The Mel Robbins Podcast: Episode Summary Title: The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Host: Mel Robbins
Release Date: February 13, 2025

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel Robbins teams up with her husband, Chris Robbins, to delve into listener-submitted questions about relationships. Drawing from their 30-year marriage and personal experiences, Mel and Chris offer insightful, research-backed advice aimed at fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships. The episode covers a range of topics, including personal growth, handling external pressures, maintaining individuality, and effective communication.

1. Balancing Individual Growth with Relationship Growth Question from Rachel

Rachel expresses concern about feeling like she is working on herself while her partner isn't as focused on personal growth.

Mel's Insights:

• Focus on Personal Growth: Mel emphasizes that you cannot make another person happy or force them to grow. Instead, prioritize your own development to naturally enhance the relationship. "[...] the secret to a happy marriage is to marry someone who's happy. And the truth is, you cannot make another human being happy [...] focus on taking the actions that make you a better person" ([00:04:02]).

• Potential Fork in the Road: As one partner grows, compatibility may come into question if the other does not. Mel shares a personal story about Chris deciding to stop drinking, illustrating how individual changes can impact the relationship dynamic. She states, "When a person in a relationship starts to change and grow, it is extraordinarily confronting and scary to their partner" ([00:10:39]).

Chris's Perspective:

• Chris concurs, highlighting that if one partner is committed to growth and the other isn't, it may indicate a lack of compatibility. "[...] if you're committed to growth and development [...] that points to a lack of compatibility" ([00:07:31]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "People only change when they feel like it. And when you pressure another person to change or to grow in the ways that you are, your pressure doesn't create change, it creates resistance to change." ([00:06:52])

2. Dealing with Outside Pressures: Societal Expectations and Family Opinions Question from Mark

Mark shares his struggle with societal and family pressures impacting his marriage.

Mel's Advice:

• Unified Front: Mel advises couples to establish shared values and parenting styles to create a strong, united "house." She quotes, "A house divided cannot stand. It means pressure from the outside cannot tear you and your partner apart" ([00:16:39]).

• Value Alignment: Discussing values and traditions with your partner helps in resisting external pressures. "Your relationship becomes your alone, where you both agree on what you value and how you want to raise your kids" ([00:17:22]).

Chris's Contribution:

• Chris adds the importance of conversation and understanding each other's values to navigate external opinions effectively. "[...] it's cool to sit together and actually consider, regardless of how many years you may be together, but what your values are and what the other person's values are" ([00:17:22]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "Once you're together, there is nothing on the outside that can make you fall." ([00:16:39])

3. Feeling Distance After Big Life Changes Question from Sarah

Sarah feels a growing distance in her marriage after having children and moving to a new city.

Mel's Strategies:

• Dedicated Time: Mel recommends carving out dedicated time each week for the couple to reconnect, such as therapy sessions or exploring new activities together. "Hold the time in your calendar. No phones, no children, no pets. Just you two" ([00:19:49]).

• Exploration Together: Engaging in new experiences in a new environment can help couples bond and create fresh memories. "Find a new hike, try a new restaurant, explore a new neighborhood" ([00:19:40]).

Chris's Suggestion:

• Chris shares their practice of weekly therapy sessions, highlighting how structured time together strengthens their connection. "We spent the last couple years having a weekly therapy session. The best part wasn't the therapy. It was the dedicated time to talk" ([00:19:40]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "These are opportunities for you two to learn and laugh and grow together." ([00:19:40])

4. Setting Boundaries for Personal Space Question from Jessica

Jessica seeks advice on setting boundaries for personal space without making her spouse feel disengaged.

Mel's Guidance:

• Clear Communication: Define what personal space means to you, including specific needs and timeframes. "Never expect your partner to read your mind. Recognize your own needs and communicate them clearly" ([00:22:29]).

• Collaborative Planning: Work together to schedule personal time that respects both partners' needs. "Sit down and say, 'This is something I need. This is why I need it. Can we collaborate on when and how this is going to work?'" ([00:23:20]).

