The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: "This One Research Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life"

Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Dr. Todd Rose (Co-founder/CEO, Populace; Harvard PhD; Author, "Collective Illusions")
Date: September 29, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Mel Robbins sits down with Dr. Todd Rose, a renowned researcher and author of Collective Illusions, to challenge a core belief shaping contemporary anxiety and division: that we are more divided and different than we really are. Using groundbreaking research on private opinions, Dr. Rose reveals how conformity, self-silencing, and "collective illusions" keep us from living authentically, undermine our well-being, and fracture our sense of community. Together, Mel and Dr. Rose unpack why authenticity isn’t just self-care—it’s a transformative lever for both individual fulfillment and societal change.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Illusion of Division and the Science of Belonging

• Opening Reflection
  Mel describes a sense of exhaustion and discouragement from the seemingly ever-increasing polarization and negativity in the world. She challenges the media narrative, asserting that people are more alike than different at their core.
  "I believe that we want the same things for ourselves and our families. ... And yet, somehow, this truth that unites us, it has been hijacked by headlines, politics, the lies on social media..." ([00:24])

• Conformity: A Hardwired Human Drive
  Dr. Rose explains humans' deep evolutionary need to belong, which can lead us to unconsciously conform—even when it distorts authenticity.

  "We are hardwired to belong to groups... that belonging can lead to conformity when we feel like we have to distort who we are to get that belonging." – Dr. Todd Rose ([06:53])

Notable Study: The "Hot or Not" Attractiveness Experiment

• Dr. Rose recounts a famous fMRI study, where people unconsciously changed their attractiveness ratings to match a (fictitious) group average, demonstrating the brain's powerful conformity reward and error signals.

"On the trials where you and your group are aligned, it triggers what we call a reward signal in your brain. ... On the trials where you were like five and they said one, it triggers what's called an error signal in your brain." – Dr. Todd Rose ([08:18])

2. The Trap of Collective Illusions

• Defining Collective Illusions
  A collective illusion happens when most people outwardly go along with something they don't privately agree with—because they mistakenly believe most others support it.

  "Collective illusion is groupthink. But you're wrong about the group." – Dr. Todd Rose ([14:38])

• Common Collective Illusions
  Examples include beliefs about binge drinking in college and perceptions of societal priorities (e.g., fame and wealth over character and relationships).

  "In private, we know, as a matter of fact, most college kids are deeply skeptical about binge drinking. ... But it's what they feel like they need to do to belong." – Dr. Todd Rose ([15:12])

  Mel connects this to everyday patterns in families and traditions, questioning how often habits are maintained by mutual, unstated assumptions.

• Social Media's Role in Amplifying Illusions
  The problem has been exacerbated by social media, where the loudest, most extreme 10% of voices generate 80% of the content (on X/Twitter), distorting perceptions of group consensus.

  "Your brain assumes the loudest voices repeated the most are the majority." – Dr. Todd Rose ([23:14]) "Almost 2/3 of people are admitting that they are self silencing right now." – Dr. Todd Rose ([24:12])

• Consequences
  Self-silencing leads to increased feelings of alienation, distrust, and false polarization—damaging both individual well-being and the social fabric.

3. What People Really Want: Aspirations Revealed by Data

• National & Personal Priorities
  Populace research shows Americans (across demographics) agree on 8 out of 10 top aspirations for the country: individual rights, free speech, respect, high-quality healthcare, etc. ([36:03])

• "Success Index" Findings
  When asked privately, people prioritize relationships, meaningful work, contribution, community, and character—not fame or wealth.

  "The number one priority for a successful life is: I want to do work that has a positive impact on other people." – Dr. Todd Rose ([38:28])

  Public perception, however, flips this: people wrongly think others value status, money, and fame most.

  "The top thing that people think everyone else cares about is being famous. ... In private, it's dead last." – Dr. Todd Rose ([40:10])

• The Danger for the Next Generation

  "This generation's collective illusions tend to become next generation's private opinion." – Dr. Todd Rose ([40:27])

4. Authenticity as the Solution—Individually & Collectively

• The Price of Self-Silencing Chronic self-silencing raises stress (cortisol), damages health (cardiovascular disease, anxiety, depression), and disrupts social trust.

