The Mel Robbins Podcast
Episode: Life Lessons From 100-Year-Olds You Didn’t Know You Needed
Date: November 20, 2025
Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Dr. Carl Pillemer, Professor of Gerontology, Cornell University, Founder of the Cornell Legacy Project
Episode Overview
In this profound episode, Mel Robbins sits down with Dr. Carl Pillemer, a leading expert on aging, to unearth the life lessons, regrets, and enduring wisdom from individuals in their 80s, 90s, and beyond. Drawing on insights from the Cornell Legacy Project—a decade-long study gathering advice from thousands of elders—Mel and Dr. Pillemer unpack what really matters at the end of life and how we can act on these revelations now to live with more meaning, fulfillment, and fewer regrets.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Value of Time & The Urgency to Live Intentionally
- Aging brings a crystal-clear focus to what actually matters.
- Elders emphasize that life passes by "in a nanosecond," urging younger people to use time purposefully, not squander it on routine or things that don't matter.
- Dr. Pillemer (07:37): “You would treat moments and conversations and days with people you love as precious rather than routine you’re just walking through. Life can’t be deferred.”
2. The Legacy Project: Learning From Elders
- Modern society has lost the tradition of seeking advice from our oldest members, missing out on their practical wisdom.
- Origin Story: An encounter with an elderly nursing home resident, June Driscoll, sparked Dr. Pillemer’s work, leading to the insight, “Happiness is a choice and not a condition, and you learn to be happy in spite of things.”
- (10:25): “Young man, you will realize that when you get to be my age, that happiness is a choice and not a condition.”
3. Core Life Lessons & Regrets Identified by Elders
- Happiness is a product of choices amid circumstances: It’s not a future destination, but an ongoing, daily practice.
- Biggest Regrets:
- Wasting time worrying about things that never happened.
- Not spending enough time with loved ones while they were still here.
- Caring too much about others’ opinions at the cost of authenticity and happiness.
- Dr. Pillemer (21:23): “When I analyzed all the regrets... they are much more about people than they are about career.”
4. Practical Advice for Living Well
- Distinguish What You Can and Can’t Control:
- “The secret to a fulfilling life is to be able to distinguish and act on the difference between what you can control and what you can’t.” (13:08)
- Let go of mindless worry—elder wisdom is united in urging younger people to “stop worrying so much.”
- Plan, Don’t Worry: Replace worry with planning and proactive steps.
- “Optimization with compensation”: Accept limitations with age, but maximize what's still possible (15:41).
- E.g., If you can’t climb mountains, at least go hiking!
Five Essential Life Lessons From Elders
As summarized by Mel Robbins and Dr. Pillemer (42:37 onwards):
1. Always Be Honest
- Integrity shapes your life narrative and mitigates regret.
- Regret over dishonesty (personal or business) weighs heavy at life’s end.
- Dr. Pillemer (44:57): “Ask yourself right now, is there something I’m doing that is on the borderline of honesty—even that I will later regret?”
2. Say Yes to Opportunities
- People regret the risks not taken more than the ones that didn’t work out.
- Accept opportunities unless there’s a compelling reason to say no.
- Dr. Pillemer (49:52): “You absolutely are much more likely to regret things that you didn’t do than things you did.”
3. Travel More
- Travel (big or small adventures) is repeatedly cited as a life highlight and source of fulfillment.
- Elders wish they had chosen experiences over material upgrades (like a kitchen remodel).
- Dr. Pillemer (51:42): “If you have a choice between a kitchen remodel or a trip, take the trip.”
4. Choose a Mate With Extreme Care
- Your life partner is the most consequential decision; take time to ensure compatibility.
- Birds of a feather flock together: Marrying someone fundamentally similar, especially in core values, predicts long-term satisfaction.
- Value friendship and nurture shared interests.
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Dr. Pillemer (59:00): “Embrace your partner’s interests. Don’t be angry about their hobbies—join them!”
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Fun Marriage Tip (Sleep & Sandwiches) (64:15): "Don't go to bed angry—and if you’re fighting, grab a snack!"
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5. Say It Now
- Express love, gratitude, apologies, and ask questions while you can.
- Unspoken words cause deep lifelong regret.
- Dr. Pillemer (68:35): “Unless you believe in seances, the only time you can share your deepest feelings is while people are still alive… If you are pondering saying something now—just do it.”
Regrets About Family & Estrangement
- Unresolved Family Rifts Are Deeply Painful:
- Estrangement from children, siblings, or parents is a common, haunting regret.
- Anticipatory Regret:
- If you sense a rift developing, act now to prevent future guilt.
- Advice for Reconciliation:
- “Lighten up,” connect through activities rather than intense conversations, let unsolicited advice go, and treat family relationships more like friendships.
