd his house, triggering a chase that ended with Hughes accidentally being run over.

  • Quote: “He had a Looney Tunes ass death.” — Wolfgang Hunter [05:09]
  • The group riff on the absurdity of the situation with dark humor.
  • Zac discusses famous musicians, like Keith Moon and Vince Neil, who’ve killed people with cars and seemingly gotten away with light punishment.
  • Shannon explains: The family didn’t want charges brought against the teens; Hughes had a good relationship with his students.
  • Quote: “I kind of feel like the kids panicked. They did stay with him... It seems like more of an accident.” — Zac Amico [09:12]

• Sidebar: School pranks and “white boying” as criminal mischief; the group reflects on their own school days and pranks.

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2. Personal Stories & School Anecdotes

[13:02–25:24]

• Prank memories:

  • Satellite dish in the principal’s parking spot [13:13].
  • Underwhelming prank: “200 bouncy balls isn’t that many.” [13:29]
  • Teachers targeted by printed online dating profiles; bullying with humor.
  • “Oh, there’s nothing like breaking a teacher.” — Zac Amico [16:44]

• Rogue students:

  • Zac tells of sociopathic school friend Justin Capone shooting nickels out of a wrist rocket at a teacher, takes pride in the teacher “no selling” the pain.
    • Quote: “He shot him in the back with a nickel. And he no sold it. We saw it hit... That must have hurt so fucking bad.” — Zac Amico [22:54]

• Changing times in schools:

  • Corporal punishment and smoking were recently banned in schools when the hosts attended; pranks and violence discussed with nostalgia and humor.

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3. Internet & Pop Culture Oddities

[25:14–36:09]

• Slingshot videos:

  • The group watches YouTube videos of powerful slingshots (wrist rockets) shooting objects, debating their lethality [25:14–27:27].
  • Discussion on a Chinese man who throws knives using his hair braid [27:14].

• Fallen Celebrities:

  • Delve into the criminal history of the actor who played Random Task (Austin Powers), connecting DNA evidence from a paternity test to an old rape case [27:36].
  • Brief history of early UFC: “original UFC was no rules, just right” [28:31].

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4. Movie Riffs—Austin Powers and Beyond

[29:43–34:40]

• Austin Powers films:
  • Emotional memories associated with being left out of seeing the sequel.
  • Jokes about the decline in movie quality, overdone bits (“I love gold!”), and reliance on schtick.
    • “He relied more on the rapidity of a bit than, like, actual good joke writing...” — Tim McLaughlin [33:04]
  • “Three really, really reached the apex at two.” — Wolfgang Hunter [32:59]
  • Michael Caine’s appearance and “Love Guru” as the “Black Panther” for Indians. [33:55–34:09]

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5. NYC, Subways, and Vice

[36:18–37:37]

• Subway smells:
  • Experiences with weed versus crack smoke on the subway.
  • Anecdotes about encounters with crack smokers.
  • Riff on Indian stereotypes and Russell Peters touring internationally.

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6. Etiquette Satire & Food Rituals

[38:54–51:00]

• 'Etiquette Guy' Instagram:
  • The hosts react, often with disbelief and anger, to a British etiquette influencer.
  • Watching etiquette videos on:
    • Cereal: Use a fork to push flakes onto a spoon. [43:22]
    • Pizza: “Pizza is actually designed to be eaten with the hands... Clean hands, of course, first.” — Etiquette Guy [45:55]
    • Ice Cream: Uses a fork alongside a spoon for melted ice cream. [47:37]
  • The group lampoons the influencer, suggesting his advice is performative or outright trolling.
    • “This guy is really making me want to beat the shit out of him.” — Tim McLaughlin [47:55]
  • British royals mocked as “Mycroft Holmes” types with “horrible hair genes.”

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7. Food Experiments: Cooking Animal Heads

[52:06–58:09]

• Pig’s head cooking demo:
  • Watching a woman prep a pig head for roasting.
    • “White people don’t be seasoning they pig heads.” — Zach Amico [56:08]
  • Riff on Southern/country cuisine versus modern settings, food engagement bait, and seasoning debates.
  • Insinuate that engagement baits (mistakes, “unsafe” cooking) drive comments and views.

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8. Sperm Racing World Cup

[58:29–64:40]

• Recap:
  • Event where contestants submit sperm, which is raced live; $100,000 prize.
  • National qualifiers, brackets, health requirements, and ancestry rules discussed.
  • Exploration of potential gambling on sperm races by country or region.
    • “Can we gamble on this?” — Zach Amico [59:53]
  • Riff on famous promiscuous people as potential sperm racing champions; betting on “equator countries”; imagining Nick Cannon entering.
  • Jokes about childhood games (Crossfire, Beyblade) and sperm-racing event structure.

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9. Strange Personal Habits

[64:02–65:19]

• Tim’s “tape-chewing” story:

  • When quitting smoking, he chewed tape to simulate gum as a cheap substitute, framed as part of gambling addiction-driven poverty.
    • “When I was quitting smoking... I would take tape and I would ball it up and chew it like gum... I have to be half microplastics by now.” — Tim McLaughlin [64:06]

• Self-deprecation and camaraderie:

  • Zac closes with thanks and reminders about guests’ projects.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He had a Looney Tunes ass death.” – Wolfgang Hunter [05:09]
• “Oh, there’s nothing like breaking a teacher.” – Zac Amico [16:44]
• “He shot him in the back with a nickel. And he no sold it... That must have hurt so fucking bad.” – Zac Amico [22:54]
• “My friends, Justin Capone and Michael Hitler, they’re my best friends. They’re kind of from the wrong side of the tracks...” – Wolfgang Hunter [25:57]
• “This guy is really making me want to beat the shit out of him.” – Tim McLaughlin on the Etiquette Guy [47:55]
• “Pizza is actually designed to be eaten with the hands. Clean hands, of course, first.” – Etiquette Guy [45:55]
• “White people don’t be seasoning they pig heads.” – Zach Amico [56:08]
• “Can we gamble on this?” – Zac Amico (on sperm racing) [59:53]
• “When I was quitting smoking... I would take tape and I would ball it up and chew it like gum... I have to be half microplastics by now.” – Tim McLaughlin [64:06]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Time | |---------------------------------------|------------| | Senior prank tragedy | 04:28–14:23| | School pranks and anecdotes | 13:02–25:24| | Slingshot/wrist rocket discussion | 25:14–27:27| | Celebrities with criminal pasts | 27:36–28:31| | Austin Powers / Movie riffs | 29:43–34:40| | Subway life / crack & weed | 36:18–37:37| | Etiquette Guy (cereal, pizza, ice cream) | 38:54–51:00| | Cooking pig head | 52:06–58:09| | Sperm Racing World Cup | 58:29–64:40| | Tape chewing confession | 64:02–65:19|

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Additional Highlights

• Interaction with Shannon: Regular check-ins with producer Shannon for news, videos, and clarifications, providing a “straight man” balance.
• Engagement with audience: Frequent asides to listeners/viewers, inviting comments, and poking fun at engagement farming online.
• Promotion: Brief guest plugs at the start, plus mid-show sponsorships, but content focus remains on riffing.

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Summary

This episode is a showcase of Morning Zoo’s signature blend: shameless, fast-paced riffs, unfiltered dark humor, and eclectic subjects. Whether analyzing the absurdity of etiquette videos, reliving deranged pranks, or mocking sperm racing as Olympic spectacle, Zac Amico, Wolfgang Hunter, and Tim McLaughlin keep the energy wild and the laughs coming. There's a continuous undercurrent of nostalgia, internet-age cynicism, and deep camaraderie—ideal for fans of unhinged, late-morning comedy dives.

For the full experience, tune in for explicit language, boundary-pushing jokes, and the vibe that only a GaS Digital drive-time show can deliver.

Transcript

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Fill her up.

[Tim McLaughlin]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Zach Amico]

Wake up, it's time to go, Zach. Amico's got a show. Animals are here to play Jokes and guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join the CRE.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Morning suit.

[Zach Amico]

Well, hello, hello, hello. It's a Chan, am I correct? A Monday here on the GAS Digital Network. It's your other boy, the international superstar himself, Cousin Zach, saying. Welcome to Zak Amico's Morning Zoo. I have two great guests for you today. From the Great Hang Podcast that he hosts alongside Micah Fox is our great friend, Tim McLaughlin. How you doing, buddy?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I'm doing very well, Zach, and we are branching out to our Chinese listeners and doing a great Hong podcast as well.

[Zach Amico]

And our black listeners, a great Hong podcast.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's right.

