0102. Priya Blunts and Matt Maran

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo – Episode 0102 "Priya Blunts and Matt Maran"
Date: April 5, 2026 | Host: Zac Amico | Guests: Priya Blunts & Matt Maran

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Overview

In this characteristically wild and irreverent episode, Zac Amico welcomes comedian Priya Blunts and roast battler Matt Maran to dissect the week’s weirdest and most grotesque news stories alongside detours into B-movie trivia, pro wrestling, and chaotic riffing. True to its “morning zoo” spirit, the episode veers from gory pool accidents to dark amusement park tales to animal sex trivia, all laced with unfiltered comedy, shocking details, and the kind of gallows humor that defines the show.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Introductions & Plugs (02:17–04:40)

• Special shout-outs to Ron Bennington for shaping modern radio/podcasting style; Zac credits “Ronnie B” as a primary inspiration.
• Priya plugs her upcoming 4/20 show at the opening of Mike Tyson's new Brooklyn dispensary (03:00).
• Matt plugs Comedy Fight Club Sunday shows at Lucky Jack’s and multiple roast battles (03:14).
• Zac mentions his own half-hour special taping in Austin (03:24) and highlights GaS Digital premium content, particularly a noteworthy bonus featuring Paul Amico (his dad) talking welding stories.
  • Notable Quote: “I think I’ve created a podcast star.” (Zac, 04:17)

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2. Bizarre News: Freak Pool Accident (04:40–14:12)

• Shannon (producer) introduces a morbid story: a 3-year-old girl at a Mexican resort gets her intestines sucked out through her anus in a pool drain mishap.
  • The trio riff on the horror (“pink socked to death by a pool filter,” 06:02) and make dark jokes about post-accident life and legal recourse.
  • Chuck Palahniuk’s infamous “Guts” story is referenced as similar (07:10).
• Notable Quote:
  • “She needs a new asshole, guys.” – Priya Blunts (09:56)
  • “You don’t wanna crowdfund your daughter’s asshole.” – Zac Amico (10:02)
• Matt shares stories about colostomy bags and the social awkwardness they bring.
  • “If you have a colostomy bag, that’s a great way to get out of pop quizzes.” (13:31)

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3. Wheelchair-Bound Man Dies on Roller Coaster (15:12–27:07)

• A distressing viral video covers the tragic death of a disabled man with spinal injuries who, due to improper restraints, is killed on a roller coaster.
  • Guests analyze the girlfriend’s post-ride testimony, with gallows humor about thrill-seeking disabilities (“You know, he went out doing what he wanted to do.” – Priya, 23:35).
  • Detailed speculation about theme parks’ accessibility, ride safety, and liability.
  • The show reviews and riffs on POV roller coaster footage and discusses the aftermath.
  • Memorable Moment: Zac and Matt invent (darkly) a trope about dead riders ruining group coaster photos (20:59).

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4. "Murderball," Cornhole Champions, and Handicapped Sports Legends (27:08–36:41)

• The group discusses the documentary "Murderball" about wheelchair rugby athletes.
  • Notable Quote: “If I know Matt Maran, the spirit of America is running through his veins right now.” – Zac (30:32)
• Detour into the case of a quadruple-amputee cornhole champion involved in a killing—debunking rumors about the victim (“He killed a guy, not his girlfriend,” – Shannon, 33:34).
  • The guests admire the athletic prowess and street toughness of handicapped athletes (“Let him have one. He gets one kill,” – Zac, 33:25), but also swap jokes about prison life and cornhole.
• Extended dark bits about prison, defense, and being tough in unconventional circumstances.

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5. Animal Orgasms & Farming Science (44:01–54:56)

• The crew dives into an epic riff on animal sex, including evolutionary trivia about ducks, pigs, and cats (“Ducks rape so much that female ducks have chambered vaginas…” – Zac, 44:35).
• Shannon does online research live on the show to confirm odd facts about pig ejaculations, with a video about collecting pig semen in farm settings.
  • Notable Quote: “That pig sees that fucking carpeted thing and it’s like... a lady’s going to jack me off! Sweet.” – Zac (48:52)
  • Priya observes: “There’s nothing holding the pig down—the pig is there voluntarily.” (48:46)
• Hypothetical questions: Would you rather jerk off a pig for 30 minutes, or “finger a female pig” until orgasm? The crew debates their choices (54:08).

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6. April Fools’ Pranks Gone Wrong & Product Game (38:31–69:16)

Real-Life Pranks:

• Store employee fakes a robbery for April Fools, sending boss into panic and triggering a police response reminiscent of an Artie Lange prank (38:45).
• The show critiques outdated movie scenes—“Animal House,” “Billy Madison,” “American Pie”—for problematic humor and sexual aggression (39:18).

Fake/Real Product Riff Game:

• Shannon quizzes the group on whether oddball products (banana Welch’s snacks, Olipop wipes collab, Raising Cane’s soda, everything bagel cookies, protein pickles, etc.) are real or fake.
• Asides about New York/Jewish drinks (Manhattan Special), diet vs. regular sodas, and breakfast cookies surface.
  • “I could totally see them in a boardroom, just like—how do we sell cookies in the morning?” – Priya (65:23)
• Show ends with Dude Wipes’ (fake) “butt mask” product pitch and a callback to the earlier tragic pool story.

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Notable Quotes — Soundbites & Highlights

• “Girl probably deserves money for life.”—Zac Amico (09:54)
• “She needs a new asshole, guys.”—Priya Blunts (09:56)
• “You don’t want to crowdfund your daughter’s asshole.”—Zac Amico (10:02)
• “The only people I know with colostomy bags are literally, like, 50-year-old men.”—Priya (13:12)
• “He went out doing what he wanted to do.”—Priya (23:35)
• “Let him have one. He gets one kill.”—Zac (33:25)
• “That pig sees that fucking carpeted thing and it’s like—a lady’s going to jack me off! Sweet.”—Zac (48:52)
• “There’s nothing holding the pig down. The pig is there voluntarily.”—Priya (48:46)
• “I want that pig to come.”—Matt Maran (54:41)
• “I could totally see them in a boardroom just like, how do we sell cookies in the morning?”—Priya (65:23)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 02:17 – Guest intros & plugs
• 04:40 – Pool drain accident/intestinal trauma discussion
• 15:12 – Wheelchair roller coaster fatality
• 27:08 – "Murderball" and cornhole killer
• 44:01 – Animal sex facts & pig semen segment
• 38:31, 56:01 – April Fool’s pranks & fake product games
• 65:23 – Boardroom joke about breakfast cookies

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Tone & Style

The entire episode is delivered in an unapologetically dark comedic style—fast riffing, raunchy bits, frank exploration of bodily injury and function, and frequent left-turns into pop culture or animal trivia. The guests and host riff with a mix of genuine fascination, offensiveness, and affectionate irreverence. The banter is quick, sometimes shocking, and always aimed at leaving listeners both appalled and doubled over with laughter.

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Closing

The episode wraps with thanks and calls to action to follow the comedians, see them live, and subscribe for more wild bonus content—plus a reminder that comedy can, and must, push boundaries.

Transcript

[A]

AI this, AI that. I get it. I'm so sick of people telling me to just use AI. But weirdly enough, wix's new AI website builder really works for me. It's called WIX Harmony. And here's the thing. I get to choose how to use AI. I get everything I need to create a website. And I can either have Aria, my AI agent, design things for me, or I can edit things myself. Try it for [e-mail] Harmony fill er up.

[B]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Wake up, it's time to go. Zach Amico's got a show. Animals are here to play jokes against you Start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting, don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch sky Grab a coffee and join the crew It's a Miko whoop whoop on. Well, good morning, good morning, good morning. It is a fine and happy Wednesday here at the Gas Digital Studios. It's your other boy, the international studio superstar Zach Miko saying, welcome to the morning zoo. Before I start today's show, I want to give a special shout out to Ron goddamn Bennington, man, who deserves all the flowers in the world in my opinion. Hard to argue that he may be one of the greatest broadcasters of all time and he's influenced so many of us. And I know a lot of the people that you love that do these podcasts. We learned to broadcast from Ron, from Chris Stanley and Chris Sega on High Society. Both work on the show to tons of us. And I just want to give a big shout out to Ronnie B. I fucking love you, dog. And I have wonderful guest today from Comedy Fight Club. It is our good friend, Matt Marin. How you doing, boss?

