Mel Robbins (33:55)
Alex, great question. And this allows us to talk about myth number one, about confidence. And that myth is that confident people are the loudest and most extroverted in the room. So first things first, Alex, stop beating yourself up because you're a little bit more introverted. And what I can tell based on your question is that you do want to be more visible. You do want to have a breakthrough in the skill of confidence because you do want to be somebody that's contributing your ideas. So I want to tell you the truth about confident people. Confident people are very often the quiet people in the room. There's a huge difference between confidence and bravado. You know, they're not the same thing. Confidence has nothing to do with swagger. It has nothing to do with how much you talk or blab on and on in class. If you're truly confident, you don't have to prove anything to anybody, because you know that confidence is simply being willing to try. It's not about being extroverted or introverted. Confidence is not a personality trait. Confidence is a skill that you can build. And so I want you to also be honest with yourself. Go back to being selfish in this episode, because you're talking about these high achievers, and you're not naturally an extrovert if you're selfish. Alex, how would the skill of confidence change the way you're showing up? Because if you answer, oh, I would talk more in class. Oh, I would advocate more for my ideas. Oh, I would raise my hand, and I would put my name in the ring for certain opportunities before stopping myself and thinking about it. Great. Use the definition of confidence now to push yourself to try those things that you believe that more confidence would be having you do. That's how you're going to build competency in those things you're not doing. Now, let me tell you the second myth about confidence. See, a lot of people believe that confidence is built when you're winning. Not true. Not true. The truth is that confidence is like steel. It's forged in the fire of your life. You don't create the skill of confidence when Life is easy. Confidence, that reserve, that skill that you build, it's created in the moments that are hard. Confidence requires you to try. It requires you to feel like an imposter. It requires you to start at zero. It requires you to do things that you've never done before. And if you're naturally more introverted, sometimes speaking in class can be as scary as skydiving. But that's okay, because you can try and you can fail, and your cheeks can turn bright red. And you know what? You're not going to die. It's going to be okay, because you're willing to try and learn. And that's what's at the heart of this skill. It's curiosity. It's leaning forward. It's trying. It's action. And here's the third myth about confidence. You know, I often hear people say, I lost my confidence. Mm, nope. Nope, you didn't. The truth is, you cannot lose confidence. See, you're just blocked from the feeling of it because you stopped trying, which is the source of it. So let me give you an example. If you sit there and say, you know, oh, I must have lost some confidence along the way, because now I'm around all these great achievers, and they're always talking in class, and I feel like a complete idiot. No, no, you haven't lost anything. Because what's the definition of confidence? Confidence is the willingness to try. If you're around all these high achievers, it's because you belong there. And it's because you're meant to grow. And that resistance and pressure that you feel internally, do not aim that at yourself as if something's wrong with you. There's no difference between the high achievers and you, Alex. The only difference is your willingness to try something that's a little scary. To show up, to be seen, to share your ideas. You know, there's this TED Talk that I absolutely love called who Are you Really? And it's by Dr. Brian Little. He's a professor over in the UK and the entire 20 minute talk is all about the fact that he's profoundly introverted in his life. But because teaching matters to him, he has taught himself how to be profoundly extroverted when he's teaching a class. Now, it's wildly draining for him because he's an introvert. But I'm trying to tell you, you're not in a fixed place. And confidence is a skill you can build if you're willing to try. And I can tell you are, because it matters to you. Okay, I'm now gonna teach you the five simple tools that help you build this as a skill tool. Number one, take action. This is obvious. I understand we have the definition of confidence. Confidence is the willingness to try. You're not going to change your life or build confidence by thinking about the things you need to do. You must take action. The number one tool for helping you take action in those moments where you feel imposter syndrome or you feel nervous or you're embarrassed or you start to doubt yourself or you feel anxious. Whatever the feeling is. Screw the feeling. We got to take action in those moments because remember, we're building confidence. It's going to require you to try. Just use my 5 second rule. I told you the whole story about how I created it, the science behind it in the episode we released way back in the day called Motivation is Garbage. I'll link to that. But if you're brand new to the podcast, let me give you the shortcut. When you're in a situation where you start to doubt yourself, you're just going to count backwards. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And then you physically move within five seconds. So here's how you can use it. Heather's talking about the fact that she wants to build confidence in this new role where she's been promoted. There are things that she needs to do as a new leader, but she doesn't have the competency yet. Instead of thinking about those things, she can use the 5 second rule, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. To interrupt that self doubt. It will help you tap into your courage. That's it. That's all that it is for Alex, who is surrounded by all these high achievers. The next time she's sitting in a classroom and she has something that she wants to share, instead of shrinking in her seat, she's going to try. And the five second rule is going to help. