The Best Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive

Summary

The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: The Best Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive
Date: January 12, 2026
Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Terry Real, couples therapist and author

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Episode Overview

This episode features a deep, insightful conversation between Mel Robbins and Terry Real, one of the world’s leading couples therapists and the creator of Relational Life Therapy. Together, they dismantle persistent myths about relationships, unpack the unconscious patterns that drive most couples’ struggles, and deliver clear, actionable advice for anyone seeking to improve their romantic (and other close) relationships.

Whether you’re single, in a struggling marriage, or looking to deepen a happy partnership, this episode provides a powerful toolkit for developing healthier habits, genuine intimacy, and personal growth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Modern Relationships: Raised Expectations & Lacking Skills

• Main Idea: We expect more from relationships now than ever, but our culture and upbringing haven’t equipped us with the necessary skills ([05:59]).

  • Terry: “We have filet mignon ambitions and hamburger skills. We need to catch up to ourselves.”
  • Relationships now aspire to passion, lifelong connection, and vulnerability beyond old conventions.

• Cultural Context:

  • Patriarchal and individualistic culture undermines relational skills.
  • Traditional gender roles (e.g., men = invulnerable, women = accommodating) are at odds with true intimacy.

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2. Relationship Skills are Learnable—But Demanding

• Debunking “Work on It” Myths:

  • We hear relationships “take work” but rarely get told what that work actually is ([09:28]).
  • Terry: “There is a relationship technology. There’s a set of skills.”

• The Three Core Skills:

  1. Dare to Rock the Boat (Tell the truth—gently, skillfully)
  2. Teach Your Partner What You Want (Be specific instead of criticizing)
  3. Reward Effort (Appreciate improvements, however small, rather than nitpicking)
  • Terry: “It works better to ask your partner for what you want, than to criticize them for what they’re doing wrong.” ([09:53])

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3. Cycles of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair

• Universal Pattern:

  • All relationships dance between harmony, disharmony, and repair ([18:02]).

  • Most couples toggle between harmony and disharmony but skip—or don’t know how to do—repair.

  • Terry: “All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.”

• Unspoken Cultural Belief:

  • Good relationships are expected to be all harmony, leading to disappointment and avoidance of necessary repair.

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4. The Role of “Unfinished Business” & Childhood Patterns

• We Marry Our Unresolved Selves:

  • We are unconsciously drawn to partners who re-trigger our deepest wounds—hoping for healing.
  • Terry: “We all marry our unfinished business.” ([19:33])

• Normal Marital Hatred:

  • Conflict is inevitable—having strong negative feelings at times is normal and doesn’t spell doom.
  • Terry: “There is no redeeming value in harshness... Harshness does nothing that loving firmness doesn’t do better.” ([32:17])
  • “There’s a part of me that hates you right now; okay, here’s why. But more important: here’s what we can do to get the hell out of this thing together.” ([22:34])

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5. Adaptive Child vs. Wise Adult

• Who’s in the Room?
  • In conflict, our “adaptive child”—the defensive, reactive part of us, shaped by childhood—takes over ([24:07]).
  • The “wise adult” is our calm, intentional self; healthy relationships require learning to get out of “adaptive child” mode.
• Relational Mindfulness:
  • First skill: learn to notice when you’re emotionally “flooded,” and take a break before responding. ([27:25], [37:38])
  • “Take a breath. The first skill we teach people now is what I call relational mindfulness. When you’re flooded, when you’re triggered, take a break.” ([25:19])

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6. Constructive Communication & Repair

• How To Fight Well:

  • Approach tough topics with tenderness, specific observations, and vulnerability—not attack.
  • Terry: “Tenderness works better than harshness… Honey, sit down, let me take your hand. These are the things I’m noticing.” ([39:14])
  • Use “I” statements, and express deeper feelings (hurt, loneliness) before anger ([43:10]).

• Personal Responsibility:

  • Even issues that feel like “their problem” are part of the relational biosphere.
  • “Your relationship is your biosphere… Can we talk about what needs to happen here?” ([41:07])

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7. Breaking Stalemates: The Adaptive Child Story

• Case Study:
  • Terry shares the story of a chronic liar whose adaptive child lied to evade a controlling parent—a strategy now sabotaging his marriage. ([45:56])
  • Solution: respect the old strategy, retire it in adulthood, and practice honesty from the wise adult self.

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8. The Real Source of Healing

• Not About Changing Your Partner:
  • Lasting change comes when you respond differently to your triggers; waiting for a partner to “complete” you perpetuates old pain ([56:48]).
  • “Maturity comes when we deal with our inner children and don’t foist them off on our partners to deal with.” ([52:14])

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9. Democracy in Relationships: Not One-Up, Not One-Down

• Switching Roles:

  • One-up (grandiose, angry, critical) people need to soften; one-down (accommodating, fearful) need to assert themselves.

  • Terry: “If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small.” ([92:46])

• Making the Relationship Equal:

  • “Democracy, democracy, democracy: we—not me above you, not me below you.” ([93:03])

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10. When & How to End a Relationship

• Relational Reckoning Question:

  • “Am I getting enough here to make grieving what I’m not getting worth my while?” ([80:18])
  • If answer is yes, embrace what’s good; if no, try therapy and skill-building; if still no, it may be time to leave.
  • Terry: “If you’re still not getting through, get help. If you’re still not fully there… ask: Am I getting enough to make grieving what I’m not getting okay with me?” ([81:58])

• Non-Starters:

  • Physical danger, addiction without willingness to work, major untreated mental illness, chronic irresponsibility, or dramatic maturity gaps may warrant ending things. ([85:48])

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11. Vulnerability & Receiving Love

• Allowing Goodness In Is A Skill:

  • Many people feel safer nitpicking or controlling than opening up to vulnerability and love.
  • “It’s hard to let yourself be loved. And the less love you had as a kid, the scarier it is.” ([71:43])

• Listener Quote:

  • “Isn’t it hard to just be in the naked vulnerability of loving each other and being close?” ([74:02])

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12. Practical Guidelines for Friends & Family

• Who To Confide In:
  • Share challenges with friends who will support your relationship, not just your individual ego.
  • “Train your friends to support relational empowerment, not individual empowerment.” ([90:03])
  • Don’t over-involve family, especially in-laws, in the intimate details of your relationship. ([87:59])

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13. Action Steps / Where To Start

• Self-Reflection:
  • Figure out: Do you tend to be “one up” or “one down”? ([91:54])
• First Step:
  • "If you're one down, have some courage with love… If you're one up, get off your goddamn high horse." ([91:54])
• Try a New Move:
  • Change your usual defensive pattern; see how the relationship responds.
  • “If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small.” ([92:46])
• If Stuck:
  • Learn skills, then get support (therapy), and finally do a “relational reckoning.”

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14. For Listeners Sent This Episode by a Partner

• Invitation vs. Blame:
  • Terry: "If your partner is giving you this episode, it's because they want you to open your heart... This is what we're born for as a species. Do it for your kids. Do it for the planet." ([94:58])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "We have filet mignon ambitions and hamburger skills." — Terry Real ([05:59])

• "All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair." — Terry Real ([18:02])

• "We all marry our unfinished business." — Terry Real ([19:33])

• "There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness." — Terry Real ([32:17])

• "Relational mindfulness… take a breath. The first skill we teach people is getting centered." — Terry Real ([25:19], [37:38])

• "Maturity comes when we deal with our inner children and don’t foist them off on our partners." — Terry Real ([52:14])

• "If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small." — Terry Real ([92:46])

• "Am I getting enough here to make grieving what I'm not getting worth my while?" — Terry Real ([81:58])

• "Democracy, democracy, democracy: we—not me above you, not me below you." — Terry Real ([93:03])

• "If your partner is giving you this episode, it's because they want you to open your heart." — Terry Real ([94:58])

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Important Timestamps

• [05:59] – Terry explains relationship ambitions exceeding our skills
• [09:11] – The true “work” of relationships: the three actionable skills
• [18:02] – “All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.”
• [19:33] – “We all marry our unfinished business.”
• [32:17] – “There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness.”
• [37:38] – Relational mindfulness: the starting process of taking a break
• [45:56] – The adaptive child story: respecting, then retiring old coping strategies
• [56:48] – Healing comes not from changing your partner, but yourself
• [71:43] – The challenge and necessity of receiving love
• [80:18] – The “relational reckoning” question for stay-or-go decisions
• [92:46] – “If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small.”
• [94:58] – Direct message to listeners receiving the episode from their partner

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Episode Tone and Style

• Mel Robbins: Warm, direct, candid, and self-reflective, often using personal stories and humor.
• Terry Real: Assertive, deeply compassionate, practical, mixing theory with real-world, sometimes blunt language and memorable metaphors.

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For Listeners: Where To Start

1. Identify which defensive pattern you lean toward (one up/one down).
2. Practice relational mindfulness: notice when you’re triggered, take a break.
3. Communicate with honesty and kindness—ask for what you need without harshness.
4. Reward positive steps, however small.
5. If things stall, seek skilled support and ask the “relational reckoning” question.