[A]

What's up? Good, how you doing?

[B]

Fucking great. It's going to be a wonderful day. And it's going to be a wonderful day because we have another great guest, absolutely hilarious, our great friend Priya Blunts. How you doing?

[C]

I'm good. What's up?

[B]

Is gonna be a fantastic day. Let's get plugs right out of the way. Priya, what do you want people to check out?

[C]

Oh, please keep a lookout for my upcoming 420 show. I'm gonna be posting about it everywhere on my Instagram at Priya Blunts. Please, please, please come for 420. It's the opening of Mike Tyson's new dispensary in Brooklyn.

[B]

Oh, fuck, that's really cool. Yeah, Matt, what do you want people to check out, dog?

[A]

We got Comedy Fight Club. Live shows every Sunday night at Lucky Jacks, 9pm YouTube.com comedy fight club. I have a roast coming up. I'm doing 4-10-@ Grove 34. It's a character roast. I'm in the main event as a construction worker roasting the woman I cat called. And April 14, doing stand up at Gold Sounds Bar. It's a weekly show. It's always a good time there.

[B]

Fantastic. Find me on Instagram. Zach is not funny. Punch up that live Zach Andico for all my dates. Most importantly, May 23rd, doing my half an hour special at the Greek in the Cave in Austin, Texas, 7pm and 9pm Splitting that with the great Tim Butterly should be a really great weekend. We're going to be taping specials Friday, Saturday and Sunday with some of all your favorite comics. And all the gas people people will be down there. There'll be story wars. Big J is going to be at the Mothership. If you're gonna take a vacation for comedy, you can see a lot of fucking great shows that weekend. So come on out. And hey, if you like this show, go to gasdigital.com today and use my promo code, zoo. You get your episodes early ad free and uncensored. You save a few bucks a month. You get your live chat, you get the archives, thousands of hours of all your favorite guest shows, only available there. And you get our Friday bonus episode. We do three of these a week, and if you want all three, you gotta subscribe. And I will say this week's bonus episode, a fucking banger. We've got the Workforce Titan guys on Tubs and Ryan Foster. And the first ever call in from my dad, Paul Amico, to tell stories about welding. And I had my dad on for about 15, 20 minutes and he fucking killed. Yeah, and I think he's got the bug now. He's very excited. I think I've created a podcast there.

[A]

Did he just call it and talk about welding?

[B]

Yep. Nice. I wrote down a bunch of stories to kind of interview. Yeah, but so check that one out. I'm really pumped on it. And thank you so much for tuning in to the show. Also, happy birthday, Louis J. Gomez. Fucking none of us would be here without you, dog. Gotta start with a gross one. I apologize. Okay, before we do this one, I will tell you she lived, okay? So don't feel too bad. Girl 3 Great star has intestines ripped out in freak pool drain accident. Shannon. What the fuck happened to this poor thing?

[D]

Okay, so this family was on vacation in Mexico. They were in a pool, and they were in the shallower end of the pool. They weren't. They weren't watching her. It's nothing that the family did wrong. But the COVID to the drain. And so I'm just going to show you an image just so you can visualize it. So the COVID to this drain came off randomly and sucked the girl into it, and it sucked out a portion of her intestines from her asshole. Yeah.

[C]

It would be pretty hard from the other way.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Zach had to make sure we knew exactly where that came out of. Like, whoa, whoa. To be clear, it was out of her asshole.

[B]

So she got pink socked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To almost to death by a pool filter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Shannon. And they got her to the hospital, and. Okay is probably not the word.

[D]

Yeah, she's living, living, living.

[B]

They got it back. They took a pencil and pushed it back in. Well, eraser side. Don't worry.

[A]

Nothing about the water in Mexico is okay.

[B]

I've heard of Mexican water making you shit.

[D]

So she can't eat. And I don't know if this is gonna be how that's going to be for the rest of her life, but. So she has to, like, have a bag where they, like, you know, give her her nutrients and then take the nutrients back out of her, because there is a section of her intestines that is still missing, but she's like, what

[B]

are they just wading through the water looking for it?

[A]

She got a colada, a baby Ric Flair.

[B]

Oh, no, that's awful. I wanted you. So there's a book which, Shannon, if you read, it's a Chuck. The guy that did Fight Club.

[A]

Chuck Pollinick Palania.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I think I've seen the spelling, but I've never actually learned how to pronounce it.

[B]

And that is one of the stories in it. Yeah. Can you go down to his books? It's one of the first ones.

[A]

Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

[B]

I think it's haunted. Yes. So it's.

[A]

That's the face you make when your intestines get ripped out of your asshole.

[B]

So it's. The book is. It's a writer's retreat, and there's all these different people telling stories from their past to try and, like, inspire them. And one of them is somebody who's a kid who's obsessed with sitting at the bottom of the Jacuzzi and jerking off.

[A]

Like, right by the thing that, like.

[B]

Yeah, the pressure filter sucks his asshole out. But then the. The. The Topper on the story is that he comes the hardest of his life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then his sister gets in the hot tub and gets pregnant.

[C]

Oh,

[A]

hell yeah.

[B]

So this could be worse.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I was going to say, I think one day in the. In the. In the far future, she's going to make a man very happy.

[B]

Go ahead. I don't feel nothing. It's like a Pringles can. Yeah.

[A]

He can never come again unless he's having his intestines ripped out.

[B]

That is God. A three year old getting rosebudded is not good.

[A]

Yeah. No. Not fun.

[B]

Have you heard of that? Gay guys used to. Or I guess it's maybe when it prolapses or whatever they call them blooms or rosebuds and they take pictures of it and it's like a fetish. But this is like a section, right?

[C]

It's a whole bush.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Montezuma really wanted revenge.

[B]

Yeah. Is that. I mean, that's got to be lifelong money, right? It's Mexico though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who do you sue? You sue the resort?

[D]

They're suing the company that like created that drain device. They are based here in the United States. And so the first time they attempt up in Pittsburgh, the first time they attempted to sue them, they just. They dismissed it because they said it. They shouldn't be responsible because it occurred in Mexico. And so like, I guess they made some changes and they're attempting to refile the lawsuit now.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna go. And I'm not always on the side of a lawsuit, a frivolous lawsuit, but I don't think this is frivolous.

[A]

I don't. Yeah, I wouldn't say so.

[B]

Girl probably deserves money for life.

[C]

She needs a new asshole, guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You don't want to go fund me

[C]

that she needs a skin graft for a new asshole.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to crowdfund your daughter's asshole.

[A]

Yeah. Although to be fair, it's one of the more things I'm more likely to donate to. Of all the gofundmes I've seen.

[B]

Yeah, well, they don't send pictures, right? Y. Dude, that is. That is one of the worst things I've ever heard.

[A]

Yeah. Three year old has got a colostomy bag and they're like. And the company's just like. It was in Mexico. You can't sue us.

[B]

Yeah. She just potty trained.

[A]

I know.

[B]

What a. What a what A bait and switch. Yeah. Oh, that's that you learned you first.

[A]

You just started learning how to use your Asshole properly. And then it got ripped out of you.

[B]

Yeah. And that's gonna set her back years in wiping.

[A]

Yes. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Well, she's probably going to have to develop, like, a really good personality, you

[B]

know, she better get funny.

[C]

She might get into stand up, actually.

[B]

Yeah, well, it might be while.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

that. Dude, that's got to be so tougher because they make noise, those bags. I had a. I had a teacher, Mr. Alfano. He announced the beginning of the year. One year. He had a real. He had a very funny Jersey accent. And he goes to address my current health issues. Yes, I do have a colostomy bag currently. And if you hear sounds, they are not funny, I am defecating into my bag. I would prefer if there are no funny comments or laughter or snickers. Well, it is a natural process.

[A]

Just imagine, like, he was the health teacher. Oh, God.

[B]

That also told us you always have to wear a condrome.

[A]

A condrome. That accent just makes me imagine it like a jet sk and be like, hey, watch my bag here.

[B]

I mean, if you have a friend with one every once in a while, you got to slap it.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Like, it's like when you take boxed wine out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you hold it the. Did you guys slap the bag when you guys drank box wine?

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You have to.

[B]

You got to slap the bag.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dude, that's this poor girl. Shout out to this poor girl.

[A]

How long is it going to be A lifetime thing.

[B]

Yeah. Shannon, is there any updates? Do they think they can rebuild her and make it better?

