The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: It’s Not You: Why Your Family Stresses You Out & What To Do About It

Date: December 22, 2025
Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Dr. Mariel Buquet, psychologist, expert in intergenerational trauma, and author of “Break the Cycle”

Overview

In this transformative episode, Mel Robbins welcomes Dr. Mariel Buquet to explore why family dynamics can be so difficult and what individuals can do to heal and foster peace. The conversation takes a deep dive into intergenerational trauma, family patterns, the challenges of being a "cycle breaker," and practical, research-backed strategies for personal and relational healing. Dr. Buquet empowers listeners to reclaim agency, break harmful patterns, and create a nurturing legacy—regardless of whether their family members participate in the healing journey.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

The Reality and Opportunity of Family Dynamics

• The Family Struggle is Universal: Most people experience tension or stress within their family. It’s not unique or shameful.
  • "[...] you’re not alone in thinking these things, and it’s likely that your parents and siblings, they wish that your family felt closer too." (00:28)
• You Didn’t Create the Dynamic—But You’re Living In It: Much of our family culture is inherited through generations, shaped by what previous generations did or didn’t heal (03:27).

Individual Power to Heal and Transform (06:08 – 09:32)

• Your Healing Does Not Depend on Others Participating:
  • "My hope is that people can see the possibility of existing within their families in a way that feels nourishing. Even if their families do not have the capacity to do the work that they need to do, that they can still take whatever they can out of that family life and leave the rest behind." – Dr. Buquet (06:08)
• Generational Healing:
  • Healing yourself can reduce your suffering, model healthier patterns for future generations, and shift your family’s emotional legacy (07:00).
• It’s Never Too Late:
  • “My eldest patient was 84 years old when they first started working with me… as long as we’re living and breathing, we have an opportunity to initiate change in our lives.” – Dr. Buquet (08:49)

Perfect Parents Don’t Exist—Acknowledgment & Grieving Realities (09:35 – 13:29)

• The Myth of the Perfect Parent: No one can be a perfect parent; part of healing is acknowledging what your parents could and couldn’t provide.
• Funeral for the “False Family”:
  • “I help a person to attend the funeral of the parents they wish they had… It’s important that we step out of that false illusion... and step into our true family, the family that is real.” – Dr. Buquet (09:35)
• Sibling Dynamics:
  • Siblings can heal together, but each sibling has a unique experience, even in the same household (11:19).
  • “No individual in your family... can validate your experience, because that’s an internal job.” – Dr. Buquet (12:47)

The Eldest Daughter & Parentification (13:29 – 17:29)

• Eldest Daughter Wound:
  • Often becomes the "parentified child"—the fixer who cares for siblings before she’s ready, losing her childhood and learning to deny her own needs (13:29–16:52).
  • These patterns can manifest throughout adulthood: struggling to express needs in relationships, at work, and even in parenting.
• The Path to Healing:
  • “She’s able to experience reciprocity in relationships. She’s able to receive without guilt.” – Dr. Buquet (17:13)

Compassion for Imperfect Parents (17:29 – 20:48)

• See Your Parents’ Humanity:
  • Recognize their limitations and, where possible, hold space for the reality that hurt is often passed down unconsciously.
  • "[…] it allows us to see their humanity. It's an unfair standard to hold against any parent." – Dr. Buquet (17:55)

Trauma’s Impact and the Fixer Role (20:48 – 24:39)

• You’re Not Broken, You’re Carrying Generations of Pain:
  • “You are not broken. You are simply carrying around generations of pain… You can heal.” – Dr. Buquet (20:48)
• Hyper-Vigilance and Exhaustion:
  • The “fixer” in the family often lives in chronic overdrive, struggling to rest, feeling responsible for others’ wellbeing (21:15–22:41).
• Gender Differences and Health:
  • Women tend toward emotional suppression—linked to higher rates of autoimmune disease. Men often externalize pain or suppress emotions, and are less likely to seek therapy (23:32–25:46).

Cycle Breaking: The First Steps (27:37 – 31:52)

• Cycle Breaking Starts with Acknowledgment:
  • “It’s naming the truth. It’s taking the family secrets out of the closet… and exposing them, at least to yourself.” – Dr. Buquet (27:53)
• Don’t Rely on External Validation:
  • Healing does not require your family’s agreement or support. Those who haven’t done their own healing may be incapable of validating your pain (30:11–31:52).

Micro-Moments of Healing and Nervous System Regulation (32:40 – 38:46)

• Daily Micro Healing Practices:
  • Healing happens in small, integrated acts (e.g., visualization while brushing teeth, reciting affirmations, deep breathing, connecting with safe people). These don’t require major life changes—just intentional micro-moments (32:47–34:46).
• Favorite Tools:
  • Rocking: Initiates calming by activating the ventral vagal nerve (35:24–36:27).
  • Humming: Also engages the nervous system’s soothing response—do it alone or with children (36:28–37:34).
  • Five-Minute Breathing: In moments of stress (after a triggering email, for example), five full minutes of deep breathing can calm the system (38:02–38:46).
  • "You have 1,440 minutes in a day. If you take five of those… you’re gonna feel so much better.” – Dr. Buquet (38:26)

Facing Family Resistance and Protecting Yourself (43:12 – 47:04)

• Healing Triggers Family Backlash:
  • When you break cycles or bring up hidden pain, it can activate family members’ shame, causing them to shut down or deny (43:12).
• Letting People Be Themselves:
  • “You cannot change a person’s reaction. You can change your response… let them be who they are.” – Dr. Buquet (45:40–46:09)
• The Power of the Pause:
  • When triggered, use a one-second “pause” to choose a response instead of reacting automatically. This is the gold of cycle breaking (68:00–69:21).