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In Mel’s words:
“Apply all of the advice that you just heard, and there’s no doubt in my mind that your life will get better and so will your relationships.” ([97:37])

Transcript

[A]

Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. So my husband and I have been married for 29 years, and let me tell you something that nobody tells you. When you fall in love, staying connected with your partner is harder than anyone wants to admit. Especially when you're tired, especially when they're annoying, or when you're broke, or when life pulls you apart and you don't know how to find your way back to each other. I'm talking about miscommunication that turns into distance. You don't know how to close. And if you're in a moment like that right now where it feels like your relationship is slipping, you're trying, but nothing's landing, or things are good, but something's off, I've been there. My husband's been there. And that's why I cannot wait for you to meet our guest today, Terry Real. He's one of the most sought after couples therapists in the world. His private clients pay $7,000 for a single session. And if you're gawking at that price, I'll tell you what Terry says. $7,000 is way cheaper than a divorce. Today you're getting that same in your face life changing relationship advice for free. If you're single or recently broken up with somebody or you're still searching for the one, everything that you're about to learn from Terry Real is going to explain exactly why none of your relationships in the past have worked. And he's also going to teach you what changes you need to make now. So the next relationship is the most loving, fulfilling relationship of your life. He's going to walk you and I through the habits of all successful relationships and teach you exactly how to change the dynamic in your relationship. So if you feel stuck, exhausted, unseen, or quietly falling out of love, don't panic. You're not alone. And this will be the turning point. This conversation with the number one couples therapist is the truth that could save your relationship. One of the questions I get all the time is, Mel, how do you stick to your habits when life gets busy, especially when you're having to travel? I know you've wanted to know the simple tricks and tips that I use, and today I'm sharing three of the simple tricks and tips that I use with you. So I want you to stick around to the end of this episode for a special segment brought to you by Sheridan Hotels. January is the perfect time to pause, reset and reimagine your routines, including what's in your glass. What if I told you, you can get that classic spirit flavor without the spirit. Meet Ritual zero Proof. America's number one non alcoholic spirit, Ritual zero Proof is crafted for cocktails with taste, aroma and bite of the real thing. They've got a full zero proof lineup from agave and whiskey to gin, rum and aperitif. So you can make the drink you love just without the alcohol. This January, ditch the rules, keep the ritual. Find yours at ritual0proof.com the Mel Robbins Podcast is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance, our exclusive insurance partner. You know how good it feels when someone makes your life easier. Oh, I just love those kind of people. That's why I love Amica. They go the extra mile in the moments you need it most, listening, following up and treating you like a real human being. And because they're a mutual insurer, the whole model is built around putting customers first. It's refreshing, it's rare, it's coverage with empathy. And it's exactly how insurance should feel. Amica where your priority number one. Visit amica.com and get a quote today. Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you're here. It's such an honor to be together and to spend this time with you. If you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this with you, I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I cannot tell you how excited I am about today's conversation. I have been wanting to meet our expert for years. Today you're getting a front row seat to a private session with the man who is considered to be one of the best couples therap in the world. His name is Terry Real. He's the New York Times bestselling author of four books, a renowned relationship expert, he's been doing this couples counseling for more than 30 years. And he's created an entire therapeutic model called relational life therapy used by therapists around the globe. A private session with Terry real would cost $7,000. And today he is here in our Boston studios for one reason. To give you his life changing relationship advice for free. So without further ado, please help me welcome Terry Real to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

[B]

Oh my gosh, it's a thrill to be here. And bless you and thank you for the good work you're doing for the world.

[A]

Terry, right back at you. Bless you and thank you for the good work you're doing in the world and for the good work you're about to help us do in Our conversation today. And here's where I want. How could my life be different if I take everything that you are about to teach me today, after 40 years of wisdom and work and the things that you have learned and the truths that you know? How could my life be different if I take it all to heart and I apply it to relationships and to my day to day life?

[B]

I'm going to tell you and listeners, viewers the same thing I say to every single couple. I am inviting you on a rarefied path. It's demanding, it's sophisticated, it's skilled. And it leaves the norms of this culture in the dust. Listen, we've never wanted more from relationships than we do right now. Gone. Our grandparents, even our parents, companion, side by side, pay the bills, raise the kids. No passion, no communication. Fine, stable, good enough. That's gone. We want to walk hand in hand on the beach. We want hard. We want great sex in 70s and 80s. We want to be lifelong lovers. But we're trying to do that in the context of a culture that is not a relationship cherishing culture. We live in a patriarchal. And I'll go into that individualistic culture that does not cherish relationships. I would like basic relationship skills taught in elementary school, junior high, high. We need to know how to pull off this new ambition of being lifelong lovers. Listen, getting the love you want literally means being a pioneer. If you're a hetero man, it means moving into vulnerability, which means deconstructing masculinity itself. Masculinity means being invulnerable. You open your heart, you are redoing what it means to be a man. As we were speaking, standing up for yourself, not with shrillness, but with love and power. This brand new work for women in this culture, as a people, we all need in our lives to be pioneers. We don't live relationally. In this culture. We are individualistic and we are patriarchal. Meaning the basic model is dominance. We control. We need to trade the dominance model in for the reality of our biospheres. We are interconnected. We are interdependent. If we stay on the dominance model, we will fry this planet. What you're doing in your living room is exactly the same work we need to do across this globe. And in order to render it a place our grandchildren will want to live in. It's a great ambition, but I like to say we have like filet mignon ambition and hamburger skills. We need to catch up to ourselves.

[A]

I love that you said skills. So there are skills that we can build to have better relationships. And you did though say they were demanding.

[B]

They are demanding. One of the great lies is that a long term relationship is supposed to be spontaneous. There's lip service about having to work on it. But let me ask you a question.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How many times have you heard that relationships take work?

[A]

My whole life.

[B]

Yeah. Anybody ever tell you what it was?

[A]

You know, actually, no, of course not.

[B]

And that's where I come in. There is a relationship technology. There's a set of skills that work better. For example, I mean, we'll go over it, but just one example. It works better to ask your partner for what you want than to criticize them for what they're doing wrong. Listen, in our culture, the way we try and get more of what we want in our relationships is we share our feelings about how miserable we are that you just blew it. That's how we try and get. That's the worst behavioral. You don't treat a dog like. How about just punishing a dog every time they get it wrong? No, I talk about three steps of getting what you want. One, this is the important one. Dare to rock the boat. We're going to talk about that. Dare to tell the truth. But you have to do it skillfully. Two, once your partner is listening, help them out. Teach them what you want. I would rather you do it this way than that way. Honey, honey with love. And then three, when they start to give it to you, reward them, don't criticize them. Well, you did a half assed job. Hey, you did a half assed job. Isn't that great? Let's get the other cheek on board. While we're at.

[A]

Seems so simple. Tell the truth, teach your partner what you want and reward them when they do it. Even if it's a half assed job.

[B]

Yeah, that's the best way of getting them to do more. Criticizing them for what they're doing wrong is about the worst way of trying to get them motivated to give you more. But we don't know these basics in this culture. I'm a family therapist for 40 years. The father of family therapy was Gregory Basin, the husband of Margaret Mead. And Basin's whole work, the birth of family therapy is what he called correcting humankind's philosophical mistake, which is that we stand apart from nature and we can control it. Both wrong and by the way, apropos of the Lethem theory, control can be one up that tends to be more traditionally male. Sit down, shut up and do what I tell you. Control can also be up. Regulating from the one down, that's codependent. That's enabling. That's trying getting your partner too. That's traditionally more feminine under patriarchy intimacy. Here's one of the first things I want to say to really move into the intimacy we want means nothing less than moving beyond traditional gender roles for all of us. Women have to move out of resentful accommodation. Control, enabling. That's what your book is all about. And the sort of. My generation's early feminists shifted from the one down traditionally feminine role to the one up traditionally masculine. I call that individual empowerment. Okay, I was weak, now I'm strong. Go screw yourself.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No, I was weak, now I'm strong. Let's work together. We're a team. I love you. I call that relational empowerment. And in our culture, man, that is new news and therapy. 12 step sponsors, women's groups, men's groups, all individual empowerment. I wouldn't put up with that if I was you. Well, that's easy to say. How about roll up your sleeves? You love each other. How are you gonna make this work together?

[A]

So there were so many things you just said that I wanna dig into. I love this idea of relationship technology and skills that we can build. I also love that you're starting from a place of this larger container that we're all in, which is culture. I also appreciate the fact that the traditional gender roles, that a, quote, man is supposed to act this way, a woman's supposed to act that way, that those are leading to a lot of dissatisfaction in relationships on both sides. And there was something that you said that I want to make sure we unpack, and that was the term resentful accommodation. What does that mean?

[B]

Ask any woman on this tree.

[A]

Well, I know what it means, but I.

[B]

Well, what did it mean in your life?

[A]

So resentful accommodation was the biggest example that I can think of, is that when we were in a massive financial crisis, Chris cratered. And his confidence in himself, his ability to believe in himself, this sense that he had failed as a husband, as a father, to provide, that he had lost people money as he was collapsing, I became more and more resentful because I felt like it was my job to then step up and save us and do what I thought should have been his job. Again, traditional gender roles, that he's supposed to be the one that's the breadwinner. I'm supposed to make some money. That's our fun money. And when that didn't work, you both cratered. We both cratered.

[B]

The whole marriage cratered yes.

[A]

And so the resentfulness kind of comes from that thing of, I thought it was gonna be this way, and I think you owe me something. And now I'm pissed. So now I'm gonna go do this thing, you know, and go like, make the money and get three jobs and do what I need to do. And now I'm mad because when I come home, the laundry's still there and all this stuff is still there. Probably is a lot of the tone that you hear when you're sitting with couples.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the interesting thing is that if I look at your three things, tell the truth about what you need, listen and teach somebody what you want, and then reward them. And it seems so simple. But when you're caught in that cycle of the emotion of all of it, and you start to pull away from each other and that distance comes in, I think this is the heart of what you help people do.