[D]

So what they did so far, they say. They said that all the small bowel is gone.

[B]

It's my favorite Blink 182 song.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All the small bow.

[D]

They brought the colon up and joined the colon to the small bowel. So she's connected, but she has no small bowel. And they're saying that in the future, she may be a candidate for an internal organ transplant. So I guess maybe at some point this will resolve, but it seems like it's going to be a long time.

[B]

I would donate mine in a few years when I'm gone, but I don't think she wants it.

[A]

Yeah, you never think about that when you sign up to be an organ donor. They're going to take your bowel.

[B]

For someone who's asshole, you probably want a fresh one. I've done a lot of that. Yeah. She might be better off, right? With what she's got now in mine.

[A]

Oh, man. Yeah. Having to go through, like, junior high school with the colostomy bag would be a nightmare. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

The only people I know with colostomy bags are literally like. Yeah. 50 year old men.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or 60 older.

[A]

50 is young bag even, I think.

[B]

Oh. And then they stink. Yeah, they. Oh, you got to go change your bag. You got to raise your hand, teacher. I need to go change my bag.

[A]

Yeah, it's a good way to get out of like, pop quizzes.

[B]

Oh. I mean, you never got to do gym.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

There's no way.

[C]

She's probably never getting in a pool again.

[B]

Yeah, I'd say.

[A]

Imagine doing the mile in gym and finishing behind the girl with the colostomy back.

[B]

No contact sports, definitely.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

I mean, she. So she signs up for football. Yeah. Nobody's touching.

[A]

I mean, she'd be a great qb. No one's gonna sack her.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, she is sacked.

[A]

She sacked already. But no, everyone like, yeah, you just get the ball. You get all the time in the world. Everyone's just like kind of standing at a.

[B]

She could run it. Yeah.

[A]

No one's tackling her.

[B]

Holy shit. This poor girl, man. All right.

[A]

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[B]

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[B]

moving on, let's keep the good times coming. Distressing video reveals how wheelchair bound Universal Studios guest was killed by a roller coaster.

[A]

Okay, let's start off light with a story where someone doesn't die. Yeah, they just had their asshole ripped out. Now let's get to.

[B]

Now let's. Now let's watch a. A man in a wheelchair be. Kill. Be killed by leisure.

[A]

Yeah. Yep.

[B]

New video Reveals fatal incident on Epic Universe's Stardust.

[A]

Stardust roller coaster. I don't know if. I know I went to Epic Universe in. In Florida, but I don't know what this roller coaster is.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I need a statement on what happened, if you could recall, if you were able to.

[C]

We went on the ride.

[D]

That's his girlfriend.

[C]

I saw him.

[B]

Was too low.

[C]

He doesn't have any support on his leg.

[B]

They pushed it about three times, maybe four. Who pushed it?

[A]

The ride workers?

[C]

Yes. I tried. I saw him on the first drop. I saw him hit his head. I tried to hold him. I couldn't hold him.

[B]

Another one.

[C]

He hit his dad.

[A]

So he hit.

[C]

So he just went up and hit.

[A]

So the. The seat was loose the whole time.

[C]

It looked like he was tight.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

But it wasn't. Like I said, he doesn't have support on his leg, so he can't just hold support so he can just stay in place.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

That's all I can remember. Cause I lost my glasses halfway up the ride.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

He kept hitting his head.

[B]

I tried to hold him. Pause. At one point, her boyfriend said it to him. And then she had to go, my glasses.

[A]

Also, he's sitting right next to her. Is she that blind? Without the glasses, she can't see him.

[B]

Also, you know, she was also nervous about fitting on the ride.

[A]

Yes. Oh, yeah.

[B]

So there was a point where she was relieved.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It just feels like these people. I mean, just. I. Look, if you don't. Was it that he doesn't have legs or that his legs don't work?

[D]

Shannon, tell me he has a spinal injury, so I just think he didn't have. I'll click away and just show you him real quick. I just think he doesn't have a use of his legs here. This is him in better times.

[C]

Oh, buddy. Oh.

[D]

So, yeah, he's using. He's using his arm. So just.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mario World was all one Mario Kart track for him. Yeah.

[A]

He should have gotten buff like Joe Swanson from Family Guy. He could have held himself on the ride the whole time.

[B]

So here's my friend before we continue. If you have a major spinal injury.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There has to be a sign because they don't let pregnant ladies on epileptic people.

[A]

Yeah. They don't even let short people on.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So they. They beforehand. So all of the workers were cleared of any wrongdoing here because they followed policy to the T. But when they opened the ride back up, it said it included a requirement that any Handicapped people must be able to walk on their own in order to ride the roller coaster. They put that after this incident happened.

[B]

I would say let's keep it going. I want to. I want to see how bad this gets.

[C]

Hit his head anymore.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But he was.

[A]

All right, just take this couple breathes. All right, Deep breaths. All right. I know it's a. I. Hector situation.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Do you know where your. Your wallet is with your license? At least you already got it. All right, never mind.

[B]

It's okay.

[A]

Are you able to do a statement or.

[D]

No.

[A]

Which is just. You write what you have.

[B]

Are you.

[A]

Are you willing to let one of these people.

[B]

Are you willing to write it for her? Man, Spanish ladies won't let go their phone for nothing. Yeah, the catch for that is I think the fire department's waiting for her right now so they can ride in. She can ride in with them. Okay. Yeah. So are we. Are we able to do that at the. Yeah, yeah, we.

[A]

Yeah, I have it on camera. We just do a verbal thing. It's fine.

[B]

Oh, you can fast forward a little information. That's the end.

[A]

Not to.

[B]

That's a bad day at work.

[A]

Not to victim blame or anything, but if I had a major spinal surgery on my wheelchair for life, I. I think I've ridden my last roller coaster.

[B]

Yeah, you don't want a victim blame. He's a thrill seeker. Yeah, but if. Yeah, if you have a major spinal injury, maybe getting jostled just maybe right there. Yeah.

[A]

I've ridden enough roller coasters in my life. If I never ride one again.

[B]

Do we know how he got in the chair?

[D]

It. I don't. It just says it was a different

[B]

roller coaster that's on him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there any more, Shannon?

[D]

I mean, that's really. It. It said that he hit his head once and then he passed out, and at that point, he was kind of flopping all over and hitting his head multiple times, and then until he died

[B]

of blunt force trauma to that.

[D]

It was exactly that. Yeah.

[A]

Is that the medical term, flopping all over?

[D]

Yes,

[B]

It's actually. It's a medical term called wacky waving Inflatable tube man.

[C]

But, like, don't they. Don't they, like, monitor the ride like the. Because don't they have those, like, pictures, like, imagine, like.

[B]

Oh, no, there's a picture at the end of him dead.

[C]

Well, no, they try to do the picture at, like, the drops and stuff.

[A]

It's always at the drop. They get the flopping around on camera.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

But imagine being somebody else on the ride. And you really like the way you look in the picture. You want to get up, but there's a dead guy behind you. I don't think I could buy that. Or someone buys it and doesn't even realize they were just looking at themselves the whole time.

[C]

Holy.

[A]

They posted online and people like, definitely.

[B]

There definitely is the picture.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Picture. There's got to be. Yeah, but don't they, like, keep an eye on those to, like, see if anybody. If anything looks Probably.

[B]

What? Are you gonna stop it?

[A]

I mean, it's going way too fast.

[B]

Probably it's a minute.

[C]

I mean, but, like, you know how there's, like, rounds. Like, sometimes it'll go through the same. I don't know.

[B]

I don't know if there's an I guess emergency break.

[C]

There's gotta be.

[A]

Yeah, but I mean, that's gonna help. Yeah. I don't know if the picture gets, like, developed and sent to them quick enough where they can be like, wait, stop the ride. Someone dead on there.

[B]

Yeah. Fuck. That's a bad day. Because not only is her day ruined, there's a lot of people on that line.

[C]

Yeah, but he was in a wheelchair. He cut to the front.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

You know what? There was. Somebody was like, that motherfucker.

[A]

He fucking skipped the line and then

[C]

ruined it for everybody else.

[B]

Oh, what a bad day.

[D]

Do you want to see a video taken from that roller coaster? Not with him, but just so you can know what the ride is?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Right. Stardust Racer Roller coaster. Epic universe. Right. This makes sense.

[C]

Okay, should we guess the exact moment?

[B]

All right, hon. This is gonna be fun. Uh, oh, Okay. I bet he's still okay.