[Zach Amico]

Thank you. And next to him, very fucking funny, dude. Very happy to have him here, it's Wolfgang Hunter. How you doing, brother?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Hey, what's going on, Zach?

[Zach Amico]

Good to see you, pal. Let's knock plugs right out of the way. Wolfgang, what do you want people to check out, buddy?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, you can check me out on Instagram @wolfganghunter and wolfgangirl. That's where I put out music. That second one. I am working on an album right now that I should have out by summer or fall, so follow me there.

[Zach Amico]

Awesome.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Tim gang. I have sold out to our AI Overlords and I now have an AI bot. And I'm working on taking every male name that's ever been made and making a video where it calls you gay. And you can check that out. Lambie. S L A M B I. It's a Bambi. It's a little cute deer that calls people gay. So check that out. By the time this is out, I should have a lot of dudes names and a lot of videos of them calling you gay. Or check me out on Instagram @Hot_Comics69 and listen to the Great Hank podcast or headlines only if you like political stuff.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Slam kind of sounds like a deer with big tits.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I should. I could make it have big.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, like. Like a Judy Hopps situation.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, regular Slam B. Yeah, I watched Zootopia too.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

They made her thicker in that one.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, Slamby and Humper.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I was doing a the baby from Roger Rabbit thing where it's cute but has like a deep voice. That's good, but I'll put tits on it.

[Zach Amico]

I don't give a put tits on that.

[Tim McLaughlin]

But I'm gonna make a video. It's been like, Zach, you are gay. Big fat titties. It'll be sick. It'll be sick. Zach, you can.

[Zach Amico]

That's usually two sentences I get in a row. Zach, you're gay with your big fat titties. Hey guys, follow me on Instagram and Zach is not funny. All my days. Punch up that live. Zach Amico. I have a bunch of road stuff going to governors. That was yesterday. I am in Connecticut with Greg Stone this coming weekend. I got a little tour with Crack and Miko, my little brother. Coming up. Most Importantly, may the 23rd shooting my first half an hour special with Gas Digital Network at the Creek in the cave in Austin, Texas, 7pm 9pm Myself and Tim Butterly will be splitting that time and each doing our first half an hour. So please come hang out. And if you love the show, go to gas digital.com today. Use my promo code Zoom. You get your episodes early ad free and uncensored. You get to participate in the live chat. You get the archives thousands of episodes of all your favorite guest digital shows from over the last decade. And most importantly, you get our Friday episode. We do three of these a week and if you want all three, you gotta subscribe. But thank you so much however you consume the program. All right, all right boys, let's start. So let's start here. And I do not know the details of this. Shoshan, you can explain it to us as we go along. Teacher Tragically Dies in Senior Prank Gone

[Tim McLaughlin]

Wrong Okay, I've heard a little about this.

[Zach Amico]

Family Pleads for Teens Charges to be Drop Shannon, I don't know what kind of prank this was. I don't know anything. Fill me in.

[Shannon]

Okay, so I do know the story behind it. There is a little video here so I'll play that first, then I'll fill in any holes.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The new gun challenge on TikTok hey guys, we're doing the gun challenge. Point a loaded gun at our math teacher.

[Shannon]

According to the Hall County Sheriff's Office,

[Zach Amico]

40 year old Jason Hughes was killed just outside his home Friday night when a group of teenagers came to roll toilet paper on trees on his property. They say Hughes came outside and as the 518 year old tried to flee, the teacher tripped and fell.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

One of the vehicles ran him over. He had a looney tunes ass death. The accused driver and his friends tried

[Zach Amico]

to render aid but the teacher later died at the hospital.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Is this kid related to Trevor Wallace seen here?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I hope so.

[Zach Amico]

Have been criminally charged.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

He's related to Morgan Wallace.

[Zach Amico]

So they're TP in the house?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Classic. A classic prank.

[Zach Amico]

They go to flee. He's chasing them, falls under their car.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Paul's. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Wait, I chase a car.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I imagined him slipping on a giant banana peel.

[Zach Amico]

I assumed he hit his head, but did it say that he got run over? Shannon?

[Shannon]

He did. He did get run over. So there were several cars, kind of like making a getaway at the same time.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Like he tried to jump on the

[Shannon]

hood, or I think maybe just one. One that was, like, behind him because they were all parked out in front of his car and then. But, I mean, they didn't, like, run after this. They didn't run like they. They all went back. They were performing CPR. They called 911. They all stayed with their. Stayed with him, rather, till the EMTs came. Only one of them is being charged with some form of, like, manslaughter or whatever. The rest of them, just, like, criminal

[Wolfgang Hunter]

mischief, first degree, white boying.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Damn. They ran right over his head. They're blowing into his neck hole, trying

[Zach Amico]

to wake him back up. Oh, who was it that killed. Oh, didn't Keith Moon kill his own driver?

[Tim McLaughlin]

He died on it. Didn't he die on his own vomit? Yes, but he did.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I thought he drowned in a swimming pool.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, I have no idea.

[Zach Amico]

No. Keith Moon.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

You think of John Bonham.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I'm thinking of Spinal Tap.

[Zach Amico]

Keith Moon, I believe, ran over his driver's head. That's incredible.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I did not know that.

[Zach Amico]

And got away with it. No charges.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I mean, the amount of celebrities that have killed people with cars and gotten away with is staggering.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Who's the lead singer of the who?

[Zach Amico]

Roger Daltrey?

[Tim McLaughlin]

No, it wasn't him. Then who was the one, the child porn guy?

[Zach Amico]

Townsend.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Pete Townsend.

[Zach Amico]

He was writing a book. Him.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He was doing. They All Get Away With It. I was doing research. I was making. Making sure no one else could see it.

[Zach Amico]

I was writing a song called Kid Fucker.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I didn't know that. I didn't know that about.

[Zach Amico]

I'm pretty sure he did.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I think Vince Neil killed his driver, too, didn't he?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Or.

[Zach Amico]

Vince Neil killed somebody with his car.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Vince Neil killed someone with his car when he was driving. Intoxicated, I think. Yeah, I think the girl that was with him in the car died possibly. Okay, I'm not up on my Vince Neil.

[Shannon]

I can give you some information here. So first, in regards to Keith Moon, he did accidentally kill his Driver and bodyguard. He was 24. By running him over with his Bentley while trying to escape a hostile crowd of skinheads in England.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Shannon]

He was. He was unlicensed and inebriated and panicked at the time. And then the other one, Vince Neil, involved in a drunk driving car accident in Redondo beach, killed his passenger, who was a drummer, and seriously injured two others. Neal was driving with a blood alcohol level of 0.17 and was subsequently sentenced to 30 days in jail, 200 hours of community service, and 2.6 million in restitution.

[Tim McLaughlin]

0.17 is high.

[Shannon]

That's not bad. That's like. That's like double.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, okay. Nevermind. Shannon says it's good.

[Shannon]

I've been triple before on a power hour and I got home okay.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

So chat.

[Shannon]

I didn't drive. I didn't drive.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Being a pedophile or killing people with your car. When you're a musician, write it. Write it down in the comments below.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Which do you think is.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Shout out in the comments.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Shout the comments what you think it is.

[Tim McLaughlin]

And if you're doing both, God help you. You're probably in the best band in the world.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. What's where a pedophile who runs over kids with a school bus. It was worth being a pedophile or killing somebody with your white windowless van full of candy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I almost got candy when I was a kid. There was a van. It pulled up. I was. We were like doing bike tricks in this parking lot and these people open the door to their van. They go, we have candy and dogs in here. And we go, we know that one. And we ran away.

[Zach Amico]

Meanwhile, it was just candy and dogs. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

We missed out on the greatest day of our lives.

[Zach Amico]

The candy dog van.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, I kind of feel like the kids panicked. They did stay with him.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It seems like more of an accident.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I think this is also a lesson to teachers. Maybe if you're not like a bitch all school year long, you won't have to.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, you know, they went to class the next day. Are still taking that math test. You still have to take it.

[Zach Amico]

Part of the curriculum. Teacher who would ask us to prank him. Really? Yes. My history teacher, Mr. Gem G. I don't need to spell his name. Gam. He was awesome. He actually was in a wheelchair for. He fell out of a crow's nest in the Navy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, okay.

[Zach Amico]

But he was like an old born again. Not old, but a southern.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

How old was this guy that had a crow's nest still?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he was like at the top of the thing and he fucking took a spillski.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

But he was a born again Christian. He wasn't all. He was really nice guy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Dutchman.

[Zach Amico]

And his family didn't do Halloween because of his born againness.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

But he turned it into a holiday for his kids where he would have his classes prank his house and they would get a dollar for everything. They clean each thing they cleaned up.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, that's. That's. That's not bad.

