Diego Perez (4:26)

Thank you so much, Mel. It's an honor to be here.

Mel Robbins (4:29)

You know, I've never met somebody in real life that has a pen name.

Diego Perez (4:34)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (4:35)

And so I feel almost like I'm doing something wrong by calling you Diego.

Diego Perez (4:41)

Now, Diego is the right name. That's the name my mother gave me. But Young Pueblo is a pen name that helps me just stay focused and really understand that humanity as a whole is growing.

Mel Robbins (4:51)

What does that mean? Humanity as a whole is growing?

Diego Perez (4:53)

When I started meditating, I started realizing that I was really immature. But I've also really enjoyed studying history. And then I thought, I'm like, wait. Humanity is also very immature. Like, we don't know how to do the basic things we don't know. How to clean up after ourselves, how to share, how to be kind to one another, how to stop hitting each other. The basic things that we try to teach people who are, you know, children in kindergarten, we haven't mastered these fundamentals.

Mel Robbins (5:17)

Interesting. Wow. It's so true.

Diego Perez (5:22)

Totally, totally. The things that we try to teach children, 4 year olds. Humanity as a whole is still learning these basics.

Mel Robbins (5:30)

Oh, I'm so excited to get into this. Does having a pen name help you drop into Your deeper thoughts?

Diego Perez (5:37)

Totally. Having a pen name just helps me be really honest. It helps me be in touch with what's true and what's difficult about my own story and just have the freedom to really go deeply into suffering, the suffering that we all experience.

Mel Robbins (5:53)

Wow. Well, what I'd love to have you do is I'd love to have you speak directly to the person who is with us right now. They're somewhere in the world, and they've found and made the time to be here with you and me and learn from you and learn something about themselves. Could you share with them what they might experience about their life that could be different? If they take everything you're about to teach us today to heart?

Diego Perez (6:22)

If you're gonna come hang out with us today, I think the main things that you're gonna get are inner peace, a new sense of gratitude, and new clarity around how to best show up in your relationship.

Mel Robbins (6:35)

Okay, we're gonna accomplish that in this conversation.

Diego Perez (6:37)

I think we should try.

Mel Robbins (6:38)

You know, Diego, you say that you don't need to hit rock bottom to become the best version of yourself. What do you. What do you mean by that?

Diego Perez (6:48)

I think a lot of times we think about transformation in a much more dramatic context where we have the idea of rock bottom and we think that we need to actually hit it to become the best version of ourselves. But I've seen it done a lot of ways. I went through my own rock bottom, but I've also seen my wife and different friends change their lives for the better without necessarily hitting a rock bottom. It more so is a moment of awareness when they realize, oh, I could do things a little bit better. I can create a much more peaceful atmosphere in my own mind and have that show up in my life.

Mel Robbins (7:20)

What's interesting is, do you think that the rock bottom moment for you is what also made you go? I don't think I want to let it get that bad. I want to start noticing sooner.

Diego Perez (7:32)

Oh, totally. It was either change or die. Honestly, I mean, for me, it got really bad. I hit a rock bottom that was driven by my inability to feel my own emotions. Like, I was so afraid of my emotions that I would chase after drugs and alcohol and get myself to a point where, you know, my body was breaking.

Mel Robbins (7:54)

Would you read us the poem that you've written about this?

Diego Perez (7:58)

I was never addicted to one thing. I was addicted to filling a void within myself with things other than my own love.

Mel Robbins (8:07)

What does that mean?

Diego Perez (8:08)

It means that when you don't have self love, you end up finding These superficial things to run away from yourself. And I didn't know how to deal with my own pain. The pain of growing up in poverty, the pain of, you know, seeing my parents fight to figure out how to pay the rent, to put food in the fridge. Seeing this constant struggle filled me with so much anxiety, so much sadness, but I had no real way to process it. So what ended up happening was I just developed a lot of bad habits to run away from myself.

Mel Robbins (8:39)

One of the reasons why I love your story so much and I didn't know a lot of your backstory. I had just followed you online for years, but I was excited to talk to you because there are so many people around the world that listen to this show who are in their 20s or have people in their 20s and their families that they're really worried about. And it makes it so relatable. So can you kind of put us at the scene of when this breakdown started to happen?

Diego Perez (9:05)

Yeah. So it was from 20, from when I was 20 years old to about 23. I'm in college. I'm sort of just, you know, lost in this space of trying to run away from myself as fast as possible. So what I would notice was that whenever I would feel these intense emotions, when I would feel sadness, when I would feel anxiety, what I would do was I would roll up another joint, drink, go out to parties, stay around people, make sure that I was never alone. Just trying to avoid myself as much as possible. And really, it just felt like whenever the tension was too big inside of me, I had to run. I had to run because I was scared of what was inside.

Mel Robbins (9:47)

Well, what's interesting about the word run is that if you haven't stopped to think about this for yourself, or if you're listening or watching right now and there's somebody in your life that is either struggling or they're not thriving in their life. Oh, yeah, right. And you're not quite sure how to reach them. You don't stop and think about what the experience is like. Cause there is so much friction and tension in your life when you are not thriving. I mean, nobody's an idiot, you know, when you're not doing well. But when you use the word run, what you're basically saying is in those moments, here you are in college, you wake up, you feel a sense of tension. You can't handle that feeling. So you reach for the joint. Yeah, you're alone.

Diego Perez (10:37)

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (10:37)

You start to feel self conscious or lonely. You can't handle that feeling. So you reach for the drink. You don't like being on your own because then you get lost in your thoughts. So you are constantly reaching for friendships or toxic relationships or for a lot of people, it's like social media. It's this constant need to fill something.

Diego Perez (10:57)

Yeah. And it's some form of distraction. Right. You're trying to just busy your mind with something external so that you don't have to face the reality within. And it becomes really challenging because you can fall into that level of survival mode where it becomes dangerous. It just becomes dangerous to your livelihood. And I could feel over that, that period between 1920-23, I could feel my body falling apart. It was just getting weaker and weaker and weaker until it was that rock bottom moment where I was on the floor crying. I could feel my heart breaking. I, like, literally, like, I talked to a doctor a week after, explained to them what happened. They said it sounded like a mild heart attack. And I could feel how my body was completely out of rhythm and if I kept going in this direction, I was going to die.

Mel Robbins (11:51)

Was there something that happened? Like. Like, you know, because you hear a story like this and you're like, what was going on?

Diego Perez (11:57)

It was like a slow car crash. And it just got to the point where my body couldn't handle all the drugs. You know, it wasn't just like marijuana and alcohol. It was like different pills, cocaine, like really whatever I can get my hands on. And putting all of that into your body at once, your body's gonna say stop.

Mel Robbins (12:17)

Well, what's interesting about it is that people, when you hear a story like this, focus on the alcohol or you focus on the drug. But where you started was that there were all of these experiences that you had growing up, whether it was being an immigrant or having a family that was dealing with poverty or watching your parents fight, or I would imagine also struggling with a sense of belonging in all white communities. Like just lots of this stacked up that never gets processed.

Diego Perez (12:53)

Yeah, I think, I think it would have been a very different situation if this was happening now versus in, you know, 2010, 2011, because it was just a very different culture. Like there was no self love movement back then. There was no, you know, I didn't know anybody who meditated. I also didn't know anybody who was seeing a therapist. So there are these tools that are so widely available now and much more part of the culture. It wasn't like that back then. So from my whole time growing up, you know, I got to this country when I was four years old. I just had no Way to process my emotions, especially the difficult ones.