[A]

He's still all right.

[C]

He's not okay.

[A]

No, my glasses

[C]

and boom, flopping around.

[B]

Oh, yeah. This is not good.

[C]

Yeah, this is not good.

[B]

Oh, man, he looks like he's doing the ymca.

[C]

Yeah, he looks like he's one of those inflatable things outside of a used car dealership.

[B]

Oh, man. He was dead.

[A]

Got him water and woke up.

[B]

I bet that's the longest there's. What is this? A minute and a half, tops, probably. Oh, no.

[D]

A minute 51 is this video.

[B]

Oh, man. This had to be. So this had to feel like an hour for this poor girl. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

You know, a victory parade as your boyfriend is lying next to you unconscious.

[C]

You know, I do commend him because, like, sometimes there's people that, like, they'll be confined to a wheelchair, and they'll be like, ah, wo is me. But, like, he's like, no, I want to go ride roller coaster. He. He went out doing what he wanted to do.

[A]

I mean, there's a middle ground.

[B]

Bashing his head. Bashing his head repeatedly on.

[A]

I mean, outside of the fat. Watching that, if you. If you try not to think about the fact that someone died on this, you're like, it's kind of a fun ride.

[B]

It looks like a great ride.

[A]

It's a great ride.

[B]

But, yeah, I guess there has to be a per. Unless he. It was just physical. If he was. Also had mental problem, like, if he was slow. Yeah. It might be a. Easier sell to say he doesn't have personal responsibility, but if he has a full cognitive ability, there has to be part of him that broke a rule to get on there. Or at least common sense, maybe.

[A]

Yes, I would say common because apparently the ride didn't have that requirement beforehand.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is the thing. Whenever you go to an amusement park, they all try and talk about how handicap accessible they are. And it's like, do you. I mean, I get wanting to be handicap accessible, but some things. I don't know how accessible you really can be.

[B]

I think it's obviously a sad story. The only funny version of this story would be, you know, the fat ladies that go to the parks and show if they can fit in the rides or not.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If one of them popped a screw and flew out, that would be a funny story.

[A]

A funny way for someone to die on a roller coaster.

[C]

But do you think because of those, like, because. Because they have to make the, like, the. The things that they secure you with, like, being bigger, like, they've had to make them, like, slightly looser. He just kind of.

[B]

I'd imagine that they got to keep it because it clicks.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'd imagine they add a click. They don't.

[A]

Because. Yeah, he was flopping around, so it would have probably had to been tighter for him. Yeah.

[B]

I would imagine they. They expand. They don't. But they keep the original click.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Was it one of those that goes. It's obviously not the one that goes over your.

[B]

Yeah, no, I think it would.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's what they said. You have been on nitro at Six Flags Great Adventure because that's the one. It just goes on your lap. There's nothing over. And that one, every single time you hit, like, a hill, it feels like you're about to fly out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is awesome. But I've been on it a bunch of times, and I don't think I've ever Heard of anyone actually flying out, so I think it's safe. But, I mean, he probably would have been fine on that because it would have just held the legs.

[D]

I found. I found some more information on another article.

[B]

Oh, good.

[D]

So it says, according to the sheriff's report, a doctor was waiting to get on. The bride claimed she recalled seeing Kevin's bloodied body as he appeared lifeless, slouched over with his arm hanging over the side. The doctor said that she jumped in to examine him and that his femur was seemingly completely broken in half and resting on the back of his seat. She said, oh, my God. And one investigator said, I guess he wasn't strapped in all the way. An autopsy report said, multi, multiple blunt impact injuries.

[B]

So his leg broke and went backwards?

[D]

That's what it seems like from what this doctor said.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

That's insane. The femur's like the big. Like, from your knee up to your waist. That's like.

[B]

So that means it flopped the other way. Dude. This guy had the mobility of a Jeff Dunham puppet.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Holy shit. So his leg was around him. I think that might be weak legs from not using them. Maybe those might be atrophied legs. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Damn. I just feel. I feel like this is what this couple was doing because they, like, obviously can't have sex all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like their excitement.

[B]

So in Murder Ball, the documentary about paraplegic rugby, they talk about fucking a lot. They talk about the one guy's like, dude, the first you think you learn how to brush your teeth. No, you learn how to jerk off. And then there's this one smooth black guy, and he's like, I got my own modified doggy style. I take a towel and I wrap it around. I use my. I use my upper body strength to bring myself in from the back.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So handicapped people fuck.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Damn. I just watched the gold medal Paralympic hockey game a couple weeks ago. Now, anytime I watch Paralympic hockey, this is all I'm going to be thinking about. This.

[B]

Have you seen Murder Ball?

[A]

No, I haven't seen Murder Ball.

[B]

You would love it. Yeah. Shannon, bring up the trailer for Murder Ball. Fuck it. Have you heard of it?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No.

[B]

So it was produced by Dickhouse the Jackass Guys.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think. Or they were. I know. They did a Jackass special when it premiered.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's all these guys that have been paralyzed and they play rugby, so they're. But they're in these fucking Mad Max ass chairs. Yeah. And they are violent. And the one Guy's like, yeah, what, are we going to break our necks?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, Honestly, the Paralympic hockey is, like, fun to watch. They're like 100.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The official US Hockey Twitter page made a promo for it. They called it seated Rivalry.

[B]

All right, Shannon, show us. I'm just one of these guys. See how cool this is? And it's a great movie.

[A]

When I was 16, I was in a car accident.

[B]

I was out on the back porch,

[A]

and he was trying to pick a fight with me.

[B]

And he picked me up and threw me off the deck.

[A]

And it snapped my spinal cord.

[C]

Why is there not a reality show about this?

[A]

And I spent 13 and a half hours holding onto a branch until somebody found me. It used to be called Murder Ball, but you can't really market murderball to corporate sponsors. We have a reputation of always winning gold. This is ours for the taking, boys. They're gonna be talking all kinds of trash.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[A]

Anytime, big boy.

[B]

We wanted them, we got them. This is. Are you getting jacked up right now? Hell, yeah.

[A]

They're doing the Haka.

[B]

The more pitiful I am, the more the women like me.

[A]

I went and spoke at a rehab hospital, and there's this young guy. We couldn't get him out of the rugby chair. When it was time to leave, he's just like, this is great. I want to go hit stuff. People say some of the dumbest things, like, I'll be loading groceries into my car. And people are like, do you need help in your car? It's like, well, I wouldn't have come to the grocery store if I couldn't get back at my car. Remember Ocean's Eleven? Remember that little Asian guy that gets in that box? I've actually done more in a chair than I did Able Body.

[B]

We're not going for a hug.

[A]

We're going for a little milk.

[B]

If I know Matt Marin, the spirit of America is running through his veins right now.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

You are jacked up right now, right?

[A]

So jacked up. It's a whole different aspect of being in a wheelchair.

[B]

Look at this beast.

[C]

It's kind of hot.

[B]

Oh, yeah. No, that guy. That guy.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Mark Zupan. He was in, I think, Jackass, too. Yeah, they do a bit with him.

[A]

I just want to, like, smash a beer on my head and listen to Limp Bizkit.

[B]

Isn't that fucking.

[A]

Fucking awesome?

[B]

What a trailer. What a fucking idea. Because what happens is the American coach defects to Canada.

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

And they start winning all the matches. So now he's a prick. Yeah, that's the one. You know exactly who it is. The guy that's talking shit the whole time.

[A]

The bald guy screaming and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He's a fucking wicked prick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You get. Fuck it. You feel America in this movie.

[A]

I assume you've probably covered this already, but you heard about the cornhole champion.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There was a paraplegic who's like, cornhole, but quadruple amputee. Quadruple amputee who, like, murdered his girlfriend or his wife.

[B]

Yeah, well, he wasn't. He was like, a regular cornhole champion, right?

[A]

Yeah, I think. Oh, before he became the.

[B]

No, I think he was playing regular cornhole.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, he wasn't in, like, a handicapped league.

[A]

Oh, yeah, no, he was just playing with everyone else. Yeah. And with. He shot his checks.

[C]

What was he throwing the ball with?

[A]

His nubs.

[B]

Nubs. Yeah. Yeah. Well, cornhole's the backyard game with the. The.

[C]

The hole in the.

[A]

The bean bag.

[B]

Yeah, the beanbags.

[A]

And he was able to throw it with his, like.

