0129. KP Burke and Boris Khaykih

Summary

Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo Episode 0129: KP Burke and Boris Khaykin
GaS Digital Network | July 19, 2026

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Episode Overview

This rowdy episode of Zac Amico’s Morning Zoo brings together comedians KP Burke and Boris Khaykin for a morning packed with wild personal stories, deranged takes on the news, barroom-level honesty, and the reliable chaos emblematic of the show. The crew veers from TMI tales of vasectomy recovery to deep dives into shady motel culture, the weird world of drink red-flags, and even police bodycam footage. Listeners get an unfiltered, hilarious look at the lowbrow–and sometimes, surprisingly insightful–conversations found nowhere else on morning radio.

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Cast

• Host: Zac Amico (“B” in transcript)
• Guests: KP Burke (“C”), Boris Khaykin (“A”)
• Producer/Booth Presence: Shannon (“D”)

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Highlights & Key Segments

1. [01:29] KP’s Vasectomy & "Countdown to Zero"

• TMI Humor: Immediately, KP opens up about his vasectomy recovery. The group riffs endlessly on the post-op “20-load countdown” before he is officially sterile. Bacchanalian jokes (“Risk free!” “It’s forbidden nuts, right?”) set the episode’s tone.
• KP, on Post-Op Rules:
  "I can still knock her up for the next 20 times." (01:18)
• Zac: "You guys gonna do a little roulette? Little Russian roulette?" (02:21)
• KP on partner’s impatience:
  "Carly has been aggressive because she knows it’s forbidden." (01:48)

2. [04:10] "Load-Bearing Cum" & Laundry Solutions

• The group goes all out on bodily fluid humor–debating the washability, staining, and “tie-dye” strategies for hiding evidence.
• KP: "It looked like little ghosts... which, in a way, they are." (04:32)
• Zac: "That's load-bearing cum." (05:08)

3. [05:10] Plugs, Specials, Coming Live Dates

• KP: Teases a darkly comic American Loser episode about plotting Louis J. Gomez’s murder using a CIA manual.
• Zac: Announces his special coming next month & appearance at the Gathering of the Juggalos. "If you ever wanted to see me hatebreed, Tech9, Farside, Vanilla Ice..." (06:17)
• Boris: Promotes his socials (@heborisk).

4. [07:17] High as a Kite: Zac’s Bonus Episode Gaffe

• Zac confesses to showing up “way too high” for a bonus episode, resulting in “giggling and talking about music videos... really wasted some people’s time.” (06:56)
• Recounts showing friend Priya Blounts absurd motel pranks (Meet the Creeps).

5. [09:24] Viral Clip: Nose-Breaker Baby

• They break down a viral video of a baby headbutting a mom, tangenting into personal stories of being injured by their own kids.
• Zac: "That was a soccer hooligan head start. You need to hurt the first one really bad, right?" (09:28)

6. [11:00] Motel Anecdotes & Jersey Dirtbag Culture

• KP and Boris take turns swapping stories about living or working near sketchy motels—hugely populated by "welders, hookers, and ex-cons."
• KP: "Enjoy getting railed out on the motel room furniture you live on." (11:37)
• Zac: “Welders are a peculiar animal. It’s a high-paying gig for very hard labor... Danger aspect to it, you know.” (13:56)

7. [15:00] Old-Man Strength: Dad Wrestling Stories

• Zac and KP share personal experiences wrestling with their “old man strong” fathers.
• Zac: "He was already the strongest man in the world from Pete and Pete. That’s my dad’s old man body." (15:18)

8. [16:32] Outrageous GPA & Stereotypes

• The group riffs on an Indian student earning an “11.99 GPA.” Shannon explains it’s a stackable scoring system (44 advanced classes!).
• Zac: “If this kid is not Indian…” (16:16)
• KP: “Even number now. Almost as many as this kid has points in his GPA.” (18:11)

9. [19:27] Juvenile Justice: Kids Pranking Sex Offenders

• Zac introduces a clip of teens using the sex offender registry to ding-dong-ditch offenders. They marvel at the nerve—and stupidity—of the stunt, and dissect what details are public in the registry.
• KP: “[Those] boys have committed the perfect crime.” (21:06)
• Zac: "It's very funny, but if you get got... it's a high risk." (23:39)

10. [25:47] Cross-Cultural Bathroom Hygiene

• Stories from travel (India, Pakistan) about squatting toilets, bidets, and hand-wiping customs lead to a debate over bodily cleanliness and Western biases.

11. [29:16] Body Cam Segment: Police Use-of-Force

• The crew watches a Baltimore bodycam video of police shooting a knife-wielding would-be rapist who had just stolen a dog. Discussion centers on “appropriate force” and public, knee-jerk outrage.
• Zac: "There's a reason something like that is called suicide by cop." (32:20)
• Shannon: Supplies background, “He stole a dog, dragged a woman, threatened her. The cop told him to get on the ground and drop the knife…” (31:18)

12. [34:16] Dog Fights, Animal Culture & Morality

• The comedians debate animal cruelty, dog fighting, and how cultural and family backgrounds affect attitudes toward animals. (34:16–37:38)
• KP: "You ever just realize, oh, we have no shared values whatsoever." (33:37)
• Zac: "Some people... the dog wasn't allowed in the house. The dog lived in my dad's shop." (35:44)

13. [40:27] Red Flag Bar Orders

Red Flags Discussed:

• Lone football watcher ordering white zinfandel (41:07)
• Long Island Iced Teas & Mojitos (43:45, 44:54)
• Shots: Lemon drop, Green tea, Flaming, Vodka + Red Bull (46:55, 54:44)
• Novelty drinks (Malort, Cement Mixer) (56:02, 56:19)
• Fireball (“took the place of Jaeger” for a new generation) (55:51)

Memorable Quotes:

• Shannon: “If somebody orders a Long Island Iced Tea, I automatically label them a garbage person...” (43:29)
• Zac: “Anyone who puts their fingers in the garnish thing and tries to take olives... It is unacceptable.” (63:16)
• KP: “Last thing they want to think about, is, are these dirty olives that are in here?” (64:12)

Drink Hacks

• Butter before drinking (Ukrainian tradition) (61:30)
• Pedialyte to prevent hangovers (60:44)

14. [65:00] Cultural Curiosities & Milky Booze ("Arak" & Sambuca)

• Shannon and KP dig into why certain liquors turn milky when mixed with water or ice, landing on anise oil science and cultural quirks.

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Notable Quotes

• KP on handling post-vasectomy freedom: “It’s forbidden nuts, right?” (02:08)
• Zac on stained shirts: "That shirt is 80% cummings." (04:57)
• Zac on red flag drinks: "For me, lemon drop shots. That’s like college kids or, like, an annoying bachelorette party." (47:07)
• Boris on theft and guilt: “I never stole anything... but I stole the 18 [blue cheese olives]. Three hours later, just both ends destroying this port. I couldn’t look those people in the eye ever again.” (61:50)
• KP, solemn wisdom: “You ever just realize, oh, we have no shared values whatsoever?” (33:37)

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Useful Timestamps

| Segment | Description | Timestamp | |---|---|---| | Vasectomy Countdown | KP's 20-load vasectomy rundown | 01:29–04:10 | | Motel Life & Welders | Blue-collar chaos and scams | 11:00–15:00 | | Headbutt Video | Baby violence | 09:12–09:40 | | High on Edibles | Zac's bonus episode mishap | 07:17–07:51 | | Red Flag Drinks | Judgments and horror stories from behind the bar | 40:27–64:00 | | Body Cam Video | Debate over police shooting, backstory by Shannon | 29:16–33:08 | | Gross Bar Behavior | The unforgivable offense: hands in garnish tray | 63:16–64:36 |

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Tone & Style

• Unhinged, irreverent, raunchy
• Heavy on off-color, body-related humor
• Blue-collar, barroom camaraderie, almost no subject off-limits
• Mix of gross-out, confessional, and sharp societal observations

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For New Listeners

This episode is a perfect sample of Zac Amico's Morning Zoo at its wildest–a mashup of comics riffing with no filter, going from absurd, bodily TMI to thought-provoking (if offbeat) social takes. If you want traditional morning radio, look elsewhere; if you crave B-movie energy and degenerate camaraderie, put this on your commute—but maybe not around your kids.

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Transcript

[A]

Fill her up.

[B]

You're listening to the gas digital network.

[A]

Fill her up.