Mel Robbins (13:33)

So if the person that's listening is really resonating with this, whether it's with the reaching for something, whether it's alcohol or weed or distraction or the phone or toxic relationships or like constantly reaching for something or they're dealing with this emotional pain, you know, you're starting, as you listen and you watch, you're going, God, I've had a lot of that stuff happen. I've never talked about it. I haven't gone to therapy. I've never wanted to look at that thing. What's the very first thing you want the person who's watching or listening to do right now to start healing?

Diego Perez (14:11)

I think you really want to start realizing that you can crave distraction because you're afraid to feel your emotions. And when I was very much committed to running away from myself, the medicine was giving myself my own attention. That's why in that poem that I just read, it was I really wasn't addicted to anything. Like once I really started slowing down and paying attention to my emotions and giving myself that very active form of self love where I'm just accepting my own emotional history. The alcohol didn't have hold over me, the cocaine didn't have hold over me. It was just I was trying to fill my this void that was really deeply seeking my own attention.

Mel Robbins (14:53)

That's so interesting. Yeah, because people say you're afraid to feel your emotions. I think most of us just don't wanna deal with them. It's easier to smoke the joint and eat the gummy or have the beer than it is to pause and just feel boredom or frustration or sadness or loneliness. I mean, I know I'm certainly guilty of that. But this is why you say healing starts with self awareness, not distraction. But we live in this world that's moving faster than ever. And facing your emotions, I think it kind of feels impossible because there's so many distractions and because there's so many emotions that people are feeling right now. What do you say to somebody who feels that way?

Diego Perez (15:40)

I mean, we live in such a fast paced world that it really does feel like a form of rebellion to slow down. But the reason that you want to slow down is you have to recognize that it's an investment in your own inner peace. I think I distinctly remember the moment where I finally slowed down the first time where instead of rolling a joint, I sat on my bed and I could feel the anxiety coming up. And instead of rolling a joint, I just challenged myself. I said, sit on the bed. Just feel what's coming up. Even if it's scary, even if it's boring, even if you want to be distracted, just sit there for five, 10 minutes and just feel what's happening. And this is before I learned how to meditate or anything like that.

Mel Robbins (16:25)

I just gave you that idea to do that.

Diego Perez (16:27)

Oh, it was clear. I was like, if I'm going to live, I need to do the opposite of what was taking me towards death. So if I'm running away from my emotion, I have to feel it. I have to feel these emotions. If I'm lying to myself, I need to start telling myself the truth. And if I'm like, you know, gathering all these habits that are just making me sicker, I need to do the opposite and start feeding myself strength.

Mel Robbins (16:49)

What was the lie you were telling yourself?

Diego Perez (16:51)

The lie was really simple. It was that everything's fine, that I'm okay, that I'm going to be totally fine. And I was just avoiding that truth, that actually I don't feel that good, I'm not okay, and I have to pay attention to myself. I want to read you this passage about healing. The biggest factor in your healing is not time. It is your ability to face emotions that you used to run away from. Bringing your attention inward with presence. Breathing into the emotions and not attaching yourself to what's arising will help the heaviness evaporate. There is freedom in the subtle act of feeling your truth without clinging to it.

Mel Robbins (17:36)

What does that mean to you?

Diego Perez (17:38)

It means subtlety. And I think that's one of the difficult things about this quick time period that we're in, where everything is moving so fast, is that it's so easy to sway from extreme to extreme. But what we don't realize is that you can honor the truth of your emotions without letting them control you. You can feel the sadness without jumping into actions that you will later regret. You can feel the anger without just letting the narrative swim in your mind and create some fake stress that doesn't really need to exist. So having that reclamation of your power to just feel the emotion, be with it without letting it take control of your actions, I mean, that's the beginning of a different life.

Mel Robbins (18:21)

I love the word subtle. It is so powerful. Because you've talked about how even the word suffering doesn't have to imply some rock bottom moment. That suffering is when you go through life with so much friction and frustration and stress over the little that stress becomes your state of life.

Diego Perez (18:50)

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (18:51)

And what's amazing and hopeful about what you're saying is if we can just focus on the subtleties of managing your response to your emotions in the moment, that opens up a whole new door to a different life. Right?

Diego Perez (19:09)

Right. When you open yourself up to subtlety, you start seeing that peace is in the gray area. It's not in the black and white. It's not always yes or no. Sometimes it's just to observe, just feel what's happening in you without just letting your mind run into different narratives that can create your, you know, a new level of stress for yourself.

Mel Robbins (19:30)

You know, you described this moment where you were sitting on that bed and you said to yourself, just sit here for five minutes. Don't roll the joint.

Diego Perez (19:42)

Yeah. Do the boring thing.

Mel Robbins (19:44)

Just do the opposite of what you always do, which is reach for something else and just observe.

Diego Perez (19:54)

Right. No distraction, just feel. And it really helped me see that my emotions in my mind felt like. You know how like, when you're a child and you start sleeping in your own room and you're, like, really scared of the dark and you're looking in the corner and it feels like some ghoul is.

Mel Robbins (20:12)

Or for me, the clown under the bed.

Diego Perez (20:14)

Yeah. Yes.

Mel Robbins (20:15)

I just imagined that I. Like, there was something under the bed.

Diego Perez (20:18)

That's how that was my relationship to my emotions. They were so frightening. They were like a nightmare in my mind. But then when I actually said, it's time to face it, just feel. Didn't feel good. But it was okay. It was much better than I thought. It was way less scary than what I had sort of cooked up in my mind.

Mel Robbins (20:38)

So what about the person who's so used to chaos? This was me, by the way. So this is a question for myself that it feels like stability. Like, I'm so used to darting to the grocery store and then making the phone call and then being on my phone and then running to that store and then picking up this thing and then getting on that zoom call and da, da, da, and then running the kids and then feeding the dog. That that is what feels like stability. Right. Or is that a lie? I'm telling myself?

Diego Perez (21:07)

I think one thing you have to ask yourself is, are you disconnected from the present moment? Are you really present with your loved ones? Can you really enjoy a conversation with a dear friend? I think if you're missing out on all of that because you're thinking about what you need to do next, then you really have to train yourself to reconnect with the present moment because you're really missing out on the most joyful parts of life. So you can still get a lot done, but don't miss what's right in front of you.

Mel Robbins (21:34)

So if you had asked me that a couple years ago, the answer would have been, no, I'm not present. No, I am not connected. No, I am not cultivating any sense of peace because I am powering through everything I need to do and I'm stressed at every moment and I feel pressure to get it all done and I feel worried about everything around me. And you are saying that if you focus not on the bigness of it all, but on the subtlety of what's available to you at any moment, that is how you begin to create peace.

Diego Perez (22:12)

Absolutely. This is the universal truth that the greatest joy that you will find is going to be in the present moment. The greatest wisdom that you will find it's going to be in the present moment. Your happiness. You're going to find it in the present moment. You're not going to find it in your past memories.

Mel Robbins (22:28)

You're going to find.

Diego Perez (22:29)

You're not going to find it in what you're craving about in the future. But joy, peace, happiness, these things arise in the present moment. So if you're totally disconnected from the present moment, you're not letting yourself get the juiciest parts of life.

