Podcast Summary: The Mel Robbins Podcast
Episode: You Learn This Too Late: Understanding This Will Change the Way You Look at Your Relationships
Host: Mel Robbins
Guest: Dr. Aliza Pressman, Developmental Psychologist
Release Date: July 28, 2025
Introduction to the Episode
In this profound episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, host Mel Robbins welcomes Dr. Aliza Pressman, a renowned developmental psychologist with over two decades of experience studying the profound impact of childhood on adult relationships. Dr. Pressman shares groundbreaking insights into common parenting mistakes that often go unnoticed but significantly influence how we love, parent, and interact with others throughout our lives.
The Impact of Early Childhood on Adult Relationships
Understanding the Foundation: Dr. Pressman emphasizes that early childhood experiences are foundational in shaping our emotional wiring and relationship dynamics as adults. She states:
"[The parent-child relationship] is central to everything...there are simple, actionable steps that can be game-changing in your relationships."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [06:38]
Temperament and Environment: The discussion delves into how a child's temperament—categorized metaphorically as orchids, tulips, or dandelions—interacts with their environment. Dr. Pressman explains:
"Parenting is the most powerful environmental input for our children."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [34:38]
The Five Principles of Parenting
Dr. Pressman introduces her five research-backed principles essential for fostering healthy relationships and resilient children:
- Relationship: Building a secure and attuned connection between parent and child.
- Reflection: Encouraging self-awareness and understanding in parenting practices.
- Regulation: Developing emotional control and self-regulation both in parents and children.
- Rules: Establishing clear boundaries and limits to ensure safety and stability.
- Repair: Acknowledging and repairing mistakes to maintain strong relationships.
"And then finally repair for when you screw it all up, which you will, and we do over and over. And the research on repair is it's like the deepest breath of relief."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [13:28]
Embracing 'Good Enough' Parenting
Moving Away from Perfection: A significant portion of the conversation centers on the concept of "good enough" parenting, a term coined by Donald Winnicott. Dr. Pressman argues that striving for perfection can be burdensome and unrealistic, both for parents and children.
"Good enough is actually better for our children than perfect is, and it's more attainable for us."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [15:47]
Overcoming Guilt: Mel Robbins shares her personal struggles with feelings of inadequacy in parenting, highlighting the importance of self-compassion and realistic expectations.
"It feels like I failed."
— Mel Robbins [17:25]
Promoting Emotional Safety and Setting Boundaries
All Feelings Are Welcome: One of the standout principles discussed is the importance of validating all emotions while setting clear boundaries on behaviors.
"All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [19:16]
Balancing Sensitivity and Discipline: Dr. Pressman warns against extremes—either not acknowledging a child's emotions or over-protecting them. Both extremes can hinder resilience.
"Parenting is about creating a stable environment...you're giving them the tools. Not just by actually giving them tools, but by having those tools."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [26:23]
Building Resilience Without Coddling
The Myth of Tough Love: The episode debunks the myth that being overly tough or overly sensitive hinders a child's ability to develop resilience. Instead, balance is key.
"The biggest myth is that you can't be sensitive as a caregiver if you want to raise resilient kids."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [41:14]
Encouraging Growth Through Challenges: Dr. Pressman explains how positive and tolerable stressors, when paired with a supportive caregiver, can foster resilience in children.
"You cannot have a close relationship without repair. And you can't repair without screwing up."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [18:15]
Repairing Parent-Child Relationships
Acknowledging Mistakes: A crucial aspect of the conversation focuses on the importance of acknowledging and repairing mistakes in parenting to strengthen relationships.
"If you are the parent who just felt like you couldn't at the time, it was too hard, talk to your kid...just keep working on it."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [83:17]
The Never-Ending Process: Dr. Pressman emphasizes that repair is an ongoing process without an expiration date, fostering continuous growth and connection.
"It's incredibly beautiful. So, like, whatever I say or any expert in this field says that makes you feel like I screwed up, please, please remember that the repair part is never expiring."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [84:08]
Navigating Blended Families and Co-Parenting
Introducing New Partners: The episode offers guidance on the delicate process of introducing new partners to children, recommending a cautious approach to ensure stability.
"The research suggests, particularly with younger kids, that you wait a year."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [71:34]
Managing High-Conflict Situations: Dr. Pressman advises against speaking ill of ex-partners, highlighting the detrimental effects such behavior has on children.
"When you speak ill of the other parent, you're actually speaking ill of your child."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [81:52]
Tools for Managing Conflict and Emotional Responses
Practical Strategies: Dr. Pressman shares actionable tools for both parents and adults to manage emotions and reduce conflicts, such as deep breathing and mindfulness techniques.
"Take a breath, take a sip of water, put your hands under cold water."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [64:40]
Recognizing Triggers: Identifying personal triggers and understanding the underlying emotions can help in preventing and managing outbursts effectively.
"You're seeing red...you're feeling under threat."
— Dr. Aliza Pressman [64:40]
Closing Insights: Hope and Continuous Improvement
Embracing Change: The episode concludes on a hopeful note, reinforcing that it's never too late to improve relationships and that continuous self-reflection and intentional actions can lead to meaningful change.
"There is always hope...you can always do better, that you can always repair."
— Mel Robbins [89:21]
Final Encouragement: Mel Robbins extends heartfelt encouragement to listeners, urging them to apply the principles discussed to create better lives and relationships.
"I love you and I believe in you. I believe in your ability to create a better life."
— Mel Robbins [90:01]
Notable Quotes
- Dr. Aliza Pressman [19:16]: "All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not."
- Dr. Aliza Pressman [15:47]: "Good enough is actually better for our children than perfect is, and it's more attainable for us."
- Mel Robbins [89:21]: "There is always hope...you can always do better, that you can always repair."
Conclusion
This episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast offers invaluable insights into the often-overlooked aspects of parenting and relationships. Dr. Aliza Pressman's expertise provides listeners with practical tools and a hopeful perspective on healing and improving their relationships by understanding and applying the five essential principles of parenting. Whether you're a parent, grappling with past relationships, or seeking to enhance your interpersonal connections, this conversation serves as a transformative guide toward building stronger, healthier relationships.
Connect with Mel Robbins:
Follow @melrobbins for more empowering content and updates on future episodes.