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Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family

The Mel Robbins Podcast

Published: Mon Dec 16 2024

This episode will change the way you think about every relationship in your life. Today, Harvard’s Dr. Stuart Ablon is distilling 30 years of behavior change research into one hour. Dr. Ablon is the Founder and Director of Think: Kids at Massachusetts General Hospital, which focuses on Collaborative Problem Solving. An award-winning psychologist, Dr. Ablon is also a professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. After listening, you will have a completely new approach to dealing with difficult people, challenging kids, and family members. In this candid and relatable conversation, Mel and Dr. Ablon bust through the most common parenting myths and offers a simple 3 step approach for transforming even the most frustrating dynamics. This episode isn’t just about solving conflicts; it’s about creating a deeper understanding of others and fostering lasting change. Whether you're a parent, partner, or simply navigating life’s challenges, this conversati...

Summary

Summary of "Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family" — The Mel Robbins Podcast

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, host Mel Robbins engages in a transformative conversation with Dr. Stuart Ablon, a renowned clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience. Dr. Ablon, founder of the Think Kids program at Mass General Hospital and a Harvard Medical School professor, delves into the science-backed strategies that can revolutionize family dynamics and personal relationships. This discussion promises to equip listeners with the tools to foster healthier interactions and resolve challenging behaviors effectively.

Background of Dr. Stuart Ablon

Dr. Stuart Ablon is an esteemed clinical psychologist specializing in challenging behaviors across various settings, including clinical, educational, and correctional environments. He is the author of the bestselling book The Surprising Science Behind Helping Anyone Change. His extensive research underscores the importance of understanding behavior through the lens of skill deficits rather than willpower or motivation.

Core Concepts Discussed

  1. Challenging Behavior as Skill Deficiency

    Dr. Ablon emphasizes that what is often perceived as challenging behavior stems from a lack of essential skills rather than a deficiency in motivation or willpower. By redefining these behaviors as manifestations of unmet skill needs, individuals can approach conflicts with empathy and constructive strategies.

    "People do well if they can. It's about skill, not will." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [12:32]

  2. The 'People Do Well If They Can' Mindset

    Shifting the mindset to "people do well if they can" transforms how we perceive and interact with others. This perspective fosters a non-judgmental and empathetic approach, encouraging collaborative efforts to address and enhance the underlying skills that contribute to behavior.

  3. Five Key Skills Affecting Behavior

    Dr. Ablon outlines five critical skill areas that influence behavior:

    • Language and Communication Skills (00:24:04): Effective expression and understanding are fundamental to managing emotions and resolving conflicts.
    • Attention and Working Memory (00:27:51): The ability to focus and retain information is crucial for problem-solving and adapting to new situations.
    • Emotion and Self-Regulation (00:30:16): Managing impulses and emotions prevents destructive reactions and promotes thoughtful responses.
    • Cognitive Flexibility (00:39:19): Adaptive thinking allows individuals to handle uncertainty and change with resilience.
    • Social Thinking Skills (00:41:58): Navigating social interactions smoothly enhances relationships and reduces misunderstandings.

  4. Collaborative Problem Solving: Plans A, B, and C

    Dr. Ablon introduces a strategic approach to handling conflicts and challenging behaviors through three distinct plans:

    • Plan A: Imposing Willpower: Attempting to force desired behaviors, often leading to resistance and strained relationships.

    • Plan B: Collaborative Problem Solving: Engaging in empathetic dialogue to understand each party's concerns and collaboratively develop solutions.

    • Plan C: Letting It Be Temporarily: Choosing to temporarily set aside the issue to prevent escalation, with the intention to revisit it later constructively.

    "When somebody's pissing you off with their behavior, you want to sort of tell them what to do. And the reality is they're never going to listen to you unless you start by listening to them." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [12:32]

Insights and Applications

  • Empathy as a Regulation Tool: Empathy not only facilitates understanding but also regulates emotional responses, creating a conducive environment for meaningful conversations.

    "Empathy regulates. And when people are regulated, they're much more able to express what's going on for them." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [65:22]

  • Impact of External Motivators: Reliance on rewards and punishments can undermine intrinsic motivation and harm self-esteem, reinforcing negative self-perceptions.

    "When you use external motivators, it actually decreases their internal drive to achieve the goal you want them to achieve." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [46:44]

  • Trauma and Skill Development: Childhood trauma and chronic stress impede the development of essential skills, leading to persistent challenging behaviors. Addressing these requires trauma-sensitive approaches and skill-building interventions.

  • Generational Shifts and Adaptation: Societal changes necessitate evolving parenting and interpersonal strategies to equip individuals with the necessary skills to thrive in a rapidly changing world.

Notable Quotes

  • "People do well if they can. It's about skill, not will." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [12:32]
  • "Empathy is the most powerful human regulator we have." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [65:22]
  • "Consequences require to be effective in the first place." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [31:57]
  • "If you give a dog a name, eventually they'll answer to it." — Dr. Stuart Ablon [47:54]

Conclusions

The episode underscores the transformative power of understanding behavior through the prism of skill deficits rather than attributing it to a lack of willpower. By adopting empathetic and collaborative approaches, individuals can repair and strengthen relationships, fostering environments where everyone can thrive. Dr. Ablon's insights provide a roadmap for breaking negative cycles and cultivating positive, skill-based interactions within families and beyond.

Final Thoughts

Mel Robbins concludes the episode by expressing profound gratitude for Dr. Ablon's contributions, highlighting the practical applicability of his methodologies in enhancing personal and familial relationships. She encourages listeners to embrace these strategies, promising significant personal growth and improved interactions.

"I am so happy you're here. Thank you for sharing your work. I'm excited because I feel like I'm going to be a better parent and a better spouse and a better colleague and a better human being because of you." — Mel Robbins [91:57]

Recommendations for Listeners

For those seeking to implement the discussed strategies, Mel Robbins suggests visiting melrobbins.com to access additional resources, research, and tools mentioned during the episode. Embracing these principles can lead to meaningful and lasting changes in personal and family dynamics.

No transcript available.