Mel Robbins (22:43)

There's a poem that you wrote about this. Can you share it with us?

Diego Perez (22:47)

Sure. When chaos is all around you, the wisest choice is to create peace within you. Inner peace is not always a pristine calmness. Sometimes it is accepting the tension inside of you without reacting to it, literally feeling it without reinforcing it, and then moving gently through your day.

Mel Robbins (23:13)

What does that mean? Can you give us a couple examples of how you can really create that peace within you in the middle of a modern chaotic world?

Diego Perez (23:22)

I think one of the most beautiful moments of self awareness that you can have is when you realize that a little bit of tension is moving through me today. I feel some anger, I feel some sadness. I'm still mad about the conversation that I had yesterday with my boss. But you're honoring that truth while still intentionally moving forward through the day with gentleness. You're being kinder to yourself. You're being aware of the words that you're giving to other people and you're not compounding it, you're not making it worse. You're not letting that tension just snowball into like something much bigger than it really needs to be. Really, it just needs its space to evaporate. And I think when you have that level of awareness, a Hard day can become a lot easier.

Mel Robbins (24:05)

You know, I don't know if you're aware of it as you're listening to Diego or watching us right now, but I guarantee you, if you just come into this moment, check your shoulders, because I bet, like, I just noticed as you were talking, you said the word tension. I'm like, oh, my shoulders are basically so hyped up, they could be earrings on my earlobes right now. And so I just, like, took a deep breath and dropped my shoulders. Because I think it creeps into your life in ways you don't realize it, whether it's gripping the steering wheel too tight or being frustrated that somebody's talking too loud in a cafe, or annoyed that somebody scheduled a zoom meeting at 4:30 and you were hoping to sneak out at 4. Like, all those moments are invitations to do what you're gonna teach us to do, which is to, instead of buying into the chaos, take a beat and create a little bit of peace within yourself. Like, protect yourself from that chaos.

Diego Perez (25:06)

Yeah. And that peace can start in the body. I love that you're pointing that, that back to, you know, are your shoulders up? Are you tense? Because when you intentionally bring that awareness to the body and relax, it gives the mind a bit of peace.

Mel Robbins (25:23)

Is there a particular, like, mindset shift that changed the trajectory of your life because you went from sitting on a bed and not rolling a joint as that moment where things changed, you had this insight of, I'm not okay, I'm gonna stop lying to myself. I'm not okay. And since I don't know exactly what to do, I'm just gonna do the opposite of what I've been doing. And is there another mindset shift? Cause those are all small shifts in the way that you look at the world and yourself. But is there another one that changed the trajectory of your life?

Diego Perez (26:02)

Absolutely. The biggest one and the one that I'm probably going to be learning throughout the rest of my life, is embracing change and how I need to work with the universe instead of against it when I go away and meditate in these long 45 day silent retreats.

Mel Robbins (26:18)

Wait, hold on. You go on 45 day silent retreats?

Diego Perez (26:22)

Yes. I've done 45 days. Twice. 30 days, three times.

Mel Robbins (26:27)

What is that? Like, does your mind go silent? Are you constantly talking to yourself?

Diego Perez (26:32)

The mind gets pretty powerful. Yeah. I mean, it's loud in the beginning, and after some time it does calm down significantly and it becomes like a really powerful microscope. And we don't quite realize that we have a Sample of the entirety of the universe in our body. And when we turn that attention inward and we start noticing, like, what is this universe composed of? The main thing that pops out is change. This universe is composed of change. And when we look at this universe, whether you're looking at the cosmological level, at the conventional level that you and I exist, on the atomic level, everything is flowing and changing and moving forward. So if you fight that, it's going to hurt. And if you embrace change, you're going to be able to flow and move with life. So to me, it's like one of the most fundamental things that I've learned in my life is that if I'm struggling, I'm probably not embracing change or, ooh, wow.

Mel Robbins (27:31)

So it sounds like the transformation started with that one decision. I'm gonna sit here. Then you made another. I'm not gonna lie to myself. I'm not. Okay. I don't wanna feel like this. And after you put the joint down, you then said you started focusing not on the past or how you felt in the moment, but what are the things I could start to do that are the opposite? I could take better care of myself. I could stop the drugs. I could start exercising, just kind of building better habits. And this is all became a meditation master. This is just like you're a college guy trying to pull yourself together. But how did the writing begin? Like, I got a lot of popcorn popping upstairs, so maybe I should write some of this down. Is that kind of what started happening?

Diego Perez (28:14)

Yeah. And then my intuition started roaring. My intuition was like, look, you are not perfectly healed, you are not perfectly wise, but you are taking steps forward, and it's worthwhile to openly reflect. And that's when.

Mel Robbins (28:29)

Now, had you ever journaled before?

Diego Perez (28:31)

No, never journaled. And. But I just started feeling all of these quotes and sentences and reflections pop up in my mind. And it started also with little essays. And I was really just processing. I was like, the reflections were me trying to understand, like, what. What is attachment? Like, what is love? How can I be a much kinder version of myself? And then I thought to myself, well, let me see if this makes sense to other people. So I started putting them into black and white images, sharing them online with little essays underneath. And I saw that people were also in the midst of building their self love.

Mel Robbins (29:09)

Just listening to you, I already feel more peaceful. And I also feel like it's a great moment for us to hit the pause button and take a quick break and allow our amazing sponsors to share a few words. And I also want to give you a chance to share this timeless wisdom with people in your life who deserve to be happier and to heal and to find more peace in this chaotic world. Don't go anywhere, because more of this wisdom will be waiting for you after a short break. So stay with me. So, Oakley, you've got one year of college under your belt. How are you feeling about heading into year two?

Diego Perez (29:48)

Honestly, a little more prepared. I know what I actually use now. Apps, music, stuff to stay organized and sane.

Mel Robbins (29:55)

Which is why I just bought you Apple Gift Cardigan. You know what you need better than I do?

Diego Perez (30:00)

Yeah, it's perfect. Grabbing a planner app, a new iPhone, charging cable, and an Apple Music subscription for inevitable late night study sessions.

Mel Robbins (30:08)

That's the point. Whether it's for school, for studying, or just for fun, it's one card that gives it all.

Diego Perez (30:13)

And you can send it right to someone's inbox.

Mel Robbins (30:15)

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Diego Perez (32:53)

I mean, if you are disconnected from yourself, you're going to have a really hard time connecting with another person. And I noticed that as soon as I started meditating, I was faced with that truth of, wow, my relationships were so superficial because I was so far away from myself. So as soon as I started telling myself the truth, just living in this new honesty, I saw that I was able to show up in all of my relationship, not just with my wife, but with my parents, with a new level of honesty to have a better sense of presence with them.

Mel Robbins (33:25)

You know, when I hear you talk about this, I think a lot about high school and college and law school. And I don't have a lot of really close friends from those years in my life. And I can look back and now say it's because like you, I had a lot of pain and a lot of emotion that I didn't know how to process. And the thing that kept me distracted was constantly being in a new relationship, constantly needing to be dating somebody, constantly needing to be with the person that I was dating. And it makes so much sense that if you're disconnected from yourself, which I was, you can't build strong relationships, which is why I didn't.

Diego Perez (34:13)

No. And the person is always going to feel a little far away and you won't quite realize that that distance is measured equally to the distance that you are far away from yourself.

