The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: The Best Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive
Date: January 12, 2026
Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Terry Real, couples therapist and author

Episode Overview

This episode features a deep, insightful conversation between Mel Robbins and Terry Real, one of the world’s leading couples therapists and the creator of Relational Life Therapy. Together, they dismantle persistent myths about relationships, unpack the unconscious patterns that drive most couples’ struggles, and deliver clear, actionable advice for anyone seeking to improve their romantic (and other close) relationships.

Whether you’re single, in a struggling marriage, or looking to deepen a happy partnership, this episode provides a powerful toolkit for developing healthier habits, genuine intimacy, and personal growth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Modern Relationships: Raised Expectations & Lacking Skills

• Main Idea: We expect more from relationships now than ever, but our culture and upbringing haven’t equipped us with the necessary skills ([05:59]).

  • Terry: “We have filet mignon ambitions and hamburger skills. We need to catch up to ourselves.”
  • Relationships now aspire to passion, lifelong connection, and vulnerability beyond old conventions.

• Cultural Context:

  • Patriarchal and individualistic culture undermines relational skills.
  • Traditional gender roles (e.g., men = invulnerable, women = accommodating) are at odds with true intimacy.

2. Relationship Skills are Learnable—But Demanding

• Debunking “Work on It” Myths:

  • We hear relationships “take work” but rarely get told what that work actually is ([09:28]).
  • Terry: “There is a relationship technology. There’s a set of skills.”

• The Three Core Skills:

  1. Dare to Rock the Boat (Tell the truth—gently, skillfully)
  2. Teach Your Partner What You Want (Be specific instead of criticizing)
  3. Reward Effort (Appreciate improvements, however small, rather than nitpicking)
  • Terry: “It works better to ask your partner for what you want, than to criticize them for what they’re doing wrong.” ([09:53])

3. Cycles of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair

• Universal Pattern:

  • All relationships dance between harmony, disharmony, and repair ([18:02]).

  • Most couples toggle between harmony and disharmony but skip—or don’t know how to do—repair.

  • Terry: “All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.”

• Unspoken Cultural Belief:

  • Good relationships are expected to be all harmony, leading to disappointment and avoidance of necessary repair.

4. The Role of “Unfinished Business” & Childhood Patterns

• We Marry Our Unresolved Selves:

  • We are unconsciously drawn to partners who re-trigger our deepest wounds—hoping for healing.
  • Terry: “We all marry our unfinished business.” ([19:33])

• Normal Marital Hatred:

  • Conflict is inevitable—having strong negative feelings at times is normal and doesn’t spell doom.
  • Terry: “There is no redeeming value in harshness... Harshness does nothing that loving firmness doesn’t do better.” ([32:17])
  • “There’s a part of me that hates you right now; okay, here’s why. But more important: here’s what we can do to get the hell out of this thing together.” ([22:34])

5. Adaptive Child vs. Wise Adult

• Who’s in the Room?
  • In conflict, our “adaptive child”—the defensive, reactive part of us, shaped by childhood—takes over ([24:07]).
  • The “wise adult” is our calm, intentional self; healthy relationships require learning to get out of “adaptive child” mode.
• Relational Mindfulness:
  • First skill: learn to notice when you’re emotionally “flooded,” and take a break before responding. ([27:25], [37:38])
  • “Take a breath. The first skill we teach people now is what I call relational mindfulness. When you’re flooded, when you’re triggered, take a break.” ([25:19])

6. Constructive Communication & Repair

• How To Fight Well:

  • Approach tough topics with tenderness, specific observations, and vulnerability—not attack.
  • Terry: “Tenderness works better than harshness… Honey, sit down, let me take your hand. These are the things I’m noticing.” ([39:14])
  • Use “I” statements, and express deeper feelings (hurt, loneliness) before anger ([43:10]).

• Personal Responsibility:

  • Even issues that feel like “their problem” are part of the relational biosphere.
  • “Your relationship is your biosphere… Can we talk about what needs to happen here?” ([41:07])

7. Breaking Stalemates: The Adaptive Child Story

• Case Study:
  • Terry shares the story of a chronic liar whose adaptive child lied to evade a controlling parent—a strategy now sabotaging his marriage. ([45:56])
  • Solution: respect the old strategy, retire it in adulthood, and practice honesty from the wise adult self.

8. The Real Source of Healing

• Not About Changing Your Partner:
  • Lasting change comes when you respond differently to your triggers; waiting for a partner to “complete” you perpetuates old pain ([56:48]).
  • “Maturity comes when we deal with our inner children and don’t foist them off on our partners to deal with.” ([52:14])

9. Democracy in Relationships: Not One-Up, Not One-Down

• Switching Roles:

  • One-up (grandiose, angry, critical) people need to soften; one-down (accommodating, fearful) need to assert themselves.

