0114. Doug Uram and Tim McLaughlin

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo

Episode: #0114 — Doug Uram and Tim McLaughlin
Date: May 24, 2026
Host: Zac Amico
Guests: Doug Uram (No Offense Podcast), Tim McLaughlin (Great Hang Podcast)

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Episode Overview

This wild morning episode brings together Zac Amico with comics Doug Uram and Tim McLaughlin for a high-octane, highly irreverent hour full of twisted news takes, personal stories, dark humor, and a barrage of raunchy asides. The crew riffs on topics ranging from personal tales of cheating to memories of dive bar comedy, freak escalator accidents, weird medical conditions, surprise animals in salads, and the ridiculousness of celebrity child musical careers.

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Key Discussion Highlights

1. Banter & Self-Deprecating Intros (02:09–05:00)

• Zac kicks things off by noting if he’d actually have social skills, Tim and Doug would be "actual friends instead of monsters who only hang out for work."
• Guest plugs: Tim promotes the Great Hang podcast and an upcoming show; Doug is at Club 154 in PA and Bedford Falls in NYC.

Notable Quote:

"If we actually had social skills, these are two guys I would want to really be friends with as opposed to what we are, which is monsters who only spend time with each other for work purposes." — Zac Amico (02:09)

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2. The Weird World of Charity Mascots (07:32–09:17)

• The gang discusses the Israeli charity URA and its cartoonish, money-themed mascot "5ish," poking fun at the thinly veiled stereotypes and odd fundraising tactics.
• Discussion of plush toys, odd donation numbers ("$260 for a plushie—must be accounting for shipping!"), and jokes about Jewish haggling in charity.

Notable Exchange:

"Micah goes, 'they’re not beating any allegations.'"
"It just sounds like they’re haggling..." — Tim McLaughlin & Zac Amico (08:29–08:49)

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3. Puddles Pity Party, Weird Al, and The Art of Being an Untouchable Celebrity (09:23–11:16)

• Zac describes seeing Puddles Pity Party at City Winery—an operatic clown performance.
• Chat about Weird Al’s controversy-free career and the story of his parents' tragic death from carbon monoxide; marveling at his resilience and the lack of scandals in comedy.

Notable Quote:

"He’s the only person with no controversy... been famous for forty years. No, there’s not a goddamn thing." — Zac Amico (10:36)

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4. Suicide, Metal Legends & 1-Hour Photo Techs (12:09–16:43)

• Deep-dive into dark humor about suicide, referencing the black metal band Mayhem and their infamous album art.
• Fascinated review of the by-gone era of photo development—speculation on film lab techs creating their own archives of racy or bizarre customer photos.

Memorable Moment:

Doug: "I feel bad for the Asian that had to develop those pictures in his face." (14:04)
Zac: "Think about the amount of naked people those Asians saw... And definitely did doubles of good news." (14:09)

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5. Revenge Porn, Creepy Digital Behavior & The Wrong Kind of Memories (15:15–18:49)

• Zac tells a story about a college friend who obsessively saved Myspace photos of girls Zac knew, including finding nude photos from revenge porn sites.
• Revisiting abusive exes, complicated feelings about old relationships, and candid admissions about being "a shitty boyfriend."

Notable Quote:

"She saw me do stand up, and I did good. And we got back, and she goes, 'you’re not funny... they’re laughing at you... you should quit.'" — Zac Amico (18:32)

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6. Culture of Cheating: "Loyal Men Are Fools"(19:06–26:15)

• The panel reflects on their upbringings, where side-pieces and cheating were normalized by family and male role models.
• Hilarious and tragic stories about relatives, secret families, and strategies for hiding affairs ("save them in your phone as where they work—Blockbuster, Sunglasses Hut").
• Tim learns at a funeral about his grandfather’s secret family; Doug on learning about dad’s first marriage years later.

Notable Exchange:

"When you have a girlfriend on the side, you save her in your phone as where she works..." — Zac Amico (21:40)

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7. Comfort in Monogamy—Finally (26:00–27:15)

• Zac and Doug compare the calm of being in honest relationships now to the anxiety of juggling girlfriends and hiding texts in the past.

Notable Quote:

"The comfort of knowing there is no chance of some text coming through..." — Zac Amico (26:11)

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8. White Trash Whisperer, NYC Dive Bar Lore & Comedy War Stories (41:04–43:27)

• Zac brands himself the “White Trash Whisperer” for attracting drunk women in bars.
• Reminiscences of legendary (and infamously dirty) NYC comedy venues: Bar None, Continental, the Village Lantern—cheap drinks, gross conditions, insane crowds, and comedy chaos.

Notable Quote:

"I call myself the White Trash Whisperer. If there is a horrible drunk woman, I will be sitting with her within five minutes." — Zac Amico (41:36)

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9. Freak News: Escalator Death & Bystander Effect (43:21–47:38)

• Security footage prompts debate after a man dies, trapped by his clothing in a Boston escalator.
• Real talk about city life’s desensitization—seeing people passed out so often that nobody stops to help.
• Jokes about junkie encounters, legal liability for Good Samaritans, and "escalator etiquette."

Notable Quotes:

"You can't put that on people. That’s kind of shitty." — Tim McLaughlin (46:00)
"We are desensitized as a culture." — Zach Amico (46:17)

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10. Oddities: Lymphedema Model & Mutant Limbs (50:13–54:07)

• “Woman with one big leg” video leads to raucous banter about lymphedema and lopsided beauty standards.
• Jokes about naming daughters after types of wood ("You can't name your black daughter after a wood—Mahogany!").
• The gang gently puzzles through whether it would be “better to just lose the leg,” mixing mock medical talk with "kickball champion" jokes.

Memorable Exchange:

"Kickball champion!" — Zac Amico (53:25)
"That’s a ringer right there." — Doug Uram (53:27)

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11. Oddball Headlines Rapid-Fire (54:16–67:59)

• Claw machine rescue: A cop saves a toddler from inside a claw machine; jokes about the Epstein Island “pick your masseuse” version.
• Surprise animal: A live frog found in a salad bag in Australia sparks a string of "frog in the salad" as secret code for social situations.
• Six Flags horror: Riders stranded 245ft in the air during a power outage—the team ponders what happens when you’re stuck ("Come get me tomorrow!").
• Mutant pigs in Fukushima: Domestic pigs and wild boars crossbreed in the nuclear fallout zone, creating super-fertile mutant pork—jokes ensue about video games and Chet Hanks’ “feral” transformation from Jamaica to country singer.

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12. Jerry Seinfeld Ticket Pricing & Post-Seinfeld Flops (56:38–61:11)

• Price-guessing game for Jerry Seinfeld at the Beacon: guesses wildly overestimate, real prices range $137–$1,780.
• Panel eviscerates Seinfeld’s post-show projects (Bee Movie, Pop Tart movie, The Marriage Ref), crediting all his success to Larry David.
• Discussion of his infamous grudges—particularly against Bobcat Goldthwait.

Notable Quotes:

"If there’s not proof of how brilliant Larry David is, it’s what a complete fucking dick-nose of a failure Jerry Seinfeld could be without him." — Zac Amico (58:53)
"What's the deal with eye contact?" — Doug Uram (59:58)

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13. Bobcat Goldthwait, Feuds, and Arson (61:00–64:08)

• Bobcat called Seinfeld out for dating a teenager—source of longstanding grudge.
• Zac recalls Bobcat’s set-destroying stunts, arson charge, and hilarious PSAs as part of his plea deal.
• Praise for Bobcat’s stand-up sans the voice, and his skills as a director.

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14. Closing Oddities, Chet Hanks & Identity Whiplash (70:14–73:28)

• Chet Hanks’ musical pivots: Jamaican one year, cowboy the next. Tom Hanks spotted at his son’s country show ("dressed like Woody").
• Skewering both the performer and gullible fans.
• Doug’s final verdict on Tom Hanks’ parenting: if your son has switched musical and racial identities, "that’s not good parenting."

Notable Quote:

"You are getting fingered at the Port Authority by a homeless black guy. And your pussy stinks." — Zac Amico (72:04)

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Most Memorable Quotes

• On Cheating Culture
  "Up until a certain point in my life, I just thought every dude cheated... if they were [loyal], they were kind of a faggot."
  — Zac Amico (19:35)

• On Modern Compassion
  "We are desensitized as a culture."
  — Zac Amico (46:17)

• On Seinfeld Without Larry David
  "If there’s not proof of how brilliant Larry David is, it’s what a complete fucking dick-nose of a failure Jerry Seinfeld could be without him."
  — Zac Amico (58:53)

• On Chet Hanks’ Identity Swaps
  "This guy was Jamaican last year... now he’s a cowboy. And no one questions it!"
  — Zac Amico (71:26)

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

| Segment | Timestamps | |-----------------------------------------------|-------------------| | Guest intros & plugs | 02:09–05:00 | | Jewish charity mascot meltdown | 07:32–09:17 | | Puddles Pity Party & Weird Al | 09:23–11:16 | | Suicide & Mayhem lore | 13:04–14:04 | | Revenge porn & personal betrayals | 15:15–18:49 | | Cheating culture & family secrets | 19:06–26:15 | | White Trash Whisperer & NYC bar stories | 41:04–43:27 | | Escalator death news & bystander effect | 43:21–47:38 | | Lymphedema model/medical oddities | 50:13–54:07 | | Oddities lightning round: frog, rides, pigs | 54:16–70:14 | | Seinfeld ticket game + post-show criticism | 56:38–61:11 | | Bobcat feud, arson, Juggalos | 61:00–64:08 | | Chet Hanks ridicule & wrap | 70:14–73:28 |

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Tone & Style

• Language: Explicit, raw, parade of slurs and boundary-pushing jokes; rapid-fire banter consistent with blue-collar, NYC comedy scenes.
• Delivery: Alternates between gleefully dark comedy, nostalgia, rants about industry/celebrities, and personal confession.
• Vibe: Risky, aggressively irreverent but self-aware; many bits pivot from mean-spirited to quick self-mocking or playful exaggeration.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is a collision of stand-up green-room energy, late-night bar ramblings, and genuinely off-the-wall news items. Zac, Doug, and Tim take the audience on a grimy, hilarious nostalgia trip through the world of New York dive bars, family skeletons, and outlandish internet phenomena, spiked by tangents about bodily oddities and the absurdity of modern pop culture. If you like your morning with a shot of unfiltered chaos, off-color jokes, and deep-cut NYC comedy war stories—this is the zoo.