Mel Robbins (34:24)

There's a poem of yours that I read about this that I just loved. Could you share it with us right now?

Diego Perez (34:30)

You cannot build a deep connection with someone who is disconnected from themselves.

Mel Robbins (34:38)

How do you know if you're in a relationship with someone else who's disconnected from themselves?

Diego Perez (34:44)

I think the primary way is if they really struggle with vulnerability. I think that's how you know if you can be honest with yourself, if you have that strength, then you can potentially, in a safe space, show that honest version of yourself, that vulnerable version of yourself. But if they really struggle to open up and just share their highs and lows with you, then there is a bit of disconnection there.

Mel Robbins (35:11)

What's the number one lie about relationships that people believe?

Diego Perez (35:14)

It's a total lie, that relationships are supposed to be easy. You have to learn how to love each other well, while the relationship shines a mirror on the ways you each need to grow, this is a big challenge to accept.

Mel Robbins (35:31)

Let's talk about that.

Diego Perez (35:32)

I think these romantic comedies have totally spoiled the culture, and they're very enjoyable. But when that's all you're fed, when all you see over and over and over again is people coming together only after they have had one challenge, and then it ends happily ever after, that slowly makes you think that love is going to solve everything. But the reality of love is that that is only the beginning. That just shows that there's a very strong connection there that I can feel very strongly for you. So I say, yes, I love this person, but do I know how to care for them? That's something wholly different. Learning how to care for someone means trying to really understand your emotional history, understanding your triggers, learning the ways that you like your happiness to be supported. That takes time. That doesn't just happen overnight.

Mel Robbins (36:28)

I think it's a very big fad right now to hear people say, oh, well, we broke up because they have a lot of healing to do.

Diego Perez (36:38)

Oh, yeah.

Mel Robbins (36:39)

Or, you know, I'm on my healing journey, which is, of course, what we're talking about. But there's something performative about it when people say it a certain way. But do you think it is true that you gotta find somebody who's healed, or you gotta find somebody that you can heal appropriately with? Or how do you think about that? Cause we're all on a spectrum, totally of our own journey to become a better version of ourselves, to deal with our emotions, to understand our past, to become who we're meant to be. So we're constantly colliding with other people who are not Whole and never going to be because we're always going to be changing. So how do you think about this?

Diego Perez (37:25)

This really comes back to our theme of subtlety and understanding. The balance between, like, you're never going to be perfect for a relationship, so waiting to be perfectly healed, you could be waiting your whole lifetime. A lot of healing can happen while you're learning how to develop a harmonious relationship. So I write often, you know, you don't need to wait for things to fall into this perfect place. If you find a deep connection, what matters is that do they have the willingness to grow? Because if I'm in a relationship, very quickly that mirror is going to be in front of me and I'm going to see what I'm good at and what I'm not good at. So am I willing to grow into a better version of myself so that I can best support your happiness?

Mel Robbins (38:14)

When I think about this topic, I believe all relationships are part of your healing process, even the really bad ones, because they teach you something, even the ones that break you apart. And I think we've all been in those. They teach you how to repair yourself. They teach you what the baseline is that you won't go back to. They teach you boundaries, they teach you self respect. And so when I started to think about if you look backwards and you assess everybody you've been with, they have all been a part of you growing in to the person that you're becoming. And when I look at it that way, I have a lot less judgment of myself, especially when I was the really toxic one in the relationship, that it was all part of the process that we all go through, that we are colliding with people all the time and they do serve a purpose, whether it seems so or not.

Diego Perez (39:16)

Yeah, I love hearing that too, because that humility, like that's what helps you grow is like you're not always going to get it right. And especially when you're with someone during one of the darker periods of your life, like, of course, I'm sure you did plenty of things wrong. We all have. And understanding who we were is not going to dictate who we will be, because we have that power to open up new chapters like we've been talking about. But it's. It's just critical to understand that you need to throw away perfection, throw away this idea of perfection and. But let it combine itself with this understanding that even though you don't have to be perfect, you can still grow. There are still qualities that you can develop. There are still Things that you can improve on.

Mel Robbins (40:00)

What's the biggest red flag in relationships?

Diego Perez (40:03)

If they are constantly overestimating their capacity and saying they will do certain things but end up not showing up, this is a sign that they struggle to face their own truth.

Mel Robbins (40:17)

What does that mean to you?

Diego Perez (40:20)

I think it just, you know, you have to really have a good relationship with honesty. Just be able to say what you can do and what I can't do. I think that's one of the key things about relationships, is both people understanding that I am the creator of my own happiness. Right. I can't make my wife happy. I can do my best to add joy to her life. I can do my best to support her happiness. But ultimately, happiness is a mindset that you need to cultivate within yourself. And once you do cultivate that, you have a much clearer sense of, like, what are my boundaries? You know, how much can I actually do in one day? How can I support your joy? And without that, you know, you get a bit lost.

Mel Robbins (41:03)

Well, and if you have somebody who's not lying, who's lying to you.

Diego Perez (41:06)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (41:06)

You don't know where you stand.

Diego Perez (41:08)

Totally.

Mel Robbins (41:09)

So let's talk about the green flags. What are the biggest green flags in a relationship?

Diego Perez (41:14)

The three biggest green flags are growth, kindness, and compassion. If they are consistently kind, if they care about growing, and if they can see beyond their own perspective, then this is someone worth your time and energy. Yeah, I think these, these three elements, kindness, growth, compassion, like what we've been talking about, growth is essential. If you're going into a relationship, you're going to have embrace the fact that you need to cultivate new qualities. The aspect of kindness is critical because you want. You don't want to forget to be sweet to your partner. You want to keep that gentleness there. But then the other critical aspect is a very specific type of compassion where you are stepping outside of your own perspective to witness the perspective of another person. That is the essential rule that helps resolve arguments. If the both of you can see each other, which means stepping outside of your own perspective, then you can have solutions.

Mel Robbins (42:17)

You have a beautiful poem that's all about the signs of a good and healthy relationship. Can you share it with us?

Diego Perez (42:25)

Yeah. Attributes of a good relationship, calm, communication hold space for each other. Honesty, no need to perform. Trust is strong. No need to control. Rest, laugh and adventure together. The love between you is empowering. Commitments to each other are clear. Both have the space to heal and grow Flexible. No need to always be together.

Mel Robbins (43:01)

Why do you think we keep repeating the same patterns in love, even when we know these patterns are hurting us or people that we care about.

Diego Perez (43:12)

Because for most of us, craving and attachment are the default. So that makes us very, you know, inflexible. And it keeps us back in the survival mode. It keeps us in our old patterns. And to literally break away from the past like that takes energy and it takes repetition. That's what we don't understand about the mind, is that all of these habits come from repetition, even the good ones.

Mel Robbins (43:36)

So you said you've built a home with another person a few times. That resonated with me. But what does it actually mean to you?

Diego Perez (43:46)

I want to unpack this more by reading something I wrote to you.

Mel Robbins (43:50)

Mel.

Diego Perez (43:51)

I have built a home with another person a few times now, always expecting it to be a lasting haven. As the storms came and went, the homes would show their weakness and eventually come apart, being left with the dread of sadness and the hollow feeling of unwanted new beginnings. It has finally dawned on me that if I build a home within myself, a palace of peace created with my own awareness and love, this can be the refuge I have always been seeking.