[Zach Amico]

I thought that was a pretty cool. Is it going to be like, I can't do Halloween because of Jesus? That's a cool sidestep.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's not bad. Our history teacher didn't ask us to prank him, but he did get pranked because he would wear. He had three different toupees.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He had a short one, a medium one, and a long one so it looked like his hair was growing. And every time he'd wear the long one, he'd go, I guess I need a haircut. And then the next day, he'd come in with a short one. And one of these dudes that I went to school with took his hair off his head.

[Zach Amico]

Snatched him. Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Pre world star wakes up.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Pre world star.

[Zach Amico]

Like a Waffle House Fight 2003.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Like a Hasidic woman. Incredible. Mr.

[Zach Amico]

Grim was good. So we would. Because he had the ramp. So that was the main target was how many things can we block the ramp with so he can't get out of the house?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

But he was cool. He put a rotten egg in my backpack one time. So then I. I told this recently. Right, Shannon with the clam juice?

[Shannon]

Yeah. Yes, I think so.

[Zach Amico]

I think I did. He. He would have the library make his coffee, but he had like a. He had a Stanley before girls had Stanley's.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Wow.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

He had like a big hoddle of coffee. Yeah. But. And so when he put the rotten egg in my backpack, I bought a bottle of clam juice, put it on my grandma's radiator for two weeks, went to school and intercepted his coffee and filled it with clam juice.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, it's nasty.

[Zach Amico]

And when the librarian saw it, all she saw was me with a white bottle full of a white chunky liquid. And I believe she thought I was pouring all the cum.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Zachary. Zachary got all of the boys to semen into his container.

[Zach Amico]

And then I had a shower that it was clams, which, by the way, I don't need is. I don't know. That would have been worse if she had to prove it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Zachary.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I know what cum tastes like. And I know what your cum tastes like, Zachary.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Why does your cum smell like my pussy?

[Zach Amico]

But, yeah, tomfoolery. He was. He referred to the Civil War as the War of Northern Aggression.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Well, yeah, from a certain point of view. Yes.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah. He was a good teacher, though. I like them.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, it was. They were pretty fucking pissed they weren't getting free labor.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel bad for the. I mean, I feel obviously awful for the guy, but. Yeah, it does sound like maybe. Did they. I want to say they dropped some of the charges. Shannon, did you have any update?

[Shannon]

Hold me one second.

[Tim McLaughlin]

School prank update.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. We didn't really do, like, prank. I got in trouble for stealing a golf cart when I was a kid. And then my friend, there was, like, a giant satellite dish that was. Used to be on the ceiling of the school, but then it was just, like, in the parking lot, and like, 40 kids all met up and put it in the principal's spot. Wow. Which was hilarious.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's pretty good.

[Zach Amico]

That's great. Nobody.

[Tim McLaughlin]

We. I thought that our school prank was fucking gay. They were like, we're gonna get a bunch of bouncy balls and release them in the hallway. They're like, we'll get like, 200. But 200 bouncing balls isn't that many. And then they did it, and everyone was like, oh, this sucks.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, you need, like, 10,000.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I know.

[Zach Amico]

Minimum.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Stupid high schoolers only had enough money for 200.

[Shannon]

Okay. I found it, and this is such a bummer. Yeah, it's really bums me out worse than the whole thing.

[Zach Amico]

Jail for life.

[Shannon]

No. So it says that. So the guy's last name was Hughes. So the Hughes family said that they did not want to prosecute the teens. And Hughes's wife, in a statement shared with the New York Times, said Hughes had a good relationship with the students and wasn't angry about the prank, but rather excited to go and catch them.

[Etiquette Guy]

Oof.

[Shannon]

It's so sad

[Zach Amico]

jumping in front of somebody's car like a deer.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Cheese it.

[Zach Amico]

He starts running full speed at the guitar, headbutting it.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The wife is clearly having sex with one of the students.

[Zach Amico]

Push him in front of the bush.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

No, these are good boys. Especially Brandon. Brandon is the best.

[Zach Amico]

The one with the mustache, the one

[Wolfgang Hunter]

with the strong jaw and the full head of hair. He was my husband's favorite.

[Zach Amico]

I always wanted to. The prank. Everybody always said that. They. It was always like, all my friend that goes to another school. They always said they released chickens and numbered them, but left A number out on purpose so like they would release four chickens, like 1, 2, 4, 5. So that everyone looked for three.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, I gotcha. That's.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

In middle school we had a teacher named Mr. Miller and some of the boys during lunch went on his computer before we came back because he had like, you know, they were going through the projector to like show notes and then it went onto one of his other tabs and pulled up his match.com profile so that when class started he just pulled up and it was just his match.com and just this 38 like 11 year old boys just laughing at this full grown man.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, they printed out one of our math teachers match.com profiles and I want to say his username with something hilarious like easy grader. 1, 2, 3, girthy teacher and just

[Wolfgang Hunter]

can't leave, can't fucking leave work at work with him.

[Zach Amico]

So everyone had it printed out so people would just ask questions from the profile. I don't want to say his name because he's a really nice guy. Mr. Blah blah blah. They would be like, is it true you enjoy erotica?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Well, wolfgang, you're like 10 years younger than me and Zach, right?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Because match.com, when we were in school was like, you were a giant loser if you met someone online. And one of my teachers got married to a guy she met online and we found out and I kept being like, are you like the biggest loser alive? Ms. Blah blah blah. And she started crying and threw all her pens at me and never came back to class.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, there's nothing like breaking a teacher.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, it's the best.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh man, kids are evil.

[Zach Amico]

This is how not ready for technology my school was. We had a computer science class that was literally like make a PowerPoint, like one slide or like, you know, print out a document. But that would be the day's work.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Just please, just please get an A so you can fucking graduate.

[Zach Amico]

It would be a day. It would. The whole day's work would be eight seconds of work. And we figured out to just print 25 of them and everyone signed their name at the top because they all had to be identical anyway. Hey guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our friends at Small Batch Cigar. Simple Fast Small batch. Having cigars in the house is a real fun, easy way to let people know you are a classy individual. And Small Batch Cigar has got you covered because they've got free shipping on every order with almost every order arriving within two to three days in the continental United States. It's the most thorough packaging in the industry. It comes with that Boveda pack. So it's super, super fresh. They have an amazing selection of rare, limited and hard to find cigars. And you earn 5% rewards points instantly with your purchase. So go to smallbatchcigar.com today. And most people click the new section first to shop the newest arrivals. And you can use our discount code, GAS10. GAS10 for 10 off. Plus those 5% rewards points. So check them out today. Smallbatch cigar.com simple, fast, small batch. Let's get back into the show.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That's incredible. I mean, they really predicted work from home jobs with, oh, big time, eight minutes of work and then you're done.

[Zach Amico]

And there was this kid, Sergio, and he would ask that. So that teacher was. He looked like. I know they say it about the Rosen now, but he looked like John Arbuckle. The guy that owns Garfield.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So people would just print pictures of John Arbuckle all day. He'd be like, what the fuck is this? And every day his kid Sergio would ask him to play chess. But no matter what the result of the game was, he would flip the board. And he did it to him every fucking day. And every day the guy would be like, all right, but you're not gonna flip the board again. He's like, no, I'm over that. That's not me anymore. And then just three moves in, he

[Wolfgang Hunter]

would go, ah, there's this white kid, Grant, in our engineering class when I was like a sophomore in high school. And he was one of the first people to get one of those Samsung smartphones that can also double as a universal remote. And so he would turn the Samsung TV on, the class on. He would change it to bet. And our teacher was like, Vietnamese. So he'd just like accuse. He would like round up all the black students and be like, oh, Tony, who's putting, who's putting the bet on? Who the hell's put the bet on the tv? And he would just not suspect any of the white kids because it's like, it's bet.

[Zach Amico]

It's so close to a Southern accent.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Well, he was like a guy. He like, fled Vietnam in the 70s and grew up in Louisiana. So it was literally like that's how he would talk. It's hard to key in on his voice, but it's like Southern Vietnamese was like, going to bike F today. That's.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, I do this as a bit. But in religion class, freshman year of high school, I would ask the teacher, I'd always Be like, there's something happening. There's something happening. You gotta turn on the tv, right? And so I got him. I tricked him once and he turned on Price is right. And then 911 happened and I go, Mr. Doyle, something is happening. You have to turn the television on. And he goes, Mr. McLaughlin, you're not tricking me into turning Price is Right on again, right? And then it was 9 11. So he had to apologize to me. He had to be like, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you. You know, it's just. It didn't give me any reason to. So I missed 9 11.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Nothing better than having a teacher by the balls where like you weren't in trouble. You didn't do anything bad at all.