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Transcript

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[Zach Amico]

Fill ER up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Show Intro/Outro Announcer]

Wake up, it's time to go. Zakamiko's gotta show. Animals are here to play Jokes are guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laughter's waiting don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join

[Zach Amico]

the crew

[Show Intro/Outro Announcer]

It's a Miko morning. Welcome.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I'm all sorts of see through this morning. Hello, hello. It's your other boy, the international superstar, Zach Amico. It's a mighty hot Wednesday here in New York City. Coming to you from the Gas Digital Studios, this is the morning Zoo across the table from me. If I had to cast the guests on this show and have. Who are my regulars that I could depend on to be funny and actually enjoy my time with them? If, if we actually had social skills, these are two guys I would want to really be friends with as opposed to what we are, which is monsters who only spend time with each other for work purposes. Yeah, but if I had a social life, I would want these two guys to be my friends. Akeem woods is here.

[Doug Uram]

Who that?

[Zach Amico]

Who that man from the great hang podcast. It's our great friend, Tim McLaughlin. How you doing, buddy?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Hey, everybody. I'm doing well, Zach. Thank you for having me on. And thanks for a nice intro.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, you look well.

[Doug Uram]

Very sweet.

[Zach Amico]

You're very sweet yourself. From the no Offense podcast with Doug Uram. It's the man himself, Doug Uram. How you doing?

[Doug Uram]

Hi, guys. Hello, Zach. I've been meaning to. Oh, look at that. I forgot it's green. Look, you can't even see it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, look at that fantastic Tucker Carlson pouch. I just got a new tattoo and the guy wanted to fill it in with neon green. And I was like, I already have so much green on me that I have to cover up.

[Doug Uram]

So if you were you shirt off, it would just be fucking holes through your body.

[Zach Amico]

Just hole.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, that's fucking great.

[Zach Amico]

When I do movies in front of green screens, if I don't have sleeves, I have to color it in with a marker.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, fucking.

[Zach Amico]

Let's knock plugs out of the way. Tim, what do you want people to check out?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Check me out at the Great Hank podcast with myself in front of the show Micah Fox. You can follow me at Real Matt Moran, but you can follow me on instagram. Hot_Comics69. And May 28, if you are in the New York area, I will be on with Karen Feehan at the City Winery for Karen Feehan and friends. So if you want to come out to that, it's going to be a great show. So come on out to that.

[Zach Amico]

And that is a very classy venue.

[Doug Uram]

Yes.

[Tim McLaughlin]

For a bunch of whores.

[Doug Uram]

You saw that. What the fuck?

[Zach Amico]

I have to tell you, if you're gonna go see these pieces of shit and you actually want it to be a nice night out with wine and food, if you're gonna spend the cache, which by the way, if you go to a comedy club, you're getting fucking hammered on the bill anyway.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Especially in the city.

[Zach Amico]

This is a spot where your significant other or whatever, whoever you're taking out is gonna go. This is pretty nice.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, it doesn't smell like wet mops. Strip club nice.

[Tim McLaughlin]

And there's a lot of the upper crust from Battery park will be there as well. So if you want a hobnob with some fucking big money individuals, I'll tell

[Zach Amico]

you who I saw there after Doug's plugs. Doug ahead.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, follow me on Instagram at the Doug Uram. When's this coming out again?

[Zach Amico]

This will be out in like three days, but it's live on gas right now.

[Doug Uram]

Oh. So I'll be at where the hell am I again? Fuck, hold on.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Poughkeepsie.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah. Saturday I'll be at Club 154 in Pennsylvania. Look that fucking address up. I don't know where it is. And then Friday I'll be at Bedford Falls on the Upper east side comedy club.

[Zach Amico]

Fantastic. Yes. Instagram. Zach is not funny. Punch up.live Zach Miko for all my tickets. If you're listening live, this is the last time you're gonna have to listen to this plug. Other than Friday show, I'm filming my special Saturday, May 23rd, Creek in the Cave. Myself, Tim Butterly, 8pm 10pm Just a few tickets left and it would be very nice to hang out with you. Then I'm going on tour. June. I was gonna. All these dates are with my little brother, Crack Amico. So it'll be a full comedy show and then a concert because I'm not following music. June 4, Michigan City. June 5, South Bend, Indiana. June 6, Kalamazoo. And June 7, Detroit. Come hang out. It should be really, really fun. We have exclusive merch Zach and Crack, the amazing Amico Brothers. We're gonna have shirts, buttons, stickers that are tour exclusive. So come hang out. It'd be really fun. And if you're watching and you like the show, why don't you head over to gas digital.com today and use my promo code, Z. Oh, oh, Zoo. And you save a little bit of money. You get your episodes early ad, free and uncensored. You get access to the live chat as well as the archives. Thousands of episodes of all your favorite GAS shows from over the last decade. And you get our Friday bonus episode. That's right. We do three of these a week. And if you want the third one, you gotta subscribe. And I will tell you, this Friday, I had on Ally Mae and Pete Angelo. We taped it because I'm going to be in Texas. And we went real deep into a black Israelite doctor reviewing the roast of Kevin Hart.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, that a boy.

[Zach Amico]

And then we went real deep into Ura, the sister charity that cars for kids funnels money into.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's an Israeli operation.

[Zach Amico]

And just to give you a little. A little smidge of it, Shannon, would you show the boys? And apparently I was informed today that Cometown did this years ago.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So I don't want to dwell on it. Would you show the boys 5ish real quick?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I watched 5ish yesterday, dude. I watched it.

[Zach Amico]

Blew my. You got to see the mascot for this charity.

[Tim McLaughlin]

8, 7, 6.

[Doug Uram]

For Cause for Kids?

[Zach Amico]

No, for URA, the sister charity.

[Doug Uram]

What the. Oh, my God.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's real.

[Doug Uram]

I mean, they're not even. They're not even hiding it. They're just telling you who's running this

[Zach Amico]

fucking thing at this point, it's the Funniest. Wow.

[Tim McLaughlin]

So I watched this yesterday. I'm talking to Micah because she's a Jew. Of course, if no one knows. But she goes, 5ish is like a Jewish name. I go, okay, but did they have to make the mascot money? Micah? She goes, they're not beating any allegations.

[Zach Amico]

I guess what I love is it just sounds like they're haggling.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Like how much we laugh so hard. And then at the end, they go. They have a plushie of them. Yeah. And they go. Just for a donation of $260. And then I thought, what a weird number. And then I realized they wanted 2.

[Doug Uram]

56 million.

[Zach Amico]

They wanted 250. And somebody in the boardroom went, oh, we're going to take a beating on shipping and handling.

[Doug Uram]

We got to cover the cost.

[Zach Amico]

It made us. We laughed all day. Me and Pete hung out for the rest of the day laughing about it. So funny.

[Tim McLaughlin]

His mom is a purse.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, thank God. So please check that out. And then talking about Good City Winery is. I saw Puddles Pity party there.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know if you're familiar.

[Tim McLaughlin]

The clown was the clown on America's Got Talent. Yes. Okay.

[Zach Amico]

And he was fucking awesome.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Really? What does he do?

[Zach Amico]

He does operatic covers. So he's got this amazing voice. But then he also does kind of. Because he doesn't talk.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

So he does like, kind of basic clowning stuff in between. Like, he'll bring a kid on stage to play a fake guitar, but he'll, like, do a thing where, like, he can't move the mic standing because it's too heavy. Then the kid moves it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's fun.

[Zach Amico]

Very, very funny. I saw him do the same act when he opened for Weird Al.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. He's coming out with a doctor soon, isn't he?

[Zach Amico]

Weird Al?

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. Isn't there a documentary about him coming out soon on Netflix?

[Zach Amico]

I don't know about that.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, I think there is.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. I know he's been doing the. The rounds on interviews.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. I think that's what he's promoting.

[Tim McLaughlin]

They have to add it to their list of documentaries on every comedian.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, I don't know what to. He's the only person with no controversy. He's been out. He's been famous for something in there. 40 years. No, there's not a goddamn thing.

[Doug Uram]

All those guys have something.

[Zach Amico]

Don't you go near my Alfred.

[Doug Uram]

Alfred's got. He's hiding something.

[Zach Amico]

No, there is nothing, dude.