[B]

Well, you know, I mean, I don't mean to be heartless, but I would look at the two of you and I go, what a great opportunity. Which is not. I'm not an empathic therapist. You want empathy. Oh, I'm sorry. No. Look at how you both grew. And you cracked. Patriarchy cracked. One of the first things I have to teach people, and I'd love people to listen to this, is healthy self esteem, which is rare. Healthy self esteem comes from the inside out. You have worth, you have dignity because you're here on this planet. You're a human being no better or worse than anybody else. An unhealthy self esteem comes from the outside in. And for many men, it's performance based. I have worth because of what I can do. I have worth because of how much I earn. And for many women, it's other based. I have worth because you think I do. And that cracked for both of you. You were going to be taken care of by Prince Charming, but Prince Charming was drinking himself down the toilet and depressed as hell because performance based esteem had cracked. So you know what? It doesn't mean there was something wrong with you. It means there was something wrong with what you were both trying to live up to. And it didn't work. The problem is. Okay, so what was going on? This is one of the great things nobody gets. All relationships are an endless stance of harmony, disharmony and repair. That's what you and Chris live through, big time.

[A]

All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony and repair.

[B]

That's correct.

[A]

And here's what I'm going to guess, because as you're listening right now to Terri, as you're watching this on YouTube, first of all, I want you wherever you are, whether you're single, whether you're heartbroken, whether you're in a marriage that feels like roommates, whether you're recognizing the resentment that is coming up in your relationship. Terry is asking us all to look at where you're at as one giant opportunity. And when you say all relationships.

[B]

Are.

[A]

An endless dance of harmony, disharmony and repair, I'm willing to guess, based on my own experience, terri being married 29 years, that most couples are in harmony and disharmony. Harmony and disharmony, but no repair.

[B]

No repair, because that's where the skills come in and we don't know them. But also two things. First of all, our culture doesn't even acknowledge the disharmony to begin with. A good relationship is all harmony. That's what you thought when you were young.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

And you were bitterly disappointed.

[A]

Yes. And aimed it right at him.

[B]

Well, of course he failed you, but you picked him. I like to say we all marry our unfinished business.

[A]

Whoa, hold on. We all marry our unfinished business.

[B]

You got it. You know what? Young Mel could have had a guy that would have done everything she wanted him to do. I guarantee you there were guys you dated who you would not have gone through this crisis with. They did not blip on your screen. I call this the mysticism of marriage.

[A]

The mysticism of marriage.

[B]

Yes. We have the opportunity to heal our deepest wounds. Not falling in love means, oh, yeah, this person's going to give it to me. I'm going to be healed. They're going to give me everything I didn't get. Good luck. A real relationship comes, I like to say, when you realize your partner is. Here's my quote. Exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear right into your eyeball. That's the crisis. That's not a bad relationship. That's a real relationship. The question is, now what? Are you just going to repeat the same old, same old. That's hell. Or are you going to wake up and do something different? The crisis can wake you up if you allow it, but you have to do it. And so there's a lot that goes into why we don't wake up, how to wake up. And if we do stay awake, what the hell do we do then?

[A]

What does unfinished business mean? Cause it's true, the person that you're in a relationship with has an uncanny way to get under your skin, piss you off, frustrate the Hell out of you. You love them, but you want to kill them at times, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Definitely want to change them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But what does unfinished business mean exactly for us?

[B]

It means that you are now exactly in the childhood wound that that son of a gun that you picked was supposed to never put you in. You have been fundamentally betrayed. You are back. You're four. You're with your crazy family. And your partner is just as chaotic, it turns out, as your dad was, your partner is just as betraying as your mom was. Whatever the wound is, all of a sudden it's in your face and that's not what you signed up for. And you hate that son of a gun. You are talking to the guy. My favorite quote is normal marital hatred.

[A]

Normal marital hatred.

[B]

Normal marital hatred.

[A]

My God.

[B]

And I gotta tell you, I've been around the world talking about normal marital hatred for four. Not once has anyone come backstage and said, what do you mean by that?

[A]

You just don't say it next to the spouse you're sitting next to. Right.

[B]

But we do.

[A]

But you feel it.

[B]

We do. There is a part of me. Nice to say a part of me. There's a part of me that hates you right now. Yes. Okay, here's why. But more important, here's what we can do to get the hell out of this thing together. Let's hold on.

[A]

So if we just take the. Take, take. I'm just going to keep building here. So wherever it is that you are in that never ending dance. In the relationship.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That the partner that you're with or the relationship that just ended offers you the opportunity to deal with unfinished business?

[B]

Right.

[A]

And the opportunity and the unfinished business is that in every single relationship that you're in, your childhood crap comes up. And their childhood crap comes up.

[B]

Comes up.

[A]

And so is it safe to say that when you look at the person that you're in a relationship with as an adult that you really are looking at, not the adult version, but really I should be thinking about Chris as here's the little eight year old version of Chris. And now he's my husband.

[B]

It depends on who's there. As a therapist, my most critical question is not what are the stressors? It's not even what's the pattern. The most critical question, which part of you am I speaking to? We're talking right now. My wise adult brain is talking to your wise adult brain.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until 26 years old when you get trauma triggered. When Chris betrays you and Belinda betrays me. In exactly the way I hired him to never do. Goddammit. I get flooded, I get trauma flooded. And then what comes up is what we call the wounded child part of you, very young, just oh, you know, cry, cry, cry, rage, rage, rage. Between this very immature part of the brain and it's subcortical, it's a different part of your brain. And this very mature part of the brain is what I call the adaptive child part of you. And that's what I work with. The adaptive child part of you is the you that you learned to be growing up in that crazy family fight. You know that knee jerk survival.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Fight, flight or fawn, which, as in don't means fix. Fight. Screw me, screw you, flight. I'm shutting this down. And fix. Oh my God. Oh my God, you're upset. Let me. It's not working. On things from mature places and anxious over functioning is what you write about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So fight, flight or fix. It's a knee jerk. It's automatic. We think as an adult it does okay out in the world often. But it makes a mess of your relationships. So what makes life difficult is you're in harmony. You're in a wise adult. You get into disharmony, that prefrontal cortex out the window. And now it's automatic knee jerk survival. And you do what you did as a kid and it doesn't work. And the more you do it, the more it doesn't work, the more frustrated you get. Not with you, but with your partner. You have to take a breath. Take a breath. The first skill we teach people now is what I call relational mindfulness. When you're flooded, when you're triggered, take a break, walk around the block, take 10 breaths. Because what happens is when you move from harmony into disharmony, you get wounded. And then most of us have about 10 seconds worth of tolerance for that. We don't stay in that wound and we move into our automatic habitual response and it doesn't work. Remember I said you're Mary Unfeeling. That's healing. The healing comes when you can pull yourself out of that automatic subcortical part of the brain and wake up. I call it relational mindfulness. Okay. I also call it remembering love. Okay. He's not the enemy. He's my guy. I don't hate them. I love them. We're struggling. What the hell do we do? I don't know, but let's talk about it. When you're there, then you can use the skills. But the first skill is getting into the part of you. I like to say other therapies teach you skills. What I've created, I call it relational life therapy. Deals with the part of you that won't use them.

[A]

Oh, my God. Well, I once heard somebody say that one of the reasons why oftentimes therapy can help you really be aware of things and help you understand what's happening. But when you're talking to a therapist or a doctor or even a friend, or you and I having a conversation right now, you are using your prefrontal cortex.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I'm present. I'm not stressed out right now. I'm not in fight or flight. You're not pissing me off. So I'm in the wise, adult part of my brain. And so you and I may talk. Okay. Next time. I come home from traveling for 10 days and I walk in the house and there are dead flowers in dirty water sitting in the middle of the island in the kitchen.

[B]

There you go again.

[A]

Which floods me.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And I think, how many times did I. And does nobody know that I'm coming back? Does nobody know that I care? I go right into that. Which I'm sure if Chris is in the next room and he hears the volcano erupting, that is the wounded Mel Robbins, he probably shuts down.

[B]

It's not the wounded Mel Robbins. Cause you don't go to Chris and go, you know, I feel my feelings are hurt that I come home and those flowers are dead. I don't feel like I don't feel cared about. No.

[A]

Why would I do that when I can take a photo and send a passive aggressive text message? Why would I do that, Terry, when I can dump the flowers out in the sink loudly, and then throw the things in the trash as if I'm sending anger signal waves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, this was an old dynamic between us.

[B]

Well, and a lot of other people. My marriage, too.

[A]

So pull apart that.

[B]

Well, when you're in the hurt, you know, I feel abandoned. I feel uncared about. And we could go into your childhood, but I'm sure that that has resonance. But like all of us, you have about two seconds worth of tolerance for that helplessness and vulnerability. And you go from the one down to the one up. You go from shame, helplessness, not cared about, to anger, indignation. What kind of person does that? And what's devilish about that is you feel better.

[A]

It works because I think, why does it work?

[B]

Because grandiosity feels good. Shame feels bad. The wound feels bad. The adaptation feels Good, it works. We're not. So, look, we move into these defensive moves, self medication, rage affairs, they make a mess of our lives. But we're not so stupid that we move into stuff that feels bad. It feels good. Grandiosity feels good. That's one of my great contributions of my work. Grandiosity feels good. It just makes a hash of things so you have to take a breath. You're a fighter. I'm a fighter. Belinda's a fighter.

[A]

This is a shutter downer.

[B]

Okay, well, there you go.

[A]

He goes right into don't talk, bye, goodbye.

[B]

Yeah, the more you rage, the more I shut down.

[A]

And then that makes you so frustrated.

[B]

Well, then you rage more and then.

[A]

They shut down more and then you. Or same thing if you're a fixer. Now I'm trying to fix this and now you're getting more angry at me. Or now I'm just trying to solve this and now you won't even talk to me. And so I can see how you get stuck in a loop with something.

[B]

Yeah, everybody comes to me in a loop. The more, the more.

[A]

Wait, hold on. Everybody that comes to you, Terri, is in a loop. And it's this loop of your adaptation of what you did as a kid.

[B]

That's right. Meets his adaptation.