[Tim McLaughlin]

No.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I made an Indian joke one time, an orchestra, because we had a teacher that taught at a different school and they were doing like a production of Footloose. But it's like at the school all the Indian people go to so they don't have to go to school with like other minorities. So I was like, oh, you guys do a Bollywood version. Very hack, easy, like 15 year old making a joke or whatever. But she thought she didn't know I was Indian. So she just like sent me the principal's office and my mom had to like come into class and like be like, hi, hello.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Be India.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

She had to come and be. She doesn't even have the accent. She's like, I'm from India, mom.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Do the accent.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Put some sink on it. They're going to think you're Puerto Rican.

[Zach Amico]

Mom, real quick, come on, let's hit

[Wolfgang Hunter]

the, hit the, hit the dining

[Zach Amico]

to

[Wolfgang Hunter]

bache

[Zach Amico]

that same teacher, the computer science teacher. I always had a friend, grown up Justin Capone, who's a sociopath.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, cool.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

We always had one of those like friends that was molested into sociopathy.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know what happened to him.

[Tim McLaughlin]

These people gang.

[Zach Amico]

And I know I talked to him the other day because I actually said to him, can I use your name in a story?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And he was like, oh, yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh man, I've never felt remorse in my life, Zach.

[Zach Amico]

He, I. Hold on.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Let me just ask my public defender.

[Zach Amico]

He was a career criminal and he. We were in that computer class. He brought in a wrist rocket. Do you know what that is?

[Tim McLaughlin]

No.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Is it like the mounted, like the forearm mounted slingshot?

[Zach Amico]

It's the forearm mounted slingshot.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, you could like kill a squirrel with it.

[Zach Amico]

And he was shooting nickels at the teacher and that's.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Was this a Jewish teacher.

[Zach Amico]

No, he was not.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

He just catches them all, like, neo.

[Zach Amico]

And the first one missed him and went through the projector screen, like, cut a deep. Like, I mean, sliced right through it. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. You get torque on that.

[Tim McLaughlin]

A nickel will go right into your arm with one of those motherfuckers.

[Zach Amico]

And he shot him in the back with a nickel. And he no sold it. We saw it hit and he. He goes, I have to go to the bathroom. And just walked out. That must have hurt so fucking bad.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

You just hear from the hall, dude,

[Tim McLaughlin]

respect for your teacher. Because that's the kind of shit where you're like, I cannot show these fucking criminals any weakness.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Do not let them see you bleed, Brian.

[Zach Amico]

It had to be just, if I sell this, they win. Yeah, it made a noise, it fucking hit.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

But it's also like, you have to think with the timeline of when you guys were in school, like, they just stopped being allowed to hit kids. Yeah, like, he's just like fucking Clinton.

[Tim McLaughlin]

They literally, like, I think that two years before I was in school, they had banned smoking and hitting at one point at my school, you were allowed to hit and smoke.

[Zach Amico]

That's what people need to major in.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

This is no longer the school of pimping folks.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Dude, that nickel thing I've gotten, my friend ripped a fucking golf ball with, like, a driver right into my back, like, probably 10ft away. And it hurt. I'm telling you, it's one of the worst pains I've ever felt for your teacher to just walk out of there.

[Zach Amico]

Chad, can you bring up videos of how strong restaurants are? I can't express to you.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

There's nothing like it more insane than like a young boy trying to hit something and missing and hitting a worst thing. I think every one of us has a story about something like that. Like when I was on a baseball team, we went to a pizza place for our end of season party and they gave us dough to play with. But we're all like 12 year olds, so we're evil. And everybody's just like chucking dough, trying to throw like four seams at each other. And I throw one and this guy, like, the guy kind of dips it and it just whizzes past his head and hits their entire soda machine. And like the whole soda machine just explodes the restaurant and they kick us out.

[Tim McLaughlin]

See your thing, you weren't trying to do that. My buddy. I was just turned around and my

[Wolfgang Hunter]

buddy did do it on purpose.

[Zach Amico]

Did he yell 4?

[Tim McLaughlin]

He did not yell 4. He also knocked on my door one day, and when I stepped outside, he tased me because he found his sister's taser.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Well, there's my best friend, the other side of it. Some guys just have enough evil surrounding their body that they can, like, will stuff like that into happening.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, I do have that.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, Justin Capone was such a Says. I remember he's got. Getting in an argument with an older kid.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Wait, was his last name Capone?

[Zach Amico]

Justin Capone.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's no good. That's not good to start with.

[Zach Amico]

And he got an argument, a kid. And the kid goes, I'll come to your house and kick your ass or whatever. And Justin Capone goes, I'll blow up your house. And he was serious. He really said it. He went, I'll blow up your house.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I love that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Describe how to do it too. It's like, I'm gonna turn all your gas on. I'm gonna, like, just light a candle in your mom's room.

[Zach Amico]

He was such a sociopath. Shannon, do you have any videos of wrist rockets?

[Shannon]

I'm finding, like, a lot of people killing birds with them.

[Zach Amico]

That's inadvisable.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Justin Capone YouTube channel.

[Shannon]

I don't know. Do you want to see that?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

My friends, Justin Capone and Michael Hitler, they're my best friends. They're kind of from the wrong side of the tracks, but I really. They got good hearts.

[Shannon]

Here's one.

[Zach Amico]

Oof.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Damn. He didn't kill that bird. It flew away, bitch.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, that's mean, dude.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, man. You can't kill stuff you're not gonna eat.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, I think that bird.

[Zach Amico]

Oh.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Just insane. This is like, a guy's whole channel just running to things he can shoot with his, like.

[Shannon]

I think he's gonna kill two birds with that one stone.

[Tim McLaughlin]

You welcome the comedy. What? He's. What is he. Is he in the middle of, like, dropping stuff off for.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, this is your DoorDash.

[Zach Amico]

That' I bet I was killing B.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Bullseye is carrying your. Your Chipotle currently on route.

[Shannon]

I don't know that he's ever getting them.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay, cool. He made that. It looks like.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, that's a dart.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, that's. Now that you got to keep away from your boy Justin. Okay. This guy's good.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Have you guys ever seen that Chinese guy that, like, hides knives in his ponytail?

[Zach Amico]

No.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, yeah. He, like, throws knives. He goes, like. And then he goes. He just does, like, a headbutt, and it launches a final knife, and it, like, will, like. He'll, like, pop.

[Zach Amico]

I have Seen that?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You've seen it in the braid, right?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah. Yeah, right? It's tucked in the braid.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It's like some Baki shit, dude.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It's full Mortal Kombat.

[Zach Amico]

Did you know that the guy that played Random Task in Austin Powers went to jail for murder?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yes.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I thought it was rape, wasn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah. You, like? They, like. And then we retroactively. Yeah, yeah, they, like. They tested his DNA. Years later, he also.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, he has that. The. Doesn't he have the UFC loss? Why they had a ban? Nutshots.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I don't know. I just know that, like, he, like, had, like, a separate thing, like a paternity test or something that they. He had to take. So he submitted his DNA for a separate thing, and they're like, oh, dude, this guy, like, raped a woman 20 years ago.

[Zach Amico]

He just took a DNA test.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That rapist. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I want to say he had the UFC fight that ends via low blows.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He just kept.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Did he, like, explode a guy's nut?

[Zach Amico]

No, it was him, I think, getting hit. Because original UFC, if I remember right, because I watched 1 through 10, original

[Tim McLaughlin]

UFC was no rules, just right.

[Zach Amico]

I watched 1 through 10 because I was in physical therapy for my ankle, and that's how they would psych me up. Let's watch these guys just fucking beat the shit out of each other.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Watch Hoist Gracie.

[Zach Amico]

And I think 1 through 10, it was no eye gouging, no fish hooking was the first one. And other than that, I think it was solid. That's when it was nothing.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, I was watching what's what. Who was it the NFL player that got into the NFL? Everybody. Greg Hardy. Everybody was real excited for him. And then his first fight, he immediately knees a guy in the head while he's on the ground, and they're like, you can't do that, man.

[Zach Amico]

It's got to be hard not to.

[Tim McLaughlin]

In his next fight, he hits an inhaler in between rounds, and Dana White's like, you can't. I don't know what this guy thinks he can do.

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, is. Do we have the video of the. The what? I'm talking the UFC fight via stoppage to crotch to nutshells.

[Shannon]

No, I was. I was trying to look for up the name of the person. I'll just try searching it that way.

[Zach Amico]

He's the guy that played Random Task in the first Austin Powers.