[Tim McLaughlin]

The man's father died, and he went out and performed a Concert right after his parents died. Oh, I thought it was just his dad.

[Zach Amico]

His parents were found dead together. Oh, shit.

[Doug Uram]

He did it.

[Zach Amico]

He.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now that's pretty weird, Al. Anyways, I'm on. I'm kind of on. I'm chipping today. Fuck.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, no, he was carbon monoxide.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, right, right. Like my friend's father's wife.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I have a. Yeah, that doesn't sound suspicious.

[Zach Amico]

I have a friend who's a fire chief and they specifically use that example for how to check for carbon monoxide. It was a, I think like a 5 cent piece that went in the carbon monoxide detector that they. That the company didn't use that made it malfunction.

[Doug Uram]

Oh.

[Tim McLaughlin]

So what happened at the Indy 500 one year? You know, you can camp out in this big field next to the 500 and a RV full of dudes died of carbon monoxide poisoning because they just, you know, their rv, it was missing whatever, one little thing and filled with CO2.

[Doug Uram]

That's so nice to go that way, though. You just go to bed. Yeah, that's it. Like, I'm so tired.

[Zach Amico]

I've thought about that. That must. Of all the things.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, it's wonderful.

[Zach Amico]

Just be like, I'm going to go to bed with my wife. Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

It's like, why would you kill yourself any other way when that's always on the table.

[Zach Amico]

It really seems so peaceful.

[Doug Uram]

You just slip off like. Yeah, fuck, it's a long day. Yeah, that's great.

[Zach Amico]

My sleep apnea would fuck it up.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, I bet carbon monoxide is the cure for sleep apnea because that gas gets in your fucking.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, technically any suicide is a cure for sleep.

[Doug Uram]

Shotgun in the mouth stops it. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You know, it stops until it doesn't.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Because that's the last thing you want to be is Soppy Got face.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And sleep apnea.

[Doug Uram]

Like the dude from Super Troopers. He missed and blew off half of his fucking. With a shotgun too. All weapons, that's. That's pretty much the short thing. Every time.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, it's the word.

[Doug Uram]

Fuck that up.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, have you ever seen the suicide scene from Lords of Chaos?

[Doug Uram]

No.

[Zach Amico]

It's the story of the band Mayhem.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And their singer dead killed himself. He slit his wrists with a butcher knife, slit his throat with a butcher knife and then shot himself with a rifle.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God, what a fucking loser.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's very good, I think. Did he have it all set up like, you know, contestant style where he could go slow, slash, slash, slash, and then grab the.

[Zach Amico]

No, it just wouldn't Take like it was taking too long.

[Doug Uram]

Dude. How do you. That means he didn't cut deep enough. Yeah, he just was like. He pushed out. Oh no.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. What a.

[Doug Uram]

What a.

[Zach Amico]

And then his down. His bandmate walked into it, ran to the store and bought a disposable camera, took a bunch of pictures and then scooped up skull fragments to turn into jewelry for the rest of the band.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, that's wild.

[Zach Amico]

The COVID of one of their bootleg albums is him. How they found him.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, that's.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I've seen that.

[Doug Uram]

I feel bad for the Asian that had to develop those pictures in his face.

[Zach Amico]

That's a whole. That's a whole industry. Yeah, that's gone. Think about the amount of naked people.

[Doug Uram]

Oh yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Those Asians saw oh a ton and just kept mum on it. They had to have. They had to do double sometimes. They had. They definitely some stores if it wasn't a family business. They definitely did doubles of good news.

[Doug Uram]

Oh yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And had like a shoebox in the back of the good stuff.

[Doug Uram]

Well, anytime there ever was a white guy that would do the pictures, it was always some creepy looking fuck that's just down on his fucking luck. Yeah, that's bottom of the barrel drunk

[Zach Amico]

1 hour photo Robin Williams.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And there's definitely doubles of some like crazy bitch from spring break in 95.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, there's some Midwest CVS white guys that probably even sold them to other. I'd bet.

[Doug Uram]

I bet it's like a trade that was a business. Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I bet there was like a underground trade going on.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh yeah. I mean if they're doing all this Epstein stuff, they're definitely circulating some photos.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

They're used to being all the revenge porn sites.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Before the guy submit. My ex is anyone up? Was a big one.

[Doug Uram]

I never heard of that.

[Zach Amico]

And that guy went to jail.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, he didn't do nothing. He just gave me the platform.

[Zach Amico]

I don't think he wasn't checking ages.

[Doug Uram]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I had a guy I was friends with in college blowing out a

[Doug Uram]

birthday cake with 14 on it.

[Zach Amico]

I had a friend in college who in retrospect, bit of a creep, but

[Tim McLaughlin]

at the time he's just your friend. Well, you guys are battling around at schools.

[Zach Amico]

I'm not a good friend. If you let me use your laptop. Yeah, I'm snooping.

[Doug Uram]

You're going through it. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And this guy. So I was in my band at the time and I knew a ton of just like hot goth chicks that would hang out in the scene. Right.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

This guy had seen my band once and would kind of hang out a little. But he didn't know any of these girls. A lot of them are from L. A. I click on a folder on his desktop called Persephone.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And it was just hundreds of pictures of girls I knew. Were they from, like. They're myspaces.

[Doug Uram]

Holy shit.

[Zach Amico]

Right?

[Doug Uram]

That's not that. That almost makes it more creepy that they're clothed rather than being naked. Because naked you could kind of like.

[Zach Amico]

They were just. He was just collecting.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. That's fucking nuts.

[Zach Amico]

Because I confronted him about it, and he goes, oh, yeah. You know, I keep that folder of girls I think are hot. And I'm like, but you don't. I know them.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He goes, yeah. I go through your friends lists and save all the girls. So then one day, he brings up a girl I went to high school with.

[Tim McLaughlin]

All right, nice.

[Zach Amico]

And he goes, hey, do you know. And I don't want to say her name. Do you remember this girl? I go, yeah, I grew up with her. And then he takes out a topless picture of her. And I go, she sent you that? And he goes, no, I found it.

[Doug Uram]

Where?

[Zach Amico]

On Submit yout ex.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, wow.

[Zach Amico]

Shit. And he had known who she was. Cause he had saved pictures of her from my MySpace. Huh. So he goes, look, I found a naked picture of this lady. You know,

[Doug Uram]

I always. Like, anytime I was on that site, I always wondered if I was gonna stumble across anyone I knew. I never did.

[Zach Amico]

I found my ex on it.

[Doug Uram]

Did you put the. Did you submit.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I found Zach.

[Zach Amico]

No, but it was from when we were together. The pictures were for all from when we were together, and I didn't have them.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, that whore.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, boy.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Tax on the horn. Hey, I saw you on a website. You.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. Do you get mad at that? Like, do you even call and be like, what the fuck? Like, after it's over, but for just. Yeah, exactly. No, we got back together because of those pictures.

[Zach Amico]

No. And then we dated again, on and off for years. And we were in abusive, terrible, abusive relationship.

[Doug Uram]

You hit it Good.

[Show Intro/Outro Announcer]

Cool.

[Zach Amico]

No, I never. Never.

[Doug Uram]

That's excellent.

[Zach Amico]

No, it was just cheat. Yeah. No, it was just horrible cheating and mental abuse and verbal abuse.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, good.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, just, you know, she saw me do stand up, and I did good. And we got back, and she goes, you're not funny. And I went, what? I went, but the people liked it. She goes, they're laughing at you and how stupid your jokes are. You should quit.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, my God.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, What a putrid twat.

[Zach Amico]

God, I hope her husband watched the goddamn Kevin Hart roast.

[Doug Uram]

I hope he saved those photos to send to him.

[Zach Amico]

You know what? Water under the bridge. I was shitty to her, too. I'd be a hypocrite. They'd be mad about it, to be honest.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Zach, you weren't shitty.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, no, yeah, I was a. Zach, I got this.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I have this image of you in my mind as the doting, sweet boyfriend,

[Zach Amico]

you know, And Doug, I think you might be able to relate to this.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Doug, I don't know about you.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Doug is on the flyer for domestic abuse.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know about how you grew up, Tim. Up until a certain point in my life, I just thought every dude cheated.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, no, I relate.

[Zach Amico]

It never occurred to me that they don't. People were like, loyal, and if they were, they were kind of a faggot.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Like, I remember people talking about people who were monogamous and, like, good husbands being like, he doesn't even have a fucking girlfriend.

[Doug Uram]

He has no side piece. How does he get the frustration out?

[Zach Amico]

I remember, like. And by the way, I'm like 13 watching all adult men in my life have this conversation.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. Well, that just goes to show you who we grew up around. You're Italian. I'm.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

All had fucking side pieces at the. My cousin, the restaurant I worked at. His side pieces were always black. And they were beautiful fucking girls, too,

[Zach Amico]

as you can't bring her around.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's a good

[Doug Uram]

Paulie and all his racist shit. Luther Vandross box set.

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[Zach Amico]

Yeah, everybody just had. Everybody had store. Everybody gave me advice.

[Doug Uram]

My grandfather had side pieces. Of course he did. He disappeared for three months. Nobody knew where he went. And he just came back like nothing happened. And my grandmother just took him back in the house. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah, that'll happen now. That'll happen. With your Italian grandpa?

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, When I was 14, 15, I was sat down and told, when you have a girlfriend on the side, you save her in your phone as where she works.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

So you have plausible deny. This is pretext.

