Podcast Summary: The Mel Robbins Podcast

Episode: "What Nobody Tells You About Grief and Loss"

Host: Mel Robbins

Guest: David Kessler

Date: December 18, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

In this deeply compassionate and candid episode, Mel Robbins sits down with grief expert David Kessler to explore the realities of grief and loss—what no one tells you, the science and process of healing, and practical advice for living meaningfully after loss. This conversation is for anyone who has experienced loss or wants to better support others, blending professional wisdom, personal stories, actionable tools, and permission to grieve on your own terms.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Talk About Grief?

• Universality: Everyone faces loss. “It is the most needed requested topic that no one wants to talk about.” (David, 06:26)
• Mel’s Intention: To reduce stigma, share tools, and help listeners (and herself) face this hard topic with hope, grace, and meaning.

2. Grieving Fully = Living Fully

• Loss is subtraction; the work is to bring addition with tools, reflection, and support. (06:52)
• Quote: “If people can find a way to grieve fully, they can live fully.” (David, 08:24)
• Expanded Capacity: Grief, while expanding our capacity for pain, also expands our ability to feel joy and laughter. (09:39)
  • "People in my rooms... they probably did cry a little harder, but they also laughed harder." (David, 09:24)

3. David's Personal Experience with Loss

• Lost his mother at 13, and later, his son David at 21 to addiction (10:34).
• Revealed how, even as an expert, he was unprepared for the intensity and had to navigate his own stuckness.
  • “If you haven't been stuck, you haven't been in grief.” (David, 13:55)
  • He needed grief groups, support, and anonymity—even as a recognized grief expert (12:34).

4. The Stigma and Timeline of Grief

• Myth: Society expects quick recovery, like TV: “Episode 1, person dies, Episode 2, we cry, Episode 3, back to life.” (14:09)
• Reality: Most people don’t reach out for professional support until 5 years after the loss. (15:42)
  • “People are living with pain five years before they reach out. And… there’s a lot of people that never reach out.” (David, 15:42)
• Styles of Grieving:
  • Practical Grievers: Focused on logistics (“pragmatic” approach; move on quickly, don’t seek therapy) (16:32)
  • Feeling Grievers: Need to talk/process more (19:59)
  • Different styles create judgment and misunderstanding—neither is “wrong," but it’s crucial to seek the right kind of support for you.

5. Judgment Slows Healing

• Outer judgment (from others) turns into self-judgment (“maybe I am doing it wrong”). (22:41)
• “We find our healing in each other's stories.” (David, 23:31)

6. The Uniqueness of Each Person's Grief

• “Our grief is as unique as our fingerprint.” (David, 25:39)
• Normalize “grief bursts”—unexpected waves of emotion, even years later. (26:54)
  • “Not only do we have grief bursts after someone dies, we have love bursts.” (27:10)
• Early grief can last at least two years; ambushes of sadness are normal (27:29).

7. Don’t Take Advice from Someone Who Hasn’t Been There

• People often give unhelpful advice without personal experience: “Don’t listen to someone whose loved one's alive that hasn't gone through what you've gone through. You're the expert, not them.” (David, 28:40)

8. Grief has Many Faces

• Not just sadness but also anger, jealousy, frustration. There's no one voice in grief. (29:43)
  • “There’s so many different colors to grief.”

9. “Grief Must Be Witnessed”

• The most helpful response is being present, listening, and witnessing pain instead of fixing. (35:50)
• “Grief must be witnessed.” (David, 35:50)
• “There’s no fixing because no one’s broken.” (David, 36:28)
  • Example of Australian villages that change their environment to acknowledge collective loss (37:10).

10. Complicated Grief

• When grief becomes stuck (“the river goes in a circle”), it often means there’s a branch (guilt, trauma, regrets) blocking healing (39:55).
• “Imagine a big branch in the river… It’s no longer evolving. It’s revolving.” (David, 40:09)
• The solution: gentle acknowledgment, support, presence, not shame.

11. The Power of Presence and Self-Acceptance

• “It's not self-help. This is self-acceptance.” (David, 43:35)
• Healing comes from acceptance and presence, not trying to “fix” or hurry.
• “If we accept ourselves and our friends exactly where they are, then we change. That’s the weird thing.” (44:48)

12. Pain Is Not a Badge of Honor—Love Is

• “When you release the pain in your own way, in your own time, you will be connected only in love.” (David, 45:56)
• All grief is valid, and comparison is unhelpful: “Yours is the worst grief.” (48:50)
• “There’s room in this world for all our losses.” (49:13)

13. Denial Is Grace

• Denial is a protective survival response, not a flaw; “Denial helps us pace the feelings over time.” (50:17)
• “You’re ready now, and that’s perfect.” (David, 51:49)

14. Finding Meaning After Loss

• Meaning isn’t in the death/event, but what you create after. “Meaning is what you make happen after the loss, after the pain.” (61:26)
• “Acceptance is not liking it… just acknowledging the reality.” (61:31)
• “Freedom is found in reality.” (62:25)
• “The journey can’t end at acceptance; there has to be more.” (63:00)
• Everyday meaning can be found in simple actions, not just big gestures. (65:26)

15. Love Survives Loss

• “The love didn’t die when the person died. Love remains.” (65:53)
• “Don’t give death any more power than it has. Death… doesn’t have the power to end your love.” (67:11)