[B]

But there's. There's footage of him, like, climbing ladders with a gun on his back. He was like a hunter.

[A]

Yeah. There was, like, videos of him, like, shooting just in the backyard. Because everyone first thought is like, well, how'd this guy kill his girlfriend? And then it's like, oh, he knew how to use a gun.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, here we go. 25 years old, out of Charlotte.

[C]

Oh, he's killing it.

[B]

He did.

[C]

This is making me realize I'm not making use of my limbs enough.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I guess he can't get called for having a foot over the line.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dub on the line. Yeah.

[A]

The best thing I saw, someone said Oscar Pistorius kind of walked, so this guy can kind of run.

[B]

I. Dude, this guy's over the line every throw.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nobody wants to say anything.

[C]

Yeah, he'd be really good at that ice lose.

[B]

He wouldn't need a. A thing. They could just send him down.

[A]

Yeah,

[C]

He's fired up.

[B]

Yeah. This guy rules.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I give him. Let him have one.

[A]

He gets one kill.

[B]

Dude, what if. What did she say?

[D]

Yeah, he didn't kill his girlfriend, by the way.

[B]

Who'd he killed?

[D]

Killed a guy.

[B]

Oh, he killed a guy?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Some reason. I thought it was a wishful thinking. Yeah.

[D]

No, the girlfriend has, like, come out and, like, kind of talked about it, but the guy that killed him, he killed. It was. The guy was, like, I guess, a friend or an acquaintance, and he actually. This guy actually did date this amputee's. Girlfriend after he dated her. But this doesn't. I don't know that this has anything to do with that, but yeah, so we shot the guy and then dumped his body. And there were two witnesses in the car that watched him just shoot him in the car.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. For some reason I was with Matt. I thought he killed the chick. So I apologize for the misinformation.

[A]

Wait, he so with no arms and no legs, he not only killed someone, he disposed of the body.

[C]

How did he dig the hole for real?

[B]

That's a great question.

[A]

Maybe that was getting his pet project for months in his backyard. He was digging this hole?

[B]

Yeah. The whole time.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

No, they just said they just dumped. He just dumped the body. He didn't.

[B]

Okay, yeah, he nubbed it out of the car.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He cornholed it.

[B]

Yeah. You know, he threw it into a hole somewhere. It stayed right on the edge. And he had to throw another body to get both of them in. I don't know, man. Maybe he gets one. I want to know the situation. Yeah, I feel like that's extenuating circumstances.

[A]

I mean, if you're also. If you're his friend who. Like, if. If my best friend has no arms and no legs and he breaks up with the girl, I think I'm. Stay away from that girl. I'm good.

[C]

You.

[A]

You had her. Like your friend's girl in general is bad, but your quadriplegic friends. Girl.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

I mean, it says the. Sorry to interrupt you. It says that the argument was over, quote, drugs, guns and. And a woman. And the two people were in the back seat when he did this and he asked them to help him dispose of the body and they just fled and called the cops.

[B]

Yeah, I would say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That has got to be a weird phone call to make.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that this guy has a massive penis. Just. Yeah, you just got to like, just.

[A]

Yeah. What kind of drugs? What was it, Blue Chill?

[B]

I doubt it was a joint. Yeah, that would be difficult.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So this guy was just a pre roll. Yeah, he's not rolling any joints.

[B]

This guy was living a life, though.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

This is a movie.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, as this had to have been an Oscar Pistorius movie, I would say so. Yeah. They got to do something with this guy. Although, I mean, no one ever really heard of him until, like, this murder is the way most people have heard

[B]

of him, which supposedly he's doing okay in prison, too.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, imagine that you're mad Respect. No arms, no legs. You're a cornhole champion. And in order to get on people's radar, you got to shoot someone.

[B]

First of all, you don't want to go to prison being a cornhole champion.

[A]

That too. Yeah.

[B]

Also, you don't want to go to prison being a fleshlight.

[C]

Yes, he is a flesh.

[B]

You don't want to. If fucking you with the ass, all it takes is to grab you by the waistband.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's he gonna. I mean, I guess he could fight. I bet he's tough as shit.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I bet he nubs you right in the balls.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I bet he's me. I bet he bites. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I bet he's tough as fuck. That's a fucking story. There's gotta be a docker. I mean, I would. Some actor has to fucking take the hit. And fucking Brad Williams. Oh, yeah. I guess he's you. CGI out there.

[C]

Make Timothee Chalamet do it. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Make somebody really learn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

All right, Marty. Supremely handicapped.

[B]

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[D]

Okay, so let me see. I can actually. I can just show you that. Just an Instagram that I found. So one was an employee pranked her boss, saying someone was robbing the store at gunpoint. But before she could reveal the truth, her boss had called the police and four cop cars had arrived.

[B]

That happened to Artie back in the day from Stern.

[A]

Really?

[B]

He was trying to flirt with a bank teller.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he had just seen. I think it's Take the Money and Run. It's a Woody Allen movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And in the movie, he writes a fake heist note, and he's like, I'm just kidding. I want your phone number. And he did it to the girl, and she looked at it and immediately hit the button.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And him and his chick wound up getting arrested for attempted bank robbery.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

In the movie, what happens.

[B]

I can't remember because that we were

[A]

talking before we came on air about these, like, old movies that just don't age well. Like, the Billy Madison passed out. That thing is. In all those movies, the girl kind of likes it in the movie. Like the. The girl in the sandlot. The lifeguard. After, kind of looks at him in waves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He just sexually assaulted her. Like, every terrible message one. They just showing it and then also being like. And the girl secretly kind of okay with it.

[B]

Like a big swing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The. The. I mean, Animal House is a great movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When the teenage girl passes out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Her. The tissues fall out of her bra. You realize she's a child. And he still has a straight up angel and devil on his shoulder situation. Yeah. On whether or not he should fuck her. Passed out. Yeah. And it's a conversation. It's not a. Like, of course I shouldn't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When the living is like, her tits squeeze your tits. It's her fault.

[A]

In American Pie, the first one, Stifler like, roofy's a girl. And that was like, not even seen as.

[B]

Does he roof your girl?

[A]

I. Or someone whoopies the girl at the party. I think Stifler does.

[B]

I don't think there's a Roofy and American Pie.

[A]

And then the first one at the party scene.

[B]

There's no. Somebody comes in Stifler's beer.

[A]

Okay. I thought there was a roofy scene.

[B]

I don't think there's roofies in it.

[A]

Okay. I just. I remember there.

[B]

The only thing in a drink is. So is the one that gets a blowjob. And he comes in the beer and chugs it.

[A]

Maybe I'm remembering a different movie.

[B]

There used to be a lot more drinking cum jokes.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Back in the. If you. Van Wilder, when they jerk off the bulldog into all the Cannolis. And then everyone's just pouring cum in their mouth.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's the only thing they kept from Bert Kreischer's life when they made that into the movie, by the way, there

[A]

was one of the straight to DVD American Pies. There's like, a frat wine, and there's a scene where they all, like, in order to get in the frat, you have to go into a barnhouse and fuck a goat. And they all go in. Everyone just comes in the condom and comes out and brags about it. But there was one guy who got kicked out because he actually fucked the goat. And they go in and they're like, oh, my God, you're not supposed to actually fuck the goat. Yeah. Movies used to be great.

[B]

Devil's advocate. Yeah. If you're gonna fuck a goat, why wear a condom?

[A]

I mean, the. I think the idea is that they just all pretend to fuck the goat.

[B]

I'm just saying. I would call shenanigans.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You think my friends were gonna fuck an animal?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wouldn't be the first time. And also didn't use condoms.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But if ever. I mean. I mean, don't. If you're that desperate, you at least want it for hot and warm. You're not gonna put a condom on. Yeah. It's not like you can get it pregnant. I guess you get goat herpes.

[A]

The kind of person who's gonna fuck a goat isn't gonna be like, wait, I should do this responsibly.

[B]

But enough about Priya's cousins.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I was gonna say. Was that American Indian pie?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

American life of pie.

[B]

There are so many. Efuck used to have a. And it would be videos. You would just see a guy humping, like, over a fence, and then his friends would put the camera up and it would be livestock. Yeah. They would all giggle like. Nobody would be like, ew, dude.

[A]

Yeah. There was like, a vice.

[C]

If you're going to. If you're going to force your dick into something, let it be a goat. Yeah, let it be a goat.