Mel Robbins (44:23)

How do you know if you are guilty of constantly trying to find a home within someone else? What does that feel like? How do you start to identify, oh my gosh, like, I'm seeking this from somebody else?

Diego Perez (44:37)

It's very clear. It's. If you're. If you're constantly trying to externalize your happiness, if you think that your happiness is solely coming from the TV show you're watching from the person that you're with, if your happiness feels fully dependent on another person, then there's a lot of disconnection there and you're not taking ownership over your own happiness.

Mel Robbins (44:59)

So does that mean if you're somebody that's obsessed with finding a significant other or obsessed with getting married, or like, you just feel like until that thing happens, there's something wrong with you. Like, how do you, like, start to really see that, Wait a minute. All I want is to build a home with somebody else, which is a beautiful thing to do.

Diego Perez (45:18)

Totally, totally. Those are fine goals to have, but you have to understand that once you get those goals, they will be ever more fruitful. If you already have a home within yourself, if you have a sense of joy when you're alone, if you're able to walk without being distracted all the time. I think these things, you know, the relationship, the marriage, it becomes more fruitful when you have been spend time cultivating a mindset of happiness on your Own.

Mel Robbins (45:46)

Well, this one really resonated with me because especially in my teens and twenties, before I met my husband and started doing a lot of work to face the things that I didn't like about myself so that I could feel comfortable in my own skin and feel at home with myself, I 1000% used the next relationship as a way to feel secure. The next relationship as the thing I poured my energy into, the next relationship as the home I was going to nest in to the utter destruction of strong friendships, my health, my studies, in school, all of it. And so I can see it for myself. I wonder if there's other examples of where you and either people that follow you and write to you, or in some of the work that you do with individuals or in researching this latest book, examples of kind of signs that you may be guilty of doing that too.

Diego Perez (46:49)

If you can't slow down and you can't befriend the present moment and you're almost too goal oriented, where you have to accomplish the next thing after another, after another, whether that's getting the partnership or chasing the next bonus or chasing the next sort of external validation, then something's missing internally.

Mel Robbins (47:06)

Yeah. And I think what I would add to that is that when I look backwards, I see that every one of these relationships kind of had an arc, hot and heavy, the chase, the attraction, all that stuff. And then all of a sudden, once the newness was over, the discomfort, the frustration, the friction inside of me, the agitation, the restlessness started to rise up and I would immediately go, oh, well, this is a sign that this person is not my person. And then I would end it and reach for the next one. Because the chase and the attraction and being in something new in and of itself became its own distraction.

Diego Perez (47:50)

Yeah, I think that's one of the things that I really enjoy writing about is that there are so many aspects of relationships that are just so mundane. Especially when you start going into something that isn't as new and is much more of a long term relationship. Like what you're gonna spend time doing is like cutting vegetables together, sitting on the couch, like solving a bunch of logistical problems. And there is sweetness in that simplicity that we overlook because we're constantly chasing highs. But the reality is that a lot of like a really healthy relationship will be boring at times. And we have to teach ourselves. Like if we want a long term relationship, you have to teach yourself to appreciate the highs and the lows.

Mel Robbins (48:33)

You know, you actually write about this, you've written that a lot of relationships don't start off harmoniously. What can be a normal rough beginning versus a sign that something's off?

Diego Perez (48:44)

Let me read you one of the most popular things I've ever written and posted online. Some relationships do not have harmonious beginnings. There is an undeniable pull that brings the two together, but there is also a distance between them created by their unhealed hearts. The space within them filled with the unknown and unseen causes miscommunication between the two, friction, and sometimes even unintentional pain. How can they treat each other well when they are still mysteries to themselves? The shift comes when both commit to turning inward to heal and know themselves naturally. This brings them closer together and elevates the love and support they share. Yeah, when you come into a relationship, you have to realize that there's probably still a bunch of healing to do. And especially when you get in front of a really good partner that you want to build something with long term, it's going to show you that there are deeper triggers, deeper trauma that you probably haven't even dealt with yet. So oftentimes, to be able to make the relationship successful, you do have to go into your own healing journey as you move with the relationship. And that's one thing that became really clear to my wife and I, was that the two of us choose to be together, but we're not one entity. Right. We're almost like two flowing rivers that have chosen to exist side by side each other. And we both saw that the first part of our relationship, it was chaotic. It was a constant blame game. We were constantly pointing fingers at each other. And a lot of that was because we just had a bunch of unresolved stuff. And as we started building that self awareness, slowly harmony started coming into our relationship.

Mel Robbins (50:33)

You know, I think about it almost like there's you, there's your partner, and then there's a third person in the relationship, and that's the marriage or the relationship. And that as each of you are working on becoming who you want to become, you also need to be working on that intersection of who you are together. I say to my kids that it's so easy to get caught up in the shiny stuff.

Diego Perez (51:06)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (51:06)

And to chase all the things that modern life becomes obsessed with. The looks, the money, the likes, the this, the title, the that. But at the end of the day, 80% of it is, does this person feel like home base? You know, like when you come home at the end of the day and walk through the door, is there friction and tension? Or do your shoulders drop and you Feel a sense of peace.

Diego Perez (51:28)

I mean, that's how you know. That's why, like I always talk about, you know, there's three guides inside you. There's your intuition that's pointing you forward like a compass. It's taking you to the best version of your life. There's your nervous system, which is helping, you know, like, who are the right people for you? What are the right tasks for you to engage in? And then there are your values, right? Like, does this align with how I want to show up in my life? These are three guides that can lead you to the best life possible.

Mel Robbins (51:59)

How do you know which guide to listen to? Different.

Diego Perez (52:01)

Different moments, right? So like, your intuition is like a slow, calm ebb. It's like a, like a wave that is slowly hitting the shore. And it's really consistent. I mean, my intuition was telling me to move to New York City months and months before I was ready. It was literally asking me to step outside of my comfort zone to open up a new chapter. And it did the same thing with writing. It was like, write, you know you're not healed, you know you're not fully wise, you know you have a ways to go, but reflect, share it openly. And it took me a while to listen. Your nervous system is there, so you know when you're around the right people because your shoulders can relax, you can put your guard down. And your values, you know, like kindness, compassion, honesty, whatever, your values that really show up, that mean a lot to you. You can check in and see, like, are my actions aligning with my values?