Chris's Example:

• Chris shares his routine of early morning alone time, illustrating the importance of pre-negotiated personal space. "I get up an hour and a half earlier [...] this is what it gives for me" ([00:22:29]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "Every single person in a relationship has needs. Never expect your partner to read your mind." ([00:22:29])

5. Handling Parenting Disagreements Question from Josh

Josh and his wife disagree on parenting decisions and seek strategies to handle their differences.

Mel's Approach:

• Deeper Conversations: Address the underlying reasons for differing parenting styles to find common ground. "How do you and your partner solve problems? I create certainty. You stop and think" ([00:27:01]).

• Use of "Maybe": Incorporate "maybe" as a neutral response to give both partners time to discuss and agree before making decisions. "Say maybe. It's a recognition that I gotta talk to your mom or dad" ([00:27:57]).

Chris's Story:

• Chris recounts handling their children's anxiety by aligning their approaches, demonstrating the importance of unified parenting strategies. "We made a bed on the floor of our room. If they came down, that was our rule" ([00:28:55]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "The whole point of the relationship is not to turn each other into each other [...] it's to come together and learn from each other." ([00:41:14])

6. Maintaining Individuality in Marriage Question from Lauren

Lauren feels she's losing her sense of self within her marriage and seeks advice on maintaining individuality.

Mel's Advice:

• Personal Responsibility: Mel asserts that maintaining individuality is a personal responsibility and crucial for marital health. "It's not a marriage problem. It's a you problem. [...] invest in yourself" ([00:31:12]).

• Purpose and Growth: Focus on personal goals and hobbies to retain a sense of identity. "Making yourself your purpose. Improving yourself will improve your marriage" ([00:32:09]).

Chris's Insight:

• Chris highlights the importance of identifying and nurturing personal interests to avoid losing oneself. "Identify what you need and what am I interested in? [...] it's about having a purpose for yourself" ([00:32:21]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "You were not put on this planet to just be somebody's spouse." ([00:31:12])

7. Handling Unmet Expectations Without Resentment Question from Anna

Anna discusses how unmet expectations lead to resentment in her relationship and seeks strategies to manage disappointments.

Mel's Solution:

• Effective Communication: Clearly articulate your needs and expectations to prevent misunderstandings. "Nobody can meet your expectations if they don't know what they are. It's yours to communicate clearly" ([00:38:34]).

• Responsibility and Ownership: Take responsibility for not expressing your needs rather than blaming your partner. "It was on me. I never even explained that this mattered to me" ([00:38:06]).

Chris's Example:

• Chris shares a personal anecdote about missing Mel's expectations for a birthday party, emphasizing the importance of communication. "[...] you just actually gave me a fantastic idea. [...] how do you and your partner solve problems?" ([00:37:57]).

Notable Quote: Mel: "Don't ever assume that your partner knows. Instead, take responsibility for making sure they do know what you need and why you need it." ([00:38:34])

Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Mel and Chris Robbins underscore the importance of self-awareness, clear communication, and shared values in building and maintaining strong relationships. By addressing personal growth, handling external pressures, preserving individuality, and effectively communicating unmet expectations, couples can navigate challenges and strengthen their bonds. Mel concludes with an empowering message, encouraging listeners to invest in themselves to enhance their relationships:

"I believe in your ability to create a better life. When you figure out what you need and work on making yourself happy and a better version of yourself, your relationships will just get better and better" ([00:43:00]).

Final Thoughts:

• Shared Growth: Personal development benefits not only the individual but also the relationship.
• Communication is Key: Open and honest dialogue prevents misunderstandings and resentment.
• Maintaining Identity: Preserving individuality enriches the marital bond.
• Unified Front: Shared values and visions strengthen resilience against external pressures.

Speaker Attribution:

• Mel Robbins: Primary host providing advice and sharing personal stories.
• Chris Robbins: Co-host offering additional perspectives and anecdotes based on their marriage.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Mel: "People only change when they feel like it. And when you pressure another person to change or to grow in the ways that you are, your pressure doesn't create change, it creates resistance to change." ([00:06:52])
• Mel: "Never expect your partner to read your mind." ([00:22:29])
• Mel: "You were not put on this planet to just be somebody's spouse." ([00:31:12])

This episode serves as a valuable resource for anyone seeking practical advice to navigate the complexities of relationships, emphasizing that personal fulfillment and mutual understanding are foundational to enduring partnerships.