[B]

You're listening to the gas digital network. Wake up, it's time to go Zach Amico's got a show Animals are here to play Jokes and guests to start your day Tell the sandman no more sleep Eat some eggs and cook some beef Laug is waiting don't be shy Stretch your legs and touch the sky Grab a coffee and join the crew It's Zach Amico. Morning suit. Oh, look at that. I'm see through again. I'm sorry. Shannon. Hi, it's me, your other boy, the international superstar. We're coming to you live from New York City here at the GAS Digital Studios. And welcome to Zach Amico's Morning Zoo. I am joined by two very funny, talented gentlemen. Across the table from me, our good friend. Glad to have him back, Boris Hyken. How you doing, dog?

[A]

I'm doing great. How are you?

[B]

I'm wonderful. And next to him from the American Loser Podcast, our good friend, K.P. burke. How you doing, buddy?

[C]

Always happy to see you, buddy.

[B]

I am thrilled to see you, kp. Big news. Vasectomy.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I thought we were gonna talk wrestling.

[B]

No, no, no. We're talking about your cum. So you're. You're. You're one day away from going back into regular activity.

[C]

Yeah, it's like the bruise is mostly gone now. I can see the little incisions where they made it. That's kind of a trippy feeling. And then we're one day away. And it's. My theory is when women can't have something, they want it a million times more. That's an old cl. Carly has been aggressive because she knows it's. It's forbidden.

[A]

Risk free.

[C]

Yeah, it's forbidden. Nuts, right? Yeah. I don't know if you knew this.

[B]

Not allowed.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, you get. I told Stanley this. It's about 20 loads you have left in the chamber.

[B]

Yeah, 20.

[C]

I can still knock her up for the next 20 times.

[A]

You guys gonna do a little roulette? Little Russian roulette?

[C]

I think that's the right move, right?

[B]

Spray and pray.

[C]

Yeah, it's more like hasidic roulette or something like that. Yeah, yeah. How many can we get in the bag?

[B]

Yeah, you gotta make them count. Either that or she starts talking, saying, listen, you got 20 left. We're making them count.

[C]

I wondered about that. And then.

[B]

Are you gonna. Are you gonna waste one of North Howler?

[C]

I didn't. I don't think I did yet. But I was. I was watching a Kate Beckinsale movie from the 90s yesterday, and she shows her boobs in it. So it might be 19.

[B]

It might be 19.

[C]

Pretty sure. I just finished in my own gym.

[A]

Wedgering to that night.

[C]

It was bad. 93. Winslet was not Winslet. Beckinsale was Beckinsale. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Now, are you expecting a change in consistency or a volume?

[C]

Was she.

[A]

It looks like cereal milk now.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, there's a. I'm sure it's.

[B]

You can taste. There used to be honey nuts in it.

[C]

I feel like they changed something. There's something about it. It's really. It's inflation.

[B]

Poops, all berries.

[C]

She's worried there's gonna be blood in it.

[B]

And I was like, there was a terrible accident. The cum factor.

[C]

Oh, man. Yeah, it's the. It's terrifying. I don't know what's going to happen when we go there. They also one thing said, wait two weeks. But I know Carly. She's counting down.

[B]

Oh, God bless you, buddy.

[C]

She's. She's more than I can handle, Zach.

[B]

No, you got this. You're. You're a hardworking man, and I want to stay happy for you.

[A]

Stay here with us for a little bit. Escape.

[B]

No, that'll go home with 17.

[C]

Yeah, it's true, too. That's true, too. I got to always be careful. If Shannon gives me too aggressive of a hug right now, we can.

[B]

You gotta watch out.

[C]

Yeah. We're. We're at a solid 17 after.

[B]

It's probably easier to wash out now, though.

[C]

I. I would think so. Right?

[B]

Yeah. Right.

[C]

I'm hoping. Is it going to stain? Like, you ever, back in the day, had the rag you'd clean up with.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then I. I've had to turn over a couch cushion or two.

[C]

Yeah. Every. Every.

[B]

Your mom always noticed. You never think your mom's gonna notice, and you turn over a couch cushion, and then the second she sees it, she's like, what's up with the fucking couch?

[A]

You came on. It didn't.

[C]

Well, I had a white T shirt I was using for it, and then I didn't realize it, but it stains. So it actually would leave, like, little, tiny. It looked like little ghosts or whatever, so. Which, in a way, they are.

[A]

Your best bet is tie dye. That's why Zach's wearing that shirt right now.

[B]

Yeah. It's your best bet.

[C]

Tie dye really is. You're ahead of the game yet again, buddy.

[B]

When people, like, spray bleach on black T shirts, that's the look.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

That's the crust punk look. That way you can never know there's cum on a shirt.

[A]

That shirt is 80% Cummings.

[B]

Hey, this shirt came out of the plastic from King Size today.

[C]

Yeah, but it's binding cum that come has tensile strings.

[A]

Yes, that's load bearing cum.

[B]

Yeah, you can put bricks together with it. Let's get plugs out of the way. Kp, tell people what you want them to check out.

[C]

All right, so not this weekend, but the next. Me and the great Chris Faga are co headlining at Tri State Comedy Club which is up in White Plains, New York. We're very excited about that. Got a couple of the road dates coming up too. Everything's on Punch Up Live. Check out America Loser podcast. I'll tease it right now if I can. Next episode we're going to use a CIA manual that I found from the 50s and we're going to plot the murder of Louis J. Gomez. Way easier than he thinks.

[B]

I didn't even know I was gonna be on. That's Boris. What do you want people to check out?

[A]

Just check out heborisk on all the Internet things.

[B]

Fantastic. Instagram. Zach is not funny. Punchup Live. Zachamiko. Taking a little break. My special comes out next month and the same week my special comes out, I'll be at the gathering of the Juggalos. That's right. Have you ever wanted to see me hate breed? Tech9 far side Vanilla Ice.

[A]

Wait. Far sides at fucking gather. Good. Chuglows.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's awesome. I saw Farside at Brooklyn bowl like a couple months ago.

[B]

Very, very good bed. And Millie Vanilli's dead. But Millie will be there. I'll be there. Come hang out. And if you're watching the show and you want to Support, go to Gastigital.com today. Use my promo code Zoo. You save a little bit of money off your subscription. You get your episodes early ad free and uncensored. You get access to the live chat, the archives, thousands of hours of all your favorite Cash shows from over the past decade and you get our Friday bonus episode. And I will tell you I showed up way too high yesterday when we pre taped that. So it was mostly an episode of me giggling and talking about music videos that I want Shannon to put on. Really, really wasted some people's time yesterday.

[C]

That's what we do in the lobby every Tuesday when I come in and hang with you.

[B]

And then I made Priya Blood's watch. Jim, we you can hit the the plug Music I made Priya Blounts watch in its entirety the Meet the Creeps when Jim Florentine and Don Jameson go to different motels and do upper deckers and then call the Indian guy at the front desk and say there's something wrong with the toilet. And then just go into a new room and immediately do another upper decker and watch Indian motel owners.

[C]

Priya having a lot. I want her to be like, oh my uncle, this is good.

[B]

She said she was so afraid of seeing somebody she knew. Yeah, I was. I. I had. Oh, I, I over served myself trying to sleep Monday evening and believe it or not, do not have the fastest metabolism. So sometimes if I take a shitload of edibles trying to go to sleep, they then don't hit me till about five in the morning and then I'm high the whole next day.

[C]

Oofah.

[B]

And oh boy, was I. I was so high I was holding onto the walls of my building trying to leave.

[C]

Tolerance is pretty legendary too, so this had to be something to behold.

[B]

Yeah, I was, I was floating yesterday. But we have a bunch of funny shit to look at today. This one. This isn't news. This isn't a viral video. This is simply. It made me laugh so fucking hard. It is three seconds. KP is for you. Now that you are a father. Now that. Now that you are a father of your own little one. This. This is just a mother and her baby. And it made me laugh. I watched this 85 times yesterday while

[C]

I was now excited. Oh, it's Alex.

[B]

I'mma you up.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

That is so such a nose break.

[C]

That was the. I heard the crack.

[A]

That was hit like that for sure.

[B]

A clear. That was a soccer hooligan head start. A fight at a bar with 20 people. So you need to hurt the first one really bad, right?

[A]

Make an impression.

[B]

Who you got headbutted like that?

[A]

Yeah, my daughter's done it a bunch, but backwards. Like she'll be sitting on my lap and then all of a sudden feels like spasm like that. And I've gotten smacked quite a few times in the nose.

[B]

My best friend's got a kid and he's a rambunctious boy and he throws out headbutts pretty hard.

[A]

Yeah, the boys are worse. The boys are worse for sure.