[A]

Meets his adaptation as a kid. I want to read to you from your New York Times bestseller, us. This is page nine and it's the chapter that is entitled which version of you shows up to your relationship. There's no redeeming value in harshness. I'm the harsh one. I'll own it. I have a tone. I'm a fighter. Yes. Let's take a look at just one of the immature qualities that are prevalent in our adaptive child harshness. I tell my clients that if they walk away from their sessions with me with just this one concept, they will have spent their therapy money. Well, here it is. There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness. Harshness does nothing that loving firmness doesn't do better.

[B]

That's revolution. That's life changing. And by the way, harshness between you being harsh to somebody, no value. Allowing them to be harsh to you, no value. And watch this. You being harsh to you, no value. How many of us think, well, I have to be firm with myself in order to whip myself and think about the way we deal with kids on a good day. You don't have to be harsh to be firm. Be firm. You know, I'm 75. I like to tell my clients, at 75, I have a Deal with the universe. If it's not kind, I'm not interested. And that's whether it's me talking to you or me listening to you or me talking to me. You know, that adaptive child part of me is very harsh. I grew up with a violent father and I was very violent between my ears for decades. Nowadays that harsh critic I know is just my little teenage fighter. Kept me alive. Okay, little 17 year old shit kicker. Don't let nobody take advantage. Okay? Got it, pal. You may have something to say to me and I'll listen, but you gotta say it like you're on my side. Take that in, say it like you're on my side, then I'll listen.

[A]

All right, Terri, I have so many more questions I want to dig into and here's what I want to do. I got to pause so we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words with you. And I want to give you a chance. In particular, I want to give you a chance to share this extraordinary conversation and all of these tools and insights with your partner, with the people that you love, with people in your life that may be struggling in relationships. And don't go anywhere because a little bit later, Terry is going to share with you the one question he says that you have to ask yourself. If you're wondering, should I stay in this relationship? Should I break up? Is this person the one? Should I work on it? If you don't know if you should stay or go, you have to hear this one question because you will know the answer as soon as you ask yourself it. All right? Don't go anywhere. Terry Real and I will be back after this short break. Stay with me. You know, like you, I got some pretty big goals for 2026. One of the big ones is I want to eat more protein, spend more time with family and friends. Resistance training. And here's another one. Comfy. Can we just be comfy in 2026? That's where our sponsor Bombas comes in. Bombas makes everyday comfort a no brainer. They're socks, slippers, T shirts, underwear. They're made to make you feel cozy no matter what you're doing. My favorite. Oh, they're Sherpa Sunday slippers. I wear them all over the house, but I might as well be walking on clouds. That's how good they feel. And if you're ready to take that comfort out of the house, all new Bombas sports socks are perfect. They're sweat wicking and cushioned where you need them the most to keep you comfy and locked in. And I gotta tell you, I love Bombas. Not just because everything feels feels amazing, but because of what they do for other people. Every purchase you make means they donate an item to someone in need. Head over to bombas.com Mel and use code MEL for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com Melbombas.com Mel code Mel at checkout, nothing says I love you like receiving a really thoughtful gift from someone. It's just the best. I mean, just think about the last time you got a gift that were like, wow, they really thought about me. If you want to make someone feel like that this Valentine's Day, Pandora has you covered. Whether you're buying for your partner, a parent or a friend, Pandora jewelry makes it easy to give something that feels personal. Pandora has heartfelt charms, sparkly pieces, engravable jewelry that says exactly what you feel without you having to find the perfect words. So this Valentine's Day, make it personal, make it memorable, make it more than a gift. With Pandora, visit your local store or shop pandora.net today, everyone has a different dream for their home. Maybe yours is turning this little corner into a quiet, cozy space, A space just for you. Well, you want to know what you want to check out ikea. IKEA makes it easy to bring your home dreams to life with a wide selection of furniture, furnishings and accessories with smart, stylish solutions for every vision and every corner. Whether it's a dining room for big lively gatherings, a full kitchen remodel, or even a dream podcast studio. I mean, maybe you want to do that. IKEA has it. Find your big dreams, small dreams and cozy retreat dreams in store or online at ikea.us dream the possibilities. Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins. Today you and I are getting the truth and the tools that could save your relationship with the world's number one relationship expert therapist, Terry Real. So, Terry, I wanna jump back in and here's my next question. When you start to have this awakening that oh, I do that, I'm doing this or they do that or do the other thing, what's the next step?

[B]

Take a break.

[A]

Take a break.

[B]

Stop it. Take a break. Duck in. You know, I deal with all these tough ass guys, I mean NFL players, they're ducking into the bathroom, putting their little five year old boys on their laps and talking to them five, six times, literally five, six times a day. Some of them take a break. Relational mindfulness come out of that Reactivity. Remember, the person is not 14ft tall with five arms. They're your friend. They're your lover. They're an idiot, just like you are. No better or worse. Calm down, okay? Now go back in the fray and use a skill, but don't try it until you're centered. First step is getting centered.

[A]

And, you know, how do you bring up difficult topics with love?

[B]

Who does that.

[A]

And how do I do that? Like, let's say that. That, you know, somebody's let their health go, or that they're not motivated or they are not getting help for their depression, or they seem to have started isolating and they're not seeing their friends anymore. How do you bring that up? And it's a difficult topic, and it's something that has kind of led to standoffs or arguments, and you just don't know how to even bring it up without the other person feeling attacked or shutting down.

[B]

Well, you do your best, and you could be taking a page from Mother Teresa, and they still feel attacked because they're in their adaptive child and they feel attacked if you say goddamn anything to them. And that's not your responsibility, it's theirs. But you do your best. So tenderness works better than harshness. Honey, sit down. Let me take your hand. These are the things I'm noticing. I'm worried about you. This, this, and this. Give them the data. This, this, and this, I make up, not you are. I make up that you're depressed these days. And I think it would be good for all of us if you did something about it. Look, I wrote the book on male depression back in the 90s. It was the first book ever written. And what I said. And NIH did a public service campaign about male depression. I said, if you want to help depressed men, aim your data at the women. This is not a moment. And this is our individualistic culture. Oh, he needs to call the doctor. Yeah, well, good luck with that. How about I'll try calling the doctor, I'll get him in my car and we'll drive together. And if that doesn't work, how about this? We're going to go to a couples therapist because I'm concerned about your drinking or your anger or whatever it is I'm concerned about. We've tried to talk about it. I haven't found a way to talk to you about it. We need help. So even if you think it's their problem, go to a couples therapist and put it in front of them.

[A]

Well, as I'm really listening to you, there are no Problems that are their problems. Because every problem is our problem.

[B]

Your relationship is your biosphere. We're not above it, we're not below it. We're in it, baby. And it's in our interest to keep that biosphere healthy.

[A]

How do you shift from me versus you to us versus the problem? Especially in situations where the problem is you're drinking or the problem is you're not motivated, or the problem is you've let yourself go. Or at least that's what you think you think the problem is with them.

[B]

Well, first, have some humility, is what I think. Or even more to the point, this is what I'm not happy about. This is what's not comfortable for me. Look, I'm working. You're not. I come home, you're on the couch drinking a beer. The place is a mess. I gotta tell you, Bill, I don't mind being the woman going out and being the breadwinner, but could you at least be a good wife when I get home? I mean, this sucks. Keep it personal.

[A]

It sounds a little judgmental.

[B]

Well, but keep it personal.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Keep it humble. Keep it real. This is hard for me. You may not be uncomfortable with, but I'm uncomfortable with it. We live together. Can we talk about what needs to happen here?

[A]

Is there a way to fight constructively?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

How do you do it?

[B]

This is what happened. This is what I told myself. This is how I felt. And this is what I want. But listen to this. That third step. This is what I felt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's a tip.

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

Take the feeling that comes to you first and put it last.

[A]

Okay. Anger. So, like, if anger is the thing that comes up for me first.

[B]

Yeah. Last. If you lead with big, strong check into your vulnerability, what's underneath that? Lead with that. Don't. I come home to dead flowers. You son of a bitch. How can you. What kind of person. No, I come home to dead flowers. I don't feel cared about. It's kind of lonely. I felt lonely. I felt helpless. I felt uncared about. And I felt angry. Last, not first. And conversely, if you're, like, codependent.

[A]

And how do you know if you're codependent? Because I think that that's one of those words that I feel like it's out there and I don't even know that I really understand.

[B]

Well, you.

[A]

Codependence.

[B]

Well, you call it over functioning.

[A]

Over functioning?

[B]

Yeah, it's that anxious is the fixer. Anxious.

[A]

So codependent means that you only feel okay when everybody around you Is okay.

[B]

That's right. Oh, and you're afraid to rock the boat.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's what that means.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so look, your relationship is your biosphere. If you're a one up fighter like you and me, Belinda, come. Your biosphere needs you to come down off your high horse. My feelings were hurt. Oh, your biosphere is happy with that? If you're a one down fixer, don't set daddy off. Your biosphere needs you to stand up and find some spine.

[A]

How do you do that? Like what? What is your advice to the person that's listening that goes, well, that is me. I need to make sure that everybody's okay. I'm always walking on eggshells. Everybody else comes first. But then of course, I'm exhausted and resentful because nobody's taking care of me. How do I stand up? How do I start to change that adaptive fixing little kid in me?

[B]

Yeah, well, turn to that kid. Because you learned to run around and fix everything as a little girl or a little boy. What would have happened if you hadn't done that in that family you grew up with? Odds are all hell would have break them. We always respect the intelligence of the adoptive child. You did what you had to do. Good for you. It's time to retire. You're not that little girl, Chris is not the family you grew up with. You can do something. Can I tell you a story?

[A]

Yeah, please.