[B]

Norton in one of his specials has a joke that's like. I think it should be judged based on the size of the animal.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a chicken. You're hurting it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A cow. The cows probably like, what are you doing back there?

[A]

Yeah, I think there was, like, a vice documentary. They were like, in Colombia or something. They talk to people who, like, fuck their goats and. And I think there was, like, some comment that was. It was like, hey, if these people are like, incels and desperate. It's like kind of like when you're better to fuck goat than like rape someone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rape a huge. I guess you are raping the goat. I don't know if the goat can consent or not, but I guess better to rape a goat than a girl.

[B]

Yeah, I would say.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or a baby.

[A]

Or a baby.

[B]

Yeah. That would. Well, unless you're trying to cure the vades.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I think I read something somewhere. This could be me a hundred percent making something up. That sheep is the closest in texture to human pussy.

[C]

I would have thought it was pig pussy because you know how they say pigs are very anatomically close to humans.

[B]

Yeah. But don't pigs have corkscrew decks?

[A]

No, I think that's duck. Oh, pigs do also. Yeah, ducks. Yeah, I know. Apparently ducks have quirks through dicks. And this is also something I feel like I've heard, but could be making up.

[C]

And then cats have those vaginas that

[B]

have cat penises have barbs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that a. They can't pull away and be. It cuts the vagina and induces ovulation. Yeah.

[A]

I think it was that a duck's vagina is like a corkscrew shape to like evolutionary fight against rape. So ducks, male ducks, dicks evolution change to be corkscrews. So they can still rape.

[B]

I got. I got this. I've done the research on this because I did do a movie with duck rape in it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Female ducks. So ducks rape so much. The Puerto Ricans of the bird community.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ducks rape so much that the females have chambered vaginas and they can basically open and close which chamber they want the dick to go in. Because some of the chambers lead to the ovaries and some are like a dead end in a haunted house, like H.H. holmes House, where you just open a door to be a brick wall and so that if she is mounted by a duck that she does not see fit to be the father of her ducklings. She can put him in the. The. No, no, don't get me pregnant chamber. Which sounds great, by the way.

[C]

That's amazing. In theory. Amazing.

[B]

But I think. And also, don't pig orgasms last like a half an hour? Look up how long a pig orgasm is. If not. I'll show you. Didn't know we were going to get here today. A domestic pig's orgasm is commonly sized, lasting the average of 30 minutes. With reports testing they can last up to 90 minutes in some cases. This duration is also mentioned as the longest among mammals. The high Volume of semen produced by boars is a factor in this lengthy process.

[C]

I need to know about the volume of semen right now.

[B]

They turn it up to 11, 30 minutes of semen.

[A]

Is that a male pig's orgas. Do female pig orgasms not exist also?

[B]

In my experience, no. It's a myth.

[A]

Yeah. A female pig orgasm is a myth. Oh, man. A male pig just can't stop coming for 30 minutes.

[B]

I'm done after 30 minutes. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna cut. Never mind.

[A]

30 minutes later. That's all, folks.

[B]

A mature bore ejaculates a large volume of semen, usually ranging from 200 to 300 milliliters, but it can vary between 100 milliliters and 1200 milliliters, depending on age, breed, and frequency of collection. The ejaculate is produced at high volumes, often lasting for several minutes. Shannon YouTube this.

[C]

This is 355 milliliters, so it could

[B]

be four of those. Insane. That's a lot. But that might be what that is. If you told me that was pig cum and there was no label on it, I wouldn't be able to say.

[C]

I mean, that is true. It is creamy.

[B]

Yeah. Chad, is there video of a pig coming? Like, not like an eternal. I'm not asking for, like, the.

[A]

Zach's phone.

[B]

I'm not asking for, like, a porn. Like, is there just a pig on top of another pig?

[D]

I have a semen collection of a pig.

[B]

A hundred percent.

[D]

It's going to come in a couple seconds from here. Huh?

[C]

They got two prostates.

[B]

What's going on?

[E]

After this process is complete, this is when the technician will remove their outer glove and only have their clean glove for collecting semen.

[A]

Imagine being a struggling actor and this is the gig.

[E]

You get to remove the outer glove that has been used to clean the prefusal fluid. This will pause the technician to use a clean glove.

[B]

This lady just has to look and go. It's a living.

[C]

So as a girl, after, you know, there's always that if somebody comes and you. There's that moment where afterwards you kind of do just. You, like, push it out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

If he's coming for 30 minutes, she's pushing for an hour. Like, she's.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. That's a lot, dude. That's. Well, no, I guess pigs, I guess you're just taking the load

[E]

directly contact the penis. Hold the penis perpendicular to the. When it is. This will help. If there is any remaining prefusional fluid in the prepuce. It could run down the length of the penis and end up in the collection. Collection device. If the penis is perpendicular to the boar's body, then the fluid will not enter the collection mug.

[B]

Pause.

[C]

I just love.

[B]

I bet it's real easy to get this pig to go into this room.

[C]

I was gonna say there's nothing holding this pig down. The pig is there voluntarily. There's nothing holding this pig down.

[B]

Like if you think your dog goes nuts when you. When it hears walk or you have to like spell cookie around your kid. This pig is. That pig sees that fucking carpeted thing and it's like. Like a lady's going to jack me off. Sweet.

[A]

How do you make a wild boar not so wild anymore?

[C]

You think on the pig's birthday she goes, glove off.

[B]

Don't tell your friends. Keep it going.

[E]

Look at the grip of the gloved hand with the penis. Here I am using an AI catheter to mimic the boar's penis. In an ideal situation, the tip of the penis would extend slightly beyond the collection technician's gloved hand to avoid semen from coming in contact with the glove itself. This is seen in the picture here on the right. However, in practice, sometimes this cannot be avoided.

[A]

But let's remember some pigs got tiny dicks.

[E]

And the gel fraction can serve as sources of bacterial contamination to the semen sample. If the tip of the penis is resting inside the palm of the collection technician's hand, like the picture on the

[B]

left, you can shame the pig in front of his friends.

[E]

Pass over the same surface as the bacterial contaminated pre sperm fluid did. As the bore begins to ejaculate, ensure that that pre sperm fraction is not directed into the collection device. The sperm rich fraction and ejaculated fluids following it should be collected in the collection device.

[B]

Is it going to the cheesecloth gel

[E]

fraction as well, which typically passes out.

[A]

That's got to be the worst way to get water boarded.

[E]

Once the borer has completed the ejaculation, the gel fraction and filter should be quickly disposed of. While the technician is still in the barn, the semen sample should be sealed and placed into the warming cabinet.

[B]

Holy.

[C]

Well, that's a prize pig.

[B]

That's a lot of. That's a lot of pig comb.

[C]

A lot of come that.

[A]

But also not like over a half hour. That's gotta almost be like.

[B]

Like a Mr. Coffee.

[A]

Yeah, like that doesn't. It does. Yeah, it does seem. It's like coming out probably slowly for 30 minutes.

[C]

It's a keurig yeah.

[B]

At what point in your life did you make a right? When you were supposed to make a left. Yeah. When you're the lady that collects the pig comb. Like, did you grow up? And you're like, you know, I love animals, but I'm gonna be a vet.

[A]

It's part of it.

[B]

And then, like, you got caught doing something and they're like, yeah, we got limited jobs. It's like how somebody becomes a construction worker. Cause they have weed charges.

[A]

Or I wonder, the woman who's narrating the whole thing too, how does she get to the point where she's like, does she try to be a newscaster?

[B]

Or like, what sucks is the lady that read for that and didn't get it. Yeah, honey, honey, I got a call back for the pig cum duck.

[A]

The audition room for people reading for the pig gum talk.

[B]

Just a bunch of ladies sitting with the paper going, and then you masturbate the corkscrew penis of the pig. And I, oh, my God, you're so good. You're gonna get it.

[A]

And there's just one really weird looking dude who wants it really bad.

[C]

Part of me wants to believe it was a porn star that was famous for hand jobs that just transitioned into this.

[B]

Or a fluffer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I feel like the fluffer's job is to keep. Well, the fluffers that keep you hard. Because that's. Talk about a job. Like, that's gotta be like the worst internship. When you're the guy. When you're the girl that has to blow or slowly jerk off the guy in between takes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because, you know, every once in a while a guy is like, oh, hold on. Sorry. And because you can't be too good at your job.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to be real. You gotta be a technician.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, but where. Where do you. Shannon, how much would it cost in dollars for you to do that once? I'm talking about me.