[B]

So I just wanted to like, can we watch? Dude, the first of all, this kid's got no chance. This is not a good situation.

[A]

Who's saying that? It's the.

[C]

The mom is. I believe this is the mom.

[B]

Whoever this woman is just imma you up?

[A]

Is she saying that?

[B]

She says, I'm gonna you up.

[A]

Okay. I like, don't see her lips move.

[B]

This is not a good situation. The recently plugged in lava lamp.

[C]

Oh, I see you.

[B]

You were able to bring it back. You don't have to.

[A]

I didn't see her lips move. I thought it was somebody off camera saying, it better not.

[B]

I'mma you up.

[A]

Yeah, I guess it is.

[B]

Yeah, Please.

[A]

Well, then she kind of deserves it.

[C]

Ranch dressing on a dressing.

[B]

Full ranch dress dressing on the dress. This makes me think hotel.

[C]

Oh, these are motel people.

[B]

I think. I mean, I.

[C]

Right on.

[B]

I think that looks like a motel room. I could be wrong.

[C]

We had a. I had a crazy roommate in Wall Township for a little while and she was. She was mental, but she disappeared and then she was breaking up with her boyfriend. So she had, she had already been kicked out of our house at that point. Taken out by the cops on Christmas Eve. It was great. And then her and her boyfriend were fighting via social media and she started posting thirst traps and saying, he has no idea who's on his way here to meet me right now. And she's just talking about getting railed out or whatever. And then the guy finally stood up for himself and he goes, enjoy getting railed out on the motel room furniture that you live on. And that's when we looked in the background. We're like, oh, this girl's living in like an off season shit motel. Like this is. You're not. What you thought was your big flex on the guy is like, no, you're. You're literally just a whore not getting paid.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you're a terrible entrepreneur. When I used to work for my dad welding, they would bring in guys from down south for the season when they had a lot of work and they would all live in the same strip motel. And it was on our way to work. And first of all, I remember them gathering everyone that worked there one time and going, who here has a bank account? And me at 18 was one of two of 20.

[A]

They use a check cashing spots. Yeah, yeah. My first job. Not my first, but like one of my first jobs, I worked at that telemarketing company that they made a documentary about. Telemarketers.

[B]

Oh, I don't know about this.

[A]

In New Brunswick, New Jersey. It was like a scam. And it was a bigger scam than I'd realized. Everyone there except for me and two friends were like ex convicts basically. And they all went to the check cashing spot afterwards when they Got their paychecks and that's just what I thought people did. So for like years after that I would take my paycheck to check cashing spots until I learned the proper thing is to go to the bank.

[B]

We would drive by the motel and it was the Mondays were always the day because you would see all the hookers getting fucking swept out by management, all doing their walk down because all the welders would have zero dollars. They would ask me for lunch money by Monday or Tuesday because they blew through their whole check.

[C]

Welders are a peculiar animal. That's that auto mechanics. Pretty scummy that way too. There was one in Springfield, New Jersey. It's a Subaru dealership. It has a little strip motel behind it and it was, it was like an open market bazaar for whatever you wanted. Like my buddy went in to buy steroids and he came out with, he goes, well, I got the steroids for free, but I just have to move this coke for this guy. And then the steroids are free.

[B]

No, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So he literally, he went in there looking for steroids, came out with a job.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

Good on him.

[B]

Certain jobs are a, the best thing you can get with a criminal record. So welder, it's a high paying gig for very hard labor. I would compare. It's not like, you know, you're not fucking Alaskan crab fishing or ice road trucking. But there is a danger aspect to it. You know. I remember growing up and every once in a while one of dad's co workers wasn't coming home.

[A]

Oh, like that.

[B]

Yeah, because they worked on the water.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

My dad's a marine welder and they were out on docks and shit and you know, you got a few Sam phone calls.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, I was thinking just like a burn or something, you know.

[B]

Oh no, you're constantly hurting yourself. But then yeah, out on the water gets a little dicey.

[A]

I got a welder I worked with in Pennsylvania and he's like a pretty upstanding guy, but also he's like kind of jacked up but like makes fun of dudes who go to the gym and thinks they're all gay. It's just like vanity to him, you know, where he's just like, his forms are fucking massive because he's just like Holland steel.

[B]

My dad recently worked out, I think on an actual machine for the first time in his life. He's been ripped my whole life just from like doing man work. Yeah, My dad, he's like already the strongest man in the world from Pete and Pete.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like, that's. That's my dad's like old man body.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's so fucking. He's so strong.

[C]

I don't think my father still.

[B]

I don't. Yeah, I don't think I.

[C]

He's 74, about to be 75. And I would still have to have a very good planned.

[B]

When I was in high school wrestling shape, I could at least thwart him. I could defend myself. And I did separate his shoulder.

[C]

You got a shot in on him or what?

[B]

Just he. We would pretty intense wrestling battles, and I threw him over my shoulder. I grabbed him by the wrist of the bicep and he no sold it. And then he tried. He went to a charity bowling thing and realized his arm was completely out of socket.

[A]

That was a proud day for him.

[B]

Yeah, he was. He told everybody how it happened.

[C]

That is awesome.

[A]

My boy's all growing up.

[C]

That's a milestone. That's what they would call that for sure. A kid at that has. He pulled your arm out of its sock?

[B]

All right, so we got a bunch of other shit to look at today. I thought this would be fun. This is a. Because we do like to make fun and I do like to play my Indians versus game. But we don't know. You know, there's another side to that of positive stereotypes. Florida students historic 11.99 GPA triggers district policy overhaul. If this kid is not Indian. 1199 GPA.

[A]

How's that mathematically feasible?

[B]

I can't figure it out.

[A]

4.0 is a perfect GPA. I know you could get slightly above that. Like in the decimals.

[B]

Yes. And I can't figure it out.

[A]

Or is it 5.0?

[B]

No, it was 4.0. As long as I've known.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Shannon, explain it to us.

[D]

Okay, so it does seem. I. I also thought that 4.0 was the highest, but it does seem like 5.0 is the scale at least currently the scale. The kid is Indian. I'll show you that real quick. This is him.

[A]

The kid is.

[C]

Damn.

[D]

And so what they do is in this school or in this district.

[B]

Because he's Indian. Is it? Technically, it's 11.99.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

Man.

[D]

So in this district, they allow them to stack classes. So it's kind of like an accumulative score instead of an average. And so this kid was taking like 44 different advanced classes in his last term. So that's why they're able to it. But they said it's the equivalent of about 4.93 on the standard 5.0 scale.

[C]

Shannon, I'm sorry, and you know how much respect and fondness I have for you, but if you're going to use ASMR. Voice in my ear right now, down to 16 loads. Okay, just let me know.

[B]

16, 16.

[C]

Even number now. Almost as many as this kid has points in his gp,

[B]

he's got a pass. You're going to cross.

[C]

It's a punch card. That's what we're going to have at the house.

[B]

You get a free one on every time.

[C]

Technically, the 20th one will be where I'm like, oh, all the rest for the rest of my life are free.

[B]

Yeah, free.

[C]

You know, figure it out.

[B]

Jersey Mike's come up with that sucking system.

[C]

That would be it. If you should. Also, I feel like if I got a vasectomy, they should be like, remember, remember, like with the pandemic times. If you got your inoculations, I'm using all the code words.

[A]

You get like some gift or something.

[C]

You could have got Chipotle or something. It was fries from someplace or something. And then like, I always thought if you held out long enough, you could have negotiated your student debt down. It never got to that. Everybody folded. But if they. They should do something. For people that got vasectomies, there should be like, you know, they should make it.

[A]

So now every time you come, it

[C]

goes, woo, boop, boop, buddy. It might. I'm a little terrified.

[B]

I don't know what it's going to do. I do that every time he comes. I run in a circle on the floor, on my belly.

[A]

You're like the Corsican brothers. He comes.

[B]

Hubba, hubba. Okay, we got other dumb shit going on here. This one really fucking. This is another. This is so dumb. And I could tell I was really high sending Shannon some of these yesterday. I'm sorry. A group of kids go around and they're using the sex offender registry to ding dong ditch people. They're just ringing pervert store bells and running. Hey.

[C]

Hey, miss. Doesn't Michael live there? No.

[D]

We have some.

[B]

We have a prize to give him. He won a prize?

[D]

What prize?

[B]

For the fair?

[D]

Yeah, it's the national sex offender registry prize. But if you come to my house again, my neighbor right here is a police officer. Okay.

[A]

And tell her that you guys are

[D]

begging on my door.

[C]

Well, your husband is a pedophile.

[A]

What is your name?