[Doug Uram]

Blockbuster. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Sunglasses, Hot Topic, Baskin Robbins four times.

[Doug Uram]

I just like that place. What do you want?

[Tim McLaughlin]

They have 31 flavors, bitch.

[Zach Amico]

No, I went through the gamut. I had at 1.2 Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, and a Quick Check.

[Doug Uram]

Quick check. What fucking monstrosity did you meet at a Quick check?

[Zach Amico]

Didn't meet her there, but that's where she worked.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, I see.

[Zach Amico]

And then the Starbucks was right by my old telemarketing job, so I used to get free coffee.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, that's high end right there. That was a good one.

[Zach Amico]

That was a good one.

[Doug Uram]

That's a good one.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I've never cheated.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Cause you're a good guy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

My dad never cheated. I don't know if I should tell this story.

[Doug Uram]

You should.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay. At my cousin's funeral, my. My aunt got hammered. My aunt got hammered. And she goes, timothy, your. Your grandmother is a weak woman. And I was like, okay, that's cool. She's like, right there. She goes, she can't hear me. And I was like, all right. And she goes, your grandfather had another family, and she kept taking him back. And then she, like, kind of realized what she was saying because my mom never told me any of this stuff. And she goes, ah, don't tell anyone I told you this and never say

[Zach Amico]

it on a podcast. Yeah, the thing that doesn't exist right now, Right?

[Tim McLaughlin]

So I go up and talk to my dad, and I was like, did I. Did Grandpa Rudy have a secret family? He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we don't talk to your mom about that. And I was like, okay. So we just don't bring it up. Happy birthday to my mom tomorrow.

[Doug Uram]

So it was weird when you find out those secrets when you're older. I found out my dad was married before my mother, when I was 29 is when I first slipped. His friend was like, yeah. It was like. And he goes to me, goes, yeah, like your father with his first marriage. I go, what are you talking about now? And he goes, yeah, you didn't know that? I go, no fucking idea. And he goes, don't tell him I told you. And I was like, yeah, I had no idea, because, yeah, he divorced her to marry your mother. I go, oh, nice. That's good. And I never brought it up to my dad.

[Zach Amico]

That's Fun learning. That's fun learning new ones.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

I was like, that is a fucking good one.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I got a few. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop on stealth. I worked for one of my dad's close friends and he detailed to me how he got out of getting caught.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He had a full time side piece family at home. Side piece flips on him, says, you know, you gotta be with me. I want you to leave her. So she starts calling the house.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And he just very calmly tells me. So I had my sister come over and pick up the phone and say she was my wife and threatened to kill her.

[Doug Uram]

That is fucking brilliant.

[Zach Amico]

What a great sister.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, my God, what a wonderful sister.

[Zach Amico]

Picked up the phone, said, listen, I know everything. He came clean to me. We're staying together. If you call here again, I'll fucking kill you. I don't want you near him. I don't want you near my house. I don't want you near the family. This is the last time we ever speak or it's gonna be a problem for you. And the chick backed off.

[Doug Uram]

Dude. That is a wonderful sister. I would buy her a house. That's a great sister.

[Zach Amico]

I think he did. Sheila's next door.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God.

[Zach Amico]

I legit deserves. They shared a yard.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. And a garage.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Where he kept a side piece.

[Zach Amico]

That's a good sister.

[Doug Uram]

That's a wonderful sister. My sister would never do anything like that for me. God damn.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Now that I'm hearing all these stories about cheating, I'm realizing that I am kind of a faggot. I don't do any of this cool shit. I just stay with my girlfriend.

[Zach Amico]

It's not worth the stress. At the end of the day. My marriage is the first relationship I've ever really been a good boy on.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

The comfort of handing my wife when we are looking at something, like watching a YouTube video or like, if we're gonna order Grubhub and I just give her my phone.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

The comfort of knowing there is no chance.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Of some text coming through. Like we. I remember being in relationships, like we're sitting, like watching a video on my phone and just my heart is racing going, please nobody text. Please nobody text.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. You know what's crazy though? Like, my girlfriend, I don't cheat on her. I don't do nothing wrong. Is the one that accuses me of being weird with my phone. I'm like, I'm not doing nothing. The only thing I get nervous about is like, she gets my phone and My friend's like, is your girlfriend still being a bitch? Like, I'm kidding. Of course.

[Zach Amico]

Yes, of course. Of course. This is all comedy on a podcast. None of these stories.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I cheat all the time, actually.

[Doug Uram]

And then the ones I cheated on would never question me. No. Never. I don't know what this.

[Zach Amico]

No. I got questioned a lot.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I had some real.

[Tim McLaughlin]

A lot.

[Zach Amico]

I had some real convoluted stories.

[Doug Uram]

Really?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. I woke up one day to being tagged in about 40 pictures on social media of a girl that had stayed the weekend.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I did not know these photos, like, me sleeping.

[Doug Uram]

Why would she do that?

[Zach Amico]

Us holding hands, walking. But she would take, like, a secret picture and just. She uploaded a whole folder and tagged me in all of them. Why?

[Doug Uram]

Does she know you had a girlfriend?

[Zach Amico]

No. Oh, and the girl I was with was. It was bad.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, no. Was it like a wake up, like, bad, like, you're sleeping. You think it's a nice Sunday morning?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I'd be like, this girl is actually like. And I was holding her hand because she slips a lot. And of course, you know, retards will take pictures of you while you're sleeping. So that just makes sense to me. I was doing community outreach for the weekend.

[Doug Uram]

Right.

[Zach Amico]

One time my wife did accuse me. We were out at a bar and a. I don't know how to be nice about this special needs girl. Okay.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Who was, like, kind of, like, weird and gothy and knew me from trauma stuff, ran up to me and she was like, wow, it's so nice to me. It's so nice to see you. What are you doing? And then she, like, hugged me, doing

[Tim McLaughlin]

the voices, being nice about it.

[Zach Amico]

And she, like, did the whole spiel and then she walked and she's like, oh, you said. Oh. She was a compliment. She was very nice, but it was odd. And so then she walks outside and my wife looks at me and I go, what? She goes, did you fuck that retarded girl?

[Doug Uram]

She wasn't retarded when I fucked her. Yeah, that's how good it was, baby.

[Zach Amico]

And then, boys, within five minutes, she was outside having the most open mouth makeout session with a fucking Puerto Rican guy that I have ever. I mean.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God, it was brutal. She was just breathing, though, Zach. That's how they breathe.

[Zach Amico]

It was one of those.

[Doug Uram]

You go, oh, God, dude.

[Zach Amico]

There.

[Doug Uram]

Now that it's funny you bring that up, because there has been a couple. It's a fat, smelly redheaded chick and some raggedy fucking black dude that's clearly homeless. Oh, let's go on the Port Authority train entrance for the downtown AB a EC train. Mm.

[Zach Amico]

That I call fucking a retard going downtown.

[Doug Uram]

I'm sorry.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I eat up

[Doug Uram]

that they line up in that first fucking time. Like that first whatever that is that you pass through. What do they call them? The terminal? No, the turnstile.

[Zach Amico]

Okay.

[Doug Uram]

They meet up every fucking night and he finger pops her in front of everybody. And this is multiple times I've seen it. And it fucking stinks. Every fucking time. And there's no explanation like hot piss or just rancid vagina and homeless fingers being marinated in a fat redheaded scooter. That's all it is. And I like, I saw him once and.

[Zach Amico]

How come you didn't go into poetry?

[Doug Uram]

You know, I missed my calling. I should have been Cummings over here.

[Zach Amico]

You're a real laureate.

[Doug Uram]

That's a real fucking Edward Frost.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's like how you die of a yeast infection, dude.

[Zach Amico]

It's gross.

[Doug Uram]

I got to take a picture. I keep trying to sneak a picture, but every time I try, they just both happen to look at me. Every fucking time. But I got to sneak a picture and send it to you because they're there every fucking. Send it to.

[Tim McLaughlin]

What is New York?

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one.

[Zach Amico]

People in New York. Yeah, yeah. One of those, like Instagrams.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Here's my subway take. I like when that guy does that. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Subway creatures.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, man.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It's fucking gnarly.

[Zach Amico]

There's a trauma fan who is a special needs man, and I speak about him a lot. And he goes out clubbing every weekend. He doesn't drink. He sits at the bar, gets one soda. The bartender's furious because he takes up all the real estate at the bar. And then he just dances his retarded heart out.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Let's go.

[Zach Amico]

And he posts so many. And it's all digital camera pictures. It's never cell phone pictures.

[Doug Uram]

So he's got to go through the whole upload.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Brings a digital camera and there's so many photos of him making out with blacked out women. Oh, God. Who does not know?

[Doug Uram]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

And we were at a party and

[Tim McLaughlin]

there's incels in this world.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, we were at a party. This guy sees opportunity and this is to date myself. This was at the Continental Airlines Arena. No, no, no, the bar on Damon in Chicago Street.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Right next to where the McDonald's was on St. Mark's. Oh, yeah, yeah, the Continental where they had a very famous five shots of anything for $10. Happy hour.

[Doug Uram]

I missed those deals.

[Zach Amico]

And. Oh, boy.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Did people take advantage.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

When I used to host that show at Bar None.

[Doug Uram]

I remember that.