[D]

I was gonna ask. Can I pick the person.

[B]

No. A pig.

[D]

Oh, this?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, I thought you were talking about a porn.

[B]

Porn. To jerk off and collect the cum

[D]

of a pig for like a half an hour.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

$5,000.

[B]

Get the fuck out of here. We could raise that in a week.

[D]

I'm very poor. I really need money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm trying to go to the lowest for a half hour of work. I got a glove on. I could, like, listen. Put some headphones on. Listen to a pot. Listen to Zach Amico's morning zoo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Listen to a podcast. Just kind of do this over here for 30 minutes.

[B]

I bet your arm gets tired. I mean, from experience,

[A]

probably, but I feel like of all the things you have to deal with there, my arm being tired is probably the one I can handle the best.

[B]

All right, here's. Here's a proposition. What would you. You rather have to do?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Jerk off a pig to completion.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or finger a female pig until you know she's had an orgasm. Because I feel like guy pig. At least I got an idea. Yeah. Girl pig. I don't know what I'm looking for. Yeah, I'm gonna have to do angles. I'm gonna have. That's gonna be a lot. My hand's gonna cramp up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking I would.

[B]

It's gonna stink also, if the.

[C]

The penis is like this or the vaginas like this too.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You're gonna get carpal tunnel.

[A]

Yeah, I agree with you. But I also don't want to be gay, so I think I gotta pick the female pig.

[C]

I'll go corkscrew penis.

[A]

I think I would jerk off the pig.

[B]

I think. Shannon, Jorge, your thoughts?

[D]

I would also pick the boy pig.

[B]

Jorge, around the horn.

[A]

Yeah, I want the. I want that pig to

[B]

clip that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want that on the soundboard next week.

[A]

Unless we find out, like, it's actually really easy to make a female pig orgasm and we all just chose to jerk off a pig for 30 minutes when it could have been like a two minute process.

[B]

In my experience, it depends on how comfortable they are with themselves.

[A]

Right? Yes. Yeah, that's true.

[B]

If they're real used to you and you've been together a while, you figure it out.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So would you either jerk off a male pig for 30 minutes or build a life with a female pig and Bill gained her trust.

[B]

Oh, it would feel like restarting. Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. That's because you've seen the guys that like collect horse and it's like a sleeve, but you gotta jerk off the horse like you're jerking off. But that's.

[C]

You need two hands for that shit.

[B]

Well, it seems. Well, no, they make like almost like giant pocket vaginas and they have a balloon at the end.

[A]

That's what they're gonna use the cornhole guy for.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

That's his work leave.

[B]

10 years of hard labor.

[A]

That's his work leave from J. He's used to jerk off horses.

[B]

That motherfucker would be sitting, fucking laying on his belly, doing it with his leg nubs, reading a book. He knows his business.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. One or two more things before we're out of here. Shannon, you did the work on this, so let's do it. Real or fake April Fool's products.

[D]

Okay, full disclosure, I didn't do the work on it. I just saw. I found an article, but I thought it would be fun.

[B]

Wait, Shannon, hold on.

[C]

On.

[B]

I'm done. Okay.

[D]

Is that towards me?

[B]

No, no, no. That was me coming.

[A]

We spent 10 minutes talking about pig come. We're like, wait, I have a sound drop for it.

[B]

Oh yeah. Wait, I have a pig coming.

[D]

Okay, so hold on. Don't cherry.

[B]

Shannon, I would never ever play that and insinuate that you're a pig.

[A]

That.

[B]

That is not. That is not my business here on this program.

[D]

I appreciate it. It. Okay, so here, let me just see which is a fun one. Okay, here's one. So this is a Welch's fruit snacks in banana.

[B]

I'm gonna go no, because I feel like there would be a picture of the snack on it. Not just loose banana.

[C]

Why's the banana got.

[B]

Absolutely. He's a sexy banana. He's Cuban.

[A]

Don't you know if you eat sugary snacks, you get great abs.

[B]

And I'm also going to say no because it says drama is our main ingredient.

[A]

Yeah, I would say no, but that's the type of thing. Like I could see a banana flavored fruit snack. So it almost like I feel like it's type of thing that seems so realistic you wouldn't even think it's a prank. But yeah, I. That. That drama.

[B]

Yeah. I'm going to go no because I feel like there would be a picture of the banana shaped fruit snack on the COVID as opposed to loose slices of banana which are not appealing to look at. Yeah, appealing. You get it?

[A]

Yeah, There you go.

[D]

So it is fake monkey humor. Here's a couple other ones. It is fake. Here's a couple other ones they did.

[C]

Is that Nick Cannon?

[B]

No, he was the banana one.

[A]

Yeah. What was Nick Cannon? What was Nick Cannon just do? He was like trending for something recently.

[B]

No clue.

[A]

I think he. He said something. I don't know.

[B]

Okay, Razlina, this is a play on

[A]

the fruit love island that's been going around social media.

[B]

Ah, okay. Okay. All right, what else we got Shannon in.

[D]

So these are combining this flavor of soda, peaches and cream with wipes. Oh, body wipes. Peaches and cream is the flavor and they're. They're promoting it as peachy clean wipes.

[B]

I'm going to go no, cuz Olipop is Isn't that like the probiotic soda?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they do. Like, there's like, Olipop root beer.

[D]

It's a high fiber, functional soda.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they're good.

[C]

Given their ethos, I could see how they want to support your tract from the start to the end.

[B]

I feel like it would be a wipes brand, not a soda brand moving into wipes. Yeah, I could see a wipes brand moving into flavors before I see a soda brand moving into asshole wipes.

[D]

So they're also. It's. They're combining with the company. Good Wipes.

[B]

Oh, bring back up.

[D]

Oh, I didn't see. You took it down a collab between

[A]

good wipes and Ollipop.

[C]

I think this is real.

[B]

You know what? I'm gonna go fake, but I'd like to find out.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's real. I could see that being real.

[D]

It is not real.

[C]

Damn it.

[D]

This is Raising Cane teaming up with Coca Cola for a Cane's sauce Coke.

[B]

No, I should.

[A]

I should have gone with Zach on if anyone in this room is an expert on wipes and soda.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, no, that's enough. That's. That's definitely.

[A]

Is a Raising Cane soda.

[B]

Yeah, no, yeah, there's. That. That's absolutely not.

[A]

There are, like, fast food or restaurant brands that do like their own sodas. Right. I feel like I've heard of that before.

[B]

Well, I be Mountain Dew, Baja Blast.

[A]

Yeah. For.

[B]

Specifically for Taco Bell, Buffalo has a loganberry soda that's exclusive to a lot of Buffalo restaurants.

[A]

Have you tried? I just tried for the first time. The what's. There's a new Mountain Dew like Dirty Mountain Dew.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

They'd put like a vanilla cream in it. It's pretty good.

[B]

Pretty solid. Yeah, Yeah. I just tried Dr. Pepper Cream.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've become a zero sugar boy with my soda.

[A]

Me, I pretty much always am.

[B]

I Amazon them.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So that I don't. I don't. I don't buy shitty soda.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just tried the Zero Sugar Dr. Pepper Cream soda Collab. Yeah. Pretty good.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's. I grew up. My family always drank like diet soda when I was a kid. So when I got older and had non diet, so I was like, this is good too. But I don't have the kind of.

[B]

Too sweet a little bit. I grew up. My family always had diet soda too.

[A]

Yeah. So now, like, I can still drink, like regular soda, but a lot of people have, like, if they go to diet, it's such a, like, downgrade for me. Not at all.

[B]

So, yeah, I feel like I don't really like a regular Coke. Yeah. It's like, I'll do a cane sugar. A Mexican Coke is really good.

[A]

There is something about, like going to a pizzeria and getting just a regular can of Pepsi.

[B]

Oh, for me, it's like a Dr. Brown's.

[A]

Oh, I'm. Whenever I go to Katz's, the Dr. Brown's. Black cherry.

[B]

Yeah, those are the. A glass bottle is a treat.

[C]

I'm not gonna lie. I had a full sugar Pepsi the other day and I had like, palpitations and sweats. I was like, I can drink a bottle of tequila and be fine, but this full sugar pe.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. Something about. I think maybe because I just grew up watching Britney Spears commercials. I'm like, yeah, I want a Pepsi.

[B]

I want a black friend. Yeah.

[A]

I want to. I'm very susceptible to any ad campaign.