[B]

This is my classic adaptive child story. Absolutely true story.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Couple comes to me on the brink of divorce. He's a liar. Lies about everything she says to him. If you ask him what color shoes he has on, he'll lie and say, yes, sneakers. I mean, a lot. And therapist will. He's a kind of. I walk in the office and I go, hi, Bill. The sky's blue. He goes, well, he's not going to tell me it's blue. Won't give it to me. So I get right away what his deal is. The adaptive child, he's an evader. Nobody's going to get him. All right, then I think, okay, the adoptive child is adapting to someone. There's someone on the other end of that seesaw. So who tried to control you growing up? His father. True story. Military man. How he sad, how he ate his friend. What did you do with his controlling father? He looks at me and he smiles. That's resistance. That's why he says, I lied. Dad said, don't play with Henry. I played with Henry. I told him, I played with John. Smart boy. Good for you. Always respect the strategy that you learned as a kid. But retire them. You're in the backseat. Wise adult is here today. I can take care of this better than you can. Literally, when Belinda and I are having a fight, honest to God.

[A]

And.

[B]

And she's coming at me with anger because that's what we do. It could be me. I have little Terry. I've worked with an 8 year old. I put him behind me. Between her anger and you. Little Terry is me. My big adult body. We have a deal. You're protected back there. Her rage stops with me. It doesn't hit you. Here's your part of the deal. I deal with my wife, not you. You'll make a mess of it. So, okay, so here's my liar. So, smart boy. By the way, you're not five anymore and your wife isn't your dad. See ya. True story. Two weeks later, they come back. Hand in hand. We're cured. And they were. Mel. I said, okay, there's a story here. Tell me. Over the weekend, she sends him to the grocery store to get 12 things true to form. He comes back with 11. He says, where's the pumpernickel? And he's going to lie. Of course he's going to lie. He doesn't want to get chewed out by his father. And he said, every muscle and nerve in my body was screaming to say they were out of the pumpernickel. Which was not true. This moment, I took a breath, I thought of you, Terry. I was lending him my prefrontal cortex. We can do that for each other. I thought of you. I looked my wife in the eye and I said, I forgot the goddamn pumpernickel. It's absolutely true, Mel. She burst into tears and she said, I've been waiting for this moment for 25 years. That's recovery. Come out of that adaptive child into the prefrontal cortex. Tell the truth. Use the skill. Wow.

[A]

I can see how this relates to that. Something you said in the very beginning where when you fall in love with somebody, you think you're going to be rescued from the behavior in yourself that you feel stuck with. The rage or the shutting down or the lying or the walking on eggshells.

[B]

Yeah. Whatever you learned to do as a.

[A]

Kid, whatever you learned to do as a kid.

[B]

Whatever you needed to do as a kid.

[A]

Yep. And so I can see how in the absolute bliss of a new relationship and you're just falling, falling, falling. You believe that it's always going to be like this. And sure enough, what comes up is the opportunity to do the work, to become the wise adult and not have the adaptive child. And all of the default behaviors that happen when you get flooded emotionally or when you get get triggered. And when you really think about the person as it's their adaptive child in the room with your adaptive child, when you guys are emotionally flooded.

[B]

You got it.

[A]

And any single thing, whether it's I forgot the pumpernickel bread or it's the tiptoe walking or the raging or the venting or the being right or whatever, like every single one of those things, whether it's triggered by Amazon boxes or it's triggered by pumpernickel, or it's triggered by their drinking, or it's triggered by absolutely anything.

[B]

Anything.

[A]

It's the same cycle, it's the same wound, it's the same emotions. And you're gonna be trapped there forever.

[B]

Here's where your work is, genius. What we do when we're back in the old womb is we redouble our efforts to get that son of a gun to give us what they were supposed to give us. That's why we married them. Or we react out of that adaptation when they don't give it to us. We fight, we flight, we do whatever we do. Here's the new news. Take a breath. They ain't going to give it to you. Watch this. How about if you give it to you? You were abandoned as a kid. You come home dead. Flowers. Abandonment comes up. Not 50 year old Mal. 4 year old Mal. You turn to that 4 year old girl. Chris may be abandoning you right now, but I'm not. I'm here. I got you, kid. I like to say maturity comes when we deal with our inner children and don't foist them off on our partners to deal with.

[A]

Oh, I love that. Maturity comes when we deal with. With that inner child, that adaptive self that needed to do whatever it does. Whether it's the anger, whether it's the righteousness, whether it's shutting down, whether it's whatever it is when we deal with that person.

[B]

Love you, kid. When the inner child. Which means you're just. When you're reactive.

[A]

Yeah. So talk about emotional flooding and emotional over functioning. Is that the same thing as the adaptive child?

[B]

Well, yeah. First you get flooded. That's the wounded child.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then you get yourself out of that flooding by moving into your adaptive child.

[A]

Gotcha. So you. So like, let's just take it as facts.

[B]

Well, you walk in and the flowers are dead.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

There's a little male that Was not taken care of. And that's what gets triggered.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're not your adult self feeling let down in a moderate way. You're that four or five year old little girl who was never dealt with the way she should have been. And you're flooded. But you don't like that feeling of helpless. So you move from helplessness to attack, from one down to one up. These are the roots of violence for all of us. And the one up feels better. It gets you out of that helplessness. But it makes a mess of your marriage. So you have to think your way down from the one up.

[A]

Well, recognizing that you're just emotionally flooded is important. Recognizing that you're now in react, react, react mode. Which is why taking that breath and consciously pulling yourself back into the wise adult.

[B]

Yes. Which may mean. Did you take a 20 minute walk around the block? You have a contract with your partner. Look, hey, I'm flooded. See you in 20 minutes. And man, your partner says it. Let them go. Don't corner an animal. Okay, bye.

[A]

Don't corner an animal.

[B]

No, you don't want to do that.

[A]

It's incredible. Why does emotional over functioning and shutting down? Why do these patterns tend to attract people into a partnership?

[B]

Because it's your unfinished business. So may I?

[A]

Yes, please.

[B]

All right, here we go. Mel. Ready?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. So, fighter male. Your adaptive child is what I would call one up and boundaryless. You're one up. You're grandiose, you're attacking, you're righteous. He's adapted.

[A]

Yes, 100%.

[B]

But underneath that are the feelings of abandonment, aloneness. Which is your childhood wound.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My friend and colleague Gabor Mate says in relationships you don't see the wound, you see the scar, you don't see the wounded child, you see the adaptive child. So you come home dead. Flowers. Little girl. Mel not cared about the way she should have been. And if you were to sit with her, she'd be crying, she'd be lonely. But you don't, because that's painful. So you go one up into grandiosity. Self righteousness, attack. Now, you're powerful, but you're making a goddamn mess of things. Take a break and then you feel.

[A]

Bad about it because you don't want to make a mess of things you don't want. Well, at least I do.

[B]

You feel bad about it five minutes later. Yes, you have a hangover. But in the moment, he deserves it. You're right. Let's go. And that's what this is all about. Then you take a Break. Hold it. I'm about to lose my shit. See ya. Or hold it. I'm going to shut down. Let me get myself adjusted, and I'm going to come back and talk to you. Whatever the adaptation is, you got to sit with that little part of you. It's okay. He loves you. He's an idiot about the dead flowers, but he does love you. Come back. Don't ream him a new one. That's not going to work. Come back and talk to them about what's going on. But you have to be in your right mind, and that's the opportunity. The healing doesn't come when you get the son of a gun to give it to you. That's the dream. The healing comes when they don't and you deal with it not the way you learned as a kid, but in a new way that heals.

[A]

Okay? That is the most important thing, in my opinion, that you have said because you are now pointing at the source of power and healing. And one of the mistakes is that we are trying to get that from our partner and through our partner changing. And what you just said is that the healing comes not from them changing. The healing that you need comes from you stopping yourself in that moment, taking a breath, not allowing all of the patterns of the past and the adaptive child to come in and fix or.

[B]

Freeze or rage and make a mess.

[A]

And make a mess, but to just see it happening and then bring the wise adult to the room and respond in a new way. That is the healing.

[B]

That's the healing.

[A]

That's the opportunity, you know, for somebody who tends to hold everything in, you know, the baller. You see the thing that hurts your feelings. You feel the emotion that is worry or hurt or abandonment or the thing that's. You said always take the first feeling, anger, resentment, put it in the back. What's the feeling underneath it? For somebody that's like bottling it up, bottling it up, bottling it up.

[B]

They're feeling fear.

[A]

What are they afraid of?

[B]

They're afraid that if they tell the truth and rock the boat, it ain't going to go well. And odds are they grew up in a family where it wouldn't have gone well. The adaptive child is not stupid. You learned to do what you goddamn needed to do back then, but you're not back there anymore. That's the beauty.

[A]

How do you learn to communicate your feelings in these little moments instead of just putting it aside and putting it aside until you reach a breaking point?

[B]

Well, you have to dare to rock the boat.

[A]

This goes back to the three steps Dare to rock the boat and tell the truth. Listen and then teach somebody what you want and reward them in a kind way when they do.

[B]

And for those of you listening, it may be that your childhood trauma we said you can have little injuries and have an adaptive child is screwing things up. That's true. But you can also have big injuries. Big. You can have grown up in a family where you learn not to tell the truth because if you did tell the truth, it would not be a good idea. Okay, that was then, this is now. It really helps to separate the wise adult from the adoptive child.