  "Self silencers actually have dramatically higher rates of cardiovascular disease, strokes, high cholesterol..." – Dr. Todd Rose ([48:25])

  "When we self silence... we're at war with ourselves." – Dr. Todd Rose, quoting Carl Rogers ([50:20])

• Authenticity as Kryptonite The fastest, most transformative way to shatter collective illusions is for each person to act in accordance with their own authentic values, even in small ways.

  "Authenticity is the kryptonite of collective illusions. Silence is never the answer. Authenticity always is." – Dr. Todd Rose ([42:12])

The Neuroscience of Authentic Action

Not only is acting authentically good for society, it triggers a deeply satisfying reward response in your brain.

"When people who desire authenticity believe they are acting on it... they get the same reward response because your brain's like that. Do more of that." – Dr. Todd Rose ([89:30])

5. Tools and Strategies for Reclaiming Authenticity

The "Let Them / Let Me" Technique ([67:14])

• Let Them: Stop trying to control the opinions, choices, and behaviors of others—this reduces pressure for conformity and allows authenticity to thrive.

• Let Me: Grant yourself permission to live out your preferences, beliefs, and values, even in the face of potential disapproval.

  "If I let them be their authentic self, and we do that at scale, what kind of society would we have?" – Dr. Todd Rose ([73:01])

Actionable Micro-Steps ([88:34])

• Practice one small, authentic act this week—say no to a drink, suggest a different restaurant, express a real preference.

• Question beliefs: For anything you believe, repeatedly ask "Why?" to distinguish your true convictions from inherited norms.

  "Find the smallest meaningful act and... just say, look, I'm going to commit to one act of authenticity." – Dr. Todd Rose ([89:17])

The Power of Individual Action

Even large societal illusions can dissolve quickly when enough individuals start living truthfully in daily life.

• Example: The Velvet Revolution in Czechoslovakia, led by poet Václav Havel, succeeded in a bloodless overthrow through widespread personal authenticity. ([82:30])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the power of authentic living:

  "If a poet can overthrow communism under a collective illusion, think what you can do in your own life. Think what we can do together." – Dr. Todd Rose ([83:32])

• On the cost of fitting in versus belonging:

  "Belonging is when you are recognized, accepted, and even loved for who you are... Fitting in is, you accept me if I do the things you want me to do." – Dr. Todd Rose ([59:17])

• On trust and collective healing:

  "If you can literally transform a tyrannical society into a free society on the back of authenticity, like, you can change your life." – Dr. Todd Rose ([88:00])

• On the illusion of division:

  "When you realize, wait a minute, if I'm just authentically myself, the illusion disappears." – Mel Robbins ([93:02])

Important Timestamps

• [05:18] Impact of understanding conformity and authenticity
• [08:18] The "Hot or Not" attractiveness fMRI study
• [14:38] Definition of collective illusions
• [18:26] Collective illusions in everyday life (e.g., family traditions)
• [23:14] How social media amplifies false consensus
• [36:03] What Americans really want for the country—Populace data
• [38:28] The real top priorities for a successful life ("Success Index")
• [42:12] Authenticity as the solution to collective illusions
• [48:25] Physical and psychological costs of self-silencing
• [62:22] How to discover your real beliefs (keep asking "Why?")
• [67:14] "Let Them / Let Me" technique for daily authenticity
• [82:30] The Velvet Revolution: authenticity as a driver of social change
• [88:34] Challenge: commit to one small act of authenticity

Takeaways for Listeners

1. You are not alone.
Most people fundamentally desire the same key things—meaningful work, real relationships, community, character, and contribution.

2. The loudest voices and most viral narratives likely do not reflect the true majority—in most cases, they reflect a fringe minority amplified by algorithms and bots.

3. Living authentically—even in tiny everyday acts—creates a personal and social "reward feedback loop" that can change your life, your relationships, and society for the better.

4. Silence fuels the illusion; authenticity quietly dismantles it. You matter more than you know.

5. You can start right now, with one small act that aligns with your true self.

Resources Mentioned

• Collective Illusions by Dr. Todd Rose
• "The Power of the Powerless" by Václav Havel (free online)

Share this episode with friends or family who feel isolated, discouraged, or overwhelmed—help dismantle the illusions, together.