[B]

My name is Ezekiel Zelensky. And your name is?

[A]

Mike.

[C]

Cock. My cock.

[D]

What's your name?

[B]

Lyric Zelensky. Yeah. No, this is just.

[D]

I'm a resident at my house, and

[B]

I have some little kids that are

[D]

coming and banging on my door because my husband is registered. That sounds horrible.

[C]

These kids are great.

[B]

Dude, that's hilarious.

[C]

Those boys have committed the perfect crime.

[A]

She volunteered the reasoning, too. Like, leave the sex offender thing out.

[B]

My husband happens to be on the sex offender registry.

[A]

I don't know what's in their hearts, but they say they're doing it because my husband's a sex offender.

[B]

Yeah. I think they're just up to no good.

[C]

You knew she was gonna be loyal and fight those fights, though. Cause she didn't leave him.

[B]

Yeah. That's a ride or die.

[C]

You got to find one like that. That's. I don't think I could pull that one off, but I'd like to think.

[B]

Now, Shannon, when you're not expecting you to know this off the top of your head, if you're on the registry, does it say what it's for?

[A]

I don't think so. Right.

[B]

Or you just.

[D]

Because I'm pretty sure no.

[B]

So that's. And, you know, I hate to. I hate to ask. To always be devil's advocate.

[A]

Well, I was going to say that it probably isn't something good. Otherwise. Should be like. You know, you think if she's already volunteering, she's a sexy. You think she'd be like, to the kids, you know, actually, he was just pissing, and it was near a school zone, and it was really. You know, she'd, like, try to explain.

[B]

That's a lot to explain to a kid on a bicycle as he goes by, though, right?

[C]

There's no way. He's not actually bad.

[B]

There was a school right there. No kids, I was thinking.

[A]

And that's like, the shorter versions of that, you know, like, there's even crazier, like, entrapment stories where the guy's, like, just, like, clinically retarded.

[B]

And they're like, half those videos where they get people to meet up with them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, oh, this guy ain't operating on a full.

[A]

Right. He doesn't have an adult's brain. Actually, not to excuse it, but he's not a pedophile.

[B]

But he doesn't. I don't think he understands the replica. The. The. Yeah, the repercussions. Repercussions, obviously. Repercussions. Yes. Repercussions of his actions. And he was probably pretty easy to target and lure. Yeah.

[D]

By the way, I'm a liar. It does list their exact Convictions.

[B]

Okay, good. That makes a difference.

[A]

But even that. But even that, it's the conviction. It's not like, you know, like a conviction can still not tell you what exactly happened.

[D]

It also, it says there's a risk level where they assign a tier 1 through 3, indicating the likelihood of reoffending.

[C]

Yes. How many tears the kid had during the incident.

[B]

That's actually. It's pronounced tears.

[C]

I love podcasting with you.

[B]

All right. That is if you are kids and you literally look up pedophiles and you bang on their door and run.

[A]

You're sort of asking for it at that point.

[B]

Okay, here's the thing. It's very funny, but if you get got. Yeah. It's a high risk. You know, it's.

[A]

Fool me once.

[B]

Yeah. It's like guys in wrestling. Who's finishing hers off the top rope? It's like high risk, high reward. Like, you're gonna. You're gonna hit the pool sometimes.

[A]

Yeah. It would have been funnier if those kids were scantily clad.

[C]

If they just dressed up. You're saying, put a little.

[B]

Nuh.

[A]

You can't get me.

[B]

Just sailor suits and giant lollipops, tank tops, everything. They just stay outside the guy's house on the Good ship.

[C]

But then this guy's got a ring camera. He's like. He's like, oh, free porn.

[B]

I've told this before. I worked a bunch of shitty wrestling shows that were out of an elementary school. And our locker room was just a hallway up top. It was like the middle of the night.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But we had to go across the building to piss in the teacher's lounge. And they told us that if any adult, if you get caught pissing just in the kid's bathroom, even if it's after hours and there's no one in there, you can be charged with indecent exposure just because of the risk or whatever. Well, I think because it's an area designated specifically just for children.

[A]

Yeah. Wow, that's good to know. Because I've definitely used the bathroom at, like, my kids daycare where, like, you know, all the toilets are, like, to your knee.

[B]

Well, so I think it was. It was because it was a bathroom with multiple stalls in Europe. So I think if it's like a closed door.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what that one bathroom, you can do that because there's a lock. But I think if it's a public restroom for kids where it's like multiple urinals or multiple stalls, then you're down. Yeah. Plus, I would be afraid to destroy one of those little toilets.

[C]

They're also lower too, so it turns into a squatty potty whether you want it to or not.

[B]

I mean, that does.

[A]

I wanted to.

[B]

That does sound nice, to be honest.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Priya was just telling us it'll be on Friday's episode. She just returned from India, and it was a hole in the ground with two ridges on the side for your feet situation.

[A]

Yeah, I've been to India and I've seen a ton of those, but, like, every hotel and stuff had regular ass toilets.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's a. You make it a home game.

[C]

Yeah, I think I told you. They did this in. There was a ship when I was welding in Florida. We're working for BAE Systems. And the bottom line of the story was everybody was shaking hands with the Pakistani crew that was buying an old US Navy ship. And then when they found out that, like, all the plumbers were getting more money than the welders, it was because they had to rig up the system for the water to go into the toilet for bidets.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he was saying, like, so what are they. What are they used for?

[A]

Toilet paper?

[C]

He goes, oh, they. They don't. They just go in there and make sure they're clean and then they're done. And every, like, the most redneck dudes all of a sudden were like, all right, we're gonna. I don't want to do it. I don't want to appropriate that black culture, but we're doing fist bumps from now on. So he's just added, like. Because they're just sitting there and you watch these guys, like, quivering because they're just waiting for, like, little shit underneath their fingernails or something.

[A]

They were working the kitchen too.

[C]

It wouldn't shock me, man. I really wouldn't shock.

[B]

What is the old term? Wipe with the left, shake with the right.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Say it again.

[A]

I wipe with my right, though.

[B]

I know, but I. In. In countries where.

[A]

Oh, that's an issue.

[B]

Protocol. I believe that you're supposed to wipe with your left and shape. You're supposed to wipe with your non dominant hand. But that sounds like a challenge in and of itself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Yeah. It's just walking around with a. Just a shitty butthole.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like you're gonna miss. I don't think you're gonna get.

[A]

Yeah, I can barely work the remote with my left hand. I'm not.

[B]

That's what I call wiping. That's actually what I call wiping. And I also lose the remote in there sometimes.

[C]

Oh, man.

[B]

Excuse me. Hey, guys. You ever wake up in the morning and just feel soft? Like your coffee's warming your hands not doing a damn thing for your balls or your brain? That's why our great friends created Body Brain Coffee. It's not just coffee, it's coffee with purpose. Specifically testosterone. Packed with clinically backed ingredients like Tongkat Ali. This isn't your girlfriend's oat milk latte. This is for men who want to get their edge back. In the gym, in the boardroom, and yeah, in the bedroom too. And it's not just about testosterone. Body Brain is also built to dial in your focus, clarity and mood, thanks to Lion's Mane Ashwagandha and L Theanine. So while your basic brew is giving you the jitters and a crash, Body Brain Coffee is helping you stay sharp, calm and locked in, all while supporting your natural tea levels. If you're serious about your energy, your mindset and your masculinity, it starts with what you put in your cup. Body Brain Coffee has Tonkot Ali, Lion's Mane Ashwagandha, L Theanine and premium freeze dried Colombian coffee. It's got a bold, rich taste with no fillers. Say 15% today with the code ZOO15Z [e-mail] that's BodyBrainCoffee.com Power your day, fuel your drive. Let's get back into the show. We do enjoy some body cam footage here. This one's a little rough, but Shannon, I hope it wasn't too much for you.

[D]

Body Cam, I love it. I have an opinion.

[B]

So some people are saying that this was excessive force. I think given the very apparent circumstances of what's happening in real time, everyone just saved a lot of trouble and a trial and housing someone who was doing something very bad.

[C]

You've never set up like this before. So I'm beyond ecstatic to see what we're about to see.

[B]

Shannon, did I set that up in a way that makes sense?

[D]

Yes. I do think something else does have to be revealed though, because they are. I feel like they're being very choosy about where they started this.

[C]

15. Sorry.

[D]

And so they're. They are approaching this guy as they believe he's trying to rape a woman. You just can't really see that part. As we start, you can play it

[B]

American.

[C]

Shots. Shots fired.

[A]

Shots fired. I mean, what's crazy is he could have hit the woman pretty easily though.