[Shannon]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I remember all my friends went to see Austin Powers two without me, and it's what probably the most betrayed. I've ever felt in my entire life. I was like, oh, everybody talks to each other without me. I see.

[Zach Amico]

I think the most betrayal I felt was watching Austin Powers 3. Especially because it began so good.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, I don't.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The musical number at the top, right?

[Zach Amico]

Well, no. 3 is the fake trailer.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That's right.

[Zach Amico]

And it's. Tom Cruise is Austin Powers. Kevin Spacey is Dr. Evil. Hey. Shadowing Danny DeVita's mini baby. Yeah. I think this is it. Oh, there you go.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yep.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Hadouke.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, it's. It's.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, now that you know that the guy's a rapist, you don't really feel that bad. I mean.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, that's. That's Christ guiding his fist.

[Zach Amico]

And plus punching an Asian guy in the dick. That's like. Yeah, that's called accuracy writing.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah. You're using an aimbot.

[Zach Amico]

That's crazy. I can see why this was not welcomed with open arms when it first came out.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Or open legs, I gotta say.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It's also just so funny, the discrepancy in outfits. Like, one guy is just in a thong.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

And the other guy is, like, in a full gi. Not even gi. He's, like, wearing, like. He's just dressed like a mechanic. He's just wearing, like, an Iron Maiden shirt and, like, sweatpants.

[Zach Amico]

Those original USC's. Yeah. Some guys wore the GI. Some guys just wore, like, street clothes.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah. Were there any guys just, like, in, like, all denim, just, like, dressed like Roadhouse?

[Zach Amico]

There's some funny fight. It's. So that's what. Because my favorite ever is Tank Abbott.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, I love Tank.

[Zach Amico]

And his entire. His fighting style was barb roll.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. He just ran at you and started punching as hard as he could. And he knock a bunch of motherfuckers out. But anyone who was, like, pretty trained at fighting, beat him. Yeah, but he really fucked some people up. He was great.

[Zach Amico]

He was like me in Roast Battle. Like, great run. And then they saw the flaws in the game and the people that were actually good at it just ate him alive.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Dude, I was thinking of Goldmember. I don't remember anything about Goldmember. I went to see it in theaters.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Beyonce was in it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yes, Beyonce was in it. But this woman at the theater, in the beginning, before the thing started, she stood up in our theater. I don't know if I've told this story here. Maybe I have, but it. She stood up in the theater and she goes, my nephew is in this movie. I want everyone to know, when young Austin Powers comes up on screen, that's my nephew. And I stood up and I go, I am also in the movie. And I play Dr.

[Zach Amico]

Evil.

[Tim McLaughlin]

And she was like, no, you don't. I go, yes, I do. I'm Dr.

[Zach Amico]

Evil.

[Tim McLaughlin]

She goes, you're such a. I go, no one gives a. About your nephew, lady.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Now I remember. There was young Austin in that. They met in Secret Agent School.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's right. And I think Scott. Scott Aukerman plays Austin Powers from behind or something.

[Zach Amico]

Yes, he does.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Not a great movie.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Really, really, really reach the apex it, too.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's when he relied more on the rapidity of a bit than, like, actual good joke writing, I think.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Three.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Because wasn't it. What? Smoke in a pancake. Wasn't that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Smoking a pancake.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. That sucked so bad.

[Zach Amico]

I do love. I quote it, like, I like the movie that I don't remember the amount of times I've told my wife, I love gold.

[Pig Head Cook]

Sure.

[Zach Amico]

And she's like, that's a terrible. I was like, no, I love gold. I love gold.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That. They did that bit over and over in the movie.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it was. It was a stinker. Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Michael Caine was in it at some point.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

He was the dad.

[Zach Amico]

Was it. Is it different writers that it sucked or they just ran out of bets?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I think they just. I think they just started coast. I think they were like, if we have Austin Powers in this weekend. Because then his other movies sucked after that, too.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Hey, man. Like, the Love Guru. Don't. Don't you.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, this guy's using his Indianness to try to make. It's good.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

No, dude, that's our Black Panther. Okay.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Doesn't he just. I never even saw it.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It's Jessica Alba, I think, is the love interest.

[Tim McLaughlin]

But doesn't he always say Mariska Hargitay? Isn't that what he's doing?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Maybe. I just remember he, like, there's, like, a thing where he puts his nuts

[Tim McLaughlin]

on the table now that I like.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah. He puts his, like, little nut sack on the table, and that's, like, the only thing I can remember. And he puts, like, a nail in it or something.

[Tim McLaughlin]

What the hell?

[Zach Amico]

Maybe to show that he's Zen or something.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, like, there's an Indian like. Like Indian priests and Zen people, like, are, like, immune to pain. That's where they do, like, the, like, walking on the hot saying. Like Batman cartoons where he goes to India and shit.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I do that too. Yeah, I'm Zen as well.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, that's nice.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I do it. I Prove it to my girlfriend. I'm like, look at me, Micah. I'm zen as hell. That's why nothing you say hurts my feelings ever a lot.

[Zach Amico]

I never just sit and stare at you at night while you sleep comfortably. And I think about all the ways you've wronged me today.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I didn't wake up in a bad mood this morning because you were in the middle of the bed and took up all the goddamn bed. And I almost fell out of the damn bed a lot. And I'm z. I don't think about it.

[Zach Amico]

Perfect. Yep.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The Zen master does not look at the third rail and imagine pushing his girlfriend on it.

[Zach Amico]

Never, not once.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I thought about touching it today. I thought about getting down, licking it, give it a big old lick, see what it tastes like.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I kind of want to throw a coin in it sometime, watch it explode.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Does it do that?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I would imagine is.

[Zach Amico]

It.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Wouldn't it just conduct all the electricity in the metal and then it wouldn't be able to, like, hold it. So just go.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't know.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. I'm not. I'm not entitled. Don't you need to form a circuit with the other rail? Like, isn't that how the guy. Because the guy killed himself in taking a Pelham One Two Three by hitting the third rail. But I think he had to grab

[Tim McLaughlin]

something else, though, to do it, didn't he?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. So that he would be a circuit.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Circuit. Yeah, maybe so, I guess. Yeah. I always just thought it was just electrified.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like we would see more exploding rats then.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, that's true.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah. They walk on it. Yeah. Because they can just walk on it.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That would be kind of awesome, though, though.

[Zach Amico]

I would love that.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Every couple of minutes, a rat would explode. You'd be like, yeah, but City of Dreams.

[Tim McLaughlin]

The subway would smell so much worse than it already smells.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I think they would. I think the people that smell in the subway would run out of their food supply.

[Tim McLaughlin]

This guy was popping off a big old blunt on my. In my car on the way here.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It was.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He had. He was just. And it was full, and I was. I was like, man, I kind of like this. I don't smoke weed, but Micah. It always gets her so mad when people smoke on the train.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I don't mind the weed, but, like, when I was bartending, a certain time after, like, 1am it turns to crack. You'll just be in a subway car and you'll just smell Crack and that. I don't. I don't really as much like the smell of crack, but it smells like burnt tires kind of.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I had a lady smoking crack under my stoop when I lived in Crown Heights, and she'd pop out and she'd go, hey, you got $5? And I'd go, you were just smoking crack down there. She goes, no, I wasn't. I go, well, it smells an awful lot like crack out of here. I gotta tell you,

[Wolfgang Hunter]

a guy blew crack in my face one time and asked for a dollar and I was like, like, well, that's just an incredibly ballsy sales pitch, dude.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, he probably. That's probably worth a dollar.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, it's a dollar of Craig.

[Zach Amico]

A shoddy.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, that's true. A secondhand high.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, dude, you're a fucking cheapskate, bro.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Dude, I'm Indian.

[Zach Amico]

You know what? There you go. As I've learned from Russell Peters specials, Indian people very proud of their cheapness. They take it as a compliment.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Why is Russell Peters been at China?

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Griyadh.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, oh.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Riyadh. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Make big bucks.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Damn.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Let's go.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, morning, Zoo fans. Do you want to eat clean at home? Grab some Green Chef. Green Chef delivers real farm sourced ingredients with over 40 customizable weekly recipes. Every Green Chef box comes with certified organic produce and responsibly sourced proteins and seafood. Me and Mrs. Amigo had a wonderful dinner of scallops the other night, something we have never made at home before, and we loved it. Let Green Chef do the meal planning and grocery shopping while you enjoy low prep, low mess meals. So right now, go to greenchef.com 50zoo and use the code 50zoo. That's five zero z o o to get 50% off your first month. Month. Then 20% off for the next two months, all with free shipping. That's code five zero z o [e-mail] 50zoo Check it out. Let us know what you think. Let them know we sent you and have some delicious meals on us. Thank you so much. And we'll get back into the show now. All right, I got. I. I have been following a Instagram that enrages me, Tim. I can't remember if you did this with us already. The etiquette guy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

No.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, yeah, we've done that. We have done that.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, so it is a English gentleman and he does etiquette courses and he teaches you the proper way to eat things. And I thought we would take some guesses if you want to bring up the first one, Shannon, this is the proper etiquette way to eat cereal.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now, I might know a lot about this, because on my Patreon for Great Hanks, I go through. I've been going through Miss manners starting in 2000, and I'm up to 2002.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, great.