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And then she's going to shoot that hand up in the air. Because you know what? Alex has something to say. And even though she doesn't feel comfortable, even though her cheeks might go fire engine red, and even though she might stutter or stumble or have dry mouth or whatever might happen. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. She is willing to try. Because here's something I want you to understand. You can tap into courage before you start having that feeling of assuredness. Courage is what you tap into. Confidence is what you're building over time. I'm going to say that again. Courage comes first. Courage. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You start counting backwards. Man, that is an act of courage, because you're going for it. Courage comes first. Confidence is what builds over time. How cool is that, right? I absolutely love this because what I'm ultimately teaching you, and this again relates to all the research, is that there's two types of people out there. There are people who think about what they want to do, and then there are people that find the courage to take action. And that's what I want for you. Because the fact is you have greatness inside you and I want you to start tapping into it. It's only through action that you unlock that power inside you and you become the person that you're meant to be. I mean, that's how I created the life that I have now. If I didn't learn how to. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Push myself to try, I'd still be sleeping in a bed, staring at the ceiling, consumed with anxiety, feeling like I had ruined my life. That's how you change your life. You have to take action over and over and over again. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Stop thinking and start taking some risks. Start trying. Put a bet on yourself. Let's frickin go now. Let's do rule number two. Rule number two is if you just tremble in your boots when you think about doing the things that you'd love to do, let's get selfish. What is it that more confidence would have you be doing differently when you think about those things? Speaking up at work, launching your business, tackling your health issues, putting your online dating profile up and getting yourself back out there because you're ready and you're ready to have some fun again. When you start thinking about how confidence would change your life, I guarantee you you're still going to feel a little nervous. So here's a second tool that's going to help you try. You can use the power of objectivity. Create an alter ego. This can be fun. You know, we don't have to like white knuckle. This, this confidence thing, let's have some fun with it. Because there's a study out of Johns Hopkins that I love and it's about letting go of self doubt. And the study suggests that when you use an alter ego or you create a vision of the future you, the person you want to become, it gives you distance from the scaredy cat you who's never done this thing before. You know what I always ask myself? I go, well, what would the Rock do in this situation? I just love Dwayne Johnson, the Rock. I constantly use him. When it comes to confidence, what would the Rock do in this moment, and I always get an answer and it feels less personal. You can use the rock. You can use me. What would Mel do if you're feeling unsure and you want to tap into the confidence that you kind of pick up on for me? And this also taps into behavioral activation therapy. Decades of research show that when you start acting like the person you want to become in the future, now in your present life, it's one of the fastest ways for you to change your mindset, for you to create new habits. Why? Because when you start acting like the person you want to become, you start acting like that person today. What are you doing? You're trying. You're trying to act like the future you would act. So let's go back to our first question. Heather, when she acts like the Heather two years from now, who's now gotten another promotion because she just slayed it in this role, the Heather today is trying to be the Heather she wants to become. Isn't that cool? Alex sitting in the classroom surrounded by all these high achievers, when she acts like the Alex she wants to be two years from now, who's earned her doctorate, who is able to express her ideas, when she acts like that version of herself, she's trying. How cool is this? It all just ladders right back to the research. That's why you can trust what I'm telling you. Another tool that you can use to build the skill of confidence is prepare. Because the more that you practice something, the more you're trying and the more competent you're going to be. So if you are nervous and you can't shake the nerves, double down on preparing. That's right. Do rehearsals run through it. Why? Because every time you rehearse something, you're trying it, and it gives your mind and your nervous system the ability to lower the stress. Because your mind and your nervous system have prepared so you know what's coming. See, practice doesn't make perfect. Practice prepares you. And what's one other thing about practice? What's the first thing that you learned about confidence? Again, I come back to the definition. It's the willingness to try. That's how you put the definition into life. By practicing, preparing for something, practicing something over and over and over. Whether you're, you know, like the Williams sisters who literally stood there and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls and hit balls before they were even allowed to enter a tournament, what were they doing? They're building the skill of confidence. You want to be confident? Prove it. By preparing. I use this all the time. I laugh. Like, you know, you see me get in front of a YouTube camera, or you see me walk onto a stage, or you listen to one of my audio books. You're like, how do you do that? I've prepared. I mean, just