[C]

Sir, drop the knife.

[B]

Drop the knife.

[C]

Sir, drop the knife. Hey, back up.

[B]

Back up.

[C]

Sir. Drop the knife. Hey, sling around.

[B]

We need a crime scene.

[D]

Hurry up.

[C]

Get that.

[B]

Hey, drop the knife.

[A]

Why do I gotta blur this shit?

[C]

Drop the knife.

[B]

It's crazy. Still alive.

[A]

Pcp. That's gotta be PCP or something.

[B]

So he's literally about to rape a woman at knife point in broad daylight.

[D]

I do have additional information.

[C]

Shannon, we have a city by chance.

[D]

Hold on. Give me one second for that. But. So what happened was, earlier this day, this guy stole a dog from somebody's backyard.

[C]

Oh, instant death penalty. Yep.

[D]

Took the box, had the dog with him. And then as a woman. As this woman was getting off of a bus, he approached the woman and said, oh, I need water for my dog. And then when she said she didn't have it, he grabbed her by her, like, purse strap and, like, dragged her into the street. She's yelling for help. And then it was, like, shortly after that, that. Oh. And she said, I'm gonna kill you. Like, stop being loud. I'm gonna kill you. So when the cops approached and they said, step away is when he put the knife to her throat. And so that's when the cop then takes this action. Because, like, in this little clip here, if you just share this, like, in the post, they're saying, oh, he just emptied the magazine. He didn't tell him to drop the knife or anything like that, but it's like he said to. To step away from her, to get on the ground. He didn't do that. And then after he was shot, he grabbed for the knife again.

[B]

I think while it is an unfortunate set of circumstances, there's a reason something like that is called suicide by cop.

[A]

Right, Right. I'm just curious how this woman, like, do we know if this woman was hit by any bull? Like, he's literally on top, or is the guy shooting him?

[B]

Where's the dog?

[D]

She. She was fine. They got the dog back because that woman, like, followed where he went with the dog. So she, like, observed this whole thing play out. And also this. This happened in, like, 2022, I think. And they didn't, like, the. They didn't, like, charge the cop with anything. They felt like this was appropriate force.

[A]

Yeah. But they did make a mural with that guy on it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Hopefully the dog is just above his shoulder, though, too, looking the other way. Yeah. A little cocker spaniel just kind of with his head tilted.

[D]

It was Baltimore.

[C]

I knew it. Oh, God. I would have been right, too.

[A]

I heard he was yelling the whole time. It's okay. It's okay. I had a vasectomy

[B]

21.

[C]

That's right, 21. 21 left in the chamber. Baby Jesus.

[A]

Yeah, I'd say society's okay with that guy.

[B]

Oh, no. You'd be surprised by some of the comments on that one.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sure there's always something. I would not be surprised, but, yeah. I mean, especially if they're starting the video after they already told them.

[C]

You ever have the one where you just realize, like, I'm very naive, and people will, like, they'll talk about something when they say the thing where I just have that moment like, oh, we have no shared values whatsoever. When it was like one of my buddies was talking about. He's like, yeah, my cousin. Yeah, we went away, watch the dog fights. I was like, you go to dog fighting? And he's like. He's like, yeah. And I just said, it's like, that's terrible, man. He goes. He goes, they're dogs. And I was just like, oh, we just don't have anything to move forward in this conversation on.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's a way you're brought up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, look, they eat dogs in places, right?

[B]

They do way worse than eat them. They beat them.

[A]

And, yeah, I mean, I would never, like, personally support that. But also, like, I don't know, if I was in some random country and I stumbled upon a dog fight, I might be curious for a second. I probably wouldn't enjoy it, but I'd be curious.

[B]

I think you would have buyer's remorse. You would go see it, and then you would see him be. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what I thought it was.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I don't like it.

[C]

But if it was like, if you had, you know, a little pageantry to it or something. You know what I mean? It's.

[A]

Obviously, they wear little boxing gloves.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Or the giant Doberman comes in, and you're expecting him to be there, but then you find out that there's five Chihuahuas that get to go up against him.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah. See, the inter. The interbreed. That's the. That's the ticket.

[A]

And then whoever loses, they serve for dinner.

[C]

That or dinner's very interesting. And then also pro wrestling fans here. All right, Little interference. A little interference. A run in, perhaps. Perhaps the cocker spaniel from the video just shows up and distracts him. Like Deborah back on the ropes.

[B]

Oh, she shows all her nipples.

[C]

That's right. Just gets down and shows him what he could be having. Distracts the Doberman just long enough.

[B]

And then the other dog brains him in a chair. I don't think, because some people, you know, I grew up with our dog wasn't allowed in the house. The dog lived in my dad's shop and had like a little house, but the dog was never allowed in the house.

[C]

It's more of a statement on how hard it is they make it for people to own guns in New Jersey.

[B]

And I asked him because I remember being a little kid and all my friends, dogs were inside dogs. And I thought it was weird. And my dad was, oh, yeah, dog's a tool to, you know, she's gonna bark if somebody breaks into the shop.

[A]

Your dad's in like a different stage of like the evolution of dog and man relationships.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And he's always had, you know, they always had a guard dog or whatever, but, like, it would never, like, be allowed and I would never be able to do that as an adult if I had an animal. Like, oh, dude, you're in the bed with me dog.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Like, I can't.

[A]

That's like. That's a New York dog owner especially, you know what I mean? Like, there's no room to have it be outside. That's like a shared member of the family.

[B]

Yeah, I think maybe I'm biased because of that, but like, the idea of having a dog and it not being like hanging out with you and you're watching TV and shit and you're like, oh, you're just sad.

[C]

Why are you having a dog? At that point you're like, oh, the dog's just going to be distant from me.

[B]

But certain people, I think grow up. I think if you grow up on a farm, sometimes there's just, you know, dogs, they work, they help, they, they. They're more. I think there's people that have an emotional disconnect and they can treat a dog more like a tool or the way a farmer looks at livestock.

[A]

Right, totally. Or just like you got like a, you know, five siblings or something like that. Your dog's not like your companion in the same way there's a whole other family or.

[B]

And it's also, we're being very, I think, Western minded about it. Like, I don't think a lot of Middle Eastern, Indian, anything like that. They don't with dogs.

[A]

Well, Middle Eastern, they just don't like dogs, period.

[B]

They don't like them. Yeah. Like, there's videos of people, like walking dogs through Middle Eastern countries and people like, cross the street and.

[A]

Yeah, no, they're not into dogs.

[B]

They don't with dogs at all.

[C]

More Just a couple more dogs at the airport and we can stop having to take our shoes off. That's.

[B]

Maybe that's why they don't like them. Maybe. Maybe they think they snitches.

[A]

The Mossad dogs.

[C]

Do we give. Did your dad give the dog a name?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Who was the dog's name?

[B]

Veruca. Yeah, it was Bippy and then Bippy was my dad's dog and then Veruca was the dog when I was a kid.

[C]

Named after Charlie and the chocolate factory.

[B]

Yep. Veruca Salt.

[C]

It's actually cute.

[B]

There's a black lab.

[C]

Your dad's not as awful as some of the. What he was saying about being behind on the evolution thing. Yeah. Not quite like John Wayne movies where they're like, oh, the dog's name is Dog?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, or God damn it. How many dogs thought their name was dammit?

[B]

Yeah, no, Verga. And she. Veruca was definitely a sharp dog. I. She was dumb as fuck. She was my friend when I was little. I. I wish I could have a dog down, but I don't feel comfortable with having one in a one bedroom. I feel like it's. Sometimes you meet people with these dogs and you could tell the dog is

[A]

just fucking not getting enough activity.

[B]

Not like they have anxiety. They're fucking like the shaky. And you're like, oh, you're supposed to run for a couple of hours a day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're supposed to have a yard. And you'll see people like take these big. In my building, some people take their dogs out in like baby strollers because they're hiding them from the super. Oh, yeah. And they take them down the block and then take them out and walk them. But people have big fucking dogs in my building and I can't. There's a park like 10 blocks away. Maybe they're taking them there, but I don't think so.

[C]

Dog park is like the most violent place to take a dog too. That's where all the shit goes down. Was it Lynn Koplitz was telling me a story one time where it was. I guess her dog got bit in the park and everyone in the park knew the dog's name. And like all the people were like, I can't remember the dog's name. Let's say it was like Travis or something. And they're like, trayvon. It's Trayvon's third bite. That's his third bite. Everybody in the park, they're all holding up the number three. Trayvon's third bite. Say goodbye to Trayvon, after three bites in the park, they report, then you. The dog gets put down. So they were all waiting for it. And in that sense, I guess Lynn was the hero. She ridded the dog park of the bully dog.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. Stand up to bullies.