Tools for Maintaining Boundaries and Centeredness (47:04 – 51:54)

• Practice your new tools before family exposure: Master them alone, then try them in triggering family interactions (49:41).
• Visualize Everyone’s Nervous Systems:
  • Recognize that everyone is operating at their own level of healing; the dynamic may not change, but you can.

Compassion, Reframing, and Holding Dual Truths (56:18 – 63:54)

• Compassion for Past Generations:
  • Greater understanding comes with age and self-reflection; parents often did the best they could with the tools they had (56:18).
• Recognizing What You Inherited:
  • Focus not only on trauma, but also on ancestral strength, wisdom, and resilience.
  • “We can’t lose sight of the fact that we are inheriting more than just pain. We’re also inheriting strength, resilience…” – Dr. Buquet (63:23)

Estrangement, Boundaries, and the Loneliness Epidemic (64:23 – 67:51)

• Setting "Boundaries" vs. Building Walls:
  • True protection sometimes means temporary space for processing, not always permanent estrangement.
  • “Right now, we’re undergoing a loneliness epidemic... and we’re distancing ourselves more and more from people rather than equipping ourselves with the tools to bridge connections.” – Dr. Buquet (66:14)

Emotional Literacy and Intergenerational Repair (69:21 – 71:04)

• The Gift of Emotional Literacy:
  • Teaching children (and ourselves) to name, feel, and manage emotions, as well as model repair and accountability, is transformative.
  • “Naming your emotions... Apologizing to kids... To be able to give voice to a child’s needs, to their thoughts about a situation and to offer them an opportunity to see us mess up and repair is transformative.” – Dr. Buquet (69:36–71:04)

Practical Takeaways for Listeners (72:35 – 80:53)

• Choose the journey daily:
  • “The most critical thing will be to choose the journey, right? You have to choose it every day. Every day you have to make a choice. I’m going to stick this out until I feel different...” – Dr. Buquet (72:35)
• Real Change Is Always Possible:
  • Healing can happen at any age—sometimes after decades of pain (80:24–80:53).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You are not broken. You are simply carrying around generations of pain...” – Dr. Buquet (20:48)
• “No individual in your family... can validate your experience, because that’s an internal job.” – Dr. Buquet (12:47)
• “She’s able to experience reciprocity in relationships. She’s able to receive without guilt.” – Dr. Buquet on the potential of the healed eldest daughter (17:13)
• “Shame loves closed doors. It loves to hide. If you expose someone to something before they’re ready, they’re just going to clam up.” – Dr. Buquet (43:12)
• “When you can separate yourself and the one second automatic response that you have, you are the most powerful person in the room.” – Mel Robbins (77:05)
• "Every day presents an opportunity for us to break the cycle and shift the emotional legacy of our family line." – Dr. Buquet (73:07)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment / Topic | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 06:08 | Concept of family healing when others don’t participate | | 09:35 | The myth of the perfect parent; grieving the “false family” | | 13:29 | The eldest daughter, parentification, and long-term effects | | 17:29 | Compassion for parents & why intent matters | | 20:48 | “You are not broken”—validating and empowering the listener | | 21:15 | The fixation and exhaustion of being the family ‘fixer’ or emotional caretaker | | 27:53 | The hardest first step: acknowledging truth and family secrets | | 32:47 | What micro-moments of healing look like every day | | 35:24 | Favorite nervous system tools: rocking & humming | | 38:02 | When triggered, pause and deep breathe for five minutes | | 43:12 | Why family backlash happens when you heal | | 45:40 | “Let them”: letting family members react, focus on your own response | | 49:41 | Practicing regulation tools before family exposure | | 56:18 | Compassion for parents as central to healing | | 63:23 | Intergenerational strengths—seeing the good you’ve inherited | | 68:00 | The “one second” pause: measuring progress in cycle-breaking | | 69:36 | Emotional literacy as the ultimate parental gift | | 72:35 | The one most important action: choosing the journey daily | | 80:24 | Lifelong potential for change, no matter how long the dysfunction has lasted |

Actionable Strategies from Dr. Buquet

• Acknowledge the Reality: Name your family’s truths to yourself before involving others.
• Practice Micro-Moments: Integrate small acts—like visualizing peace, affirmations, deep breathing, rocking, or humming—into your daily routine to regulate your nervous system.
• Auto-Validation: Stop seeking external validation for your pain; develop internal sources of comfort and affirmation.
• Compassionate Perspective: See your family through the lens of their own woundedness and historical limitations.
• Use the Power of the Pause: When triggered, take a conscious pause to choose your response.
• Model & Teach Emotional Literacy: Name your emotions, apologize and repair openly, and invite children to discuss their feelings.
• Set Boundaries with Intention: Temporary boundaries are sometimes needed for healing and should always be paired with compassion and a desire for reconnection if possible.

Final Reflections

• Healing as a Lifelong, Daily Choice:
  Healing family patterns and your own pain is not a one-time act—it’s a daily commitment, sometimes requiring you to choose (and re-choose) growth and compassion.
• You Cannot Control Others—Only Your Response:
  The greatest power lies in changing your relationship with your triggers and modeling a new way forward.
• Intergenerational Healing is Legacy Work:
  Your effort not only breaks cycles for you but shapes the lives and emotional health of future generations.

For Listeners

If this episode resonated with you:

• Share it with your family, siblings, and especially with the men in your life, who may be less likely to seek support but need it just as much.
• Remember: "Every day presents an opportunity for us to break the cycle and shift the emotional legacy of our family line." (73:07)
• Choose to be the cycle breaker.

Follow Mel Robbins @melrobbins and Dr. Mariel Buquet for more resources.
Read Dr. Buquet’s book “Break the Cycle” for a deeper dive into these concepts.