16. Practical Aspects: Possessions, Rituals, and Support

• Letting go is a process; you are the evidence your loved one existed. (68:47; 71:19)
• Use photos to preserve memories and make giving away possessions easier. (71:16)
• “It’s ready in your own time, in your own way.” (71:57)
• Anger is often pain’s “bodyguard." Healthy expressions: hit a pillow, walk, grief yoga. (72:03; 74:15)

17. Guilt, Control, and Bargaining

• Guilt is about a wish for control: “Our mind would always rather feel guilty than helpless.” (76:16)
• Address "what if" scenarios by giving them space and then reframing ("even if..."). (77:10)
• "Part of this is out of our control." (77:32)

18. Supporting Others in Grief

• The “threes” rule: show up at 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months. (79:00)
• Don’t ask, “What do you need?”—just do practical things. (79:13)
• Never say: “They're in a better place,” “It's for a reason,” or “God needed another angel.” (80:18)
  • Say instead: “I don't have the words, but I'm here with you.” (80:59)

19. Living Amends and Disloyalty Checklists

• Living Amends: Write down apologies and commitments in honor of the deceased. (81:30)
  • “If you say it purely in your heart, they’ll hear it in theirs.” (81:35)
• Disloyalty Checklist: Feeling guilty about moments of joy is common; “Disloyalty doesn’t serve those who have died, and it doesn’t serve us.” (83:35)

20. Grief Brain and Practical Support

• "Grief brain" = real, profound confusion or fog that makes logistics difficult. (86:37)
• Support: Ask friends for help with bills, paperwork, and logistics. Tools like Empathy app can support with grief administration. (86:55)

21. Anticipatory Grief

• Real grief exists before someone dies, especially with terminal illness or slow decline (88:23).
  • “Grieve each of those moments, but don’t attend the funeral early. He’s still here.” (88:47)

22. Special Dates and Anniversaries

• No wrong way to honor a birthday or anniversary; sadness is natural. (90:31)
• “Let yourself feel it. Once you feel them, [feelings] move through you, and then you just go to another feeling.” (91:24)

23. Life After Major Loss

• For widows/widowers: The work is to transition from “we” to “I." (92:12, 93:01)
  • “It can be done. It needs to be done.”

24. Most Important Action to Take

• “Show up for yourself or someone else. Show up and do one thing to just move toward healing. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Healing means the event no longer controls us.” (93:51)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [06:52] David: “Loss is about subtraction. We need to find ways to bring addition into this.”
• [08:24] David: “If people can find a way to grieve fully, they can live fully.”
• [13:55] David: “If you haven’t been stuck, you haven’t been in grief.”
• [15:42] David: “People are living with pain five years before they reach out. And… there’s a lot of people that never reach out.”
• [22:41] David: “The one thing I know for sure slows healing down is judgment.”
• [25:39] David: “Our grief is as unique as our fingerprint.”
• [27:10] David: “Not only do we have grief bursts after someone dies, we have love bursts.”
• [35:50] David: “Grief must be witnessed.”
• [43:35] David: “This is not self-help. This is self-acceptance.”
• [45:56] David: “When you release the pain, the love will be there. Love is the badge of honor.”
• [49:13] David: “People think grief is like a pie... No, there's room in this world for all our losses.”
• [51:49] David: “You're ready now. It's perfect.”
• [61:26] David: “Meaning is what you make happen after the loss, after the pain.”
• [65:53] David: “The love didn't die when the person we love died. Love remains.”
• [67:11] David: “Don't give death any more power than it has.”
• [80:59] David: (On what to say to a griever) “I don’t have the words. I don’t know what to say. But you’re not going to walk it alone.”

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:00–06:10 – Introduction and context for the episode
• 06:12–13:55 – The universality of grief and David’s personal story
• 13:57–19:59 – How grief is processed long-term; types of grievers; unique grief paths
• 22:41–30:42 – Judgment, timelines, and “grief bursts”
• 35:50–41:03 – The importance of bearing witness and being present for grievers
• 45:06–52:13 – On pain, love, denial, and readiness
• 57:56–65:26 – Finding meaning in life (not in the loss itself)
• 65:53–71:19 – The persistence of love, practical support, and possessions
• 72:03–78:54 – Anger, bargaining, guilt, and support logistics
• 79:00–80:56 – How to support someone grieving and what not to say
• 81:21–86:19 – Living amends, disloyalty, and support for practical matters (“grief brain”)
• 87:50–93:29 – Listener Q&A: anticipatory grief, anniversaries, reinventing after loss
• 93:51–95:24 – David's final wisdom: show up for yourself and others

Tone & Language

The tone is warm, direct, honest, and sometimes humorous. Both Mel and David offer empathy, validation, and practical hope. David drops a few “F bombs” and mixes clinical insight with lived experience, making the episode approachable, not somber or clinical.

Resources Mentioned

• David Kessler’s site: grief.com (workbooks, groups, support)
• Book: Finding Meaning
• Empathy app: logistical support for grieving
• Grief yoga by Paul Denniston

Final Takeaways

• Grief is universal and unique; there’s no right or wrong way or timeline.
• The most healing thing you can offer is presence, not advice.
• Don’t compare losses; all are valid and require honoring.
• It’s never too late to grieve or begin healing—“You’re ready now.”
• Love is indestructible—carry it forward, don’t let pain be the only connection.
• If you are grieving or love someone who is, you are not alone, and there is a big, beautiful life possible on the other side of loss.

"What we run from pursues us, and what we face transforms us."
—David Kessler [94:26]