[B]

100%.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Say I'll see an ad for something and it's in my mind for days. I am a moral. I am. Who is being advertised to.

[A]

Absolutely. If I like. If I need car insurance, my first thought is, well, the Gecko. I gotta get Geico.

[B]

I will highly recommend. I had one sort. I did not care for one. I really did. I had the Fruity Pebbles. Liquid Death.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which tastes like you put seltzer into a cup.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That used to have cereal milk in it. Yeah. And it just doesn't really do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the I believe it's mug has a root beer float. Zero sugar.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's kind of like. It tastes really good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Honestly, it's a bag.

[A]

Any kind of sugary drink, I generally will like. I have a sweet tooth. Last year, for my birthday, a bunch of me and my friends went to Red Lobster and they have the margarita flights where it's just three different. It's just sugar in a glass.

[B]

My wife did that in Outback too. Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like, this is great. I loved it.

[B]

Oh, what did I. Oh, I had something else that was a fucking banger. I can't remember now. All right. Moving out. Shannon.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So this is from. You share it. It's from Crumble. And it's a Everything bagel. Cookies from Crumble.

[B]

I would say that could work. I don't know if it's real, but I want it to be. Yeah.

[C]

Cookies for breakfast.

[A]

Cookies. Oh, Reese's.

[B]

I know what I was gonna say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you're. Because you just said Katz's. Yes. If you're doing good. Judelli breakfast.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A Manhattan special.

[A]

What's a Manhattan special?

[B]

It's like a coffee soda. Soda.

[A]

Oh, okay. I have not tried that before.

[B]

Shannon, you're New York trash.

[C]

And the club soda and the coffee.

[B]

No, Shannon, you know what I'm talking about, right?

[D]

I'm. I'm not like a. I don't like, drink. Fun drinks.

[B]

Shannon, could you just Google Manhattan special? Soda.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, we. We got a lot of New York. Me and. Me and Priya are Queen's trash. Hell, yeah.

[C]

Let's go.

[B]

Yeah, there's a place called Shelski's in Brooklyn that's like, old school Giudeli.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they do a Szechuan peppercorn bagel. Bagel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I do. Yeah. So, yeah, that's a Manhattan special. It's an espresso coffee soda. That's a banger. That's a real good Judelli treat. Yeah. All right, Shannon, tell us about the everything bagel cookie.

[D]

So everyone put their guesses in.

[B]

What do you guys say?

[A]

I'd say yes. We haven't had a real one yet, and this, I think, seems the most feasible so far. Did we find out the raising cane soda was real? No. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So the. These cookies are real?

[B]

Yeah, both.

[D]

Both the cookie sides are like a thin, buttery cookie and then a light cream cheese filling. The ever. It's. It's in its almost everything bagel seasoning, so it just doesn't have the onion and the garlic.

[B]

That sounds awesome.

[A]

Yeah, that does sound pretty good.

[C]

Sweet and salty.

[B]

Yeah, that sounds good. In the neighborhood.

[A]

Yeah, they're coming out with, like, a bunch of things that are, like, healthy snacks that don't like.

[B]

Oh, I bet they're not crumbles.

[C]

Just call that a healthy snack.

[A]

Not crumbles, but I mean, mean, in general. These, like, weird combinations. I've had these, like, protein pretzel snacks. And, like, they're just combining things and then trying to tell you also, there's very low sugar. And I don't.

[B]

I saw a thing the other day that was what has more calories? A crumble cookie or this. And one of them was, like, a Big Mac meal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like, crumble cookies. Works for you.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

The big ones. Yeah, those. Those will. Yeah.

[C]

I could totally see them in a boardroom just like, how do we sell cookies in the morning?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How do we sell them in the morning?

[B]

Yeah, we need morning cookies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shannon. We have one or two more.

[D]

Yeah. So speaking of protein. Protein pickles from Clawson Yeah, I can see that one.

[A]

I mean, they're doing everything with protein.

[C]

Everything. Protein.

[A]

Yeah. I've. They have like the Starbucks protein lattes now. Yeah, I. Anything that they're putting protein in, I believe is probably.

[B]

Duncan has protein coffees now. I'm going 100%. That one's sounds.

[C]

I don't know about the pickles, though. I'm going to say that one's fake.

[B]

Yeah, I'm going to go. I. I bet it is. Shannon.

[D]

That one is fake. It's not real. Cuz how would the protein actually get into the pickle?

[B]

That's a good point.

[A]

How do they put it in coffee?

[B]

It's true, Shannon.

[D]

We got protein. Is there protein coffee or lattes?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, that try. That's. That'd be a Jack.

[B]

Duncan. I think Duncan has a banana protein thing. Yeah.

[D]

Let's do this one. Maybe you could share it. This is pink goldfish.

[A]

Mmm.

[B]

Is there an official flavor or Pink.

[A]

This is October for breast cancer awareness month.

[D]

Hold on. Just click away for a second. I just don't. I don't want you to see the above.

[B]

I would assume it could almost be like a birthday cake flavor, but I think they would be called birthday cake.

[A]

Yeah, they have like rainbow goldfish, but they're just different colors and they're just goldfish.

[C]

I mean, we're acting like the original color of goldfish is a naturally occurring color.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In all fair, that is the color that. No, it's not even really the color goldfish are. It's more of a cheddar color. And I know cheddar is not a color, it's a flavor. Yeah, but if you had a crayon called cheddar, that's the color it would be.

[A]

You look like you call all colors by what type of food.

[B]

Let me get that licorice crayon. You coloring broccoli? Shannon Tallis.

[D]

So this one is. Is not real.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, we got one more and then we'll call the show.

[D]

Hold on, let me just make sure it's a good one.

[A]

I looked it up, by the way. The Nick Cannon thing that I was thinking of. It was just that he came out supporting Trump because the Democratic party is the party that had slaves.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

Yeah, great. I saw Nick Cannon's name trending, in fact something and everyone has an opinion on. And I was like, what was it again? I was like, oh, n. Cat. And just said something weird, dumb.

[B]

All right, Shannon, give us one more and then we'll end today's app Last

[D]

one is it's from Dude Wipes and it's a butt mask and it's made to, like, lightly tighten the area of

[A]

your butthole in case you're going swimming in a pool in Mexico.

[B]

Yeah, this girl needed that.

[D]

Oh, it also. It also. Oh, it's. Oh, I think it waxes it also.

[C]

And bleaches it too, too. If it did all three, that would be amazing.

[B]

Is it like those teeth strip? Like the teeth whitening? Also, question. If that little girl had had a butt plug in, would that have saved her?

[C]

Nah, the butt plug would have gotten sucked out.

[A]

I mean, there's got to be a butt plug company that's using that as their ad campaign.

[B]

Now if you're gonna get in a hot tub in Mexico. Yeah. You want to go in prepared?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I am gonna go fake on that one one because I feel like the packaging would be more appealing than having it ridged. Like an.

[A]

I want it to be real just because they spelled mass with a s.

[B]

And that's very fun. Also, that it says one size fits most is very funny. Yeah, one size fits most. Unless you're a three year old girl who just got back from Mexico.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. This is definitely fake.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's fake.

[A]

I think fake, but I'm praying it's real.

[D]

This one is fake.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

For comfort and restoration.

[B]

Restoration, Comfort, comfort and restoration.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. Thank you guys for tuning in. Thank you to my wonderful guests Priya Blunt and Matt Marin. Check out Comedy Fight Club. Please keep an eye on Priya's socials for her 420 show at Mike Tyson's new dispenser. And thank you so much for tuning in. We'll be back on Friday with a banger bonus show where my dad calls in. You're gonna love it. And we'll see you then here on the Morning Zoo. Goodbye. To him. Papa Baco. Chug it down. Just like the favorite OB and join the crew. Morning too. It's Akamiko. Morning too.

[C]

How did you get your website to look like that? Mine's so basic.

[E]

Thanks.

[B]

I just used WIX Harmony.

[C]

What's that? It's wix's AI website builder.

[A]

You just tell it what you want

[B]

and it builds you a whole site.

[E]

But you can also switch back and forth between chatting with AI and editing things yourself.

[C]

Ah, so you're not stuck with whatever

[B]

the AI gives you? Nope.

[E]

I mean, the results are pretty nice,

[B]

but you can jump in and mess with whatever.

[D]

Oh, that's neat.

[B]

Try it for [e-mail] Harmony.