[Tim McLaughlin]

So I am pretty. I know a little bit about etiquette.

[Zach Amico]

What is your guess on cereal?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I think cereal you should eat with the top soup spoon, and you should eat it like. Like you're rowing a boat into.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

You definitely don't want to slurp.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Like. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I think you row it like a boat into your mouth.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

You eat it through your ass.

[Zach Amico]

Part of me says a second utensil.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

To put the cereal on the spoon.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I could see him just, like, being like, all right, so you just want to take a slotted spoon and then place a regular spoon underneath your spoon and separately eat the cereal with the slotted spoon and then take the milk and throw. Throw it. Throw it at a poor person. Throw it right at them.

[Zach Amico]

My guess was gonna be. And I actually want. Have you seen the they're like, I guess, kind of cup bowls thing? But you could put the cereal in one end and the milk in the other, and you control your ratio.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay, I have not seen that.

[Zach Amico]

So you can, like, take a. Take a swig of just dry cereal and then hit a little switch and hit the milk. Or you can have them both hit you at the same time.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Milk chaser.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

All right, so, Shannon, let's see how this gentleman tells us to eat cereal.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, nice. He looks like a cunt.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, he's got a soup bowl, too.

[Shannon]

I don't know why. Hold on. Sorry.

[Zach Amico]

No problem.

[Shannon]

Are you getting sound on your side?

[Tim McLaughlin]

You also, if you want your. If you want your cereal to be crunchy, you need to just pour the milk in until it goes. Just lifts up a little, and then it'll stay crunchy throughout all you're eating. Unless you like it mushy. Then put as much milk as you fucking want in there, you savage fuck.

[Zach Amico]

I go small amounts of milk at a time.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay, what's your cereal of choice?

[Zach Amico]

So I've been on a cereal kick.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, it's incredible.

[Zach Amico]

And I've been getting the bags of cereal, the knockoff bags on Amazon.

[Tim McLaughlin]

This is how, you know Zach's really deep. This is right before you have an intervention for your cereal habit.

[Zach Amico]

And right now is Apple Jacks.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

Prior to that was Captain Crunch. Prior to that, Cookie Crisp.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Prior to that, Golden Grahams all right, Wolfgang. I've been on a kick for like a couple months.

[Tim McLaughlin]

The top of your mouth has to be calloused after all of that.

[Zach Amico]

The Captain Crunch was rough. I've told this many a time when I was a little boy, like three or four years old, I shit neon green. And my mom called the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, what did he eat? And my mom goes, and then tie a box of blueberry cereal. And not that many weeks ago I took a neon green shit went, oh my God. And then I went, you had Captain Crunch, didn't you? It's been 34 years of this problem.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Your wife turns the lights off, you're glowing.

[Zach Amico]

34 years of the same problem.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Are you using again?

[Zach Amico]

Nothing made by shit a worse color than Darth Do Dart.

[Tim McLaughlin]

The Darth Vader, Mountain Dew.

[Zach Amico]

Darth Vader, Mountain Dew, Slurpee.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Okay, I remember 10 years ago in high school, they had like a spooky burger at Burger King and it was turning everybody shit green.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that same dye.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

What? Yeah. What dye is that?

[Zach Amico]

I think it's a purple.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, I thought it was slime purple or a blue.

[Zach Amico]

But yes, I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, cuz they made the bun black.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, they made the bun black. They made like a nasty patty from spongebob.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I don't see the benefit is that

[Tim McLaughlin]

you're gonna diet of having a nasty shit.

[Zach Amico]

Having it of dying a burger.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Well, we'll buy it.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah. Goi slop.

[Shannon]

Yeah, I have it. Zach.

[Zach Amico]

Sorry, Shannon. Let's say it, baby.

[Etiquette Guy]

Instagram your milk of choice. I'm going for semi. And then with a spoon held in your dominant hand and the fork in your non dominant hand. Now, it's not soup, so you don't need to scoop away from. You likely would with soup, but you can use the fork to push some Corned Flakes onto your spoon and eat accordingly.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Corned Flakes. I hate them Corn Flakes.

[Zach Amico]

He knows he's a cunt.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh my God.

[Zach Amico]

He's very aware of how annoying this is to people and he's having a good time with it.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yes.

[Tim McLaughlin]

What a genius.

[Zach Amico]

Because he did one. It was like him walking down the street with a donut. He's like, how to eat as you walk. Do not find a place to sit.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You are not to consume products while walking. The next one we got here is pizza. Oh, there's no way he's a folder.

[Tim McLaughlin]

There's no I, I. He's got to do it with utensils. I'd have to say.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I don't.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

He's gotta. I mean, he's gotta hate Indian people so much.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, who does?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Well, they're like, he's British, so they're already kind of his own, taking over his country. But they're also just. They eat with their hands.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It's probably a nightmare.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now what you. Now what you want to do is on your hands before you start eating

[Wolfgang Hunter]

and you take your foot. Somebody had a sketch online where it was like, the bear in India is like, can I get feet? Can I get feet on the line?

[Zach Amico]

I saw the other day of a guy opening plastic wrap off food he was cooking with his big toenail, and he was using it like the thing you rip Saran Wrap on.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, my toes were like that. Not. But this very morning, before I clipped them very sharp, I turned over my sleep and cut my leg.

[Zach Amico]

All right, so let's. Let's have this guy. I mean, I would assume this is a fork and knife situation for this guy with pizza. There's no way.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Hold on. I'm gonna guess that he has a square piece of pizza. I bet he gets, like a Detroit style piece of pizza.

[Shannon]

I'll tell you in advance. It is round.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay. Oh, it's a full round pizza.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay. Okay, never mind.

[Zach Amico]

I'm gonna say fork and knife and then anything else?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I. I just.

[Zach Amico]

Can you eat the crust? That sounds like a pain in the ass.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

You cut the crust and remove it and you throw it to the. To the pulpas.

[Zach Amico]

You pay. You put. You throw it to the pores.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yes.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now we have gotten a stuffed crust.

[Zach Amico]

All right, Shannon, let's see how this queer eats pizza.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay, so this is like a Napoli's pizza.

[Etiquette Guy]

Do you use your hands or do you use a knife and fork? Well, pizza is actually designed to be eaten with the hands. Clean hands, of course, first.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Thank you.

[Etiquette Guy]

And you can pick.

[Zach Amico]

Get out of here.

[Etiquette Guy]

If, however, it's got a lot of sloppy toppings on, then maybe a knife and fork is permissible. But a more classic pizza is absolutely fine.

[Zach Amico]

Sloppy topping is another video series.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Well, that's what I was about to ask. How does this guy suck a guy's cock? Does he. Does he use a knife and a fork for that?

[Zach Amico]

It's got to be a process.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now what you'd like to do is

[Wolfgang Hunter]

peel back the foreskin. Because this is Europe.

[Tim McLaughlin]

You peel back the foreskin. With two spoons.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

With two spoons and a paring knife

[Tim McLaughlin]

before you press your Lips.

[Zach Amico]

Finally, we have got the tip.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Ice cream. Do not consume ice cream is going to be the same way as soup. You go away and then back in.

[Zach Amico]

For what reason?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Because when you. You don't want to bring soup towards you because it could get on your shirt. So you go away and then back towards you.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The proper way to consume ice cream is you feed it to a house attend and then you consume their blood in the middle of the night while they sleep.

[Tim McLaughlin]

You find a lactose intolerant boy that works for you and you feed him the ice cream and then you dine upon his shit.

[Zach Amico]

What a feast we will have of the sick boys feces. It brings us our power, our strength, our virility.

[Tim McLaughlin]

What's the stuff that they always want?

[Zach Amico]

They call it bush and the Crohn's.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, that's where. That's where.

[Zach Amico]

That's what? Yeah, that's what. Thank you.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's where the most concentrated is. In a servant boy's shit.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, his bossoir.

[Zach Amico]

All right, Shannon, let's see how this. This dink eats ice cream.