[Zach Amico]

We used to go to Continental.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

We used to go to Continental first to get shit hammered. And me and my friend were at Continental for a party. We got there too early. And so we go to go get dollar pizza. We come back and that gentleman, there's no one dancing except him. And our friends, very recent ex. And they are grind. I mean.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

Touching her toes, rubbing her ass up and down on him. Yeah. We just took one photo and sent it to her. We were like, somebody's moved on. She was blacked out. She had no idea. Like, she couldn't make words. She was so drunk. Because obviously she had had 15 shots for $30.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. I mean, God bless that deal. It made this retard very happy.

[Zach Amico]

Like, I mean, he had the time.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. And I bet you he was upset when that deal ended.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. That was. That was like canceling his birthday.

[Zach Amico]

That was a. I wish I could explain to people how good you could find a deal. What great deals you could find at dive bars.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It's not like New York was when Manhattan was still a fucking. You could go out in Manhattan. You could be broke.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And fucking drink your way through the night.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And still have money for cab or fucking food.

[Doug Uram]

There was one right next to. Remember the village lantern. Remember 19, 1852 was a joint. You would get a bucket of rocks for 10 bucks. And it was just Rolling Rocks. I think there was like 12 in there, some shit like that. $10 and you could drink them all night. Then they also had 50 cent wings. And you would just stay there all fuck. And you would leave blitz that your fucking mind. And maybe you spent $30 if that. Just hammered drunk. I miss those. I don't even drink anymore. But if those deals did come back, I would take advantage of every single one.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, it's too good of a deal not to.

[Doug Uram]

It was so great, man. It was fucking lovely.

[Zach Amico]

Those five shots were $10.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

I used to go there before we did Bar none. And I would do five shots of Jaeger. Five shots of Jaeger.

[Tim McLaughlin]

So they had like, Jaeger. I was gonna say, what was the highest?

[Zach Amico]

It was mostly.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Well, easy time.

[Zach Amico]

It was well, but. But if you knew the bartender. Yeah, you could upgrade.

[Doug Uram]

And they would slide you another shot for fucking free every time. Bar none was notorious for that.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Bar none drinking There all night long,

[Zach Amico]

Bar none was a dump.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, it was a shithole. The floor would be caving in.

[Tim McLaughlin]

There was mold all over the wall. Still there, isn't it?

[Doug Uram]

It's gone.

[Zach Amico]

I think they had some.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh,

[Zach Amico]

naughty boys.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, they had quite a few, actually.

[Zach Amico]

I believe. Consecutive naughty boys.

[Doug Uram]

One of them was the. May or may not have been the son of the owner that like.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Slip a few digits in on drunk girls.

[Zach Amico]

And I believe a manager at one

[Tim McLaughlin]

point, they were getting the Port Authority special over.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah. And. Yeah, no, that. Bar none had some characters.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And it was a. It was a spot people went to. Really blackout.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. The amount of times, like you'd be at a show there and somebody was blacked out in the booth and you would just leave them there and they had no idea that there was a show going on. And they'd be passed out through the whole fucking show. Yeah, that was because I ran a show there, too, with Samantha Bednar is right after you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The show over.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it was. First it was Josh Potter. Not the famous Josh Potter.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

My friend Josh Potter.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Chris Calogero and Sam and Jammer. Sam. Sam Bernard. Back when she was still Sam. A jama.

[Doug Uram]

That's right. Yeah. I forgot. She used to have a fucking comedy nickname.

[Zach Amico]

And I would host and then I took it for a while and then you and Sam ran it.

[Doug Uram]

That's right. Yep.

[Zach Amico]

That was right. And we would get, like, Mark Norman did shit to pop in.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah. And every now, like you said, you'd get some bigger. Joe List did it a few times, too. Like, it was just. It was fucking wild.

[Zach Amico]

Were you there the night. It was the Puerto Rican birthday party for the girl that worked at Halloween Adventure. No, because Josh worked at Halloween. I remember the makeup counter.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That's right.

[Zach Amico]

And it was some. She requested a comedy show for her birthday. So it was the entire staff of Halloween Adventure and, like, just 20 ragged Puerto Rican chicks.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And when I tell you that show was awesome and I missed it.

[Doug Uram]

Son of a bitch.

[Zach Amico]

I think that's the first time I ever did comedy without a shirt on. Really? I chrysured it.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, that was. Wait, I remember. Would you always take your shirt off?

[Zach Amico]

No, no, Very rarely. That show. I took my dick out.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, I don't remember.

[Zach Amico]

I took my dick out.

[Doug Uram]

That was the place to do it.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Doug Uram]

That was the place I could.

[Zach Amico]

That show was bonkers.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Sweeping up fake nails for days.

[Doug Uram]

After that, hair extensions and fake eyelashes. And hoop earrings.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Hoop earrings as far as the eye could see. The. The dance floor glittered with hoop earrings that.

[Zach Amico]

Did they have the slushy machine there? What did they have there? That was something that ever. That was like a gimmick.

[Doug Uram]

I thought they had, like, that pina colada machine.

[Zach Amico]

That is.

[Doug Uram]

That was it. Yeah, it was a pina cola, but it was broke half the fucking time.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. They had some type of deal.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Like the McDonald's ice cream machine.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

And it was. Dude, that place was like. You'd go up in that top booth, and every time you'd walk in there, you would either kick out a roach or a rat, and it would just. And then people would just drink out of this margarita machine. That was gross. That whole place, it smelled like feet. It was just a disgusting fucking place. But the comedy shows that you would have there were always, like, so much. They were always so much fun to do because anything went. You said whatever you wanted, and nobody gave a shit.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. People would come from the bar, hammer.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Heckle you. Fights.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah. I got to a fight with some English woman because I called her a British cunt. Like, and I was hosting.

[Tim McLaughlin]

They like.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. And that was the first thing that fucking. That I said. And then the rest of the show went into the toilet after that.

[Zach Amico]

I got in a fight there. They did a. A karaoke competition.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And they brought in me and Josh as judges, and I gave some dude a bad score, and his girlfriend ran up on me.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

And she's like, you were on your phone while he was singing.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He's still here.

[Zach Amico]

And I'm like, yeah, what do you. And then she's like, we were clearly told the rule. And she started, arg.

[Doug Uram]

The prize was like American Idol here.

[Zach Amico]

The prize was like a $20 bar tab.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Like, it was nothing.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God.

[Zach Amico]

And I. This whole group of people got in a huge fight with me because I was not respecting the rules of the karaoke competition.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I've realized recently, after playing on a really bad softball team in a really bad softball league, it does not matter what the prize is. People are going to be hyper competitive just to do it.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Doug Uram]

Three slices at Espositos.

[Zach Amico]

And I specifically remember this guy because he and a girl did a whole new world from Aladdin, and he went to dip her and dropped her on her tailbone on the floor of the bar.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I guess the floor is a whole new world.

[Zach Amico]

Really.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. It hit so hard, she gave an exorcist scream.

[Zach Amico]

Oh. And yeah. That his Girlfriend was screaming at me all night about how I was a piece of shit.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God, I missed that fucking place. I miss those shitty shows. Not that I want to do them again because I blow my fucking brains out, but I do. I miss them a lot.

[Zach Amico]

There is a place by me in Deep Brooklyn that I have found to be similar.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And they do comedy there on the Monthly. And I went and did it and it was a nightmare.

[Doug Uram]

Was. It was. Oh, God.

[Zach Amico]

And then Faga did it a few months ago and it was worse.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, man.

[Zach Amico]

And I showed up. It's. It's two blocks from my house. Yeah, I showed up.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Zach got an Uber on one.

[Zach Amico]

I. Chris literally said, I've never seen you show up somewhere like this.

[Doug Uram]

Were you angry?

[Zach Amico]

No, I was just. I was going, yeah. So I have this thing, I call myself the White Trash Whisperer.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Where if there is a horrible drunk woman, I will be sitting with her within five minutes without trying. And there was a woman who came up to me, started spitting games, probably in her late 50s. And I looked at her, I was like. I went, this is my line. I went, you're a real Stevie Nicks type of bitch, ain't you?

[Doug Uram]

That's a compliment.

[Zach Amico]

She ran over to the jukebox, put on Stevie dicks, and sang to me all night.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God fucking damn it.

[Zach Amico]

She's Blackout. And she keeps going. She goes, are you married? I'm like, yeah. And she's like, I have a long term boyfriend. But she goes, but we're just flirting. Yeah. Nothing wrong with flirting.

[Doug Uram]

I could see this bitch's face and

[Zach Amico]

she's all over me. And then she keeps saying she has a boyfriend. Right? And I said, drinking with Chris, it was one of those things where we just put all our cash on the bar and are slowly taking away from the pile. And I feel this hulking presence sit next to me. And I go, that's the boyfriend. And I go to turn around, and the lady goes, that's my son. He's mad. I'm drunk.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I look at him, I go, sorry, dude. He goes, ah, it's all right. You're taking good care of her. I go, yeah. He goes, ah, let me buy you a drink. I can get her out of here. And he bought me a drink. And he goes, mom, we gotta go. She's like, I am Naomi's friend.

[Doug Uram]

My friend Zach, he says, she drank herself retarded. My friend Zach, he says, I'm a real Stevie. I told you. The white wing dove.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we're gonna do a couple stories.

[Doug Uram]

Real? Oh, yeah. Fuck.