think back into your own life. Think about those moments in high school or college where you weren't prepared for the test. How nervous were you? You were shaking in your boots. You couldn't even concentrate. You knew walking into the test that you were screwed. Now think about a moment when you actually studied, which is just you practicing. You feel calmer, more assured. Why? Because you were willing to try by sitting in the stacks in the library instead of going out. And that's what I'm talking about. This is something you build. Let me tell you about tool number four. I love this. This is a mindset reframe. Because you got the five second rule. You've got the power of objectivity. What would Mel or the Rock do? You've got preparation. And now let me give you a mindset trick. I love this. I tell myself all the time, why it's worth trying. Why is it worth trying something if I'm only gonna fail? Why is it worth going for it if I can't make my dreams come true? I'll tell you why. Because everything that you do in life is preparing you for something that hasn't happened yet. What did I tell you about confidence? Confidence is not something you build when you're winning. I think oftentimes when we're winning, what gets built is arrogance and bravado, and we forget what went into winning at something in the first place. True confidence, the skill of confidence, it's forged in fire. I mean, I've failed more times than I have time to tell you. You guys know that. A decade ago, talk about failure. 800 grand in debt, unemployed, drinking my way through my problems. And all of that heartbreak and headache and breakdown in my life, which was horrendous to go through. It led me to the five second rule. If there was no debt, there was no drinking, there was no heartache. There would be no 5 second rule. When I was a talk show host, here I was taping a talk show at CBS Broadcast center here in New York City. It was a dream of mine to be able to have a daytime talk show. It gets canceled. It was leading me somewhere. Where? To this podcast, which is my most favorite thing that I have ever done in my career. I choose not to stay in a place of self Doubt. I choose not to wallow in failure because I know that life is always preparing you for something. And I know that your greatest failures, your biggest heartbreaks, they always teach you the most important lessons in life, you know, And I keep getting questions from you guys, Mal, oh my God, you're so confident. Like, you keep reinventing yourself, you keep trying new things. Like this podcast asked, what is it inside you, Mel? What is it inside me that makes me take all these risks, that makes me constantly try new things, that makes me willing to fail to do something embarrassing or even disastrous? I'll tell you what it is. I want to get as much out of this life as I possibly can. And if you look at the math, I'm halfway through it. And it scares me to think that I could be on my deathbed and look back on my life and say, I wish I had had the confidence to try, that I do not want to die and have regrets. And so while I'm here, while I'm breathing, while I'm able to, I am going to follow my curiosity, I am going to follow my heart, I am going to try new things. I am going to do absolutely everything that I can do to grow, to feel, to learn. And that's going to require me to take risks, that's going to require me to fuck up things, that's going to require me to look stupid. And I'm willing to do that because I know on the other side of the biggest heartbreaks of your life are the most amazing heart filled moments. I know that in the middle of every failure that I experience, and boy, I experience them oftentimes of my own doing. Every single failure has, honest to God, equipped me with the lessons and the skill or the wisdom that I needed to be able to do something even cooler down the line. And I can prove it to you. Just look back on one of the scariest moments of your life, one of the biggest things that you just blew. I bet you can tell me that that horrible thing that happened, that really hard thing, that in the moment you were like, why is this happening to me? That right now, no matter what your life looks like, you can sit here and you know exactly what you learned from it. You know that you would not be the person you are today had it not been for that thing that you experienced, that you survived, that you learn from. And so what drives me is just wanting to experience as much as I can from this one life that I have. And it's not all going to be a joyride. And so I'M willing to take the risk. I'm willing to try. I'm willing to look stupid. And I'm willing to do it because I think the payoff that you get, it's worth it. It's so worth it. So this moment, it's preparing me for something that hasn't happened yet. And that reframe, what it does is it helps me put failure and heartbreak and all the hard shit in life into a box. That is something that stays by my side as I move forward. Instead of a wall or a block or an obstacle that stops me from continuing to move forward. Because that's how you move forward. You continue to try. And the final tool when it comes to building the skill of confidence is you have to focus on you. Because nobody's coming, like, nobody's going to try for you. Nobody is going to be there to motivate you to try. Nobody's going to be there to give you the pep talk. I'm here twice a week. It really is my mission that our relationship through this podcast is one where you feel empowered and encouraged and you're reminded of who you are, that this is like a little reset, a pep talk that you get the tools and the encouragement and the high five that you need. But ultimately it's up to you. And you gotta learn how to stop looking at the world around you and what everybody and their mother is doing. And you gotta look right back in the mirror because you are the one person that you're going to spend your whole life with. And it's time that you start to focus on that person and getting into a better relationship with that person called you. And that brings me to a question from one of our listeners named Sky.