[Etiquette Guy]

Ice cream. Well, you can use just a spoon, but it's going to get tricky at the end. And so we're going to use a luncheon fork as well as an extension replacement to our finger cut. Push what from the spoon? How to eat ice.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay. This guy is. He's really making me want to beat the shit out of him.

[Zach Amico]

I think it's troll. A lot of it I think, is trolling because it works every time. I get fucking steamed.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, I think he's a master of the algorithm.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He's incredible. And he also needs hair surgery. What is he doing? He needs to either wear, like, a bowler's cap to look like more of an asshole or get more hair in Turkey. I don't know why.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, like the kind of hat where there should be like, an apple in front of his face in a painting. Yes.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I truly think he's of this ilk and, like, aspires to the generation that would refuse hair transplants.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Maybe.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. There's got to be a reason that. Which is the. Which prince has, like, the worst hair?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

All of them. Like, probably Henry.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, Prince Harry's bald.

[Tim McLaughlin]

No, not Harry.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

This is the older Philip William.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, he's bald.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

And Prince Philip is bald too.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. As a royal watcher, of course.

[Zach Amico]

Can you bring up just his Instagram so we can get an idea?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Have horrible hair jeans.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. What's this guy called? I like him, actually.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Now he reminds me of, like, Sherlock's Holmes brother.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Mycroft.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Mycroft, yeah, he's a Mycroft S Homes guy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, Mycroft is like a. For real, though.

[Zach Amico]

He's definitely trolling. He's having fun.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He looks in this one in the middle, in the F and M1. He looks like. When you. Like that guy from the Alien. From the Alien movie, the Prometheus. Yeah, the white guys that made everybody the engineers. Yeah, he looks like one of the engineers. Engineer.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

He does. Dude, he does look like the engineer

[Etiquette Guy]

might get a work phone call during the holiday.

[Shannon]

Yeah.

[Etiquette Guy]

And I'm. Previously before this might have been inclined to go. No, it can wait a couple of days. I'm on holiday.

[Sperm Racing Announcer]

Please enjoy the holiday and have some downtime.

[Tim McLaughlin]

But, I mean, he's got, like, no soul in his eyes. What does he do at a gay club when he goes to, like, troll?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It looks like he has sketch comedy, too, on the. Oh, yeah, that's the second frame. But he does look like the Prometheus guy. That'd be funny if he did a. How to, like, create a civilization. Like. Well, you take a small suppository, and you find yourself in a body of water and dissolve into tiny pieces of DNA.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Then the black ooze will secrete from

[Wolfgang Hunter]

your mouth, and you'll disperse into eternity and everything.

[Zach Amico]

I think, you know, what's this? The blue sweatshirt deal?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That looks like a yellow Tenga shirt or something.

[Etiquette Guy]

I do not want you and your dirty mitts going into the communal bowl of salted almond almonds if you're sharing them with a friend. Instead, use a little teaspoon to take a small selection, pop it into your own palm, and then eat one by one accordingly.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now, what you should do is take the spoonful of almonds, but then wrap your whole hand around the spoon and pull the.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I think you would. I think you would turn him on the way. Like, you're messy. Like, the way. Like a.

[Zach Amico]

Like a. Oh, he's a fixer upper.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, well, or just like, you know, like the way, like, racist people. Like, I would. I would. I would never have sex with a beautiful black. Like, he's like that for clean cleaning.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Like Sean. Like Sean Penn and.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, he's like Colonel Battle after.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I thought you're gonna say I am Sam.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's me.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, that's you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

And you're. He's lockjaw.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I know how to love.

[Zach Amico]

What else we got today? Hey, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by our great [e-mail], home of the 60 kilo so that's right, stop going to smoke shops, bodegas, or gas stations and getting a little bit of kratom at a time. And you don't even know what's in there when you go to yocratum.com today. They have the best strains, the best customer service, and they're the marquee sponsor of everything we do here at Gas. If you don't use Kratom, don't start on my account. But if you use kratom for one of its many, many benefits, there's only one place in the world, and there's no promo code needed. Why, it's already the best deal in the world to kratom. 60 bucks for a whole kilo delivered right to your gosh darn door. So check them out today, guys. Yo, kratom.com home of the $60 kilo. All right, let's get back into the program. Shannon, you're gonna. You can look away on this one and take your headphones off if you need to. We. We have been ever since I got obsessed with people cooking iguanas.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, from the Florida thing. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Been real into it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

We've been finding species, these iguanas.

[Zach Amico]

We've been finding different cooking videos, and we've got one today. And Shannon, of course, you do not have to watch this.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Are they good? Is. Are. Do they taste good? Do you know?

[Zach Amico]

Everything looks pretty solid.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

All right, I saw a guy.

[Zach Amico]

This is a black woman teaching how to cook pig head.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Okay, that's hog head.

[Pig Head Cook]

So with our friend here, they did do a good job at cleaning him. I just went in and did a deep cleaning. Now I'm going to put him in some hot water and let him boil before we season it. But pig's head, even though I.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Pig cheeks are tasty, it is very

[Pig Head Cook]

common in a lot of traditional dishes. So this should be really good.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't like that she gendered the pig.

[Zach Amico]

Now, my friend John Kramer, he got terminal cancer, so he sent me this pig head because we gonna be capturing different people and telling them they gonna play a game, but the game gonna cost them their life. Because he fuck with them, they fuck with him. When he's trying to get the insurance

[Wolfgang Hunter]

for him coming this summer.

[Zach Amico]

Saint fuck, that's exactly what I was going for. So I be popping out people's closets, be like, ooh, I'm the pig head man. You gonna play a game with my friend John Kramer.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

So somebody came, she kidnapped my niece and my daughter. And I said, I got a special set of skills. This is took him.

[Zach Amico]

This is took it. All right, Shannon, keep it going.

[Pig Head Cook]

He still has teeth. Now, I like my meat crispy, and I don't have the device that pokes multiple holes at once. So we're improvising and this works.

[Zach Amico]

We're gonna just stab the out this pig.

[Pig Head Cook]

Okay, now we're gonna bake him at one.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It's just so crazy because this is like a country thing. But she's in such like a. Is already scrumptious in a mid century modern.

[Pig Head Cook]

All we need to do is add some buggers.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

This is like redneck shit.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Does she not know who Piglet is?

[Zach Amico]

Winnie the Pooh's a bear.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Piglet is his pig friend.

[Zach Amico]

I think that's pretty. What you call Trigger?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I called Zach. You beat me. I was about to say Tigger. What you mean?

[Zach Amico]

Sorry.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Y'. All. Y' all boys crazy. Y' all boys cutting up now.

[Zach Amico]

That was a very bad improv.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Y' all lucky I fuck with you.

[Zach Amico]

He.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, that's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

So many. You could have said Porky. You could have said babe.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I mean, maybe she's a tactical genius and she's engagement baiting.

[Zach Amico]

I. I always think about that. Now if I see somebody cut a banana and there's like a sticker on it still, I'm like, oh, they did that. Because there'd be a million comments.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

My least favorite is the people that cut shit and they'll like, stick their finger in the way the knife and then pull it back. Yeah, Just engagement by people being like, ah, tuck your fingers.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. I get a lot of stuff wrong and I keep it in my videos. And I like, if I'll do, like, captions or whatever, I'll even write it in wrong and not even correct myself so that more people will write stuff. And I'm like, nice. I'm really doing it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah. Just exploiting my own stupidity. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Because later I'll be like, damn, that was so wrong. Better make a clip out of this.

[Zach Amico]

I said something wrong the other day on one of the shows. Like, I just mangled a saying. Something like clear and whatever. I can't remember what it was. But I got everything in the wrong. I mean, I fucking ruined it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

But I just foggy and past danger.

[Zach Amico]

I know. So I just plowed through. And there's a guy that hates me, and he was like, what a fucking idiot. And I'm like, dude, you listen to the show for an hour to find. To get mad at me for tripping over one sentence of the Nine hours a week. I do of this dude.

[Tim McLaughlin]

No better person than a guy that'll watch your whole show, let you get those monetization dollars, and then hate y' all in the comments.

[Zach Amico]

All right, let's see this Winnie the Pooh ass pig. Kitten cooked.

[Pig Head Cook]

Maybe I have some all purpose seasoning, some barbecue rub all that.

[Zach Amico]

White people don't be seasoning they pig heads.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's true.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

No, they.

[Zach Amico]

They don't.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

They put. They be putting raisins and then pig head.

[Pig Head Cook]

So good. And then I have some dry.

[Zach Amico]

Who brought the pig head to the party? Rebecca.