[Zach Amico]

We're just having fun. We're fucking. This is a good one, bub. All right, we'll start where the show belongs. Man 40, dies after being trapped in freak escalator accident.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, I thought you said Escalade for.

[Zach Amico]

No, no, this is a common thing on the show, which is security camera footage, I assume, Shannon?

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

Yeah. It's like cctv.

[Zach Amico]

Yep. Let's see it.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Does he get, like, grinded up, like. Oh, no.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

It's gonna, like, go back and forth between, like a news story.

[Zach Amico]

That's fine.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

Back to this again.

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

Caught at the bottom of a movie escalator at a busy T station 20 minutes before any help arrives. It happened in late February here at the Davis Station in Somerville. Video the NBCN investigators obtained shows Stephen McCarthy Klusky getting onto the escalator here at about five in the morning at the bottom of the escalator. He then stumbles and falls.

[Zach Amico]

He's hammered.

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

Clothes were pulled inside the escalator which prevented him from getting up. The video then shows a procession of T riders taking the steps and walking by Stephen. Some of them briefly stop and appear like they try to help. Others walk by with even barely a glance. Wasn't until 22 minutes later that you. You see a T employee appear in the frame and walk up and hit the emergency stop button. When first responders arrived, they found Stephen had no pulse. His clothing had been pulled so tight that it was cutting off the airway in his throat. And it ended up taking roughly a half an hour before they were able to free him from the escalator and take him out to an ambulance on a stretcher. Steven's sister and mother sat down with us to talk about their family's loss.

[Advertisement Voice]

And I want to make sure that,

[Zach Amico]

you know, there's somebody held somebody or something held accountable for the fact that

[Advertisement Voice]

my brother wasn't protected.

[Doug Uram]

Drinking problem in a public space.

[Zach Amico]

They treated him like he didn't exist.

[Doug Uram]

Nobody cared.

[Zach Amico]

Nobody stopped.

[Doug Uram]

Nobody took the time to see, to help, to make sure he was okay.

[Zach Amico]

If somebody took that minute, he would be here today.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Someone help my public.

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

These emergency stop buttons are prominently located in a couple different spots at the bottom of the escalator. Anyone who passed by that morning could have pressed one of these and made all the difference. I'm investigative reporter Ryan Cass.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I hate that bullshit. Don't put that on the people. They're desensitized to seeing junkies passed out all over the place all the time.

[Zach Amico]

Junkies pass Out. If you disturb them, a lot of the time, they're not happy about it.

[Doug Uram]

No. They pull out a used needle and stick it in your shoulder or they swing at you.

[Zach Amico]

Yes.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It's five in the morning. These motherfuckers are trying to go to work. They don't.

[Doug Uram]

They.

[Tim McLaughlin]

You can't put that on people. That was. That's kind of shitty.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It's this motherfucker's fault for getting hammered and falling down on the escalator.

[Doug Uram]

But at the same time, it's like I would be afraid to even touch them because then they sue you for trying to help out. And if you make it worse. I'm not fucking doing that.

[Zach Amico]

I hate to say we are desensitized as a culture.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I am.

[Zach Amico]

For sure. You don't.

[Doug Uram]

No.

[Zach Amico]

Like, if it's somebody having a seizure, like a person that you can tell is not fucked up.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

On something. Yes. I've seen people help. I saw a guy have a seizure on the street and a bunch of people helped him. But if it's somebody that seems hammered

[Doug Uram]

and caught in an escalator, what are you gonna do?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, I think I've told this story on here before when I used to work in Herald Square. I'd have to go do international games at like 4 or 5 in the morning. And one morning I just see the cops poking a guy with a stick. And the cops just going, I think this motherfucker is dead.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

And I'm just like, yeah, see, you just walk by him because you just don't know.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. And they know where to poke too. There's a certain spot to poke that'll wake you right the. Up every time.

[Tim McLaughlin]

The. They also do the finger thing. Like the. They push your finger really hard when you.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, do they do that too? Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

No, really?

[Doug Uram]

I've always seen the poke. I've never seen that finger. I wouldn't want to touch the hands.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Do your sternum right here. When we were. When I used to wrestle, they said if you get in close with a guy, do the sternum right here because it really hurts.

[Zach Amico]

I did not know that, dude.

[Doug Uram]

But also, you gotta touch some homeless person. Like. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And I know this guy wasn't homeless, but he was also hammered or something more.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. And did you see the family? What, the rest of his family? It looked like that girl you were talking about at the bar, she's with a mullet.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. She had a. The, the, the, the fetal.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

But it's also just like none of those. It's none of those people's responsibility that are going to work.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, you know, I got work to get to. I'm not helping some fat old Irish drunk.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Also, it took them 30 minutes to get him out. What's one person going to do?

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah, what were you going to do? Yeah, hit the emergency stop and then what? Just stare at him and just go?

[Zach Amico]

Here's my question. Was he so fucked up that he couldn't say help maybe?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Or his clothes got on him too fast and it cut off his.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, those escalators move pretty quick, so I'm sure that was strangling where he could.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. I feel like you could signal.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, well, you can't if the clothes are pulling you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

[Doug Uram]

You know, you can't move. You like a scarecrow caught in a escalator.

[Zach Amico]

All right, well, I just wish it

[Tim McLaughlin]

wasn't an Irishman, you know?

[Zach Amico]

Of course.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

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[Doug Uram]

Has edemia.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, you gotta see this.

[Doug Uram]

Diabetic.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

I did look up to find the name of the condition. It is lymphedema.

[Doug Uram]

It is lymphedema. Ew.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Looks like a giant kiwi.

[Tim McLaughlin]

My legs big.

[Zach Amico]

The fluid kind of, like, builds up.

[Doug Uram]

Somewhere out there, there is a black guy that would still fuck her. I want to travel.

[Zach Amico]

What scares me. Mahogany. Is that fluid going somewhere else? Pause. I was born Widow.

[Tim McLaughlin]

She went from mahogany to dark brown.

[Zach Amico]

She's. It is Mahogany.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Wow.

[Zach Amico]

Dude, that's.

[Doug Uram]

No.

[Zach Amico]

Are they running out of names?

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Have we circled so far? You can't name your black daughter after a wood.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Mahogany. Yes. No. I'm buying a table.

[Zach Amico]

Kiba, by the way. Now I just have to see this man without a draw.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, this guy.

[Zach Amico]

That's an easy job.

[Doug Uram]

Still brushes.

[Listener/Caller]

He can't get water in his track.

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

You

[Doug Uram]

looks like a PEZ dispenser.

[Zach Amico]

He looks like a Hungry, Hungry Hippo. He's not a mask. I don't even know if I remember how to dance.

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

Feels like riding a bike.

[Zach Amico]

I don't know how to ride a bike, so thanks for that.

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

Y' all.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Make some noise for my friend.

[Zach Amico]

Tell me, y' all see her, too, right?

[Doug Uram]

And here's this can opener.

[Zach Amico]

Best believe I will travel out the

[Doug Uram]

country one way or another.

[Zach Amico]

Am I being foolish? Am I being stupid? Yes.

[Doug Uram]

The name's Mahogany.

[Zach Amico]

I have a dumb question.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

All right, Good. Zach, go.

[Zach Amico]

Isn't it better to just lose the leg?

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. At that point. But then that fluid's got to go somewhere else. Where? That fluid's got to go somewhere. Imagine cutting that open and you just see a tidal wave come out from the fucking doctor's office. That shit's going to fucking start coming

[Zach Amico]

out from under the doors.

[Doug Uram]

See the fucking nurse's aid with a boogie board.

[Zach Amico]

I feel like you can learn to walk on a prosthetic.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Before you're going to fix that.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. But then it's like, won't that other leg be the same way?

[Zach Amico]

I don't know. I don't know how that disease works.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It doesn't just, like, shift through your body.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I mean, if you squeezed her really hard, it would go to a different part.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

I just found her Instagram. She's a model. That one leg girl. Here's her. Here's something on her Instagram.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh.

[Doug Uram]

They put a lot of airbrushing her leg. I mean, the other half isn't that bad. It's just that Leg.

[Zach Amico]

It looks like in Nutty professor towards the end when he keeps turning back from Sherman into Buddy Love and it keeps picking different parts of his body.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Thinks if you cut the leg off, what will happen?

[Doug Uram]

Because. You know why I say that? Because it didn't start like that. It probably just started out like a ring around the ankle, and then it just kept traveling up. Right.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Well, normally you get lymphedema like this from being, like, morbidly obese, right?

[Zach Amico]

I have no idea. Did she lose weight and it just stayed in the leg?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't know.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

It's a buildup of fluid. So it does happen in, like, obese people, but sometimes can happen in, like, average people.

[Zach Amico]

I say fuck it. Keep it.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Kickball champion.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, exactly.

[Zach Amico]

Do you see that bitch pull up to a kickball? Be like, we got a ringer.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. It's like that dude who arm wrestles and his forearms are like that wide.

[Zach Amico]

I know, exactly.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. That guy's fucking amazing, man. That's fucking great.

[Zach Amico]

There's pictures of him as a little kid, and he's just got giant man arms.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, he's got Popeye forearms arms. And have you.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, the guy with the big hands.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Huge army. Oh, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He should do Power Slap.

[Doug Uram]

I think he is, isn't he? No, I thought he did. I thought they were talking about him getting into Power Slap.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, I would love.