Mel Robbins (52:56)

Thank you for sharing that. I want to hit the pause button so we can give our sponsors a chance to share a few words. And I also want to give you a chance to share this conversation with people that you care about. We all deserve to feel more peaceful and today's conversation is the reset that your mind and soul needs. So don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Somehow summer got busy. Very busy. Too many plans, too many pings, not enough actual summer. Let go of all the to dos. Your summer escape starts with BMW where pure exhilaration is found on the open road thinking weekend escape. The BMW X3 SUV is sporty, agile and always down for a should we just go? Kind of trip. Toss your stuff in and hit the road. Need a little more space to overpack in peace. The BMW X5 plug in hybrid has high revving power, electric adaptability, and room for all the what if we need this extras. And the BMW i4 all electric, super responsive. Feels like you left the noise behind the second you shut the door. Three BMWs all ready to help you skip the chaos and enjoy the drive. The BMW Summer sales event is on now. Head to BMW USA.com to check it out. Beyond Yoga knows wellness isn't just what you do. It's how you live. And that includes what you put on your body. Premium activewear made from luxurious, soft, easy to care for fabrics built for real life, real bodies and real movement. It's female founded, female led and designed for every body and for all types of workouts, movement and life beyond the mat. We're in a culture obsessed with perfection, and that pressure is draining. Beyond Yoga isn't just about activewear. They're redefining modern wellness through the lens of movement, mindfulness and connection with a brand new platform. Seek Beyond. Launching alongside a fresh outdoor collection, Seek beyond is about growth that feels good. It's not about pushing harder. It's about choosing what matters more intention, more joy, more freedom to show up as you are. And Seek beyond launches with an original anthem written and performed by writer, producer, actress and entrepreneur Lisa Ray. For a limited time, visit BeyondYoga.com and access a 20% welcome offer for new customers using code Mel, you ever get hot in bed? The sweaty kicking the sheets off, flipping the pillow over 50 times kind of hot. It's ridiculous. And if you've ever woken up drenched in sweat at 3:00am, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Getting good sleep isn't just nice, it's essential. It affects everything. Your focus, your mood, your ability to make it through the day. If your mattress is making you sleep hot, upgrading isn't just smart, it's a power move. That's where Mattress Firm steps in. Mattress Firm's sleep experts match you with the right cooling mattress. Like the Tempur Breeze, it's got advanced cooling technology for hot sleepers, plus pressure relieving support for those annoying aches and pains. And with free and fast delivery right to your door, better sleep starts right away. For the great sleep you deserve, visit Mattress Firm. They make sleep easy. Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are spending time feeling more peaceful and inspired with number one, New York Times bestselling author Diego Perez. So we've been talking a lot about finding more inner peace. And over the break, I was thinking about what I wanted to ask you next. And this is the question I have that I'd love to unpack. Why is it so hard for people to set Boundaries and hold them.

Diego Perez (56:42)

I want to read you this passage. Having boundaries will help your growth flourish. If you don't like someone, you don't have to be around them. You can wish them the best in your mind and go along your own way. I think boundaries are tricky, right, because they're very useful. But you want to make sure that these boundaries don't become walls. Because if you are building boundaries in a way where you're trying to avoid problem solving, then you're building walls. But if you're trying to build boundaries that just help you feel a little more nourished and help you have space in your life so that you can breathe and you're not avoiding problem solving, then you're doing it right. But you have to measure it because you're bound. Like the boundary that you're going to have one year may not necessarily be what you're going to need, like two years from there.

Mel Robbins (57:35)

How do you describe boundaries? Like, how do you think about them? I love the, the fact that it's not a wall. But do you have a way that you describe what a boundary is in relation to you versus another person?

Diego Perez (57:49)

Yeah, I think it's just, it's simple. It's like just what you're willing to accept and not accept. I think if you know you're not going to accept maltreatment. I think if there is like, if, if someone's trying to speak to you in a way that's disrespectful, if they're trying to just take from you and take and take constantly and they're not giving anything, then there may be a person that you do want to help, but you can only help them so much. So you kind of have to just draw the line in the sand somewhere.

Mel Robbins (58:14)

But I think a lot of people accept a lot of mistreatment and a lot of disrespect. And so what is somebody actually struggling with? If they are not able to draw a line in the sand when they know they're in a situation where they're being disrespected or mistreated, that person is.

Diego Perez (58:37)

In dire need of more self love. Because self love means embracing your power and it means saying no to people pleasing. I think people pleasing is like just a giant thing that's happening globally and it's not the same as compassion.

Mel Robbins (58:50)

Let's talk about people pleasing because I think about the inability to say no or the fear of disappointing somebody as the same discomfort that not having a drink, not having a joint, putting down the phone Sitting with yourself. It's the same thing. The reason why we please other people and we can't say no and we put up with treatment that is disrespectful is because we can't handle the emotions that we think we're going to feel if we stand up to somebody, if we disappoint somebody. I think that's what's at the heart.

Diego Perez (59:29)

Of it, totally, and I would add to that too, is that we forget that we're hunter gatherers. We forget that we used to exist in tribes. So I think part of the mode of people pleasing is that we don't want to be kicked out of the herd. Right. There's a fear of solitude there that what if you're all alone and your friends don't want to be friends with you anymore or your partner doesn't want to be with you anymore? So part of us like leans into people pleasing because we just want to be part of the group.

Mel Robbins (59:56)

We want to get along. But you're here to say that's what's creating chaos in your life.

Diego Perez (60:01)

Totally. That there's a balance. There's that subtlety, that theme of subtlety keeps coming up where you can be in service of others while simultaneously being in service of yourself.

Mel Robbins (60:12)

How do you know when you found your people?

Diego Perez (60:14)

I think it's just this beautiful moment where it is easy for you to laugh together. It's easy for you to feel seen, and you feel like you can bring forward your vulnerability and think about things together without being heavily judged.

Mel Robbins (60:32)

Would you share that passage that you wrote about this?

Diego Perez (60:37)

Sure. If you are wondering who your people are, they are the ones who make your heart feel seen and your nervous system feel calm. Yes. It's that simple.

Mel Robbins (60:51)

It is that simple, isn't it?

Diego Perez (60:52)

It is. I think there are so many things that we over complicate, but I think there are times where like, does this person just feel good to be around?

Mel Robbins (60:59)

You know, with everything that you've learned and shared? I mean, 13,000 hours of meditation, millions and millions of people that follow you online and read your work. What does it really take to build a good life, in your opinion?

Diego Perez (61:16)

I think there's two. Two key elements and we've talked about both. But when you combine them together, it really helps you flow through life in a way where it becomes smoother to achieve your goals. And I think that's embracing growth and embracing change. I think when you really embrace change, you can't accrue tension. The stress that we were talking about, the anxiety where you may feel that stress and anxiety pop up from time to time, but then you remember that you control what you can control and what you can't control. You let it go, you let it flow. And when you accept the fact that there are habits that you can build that can make your life easier, what you need to do is figure out which ones you want to put energy into and then repeat them through repetition. They become second nature.

Mel Robbins (62:04)

Yeah. When you keep talking about fighting change, I can't help but think about this visual of being at an ocean and standing in the water and trying to punch the waves as they come, as if they're going to somehow disappear.

Diego Perez (62:21)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (62:22)

It seems so absurd to fight against the tide and the waves of change, and yet we do it when the alternative is to climb up on a raft and just ride the waves as they come.

Diego Perez (62:38)

That's the exact image I see in my mind, too. It's like if this universe is a river that's always flowing forward, then attachment is me trying to stand there against the current. I'm going to get knocked down, like, literally. And I'm talking about the old school of attachment, right? Attachment in the sense of craving for things to exist in a very particular way. You're just not going to beat the universe. The universe is just going to keep flowing forward and you'll eventually get knocked down. So let go where you can let go. Let me read you something that, when I posted it, so many people resonated with. How do you build a good life? Relentlessly follow your intuition. Build with people who also love to grow. Take responsibility for your healing. Love yourself so deeply that you feel at home in your own body and mind. Teach yourself to forgive. Never stop being a kind person.

Mel Robbins (63:37)

So beautiful. I get a lot of questions about how to know when it's your intuition versus your fear.

Diego Perez (63:47)

Yeah. So I would imagine.

Mel Robbins (63:49)

I would imagine 13,000 hours of meditation. You think about a lot of these little things, right?