[Pig Head Cook]

This peg leg porker. I mean, it has a literal pig on it. So I'm pretty sure it's going to be good. And then I also have like some garlic and onion.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I'm going to be honest. This lady shops how I shop. I buy barbecue sauce with a black guy on it. And I'm like, this can be bad.

[Zach Amico]

I thought you make. It was. You're going get to cook black portion.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The craziest thing is she's doing this in acrylics. Like those.

[Zach Amico]

Those are ruined.

[Pig Head Cook]

Okay. We ain't going that far. But they was massaging the tongue.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Pause. What you mean massaging the tongue?

[Pig Head Cook]

I'm trying to see, but that's. I want to make sure that every part.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Cow tongue.

[Zach Amico]

This looks like an only fan.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I'm not going to lie. Like I would marry.

[Pig Head Cook]

Going to put him back in the oven.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Pig Head Cook]

She's hot as hell at 350 for five hours.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

And she knows how to make hog right now.

[Zach Amico]

Did he get happier in there?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, he did. She. She gave him a little facelift.

[Zach Amico]

Crispy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

She got a joker review.

[Zach Amico]

All right. I bet that's really good.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, that's probably the best thing you

[Pig Head Cook]

ever tasted after five long hours.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I've seen enough. Sender to Iran.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Wolfgang, you need to be more of a white knight for this lady after Zach and I were kind of racist if you want to get her in there.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

That's what I'm saying. They hate. They hate pork over there. That was the root of the joke.

[Zach Amico]

Okay,

[Pig Head Cook]

Okay.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

So here they pull the teeth. No.

[Pig Head Cook]

Or maybe adventurous today.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Pig Head Cook]

So we're just gonna.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't know why I'm talking back to her.

[Zach Amico]

Huh?

[Pig Head Cook]

Oh, this piece right here, baby.

[Zach Amico]

I want her to serve this at a Blue Lives Matter rally.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

I think she would.

[Zach Amico]

She'd have all of them hitting the

[Wolfgang Hunter]

nae nae and racism would be over.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't know why y' all gave Me, the chief's head.

[Zach Amico]

But she's. She just opens that up on a plane and she starts eating it.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Okay, so we. Are we cooking Derek Chauvin's head today for the. For the cookout Speak.

[Tim McLaughlin]

A little pig for him, Derek.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yes, sir. That shit off the menu? We was practicing.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we're almost done here, guys. Sperm racing World cup set to take place this year. Winner gets $100,000. Shannon, what are the events?

[Shannon]

Okay, so I'm not sure if you remember that we did cover this last year.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Is this a drip race?

[Shannon]

Shannon, I'm going to actually show you because I wasn't sure if you were going to remember Zach, so I'm going to show you the one that actually took place last year and how they, like, present it to the people that come there to watch it. Come there to watch it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

She's on today's act.

[Zach Amico]

You on one today.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Evangelists from 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and here we go.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, okay. Couldn't they do this with sea monkeys?

[Shannon]

We don't see monkeys here.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

I do not remember this.

[Tim McLaughlin]

UCLA versus usc.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, can we gamble on this?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I bet you can on Kalshi.

[Shannon]

And you can also, like, put your hat in the race if you want to compete in it. So this is.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Do I have to come in that hat?

[Shannon]

Yeah, I think so. Yes.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Getting like a day labor scholarship to FSU to use his come. Oh, you need my sparm. You say rapido. Yes. Quick.

[Zach Amico]

You just pull up to a job site. Who has the most kids?

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Kids right now with the ugliest woman.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he's me.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

My name is Jesus.

[Zach Amico]

Hello.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Hey, what's going on, man?

[Zach Amico]

I know. Do they blow me? Sorry. That's my favorite Al Magical joke.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Oh, yeah.

[Shannon]

So I'll show you real quick. So this is the advertisement for this year's. This year's winner gets $100,000. And this is a World cup, this

[Zach Amico]

time racing World cup full of.

[Sperm Racing Announcer]

Set to take place this year with a $100,000 prize for the winner. The sperm racing website says you're allowed to apply as long as you're 18 years or older, free of sexually transmitted diseases, biological samples in compliance with competition regulations, and available to appear in recorded and live competition coverage and content.

[Tim McLaughlin]

So worst way to find out you

[Sperm Racing Announcer]

have an std, you must be born in that country, have at least 25, ancestry from that country, have one or both of your parents be from the country, or you hold residency or citizenship there. The bracket is explained online. The whole competition structure is laid Out. It essentially starts with open applications and then qualifiers head to head. Matches, tournament eliminations, live or recorded events, and then finally the finals event. This World cup, however, is about a lot more than just the cash prize. The sperm racing manifesto on their website says sperm racing isn't just about racing sperm. Although, let's be honest, that's hilarious. It's about turning health into a competition. It's about making male fertility something people actually want to talk about. Track and improve.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Prove, Andrew, what I can. We start a Calcutta based on the countries, get people to. We can auction off the races of who we think has the fastest sperm.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, dude, that would be fun. Bet on. Oh, you could bet on countries.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's what it said.

[Zach Amico]

Now. Now I'm putting it there.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Dude, it looked like it said, like, Europe and Asia and.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah, I go South Asia or Central America.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, I'm saying. I'm saying. I'm saying equator countries.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Mongolian is yelling at me for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe because they have such power over horses.

[Zach Amico]

But I'm going with America. Samoa.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Now that sperm never gets knocked out.

[Zach Amico]

No, you can't. You can. You. Yeah, you can't knock. Yeah, you can't. You can hit a. You can punch one of those comes.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Okay, see, I'm betting on Nick Cannon.

[Etiquette Guy]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now that's wilding out. Yeah. So Africa. What are. What are these slots for? Just that. How many people.

[Zach Amico]

I wish he was fighting, too. Like, I wish there was, like.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, you have to beat the guy

[Zach Amico]

up till he, like. Remember the game Crossfire? Yes, like that. But just two sperms in which whoever's left in the circle at the end.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Who is sperm? Whose sperm is fast enough? Crossfire.

[Zach Amico]

Who's got the toughest comes. Crossfire fire. The board will be real sticky at the end. Crossfire.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, they. You see him clash and then, like,

[Zach Amico]

nut flies off and you just see a bunch of kids getting splashed.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Like, whoa. No, no, no, no. We don't see that.

[Zach Amico]

We don't.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's not what we see.

[Zach Amico]

Gum fire. You'll be caught up in the gum fire.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Did you have that growing up Crossfire? No. Oh, my God.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Now I know the song you're talking about.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It was on every commercial break during the Ninja Turtles.

[Zach Amico]

It was on.

[Tim McLaughlin]

On.

[Zach Amico]

It's essentially just tops.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, it's. It's what they have it now. What's the.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

The Beyblade.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Beyblade, yeah.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

Yeah. That's making. That was what it was on when I was a kid. It's making A comeback, though.

[Zach Amico]

Beyblade is Beyblade.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, thank God I kept mine.

[Zach Amico]

Making a comeback is also one of the events in the sperm. In the sperm Olympics.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

They should do one for like, the amount of mic. Who has the most microplastics in their cup?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, dude, I've gotta win. I would have to win. I. I would take. When I was quitting smoking, when I was working in the warehouse, I would take tape and I would ball it up and just chew it like it was gum. I have to have. I have to be half. Why? Well, because had a good chewiness and I didn't have enough money for actual gum, so I would like.

[Zach Amico]

How destitute were you that you didn't have a gum budget?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I had a gambling problem, my man. I was $50,000 deep.

[Zach Amico]

Gambling. You didn't have a gambling problem. No, I didn't.

[Shannon]

You sound like you should be on my Strange Addiction. This is something we see on that show.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Well, I wasn't in love with it and I only it twice, Shannon.

[Zach Amico]

But

[Tim McLaughlin]

no, I. I don't. I don't do it anymore.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

It never occurred to you to just steal gum?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I'm a good man. I'm not like.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like you could have walked in and been like, guys, I'm chewing tail.

[Wolfgang Hunter]

What do I look like to you? Some guy that turns tigger into the N word?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, come on now.

[Zach Amico]

Question. Did you see bubble tape and think maybe it's going to be the same now?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Zach, who do you think I am?

[Zach Amico]

A guy that chews tape?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Because that's exactly what happened.

[Zach Amico]

All right, guys, that is today's episode. Thank you so much to my Wonderful guest, Tim McLaughlin. Check out the Great Hank Podcast. Please support Wolfgang Hunter and everything that he does. And we will be back this Wednesday here on the old Morning Zoo. Goodbye. To him.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Pop.

[Zach Amico]

Chug it down.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Just like the favorite obese clown.

[Zach Amico]

Grab a coffee and join the crew. It's Akamiko morning too. It's a Miko morning too.