[Tim McLaughlin]

He might be, like Cameron Poe type, where his hands are lethal weapons.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Kills a man. He's got to go on conairs.

[Zach Amico]

All right, moving on. Here's just a fun one. Off duty cop rescues toddler from claw machine.

[Doug Uram]

Like, the prize gets to take him home,

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

Mike. So it's just. I only have. I don't have a video. I just have a picture. But this is a picture of the little girl stuck in the claw machine. It said that he walked past her, and then he put a few dollars in it so he could play around with it to, like, comfort her. And then eventually he was able to, like, coax her out. And then he found her family and returned her to his. To her family.

[Doug Uram]

I think they had the same machines on Epstein Island. Get the blonde one. Ah, fuck. It's too weak. These things are rigged.

[Tim McLaughlin]

You get to pick your masseuse.

[Zach Amico]

That is a. That's a. That's a bad family.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

Yeah, I think there's something with this claw machine, because a few. Within a few months, there was another little kid that also got sneaky.

[Zach Amico]

I think the door's too big.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's every kid's dream. I would have loved to have slipped into a claw machine and grabbed as much as I could. Yeah. I mean, come on. That is.

[Zach Amico]

Have you ever seen the thing where you're the claw and they drop you into, like, a pool full of snacks?

[Doug Uram]

No.

[Zach Amico]

And you get to keep whatever you could hug.

[Doug Uram]

No. What's that?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Is this another one of those things where they hang you from your skin?

[Zach Amico]

No, no. This is like you're on a harness and they dip you in. It's like a giant thing of pride, like bags of chips and shit.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That sounds.

[Zach Amico]

And people like, yeah, y.

[Doug Uram]

That started in Japan. I. Well, that's Asians. Well, whatever. That was an Asian invention. That had to be.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, we lost him.

[Doug Uram]

Holy.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Okay, my man is goaded.

[Zach Amico]

That's just fun, dude.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, he's got him in his legs, too.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Good for him.

[Doug Uram]

Dude, I. As soon as you said that, that had Asian written all over it. That doesn't start in America. Yes, it did.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that.

[Doug Uram]

That's definitely Asian.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. We. Odds are crawl

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[Doug Uram]

All right.

[Zach Amico]

I thought this would be fun. So Jerry Seinfeld is returning to the Beacon Theater.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God.

[Zach Amico]

I thought we could go around the horn here and guess how much tickets are.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, the Beacon theater. So he only has to walk a few blocks from his house. All right, I'm trying to. I'm going to guess the cheapest ticket or the average price.

[Zach Amico]

Let's. Let's do both. Let's do cheapest and most expensive.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Most expensive. I'm saying $4,500. And then cheapest. I'm going to say it's at least 325.

[Doug Uram]

I'm going to say the cheapest. What did you say the cheapest?

[Tim McLaughlin]

325.

[Doug Uram]

I'm saying the cheapest is probably a grand, and the most expensive is probably about 3,500.

[Zach Amico]

I think there's going to be more of a discrepancy. I would say cheap. I think Tim's Got. I think it's between 3 and 400. Maybe a little less. I'm going off that front row. We're talking Springsteen prices.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Really? I'm going off regular season Knicks prices.

[Doug Uram]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I'm thinking six grand.

[Doug Uram]

Front row for Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, damn sure. That's nuts.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

So the cheapest ticket is 137.65.

[Zach Amico]

Okay, that's not bad.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

And it looks like I found. Let's see, row Double A seat 111 is 1778.

[Zach Amico]

That's way less than we thought. Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Kind of drug through the mud lately. Yeah, A few. Few young women that he dated.

[Zach Amico]

No, I mean he hasn't had a good thing ever since the show.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, that's true too.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, the B movie. What about the bee?

[Doug Uram]

Oh, the pop Tart movie. Or the breakfast cereal was dog.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. Comedians and cars getting quality was entertaining.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Sure.

[Zach Amico]

Depending on the guest.

[Doug Uram]

Norm was fucking amazing.

[Zach Amico]

He's kind of insufferable.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah. He's a douche. The marriage ref suck.

[Zach Amico]

The mad dress sucked. B movie sucked. The pop Tart movie sucked. Like he's had a real. A real line of say. I mean, if there's not proof of how brilliant Larry David is.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah, that's it.

[Zach Amico]

It's what a complete fucking dick knows of a fucking failure.

[Doug Uram]

Jerry Seinfeld could be Exactly.

[Zach Amico]

Without him.

[Doug Uram]

Dude, that. I've always said that, like in comics through the years, they always praised him. I'm like, without Larry David, he's fucking horrendous.

[Zach Amico]

He's unbearable.

[Doug Uram]

He's so bad. Like he was. Every project like you said that he came out with was fucking dog shit. And then we saw like what a non comic he really was when he had to do that. He did that HBO thing with Ornie Adams and he's rewriting his material after 19, 20 fucking years in the business and you can't come up with an hour, A new fucking hour. And then the new hour was fucking horrendous.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it was not great.

[Doug Uram]

It was so bad. It was like, how do you not think this guy sucks at everything he does? If it wasn't for Larry David, he stepped in shit.

[Zach Amico]

Had Seinfeld come out later, it just would have been like autistic Jewish guy.

[Doug Uram]

That's it. Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Zach Amico]

I don't understand.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Social implications of things.

[Doug Uram]

What's the deal with eye contact?

[Tim McLaughlin]

I'll tell you this. This is my hot.

[Zach Amico]

I don't pick up on nuances.

[Doug Uram]

I don't understand context.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't know if any bit he ever did on the show, Seinfeld was ever funny. The ones that start the show, I watch him, I go, huh, that's interesting. And then the show's about the bit. And that show is funny, but the bit was never good.

[Doug Uram]

No, he was the most overrated fucking. I remember somebody who was ahead of the curve on that was Jay Moore. Yeah, he said it on Opie and Anthony, he goes, he was the most overrated fucking comic that's ever lived. He's not, he's not funny, like. And then he started doing Seinfeld's bits, which those he didn't steal, but he started fucking doing Seinfeld bits like. As if he just like, like this is what he does. What's the deal with this? Some obscure fucking reference. And then he moves on. Yeah, that's how easy fucking it was to write.

[Zach Amico]

Showed who he was that he couldn't not shit on Bobcat.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

In the. The episode with Bridget Everett.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Let it go, dude. You're worth $1 billion.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You're mad at Bobcat.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah. Of all people. At least Bobcat had something original. Met the fucking voice and all that bullshit.

[Zach Amico]

His stand up without the voice is good.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

And he's also a good director.

[Zach Amico]

Great director.

[Doug Uram]

He has talent.

[Tim McLaughlin]

His story about the airplane, his airplane almost crashing is incredible.

[Zach Amico]

It's so. Yay, fire truck.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. Jay Moore is a. I, I don't know him. I'm sure he's a nice man, but he seems a bit like he holds a bit of a grudge.

[Zach Amico]

Well, it's Jay Moore too, because Jay Moore apparently.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, Jerry Seinfeld was mad at Bobcat.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he on Comedians and Cars, getting coffee. He's talking to Bridget Everett and he starts shitting on Bob.

[Doug Uram]

They.

[Zach Amico]

They bleep it, but you very much know who it is.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, I thought you guys were talking about Jay Moore because he's also.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, he. Well, married. Married Bobcat. Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah. But was weird.

[Zach Amico]

He would apparently reserve the entire front row of Bobcat's shows and then so that the show would be empty in the front and fuck with the show.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I don't know how true this is, but I've heard stories where he would call comedy clubs and ask how many tickets Bobcat had sold for the weekend.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Just to see if he was selling out or not.

[Doug Uram]

What a petty cunt. Yeah. Really is.

[Zach Amico]

As far as I know Bobcat and I know exactly what it is. It's that Bobcat called him out on dating a teenager way early. Yeah, he did he talked about that? Like, I want to say on a talk show, like, maybe Arsenio or one of those. Or Tonight show, like, way early.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, I think it was Arsenio, wasn't it? I remember watching the clip, but I don't remember where the fuck he was. Pretty sure it was Arsenio.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it's something. Not when he set it on fire.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah,

[Zach Amico]

that. When he set the Tonight show on fire.

[Doug Uram]

Did he?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't remember.

[Doug Uram]

Fuck, man.

[Zach Amico]

He destroyed the set of Arsenio, but that was, like, on purpose.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Like, they hired him to do that. And he set the Tonight show on fire. And he got charged with arson.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And he had to do PSAs about not starting fire. He's like, hi, I'm comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. But you know what's not funny? Arson. It was part of his, like, plea deal.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Not even if you do it in a funny voice.

[Zach Amico]

I can't do the voice. He has a. I thought I could.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I really did for a second.

[Zach Amico]

There's a great clip of him on, I want to say, Harmon Town or another podcast, and it's him and Robin Williams, and it's Bobcat describing doing the Gathering of the Juggalos. And it's so. Fuck. As someone who's done it twice now.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It's so fucking accurate and funny.

[Doug Uram]

I got to watch this on my.

[Zach Amico]

Which is like. It's just literally like. Yeah. A clown in a fucking golf cart picks you up. Upchuck, the clown picks you up in a golf cart, and he's explaining the gig. He's like, hey, man, it's just like the Dave Matthews Band. They're just fans that love them, and, you know, there's no fight. It's all love. He goes. And then out of nowhere, a can of Faygo soda whizzes by and beans him in the head. And he just goes, I'm hurt, and

[Doug Uram]

pulls over the golf cart.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we got a couple more little things. Here's a fun one. Do we have the. The manhole video, or is that just a story?