[B]

Yeah, it was a bully. Yeah, it was an American bully.

[A]

She did smother her dog in peanut butter to, like, really entice him in.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, she. She made them an A1. All right. We got other dumb shit to look at. Actually, I think this. This should be fun. Shannon, do you want to do this red flag drink order thing?

[D]

Sure.

[B]

So I saw a video. It talked about, what's a red flag? When people order drinks. And it was just a little one, but I thought Shannon could look up some more, give us her opinion, and we could talk about it as well. Shannon, do you want to start with just the. The video I sent?

[D]

Yeah. Wait, I don't. Hold on. Let me just double check. I didn't see that you sent a video. I just saw that you brought up the topic.

[B]

That's right. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can summarize. The video I saw was. It was like, what's a red flag for a bartender? And I did not expect it, but they said a guy on football Sunday by himself who starts with a white zinfandel.

[C]

Oh, I was. I was close to being that guy for a second. Okay, white Zinfandel.

[A]

What does that mean?

[C]

Like, why you've never. My life's kind of sad. I have to. No one else likes football in my near vicinity, so I have gone to a bar to watch a Giants game.

[A]

I see. I do neither football nor wine.

[C]

So it's the zinfandel is.

[A]

Zinfandel is a white wine, right?

[C]

Yes. So that's what's making me worried is, what are they saying? It's a gay football. He's there to.

[B]

No.

[A]

To try to fuck a straight guy? Is that what you're thinking?

[B]

I think it usually is indicative of maybe a drunk who had to swear off other kinds of alcohol.

[A]

So, like, eventually he'll be trouble.

[B]

Now I just drink wine.

[A]

Yeah. But I'll take down 10 of them.

[B]

And, yeah, they say that's the person that, like, they're gonna get, like, five or six in and start getting mouthy at the bar and that they're usually a mean drunk.

[C]

Oh, wine drunks are the worst, man.

[B]

Dude, there is no. I've known a couple girls in my life who are wine drunks, and when you catch Them early in the night with the purple mouth. Like, you could. You could tell when a girl's wine drunk and they've got, like, the dark lips and the stained teeth. And some of them switch to white wine, because that was another thing they said about white wine is they say wine drunk, switch to it so that you can't see it on them.

[C]

Is that kind of like the vodka thing where everybody always thought, well, vodka, you can't tell when you're drinking it. So if you want to get away with one, you drink vodka. But then everybody's like, why do you smell like rubbing alcohol?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yes, it's very obvious. Well, I think a lot of people also switch to vodka for calorie because there's no. It's a. There's no carbs.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The healthier you try to make the unhealthy thing you're doing, the more damage you're incurring.

[A]

Well, tequila, funny enough, is the healthiest one.

[B]

Yeah. Because so people have switched to straight vodka on ice. That's like a last level.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But. Yeah, no tequila.

[A]

Back in my country, that's where you start.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Truth. Truth.

[B]

So, Shannon, did you find any more Red Flag drinks? And did you have any?

[D]

Yes. So for me, and I guess it just depends on what you mean by red flag drinks, but can I guess yours? Yeah.

[B]

Jaeger bomb.

[D]

No, but that. No, I feel like that's not so much a thing anymore, but maybe like 10 years ago. Yeah. But if somebody orders a Long island iced tea, I automatically label them a garbage person and assume that they're going to be a problem at some point. That's a big one.

[C]

It was. That was my end all drink when I was. They had the cut waters, the Long island iced teas in the can. Used to buy four of them. I'd get through two of them, and then I'd be like, all right, cool. I'm good to go for the rest of the day here. And then I wind up falling asleep for two hours drinking the other two and then realizing I was out of beer and going out for beer.

[A]

I feel like the cans are a little bit different than, like, having someone mix it at the bar, you know, like, the cans have made it, like, convenient, where it's like the same as choosing, like, a hard seltzer or something, you know?

[C]

Like, I think you're right on that one, too. If I didn't have the convenience of

[A]

it, it was like if you had the bartender whip one up each time.

[B]

So I do think a Long Island Is delicious. I enjoy it. However, I will only order it. And, Sharon, you can tell me if I'm being a jerk or if this is acceptable. I know bartenders hate having to make it. I will only order it if it's slow, and I will tip very good. So I wouldn't order it at a crowded bar. I would order a simple drink. But if it's kind of dead or early in the day, I think it's an okay order. Is that okay?

[D]

Yeah, I don't. I don't necessarily mind making them. It's just like, I make a judgment on the person. But, like, the annoying things would be like a mojito or a frozen drink.

[A]

Oh, man, I do. I do mojitos. I do. No sugar mojitos. That's my thing.

[B]

Do you try and get it at a place that has that as an op, like an offer or you order it?

[A]

I'll ask sometimes. Yeah, okay, I'll. I think, I mean, as far as, like, if it's busy or whatever else, I'm like, I'll just tip if it's a drink that's, like, more expensive or takes on longer to make and I'll get what I want.

[B]

Yeah, no, I think if you tip, that's. That's acceptable.

[A]

That's.

[B]

I, I. My. My mom had a history of coming to my bar shows, or if I did, like a hotel show, and my mom would just be loaded at the end, and she'd be like, this bartender's trying to get me drunk. And I'll be like, what did you get? She's like, three Long Islands. I'm like, yeah, mom, you ordered all the liquors. She goes, well, you had a two drink minimum and your aunt only wanted one.

[C]

What are you gonna do? Waste.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What are you, perfectly good Long island ice cream?

[B]

Yeah. Why would you get a bottle of water?

[C]

Do you know how long Shannon took to make that? Respect the effort.

[B]

What are some other red flags, Shannon?

[A]

I will add, by the way, that if a bar doesn't do, like, if they don't regular do mojitos, they're not gonna have fresh mint. So if they don't do it, they'll just say, I don't have mint.

[B]

That is a good. I watched when Lewis was in his Old Fashioned phase. We were at one of the governors and he ordered an Old Fashioned and then he sipped it and he went, this is not an Old Fashioned lady. He goes, yeah, I don't know how

[A]

to make whiskey and some other shit.

[B]

I swear to God. She just put Bourbon on an orange peel.

[D]

Because you do have to, like, muddle. You have to muddle stuff.

[B]

Yeah. She did not know that. And lose, like, whatever this is is not. And she goes, yeah, I don't know what I'm doing.

[C]

Honesty is the best policy on that. There was a shot I hung out at, so.

[B]

Yeah, that's. Can I guess? Another red flag.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Lemon drop shots.

[D]

So I don't have that on the list here. I can understand.

[A]

It's like, family thing.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

For me, lemon drop shots. That's like.

[A]

That's like college kids or, like, an annoying bachelorette party.

[B]

Or, like. Yeah, we want to get drunk. We don't want to taste it. And then one person's gonna get it, and I feel like 20 other people are gonna want it.

[D]

I feel like now that's like the. Well, maybe not now. Maybe this is still dating myself a little bit. But the green tea shot, like, once somebody orders it, once everyone's ordering it and they're having a billion all night, I don't know.

[B]

What is that?

[D]

Yeah, it's a Crown Royal Peach Snaps and apple pucker, I believe.

[B]

Yuck.

[D]

Yeah, it's not. It's not bad.

[C]

It really isn't bad. But it's one of those ones where, like, that's when girls are trying to catch up to however. However late to the party they are.

[B]

The girl peed her pants at the stand the other night.

[A]

A girl?

[D]

What?

[B]

A girl pissed her pants at the bar at the stand the other night after Skaggs.

[A]

I thought you were using Peter Pan.

[B]

Oh, no, no. She Peter panned. I came up from the downstairs of the stand, and there was a black chick just with her head on the bar.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

With a martini in front of her, and she looked bad. And then she got up to. Piss yourself on and walked outside, and somebody went. I think she just pissed on the sidewalk. And she was just sitting on the curb pissing her pants.

[A]

Okay. You know what? Props to her for doing it outside on the sidewalk.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no. She didn't make it. Because then somebody turned around and went, there's piss on the floor in here.

[A]

She did it so she could follow her way back.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She left piss crumbs.

[A]

Yeah. But, yeah, she could do that with breadcrumbs now.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[C]

I don't know where I parked, so I'll probably just try to on the way. Excuse me, ma'.

[B]

Am.