- Dr. Pillemer (40:34): "Many people who overcame an estrangement didn’t do it by having a huge conversation about the past. They started to go to a bingo parlor together, or they went to a weaving workshop, or played golf together."
Self-Acceptance & Letting Go of Perfectionism
- Learn to accept yourself, mistakes and all.
- Don’t second-guess past decisions or obsess over what could have been.
- Practice self-compassion and ask: “Will I really care about this when I’m 80?”
- Dr. Pillemer (73:23): “If you’ve bought a pair of shoes, don’t look at the shoes in the next store window.”
The “Happy In Spite Of” Principle
- Happy if only is a trap.
- Choose to find happiness “in spite of”—not because everything is perfect, but as a conscious daily choice.
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Mel Robbins (76:05): “It’s so easy to be waiting around for happiness… It’s a skill that you can learn to be happy in spite of everything that’s going on...”
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Dr. Pillemer (79:01): “Older people are happier than younger people—despite bearing burdens of chronic disease and loss. They’ve learned to choose to be happy given their circumstances.”
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The Science & Power of Gratitude
- Consistently expressing gratitude—even for small, mundane things—buffers stress and increases well-being.
- Even amid adversity, infusing your day with positive emotions reduces negativity.
- Dr. Pillemer (85:14): “If you can infuse a positive emotion into that, your negativity will drop.”
Key Practices for a Healthier, Longer Life
- Don’t brush off health in youth, thinking you’ll just “die a bit earlier.”
- Choices in your 30s-50s massively impact quality (not just length) of life.
- Dr. Pillemer (82:04): “You aren’t going to live unhealthily and then drop dead; you’re going to be burdened with chronic disease.”
Most Transformative Takeaway
- Live Like Your Life Is Short
- Making decisions with the knowledge that life is fleeting changes your priorities—prompting you to focus on relationships, fulfillment, and meaning over accumulating things or staying stuck.
- Dr. Pillemer (87:15): “Live like your life is short. … You cannot waste it on things that aren’t ultimately fulfilling.”
- “Teach us to number our days so that we may get ourselves a heart of wisdom.”
- Making decisions with the knowledge that life is fleeting changes your priorities—prompting you to focus on relationships, fulfillment, and meaning over accumulating things or staying stuck.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
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On worry:
- “Know for a fact that when you reach the end of your life… you will say, ‘A lot of the things I worried about didn’t happen… I wish I had that time back.’”
(16:50, Dr. Pillemer)
- “Know for a fact that when you reach the end of your life… you will say, ‘A lot of the things I worried about didn’t happen… I wish I had that time back.’”
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On prioritizing relationships:
- “When you come to the end of your life, you are going to value people and experiences over things.”
(25:13, Dr. Pillemer)
- “When you come to the end of your life, you are going to value people and experiences over things.”
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On advice to self:
- "Ask yourself right now, is there something I’m doing that is on the borderline of honesty, that I will later regret?"
(44:57, Dr. Pillemer)
- "Ask yourself right now, is there something I’m doing that is on the borderline of honesty, that I will later regret?"
-
On the passage of time:
- “It seems like it passed by in a nanosecond.”
(87:15, Dr. Pillemer, quoting a 99-year-old)
- “It seems like it passed by in a nanosecond.”
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On saying it now:
- “When you’re waiting for the right time to say something, you are wearing a weighted backpack... the second you say what you need to say, you take the backpack off.”
(70:08, Mel Robbins)
- “When you’re waiting for the right time to say something, you are wearing a weighted backpack... the second you say what you need to say, you take the backpack off.”
Useful Timestamps
- Intro & Purpose of Episode: 00:00–05:28
- The Legacy Project & Insightful Origins: 07:54–11:31
- Key Lessons & Regrets from Elders: 13:08–16:50
- Biggest Regrets: 21:23–25:13
- On Caring What Others Think: 25:49–28:05
- Advice on Family & Estrangement: 33:22–41:22
- The Five Essential Lessons: 42:37–68:17
- On Self-Acceptance: 71:59–73:23
- Happy In Spite Of Principle: 76:05–79:01
- On Gratitude: 85:14–86:56
- Most Transformative Takeaway: 87:15–89:52
Final Reflections
Mel closes the episode with gratitude, naming the urgency and opportunity these life lessons offer. The invitation: don't just listen—act. Express love, pursue what matters, stop waiting, and “live like your life is short.”
For Listeners Who Haven’t Heard the Episode
This episode offers a data-driven, emotionally rich roadmap to living a more intentional, fulfilling life—straight from those who have lived it. The advice is practical, wise, and often counter to what we expect from elders. Whether you’re in your 20s or your 70s, these lessons are actionable today and could change your life's trajectory.