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, no, the lady from the other day.

[Doug Uram]

Okay. She fell into a manhole.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Died. Yeah. In Midtown. RIP happening.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That was an Escalade situation. I think she stepped out of her Escalade and fell down.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we'll do this one then, and we'll close on it. And this is just a man. This will ruin your day. Oh, live frog found in salad bag.

[Doug Uram]

I'd be happy to see that. A cute little frog.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I Don't know.

[Zach Amico]

I'd be. I'd be remiss.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, of course it's in Australia.

[Listener/Caller]

Honestly, so many about it being AI, I feel like it's actually wild, the fact that we really don't.

[Zach Amico]

I think it's New Zealand.

[Doug Uram]

Australia doesn't have food right now.

[Zach Amico]

It was just. He was just chilling in the bag. I think he was having a hell of a time. Really? Yeah. Lucky the bag had a few people

[Tim McLaughlin]

was telling me it was AI. I said, hey, I got a frog in me bag.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. No, he's enjoying it.

[Doug Uram]

Have you opened it up?

[Listener/Caller]

All credit to our flatmate. Say it's their lettuce. And they came home and he's just in the kitchen cooking up, and then he's like, bro, there's a frog on my lettuce. He's one of the most relaxed Australians you'd ever find. Honestly, it was hilarious. He brought it in, showed everyone, and we were all screaming about it, having a laugh.

[Zach Amico]

And yes, not every day. There's a frog in the salad. Sounds like a. A term that they use to, like, let you know there's someone of a different race at the party.

[Doug Uram]

He got a frog in the salad.

[Zach Amico]

There's a frog in the salad.

[Doug Uram]

We got a black bean in the pinto beans.

[Zach Amico]

Is a frog in the salad.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Everybody, watch where you stepping. You don't want to step on the frog's J. Jordans.

[Zach Amico]

Turn you turn your rings around. There's a frog in the cell.

[Doug Uram]

Tuck in your purse. Got a frog in the sailor wallet in the front.

[Zach Amico]

Pork if there's a frog in the ceiling.

[Doug Uram]

Saw a video from Long Branch. Ton of frogs jumping off course.

[Zach Amico]

All right, well, we'll end it on this. And just to give everybody a little bit more anxiety for the day.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, me.

[Zach Amico]

Six flags Passengers stranded 245ft in the air.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God. That's what they need as they're going out of business.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I always wonder about this.

[Zach Amico]

And then.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I always hope you're never upside down.

[Zach Amico]

That. Yeah, that would be. I think you upside down. I don't think you can be upside down that long. I think that fucks you up.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

What's his name? Or was he faking that shit?

[Tim McLaughlin]

David Blaine.

[Doug Uram]

David Blaine. Yeah. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

I bet you could train. Yeah, he does do crazy shit.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah, we got a frog upside down doing magic.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, they're out of the thing. Yeah. Yeah, I think the car stalled and they had a.

[Doug Uram]

What Six Flags Is this.

[Zach Amico]

Fuck this dude.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, my God. I would be shitting myself. And then we'd all slip on the shit.

[Zach Amico]

I would be sitting in the. In the roller coaster going, come get me tomorrow.

[Doug Uram]

It's Six Flags. They can't even make it fun. Like, give you a big slide to slide down.

[Zach Amico]

I'm.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I.

[Zach Amico]

That's horrifying.

[Doug Uram]

Where is this?

[Ryan Cass (Investigative Reporter)]

What?

[Zach Amico]

Shannon, Was there a location on that?

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

It's like, Texas.

[Doug Uram]

Texas. Okay.

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

And they said that there was a power outage that affected a bunch of the rides on the. In the park. And so, yeah, they just lost power and they had to evacuate.

[Zach Amico]

Wow. That. All right, we'll do one more thing. Because it's the zoo, and apparently my family has relocated because mutant super pig population spirals out of control in Japanese nuclear fallout zones. Oh, my God. Now, I'm not saying Hiroshima. We need to start doing those helicopter rides with a machine with a minigun.

[Doug Uram]

Oh, yeah. Those look fun.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, boy. What a fun video game it would be.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And now let's make the mutant super pigs.

[Doug Uram]

Dude. That would be so much fun. This is in Japan.

[Zach Amico]

It would appear to be Shannon.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Are they doing, like, a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles situation?

[Shannon (Producer/Assistant)]

So it's in the nuclear fallout zone near the Fukushima power plant. And so there's not, you know, obviously, a lot of people in the area. So domestic pigs escaped abandoned farmlands and started to breed with indigenous feral boars. And what that did when their genes mixed is it made the feral boars be able to reproduce more quickly because they have, like, different schedules, both pigs. So they're just. They have, like, most of the features of the boar, except for the fact that they are making new babies over and over and over again quickly.

[Zach Amico]

And do we have any photos?

[Doug Uram]

That's what happened here. Yeah, that's exactly what I.

[Tim McLaughlin]

There's a video of a pig opening a door Jurassic park style. That looks pretty cool. I mean, they're really mean.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they're.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah, they're nasty.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, they're big.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. So my buddy owned a pig, and it would always bite everybody.

[Doug Uram]

It was.

[Tim McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

Pigs are nasty bastards.

[Zach Amico]

It's. So I've said this fact on the show before. I think if a pig gets out, like, of its habit, like, at the farm, and goes and joins a feral pig community.

[Doug Uram]

It grows the tusks and the black hair. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And the black. It naturally turns into one. Right.

[Doug Uram]

And it happens in six fucking months is when they can go from domesticated to feral. It's that goddamn quick.

[Tim McLaughlin]

It's like what happened to Chet Hanks when he went to Jamaica.

[Zach Amico]

You see, he's full, like, fucking hiccup country now, is he?

[Doug Uram]

Oh, God. But that's what he would be if he wasn't trying to be a Rastafarian. He would be like a country bumper.

[Zach Amico]

Can you look up Chet Hanks? There's a video of Tom Hanks hanging out at one of his concerts.

[Doug Uram]

He's finally in his own lane.

[Zach Amico]

And, dude, you got. I mean, this is such pandering horseshit that he saw, like, Jelly Roll and Jason Aldean and all this dog shit. And he was like, oh, here's a great way to make money off of stupid people.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, there's no one in country that panders harder than Jason Aldean. Not one person.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I mean, the song Flyover States is one of the biggest piles of dog shit I've ever heard. This is.

[Doug Uram]

This.

[Zach Amico]

This. This is a night. Dressed like Woody. Hold up, cowboy. You just never know. Hold up, cowboy. This guy was Jamaican last year. A year this guy was Jamaican. Getting in fucking domestic disputes.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

With a woman fucking as black as possible.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

And now this. Just start the beginning of the song again, and we'll leave all that. This guy went from Jamaican to this, and no one questions. It.

[Doug Uram]

Gives me the chills.

[Zach Amico]

Listen, I don't tell anybody what, cowboy. I don't tell anyone what they should like, what they should listen to. I think taste in comedy and music, whatever, is subjective. And if it makes you happy, it makes you happy. And I don't like to yuck other people's yummy. If you fall for that.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You are a moron.

[Doug Uram]

You're a complete douche.

[Zach Amico]

You are a fucking idiot walking the earth. Yeah. You are getting fingered at the Port Authority by homeless black. Homeless black guy. And your pussy stinks.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

You.

[Doug Uram]

You gassed out the entire subway station.

[Zach Amico]

You are an idiot, and you don't deserve ears.

[Doug Uram]

No, dude, that is. And the thing is, is, like, he has unlimited amount of money to rent out any venue he wants because of his father.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

And he could pay people to be there and act like he's living his fucking dream of being a fucking country star or a reggae star or whatever the fuck he's into now, but he's neither.

[Zach Amico]

He grew up with his dad fucking Tom Hanks.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He's not a fucking cowboy, and he's not your man. Pick a thing.

[Doug Uram]

Yeah.

[Tim McLaughlin]

I also think it kind of goes to show how good of a dad Tom Hanks is for even being seen.

[Doug Uram]

He's not a good dad. That is not being a good father. Like your son, if he keeps switching identities, that means he has no idea who he is. Like, that's not good parenting.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Doug Uram]

If you're trying to figure out, okay, now I'm a Jamaican and now I'm a country star. Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

If he was a good dad, there would be one of those big pianos on the stage that he steps on. Like, big. Come out and do a piano solo in the middle.

[Tim McLaughlin]

That would be so sick.

[Zach Amico]

That would be pretty cool.

[Tim McLaughlin]

And you're getting people in the. In the door.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. That's how you do it.

[Doug Uram]

That's what you have to do.

[Zach Amico]

All right, we're wrapping up there. Thank you so much to Tim McLaughlin and Doug Uram. Please check out the great Hang podcast with him and Micah Fox. Check out no offense with Doug Uram. And we'll be back with a very funny bonus episode this Friday. And sincerely, thank you to everyone in the booth for all your hard work. I love you guys. Bye.

[Show Intro/Outro Announcer]

The fun's begun. No sleeping. Noon is morning time to him. Papa Baco Chugging it down just like your favorite OB clown. Grab a call and join the crew. It's a morning go work work morning too.

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