[C]

Was there. Was there Come here. On this? Yeah. It's kind of dickheaded move, that. You Put it right where we have to press in order to be wanting. You cross the road or something like that. The button. You got to find better places for it. That's all we're asking.

[B]

But yeah, she had pissed on her chair a little and seemed like she left a bit of a drip drop on her way out.

[A]

Goof.

[C]

Yeah, it's never fun. I'll tell you what. Drunk chicks, immediately sad. Drunk guy, you're like, all right, he might be a problem.

[A]

Yeah, could be frightening.

[C]

Yeah, it's. But drunk chicks is always sad to me. That one's like. That one's brutal. Peed her pants. Has to go home knowing she peed her pants. Yeah, they're gonna remind her she peed her pants.

[A]

Even a drunk guy peeing his pants is kind of funny, not necessarily sad, you know, unless he's like, in his, like, 50s, 60s. Then it starts to get sad again.

[B]

Oh, VFW. Drunk. Yeah.

[C]

That's a whole nother animal too. There was one quick story. It was a cop. I won't say what town in Jersey, but he needed a summer job because he was suspended for 90 days for this. He pulled over a guy who was clearly just pissing in the middle of the road. Got out of his car, he was drunk driving, just started pissing in the middle of the road. Cop pulls up on him and he goes, what's going on here, dude? And he goes. He goes, I'm so sorry. I just had to pee. I didn't feel safe driving. I really shouldn't be driving. I've been drinking tonight because I just found out I have stage four cancer and I'm going to die soon. And the cop turns off the body cam footage, right? And he goes, dude, I'm going to cut you a break. You're going to follow me home, okay? Do you understand it? We're not going above. We're not going above 25 miles an hour. You're going to follow me home, and I'm gonna write you a seatbelt ticket, and you're gonna have the seatbelt ticket, and you have to pay the ticket, and I don't want to hear anything from you ever again. This is your break and just deal with whatever you have to deal with. Guy was so drunk, when he woke up the next morning, he goes, a fucking ticket? And he complained about the ticket and he said. He goes, some asshole wrote me a seatbelt ticket last night. This is ridiculous, man. The guy was such a dickhead. Blah, blah, blah. And he goes. They literally said, well, don't worry, we're gonna pull your body cam footage. You're gonna be out of this. He turned off the body cam footage to give him the break. Guy got suspended 90 days from his job. So he had 90 days, he couldn't go to work. And that guy probably had 90 days left before he died.

[A]

So before he made up that story,

[B]

I really thought you were gonna say he dropped the guy off and the guy went back out and killed somebody.

[A]

Right.

[C]

That's happening too, that dude. There was some guy that got two DUIs in one day in Mendham Township. And it was, it was like incredible or something like that. Which doesn't make sense to me because I thought you go to jail for a dui, right?

[B]

Yeah. Or at least you're in the drunk tank.

[C]

Yeah. They're supposed to keep you in there or something like that. But the guy apparently like either it was the same day or the next day he went out and just pulled the same shit again because like, well, I already. And that time they had him dead to rights because his license was suspended, but they just watched. Is that fucking Tony driving by again in his Chevy work van with clear pieces of Sheetrock hanging out the back of it.

[B]

I had a buddy get arrested in his own driveway because he drove home drunk, got home, went in and then decided to go back out and get food and pulled out of his driveway and hit a parked car. He got. He got a DUI in his driveway of his parents house.

[A]

Flew too close to the sun.

[B]

Thank God for Ubereats, man. Think about how many lives. Think about how many lives were just became. Somebody slept through the fact that they ordered food.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Instead of them going out and getting it and killing somebody.

[C]

Honestly. Yes. UberEats is pretty. When I was deeply entrenched in my alcoholism, that was. I'd wake up and just like, what did I spend $70 on again last night? And then you're just like, oh yeah, I think I had Thai food delivered at 2:00am Yep.

[B]

Sushi.

[C]

Sushi, yeah. Leave that out. You leave that out in the summer. That, that's, that's a wasted 70. But if it's, if it's the winter, you can probably get away with sushi breakfast the next day.

[A]

Oh yeah. I mean, if you, if you're sober enough to put in the fridge, for sure.

[C]

I'm saying, if you don't even get it from the front steps.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[C]

I've taken some chances. I should have. Yeah. It's. I don't miss it.

[B]

I don't think I've Ever. No, wait. One time coming back from Philly, Nate Marshall was driving me back. And I remember drinking at the show. I remember we went to a bar and then I woke up in my bed and my wife's like, oh, man, you didn't get Wawa? Because I said I was gonna stop at Wawa on the way back and I had texts saying I was going to. And then I was like, nah, we just. We forgot. We. It was too late. We just wanted to come home. And then I saw a giant bag of Wawa at my door that I just put down and I went, surprise. Gotcha. All right.

[A]

Surprise to both of you.

[B]

Almost getting out of here in just a second. Oh, was there any more red Flag

[D]

Shannon on the list? I found a list on a website and it said one of them was Flaming Shots.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Top shelf Bloody Mary. But it's also like, they seem to hate top shelf with any mixed drinks. I disagree with that though. It's like you're. You're still going to want a better quality liquor regardless of whether you're mixing it or not.

[A]

I. I'm with you.

[D]

Apparently there is a drink called the Commonwealth, which has 71 ingredients in it that was originated in Glasgow.

[B]

Okay. That's retarded.

[D]

The cement mixer. Do you know this one?

[B]

Is that. That's supposed to like go bad?

[D]

Yeah, it just. It gets gross. It's Bailey's and a little bit of lime juice.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

And it just curdles. Yeah.

[B]

Oof.

[D]

See the Corona Rita? Or they have that. I believe it's called Mad Dog. That. That taco place where you. It's like the Corona bottle into a margarita.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't hate that. Vodka and Red Bull.

[B]

I think that's an easy order.

[D]

I think they're saying maybe about.

[B]

You're gonna be an. Yeah, it's like ordering a four. It's a grown up four. Loco.

[D]

Yeah. And then I. There they say key lime pie martini with graham cracker rim. But I guess they're just saying a fancy drink with a rim. And then if somebody says orange juice

[B]

and vodka instead of screwdriver.

[D]

Yeah. I hate when somebody orders the. When they say the mixer before the booze.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

That kind of annoys me. But yeah, those are the lists.

[B]

All right. And did you have any other personal ones?

[D]

No, just like other things of like what I judge people for. Or if, like, you know, if somebody

[A]

is ordering fireball shots.

[D]

Yeah. Or. Or Hennessy. Or if they just say, like if they say the booze and they're like, can I just have this? And it's like, well, how do you want that? On the rocks, neat, in a martini, like. And some information.

[B]

Okay. Are Fireball shots as bad as Uncle. I do love Fireball, and it is a fun thing to order. Is. It is indicative of a dick. A dickhead.

[D]

I might. I have family members that drink Fireball, so I'm not. I'm not going to judge there.

[A]

I feel like it's like a college kid thing.

[C]

Thing that was kind of. It took the place of Jaeger for our generation, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Black House was the thing also.

[C]

Oh, it's bad, man. What about. Was it a Laporte or whatever it is?

[B]

Oh, Malort.

[C]

Malort. There you go. You ever try that?

[B]

I did try Malort last summer, and it tastes like wood.

[C]

Yeah, it's. You know about this or.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Chad, look up Malort. We'll shout out to Boris.

[C]

They call it the Chicago handshake, but it's. It's clearly like a. They know it's terrible and they want you to have it.

[B]

It tastes like cleaning product. And wood with a liquor after a hard liquor aftertaste.

[A]

Yeah. You're selling it.

[B]

Yeah. Or there's maybe a hint of pencil shavings, I would say.

[C]

Oh, it's. It's like. I don't know if it was intentionally bad or they just. The Chicago humor. Oh, here you go.

[B]

Complex layer profile, but you don't faint. Bright citrus and herbal notes before an intensely aggressive, lingering bitterness. It's infestation. Like grapefruit rind, burnt rubber, and pencil shavings.

[A]

But it's wormwood based, which is. What's it called?

[C]

Absinthe.

[A]

Yeah, the shit that Van Gogh dude.

[B]

I watch. Shay, can you look up? There's a guy. Did you see the guy that, like. He'll be like, we're gonna put nerds in vodka and leave it for a week or until something happens. And he'll, like, make, like, infused stuff. Dude, he did one the other day. He combined Malort and Everclear and did a shot. And when I tell you this guy looks like he is going through hell and back.

[C]

We did the Starburst gummies. Yeah. We poured vodka over those.

[B]

Here he is.

[C]

Malort and Everclear into a shot.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

50.