[A]

I'm so glad you're sharing this with us because it feels like this is the playbook for how to show up better. I need to take a quick pause and give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words. And I also want to give you a chance to send this episode to somebody in your life. Like, as you're letting this sink in, what if you sent this episode to your partner with a quiet hey, want to listen to this together? And while you're sharing that, let's take a quick minute to give our sponsors a chance to shine. But stay with us because when we come back, Terry has even more tools on how to repair conflict so the same stuff doesn't just keep bubbling up. We'll be right back. Listen, when it comes to career college, everything, you're not behind Seriously, this new year, think of Southern New Hampshire University as your next step. SNHU has over 200 online degree programs to choose from. They're flexible, affordable, and designed to fit your life. So whether you're 20 years old or haven't taken classes in 20 years, no sweat. SNHU has you covered. Visit Snhu Edu Mel to learn more. That's SNHU Edumell for the doctors and nurses on the pit. The work never stops. The Emmy Award winner for Outstanding Drama Series is back for a new real time shift with 15 high stake hours told across 15 must see episodes. Starring Emmy Award winner Noah Wylie. Season two of the critically acclaimed Max Original series is now streaming on HBO Max with new episodes on Thursdays. Check out the official companion podcast on HBO Max and all major podcast platforms. This is an ad by BetterHelp. You wanna know what I'm letting go of in 2026? My excuses for putting my health last. The burnout. The I'll deal with it later. I'm on the road. I don't have time to exercise. The constant pushing myself past my Limits. I have got to be done with it. Maybe you've got your own version of that. Something you're ready to drop so you can feel lighter. That's what a new year is all about. Signing up for therapy with better help can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and show you the possibilities for the year ahead. But BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. You just fill out a short questionnaire to share your needs and preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And if the match isn't the right fit, that's no problem. Switching to a different therapist is easy. You can't step into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] MelRobBins that's betterhelp.com MelRob Foreign. Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins. You and I are getting the truth that could save your relationship or help you build the best relationship ever with Terry. Real Terry. The next question I have is this. What does a healthy, connected relationship really look like in practice?

[B]

Telling the truth to each other with love and being human. You know, there are times Belinda and I are at each other and I really wouldn't want a video camera recording what we sound like. I like to say to my clients, look, the skills I'm teaching. Here's what I say. Every skill I. I've been married for 40 years. Every skill I teach has been clinically tested. She's the clinic. And on those days when either Belinda or I, or God help us if we both at the same time lose our wise adults and just go with the adaptive child. We look just as ugly as you two. I say that to my patients. They love hearing that. I'm just like you. Use your skills as best you can. Expect the wheels to come off sometimes. Nobody's going to die when they do. Get back in your wise adult. Make amends, apologize, own your shit. Get back on track. We're a biosphere. We love each other. Let's work this out.

[A]

I can say every single fight issue breakdown that I have had in my 29 years of marriage, I can now 1000% see that it's this feeling of being alone and that it's all on me. And it is like freaking clockwork.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Once you see it, you will see it everywhere.

[B]

Everywhere. And you know what? What a blessing. Maybe after this conversation. But I want you to email me and tell me what a blessing it would be for you to come home, the goddamn flowers are dead. And instead of ripping his head off, which he then shuts you down, you say to him, you know what, honey? Shoot me. I know you didn't mean it. I saw those dead flowers. I'm back in my little girl not being cared about. And it made me sad. You see what he does then?

[A]

Yeah. Well, I can also not get mad at him. And I can also assume good intent. And I can also know that, like, a lot of times, he does remember. And this is like something we thought about 10 years ago. So it sounds kind of funny to even be thinking about it now, because it's not. It's one of the ones. But the point is, the little things become the big things because the little things are the source of the little things.

[B]

The little things resonate with what happened to us, so they take on bigger meaning, but what you say is right. You know, I love talking to older couples. I asked them about their life. I saw it had to be late. Married, 50. I said, you guys seem. We are. Tell me. Oh, the first 15 years were hell. Really? Yeah. Horrible. I kept trying to change Harry, and then one day. This is absolutely true. I'm out of. And then one day, I looked at him and I went, oh, that's Harry. Okay. Ever since then, we've been fine. There is a place for. I call it scanning for the positive instead of scanning for the negative. Be appreciative. Tell your partner what they're doing right instead of always harping on what they're doing wrong.

[A]

So there are so many listener questions that we have, and I'd love to read one from a listener. In Chicago. We've been together for 12 years. We love each other. There's no doubt about that. But if I'm being honest, it feels like the spark is gone. Same routine, same conversation, same habits, same every. There's no fighting. There's no big drama. But there's no real excitement or passion either. I don't even know what desire would look like for us anymore. It feels flat. And here's the part I'm struggling with. I want to bring that spark back, but I don't want it to be forced or fake. How do we actually reconnect with desire and intimacy after years together without pretending or going through the motions?

[B]

What makes you think they would be fake? Why don't you start off by saying to your partner what you just wrote to me? Why don't you tell the truth? Look, I did a whole book, audiobook. I called it Fierce Intimacy. Lean in and deal with each other. Most people don't. We stop because when we do, we're so unskilled, it doesn't go very well. So we back off. We say we're compromising, but we're not. We resent it. Distance grows. Sexuality dies. If you want to keep your relationship juicy, tell the truth to each other. Take each other on. Start with this. We're flat. Maybe you're okay being watching TV every night, but I'm not. Let's go do ballroom. And then, like, okay, you're flat. What are you going to do about it? You show up with a mariachi band, you go to the sex store and get some velvet chains. I don't know. What are you going to do to mix it up? Why are you waiting for your partner to do it but tell the truth to each other? We stop doing that because we're very unskilled. And when we do, it doesn't go well. We have to learn how to do it.

[A]

Here's another question. I've been married for 11 years and I'm realizing I've become the critic in the relationship. I notice everything my husband does wrong. The socks on the floor, the way he loads the dishwasher, the tone when he talks to the kids. It's like I'm constantly scanning for what's off or annoying. And here's the thing. I don't want to be that way. He's a good man. I love him, but I rarely notice the good stuff until he points it out. Like, why is it that you only mention what I'm doing wrong and he's right? I don't want to keep showing up this way. I just don't. Don't know how to switch out of this mindset. How do I stop scanning for what's wrong and start seeing what's good again? What's going on in this dynamic? Because I think that's really relatable when you got somebody picking on somebody all the time.

[B]

Yeah, it's a form of control, I would say. Who was the complainer in your family growing up? Where'd you learn this from? There's an adaptive child in there that thinks that picking at them is going to be a good thing. And then the other issue is, man, intimacy is scary. Vulnerability scary. Does it feel safer to be constantly nagging what's wrong than to open up and receive what's right? And that's so true for all of us. And the more damage you had as a kid, the more frightening it is. We fuss with each other because being close to each other in itself can be trauma triggering for us. It's scary to be vulnerable and close. You have to allow it. That's the piece I work with next. First, we deal with what you do wrong. We deal with where it came from. We give you the skills to do it different. Now you have to receive it. And that's brand new for a lot of us. And it's frightening. I talk about miserable, comfortable, happy, uncomfortable.

[A]

Let's talk about miserable, comfortable. What does that look like?

[B]

It looks like the same old, same old. You could do it in your sleep, but you could do it in your sled. You're perfectly comfortable there. Chris? Honey, when I came home and those flowers were dead, I was back in my family and I didn't feel very cared about. How's that feel? Freaking scary. That's how that feels. It's a lot more comfortable to go after them. Adoptive children, you're safe, you're comfortable. You could do it in your sleep. Wise, adult, new, courageous, scary, good. Go there with help, with support. 12 step group, woman's group, but support, that will support your relationship, not your individual power.

[A]

What's so interesting is everybody wants love and wants to feel loved. And I'd never thought about it as a skill to allow yourself to be loved.

[B]

Yeah. And it's hard. So when I'm working with a couple, partner A starts giving partner B what they want. Now we move into what I call transmission reception. Partner A is transmitting. How's partner B doing? Receiving. When your partner starts giving you what you want, do we fall in their arms and go saying, no, we don't. It's too little, too late. You did it. But I had to ask you all these yes buts. That's to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of being loved. Allowing our hearts to open, allowing the love in. That's scary. And the less love you had as a kid, the scarier it is to let yourself love and be loved as an adult. I have to tell you a story. Oh, tell me about the nitpicker guy.

[A]

Yeah, the nitpickers, please.

[B]

I was doing a men's group and one guy floored everybody. This is a true story. He said, my wife walked in today, told my admin. Hold the phone. She had a picnic basket, laid out a picnic on the ground, champagne, a little smooching, packed up everything and left. All the other guys are like, oh, my God, that's Fantastic. He looks at us all. It's a true story. He goes, it almost makes up for the way she chews her potato chips. You want to foster your partner's imperfection. They will give you. It's like fission. Endless opportunity to no. Be brave. Open your heart, be vulnerable. If you a one down fixer. The vulnerability is standing up for yourself. That's what's scary if you're a one up fighter. The vulnerability is moving into the herd. Be human. But either way, open your heart, take some risks. Intimacy is what we're born for. And respect it. It's frightening.

[A]

So is that story in the joke an example of how somebody blocks out the love and intimacy?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I did work with the great feminist psychologist Carol Gilligan here. We would work together and I called it Carol's invariant description. I'd be doing all this fancy cool and she said, sorry, Carol. She said the same damn thing every time she'd look at a couple and she would go, you know, Bill and Julie, intimacy is really scary, isn't it? You guys were just close to each other. And then Bill, you brought up a fight from a week ago. And Jill, you took the B. Now you're back in your corners, safe and miserable. Isn't it hard to just be in the naked vulnerability of loving each other and being close? And every time, of course, it would be beautifully timed. Every time she would say it, they'd burst into tears and she was always right. It's scary to be intimate. It takes courage.