  • Terry: “If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small.” ([92:46])

• Making the Relationship Equal:

  • “Democracy, democracy, democracy: we—not me above you, not me below you.” ([93:03])

10. When & How to End a Relationship

• Relational Reckoning Question:

  • “Am I getting enough here to make grieving what I’m not getting worth my while?” ([80:18])
  • If answer is yes, embrace what’s good; if no, try therapy and skill-building; if still no, it may be time to leave.
  • Terry: “If you’re still not getting through, get help. If you’re still not fully there… ask: Am I getting enough to make grieving what I’m not getting okay with me?” ([81:58])

• Non-Starters:

  • Physical danger, addiction without willingness to work, major untreated mental illness, chronic irresponsibility, or dramatic maturity gaps may warrant ending things. ([85:48])

11. Vulnerability & Receiving Love

• Allowing Goodness In Is A Skill:

  • Many people feel safer nitpicking or controlling than opening up to vulnerability and love.
  • “It’s hard to let yourself be loved. And the less love you had as a kid, the scarier it is.” ([71:43])

• Listener Quote:

  • “Isn’t it hard to just be in the naked vulnerability of loving each other and being close?” ([74:02])

12. Practical Guidelines for Friends & Family

• Who To Confide In:
  • Share challenges with friends who will support your relationship, not just your individual ego.
  • “Train your friends to support relational empowerment, not individual empowerment.” ([90:03])
  • Don’t over-involve family, especially in-laws, in the intimate details of your relationship. ([87:59])

13. Action Steps / Where To Start

• Self-Reflection:
  • Figure out: Do you tend to be “one up” or “one down”? ([91:54])
• First Step:
  • "If you're one down, have some courage with love… If you're one up, get off your goddamn high horse." ([91:54])
• Try a New Move:
  • Change your usual defensive pattern; see how the relationship responds.
  • “If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small.” ([92:46])
• If Stuck:
  • Learn skills, then get support (therapy), and finally do a “relational reckoning.”

14. For Listeners Sent This Episode by a Partner

• Invitation vs. Blame:
  • Terry: "If your partner is giving you this episode, it's because they want you to open your heart... This is what we're born for as a species. Do it for your kids. Do it for the planet." ([94:58])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "We have filet mignon ambitions and hamburger skills." — Terry Real ([05:59])

• "All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair." — Terry Real ([18:02])

• "We all marry our unfinished business." — Terry Real ([19:33])

• "There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness." — Terry Real ([32:17])

• "Relational mindfulness… take a breath. The first skill we teach people is getting centered." — Terry Real ([25:19], [37:38])

• "Maturity comes when we deal with our inner children and don’t foist them off on our partners." — Terry Real ([52:14])

• "If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small." — Terry Real ([92:46])

• "Am I getting enough here to make grieving what I'm not getting worth my while?" — Terry Real ([81:58])

• "Democracy, democracy, democracy: we—not me above you, not me below you." — Terry Real ([93:03])

• "If your partner is giving you this episode, it's because they want you to open your heart." — Terry Real ([94:58])

Important Timestamps

• [05:59] – Terry explains relationship ambitions exceeding our skills
• [09:11] – The true “work” of relationships: the three actionable skills
• [18:02] – “All relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair.”
• [19:33] – “We all marry our unfinished business.”
• [32:17] – “There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness.”
• [37:38] – Relational mindfulness: the starting process of taking a break
• [45:56] – The adaptive child story: respecting, then retiring old coping strategies
• [56:48] – Healing comes not from changing your partner, but yourself
• [71:43] – The challenge and necessity of receiving love
• [80:18] – The “relational reckoning” question for stay-or-go decisions
• [92:46] – “If you’re small, get big. If you’re big, get small.”
• [94:58] – Direct message to listeners receiving the episode from their partner

Episode Tone and Style

• Mel Robbins: Warm, direct, candid, and self-reflective, often using personal stories and humor.
• Terry Real: Assertive, deeply compassionate, practical, mixing theory with real-world, sometimes blunt language and memorable metaphors.

For Listeners: Where To Start

1. Identify which defensive pattern you lean toward (one up/one down).
2. Practice relational mindfulness: notice when you’re triggered, take a break.
3. Communicate with honesty and kindness—ask for what you need without harshness.
4. Reward positive steps, however small.
5. If things stall, seek skilled support and ask the “relational reckoning” question.

In Mel’s words:
“Apply all of the advice that you just heard, and there’s no doubt in my mind that your life will get better and so will your relationships.” ([97:37])