[B]

50 sniff test. Pure rubbing alcohol dibosia. God, I am alone at the end. Is act actually God awful. By the way, I'm running dangerously low on Jepson's Malort.

[A]

Malort ring a ding ding.

[B]

All right, maybe we should get some Malort for the studio.

[A]

Rough. It's not alcohol, but we used to do the four Locos with Zannies in college and call it a five Loco.

[C]

Ooh. And that would you up Xanax in a four Loco.

[A]

Yeah. Or just like, chew it up while you drink it.

[C]

Basically, bro, it's got to be like. That's a frat boy speedball, right?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, we did. We did perks and Jack Daniels.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Perk. Jack Daniels and Diet Dr. Pepper Chase with an Oreo.

[A]

Yeah, It's a good recipe for hearing your roommate choking on their own tongue later.

[B]

Those were. Those are the. Those are the college days.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was line a perk and then shot of cheaply bourbon, diet Dr. Pepper Chaser and an Oreo. Hell, man, you just sit at the kitchen table with nothing on.

[A]

Yeah, the Oreo really cleanses the palate.

[B]

The Oreo just keeps you going.

[A]

Yeah, the.

[C]

What was the. There's a booze called. And this is. I'm adopted. I'm Irish, but I. My mom's Armenian. So I went drinking at a Udell party with my Armenian cousins, and they brought out a bottle of Arak. Like, what would be. What would be like the Everclear for Ukrainians. Because everybody seems to have their version of like an Everclear or a moonshine.

[A]

Yeah, it was just moonshine. Like my grandpa used to make. Like, I think he actually, like, had vodka to start with, but he would, like, infuse it with stuff. But, yeah, I think it was just like they were out of potatoes or whatever the fuck was around.

[C]

It was. It's insane, man. With this Audac stuff. We poured it out. We only had styrofoam cups, and we forgot about it. And then we came back out. It actually melted and deteriorated the cup, and we were just like. We were all scared to drink it after that.

[B]

Yeah, that can't be good.

[C]

No, no. And then about two days later, we realized Ottawk was the only thing we had left in the house. So then you start sitting there like, all right, what would mix good with pure Armenian moonshine? And it's. There's no answer. There's no answer.

[B]

For a while in college days, it would be ever clear in orange juice or Everclear in grapefruit juice.

[C]

Grapefruit juice. I could see.

[B]

I'm a big proponent if a bar has grapefruit juice. My go to. If I'm day drinking at a bar. Grapefruit juice, vodka tonic.

[A]

I could see that working.

[B]

That's what Stanhope drinks. That's what inspired me.

[C]

He's still kicking, right? You're just.

[B]

That's what inspired. If he can keep going on that. That's a good recipe.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, man. Another red flag for you, Shannon, too, is when I used to show up with Pedialyte in my other hand and be like, listen, just keep going and

[A]

I'll let you know what mixes well with electrolytes.

[C]

I found champagne and Pedialyte. That was my hangover cure.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

I think it just makes you a smart drinker.

[C]

Thank you for that. Thank you. I was. That's how. Now the problem was I was also working and I had to get back into a car and then drive around to other bars I was servicing the beer lines on. But yeah, that's.

[B]

Oh, no. Pedialyte is a game changer, dude. If you. When you watch me and fake go on the road, there is a Pedialyte run on the beginning of that one.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Now, do you do it before you start drinking? Because that's the smart thing.

[B]

Then it's in your drink. I do try and do that or I do the water, boy. Electrolyte water.

[C]

I like that.

[A]

The thing in Ukraine they would do is you eat butter before you go out drinking.

[B]

Well, I'm gonna do that regardless.

[A]

But it like, that's my pre night.

[B]

That's my pre night out.

[A]

Butter.

[C]

Yeah, it's keto, baby.

[B]

Like a banana.

[A]

Start the day. But the like, wives tale thought was that it would, like, coat your stomach and like, make it absorbs. Make the alcohol absorb slower.

[C]

I like that one, man. I'll tell you what. The one thing I stole when I. I never stole anything. I don't have a very guilty conscience. I should probably tell the bar that I did this to them. But they had the stuffed olives with blue cheese cubes in them, and there's only like 18 of them left in the bottom of one. And I saw they had like a whole shelf over. And I was like, listen, I can either steal this right now and stay on course for our day, or I have to stop at Dunkin Donuts and go through a drive through line to get a breakfast sandwich. And I stole the 18 of them. And then they got. I was. I sat there, I'm like, I actually feel pretty damn good right now. And I thought I had hacked the system. And then maybe about. Maybe about three hours later, just both ends just destroying this port. Like, the cleaning crew is in there. And I'm like, guys, just. Just two minutes. I need the bathroom real quick. And then I was so embarrassed. I asked my boss the next day, can I do a different route moving forward? Because I just can't look those people in the eye again.

[B]

All right. I think I've thought of the ultimate faux pas. Red flag for a bar. Shannon, I think you're going to agree with me. And I've had this argument with what I thought was a very intelligent person. And I lost respect for them when they disagreed with me on this. Anyone who puts their fingers in the garnish thing and tries to take olives or something out while the bartenders giving somebody else a drink, Shannon.

[D]

It's disgusting.

[B]

It is unacceptable.

[A]

It's not cool. I've done it in my 20s.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like an orange slice or something.

[B]

I. My. My friend Simon, who I lived with, thought it was completely okay to just open that up and take olives. And he would do it whenever we went out. I'm like, dude, you gotta just ask for him. Yeah, you can't. And he's like, but they're right there. And I'm like, no, dude, you can't. You can't put there.

[C]

It's not Beer nuts, man. You can't.

[B]

There's people, like. There's a health code. There's this person fucking. How to prepare that. Now if they see you do that, they gotta chuck that whole thing, right? And it's not that it's.

[A]

They probably won't chuck it, but technically,

[B]

it's not that it's the grossest thing in the world. It's that it could be. Because I don't know what's on your hands, right?

[A]

And if you're doing it like you don't know what's on somebody else's hands. You want everybody.

[B]

It's gotta be. Yeah.

[C]

What's the olive going into? As well? It's gonna go into either a Bloody Mary or a Martini. So now you're gonna have your more sophisticated people for the martini, obviously, that are drinking that. And then that's the last thing they want to think about, is that. Are these dirty olives that are in here, right? And you can't be. Those people are tipping way better, too. And, you know, you're on your third PBR or whatever, and you're just kind of reaching your hand and, like, they're, you know, a bag of beer nuts or cashews or something like that. It's gross.

[A]

I will say I. I get martinis often, and I'm a huge pain in the ass with my martini order because it's. I get an extra dirty martini in a rocks glass, neat, because I don't want to spill it on myself in a martini glass. But then I have to, like. I've learned now to add every one of those details, because if I get it in a rocks glass, they're gonna put it on ice, but if I want it neat. And then sometimes they just get confused because of the tail.

[B]

I think as long as you're tipping, that's all that matters.

[A]

I mean, if it's a martini, of course.

[C]

Shannon, would you ask Boris to leave for that particular drink order?

[D]

I would just say don't do that.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't want to drink out of martini glass. I'm gonna spill it on myself.

[D]

Sorry. Sorry. I. I was on the previous thing. I. I've been distracted by. I looked up your arak thing. Iraq. The booze that you said before.

[C]

Is that the arak? Yeah.

[D]

And the images of the bottles are clear. But when they pour it in a glass, you could share this. Whenever it's poured in a glass, it's white. And I just couldn't understand why this was happening, so I had to look it up to figure it out. And it turns out that the. It's like a.

[B]

That's gonna be the difference between 20 and 21.

[D]

It turns out that there's like a. I guess. Does it taste like sambuca?

[C]

KB that would be a. It's a very rough sambuca, if. If that. But yeah, it's there because it says

[D]

that it's made from, like, an anise type of thing. And so the essential oil from the anise, like, mixes a certain way with alcohol, but not with water. So once you add water or ice to it, it makes it. It makes it milky.

[B]

Oh, Zambuca is the same way.

[D]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

Yeah. Zambuga gets milky when you put it over ice.

[C]

Just having a nice glass of milk. That's all it looks like then.

[B]

All right, guys, that is gonna be today's show. Thank you to my guests. K.P. burke, please check out American Loser. Boris Hyken. Thank you, guys. You're the best. Thank you to everybody in the booth. And we'll be back on our bonus episode on Friday. Goodbye. The fun's begun. No sleeping in. Noon is morning time to him. Papa Baco. Chug it down. Just like your favorite obese clown. Grab a call bed and join the crew. It's Akamiko. Morning. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance

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