[A]

I'm 34 and I'm realizing I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship. I either give way too much, I over function people, please, twist myself into knots trying to keep everyone happy, or I do the opposite. I shut down, shut people out, convince myself I don't need anybody. I swing between the two. It's exhausting. It wasn't modeled healthy love growing up. And now that I'm older, I don't even know what healthy is supposed to feel like. How do I start figuring that out? What does a healthy relationship look like? And how do I learn to trust myself enough to build one?

[B]

Well, I brought up Carol Gilligan. Here's one of my great quotes from her. I love this. You cannot love from the one down that's running around cleaning everybody's mess. You cannot love from the one up. Shut down. I don't care about anybody. Love demands democracy. So this person has to learn how to be in the biosphere. There's no relationship without voice. There's no voice without Relationship that's also.

[A]

Carol, can you do this with yourself all day long? Like if work is pissing you off, if work makes you shut down, if a friendship makes you get angry.

[B]

Yeah. Although what's interesting is we tend to be more on our wise adults with everyone but our mates and sometimes our kids, they just don't get at us in the same way. But yeah, your adaptive child's all over the place. We do consulting to teams that aren't working.

[A]

No, but I meant like if she's single and so she's not in a relationship.

[B]

She is in a relationship. She has a relationship. She's got parents, she's got friends, she's got siblings, she's got a dog. We're all in relationships and it's the same skills and the same work.

[A]

Got it. So if the question is, I look at my track record and I do not trust myself and I don't know how to do this, and it wasn't modeled and you've already said to. It hasn't been modeled for anybody. And nobody teaches these skills. You can start applying absolutely everything now. Right now.

[B]

Right now.

[A]

Even if you're not in a romantic relationship, you're still in a relationship. Yeah, you're still in relationships. And so these are the tools that you can use for any relationship.

[B]

This way of thinking relationally, not individualistically. And these tools, telling the truth with love and non harshness, but telling the truth. They're so different from the culture at large and they're so potent that doing them badly will transform your life. And here's the great news, Mel, you can start doing them badly right now. Go ahead.

[A]

Because it's such a disruption to the way we run around and pretend and lie and please and shove our feelings down and rage that simply trying to do these things badly, telling the truth, using I statements, not venting, not trying.

[B]

To be right, your partner will be blown away.

[A]

Well, you'll also be blown away. You should be by yourself.

[B]

It's a happier way to live.

[A]

Well, I often joke, Terry, that, you know, people say that second marriages are really amazing. And I say that's especially true if it's with the same person. Well, and I feel like the tremendous amount of work that I've done on myself and that Chris and I have done together, it feels like a completely different relationship because I feel way more peaceful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was. I know you will say this is probably not true because we're all out of control when we don't understand that adaptive child and the behaviors that come out on automatic when you're emotionally flooded. But I felt so out of control with my anger, with my frustration, with my feelings of being alone, even though I'm married, that I thought it would always feel that way. And it's shocking how quickly you can start to apply these skills and feel more peaceful and in control and in harmony with yourself first.

[B]

That's the joy.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And you also get a better relationship. It's both.

[A]

What happens? Can you speak a little bit about that feeling of you're in a relationship and yet you're really lonely?

[B]

I call that alone together.

[A]

Alone together.

[B]

Yeah, being alone together. And it's because you're not telling the truth and you're not getting through. You know that cliche of the couple at the restaurant that's sitting there with nothing to say?

[A]

Oh my God, you see so many.

[B]

Yeah. Well, here's what I say. It isn't that they have nothing to say. It's they have too much to say and no way of saying it. That's why they're sitting there in silence.

[A]

If the person listening is feeling like, okay, I'm together alone, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna like, I'm gonna start telling the truth and then blow this whole thing up. Well, isn't it better to just be together alone instead of blowing up my life?

[B]

I mean, first of all, learn.

[A]

Because I think that's the fear.

[B]

Well, of course it's the fear. And if you go off like a seven year old adaptive child. What I call individual empowerment. I was weak, now I'm strong. Go screw yourself. The person may blow up. So getting through to somebody is an art. You have to learn how to do it. But even that is just maximizing your possibility. At the end of the day, it goes like this. First, learn some skills. Do it well. Beating the person over the head probably has something to do with why they're not listening to you. 2. Once you learn the skills and you do your best, if you're still not getting through, get help. Get couples therapy and get a couple's therapist who really helps, which many don't. 3. Ready? If you're still not fully there, I have a tool. Should I stay or should I go? And I call this tool a relational reckoning. And it's a question. You ready? Yes. Am I getting enough here to make grieving what I'm not getting worth my while? Am I getting enough to make grieving what I'm not getting? Okay with me? You know what? Bill was a real playboy, a real Lover. And he had partner after partner who swung from chandeliers. He's now married to a woman 1 out of 4 who has a sexual abuse history. She ain't swinging from chandeliers. She needs it slow and gentle. Does Bill miss the wild old days? Yes. That's okay. Is he going to trade her in for one of those crazy sex dolls? No. He loves her. I'm getting so much that letting go of what I'm not getting is okay with me. And if that's your answer, stop bitten and embrace what's good. If your answer is it's not okay with me, first stop is therapy, and second stop is you're done. But don't keep living like a resentful victim. That's bad for everybody.

[A]

I'm just letting that sit because it's easy to get yourself in a situation where you stay with the wrong person and you're right about how resentful you are and what a victim you are.

[B]

Yeah. Why are you staying with the wrong person? First of all, your first shot is turning them into the right person, which I know goes against a little of what you've been saying, but you turn them into the right person by using your skills.

[A]

Well, they don't even have an opportunity to be the right person if you haven't done the work of asking. Well, and also bringing the wise adult yourself to the relationship. And then seeing who shows up when you're safe and when you're wise and when you are in the moment and calm and kind and asking for what? You.

[B]

You totally got it. What do you mean? What does that mean? They're the wrong person. And maybe if you change your behavior, guess what happens on the other side of the seesaw. Maybe. But why don't you give that a shot? You know, everybody who sees me as what I call an essentialist. What's wrong with my marriage? Them. What's wrong with them? Them. Who? That's who they are. Yeah. It's a true story, Harry. Well, Harry, whatever his name was combed. No sex in my marriage. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. How long? Decades. Why? She's frigid, you know, she's just a cold person. Whole family cold. Good. I bring in Mrs. Harry. No sex. No, of course not. Of course not. Yeah. You wouldn't want to have sex with him. He's a premature ejaculator. Has been for decades. If I try and talk to him about it, he just flies into a rage. He has no interest in my needs. And anytime I try and Address it. It just gets. Forget it. I bring in Harry. It's a true story. Harry, I've got great news for you. That sexless marriage you're in, you have something to do with it. Once you stop blaming the other person and start to see that it's a system. If it is, you change your behavior and then see what happens. But first change your behavior.

[A]

So did they stay together?

[B]

Yeah, they started having sex. She taught him how to be a better lover and he was with. I mean, this is where I come in. Harry, it's in your interests. Come down off your high horse. Let her teach you. You want her in bed with you, make it worth her while. That goes back to make it worth her while. Really? Okay, I will. Good. Do it. That's what most therapists don't do.

[A]

Do you think any relationship can be repaired?

[B]

No, and I'm not in the business of repairing every relationship.

[A]

So what are some of the circumstances or lines in the sand for you that are important to say in terms.

[B]

Of non starters, it goes without saying. But if you're physically in danger, if you're talking. I don't ask people to tell truth to power when they're going to get hurt if they do it. And there unfortunately some reality to that. So we don't do couples therapy. If there's a threat of domestic violence, if you're the victim of honest to God physical threat, get some help, get some safety. That's not couples work. That's your work to get safe and your kids safe. And that is absolutely intolerable, period, end of story. Some are obvious. Somebody's got an addiction they don't want to deal with. Alcoholism, sex addiction. Someone is chronically irresponsible and they don't want to deal with it. Somebody has a major mental health disorder, depression, anxiety, they don't want to deal with it. All bets are wrong and some are more subtle. If there's a relationship where there's a clear asymmetry in the maturity levels of the two people, eventually the immaturity of the immature one will be too painful for the other one to live with and they should go, go find a better partner. But before you go, find a better partner, see if you can get this one to be a better partner by changing your moves on your side of the net. First try that.

[A]

How honest should you be with your friends and family about the challenges in your relationship? Like where do you see the line from just sort of healthy sharing and you know, trying to get support because you feel like you can't talk or whatever reason versus sharing way too much that might hurt the partnership.

[B]

Not family friends.

[A]

What do you mean not family friends?

[B]

Well, you don't want your mother in law listening to Chris bitch about what a rager you are. You don't want that.

[A]

No. You know, one of the biggest fights that Chris and I have ever had in our 29 year marriage was the fact that he shared things with his mom that we were struggling with. Like he went to her for help. I was so angry about it. I felt so, like betrayed because it felt like I was no longer. It felt like I was now married to her son and she was now in the middle of this issue we were trying to work out privately. And it caused a major rift not only between me and Chris, but I felt all of this distance with my mother in law who I'm, you know, really close with. But for at least a year, like, I just, it was really awful. And I know he didn't mean it and I know he was just looking for the support that he needed. But wow. I have to say, do not go outside your marriage and bring in your family. It's not fair to your spouse because you're not in a relationship with your mother in law. You're not in a relationship with, you know, your partner's not in a relationship with your dad, they're in a relationship with you. So give them the respect to work on it internally. Oh, I'm so glad you said that. I'm so glad you said that. Because while the intention, I think, was beautiful, the actual impact and result was very difficult and damaging. And we've of course cleaned it up and learned from it. But wow. Now what about friends though? Because you said friends are okay and what are the parameters?

[B]

I teach people this. Train your friends to support relational empowerment, not individual empowerment.

[A]

Okay? What does that look like?