Diego Perez (63:55)

Yeah, totally. It's a lot of the sounds the mind makes. A lot of the thoughts that pop up in the head are just the echoes of reaction or even the echoes of past pain. So intuition is not very mental. It's very bodily. Right. It's. It's coming more so from your core, and it's pointing you in a particular direction. And, you know, my intuition, like my craving is telling me, oh, I would love to have some ice cream tonight. That's not my intuition, that my intuition is more so focused on bigger things. And I've noticed over time that it's More so focused on trying to open up your next chapter as opposed to the day to day situation.

Mel Robbins (64:37)

I kind of have a similar way that I distinguish between fear and intuition. Intuition, like you said for me, is always centered kind of either here in the stomach or the heart. Fear is full body or it's more. It's loud, it's chatter, it's this, that. And the other thing is I noticed that fear always brings tension and friction and makes me feel depleted and small. And intuition, even if it makes me nervous, feels expansive.

Diego Perez (65:14)

Yes, I was literally gonna say that word. It's trying to help you expand.

Mel Robbins (65:17)

Yeah. And there's an energy to it. Even if you're nervous about it. There is something about the expansive nature of well, what if. Or imagine a world where. Or just head over there. So I agree with you. It feels more directional rather than specific, whereas fear is like loud and super specific. What are the three healthiest habits that everyone listening or watching should learn in order to improve their lives?

Diego Perez (65:49)

The three healthiest habits to learn. Number one, being grateful for the little things. Two, noticing when your nervous system is overwhelmed and responding by saying no to anything new that would consume your energy. And number three, don't hide your love. Let your friends and family know how much you care about them.

Mel Robbins (66:12)

I love these three habits because, number one, they're subtle, but the impact they have is profound. And so, as you hear those three right now or you're watching right now, I want you to really think about how simple this would be and what a big impact it would be. Number one, being grateful for the little things. And let's do this right now. This is how simple this is. What is something little that you're grateful for?

Diego Perez (66:41)

Oh my gosh. I think I'm always really grateful for natural spring water. Whenever I can really have some natural water, I think I just tastes so good and it's so nourishing. And honestly, the first thing that came to mind is I'm so grateful for my Toyota RAV4. It is so freaking reliable and it just never breaks. It always does its job. And in my mind, I have a hard time giving it up because it just works too well.

Mel Robbins (67:11)

And as you're listening to us, I want you to think of something specific. Small second habit. Notice when your nervous system is overwhelmed and respond by saying no to anything new that would consume your energy. And this is also one of those subtle things. Whether it's being overwhelmed at work and somebody asking you if you can cover their shift. And you, as a people pleaser, would Normally be like, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay. Even though you don't want to. Learning to take a beat and notice that you're overwhelmed and saying no. That is a subtle but powerful moment where you create peace for yourself instead of creating chaos in order to please somebody else.

Diego Perez (67:55)

Right. Part of reclaiming your power so that you can have real inner peace is having a good understanding of what your capacity is.

Mel Robbins (68:02)

I think another example of this is just invitations that you feel obligated. Whether it's going to a fundraiser or helping somebody do something, There are times when you do that because it fills you up. But if you're in a place where things are really chaotic and you're overwhelmed and your nervous system is fried, learning how to pause and say no is a habit that creates peace for you. Just in the saying of the no.

Diego Perez (68:30)

Yeah. And sometimes the invitations aren't just physical. Sometimes the invitations are emotional.

Mel Robbins (68:35)

Give me one.

Diego Perez (68:35)

Someone is trying to invite you into their anger. They just got home from work. They're super irritated by what happened. And you can feel that in their irritation, they want you to join them. But for the sake of your own peace, you can find that subtle place where you can sure listen to whatever their gripe is, whatever happens, but choose to live in your peace as opposed to joining them in their tension.

Mel Robbins (68:58)

Oh, another good one's gossip. Like when people are joining you in that emotionally destructive practice of trashing someone else in order to make themselves feel good or to bond with you. I love how you can just let them have that thing that they're doing, their emotions, their habit. But you can protect yourself from joining in.

Diego Perez (69:21)

Right. And especially if it's someone that you love, you can see them in their moment without becoming them, without just doing exactly what they're doing. I think that's one of my personal big goals for this year, is to just live in my peace as opposed to joining other people's tension.

Mel Robbins (69:36)

One of my big things this year, honestly, is saying no. Like just focusing. Coming out of launching the Let them theory book and just ending the leg of the tour in 2025, the natural thing to do would be to do the next thing.

Diego Perez (69:52)

Yeah, yeah.

Mel Robbins (69:54)

But for me, noticing that I'm already overwhelmed and tired and I don't want to do more. So saying no to anything, that is more this year, that's a great way for me to create peace in my life. And as you're listening or watching this, I want you to think about what are some things you could say no to? Who are the people that emotionally always Drain you. And how can you let them have their space and their suffering or their tension or their anger, but not join in with it? Protect yourself. I love what a great habit.

Diego Perez (70:29)

I think it's really important. And you have to realize too that your best work, the next great thing that you will do in your life will not come from a place of exhaustion. It's going to come from a place of this reservoir of rest, reservoir of calm. And when you can just let yourself breathe, this, the mind can connect in new ways where you can, you know, produce something of great service.

Mel Robbins (70:52)

Well, and I think we all have had the experience where if you've been lucky enough to have a break from work or to go away on vacation or take a staycation and not actually do something near the end of those moments away. People tend to make big life changes when they're walking on a beach or they're out in the woods or they're away from the chaos. Because you have a sense of peace where you can see things more clearly. And what we're talking about today is how to create that peace in small moments every day so that you can see things more clearly. You don't have to escape your life or go on a fancy vacation in order to create that space and that calmness, to really get clarity about what you want to do next or what changes you want to make or who you want to become, Right?

Diego Perez (71:43)

Just a simple moment of silence, going on a short little walk. All these things that you can do for yourself that are cool, quiet moments, literally pouring yourself some tea, like having these moments of presence can make you come in contact with your truth and then gain that energy to make a change.

Mel Robbins (72:02)

And the final habit. Don't hide your love. This is so beautiful. Let your friends and family know how much you care about them.

Diego Perez (72:10)

Yeah. This is one of my favorite lessons that I've learned from studying change through meditation, literally studying change within the framework of the body, is that we have this really combative relationship with change, right? We, we fight change, we hate change sometimes because we deeply crave for all the things that we like to always stay the same. But then we forget that change is what's allowing everything to exist. Like, if the universe were static, you and I would not be having this conversation. So change is allowing all these beautiful opportunities to appear in front of us. So to me, when I think about change and I'm spending time with my parents or spending time with my partner, these are beautiful moments that are right in front of me that I should spend time in These moments, not just thinking about something else. So arriving into these moments with a greater sense of presence really helps me enjoy them at a new level.

Mel Robbins (73:05)

You know, you said we have a combative relationship with change. I think we have a combative relationship with love because we spend most of our time with the people that we care about most, either taking our emotions out on them or wishing they would be different or being frustrated by who they are. And one thing that has changed my life for the better, obviously learning people to let people be who they are and who they're not. But in that space of acceptance, really being proactive about expressing love. Because we all sit back and we're like, why are they not in a hat? And we expect it from other people. And then we think we're giving a ton of love by trying to change people and tell people what to do and buy them things, hoping they'll do other things for us, versus just expressing how much we care about somebody, what we're proud of in terms of what we see them doing, and being the person that goes first in that. Because I've found the more that I express the things that I really admire or I'm proud of or I need from somebody else, it comes back tenfold. It starts with you, totally. How do you radiate peace, and how does that create more peace in your life and relationships?