[B]

Train your friends to support the relationship, not you as an individual. If they're going to support your marriage, then you can bitch about your partner. But if they're going to take your confession about your partner as license to empower you at the expense of the relationship, that's not a friend you want. So what happens when you talk about your relationship and even that you're not passive? You can train your friends to support the relationship so that it's safe to complain. You know, I complain about Belinda, she complains about me. My friends listen and they go, okay, have you ever thought that maybe you might. Oh, come on, man, think about it. That's a friend.

[A]

So you just say to them. I need you. I'm gonna come to you. I wanna come talk to you about something going on, but I want this to work. You know? I love him. Is that how you say. Like. How do you say it?

[B]

Yeah. You're empowering me to even be more of a fighter. Even more righteously indignant. That is no help to me. So if you're gonna be my friend, I'm gonna talk about my marriage. This is what my adoptive child looks like. You know that I don't need more support to be a fighter, or Chris was saying, I don't need more support to shut her down. Take a look at what I'm saying and then give me some advice and support about what I can do different.

[A]

Terry, could you speak directly to the person who's listening or watching right now? And if they take just one action? Based on everything that you have taught us today, what do you think the most important thing to do is?

[B]

Listen first, figure out if you tend to be one up or one down. If you're one down, have some courage with love, not harshness. Lean in and deal. If that doesn't work, get some help. If you're one up, get off your goddamn high horse. Show some vulnerability. I don't care if you're right. Right is not going to save your marriage. Ask your partner, what do you need? Come off of your selfishness and lead in a new way. If you're small, get big. If you're big, get small. Try something new on your side and see if that changes things.

[A]

I love that. If you're small, get big. If you're big, get small. I mean, if you're small, get big, and if you're big, get small.

[B]

If you want up, come down. If you're one down, come up. Democracy, democracy, democracy.

[A]

Meaning it's we.

[B]

We.

[A]

It's not me above you, and it's not me above or it's not me below you? No, it's me. So when you say one up, you mean you're the one who's acting big in the relationship and you feel above the person. And when you say one down, you're saying you're now small and scared and you feel below the person.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Oh, so the one up is you're big, and that's loud and angry or righteous or venting or any of that stuff. And one down is you feel small and you might be fixing or you might be shutting down or you might be pulling like it's the.

[B]

Find some courage.

[A]

Find some courage.

[B]

If you're one up, yield. Open your heart. Surrender. Be vulnerable. If you're one down, lean in. Have courage. Stand up for health in the relationship. It's not even standing up for yourself. Stand up for the biosphere. A lot of women in particular think it's selfish of me to stand up for my knees. No, it's good for your biosphere. Stand up for the biosphere.

[A]

Terry. I know this conversation is going to spread around the globe and that so many people are going to listen and feel their hearts and a new possibility open.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

And then they're going to hit share and send this to their partner and say, could you listen to this, please?

[B]

Good.

[A]

I would love to have you speak directly to the person who is here because their partner sent this to them.

[B]

Great. Love that.

[A]

What do you want them to know?

[B]

This is what I want you to know, my friend. It is in your interest to learn how to do this. It's in your interest. We are born to be relational. If your partner is giving you this episode, it's because they want you to open your heart. They want you to be a more relational human being. This is what we're born for as a species. This is what makes us healthy, not just mentally, but physically. We are born to do this work. It's been lost, and we need to retrieve it for ourselves, for our families, for our children. If you don't want to do this for yourself and you don't want to do it for your partner, you do it for your kids. They need you to open your heart and be in a functional relationship and do it for the planet. We are treating Mother Nature out of this dominance model. It's obsolete and is suicidal. Learn to do this differently. You'll live 10 years older, your partner will be happier with you, your sex life will improve, and your kids will talk to you, and you might actually do something to see. Save the world. What the hell, Give it a shot.

[A]

Thank you for saying that, because I don't want somebody who receives this to experience it like, oh, they're trying to fix me. They're trying to change me. It's really an invitation.

[B]

It's an invitation, and I want to say I admire your heroism to even entertain the possibility. This is hard. I started off by saying this. This is not easy, but the rewards it will give you, your family, your children, are almost inexpressible. It's hard work. Look, break the chain, Terry.

[A]

Real. You're real good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the work that you're doing and thank you for being Here. And you sharing all of this wisdom with us and giving us tools so we can practice these skills so that we might just heal ourselves and in the process, make our relationships better.

[B]

You're wonderful to speak with. You're a wise woman and it was hard. One takes one to know one now. So bless you for the work you're doing, too.

[A]

And I also want to thank you for. Thank you for taking the time to listen to this. Thank you for really letting what Terri was teaching us sink in. Thank you for sharing this with your partner, with the people that you care about. There is no doubt in my mind that if you take everything to heart and you use the tools, especially those four questions. I can't wait to share this with my kids, with Chris. Oh, my gosh. There's no doubt in my mind that your relationships are gonna get so much better. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you, as your friend, that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And if you apply all of the advice that you just heard, there is no doubt in my mind that your life will get better and so will your relationships. Alrighty. I will see you in the very next episode. I'll be there to welcome you in the moment you hit play. This is Terry Real, keeping it real. I'm excited, though. I've been wanting to meet him for a long time. Why would I do that when I can take a photo and send a passive aggressive text message? Why would I do that, Terry, when I can dump the flowers out in the sink loudly and then throw the things in the trash as if I'm sending anger signal waves. Yeah, like this was an old dynamic between us. Okay, hold on a second. Here comes. Sorry. Bar Taco. Baby Burp is brought to you by Bar Taco. Okay, here we go. All right, so this is. Okay, great. Will you go to the top, hun? You're not alone. This con. Don't panic. You're not alone, Terry. You're really good. I can do a ton of puns on your last name. This is real advice and very direct talk. I love this. Great job. Excellent job. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of A physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

[B]

SiriusXM podcasts.

[A]

This segment is brought to you by Sheraton Hotels. If your life feels nonstop, airports, hotel rooms, or you're just going from zoom to email to email to zoom, or you're just always on the go, here's what I've learned. It just comes down to a few simple habits and the spaces that help you stay connected to yourself. That's why I love what Sheridan's doing. They've completely transformed their hotels. At the center of it all, the new lobby experience designed to help you gather work or just unwind without missing a beat. And one of my favorite things, gatherings by Sheridan. These are free curated experiences. Everything from culinary experiences to learning to play. The ukulele gatherings at Sheridan create something for you to do and a sense of community, even when you're far from home. Sheridan's not just a place to stay. It's a place that helps you stay connected to yourself. So I have a confession. In the past month, I have only been home for eight days. That's 23 of the last 31 days. I've just been on the go for work. Maybe you have a career where you're nonstop on the road, too. Maybe you're in a period of work where you might as well be traveling because you're there day and night. Or maybe you're not flying across the country, but you're still running from here to there. You're running the kids around, you're running the house, you're running the show at work, you're running on empty. I have been getting email after email from listeners just like you, saying things like, I feel so disconnected. I am so exhausted running around. I think I'm losing myself a little more every day. Sound familiar? So it begs the question, how do you find your way back? Well, I want to tell you the three simple things that I do that always bring me back to myself. At home, on the road, wherever I am, no matter how busy life can be. Number one, take yourself for a walk. I take myself for a walk every single day. You don't have to go for 10,000 steps. You don't have to break a sweat and make this a workout. This is just taking yourself for a walk. And that one walk, it's gonna give you more energy, it'll improve your mood, it'll help your focus, and it will boost your health over the long term. And what I love about walking is that you can do it no matter where you are. And so when life is just nonstop and completely overstimulating, what's the first thing you're gonna do? Just take yourself for a walk. All right. The second habit that is on my list that always instantly makes me feel like myself again. Fit in friends. I'm serious about this. Fit in friends. See, when I'm traveling, I don't just plan work. I plan people. I'll give you an example. So this past month, I was in a bunch of different cities, and one of them happened to be Austin, Texas. I carved out time to see my good friend. We hung out for a little bit. We caught up, we had breakfast. Next stop was Los Angeles, where of course, I carved out time to spend time with our daughter Kendall. But I also found time to fit. And my friend Leanne, we literally met for coffee for 15 minutes. So just take a look at your week. Do you have time to fit in a friend? Could you invite them on the walk? In the morning, could you have a coffee date? How about a 15 minute call? Make it happen because it matters. And the third habit that I have in the middle of a busy life, tuck yourself in. You need something that you're doing to signal. Okay, day's over. And for me, number one, a bath. I don't care if I'm at home or a hotel room. I run hot water, I slip into the tub, and I just breathe. Maybe for you, it's not a bath. Maybe for you, tucking yourself in means, okay, I'm going to stretch or I'm going to journal. Whatever it is, protect it. So if you're in it right now, you're juggling everything. You're chasing your goals and you're trying to hold it all together. I want you to know you're doing a really great job. And remember this, you don't need life to slow down in order to feel grounded. You just need a few habits that travel with you. Number one, take yourself for a walk. Number two, fit in friends. And finally tonight, tuck yourself in. Three habits that will keep you steady and bring you back to yourself. And you deserve to feel like you again, even in the middle of everything. I want to thank our sponsor, Sheridan Hotels. You know, so many people love Sheridan because they've designed their hotels with busy people like you in mind. You know that moment when you're deciding, do I stay in my room or try to work from the lobby? At Sheridan, you don't have to choose. Go to the lobby because they've created spaces that work wherever you are private booths for phone calls, studio spaces for team huddles, long community tables and even standing desks. It's all designed to help you plug in, stay focused and keep moving. Sheridan the world's gathering place part of Marriott Bonvoy book [e-mail] bundle and safe.

[B]

With Expedia, you were made to follow your favorite band, and from the front row we were made to quietly save you. More Expedia Made to Travel Savings vary and subject to availability. Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.

[A]

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