Diego Perez (74:23)

The people with the best vibe are the ones who radiate peace. They intentionally heal their generational trauma and they are not interested in harming anyone. The energy in the room changes when they enter because they treat people with compassion. I think people can just feel you, right? If you are tense, if your mind is full of friction, if there are so many parts of you that remain unprocessed and unhealed, you can feel that tension in someone next to you. But when you are radiating that piece of someone who is. Who knows what they're working on, who is actually taking steps forward, then people are going to feel calmer around you because you know that you're moving forward with a mindset of compassion as opposed to a mindset of ego.

Mel Robbins (75:09)

What I think we've gotten wrong about power is that people think it's the loudest person, the richest person. It's actually the most peaceful person that is the most powerful person in the room.

Diego Perez (75:19)

Absolutely. Absolutely. And a peaceful mind is a powerful mind. When someone really has access to their own piece, their creativity soars, they're able to increase their capacity, and they're able to connect much more deeply.

Mel Robbins (75:35)

You tell people to Face the storm and evolve from it. What does that actually look like in real life? And how do you do that?

Diego Perez (75:44)

I want to read you this passage. They asked her, how do you get through tough moments? She answered, do not trust the way you see yourself when your mind is turbulent, and remember that even pain is temporary. Honor your boundaries, treat yourself gently, let go of perfection and feel your emotions without letting them control you. You have enough experiences to face the storm and evolve from it.

Mel Robbins (76:13)

I love the do not trust the way you see yourself when your mind is turbulent, and remember that even pain is temporary.

Diego Perez (76:20)

Oh, yeah. Going through a down moment. That is not the time to do self analysis. If your emotions are turbulent, if your sort of view is cloudy and gray, that's the time for you to treat yourself gently, for you to not be judgmental about yourself or other people. And it even helps to, like, let the people around you know that you're going through a tough day and just move forward with a sense of kindness towards yourself and others.

Mel Robbins (76:49)

So, Diego, if you had to give someone a prompt, so if the person listening is either at a moment where they're recognizing they really want to step out of the chaos and create more inner peace in their life, or they're going to share this with somebody in their life that they really hope can embrace what you're teaching us today. Is there a journal prompt that you could use today, right now, that you could share with the person listening or watching?

Diego Perez (77:23)

I think one of the best journal prompts that you can work on is a combination of two things. One is what are the patterns of the past that were holding me back? And two is what am I doing differently now that is making my life better? Because we don't give us give ourselves enough credit because oftentimes we're so judgmental and we don't realize that already we've taken steps forward into a better life.

Mel Robbins (77:52)

So is, what are the patterns of the past? Kind of like, what do I keep doing that I want to stop doing? Or what do I keep doing that is hurting me now?

Diego Perez (77:58)

Right. Like, what have I. What have I been doing in the past that has been making life difficult?

Mel Robbins (78:04)

Gotcha.

Diego Perez (78:04)

Right?

Mel Robbins (78:04)

And so you would have written down in your 20s, I do too much drugs, I'm in a lot of pain. I keep telling myself I'm okay and.

Diego Perez (78:11)

I'm not very attached, inflexible, avoiding my emotions and trying to seek external validation.

Mel Robbins (78:18)

Gotcha. And then what was the second one?

Diego Perez (78:20)

The second one is, what steps forward have I already taken? Because we don't give ourselves enough credit because oftentimes when. Even when we want to move in a better direction, like, we've already started drifting in that better direction, and it sometimes is unconscious. And I think we're way, way, way too hard on ourselves. And we need to realize, like, these tiny little steps that I'm taking, they matter.

Mel Robbins (78:44)

And acknowledging matters.

Diego Perez (78:45)

Yeah, they need to be celebrated.

Mel Robbins (78:46)

These are great prompts too, because as we've already talked about, every single day, there are constant moments that creep in where you're causing suffering because you're getting stressed out about things, you're frustrated about things. You're trying to control things beyond your control, which is always something that you can journal about and recognize and notice. And recognizing it helps you become more masterful at just letting it go when it comes.

Diego Perez (79:13)

Yeah. And being honest, pen to paper, that can really help build your self awareness. And self awareness is the essential foundation of personal transformation.

Mel Robbins (79:24)

Why?

Diego Perez (79:24)

Because if I can't see myself, I can't change.

Mel Robbins (79:28)

And you can't see yourself unless you're observing. Yeah.

Diego Perez (79:31)

Yeah. Exactly.

Mel Robbins (79:32)

What are your parting words?

Diego Perez (79:34)

I'm just wishing so much joy and peace to whoever's listening, especially if you're going through a really difficult moment. I've been there, You've been there. We've all been there. But just understand that there's so much more in the next chapter for you. So keep pushing forward. One tiny step will really make a difference.

Mel Robbins (79:53)

Well, I'll tell you what made a difference is having you here today in our Boston studios. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all the work that you do, for the books that you write, for being here, for being you. I'm so grateful that you came. And I cannot wait to see the difference that this conversation makes in people's lives all over the world.

Diego Perez (80:14)

It's a huge honor to be here with you. Thank you for being a source of inspiration in my life and for just showing the power of service.

Mel Robbins (80:22)

You're welcome. You're welcome. And I also want to thank you and I wanna acknowledge you. I think it's really cool that you took the time to listen to something that's not only gonna help you create a better life, but will help you create more peace in the life that you already have right now. And there's no doubt in my mind that if you apply the things that Diego shared with you today, you will feel that peace. You probably already feel peaceful now. And the fact that you chose to listen to this in my mind is evidence that you are capable of doing what needs to be done to become the person that you really envision yourself being. And just know that your friend Mel, I love you. In case no one else tells you that, I wanted to tell you I love you. And I believe in you. And I will be here cheering you on every step of the way. Alrighty. I will be waiting to welcome you in in the very next episode. I'll see you there. I'm gonna roll with it, everybody. Oh, did you change?

Diego Perez (81:23)

Yeah, got ready for me.

Mel Robbins (81:24)

Likes Zen jacket. Okay. You know, of course, here comes a frog in the throat right when we're about to start.

Diego Perez (81:31)

Thank you.

Mel Robbins (81:32)

Yeah, sure.

Diego Perez (81:33)

That's brilliant.

Mel Robbins (81:34)

Tracy, any notes? No, that's great. You're doing dynamite, by the way.

Diego Perez (81:38)

Yeah, this is fire. This is really fun.

Mel Robbins (81:40)

Cameron. You killed it, woman. My shoulders are basically so hyped up, they could be earrings on my earlobe right now. I could see people using that as their wedding mouse. That really resonated. Geez.

Diego Perez (81:53)

I think I'm okay. I'm like fully caffeinated.

Mel Robbins (81:55)

It's garbage day.

Diego Perez (81:57)

I'm so grateful for my Toyota RAV4. It is so freaking reliable.

Mel Robbins (82:03)

Boom. We got it. Great job. Well done. Wow.

Diego Perez (82:07)

Amazing.

Mel Robbins (82:10)

Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

Diego Perez (82:45)

SiriusXM podcasts.

Mel Robbins (82:52)

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